KILL TONY - KILL TONY #487

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

Jon Keyz, Michael Hale, Michael A. Gonzales, Jimmy Blazer, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/11/2021 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Think about something you're good at. Now think about how you got there. Chances are, you had someone to help you get started. If you're thinking about starting to invest, Questrade's award-winning support team is here to help you learn how to become a better investor. From placing your first trade to setting up customized stock alerts, we're always by your side. Just a few of the reasons why we are Canada's number one rated online broker by MoneySense.

Get started today at Questrade.com FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy

the number one feeling, winning in an exciting live dealer studio exclusively on FanDuel Casino where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca

Please play responsibly. The four greatest words in the English language. The McRib is back. Which makes the five greatest words in the English language. The McRib is back. Which makes the five greatest words in the English language. Can I get a McRib? And the six greatest words in the English language. Hey, I got you a McRib.

The seven greatest words. Do you want to get another McRib? Making the eight greatest words. The legend returns. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. for a limited time at participating restaurants in Canada. Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show.

Again, that's DeathSquad.TV. And if you want to buy a death squad shirt or a kill Tony shirt, you got to go to our merchandise website and that's shop squad dot TV, the official merchandise of the death squad universe. Ryan J. Ebelt. He's our house artist. He draws every episode. Check out his website at Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. And last but not least, Tony has his own website, tonyhingecliff.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony, including tour dates and merch. That's tonyhingecliff.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey y'all, this is Red Band coming to you live from Antones in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinchcliffe. What's up Austin, Texas? Good evening and welcome. It's a live audience here at Kill Tony. You guys excited to be here or what? The great Brian Redman is here. What is up, guys? We're here, new residents of Austin, Texas. How exciting is this?

This is the first episode of Kill Tony with an audience in over 10 months. Wow. Feels great to be here, guys. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here via streaming services, and we're excited to announce that today, as you listen to this show, it is the release of the new Kill Tony the Coloring Book, everybody. You're the first people to hear about this. Yes.

It's a new coloring book with all the drawings of kill Tony without the color. And you get to, you get to color it. That's what, that's what our target audience is. Yeah. A lot of meth heads are really happy about that.

I heard. And, uh, we got fed today by the great Yoni, a local talent, uh, vetoes pizza. It turns out Austin,

not known for their pizza. So we found a barbecue guy. His name's Yoni Barbecue, and you can follow him at Best Barbecue. He has that handle on social media, so it goes to show you how good his barbecue is. He's at Best Barbecue. Caveman Coffee used the promo code Kiltoni,

and here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible for you. Hey, y'all. Recently, more than 100 Twitter users got their accounts hacked into. Passwords, email addresses, phone numbers, and more. All taken from high-profile people like Joe Biden, Elon Musk, and even Kanye West. These kinds of attacks are getting more frequent and more severe. And it's not just Twitter.

Facebook, eBay, Uber, Adobe, and Yahoo have leaked data such as passwords, credit card info, and driver's licenses belonging to billions of users. Look, if someone can hack Joe Biden, just imagine how easy it would be for them to hack you. That's why I use ExpressVPN to safeguard my personal data online. It seems pretty easy that somebody could actually hack Joe Biden. So that's a bad example. But according to recent reports, hackers can make up to $1,000 from selling someone's personal information on the dark web, making people like me and you easy, lucrative targets.

ExpressVPN is an app that funnels your data through a secure encrypted tunnel so that no matter what device you use, you can have peace of mind every time you use the internet. The app connects with just one click. It's lightning fast. And the best part is ExpressVPN works up to five devices simultaneously so you and your whole family can stay protected. If a breach can happen to powerful individuals, it can easily happen to you. Yes, it can. So protect yourself with ExpressVPN, the VPN rated number one by CNET, Wired, and countless others. And if you visit expressvpn.com slash killtony right now,

you can arm yourself with an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash killtony. Visit expressvpn.com slash kill tony to learn more today's episode is brought to you by sheath underwear sheath makes the softest most comfortable boxer briefs i have ever worn i mean i wear them all the time golf right now absolutely everywhere if you're sick of boxers that are too loose or briefs that are too tight sheath is for you here's what makes sheath unique the stretchy fabric is made out of moisture-wicking technology. It feels silky and keeps everything cool, comfortable, and in place.

It's the perfect underwear for working out. Plus, the most unique thing about Sheath underwear is that they have dual pouches that keep your man parts separated, which prevents them from sticking together. This is huge for working out and being in hot environments or if you just want to make winter activities more enjoyable. Yeah! You know what will make pumpkin picking more fun? Making sure your balls aren't stuck to your thighs.

Sheath underwear will make that happen. No more chafing, no more gross ball sweat, just comfort and support. Now for some of you that might not be interested in separating your man parts, I still recommend sheath. You can wear it like any other boxer brief and it's crazy comfortable. And one more thing, these look good. Sheath makes it look like you're packing.

Or if you're packing, like you're really, really packing. So go to sheathunderwear.com to make your junk look giant and get a pair of the most comfortable underwear you'll ever own. And if you use code Tony, you'll get 20% off your order. That's sheathunderwear.com. Use the code TONY for 20% off. Too much of anything is bad, but too much sports is barely enough.

With that in mind, say hello to January 2021. From an expanded NFL playoffs and the BCS national championship game featuring the Ohio state Buckeyes of red band, Tony Hinchcliffe and Jamie Vernon fame to the return of the NBA and NHL. This is truly a great month to be a sports fan. I always tell people to head over to my bookie. If they want to add a little excitement to the sports they love and the games they bet.

I don't use my book because some corporate overlord told me. I use them because they're the best, and they'll hook you up with a 50% deposit bonus up to $1,000 when you sign up. And they'll keep the good times rolling with giveaways, free bets, and huge contests all year long. It's simple. Sign up, enter promo code TONY, and get your deposit matched halfway up to $1,000.

Head over to MyBookie today and start 2021 off on the right foot. This year, bet with the best. Bet with MyBookie. And we're back. Austin, Texas. Are you guys excited to be here or what? As with all road episodes, we'll go guestless tonight to fill in, to feel it out, and to get comfortable here in Austin, Texas.

However, everybody's been asking, what about the band? What about the band? On top of a lot of special surprises that we have lined up for tonight's episode for you, the Kill Tony fan, and the people that were brought here by real Kill Tony fans because they had to buy a table. We're excited to announce that you're the first people to hear and see the stylings of our new Kill Tony band. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

the best damn band in the land, John Dees, Michael Gonzalez, Michael Hale, and Jimmy Blazer. We have a new band, everybody. We are now racially diverse as ever. This is very exciting. Oh, wow, there you you go it's been said that was my inner conscience yelling uh from the other side of the room no that we love jeremiah by the way jeremiah is going to be here at the vulcan gas company this thursday headlining his own show the little

the little baby boy is all grown up doing his own show, but we're excited. I met John a couple weeks ago. He plays keyboards with the great Gary Clark Jr. And here he is now on the keys. Welcome to the show, John. He's on social media, John Keys. We're going to find out more about everybody a little bit later. We have a bucket for the first time in absolutely forever. out more about everybody a little bit later. We have a bucket for the first time in absolutely forever. I mean, we had a bucket in LA with four or five or whatever preselected people

swirling around the bucket for five names isn't any fun. But we're excited to announce that here tonight for this very show out on that sidewalk right now, waiting, and some of you in this room, over 80 people signed up for tonight's show here in Austin, Texas. A true scene where anything can happen. And when I call the name, someone out there is going to yell the name that I just called, and they're going to safely and briskly

walk to this stage. So be on the lookout when someone, I mean, they're probably going to, someone's going to fall. Just a reminder that Antone's Kill Tony, Golden Pony Productions, and Death Squad Productions are not responsible for any injuries that occur during the taping of this show. So what do you guys think?

Should we start this thing or what? We're live for the first time ever. I mean live with an audience. So let's start with one of the surprises, shall we? Instead of reaching into this bucket while 80 people wait in the freezing cold on early January, let's start with a surprise. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy going up first, a regular on Kill Tony, one of the longest-standing regulars in the history of the show.

To start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of our all-time favorites, the great, the powerful, big red machine william montgomery everybody with a brand new 60 seconds Vanderbilt had a female kicker in football this year. Texas A&M responded by saying, female kickers, what's next, female cheerleaders? No Texas fans in here, I guess. I wish the opioid crisis would end so my girlfriend and I can start doing them again. You want big dick energy? Re-elect Nixon. Richard Nixon is so sexy, Frost couldn't cool him off.

No history, people? That's a hell of a joke for people that know history. G. Gordon Liddy broke into the Watergate Hotel when he couldn't break into show business, so you tell me how life isn't fair. For Christmas this year, I'm going as Santa Claus.

Man, these jokes aren't working. Can I do my two last Santa jokes? Yeah, absolutely. Go right ahead. If I was a millionaire and I could live wherever I wanted, I'd probably live at the North Pole with Santa Claus. Say what you will about Santa Claus But he's not Muslim Okay that's it

There you go William Montgomery starting tonight's show So nice to be here You're in front of a live audience William How does that make you feel It has been a coon's age Wait what exactly? What length of time is that? It's a figure of speech.

It's like three weeks. Who says three weeks? Who says that? I think a coon's age is three weeks. Who told you that? Where'd you learn that from? He's from the South. It's three weeks, I think.

But it's been way longer than three weeks. I haven't seen this many people on the ground It's been a coon's age Okay, I would stop saying that if I was you William, so it's been a while since we've seen you Welcome to Austin It has How was your trip to Austin?

Man, I thought I was having a heart attack in the airplane Why? I got really sweaty and dizzy You did? Yep What did you do before getting on the airplane? I don't know. I had to take my sweatshirt off.

Oh, that was it? You just were overdressed? And I got a little better. Yeah. Wow. I thought there was going to be a big twist to the story. It turns out you're just like a big baby. I just got real hot.

Too many clothes on, huh? Yep. Too many sweatshirts. So how did you spend your holiday, William? We haven't really gotten a chance to catch up. It was so nice. I'm always a big celebrator of our Lord Jesus Christ birthday. Yeah, it was just a really nice one.

Yeah, what'd you do? Opened up presents. Who got you presents? My brother, Vance, back in Memphis. How many presents did he send you? He sent me two. He sent me a master's koozie and a t-shirt.

Wow, this is the saddest Christmas I've ever heard of in my life. Your mom actually sent about 40 pounds, she said, of cookies to give away to all of us, and I noticed that I never got any cookies. David didn't get any cookies. Did you eat 40 pounds of cookies? give away to all of us, and I noticed that I never got any cookies. David didn't get any cookies. Did you eat 40 pounds of cookies? I did.

That's why my tummy looks this way. It is true. For those of you just listening to the podcast, William has returned to the show looking like someone electrocuted a pile of mashed potatoes. It is true. I don't think that's a real laugh.

What the fuck? This is William Montgomery. No, it is true. Yeah, this really hasn't gone well. I apologize, Texas. Normally I am. You opened up with a joke about Texas A&M and Vanderbilt and then Texas. I don't know who people fucking like around here. I was trying to fucking get the crowd on my side.

There was maybe Texas A&M fans in here. One of the things we've seen you do is pander to fans. It was one of our favorite things when you were doing it. You want to give it another shot? You want to try to pander to these Texas people was one of our favorite things when you were doing it. You want to give it another shot? You want to try to pander to these Texas people, see what gets them to go crazy? Let's do it. Here's William Montgomery pandering.

Hold on. Who's someone from Texas? Are you doing crowd work right now? Yeah, hold on. Give me a name from a Texan. What about George W. Bush, y'all? He's from Texas, isn't he? I love George W. Bush.

What y'all think about George W.? He's from Connecticut. Shut the fuck up. Don't fuck this up for me. It was finally starting to go kind of alright. He's from Connecticut, you fucking bitch. Seriously, stop. Seriously, stop. Name someone else from Texas. Don't ask.

Just go with your gut. Someone from Texas. Who is the... Okay, here, ask me again. All right, who do you love from Texas, William? Let's give it up for Toucan Sam. Look at all these people are mad. You don't know these people from Texas.

These people have a lot of pride here, William. I've really messed up. I was kidding with Toucan Sam. Now, William's originally from Tennessee. You guys are both considered the south To most Americans What's different between Tennessee And Texas to you William Probably all the black people

Whoa Geez alright You told me to say that You told me to say that My goodness Yeah my goodness William you talked about You had multiple jokes about Richard Nixon tonight. Did you just learn who that is?

