KILL TONY - KILL TONY #63

Episode Date: September 2, 2014

Brent Morin, Rick Glassman, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Josh/Josh Martin, Brian Redban – Date: 07/28/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Me and Tony are bringing Death Squad on the road again with Tiffany Haddish, the Cat Pack. We're coming to Columbus, Ohio, October 16th. We're going to have a Kill Tony show, followed by a comedy show. Two shows, both at the Funny Bone Columbus. Again, that's Thursday, October 16th. Also, Death Squad is now at the Comedy Store we're trying to do a bi-weekly show or twice a month at the Comedy Store we had our first one with

Doug Stanhope it was amazing our next one is Wednesday October 1st and it's going to be a bunch of comedians you're not going to know who's going to be on there's going to be surprises it's going to be great so if you're in Hollywood and you want to check it out again that's october 1st at the comedy store and then me and tony are co-headlining phoenix arizona october 23rd we're going to be at stand up live so go check that out all right guys here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world's famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony and Chris. Yeah.

Fuck, yeah, there's a fun energy in here, and I'm loving that. This is exciting. Hi, happy Monday, everybody. Another fun episode. This is episode, what is it, 63? 63, and I can already tell we're going to kick somebody out within the first seven minutes. Here we are, everybody. You guys excited or what? We have a new sponsor this week, Don Carlos Burritos

in La Jolla, California. Yes, definitely. Our friend Ryan is, that's his restaurant and we are very, very happy to announce our new sponsorship with Don Carlos Burritos. That's right. Go down there and say you're with Death Squad. Guess

what happens? Just imagine what happens when you say you're with Death Squad. And when you say those magic words, you'll get some kind of discount on one of their delicious burritos. A lot of them named after comedians. And if you say you want the Death Squad burrito, it might be one

thing. If it's closed and you're behind the place and you ask for a Golden Pony, it might be something else. It's true. You ask for the Death Squad, there's going to be barbecue sauce and onion rings in the burrito. Maybe some coleslaw. Well, that's in the Golden Pony. The Golden Pony is coleslaw, lettuce, and spinach, and that's it. Oh. So it's very exciting no i'm kidding i would

never eat that but guacamole is amazing i could eat just guacamole wrapped in a tortilla who's with me on that right is it are we can we not all agree on guacamole except for the second row obviously a very anti-guacamole row they're staring at like, I think we're in the wrong show. We are not into the guac. But so, yeah, Don Carlos burritos. Big, fat, delicious, hot burrito in La Jolla on Pearl Street. Don Carlos, where the burritos come to you. I just made that slogan up in the moment, guys.

And I don't think it's a good one for a burrito. Because why would the burrito come to you? Like, that doesn't even make any sense. It would be unless the burrito has legs which you can only find at Don Carlos Burritos, everybody. So I'm very excited to be here. I had a fun weekend in San Jose.

We did Kill Tony live at Comic Con in San Diego. That was fun. Since we've been here last it was a blast. We did it again. So much fun to take the show on the road and we'll be making more announcements very soon about Kill Tony on the road,

I'm sure. Yeah. And because we have so much fun doing it. So many fun, loyal listeners. A lot of them came up to me after my show that I did in San Jose. You know, it's getting out of control. So it's really fun.

I think we all got sick. I think the cat pack had a little cat sniffles. Somebody had a cold at Comic Con last Wednesday. It was Tiffany Haddish. Tiffany didn't tell us about this cold that she had. We all got the sniffles from it. And low blood

counts, I heard, also. Who had a low blood count? I don't know. It was just a joke. Oh, okay. So, guys, it's Monday night. Are you excited or what? Every week we have a new patriot to keep an eye on us, a new head of security. This guy is one of our more popular patriots.

He's also the accident-prone producer of the show our friend and awesome awesome young rising comic it's Josh Martin everybody the iron pup pup pup pup patriot I got a big dick I got a big dick I got a big dick

the only patriot with a full blown speech impediment that's why we call him the pup pup patriot With a full-blown speech impediment. That's why we call him the P-P-Patriot. Is that the guy you're kicking out? No. That's his lover. I sound better with the speaker box. It sounds much better.

It's true. This is just like your days of being a manager at McDonald's. At least you're getting feedback from something tonight, Josh. You got to look at the positives. You have a set to look forward to later where a mic making some noise would at least... Anyway, Josh, how's it going, buddy? I'm doing all right. Feeling good. Trying to stay positive.

This mic is too much in my nose well why don't you turn something down i don't know yeah turn your dick down a little bit we have the we have the microphone patch always on the crotch of the patriot and one of the weird traditions that stuck around for some reason of all the things that we took from the original iron patriot we really stuck with the speaker box coming out of the crotch, and I'm happy about that. Every Patriot, for some reason, has always had the microphone at mid-level.

So what else is happening, Josh? You were in San Diego with us. Did you have fun? Yeah, I had fun. I got to do a Spartan Thunder pussy as well. Are you wearing your glasses underneath the mask right now? I can't see without them. Wow.

Can you lift up the mask and show the audience what they're dealing with, the man behind the mask? Look at this nerd, everybody. How cute is he? Let's keep it like that. Keep it like that, Josh. It's better like that. Let's see your little apples. Look how cute he is, everybody. What's funny is that

you have the pajamas of an 11-year-old and the face of a 9-year-old. You actually go backwards. Most of the people looked too old to be in that costume, whereas Josh is like, is he really in there? It looks like you're standing on a midget comedian right now. You know, Tony, just stay positive. You don't have to be so negative towards me.

All right, I see the way so negative towards me. All right. I see the way you're playing it. Fuck yeah. So I'm excited to have you back, Josh. Doesn't he look like the Campbell's Soup boy up top? I don't remember the Campbell's Soup boy. The little kid with his little cheeks and his little face. You don't remember the Campbell's Soup kid?

No, I'm not really that big of a... I know who you're talking about. Yeah. You don't remember the Campbell's Soup Kid? No, I'm not really that big of a... I know who you're talking about. Yeah. Have you been called Campbell's Soup Boy? I have not, but I assume he fucks like a goddamn man, so I'm exactly like him. Oh, well, I think you're the first person to...

No one believes that. You really spent a moment picturing what the Campbell's Boy fucks like, huh? You know. The Campbell's Boy's probably an's boy fucks like, huh? You know. The Campbell's boy is probably an old man by now. Or a woman. Whoa, twist. Twist in the soup, everybody.

Okay. Josh, are you excited? I'm very excited. How many times have you been the Patriot? You're one of the few returned Patriots. Like four or five. Wow. Really?

This is like four or five. I regret it about three of the four times. Has it got you any pussy yet? I like how your voice cracked when you said three out of the four. Three out of the four. I was just trying not to say the word tree. You were just not

trying to say the word tree? What does that mean? And you wiped your nose when you said snot. I'm adjusting this mic. The mic is uncomfortable. Oh. The mic's uncomfortable, huh? That's not the only thing uncomfortable right now.

He's on fire, everybody. Not really doing much, but we're happy to have you, Josh. I love it. Are you guys ready to meet our guests tonight? I'm so excited about this one, guys. So much fun. Following that heat of Garland and Sinbad,

I said, how can you possibly follow 62 years of comedy experience with Sinbad and Garland last week on this show? And I said, let's go for the fucking what's the coolest shit going on right now? And two of my funniest pals, who we do stand-up together for years now, you know, every night pretty much everywhere. Two grinders who I work with everywhere all the time,

and I'm so happy that they're here. They are currently two of the stars of NBC's hit show Undateable. Put your hands together for tonight's guests, Brent Morin and Rick Glassman, everybody. It's raining men. Hallelujah. It's raining men. Hallelujah, it's raining men. It is raining men. Every special man.

So many men. So blind, God to me. Fuck yeah. Welcome to the show, guys. Thank you, man. Thanks. I want to just real quick say I noticed something that you questioned he didn't answer. He didn't want to say tree because when he says three,

it sounds like tree, I think is what he was saying. Oh. Is that right? Is that why you didn't want to say tree? It wasn't just a random tree thing, right? We have that Jew connection, the two of us. All right. There you go.

