KILL TONY - KILL TONY #489

Episode Date: February 4, 2021

Jon Keyz, Michael Hale, Michael A. Gonzales, Jimmy Blazer, Janice Min, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/25/2021   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit Canada.ca slash IEC. A message from the Government of Canada. Hey guys, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. We're going to be in Phoenix, Arizona. The return of Kill Tony at Stand Up Live, February 5th and 6th. Two shows next month. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. dates ryan j ebelt he's the house artist he

draws every episode go to ryan j ebelt dot com tony hinchcliffe has his own website where you can find his tour dates and all his golden pony stuff at tony hinchcliffe dot com and last but not least go to shop squad dot tv that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. You want a Kill Tony shirt? You want a hat, T-shirt, mug? ShopSquad.TV. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Antones in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock!

Fuck yeah, Austin, Texas, we're here. You guys excited to be here tonight in front of a live audience? The great Brian Redband is here. Hey, everybody. Hell yeah. How about a big hand for the band is here, everyone. Incredible Austin artist, John Dees, Michael Gonzalez Dee Madness on the bass tonight

and Matt Muehling on guitar exciting stuff, Red Band, we're here in Austin so great man, how awesome was them playing before the show, jamming out wasn't that fucking great we love it, a lot of talk about this new band, we love it, and we love our old band too

they'll be out to visit sometime. I'm sure John will be nice enough to let one of... We have a... What is it? A saxophone player? Yeah. A trumpet player? And a Mexican drummer, believe it or not.

Not to be confused with Michael Gonzalez here. But yeah, they'll be here sometime. By the way, happy birthday to Joel Berg. It's his birthday today, actually. Hey, look at that. Speak of the devil. Look at that. He's going to want your job one day.

He's going to come looking. All these Mexicans always taking each other's jobs. I foreshadow a Mexican drum off between these two. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? So, yeah, fun stuff's happening. Chaos here in Austin, Texas. Ryan J. Ebelt watching live from Los Angeles, California,

drawing tonight's episode as we speak. It has already begun. Yeah, we had delicious barbecue today. Our friend Yoni, best barbecue show. Yes, so good. We get fed on this show. How many of you like food out there, huh? Make some noise if you like

water, huh? Where are my people that like oxygen in the audience tonight? Oh, okay. Oxygen got a big one. Look at that. It's a real live audience. I'm excited about this. But before we start tonight's show and get into it, here's a little bit of information about our amazing sponsors that made this episode possible for you here tonight. Guys, we've talked about it before. We're talking about it again. Truly, one of my favorite products that I've found in the past year. It is unbelievable. It's liquid IV.

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and we are back live here at kill tony are you guys ready to start this thing or what i'm telling you chaos this episode i can feel it as with these other ones here in austin we're going no guests tonight i'm sure that's going to change very soon. But I'll tell you this. I got here, you know, we get here about 45 minutes to an hour early. This place was crazy. Before doors open up, about an hour before, there were people on both sides. There were people juggling. I saw a duck

sign up for the show tonight. A live duck. There was a duck in line. It got a Sharpie marker. Alright, we're going to see what happens here. As you guys probably know, if I pull a name out of the bucket, the person who signed up, which could be anyone, could be you, signed up, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted behind that microphone right there.

And then at 60 seconds, you hear the sound of a kitty. And then if you go too long after that, you're going to hear the sweet sound of the angry Fifth Street Bear. Is that the right one? I don't think it is. I never remember. Yoni, what is it again? The angry Warehouse District Bear. Oh, fuck, man.

Jesus fucking Christ. That just sounds like a gay part of town, the Warehouse District. Well, there, man. Jesus fucking Christ. That just sounds like a gay part of town, the warehouse district. Well, there you go. You don't want to get caught there, so respect your time. And then afterwards, we talk to you about your life, find out some interesting stuff about you and your life.

Shout out to whoever made this clowny-ass bucket for us tonight. Someone actually made us an Austin bucket, the bucket of Ichabod's bucket of destiny stayed in Los Angeles. I get that thing, but that looks great. I love it. Alright, let's fucking do it. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Austin, guys, if you're

going to get COVID tonight, you're going to get it whether you make some noise or not. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? There it is. That's what I like to hear. We have some beautiful, what appears to be beautiful Persian people right in the front row tonight.

Very good looking. Looks like they have no idea what they've come to tonight at all. They were expecting to see some smooth jazz or something and they look furious, to be honest with you. Here you go. I pulled a name out of the bucket. First person getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name

of Joyce. So here we go. It's Joyce. Let it begin. Alright. I don't see any movement. The stairs are on that side. So if you're coming up, it's on that side. If anyone signed up, no, he left.

Oh, we're getting a wave off here. Wait a second. Wait a second. Hold on. Hold on. It's been waved off, guys. I got to pull another name off. How about Chris Reese?

Chris Reese. Here he comes. The momentum has begun. Through the doorway, everybody's socially distancing outside here tonight. Very few people from the audience, I'm guessing, signed up.

A slew of local Austin talent stacked on the sidewalk. Here he comes. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Chris Reese. So I'm not a big fan of the Avenger movies. They're not realistic to me at all. Because let's break this shit down.

Captain America's frozen since the 1940s, and all of a sudden he's comfortable fighting crime with the Black Panther? Yeah. You have to have some deleted scenes explaining that shit. Just Captain America pulling Black Panther aside. Hey, BP, yeah. Maybe when the Avengers assemble, just hang out in the back.

Yeah, there's no room up front. Yeah, Rocket's up there. Why? Because he's a different up front. Yeah. Rockets up there. Why? Because he's a different kind of coon. Yeah. I've always found it weird that out of the two

fictional panthers the pink one was the thief. All right Chris. Chris Reese everybody. Getting tonight's show started. Chris, a very lucky man. You were on last week's episode, correct? Yes, I was.

Hell yeah, look at you, big giant fucking baby. Happy Martin Luther King Day to you, by the way. Oh, yes, sir. Yeah, that was a conscious decision. It was, huh? That's how you pay tribute. Yes. Chris, remind us what we found out about you last week. What was the

long and short of your life? What stood out about you? A 13-year-old made me jerk him off when I was eight. That's right. How could I forget that? He was whining about it all night. I was being a little bitch about it. I'm sorry. You were the eight-year-old,

and a 13-year-old made you jerk him off. That is correct. If you're wondering, that's why he got stuck looking like an 8-year-old for the rest of his life. That's what happens. Time stops. Chris, what do you do for work? I work for a woman's clothing company.

I sort through all their used clothes. That's right. Sorting through women's clothing company, I sort through all their used clothes. That's right. Still sorting through women's clothing. I love it. Coolest thing you found while sorting through women's clothing? I found a dress with a cum stand on it.

Wow. Was the cum stand on it before you found it? How'd you know it was a cum stand? Did it just taste like one? Good question. Great question, Red Van. I'm quite an expert on that. Alright. Chris, what else? What do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that?

You seem like the kind of guy that likes to take a hot bath with an actual rubber ducky or something like that. I like... That does sound really good. I like the paddle ball. You know what that is?

No. It's the paddle with the string attached to it. Wow. I'm very autistic about it. How often do you do that? Oh, man. Do you have one on you right now? No, but I just got a new one.

My dad just sent me a new one from Washington. I break them sometimes. Was your dad the one that originally got you into this? This old-timey hobby? No. I mean, when I was young, I got very used to doing this. Oh, I see what you did there, you son of a bitch. Right back into jerking off 13-year-olds.

That's, by the way, not a way to win over the angry Italian couple in the front. I think there's some switching them from Persian to Italian. Making a hard switch here. Okay. There they are. There he is. Also, the bad guy from the hit movie Kingpin. I don't know if you guys remember that one.

That's exactly right. The one that makes him bowl against him and hits his girlfriend in the other room. You see this fucking guy? Do you know who we're talking about, sir? Oh, shit. Oh, Jesus. Oh, wow. I'm about to get this shit beat out of me.

Here I am playing the game like we're still doing a show in Los Angeles. I forgot. People have guns here in Texas. You think I'm about to get this shit beat out of me. Here I am playing the game like we're still doing a show in Los Angeles. I forgot. People have guns here in Texas. You think I'm Italian? I'll show you fucking Italian. It's actually a compliment. Luckily, all the bullets are going to bounce right off of Chris Reese up here.

Damn, dude. Use him as the middleman. Whose fucking hey-o is that? Hello. Whoever's doing the hey-o, please, either stop or hang yourself immediately. You're too close. We can hear you up here. Did you like that, Chris?

Who's that guy? The big guy with the beard? Chris, tell us something crazy about you that would shock us. Jesus. That is hard. Last week was pretty shocking. It's hard. Last week was pretty shocking.

One of my most shocking things is on my 14th birthday, my sister tried to kill herself. Jesus, you are the most depressing fucking guy. Really? How did she try to do it? Just a bunch of pills. Wow. I was trying to blow out my candles and she came out crying.

Is that really when it happened? It was close to that time. My God. Yeah. You never forget when times are ruined right before you eat cake. No, that's when I found out birthday wishes do come true. Is she still alive now? Has she tried it again?

Oh, yeah, she's good. She's fine. Chris, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for, in February, it's going to be four years. Okay. You all here in Austin? No, I came, I, a month ago,

I moved from Tacoma, Washington. Oh, nice. Did you drive here from Tacoma? No, my roommate drove me. Okay. He moved too. He's also a comic. All right.

Is there anything in the world interesting about you, Chris? I mean, really, I I asked a pretty broad question, and your answer was the ball connected to a paddle earlier. No. Does it get any better than that in the history of your life? I know you jerking off a 13-year-old when you were eight, got your sister trying to kill herself on your 14th birthday, and a paddle with a ball attached

to it, a rubber string. What would you rank fourth in your life's memories? Fourth in my life's memory? Is there anything? Do you do anything? Do you skateboard? Do I skateboard? Break into the Capitol building a couple weeks ago?

No. With your feet up on Nancy Pelosi's desk? I'm pretty boring. I'm sorry. I'm still young. I'll figure it out. How young are you? I'm 22.

All right. Heck yeah. Yeah. All right. I guess so. I guess I'll come back when you're 34. I will. All right, Chris.

Fun times. Way to take chances, I guess. Chris Reese, everyone. Talking about Black Panther and things like that. Just being racist. That's it. Just a big racist. Straight up racism.

The band refusing to play him off. I like that. I like that. I love it. Look at this. look at this there she is straight from wuhan the microphone sanitizer all right your next comedian could be a human being could be their first time could be a human being, could be their first time, could be the biggest veteran in town, who knows, goes by the name of Chad Rousseau. Chad Rousseau is next on Kill Tony, live in Austin,

Texas. Oh yes, here he comes. Guys, put your hands together one more time for chad all right so um i'm not prepared this i'm gonna go ahead and start off doing that i'm sorry your show is that bad already sorry tony sorry reby but uh a little bit about me i i play bass in a metalcore band and my bassist, he is actually paralyzed from the waist down and blind, dude. He had a brain aneurysm, fucking bad little thing, thank you. But, uh... Yeah, well, it's just hard.

Right, right, right. I'm so sorry about that, guys. So, uh... So, I got a bassist with a brain aneurysm and he is paralyzed from the waist down, blind as well. Cool. Fun stuff.

But somebody on Facebook or Twitter or something like that was like, yo, you're racist, dude. I thought that shit was hilarious because he is literally blind. He can't see a race. That was funny and shit, but. I don't understand how he's racist. That's all it is. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.

I don't understand. I don't understand. He loves people, bro. I don't understand. I don't understand. But no racist. That's all it is. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. I don't understand. I don't understand. He loves people, bro. I don't understand. I don't understand. But no, no, no, my bad. But I did live... Wow, that cat couldn't come fast enough, huh?

Hello, Chad. Welcome. Did you sign yourself up for tonight's show? How are you in a band and not know how to use the microphone? Tony, because I play bass, bro. I'm sorry, bro. But I do got one joke for 15 seconds if you're going to do that much time. You just had 60. I know Because I play bass, bro. I'm sorry, bro. But I do got one joke for 15 seconds if you're going to do that much.

You just had 60. I know. I fucked up, dude. I'm sorry. Why do you think you fucked up? Because I didn't get to the only joke that's worth doing. Well, why didn't you do that one? Because I panicked, dude. I'm sorry. Stop apologizing, Chad. Somehow you're a bigger bitch than the 13-year-old

that molests whatever's. I got it, Trey than the 13-year-old that molests whatever's. I got it, Trey. The 8-year-old that molests 13-year-olds. Chad, welcome, welcome, welcome to the show. Are you okay? I'm all right, man. I'm a little buzzed. I just came from, like, Southeastern and drove all the way here just for this.

You got drunk driving from Southeastern? Only a little bit, but I got drunk when I got here. How little bit? How many drinks did you have before? Just two drinks on my way here. You drank them on your way here? Yes, sir. What did you drink? I usually drink whiskey,

but I drink some white wine, like some bitch shit. Oh, okay. Alright. What kind of white wine? What kind of white wine, Chad? White Zinfandel, which is actually blush, but whatever, bro. Oh, God.

That's pink. This guy's drinking pink wine coming down from Houston, being hard in his metal band. All right, so let's talk about it, Chad. What did you drive here from South Houston? What do you mean? What kind of vehicle? It's a 1500 Chevrolet, just an old beat-up Chevy. Okay.

What do you do for a living? I bartend. I bartend. Okay. What's the name of your band that you're... God, I really wish I finished that joke because I really messed that up. How many of you want to hear this guy's 15-second joke? It's worth it.