I did, actually. The 32nd President of the United States. Yeah. Really fun guy. It's been many a coon's age since he was in office. It has. Wow. William, what else are you looking forward to doing during your time here in beautiful

Austin, Texas? I think David and I are going to scuba dive some in one of the springs. Why do you always connect Texas with scuba diving? Because the last episode you told me you were going to murder me when I was scuba diving. Yeah last episode you told me you were going to murder me when I was scuba diving.

Yeah, in some fucking springs. Do people do that here? Do people scuba dive in Texas? I just don't hear... I'm sure they do. There's a lot of scuba diving here, Tony. Wow. The place really went crazy for scuba diving.

Scuba diving and Toucan Sam got the same response. My god, yeah, it's been nine months, and I was feeling like I was on a high horse, and now this, and it is turning into a literal nightmare for me. It is interesting. Again, for those of you just listening, he looks like the Gordon's Fisherman drowned. Yeah.

This is a charismatic look, William. You're wearing the hat. Is there anything underneath that hat special that you want to show the audience? You want to see it? Look at that. The crowd goes wild. Y'all see this shit?

Look at that. That is incredible. He's looking Merle Haggard tonight. And you have socks and penny loafers on. Is that something you read about in GQ? It is. It's a new look. It's a new look I'm going for. How's your love

life, William? You leave your abusive girlfriend at home? Was she mad that you came out here? She's sweet. She's gonna watch this. So don't say abusive because I get abused when that happens. It somehow turns into my fault. Do you have any bruises right now you can show us?

No, I'm fine. It's been better than ever recently. Wow. Was she upset that you came out here? No, she was real supportive. William, some people told us that you got a little bit too drunk last night. You want to tell us something that maybe happened last night when you got too drunk? I don't know if I want to.

Okay, there you go. All right. How many drinks do you think you had yesterday, if you had to guess? Probably 16 Lone Stars. Scoot up for Lone Star! Hey! Lots of Lone Star! There it is.

We know what he's opening with next week. Right. Well, William, so much fun. Is there anything else that you should catch us up on or that you want to plug or say or anything? I will be at Showtime in the Apollo in two weeks. There you go. I don't know if I believe that.

All right. William Montgomery. This is great. I know. Thank you so much. William Montgomery, everybody. There we go. It has begun.

Yeah. Yeah we go. It has begun. Yeah! Yeah! God, we have a real band, everybody. Yeah, so much. This is so nice. Going to hear a saxophone in our ear screaming away. You know, I think William was really hungover from yesterday. He seemed a little out of it.

I think so, too. William's a little bit, I don't know, he may have caught the rona while here. Alright. You guys having fun? You get it yet? See, to me, this is always the fun part. A real stranger, right off the

fucking street. Completely anything can happen. And we haven't done this in 10 months. So you guys ready to get to this bucket or what? It's been a long time, so maybe you don't know. I pull their name out. Once they start talking in the microphone, they get 60 seconds. At the end of that 60 seconds, you hear the sound of a kitten. And then if they run the light, they bring out the angry 6th Street Bear. And your first person of Austin, Texas. Wow, this is crazy. This young lady actually came here all the way from Los Angeles.

She's been made famous in the last few months on this show by being the psychic of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Christy Belich. That's incredible. Christy Belich, first up. Yeah, the stairway's that way. All right, there she goes. There we go. Here she comes.

Here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Christy Belich. So I just found out that my ex-boyfriend is now fucking my now ex-best friend, you guys. I know, right? now ex-best friend, you guys. I know, right? The thing is, as long as I knew my ex-best friend, that motherfucker was always a lesbian, and this dick was not the dick to change her over, you know? Like, it was, like, cocked to the side. You had to Crisco that shit. You had to go to Home Depot. You had to get that all shit right up. Anyway, I lost breath. But the thing is, before I moved to LA, I donated my bed to his family, which means they're fucking on my old bed that has my period stain on it. And it's not even like the nice, straight out the art store, goddess, pomegranate, red flowing blood.

It's like the chunky brown, like Jackson Pollock, straight up on that posturpedic. Christy Belich. This is what I think. Wow. I feel like if Red Band was a woman, he would have written a set like that. Oh, no. My period blade is chunky. No, that's...

That shit was a lot, very graphic. That reminds... I used to do that kind of graphic. It is. It's hard as a rock back there right now. I mean, I'm hard. Yeah, that's disturbing. Is this true that your ex is fucking...

What was it? Your best, former best friend? Yeah, this is a true story. I moved to Los Angeles with my ex, and then I kicked him out. Kicked him straight to the curb. Why'd you kick him out?

Okay, there's a lot of men out there, probably not my lovely musicians on stage, but there's a lot of men out there who ain't motherfucking shits. Wow. You know what I mean? Why was this guy not shit? That's me before I got on stage.

What are you now? What sound would she make now? Tiger and a goose. What if they made it? So what happened? You kicked them out. Why exactly? Because, you know, I was the breadwinner. I was the one paying the bills.

I was working at a yoga studio in Santa Monica at the time. I was like cleaning. I was cleaning like yoga. Wait, you won a bunch of bread? Redband's even harder than he was before. Breadwinner. Okay. So how was he contributing?

Was he fun in bed at least? You know, I was thinking about his dick earlier Okay. Yeah. So how was he contributing? Was he fun in bed at least? You know, I was thinking about his dick earlier today. Yeah? You know, like, have you ever, like, they're, like, missing a front tooth, but their dick is really good. So, like, it's, like, it was cocked to the side, but it was long, you know? So it, like, could get around and, like, could do the job. Wow, I'm about to vomit right now.

Whatever. He's hard right now. Yeah, once you said man with missing a tooth, I got hard as a rock. I'm into that wacky shit. That's why I moved to Texas. Did you drive here or did you fly out? I drove here. Wow.

Wow, what a superhero. What kind of car do you have? I have a 2013 Hyundai Elantra and it died in El Paso. Oh no, that's the worst. Anywhere but El Paso. I stopped off at a Red Lobster on my way here. Yeah. In El Paso. It hurts me to say this. Worst Red Lobster experience in my life. Who would have guessed that a red lobster in El Paso wouldn't be... They don't have that fresh seafood at the

El Paso? No, we ended up filling up on the cheddar biscuits because it was the only thing that came out. Yeah, I stopped at El Paso also. It's like you go back in time like 40 years. Like all the signs, like the Arby's sign, had the big cowboy hat still and shit like that. Yeah, it was like a saloon. the signs like the rb sign had like the big like cowboy hat still

and shit like that it was like a saloon yeah it's like a saloon red lobster how'd you fix your car did you get it fixed there because of jesus like everywhere hey zeus there are these 24 hour tow guys that just happened to be at the pilot that we were, we're stuck at and, they were able to get, it was the starter. So they like taped, this was like as ghetto as it gets, but they taped the starter together and then it just,

we had to keep it running. We even had to fuel it up running the whole way here. Yeah. Wow. My goodness. So you're stuck here now. You're not, you're not going back probably.

Uh, I'm between here and Oklahoma. So I'm doing the road between Texas and Oklahoma for as long as I need to. Between Texas and Oklahoma, you're bound to find another guy missing teeth. Exactly. Incredible stuff.

So I find it amazing that we've always talked about the incredible bucket and how it writes its own storylines. But out of all the people that signed up, you got pulled first tonight, and we've known you on this show. You've become literally a once-a-month regular, for those of you that haven't been keeping up to the non-live audience episodes,

which I completely don't blame you for. But you've been doing psychic readings, famously, on the show. Do you have anything prepared for tonight that you might be able to do? Well, I brought cards just in case, but I was going to do spirit totem power animals for 2021 today. I don't know what that means, but go right ahead. Do whatever you want. Hi, everybody on here.

So I was going to say, you know, everybody out there has like a spirit totem animal. And I was actually at like a yoga center this weekend and I was like meditating about tonight. And they said I was going to come up and talk to you about how you're the golden pony. Okay. But really just to tell you, you're a very bad pony. This is getting weirder and weirder. Why am I a bad pony. This is getting weirder and weirder. Why am I a bad pony? This is disturbing.

This is your lifelong task. To figure out how to be a better pony. Christy, I'm starting to figure out why you got guys with missing teeth walking out on you. Everybody has a totem that they use to help them get through some shit, you know?

So my question for you guys is, what is your animal spirit totem to you? And I'll tell you what your animal spirit totem is. I don't really get it. You go ahead, Red Band. Gay. I have no idea what she's talking about. Yeah, we're confused, Christy. We're not that smart.

We just made friends with Joe Rogan, and the rest took off. Right. Okay, well, what animal represents your spirit? What represents your heart? Why did you call yourself the Golden Pony is my question. I didn't call myself. My friends gave me that nickname, and unfortunately, it question. I didn't call myself my friends gave me that nickname and unfortunately it stuck. I didn't

really like it when it started. But you kept it because you didn't like it? Didn't really. Nicknames aren't really anybody's choice. You know what I mean? Like I don't really like the Golden Pony. Red Band doesn't like it when I call them the human breadstick. You know what I mean? Like you don't

really get to choose these things. You know what I mean? You don't really get to choose these things. You know what I mean? Do you have a nickname? Did anyone ever give you a nickname? The Firewolf. The Firewolf? Yeah. Damn. It's a lot better than Icy Pig, I'll tell you that. Okay, that didn't... Not really? Okay. Everyone's got a...

Just kidding, Christy. Is it because of my tummy? No, no. No. No, not at all, Christy. Is it because of my tummy? No, no, no. No, not at all, Christy. No, I was talking about, you know, you're just a little bit nasally. I like ice cream. Okay. All right.

I think you and William can go hang out. I mean, if you told me I was coming on stage, I would have brought my cards. I would have been ready, you know? This is the actual show, though. You became popular on this show during a downtime in which you were preselected, but this is it. Now people don't know, but I'll tell you this. You've been on so many episodes lately.

We're just going to keep speeding through it. This was great. I think you were fun. Thank you. In fact, that's one of the best performances by a female comedian I've ever seen in my life. Christy Belich, everybody. There she goes.

Let's get back to this bucket. All right. Here we go. Hey, how about a big hand for Zach Bogus up here? Everybody's six feet away from one another. We're all socially distanced. He's switching in brand new. We're not even sanitizing the mics.

We are switching out the microphone between each one of these monsters here tonight. So, Zach Bogus. Want to travel the world? International Experience Canada provides opportunities for young Canadians to get a work permit in over 35 countries and territories. Visit Canada.ca slash IEC. A message from the Government of Canada. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping.

Robo code searching. It takes skill. Speed. Sweat. Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the Happy Stack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet, a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney Plus, and Amazon Prime. All starting at just $99 a month.

Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. All right, this looks like a brand new name. It's been a long time since I said that. Make some noise for your next comedian, Greg Larson, everyone. Greg Larson is next on Kill Tony in front of a live audience. God, I love this music.

Here he comes. Here comes Greg Larson. Come on, one more time for Greg Larson, everybody. There's a new COVID vaccine for puppies. The main side effect is autism. When Latinos get the vaccine, do they develop taco bells palsy? The virus mutated right when we got a vaccine. That's messed up. That's like finally getting the balls to break up with your abusive girlfriend, and she says, you can't leave me.

I'm pregnant. I'm like, screw a vaccine. Get me to the closest staircase. This is Moderna. You know why they call those assault rifles AR-15s? Because that's how old you have to be to kill your math teacher with one of them. I'm Greg Larson. Thank you very much. Wow, look at that. Signing out

at 58 seconds, Greg Larson. Welcome to the show. This is exciting. This is like William Montgomery if he took vitamins. Welcome to the show. This is exciting. This is like William Montgomery if he took vitamins. Welcome to the show, Greg. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just over a year. Just over a year. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Almost all of it here, yes, sir.

You born and raised here? No, I grew up in Elk River, Minnesota. Elf River, Minnesota. Elf River? Elk. Elk River. Oh, that's af River? Elk. Elk River. Oh, that's a lot tougher. Elk is better.

Elk River. Do you like jalapenos with your elk? Nothing. Have you ever tried holding the microphone with one hand? No. If I hold it with one hand, I shake like crazy. Wow. All right.