Is it a Jew connection thing you think? No, I just used to have problems saying my R's, but then I grew up. Rick, come on. I did. Yeah, I know, but you know. So what you're saying is I shouldn't be wearing an Iron Man costume. No, I'm just saying it's three.

Okay. Did you say touche? Yeah. I think he meant to say tree. So welcome to the show, guys. So fun to have you here. Thank you. Yeah.

It's great to be here. It's going to be a blast. Were you guys just in Montreal this weekend? Am I right about that? Montreal, yeah. Yeah. A little hanging out with a friend. She's having fun in Canada. We love it up there.

I love it there. Montreal's one of the few places I haven't been. Really? You guys had a blast, I take it. Oh, it's so fun. That's the biggest comedy festival. And you got to do a show with the whole cast, right? Were you going to sneeze?

No, he's just soaking in the... Just, you know, Montreal and now the belly. Now the belly? I was just taking it in. Oh. And I also had a... Yeah, I just breathed in. Okay.

I don't know. I didn't really think it was a thing. It was a powerful inhale. I have... It was. Sometimes I forget to breathe and I have to make up for it. You have awake apnea. Sometimes I just forget to breathe.

I think it's just called apnea. Maybe. Maybe. Was there any parties that you got to go to that crazy? Because it seems like it was just non-stop everywhere you go. Comics everywhere. Every bar is comedians. Yeah, I think everybody pictures that being like a never ending night, sort of. Yeah, it is.

Right? It never ended for you. It went late for me. Everyone wants to buy you drinks And you want to take them Because someone wants to give me something I'll take that The few festivals I've done I always end up doing karaoke at some point

Does that ever happen to you guys? I just get lost with the French I ended up singing No Scrubs with Byron Bowers At the South Beach Comedy Fest A few months ago. Really? Four in the morning because their bars don't close or something like that. Wow.

I would love to see tape. It was amazing. See, we were sort of pandering because there's a lot of people there, but there was this awesome group of black women, maybe like 12 of them, that sort of just stood out because they were just sitting on the couches while everybody else was sort of like dancing or whatever. And you could tell that it was a lot of just like, you know, white people singing, you know,

took the midnight train and all this bullshit. And me and Byron both noticed these girls and were like, let's fucking break it down and dedicate it to them. Next thing you know, it was a blast. The video would totally make me and Byron new karaoke stars.

Our approach on No Scrubs. He was out in the crowd moshing by the end of it. Moshing with the 12 black girls? Yeah, and I'm over it. They were on the couch. I know, but he implied that once they started, it felt like they got up and made things happen. Oh yeah, totally. The energy.

We took the energy from the back and everybody else was like, holy shit, they're starting a whole new party. And of course, see, my approach is to up the white about 30, 40 percent over enunciate the things while Byron's taking the loose repeater role. So in the race game, that's like you playing the straight man. Right. Gives him something to make fun of. I don't want no scrubs. A scrub is a guy who can't get no luck from me. Man, what the fuck are you doing? It's want no.

It's not want no like you was doing that stuff. Well, I was reading it. Right. I'm saying that's the energy he was having towards you probably. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Fuck this dude. Everyone's like, yeah, fuck him because he's the straight guy.

Yeah. There's a bug flying in between us right now. So let's get to it. I can't believe I went on that huge rant about festivals, and I turned it into a thing about me singing no scrubs, and it went nowhere. Well, it's because we kind of paused like some terrible shit happened in Montreal. Like there was dead silence for two minutes,

and all I could hear is Josh breathing over there. That's what I was watching. I was just watching him breathe, looking around. Everywhere time he stands, he looks like he's looking for a place to put his hands. But there's no place to put them, so his face just panics. Like, where do you put your mouth? What?

No, that wasn't a sexual thing. Well, what does it mean? Well, like hands you could put somewhere. But since there's no place to do it, it's like, now where do I put my face? And I put a specific thing on the face. Then you said the mouth. Okay, I get it. Yeah, you're a where do I put my face? And I put a specific thing on the face. Then you said the mouth. Okay, I get it. Yeah, you're a loser.

I like you, Josh. I love him. No, no, no. I hope that suit's burn proof. Just fucking throws it right at you. Yeah, but like, it's also like superhuman shit that he really does have.

What are you drinking over there? A water daiquiri? What is that? It's just water. I mean, a water daiquiri. I'm that? It's just water. I mean. A water daiquiri. I'm just living that gangster life. Hell yeah.

Hydrated. Byron would say something funny there. Yeah, totally. I like you, Josh. Oh, thank you. The water gangster. I do. The water gangster, Josh Martin, everybody.

Let's get this thing started, shall we? Hell yeah. This is Kill Tony. We're going to sign up for the chance to do one minute of stage time and then be on a live podcast and talk to our guests and me and Brian. Guys, you know that 60 seconds

of stage time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Come on, really? It's so quiet. It's out of control. When you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that's the sound of a kitty that we know. That means you got to wrap it up,

or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Is that the bear? No, it's not the bear. Is that a crow? That's the bear. That fucking scared me. That was a delayed bear for you podcast listeners. I apologize.

I could almost hear their headphones hitting the treadmill. So let's get it started, guys. Are you ready for this? It's Kill Tony number 63 with Brent Morin and Rick Glassman, the stars of Undateable. We'll talk more about that as we go on. On NBC. We'll talk about stuff. Hell yeah.

Your first comedian tonight is Kevin Fard, everybody. Here he comes. We went to the Philly Pizza Company and ordered some hot tea. The waitress said, well, no, we only have it iced. How's it going? My name is Kevin. Kevin's an Irish name for why is this Persian guy calling himself Kevin? Middle Eastern.

I feel like Middle Eastern guys, like, we're creepy enough. As is. I don't understand why we have all this excess body hair. It's too much. Look at me. It's too much. I'm so hairy, my dick has back hair.

Like, what's the biological purpose of my chest hair falling out of the top of my shirt? It's not for warmth. I'm from the desert. Does it keep me warm? Like if body hair was for warmth then shouldn't Eskimos look like Furbies? Like how about this shave my back give it to an Eskimo save the environment alright there you go

that's good for the environment Kevin Farr bringing the bringing the thunder hair is it's to protect from the sun it's not for the warmth is it?

yeah is it? are you sure? yeah okay well there we go got the answer is that true? how do. Is it? Yeah. Is it? Are you sure? Yeah. Okay. There we go. Got the answer. Is that true? How do you know that? Is that really true? Oh, Eskimos don't

have hair because there's not as much sun. I just deduced that. I'm not actually sure. It's the best reason I've heard so far. I like being inside, so that makes a lot of sense. And as another hairy guy, I completely loved your set. I felt like that back hair dick joke was awesome.

But have you guys heard that before? Because that seems like one of those. Heard it or seen it. Oh, you've seen it. No, I wasn't making a joke. I don't know if you're asking, have you heard that exists or that joke? It seems like I've heard that before, but it might be just because it's so good that I'm just like, wow, that's just amazing. I've never heard it. That's a great joke, dude. That's a hilarious joke.

I actually had that a long time ago, and I just fit it in this joke. Nice. I love that joke. I want to know more, but now I want to know the actual thing. I want to know the actual science of the body hair. I know taller is you do to take

more your body can take in the sun. And shorter, you don't have as much – if you're shorter and you're around cold, you don't – you take in heat better because there's not as much to warm up. That's why Eskimos are low and black guys are so tall because of Africa. That's why they have big dicks is warmer climates. But also like the color of your skin, the darker you are, for the heat and stuff, like black people from Africa, they're dark. You're doing your thing, aren't you? I got it. I got it.

So if you're not dark, then you need some dark shit for the sun and stuff. So you've got hair. You've got dark hair. It's the greatest TED talk I've ever heard. You've got dark shit, then you're good. Next up, Bill Gates. Every time you wipe your ass, how much hair is on the toilet paper?

You know what? You got to give it a little trimming. I mean, it gets uncomfortable, especially in the summer. Yep. Because it's hot. So how do you trim that? You know like beard trimmers?

You take a risk. No, I don't know like beard trimmers. I come from the opposite spectrum of hairiness. You get one of those $12 beer trimmers at Rite Aid, and they work perfectly for your balls and your asshole. It's true.

