KILL TONY - KILL TONY #492

Episode Date: February 14, 2021

William Montogmery, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 02/05/2021 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. And the most important thing, that's where you could click on tour dates. I don't know how many times I hear people go, where do I get tickets for this? Where do I get tickets for that? Click on tour dates.

There you can see that we have a show every Monday at Antone's and you got links for tickets. And we're also going to be on the road. We're going to be in Miami, February 26th and the 27th. We'll be at the Miami Improv. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates.

Don't forget Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. Go to his website, RyanJEbelt.com. Tony's website is TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything. Golden Pony at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV.

It's just reopened and we have t-shirts, Kill Tony shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.TV. It's just reopened, and we have T-shirts, Kill Tony shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redbit coming to you live from Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Gear up for Tony. It's Clem. Phoenix, Arizona, we're here. What the fuck is up?

There's no coronavirus in Phoenix Look, it's Brian Redman, everybody Hey, everybody Ladies and gentlemen, come on This is our first road gig in almost a fucking year It's you Phoenix, Arizona We were the podcast that I would venture to guess

Was the most affected by a global pandemic because we have a live audience. Yeah. But not here, not in Phoenix. The rest of the world doesn't exist here tonight in this room. This is the super spreader event of the century. And thank God for those little plastic things that will save you guys.

Someone got fired from their job for building those things, huh? A little bit too short. For those of you listening to the podcast, the plexiglass goes up to everybody's shoulder. So their face goes over the plexiglass. The particles go over

the plexiglass. It's for Brad Williams only. He's a midget, everybody. For those of you that don't know, that's a midget joke because it's protecting midgets who are high risk. Low people, high risk. Red Band's

here. We're here in Phoenix, Arizona. We're at Stand Up Live, everybody. Here, doing it. It's happening. Shout out to Ryan J. Ebald who draws every episode. Get your prints and t-shirts here and there and everywhere. He's the best, but he's not here tonight.

He's not in Phoenix. That's just an absolute fact. We are. There's a bucket here. A ton of people signed up before the show. I'm so excited to start this show. I'm so excited to be here with you people. But before we begin, here's a little bit about the amazing sponsors that made this

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You'll thank me later. And we're back. Are you guys ready to start the show? P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P No, we have a guest. He's an amazing comedian. You know him from movies and TV. He's here in Phoenix, Arizona right now, and he's a guest on this show right now. Make some noise for the great Dustin Ybarra, everybody. Yeah, Dustin. You know him.

You love him. You've seen him in movies. You love this fucking guy. Has a new television show. This guy does everything. Yeah. He's all over the place. He got pulled over on the way here. He was in the movie Us.

He was a carnival. You did. You got pulled over here in Maricopa County. Yeah, man. That was kind of freaky, you know, looking how I do. Such a wild man. Yeah. A cop, you lower your window, cops are just like,

bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Dollar signs. What'd they get you for? Nothing. He let me go. I was like, I'm on my way to a comedy show, man. Wow. I know I used that one.

He's like, well, son, I looked up and down at your history. Turns out you're not black, so we're going to let you go. You're everything but black. How fast were you going? Were you speeding? No, not even that fast. My registration was out. I know.

What a lazy guy fucking illegal thing to do, right? Wow. Fun times. Well, we're going to have fun tonight, everybody. How many of you are diehard Kill Tony fans, huh? I know. And you guys remember the old band? They're doing great.

Jeremiah Watkins is headlining Dallas, Texas right now as we speak. These people. Joel Jimenez taking care of his family. The Mexicans all stay together during this coronavirus. They also work during the coronavirus, and they also live together. It's a whole thing. Point is, Joel is no longer with us. No, I'm kidding. He's a whole thing. Point is, Joel is no longer with us. No, I'm kidding. He's not here tonight.

None of the normal band is, but we do have a special treat for you. We have a special guest band leader for you tonight. And not only do you have a special band leader for this show live tonight, playing everybody up and down all night,

but you'll also be amazed to know that he's also a regular on the show, Kill Tony. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week, and he's about to do it right now. This is the first ever time that I brought out a regular who then will be the band. And it's about to happen when I present to you one of the longest standing regulars in Kill Tony history. To get it started tonight with a minute, I present to you the great, the powerful, William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is, live in the flesh. Phoenix goes wild for the big red machine. He's in front of him. He's looking at the audience. The goes wild for the big red machine. He's in front

of him. He's looking at the audience. The clock has not started. He's soaking it in. We've never seen this move before, folks. The clock technically doesn't start until you start talking if you're a regular.

This is an orthodox maneuver. He's giving them the cutesy eyes. We've seen this. He looks shy. Wait, you think he's setting them up for the no? Is he going to do the winks? Is he doing it? Oh, I didn't see it, but I could hear the reaction.

Oh, I saw that one. All right, William. How about you do a minute? William Montgomery, everybody. Make some noise for William. A brand new minute of stand-up comedy. I love Phoenix! I call all the weight I put on during quarantine

the COVID-19. I'm still waiting for MTV to release the show Teen Dad. What about us? You think it's easy staying with the mom until the baby turns nine months? Joe Biden's so old, when the Titanic sank, they said women and children first, and he said, nah, maybe just the children.

I just read a restaurant describe itself as unconventional, and it was kind of turned off. Give me a place that advertises itself as for level-headed Christians. Democrats are the party of diversity, which Joe Biden has proven by appointing Jews with totally different fingertips. Or fingerprints. William Montgomery. Did you mess up a word there at the end? Yeah, I was supposed to say,

Democrats are the party of diversity, which Joe Biden has proven by appointing Jews with totally different fingerprints. Yeah. Yeah, you could have just said, like when I just asked you if you messed up the last word there, you could have just said, yeah, I said fingerprints. You did the whole thing from the very beginning.

Democrats are the party of diversity, which Joe Biden has proven by appointing Jews with totally different fingerprints. Fingerprints. All right. Red Band, why'd you do that? Don't start this shit off. I swear to God, don't do that. Uh-oh.

Red Band and William have a long standing rivalry. It's only funny for about the first eight seconds, but they do it all the time. Can I get a taste of what kind of music stylings we'll have? Yeah, William has a keyboard. We've never seen this before in Kill Tony history. Never before

has a regular ventured into band territory. This is the debut. This is going to be huge news to kill Tony. Oh, wait. Why don't you just play a song, William?

Wow! This is going to be a fucking party here tonight. Wow. What an upgrade. This is going to be a fucking party here tonight. Wow. Wow. What an upgrade. This is incredible. Oh, my.

I felt like Eric Clapton when he saw Jimi Hendrix and then wanted to kill himself, you know? That was amazing. Okay, I get it. I can't believe you could play all that with one finger. There was percussion in there? All right. So, Williams, the band, Dustin Yabar is here. There's a bucket filled with names. A bunch of people sign up. Anything can happen, as you may have seen before.

If you get your name pulled out of the bucket, that means you have to make your way all the way around over there and up these stairs here right on the side. Oh, there's some here too. Oh, that's great. That's a huge hazard. A bunch of handicapped people around here stumbling around. That's great. Or you can make it to this staircase. Either way, go to that microphone. You get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Tempe bear.

Sorry, everybody from Tempe. I didn't ask what the gay part of Phoenix was before the show. I'm going to be honest with you every once in a while. You know what? What is the gay part of Phoenix? Scottsdale? I can see that. A lot of Wyatt Earp mustaches out there.

I always said they should build a wall between Phoenix and Tempe. I don't know who's with me there. Okie dokie. Again, obviously, I didn't realize we were in Tempe here tonight. William, you look great. I love that you have a drink that matches. I look gray? Yeah, you have a drink that matches your hat and your shirt.

I look gray? Yeah, you have a drink that matches your hat and your shirt. I look gray? Like with skin color? Grape. Oh, I thought you said grape. No, you look orange. Whose skin color is gray? Grape? Grape?

You guys ready to start the show tonight or what? You guys ready to do it? William, you ready? I'm excited. Getting 60 seconds uninterrupted. And then being interviewed by me and my esteemed panel of cohorts up here. Goes by the name of Cam Sneed. Wow, big pop.

Big pop for Cam Sneed. Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for Cam, everyone. I literally just saw William press one button. I don't know if he's actually playing, but... playing, but... Alright. Hey, a little bit about me. My name is Cam with a K. My name is spelled with a K. My last name isn't with a K. That would be weird. I'm 19.

And if I'm being honest with you guys, I'm 26. And if I'm being too honest with you guys, even though I I'm 26 I'm still afraid to kiss girls whoa wow which I realize is you know it's kind of ironic because like you know I'm practically a Korean James Dean right guys no uh the reason I'm so cute is because I'm mixed. I'm Korean, black, and white. Korean, black, and white. But the white is silent.

For once. All right, well, there's that. Fuck yeah, Cam Snead, everybody. That was the sound of thunder at some point. Something fell from the ceiling. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what your witch doctor grandmother is doing to help your set

from the audience right now, but something just turned on. What is that, the air conditioner? Yeah, just the air conditioner. Jesus fucking Christ. Old ass building. That's the first show that's ever happened here. Comedians must love that when they're up there bombing.

Just air conditioning. My God. It's the loudest air conditioner ever. Cam, you should do stand up in front of air conditioners so that people can tell how loud their air conditioner is. AC likes me, huh? I love it. Cam Sneed, you're so much more Asian than you sound. And you sound Asian.

Oh, I like Asian James Dean. I like James Dean, but Asian. I also so black and so white. I just like all of y'all. We all one. We all united. Air conditioning activated.

It's real air conditioning. Alright. Cam, how long you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. Where at? All here in Phoenix?

Yeah, mostly out here, yeah. Okay, what do you do for work? Construction plumbing. Do you fix loud air conditioners? No. I wish. I wish I did. I wish, I wish I did.

They're loving the Asian accent. I wish I did. I wish, I wish I did. They're loving the Asian accent. I really am. It's the most fun accent to do. I know. A Nintendo! You want to know what the funniest word to say with an Asian accent is? Sure, you tell me. Blood sample. Okay, how do you say that?

Well, how would you say it? I don't want to do something that you're directing me to do. I don't know if you think this is like make-a-wish. I got one for you, Tony. No, it's all good. All right, so let's say it's a... No, okay. Exactly.

Thank you. There you go. What do your parents do? Which one's Korean, which one's black, and which one's white? This is the wonkiest threesome ever to make you. There you go. What do your parents do? Which one's Korean, which one's black, and which one's white? This is the wonkiest threesome ever to make you. My daddy's... I've heard of Manny Pacquiao, but I never heard of Boy Boy Pacquiao before. This is very youthful.

What's your dad? He's half Korean, half black. Whoa. Half Korean, half... My mom is all white. Wow. Look at that. Half Korean, half black. North Korean Half Korean. My mom is all white. Wow. Look at that. Half Korean. Half black. North Korean or South Korean?

Pretty sure he escaped from the North. Wow. Really? Holy shit. Motherfucking North Side. North Side represent. Who else? Anybody else make it out? Alright. What kind of construction do you do? You don't seem like a very construction-y type of guy.

What makes you say that? He does plumbing, though. He does plumbing construction. So he puts, like, totos and, like, toilets and stuff in, right? Totos? That's a Japanese toilet. Right. We all know that.

Yeah, plumbing, plumbing. Mostly plumbing? But, yeah, plumbing, you know, that's from the ground up. So I'm there before... Are you selling us on having plumbing right now? Yeah, yeah. Plumbing's an important thing. Trust me, better with it than without it. If you don't have it, it's not too late.

How long have you been doing that for? Three years. Is that the business that your father's in? Yeah, kind of. He does leak detection on pools. Leak detection? He's a detective. I got a leak.