Greg, what do you do for work? I'm an author. Really? What have you written? My last book was a memoir about college. My forthcoming book in April is a memoir about two years I spent as a clubhouse attendant for a minor league baseball team. Wow. Look at that. From money ball to funny ball. Look at you. Very interesting. You like that, don't you? I love it. I'm in the Writers Guild. Are you? No, sir. You like that, don't you? I love it. I'm in the writer's guild. Are you? No, sir. You're goddamn motherfucking right you aren't. Nice. Okay.

So, wow. That's cool. But you make money writing books? Yes. I'm right now living off of money I used to make as a ghost writer. Right. Saved up there and now I'm trying to make it until my book comes out in April. Wow. What kind of ghosts were you writing for?

A lot of, lot of CEO types. So stupid. Wow. All right. So you haven't been on this show before, have you? Yeah. I got pulled in San Antonio last January. The reason why I ask is because I remember this.

Ghost writing for CEOs. I remember it very clearly. Did tonight's set go better? I think tonight's set was better, yes. I think it did too. I think the autism joke, the little kitty joke was adorable at the beginning. I think a lot of people had a problem

with your Mexicans eat at Taco Bell joke. I don't know if you've ever been out of your house, but they don't really do that so much. Have you ever seen a Mexican at a Taco Bell? Never. They don't even work at Taco Bell. No. That's like a disgrace to the family name.

And you know they'll do any fucking job. So, I mean, it's really crazy that... All right. So, how long have you lived here in Austin? About three years. And you moved straight from Minnesota? No, I've been all over the place. I was in Montana, Virginia, Florida.

What's some advice you can give me and Tony? We just moved here. Have you guys been to Barton Springs yet? Yeah, yeah. Actually, I went there today. They have a car wash. It's called Barton Springs Car Wash. It's a great car wash.

That's the only reason I know I was in Barton Springs. Barton Springs, the pool, is one of the best spots in Austin. Is that like that super long free pool that you can go to? It's free right now. It'll be free, but then it'll cost money once spring comes.

I actually read about this. You thinking about going swimming in the super long pool? This is like Blackfish 2. No. It looked really cool, though. It's long, but is it wide? You know what I'm saying? So you go swimming in this public pool?

Yeah, I go there. Do people ever, like, dunk you and splash you? You seem like you'd be easily bullied. No. All right. Well, if I see you there, I'm going to. I'm going to jump right on top of you, pull one of your teeth out. You know what I mean?

I might like it. Uh-oh. Whoa, Jesus. What the fuck? All right. You have a girlfriend? Are you into guys? Is that what we're finding out right now?

Oh, my God. I could be, but no. I guess technically I'm like an incel right now. Oh, wow. Wow. Greg doesn't even know he's gay, everybody. This is exciting. We're the first people to tell someone live on a show that you're gay.

Cool. Have you ever messed around with a guy? Like when you were a kid, did you kiss your friend's penis or anything like that? I think he's thinking about it. Probably the gayest thing I've ever done is I was watching a movie with my friends in the basement, and neither of us, we didn't want to change out the movie. So we're like, okay, whoever can jack off and come first has to change the movie. Oh, my God.

That's not real. It's real, dude. Are you serious? Yeah, ask my buddy Wade and Danny. The gayest part was you catching the cum in your mouth as it was coming out of them. Who won the competition, do you remember? Nobody won the

competition. You probably were. 20 seconds later, he's like, oh, a bunch of dudes are jerking off. Yeah. Oh, God. How old were you? 16, 17. Jesus. Wow. Jesus Christ. That is gay, dude. You are 100% gay. That's four years away from 22.

That's true. Wow. Do you and your friends talk about this now? Hell no, they don't talk about it now. Yeah, I just always, when the VHS is over, I just go right up and put in a new one. Never hesitated once in my life. Why would that even come up? So wait, let me ask you this, because you said nobody won,

like nobody finished. Right. So how long until you guys... Four hours. It's getting hot in there. We have to take off our clothes. Jesus, we could have watched Kill Bill twice at the end. My arm is throbbing.

Hey, I'll do you if you do me. Totally not gay. My goodness, Greg. All right, what's the second gayest thing you've done? Well, I once ate a dude's ass out. But it was only because the DVD was over. So it's not gay at all. The second gayest is probably

hitting on you just now. What's the biggest accomplishment you've ever had with the ladies? I once proposed to a girlfriend of three and a half years and she said no. Wow. Was it a special proposal? Were you at a restaurant or Thanksgiving

or something big? I made a Let me guess. vhs was over and uh okay go ahead i made a scavenger hunt that brought her around town and i wrote like rhyming clues and the the final clue i the final clue brought her into my parlor at my house and there was a video camera you got told no at the end of a fucking scavenger hunt yes the worst part is i thought i was safe to take a sip of water right then for sure you almost got me dude how long did this yeah how long was it what if it was like two weeks

no no what lasted longer the scavenger hunt of the jerk-off session before about the same amount of time. Wow. It got to, the worst part is I videotaped it because I thought she might say yes. So I still have the video. You have that? I have the video of her saying no. Will you send me a copy of that? I'll send it to you.

We got to put that right here. We're going to post it on the, we'll post it on the Kill Tony Instagram. It's pretty sad. Oh, no. It sounds awesome. How many of you would love to watch this sad video? Okay. Nicole just texted me.

It's 4 o'clock Tuesday, April 29th. And she said that she's on her way from school. And I'm doing it. I'm going to ask her to propose to me. And I got to say, I'm gonna ask her to propose to me and I gotta say I'm glad that this is something which I could prepare beforehand because I would be too nervous to do something spontaneous um so I have a scavenger hunt set up going bringing her around town not just up to the park and in my car but um so she's gonna go on the scavenger hunt i'm gonna follow with

and just trying to act calm cool and collected and she's gonna come in here and the last clue is gonna have her turn on the lights and um there's a uh in lilies her favorite rose it says marry me um it smells pretty good in here and it's got all these lights and stuff and it looks like it doesn't look great but it's really pretty good all things considered so I'm gonna set up the camera here and we're gonna see how it goes so this could be a video which nobody sees or this could be a video which everybody sees. Either way, well one way is good, the other way is bad. So we'll see. Nicole, will you go on an adventure with me? Will you spend the rest of your life with me, Nicole? They're Lily's. So it's now Wednesday, April 30th, I think.

And it's the day after I proposed. And Nicole, she, as you saw in the video, she took a while. She, we embraced. And she didn't really have an answer there. So what she wound up doing is she took the list of 1,225 things that I loved about her, and she took the ring, and she took a picture of the flowers that said marry me on the floor. And she went over to her mom's place by herself to mull things over you're gonna read that whole thing yeah there's a lot of different things in there just email

it's like 35 pages I mean, sometimes these things just write themselves. Wow. Do you still talk to her? No, we have not talked since then. That's what she said. All right. You started with no, but. Oh, I see.

Did you guys break up immediately after that, or did you kind of like fizzle out after that? I was moving, and this was my last ditch effort. Like, baby, come with me. And so we lived together for two weeks after she said no. Wow. Awkward. Yeah.

Hey, I'm just going to go to the bathroom. Totally not going to be sad or anything. Are you ever going to do that again? Propose to somebody? Yeah. I hope so. Oh, God. Wow, look at that.

Oh, look at the lonely women in the audience. I'll go on a scavenger hunt. My God. Did you keep the ring? I was so poor, I borrowed the ring from her mom, who just got divorced. Oh, Jesus Christ. So I just gave it right back to her. My God.

What a loser. You borrowed the ring from her mom? No wonder she said no. She probably recognized the ring. Probably smelled like her dad. Yeah. All right, Greg. Well, this has been a fun interview.

It's fun to have a new, even though you've been on this show once in San Antonio, it's fun to have a stranger on. You got us back to talking to someone we don't know that much about in front of a live audience. So thank you so much. Greg Larson, everybody. There he goes. He's on Twitter at TheGregLarson. Christy Belich is Christy Belich.

Yeah. There's Zach Bogus. Zach, if you want to move that stool back a few feet and maybe towards the keyboard. Hey, Toe, could you give him my email address? Look at Zach Bogus up here. I hope he sent that video in. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it says it here.

All the way from Sunbury, Ohio, your next comedian goes by the name of Trevor Williams. Trevor Williams. Sunbury. I know Sunbury. Yeah, I know Sunbury, too. My aunt and uncle live there. Oh, wow. Here he comes.

You can almost hear his heart beating from here. The anticipation of knowing your name has been called. Here he is. Trevor Williams, everybody. Hello. A little bit about me. When I was six years old, I walked in on my parents having sex for the first time. My first time catching them. And I walk in and my dad, he's on top of my mom and he looks over and he's like, can't you knock?

And from that point on, I learned, no, knock before you walk. By far the most memorable Easter of my life. I learned, no, knock before you walk. By far the most memorable Easter of my life. And years later, my dad walked in on me masturbating as a teen. And he was like, what the fuck, dude? I knocked. And I was like, I know, I heard you. But I was close.

Here's a towel. I came on my dad. I didn't. The towel is for the cum. I don't have distance like that. I'm joking. A little bit extra about me. Arnold Schwarzenegger is like one of my favorite actors ever.

I think Total Recall is criminally underrated. My only gripe with the guy is that in all of his movies, no one ever brings up the goddamn accent. Not once, like in any of his films. And honestly, it has to be like central to the plot line, but can't someone at some point be like, hey man, where are you from? I could just use one scene in the Terminator

where they're like building the robot. Whoa, whoa, Jesus. There it is. I almost forgot the bear was there. All the way from 6th Street. They love you, Trevor. Look at that. Either that or they're clapping for the bear.

I don't know. Welcome to the show. Look at you. Talk about magician energies. You're the guy. Sunbury, Ohio, huh? Yes. You drive here? I did not. I live here now. You're the guy. Sunbury, Ohio, huh? You drive here? I did not. I live here now. Oh, you moved here.

I drove here originally, though, like 20 hours straight. Okay. Hell yeah. Square up to the audience a little bit so they can see you there. It's good. Trevor, you have a good look to you. You're Han Solo's son, right? I am Kylo Ren, yes. You get that a lot?

What ethnicity are you? That was my next. I was going to say I usually get Asian if someone's African American or Hispanic. It's true. You look like an Asian woman with a mustache, which is very rare. I grow the mustache for less womanly vibes, but I guess it kind of... I know what that's like. Trust me.

I know what that's like. So how long have you lived in Austin? About three years now. Everybody's lived here for three years. It appears as if there was another bum rush of people before, perhaps another big podcaster moved here three years ago. So Trevor, what have you been doing? What do you do for a living? I just got a job with the state at the start of last year. Great benefits. It's incredible. The state of what?

Depression? It's sending me there. No, the great state of Texas. What do you do for the state of Texas? I help put together courses for attorneys. Oh, wow. You're that guy? Yeah, I'm that guy.

That they put in charge of that? The books and stuff. I do an okay job. Okay. Hell yeah. Why Austin? What made you come out here? Because I know Sunbury pretty well. My aunt and my uncle live there, grew up there a lot.

Nothing out there. There's an outlet mall now, so that's kind of slanderous. A lot of cows, a lot of farms. Yes, a lot of cows and farms. But I moved here to do comedy, actually, before it was cool to. So you've been doing that for a few years now and farms. But I moved here to do comedy, actually, before it was cool, too. So you've been doing that for a few years now? Yeah.

I actually was at the Dallas show last year. You were on the show? Yes. Wow. So still nobody that hasn't been on the show before this episode. That's incredible. Let me ask you this, because you have a real look to you. You know this.

You have any special skills or talents that we would find interesting? I don't play instruments. Last time we asked that, I find interesting? I don't play instruments. Last time we asked that, I brought up that I could dunk. Uh-huh. And you had me do a jumping contest. Really? Yes.

I got beat, but I didn't get a rebuttal, so that wasn't fair. Who out-jumped you? Jeremiah? No. Joel? A guy at the end of the show. Oh, just a human being? Big, tall, yeah. Yeah. This is good. Wow. Other adject just a human being? Big, tall, yeah. Yeah.

This is good. Wow. Other adjectives. You were really scarred from this experience. You don't even remember it. Yeah. You want to try jumping again? Have you improved your... I don't have any other fucking talents. I can do the worm. I don't want to do the worm either. This is just embarrassing. I don't know. How many of you want to see this guy do the worm, huh?