It's just a fear you have to get over. I used to start with Gillette's and stuff. That would cut your neck. That's worse. Then you just get one of those shavers. You just have to be careful. Once in a while, you'll nick a little vein here and there. Jesus Christ.

Like he said, the $12 one. We're not going to spring for the expensive one. What's the expensive one? $25? You don't need to go. I've done the research. The $12 ones work perfectly. Who just said I love it in the ass?

Yeah, that did come out of nowhere. That was a female voice, too. So that's extra points. Normally it's a guy in the back of the room saying that, so I'm excited. Okay, let's get back to this beard trimmer. What's the price that you say you pay for your beard trimmer that you use for your ass?

Well, they're $10 to $12. Wow. I can take you to Rite Aid. That's the going rate for a beard ass trimmer. I love it. Now, have you ever gotten, because you probably grow facial hair quickly, have you ever gotten in a little tiff and all of a sudden you need to use your beard trimmer for your face? I was just going to say that. Sometimes I just do it.

Yeah, I use the same. You just go for it. And you can put a little rubbing alcohol on it. It takes a while. Yeah, but you probably don't every time. You're probably in a hurry at that point, trying to get out the door. It's not the rush. Maybe I'm just...

I feel like putting rubbing alcohol on your pube trimmer that you use on your face would be like the equivalent of washing your hands at home when you take a pee. I'm sure there's some people that do it. I agree. It makes sense. But, like, I don't give a fuck. Right. Do you do that? Would you use his beard trimmer that he uses on his ass to shave your beard?

I wouldn't use his beard trimmer that he only uses on his beard on my beard. It has nothing to do with you. That's just who I am, so no. You wouldn't go beard to beard with this guy. But you would go your ass to your own beard, right? I go from my pubic hair to my own beard. Exactly. But I do like this with it.

What is that? What's that? This. You flick it? When you tap it. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. There's got to be a better way. Like a cigar. You tap it? When you tap it. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. There's got to be a better way. Like a cigar.

You tap it like a cigar. It's like when the remote control won't work or something. He's just really good at it. We're done. Perfect flow of hair going into a trash can. Just get the shit I don't want off. Like weed track and field. Just get the shit I don't want off.

Weed track and field. What do you do that over? A sink? Well, I put down a off. Like weed track and field. You just get the shit I don't want off. Weed track and field. What do you do that over? A sink? Well, I put down a towel. Oh, here we go. I have two towels. I have more. You have two towels?

But I have two towels. Total? No, I have more than two. No, Rick is the opposite of the way he's describing himself right now. You didn't let me finish. He's like Howard Hughes. Go ahead. I have extra towels, but I have two that are in the rotation.

You know you have a lot of jeans, but you have two that are in the rotation at a time? I have my two that are in the rotation. So I wash it every maybe five days. So once I'm ready to wash both of them, I'll take the second one. That's about two weeks. I'll trim my pubes every two weeks or every month. Really? Wow, that's a lot of trimming.

Let me tell you something. You're like a barber. It's not that it's that long. It's just that I want to keep it where I want to keep it. And I want to keep it at about 14 days. Yeah, because you never know. I know. No, no.

I mean, it's okay if I go a month. Rick knows. He's on an NBC show right now. Once I book the show – You never know. You might never know, but he knows. I don't even know what I'm talking about now. But anyway, I shake over – I'm over a towel.

So what happens if a girl sees you're downstairs after 15 days? That's what I want to know. After 30 days, it's fine. What happens at this cutoff point? Some people don't even do it. I'm not out of control. It's just that I want to keep it high and tight. I just started when I moved to California.

I never did it – like in Ohio, no one talked about their pubic hair or masturbating or anything. I started training in Ohio, to be honest with you. Follow-up question on this. Do you just ballpark 14 days? Do you have a calendar in your bathroom when you mark off? Or do you feel for the hair? No, it has nothing to do with the hair. It has to do with when I'm doing my towel laundry.

Oh, it's all about the towel. Everything cosmetic has to do with when I do the laundry. I buy Proactiv every five washes. So when you're doing your beard trimmer on your ass, what's your positioning like? Are you over the sink? Backwards? Just outside.

If you use the ones that are cordless... Just outside, like he's walking a dog. Hey, Jerry, how are you? Shaving your ass? What? Outside actually is brilliant. Why don't we do it outside? Because it's so annoying.

Our bathroom looks like it's fucking falling. Think about it. That's embarrassing. When the neighbor comes out and the wind's blowing from east to west. I'm embarrassed just to shake my towel out outside, which I do. Imagine just doing it out there. We could have shaving tents. I'm sure we all have a tent we don't use.

I guess if you have a tent and you've got to clean it up, you might as well use your bathroom. I just picture you walking out with a towel and you don't even care where you are. It's like the community swimming pool. I shake my towel out the same way I do when I'm crossing a busy street. You press the button first?

I'll check a couple times. I'll look at my phone and then I'll just do it. And then I run in like I'm scared to... Fuck, cadence! I didn't have it. And then I run in like I'm scared to fuck Cadence. I didn't have it fast enough. Shit. Cadence. Play the bear for me.

Play the bear for me. Kevin, thank you so much. It was fun chatting with you. Thank you. And I've never heard that dick back joke. That was a great joke. Keep it going. It's Kevin Fard, everybody.

He's at Kevin Fard. That's F-A-R-D on Twitter. So for you podcast listeners, that's Kevin. It's nice that you give the Twitter like that. Yeah, it's cool. They get feedback. Sometimes there's positivity.

Yeah, totally. Josh, did you have any questions for our guests? Normally the Patriot asks our guests a question about something. I was wondering if you had anything. I do have a question. First question for Rick Glassman. You're a very funny comedian. You're an amazing basketball player.

Why haven't you gone pro at basketball? Okay, first, what is... Yeah, thanks. I guess I just love comedy more. Oh, okay. Nobody loves comedy more than the NBA I love that that's the answer Like you could totally go pro

You know I just love comedy more I can't go pro now Right, no I know But I could have gone pro Really? You think so? What were you like in high school? I was dunking with glasses on Where'd you go to college?

I took them off That's so funny. Did you have the strap? Now I have a strap. Help! That's great. Help! Where's the ball?

Just scouts like, no, he should do comedy. Did he shave his ass? What's going on with his shorts? I love that image of the basketball scout writing the word comedy next to his name. This guy's got to get into the arts. He's just a really good comedy scout. I love that. But I am good, right, at basketball?

Yeah. You are good. And my second question is for you, Brent. Why are you not as good as a classmate in basketball? Oh, gee. That's true. Actually, I'm more skilled. He's just built taller.

Okay. I'm like, if we did a skills challenge, I'd win. That's true. Actually, I'm more skilled. He's just built taller. Okay. I'm like, if we did a skills challenge, I'd win. A skills challenge. That just goes to show you that you're not better. You want to play me in a challenge instead of one-on-one. Look, I could play a one-on-one. I can't beat him in a game, but if we do a shooting over the backboard game of cake, I might win. If you had Shaq versus Chris Paul in a game, Shaq would fucking win.

No, he wouldn't. But Chris Paul's more skilled. Nope. Am I right? No. Chris Paul would beat Shaq. One-on-one is way different than a game scenario. Shaq can't go with Chris Paul in a game, Shaq would fucking win. No, he wouldn't. But Chris Paul's more skilled. Nope. Am I right? No. Chris Paul would beat Shaq. One-on-one is way different than a game scenario. Shaq can't go with Chris Paul. What, is Shaq going to guard him at the top of the three? You can't even dribble with your left. Okay, alright. Do your wrapping fingers some more.

You do. This is... Josh, I blame all of this on you. Stay the fuck out of this, Josh. I love it. You guys have a show on NBC and you're asking them about their basketball. You could spell better than me. No, I love it. You guys have a show on NBC and you're asking them about their basketball. You could spell better than me. No, I can't.

I thought they were talking about dick size at first. No, his dick is huge. It's because he's taller. That's what I thought you were talking about. He's got big hands and he's got a big dick, okay? And he shaves his ass. We're learning a lot about it. No, I shave my pubes.

