KILL TONY - KILL TONY #49

Episode Date: May 23, 2014

Jesse Joyce, Sandy Danto, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Madonia, Brian Redban – Date: 05/05/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. So, this episode had a lot of video problems, and I had to throw away a couple memory cards and buy new memory cards, and that all costs money. So if you want to help us out, go to DeathSquad.TV, click on Studio Auction. We have a bunch of stuff on eBay, rare stuff that's never been on for sale, or old t-shirts. Anyways, all the proceeds go to helping me buy things like more memory cards, We'll see you next time. you can get the new Death Squad kitty cat t-shirt that's almost sold out completely. So help us out. Also, a way you can help us out is go see us live. We have a bunch of shows coming up in San Diego in July.

We're going to be at Comic-Con 2014. Kill Tony's going to be there, so if you're an open-miker or just a fan, July 23rd, we're going to be at the American Comedy Co. And then followed by Kill Tony, we're doing a Thunder Pussy show. And then the next day, July 24th, we are having a super show, a bunch of comics. We're all going to just do stand-up comedy for you guys. Anyways, all the ticket links are available at DeathSquad.TV or AmericanComedyCo.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Fuck yeah, everybody. Is it Cinco de Mayo or what? Is it? Yes. Hi, everybody. How you guys doing? It's a live audience here, in a way, like one could say. Yes, they can say.

Hi, guys. Very shy crowd. I love this. Yeah. We have a special camera going on, which I'm excited about. This is the Red Band Cam. This is the Cinco de Mayo I Forgot the Real Camera at Home camera. This is what it's like to see what Brian sees when he's on Kill Tony, everybody.

Hi. So that'll be fun. Yeah. What's happening? It's Cinco de Mayo. You're so close to my face with that thing. It's obnoxious. Why don't we have the Australian Death Squad fan hold it?

We can film it this way. I can just look over here. That's obnoxious. All right. Hi, Tony. Hi, everybody. Guys, this is very exciting. Cinco de Mayo.

Kill Tony. Shit's crazy, everybody. Am I right, people? There is nobody here. This is so exciting. You got a new dragon for the thing here. Yeah, a little Cinco de Mayo dragon has been added to the mix. A piñata, everybody.

That is a real-life piñata. Where did you get that? Do you just look for things? When you're out, do you always constantly shop? Always. Always. A pinata, everybody. That is a real-life pinata. Where did you get that? Did you just look for things? When you're out, do you always constantly shop? Always, always. My mind is always, how can I make this production any better? By dragons.

This is the worst idea I've ever seen us have, by the way, for you to have that camera this close to me. Yeah, it really sucks. Maybe I could put it right here or something. Yeah, anything other than you holding a phone next to my head. Oh, that looks pretty good. I think that might be good. It's not bad. I got a beer from the audience member.

It looks like Steven Brody Stevens Jr. is here. You know it's an awesome show when you go, I got a beer from the audience member. We're really making history here tonight. I mean, this is awesome. And it seems like for Cinco de Mayo, he gave me Mexican roofies, so thank you very much. Fuck yeah.

You ever get worried about that? I know a lot of comics won't take drinks from audience members. I wonder if there's ever been an audience member that's like, you know what, I'm going to fuck this show up. I bet there has. I bet there's been people that are like, I want to get my favorite comedian fucked up.

Show him a good time in the city. I'm sure that that's happened. Lil' Molly? Yeah, something. That would be so crazy. You start doing a show and then out of nowhere. That's what I thought happened in Dallas. I thought somebody that night, because I was fucked up for no reason.

It made no sense. I thought somebody was like, yeah, we're going to show them how fucking Dallas does it. Just like sprinkled something in. You guys ever get roofied? Is this a big roofie crowd? I actually took roofies once on purpose. This girl

came over and I guess the kids are now they take a roofie pill and they put it in water in one of those five hour energy drinks. They call it, do you want a lid? I'm like, I don't know what a lid is. She's like, takes out those five hour energy drinks. She's like, alright, take two of these, but don't drink on

them. It tastes like salt water, like saline solution. It does? Yeah, and it just didn't make me feel really good. Speaking of roofies, segue. Oh. Ready for this? Yeah.

Vegas. That's right. Next Friday. Is that when it is? Yep. The 16th. May 16th, everybody. We're in Vegas.

Yeah. Who's going to Vegas with us? Me, you, Sarah Tiana. Ooh. And there might be a surprise guest or two, or if any of our friends here that just want to drive to Vegas for the night and get fucked with us. Friday night 516 so if anybody's around Vegas

be there for that. What else is going on? Not much man. We had a podcast today with the great Ian Edwards and it's interesting Ian was having a lot of problems with Chase Bank and I don't know if you guys have been following the news or not. But Chase...

Chase? Chase? Chase? Okay. The whole thing's gone. There we go. And then it just... Then it just shuts off again.

Okey-dokey. Wow. Chase Bank pretty much decided to get into the electronics business and buy our... No, but Chase Bank is shutting down people's... Audio on their podcast? Yeah. Because it seems like as soon as Chase was mentioned, shit just went really bad.

Was that you, Josh? What just happened? I think the board in the back is going out. It's just so... Just the most important part of a comedy club. Right. Especially the one live podcast that happens from the place. Probably best that the audio gives out then.

Anyway, fuck it. Let's just get this show on the road, shall we? Let's just kill ourselves. Let's do it. Guys, as you know, for those of you that come quite often and listen to the show, we always have a head of security to keep us us safe during uh our adventure every monday just in case shit gets crazy and this week's no different this is a first time patriot jesus fucking christ what are you retarded i mean you say i just watched you half sit that down in front of us i literally want and it's fucking tequila and it reeks

jesus christ oh my god my entire ass is soaking wet josh we're doing an audio but there's fucking equipment and the two guys that are that have to sit here though you just poured tequila on us. What is wrong with you? Like it's unbelievable. I could understand like if it hit something and I just watched you. You basically just poured. Oh my god. This is a fucking amazing night. This is great.

I love it. Josh, you are just unbelievably terrible at life. Put your hands together for Josh Martin, everybody. Guys. Fuck my life right now. Okay. Show business. Show business, right? Is that what this is?

Guys, your head is security tonight. One of my good friends. Put your hands together for Dan Madonia, the Iron Madonia, everybody. Here he is. Definitely one of the coolest, smoothest Patriots we've ever had. Dan, how's it going, buddy? Going good. I like to be referred to as the Iron Patriot.

Oh, very good. Our stoner Patriot. Oh, very good. Our stoner patriot. I agree with that. You will now from here on out be the Iron Patriot. My ass is soaking wet right now, Dan. Somehow that tequila went right through everything. Fucking unbelievable. Josh.

There's no chance you got that, did you? I think I did. I think I got it perfect. Oh, my God. That's going to be fucking history if you got that. Because he totally didn't sit it down. Like, no part of this glass's base actually touched the fucking. It was like he sat it down just like that.

Just, here's your drink. Hopefully you are absorbing your drinks through your jeans tonight. I think I tried to catch it also, but it was just... It's hard to do three things at once. Yeah. I'm sorry. I should have been able to protect you. And for Josh, it's hard to do one thing at once.

Simple table things. Next week, we'll have you practice sitting drinks on a table with no pressure whatsoever. Fuck yeah, guys. We should have a part of this podcast where Josh has to do simple challenges. Yeah, like what would we... Like a Diet Coke and an iced tea. Two drinks. Walk with an egg on a spoon type of thing.

Josh, have you ever been a waiter before? No. No? No. Never been a waiter. Are you clumsy at all? Yes. You used to manage a McDonald's, though, correct?

Yes. Which is also our sponsor, by the way, guys. I always forget to mention. We love McDonald's. We love what they do for us. Only at McDonald's, I'm loving it. Anyway, Josh, when you worked there, were you clumsy then? Did you ever drop things?

Did you ever pour sodas on people when they were starting their podcast in front of a live audience? No, but I am clumsy, and that's why I decided not to be a doctor. I feel like being a doctor would not be good for me. Performing surgery and being clumsy would not fit. That's definitely correct. Probably another good

reason that you wouldn't be a doctor is that you can't say the word doctor. There you go. Josh Martin, everybody. He's on Twitter at Josh Martin Comic. Josh Martin, everybody. He's on Twitter at Josh Martin Comic, right? Josh Martin Comic. So be sure to tweet at him that you loved him pouring drinks on us. Brilliant, brilliant move, man.

That's just fucking great. You're on your way to the middle. So, Dan, what else is going on? Everything good? You ready to get this thing kick-started? Yeah, I'm ready to rock and roll. Guys, oh my fucking God. There's been a tequila shot, everybody.

You know what? It's still recording on the podcast also, so on this end, it's 100% okay, but on this end, the audience doesn't get to hear the amplified versions of our voices right now. So fuck you guys. Yeah. This is the fucking worst everything of my everything.

This is just, yes. The other night this happened and... Random audience member talking right now. This is what happens when the audio goes out. You stand up and jump and boom. And turn back on. Oh, so it's just a loose connection in the power.