No better time than during a global pandemic than to have a guy roll around on the floor. Fair enough. I'll give the people what they want. Here he is. Can we get a little worm music for my friend here? Here he is doing the saddest worm you've ever seen.

Wow. This is the dumbest show of all time. Incredible. Incredible, incredible. That was a pretty good worm, though. John? I thought you said war music, not worm music. I was like, give me some war drums. Yeah, I was wondering.

I was like, that's interesting worm music. Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do. Oh, my God. By the way, your Arnold Schwarzenegger joke, I love that. That's a good point. The ending is the best part.

That's why I was trying to get that show to let off. Okay, what's the ending to the Arnold joke? So the guy in charge of communications, he's putting Arnold together, and he's like, hey, guys, you know what would be awesome? If we gave this guy a Nazi accent. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. How about some big sexy muscles too? What?

I don't know. Whoa, an audible boo for the first time here tonight. That's incredible. You really built up the excitement of that punchline. I did. It appears as though you never finished writing the joke. Rookie mistake. I love it.

What would we be surprised to find out about you? Something we haven't covered on your other appearance here. How are you with the ladies? You seem like a ladies. I always assume people that look like the top half of a centaur do good with the ladies. Adam Driver is super in right now. You with the ladies adam driver's super in right now you're what adam driver is super in right now right looking like people like that you're like adam driver except you're more like uber driver i was last time we did this actually that was my

profession yeah oh wow so full circle indeed uh but how about now so people are into adam driver so what's happening with you um actually been in in a relationship for most of the time I've been here. What does she do? She works for Favor. What's that? It's like Uber Eats, but Austin and Texas specifically. And you can get more shit done. Red Band is hard again.

Red Band's hard as a rock. Wow, incredible. Well, Trevor, this has been a fun interview. I guess I'm trying to figure out if there's anything that I'm missing here. I just don't know. Do you have any special sexual moves in the bedroom on your girlfriend that you do? I pride myself on

not using my fingers when I go down. I think that's kind of tacky. When you go down on your girlfriend? What do you mean not use your fingers? What do you do with your hands? Just keep them to the side like you're crucified or something like that? How do you get in there? Do you just blow

real hard, real fast? It depends what my position is, but I mean... You know what I mean? Hands can do other stuff. You think that's how it works? If you've got to spread it apart, what do you do? Just blow real hard into it until it opens up and then push your face in?

Is she ever impressed? Is she ever like, I can't believe you can do that with no hands like that? I guess I could be more specific. Oh, you don't do the fingering part. The fingering, yeah. I mean, that's not that crazy. It's not that crazy.

You just asked me for a unique skill. The first thing that came to mind. Is there anything else? I mean, is there anything else that comes to your mind? Is there anything that, anything? Are you interested? What's the noise that you make when you have an orgasm? Okay, I'm done, Tony.

What? Okay, I'm done, Tony. Oh, you son of a bitch. I knew it. You son of a bitch. Who says that? All right. Well, Trevor, fun to have you on. Congratulations. Trevor done, Tony. Oh, you son of a bitch. I knew it. You son of a bitch. Who says that? All right. Well, Trevor, fun to have you on.

Congratulations. Trevor Williams, everybody. There he goes. All right. My work is done here. Here we go. It's that part of the show where if one's available, I'm going to bring up another regular.

How about that, huh, guys? All right. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy famously, a great roaster, unbelievable comedian. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. David Lucas, everybody.

Here he is. David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. Come on, David Lucas, everyone. Yeah. Yeah, what's up, y'all? I had COVID like a month ago. I lost my smelling taste.

I actually got my taste back eating pussy I knew I got my taste back when I started tasting pennies that's how you know you eating pussy when it tastes like spare change but I actually lost my smelling taste during the worst week possible I lost that shit during Thanksgiving. As a fat guy, I damn near had a heart attack.

I was like, nigga, give me the pneumonia. I lost my smell and taste for Thanksgiving. I finally got to experience my first white Thanksgiving. I couldn't taste a fucking thing I was like oh okay this is what it tastes like in the suburbs on turkey day alright thank y'all

there he is David Lucas welcome back lost his smell and his taste and gained 80 pounds. Spent his lockdown locked in the refrigerator. Hey, Tony, I actually heard you was laying naked at the bottom of a chimney waiting for Santa to come down.

Okay, why would I do that? You know why you was doing it. Why would I lay naked waiting for Santy Claus? You was trying to give him a candy cane. Jesus. Look at David Lucas, everyone. Everything really is bigger in Texas. Look at that.

It's incredible. Yeah, you got COVID right before we recorded our last four episodes. So, like, he just disappeared off the show for, like, two months. Oh, yeah, yeah. It looked like I wasn't on that motherfucker, yeah. Hell, yeah. So what's been going on, David? How are you?

Shit. Trying to meet some women out here. Yeah? How's that going? It sucks, bro. Tinder is a bitch out here, bro. Is it? Why?

I paid $30 for the extra swipes and everything. You did? You pay extra money? Hell, yeah. Yeah. Unlimited swipes that everything. You did? You pay extra money? Yeah, yeah. Unlimited swipes that tell you when a bitch like you, like, because, like, I don't know how to meet white women in Austin. Like, they kind of liberal, but they also, like, voted for Trump and shit. You know what I'm saying?

So it's like, you know in L.A., you know how to approach a white girl. Like, hey, you want to go to Whole Foods and get a smoothie? So you're here at Antone's. This is the home of the blues. Hell yeah. Our buddy owns this, right? Yeah. Yeah, damn right. My boy Keys on the Keys. Yeah. This band is fire, dog. God damn. David got excited when he found out it was the home of the blues until he found out it wasn't the cheese.

Hey, look at that. Ebony and ivory. Tony just wants to be the first gay mayor of Austin. Oh, come on. I'm pretty sure the mayor of Austin that they have right now is gay. Yeah, you see that? I keep up on my local politics. Tony fly back to L.A. every Thursday to get his ass bleached.

Why would I do that when I can to get his ass bleached why would I do that when I can easily get my ass bleached here you look like Hootie ate a blowfish oh shit we back on this we got a live audience god damn I ain't been in this shit in like 9 months I miss roasting this cuckold. Yeah.

Well, it's good to have you back since you've been letting cats poop on your head. It's like someone dumped a fucking litter box on you before you came on stage. Hey, Tony only played T-ball so he could do the ass pats at the end of a game. Why would I even play T-ball in 30 years? Good game, good game. Tony still do that shit at the grocery store, like, good game, good game. Oh, my God. So you've actually made changes to your diet recently, right?

Yeah, my trainer's here. Where he at? My boy Cade over here. My trainer's here. Where he at? My boy Kane over here. My trainer's here, dog. You know what I'm saying? He going to get me in the shape so Tony can't say no more fat jokes. That's right. Looks like your trainer has a lot of work to do.

He's not going to put you on his resume for a while. Redman, are you serious? This motherfucker used brisket oil as cologne. That's right. Tony, you're going to need a hypnotherapist to get you out of being gay. Why would I need a hypnotherapist? He's going to wave a rubber vagina in your face and tell you to fall asleep. Oh, my God.

You're going to need a broken hypnotherapist carrying around all that weight. I love you tried to wear a black shirt to blend in with the background and everything. Oh, no, I'm not that big. It's just the curtain, everybody. Hey, Tony Skinny ass look like a microphone stand. Motherfucker started walking up to you to do they minute. Son of a bitch.

Tell these people about the dietary changes that you've made. Shit, that nigga cut out carbs. I'm sad as a motherfucker. All my favorite shit got carbs in it. Yes, it does. But now you're eating chicken, right? Yeah, I eat meat now. Yeah, I eat meat now. How can I be in Texas and not eat meat?

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I ate beef for the first time the other day in four years. Yeah, when they told David that Kenny Rogers has performed here, he started sweating. His stomach started growling. They called Tony at the barbecue restaurant smuggling sausages in his ass. The jalapeno kind.

Why the fuck would you say that about me? They were like, sir, you don't need a to-go box? He was like, no, I got it. And you're saying what? I put it in my butt? Yeah, you just sat on it. God damn it. How'd you know that I did that?

It's fun, David. So what else? What else in Texas? What else excites you about being here? Shit, I'm about to try to wrestle the longhorn. Yeah? I want to wrestle the longhorn, dog. Y'all know I like wrestling.

Has anyone walked up to you and tried to tip you when you're standing outside? Why? Because you look like a cow. And pour you out? Has anyone tried up to you and tried to tip you when you're standing outside? Why? Because you look like a cow. And pour you out? Has anyone tried to milk you? I beat somebody's ass, bro. Fuck that. I do jokes, but I can fight.

Nah, I'm going to go fishing this week. So if anybody got an extra pole, I'm trying to do some bass fishing or whatever bite right now. Wow. Yeah, and if anyone has an extra pole, I want to shove it in my booty hole. Right. Well, to catch what you want, we need a different kind of bait. Tony got a shit-scented air freshener in his car. What the fuck?

To remind you of your bedroom. Why would he say these things about me? I give you an opportunity to be a star. All I do is lift you up, and that's not easy to do. This motherfucker. What else, David? What have you eaten today?

Let's go through a day in the life of... Shit, earlier I had a bone-in beef rib. Me and William shared that motherfucker. Wow, bone-in. My goodness. Sounds amazing. I almost put that bitch back when I saw the price. I was like, yeah. How much was it? $30 for a piece of meat.

Wow, look at that. That's how much you spend on extra swipes. Yeah. Wow. That's a swipe's worth of beef. So, shit, I had a bone-in rib,

a beef sausage, some smoked turkey, and some brisket. That was lunch. It wasn't even smoked turkey until he rolled it in papers and read it. Yeah, and then, you know, had some barbecue upstairs.

Have you tried any exotic foods since being here? I fuck with an ostrich burger or some shit like that or some elk. Huh. Yeah? Yeah. Have you done it since being here? I had ostrich before. Ostrich?

Ostrich. Oh, wow. Come on, man. I got a, like, you know, like, I was raised in the suburbs, but I'm, like, only. Red band. Right. Oh, my God. I can't say some words, dog.

Ostrich? If I didn't grow up saying that shit, I can't really say it like that. Who the fuck eats ostrich? Ostrich. However you say it, ostrich. Wow. What did that taste like? Gamey.

Yeah? Yeah. Muscular. It was lean as hell. Damn. Big flightless bird. Wow. Yeah.

What part of the ostrich did you eat? Probably the ass. Jesus Christ. Now, have you tried out Whataburger yet? That's a big thing. No, I did Pete Terry's. Wow, Pete Terry's. Place goes crazy.

Pete Terry's is good as a mug. Is it good? That shit better than In-N-Out. How about... Anything's better than In-N-Out. How about Terry Black's? Have you tried Terry Black's? That's what we ate at the day.

Yeah? Yeah. Right. It was hella Asians. I didn't know if I wanted to eat that. I was like, what these motherfuckers know about barbecue? Oh, Asians know about barbecue. No, they know.

Have you ever had Korean fried chicken? That's not barbecue. It is when you put barbecue sauce on it. Oh, there you go. Look at this. Red man put barbecue sauce on a mattress and called it. This is barbecue. Oh, my God.

What else, David? What else has been happening? Another solid set. It's great to see you in front of an audience again. We kept the show going during the pandemic to maybe keep some people sane, keep ourselves sane, whoever wanted it, whoever. It was something for people that hate us to love, to hate, to enjoy. It just made us crazy.

Yeah. You know? And it definitely, you know, you're a real stand-up comedian. It affected, without a doubt, your timing and beats, not having an audience and doing things over video and with no audience in the room and here you are right back and it's been 10 minutes the crowd has been enjoying themselves you're right back at it

yeah but thank y'all thank y'all so for everybody who follow us we're recording another Brothers in Cursor this week Austin edition so y'all have that. What else? The Patreon.

Jesus, what are you doing? Just plugging shit? Yeah, you said what I've been doing. I got my new YouTube show called The Fat Pessimist. Oh, okay. So it's basically me being pessimistic about all type of everything. And fat. Don't forget about fat.

Yeah, it's motherfucking. You just mentioned, Jesus Christ, sir. I fat. Don't forget about fat. Yeah, that's the motherfucker. It's not just... You just mentioned... Jesus Christ, sir. I bet you won't fight me. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Exactly. Shut the fuck up. It's the same guy that hates Jeremiah.