It's worth it. It's worth it, guys. It's worth it. There he is. He's doing a 15-second joke. Go ahead, Chad. All right. The clock has started. I did live in Little Rock for about a it, guys. It's worth it. There he is. He's doing a 15-second show. Go ahead, Chad. All right, so... The clock has started.

I did live in Little Rock for about a year, guys. And when I did, I would drive past the school every day. And one day, I noticed the actual, like, mascot of the school was the Deaf Leopards, man. And to recant on my drummer being deaf and blind and stuff, the school was named the Deaf Leopards. Their mascot was the Deaf Leopards, bro. I swear to God. Was that the joke?

No. The school was the Deaf Leopards and... No, I fucked it all up. I'm so sorry. Tony, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Tony.

Jesus, Chad. I know, I know, I know. How many drinks did you have when you got here? More than two. What are we mixing with the white Zinfandel tonight? Whiskey, just whiskey. Just straight whiskey. I'm so sorry, dude.

I prepared. I wrote that shit on my fucking hand and shit, bro. You did? What exactly did you write on your hand? Scott and Little Rock. Scott is the name of the drummer in my band, and Little Rock was the joke and I really just fucked it up. And you said that he

plays the bass. No, no, no, sir. I play bass. He plays drums. He's blind and paralyzed from the waist down. You know that in the joke you said bass. Oh, did I? Did I really fuck that up like that? Yeah. Well, I did. Well, I just really shit that bad, guys. I'm so sorry for anyone else that wanted this opportunity. Do you want to know how many times you've apologized since being

up here? I probably did. I probably did, Tony. I probably did. Chad. Chad. Yes, sir. Do you want to know how many times you've apologized since being up here? I probably did, Tony. Chad. Do you want to know how many times you've apologized since being up here? If I have to guess, I say six. You're close. Seven. Seven in four minutes and 27 seconds. This is a new record.

I was not prepared. What's fun is that we've had people actually do worse, but we haven't had people apologize for being this bad. I'm glad it could be first and one thing, then. Do you apologize a lot during a day to a lot of people, Chad? Usually at the end of the night, whenever I'm trying to do the end of the night, that's when I apologize.

Do you do drugs at the end of the night? Sometimes. I usually do that before the end of the night comes, if that is the case. Oh, okay. Do you do any drugs today? No, sir. I've been doing any drugs. I love how you call me sir.

Very rarely do people call me sir. It's like a police interrogation. I'm Houston, bro. I'm Texas, baby. Born and raised? Yes, sir. Yeah, you're really... Try ma'am. Ma'am?

Red band. Okay, Chad. How about you ma'am. Ma'am? Red band. Come on. Okay, Chad, how about you? You have any interesting hobbies? Is there anything cool about you? Any redeeming qualities at all? Redeeming, probably not, other than playing bass and being bad at that.

I do a podcast, which is... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not trying to get no plug, bro. I don't want no plug. I don't expect no plug. No, hell no. I don't expect a plug. Absolutely not. I'd rather listen to get no plug I don't expect no plug I don't expect a plug Absolutely not

I'd rather listen to your fucking drummer Sing in the morning Oh wait no He's only blind Why would his singing be bad Alright God so much suck is fucking me up Alright Chad

We're going to keep flying through this tonight You seem shocked and appalled That you're not sober You're fucking me up. All right, Chad. We're going to keep flying through this tonight. You seem shocked and appalled that you're not sober. Alcohol, boys and girls. Drink water. Mix in some liquid IV. Stay hydrated. What a waste of a clean microphone on that one. All right.

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What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola. A gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah. It's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today.

How about Jasper? Is Jasper here? Am I going to see movement for a Jasper? I had a feeling. Jasper? No. Jasper? No, no Jasper. Jasper's been waved off. How about Caleb Rimmer?

Caleb Rimmer, Caleb Reimer, perhaps? Here we go. Here comes Caleb. All those one-word ones are probably not real. Caleb Reimer might do comedy. Someone might do comedy here tonight. Who knows what can happen? So far, no comedy.

No comedy, guys. So far, this is a drama. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Caleb Reimer. It was reported 1.5 billion masks entered the ocean in 2020. Yeah, those masks are definitely going to kill ocean life. But luckily, they won't die of COVID, though. I'm aware I look like the human version of a toothbrush That's what I identify as

Austin is my hometown I'm from here Austin is like if LA and New York had a baby But you San Francisco as a surrogate mother That's kind of how it is People say there's a lot of introverts in Austin but use San Francisco as a surrogate mother. That's kind of how it is. People say there's a lot of introverts in Austin, you know? But I don't think there's as many as they think there are.

I just think that everybody's just really paranoid because they have cocaine on them, you know? Man, I... What else do I have? Yeah. Absolutely absolutely good enough Caleb coming in doing jokes in a stunning turn of events doing jokes hi Caleb how are you

doing good man how are you great how long have you been doing stand up comedy seven years now oh seven years all here in Austin mostly here in Dallas. Okay. Is that where you're originally from? No, no. I'm from Austin originally, but I started in Dallas. All right.

Hell yeah. What do you do for work here? I'm a Lyft driver. Oh, okay. Why not Uber? Well, I do Uber sometimes, but Lyft pays better. Oh, look at that. Did you know that? Yes, I did. They give more to the drivers. Definitely, yeah.

Wow. And better customers sometimes. Do you have a girlfriend? No, no, I do not. How long have you been single for? Boyfriend? For probably like a year now. Oh, okay.

Yeah, since my last relationship. You've been dating? Here and there. Yeah, sporadically. Anything go good for you? No, the last girl I was seeing wanted to have like 10 kids right now, and

as a struggling comedian, that's not going to work out. Did you at least give her 10 abortions? Damn, I should have thought... You ever meet a girl driving her around? You ever go on a date or anything crazy happen? Abortions? Jesus. Damn, I should have thought. You ever meet a girl driving her around? You ever go on a date or anything crazy happen? Yeah. She ever come back into my place type shit?

Sometimes. I cut that out, though. Why? Why'd you cut it out? I mean, it's just too risky in today's climate, you know? What's risky? Well, you know, like taking people, even if they take you to their place or you take them to their, you know.

I don't know. It's not, because sometimes they're drunk, you know, especially in Austin, everybody's always drunk. Oh, you mean like me too shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could just keep your phone on, like voice recorder, keep it in your pocket

and go, so you want me to put my dick in you, right? Sure. Wow, look at this. Red Band figured it out. He's like, I'm not getting me too. I'll be as creepy as I want. I'll show you how not creepy I am. I'm going to record our entire evening.

Voice recorder. It's a great app. I'm not one of these creeps that will rape you and not record it. That's fun. Have you gotten close to being me Too'd or anything like that? I can't believe Lyft drivers are getting Me Too'd in this climate.

I don't think so, but there's times I've looked back and I'm like, man, maybe I didn't do something right and maybe they might have something on me. I don't know. Someone's got HPV. Look out. No, I don't know.

I haven't gotten tested. You haven't gotten tested? When's the last time you got an STD test? A year ago. How many of you think we should give him an STD test right now, live on the show? We got to do that sometime. We got to get STD tests. Oh, yeah, we should do that.

That would add a great element to this show. Yeah, or like a pregnancy test. Oh, yeah. I'm sure That would add a great element to this show. Yeah, or like a pregnancy test. Oh, yeah. I'm sure we would imagine if that actually happened. We could have like joke pregnancy tests. We could even have a pregnancy test, and we could have in a little special case with like a special key, a Plan B pill in case the pregnancy comes up positive.

We can watch someone find out they're pregnant and have an abortion. How many of you would love that? That's what I thought. This audience is just ready to be entertained. I love it. Caleb, tell us something interesting about you that we'd be surprised to know. Oh, fuck.

You dress up as something sometimes? You have a costume at home with bunny ears? Like a furry? You know, I've thought about being a furry at one point because I'm like a furry? You like to choke yourself? I guess. You know, I've thought about being a furry at one point, because I'm like, hey, I want to see what they're about. Actually, that's one of my dreams,

is to do comedy for a furry convention. Really? Yeah. We have good news for you. The furry booker is actually here tonight. What? Yeah. Really?

Come over here. Yeah. He records all the conversations that he has with Cable. All right. So what else, Caleb? Tell us something interesting about you. I took a guess there with the costume thing. Well, people tell me I look like you all the time. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my goodness. I don't see it. Yeah, I don't either. I'm like, I don't get it. Because you're, like, more Italian, right? I'm, like, more Dutch and Spanish. Yeah, I'm more good-looking.

Caleb, you son of a bitch. I don't see that at all. Yeah, I don't see it. Who said that? Who said that? D-Madness over here? Who's telling you that we look alike? I love it. I love it. All right. How about doing the stand-up? What's the highlight of your career so far? Seven years. Tell us about it. I love it. All right. How about doing the stand-up?

What's the highlight of your career so far? Seven years. Tell us about it. I don't know. Maybe doing... I've had an audience of 100 this past summer, maybe. Oh, wow. What happened there?

How'd you get that gig? It was just random. I mean, it wasn't a paying gig, or I didn't get paid, but it was, like, in Dallas. You stood on your car during a drive-thru? Something like that yeah it was all outdoors but it was random like people just showed up because they'd been in lockdown for a long time what are your parents like my parents uh my dad's a financial advisor and my mom is a health coach and they've always been together they're still married right yeah yeah over 30 years Wow. That's the vibe I'm getting from you.

There's a little bit of fucking danger missing from your life. You ever think about just living on 6th Street for a month or something like that? I might be close to it. It's hard out here in these streets. You are the whitest sounding guy I've ever heard say that. The streets. I'll tell you, I have to admit, it is very difficult in these vicinities.

It is a challenge in this area. My goodness. You said you're what? Dutch? That's what it is. You're super white. What's the most ethnic thing about you?

What would we be surprised to know? What's the least white thing about you? I'm 10% Chickasha and Cherokee. Indian. Okay, Elizabeth Warren. That was whiter. Sure you are. Heard it before. What are you running for?

Scholarship? What else? Tell us something else. Nobody believes that you have any Native American in you. That's their problem. Tell us something else. Do you listen to rap music? Do you get pulled over a lot? What's something about you that we

Oh yeah, all the time. People think I'm a drug dealer. You? Yeah, yeah. Vitamin D? C? Essential oils? Yeah, yeah. Like vitamin D, C, or like what? Supplements? Essential oils, yeah, you name it. I don't know. Have you only been with white women your whole life? No.

Oh, look at this. That was ethnic sounding. He said, no. I was waiting for the breath. No breath. What happened there? tell us about this magical one night stand for sure no no no I mean I've dated

Asian black what are we talking when you say black you mean like black are we talking about like oh you're in India brunette hair yeah like Or are we talking about how you're in India? Brunette hair.

Was it like one date? No, no. So what happened? Tell us a highlight of you being with a black woman. What's something that you noticed being with a black woman that was different than being with a white woman? The fucking is a lot faster. Faster? What the fuck?

It's like a workout. It's like a good workout. You really held on to that last word there. I was wondering where you were going. I thought you were going to say better, but instead you went faster. Really? Stereotyping them on their pace of sex. Hey, it's a...

I think it's a comment. How fast are we talking about? Can you give us an example? Can you pelvic thrust as fast as the black woman fucked you? I mean... How many of you would love to see that right now? Listen to these people. Look out there. This is the biggest audience you've ever had. Show us.

How did she fuck you? How fast was it? It was I can't remember because I was high as fuck Can you at least give us like a whiplash? Can you like conduct like a Was it like a Or was it like Wow like that?

How long did you last? 15 seconds is my guess Maybe 4 or 5 minutes Wow Stop bragging 4 or 5 minutes at that type of pace That's like a regular guy having sex for like 30 minutes While picking them up too

There's a lot of body movement Yeah, there's a lot of movement You ever been with a big girl before? Like, what do you mean by big? You know what I mean. The one that you're thinking of. I mean, sure, I guess. I don't know, like...

You guess? Did you pick her up? Yeah. For a little while. The pickup or was it delivery? It was DiGiorno. Where'd you meet that girl at?

The big girl. A comedy show, actually. Hell yeah. You guys had some drinks? Yeah, yeah. Everything. Mushrooms. You guys had some drinks? Yeah, yeah. Everything. Mushrooms. Wow, mushrooms? Yeah, yeah.

Look at that. I do it all, man. And then what happened? It'd be weird to hook up with a big girl for the first time on mushrooms. Yeah, you're melting! We're like melting into each other the entire time. Now I'm going to ask you this.

What stood out to you about having sex with a big girl that was different than having sex with... Sex was a lot slower. No, yeah. I mean, it's... No. It's about the same. Honestly. Really? Yeah, yeah. The big girls? Yeah, it's about No. It's about the same, honestly. Really? Yeah, yeah.

The big girls? Yeah, it's about the same. All right, Chad. Well, uh... All right. Why are you being so cautious about your answers? Yeah, he really is. He thinks his financial advisor father

is going to listen to this or something like that. Well, you're out of the wheel, Chadrick. Yeah, they're definitely not going to listen to this. Yeah, he's called you by your full name. Is that your full name, Chadwick? Chadwick? No. What's Chad short for? Chad. That's not my name. Oh, that's the other guy. Oh, I got the names confused. You dropped my name

actually. I have it written down. Caleb. Yeah, yeah. There it is. Absolutely. There's a breeze up here. There is. They have the air conditioning turned on. It's good. I like it. Just blow the COVID right away from us. No. So, yeah. Just blow the COVID right away from us. No. So, yeah.