Oh my god. It was just the idea of everybody jumping. Yeah. Thank you for the positive energy. Well, it's back out again. Send those stars to the broads again, dude. Is there a power

outlet maybe that the plugs just... I am so close to canceling this show. I cannot believe I invited the great Jesse Joyce to this, and this is the shit fest that's happening right now. This is just embarrassing. Now, for Sandy Danto, he's probably used to the whole thing. Dandy Danto, he's probably used to the whole thing. I don't want to make things any worse, but the batteries in my hand lights are going out.

Suck, suck, suck. What is going on tonight? You mean to tell me... It's almost worse that the podcast machine is still working. Because it's making me feel like it's worth going through 5% of an effort. Well, if you think about the numbers, this is not even.0001 of the listeners. So we should not even just ignore these people. You're right.

You're right. You're right. And how weird is it that I'm filming you with on this iPhone of all the episodes? It's going to make everything seem way more ghetto. This is episode 49 of Kill Tony. All 48 previous episodes have been filmed with an actual camera that stands on that tripod right there. Every episode, the audio has been fine, functional throughout.

And every other episode, I have not had a wet ass. But meanwhile, we are... I've had a wet ass all episodes. It's mostly stuff just coming out, but I can suck it back in here and there when I stand up. Fuck, yes. Am I really?

So this mic's plugged into that? Yeah, so, yeah. And these two mics are, and those two mics are? Everything's normal except the big speaker system. You're positive that that's picking up? Oh my God, it is. I can see the fucking bars.

It's just a nightmare. The podcaster. What was it that you moved? You moved something back there. I saw it right when you moved something. Josh's method is probably just to pour a glass of water on it. One of the outlets went bad back there. All right. I wish I had an outlet right now,

but it looks like we're stuck here for the next hour. We can use Madonia's ass if we really need an outlet for our anger. Look at that iron ass. Jesus, it's got a lot of stuff in his pockets. Either that or he's shitting books right now. Guys, I'm so excited to bring up tonight's guests, everybody. One of them I used to live with, I've done stand-up with for the last seven years.

And the other one I've been working with for years. We were writers together on The Burn and the Comedy Central roast of James Franco. Put your hands together for my two pals, Sandy Danto and Jesse Joyce, everybody. They are here. They are here in the flesh. Jesse Joyce. Sandy Danto. Welcome, guys. Thank you so much for being here

on the worst night of my life. You're welcome. I was hoping to sit in some tequila. If that was a possibility. There we go. Nice. Could you imagine Josh as a doctor giving somebody their...

Telling somebody that they have a disease like you have a theoporosis. I have what? You have a theoporosis. When he was in the back working on the grill at McDonald's, did they call it flipping ass burgers? It's exciting to be up here in this fucking electrical tinderbox.

I'm sure nothing's going to go wrong in this 120-year-old room. Exactly. It's a fucking ticking time bomb, but it makes it all that much more exciting. Can I suck the tequila out of your pants or something? Because my drink's not there anymore. I think he went to go get you another one. You know he forgot all about that.

Oh, I can't believe he fucking did that. You do reek of booze, by the way. I know. It's unbelievable. At least there's no police stops tonight for drinking because it's just a normal Monday. Yeah. But it is Cinco...

Oh, son of a bitch. Oh, my God. Now you've got to make Josh trade pants with you. Your fucking pants are going to blow at.24. Not the first time. Oh, you son of a bitch. Patriot, do you have any questions for tonight's guests? Jesse, you've written for The Roasts and everything.

You've written for a lot of famous people. Who is your favorite person to write for and why? Seth MacFarlane for the Oscars. Am I supposed to legitimately answer you? You're a grown man in a Halloween costume am I supposed to act like this is a legitimate conversation writing for Seth for the Oscars was cool

I write for Matt Lauer and that's a fun challenge because he's actually kind of a ballsy dude when he's not on the fucking Today Show or whatever he does, is it Good Morning America? I don't even know, but the point is he has really ballsy stories that I then have to

cobble together into something that's doable for friendly Matt Lauer on TV. So there's that. Cool. How about for Sandy? Sandy, you go on the road a lot. What's your favorite Pauly Shore memory?

Sandy opens for Pauly all around the country. I'm glad I didn't get that question. I'm glad I worked out the way to it. I would have had to have gone with Biodome.

I don't fucking know that guy. Favorite or most tolerable? There's so many. I think probably the first time I was on the road with him, he made me go bungee jumping. And once he found out I was afraid of heights, he's like, dude, I'll give you $100 if you do it. And then...

No way he gave you that $100. No chance, no. I was like, after it was all said and done, I was like, how about that $100? He's like, dude, but what was that memory? It was priceless. Are you fucking serious? Yeah.

Wow. And then that night, at the merch table, there was somebody that came up to him, and I was like, the hyperventilating, like, Pauly Shore, oh my god, Encino Manventilating like Pauly Shore. Oh my god. Encino Man is the best movie I've ever seen. And then later that night he was like dude that audience was crazy.

I was like yeah I know. One guy said Encino Man's the best movie he's ever seen. Not his favorite movie. The best movie he's ever seen. He's like what do you mean? Oh yeah. He didn't know why you were laughing. I was like hasn't he seen Son-in-Law? Then that guy spilled the tequila in your lap and then tripped over a cord and cut out the sound system.

Fuck yeah, guys. Well, you guys know what goes on here. Comedians come up and they sign up on a sheet that's outside two hours ago. And they sign up on a sheet that's outside two hours ago. And for the chance to get pulled out of the bucket and get a minute of stage time here in front of the many, many podcast listeners and the very few audience members. They work out their minute and then we talk to them afterwards. Maybe we have an idea for their joke. Maybe we just want to talk to them.

Maybe we want to know more about them. You know that your minute is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aww, adorable. Now, first lesson of show business is to not run that light. So, end your set there, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Hey, T! Okie dokey.

That's it. Obviously, they buried a cell phone at the end of it tonight. You're absolutely right. This couldn't have been done without speakers. There's no way you could have done your show. There's too many fantastic sound effects. Yeah. Watch out.

Oh, shit. Josh probably set up your chair for you. Sorry about that. So let's get this party started. Are you guys ready for episode 49 of Kill Tony? Oh, boy. There's proof that there's a real audience here. There's your proof. Guys, your first comedian tonight.

Oh, yeah, when they do the minute, we don't interrupt their minute. That's the only thing. Gotcha. Guys, your first comedian tonight. Very crazy guy, always interesting to hear what he's going to talk about. His name is GT.

Made a Beach Boys song on the jukebox. It was California dreamin'. So we started screamin' on the jukebox. GT, guys, and you know what that means. That means he just got blacklisted.

It looked like that sound came out of a coloscopy bag under your costume. GT will be banned from the show after not appearing. That's what happens if they miss their spot. Well, it should be suspicious. There are far more pieces of paper than there are people in this fucking room.

You're next. Oh, here we go. This sounds like somebody that would actually be here. Put your hands together for Julia Farrell. Here she comes. Julia. Hi. Hi.

So, I'm kind of scared of feminists but I feel like if Osama Bin Laden had been a woman most feminists would have kind of been like good for her I mean terrible for America but like huge for gender equality

like that's hard for women in that business it's weird to think though that Osama bin Laden used to be a baby. Like, I bet he was the cutest little nugget. Like, big brown eyes and curly black hair. And he just, like, did little kid things. Like, probably just, like, knocked over his brother's blocks that were ironically shaped like a tower. And his parents, like, had to make him eat his vegetables creatively.

Like, here comes the airplane. And they had no idea what they were creating. Or I mean, maybe they did. I don't know how terrorist families work. But you know he was good at hide and seek. All his friends were like, dude, you really should make a career out of this.

Fuck yeah. Julia Farrell, Nailing a minute. That's a fun little premise. Is it? Is it fun? Yeah. It is. Fuck yeah.

What else would terrorist babies do? I felt like there was something that I couldn't quite put my... Blow their pants up? I don't know. I feel like she created

a much more loving home environment than he likely grew up in. That's an American point of view of what actually... There was like a high chair and a bib involved. Yeah.

Vegetables. Yeah, right. Yeah, vegetables. I don't think... Raw lamb every night. Does anyone know that? Does anyone know what his house was like?

I think he was... Well, it's funny you ask. Is it a terrorist house? I'm going to turn this over to the bearded guy. He was slightly brownish. Osama was the first of 17 children. He had to raise his brothers alone because his parents were blown up in a plane.

I actually do know how many siblings it was. And he was just trying to avenge their deaths. He has, I think there's like 56 of them, kids. And he's like 17. They're super rich, right? They're from a huge royal family, right? Yeah, his dad owns like a... They're like the bushes of the Middle East.

He was very spoiled. This is called speculating about modern history. It's a lot of fun to listen to you guys just fuck around in spite of the fact that you really are unqualified to talk about it. You were a history major, right? No, I wasn't. I just know a lot about it.