I'm not going to tell you where it's at. I'll find it. Cam Snead trying to lay the pipe like a real plumber over here. So you ever gotten laid being the plumber? You know, there's this image in Americans' minds that ladies just basically, you know, shove stuff in their toilets just so that a fucking, so that a hunky plumber comes over

and then sometimes they answer the door and they're like, man, I hope it's a tall, handsome, whiter black man. I swear I'm just going to totally have sex with it. You come in like, I swear I white and black. I tall. I so tall and white and black. All right. You ever gotten laid on the job? Nope, nope, nope, nope. Come on. You ever gotten late on the job?

Nope, nope, nope, nope. Come on. You can tell us. This is a truth. We call this the truth chamber. Well, I'll tell you the truth is I don't like homeowners. That sentence could have went really bad. I don't know.

I was like, oh, man. I totally thought it was going weird. I don't like homos. Wait a second. That's very North Korean of you. Wow. I totally thought it was going weird. I don't like homos. That's very North Korean of you. What do you mean you don't like homeowners? Stick with me over here, Cam. Do not get distracted by the charismatic man to your right. Pay no attention to the guy that... All right, go ahead.

What do you mean you don't like homeowners? I just don't like dealing with them. They're all too picky. What I do is all before it even goes to the homeowners. I mean, you know, you want to talk about construction. When you say picky and that you only work before the homeowners, does that mean that you're really shitty at your job? Yeah, like only a little bit of the poop goes down.

I only work before people move in. When people move in, I don't deal with shit. All they do is complain because I'm not good at job. I'm sorry. I'm never going to be on Saturday Night Live after this. That's all I know.

My dreams have... What else, Cam? What's something that we would be interested to know about you? Do you have any special skills or talents? Perhaps jiu-jitsu or tai chi or karate or something. Anything at all? I don't know how to fight. I can...

Oh, don't do that. Red band. Red band. Red band. That is not nice. He has those on deck for any Asian person that comes up. That is not nice. If you get into a fight, do you go to the corner of the room and start low kicking? Like a shot fighter?

I feel like you were going to say something there, though, when I asked you if you have a special skill or a talent. Anything at all? I was just going to say I could sing, but... Oh, you can sing? Oh, shit. You guys ready for some fucking Filipino karaoke right now? Korean, white, and black. That's Filipino to me, damn it.

Drop a hot beat for me. All right. What are you going to sing tonight? You know Kiss from a Rose by Seal? Absolutely Oh my god Absolutely we do

You're gonna sing that? Everybody loves that song right? Yeah You wanna just go right into it? Alright Right now like this? Yeah You wanna do it like that

Or you want some background music Or something? Whatever you got for me I'm ready William Give him a Remix got for me. I'm ready. William, give him a... Remix!

Alright, can't... William, stop the music. I'm starting to think William doesn't know how to play that thing. Yeah, no, you're in good shape. Here you go. You ready? You better sing your fucking heart out there. You better lose that smile. You better get rid of that fucking smile. These people want to hear.

These people haven't been at a live concert in months. Now you're going to get to see an Asian guy sing. Start over. I didn't know it was going to start over. Start over. I didn't know it was going to start over. Start over? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Well, you kept talking.

Oh, there it is. There was a green tower alone on the sea. You were there. A light on the dark side of me Sing the fucking song, dude. Love remains Oh, there's the drug and not the pill There's the words, you idiot.

But did you know That when it snows My eyes become dark And the light that you shine Can be seen. Baby, I can pay you to. That's enough. You stop.

You cannot sing. I can't believe you did. You're the first person in the history of the show to lie to us. Hey, that felt like the fast version, if I'm being honest. Well, it wasn't. Sing it a lot slower. No, it was not a fast version. Cam.

Killing it at the Filipino bars. There he goes, Cam Sneed, getting it started, everybody. My God, let's move on. Good job, Cam. Good job at the interview part, at least. He's on social media, Cam Sneed, K-A-M underscore S-N-E-a-d you guys having fun yet you get it like i don't know we'll see what happens here 60 seconds uninterrupted wait oh here comes the cleaning guy everybody look at this fucking honk screech died but other saved by the bell people are still

alive here he is changing the microphone covers. What's his name? Who's the guy from Saved by the Bell? Oh, I'm Dustin. Mario Lopez, right? Yeah. Oh, the other one. Dustin Diamond, rest in peace, everyone.

It's tough. Every time I watched, I did that joke last week. There he goes. These sound people in Phoenix, I'm telling you. No, I'm kidding. You guys ready for more, huh? Pull another name out of the bucket. Could be anybody.

Could be someone's first time. Could be the best comedian in the history of Phoenix, Arizona. Who knows? Make some noise for Matt Walker. Here we go. Matt Walker coming to the... Frightening children's music coming out of William's keyboard. Hey, here he is, everybody. It's Matt Walker. All right.

Okay, all right. My dad said He knew I took after my mom Ever since I was a baby I said how can you tell He said you were always crying And I didn't know what you wanted from me Speaking of love

My girlfriend's here tonight She's older than me, but she looks really young, so when we go out in public, we get into these weird interactions. Like this one time, a lady came up to us. She was like, oh, you're such a creep. You're out here with this young girl, yada, yada, yada.

I said, wow. So you're just assuming that she's not mature for her age. Okay, all right, yeah, that's good. Fuck yeah. Matt Walker. I feel like Matt Walker snuck out of his bedroom tonight to come here.

Do your parents know that you're out right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How old are you? I'm 20 years old. 20 years old. Wow. What a little young buck you are. How long have you been doing stand-up for?

First time. First time ever, everybody. Oh, wow. Matt Walker coming in. Confident. You seem good up here on stage. You seem like you have experience. Do you act or anything?

I did theater in high school. Okay. What type of roles did you have? I don't know. I played the father in a lot of plays. Really? Yeah. I had braces, and was like 5'4".

Oh, my God. You do have that fatherly guy in theater in high school type of look. Damn it. We're getting a divorce. I need an 11-year-old to play 50. Let's go with Matt Walker. All right, Matt, what else? Tell us more about being a 20-year-old.

Where, Phoenix, born and raised? Yeah, Phoenix, born and raised. You have a job? Over the summer, I worked as a janitor at the Jewish Community Center. Oh, Jesus. What were you sweeping up? I know it wasn't loose change.

I literally... Oh, Jesus. What were you sweeping up? I know it wasn't loose change. I literally... That's why I'll never be on Saturday Night Live is because of that joke. Every one of you people are summoning demons out of me. What type of things would you find in your dustpan?

In your dustpan at a Jewish community center. Not much. I mostly did sanitizing for the coronavirus. You know you sound like a Republican. You know, Tony, I do a lot of the sanitizing. I just do what I can.

I love it. What are you talking about? What else would happen at that job? Are you Jewish? What? Are you Jewish? No, despite the, you know. Right.

No. It's interesting. You would think the Jewish people would make sure that a Jewish kid got that job, but they must laugh at the white man out there just like, ha, ha, ha. He looks pretty Jew-y, though. I know, yeah. man out there just like, ha ha ha. He looks pretty Jew-y though.

I know, yeah. Did you observe anything about the Jews, being around so many Jewish people, did you notice something about them? Like, she's a Jewish man? My God, you're asking like Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Bastards. How do they

move? What are their likes and dislikes? Ah, romance. Tell us more. Ah, that's a bingo. So tell us more about you, Matt Walker. You know, hanging out. No, I don't know. I promise.

It'd be so weird if I did, if I'm like Matt Walker. Loves crossword puzzles and masturbating into a lot of different things. How many TikTok followers do you have? Like 2,000. How many sea monkeys do you have? I have zero sea monkeys. So many sea monkeys. Zero sea monkeys.

Sheriff Shota. Sheriff Silverman. Sea monkeys and shindig. Suck it in. Suckatash. Alright. My goodness. Why do I feel like your chest goes in? Do you have an

innie chest? You know. Everyone croned like I'm right. I mean, you know. Very rarely on this show have I ever predicted an innie chest. This is the first time. I mean, it's like, it's not great, you know,

I don't work out or anything. It's like, I don't know. You have a girlfriend? I do, yeah, yeah,

yeah. How long have you two been together? Coming up on three years, March 3rd. Wow, where'd you guys meet? High school?

Yeah, high school, high school theater. Did you take her to a shady hawk-inch? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't know. high school theater. Did you take her to Shady Hawkins? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't know.

Okay. You guys are banging? You have sex? Sure. Yeah? Okay. That's a great answer. Sure. Whatever you want. When's the interview over? I don't know. It depends if her parents are watching.

Wait, your parents are here? No, but if they see this later. Oh, shit. What's her favorite position? Doggy style. What is her favorite position? Go ahead and tell us. Good old-fashioned missionary.

I bet it is. My guess is that's the only option you get when you're with Matt Walker. I love how he rolls with the punches. Very good, Matt. Very good. My goodness. What does she do?

She runs, like, a Depop shop. Depop? What? Like, it's like an ad. Like, she, like, resells clothes. Depop? Is it like K-pop, but, like, Denmark people or some shit? Isn't that the doctor on CNN?

D-Bop? I know. It is. Best-selling author. I am D-Bop. All right. Why I'm so racist today. Why did he turn into C-3PO? I am D-Bop.

What the fuck is D-Bop, dude? It's like an app. You're talking to us like we're 20. I'm sorry. What the fuck is Depop, dude? It's like an app. You're talking to us like we're 20. I'm sorry. It's like an app on your iPhone where you resell clothes, and that's it.

Yeah. Oh. That's how the app is. My goodness. All right. Matt, you have any great fears or things that scare you that you think are a little bit weird? You have a repeating nightmare or anything like that? I do have a fear of coyotes.

Have you been near a coyote? Yeah, I got chased by one with my brother. Do you mean like the animal or the Mexican smuggling? The animal. Like, is that what freaks you out? I think there's some coyotes in here. Smells like Chipotle. Come on, man.

I would never admit out loud that those scare me. But no, yeah, the animal. You know, coyotes are just bitch ass dogs. You know, you can like you could snap your fingers and they'll run away from you. Yeah, well, that's what I was running from the gas station, running back, and then, like, I was with my brother, and then we, like, started running away from it, right? Started running at us.

And that's when I, like, realized that my brother was faster than me. Little brother. So I was like, oh, shit. Is your brother Owen Wilson? Yeah. Yep. How fast was the coyote? It was pretty fast, but I threw my big gulp at it.

Did you hear that? What? Did you hear that? No. No. Oh. Wow, good acting. That's that high school.

So what happened? What happened after you? You see that? He acted like a dad. What did the coyote do? What was the big gulp of? That's the real question. Because I heard coyotes love a good Dr. Pepper.

It was Dr. Pepper. Wow. Look at that. Look at that. That's what happens when Tony guesses something right. It was a Dr. Pepper. It was a Dr. Pepper. It was a Dr. Pepper. And did the coyote stop and drink it?

Was it confused? Well, I don't know if it stopped. This is awesome. Fuck yeah, dude. I'm a coyote. All right. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know if it stopped or ran away,

but we were running and looking over our shoulder. Oh, yeah. The doctor saved the day. That's right. Dr. Pepper. All right. Anything else crazy we should know about you, Matt Walker? You work at a haunted house sometimes in late October.

Am I right? You've ever worked in a haunted hayride or something like that? I'm getting haunted hayride vibes from you right now. No, no, no. Yeah. Also, maybe fingering on a Ferris wheel type of guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Kind of that look.

Does your girl like that? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, sir. She only likes it when missionary positions. Yeah, man. All right. So much fun, Matt. Congrats.

The first time ever on stage, you did it in front of a sold-out audience. Thanks, guys. The best comedy club in all of Phoenix. Stand up live here at whatever wacky plaza this is. Matt Walker's on social media at mattwalker3 underscore. I hope his or her parents do see this. Oh, they're totally going to. It's going to be great.