I have shaved my ass. I don't shave my ass. Everyone has shaved their ass. I don't think I've ever shaved my ass. And if you haven't, you might be a redneck. You've never shaved your ass? I don't think I've had. I don't have to shave my ass. I don't shave my ass. Everyone has shaved their ass. And if you haven't, you might be a redneck. You've never shaved your ass? I don't think I've had... I don't have to shave my ass. I have a hairless ass and back. Brent has a hairless ass and back.

And I have chest hair. You know that. So I'm perfect. We've talked? Yes, we've talked. That's what I was going to say. If you look at Brent's... If you cut Brent in half, which I recommend you do, and you were to look at his torso and his legs, you would not put them together.

He's got a hairless, boy, bitch, button legs. And a very hairy, manly, could do a skills challenge well, but not the best basketball player torso. I'm fucking really good. Rick, you didn't even fucking play college. I did. That's where you say neither did you, Brent. But you didn't you? Yeah. Oh, you're the one that didn't even fucking play college. I did. That's where you say neither did you, Brent. But you didn't you?

Yeah. Oh, you're the one that didn't. All right. Man, I'm still hairy when I shit. My, like, poop has eyelashes. Oh, my God. All right. There it is.

My dad. My dad coming down when my friends are around. Josh, a few weeks ago, you admitted live on this show that your penis is how big again? No, I don't remember exactly. Oh, Jesus. I don't remember. Oh, come on. I didn't say two inches.

Give me some credit. Wait, hard. Make eye contact with somebody who's insulting you. A dick is never small if you make eye contact when you say how big it is. Screw these hoes. There you go. By the way,

I'm pretty sure the number was four for you guys. Five, five and a half? No, it's not. I was underestimating. It's like five, five and a half. Oh, you were underestimating.

On a good day, it's five and a half. You're the first guy to ever underestimate the size of his penis, by the way. And to say two numbers, it's never the biggest one

or you'd start... You can't say five, five and a half. If it was five and a half, you wouldn't say five. You'd say five and a half, six. Right? So it's five. a half you wouldn't say five you'd say five and a half six right so it's five it's five

if he just trimmed his pubes humble dick talker it's quite a characteristic oh you love Josh he's funny he's very humble about his dick

that's true it's hard to find you can talk it up you guys ready for your next comedian Brent sees well about my dick thank you

let's roll on your next comedian? Brent's needs to go up on my deck. Thank you. Let's roll on. Your next comedian goes by the name of Chandler Withnag. Hell yeah. Chandler Withnag. Do you know what that means? You just got... No. Are you...

You're not... Talking about body hair. He took the spot. I love it. It's his. Is he in the room? He's not in the room. I was in the back.

I don't really think you can just come up. I think it's such a bad example. We're going to have to deal with this for the next 500 episodes. No, you can stop. I like the initiative. I've got to be honest. What if it's on me? No, make it on Brent.

I like the initiative. I got to be honest. What if it's on me? No, make it on Brent. I mean, like, he recognized that that person wasn't going to come up, but didn't sit in it. But we have people that don't show up like four or five times an episode. All right, get the fuck off the stage. I don't know. I vote for him.

Sorry. What's your Twitter handle? Well, that's got to be you. Okay, well. Sorry. What's your Twitter handle? Chandler with no D. Well, that's got to be you. Okay, well. He did stand up when you said Chandler and then sat back down. You wrote it next to name, first of all. He's saying with no D, not with no D.

I would have said the same thing as you. Guys, give it up for Chandler. I get your mistake. Once again, give it up for Chandler. I get your mistake. Once again, give it up for Chandler. Okay. Chandler, from now on, when somebody says your name, just go on stage. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Chandler with no D. This is my first time on stage tonight, and I'm really nervous because I grew up listening to Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle,

and that's a lot of pressure. It's not the pressure of living up to their greatness that scares me, though. It's that when those are your biggest influences, there's a pretty good chance you'll get on stage and drop the N-word. That does not go well with this complexion or this accent. When you have a southern accent, people automatically assume you're racist anyway. For example, true story, my wife is half black, and at Christmas one year, we're sitting around eating, having a good time,

and out of nowhere, her uncle looks at me and says, you say nigga a lot, don't you? And I tried laughing it off, like, get a load of this guy. But I look, and everyone had stopped eating, just waiting on my answer. So I said, what's a lot? Wow, there you go. 50 seconds. That's pretty good. Is this really your first

time on stage? It is, yes. Right now. Wait, first time tonight? Tonight is his first time. I thought the same thing. Oh, wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Chandler with no D. I think you're one of the few comedians that said the N word the first set. Oh, wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Chandler with No D. I think you're one of the few comedians that said the N-word the first set. Yeah, definitely.

That was a legitimate concern. I believe it. I bought into it. I'm on board. I say it all the time. You were smart enough to say it after you said that you had a half-black wife. Right. And I brought her with me for proof.

Oh, perfect. For proof. Oh, yeah. There she is. wife. That's quite the difference. For proof. That's blatantly one of the best first time sets I've ever seen. What's your actual name since you wrote your name next to your Twitter handle and then didn't come up when I read that. What's your name? Chandler Raper.

Oh, okay. This is you. There's enough jokes already. You're going to be a huge star Chandler. Raperling, no D. Welcome to show business. Holy shit, where are you from? Alabama. Wow.

Nice. Now, did you know the show coming from Alabama? No, I didn't. My buddy told me about it the other day, so I've been listening to the podcast, listening to the feedback that other people have gotten. Stand-up something you've always wanted to do? It's something that I've been thinking about doing for a while, and I finally just got the balls to do it. Yeah, I do. How long have you been here?

I lived here from 2007 to 2010 and went back to Alabama, and I've been here now since April. That's awesome, man. Awesome, man. Yeah. It's so exciting. What did you do? What were you doing in Alabama? How old are you? 26. Awesome. And what were you doing

in Alabama? Well, I moved back. My wife is from here, and we moved back. We had our daughter there. She's three now, so I was just driving a forklift, working at a warehouse. Man, you're just fucking the coolest. I am so emotional right now. It's like a Disney movie right now, but they'll have to take the N-words out.

Yeah. If this were athletics, it would be a movie, though. Yeah. Now, it's Chandler. It's not Chandler. It's not Chandler. Just driving a forklift, headphones listening to Chris Rock. One day.

That's so fun. What made you start tonight? Well, I actually came last week and saw how it went, and I think this is a good setup with getting constructive criticism and feedback, so it's different than any other open mic. You're just going up, and you don't know if people like it or not, you know, because it's a room full of fellow comedians in an open mic. But you actually get feedback here.

So I thought this was the time to do it. I like you so much. I like you so much. You did great. Like, I really thought you had been doing it for a while. And then I actually was doing something. I missed like that one sentence where you said you were married for a while. I appreciate that. I actually was doing something and I missed that one sentence where you said you were married to a black chick.

And I was just like, holy shit, this guy is being really racy. And then I started like, oh shit, I'm wearing the wrong shirt for this. So I just went like this for a while. You think it's racy if he doesn't say he's married to a half black chick. Should I just leave that out?

Should I just leave that out? What's that? Should I just leave out that I'm married to a black chick? No, that was good. No, no, no. Isn't that interesting? It's not the content. Should I just leave that out? What's that? Should I just leave out that I'm going to tell my kids? No, no, no. That was good. No, no, no. I think that's very cool

because at first I was kind of like, but I still liked it. But I would have liked to have known that first. That would have made me more comfortable. Sorry you weren't

paying attention. That's funny because he's serious. He's very genuine. I know. He's shaking, but making strong eye contact. It's the confidence of a guy that's been doing this a few years.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's ridiculous. You never did any other open mics, or have you ever been on stage for anything like plays or band or anything like that? I did a couple of plays when I was in high school, and when I came out here in 07, I did some small student films. The craziest part is how close we came to him

not coming up. Let me remind you. I just set this Twitter account up yesterday because I heard you giving people shit for not having one. I mean, wait a minute. Chandler with no V is Chandler with not. Right.