Yeah, but I beat his ass. Who would guess? That's the difference. A lot of angry energy. Did you sign up, sir, that keeps yelling things? You did? I hope you don't get up, bitch.

Oh, I hope he does. I fuck with you, bro. All right. Oh, man. I hate it when white guys say things sort of black to, like, connect. He wanted to say, I fuck with you, my dear. I appreciate you, bro. All right.

There you go. That's all it takes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, David, you did it again. Absolute fun stuff. How about a hand for David Lucas, everybody? Come on. Here's Zach Bogus.

Let's get back to this bucket, shall we? All right. All right. I'm positive it's this person's first time on the show. I would remember this name if I saw it before. Put your hands together for Nakia Marrero. Marrero. Nakia. Nasia. Or Nakia Marrero. Marrero. Nakia Nasia or

Nakia Marrero. Do we have a female? Is this a female? I do believe so. Yeah. Here she comes, everybody. She's going to go that way. Here it is. Our first lady of the night. Nakia

Marrero. Make some noise for Nakia, everybody. Second lady of the night. All right. Well, my name is Nasia, but that was a good start. The first white guy saying my name right. Usually they just call me Gold Digger, so that was a good start the first white guy saying my name right usually they just call me gold digger so that was pretty good at least as my time already started fuck all right so i was actually

raised in a very straight household all right back in portugal my dad used to beat my ass up imagine mike tyson fighting sofia vergara okay that's how it was. Yeah, my mom would just stand in the back like a coach stands outside a boxing ring. She would just go like this. Don't get her face. Do more body work. Don't get her face. I see some of you guys look concerned. Guys, it's all right.

I'm not very smart, but I can take a punch, all right? My mom used to call me shitty little piggy. Literally translated from Portuguese. Por que merda? Yeah. She used to go like this. Who's your shitty little piggy? Who's your shitty little piggy?

And I would go, me, mommy. I am your shitty little piggy. No wonder I always dated abusive men. They would tell me shit like, you're a fucking bitch. And I would go, oh, he's going to propose to me soon. There it is. Nasia, everybody. Put your hands together for Nasia.

Here she is. We're going to talk with you now, Nasia. Welcome to the show. Thank you. I was ready to run away, but good thing you told me that. You're really from Portugal. Yes, sir. I am. How long have you lived here in Austin, Texas?

Since March. What made you move here? My husband. He's working here. Oh, wow. Husband, huh? All right. That's all the time we had for Nasia. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, everybody. I'm kidding. What does your husband do? He works for the government. He works for the government.

Guys, how do you think I got a green card? Oh, yeah. Take a step back so the audience can see you so you can square up to them. No, take the microphone with you. Take the microphone with you. I know you're used to just using your looks for everything, but you're going to have to communicate. That's what's up. You're going to have to communicate.

How long have you been married for? I've been married since I'm 21. Since you're 21? Yeah. Are you 21 now? 27. Wow. So six years was the answer to the question.

I've been working hard for that green card. That's incredible. You know. And you've only lived, where was your husband at? Portugal with you? No, we met in Norway, actually. Wow. Look at that.

And you found out he lives in America and you fell in love. I was like, fuck, I got to work on that. He was the only American in Norway, you know? And he's from Arkansas, so look at my look. Wow, look at that. Incredible. What does he do for the government? I cannot tell.

Wow. Sorry. My goodness. Very cool. That's some interesting stuff. What do you do? What department store do you spray perfume on people at? Macy's.

Dude, I'm living, look at me. I'm living that Orange County life. You know what I mean? What is it? What do you do for work? I don't do shit. Really? I mean, I do comedy.

I'm trying my best, you know? Yeah. How long have you been trying? I've been trying, actually. I started when I was 21 in Norway, and then I had a break for three years. This is the first time in three years. Wow. Congratulations.

Welcome back. Thank you. Does your husband tell you that you're funny? He has to, yeah. He has to. Right. You guys still sexually active, or what do you do? No, it's been a few years. Is that true? Yeah, that's what happens when you get married dude is that wait but hold on a second you guys haven't had sex in years are you joking is this one of those wacky portuguese jokes next next question next

question next question wow well that's fun um so you when's when's the last time you did have a job in portugal would you do like pick apples or something? No, I was a flight attendant. I was a flight attendant before. You were a flight attendant? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. What airline?

I know it wasn't Virgin. Definitely not. What airline did you work for? At least I don't look like a Virgin. What airline did you work for? Etihad. Etihad is in the Middle East, in Abu Dhabi. Oh, okay.

I know that one. I'm sure you do. Absolutely. They had a major air disaster, the Etihad air disaster. It's a five-star airline, but yeah, sure. Yeah, absolutely. There's a lot of five-star things. The fucking Red Lobster in El Paso said five stars, too.

Sure. Interesting. Anything crazy ever happen to you when you were an airline attendant? A lot of crazy shit happened to me. Yeah, like what? Like once we thought we had a terrorist on board. Wow. But then he just ended up calling me Brazilian and I'm Portuguese,

so that's quite a terroristic act. You hate Brazilians. Portuguese people hate Brazilians. No, no, we don't. I mean, we speak the same language, but we're like, you know, the other side of the world, so it doesn't really make sense. You know what I mean? Sort of. I don't really pay attention to what languages speak

because I'm an American, the greatest country in the world. You know, we just sit around talking, waiting for the best people from the other countries to move here if they have a chance to. From the other shit countries, right? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. So that's fun. From the other shit countries, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. So that's fun. You have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of young lady that's into... Yeah, I'm taking your girlfriend for a glass of wine. What? I heard she's feeling quite alone here in Texas. So we had a few friends in common and we were talking about taking her for a glass of wine.

Wait, what? Wait, what? I'm so confused. Say that again. You don't have a girlfriend? Yeah, I do. Go ahead. Okay.

She's not feeling alone here in Texas? No. No? Why would she feel alone? Because she's with you. Oh, it was a roast joke. Jesus. Sorry, this is not my style.

The setup was longer than a flight from Portugal. My God. Jesus, Nasia. Have you ever thought about working with puppets, perhaps? Jesus fucking Christ. Oh, my God. All right. I was like, what do I have to edit here?

I'm going to take your girl for a glass of wine because she alone. She's been. What? That is a racist accent. We have mutual friends. Yeah, that's a racist accent, dude. That sounds like a Mexican guy. That's not a racist accent.

It is. What's your least favorite race? I don't have one. You don't have one? Be careful because there's some blacks around you. I don't have one. Okay. What's your favorite race?

White people. Anybody who gets me a fucking green card. How do you not have a green card yet? What's happening here? No, I do. I do have one. Oh. That's why I'm here.

Oh, okay. It's been 10 years. If I didn't have the green card in 10 years, it would be very sad. How long do you have to wait until you could divorce the guy and keep your green card? That's a good question. That's a good question that

I would like to know. Anybody? Interesting. How about special skills or talents? Anything? You have a champion of something. You trained at something when you were younger. You have a trophy for anything. You ever win anything, a competition?

Yeah, I'm very good tricking white guys into marrying my ass. I'm very good at that. Okay, let's skip one of these. Let's just tell the truth here. Do you have any special skills or talents? Can you perhaps do the worm or something like that? No, I don't have anything. I mean, I can cook. I'll make you a meal. Really? What can you

cook? Anything. I used to be a chef. How are you at cleaning? Well, I'm Latina, so I guess good. I guess good. Red band? She's great at cleaning. Are you kidding me? She's a Portuguese housewife.

You clearly need some help. I see that. Maybe take a shower first. Oh, she talked to some mutual friend. Oh. I love it. Well, Nastia, so this is your return to doing stand-up in three years, right? Yeah.

Yes. You took three years off. You did it for what? Three years before that? Yes, sir. Yeah. Awesome. You think you're going to do it again?

Yeah, of course. Oh, perfect. Well, I'll tell you this. This is one of the funniest performances by a female comedian I've ever seen in my life. Awesome. You think you're going to do it again? Yeah, of course. Oh, perfect. Well, I'll tell you this. This is one of the funniest performances by a female comedian I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. What's your OnlyFans? Oh, come on. Red Band.

I'm sorry. Red Band. You guys want to all do it together? One, two, three. Red Band. What did I do this time? All right. Nasia Marrero, everybody. There she three. Red band. What did I do this time? All right. Nasia Marrero, everybody.

There she goes. Nasia. She's at Nasia underscore Marrero. Wow. I hear your girlfriend very alone. Man, that kind of freaked me out for a second. Yeah, I did too. I was like, uh-oh.

What is happening here? Maybe she knows something I don't. I hate Brazilian women. They have the best butt. Alright. You guys having fun out there? Anything can happen. These people, they drive. They come from all around. Who knows?

Make some noise for Chris Buchanan, everybody. Your next comedian here, live from Antone's nightclub. He almost said comedy club. There he goes. Here comes Chris Buchanan. Nice long strides, working his way to the stage. Here he is, Chris Buchanan, everybody. Come on, make some noise for Chris. Hello, everybody. What's up? I'm 21 years old. I was homeschooled,

and I'm a single dad, like probably. I don't know, maybe not that I I am single though my ex girlfriend she posted on her story about nine months ago after the breakup a picture of a trash can and she titled it hashtag my ex hurtful you know but the problem is then she kept on sleeping with me after the breakup and i feel like at that point i'm no longer trash you know i'm compost that's one step up yeah she threw me in the yard in the back pit also opening up the hole once every two or three weeks to stir shit up again you know yeah you know my favorite part about that is that by her calling me trash and sleeping with me, quasi calling herself a cum dumpster. Yeah. And I like that word because it still feels like I'm sinning when I say it.

You know? Yeah. Thank y'all. Hell yeah. There he is, Chris Buchanan. Yes, sir. Chris, I got here early today. I got here at I think it was like 5 today. I got here at, I think it was

like 5.30. I was here earlier than that. You noticed a deal? He was the first one here. You were the first person outside. That's incredible. Holy shit, you're missing a tooth. Yes, sir. Wow, this is the guy. My man. We found the guy. I like your fucking style,

Chris. Thank you. 21, huh? Is that one of your baby teeth? Tie it to a balloon. I love it. You know what the best part of that is? The whole time he's probably like, man, I hope they don't notice my tooth missing. I'm just like, oh my God. I love it.

Is that a style thing? Is that in right now? Pick the best season to go toothless ever. What happened there? Pulled it out six months ago. Why'd you pull it? You pulled it out yourself? You're not supposed to do that with adult teeth. Well, you know, Tony, I put some floss around the doorknob,

and you know what I mean? I was bored one day. Oh, shit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, the gold one just hasn't grown back in yet, so I don't know what's happening. 21 years old, missing it too.

Wait, why'd you pull it out though? Ah, you know. Ah. That's not a thing. Yeah. Homeschooled. Jackass. Oh, okay.

You're a funny guy. I knocked over Ryan J. Ebel there. Wow, incredible. So you're not really going to tell us what happened to the tooth, huh? No, it's just like never. We have a better chance of finding out one of Nasia's special skills or talents. I'll just tell you, I'll never go down on a woman who only does Kegel at the gym. Wow, look at that.

Well, my goodness. Let me ask you this. When you go down on girls, do you ever use your hands? I just right through the tooth with them. Wow. That might actually work. I could see how that might actually work. So you're 21 years old.

Yes, sir. From Texas? I lived all over. How? How did I lived all over. How? How did you live all over? Well, my dad's a pilot, and that's why I was always going around, getting fired, and getting new jobs and shit. Look at that. Yeah.

How long have you been here? About five years. Oh, okay. Five years. Yeah. My goodness. So you moved a lot when you were a kid. Five years all here in Austin, Texas?

Yeah. Lago Vista, and now I live like 10 minutes north of here. What, Pflugerville? No, it's called Jollyville. Oh, I thought Pflugerville because of the old... Yeah. You know what I mean?

What? That's Georgetown. That's Georgetown. Yeah. Pretty happy talking shit about Pflugerville. Uh-oh, someone's representing his new hood over here. Every time I've gone to the Pflugerville skate park, somebody has offered me hard drugs.

Really? Every time, yeah. You go to skate parks a lot? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Rollerblades? Yeah. That's my brother.