Close with your father? Yeah. Yeah. Pretty chill. Is there anything you'd like to say to him right now if he's watching? All right. All right. Caleb, thank you so much.

Performance of the night so far, no doubt. Caleb Rimmer. Woo! so much. Performance of the night so far, no doubt. Caleb Rimmer. Woo! Woo! Hell yeah. Here she is. The special

microphone sanitizer. Very special microphone sanitizer. Very mysterious Asian girl. We checked her ID before the show. She's seven years old, everybody. We have a seven-year-old Asian girl cleaning tonight's microphones. For those of you that are fans of seven-year-olds. Pulled another name out. Here we go.

It's Nick Roche. Nick Roche. That sounds familiar. It sounds familiar. Nick Roche. Nick Roche. Here he comes. Here he comes.

One more time for Nick Roche, everybody. How's it going? No, I am not the little girl from Hereditary. And yes, I like to start out on an obscure movie reference. You ever hear the expression, you win some, you lose some? People really only ever say that when they lose some. No one's ever been like, I won the lottery. You win some, you lose some.

I was thinking this the other day. So I'm 198 pounds, and if I drink two pounds of milk, I would be, two pounds of 1% milk, I would be 1% milk. To put it this way, I'd be more milk than most people are Cherokee. They'd be like, I'm Native American. Well, I'm 1% milk. I don't know what to tell you.

Burning witches at the stake, that used to be something that we did. We'd burn witches at the stake. I mean, that must have been the worst punishment ever because I'm on stage right now. I couldn't imagine doing it on fire because they have an audience. That sounds terrible. I mean, I'd be so self-conscious.

I'd be like, oh, is my skin melting weird? All right, that's my time. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Nick Roche. Great performance. No, thank you. Hell yeah, man. I loved that hereditary joke

right from the top. And even though it's an indie reference, it's absolutely 100% spot on. It's great that you know that. And it worked. My friend out there, he said he almost didn't want to be friends with me because I looked like that girl. It creeped him out.

I don't know. It is pretty scary. Do you ever try to scare people? Do you ever have sleepovers with your friends? Just lean over them in the middle of the night? Yeah. I just make sure I don't put my head out my car door, my window while I'm driving. I loved your set.

How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. All here in Austin? No. I was actually here last week. I'm from Connecticut. I just moved here in September. Okay. Okay, Connecticut. Yeah, remember when we found out his dad

works for a billion dollar company? A lot of successful fathers on tonight's show. Except for the guy that drank and drove from Houston. Everybody has a father. Can you imagine getting pulled over for a DUI to get a Zinfandel?

Yeah, the cops are just laughing at you. Just get out of here. We're going to have to get a lady officer to cuff you. White Zinfandel. All right. Have you ever been arrested? You ever been in trouble, Nick?

Yes. No, no. Yes, definitely. Never? No Nick? Yes. No, no. We call it a crime. Yes, definitely. Never? No, I mean, yeah, no. No, I've never been pulled over or anything like that, yeah. Oh, wow.

Again, someone's billionaire father might be listening. No, totally, Dad. I mean, everyone, I've never been pulled over. I love it. What is the thing that you've gotten away with then? What's something that you haven't gotten in trouble for that you did? I mean, nothing really. I don't know.

I wish I could say I did something crazy, but I'm pretty... Now we really think it's something crazy. Absolutely. Everyone has stolen candy as a kid. That would be what you fall back on. But instead you're saying nothing. I steal from Target sometimes. Wow, look at that. What do you do, the self-checkout?

No, in the back of Target, sometimes if they have candy or something, I'll just take it out. They don't have candy in the back of Target. That's where they put the paper towels and whatnot. Well, no, actually, the one I was at, they had some stuff in the back. I just took something, I ate it.

I don't know. Do you remember what it was? Yeah, it was like a, it was in, like, the water bottle section. They were selling, like, these waffles, like, these Stroop waffle things. I just, uh... Street waffles? Uh, Stroop, uh, Stroop, it's called a Stroop waffle. It's like a little, like, uh, I don't know. Is that, that's like the

airplane cookies? Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. You ate air, of all the things you could steal at Target, you went with plane biscuits? Well, it was weird because it was the only thing in the area. That's how you know he's rich. He's walking through a Target and he's like, oh, a strudel waffle.

That's what they gave me in first class on Jet Blue. It's a shame they don't have any white zin for me to drink this with. What do you like to drink when you're drinking? Really, like beer. I don't believe you. Seems like he's lying.

Just a good old brewski. Not a double barrel scotch or something like that. Just beer. I like an IPA. There we go. Oh, you know that one, huh? Yeah.

You remember that one from hearing somebody order it before? How often do you drink? Probably two to three times a week. Okay. What's a thing that you love to do? What's like a release for you? You do anything other than stand-up comedy? Well, this is like my most, like this is the biggest release for me is stand-up.

I love stand-up. But then during the day, I like to run. I don't know. I'm not the most like... Run for what? Student council? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

Occasionally, I'll golf. I golfed today. Oh, okay don't know. Occasionally I'll golf. I golfed today. Oh, okay. Very nice. Nothing better than the links and some strudelwafels. That's his alarm clock when he wakes up in the morning. Time to wake up. Oh, shit, Nick.

What's the fanciest thing about you? I've tried to find out if there's any street rat in you, which it doesn't seem like there is. There might be some cul-de-sac rat. What's the fanciest thing about you? What's something other than strudelwaffel? The fanciest thing about me? I don't know.

Not sure. You're not really a bad boy. You know what I mean? The worst thing you've ever done is stolen a plain biscuit flavored cookie at Target. Really, stealing from CVS and Target is the fanciest thing about you. Do you have a bidet in your

toilet or anything like that? No, I don't. I want one. I would love a bidet, but I don't have a bidet. You wear slippers? I have slippers. You do? Yeah. Of course. You wear them every day. No, not every day. You seem like... Let me ask you this.

Answer honestly. Don't be embarrassed if I'm right. But you do seem like you're the guy that has the slippers right there on the side of the bed so you can put your feet right into them. And in a white robe. No, not so I can put my feet right into them, but they are next to my bed. I don't just get out of bed.

Oh, you take a step first and then put your feet in? Yeah, they're just under my bed. That surprises me. I don't even let my feet touch my bedroom floor. No, I mean... No, yeah, no. I think you might be lying. What kind of car do you drive?

I drive a Chevy Traverse. Yeah, just trying to blend in with the normal folk out here. All right. How about your mom? What's your mom like? She's a clerk for the court system in Connecticut. She does the scheduling for the court times. Okay.

Sounds like one horny bitch if you ask me Do you think your mom's horny all the time? I don't know I don't know how to answer that It's the first time I've asked it in the history of the show So congratulations Have you ever heard your mom and your dad

having sex? No Never? So they're real quiet when they do it, huh? Yeah, they're just like, we're going to use the kitchen for right now and then I go away. Really?

No, I was just kidding. It never was really an issue. Alright. Something else though, right? There really is. Remember the time that we had the guy on and he seemed sort of normal and fancy All right. Something else, though, right? There really is. Like a Bateman from American Psycho or something. Remember the time that we had the guy on, and he seemed like sort of normal and fancy,

and then he ended up, like, throwing his girlfriend off a balcony and murdering her? Yeah, purse house. I'm getting the same sort of... How many of you guys think this guy might murder someone one day? That's everybody. Everybody's got you pegged as a... The rare murder.

I mean, yeah, I... I don't know what to say. I wouldn't put it... Maybe I'll kill someone one day. Let me ask you this. If you were going to murder someone, how would you do it? I guess it depends.

It depends on what's happening. If they're... I don't know. I just imagine using a golf club or something. Just beating them with a golf club. Very good. Let me ask you this. If you killed someone, right?

And then you had to get rid of their body, how would you do it? I liked watching Dexter, so I'd probably do what he did and throw him in a river or something. Alright. How would you do it, Tony? I would probably... Yeah, I'd probably just go,

well, I think the Italian way of doing it, and my Italian friends over here might agree with me, I think the Italian way of doing it is going deep into the deepest woods you can find and just dragging it out there. You bury it a little bit, but you just got to go in the woods. You've seen the Sopranos. They drive to South Jersey. I would chop it up, blend it, feed it to a pig, but you just got to go in the woods. You've seen the Sopranos. They drive to South Jersey.

I would chop it up, blend it, feed it to a pig, then eat that pig. Look at that. That's the only thing I couldn't do, actually. I don't think I could chop up the body. Red Man would kill somebody just for the excuse of eating another pig. I totally didn't. All right, Nick.

This was fun. Great set. Way to make fun of yourself. The hereditary thing's great, and it just goes to show, you know, it's so much better to do jokes, and even you called it out at being an indie reference, but it's so much more important to do jokes that you're not playing towards everyone, I think, but instead playing towards the people that do know the reference.

Got a great laugh, including from us, and I think you're on the path to either stardom or being a convicted murderer. So there you go. Nick Roche, everybody. Thanks for having me. There he is. He's on social media.

Nick underscore Roche. R-O-C-H-E. Chaos here tonight. Just meeting people. No regulars. Chaos here tonight, just meeting people. No regulars. They're on their way, though. Regulars are coming. Livestream coming back soon, too.

Some technical things we got to figure out. All these old rock clubs are, uh... They never use Wi-Fi for anything. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping! Robo code searching! It takes skill! Speed! Sweat!

Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the HappyStack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet, a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney+, and Amazon Prime. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less.

The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. Okay, this is gonna be interesting. Make some noise for Tim Airwalker. Airwalker. Tim Airwalker. Tim Airwalker. Is Tim Airwalker out there?

Here we go. No? Because that's not Tim Airwalker. No on Tim Airwalker. Nope. This is so weird. It is weird. Huh.

How about Andrew Tarr? Andrew Tarr. Here he comes. Andrew Tarr is next. There's an ambulance outside. That's exciting. Here he is, Andrew Tarr, everybody. All right.

Hey, everybody. Or not. Shit, sorry, my bad. I learned of a weird side effect that certain drugs cause. It's called retrograde ejaculation. Yeah, apparently the drug affects the muscle the pussies ejaculate out, and it'll go backwards,

and guys will jizz into their bladder. Yeah, easily the weirdest Snapple fact I've ever gotten. What the hell is going on at that company? You know how long it must have taken doctors to figure that out, right? The doctor's like, oh, can I get a urine sample? And then the guy just keeps coming back with jizz. And he goes, oh, you think this is funny, huh? Like this is just some big joke to you? Now, life is beautiful, man. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face knowing that

could happen. Because somewhere out there, there's a girl who's like, oh my God, did you just come inside me? And the guy's like Oh my god did you just come inside me And the guy's like nah babe I came inside myself Because I'm a gentleman This one's on me Fuck yeah Andrew Tarr Doing it Getting it done

Never thought we'd get to have Stewie from the family guy On this show This is so exciting Hell yeah Andrew Tarr Never thought we'd get to have Stewie from The Family Guy on this show. This is so exciting. Hell yeah. Andrew Tarr. So welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

It'll be six years in June. Six years in June. Here you are. You can tell. Doing it all here in Texas? No, I moved here from San Diego. Oh, what made you move here? Well, probably half of the same reasons that you moved over here.

Couldn't do anything. Couldn't have a job. When did you move? Got here January 4th. Cool. Cool. So you were in San Diego doing the Magic Palace, the La Jolla store. American Comedy Company. Yeah, La Jolla Comedy Store.

The American Comedy Company was waiting for that laugh factory to open up in Gasland, but that's never going to happen. Right. So that's cool. So what do you think about Texas? What stands out to you about Texas since the big move? Since the big move? Just being able to work again,

have my own place, and do comedy. Have you eaten any good food since you've been here? Just P.F. Chang's. What? Jesus Christ. Wow. Are you serious? That's where I work. You don't have a favorite restaurant yet?

No, I've been too busy trying to find more furniture so I'm not sleeping on the floor. Yeah, that's been a pain in the ass. If you don't know, so many furniture stores are so backlogged because so many people have moved here. Just getting a kitchen table is like a two-month wait right now. Yeah, even on OfferUp, it's like Amazon ads are just lining up off. So you've literally just been sleeping on a bare floor or an air mattress? No, I managed to fit my mattress into my car on the drive here. What kind of car is it?

Corolla. What is that, a twin? You got a bunk bed or something? What is it? How did you do that? So they actually sell giant Ziploc bags that you can re-vacuum seal the mattress, roll it up, and then fit that back into the car. Oh, okay. I love it.

You ever gotten laid on your mattress in your Corolla? Not in the Corolla, but on that mattress, yes. Okay. Once. You seem like sort of a ladies' man, right? I wish, no. Used to be an awkward fat emo kid growing up

and now I'm attractive and I don't know how to use it. Really? Does that make sense? That's the best kind, though, honestly. and now I'm attractive and I don't know how to use it. Really? Does that make sense? Wow. My goodness. That's the best kind, though, honestly. A girl will control you for the rest of your life.

Probably. No, I actually got my first girlfriend during the shutdown. Okay. Hell yeah. You literally got that pussy on lockdown. Yeah. Wow, that's the one you guys wanted?

All right. I guess so. I guess I was smart. Okay, where'd you meet her? How'd you get it? So since they closed down all the gyms, I was just doing home workouts at the community pool area in our neighborhood.

She was tanning with her roommates. You were just working out in the community pool? This was here or in? In La Jolla. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I was doing push-ups and pull-ups on the awning and shit. Nightmarish dream weaver.