They're going to show them. They're going to be like, listen kids, we heard you're only fucking missionary physician. So we're going to show you how to fuck. And they're just going to fuck right in front of them. Keep looking at me, Matt. Keep looking at me, Matt Walker.

Watch me while I fuck you all. Were you in high school plays? Were you guys in the plays? No, not at all. I was in some high school plays. Yeah. No, I look like I was in some high school plays. You were, right?

Yeah, definitely. Now, I was in the Christmas play when I was in first grade. I was the star of the play. Wow. But I wasn't the actual star. I was just a star. I was a decoration. I was really excited.

Then they just put a piece of yarn over my neck that had a star and the star was in my chest. They're like, Tony, you just stand in the corner the whole time. I'm not even kidding. Sounds like a joke, but it's not. It's not as funny as a joke, but it sounds like a joke. Sounds like a bad joke.

Hey, are you guys having fun out there? Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola spice. Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors.

Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. This episode is brought to you by Starbucks. Welcome back winter with a Starbucks drink in hand. Whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew, or in the mood to shake things up with the new iced hazelnut O'Shaken espresso. Need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals.

You've got this. Pulling another name out of the bucket, make some noise for Adam Benjamin. Here he comes, Adam Benjamin. Thank you. So I just had an employee call me and say he wasn't going to finish new higher orientation. He couldn't get through the multicultural diversity training. He said his policy is if I can't spell it,

I'm not participating in it, which I thought was pretty cool, but I never would have guessed this guy could have spelled incestuous. So getting through multicultural diversity training, you know, it's always really hard because you hear about all these things that certain groups of people can say that you can't get away with. For example, you know, Tony can say fag. My ex-mother-in-law can say fucking cunt. you know Tony can say fag my ex-mother-in-law can say fucking cunt and the one thing that black people can say that white people just can't get away with we all know what that is my life matters and yeah so so I think that this show though they do a great job of promoting

diversity they always like to bring a woman comic up at the end if there hasn't been one on the show. But I don't know if that's about diversity or if it's because it reminds Red Band of his honeymoon. You know, him in the corner with Tony standing there yelling to a crowd full of men, or a room full of men, Hey, is she coming? I can't see. Is she coming? Is she coming?

Jesus Christ. Adam Benjamin. What was that? What did you think was gonna happen there? Did you think the crowd was gonna fucking carry you off? Just toss your little spicy meatball ass around as fucking

crowd surfing. Like, I can't believe you had the balls to make fun of them, dude. What was that? It was frightening. How many times a week do you go to human resources? How many times? I am human resources.

You are adorable. Look at you. Look at you, you little fucking thing you. What's up? I like your style, dude. What do you do for work, Adam? I'm a construction manager. Hell yeah, you are. You have a Chevy Silverado? Fucking A, right? I'm a construction manager. Hell yeah, you are. You have a Chevy Silverado? Fucking A, right?

God damn it. It has begun, everybody. He's dialing in. How can he guess Dr. Pepper and Chevy Silverado? Did I get my sound on that? Yeah. I didn't even hear it. So Chevy Silverado, do you have a special step that you have to use, obviously, to get in it? Like a special handle on the side?

Yeah, we usually use the black, white, Asian plumbers to stand up on. Oh, Jesus Christ. Adam Benjamin is half comedian, half racist. He just found the perfect show that lets it all fly here. Adam, what is your least favorite race, if you don't mind me asking? I'm just kidding. Just kidding, Adam. We all know what it is.

Where were you born and raised? Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Now, go ahead. Tell me. I actually just flew down today from Washington State. Washington State. All right. What part? Euphrates? Tacoma. Tac me. I actually just flew down today from Washington State. Washington State. All right. What part?

Euphrates? Tacoma. Okay. All right. Cool. There you go. That's the sound of Tacoma right there. A little sound of home for you.

All right. Born and raised in Tacoma? Yep. How many times have you left Tacoma? I've been everywhere. You've been everywhere. Travel a lot for work, yeah. Okay.

And your work, again, is... Construction. Just regular old construction? Underground utilities. Civil infrastructure. Nice. Damn, underground utilities. A lot of plumbers here tonight.

A lot of plumbers trying to make their job sound fancier than it is. I work in construction. Don't ask me which department. We're building shit. I work in construction. Don't ask me which department. We're building shit. I mean, stuff. You ever, like, dig up some, like,

old ancient bones, you know, and you're like, oh, we better not let anyone know about this ancient burial ground. Yeah, we better not let anyone know about that ancient burial ground. Insert racial slur, burial ground. Was there just, like, a Jedi mind trick that happened?

Yeah, I don't know what that was Did he just trick you? I don't know But I like when he laughs I know, his tits jiggle when he laughs How about your love life, Adam Benjamin? You seem like the kind of guy that loves to, uh, rape You have a girlfriend at home, you seem like the kind of guy that loves to rape.

You have a girlfriend at home? You dating? I was divorced about a year ago. Okay. All right. How long were you with her for? 16 years. Okay.

Wow. Well, there you go. And this happened recently, right? So what are we talking about now? What have you been doing since then? What's the rebound pussy game looking like for a guy shaped like a fucking barrel fire?

I've just been I got two kids. I got a two-year-old and a five-year-old, so I've just been Are they under your shirt right now? Ursing. Two-year-old and a five-year- i've just been focused are they under your shirt right now nursing two year old and a five year old and you're the you you have custody huh i do not know okay you're just like it's really hard every other weekend bro really just trying to put it all together man between all the hard work and two days every 14 days. Just trying to keep the whole ship afloat. You know?

When I pick them up on Friday... They're in the car. I gotta go. This better not be your weekend. I'm gonna be so pissed if there's kids out there right now sitting outside of a fucking Copperhead Blues watching.

The gal at CVS seemed trustworthy. What? The gal at CVS seemed trustworthy. Yeah. That's the good part of having a Chevy Silverado is two and five-year-olds are scared to jump out of it. Like they'll open the door and they'll be like, no, we should wait. They don't have to open the door when they ride in the back. All right. There you go. Adam, making everything

a little bit more creepy than it has to be. So tell us, have you been on dates since then? What are we talking about? Let's get some real dirt. No dates, nope. Just been working things out. When's the last time you made out with a girl other than your wife?

17 years ago. Wow, really? It's a shame that it's COVID. We used to do a segment on the show where we would ask if there's a beautiful woman in the audience that'd be willing

to kiss this guy for the first time in 17 years. But now, I don't know, I know you guys didn't hear about this Phoenix, but there is a global pandemic happening. You guys still want it somehow, but again, I don't

think you really understand. It's probably illegal. Unless there was a woman that has already had the vaccine. She's really old though. She's like 75. Yeah. I just got my second shot today. Let's fuck. Adam would be excited.

Adam would be excited. Stop pointing at this innocent young lady. Adam. So, wow. innocent young lady. Adam, so, wow. God damn it. Man, that really sucks. Is there a man that's had the vaccine that perhaps

would be willing to mouth kiss Adam? No, William, don't do it. No, don't do it. Oh, no. William, sit down. Sit down. Get back to your station. I've had the vaccine no you haven't William sit back on the stool just stay on the stool

Jesus Christ these people they join the band they start losing their fucking minds I would like to see maybe like William put a carrot stick in his belly button and try to transfer it to his belly button maybe though does anybody have a carrot stick? Can we please get a carrot?

Excuse me, sir. Can you go back and grab a carrot stick for us, please? Thank you so much. How about a big hand for the Stand Up Live staff? Can we get some carrot stick transfer music queued up here? There's got to be a special song for that. Do you guys need some ranch or something? Oh, I think William's got it dialed up

actually. Hold on. Let's just wait for the carrot. This is carrot waiting music actually. It's the kind of music you put on when you're waiting for a waiter to deliver a single baby carrot. Is it happening? I hope right now he's fumbling around with it. Perhaps we can get a couple different sides.

No carrots? Whoa! Oh, my God! Where the hell did you... Wow! What county fair did you steal? Ladies and gentlemen, it turns out this is what your penis looks like

if you're Korean, black, and Asian. I fucked that up. Korean, black, and white. Look white. I fucked that up. Korean, black, and white. Look at that thing. That is not true. That is not what my dick look like. Cam Sneed, everybody. Okay.

So this is a... This is not going to fit, I don't think. Wow. Dr. Redman. Well, I don't know. I mean, you might have a gaper, you know? Can we see your belly button real quick, Adam? Just flash us your belly button.

We've already seen Williams. I know Williams can actually... Williams can handle that. Yeah, I can fit that in my belly button. I know we can... I can fit half of that fucking thing in my belly button. There's still a leaf on it. There's a tiny little leaf there at the end.

This thing, like... I just went and picked this thing. Oh, fuck. They were not prepared for this at all. They're like, someone, baby carrot, fast! It's like... All right, let's just see. Just lift up your shirt, someone, baby carrot, fast. It's like... Alright, let's just see. Just lift up your shirt a little bit real quick, Adam.

I'm going to see. Let's do it. Let's just do it. Oh, I don't know, dude. This guy... It's like an Asian belly button. It's got a little Tony Hinchcliffe belly button there. Here, let's see if we can... Oh, man.

This is too weird. William, here. I feel like this is illegal. Here, you do it. You do it. Oh, my God. You do it. Put down your sprite.

This is... This show's so stupid. All right, all right, all right. This is the dumbest thing in podcast history. It would have been great if we had a baby carrot, though. That would have been perfect. Like, if we could transfer it from belly button to belly button. I mean, when's the last time you even saw a carrot that big?

I think that's how you make baby carrots. It's like they've been waiting. It's like Carrot Top was here. Carrot Cock. Anyway. All right, Adam. Too much fun. I really wish that the B side of this carrot

would have fit in your belly button, but it turns out you have them. The belly button is your tiniest feature. Very rarely does that work out that way. But thank you so much, Adam. Thank you. Thanks for coming on. There he goes, Adam Benjamin.

Adam Benjamin. He's at Adam Benjamin, it says. There's no underscore there or anything. Can't imagine he got that name. William showing off a very hearty, still has a very hardy, deep, unorthodox belly button. It is really deep. I don't know if you all noticed, but I got like a third of that thing in my belly button. My belly button is hurting right now.

Really bad. I don't know if you all saw. I got like a third of that thing. He did. I saw it. In my belly button. Did you notice that? I saw it. I thought you had a did you notice that? I saw it.

I thought you had a kangaroo pouch. Kangaroo pouch? That goes deep, man. Kangaroo pouch? Kangaroo pouch. Okay. The pouch. How about a big hand?

Give me that fucking carrot now. How about a big hand for the sound guy, Aaron, everybody up here helping us out. He's doing it. Your next comedian goes by the name of Emilio Figueroa. Emilio. Emilio Figueroa. Here he is. Come on, guys.

Put your hands together for Emilio. Just start it off? Okay. Hey, guys. Hey guys, first off, I'm not Hawaiian. I'm just a fat Mexican. I was recently told I look like the Mexican Benjamin Franklin. So I guess that means I belong on the 100 peso bill. Yeah, I didn't discover electricity, but I discovered elote. Mexicans drink their Coca-Cola warm because they're afraid of ice. Hey, you guys know who always gets laid on the first date? Necrophiliacs.

But they don't need game or finesse. They don't need a wine and dine, but they do need a shovel. Imagine if there's a gay necrophiliac. First off, that's one picky motherfucker. Emilio Figueroa. Welcome to the show, Emilio. This is very exciting.

This is the first time in the show's history in which someone pulled out of the bucket has been the long-lost brother of the guest of the show. I love it. Oh, no. Now I got COVID. Dustin Ybarra, meet your brother, Justin Ybarra. I like it. We're both shitty Aquaman. It's very bad.