So you're 21 years old. What are you into? You like twitching or anything like that? Yeah. What are the kids doing nowadays? We're old men now. Yeah, dude, it's just skate parks, open mics, that's kind of a thing. Fuck yeah, dude.

Fuck yeah, dude. 100% bro. Just like my fucking lifestyle, dude. So are you going to get your tooth fixed? Eventually, yeah. Eventually? I mean, that's something major. You have to realize how compelling this is to us. We're from Los Angeles where not having a tooth is like having sexual allegations against you.

You don't go out, your career stops. Yeah. You know. But not you. You're just the first guy to show up, just first in line. What's up? Let's do this, champ. first in line. What's up? Let's do this, Shannon.

I've waited a long time to do an impression of a guy missing a tooth. So what do you think? What's the move here? Do you know? Do you have a dentist? Yeah, I do. I actually did get surgery on it because there was

a thing in my sinuses, and basically I have to wait another several months. Oh, you've been partying a little bit too much, huh? What'd you do? Damn. Now that's a drip. Yeah. What'd you do?

How'd you mess up your nasal passages? Oh, it was just because the tooth, it actually broke skateboarding a long time ago, and then I broke it again skateboarding. Well, look at that. I'd be bragging about that if I was a skateboarder. Instead, it took us 10 minutes to get it out of you. Jesus Christ. Amen.

So why do you have to wait now, or is this just... You just got to get an implant or something like that. Yeah, one of those screw right in. It's the worst. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What else about you Screw right in. It's the worst. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What else about you? What else would we be interested in?

No fun fact about Chris Buchanan. Well, you did my show at Shakespeare's on this. Oh, that was your show? Yeah. Oh, I had no idea. That's so cool. Oh, I did meet you there. Yeah.

I could swear you had all your teeth then. I'm pretty sure I had my mask on. Oh, that's what it was. He has a mask. That's why. He has a mask. It has a smiling face with all the teeth. Right.

Amen. That's true. That's incredible. Hell yeah. No, I mean, that makes sense. I've swung in through a few places here just trying to test out some doofy local jokes. What's a good spot to go to? I mean, really, just anywhere that has a spot.

You know what I mean? It's fun. I'm basically a fucking god here in Austin, Texas. I could roll into a music open mic and be like, get off the stage, you losers, and then go up there and do dick jokes. But, yeah.

So it's fun. Yeah, I did your show. What else? Other than your show? I have my private pilot's license. Oh, wow. That's fucking awesome. That's incredible. How long have you had that for? About two years now. I haven't been doing it recently.

Why is that? You're missing a tooth. That's why. Too loud of a whistle when That's why. Yeah. Too loud of a whistle when he's flying. No co-pilot wants to be like, your controls. Real shit. Yeah. All right.

Wow. Yeah, Tony's trying to become a pilot right now. You've got a couple flights. Son of a bitch. Following Bill Burr. Yeah, it's true. It's true. Getting a couple flights in. You saidr. Yeah, it's true. Getting a couple flights in. You said your father's a pilot?

What airline? Southwest. Whoa, Jesus. Now I know why you don't have a dentist. That's where he gets his comedy from. No, Southwest is great. That's incredible. Yeah, it's awesome. Alright, and this ex of yours, she really did that? She said you're a trash can?

Called me trash, yeah. Just like that whole thing we're on Twitter, all men are trash. Have you seen that popular hashtag or whatever? No. I thought it was unique. Oh. Yeah, no, that's incredible. My goodness.

Has anyone ever told you you look like Justin Timberlake if you got hit in the head by a shovel? That's a new one. Some people say I look like knockoff Blake Griffin. Yeah, I could see that. I could see that. Blake Griffin if he got an injury that he would take care of in 20 minutes. Yo. He's like, my tooth, what?

All right. Okay. Chris Buchanan, you were the first one here, and the bucket of destiny has a wild way of working, and you got up tonight. Chris Buchanan, everybody. Chris Buchanan. Let's get back to the bucket again.

This is fun. Isn't it fun? Yeah, I miss this. We just have a ton of pieces of paper in here. We is fun. Isn't it fun? Yeah, I miss this. We just have a ton of pieces of paper in here. We're back. Okay. Oh, yeah. A lot of fun

here tonight with the female comedians and there's another one coming at you right now. Austin, Texas, put your hands together for Brittany Ledesma. Brittany Ledesma. Brittany Ledesma. Hey. Here she is.

She's coming from the audience. From the audience. It is the comedy stylings of Brittany Ledesma. One more time for Brittany, everyone. Oh, thank y'all. I'm half gay, I'm half Mexican, but I do prefer to only be identified as a dumb bitch. That's my favorite gender-neutral noun, pronoun.

My sister is a cunt. She was born that way. Yeah. But yeah, I'm bisexual, but I don't know if I can say that that often because I swear I've tasted my own pussy more than other bitches. It's just because I'm better tasting the most though. Like I'm more like a wild caught salmon

while others tend to be like tilapia from the frozen aisle. It's just they're unaffordable. It's not that great. I had my most mature relationship this year though. He worked for IBM and I have IBS so I thought it was meant to be. Turns out me shitting myself and him working for a tech company have nothing in common. You can't take a girl anywhere at that point. But he's on to better titties and I thought how can I improve my life this year? So I stopped having sex with Republicans. It's nothing against them, it's just for people who don't believe in global warming or climate change, they sure turn my WAP into a DOP.

Thank you. Brittany Ledesma. Welcome to the show, Brittany. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Almost two years. Almost two years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Yep.

This is where you're from? Yeah, I'm from Austin. Born and raised? Born and raised, buddy. Wow. Look at that. You can tell she's got that Austin, like, I'm from Austin. Born and raised? Born and raised, buddy. Wow. Look at that. You can tell she's got that Austin, like, I'm going to change my shirt up. I'm going to just roll it in.

I actually, Allie Makovsky's live about how to do this. Oh, really? Yeah. Does she also do the thing where you tuck the shirt in through here and make it like a bikini? Remember that shit? No, I don't know what you're talking about. No, I'm not white trash. I'm sorry.

Wow. What are you? What what are you what ethnicity are you i'm mexican just straight mexican uh half mexican okay oh that's right half gay half white yeah half mexican you have a mexican father and a white mother yes right how did they meet do you know uh blind date and it worked out very well to stay in an unloving marriage. Wow. How about that? You have a boyfriend? No, I'm single. Okay. Whoa, there's a very horny man next to the stage right now.

My goodness. So how long have you been single for? Almost two years as well. Wow. Do you like it like that? Oh, yeah. Stop it, Brian. You know I'm serious when I call you Brian. I like being single to an extent, but then I always get to the point where I'm like, well, I want a relationship. Then someone gets too close to me and actually wants something.

And that terrifies me. And you said you're bisexual. So like during these single years that you've been having, what do you prefer? I feel like it goes in waves. It's like with food. Sometimes I'm into entrees. Sometimes I'm just a big appetizer girl. Wow. So how about your most recent hookup?

Was it a boy or a girl? It was a boy. Okay. How did that happen? We're friends, but he had a giant dick, and so I keep him around. Wow. How'd you find out he had a giant dick? Did the VHS run out?

It was just a very, you know, the VHS ran out. We both, neither came. Right. Uh-huh. How did you find out he had a giant dick? You know, it was one of those things where you just hope for the best. Wow. Wow.

Look at that. It seemed like a good spinner. Redband. Stop it. He's really misbehaving. He has a lot of pent-up energies. I can tell. He's playing a character.

Yeah. He's like the Harvey Weinstein of this show. Come on, Tony. I love it. So how about you? What do you do for work? I just graduated college, so now I'm just unemployed. What did you get your degree in?

Psychology. Okay. What are you going to do? Do you plan on doing something with that? Literally nothing. Now? No. I wanted to go into psychiatry, but my family's a basket case.

And so I just realized that I don't have the empathy for people. I'm afraid I'll listen to their problems. Well, they'll tell me their problems and I won't listen and I don't want someone killing themselves because of me. All right. Yeah. So what are you going to get into, like Uber Eats or something? Pretty much that's it.

I work for my dad. He's an oil and gas engineer and I'm not a fan of oil and gas, but I like that it pays my bills. Oh, wow. Red Band works with gas as well. All the time. Right now.

A little Zantac. It's good. It goes right away. Gives me cancer. So, Brittany, any special skills or talents that you have? Oh, God. Put me on the spot. You know how to do magic or rap or sing or anything that you could show off to this audience?

It's like show and tell. I mean. When you're bi, do you go to guy porn or girl porn? Good question. I'm not really into porn. I wish I was. I need like a plot there, you know? The only porn I've seen

was Wizard of Oz XXX. Well, that's probably why you're not into porn. What the fuck is wrong with you? Okay, but those little people, I think that's the correct thing to say. I saw a woman... The Wizard of Oz XXX.

Okay. She had a dick inside of her the size of her torso. Yeah. They're the people with real skill. What was the Wizard of Oz XXX. Okay. She had a dick inside of her the size of her torso. Yeah. They're the people with real skill. What was the Wizard of Oz XXX?

Tell us about this. They just really wanted to be actors. You can tell. It was very sad. Well, that's most porn. It was a lot of it. What was the storyline?

What was it? Oh, it was a... I have no... I just mainly remember seeing people, like the little people getting plowed. Oh, there was midgets

in it? Yeah. Yeah. No, like the little people getting plowed. Oh, there was midgets in it? Yeah, I guess. Oh, shit. Bring this up on your iPad, Red Band. Let's get a closer look at the Wizard of Oz XXX. I have to find out exactly. That's actually a fun fact. That's actually Tom Segura after he broke his knee and arm.

Thank you. Thank you very much. That was a special Tony Red Band hybrid. I texted him the other day after I saw the video for the first time. I'm like, we absolutely positively need this sound effect for the show. Really is Tom Segura. Get well soon, Tom. You sound like a midget porn.

Wow, is this it? Is this the right? Can you confirm? Can you come back here and look real quick that this is the actual movie that you saw? Is that it? Do you remember that? What? This was like two years ago, the last time.

Yes. How do you forget Dorothy doing that? Oh, Jesus. All right. That's enough, Red Band. Wow. The Tin Man's going, oh, my God, Toto's squirting. Okay.

All right. That's not Toto. Toto's a dog. All right. That's not Toto. Toto's a dog. All right. So, Brittany, wow. I'm really at a loss of words here after watching Dorothy just get a house dropped on her. What made you want to get into stand-up comedy? You said psychology.

You felt like someone that you're working with might commit suicide, but two people killed themselves during your set tonight. I know. So I'm interested to know why. I'm still killing people. It's a bad habit. What made you want to get into stand-up? Do you have any favorites?

Nikki Glaser is my favorite. Oh, that's nice. She's a nice girl. My dream would be to be roasted by her. No offense. You could roast me and i would cry but it would be great no it's okay you'll listen back to this episode and realize i made fun of you throughout the entire thing you just doesn't feel like it right now the adrenaline's kicking

in the it's like an actual like physical injury it doesn't hurt until afterwards um i don't know i like dealing with stuff this way. You live by yourself? You have a roommate? I live by myself. I hope no one comes to kill me. What's your apartment? I feel like you live in a dirty apartment. No, I live in a really nice one. How many of you think there's a bunch of empty glasses around her bed right now?

I get that vibe. John raised his hand over there. He knows, too. He knows. I'm surprisingly clean, but my bed is now in my living room, which is not ideal. No, that's great. That's how I do it. I like that.

I mean, like if you eat in bed and you get messy, you just clean the sheets. Red Band actually recently moved his bed into his kitchen. Shorter walk to the fridge. Yeah. Alright. Alright, Brittany. Well, nice to meet you. I'm going to tell you this. I made fun of you a lot, but I will say this. This is one of the funniest performances

by a female comedian I've ever seen. How about a big hand for Brittany Ledesma, everybody. How are you guys doing back here, huh? Look at this table. They get my butt crack the whole time. This foursome. Fuck yeah.

Look at that. How about another hand for Zach Bogus up here? If anyone's catching the coronavirus, it's him. All right. Your next comedian on this stage goes by the name of Brian McDuffie. Brian McDuffie.

Here we go. Eventually, here comes Brian McDuffie. Brian McDuffie. Here we go. Eventually, here comes Brian McDuffie. That sounds like a family guy. How many of you make some noise if you've already had the coronavirus? Very good. Those of you that don't, we'll be able to make some noise

in just two or three weeks. So it's very exciting. Wow, look at this guy. It's Brian McDuffie, everybody. What up, y'all? How you doing? My name is Brian McDuffie. All this sexiness.