Right. I know that. It's really pre-10 years ago is where history picks up. So I'm not entirely qualified to talk about the fucking Bin Laden family, but you know. Fuck yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up, Julia?

Two years, but I could count how many open mics I've done. So it's been... It's liberal to say two years. I gotcha. What the fuck have you been doing in the last two years

thinking about doing stand up comedy oh okay alright and being a nanny oh alright that's kind of how those oh so that's so you're very familiar

with the peas airplane bit right okay that's where that comes from alright huh maybe maybe baby Osama like refused

to be put in a crib. Something like that. Let's go back to speculating about history. So let me ask you this, because you say that you've done enough open mics to count on one hand, you said? No, no, no.

If I thought really hard, I could probably think of every single one I've done. Right. Probably like 30. Right. Probably, like, 30. Gotcha. So why do you not do it all the way? Because I'm lazy slash scared. So are comedians.

Yeah. You seem pretty comfortable on stage, though. Yeah. Yeah. But the things I think are funny are, like, really kind of, like like scary to see on the stage like this it's like is this 9-11 like are they gonna be mad what's your other material like abortions rape um I've been wanting to do this for a long time like I was talking about how his

mascot in high school and it was like oh there's one thing that I really want to talk about, but it really pisses people off. So I didn't grow up in the Nirvana era. And I don't think Nickelback and Nirvana sound all that different. I mean, I get that, like, I don't know. Please don't ever say that. Ever, ever, ever, ever. I know. But the thing is.

Just leave. It's a very fast way to turn a lot of people against ever. I know. But the thing is... Just leave. It's a very fast way to turn a lot of people against you. I know, but the thing is not enough for you to hate, despise one and adore the other.

They're in the same genre. I love how this entire fucking crowd listened to the planes crashing into the World Trade Center but they're like, all right, I like

where you're going with this and then she's like, Nirvana and Nickelback sound the same, and everybody's like, what the fuck is the matter with you? That's the most offensive thing I could ever say. Dude, that's how I feel about the Beatles and Oasis. Oh, Pauly,

you really don't know a lot about music, Pauly. What? Dude, I was what? I was an MTV VJ. That's true. What year was that? And I got a lot of MTV VJ. Oh, I see what you did there.

I get the feeling, by the way, that that's actually something that he said. Have you heard him say that? No, I've never heard him say that, but probably. Man, that Pauly just gets better and better. It's actually better than Pauly's Pauly. I'd rather listen to you do that than have a conversation with him fuck yeah Julia well

what else is going on how's the nannying you make a living out of nannying in Los Angeles yeah I have they pay a lot of money if you ever want to do more open mics and need somebody to fill in for you I'm available for nannying for nannying

free you up to do some more open mics and need somebody to fill in for you, I'm available. For nannying. I'll let them know. Free you up to do some more open mics. Okay, cool. I'll give them your number. Do you want to be a nanny for real? Yeah. Do you like it? Do you like kids? They call it a manny.

If you're a guy, you're a manny. That's a Mexican. Or a patinkin. It's one or the other. You know your time's running out, Sandy. Have you thought about freezing your sperm or anything like that? I'm not a woman. My time's not running.

I don't have a biological clock. Yeah, you do. Donald Sterling has like an 18-year-old kid. Yeah, but he... That guy's like 80-something years old. It's a ballsy move to find some sort of fucking comparison between you and Donald Sterling

considering what's gone down in the last week. I like to think of myself a lot like Donald Sterling. As long as we're humanizing people that are evil in the media. I think Idi Amin said it best. Speaking of, you should do... Maybe what was he like as a baby? Idi Amin said it best. Speaking of, you should do, maybe, what was he like as a baby? Idi Amin?

Forget it. Dude, I used to smoke a lot of Paul Potts. Right? The crazy thing about Sterling is that I think that V Stiviano chick could do a better job working the audio soundboard here than Josh Martin. She did a hell of a job with that recording. Yeah.

Crystal clear. Never gave out once the whole time. Never any drink spilling or anything like that. He's so comfortable around that fucking shaky outlet. I'm really shocked. You realize that's going to catch on fire. You're just fucking chilling there. I'm impressed.

The only electricity in this room is he's standing right next to it. Guys, Julia Farrell, thank you so much. Thank you. She's on Twitter at Julia Farrell, F-A-R-E-L-L. You guys can tweet at her. Tell her to do more stand-up. Stop being a lazy nanny. Thanks, Julia.

Fuck yeah. Very mobile patriot fixing theanny. Thanks, Julia. Fuck yeah. Very mobile patriot, fixing the mic. I love that. Pew, pew, pew. Let me ask you guys a question that I like to ask my guests. When you first started stand up, did you have something that you can't believe, like a joke that you can't believe

that you talked about, that you can't believe that you ever did, you can't believe that you ever did like you're sort of embarrassed of I never did this, I never actually did it but I had this thought that I was like you know because like when you start out you sort of plan to bomb, you know what I mean

so you're thinking ahead like this is probably not going to go well I had this thought that what I should do is have a water balloon in my pocket and then I would burst it so it would look like I pissed my pants. That's so awesome. I never did it, but it was like a thing that I, like, I actually literally wrote that down in a notebook somewhere in 1998. Right.

Like, oh, I should probably fucking, I should fake piss my pants sometime. But the night is young, and there are lots of fucking, there's lots of tequila to be thrown around in my pants. Yeah. Yeah. That's so fucking funny, because you're so definitely my pants. Yeah, that's so fucking funny. Because you're so definitely not that kind of guy. Well, I was 17 and I used to wear a tie.

I don't know what the fuck I was doing. How about you, Sandy? Pretty much everything I did. Anything specifically stand out at you? The tuxedo t-shirts that I used to wear. Oh, you did do that, didn't you? Oh my god. I read the tipping point.

I was like, I'm branding this bitch. Sandy's big dream was to have a big sold-out show on the road and all of them wearing tuxedo t-shirts. Did you give them all to Sam Tripoli? I did give them all to Goodwill, so perhaps. That's basically two degrees of separation between you and Tripoli? I did give them all the goodwill, so perhaps. Yeah, that's basically two degrees of separation between you and Tripoli.

All right, guys, let's keep this fun train moving along. Your next comedian tonight will go by the name of Rebecca Vinagro. I get your t-shirt, I get your t-shirt. I know what you say, you wear my purse, so you can find it. Hello, happy Cinco de Mayo. So I realized recently that I'm my own worst enemy and probably capable of more torture than Osama Bin Laden. I'm definitely a triple threat.

I know the exact excuse that will fly for me to indulge my bad habits. I know what brand of whiskey I like. I buy it and I drink it. I know where I am at all times, so there's no need for a sneak attack. Well, so I sort of know where I am at all times. Well, so I sort of know where I am at all times. And also, I know almost everything that I've done, and I will draw up the past for no good reason.

Purposeless torture. Yeah, that's about it. There you go, 53 seconds of another Bin Laden thing. What's Bin Laden? Did you plan to do a Bin Laden reference, or were you calling back to the first girl's Bin Laden thing? I was kind of just picking two things that I had marginally thought about for writing. So that was a coincidence?

Yeah. All right. Either that or this is some kind of like the terrorists are now. It was either that or like between a boring party and how like have you ever been to a party that's so boring that you end up playing with the kids. So, yeah. It was, you know, two cheeks from the same ass over here. Just girls. I guess so.

Very Bin Laden heavy episode so far. That's interesting. Everything comes in two with those terrors. It's true. I don't think that's the same. You just said that very confidently. Terrorists come in two.

Everybody knows these things. They always come in twos. I don't really go to many parties with kids, though. I don't think I've been to a party with kids before, but I bet I would play with the kids. Oh, they're great. They weren't invited. Well, was any of that written down,

or did you just kind of, were you just sort of riffing? Yeah, I just, I jotted it, yeah. Oh, okay. All right. I just, I mean, I don't know. It just seemed like it was. It was boring? No, well. Oh, okay. All right. I just, I mean, I don't know. It just seemed like it was... It was boring? No, well...

It's a stream of consciousness. Yeah, yeah. It was like listening to Finnegan's Wake. It was just sort of a rambly kind of a... I mean, I'm not... It's just... It's okay. I feel like you just need to look at it on a page

and be able to definitively determine where the punchline is in that. Yeah, I guess I kind of just wanted to say it out loud because i haven't done that yet oh okay yeah well cool hell yeah there's been times like that where i've done that where i've gone on stage where i just kind of like had an idea for a joke but it was always the punchline was the idea i like you guys for the criticism because and that's why i did that joke pretty much say that again right like because you guys give good criticism so that's why i did that joke pretty much. Say that again? Right, like, because you guys give good criticism, so that's why I did the new shit that I was just thinking about.

Right. It sounded like you were describing several situations where you could just tell a story with that. I guess I'm really nailing on the head, like, how I'm a triple threat. Yeah, I'm not nailing it at all, guys. It's okay. I feel like that roofie's kicking in right now. My roofie?