I love it. So, Emilio Aquaman. It's very bad. I love it. So, Emilio, let's get it started here. How long have you been married to Danny DeVito? Well, I guess... It's okay. You don't have to answer that. How long have you looked like a tiny Andre the Giant? Maybe like eight months or something.

Which season of Narcos did you get killed in? Two. I love it. I love it. So welcome to the show, boy Polo Malu. How old are you? How old are you, Emilio? I'm 24. 24 years old. Born and raised here in Phoenix?

Yeah. What do you do? I do DoorDash and I mainly try to focus on comedy. Hell yeah. DoorDash. That explains you. You dress pretty nice for a DoorDash guy. This guy gives me Night Stalker vibes. I don't know about you guys.

He never said what he... I think he's just going to women's doors and then dashing. I don't think he works for the actual app. You have a little bit of a creepy vibe, but you also seem like a good person. I haven't quite made my mind up about you. You're very well dressed. You're dressed like a good person. I haven't quite made my mind up about you. You're very well dressed. You're dressed like a... You're dressed how

the... You're dressed how Matt Walker sounds. It seems like you should have a cigar or something. It's very Jehovah's Witness at a bar type of vibe. It's interesting. It looks like you just watched a season of

Succession and decided that that's how white people dress. It looks like you made money on Robin Hood for a week. Yeah. Old fucking diamond hands over here. Hell yeah. So what do you do for fun? You seem like a guy that definitely has hobbies. I know that you probably have a pet snake.

Am I correct? No, I got three dogs. Three dogs? One of my favorite rappers. Yeah. Then I mainly focus on comedy, and I like to meditate sometimes. Wait, what just happened there? Did you just yawn for a second?

Did anybody else hear that? I like to just hold in a yawn on the show. Are you tired? I get the feeling that your three dogs are all huskies of some kind. One of them is a German Shepherd Husky mix. Thank you.

Where's my thing at? What are the other two? I got the other one's a Chihuahua, and then the other one's a Mutt. Poodle-Carran-Terrier mix. A Poodle what mix? Carran-Terrier mix. Carran?

Terrier mix. A Carran-Terrier? Yeah, that's what they told me. That sounds horrible. What does the dog do? Just complain all the time? Can I see the manager? Yeah.

Asks for a different type of food? Refuses to wear a mask? All right. So when you're a door duster, have you ever, you know, been driving around kind of hungry? You're like, you know, I'm going to eat some of these fries. No, no. Bullshit. I did that Uber Eats and I got fired.

You did that for Uber Eats and got fired? Yeah, I didn't deliver a meal, you know, because I wasn't going to get tipped. So I was like, fuck this guy. And I just, you know. Just ate it. How did you know you weren't going to get tipped? Because you could tell on the app. It'll show you whether or not you're going to get tipped.

What was the restaurant? I hate that. It was Buca de Bebo. Oh, fuck, man. What was it, chicken parmesan? No, I forget what it was exactly. No, you don't. That's garbage food.

How do you forget the meal that got you fired? There was cheesecake in it. I know there was cheesecake. I remember that. It was cheesecake? Yeah. Oh, you dirty motherfucker. Not only did you eat their entree, you ate their dessert too, bro.

Motherfucker. That is cold fucking blooded, man. That's some Pablo Escobar shit. Yeah. That's the kind of life he lives, though. Look how he's dressed for a DoorDash guy. He's like, oh, cheesecake. I earned this.

Fucking hell, Emilio. That's absolutely goddamn incredible. What else? Were there appetizers? Was there a salad course in this DoorDash meal? The main dish and the cheesecake.

That's good. That's better than Olive Garden, right? No. It's very controversial. It depends on what you're asking. That's garbage food, man. They're like family style, right? Brad Pitt's about to cry right now. No, but...

No, but he fucking says that about all of us. We're going to have a... It's good. I love the Torre Vitelli. It's like cafeteria food. Yeah, yeah. There's certain perks. I mean... So how much cocaine can we buy from you tonight? Unfortunately, none.

Emilio, do you do illegal illicit drugs? No, but I like psychedelics. I think those are awesome. Oh, man. Really? What kind of psychedelics have you done? I've done acid, shrooms. Have you had a bad

trip? Yeah, I have. What happened? Huh? What happened? Well, you know, just like uncomfortable. You get like the paranoia, you know, and you get uncomfortable visions or hallucinations. Like ice and stuff? Yeah, exactly, exactly.

I used to set my door. I love it. All right, Emilio. Well, fun times, man. How long have you been on stand-up? Did I ask you that? Well, I've been doing it

for about a year on and off, but about four months consistently. Four months starting now? Like four months ago? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

All right. That's cool. So you really started in the middle of a pandemic. Yeah, pretty much. Wow. Well, actually, I started right before

like March when the shutdown happened. And so then I had to just stop. Have you gotten the coronavirus yet? No. Really? Yeah. Huh.

Why do you think that is? I don't know. I guess it's getting me into this. I don't know. Getting in contact with someone who has it. You use head and shoulders? No. He's a pro guy. That's a pro guy.

Well, Emilio, so likable. You have such a great charisma. I don't know what the fuck you even talked about on stage tonight. You're very charismatic and a fun interview. Thank you so much for coming on. There he goes, Emilio Figueroa. Want to travel

the world? International Experience Canada provides opportunities for young Canadians to get a work permit in over 35 countries and territories. Visit Canada.ca slash IEC. A message from the Government of Canada. On to the next one. You know, that's a lot of bucket pools. Maybe we should do

a special treat, huh? You guys like special treats? Oh, you're going to like this one, too. Ladies and gentlemen, this young man is Phoenix's own, everybody. I don't know how many of you have been to Kill Tony's here in Phoenix. How many of you have been to a live Kill Tony before? Wow, very cool. How many of you have been to a live Kill Tony before?

Wow, very cool. And you probably know this young man, an absolute record setter of a comedian on this show's history because he was the youngest ever Golden Ticket winner, which means he can show up at any Kill Tony anywhere in the world and debut a brand new minute. There's only been five, six, or seven in the entire world, one in Australia, one in England, and five here in America. This is one of the five.

He won a golden ticket his first time on the show a day before his 21st birthday. Two days later, he cashed in his golden ticket again at the Comedy Store in West Hollywood a day after his 21st birthday. He's Phoenix's own, the great Tristan Bowling, everybody, at New Minute. From the ridiculously talented Tristan Bowling, everybody, at New Minute. From the ridiculously talented Tristan Bowling. Woo! Oh my goodness! Kill Tony, how we doing, huh? Yeah!

Two fun facts about me. Two fun facts. One, I've never been in a fight. You get it, you know? I'm not like a, fuck you, say, type of guy. Never been in a fight. You get it. I'm not like a fuck you say type of guy. Never been in a fight. Two, I've never sucked a dick. Less believable.

I know that. For a fact. I know. I look like I got knee pads in the car. Just in case I need to slide into first position. No, but I've never been in a fight, never sucked a dick. But if one happens, I'm doing the other as self-defense. You know what I mean?

You know? What would stop a fight more? Like some dudes coming out of a TGI Friday is like, yeah, me and my friends are going to fuck you up. You're sitting there, you're like, oh yeah I'm gonna suck your dicks Thank you There it is, exactly a minute A trademark of regulars and golden ticket winners A keen internal clock.

Tristan Bolling, welcome back to the show. Oh, it's so good to be here. I haven't been here in a minute, man. Since your first time on, you've been on this show numerous times, but it has been a long time. I believe your last appearance was what? Kill Tony Mania, 2019, October perhaps? October 2019. Yeah, last time I was here in the flesh.

I love your race car jacket. Thank you. I bet it goes perfect with your race car bed. Oh! Newly single, who wants to go home to that race car bed, huh? That's true. In fact, no, you were on one of the quarantine episodes.

That's right. We had you on live via the internet, and you had a girlfriend, so you guys broke up? Yeah. How long did you date for? Eight months. Which, it doesn't seem like a long time, but when you're in quarantine, you're with them every day and have

no excuse not to be. So just like, ah, fuck. I guess we're sleeping over. When did the breakup happen? On our eight-month anniversary. When was that? It was... Thank you. are you her? No, it was November, it was December 1st, November 30th that night.

Wow, you have it down, you have it really down. Yeah, dude, I got nothing else going on. I can count the seconds. Happened the night of November 30th, but I felt the pain on December 1st. Do you miss her? Is she dating somebody else? I do.

I swore ever since that December started that I would always dress like it's Christmas time every day after that. I said, she's not going to ruin my Christmas. It's going to last all 2021. I look like the only emo wiggle. I don't even know what that means. The wiggles? Come on, Fruity Alley Yummy Yummy? It's going to last all 2021. I look like the only emo wiggle. You know? I don't even know what that means.

The wiggles? Come on. Fruity, yummy, yummy. I'm from a different generation. I didn't have the fucking. Y'all stink. Teletubbies and shit. Munchie cheese.

What was that? Nothing. Do you miss her? Is she with a new person? I have no clue. Yeah, right. Dude, I literally. Red Band always thinks how he lives.

You're right. You would need French fries. You'd break up with somebody. You'd check their Instagram. No, no, I haven gone. Red Band always thinks how he lives. You're right. You would need French fries. You'd break up with somebody. You'd check their Instagram. No, no, I haven't. I really, I've been off like Instagram and everything. And like our photos are still on Instagram because she's like kind of a stalkery type. And I don't want her to see that I deleted them and then call me like, what the fuck? But like at the same time, what the fuck?

Why'd you break up with me? Fuck you. Does she sound like that? Does she sound like a dude when she says what the fuck what the fuck she's six eight it's fucking no uh wow you know she's not we should find some of the audience and take a photo together and put it on your instagram so it looks like you're with a new girl right now oh that makes me uncomfortable william what are you doing william what are you doing? William, what are you doing? Go back to your stool, William.

Go back to the stool. So Tristan famously, from his first appearance ever since then, has always taken the time because he killed it his first time on the show with a freestyle rap. And ever since then, he's always given a little rap performance. A little rap. I believe he's prepared something for this audience here tonight. Oh, come on.

I'm sure these racists love hip-hop music. Am I correct? Oh, I wrote this on my work break today. Wow. Fuck you, I did. Fight me. There you go. Sir, relax, sir.

The same guy that won't shut up. Every two seconds, this guy is saying something. Oh, Brian, take the gloves off. See my left ear, constantly, yeah. All right, red band, red band. Snap into a Slim Jim. Ladies and gentlemen, giving his performance of a song he wrote today. By the way, he wrote that really on your lunch break?

Yeah, it's not too long. Tell these people where you work. I work at Trader Joe's off of Arrowhead. So, yeah, come get your organics from me. I'll break your eggs, pussies. All right, here he is. What's the name of the song? It's just a Kill Tony thing.

All right, here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Tristan Bowling. All right. Here it is. Oh, shit. Turn it up here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Tristan Bowling. All right. Here it is. There's a... Oh, shit. Turn it up a little bit. Turn it up.

Up, up, up, up. That's the opposite of up. What is... That is the exact opposite of up. Yeah, is it up there? Can we start this shit over? Cam got, like, three runs of... Can we go this shit over? Cam got like three runs of... Can we go louder on the... Maybe the main or something?

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Never seen a pussy didn't like. Call me a dyke. Aunt killed Tony.