My name is Brian McDuffie. There's only one way to spell Brian with an I. you spell it with a Y that's Ryan with a B get it for me Red Band get it right if you put the A before an I that's brain use your brain you idiot come on baby come on I know I'm just exuberating all this manliness up here all this hot testosterone

you know I'm actually a little insecure you know I'm not fat. I'm chubby. There's a difference, all right? Fat people don't talk to women. I go up to women, I'm like, what's up, girl? You got a dad? That's real. I really do that. Don't get mad at me. It works like two out of five times. Get mad at your dad. All right? Killing the game with it, man. I'm just going to let you admire the bod for a minute.

Looking sexy. How much time I got? No, I'm just playing. You were not playing. We're just going to call it at that. I couldn't remember the rest of my jokes anyway. You people intimidate me, all right? We all know. We know, Brian.

We know. Brian McDuffie, everybody. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Brian, are you okay? No, I'm terrified right now. Why? What's wrong? Because you've got this killer look in your eye. You're small, but I know you're scary. Jesus Christ. What the hell? What the fuck? What, do you judge

everybody by their size? Yeah. What kind of person does that? Like, 300 years ago, I'd be running a little Viking village, you know? For what? Their food? Raping and pillaging, you know? You have a good Seth Rogen laugh. Hopefully it makes me famous. Thank you, Brian.

Thank you. Thank you. That's one of Red Band's seven impressions. Seth Rogen laugh. Yeah, you're something else. Thanks, Brian. Thank you. Thank you. That's one of Red Band's seven impressions. Seth Rogen laugh. Yeah, you're something else. Thanks, man. You look like, I don't know, someone that got locked in an Italian restaurant their whole life. There's something very like the chin gigante.

You Italian? No, man. I'm Irish. No, man. I'm Irish. Black Irish. I got to get the props, you know? Yeah, yeah, baby.

Thank you. What does that mean? What's black Irish? I have no idea. It's just what my family told me, so I've been running with it. Right? Thank you. Thank you.

Jeez. What the fuck is that lady saying? We raped the Indians. Thanks. Okay. Now I'm just white. I'm done. I'm just white from now on.

Brian, shut the fuck up. That's it. What did you say, lady? I'm black Dutch, and my uncle told me that's how we got to black, because they raped the Dutch. Jesus Christ. They are putting liquor in the drinks here tonight, everybody. Wow.

By the way, one of the funniest female comedians of the night. So, Brian, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About two years. About two years. Yeah. My goodness. Yeah. And how long have you been on the Tony Chacon's New Orleans seasoning bottle?

I don't think it's even the right company that I said. I feel like an idiot. I don't even know what that means. If anybody looks it up, it'll be really funny. Yeah, you look like you're sort of like made out of Play-Doh or something like that. You have like a doughy face. What do you like to eat? Italian food.

You guessed it. Really? Yeah, me and you, baby. You don't gain weight from it. It just goes on to my titties. You just go straight with that Texas toast, huh? Texas toast. I love toast. Texas toast. I love it. Texas toast.

Wow. Brian. My God. Now you talked a lot about women surprisingly during your set. Are you good with the ladies? I'm good with them, baby. I'm good with them. In what way, Brian? Stop trying to be funny with your body, Brian.

It's all I got. I'm trying to reform the Play-Doh. Stand up straight. Now these are pecs, you know? I'm talking about your face when I talk about Play-Doh, not your actual torso. Like even Red Band, I mean, he's massive from the neck down, but his face keeps a little bit of a shape.

Yours, it looks like it's like the first place it goes. It's very shapely. You know about this? You know you have a shapely head? You have a weak chin is what he's saying. Well, when I get a beard like that, it'll all cover up and it'll be good. You know, that's my goal, man. Once I get those patches filled in, I'm money.

God, I hate you so much, Brian. You sure you're not a Brian with a Y? Special skills or talents? How about you, Brian? Any hobbies or special skills? Yeah, man. I pulled a hammy playing wiffle ball today. That's one of my favorite hobbies. I'm a basketball player, as you can tell by the great bod. Get the fuck out of here. I golf. You look like you ate a hammy the other day. What kind of golf do you do? The regular kind. Really? 18 holes? Yeah, my dad works

for Callaway Golf, actually. We'll become friends. I'll get you the hookup. Yeah, you're one of my favorite people I've ever met. Thank you. We're friends now. We're friends. Hell yeah. Go black Irish. That's also what they call the Notre Dame football team. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. They're on my side now. Hell yeah. They're black. You never asked your mom what she meant when she said you're black Irish? No. My mom just tells me we're white. Be happy about it.

My dad's the one that's like, you're black Irish. Be proud. What does your dad do for work? He doesn't listen to me. Yeah, he works at Callaway Golf. I'm trying to help you out, Tony. I'm trying to help you out. Brian, shut the fuck up.

What do you do for work, Brian? Nothing right now. I'm running that unemployment train. What did you do before? A bartender. Really? Yeah. Wow.

Hey, I need money, dude. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick.

I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick.

I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick.

I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick.

I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick.

I'll suck your dick. I Take $100 right now. I swear to you. Look at that. It's not a joke. Look at that. He's willing to suck. By the sound of your voice, it sounds like you need it, buddy. I'm all right. All right. All right. All right. Well, Brian, I'm going to cut this one short just because every time I ask you a question, you talk for a long period of time.

You figured out the secret to being dismissed ridiculously early. I'm nervous. I'm nervous. That's why, Tony. I'm nervous. All right. How long have you been doing standup? About two years, two years.

Well, when you're on in another two years, I'm sure it'll go better. I don't know. Ladies and gentlemen, Brian McDuffie, everybody. Wow. We're flying through it.

We've already had eight people up tonight. We're getting through it. Wow. I am excited for this one. Oh, wow. Look at that. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Octavius Thunder. Wow. This sounds promising.

Let's get Octavius Thunder up here. Here he comes. Octavius Thunder is making his way to the stage, I do believe. Here he comes. This is real. It's really happening. Here he comes.

Guys, make some noise for Octavius Thunder, everybody. Hello. That's not my real name. Hello. That's not my real name. I'm so Jewish that I grew a mullet so I don't have to pay for haircuts every couple weeks. I'm so Jewish I'm being a Christian because the Bible's free. I got a dog. His name's Pablo Escobar. He's a service animal.

His service is finding loopholes in federal regulations and exploiting them. And he's really fucking good at it. I want to impress girls by telling them he's a rescue, so I beat the shit out of them every night. I'm just kidding. I used to live in Los Angeles. When I'd go on walks with him, people would try to start a conversation with me, which I hated, so I'd try to freak them out. They'd be like, oh, is that a boy or a girl?

I'd be like, oh, he's transgendered. And since I lived in L.A., They'd be like, oh, is that a boy or a girl? I'd be like, oh, he's transgendered. And since I lived in L.A., they'd be like, oh, no way, my cousin's cat is transgendered. And I'm like, god damn, I need to get the fuck out of this city. And I did, and I'm here, and it's great. I met a girl on an online dating app for abusive relationships.

It's called eHarmMe. And she's Christian and into bondage, so when we have sex, she likes to nail me to a cross and fuck me. There you go. That's the end of his set. Octavius Thunder, it went good. You want to give us your real name, or are you going to stick with Octavius?

Eli Halpern. Eli Halpern. Octavius Thunder was cool. Eli, I know you, right? Yeah, I used to see you in L.A. all the time at the comedy store. Well, welcome, welcome. You look different. Yeah, I try to change up my look all the time because, you know,

when people are like, how do you look at yourself in the mirror after you do terrible things? I just shave, and then I'm like, oh, that wasn't me. That was some other guy. I like your style. Are you on a drug tonight? You have so much energy. I'm always on something. Adderall? I just have an energy drink, though. Oh, okay. on a drug tonight? You have so much energy. I'm always on something. Adderall?

I just have an energy drink, though. Oh, okay. You have a bang? One of those. I don't remember. It's not worth noting. All right. Guess not.

Jesus. All right. My God. Have you ever been on... I'm not trying to get defensive, man. I just saw an energy drink at the store, and I was like, I'm tired. Wow. From all the drugs I did last night.

Okay. All right. Have you been on Kill Tony before? Yeah. I don't remember. What's happened? What's been some highlights of your previous appearances? I did great last time. I told you that you looked like a pedophile who was also the victim of pedophilia.

Yeah. This time I would like to tell you that you look like a bobblehead doll of yourself. These are all some of my favorite things that I've heard over my entire life, Eli. But you did it. Absolutely. You look like something that Theo Vaughn would shit out of his butthole. There you go.

I wasn't even going to make fun of you. I'd rather go in there. In where? In Theo Vaughn's butthole. Oh, are you gay? No, just a big fan. Oh, okay. There you go.

It's incredible. Comedy fans nowadays. They'll do anything. Are you really so Jewish? You are, Eli. Eli's a Jewish name. Jewish enough. Jewish.

That's like my victim card, you know? Because I'm like a tall, in-shape white guy. Everyone's like, fuck you, you douchebag. I'm like, no, no, I'm a Jew. Yeah. They killed my ancestors. Oh, we feel bad for guy. Everyone's like, fuck you, you douchebag. I'm like, no, no, I'm a Jew. Yeah. They killed my ancestors. Oh, we feel bad for you. It's 2020.

21. Fucking. Wow. Time flies. This is one energetic Jewish guy, huh? I'd say anxious. Okay. What do you do for work, Eli?

How do you survive? You live here in Austin now? Yeah. I was doing Amazon, selling stuff on Amazon, like kitchenware and stuff. And right now I'm working on building a cricket protein bar company. A protein bar made out of actual crickets? Crickets? Yeah.

Wow. Well, I heard a lot of them during your set. Who's the bobblehead now bitch no i'm kidding unbelievable wait how are you selling shit on amazon like that must be hard to do since it's just a website that people go to and buy things you know like how how are you selling you buy stuff and then you resell it yeah i buy it from China and then I ship it into the Amazon warehouse. Marketplace.

And they redistribute it. Wow, you really are so Jewish. Well, I was in college and I just would zone out in class and be like, how do I make money without doing work? So I just got into e-commerce. Right. I've always been a fan of computers. Yeah.

VR porn. Yeah. You ever see Wizard of Oz XXX? No. I did see a pterodactyl porn, though. Anyone here seen that? Google that when you get home. All right.

Or don't. There you go. We have some more crickets showing up. What happened in the pterodactyl porn? There's two guys dressed like pterodactyls tag teaming this girl. Wow. Geez, all that excitement. Who even needs the girl? Am I right? Alright.

Eli, do you have a girlfriend? No. Jesus. My goodness. I have a lot of girls that hate me, though. Why? I'm still trying to figure that out. Come on. You must have some hint of a reason right i i'm such a narcissist i'm just convinced that i'm just so amazing everyone just falls in

love with me really but in reality it's probably just because i'm a selfish piece of shit wow either you're getting booed or there's a cow in the back of the venue right now i've never heard a boo sound more like a moo in my entire life, but we have arrived in Texas. I don't have fuck buddies. I have fuck enemies. Really? But they still like to fuck you even though you have a Jewish penis. Yeah.

Well, my dick's so small it's considered microdosing. Wow. Look at that. This one. Just, just, just. So how. Rough crowd. How are you going to make these cricket protein bars?

I'm going to take cricket flour, which is just ground-up crickets. And everyone's like, ew, gross, bugs. But you're not going to take a bite out of a cow. You've got to prepare it right. It's environmentally friendly. I've had it before, but a kind bar tastes good also. I could just buy that instead of having a cricket bar.

Yeah, but we should be eating bugs because you're going to kill them anyways with agriculture. Why not fucking use them for something? Wow. How many of you want to light Eli on fire right now? Seems like there's a lot. Well, I hate myself more than any of you ever could. Prove it to us.

Tell us how much you hate yourself, Eli. Well, I hate myself more than any of you ever could. Prove it to us. Tell us how much you hate yourself, Eli. Well, I also hate the world. I would kill myself, but I don't want to make the world a better place. No. My goodness. Have you gotten the coronavirus yet? I don't get tested. Have you gotten ridiculously sick for five to eight days?