Your roofie? I'm confused. No, like, as what you said, what was the joke in it? Was there a joke in it? I don't know. Maybe not. What sparked the initial idea for the joke? I guess I was, like, pretty much thinking lately how I am.

I am my own worst enemy. I get in my head, and then I just make things worse. I don't know. I blacked out buying white wine at Trader Joe's this weekend. I'm a bad adult. I'm just kind of writing stuff. See, the blacking out buying white wine, you should mention that part. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just kind of like writing stuff. See, the blacking out, buying white wine, you should mention that part. Yeah.

You're like, describe, you're talking around all that when you could just be getting straight to the point, and that's where it's at. So it's really a single thread, and that thread is alcoholism. Essentially. You black out yeah you make a good point I'm talking around things

when I'm writing sometimes you blacked out at the Trader Joe's or from Trader Joe's wine the cookies were so good no I was at a barbecue and my friend needed to go there on the way back and I had like four shots of tequila and it just like

I forgot that I bought white wine and I was leaving her house in the morning. Wait, I'm so confused. You were at Trader Joe's after doing the shots? Yeah, after a barbecue. And what happened? I bought some stuff, paid for it. One of those things was white wine.

And like, you know, I just I really fuck with white wine. It's OK. I'm not like above it. I'll drink it. One of those things was white wine. I just don't really fuck with white wine. It's okay. I'm not above it. I'll drink it. I didn't remember that I bought it. I was like, I need to get my shit together tomorrow. This was yesterday. My friend's like, I think you need a couple days to get your

shit together. He just blacked out buying white wine at Trader Joe's. Gotcha. I don't think the white wine was responsible for the blacking out. I think it was the multiple tequila shots, right? Isn't that what? Oh, yeah. No. Sorry. I'm confusing. No, no, no. It's fine. I just think it's

funny. You're like, I don't even fuck with white wine. White wine isn't the real culprit in that scenario. No, no. Sorry. That's not what I meant by that statement. White wine is like a sort of an opera season ticket holder beverage. That's true. I would say blacking out after only tequila should really

just be called browning out. Probably. Just because you have a fucking pants full of it doesn't mean you're capable of clever observations. That's true. Rebecca, how long have you been doing stand-up? Just a few months shy of a year.

Just a few months shy of a year. A few fries short of a... That's so confusing. That changed my attitude. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. I grasped it three different ways. I was like, okay, just a couple months shy of a year. I was like, what the fuck?

It was so impossible for me to nail down the timeline of you doing comedy. Yeah, I'm trying to be more proactive about hitting the mics lately. I haven't not been doing stand-up for six months. I do things backwards. Yeah, I guess I had to think about that too long to even get a joke out of it, as you pointed out.

Yeah. All right. You should record yourself and listen back to it. That is an excellent. And run this shit by your friends and find the beats where they laugh at what you're talking about. You know what I mean? Like, if you are on a white wine bender with some buddies

and you say something that makes them laugh, acknowledge that in the conversation as a moment that could possibly be a nugget that could turn into a bit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I just shit myself. That's got to train a jazz. Yeah, like that, right? I wouldn't go that far.

That would kill. Yeah. Rebecca Venegro. Thank you very much. Rebecca Rose V on Twitter, guys. That Rebecca Rose V. Just a few months shy of a year. So she went from a few months to perhaps nine months.

One could say nine months, right? That's a few months shy of a year. So there you go patriot how you doing over there what'd you think about these ladies so far what do you think about double bin Laden references you're wearing the red white and blue you're a You know, hey, ladies got to find something to talk about. That's right. It's really wise. It's really wise. Very, very, very true.

If that isn't a T-shirt, it should be. Ladies got to find something to talk about. That's all I talk in is T-shirts. This sounds like the type of name that I would actually expect to talk about Bin Laden. Put your hands together for Joseph Abu Zakir. He's been blacklisted, guys. Him and GT. There's been two Middle Eastern guys blacklisted

and two women talking about Middle Eastern guys. It always comes in two. Maybe there's something to that. Holy shit. Put your hands together for Tyler Miznarek. Do I can't come down? It's in the air and it's all over. Hey, everybody.

Hey, have you ever been talking with somebody and then accidentally admit you're clinically depressed? Yeah. I was talking to my buddy. He said, hey, what did you do this weekend? I said, oh, let's see, I slept a lot, played a lot of video games, ate a lot of macaroni and cheese, was sad. Fuck, I think I'm depressed. I think I'm depressed.

I think macaroni and cheese is like the saddest food because on the side of the box it says, it serves four, but I know it's not going to. It's just gonna be me, it's just gonna be me. They should just change it on the side. It should say, can feed an entire family or just one sad person. That's what it should be. Like if you wanna find out if your friends are depressed,

don't look in their medicine cabinet. Just open up their trash can and count the boxes of macaroni and cheese. That'll give you a better idea. Be like, hey, I'm really worried about Tyler. He's got the blues. Craft macaroni and cheese. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Fuck yeah. Tyler just crushed the bear. That's funny stuff, man. Thank you. Talking mac and cheese and sadness. You should probably think of more legit symptoms of depression. Because you gave a couple that were good, but there's a couple that are really good probably.

I forget what they are. There's some really good ones. I'm trying to think like my Google searches yeah you can't get out of bed you're crying a lot chronic masturbation is well giving up masturbating like like quitting halfway through I think is way chronically quitting I started master right I've never been able to do you know what I mean you couldn't even finish that

even if someone's knocking on the door if the phone starts ringing I absolutely have to finish what am I doing unless somebody shows up you gotta finish see I think it's more fun to finish fast with the pressure on the line and then pretend like you

didn't just jerk off to the person that was knocking on the door. You just answer the door like, oh, hello. No, I wasn't jerking off. That's why Tony beats off an elevator. It's so intense. You never know what floor it's going to open on.

Oh, my God. No, that is absolutely, I agree. That's one way to go. The other way to yeah. That is, absolutely I agree. That's one way to go. The other way to go, I thought, because I thought it was really funny that you just listed a couple things and then just was sad was one of them. But then I think you should go back

to just mundane bullshit. Just kind of drop, because the way you set up the joke was that you accidentally revealed to your friend that you were depressed. So it's like, whatever you did, you did laundry, you watched TV, you played video games, I was sad.

And then a couple other just mundane bullshit things. I think it would be funny to just leave that, let that hang for a minute. Just have one other one that doesn't fit in the pattern. I don't know. It's just another. Maybe there's something like you don't know whether the macaroni and cheese is a symptom of depression or whether perhaps it's the cause of depression. Like what came first, the macaroni and cheese or the depression?

Or the – I don't know. Well, it's – like you can't be happy after eating an entire box to yourself. I expect to do that. Well, have you noticed that they now have the little microwavable singles that are geared to sad people, that that's hitting the fucking suicidal demographic specifically? Yeah, it's faster to make those ones, right? So you just put water in, you put it in the mic for 30 seconds.

And it's just an individual portion. Yeah, so it's like it's for the sad person that can't wait to crawl back onto the covers and eat their mac and cheese. For the person that doesn't have but the commercial break between Reba to, you know what I mean? The box should just have the different state regulations

for filing for divorce. Like how cereal boxes have things. They should just have depression games and stuff. Fill in how many tears is falling down the face right now. Fun fact, I heard that they just decided to change the serving signs to actually reflect how Americans eat. So now like a four serving of mac and cheese is actually going to be like half a serving.

Really? That's good news for me. So it is good news for you. Yeah, it'll be all right. It's good. Nice. Yeah. Now you're going to have to make more boxes of mac and cheese.

You're not depressed. Hell, yeah. Your psychiatrist is here, buddy. Congratulations. All right. Turns out you're cured. Thanks, fella. Fuck, yeah. So, fella. Fuck yeah.

And Tyler, how long have you been doing stand-up? It's been a while, about six years. Fuck yeah. Probably just shy of six years, huh? Yeah, just a few months shy, yeah. How long have you been in L.A.? A few months. Shy of six years.

How long have you been in L.A.? A few months shy of two years. Where'd you start out? Montana. Oh, shit. Where the fuck were you doing stand-up in Montana? There wasn't a lot. I was actually emceeing a poetry open mic at my college for a while.

I can't imagine you being depressed. What do you like about, what's your favorite thing about Montana? My favorite thing about Montana? Is that where you were raised or did you just go to college there? I was raised there, yeah. It's, you know, mountains and stuff. It's all right. I'm not big into hiking or anything.

So I never really liked it that much, to be honest. Your family still lives there? They moved to Wyoming but I still have family there. Oh wow, made the big move to Wyoming. Retiring. It's too crowded here in Montana. Let's get away from these 13 people in our

city going to Wyoming. Have you been to visit them since going to Wyoming? Yeah. What's the major difference that you've noticed between Montana and Wyoming? Let's see. Wyoming has 500,000 people. Montana has almost a million.