The hoes are rolling. The ticket is golden. Emotional sweat. Hey. Oh, I fucked it up already. Oh, I fucked a dyke. Uncle Tony, the hoes are rolling. The ticket is golden. Emotional sweat. Oh, I fucked it up already. Oh, I fucked it up already. Let's do it again. Can we run it from the top? This is what happens when you work on something for six hours. Welcome to another episode of white freestyle rapping, everybody. Such great tracks as

Ooh, I fucked it up. Can we take it from the top? Perhaps you've heard some of the incredible hip-hop white freestyle raps. Cam couldn't even sing the song that was wrote. A lot of my favorite songs were written on a lunch break at Trader Joe's.

I think that's how the RZA works. All right. All right. I really hope this goes well. Fuck me, man. i really hope this goes well fuck me man i really hope this goes well uh all right all right okay yeah never seen a pussy didn't like uh call me a dyke on kill tony this show is a rolling my ticket is golden it's like an emotional switch with the coveted shit got me in my room and i'm lonely as shit. No bitch on my dick with no money, no fans, no nothing. Just bars. It's my shit.

Hey, kill Tony, Tony the homie. Bully to me when he barely know me. Gave me a golden ticket. Now he gonna show me the benefits of working hard before 20. No motherfucker, I ain't in it for the money. I'm just kind of funny. Looking for a honey, kind of cunning. With the bracket of bad bitches. The back of the band, bitch of the kiln. The fan station. When they gonna pull me? Hey, kill Tony.

Kill Tony. That's it. You they gonna pull me? Hey, kill Tony. Kill Tony. That's it. You know what? I like it, buddy. You turned it all around. Oh. You know what? I very rarely, in fact, I've never done this before in the history of the show, but you

know what? You've won a golden ticket before, and now you have won the Phoenix Carrot. There he is. Oh, that was in William's belly button. I taste the belly button. I taste your belly button. It's blue cheese and ranch mixed together. That's impressive.

Branch. Guys, how loud can this place get for the great Tristan Bowling, huh? Legend on this show. 22 years old. He's been at it for years already. He's very

talented. He opened up here. He opened up my stand-up show yesterday. He did 10 minutes. Really good job. Oh, yeah. Here he is, everybody. Here he is, everybody. Here he is.

The man everybody wants. This is it. If you're wondering how COVID, the land that COVID goes to to die, it's right here. Here he is. Look at this. He doesn't even know which one's the clean one and which one's the dirty one now. He's just fucking wiping shit down.

He wipes it good. No, this guy's good. It's totally safe wiping shit. What? He wipes it good. No, this guy's good. It's totally safe. This is Anthony Fauci's grandson. Anthony Fauci the third. It's like William's condom. There you go. Oh, wow. Look at the stroke on this fucking guy.

He's like, you know what, Tony? Keep making fun of me and you won't get one of these handjobs. Here we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of Derek C. Derek C. Suspiciously short last name. It's the letter C. Here comes Derek.

I believe that's Derek. I like this song, William. You're really killing it. Thank you so much. I recorded this two days ago. Come on, make some noise for Derek C., everybody. So the synthetic urine industry is a weird industry, right? I had a guy, he handed me this box today. He was like, hey, bro, this is for you. And I was like, what the fuck is this?

And he told me, that's fake pee so you can do drugs, bro. And I was like, thanks. Yeah, that's all I got right now. Yeah, that's all I got right now. I feel like everybody that listened to Marilyn Manson in the late 90s is on meth now. Yeah. That's all I got. All right, all right, all right.

Derek C. Giving it his all. Prepared 31 seconds worth of material for us here tonight. I had more, but I kind of seized up there. That was my fault. What happened? Do you remember it now? Yeah.

Yeah? Go ahead. Do it. Oh, okay. now yeah yeah go ahead do it okay so um back to the synthetic urine industry you know wait the what no one knows what you're saying synthetic urine synthetic urine i have to enunciate bro fake p you have to pretend like these people are all police officers talking back on the fake p industry, you know, I feel like

it would be hard for me to go in there and there just doesn't seem like a big variety of fake penises there for me to choose from, you know, because there's either the white dicks or the big black dicks, you know.

I don't know if they have one that suits me so i'd never i wouldn't feel comfortable just going in and asking you got one that matches my skin tone or stop stop stop jesus fucking christ there i mean my god There's actually some pretty funny stuff in there, believe it or not. But I don't think the part that was supposed to be funny was the funny part. It was either the white dicks or the big black dicks. It's like, why do they have to be big and black? You mean even the fake penises? They make the black ones bigger?

I've never seen that. I thought you worked in the business. You're lying about working with synthetic urine? I'm saying I know there's an industry for it. I think it's fucking bizarre. Why is your hat so small? I don't know.

How long have you... Did that hat come with a spinny thing on top? Did you take it off at some point? Why is that hat so small, dude? I don't know. Answer the fucking question right now. It fits my fucking head, all right.

It doesn't fit your head. Take it off for a second. It doesn't. It's too small for your head. Look at that fucking noggin. It stretches. Put it in. Put it on again.

Put it on. Put it in. What? I like that hat. Turn your chin that Put it on again. Put it in. What? I like that. Turn your chin that way a little bit. This way. It's very Selena's brother. It's tiny, dude.

It's like a Babe Ruth hat or something like that. Are you an old-timey baseball player? Is that from Build-A-Band, perhaps? No, no, no. My goodness. Look at that. You can dress like Dave Vettel, but you cannot write

like Dave Vettel. I'll tell you right now. Derek, this is your first time trying stand-up comedy. Please tell me it is. Yeah, I've never done it. Thank God. For the love of God.

There you go. Derek, see, last thing you want to find out is that he's been doing it for seven years after. Yeah, this is bizarre. This is bizarre for me. Is it something you've always wanted to do?

I'm a big fan of Kill Tony. I've been watching it for the last couple of years. I love it. That's what made you want to do it? You heard all those people and you're like, I can fucking do this shit. Yeah. I saw there were shows here and then we

got the tickets. I love it. So you started writing as soon as you found out that the shows were coming? I actually wrote that outside the gate right here. Okay. Have you recently used synthetic urine for a job? Is that why you were talking about it? A friend of mine gave me a box today. What's it taste like?

Why does it come in a box and not a bag? It's like a box wine. I feel like a box is in a great container. It's a box and it comes with a bottle of fake pee and then like something to break to warm it up so that maybe you want to put it in your pocket before you use it. It's got a bag in it. There's a box with a bag. It's like boxed wine. Yeah. Have you ever used fake pee before for a job back in Ohio?

Are you talking to me? Yeah, I did. I had to do it once. For what job? Yeah, I did. I had to do it once. For what job? Gateway computers. Wow. Oh, my God. Yeah.

And it was just like, it was weird because it was old school technology where you just drank a bunch of this shit and then you peed out only that shit, supposedly. I got a funny story about that as well. Do you really? Now you're going to start being funny. Do you really, Derek? Let's hear this funny story about that as well. Do you really? Oh, now you're going to start being funny. Do you really, Derek? Let's hear this funny story, Derek. And make sure, hey, look, look at me. Talk right into the tip of the microphone.

Keep it there the whole time and enunciate. I will, I will. Go ahead. Alright, so when I was 19, I was on probation for drugs and I had to yeah, yeah, so I had to drug test, and try to figure out how I could still smoke weed, and take this drug test, and pass it, so in an effort to do that, I went to the smoke shop, and the guy sold me,

it was a shot, which was about neon green and two green pills. And the instructions for that were to take the pills, wait half an hour, drink a gallon of water, take the shot. And then as you take your UA, you're supposed to catch it midstream, you know. midstream, you know, but the thing that happened was, and I didn't account for, was that it turned my piss like neon green, like bright green, like radioactive green, it was fucking weird, and so I handed it to the lady, right, and she had it in a row of other peas, and there were a variety of colors, and mine was the only one that was green. Damn, right there. That's funnier than the shit you said, man. That's funnier than your minute. That's real. That's incredible. I didn't pass that.

You probably saw that it was a weird color. That's fucking hilarious. Everyone else has fucking regular yellow piss cups and his looks like William's Sprite bottle. Wow, that's fucking crazy. Tell us more about you, Derek.

What were you on probation for at the age of 19? I beat up my brother. You beat up your brother? Yeah, he was trying to stab me like Baraka with two knives. He had two knives? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my goodness gracious. And then, so.

Was this in your house, in your parents' house? Yes, and I didn't mean to, but he was trying to stab me. And then when the cops showed up, they arrested me instead. So, yeah. So, he came at you with two

knives and you just beat him up? Yeah, yeah. See, moments like this make me wish I knew the Mexican side of my family. You know? I feel like I missed out on some shit. He tried to stab me. Then he tried to shoot me.

And his friends were there and they took all the evidence. This guy fucking sucks at killing people. And I'm not Mexican. I'm Native American. Two. Two. Oh, God. I'm sorry.

Native American? Oh, shit. That goes to my SNL. When you say he tried to shoot you, are we talking about with a bow and arrow? Yeah. American. Native American? Oh, shit. When you say he tried to shoot you, are we talking about with a bow and arrow? Yeah. Yeah. My goodness. What an embarrassing way to die that would be. I drove down here from Tucson, Arizona and my girlfriend

over here, she goes to the U of A. What are you doing? Giving out shout outs over here? Native American? Dating a college student? Do you help her get a scholarship? She's also Native American She has her own scholarship

She's Native American, she has her own scholarship Are you guys of the same tribe? Are you guys allowed to fuck if you're in the same tribe? Doesn't that mean You guys are going to make Special Indians or something? The kid just won't stop beating on the drum all day? I don't know, man.

Hey, this is fucking cool. This is fucking cool. You and your girlfriend smoke pot? You guys get high-y-y-y-y-y? Come here and hit this shit. I actually quit. During the new year, I just stopped. I was smoking too much.

My tolerance was way too high. Funny thing that happened, though, was I started smoking CBD, right? Uh-huh, CBD. And I must have gotten the wrong fucking strand. And don't let them think that it's all just anti-anxiety, because that shit was giving me panic attacks like a motherfucker.

It gave you a panic attack? Yeah. My goodness. CBD did? Yeah. You pussy. They sell CBD at the grocery store, man.

Go get the Hawaiian haze. Ask them for Hawaiian haze. Do you have the full headdress and everything like that? Do you ever go crazy? No. Yeah, I'm so smokedokee, Boise, Dakota.

I was actually talking to my dad the other day, and I told Larry I was eating Indian food, and he's like, what are you talking about, venison? Thought you meant Native American. But it was the other kind of Indian. It was like some sag paneer. Okay. I actually think

Sag Paneer went on earlier in this show. Let's talk more with Derek here. What are some Native American things about you? Any traditions or anything like that that we should know about? No. You know any special tribal dances or any special Indian things? Come on, you know a lot.

How many of you want to see some Indian tricks? He's a real goddamn Indian. He'll prove it to us. Show us some Indian shit. He's got to do it. You hear that drum? You know what that sound means. It's Indian shit.

That's all I got. What did you do? I wasn't even looking. You talked to an eagle. I shot him with a bow and arrow. Do it again. I didn't see. Yeah, I saw it. Why are you doing that? Okay, stop what you're doing. Jesus Christ.

I saw that. What are you trying to prove? He's bleeding to death right now. Do you have any turquoise on you? Can you speak Native American? No, I cannot. Can you paint with all the voices of the mountain? No. Is there anything Indian about you?

Not really, no. My God. What are Indian penises like? You hear about everyone else's penis. This penis is big. This penis is small. What's the Native... Does your penis own its own casino?

No. But it does get a portion of the casino profits every two years. Wait, what? What about two years? I said it does get a portion of the casino profits every two years. You have a lot of sex with your girlfriend?

Yeah. Do you guys have any funny Indian positions that you do? No. Indian style. Indian style? Just fucking sit cross-legged on top of one another? Super uncomfortable. Super uncomfortable.