Damn, he's the next red sand. How freaked out would you have been had there been a guy with the name Chandler with not that came up? And you're just like, fuck. I started to just go as Chandler because I thought I was going to get shit for my last name. So I would have really been confused if it would have to be two Chandlers. You got to own that shit, brother. No, you got to change it. Having a last name like Raper

completely matches your crazy Alabama perspective. Jews change their last name because it has man at the end. Glassman, that's racy. Glassman's racy? I'm not changing my name, but Jews change their name all the time.

I'm German. I had to change my name because it was like Third Reichel. I had to change it to because it was like Third Reichel. You know, it was just not... I had to change it to Red Band. It's true. Yeah. His last name is Reichel. Do you have any idea how German that is?

That's like fucking insane. I can't work in this city with Reichel. It's true. That's why he's Brian Red Band. Yep. We learned a lot about everything here tonight. Great job, dude. Thank y'all very much. Great job, dude.

Chandler, amazing job. Probably one of the best first-time performances I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot of those on this show. So please come back again soon, Chandler. And do spots as often as you can. I mean, having a three-year-old's I'm sure pretty time-consuming. I'll be back.

His wife just said, not really. No, to the three-year-old being time-consuming. I'll be back. Yeah, please do. His wife just said, not really. No, to the three-year-old being time-consuming. Oh, perfect. Well, then let him do comedy. Where is he now? Because he's got natural talent. What, the three-year-old signed up? What's going on?

Oh, interesting. You guys can be some kind of power couple. How are you guys doing? Are you feeling good? Jesus, this three-year-old's got a deep voice. Which brings me to a question that I always ask my first-time guests, which is you guys. Is there something that you did when you very first started comedy,

maybe your first time, your first week, your first few months? Is there something you did on stage or something that happened that you just can't believe and you didn't know how to handle it or something goofy that you just can't believe that you did, that you regretted or something like that? If anybody heckled me, I'd have a panic attack, one. Two, I couldn't hold the microphone here because my hands would shake, so I'd always hold it like this, and then I'd have to pace. I'd have to keep moving around. So I was just like this asshole blue-eyed kid in a polo shirt walking around like a rapper

just shouting nonsense and people would be like fuck you and i would ignore that like oh this guy really loves himself he's even ignoring the hecklers but in reality i was scared shitless i couldn't watch a tape if i set up a tape i was just going in and out like you don't fucking know what's going on just swearing it was it's the worst that's so awesome yeah that's blatantly that's why i'm always impressed when especially a first timer gets up and stands still that used to be the most impressive thing to me if you could stand still and talk slowly yeah and also i still haven't figured out how to do a joke in a minute so that's really impressive it was really impressive i'm pretty guilty of that same thing when i first started uh a lot of looking down and pacing back and forth i remember that specifically it was very hard to lift up and connect and uh zero pauses for me just no pauses like joke joke

joke joke no just like suck it in a bit give it right give that awkward silence a bit yeah if you want to let them connect to you It's just you were just shooting. It's kind of like a timing belt. You have to find your normal timing belt sometimes. Because I find myself, even up to this day, like I'll smoke too much weed or something, go on stage, and I'll be speeding up too fast. It's like, oh, I sound like I'm on Coke or something right now.

Rick, when you started, anything crazy? I mean, I'll let you answer it. I'm curious what you were going to say. I was going to say, you know, a lot of people might not know, you know, I was around you a lot when you started here and you've always taken an incredible amount of risks. I mean, I

consider you the closest thing that we have to like a young Andy Kaufman or Sasha Baron Cohen or like somebody who just does, who absolutely goes for it and it's always something different. And so I know that you can't really regret that.

But I mean, it's not- I don't regret any of it. But one thing I know from it is, and it's nothing specific, it's forever now included and will be. A lot of times I have jokes that I don't know how to tell. I don't know how to do it right.

I would tell a joke and it's so funny to me and I know it is and I'm doing it and then I'm not only not getting laughs, I'm getting like, fuck you. Like no one's heckling me with fuck you.

It's like looking at me like that. And then when I got a little bit better, I would have, the only compliments I would get were a couple people come up to me after a show and they'd say, I got it. And emphasis the I, like, don't worry, buddy. Don't worry, I get what you're doing. It's like,

just don't talk to me. I get it. I'm not there. So it's just, I didn't know how to articulate what I was doing. That was, that's hard. Not being able to communicate. I'm sure you got a lot of that because it was so, you know, it started with, when I've seen this with so many of the great comedians, it starts in the back of the room and then

works its way forward. You know, Fahim Anwar is another one like that who, when you see him on stage, you sort of sit down. Yeah. And like, because you sort of don't know what's going to happen. There's a select few that it's more exciting than... Than Brent or something. Well, no.

The people that are just trying to refine things all the time. Not to say that you're not... It's just two different types of refining and taking chances is letting it rip and going with something completely crazy and in the moment or trying to make a bit better. Anyway, sometimes things come to a complete halt as far as

the comedy part of things. How about one more time for Chandler, guys? Was that crazy or what? That was insane. He's got that Alabama cadence. You never know when he might say something completely out of control. Right? Felt like anything could happen.

Your next comedian goes by the name of TJ Blair. Oh, sure. TJ Blair with no R. This guy looks stoned. Oh, this is the Mormon. Oh, hi, T.J. Hi. So good etiquette dictates that a gentleman should open the door for a lady.

That tradition comes from a long time ago when doors were dog shit and really hard to open. I feel like it's an even plane for opening doors now. Dating can be hard. I happen, this is true, I share the same exact name with a notorious serial killer rapist. And it makes online dating really difficult. I found this out by several Tinder dates telling me the exact same thing. They Googled my name, said they were creeped out by the result. Oh, and the serial killer rapist, he dominates the search results because he's the first guy convicted of using DNA evidence. But just in case anyone's fact-checking TJ Blair against

that, you won't find that I'm using a fake name on stage today so that this set isn't the second result when girls search my name. Woo, fuck. All right, shit. All right, TJ, let's talk about it. Now, I think I remember you from, was it last week you got on? Last week, yeah. With Garland and Sinbad.

Yeah, that was my first time. Ever on stage. Correct. How many spots have you done in between now and then? Zero. Yeah, I could tell. I liked how you were reading it completely, but you looked up every now and then as if you were giving a speech,

and you wanted us to think it was at least extemporaneous. But you said, and then you look up for four words. You didn't have to even look up. It took away. Let it be reading. You were like Sarah Silverman from the future. I don't know. That's over my head.

I gotta say something. I like the door joke. I totally fucked that joke up. Who's Janine Garofalo from the future? Everyone goes nuts now. I'll edit that in. Awesome. We get it.

You say we get it. Yeah. We get it. Burn it down. Holy shit. What happened to the belly room? Red Band said this fucking hilarious joke. And he fucked it up, but it still played.

The walls broke down. I like the doors being really hard to open. That made me laugh, for real. I can only imagine with eye contact. Honestly, dude, you have one minute when I was getting at you. I mean, there's people like Janine Garofalo that will sit there with her notebook on a

stool or something and look at it sometimes, but it's more just a reminder to the next 15 minutes set. You can't just fucking sit there for one minute and go, I don't have one minute's worth of material so I'm just going to hold my phone and block my face with it and just scroll. You can't do that. He's done it twice.

I think as long as he gets up, if that's what he needs to do for a little bit. Maybe. If you have one minute though, you can't remember what will be of. I'm working for you, man. I meant it as a plan B, but last week I blanked on stage when Jeff Garlin asked me a question. So you read your whole minute off your phone. But he got back on the horse, but didn't watch where he was writing. Right.

It's okay. Well, you know, maybe you could be the first comedian with, like, an iPhone sponsorship and just fucking come out and just fucking read everything, just giving the logo. Josh, did you have anything to say? It looked like you were... Josh left. He just got back. He had to go save someone.

You know it's bad when Josh walks away from the entire show. I don't even really have to pee, but I'm going to go try to push one out anyway. You walk 20% of the hosts. I feel good about not being there for the set.

Oh, I thought positivity was your thing. Positivity. Once people aren't against you, you'll fight, huh? You know it. What the fuck? TJ, first of all, I want to tell you that I love your work in Varsity Blues. It was awesome. You play college quarterbackbacks so well.