That's one. It's the same kind of windy, weather, cold bullshit. They live in windy weather, cold, bullshit and they live in Casper, Wyoming which is like the only city probably in the United States that loves Dick Cheney because that's where he's from

like the football field is named after him their streets are named after him he comes and talks every year, they love him there Dick Cheney wow do you talk about the poetry slam open mic in Montana? Because I would imagine that's like the number one poetry slam in America if you want to hear the N-word. Like, it's a really, I think it's a funny idea.

Yeah. To just like these fucking weird artsy ranchers, you know what I mean? Yeah. I think that's a fun idea. You should explore that, I think. Totally. I bought a gun and I pulled the trigger. Do not say the N-word.

No. I swear to God, do not say it. I don't need to. Trigger's the key word. Tyler, thank you so much. So much fun, buddy. Great job. That's a fucking great little one minute.

You can't really beat jokes that cross depression and mac and cheese. It's just universal. Everybody can connect with that. I really related to that last year. You love mac and cheese, right? I love mac and cheese and depression. And you're also very chewy, so I bet that the mac and cheese, like the dairy in the mac and cheese

probably sets off a whirlwind of problems for you. You know, I beat lactose intolerance. Really? Yeah. How did you beat it? Unless I eat a lot of ice cream. You know, I just powered through it. Your diabetes canceled out your

lactose intolerance. You started reading up a lot on it. You went canceled out your lactose intolerance. You started reading up a lot on it. You went to the Museum of Lactose Tolerance. You know what? This lactose is not as bad as I previously thought. I'm going to reevaluate my thoughts on lactose. The Museum of Lactose Tolerance. Fucking Jesse Joyce, I love you so much.

Thanks, pal. Yeah, if I had a fucking nickel for every time a guy with his pants soaked full of tequila told me they loved me. Oh, shit. It's crazy, like, going back and forth, you know, I mean, not working with you for a while because we used to work on Jeff Ross's show, burn where we would spend 16 hour days together yeah fucking going over one time at a time jokes yeah a lot of racist jokes so much fun mm-hmm sponge knob square we would have done great punch up first that's where I met you yeah oh yeah that's right SpongeBob SquareNuts. No, it was SpongeNob. There was a SpongeBob SquarePants porn parody,

and I can't remember what the name of it was. It was like SpongeNob something. SpongeBob SquareNuts, right? Yeah, that is what it was. Something like that. I can't suck it with the helmet on. Something like that. We found an excuse to watch that video every day in the writer's room.

Just like, I think we need to research this topic more. Just blatantly a porno. Chick deep-throating. Your next comedian, everybody, goes by the name of Bud Galloway. Here he is. How we doing? So everybody got roommates? Got a roommate?

Fuck yeah. Yeah. We used to be friends. He lives on my couch. Yeah. We're not really friends anymore. You know? Not really friends.

That's cool for two weeks. Not cool for three weeks. It's been three weeks. The guy's a living oxymoron. Not in the contradictory sense. He's just done too much oxycontin, and now he's a fucking moron. You know? Never has any money, always has weed, always has some kind of pill he's willing to barter.

He uses it as currency. I try to tell him, Dave, you can't pay the Uber driver with Adderall, man. They don't take Adderall. Actually, you can. They do take Adderall. That's fine. But you definitely can't pay the coffee shop barista with Xanax. Like, coffee and Xanax don't even go together, man. They're opposites.

Actually, they complement each other quite well. You can do that, too. But I didn't need any drugs this month. I need some fucking rent money. The guy pays me in food stamps, which is fine. I need food, you know, but it's really fucking up my Whole Foods cashier game. Can't hit on the hot cashier at Whole Foods and pay with stamps. That joke

ends kind of well, but no worries. It ends well? It was almost over. Here, finish it. Try to finish it again. Can't hit on the hot cashier when you're paying with stamps. And this girl is so fucking hot, man. She's like Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club hot.

You know? Just banging. That's it. Fuck. Yeah. You just made a cricket go retarded. I like the idea that you can't pay using drugs. It's pretty funny.

I like the idea of it. You kind of maybe need to rewrite it a little different, like make it more believable. Because how long have you been doing comedy for? Off and on a couple years you know because how you said you kind of were like you can't pay an uber driver with viagra adderall yeah i know adderall but you can't and then you just went on to the next one instead of going like you can't i told him you can't pay with that but then we got in this uber driver and the guy was like totally down he actually you know like you have to kind of make it

sound more real, I guess, because how you said it... Or even an Uber driver won't accept... You can't pay an Uber driver in Adderall. I mean, a Lyft driver. Yeah. But it just sounded like very presentation style-ish. Yeah, yeah. I guess I was trying

to speed it up. It's usually a little slower. When you say off and on for a couple years, you mean? Well, I was working on this Good Lick Charlie Disney Channel show where I was working 12, 13 hours a day, and I couldn't really. What are you doing on that? Huh? What do you do on that? Mainly hand jobs, you know, coffee and hand jobs.

Just production assing. Production assistant. Production assing. Okay. Fuck yeah. Do you know that you're not at work anymore? I

gotta keep it tight. Gotta keep it tucked in because I'm unemployed. Do you know that you're also not at work at Best Buy? Sorry, that was just a low blow for no reason. I'm sorry about that. I got the mean thing. I can't turn it off. No, no, please.

I can take it. I can take it. I promise. Well, no, but the Uber driver thing, there was another point. There's like a double entendre in the word take. And the way you said it, I don't even know if it was necessarily on purpose, but you said, he won't take Xanax. And then it's like, well, he does take Xanax, but he won't accept his payment.

You know what I'm saying? Like, the implication that, like, he takes a lot of Xanax, but he won't, you know what I mean? He won't take it. You know, like. Okay, I guess. See what I'm saying? Right, right, right, right, right. You mean I should go that way?

Because that's another way it was. Well, I don't know. It's just a thought. I mean, it is something that you said. You did say the phrase, he won't take whatever drug you were talking about. Right. The guy doesn't take Xanax for current... Yeah, I just think that there's a beat for a punchline there if you wanted to...

Yeah, that is good. You can go back to what you were, but it's just sort of a tag. And the coffee... Oh, also, the thing that you said first is not an actual oxymoron. You know what I mean? That's a single entendre. You know? You need the thing to be an oxymoron

for you to then go, what I actually mean is he's an oxy and he's a moron. You know what I mean? Right, so... He's an oxy... Oh, I know it's not an oxy. Well, right, so you can't then just say he's an oxymoron. He's an oxymoron. Oh, I know it's not an oxymoron. Well, right. So you can't then just say he's an oxymoron. He's an oxymoron not in the contradictory sense, meaning it's not contradicting. Right, but there's no way that anyone in the audience thought you meant in the contradictory sense. Okay, well, I said that.

Because it's not an oxymoron. You know what I mean? Right. Like, what you want to do with a joke, like, that is a – what you're trying to do is misdirect them. You're like, oh, okay, how's he an oxymoron? And then it's like, no, I just mean he does a lot of oxy and he's a moron. That's where there's a joke because it makes a left turn. Right.

That's what I did, right? Didn't I? No. It's like, guy's a living oxymoron, not in the contradictory sense. But how would he be a living oxymoron? Because he's done too much oxycontin. But you understand what I'm saying? There needs to be a double meaning to that.

But he's not. Well, then it's not really a joke then. You know what I mean? You're just saying two words together. You know what I mean? He's not a cocaine dickhead. You know what I mean? That's what you just did. You're taking all the meaning

out of the word oxymoron. You need to have it misdirect. It's not oxymoron. He's just like, it's a different... No, yours is very easy to get. I understand what you did. I'm just saying if you want to improve the quality of the piece of material, you should

lead him down one way and then fucking head fake them. Isn't that kind of what I did? No. Because they thought it was an oxymoron. I think that these people seem to understand what I'm saying. Right. All right. And plus, look, do you understand?

It's too on the head. When you say the word oxymoron, people are already waiting to hear you go moron. The oxy is a little bit of a bonus, but it's not enough. What he's saying is that if you make it an oxymoron... We know you're not going to call him a jumbo shrimp.

But did you think I was going to say he does too much oxycontin? I mean, that's... I have a question for you, bud. The shoelaces are missing from your shoes. Didn't you think I was going to say he does too much oxycontin and now he's more? I mean, that's just guns. I have a question for you, bud. The shoelaces are missing from your shoes. Yeah, they were Ross $10. And they didn't come with shoelaces.

And you're not wearing a belt. Yeah. Are you on suicide watch right now? Probably. Do you want to share a box of macaroni and cheese with me? I do. In the blues, right? I got the blues.

That's why I wear blue all the time. I wear my grandpa's clothes. Fuck yeah. All right. Tony, I always liked seeing you make fun of all the open micers, and I'm glad you have a show now to make fun of everybody. Really, I do. I wish more people could see it and now I'm glad

100,000 people can witness you making fun. Bud, thank you so much. I really don't know what I would have done without that compliment from the craziest guy on the show yet tonight. Bud, I love your style, man. Keep it up.