Your shins hurt after that, folks. Come on. There must be something you guys do, right? You ever fuck a Timberwolf? Jesus Christ. Red Band. Come on, there must be something you guys do that's Indian-esque. Come on.

You ever fucking put on a fucking feather headdress and just run it across her body while fingering your own butthole? You ever fuck Evan Costner? No. Actually, there's not a lot of things that I do that are Native American associated. How about your parents?

Do they do a lot of Native American stuff? They drink. Yeah. Alright. Derek, you know what? Oh, okay. Alright. Alright, Derek. Well, you know what? Like many Native Americans that have been on this show before,

it's now time for a white man to take your place on the stage. There he goes. Derek C. Everyone, he's on social media at C-E-B-L-A plus Derek. I don't know, man. This guy writes like a

Native American guy. It's a very multicultural show, Tony. It really is. We're famous for our diversity. I mean, look. Look at our... What ethnicity are you, Aaron? Hispanic, everybody. Look, another Hispanic What ethnicity are you, Aaron? Hispanic.

Hispanic, everybody. Look, another Hispanic. How about a hand for the Hispanics, everyone? Yeah. Great people. We love them. They love us. We all love each other.

Put your hands together for Andrew Orlana. Andrew Orlana. Ding, ding, dong. Play the song. William's playing a song. Here comes Andrew Orellana. One more time for Andrew, everybody. I just found out that there's an app for parents

to tell you the number of registered sex offenders in the area. I wonder if other pedophiles use that to kind of like gauge the competition in that area. Because like nobody wants to be the small fish in a big pond. Nobody wants to be 10 Capri Suns deep on this little twink just to see a dude come in with a cooler trench coat than you and tell you Timmy's not big enough for the both of us. And thinking of pedophiles, that made me wonder,

do pedophiles in China also have to adhere to the one-child policy? Also have to adhere to the one-child policy. It's like the pedophile and the dad are both really hoping it's a boy this time. I always hear, dress for the job you want. But I dress like this, so it looks like the only job I'm applying for is a hand job at an Applebee's parking lot. Andrew or Alana? job in an Applebee's parking lot. Andrew

Orellana. Incredible performance. Probably the performance of the night so far. Welcome to the show, Andrew. Thank you. Thank you for having me. How long have you been doing stand-up? A little over a year. Really? Yeah. All here in Phoenix? No, I started off in Orange County.

Okay. How'd you end up out here? COVID. My parents moved out here, so I moved in with them in Goodyear. Okay. What part of town do you guys live in? Goodyear. Goodyear, Arizona. Goodyear is the town.

Goodyear is the town, yeah. All right. That's a tire. Interesting. They make tires there? No, I have no fucking clue. I darely stay in a Goodyear. Everything, I just do comedy.

What do you do for work? I work with my mother. She owns a Mexican ice cream shop. Okay, Mexican ice cream shop. Yeah, so, yeah. That sounds fucking great. Yeah, you guys are always welcome if you want. What's the name of it?

La Michoacana Premium on 67th and Camelback. Wow, look at that. Did she make raspados? Yeah, raspados, everything. Yeah. We got ice cream, paletas, raspados, everything. Paletas? Yeah.

Placencia? What? You are the first person we've ever had on this show who has the same size top and bottom lip. It is an anomaly. This guy has two bottom lips, one on the top. That's literally the first thing everybody says about me. They're like, damn, those motherfucking lips are big, bro.

I mean, it's wild. It looks like they were drawn by the Family Guy people. Dude, I look like a caricature of just my lips. Yeah. It looks like when they have those videos of people getting air blown in their mouth. They're like, ah. Everyone says I look like. Yeah, you always look like you're skydiving.

Everyone says that I have the lips of the guy in Monsters, Inc. that gets his lips sucked out by the vacuum, the shit. Okay. Okay. You have a lot of friends that watch that movie. They know the references very well. Andrew, what do you do for work? I make the ice cream for the shop.

Oh, wow. Look at you, you little Willy Wonka motherfucker. All right. Got that fucking Oompa Loompa muscle. That's what's going on over there. Mexican ice cream is so good. So do you guys make legit ice cream with the rocks and the salt and stuff like that? Or do you put it in a machine and hit start?

Oh, we got a machine. We mix it up and we mix everything together. But that's the most strenuous part. Because we use a lot of fruit and shit to make it. That shit fucking sucks to me. But we use a machine. What's dad's part in all of this? My dad works at Costco.

So, you know, typical Mexican shit. Okay. All right. That's cool. You got a lot of brothers and sisters? One older sister, one younger brother. Okay. Yeah.

They ever come at you with knives or bows and arrows or anything like that? No, not yet. Not yet. No. That's so fun. How about your love life? You got a girlfriend? No, not even a little bit.

Really? Yeah. Not even a little bit? Not even a little bit, no. The fucking top lip like that? Are you kidding me a little bit. Really? Not even a little bit? Not even a little bit, no. The fucking top lip like that? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Where are the ladies that like getting their vaginas

eaten out? He'll get stuck. They would stick together. Yeah. It'll get confused. The pussy's gonna be like, oh my god, there's another pussy coming at me. Look at the fucking... Look at the meat curtains on's another pussy coming at me. Look at the fucking... Look at the meat curtains on this fucking pussy coming directly at me.

And it's got teeth. Wow. What do you mean? When's the last time you've been with a girl, Andrew? It was about four months ago. Okay, what was that? Like a Tinder date or something like that? I met him at work.

Met him at work? Met him at work? Met her at work. Don't you work at a family shop? That's kind of fucking weird. Yeah, look at that. Is he like your cousin or something?

Hey, we're making Mexican green pies now. All right. No, yeah. It's been a minute. Do you miss Orange County? Yeah, I do. I miss it a lot.

Because I went to school in Orange. I went to college in Orange County. So that's where all my friends are. I moved out here and fucking nobody except for the comedy scenes. For one year, man, you seem like you've been doing it a lot longer. I mean, seriously. You must have been going up a lot in one year. When I was in Orange County, I would be doing like 16 mics a week.

Wow. And I didn't have a car, so a lot of it was taking the bus and hitching rides with other comics. Damn. Oh, my goodness. Your mom's place, is it true that it has an ice cream paint shop? What? It's a hip-hop reference. All right.

So tell us something else that we'd be amazed to know about the life of Andrew or Alana. What's it called? I used to want to be like a chef. I used to be really good at cooking. It was like one of my favorite things other than comedy was cooking. So if I wasn't like any better at cooking, I'd probably be doing that right now. You're not a good cook? Absolutely not.

I'm fucking dog shit. How can you be a bad cook? I've never really understood that. Maybe it's in genetics because my dad's an incredible, incredible chef. My mom is ridiculously talented. So maybe I just have a knack for it. I've never really understood. So what

happens? Do you forget to put something in? No, I just lose focus and just burn everything. How do you lose focus? What happens? How do you lose focus if you leave the kitchen? No, I'm lose focus and just burn everything. How do you lose focus? What happens? How do you lose focus if you leave the kitchen? No, I'm just like on my phone. I'll be like, all right, this is cooking for a minute. Look at my phone and be like, fuck, I have to open up a window.

Yeah, you can't look at your phone if you want to cook, dude. Yeah. Weirdo. Turn off your phone maybe. Sorry. I mean, some of these people look like they look at their phone, but they also look like bad cooks. There's a kitchen in the back if you want to.

How many of you want this guy to make you some nachos right now, huh? Make us a small carrot. Can we let this guy cook? I would like an order of carrot salad, please. We're stressing with the carrot, man. Andrew, you really, really, really great performance. You put it all together here tonight. Thank you. How old are you? I just turned 22.

22 years old. This is the future. You're seeing the future here tonight. Andrew Orlana. Don't stop, man. You got it. Thank you, guys. Have a good night. There he goes. Big close from Andrew Orlana. He's on social media at Orlana at, what is social media at Oralana.

What is that? L-L-O-D? L-L-A-A. L-L-A-A. Yeah, he's got it. You got it, buddy. If you keep it up, man, you got it. There you go. Absolutely. Many, many Latinos on the show

here tonight. For those of you that are into that sort of thing. Dustin, what are your half Latino, half what? Oklahoman. Half Mexican and Oklahoman, yeah. Josh Jones, you can come on up to the stage. Here's some music from William Montgomery. And here is Josh Jones.

Let's come up to the stage. Oh, this here is Josh Jones. Oh, this is a new song. Ooh, the ladies are going wild for Josh Jones. This is very exciting. Wow, this is a space song. Yeah, I did this two nights ago. One more time for Josh Jones, everyone. So back when shit was kind of normal here in Arizona,

I tried to take my dad to the water park. It was crazy, though. The kid at the ticket booth, he wouldn't let us in. He stared at me, and I stared back and said, Dude, what gives? He replied with, Sir, we don't let people into the park after they've been cremated. Yeah, I guess I didn't want dad clogging up the water filters or some shit. Don't worry, for those of you not laughing, this is just a joke, okay?

I don't have the fucking dude's remains yet. Yeah, no, he's still chilling. Get it? Funeral home, morgue, fridge, chilling? No? Ah. Might sound kind of crass, but I never went and picked his remains up. But hear me out. Dad's last wishes always were

to just be thrown in a ditch somewhere, so in a very roundabout way, he got what he wanted, okay? Whoo! All right. he got what he wanted, okay? Alright. Josh Jones, let's talk about it. You went for it. I'm guessing this is coming from some sort of truth. Your father has passed away recently.

Step on up to that microphone. Yeah, sorry. How long ago did your dad die? Like a year and a half, two years ago or something like that. What did he die from, disappointment? Pretty good guess. No, that's fine.

Were you guys close? Fuck no. Really? No, we weren't close at all. It was convenient timing that I even got to talk to him before he croaked, because I used to have a grudge against the fucker. Really? No, we weren't close at all. It was convenient timing that I even got to talk to him before he croaked, because I used to have a grudge against the fucker. Why? Well, he wasn't a good dad.

Otherwise, do you think I'd be saying this kind of shit about him? He had it coming, kind of. Okay. No, I thought... Jesus. All right. What did he do to have it coming? I mean, there was this one time when I turned 12,

and he bragged about how he bought me a VCR on sale for 20 bucks when I asked for a PlayStation. Let me through a birthday party, but I had to pay for the pizza myself. He was one of those kind of dads. He was there? All right, you got a VCR, man. That's pretty cool. VCR back when, what year was that?

Dude, this was like 2005. I once asked for, remember I asked for a computer and my mom got me a word processor. Yeah. I don't go around wishing death upon her. I'm not going to do bits about how she's not even cremated. Well, no, he got cremated. I just never picked him up.

Really? You know what? When you get those ashes You know what you should do You should put him inside the VCR That he got you for Christmas Snort your dad Then just hit the rewind button And let the party begin

I mean chances are They're at the same fucking dump by now Okay what's your relationship With your mother like Oh I actually I live with her. I play caregiver for her. No, no, no, it ain't like that. Alright, whoever's

scoffing. I had to move in with her to play caregiver for her because the state wouldn't supply the funds to do so, and she had a broken ankle, fell over in the bathtub. She needed somebody to... Big lady? She's a big lady? I'm getting Gilbert Grape vibes over here. Oh, that's gonna be terrifying. No, she's just like a really frail old lady that looks way older than she should.

She was messing around a lot. Okay, really. How about you? What's your drug history like? I smoke a lot of pot. I mean, I've done a lot of drugs, but now I just drink occasionally. The tattoo on your face, what does that mean to you? What does that represent? How did that happen? He has a tattoo on the left between his... Yeah, it looks like a staff, like you killed a hobbit.

Somebody told me it looks like a fucking Viking version of Gucci Mane's ice cream tattoo outside. No one knows what you're talking about. What is that? What does that mean to you? What is that, the COVID strand? No, it represents me having very bad choices in life, I guess. I don't know.