All right, so you're out there working out, and she came up to you, and she's like, hey, what's up? What's your name? No, her roommate waved me over and then I heard her whisper to her, ah, you bitch. And then we just talked for a little bit. We drank mimosas and then we set up

a date. Wow, mimosas. By the way, a more masculine drink than white zin. For those of you keeping track. Yeah. Drinks not to drink. A mimosa at least has vitamins in it. It's not pink. How many mimosas did it take for you

to loosen up enough to make the big move and stop being the fat emo boy that still lives deep inside of you? Oh, no. She made the moves. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Is that your move, is not making a move? Yeah, I don't know how. I'm not playing hard to get.

I just don't know how to play. Right, right. So what did she do? She just jumped on top of you and straddled you, and then what happened? No, so we went on a date the whole time. She was talking about love and intimacy, so I thought, okay, this girl's going to make me wait,

and then she was like, oh, I hate that this generation is all instant gratification. I'm like, okay, girl's going to make me wait. And then she was like, oh, I hate that this generation is all instant gratification. I'm like, okay, she's going to make me wait. And then that same night she's bringing me up to her bedroom, and I start freaking out because I get performance anxiety. And plus you're like, oh, my God, a bedroom. This is so exciting. And then she started smoking weed.

And I don't really smoke, so then I told her that, and I guess she thought I got high once a week and not like this would be the seventh time I ever got high. So then she got me way too high. Oh, no. The whole world was shaking. I went on Facebook to see if people would be like, huh, earthquake. But nobody did. I was like, oh, this is just me.

She said, just put it in, and I was like, without a cond is just me. She said, just put it in. And I was like, without a condom? And she said, yeah. And then I said, the last time I did that, I got a fungal infection. You said that before putting it in? I didn't put it in. Jesus Christ, look at you. Fucking pussy dryer over here.

I was just trying to get out of that situation. I was so uncomfortable. My God. Yes. So what did she say after you said, oh, the last time I did that, I got a fungal infection. I don't know about putting my wiener right in there. I don't even remember.

I said, I got to go. And she said, no, stay. And I was like, really? You said you got to go? Yeah, I wanted to go back home. She said, put it in me. And you said, I got to go? Well, no, I said the fungal infection thing.

And then I said, I just got gotta leave. This is too fast. I'm not ready for this. Get the fuck out of here. I love you. Look at the honesty on this fucking guy. See, isn't that entertaining when people answer the fucking questions? Humiliation. I love it. So then what? Did you actually

leave? Yeah. You drove stoned and drunk? Oh, walked. Oh, okay. It was right there. Oh, yeah. Was the world still shaking when you were walking home? Oh, yeah.

I didn't sleep that night. Wow. You just cried the whole night? What happened? No, I was just like, my heart was just beating fast. I was like way too high. And I was like, what the fuck just happened? Hopefully I don't limp dick my whole neighborhood.

That was like the thoughts running through my head. My goodness. That's crazy. That is wild. Now you guys are dating? We did for three months. Okay. How did it end?

Well, one, my jokes were making her sad. She said that? Well, no, I just witnessed that. We went on a date, and she ordered a drink with mezcal in it, which has a smoky flavor, and I said, oh, that's perfect. That'll really match the air quality here in California

because it's on fire. And then that reminded her about how migrants are still having to pick our food during all that. And then she just started tearing up and then showing me pictures of migrants picking food during the fire. Jesus Christ.

You got out, man. Congratulations. Get away from that shit. That's fucking frightening. Psycho. That made me dizzy. Alright, Andrew That made me, like, dizzy. All right, Andrew. Well, fun stuff, man. Another good performance. Thank you so much.

Anything else? Is that your car out front? Nope. Because the homeless guy passed out on a car out front. Oh, thank you so much. Do you think he's still there? He's not there anymore. Thank you. Thank you very much. Do you think he's still there? Thank you. Thank you very much. Why do you know that? You've been sitting here this whole time. Andrew, you know you're still on the show, right?

Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Andrew Tarr, everybody. There he goes. Andrew Tarr. Stupid. Hey, here's a picture of something that happened an hour ago.

Andrew Tarb. Letting me know that a homeless guy fell asleep on my car. Thank you, Andrew. Way to close strong. He's on social media at the Tar Pit. T-A-R-R-P-I-T. I know how many girls are probably in the audience right now just dripping wet from that guy probably, though, right? Oh, my God. I got to go. My fungal infection. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian.

We actually know this guy, and he is next. Put your hands together for Yonder, everybody. Yay! Yeah, we know this guy very well. He's been on the show before. Coming in from North Carolina, I believe. South Carolina. Guys, here's your 60 seconds from yonder. Yonder.

So I never understood rape whistles because the last thing I want to do is draw attention to myself before I rape somebody. Knock, knock. Help! He has a knife! There's blood everywhere! I need to get inside your house to call the police. He's killed my family in cold blood. So my favorite Frank Sinatra song is the one that he did right before he went home to beat his wife. Frank Sinatra's favorite Frank Sinatra song

was the one that he did right after he finished beating his wife Frank Sinatra's favorite pastime is shooting pool with the rat pack after which point he would go home

and beat his wife fuck yeah killed it. Absolutely hilarious from beginning to end. That was a great set, man. How did it go? I thought it would have been fine. Look at you. What a fucking thing you are.

Different in person, right? I don't know what you, yeah, it's really, really incredibly, I don't know whether you, yeah, it's really, really incredibly, I don't know whether it's just straight charisma. You look like the, face this audience so they can see. I mean, look at that. You look like the top half of a fat centaur.

Like a gigantic. I put that on my license. I love it. I love it. So, you guys know each other well, correct? Yeah, me and this guy play virtual reality together all the time. No way. You two play virtual reality together? Of course.

Oh, my goodness. Wow. And he has sent me a bunch of saltwater taffy by request from South Carolina. Something else you didn't see coming. Yeah, you guys love saltwater taffy, the two of you? This is incredible. Myrtle Beach's finest. This is like an ad for

don't do virtual reality, kids. This is what you end up looking like. I love it. Even though you have the opportunity in virtual reality to do more physical video games, I'm guessing you guys don't. A lot of seated play. Yeah. What do you guys like to do more physical video games. I'm guessing you guys don't. A lot of seated play. Yeah.

What do you guys like to do out there? I don't know what it's like. Yeah, dude, we literally just go and bother people in their natural habitats and cause ruckus. Sometimes we do stand-up comedy, a lot of trolling, a lot of drugs and alcohol. Same song.

Oh yeah, we have a fake band in virtual reality. Yonder, where are you from again? Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. That's right, Myrtle Beach, absolutely. Have you ever been on the show? Just once during the quarantine and not IRL. That's right, that's right. And here you are.

Have you performed in front of a live audience before? Yeah, a couple times. I do the music thing, so I still do the jokes in between songs and shit. Yeah, what kind of music do you play? A lot of Floyd. That's right. I've actually seen you play the guitar solo from Time. Yeah.

David Gilmour's guitar solo. Sloppily. Yeah. Well, I'm guessing. But it'sily Yeah Nobody's going to be David Of course Gilmour You ever play in a band or anything like that? Oh yeah, I've got a couple of bands in Myrtle Beach That's actually my day job

What's the name of your band? Square up to the audience so they can see your beautiful face I don't want you staring directly at me Okay, yeah I've got a band called Cornbread And a band called The American Sound. Are you thinking of moving here? I'm thinking of splitting my summers and winters here.

I'm thinking of doing my winters here and my summers in Myrtle because I got a really steady gig there during the summertime. It's hard to walk away from. And you're playing with Cornbread. Yep. So that's what you do for a living.

Yep. That is so fucking cool. Yep. Ten years now. My goodness. What are the other band members like in Cornbread? All of them have day jobs except for me in both of the bands. Like they are just, they're a little bit older than me.

What's the other band name? The American Sound. That's the electric band that I did the Floyd stuff with that you saw. And Cornbread. Do you ever sing in any of these bands? Oh yeah, I'm the singer in both bands. How many of you want to hear him sing a song real quick?

Yep. You gotta do it. Why? No, we're not doing that. Alright, Red Band doing one of their inside virtual reality That's our band in virtual reality. Four people on the internet just shit themselves.

Yonder, really belt something out for us right here. Thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again. Lord, your heart is true. You're a pal and a confidant.

We'll lift you through a party. And invite everyone you knew. You would see the biggest gift would be from me And a card attached for me Thank you for being a friend Wow. Wow. Someone with a talent or a special skill.

How exciting. That was awesome. Fucking beautiful, my friend. God skill. How exciting. That was awesome. That was beautiful, my friend. How about another hand for the band, everybody? Jumping right in there. Would have taken Jeremiah nine and a half minutes to catch up with that.

We love Jeremiah. I just want you to move here and just be on the show now, don't you? Wouldn't that be a great regular? He's new to comedy. Jesus Christ. Just because he sang Golden Girls, it doesn't mean I want to talk to this fucking guy every week.

My God, no. Those jokes per minute. Yep, that's absolutely true. I've always said Golden Girls, the best comedy of all time. So, what else, Yonder? You know this show very well. Tell us something interesting about you that you think would be good for me to talk about. My mom's side of the family is a bunch of fuck-ups. My uncle has Tourette's.

He has Tourette's, I think, because he like used to huff gas as a kid. He used to put like gas in a five gallon bucket, put his head in the bucket, lay a towel over his head and just pass the fuck out. So and he's been in and out of prison ever since he was like 13. And in my entire life, he's been in prison and he pretty much just has Tourette's and is like in chow line. And he'll be like, what's up? And somebody will fuck him up in chow line, and he spends most of his time in solitary. I've been telling that story a lot at gigs lately.

People respond to it well, it seems. Yeah, if they're there for music, yeah, they would respond to that in a comedic way. But if they're shooting for comedy, it's more of like a serious talk. You ever go and visit them? Never. See, that's where things get interesting. There's a lot of jokes

that you could pump into that story. Man, he fucked a bitch from IGA on my bed and left a big old wet spot and didn't tell me about it. My brother told me about it a lot later and like, fucked up my sheets and shit. He found a girl at the IGA grocery store, brought

the girl to your place, and left a spot? Biggin'. Biggin'. My goodness. This is real South Carolina. How is South Carolina somehow more southern than Texas? I don't mean this in a negative way, Texas,

but I believe Texas is the west. South Carolina is the south. Whoa. Shit, dude. Sorry. I love y'all. I promise I do. Oh, shit.

There's about to be an arrow that just goes right through his chest right now. All right. That's interesting. What's the most hillbilly thing about you, Yonder? What's the most southern thing about you? Whatever you want to call it. That I am a fan of the Alabama Crimson Tide.

Oh, disgusting. I know. I know. Disgusting. Just the scum of the earth. But you asked. Oh, my God. How dare you.

What is this he's talking about? He's talking about the team that just beat the Buckeyes in the national championship last week. Fuck off. Yeah. My god. You know Texas is the most southern state possible in the United States, though.

Yeah. So what you're saying is that technically you can't get any more south than Texas. Technically. Yeah. Technically. All right, Yonder. This was south than Texas. Technically. Yeah. Technically. All right, Yonder. This was so much fun.

Congratulations. How long are you in town for? I fly out tomorrow. Wow, look at that. You lucky fuck. Yonder, you did it. Fuck yeah, man. There he goes.

Yonder, everybody. It's on social media. Yonder Wizard. W-I-Z-Z-E-R-D. There he goes. All good. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

Yee-hoo! All right. E. Lopez. E. Lopez. That's a letter E and the last name Lopez. There he is from the audience. A steady pace coming from the audience.

That's pretty exciting. That means this could be a first time. It could be somebody that's always wanted to do this. He might be coming with a gun. This is their moment to shine. Make some noise for E. Lopez, everybody. What up, Austin? All right.

So I was hanging out with my homeboy, and during the conversation, you know, we're just drinking and stuff, and this question pops up, like, hey, where the ho's at? He tosses me his phone and starts going like, what? This is ancestry, dog. For sure, she get it too. So I was kind of like, no, dawg. For sure. She can get it too.

So, I was kind of like, no, dawg, no, no. This is your second cousin. Like, no, this is my fourth. I already fucked three of them. But he's right. That ancestry can get it too. I don't know how much more time I got, but... I think that's all I got.

Hell yeah. There you go. 45 seconds of E. Lopez. I couldn't quite follow it for some reason. I was trying. The audience seems to have laughed at certain parts, though. You definitely talk quiet. You don't talk into the mic like,

I'm guessing the guy you drove here with from Houston? Oh, not that guy, dude. No. Dallas. Is this your first time doing stand-up? It's my second time. Second time. How about a hand for Eloquez, everybody?

How'd your first time go? I went to a local open mic with like 10 people out there. They liked it. That's cool. How long did you do there? 32 seconds? No, I went out for a little bit. I didn't want to overdo They liked it. That's cool. How long did you do there? 32 seconds? No, I went off a little bit. I didn't want to overdo it. No, that's good.

That's cool. You're good. Do another one. How many of you want to hear another joke from me, Lopez? I couldn't quite follow that one. I missed the beginning and then got lost. Do one more short one for us. All right.

Yeah. So I used to talk to these old school guys, you know, and they used to give me advice. Like, hey, talking to chicks. But these are like machista guys, and they're like, yo, whenever I took a girl out and she didn't pull it out, I'll kick her out. So I tried to do that same approach one time I took a girl to a club went out and when I was driving her home I told her hey

there's no free rides either cash cash gas or ass so she bends over a little bit lifts up her skirt and she farts.