Thanks, fellas. Fuck yeah. You can catch Bud performing at Arkham Asylum on Thursdays and Fridays. And the main room in like 15 minutes. Whoa! Bring her shows. Somebody

somebody very excited. I shut it for you. The main room, everybody, on a Monday night and the slowest Monday I've seen in seven years of being here. But very good for you, Bud. He's at Bud Galloway on Twitter, guys. And my space.

Like, this thing, what you're doing here, seems, like, productive in a way, you know? Because it's like we're giving advice and whatever. But, like, what I got from him is that you just make fun of open micers, like, without a podcast. You just, like, be an insecure cocksucker and just, like, make fun from him is that you just make fun of open micers without a podcast. You just be an insecure cocksucker and just make fun of people. Yeah, totally.

That's awesome. I'm glad you found a context in which to do that that makes you not seem as much like a piece of shit. That's the culture that is bred at the comedy store. Very, very insecure. Extremely highly sensitive.

Luckily, I had that all going for me when I got here. So I fit right in. And then, you know, some of us, you know, you've got to do what you're good at, right? So, I mean, I haven't made fun of a lot of people tonight. He wasn't wearing a belt, and he didn't have shoelaces, and I put that thing together. I wasn't saying that. But he's the one

who brought up that like, hey, it's nice that you dicking on open micers. It is true. Because you know what I'm saying. I got. Yeah. How long. But you were here when I was doing that downstairs. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Now that's all right. No, it was just a yes.

Okay. Just a yes would have done perfect. Yeah, there's a lot of people know you as that, like the mean guy from Open Mics. Do you ever worry about that, like them getting bigger and then ruining you? No, making fun of comedians at Open Mics is exactly how I sort of – it actually helped me tremendously.

That's sort of how I ended up working with Jeff, which got me working more with other things. I never really see that side of you. I somehow lucked out on that. I see it on the show, but I never see you being this mean guy. It's not really mean. It's just jokes. I mean, it's not like I'm just a complete dick,

but I find a way to be a dick and at least I try to be a dick and be funny at the same time. Sometimes I'm just a dick, but not that often. I used to be more. You went dick to schtick. Exactly.

Turn being a dick into a living. Plus, I just hate all the teachers that used to say, where's being me never going to get you? I think about them every time. Just like, you're still teaching kids in Youngstown, Ohio. Well, I get to have fun, you know, have tequila spilled on me by my speech impediment friend. At what point in this long personal story

are you going to buy a box of wine at Trader Joe's? Right now. Guys, let's keep it rolling. Your next comedian goes by the name of Joe Morisi. Wake up. Wake up. Thank you, guys. Good to be here.

Good to be out of the house. I've been living alone for a little over two years now. And it's getting weird. It's getting really weird. Like yesterday I was watching my neighbor in the shower. Just because my blinds were open. And he's got this big open bathroom window. But I didn't feel weird watching him because it you know, it's one of these windows. You know how bathroom windows are.

It's cut up high, so it's like I'm just seeing them from the shoulders up. So it's really just one man watching another man shampoo. And I feel like, you know what, I've been doing the same thing for 30 years. Let me see his technique. I want to see what this guy does. But the guy the same thing for 30 years. Let me see his technique. I want to see what this guy does. But the guy was a total clown in there. I didn't like it. He just took the shampoo bottle, just squirted it on top of his head.

Hey, what kind of money you got, man? You could just waste all this shampoo like this. Not even measuring. You're supposed to measure like a quarter. No, a quarter is obnoxious, but like a dime or a nickel size, and then he's rubbing it in, he's scratching... There you go.

Where does that go? Is that the end of it? Finish that. That's amazing. And then he was rubbing it. He rubs it in real hard with his knuckles. He's scratching it like he's got scratch-off tickets in there. And then I call out to him, and I'm like, hey, man, come on. It's an easy fingertip massage.

Come on. You got to massage the scalp. Sort of like that. Fuck yeah. Oh, shit. When did you write that? Because I tweeted something last night that was so similar to that. How many tweets was it?

Well, this is a true story. Last night, I have this place in my backyard where I smoke joints or smoke weed or whatever. I was sitting there late at night. I look over, and there's this apartment right next door. And two stories up, there's this bathroom, a shower, where the guy or the person had the window open. And they had it open, like, this much, so it was perfect for tits.

And so I looked over there, I'm like, holy shit. And I tried to take photos, but the iPhone didn't work. And it was just, like, straight up just cleaning and shampoo and soap. And I was just sitting there like, this is fucking great. So I, like, get out of my chair and I'm looking closer trying to take a better photo. iPhone sucks. He bent down and was a dude.

The whole time I thought it was a woman because it was a fat dude. The tits looked real. Then when he stood back up I just acted like they were real tits and continued to watch for the rest of the shower. Fuck yeah. There was no hair. Was they were real tits and continued to watch for the rest of the remainder of the shower. Fuck yeah. There was no hair.

Was he scratching the tits so hard like they were lotto tickets that he rubbed all the hair off? What was the tweet? The tweet was, here, I'll read it right now. The tweet was very similar to what I just said. It was under 140 characters. It was a twit longer. It was a twit longer. It was, my neighbor showers with the window

cracked open right at the tits, but they're fat tits, and I think it's a guy, but they look real. That was before he bent over. I just remember that my neighbor was a guy, and I'm like, wait. This guy stole your tweet. Totally the exact same thing.

It seems like you're blaming the dude. You're like, fuck him for being a guy like completely not acknowledging your own responsibility in the peeping Tom gateway serial killer behavior that you were engaged in. Fuck yeah. I was just in the backyard setting small animals on fire

and this fucking guy was trying to jerk off into his sock drawer and he... It's weird because if I see it again I will still watch it because it was...

This guy had beautiful tits, huh? The guy had really good tits. I believe you. Wow. I guess I've seen fat guy tits before but his had more body and less droop. He was just going like this

and the nipples were good areola size. They weren't small like a guy's. You had a good visual of his areolas? Yeah, I'm serious. Are you sure you weren't on a ladder in this guy's window? I'm pretty sure I deleted all the evidence of the photos because I thought about it afterwards

like how horrible that would be. Joe, let's talk about this shampoo thing. Fucking hilarious. I love how your energy gets crazier as it goes on. Like it's a fun little adventure watching you get passionately angry about

this guy wasting shampoo. I like your style. You're very almost burr. You have a great style on stage where it's very silly and funny, but it's come across very powerful because you have a loud voice and how you say

it, it's fun. You have a good style. How long did you say you were on, or have you been doing comedy? I started about six years ago. Okay. Who's your influence? Is Burr one of them? Yeah.

Yeah, I could tell. I could tell. That's cool, man. I recommend. I like your style. Is all your jokes kind of presented the same way, kind of like almost an anger and an enthusiasm? Yeah, kind of.

I kind of always start with something simple and then just kind of build on it with more energy like that. Yeah, I do a lot like that, I guess, yeah. I liked it. I thought it was great. I feel like, did you finish the joke? Like, that was, it just... It ends on lotto tickets.

It ends on the lotto tickets. Yeah, I just kind of do that thing where I call out, like, massage. Right. Well, because here's the thing. That is fucking terrific. And you already got the stage presence down. That's terrific. But it's like, look at that joke on a page. You know what I mean?

Like, it's in your best interest to punch that up. You know what I mean? For the sake of the fact that ideally someday you'd want to do that on TV and when you do, you gotta send it to, like you literally have to just send it in a fucking Word document and

it wouldn't look like there was a joke there necessarily. You know what I mean? Yeah. You might want to think about rounding the punchline. I don't know. I'm not sure where to tell you to go with it, but you could be angry about the instructions on the shampoo,

how he doesn't rinse and repeat. You know what I mean? How infuriating that is to you. He doesn't even follow the fucking rules that are clearly indicated on the goddamn bottle. Right, yeah. You know? Yeah, without that, it's just kind of a rant. But I could see you doing instructional videos

for hairdressers. Maybe there's something like, to bring closure to the whole thing, like it's like, I don't know. Yeah, I've been thinking about it for a while. Maybe there's something about, you know, it frustrated you so much because, you know, maybe he responds, maybe he didn't. But, you know, it's like now you can't shower with the blinds open. Hold on.

What happens when you run into him, like, around the apartment complex? Do you say something to him? No, he's across. He's in another apartment. Okay. But what if you happen, you know, you parked on the street, and you run into him. Do you give him tips about what he should be doing in the shower?

No, I mean, I probably should, though, I think. Like, I think when you're that furious about it, you know, at a point to just kind of stop and go, like, I almost couldn't finish beating off. Like, I was so mad. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, something, like, you know what I mean?

Like, it needs a punchline. Like, it needs to have a needs to well i used to do a part in it where i would i would be washing my dishes and he would see me washing my dishes and be like hey man are you what are you jerking off to me but i didn't really want to go that dirty with it right but i guess i don't know well maybe yeah i don't know then maybe it's that like maybe it's like you finally confront him about how he washes his hair and then he flips it on you and does the whole thing about how you wash your fucking dishes you know i mean like do you set that up like that that you're your wind that the window is over your sink or did you say that you're i, I didn't say that this time. Do you say what window you look out of?