Really, what it is, it's a U-Long Butte symbol. Your face tattoo represents to you the bad choices in your life? Wow. I probably could have worded that a bit better. You know, I've never told this story on stage of any kind before, but I will say it is that when i first moved to california when i was 20 years old i was living with my brother for a little bit and uh he had a friend we would sell pot to him basically it's a little 20 sacks at

the time and the guy had just gotten a tattoo you know back then this is a long time ago 16 years ago or whatever and um when the when you were selling pot to somebody, you would want them to stay at your place for a little bit so that people wouldn't get too suspicious that you're selling drugs. You don't want people just coming in and leaving. I don't know if you guys remember what it was like when pot was illegal. But anyway, the guy had just gotten a tattoo, and his tattoo said whatever year it was, like, forget 2007 or something like that.

And we're like, why did you get that tattoo? He's like, it was a horrible year for me, 2007. My grandmother died. And I'm thinking to myself, you got a tattoo that says forget 2007, and you're going to think about 2007 every fucking time you look at it. It was on his left shin. I mean, it's the dumbest thing ever. And you just reminded me of that. You reminded me of the dumbest thing ever.

Right, and mine's on my face. I can one-up it. I've been dumber in front of you before. Really? What happened? You remember that time on your virtual mic when a motherfucker tried to juggle two shoes and a jewel? That was you? Yeah, that was me, man. Wow.

Holy shit. That went bad, too. That was on one of the pandemic episodes. Wait, what did he do? He's like, I can juggle, and I'm like, what do you have to juggle? He's like, I don't have anything. I just have a couple shoes and a jewel pen, and he just immediately dropped everything. Yeah. They got any more of those carrots?

Or perhaps some oranges? You want to juggle something? Hey, give me three. Redemption song. Somebody. He just needs groceries. That's what he's drinking us. Does anybody have some sausage? Thank you. Thank you. Perhaps some socks.

My friend that I went to the show with told me to bring two potatoes and an onion in my back pocket, actually. I'm kind of regretting I didn't at this point. I think I had you as a Sims character once. Was it the ones that you ended up drowning in the pool? It was an overdose, I think. I didn't even know they could do that.

What's your love life like, Josh Jones? Not very good. Why is that? I mean, I would presume it's because I am a dumpster fire of a person. Girls love that shit. Girls love dumpster fires with tattoos over their wrists. They love that shit. Girls love dumpster fires with tattoos over their wrists. They love that shit.

Well, then I'm really, really bad then. Wow. No confidence. But the good news is we have shit that you can juggle. Here you go, buddy. It's juggle time, bitch. Here he is. He's juggling oranges, everybody. Wow.

Wow. The crowd goes absolutely wild. Whoa. Wow. And you've killed someone in the audience. I can't believe the only guy on the show that's not Mexican juggled oranges here tonight. Absolutely incredible. Mind-blowing.

No, keep them. I want you to keep them. Those are your oranges now. Absolutely nobody wants those. It's going to rot in like two days. Yeah, it's not going to be worth it. It's going to rot in like two days. Yeah, it's not going to be worth it. It's going to be worth it. I'll give you a virtual signature sometime.

Wow. Just kidding. Don't sit down now. You're so weird. You can make anything. You can make anything. You just have to keep them, man. See, this is why I didn't want to show up with potatoes in the pocket and an onion.

Josh, relax, you freak. God, now I see why your dad hated you. There he goes, Josh Jones, everybody. We'll do one more after this. He had a good nose. He was like a Whoville nose or something like that. Ooh, good nose. We haven't had a woman on yet.

No, no women. What do you guys think? Should I pull until we get a woman on? Huh? Alright, let's see what we got here I don't think dead weight is a woman Huh? I mean, that's what I used to call my ex Butch Lord Probably isn't a woman

Butch Lord is here? You know Butch? I know Butch Damien isn't a woman. Butch Lord is here. You know Butch? I know Butch. Butch has been around, man. Damien isn't a woman. Oh, this is a woman. How about Celia Contreras? Whoa, big pop.

A lot of people like her. Big pop from this audience. I don't understand how people are getting real big pops in this room. Celia appears to be famous. Celia, get up here. Oh, wait, we know her. Oh, yeah, the legendary.

Hell, yeah. Make some noise for Celia Contreras. Celia! Let's get into it. I'm a bigger girl, so I have to take two Plan B pills in case the first one gets lost. I actually think they call it Hidden Valley Ranch because the more I eat it, the less visible my vagina becomes.

Also, a lot of baby carrots have been nipped inside. They're not going to lie. You guys like dad jokes? Here's one. My dad had a really long rap sheet. Sometimes I'd wrap it around myself and pretend he was hugging me. What was weird was there was a lot of domestic abuse charges on there, and that doesn't feel right.

He was here illegally. Don't they have been imported abuse charges? My dad will do a lot of drugs and alcohol. The only time he could do a straight line was if a dollar bill was involved. My favorite stepdad

was very open-minded, especially when that.45 caliber tore through the back of his head. It was a hollow occasion, but we know he had a blast, right? Suicide. Celia Contreras! Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!

Welcome. You've been on this show before. I've never got to get on. Really? Yeah, I hitchhiked for a month. That's how I know this fool. Yeah, we met each other. I went to the show every time, Didn't get to go up. Okay. Well, welcome. Welcome. I absolutely love your style. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Four years. Where at? I started off in Flagstaff,

Arizona. Then I moved here to do it. Okay. Awesome. That's incredible. You have such a cool style. Oh, thank you. How much time do you think you have altogether? I've got a solid 10. I'm trying to work my way up to 20. Okay. Awesome. You want to start off tomorrow night's stand-up show at 7.30 here? I would love that.

There you go. We'll see you tomorrow night 7.30. Celia Contreras. Booyah. Let's talk some more, though. Let's find out more about you. I want to find out some interesting stuff about you. Tell us about your life that we might find compelling, Celia. I've done a lot of community service.

I was a Girl Scout for nine years. Oh, okay. I'm guessing you specialized in the cookies. I was one of the top sellers, yes. And one of the top buyers. I didn't pay for them. I love it. I just lied and complained there was water damage in the car.

I just like, it snows in Flagstaff, so it's all like, I don't know what happened. Oh my god, you're so funny. I love it. Tell us more. Boyfriend, girlfriend, what's going on there? Anything? I do alright. Hell yeah, I bet you do.

I bet you fucking do. I'm not even going to ask anymore. Hell yeah. You fucking roll with the punches. It's incredible. I also do martial arts. Really? I do.

Hapkido, kendo, and jiu-jitsu. Oh, fuck. Damn. Look at that. I'm not fucking with you. I don't know what color belt you wear, but... It's brown. Okay. Most things on this It's brown. Okay.

Most things on this show tonight are. Yeah. Represent. Hell yeah. Another one. Celia, anything else other than stand-up that you're passionate about? I like to read and write a lot, but also the martial arts. Yeah.

I taught for 10 years. I love it. I love the martial arts. I taught for 10 years. I love it. I love the martial arts. How often do you do that? I got really depressed and replaced that with comedy. But I do practice with my swords like once a week. Swords? Yeah.

Holy shit. You practice with swords, plurals? Do you ever have two swords at the same time? I'm working on making a double sword form, but I'm failing at it miserably. It's a work in progress. Because I do Eskimo sticks, size, I'm shit with nunchucks, but I can handle them.

It's like, eh. That's awesome. Look at that. That's incredible. My God, I love it. Nobody's fucking with you, Celia. Damn. Is that a little hamster that you have?

What is that little cutie? Yeah, it's my emotional support. His name is Forty. Oh, hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Now I'm sort of scared to be in the same green room as you do my own. It's pretty exciting. Not a lot of emotional support hamsters usually make it to my work zone.

Don't kill tonight. Yeah, the green room is just out back in the alleyway. We're all going to be there. No, I'm kidding. I love it. No, that's so cool, Celia. Whatever you are, you fucking own it. That's for sure.

And that's probably... I'm an alcoholic. Oh, okay. Okay. Crowd goes wild. Phoenix, Arizona comes alive for alcoholism. The one word that unites everyone. What's your drink of choice?

What do you like? Forties. That's why his name is Forty. Oh, wow. Look at you. Hell yeah. Now I see why she does so good in the bedroom. You know what I mean?

why she does so good in the bedroom. You know what I mean? There's a certain type of guy that likes both 40s and... Trailer trash. Shorties. Thank you, sir. This is the first time I've ever taken help from someone in the front row.

Thank you. Forties and shorties. Okay. So what kind of 40s? Old English? Steel Reserve. Wow. Hell yeah.

Look at you impressing this audience with your alcohol-ism. When did you quit drinking? Huh? When did you quit drinking or do you still drink? Oh, no, I still drink. I had a 40 this morning. A 40 this morning? Yeah, I didn't drink now because I didn't want to fuck up in case I got called up.

Smart, smart. We've been trying to teach William Montgomery how to do that for years. What do you mean, fuck yeah? No, what do you mean? Yeah, what do you mean? No, seriously, what do you mean? No, seriously, what do you mean?

No, seriously. What do you mean? William. No, seriously. All right mean? William No, seriously Alright, I'm telling you, it's the band microphone It just happens, once they get behind it They just lose everything What's that?

No, Red Band, we're not doing the carrot trick With Celia and William What? What? Oh, Red Band has reminded me of something pretty interesting. Nope. I remember. You remember?

I remember. Let me ask you. I don't know if we should do it. Why? It's gross. Why? And I might get infected. Oh, come on.

No, I might. Okay, forget it then. Then we won't do it. You ever seen like Dr. Pimple Popper? Oh, yeah. Are you into that type of thing? Yes, I am. Would you be interested in popping someone's pimple?

Fuck yes. William, so here's the deal, everybody. I have a bad pimple on my arm. William, don't touch it. William, don't touch it. William, hey. William. William, look't touch it. William, don't touch it. William, hey. William. William, look to your left, William.

My right? Oh, God. I'm kidding. Okay. So William has a gigantic pimple to the point to where it was what we were talking about for a half hour before tonight's stand-up show. And I told him

in the green room, I go, that thing is so massive. It's so... For the listeners on the show, it's fucking disgusting. No, it's not. I took a video of it earlier. I mean, yes, William, it is. No, it's not. But you see... No, it's not! The weird thing about you saying that is that it lessens the excitement of how

disgusting... No, it's huge. Celia, what do you think about this thing? I've seen bigger. Damn, look at that. It's one of the most disgusting pimples. Redband's going to get close, or he's going to get on it with his camera. I really get to pop it? Are you going to?

Can I? Would you be willing to? Yes. In one of the most disgusting things to happen in the history of our show, Celia is now going to pop William's... By the way, for those of you listening, the temple is

filled with white goo. It has a black spot in the middle of it. Those of you sitting... Oh, God, no. It's so disgusting. Can we get a mic in there? We've had some highs and some... One lady's hiding behind the plexiglass.

Alright, do we have a napkin over there? God, this went so much worse than I thought it would. There's blood everywhere. Don't wipe that shit on me. Don't wipe that shit on me. Don't wipe that shit on me. No, no, no. Okay, guys, that's enough.

There's a napkin. Thank you so much. That was the best 90-day fiancé I've ever seen. It is a bunch of blood. That was a good one. So it popped, and a bunch of blood came out, and it's all over her fingers right now. It's all good.

She's a fucking trooper. She's a cold-blooded assassin. She's got a fucking... 40 will take care of it. Celia, I'm so excited to have you perform on my show tomorrow night in front of a big live audience. Thank you.