She got me there. E. Lopez. Killing it. You don't need any of that setup. You know that? The first 30 seconds of that, you could just cut that right out. Okay.

I believe a girl should put out, blah, blah, blah, blah. You don't need the friend telling you that. You don't need any of that Okay cool And then you just stuck with all that funny That funny part That's good

Red band put the fart board away So you've only done it twice When did you go up for the first time When was that open mic Last year. So this is something that you've always wanted to do and just started? I've been hearing you guys out for the longest.

You know what? I'm taking your advice. Go to open mics. Start it out. See how it goes. I'm glad I came out here today, though. Heck yeah. We're glad you did, too, E. Lopez. You seem like a real man. You have a real job. You're like an electrician or something like that? Carpenter.

I'm a milk carrier. A milk carrier? Yeah. You carry milk? Yep, deliver door to door. Really? You're a milk man? Milk carrier.

Male. Male. Hey, mister. Male carrier. I swear to God, I thought he said milk carrier. Like, what are they, from the cow to the bucket? Like, I don't really get it. No, I'm a milk carrier.

That ain't that country in Dallas. You're a mail carrier. So you're a postman? Yes, sir. Hell yeah. How long you been doing that for? This year's 10 years. Wow, look at that.

Did you notice any major differences with your postal service recently? Nah, we got a shitload of packages. But everybody's asking for their check, though. Their stimulus check. Of course, of course. But I mean, like, as far as budget cuts or anything crazy, when all that stuff was happening in the news, did you notice any difference with your...

Nah, I mean, we stay busy, man. Right. This is very interesting. Yeah, it is very interesting. I'm with you, Mr. President. It's the last day I'll be able to say that. Yeah, you can't say that anymore. Full of my president.

Oh, my goodness. So, E. Lopez, you're Dallas, right? Yes, sir. You have a wife? Nope. Nope. Girlfriend? Not at the moment.

Not at the moment. Hell yeah. What do you do for fun? I mean, I listen to podcasts all day. It's what keeps me going. I just play some poker and soccer, different types of stuff. All right. Hell yeah.

Have you had the coronavirus yet? I honestly don't know, but I tested negative the one time I did test. Okay. What made you test that one time? I honestly got sick. You really got sick? Yeah. What was it?

Just a normal flu? I came back from Mexico, and I don't know, man. Oh, that's all i honestly got sick you really got sick yeah what was it just a normal flu uh i came back from mexico and i don't know man oh that's all it was there you go that answers everything you went to mexico that's all you had to say hell yeah uh so what was it you think it was just the water or something down there it's like it's like sex in the city gastroenteritis is that what they called it i don't know't know. I was feeling bad. What were your symptoms? Same thing. Headache. High fever for a couple days. It took like three days. I was good after

that. I just stayed away just for precautions. When did you get tested? Right when you got back or a few days after you were sick? I felt sick when I got back a few days after. So you probably did have it. Yeah, you had it.

Well. There's two doctors over here. Yeah, that's us. Dr. Red Band. How often do you play soccer? Rarely. It was my first time last week, and I'm still sore. Really? You played soccer for the first time last week? In a while. I'm glad. Oh, okay.

I was going to say. You went to Mexico and you didn't play soccer? It's good out there. You're still sore. How long did you play for? A good hour. An hour. Alright. What'd you do in Mexico besides that? Was there a reason for going there? My dad stays out there.

Oh, cool. Okay. And what'd you do with your dad? You checking your dad? Uh... You checking your watch, bro? Yeah, what the heck? Uh-oh. Gotta drive back, bro. Gotta drive back.

Really? You wanna leave? Nah, I'm good. I'm good. I'm having a good time here. First person in the history of the show. Things are going okay, and you're like,

uh, you know what? I'm the first person in the history of the show Things are going okay And you're like, you know what That mail ain't gonna deliver itself In the morning You're such a responsible Such a responsible milk man Alright

What'd you do with your dad? Anything? Just did a little sightseeing It's been a while since I've seen him What type of sights did you see? your dad? Anything? Just did a little sightseeing. It's been a while since I've seen him. What type of sights did you see? Was it one of those, what is that, a donkey show? Yeah. Oh, no.

This is like in the country. Well, Michoacan, I don't even know about that. No, say it again. Michoacan. Wow. What does that mean? It's a state over there. Territory.

Oh, okay. M-I-C-H-O-A, something like that? Michoacan, yeah. I only know how it reads on a map. I've never heard it actually pronounced before. It's a Mexico country. That's all it is. Yeah, like what's out there.

We don't know. I ran into Antifa out there. Antifa? That's where they are? Nah, it's a bunch of cows just storming the street. A bunch of what? Cows. Cows?

Blocking the street. Whoa. A bunch of cows? Yeah, Antifa is actually a bunch of cows. Okay. Oh, like Goyum? I have no idea what's going on. Me neither. I heard Milkman earlier. I no idea what's going on. Me neither. I heard milk man earlier.

I know. It turns out it was mailman, and now I think he said cows, but how could I get this many dairy references incorrect in one night? And keep us back. All right. E. Lopez, fun times, man. For a second time, you have a real natural knack for it. You've got to get that mouth closer to the microphone.

You have to really confidently enunciate a little bit harder. But other than that, man, I think you have a great sense of humor. Trim the fat out of the front of those jokes, as with everyone that you've ever heard me talk to, but you know what's funny, dude. You have a good sense of humor. Appreciate it, Tony. E. Lopez, everybody.

Oak Cliff Original. He's a drug mule he's a Mexican drug mule mailman I don't believe it I asked him what he did with his father in Mexico and he looked at his watch

he's like how much time do I have? All right. Dave Sarah. D-A-V-E-S-A-R-R-A. Oh, we know this guy, too. Here he is, Dave Sarah. You guys having fun out there tonight?

All right. Anything can happen. Here's Dave Sarah. Fuck yeah, baby. Dude, let's celebrate today, Martin Luther King Day, with some dark-ass fucking jokes, dude. I like to fuck with my mom. I told my mom,

I have jungle fever. She gasped. She said, You want to marry a Jew? I said, you want to marry a Jew? I said, I fucking love Austin, dude. A lot of music festivals out here. I got fucked up at a music festival. I'm fucked up right now. But I got fucked up at a music festival and I thought to myself, yeah, fuck yeah.

got fucked up at a music festival and i thought to myself yeah fuck yeah if albert einstein if albert if albert einstein went to music festival and took ecstasy i still think he would believe that e equals mc squared that one's for the people at home right i'm sorry here we go. I'm sorry, guys. I suffer from minor necrophilia. I like to fucking only fuck small children. That was bad, too. Jesus Christ. Hey. Hey. Joel Berg looks a little different tonight, huh?

Jesus Christ. Thank you very much. No. Oh, no. Don't thank me. I'm so sorry. Here's another apology segment of tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Dave, have you been on this show before?

Yeah, one time. How did that go? Very bad as well. It was worse than this? No, not as bad, but it was pretty bad. Wow. All right. When was that?

It was in June, so it was also a COVID one. Okay. That was on the... That was the puppy beater. The puppy beater. You remember that? You sent in a video or you were live? I was live.

I said... Yeah, he talked about beating a dog because he thought people would like that. Yeah. I talked about beating a dog because it's like turning purebeds into rescues. Yeah. Jesus, Dave. Have you been arrested before? Four times.

For what? Bud. Weed. Marijuana? Marijuana. It's pretty bad. I spent about 180 days in county jail.

Do you still smoke it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It doesn't seem like you do at all. Do you do other things as well? Sure, man. I do a lot of cocaine too as well. Really?

You do that daily? Monthly. How many days in a row do you do it when you do it monthly? Well, I guess you call that a bender, right? It's like two days in a row. 36 hours is like my... I get paid every other week, so usually every other week is when I do some cocaine.

Okay. What do you do for work? I work for Wham-O. They sell Frisbees, hula hoops. Okay. I remember now. Hey, nobody search my name, though, and message Wham-O,

because I don't want to get fired, because I like that job. Jesus, that's exactly how they do it. They wait for someone like you to say, don't do this, it will affect my life. And some cold person out there on the internet with nothing better to do is like, I want to feel an emotion today.

And then they write the letters straight to Wham-O. That's how it works. You know this, right? I work for Wham-O. So, before we moved out here, I work for Wham-O. So, before we moved out here, he came to the comedy store and gave me a bunch of cool Wham-O shit, like frisbees and

hacky sacks and all this cool stuff. You split it up 50-50? You didn't think about doing that? You gave it all to Red Band? Well, I was hoping that he would give it to the actual members. It's okay. Go ahead, Red Band. So, I'm at the grocery store and I'm thinking, man, I got so much Wham-O stuff in my back. I can't take all this to Texas.

I don't need five Frisbees and stuff. So I see this kid. He was like 10 years old or something, walking by in the parking lot at the grocery store. I'm like, hey, kid, do you want this Wham-O thing? And I just see this dad come around the corner of the van. Excuse me, can I help you, sir? Of course, I'm the guy giving some toys out the back of a car.

Recording the whole conversation. You're like, no, I have it recording. Listen, I'm just offering your boy some Frisbees. It was so sketchy. They're right here in the back seat of my car, kid. I have an uncomfortable amount of toys in my car, yes. Redband's not a pedophile, though. He actually goes up to kids and asks them for candy.

Yeah. Dave. Yes, sir. You seem like an interesting guy. Are you a big fan of comedy? Big fan. I'm a big fan of Kill Tony as well. I came from Los Angeles.

I'm here from Los Angeles. By the way, I'm here for that. Did you just snort? Who's a little piggy boy? Who's a little piggy boy? Are you a little piggy boy? Mashed potatoes. Dave.

Yes, sir. Dave, are you a little piggy boy? A little piggy boy, yeah. All right. No, no, no. It's okay. Okay. So what were you saying when you snorted?

No, I don't remember what I was saying, but yeah. I love it. There's a reason why. I heard that it's your birthday today. It's my birthday today. It's also David Tell's birthday, but today's my birthday as well. Today's mental health day on Kill Tony, everybody.

This guy just jumped up and down twice for his birthday. I like it. I'm happy. It's been a great weekend for me. How are you celebrating your birthday? I came out to Austin. It was $130 to fly from Los Angeles to here. I ate Rudy's, which is weird

because everybody talks shit about Rudy's. It's like the chain of Austin barbecue or whatever. It's funny because they give you a lot of utensils. Like a fork and a knife?

Well, no. Here's the thing. I don't understand because the utensils, a lot of them have two forks and one knife, one spoon and a knife. They give you so many... This is not funny at all. They give you so many... This is not funny at all. They give you so many fucking utensils that...

Yeah, I don't know. Birthday cocaine, huh? My goodness Christ. Wow. I'm so bad. I thought that was going to go somewhere, and then you just started talking about the utensils. No, no, no.

All right. Okay, Dave. Yes, sir. All right. Okay, Dave. Yes, sir. All right. Well, we're going to keep it moving. Did you have fun here tonight? I had a great time. Thank you very much.

You have any special skills or talents? No, I do cocaine. I work for Wham-O. Thank you. Okay. Dave Serra. There he goes, everybody. We're going to keep it moving.

Dave, exhale. All one word. D-A-V-E-X-A-J-L-E. All right. He's going to jump off the stage. There he goes. He does not remember how he got up. I get the feeling that's not the only

awkward comedown he's going to have in the next 24 hours. Wow. He's having fun. How about another hand for Dave? It's his birthday, everybody. He's having fun. How about another hand for Dave? It's his birthday, everybody. He's having fun. He's having fun. Look at this guy. Time of his life.

I'm telling you. I guarantee you. I know what it's like coming from LA to here. LA is so, so depressing right now. So I'm happy that you made it out here for your birthday, Dave, even though you're sort of completely insane. I'm glad you got this.

Matty Go. Matty Go, you are next on Kill Tony. Matty Go. M-A-T-T-Y-G-O. Here he comes. All right. All right. All right. Austin's fun, man.

I love it. I haven't even eaten. I ate at Rudy's like eight years ago here or something like that. But a lot of great restaurants. Polvo's. Anybody know about Polvo's South? Yeah. I had P. Terry's the other day for my first time.

That was great. Oh, the Pete Terry's people. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Matty Go. One more time for Matty. Hey. Oh, my goodness. Welcome to Austin, guys. It's an honor to be here.

There's some crazy stuff going on outside that I don't know if y'all saw. But my goodness, it was nuts. There was a guy that, this just happened, no lie. He was out there, and he was saying, they're going to kill Tony. And he was saying that you're the Tin Man. No lie, this just happened. He got it. And, man, he was the one without a brain.

And I don't want to say that. I don't want to put that out there, but my gosh, this is surreal. Yeah, he was like, they're going to kill Tony. I thought it was like a conspiracy thing going on that he was spitting the truth out there. But, man, I was raised in Montana. And I'm used to camping in the woods, you know. And Austin does camping a little bit different.

You know what I mean? And, oh, man, that was it. That goes by quick. I love you guys. All right. Oh, man. Matty, go. Let's talk about it. So here by quick. I love you guys. All right. Oh, man. Matty, go. Let's talk about it.

So here we go. This is my first time with a... First time, and you spent 55 seconds giving a report on what's happening on the sidewalk. I really... That's right, people. There's crazier people outside of the venue right now. I know it's shocking to think. Like, you thought...

Oh, my gosh. It was all behind the microphone tonight. I had other things to say, but man. So what happened out there? There's people being crazy. Someone, a crazy man said I'm the tin man. There was a gentleman that was going around first, and he was asking people if he could borrow a cigarette.