People will give you shit. You're converted. You're not Mormon anymore, but you came from a Mormon family and a heavy Mormon upbringing. Is that what we talked about last week? Oh, really? Now you live in LA. You want to start stand-up comedy.

Not particularly as a career. To make people laugh. But those that do it for a career, what are they doing for? Money. Really? What was that?

No, it seemed like a good challenge. I'm a fan of stand-up comedy, and you always think you can do it. Is that a real thing? Do you not want to say you want to do it for a career because you feel like you don't want to put too much on the lines for him to make fun of you or something or you really don't want to do it

I've thought about it at this stage I know I'm not oblivious to the grind that you have to go through so I'm just trying what do you do for work? photographer and want to be entrepreneur just trying to make websites so there's three things that are grinds What do you do for work? Photographer and want to be entrepreneur. Just trying to make websites.

So there's three things that are grinds. Right. That's good. Two of those are hot guy jobs, by the way. Photographer and entrepreneur. State of comedy is the best job ever. You get a lot of pussy, right? Would you say state of comedy is the best job? Now that I could eat because of it.

Right. Well, when somebody puts entrepreneur as its competitor, it's sort of tough. And also, if entrepreneur isn't first, how hard are you knocking on doors? Right. How hard are you? Oh, not very hard. So you don't want to be entrepreneur for a career either, just something that you want to make people laugh at.

No, it's a stress-free living. I don't know. I feel you. I'm in. either, just something that you want to make people laugh at. No, it's stress-free living. Come on. Is entrepreneurial like a referral code for stamps.com? Or is that what you're... What if you just beat the shit out of one of us? I can't lose to that.

Supplements online. So it is. How much is he worth? Millions and millions of dollars. He'd look rich as shit. No, I live on a sailboat, and I'm almost homeless. So rich. You live on a sailboat? Yeah.

Another hot guy thing to say. Uh-huh. I'm an entrepreneur. I live on a boat. I'm homeless. But, you know, it's like I know the chick who owns it. Her husband's rich. Did you know chicks just hate going back to a sailboat?

I mean, it's just the worst. Do you have a sailboat. It's just the worst. Does a sailboat have a covered spot like you could go under and sleep? Or is it just like I'm picturing a canoe with a sail? No, it's legit. Like Kurt Russell's sailboat. You have a bed, you have a refrigerator, and you still want to shit and stuff?

Yeah, a 30-foot boat. You're homeless with a 30-foot boat? He's an entrepreneur! No, it's a 1970 boat. It costs $2,000. It's not. I want a 30-foot boat for $2,000. Fuck it, Brent. Get a bigger one, man.

Yeah! How big? 40 feet. How much is a 40-foot? That would then be $2,500. Yeah, yeah, roundabouts. That's a lot of money. $10,000 for a 40-foot boat? You spent $10,000 on Uber this month Oh come on That's not true

Good joke though It's solid Uber's fun Hey if you guys are gonna yell anything out Which I'm not saying do I don't know the format But at least let us hear Otherwise you're just room tone

The problem is Is that he sits under me And then we fucking talk He was still saying something It's on us So it's $10,000 for a sailboat For a 40 foot boat The problem is that he sits under me, and then we fucking talked. He was still saying something. It's on us. So it's $10,000 for a sailboat. For a 40-foot boat. For a 40-foot boat.

I own a 27-foot boat. Of course you do. You look like a pirate. You look awesome. Pi had a free boat. I want a boat. TJ. Can I make my jokes better?

What's that? I mean, so cute. Jesus Christ. What did you say? the jokes um how can i make those better i'll tell you exactly how you have to be able to the fact that you blanked out with jeff garland last week can't put you farther in a bubble you have to use it as a lesson in going harder looking at your phone and falling back on notes it's not going to take you to the next level that's taking you back a level than you were even at last week when you

weren't reading your minute off of a phone. You could get used to blanking too. You'll have more time to work on your timing and your connection with the crowd if you're not staring at your phone the entire time. So the jokes can't even begin work until... That comes with repetition too. Some comics I know

when they're doing their set and their wife's about to go through labor, will have them stare at their phone as they do their set in case the wife calls. You are so happy with that detail. Get it? Alright. I don't. Why did I jump on board of that bomb? I could have let you

sit in that shit, but then I said, you know what? You're not going down alone. I get the bit. If somebody's telling a joke and their wife's in labor, they'd be like, oh, fuck. And then blank because their wife's in labor. That was the bit. It's not necessarily funny, but it makes sense to what he just fucking did. Handshaking, looking at the phone, panic, get back to the boat, get the suitcase for the wife, get back to the hospital, figure it out. Thank you for the golf clap.

And the other thing is, is that you can do this as a hobby, but you can't expect to just, you know. You can't expect. If you're doing it for laughter and not as a career, it's not going well either. It's the difference between an actor and a comedian. A comedian goes on stage every day, takes those ideas, works them out on stage,

figures them out, fine-tunes them. But you're going up. At the beginning, you should be going up at least twice a night for at least five nights a week. And if you don't have that, then you're just always going to become... Just an entrepreneur. Even the two people that have a regular spot here every week at the end of the show

go and do spots every night at other places and work hard at it. It's not just something you can dabble in. You have to go all the way or you know. I also would say a good piece of advice and this goes for any aspiring comedian is flush out that door bit. I'm into that. Talk more about the

weird doors. Rick loves that shit. I love that door joke. I never got it. I don't get why we have to hold doors. I'm I think it's insulting to hold a door open for someone saying you can't do this. Yeah, that's the point. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, same thing. You don't crush their teeth or anything. Rick just took that thing.

You did another thing. Oh, shit. TJ, thank you so much. TJ Blair. Yeah. There he goes. You get the pregnancy thing now. Josh, what did you think of TJ Blair? A few weeks ago he was a Mormon. Here it comes. Still better than me.

Josh. There you go. Josh, you're good. You made me laugh when I saw you perform. But they laughed harder at me being self-deprecating. Oh, you do it for them. He does it for the laughter, not for a career. You do it for the puss.

How the fuck do you do that? How do you get everybody on your side and then just go the other way? You're like a child actor who just started fucking swearing during a live taping of something. How's that going? How's doing it for the puss going for you, Josh? Just pull a goddamn name up.

Oh, you son of a bitch. Now, you podcast listeners can't see Josh smiling right now apologetically. Just pull out a fucking tree. I can't believe I just fucking said that. So I just want to let you listeners know that that's exactly what's going on,

this little motherfucker. Put your hands together for your next comedian. I will listen to him, though. Your next comic is Timothy Cash. Oh, here he comes. He started the vlog. He's excited. He's applauded with everyone else.

I think he got it. He just bashed it. This fucking song would get me amped to do a minute right now. All right. So I just got a smart car. I already had a smart phone. I eat smart food.

I drink smart water. I'm a fucking genius. Mind if I still have my wisdom teeth? That was a smart joke. Am I racist if I think Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth look the same? Just found out I have a cavity. Unfortunately, I learned it while I was at the airport

and it was getting searched. Just found out I have a cavity. Unfortunately, I learned it while I was at the airport and it was getting searched. I think everybody with one leg should eat for free at IHOP. I got a buddy who lost his leg from the knee down. He should at least get half off. A cat and a bear walk into a gay bar. The cat says,

So the bear reaches over to the bartender, grabs him and says, I think we see what the half attempts on all parts there. You got to tell me when you want to play. You nail everybody on the 58 seconds. It also doesn't work when you do it at the 49 second mark. That's what I'm going to do. Hey, and also because sometimes I don't do a minute. If you are really kicking ass, I've even gone up to a minute 18 seconds before. Don't worry about what I'm doing.

Yeah, and also don't worry. You weren't kicking that much ass that we would have let you do a minute 18. But to bail on 49. But it was great. You have amazing jokes. That was good, man. It was actually great work. Yeah. That's really good. I mean, that's sort of something

that I think I've thought about, which is always the funniest joke, when you hear somebody say something that you've sort of thought of. That's brilliant. That one and the IHOP, I was actually thinking, I was like, man, was it a stone? And I heard someone else say that. That IHOP just seemed too hilarious.

I was like, that's just ridiculously obvious. They do look a lot alike, though. I don't think that's racist. They do look alike. If you said, is it racist if I think Aunt Jemima and LeBron James look alike? I think that'd be a great tag. And you think Uncle Ben was fucking Angel Mino? Right after that.