And I'll see you tomorrow. I think it's 7 or 7.30 or something like that live audience. Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow. I think it's 7 or 7.30 or something like that. Hell yeah. There she goes. Celia Contreras, everybody. Yeah. Dreams coming. True. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time and get out of here, huh?

Here we go. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of... Yeah, it's okay. He'll wipe it down and then come to the stage. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Zach Allen. Here we go. Zach Allen. Here he comes, moving very quickly.

Very quickly. All right, here he is Alright, everybody There's the fresh, clean microphone And here is Zach Allen One more time for Zach, everyone Bless you, bless you I recognize the way I sound

I've got a good voice I got my current job over the phone First day I came in there, like, you sounded so better looking. It's true. I'm better at phone sex than I am at regular sex. It's a lot better for me to say G-spot than try to actually find it. Girls are like, say it again, baby. EA Sports. It's in the game. Say it again, baby. E-A sports. It's in the game.

I've had this voice since I was in the sixth grade. If you heard me talking as a 12-year-old, you would think I had a different role on To Catch a Predator. I was a man child. I stopped growing when I was in the eighth grade. I was a 6'4", eighth grader. That's a fun time. Your parents can't discipline you when they're wearing your hammy downs.

They get mad at me. They say, Zach, what would you do if you were in my shoes? I'm like, well, you're in my shoes. I thought you'd have empathy. Love you. Zach Allen. Zach, have you been on this show before? Nope never Really you seem so familiar Are you Jesus Christ?

That's what it is Good lord almighty Kind of looks like the dude from the comedy store Curtis Yeah you could be his stand in Or something like that I have a very generic white guy face. There's a lot of us.

All right. Jeez Louise. You say that very threateningly. There's a lot of us. Sorry. Fuck, I'm sorry. There's more than you know. And we're armed.

What? So a couple weeks ago you were in D.C. storming the Capitol. Is that correct? Ah, yes. You had the bullhorns on or. Is that correct? Ah, yes. You had the, uh, bullhorns on or something like that. Yeah.

Yeah. No. What do you do for fun? I golf a lot. Really? Yeah. Wow. Tall golfer.

Not a very good golfer, but how long have you been doing it for? Uh, not very long. A couple of years. Okay. Um, you golf with friends.

Did they get you into it yeah just i'm from montana so you know the fact i can do this year round it's been so much nicer yeah yeah absolutely you do anything fun on the golf course you smoke pot you drink what's your go-to uh i drink yeah yeah what do you like to drink just beer oh yeah i, I don't have a preference. IPAs, big IPA fan. Okay. All right, Zach. You play musical instruments? No.

Really? No. You don't know how to play a guitar? No. Jesus Christ, man. Bongos or something? Hacky sack? I play trumpet in middle school band.

Shop? Trumpet. Do I shop? school band. Shop? Trumpet. Do I shop? What did you say? Trumpet. Oh, trumpet. I knew you were going to say Trump when you came up here for some reason. You seem more like a didgeridoo type of man if I've ever seen one,

and a good old American didgeridoo. What's your go-to maneuver in the bedroom to impress a lady? I don't really have one. It's all about what they're into. Wow, what a pussy. Jesus Christ, this fucking guy. It's what they're into. What, do you end up just massaging their feet all night or something like that?

Just scratching their back? Jesus Christ, this poor guy just fucking jerking off at the end of a long night she's finally asleep time to time to relieve myself my god what do you mean it's just what they're into i i don't know do you get late a lot i i do all right what does that mean to you? I do all right. You should be doing great. Look at this fucking guy. I'm a modest guy sexually.

I try to be. What does that mean? I just don't talk about it very often. Well, let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. You know what? You ever do any special Jesus Christ bedroom tricks? I turn their water into wine and I remove their leprosy.

Jesus Christ. Oh, man. You ever fuck them twice at the same time and call it the second coming? Yeah, yeah. The passion. It's the passion of the Christ. I want to know, have you ever seen the rain? All I can say.

That is true. How did you survive that Leonard Skinner plane crash? Didn't a bass hit you in the head or something? So tell us more. What else? Other than golf, there must be some stuff. You don't play music? You meditate?

I walk a lot. That's my big thing. I go on a lot of long walks. Really? Yeah. And you're not Jesus Christ. I just like to go on long walks, help people when I can. So you don't jog?

You just go on long walks? Yeah. I have bad knees, so it's tough for me. I just don't jog anymore, so I like walking. Why do you have bad knees? I played basketball for a long time. Okay. Man, you notice your knees are really low.

They're really close to your feet, too. What the fuck, man? They really are. They really are. For a second, I thought he had four ankles. It's absolutely incredible. I know I'm physically flawed, but fuck, man. Oh, my God. Welcome to another episode of Kill Loney. incredible. I know I'm physically flawed, but fuck, man. My god.

Welcome to another episode of Kill Loney. It's a low knee joke. Very rarely get to do those. He does. He's very oddly shaped and a very long body, shoulder to waist. That is weird. Tremendously long

waist to knees. For those of you listening, from his knees to his shoes, it's about four and a half inches. It's really so weird. Absolutely incredible. Can I draw you?

I love it. Zach, have you already had the coronavirus? I did yeah How did you get it? Doing a show Really? Yeah Wow

What was it like? What were your symptoms? I just got really sleepy For like two days I couldn't taste That was it But I was pretty excited When you couldn't taste

Did you Eat a girl's ass Or anything fun like that? I did not, no. No, because you're just into what she wants. No. Have you ever eaten a girl's ass before? Never.

What? Is there a girl in the audience that'll let this guy eat her ass right now on the show? Damn, there's someone losing their mind back there. Some drunk lady is very excited. I always wanted Jesus to eat my ass. Are you down for that, or you just haven't done it yet? I haven't done it yet.

Why do you think you haven't done it? Wait, what did you say, lady? She has a... What? All right, come up here real quick. Alright. I don't know if there's a waiver that we can sign or something like this.

I think you have to at least wear a mask on your chin. But I have... I have hundreds of witnesses that heard her say that she's down I don't know what happened maybe she just fell down and she's like I'm down somebody help me up

clutching her life alert what are they clapping for is somebody coming to the stage oh shit I don't know about you guys but there's only one way to end phoenix kill tony the return of road shows people are wondering what is going to happen oh fuck yeah oh shit he's already had the coronavirus sweetheart what's your name amanda oh come on red band come on get the far board out of here red band you guys all want to do it once with me one two three red band hey we could go

behind the curtain i got this red band thank you uh let's just take a moment here so amanda have you had your ass eaten before put the microphone in front of her fucking face absolutely oh shit god damn I hope you left a little something back there for a sec this is the cleanest ass in Arizona

right here this chick's still wearing her fucking pink underwear from the tent city or whatever. I love it. Amanda, have you ever had your ass eaten by a white guy? It's my preference. Wow, look at that. Stop with the fartboard, Red Band.

You're allowed one an episode. Everybody knows that. God. Stop with the fart board, Red Band. You're allowed one an episode. Everybody knows that. All right. So, Zach, how do you feel about this? Are you excited? Hey, what are we doing? Hold on. Wait a second.

Wait, we just got word. Amanda didn't bring her ass on stage with her, everybody. No. You had your ass eaten so much there's nothing left. We're waiting for the delivery guy to bring more ass. Amanda, you have the confidence of a girl

with a much bigger ass, though, I must say. I must say, you have the incredible swagger of a girl with a... Okay, so Zach, let's talk about this. How do you feel about this right now? What are your thoughts about this situation? I'm open. Okay.

You know what else is open? All right, so this is the part where, believe it or not, if you guys go right on the other, if you guys go... Hey, only one fart per episode. I mean, people aren't even going to believe this. But it seems like if I was watching this,

I'd be like, this show is not real. There's no way. That's impossible. But look, it's so funny. Amanda, like, I mean, I'm not really, I'm trying to think of every possible law thing in my head but I feel like Amanda couldn't afford an attorney even if

even if she wanted to sue I just don't think so but you guys both agree by nodding and saying yes that you both want to do this right he's going to he's going to eat your ass for a second

and then you guys are going to come back out again just one second he just needs to get a taste are you giving permission or no oh shit alright you guys go in there go right over there there's a door.

There's a secret door right there. Go behind the curtain. It's clean. Go behind the curtain. Security is helping this happen. Wow. Wow. Oh, my God.

Wow, ladies and gentlemen, right now, another first in podcast history. We had our first pop pimple in Kill Tony history tonight. We had our first episode of Kill Tony on the road for the first time in almost a year tonight. We had the first ever regular to transition into being a band leader here on this episode tonight. I'm playing my keyboard, y'all. We had our first ever carrot to carrot attempt at a belly carrot transition. I got a belly button, y'all. I put shit in my belly button.

William, William. What? I put shit in my belly button William What We had a white guy juggle oranges Here tonight And right now For the first time in Kill Tony's history A guy is eating a girl's ass Right now On the other side of that wall

Alright guys I said just a taste This guy can't stop back there. I've got pizza back there. No, don't just open that right now. No. I'm not afraid of those. I'm afraid of these people in the front that are going to fucking say that they were traumatized

by whatever they see. She didn't even have butt cheeks. She didn't even have butt cheeks. Come on, you fucking animal. What's going on? Okay, here they come. Whoa. Oh,

wow. I'm excited to hear about this. Okay, so Zach Allen, you just ate your first ass. How do you feel? It was great. Your breath smells like shit. You want like an owl toy or something? Amanda, how do you feel?

Get the microphone. Amazing. Red band spraying Listerine. I love it. Spray her asshole. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Don. Spray her asshole. Spray her. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Don't fake spray her asshole. Okay. There you go. Don't spray. Brian, don't. There you go. Very good. All right.

You have to keep the animals at bay here. You know what I mean? Okay. Zach, you feel good about it? Yeah. Everybody's happy? Everybody's happy. When you guys get off stage, you should exchange numbers or something like that.

I think Zach would probably like a little bit more. Something like that. That's probably my guess. Right, Zach? Yeah. Oh! Oh, my God!

You're ruthless! Oh, shit. Looks like Amanda went to Cornish Pasties before the episode tonight. You don't get that roast beef dinner. What did it taste like, Zach? Can you describe the taste?

Like ass. Wow! Absolutely. Was it everything that you thought that it would be? Yeah, yeah. Everything I imagined eating an ass would be. You know what? I can say without a doubt, his voice did get a little bit deeper, though.

I don't know if you guys noticed. There he goes, Zach Allen, everybody. He's Zach from Montana, ZAC. How about, guys, come on. Amanda, come here. Take a bow for these people. Make some noise for Amanda, everybody. She didn't have to do that.

This is without a doubt. Without a doubt. I'm fucking jealous. No one got coronavirus. Only one person got pink eye from the filming of this podcast here tonight. How about a big hand for Dustin Ybarra? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you Thank you

Thank you Dustin for being here What's your social media and everything for everybody It's my name it's Dustin underscore Ybarra With a Y Y-B-A-R-R-A Thanks for having me How about a hand for the band leader The regular William Montgomery

I believe it was the regular William Montgomery. I believe it was February 20-something of the year 2020 in which we sold out a, I think it was a 1,800-seat venue in Vancouver, Canada. And just slightly less than a year later, I will tell you guys, it has been an honor to have you guys come out so strong here tonight. Phoenix, Arizona. Our first road gig.

Our longest ever time without a road gig, and we're back. So thank you guys so much. Red Band? Hey guys, if you live in Miami, Florida, me and Tony are bringing Kill Tony there the end of February. Go to DeathSquad.TV. Click on Tour Dates.

We're doing it again tomorrow night. I don't know if it's sold out or not, but we'll be here. Also, a stand-up show featuring Celia Contreras. Thank you guys so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.謝謝大家 ច្រូវានប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រាប់ប្រ� Thank you. you you