No. I probably should. Yeah, no. Yeah, usually I do say my kitchen window. You know what? Yeah. If you don't want to go that dirty with it, then it's like, you know, I almost shut the video camera off. You know what I mean?

Like something that alludes to the fact that – Yeah, something. To acknowledge that it's a creepy behavior that you're, know just watching a dude shower okay you know or if it is your kitchen window and looking through his bathroom window and you are watching it when you do dishes and you are so angry when it's happening that maybe you don't even need to say jerking off that maybe you know maybe it's just understood when you go you know I'm so angry at him and he

I'm afraid when he looks over and just sees me going you know your hands are out of but I guess there's no way for I think miming jerking off is worse than saying jerking off right when you have that in the word doc in parentheses underneath that just says miming jerking off.

That wouldn't be good. Act out. Jerking off. Hmm. Trying to think of a special window that it could be. Well, it could be like, hey, what are you doing? The guy's like, what are you doing? Watching me and jerking off?

And you're like, no, what are you doing? Watching me get a blowjob from a guy? It could be like, what are you doing, watching me and jerking off? And you're like, no, what are you doing, watching me get a blowjob from a guy? It could be like, never mind. You might want to, because the whole performance thing and the whole rant is great. Just maybe kind of what Redman said. Try to do it as a tweet. Don't actually write it, but challenge yourself

to see how that would look as a one-liner. Because then that would force you to have a punchline. You know what I mean? Or your neighbor could be Osama Bin Laden. Or maybe it's just like, you know what, I'm just... In some way,

the gist of it is like it's so frustrating to you that you just absolutely can't watch another man shower now. Oh, that's great. I like that. I am done watching dudes shower. Because by that time, you're so passionate and angry in it that you could really sell that.

What if you started to question your own way of washing your hair because of it? You know, you can be so furious about how this guy showers that it just really makes you mad. You can be so furious about how this guy showers that it just really makes you mad. Just pause and take a beat and go, I guess I should mention that I went to the Jerry Sandusky football camp. I don't know. That might be too dark.

That's why he would hate showers. You understand what I'm saying? I thought it was about staring at the dude. Did you get that? It went over my head. You said that the jerking off was too dirty, and then I threw a pedophilia joke at you. Or maybe you see the guy on the street, and you want to bring up,

you want to tell him that he's using way too much shampoo, like you think about it, but then as you got close to him, you saw him and his hair was just so fucking beautifully clean that you just couldn't bring yourself to complain. Smelled too good. Smelled like apples. So there's a few routes you can go there, but it's a hilarious joke.

It's an ending. And you have great energy. Very, very funny delivery. Joe Morisi, everybody. Thanks, guys. Thanks. He's on Twitter at Joe Morisi, M-A-R-R-E-S-E, M-A-R-R-E-S-E. Very funny guy.

Let's get another one up here, shall we? Joe DeWitt. Wow. This is amazing. Three blacklisted. Bitches are afraid of me. Make some beeping noises. There you go.

That makes it easy. Darren Chase There he is What's up guys Holy shit This isn't nearly as awkward as I used to do I used to be a pro wrestler Yeah I'd go in front of people like Crowd's not this big wearing nothing but tights.

Yeah, I didn't make it as a wrestler. I think the reason for that is I put my faith in Jesus' hands. It's a horrible idea. It's got holes in them. Alright. If you're not laughing at that joke, you might be thinking what someone told me

after a show one time. That Jesus hands joke, man, that was so wrong. They hung Christ through the wrists. I told my mom I wanted to be a wrestler. She was like, don't do that, that's stupid. You'll hurt your back. Then I told her I wanted to sleep on a futon.

She's like, that's cool. Yeah, I don't got a smart family. If you're wondering what happened here, I put my head through a windshield over a year ago. Yeah, I survived. People say I'm lucky. I think I am lucky, but not for the reason that people say I am. But luck is when opportunity and preparedness meet.

And being a pro wrestler, that fateful Christmas night, I had the opportunity to show just how prepared my forehead was after all those chair shots. Thank you. I'm Darren Chase. Fuck yeah. Call back to the pro wrestling thing at the end. Darren, how long have you been doing stand-up? Almost two years.

Two years? Shy of. A couple months. Shy of. It's a theme tonight of people. Shy. Okay. Okay. Pro wrestling.

Fuck yeah. What was the first joke? I didn't make it in wrestling because I put my faith in Jesus' hands. Bad idea. Not a good joke. Are you scratching your chin? There was nine snails in his hands, though. They just also wrapped it in his hands They just also

Wrapped it around his hands Because they did use nails in his hands You can't But they would just slide right off The human body wouldn't hold up So they also wrapped it up You should also say And they also wrapped it up

I like that this is a history of Jesus' death I'm just thinking back at his hands i don't know because i could i like that this is a history of jesus's death well i'm just thinking back at his hands so i mean i i don't dislike the punch line uh i it's an interesting idea i've never heard anybody do that before but it's just faith doesn't work on the front end you know what i mean it's like i know that's a saying like to put your faith in jesus but it's if faith is an intangible concept that wouldn't actually slip through. You know what I mean? Once again, it's kind of a single entendre in a way. You know what I mean?

But it's a clever – I like the idea. There's something there. This is not helpful. Right. There's three other fucking dudes here. Will somebody pick up the ball? No, it's true. I'm trying to think of a solution here.

I think maybe there's a chance and tell me if you think I'm right about this, Jesse, that if he repeats it, if he says, Bobbity Bob, put your faith in Jesus' hands and then says, but those are the worst hands you'd ever want to be in

because they have holes in them. Maybe a reset after the thing. Right. Right. but those are the worst hands you'd ever want to be in because they have holes in them. Maybe a reset after the thing. You don't want to put anything in Jesus' hands. Right. The only hands that we are certain have giant holes through them. Even if you spell it out more, giant holes I think is funnier than regular holes.

Yeah. Can you imagine Jesus doing jazz hands on a white couch? That's hilarious but you see what I'm getting to is like what I'm trying to say is like if you put your heart in Jesus' hands like that's a physical thing that would fall through giant holes in hands you know what I mean

so it's like it's less of an abstract concept like that actually has more of a misdirect to it you know what I'm saying? I'm still not saying that fixes it. I also think Jesus would make hilarious finger puppets on a wall. Imagine that, like a dinosaur with a huge hole through the middle. Imagine a buddy movie with Jesus, and Jesus is like, I'll drive. And he throws the hands to the keys, and the keys go through his hands.

And hits a person in the face. There's so much fun. As soon as you said buddy, that's exactly the image that I thought of, too. I was like, oh, when he throws the keys, he's going to. He's playing like, what is that? Press your luck. No whammies, no whammies, no whammies. No whammies.

Fuck, yeah. There's a lot whammies, no whammies. Fuck yeah. There's a lot you could do with Jesus' holy hands. Playing softball with your... Who's Jesus' son? Noah. Who's Jesus' son? Wow. Fuck yeah.

I bet he had a kid that no one knew about. We're all his children. Oh, that's right. Are you saying that he had a kid that no one knew about. We're all his children. Oh, that's right. Are you saying that Jesus had a bastard son? Of course, with Mary Magdalene. What is the story with that? There could be something with the throw on the keys, that dumb bumper sticker that says,

Jesus is my co-pilot. But he's a really shitty co-pilot because the one time I threw my keys and I broke a bucket. That's great. Not really good with a gear shifter either. because the one time I threw my keys and I didn't break the bucket. You know what I mean? That's great. All right. Not really good with a gear shifter either. Yeah.

I must drive automatic. Yeah. And when he's in the passenger seat, he keeps insisting on keeping his hand out the window with just this loud whistling. He does the blinker like this. So you really were a pro wrestler? That's a true thing Minnesota and North Carolina and Washington

I've wrestled in all three states okay that's from getting kicked right in the jaw that's horrifying you shouldn't be doing that the doctor says that too I don't give a fuck about you and your health as a person I'm saying it horrifies audiences

don't do that on stage yeah it's gross alright so there was the Jesus joke what was the next thing fuck about you and your health as a person. I'm saying it horrifies audiences. Don't do that on stage. Fair enough. Yeah, it's gross. Alright, so there was the Jesus joke. What was the next thing? The windshield, going through the windshield. Yeah, I'm lucky. Wait, I was confused. Did you get in a car accident

or did you just get all roided up and put your head through a windshield? No, when I have more time, I talk, but I got no car accident. I hit a tree. I survived. It didn't take more than a seat for Object Newton. Second law to stop me. Wow.

Darren, we're running out of time. We got to go. Fair enough. Thank you so much. Darren Chase. That's at Darren Chase. We're going to move on to our final portion of the show where our two lovely regulars go up each week with a brand new minute. This week's no different. Going first, she dropped out of the University of

Florida when she fell in love with stand-up comedy last year here on Kill Tony. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon. You think I give a fuck? Come on. Like, run for a ride, bitch. Sit up front. You can't just leave me. Hey, yeah, it's almost been a whole year now.