No. I have a great immune system. Yeah. Uh-huh. Fueled by rage, I think. Really? A Jewish guy with a great immune system? Are we sure about this?

I take a lot of supplements. Yeah, like what? What type of supplements do you take? I heard cocaine. That's one of them. Zyrtec. A lot of Zyrtec. I'm allergic to my own dog.

Is that true? Yeah. What's your dog's name? Pablo Escobar. Oh, that's right. You said that. I fell asleep for 60 seconds. All right, Eli.

Well, we learned a lot about you. Welcome back to the show. You were in L.A. for a long time, right? Yeah, about four or five years. And how long have you lived here now? Three months. Three months. There it is.

What made you want to move here three months ago? I like having a life. Yeah. I like doing stuff. What do you like to do in Texas? Going to bars, exercising, going to parks. Cocaine. Listen, buddy.

It's not even cocaine anymore, by the way. COVID shut down the borders. He's been heckling all night, but it took him heckling you for him to get his first laugh of the night. He just said the same thing twice. Come up with a new heckle. Eli, fun times. There he goes. Eli Halpern, everybody.

What do you think? What do you think? What do you guys think? We should go to the bucket one more time, huh? All right. This is it. A lot of pieces of paper in here, but only one can be pulled. And your final comedian of tonight goes by the name of D.P. Hinsdale. D.P. Hinsdale.

D.P. Hinsdale. D.P. Hinsdale. This should be exciting. Here comes D.P. Oh, fuck yeah. I'm glad we went to the bucket again. Absolutely. This shit's about to go motherfucking down.

Oh, yes. Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you. This is the thing of beauty. The bucket provides us again with the comedy stylings of J.P. Hinsdale. So I've been reading the Bible a lot because a friend died.

And is it just me or is the Immaculate Conception like the biggest fucking bluff in history? Seriously, I mean, were people just gullible back then? And even if it is true, I mean, does that make Joseph like the first cuck in history? I mean, seriously that make Joseph like the first cuck in history? I mean, seriously, it's awful. I mean, nobody wants to be the first. And then, yeah, I mean, eventually Mary and Joseph laid together and they had children, right? So they had sex. And even if Joseph is doing the best he can and Mary's really getting into it, All of a sudden, she starts screaming, Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! One fucking night, you can't bring him up! Jesus Christ!

Why is everybody screaming? Go to bed! Nobody's talking to you! You're not my real father! And does that make God like a deadbeat dad, since he didn't show up until the end? I mean, do I have to feel better about my father? Because he like a deadbeat dad since he didn't show up until the end? I mean, do I have to feel better about my father because he was a deadbeat dad? I mean, he faked his own death, so he raised it to a new level, but still. Yeah, it's just I just have so many problems.

There you go. J.P. Hinsdale getting all of his time in. Come on up there, J.P. You can take your mask off. You can stay a while. You don't have any symptoms, do you? No. Right.

I tested negative like two days ago. I love it. Perfect. The only super spreader that you take part in is when you're putting peanut butter and jelly on bread. If you add the bourbon bacon, it's magic. Say that again? If you add the bourbon bacon, it's magic. Say that again? If you add the bourbon bacon, it's magic. Ooh, I like your fucking style.

For those of you listening, J.P. Hinsdale makes Red Band look like Tony Hinchcliffe. You are a beautiful shape. Yeah, I was conceived in the booth of a Bob's Big Boy, so this was kind of inevitable. Is that true? Yes. Red Band's obsessed with Bob's Big Boy.

Hell yeah, I might be her father. Glendale, California. Oh, Glendale. I doubt it. At Burbank, it's the one I... Yeah, my mom just wanted the tip. Wow. Look at that. She had sex in a big boy and had one. Exactly. My God. She got the big boy sauce.

I love your style, man. I feel like you could have talked about almost... How long have you been doing stand-up? Three three months let me tell you something tonight not your night right okay but let me tell you something fair enough you have an extraordinary amount of energy and like a take i feel like if you would have talked about anything but the bible you would have destroyed well ask me anything all right let's fucking get into it. So JP, this is it. This is another episode of Who Are You with JP Hinsdale.

So let's find out everything about JP. How long have you lived in Texas? 13 years. 13 years. What's your favorite restaurant in town? In this town? Sure. I don't really come out here that much.

How about other towns? I live in Rome, Texas. My favorite barbecue joint is 407 Barbecue. Wow, 407. Yeah. Sure. I don't really come out here that much. How about other towns? I live in Rome, Texas. My favorite barbecue joint is 407 Barbecue. Wow, 407. Yeah. That's also what your scale says in the morning. Exactly. Rome, Texas.

Yeah, I had a special order, and it's R-H-O-M-E, like our home. They spelled it wrong just to make it special. Wow, that's crazy. What made you move to Rome? A series of poor life choices. Like what? I tried to help out my sociopathic con artist mom. So she basically stuck me with a mortgage that I didn't want and a bunch of other shit.

Got my car repoed. Oh, my God. She fucked up your credit. Oh, she's fucked up more than my credit. Yeah? What else has she fucked up? Oh, my God. She fucked up your credit. Oh, she's fucked up more than my credit. Yeah? What else has she fucked up? Oh, everything. Is she the one that fed you a lot when you were a little baby?

Actually, she's the one that starved me a lot, so this is why this happened. She's a good woman. Oh, look at that. Yeah. I mean, look at that. You were a little boy, and now look at you. Now I'm a big boy now. That's it.

You really are. You're one of the, I mean, you're right up there with, uh, with some of the greats. I mean, you could be Amy Schumer's stunt woman at any given moment. I think I have better tits. It's probably true. Definitely. It's probably true. And your pussy smells better. Oh, absolutely. I clean thoroughly. I love it. So JP, how do you, uh, how do you, uh, make money? Um, I'm an industrial mechanic. Industrial mechanic. Yeah. Are you a normal mechanic, but you're industrial-sized?

How does that work? Yeah, I mean, they've got to put me where I fit. Square up to the audience so they can see you, or should I say round up to the audience? JP, owning it. This guy's just a boatload of charisma. JP, tell us more about you. Just tell us about you, JP.

We really want to know. Anything, really. You could just take it over yourself. I mean, anything you want to know, man. How about hobbies? What are you into? What do you take your mind off of? This, drugs, work.

What kind of drugs? Whatever I can get. get oh my goodness in fact you know the person that died that was my drug dealer's wife so that was pretty tough wow she was ride or die my goodness when you say ride are you talking about a rascal scooter no no no i'm the fat one what type of drugs are you into you ever snort breadcrumbs? I'm really into the fucking Cheddar Bay Biscuits from Red Lobster. Oh, yeah. I mean, I can't get enough of that shit.

Seriously, though, how about drugs for you? Weed, you know, normal shit. Oh, okay. I'm pretty mellow. All right. That's good. That's good. So how about, like, Love Life?

What's that like? It's miss, miss, miss, pity hit, miss, miss, sometimes pity hit, sad handjob in back of car, miss, miss, miss. Wow. Sad handjob in the back of the car. Let's talk about this, shall we? Who was more sad, you or her? Honestly, both of us.

I mean, I felt bad for her her and she felt bad just being there. Wow. Who does the hand job, though? Like, why even? That's like the, you know, because that's when you don't want to commit to the blowjob. That's like the least I mean, you can do that's still sexual. JP gave an honest answer there. Yeah.

No bones about it. Just straight up, that's what they want to do when they don't want to suck your dick. Yeah. No bones about it. Just straight up, that's what they want to do when they don't want to suck your dick. Exactly. So, JP, how long did the hand job last? I'm interested to know.

At one point, we just both let it go. It was just like, you know, it was 15 minutes of just like, yeah, this isn't working for both of us. Wow. Really? 15 minutes and then it just ended?

Yeah. I'm on some new medication. It's just not working out. Oh, okay. All right. I love it. JP, you give real answers up here. Whatever you want to know, man. I'm an open book.

Hell yeah. So tell us any other special skills or hobbies of yours? Any big dreams that you have other than stand-up comedy? I mean, no. I have lots of nightmares, but not many dreams. Yeah? Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm not. What kind of nightmares? Do you have a reoccurring one? Oh, yeah. Like what? I have a dream where I'm pinned in between two rocks on a pyramid, and vultures are just eating me, ripping me to pieces. What the fuck?

Wow. Look at that. As a kid, I've been locked in an aviary like four times. You've been locked in what? An aviary four times by accident. You've been locked in a what? Well, once was on purpose. What's an aviary?

That's where they keep birds so they can fly around free. You've been locked in a bird cage? Well, not a cage. Like, an aviary is like a big, they got trees and shit so they can kind of fly around. How do you keep getting locked in aviaries? Well, once at the L.A. Zoo, and it took two hours for my mom to realize I wasn't with her anymore. Wow. Once, she was drinking with her friend who happened to have an aviary in their house,

and she thought it was funny that it was a terrified bird, so she just shoved me in there while they got drunk. The third time, my grandfather told me that no pussy grandson of his was going to be afraid of birds, so he held the door shut and kept me in there. There was a fourth time, but I can't remember it, but I'm sure I've had it. You know what? Three out of four ain't bad. You remember being locked in an aviary more than anyone else I know.

That's for sure. Wow. My goodness gracious. What were you doing? Looking for chicken and turkey? That's odd. That is very odd. Or Auschwitz, perhaps?

Whoa. That's a real turducken of a joke. I love it. I love it. How far away is Rome, Texas, from here? Oh, fucking far, man. Almost going up to Oklahoma near Texas Motor Speedway. You drove here for this?

Oh, yeah. Two comic friends of mine told me I should come down and give this a shot. Wow. I love that. And they signed up, too? Yes, sir. Wow. And you're the one that got on.

Yeah, they're really pissed about that. I bet. I mean, they've been really putting in their time like seven years. I mean, they're real fucking killers and I'm just the guy they drag around for stuff. And were you in the back seat or did you ride shotgun or bazooka? What do they call it? Bazooka?

They had to put me in the trunk, you know. No, it's okay uh so your mom conned you you ever think about getting revenge on her i mean she's too good it's like i don't know she's like kind of like a bond villain villain like every time she's nice to me i know something's up i'm already in the trap so it's kind of like it's it's best to avoid her and just throw the minimal amount of money at her as you as you can to keep her distance wow jp i'm gonna tell you what like i said i think you have so much charisma and i think you have uh you have great timing again like when you were talking about being locked in uh aviaries i didn't even know what an aviary was 10 minutes ago but uh but i i, I think you should really continue to

do this. And I think destiny has put you in position to. And I'll tell you what, next time why don't you come back in like a month or so, right? Another minute. Come back in a month and I'll give you a guaranteed spot. How about that? I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Thank you very much. JP Hemsdale, everyone. There you go. There's a fist bump. Take one of those. Thank you. Thank you very much. JP Hemsdale, everyone. There you go. There's a fist bump. Take one of those. This motherfucker. Be careful, JP. All right.

Now that's normally where the show would end. But you guys want one more special treat, huh? I don't know. I don't think they really want it. That wasn't really very loud. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you all the way from Los Angeles, California with a brand new minute. One of the most powerful figures

in the history of Kill Tony. Legend, originally from Brooklyn, became a comedy god of improv in Chicago, Illinois. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the one and only Michael Lehrer! In the flesh. Absolutely incredible.

Your final comedian of the night. One of the most powerful regulars in the show's history. This is unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen. The crowd is going wild. Michael Lair rolling up. It's about to go down right here. Ladies and gentlemen, come on, guys. Keep making noise for Michael Lair.

This guy's a fucking star, people. Oh, Sam! I only have one question for you. Where do the high school girls hang out? Follow them. Who's having me shower tonight? Yeah, Austin, let me hear you. I got my corona vaccine in the back of an Uber. He had those little vaccine bottles mixed up with the butterscotch and peppermints.

I'm like, well, he is five stars, and he was a doctor in Mexico, but why isn't Needle like Ray Sunstrunk? And why isn't in my peel and it tickles when it blows into him oh fuck barbecue

I can live with dying I cannot live with being fat. Fuck Western food. I live my whole life only consuming herbs and spices

prepared for me by gentlemen. prepared for me by a gentleman. Michael Lair, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah! Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. Yeah! Cowboy M! Cowboy

M! When me is more like Cowboy Young when me is more like Cowboy Down Cowboy Down someone call