Yeah, I also think that every black person looks alike. What? No, I'm saying as a tag. You're saying as the third. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You say this and then you say that and then you fucking get on board. Right.

Yeah, Timothy. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Probably done it like 20 times. Wow, that's it? I was in Kansas City doing it like for about six months. I'd go up every Monday night. It was one of those things where you just call, and it's just like downstairs.

The whole crowd is just comedians. That's it. So, you drive like 35 minutes to do it, and I was just like, fuck it. I was like, I'm. I'll go to California. You should be doing it all the time because you're going to grow into an amazing comedian, man, because that was fucking really good for

20 times. Seriously. I just do it consistently. No, you're a great writer. I mean, if you wrote those, those were awesome. Yeah, I appreciate it. Fun jokes. What was the first one? The first one was the smart car. See, that too. Like the smart car, the smart phone, smart food, and smart water. I was like, that's got to one was the smart car. See, that too. The smart car, the smart phone, smart food, and smart water.

I was like, that's got to be. Somebody had to have said that before. What's smart food? I was going to say smart chicken, but in Kansas, there's smart chicken. I don't know if they have that out here. There's smart chicken that's completely organic, blah, blah, blah, but they always also say this is like a super food or shit like that.

So I just said smart food and smart water. And it was a smart joke. The only thing that's funny, though, you always see don't drink smart water. Smart food might throw somebody. Forget that. Because everything is a thing. Smarties. You've got to throw smarties in the mix.

I even eat smarties. Hell, I even have my wisdom teeth. And smart and final. Yeah, smart and final. That's everywhere, right? Just beat it to shreds. You could get a drink at the Genius Bar. Yeah, Smart and Final. That's everywhere, right? Just beat it to shreds. You could get a drink at the Genius Bar. What's Smart and Final?

Smart and Final is a grocery store. You could. Can you get a drink at the Genius Bar? Take an iPad and a beer? Yeah. This fucking place is great. I love the Grove. I mean, if you add Smart in front of food, you can just add smart in front of anything, though.

Why only... The smart shirt. That's all they do nowadays. I mean, the smart shirt. Smart shoes. Smart shoes. Fuck the smart girl. What, uh...

I got a smart puppy. Why have you only done it 20 times, Timothy? What do you do for fun? What do you do for work? Wait tables. Because I'm living in a camper. Smart camper.

That's awesome. It's easy to crash out there. I love the types of homes that our comedians tonight have had. This goes to show you that it's tough. A trailer, a boat, and a hot air balloon.

I want to live in a trailer. I think that sounds like the best idea. You'd be surprised how easy you could do that. Imagine just having one of those silver ones and just going, you know what, I'm going to live in San Diego for a couple weeks. You can just drive to San Diego. I guess I could get a trailer like a dressing room. A Mel Gibson Lethal Weapon

one I'm in. Yeah, I'm talking about the silver ones. All you need is office, kitchen,

bedroom, and maybe a living room. That's a lot in one trailer. That's a

lot for a car. Yeah, but the silver one you gotta pull behind. You want

one that you can drive. One that you can drive. You just pull it

right into a parking spot. Smart spot. Smart spot. Like a

camper. Yeah, that's cool. Do you poop inside your trailer? I have the smallest camper you can imagine. Like a camper. Yeah, that's cool. Do you poop inside your trailer? I have the smallest camper you could imagine. Everybody's like, oh, that's fucking awesome. I'm like, no, dude, it's not like a big camper.

I'm 6'4", maybe like 6'3". My camper's about 6 foot, so I can't even stand up tall in my camper. And the air conditioning hits my head. Smart head. It's not awesome. It was a cool experience. You know it's bad when Josh is laughing out loud at you, by the way. He's just cracking up at the thought that you...

You have to include the Pontiac vibe in the... Right. The only person I know that slept in a Pontiac vibe for the last couple years is laughing at your living situation. I'm still living in the Pontiac vibe. Still living in the Pontiac vibe, but he's laughing at... Smart bugs. At least I don't have bed bugs. Smart bugs. At least he's tall enough to stand up straight in his Pontiac Vibe. Still living in the Pontiac Vibe, but he's laughing at pictures. Smart bugs. At least I don't have bed bugs.

Smart bugs. At least he's tall enough to stand up straight in his Pontiac Vibe. No, it does have a – it actually has a shower. It has a shower and a toilet. The tall is kind of good too. The only reason I was able to leave Kansas City and go in it was because it has a shower and a toilet. So I was like, all right, fuck it. I was like, I can take it.

Instead of just going camping, I was like, I can live in this for a couple years. Worst case scenario. But without the shower or the bathroom, no way. Because I'm not going to be fuck it. I was like, I can take it. Instead of just going camping, I was like, I can live in this for like a couple years. Worst case scenario. But without the shower or the bathroom, no way. Because I'm not going to be one of those guys that does it in like a public restroom like bathing, you know. No, you don't have to do that. You just need diapers and a water bottle. It's a lot cheaper than buying one that has a shower in it and you get a better one. No, I just

already had the camper. And I was like, fuck it. I'm getting the hell out of Kansas City. But it's funny because the shower is like this tall and the toilet is in the shower. Did you have to drive? Wait a second. I had to sit in the shower. You get to sit in the shower.

Are you sure you're not so stupid? That's a privilege. It's a smart shower. It actually is awesome. It's like surprisingly awesome because you're just sitting there and then you're like, yeah, I got to like shit. There's nothing surprising about that.

If I could take a shit in my shower. And then you take the little shower thing and make it a bidet. And you're like, this is actually not that bad. I feel like neither one of us are listening to the other one. Did you have to drive the camper here?

Yes, I did. Man, where do you park that? Smart spot. I mean, it's one of those things where it sucks because it's so small, but it's such a small camper, it can fit in any

regular parking spot. Oh, my God. Are you just here to sell campers? Smart approach. Now, my God. Are you just here to sell campers? Smart approach. Now, describe this toilet in the shower for me real quick. Just picture everything you need. That sounds awesome.

What is a toilet? What? It's like a little plastic toilet that's in there. In the shower? Inside the shower. Is it all one drain? Like what's going on here? Like the toilet.

It's horrible. When you go in the toilet, it just collects. And then you have to hit a switch that makes it drop down into the actual tank. And every time, every once in a while, I'm terrified that I'm going to have like too much coming out of me that's going to pile up. Oh, like a slack mic. Is it like an airplane toilet? Or is it like a smart toilet? Does an airplane toilet collect?

Yeah, it collects, and then you let it go. I've never shit in an airplane. I guess it's like that, but I still think it's pretty shallow. Every once in a while, I'm worried it's going to touch me. Can't you just flush it as you're going? No, because if you hold the thing open, it runs the water through the thing. And the water that I have for that goes to my shower, and I've only got like 15 gallons.

So you have to fill it up all the time? I have to stretch that. Where do you get the water? I try to stretch that like two weeks. There's a place out there you go pay $10 and dump your shit and then get new water. Oh, my God. Somebody works at that place? Here's your water.

Give me your shit. What was that, Rick? Literally the shittiest job. Shit water here. They always want my ID and my license plate number. I need your ID and license. And DNA.

Do you ever have an emergency drop-off and I want to take a shower and there's poop everywhere and you just have to drop it off in somebody's trash can? Have you ever done an emergency drop-off and I want to take a shower and there's poop everywhere and you just have to drop it off in somebody's trash can? Have you ever done an emergency drop-off somewhere? You ever do the old one in the tank, two in the stank? High five.

Smart joke. By the way, every time the magical word of the day was smart and we just raised $7,000 for children. For children. For starving. Smart children, Josh said.

Oh, I like that, Josh. What do you get when you go to college and someone pays for it if you're smart? A scholarship. Yeah. Timothy, thank you so much. Thank you, man. Good joke. I like your smart chain Fuck yeah

Josh that was a good ad That was a good ad You said it quietly Nobody knows what we're talking about You think we get two more? The smart kids thing We raised 7,000 children for children You said smart children.