Sure. And then he would. This is normal. Have you ever been outside before, Matt? No, it's so different then you'll never believe he asked me if I had any spare change

so he got like five people deep and then one person actually gave him a cigarette and he gave him a hundred dollars out of this little you know, this little thing and then he came back like six or seven minutes later with like a smoked butt in his hand with some ashes. And he said, can you hold this for a second to me first?

And I'm like, I'd love you, man, but I don't think I can do that. And then the dude next to me was like, sure, and gave him $100. I'm like, it's the weirdest thing. I don't know. I don't know if that should I. And that's the same guy that said he was going to have me killed? No, he was warning people like, they're going to kill Tony.

Oh, yeah. What did he look like? He had longer hair. Wait, was he singing the Golden Girls theme? You son of a bitch. Oh, my goodness. All right, Matty, go. I don't care.

This is just another day in the life of me that you got to witness for a second, Matty. But let's talk about you. We got five seconds. You said you're from where? Arkansas? No, I was born in Houston, but I was raised in Western Montana, actually. Western Montana.

All right. What else were you going to talk about tonight? Like the things that I used to believe as a kid. Like what? Like the handicapped spot in parking lots. Like the symbol looks like someone on a toilet. And I thought that those spots were reserved for people that needed to use the restroom. Because it's like closest thing to the store. And it's like because it's like for you know closest thing to

the store and it's like these people really need to go you know like let them but i was always wondering why they were in wheelchairs and had crutches and stuff like that that makes sense what else were you going to talk about um i uh bow flex commercials where uh topical where the before and after was like a big hairy fat man, and then the after was like this ripped lobster, no hair on the chest. Right. You know, and I thought working out made you lose your body hair. Uh-huh.

Oh, look at that. When did you learn these things? When did you learn that? When I finally realized the truth. Yeah, when? Was probably, I mean, you know, I believe for a couple years, like from 10 to 12 or something like that. I don't know.

My parents were like, yeah, that's what it is. Like, they let me believe whatever I wanted. And that was when you were still in Arkansas? Montana. Montana. I don't know why you keep saying Arkansas. It's all the same middle of America to me. And now where are you?

Here? Yeah, I'm just like an hour away from here. Okay. An hour which direction? Like west, like in Marble Falls area type of thing. Okay. Marble Falls? Anybody? Marble Falls? Anybody?

You know where it is. Okay. What do you do out there? I'm a bartender at a bar. What kind of bar? A sports bar? Yeah. It's at the Horseshoe Bay Resort.

Is it a gay bar? No, no. You're smiling like it's a gay bar. There's no gay sports bars. I always smile like it's a gay bar. Go Michigan. Go men. Alright, Maddie.

You guys are awesome. So what's it like living out there? Why'd you choose an hour away from civilization? My grandparents moved there in like 95, and I was raised in Montana, like I said. Oh, my gosh. From like 1 to 19, and then so like, I guess I was like 14 or 15.

They moved to Horseshoe Bay, and we'd drive down from Montana every other summer to visit them for a couple weeks. Anything fun ever happen out there an hour west of here? Yeah, I've seen... I saw a cougar, like a mountain lion. That was pretty cool. Swear to God, I don't know what's happening

tonight. I've seen a couple. I like wildlife. I like to be outdoors. Yeah? What do you like to do outdoors? What do I like to do outdoors? I like to I don't know, just breathe in the fresh air

and stare at the sun. Did you drop Molly before you came on stage today? It really is. This is like a... I think that guy had a physical effect on me. This is like one of these things that shows you what each drug does to you. The last guy was cocaine.

And for my next drug... Yonder is just carbohydrates. And then this is just straight up fucking... You seem very ticklish. You'll never believe what I saw on the fucking sidewalk. Dude, it was so crazy. But a little bit about me. They know what I'm talking about out there.

Yeah, I bet they do. I bet it's just chaos out there. I wanted to come in here and... And I bet that they watched this, and I bet they're like, well, I know not to mention what happened out here. I'm gonna go right into my material. Loves wildlife, and you were treated like a guinea pig tonight.

Matty, anything else crazy we should know about you before we move on to the next person? Any fun facts about you or your life that we would find interesting? I play pinball a lot. That's one of my big things. To come out to Austin every week for the last 10 years or so, I've been back in the pinball. Okay. Where do you pinball at in Austin?

There's pinballs, yeah, with a Z. Yeah, it's sweet. We've been there before, after a show before. Yeah, that was a while ago. B-Y-O-B, it's like a pretty chilling place. What's your favorite pinball table? That's a good question. I think that right now there's a new one, Van Halen, that just came out.

A new Van Halen? Yeah. Wow, is it missing a couple of the members? It's just the drummer? Yeah. It's pretty fun. I mean, I like them all. I'm more of a 90s genre pinball fanatic, whatever.

But, man, you're staring straight into my soul. All right. I love you guys, man. Thank you. Y'all have been so cool. Oh, and I sweat a lot. That's why I wear the gloves, because I used to start playing in pinball tournaments, and I used to sweat a lot. That's why I wear the gloves. It's because I used to start playing in pinball tournaments,

and I used to sweat a bunch. And the person behind me would have to wipe it down on the sides. Oh, that's completely disgusting. I love it. I like the fist bump culture that we're in right now. Hell yeah. Well, don't ask me for one. No, I'm kidding.

All right, Matty. I'm not sweaty right now. This is fun. Well, Matt, thank you so much for coming on the show. There he goes. He's a pinball wizard, everybody. He's that NG the artist on social media.

There he goes. He's got the gloves. All right. How about another hand for this young immigrant girl who's volunteered. She's not even getting paid for this tonight. She did this job tonight for a cup of rice.

Not even cooked. Not even wet. It's a cup of dry rice. She had a little sign that said we'll work for dry rice. And Red Hand picked her up on the way. I adopted her. Making the way.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Ivan Garcia. Ivan Garcia. Ivan Garcia. Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. And they're always glad you came. Is Ivan coming? People are all the same.

You want to go where everybody knows your name. Come on, one more time for Ivan Garcia, everybody. Woo-hoo! Oh my gosh, guys. You guys all from Austin? Yeah! You guys know all the great bakeries in Austin? We got Russell's, we got Quack's, Mi Tradicion.

I invite you all to come to my bakery here in Austin. We're a ruthless group of bakers. We're known as the KK Cakes. We only do gay weddings. Thank you. And sorry, my people, I will not be making a tres leches cake this year. Too many grandmas have died of COVID. Anyone been on a crazy date?

This chick showed up super pissed. She's like, you're not going to pull my seat up for me? I'm like, it's a booth. Sit down. And I was like, it was kind of wrong of me to ask her if she wanted to hook up right away. She just looks at me. She's like, what do you mean I want to hook up right away? I don't do one night stands.

And I was like, well, we can fuck all week if you want. It doesn't have to be one night. And then these Austin chicks, she's like, sorry, I don't fuck straight guys. I was like, oh, fuck. I'm going to have to suck some night and then these Austin chicks she's like sorry I don't fuck straight guys and I was like oh fuck I'm gonna have to suck some dick to get some pussy tonight it better come with cocaine it didn't guys it didn't

whoo fuck yeah alright you guys are so awesome I don't know I guess so you were really gambling on everybody going crazy at the cocaine part of that joke. I haven't done it. Is this my crowd? Just Gabe and Sarah.

It's just Gabe and Sarah. Yeah, whammo! Hell yeah. No cocaine. Welcome back. You were just on what? Last week or something, right? I did, yeah. I bombed really bad. You did. This went better this week, wouldn't you say? Yeah, I think so, yeah.

How do you guys feel like it went? The internet was telling me it sucked last week, so thank you. There you go. All right, well, we'll see what they had to say about this week. Oh, shit. There you go. That guy might give you $100 to put his cigarette out on your hands or something like that. Was that the guy outside? Oh welcome ivan so uh what's happened in the past week in

your life that we would find interesting uh i was uh really sad about my set and then i did a couple shows with my friend and just been doing that just been doing a lot of sets and uh listening to music as much as possible i love music do my. What kind of music do you like? I love oldies, man. A lot of soul, a lot of oldies. It's amazing being here at Antones. Oh my gosh. Like what? What kind of oldies? Like Gil Scott Heron, Beatles, you name it. That's my range.

I don't know if the Beatles are really considered oldies. Gil Scott Heron? Come on. I guess they are. Really? Are they oldies? What's oldies? I mean, yeah. Like Supremes? I love Supremes. I mean, how old do you want to get? they oldies? What's oldies? I mean, yeah. That's classic rock. Like Supremes? I love Supremes. I mean, how old do you want to get? Yeah, I guess that's oldies.

Yeah? Right? What would our chief music superintendent... I mean, I don't know for the youngins now. Would you consider the Beatles oldies? I mean, that is the 60s. Yeah. I guess it's older, but I think oldies is before the late 60s.

Yeah. I consider the late 60s a different thing. But I mean, to this young buck, he looks like he's on fucking... What's it called? TikTok. What's that one reference that the kids are on? Apparently I'm an old piece of shit compared to people. I don't know.

How old are you? 33. Wow. God damn. Brown don't crack. Yeah. It really doesn't. You look very young.

You get that a lot, huh? I do. My goodness. Weren't you the guy that has sex in your car all the time? I do. I'm trying to stop. This guy said, by the way, ladies and gentlemen, that he has so much sex in his car

that he had his passenger seat removed, and he takes girls there and has sex with them in the area that used to be the passenger seat to the back seat. At Best Buy. Sometimes. Are there any ladies here tonight that would let this guy have sex with you on the back seat? At Best Buy. Sometimes. Are there any ladies here tonight that would let this guy have sex with you on his passenger seat?

There you go. That's the one lady that wants to fuck. Yeah. I love it, Ivan. You got super lucky tonight. Anything else that you wish you would have brought up in last week's interview that you didn't? Did you think more about the interview part?

I didn't. I just kind of blanked out. I had a horrible ordeal that day right before the show. It kind of fucked me up. What happened? Just a bunch of crazy shit I had to deal with. Outside guy yelled that. And then a crazy thing with a girl in the morning. What happened with the girl in the morning?

She thought I was trying to look at somebody else. And I was just like, no, just trying to clear it up. And text messages, yeah, all horrible. She didn't want to see me. I think I'm better in person for makeup things than texting. Yeah. It's pretty sus. I've never met a gay womanizer before, but I think you're it.

Thank you. You close with your mom? Yeah, sort of. She's kind of a quiet lady. How about your dad? Super close, yeah. What does he do? He's a mechanic.

Oh, wow. Okay. All right. And has he ever about your dad? Super close, yeah. What does he do? He's a mechanic. Oh, wow. Okay. Alright. And has he ever fixed your car? No. He makes me do it. Oh, you know how to do it? No, I take it somewhere else. Okay. Why do you laugh

at that after you said it? Because I really would have liked to learn, but he really wanted me to be in an office and not learn how to do hard work like that. And I was like, hey, I feel you. Do you know how to fix things on cars, Brian? Yeah, actually my dad was one of those guys that made me fix everything growing up. And the only time

I ever got my first oil change that I didn't do is when I moved to California. But I had to do alternators, I had to do brake pads, all the fuel lines, everything. Help me change my brakes. It didn't help me out at all. Because now I'm like, Dad, I have money.

Why would I pay $40 to get an oil change? I'd rather do that than fucking bother. $40 is $80. Shit. $80? What kind of fucking oil are you putting in there? Chiffy lube? I don't know.

You don't even do Teslas? You don't even get their oil change? No. We don't have any engines. You got the Batmobile. Wild. Wild. All right, Ivan.

Well, you got up last week. You got up again. You say it went better. I believe in it. Straight redemption in seven days. I love it. Ivan Garcia says that was an improvement from a week ago. He's Ivan in space.

My goodness. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time? It's been nothing but evil all night What do you guys think? One more? Oh wow Thank you so much This young lady made me some sake

What was this? I wonder if this just fell out Did someone see a name fall out earlier? You did? You did? I saw it. Well, he hasn't been up, so. Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Butler. Destiny has given us

Daniel Butler. Fell out of the bucket, I guess perhaps earlier in the evening, and now he's up right now. Daniel Butler approached the stage. Hopefully it wasn't from last week. Here he comes. He's walking up. Very, very exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Butler.

Howdy hey there, folks. Don't mind me. I'm just recovering this morning. Anybody else here take a shit so big, folks? Stay with me. I'm just recovering this morning. Anybody else here take a shit so big, folks? Stay with me. Take a shit so big that when you turn around and you look at the shit that you just took, it was so large, in size

that you think, prison! Easy! I could run that shit. Join any gang I want. Be on the top from the bottom. Run San Quentin. This morning, folks, I shit out a gang rape and I didn't feel a thing. How's about that? I came from New Hampshire. New Hampshire's state slogan is live free or die. It's the most overcompensating state slogan, in my opinion, especially from a place that was a former British colony for several

hundred years. They say live free or die. I looked it up, folks. The old state slogan is cocksuckering and subservience since 1622. Prior to that, it was please my lord, let my wife take the balls. But that's just what you get. That's just what you get from a group of people that left a place called England and named it New England. The place that they hated named it after that state. It's like it goes on for another 30 or 40 seconds. There you go. There's Daniel Butler, everybody. Did good.

Young Buck, good looking guy. Up here doing jokes. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. All here in Austin? No, no. I started up in New Hampshire doing like going down to Massachusetts, Boston, Maine, all that. This is your first time on Kill Tony? No, no. I started up in New Hampshire doing like going down to Massachusetts, Boston, Maine, all that.