It's crazy. Guys, here we go. We're getting a little dark here. I read a story about a man who kidnapped his neighbor's son, and his plan was to kill the kid, rape him, put him in spaghetti, and feed him to his mom, which I thought was weird because when you have a plan that elaborate, how nervous are you when you finally make the spaghetti and you have to bring it over to the mom and he's like

hey uh i brought you some since getty i mean uh spaghetti uh it's really good and she's eating it she's like this is really good is this veal he's like no but it was young and tender because our kid was 12. This is how I thought it was going to go. So we don't like killing kids, people. Alright, I get it. I'm from Florida. It's kind of our thing there. So maybe I'm in the wrong place. I don't know. What do you guys want to talk about?

So I ate this kale the other day. Went on a hike. That was you guys want to talk about? So I ate this kale the other day. Went on a hike. That was crazy. How about parking tickets? I see what you did there. I didn't know what to do just now. That was weird. But I laughed so hard at Sun Getty like 60 times today.

You said Sun Getty. I couldn't understand what you said. You might have got a laugh with that. I thought you said Kid Skeddy. Yeah, I thought you said Skeddy. No said sun getty. I couldn't understand what you said. You might have got a laugh with that. I thought you said kid skeddy. No, sun getty. And then I was going to talk about veal and I was going to say oh, did you make this yourself? And he's like, nah, you kind of made it too.

And then... Oh, he was going to feed the kid to his own mom. To his own mom. Not to the killer's mom. To the child's mom i saw it on america's most wanted years ago and he actually did kill a kid and feed and went next door as a condolence and fed them spaghetti and it was the kid in the spaghetti oh my god but i didn't want to tell everybody that because that's what everyone's reaction is so i heard the story

that that was his plan is how i tried to change it because i wanted to say since you thought that would soften the blow? Right, yeah. If you're going to go hard, you've got to go hard all the way. Make it real. No reason to soften it. And then say Sunskitty. Sunskitty. And say it slower. Like, Sunskitty.

It's always got to be clear that setup or else there's no point in even having a punch, you know what I mean? If we don't know that you're feeding the mom of the murdered child. Yeah, I was confused by that. I do like the idea sorry to cut you off, of this rapist

and murderer getting nervous about serving somebody dinner. Yeah, and he's like freaking out like, well, and then he starts, I wanted to say, like, well, I fucked that spaghetti, bye, and like he starts, I wanted to say, like, well, I fucked that spaghetti, bye, and like just leaves. I had this whole kid and spaghetti thing in my head

for a while. It's been great. I hope you're not a nanny. No, I'm not. But I do like spaghetti. Everybody loves spaghetti. Who doesn't? That's why I like the joke. Everyone likes sons. The Patriot loves spaghetti. Look at him over there.

Double thumbs up on spaghetti. Yeah. I think the funny part is that it's strange that, you know. Then she's got to shit out her own son eventually. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's the second time the son was in the body. Maybe say something like that's the second time. It's like rebirth.

Yeah. I don't know if I would open with that. It's the sh time the son was in the body. Maybe say something like that's the second time. It's like rebirth. That's the shittiest rebirth. Good to be here. That's also a good one to put down if you're doing a TV set. See it on paper. All right. Well, rock and roll. There'll be a new minute next week, Kim.

How was San Diego? You had a lot of fun with Sam Tripoli down at the comedy store? It was so much fun, yeah. It was awesome. Good weekend. I bet it was crazy. Sam's a lot of fun. He is a lot of fun. Well, there she goes, everybody. Kim Congdon. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. It's tough to write a new

minute every week. Your next and final comedian of the night, put your hands together for Sarah Wineshank, everybody. Here she is. What's up? I like side dishes and I like salads.

I like them both, but there's one side dish slash salad that I don't fuck with, and that's coleslaw. Coleslaw. What a visceral compound word, guys. Just look at it. It already looks wrong.

Coleslaw. Slaw? Slaw? That sounds like something you feed a farm animal. Hey, get the slaw out. Baking the pigs got to eat tonight. Not into coleslaw. Cabbage? Not into cabbage.

Not into mayo. Both, eh. Together? Still kind of, eh. Still not great, guys. Nothing worse than someone showing up to a potluck with a tub of coleslaw. I feel like coleslaw, it only comes in tubs. Doesn't come in containers.

I'm guessing that bit is called coleslaw. Fuck yeah. All right. That is what it is, huh? called coleslaw. Fuck yeah. Alright. That is what it is, huh? Just mayo and rotten cabbage or something like that? Is that right? I personally love coleslaw. KFC coleslaw all day.

Fuck yeah. This is our special health consultant Ryan Redbank. We found a sadder food to eat when you're depressed. Coleslaw and a turkey Reuben instead of sauerkraut? Brian Redmayne. We found a sadder food to eat when you're depressed. Yeah. Coleslaw and a turkey Reuben instead of sauerkraut? Yeah, I agree with you about that. All day? Really?

Literally all day. See, coleslaw to me is one of those things that I don't think people hate enough to get on board 100%. I think there's people that are just like, ah, coleslaw. I've got to sell it more. Maybe. Why are you picking on coleslaw? I hate it. it more. Maybe. Why are you picking on coleslaw? I hate it. I fucking hate it.

I saw you bitching about this all week on Twitter. One day. Just one day. I just don't get the anger. Just one day. Just one day. Olives. I can stand behind olives.

Fuck olives. I'm racist with the black olives. I'd rather have the green ones if I had to choose one. But fuck all olives. It's just cabbage and mayo, isn't it? Cabbage and mayo, yeah. I don't mind coleslaw, but when somebody is telling me,

I went to this place that had really good coleslaw, I just want to... I really question their authority on food. Are you really bragging about coleslaw? Right. If that's the best thing about a place. It's like saying i went to this restaurant the other day you should have seen the restrooms it was awesome

right exactly yeah like their tap water was so fresh right uh same thing okay you could compare the ingredients in coleslaw to to people because then you talk about a potluck you know like cabbage man Mayo Matt together still Matt it's like and then think of a couple very average people that don't complement each other you put them together I don't know like a band like Jon Bon Jovi man Richie Sambora meh the band Jon Bon Jovi meh I don't know I've

I've never thought of what a stupid word it was until you like broke it down you know I don't know it sounds like Kirk Douglas

trying to say the band Coldplay you know I don't know it's just it has like a real strokey quality to it like cause it just kind of like trails off at the end like like it it has like a real strokey quality to it because it just kind of

like trails off at the end like it just has like a like a negative connotation there's like no end to the word

it just kind of trails off I don't know I don't know what to tell you but I was really I was up here the last couple seconds

trying to think of a fucking what I love that I think that's a great approach is you know it sounds

strokey the name the title of it is strokey it just trickles I think that's a great approach. It sounds strokey. The title of it is strokey. It just trickles off. Maybe that's how the word and the food was conceived. Somebody was trying to make something real. Didn't finish it because he had a stroke. There was supposed to be more to it. I had a stroke in the kitchen.

I knocked the jar of mayo into this rotten cabbage, but it was delicious. And then there was some mediocre person that tried it and they were like, you had a stroke of genius. Sarah Wine Shank, thank you so much. Follow her on Twitter at Princess Shank. Guys, that's Kill Tony 49. Thank you

so much for being part of it. Follow Jesse Joyce on Twitter. You have any gigs coming up you want to promote? A lot of listeners. If you got them, push it. I'm on Comedy Underground with David Tell on the 31st. Oh, yeah. That's so great. What's the date of that again?

May 31st. May 31st. That's Saturday, 1 a.m. It's awesome. You just opened up for Dave in Hollywood. Yeah, at the Improv, yeah. You're going to be on At Midnight a few times, too, coming up. Yeah, yeah, in June.

So keep your eyes out on that. Jesse is one of my favorite people to work with and an amazing comedian. If you live anywhere near New York, check him out at the Cellar. Killer, killer New York comic. We're lucky enough to have here for a bit. Thanks. Sandy? Come this summer, I'm going to be opening up for the Stanley Cup when it goes on the road.

Here's Stan. After the NHL finals are over. And is he deep? I wish I had gone before Jesse because none of my things are nearly as cool as those. You can Google me. I'm on Twitter, at Sandy Danto.

You can find me at the Comedy Store. Very late at night. I think it's better than having to follow the Stanley Cup. That would be a way shittier gig. A lot of people eating mac and cheese after hearing that depressing advertisement. Dan Madonia was our iron pod trade tonight. One of my good friends. Me, Sandy, and Dan used to live together.

Dan, you have some sketches on Funny or Die on YouTube called Relationship. He's on Twitter at Damadonia, right? Fuck yeah. Thank you so much, buddy. Guys, come see us in Vegas and a lot of other stuff coming up on the horizon. Fun times. Yeah, May 16th, Vegas, Comic-Con 2014. Go to DeathSquad.tv for all the tickets.

Thank you, live audience. Have a great night, guys. Thank you.