This is your first time on Kill Tony? Yes, indeed. Yeah, I went to the one in Swansea. Oh, cool. Yeah, you're wearing the same thing

everybody wore there. That's right. There were so many people in Swansea, Mass wearing this exact outfit that I had them all come up on stage and take a picture

with tasks and there was literally like 70 fucking human beings. All wearing the same shirt. Rest in peace, Swansea, by the way. I heard they closed down. Yeah, the Venus de Milo, a place where we used to do a thousand-seat venue once a year. They called it

Kill Tony East. It became an annual event. Then there was a global pandemic. Did you hear about this? No, no. There's a bug going around? How long have you lived here? I moved here in November. In November? Yes, indeed, yeah. Okay.

And what made you pick Austin specifically? The mics. There's shows and mics happening. There's like Zoom comedy up in New Hampshire and all that. Fuck that shit. Yeah, there's Zoom comedy everywhere. There's tons of shows going on in Austin, folks. Go out and check them out.

There's book shows. Why are you telling the people that are out checking out a comedy show that they should go check out comedy shows? I'm talking to the internet right now. Any folks that are watching from Austin, come out to the shows. Thank you, Daniel. Thank you for that plug. So tell us about you.

Yeah, just moved here from New Hampshire. I mean, like, I work just like a server job. Earlier this summer, I mean, that's I work just like a server job. Earlier this summer, I mean, that's like a while ago, I worked on some Christian films in West Virginia

as like a cameraman. What did you do in the Christian films? Just a cameraman, and yeah. You must have saw some shit, man. Like, tell us some gross. Oh, yeah.

Just a lot of disgusting people, you know, West Virginia. They were like fake good people. Like, they're good people in front of disgusting people, you know. West Virginia. They were like fake good people. Like they're good people in front of the camera and then the camera cuts off. Yeah, yeah. There was one in Grand Rapids, Michigan. There was a mission there that's like a homeless shelter.

All the people, all the executives at that homeless shelter are just making money off of that. They don't give a fuck about the people. And they were spending that money on an awful movie called Make Heaven Great Again. That's actually what the name of the movie was going to be. Wow. Make Heaven Great Again. Yeah. Fucking incredible. You were the cameraman for that.

Yes, indeed. Camera and boom and just doing whatever. I was a PA, really. I'd like to fancy myself a cameraman. What are you doing with The Wire right now? Are you still doing camera work over there? Oh, yeah. Okay. But I'd like to fancy myself a cameraman. What are you doing with the wire right now? Are you still doing camera work over there? Oh, yeah, you know, just gaffing. Whoa.

Just doing some quick gaffing here, Tony. All right. There he is. Wow. Look at this. That's a wire trick. Texas appreciates a good rope trick. This is such a lame

episode that this is like the highlight of the night. Like, hey, what happened last night on Kill Tony? There was one part where the guy sort of wiggled the wire a little bit. The Indiana Jones theme play. You gotta pay to come to the shows here in Austin. You'll see so much good wire tricks. Alright, Daniel. Tell us more about you.

How about your love life? What's that like? Oh, you know, it's... I'm not trying to have a girlfriend or anything like that. That's not something I'm super interested in. So, you know, a lot of... You don't like the pussy? What's going on there? Oh, I like...

What? You don't like the pussy? I like pussy. I mean... But the pussy. The pussy? Not a big fan of the pussy, actually. When But the pussy. The pussy? Not a big fan of the pussy, actually. When's the last time you had sex?

This morning. Wow, with who? How about me? One of the Christian boys that you make movies with? Yeah, I just unlocked the stable. By the way, that's not a gay porn you're hearing. Listen again. Listen again.

That is Tosca Guerrero. By the way, that's not a gay porn you're hearing. Listen again. Listen again. That is Tom Segura. Tom Segura after breaking his arm and leg at the same time. Our new favorite sound effect here on Kill Tone. So who'd you have sex with this morning? Oh, just a lady. I'll leave her out of this. No, come on.

It doesn't matter. You don't have to give away her name and her social security number. Where'd you meet the girl? I met her doing comedy here, actually. Oh, she's a local comedian? No, just a local person that was at one of the comedy shows. Hey, shut up over there. Tell the birthday table needs to quiet down.

It's Fox. All right. over there. The birthday table needs to quiet down. This fucks. Alright. So, random person, you met her and okay. Been fucking her ever since. You have any special maneuvers that you do in the bedroom? You ever, like what you're doing with the wire? You ever do any like...

No, no. Nothing really special. Is that how you pull out your dick you just hold the base of it like that and wiggle it around yeah yeah i do have a incredibly soft dick and many many many times all right if i've had any alcohol within like 48 hours i just i'm straight soft you said unless it's a man's ass. Jesus, Daniel, relax, relax. Sorry. I love the pussy, but I love the... Okay, Daniel. Alright, I'm sorry.

Where have you been a waiter at? You said you were a server. Yeah, I am a server at a senior living facility. I'm vaccinated. I'm allowed to be here. Are you really vaccinated? Yes, I am, yeah. Oh, that's cool. How was that? Did you feel any side effects from that? A little bit tired for a day,

but then I felt, I had like a new thought. I thought in my car, the guy who went into the Pizzagate building, he was probably just a shill for the CIA, and he wasn't even a real, he was just a crisis actor, so I'm pretty sure it doesn't fuck with your ability to think of retarded

conspiracy theories. If that's what everybody's worried about that watches What? I don't know what's going on. Are you talking about the microchip shit? Yeah, yeah. I was able to still freely think. Uh-huh.

What's the saddest you've ever been in your life? Hmm. Probably when I was in like third grade or so. And then ever since then. Was there something that happened specifically? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know, just gotten into a few too many scraps with my much older brother when I didn't want to.

And then what happened? And then I just didn't like living in my house because he was... Because he was what? He was your parents' favorite? No, not at all. He was just a real mean guy. Bipolar. And I didn't understand that as a young boy

What happened to him? What's he up to now? He's in the army Oh, perfect Next he'll be a police officer in Milwaukee I'm pretty sure That's where he's headed next Alright, Daniel

We had to really squeeze it out of you here tonight But I think we got there. New Hampshire, huh? Yes, indeed. What's your favorite part of New Hampshire? Just like the White Mountains are pretty great. The White Mountains? Yeah, yeah.

There's a bunch of hiking trails and stuff like that up there. There's snowmobile trails. Even the mountains? There's a whole lot of snowmobile. All right, there you go. I won't do that joke. Sorry, folks. What were you going to say? You're I won't do that joke. What were you going to say? You're going to set me up again?

What were you going to say? What are you going to do? You going to do it? No, it's absolutely retarded. What happened to your pants today? What happened there? Did you try to fit them through a mailbox or something? No, no.

I just left them in the dryer for a few too many days. Wet. They were still wet and then you left them in the dryer. They were dry, but then if you don't take them right out of the dryer, they wrinkle, folks. You can also learn how to dry clean on tonight's

episode of Kill Tony. That's what's exciting. My goodness. Daniel Butler. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Daniel. There goes Daniel. Thank you, Daniel. Very fun. Hey, is...

Right when things can't get any weirder, is Julian Madrid here tonight? There he is. Last week, on last week's show, to end this show, there was a young man who performed stand-up comedy, and I believe he's going to do a new 60 Seconds here for you tonight.

And then something very special is going to happen, because last week we found out that this man has never in his life spoken with his father. But that he has his father's phone number. And tonight, live on this show, he's going to speak with his father for the first time.

But first, he's going to do a brand new 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Julian Madrid. Guys, this is it. Your final comedian of the night. Make some noise for Julian Madrid. Yeah, hell yeah. Alright, so I keep getting tattoos to impress my grandpa.

Yeah, like I feel like I'm one of these soft millennials that keep getting these old school Sailor Jerry tattoos just to make up for the fact that i didn't go to war right like just to prove to my grandpa that i'm not a big pussy like the last tattoo i got i was like hey grandpa check it out it's a panther and he was like a panther huh so just a big pussy? I was like, yeah, you're not wrong.

He'll be dead soon. Anyways, it's fine. He's actually finally reached that age where he can't really take care of himself. And none of my family can really afford to take care of him either. So we put him in a home. Depot. Depot. Then we kind of just walked out.

Now he's somebody else's stinky little problem. Alright, thanks. I'm Julian. There he is, Julian Madrid. Back again. One week it's been. For those of you that weren't here last week or that are just listening to the show, I told him that he

looks like the guy that answers the door at a haunted house. Good evening. And I thought about it. 45 seconds into your set and it made me laugh. Here tonight. I'm glad something did, Tony. Thank you. Indeed. Absolutely. So, Daniel,

let's talk about it. First of all, I would say that the set here tonight went better. That's right, Julian. I'm sorry. That's all right. Here, Daniel was the last guy. Guess what my biological father's name is. This is weird.

Daniel? It's Daniel. Wow, look at that. Daniel was the last comedian that I pulled out of the bucket, but there we are. So now we're talking to Julian, whose dad's name is Daniel. Now, you said that we would do this this week. Are you mentally prepared for this, you think? It's been a terrible week.

Tell us about it. Prepping for this. I mean, anybody I've run the idea by is like, yeah, that's a shitty idea. You probably shouldn't. But we're going to go for it anyways. Do you think speaking with your father for the first time on a podcast in which everything went wrong the entire episode is a bad idea? Is that how you met your dad for the first time? Probably not.

But yeah, we're going to run with it either way. I'll tell you my sad story one day. I don't have enough time for it. But mine's pretty depressing too. Okay, that's fair. Mine's cool. Yeah. Red band and a normal life. There it is.

Playing virtual reality with his father. Learning how to fix cars and shit. Let's talk about it. Did you run this by your mom at all? Yeah, I did. That's the only person I could track down the number from. She was like, if you want to do it, go for it. I was like, I mean, that's the only person I could track down the number from. And she was like, yeah, all right.

Like, it's kind of like, like, if you want to do it, like, go for it. She's seen the show before. We actually went to the San Antonio show last year. So she, you know, she had plenty of chance to be like, oh, fucking don't do it. Right. But she tracked down his number and I have it. So let me ask you this before we do it, though. Yeah.

Explain to us why you think he hasn't been in your life the whole time. Let me ask you this. Before we do it, though, explain to us why you think he hasn't been in your life the whole time. Yeah, so, okay. My mom was like an underclassman at the high school they went to. He was like a senior and she had like a crush on him or something. Life goes on.

Their paths cross later when she's like 20 years old and they have a thing for a while and here we go, right? Uh-huh. And then he, apparently, he was engaged. Ah. To another woman.

Okay. Yeah. Hey, what is going on over there, sir? Jesus. Did you sign up tonight? You didn't get up. So shut the fuck up. Jesus Christ, man.

So lame. Haven't you ever listened to the show before? Don't you know how low we think of people like you? Lower than everyone. It's worse than the people that come up and don't talk into the mic, the people that don't prepare, the homeless guy that sleeps on my car.

It's the worst. It's the lowest level of human that there is. You make Dave Sarah look like Gandhi. That's what Gandhi does. Yes, the old American salute. Thanks. Anyway, your mother's not a whore. Thank you, Tony. Do you want to be my dad? She's a homewre Sorry. Your mother's not a whore.

Thank you, Tony. Do you want to be my dad? She's a homewrecker, but she's not a whore. You know what I mean? Two totally different things. Now, go ahead. So, have you thought about contacting

your father before? So, I had a great father figure growing up. My mom actually got married when I was like a year and a half

or so. Met my, who I called dad, right? And I didn't know he wasn't my dad until I was like a year and a half or so. Met my, who I called dad, right? And I didn't know he wasn't my dad until I was eight. Right.

And nothing fucks you up when you're eight like finding out you're not white. Ah. Yeah. Yeah, you found out you're what?

Mexicans, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's right. I actually, so. But you thought you had a white father. I thought I had a white dad, yeah, for sure.

And that, yeah. So that was tough. I had a white dad, yeah, for sure. So that was tough. Growing up, the only thing I ever knew about this guy was that he never met his biological father either, and all they knew about that guy was he's some Indian off of a reservation somewhere. Sure, he's an Indian. I don't believe any of these fucking people. Well, who knows.

Right. Okay, so what's something that you're interested to perhaps ask your father, I don't believe any of these fucking people. Well, who knows? Right. Okay. So what's something that you're interested to perhaps ask your father or talk with him about? Any family health history I should know about, maybe. That's smart. That's a smart answer. Yeah, right? That's really smart.

The big C. Have you ever thought about contacting me, your son? Do I want to ask him that once I'm on the phone with him? Hey, you ever think about calling me? Why or why not? No, but maybe we'll find out. We'll see. All right.

So here's how this is going to go. You're going to call him. Jesus Christ, this is so awkward. You're going to call him. Are you going to coach me through that? Yeah. You're going to put him. Jesus Christ, this is so awkward. You're going to call him. Are you going to coach me through that? Yeah. You're going to put him on speakerphone. Sure.

Right? You're going to put the butt end of the phone up to the mic, but you're also going to keep it close to your mouth. Okay. Turn up your volume full max. Full max. You got it. And then what are you going to do? Are you going to call him Daniel?

Are you going to say, hello, Daniel? I'm not going to call him dad, Tony. You're you going to call him Daniel? Are you going to say, hello, Daniel? I'm not going to call him Dad, Tony. You're not going to call him Dad? I don't think so. How many of you guys think he should just open up with, hi, Dad? Hi, Dad. Hey, and the most important thing, I know it's going to be funny. It's going to be crazy.

But you guys need to be so whisper quiet. Like, don't yell or cheer unless it's at the end. But you need to say that you're on a podcast right at the top of the episode. Yeah, of course. Okay. Yeah, of course. You just need to say, I just want to let you know I'm on a podcast right now. I've waited my whole life for this or anything.

Any way you want to put it. Yeah. Are you ready for this? Here it is, man. Are you excited about this? No. No, you're not? No, absolutely no.

I will find it in the moment. We'll figure it out from there. Do you regret making this deal with me? You know, the 60 seconds, the minute went better than the last one, so I'm glad for the redemption and the shot at that. I wanted a chance to plug my band name, Denim Haircut. Go to Spotify, iTunes. You deserve it.

You deserve it, Denim Haircut. Okay, cool. Hell yeah. And now I'm good. Pull up some Denim Haircut. Go to Spotify, iTunes. You deserve it. Okay, cool. Hell yeah. And now I'm good. Pull up some Denim Haircut. Yeah. Throw on some Denim Haircut. Where can we find that? iTunes, Apple Music, Spotify, YouTube Music, the whole jam. We just released our self-titled EP in December.

Check it out. Single to come in a month or so. Just recorded that this week. Denim what? Haircut. Oh, there it is. Denim haircut. Look at this. Yeah, baby. Wow, that's you and some guy that looks like a musician. It's a haircut. Wow. This is you right here, huh?

My goodness gracious. I wish I knew my dad. Not father of mine. Good song. Alright, here we go. Let's pause it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kill Tony History. This is the first time a man has ever met

his father on the show. This is a real... This is the only, currently the only podcast in the world being taped in front of a live audience. We are back here in Austin, Texas. Thought it'd be really funny if Red Band's phone just started ringing.

All right. Here we go. really funny if Red Band's phone just started ringing. All right. Here we go. Very funny. Here we go. The longest. Louder. Turn it up. Not a very dependable guy. That's not record wise.

Please leave your message. Pull it away. Pull it away. Pull it away. Pull it away. Because you don't want the number out there. Wow, that is such an incredibly neglectful father. I mean, how could he have known?

All right. Fucking A. This guy's got powerful instincts. There it is. Yeah, you should have put an unlisted number, maybe. You blocked your number. Oh, yeah, he might have known that was me. Wait, could he have had your number?

You think that's possible, that he has your number saved in his phone? I didn't send it to him. You think you're nervous. Imagine how he's shitting his pants right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, man, I mean... He probably has a special phone ringer for you, right? What do you think?

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. You really stepped on it. No, it would have been the haunted organ from... Hey, man. That was last week. I think next time you're on, we got to try it again. We got to keep on trying this. Next time, we'll block the number.

Okay. You know what? How about this? Okay. Since you did better this week than you did last week, why don't you, and maybe I'm completely wrong on this,

but I just don't see the story ending here. Don't try to contact your father again. And if that number calls you back, don't answer it. What does your voicemail sound like? Hey, it's me. It's me, Julian. If you're my dad finally reaching out to me,

I'll call you right back. It's my phone number, Tony. He won't know. Perfect. So how about this? You come back next week. I'll give you another 60 seconds. We'll see if you can do even better than you did next week. I'll give you another 60 seconds. We'll see if you can do even better than you did this week.

At the end of that, we're going to try to introduce you to your father for the first time ever. I don't know. It seems like it doesn't end here. It's like it can't end here. Unless you don't want to, and then we won't do it. Hey, that's fine.

Anything to fucking be here doing this again. Better this week than you did last week. Congratulations to you, Julian. Hell yeah. Thanks, Tony. He's on social media at Denim Haircut. We gave it a try. He's got a face only a mother could love, so it makes sense that his dad's not around. Oh, that's overboard. He's laughing.

Tight little audience tonight. Ship these guys in from fucking Buffalo or something. Did you guys have fun tonight? We did it. It's a real live show. We're all out. We're having fun. Who has more fun on a Monday than us?

It's just Monday. Everybody had fun except for the Italian boyfriend who just hated my guts from the beginning. He didn't? He didn't hate me? He didn't hate me. Oh. Why was he so upset?

He was pissed off. He just hated my energy. Oh, he's Turkish. He had Turkish energy. I called him Persian, and that's like the N-word to those people, right? Oh my god. That's so fucked up.

He literally wanted to kill me. Tony, get the bucket one more time. Bucket one more time? Bucket one more time? Jesus. You guys really think we should do one more? You guys are fucking animals.

You know that? We shouldn't. We've gone too long. We've gone too long, and it never works out when we do that shit. It never works out. We had a good ending, you know. You guys sure? One more?

People in the back, you want one more? All right, we got to do one more. It's your fault. If it goes bad, it's on you. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night. Wait a second. It says Julian's father, Daniel. No, I'm kidding.

Just kidding, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, his name is Nathaniel Bagley. Wait, did we have a woman on tonight? We didn't, right? He has long hair. All right, this will work. Sorry sorry ladies here's nathaniel bagley everybody uh during this uh whole pandemic i've been trying to stay positive uh trying to find the silver lining in everything uh one of the silver linings i found so far is uh you can show

up anywhere in public with uh mysterious stains all over yourself and no one gives a shit. I show up and someone's like, ah, it's that pandemic fit, isn't it? And I'm like, I'm just a piece of shit, but I'll take it. I see girls on social media even posting like, I just woke up like that's that pandemic look. If I posted a picture of myself with a pandemic look when I just wake up, it's going to be me naked on a futon with my stomach covered in dorito crumbs and fucking dried up to come that i was just too high to fucking take care of and i don't think anyone wants to see that just recently i just posted a picture of my face on social media and some some chick said uh this gives me viking vibes and i thought about that for a second and uh

Some chick said, this gives me Viking vibes. And I thought about that for a second. And Vikings just raped and pillaged people. And I can tell you this right now, I'm not a thief. All right. Nathaniel Bagley. See, this is your guys' fault. Yeah, I knew this was going to fucking happen. Is this your first time doing stand-up?

This is my first time ever, yeah. First time, everybody. There it is. Decided to go balls deep. How old are you, Nathaniel? I'm 21. 21? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Unlike so many of the people up here, you look so much older than your age. I don't get ID'd anywhere. What? I don't get ID'd anywhere. Incredible. Yeah, I just show up. I thought I was going to have that moment

where I could be like, hey, I'm 21. I can buy beer now. And they're just like... Why do you think you look so old? Because, uh... I think it's also his voice. It's very older than normal. Have you noticed that? Really? I don't know. I think he looks like how he sounds. He looks like the lead singer of the Crash Test

Dummies. Deep voice guy. You look like you should have a deep voice. Why do you think you look so old? Do you have a rough childhood? I didn't have to jerk off a 13-year-old, thankfully. He does have a weird voice.

It's like Kermit the Frog that smokes cigarettes. Kermit the Frog that smokes cigarettes. Kermit the Frog with a disappointed family. Are you from Seattle? Portland? I'm from Eastern Washington. Come on, people. My roommate makes fun of me

all the time because you can tell when I say egg. No, it wasn't actually what you sounded like at all. It's actually what you looked like. I've noticed that people from Washington and Oregon age at an abnormal rate. It's my own personal scientific study.

It's the depression. It's the depression of being in the Pacific Northwest. What brought you to Texas? How'd you end up here? Just more opportunity. For what? I actually want to delve more into stand-up comedy. What else do you do?

Any other arts or anything like that? I draw a bit, and I do freelance voice acting. Ooh, really? Voice acting? Like what? What have you done? I've just been setting that up. I guess I haven't really done shit.

I haven't really done shit. I haven't really done shit. I don't know. It takes a while before it kicks in. Can you do that voice? Alright, it doesn't matter. Nathaniel, what's the biggest crime you ever committed? Oh. The biggest crime you ever committed? Oh. Biggest crime I've committed?

Yep. I think speeding's the only thing. Oh, well. What's that one? Oh, I mean, like the copious amounts of drugs, I guess, but that's kind of boring. Yeah, it is kind of boring. Yeah, it's as boring as shit.

What's something interesting about you that we would find shocking? I was raised Mormon. Really? Yeah. In eastern Washington. What are we talking about, like Euphrata? It must be really east. Like the Tri-Cities.

Oh, the Tri-Cities. They're just known for wine and shit. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. How about your parents? What do they do? Eastern Washington's a crazy place.

One works at a convenience store. School district. Oh, okay. Yeah. Both work for the school district? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Bus drivers?

My dad's a substitute. My mom's a librarian. Wow. Jeez Louise. My dad's a substitute My mom's a librarian Wow Geez Louise I wouldn't have guessed that you came from school system parents I dropped out When did you drop out? When I was 16

Okay Did I ask you what you do now? I worked at Whole Foods for a bit I'm looking for more work now You worked at Whole Foods for a bit. I'm looking for more work now. You worked at Whole Foods? Yeah. What happened? Well, you know, New Year's.

New Year's, I was like 20 beers in, and this guy was like, well, I got some Zans and Hydros, and I was like, let's snort that shit. So I did that, and then I didn't wake up for the next over 24 hours. Wow. Yeah, I know. Okay,. My roommate was there with me too

and he's like, yeah, you stopped breathing for a little bit but I shook you a bit and you were back to normal. Holy shit, man. Starting off the New Year's right. My God. The worst part about dying while working at Whole Foods is

you have to bring your own body bag. An organic body bag. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just trying. Trying anything up here, people. Very rarely do you get to do an organic grocery store body bag joke. It's their fault.

You don't have to apologize. Anything else crazy about you that we'd be surprised? I feel like there's more. Like, I had to dig that story out of you. Like, that was New Year's. You almost fucking died. You're divorced? Yeah.

How long were you married for? Like a year and a half or something. Okay. Uh-huh. And how long ago was that? You're 21 years old. Yeah. Let's see.

That ended, like, mid-last year. So I was like, ah, fucking, I moved here. How old were you when you got married? 19. 19. Wow. How old was the girl that you married? 20.

Okay. My goodness. Why did that end? She was bipolar. Is she in the army now? She probably would kill someone. Right. Fun sex though, huh?

Bipolar people? Yeah, I mean, it alternates. It's like kinky to like, then you're fucking like a Mormon all of a sudden. Like, you're just doing missionary position, then all of a sudden she wants you to pull her hair and slam her into the wall. Right.

Did she ask for that? Good question. John D's on the keys. Did she ask you to do that? No, not slam her into the wall. It just felt right. Yeah, it just felt right. But you did it anyway. Alright, Nathaniel.

Huh. You have a giant ball sack? It says here in the notes underneath your name that you have a ball sack too big for your body. I mean, the other day, scooted up in the notes underneath your name that you have a ball sack too big for your body. Is this true? Oh, yeah. It gets like... I mean, the other day, I scooted up in the seat

and just pinched them both. It was a mess. It was a mess. There you go. How about that? Nailed it again. Kermit the Hog, ladies and gentlemen. Nathaniel Bagley.

His first time ever doing stand-up. You guys wanted it. Calling in from Los Angeles, California via video is Ryan J. Ebelt with tonight's big drawing. Here it is. All these prints are available at ryanjebelt.com. Every single print of every single episode. And the new coloring book.

There's a new Kill Tony coloring book. And they are indeed selling fast. I got word today that they are absolutely flying. The new Kill Tony coloring book. We're going to be live in Phoenix, Arizona, February 4th and 5th. Our first Kill Tony's on the road. Yes. In forever. Yes. Since

February, since Vancouver. February of the year 2020. That is February 5th and 6th at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. I'm also headlining stand-up shows there. Maybe a

little bit of a taste of the old band, perhaps, those episodes. Here's a drawing from Ryan J. You want to flip that around and show it to the audience? Look how cool that is, everybody. I guess you guys can't really see the whole

time from the start of the episode to the end. Did you guys have fun here tonight? How about a big hand for John Dees on the Keys? He's on social media, John Keys, J-O-N-K-E-Y-Z. He's performing this Thursday

on a live stream at Monk's Jazz, M-O-N-K-S-J-A-Z-Z. The new Mexican drummer, Michael Gonzalez, everybody, huh? Mike A. Gons, 13. Great guy. Great food

recommendations. Guys, how about a big hand on the bass, D-Madness, huh? Huh? He told me, he whispered in my ear a minute ago, the best-looking audience he's ever seen, you guys are. He's playing this Thursday at Sam's Town Point. Follow him on social media at LorenzoDwayneJackson.

And guys, on guitar, how about a big hand? First time joining the band, Matt Muehling, everybody, huh? He's on social media at Mutation, M-U-E-H-T-A-T-I-O-N. A lot of fun stuff up our sleeves, including guests starting next week!

The return of guests on Kill Tony, a three-person table. Joining me in Red Band. Hopefully. I want to thank our sponsor, our new sponsor, Liquid IV. And if you guys live in Austin, I have these new secret shows at Vulture. They sold out last week. Vulcan. Sorry, Vulcan.

Last week we sold out, though. This week it's me and Tony, Dustin Ybarra, and a bunch of people. So check it out. Yeah, we're doing stand-up comedy this weekend there. And also, how about a big hand for Antones and everybody here at Antones? An amazing staff. Mallory, Josh, all the cool servers here. Everybody's awesome.

And yeah, life is good, people. I thank you so much for coming out. You know, when you pull names out of a bucket, shit can get pretty crazy on a show. Some of these episodes are a little bit wild, but they're always live, and they wouldn't be live without you guys. So thank you so much for coming out. I think we're

having more fun than everybody else in the country on a Monday. So, rock and roll. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you so much. Good night. Thank you. I'm not a good singer. Thank you.