Yeah, but I set it up. Yeah, you set it up. He called it back. Smart. You kind of... Fuck, Josh! This is what good basketball players do. They say they'll beat each other.

Thank you. We're always very happy when we see this name in the pile. Put your hands together for the great Katie Manzella, everybody. Katie Manzella. Oh, oh, oh, oh, everybody. Katie Manzella. Hey, I wasn't expecting that. How is everyone? Good, okay. So I was just, like, reminiscing

about, you know, my childhood a little bit earlier and all the games I used to like to play. One of my favorite games I used to play used to be called, Is this morning sickness or is this alcohol poisoning? And luckily it was always alcohol poisoning. Except for this one time.

And so I just did the responsible thing, and I got high on acid all weekend. And I was just like, whoops, you know, where'd my baby go? No, I know where it went. It went to Jesus' abortion daycare in heaven because they can't take care of themselves up there, you know? But it's like, I don't understand why people say don't do drugs while you're pregnant

because as far as I'm concerned, it's the best way to get rid of a baby, you know? Why would I... Does that mean I'm done? Yeah, that's a minute. That was a minute? Katie Manzola just killed for a minute, everybody. That was so fun.

Linear time, guys. Linear time. I love your style. I was going to say, I like your cadence. Your cadence is unbelievably cool and so refined. Thank you. I bet you've been doing a lot of spots. I bet you've been doing a lot of comedy.

I haven't seen you in a couple months. I paid my dues. I used to do it a lot of comedy. I'm guessing. I haven't seen you in a couple months. I definitely paid my dues. I used to do it a lot, but lately I go up when I can, but I hate to say that, but I feel like when you just come up and you know this is what you were born to do, you fucking do it. Damn, okay.

I love that you're giving your Emmy acceptance speech right now. Sorry, I'm in a good mood. I have a question, and maybe I'm wrong. I was apparently wrong about the hair, although I don't think I am. But doing drugs doesn't just make the baby disappear. It just fucks it up when it's born, right? I mean, I...

You can't smoke pot and then the baby just falls out of the smart toilet. I don't think pot would fuck with a baby. I think that's absolutely false. Right. But what about the acid? I think your baby would just be born really high and happy. What's wrong with that? No, I'm just saying,

you just said that doing the drugs made the baby go away. I was just wondering, is that like a thing? Yeah, you can totally, if you telepathically communicate to the soul who wants to enter your vessel while tripping on psychedelics, anything is possible. Okay. Very cool.

Duh. Powerful Katie Manzella. I love your style. You're just so confident and like, you're like peaceful. I will say, I like your cadence on stage and I'm happy it's the same when you're done. You know what I mean? No, like sometimes when somebody does something, it's like, hey, where are we going?

It's like, oh, fucking, that's not you up there. Yeah. That's you. I like that. Yeah, this is me. Exactly. This is me. Well, thanks for having me.

That was fun. Bye. What do you keep in your pouch? What's on your necklace? Oh, this is a crystal. You're so funny. Baby gave it to her before she left. Here you go, mother.

I'm going to Gondola now. Take care. The great Katie Manzella, everybody. There she goes. Thank you, Katie. Katie Manzella on Twitter. I didn't see it. It's cut off there.

Okay, put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Sarah Kenny, everybody. So did you know that women who wear high-heeled shoes are actually twice as likely to have children as women who don't who are in their same socioeconomic group and it's like partly because they look better but it's mostly because they can't get away i was at the uh i was at a gas station and i saw for sale this air freshener shaped like a marijuana leaf.

And it smelled like marijuana. And I was like, finally I can get all of that incriminating odor without the annoying euphoria that normally goes along with it. So did you ever get an abortion? And then you run into the guy that had knocked you up and he's got a baby with him and it looks a lot like you? So for a second you're like,

oh, he kept it. Wait a minute. Fuck yeah, that's exactly a minute. Sarah Kenny. Nice. Awesome. What was that second joke? What was it again?

The air freshener? Yeah, that's amazing. That's hilarious. Thank you. A great, great, great joke. I like that you smile on stage. You're just flirting with everyone. No, I'm just saying.

It's nice to, you know, especially if you're going to talk about certain things, like abortion, if you have a positive attitude. You've got to be smiling when you talk about abortion. Yeah, because if you frown, then maybe you have feelings. I always laugh when I kill something. Otherwise, why am I killing it? Exactly.

Did you guys ever kill an animal when you were a kid? Especially a bird. Wait, hold on. Why especially a bird? We had a weird thing happen the other night. Just answer the question. What's the craziest thing you ever killed when you were a kid? A bobcat.

It was a standoff when I was five at the bus stop. You choked it out? I was like, we're doing this! The old mountain choke out? Beat the shit out of him with a Jansport backpack and then went to school. I love it. I was sad about that. No, but have you guys ever heard of her?

Closest thing is my father closing the garage and it killing Hershey, my cat. Whoa. But that's on my dad. It's a very slow. You killed your cat? Cat couldn't get out of the way? How fast that garage closed? It was two doors down.

No, it was two doors down. It wasn't like a Star Wars door. He just thought it could make it. It said, I could make it. Slowly? It's a garage door. No, but it's two doors. I don't know, man. Maybe my dad did it on purpose. What do thought it could make it. He said, I could make it. Slowly? It's a garage door. No, but it's two doors. I don't know, man.

Maybe my dad did it on purpose. What do you mean? Two doors down is a three doors down cover band. That's smart. It was like 500 feet away or something. My dad closed the garage. It's just a spoiled cat. He's like, I don't need to rush.

Oh, no. Wait, I missed it. Cat was under the door when the door came down? Where were you? I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out. Well, that's what I want to know what two doors down means. That's a fan. No, man. It was two doors down. Like two houses

down. Next door. Two doors. Oh, it tried to run in and it just was perfect timing Or horrible timing The cup is half killing him Oh my god Were you there? Were you around for that? I was at home and my dad told me And I was crying

I was so attached to that cat How old were you? Ten I used to keep a photo book, and I had a picture of Hershey, and I put a heart around it and stuff. And I remember I went to school the next day, and on the bus, I didn't want to talk about it because I feel like you're not supposed to put your problems on other people. But I acted sadder than I – I was really sad, but I really telegraphed my sadness waiting for someone to say what's the matter. Like a girl you like on the bus or something? Hershey.

Just a friend. You telegraphed my sadness? Is that what you said? and say what's the matter. Like a girl you like on the bus or something? Hershey. Just a friend. He's like, what's the matter? Telegraphed my sadness? Is that what you said? Yeah, it's like, you put it on a little bit more so somebody notices.

I'm talking about my cat. Hey, Barbara. Well, I never heard that phrase. Hershey got the name, I'm guessing, because it was dark brown? Black. Black.

Yeah, we couldn't tell the difference. When the garage door came down and I did shit all over his ass? No, we didn't name it after it died, man. This is how it died. We'll call it Hershey. What's crazy is that after it's flattened by the garage door,

it probably looked like a Hershey bar, right? You should have seen my dog, actually. We named it Decapitated Head. And Brent's dog drowned in the pool. That's great comedy. You're right. Get off. decapitated head. And Brent's dog drowned in the pool. Rick. Get off. Get off. Hey, Josh.

What's the craziest animal you ever killed? Not the craziest thing you did, but the animal that was the craziest. I shot a deer once. Really? Hunting or just like mad? No, hunting. You go hunting? I did it once. Really? Hunting or just like mad? No, hunting. With like one of those blow arrows? You go hunting? Like a gun.

I did it once. I killed something. With like a gun or with a gun? Was it a fucking super soaker or how did you kill this deer? It was a rifle. Did you kill it in one hit? Yes. Were you wearing that outfit? Did you feel bad or get excited? Nothing.

You were just this? I didn't really want to do it. Wait a minute, you were peer pressured into murder? He was deer pressured. Smart. He was deer pressured. He was pressured by another deer. Do it!

Kill my brother! Not only did you not want to kill the deer, which you did with a shotgun in one hit, you didn't even feel anything after? I was like 14. I thought you were going to say 4. As a special treat to the crowd, just doing a minute and getting

no talking feedback, I want to bring up a very funny friend who every once in a while graces us with his presence. One of my favorite comedians. Put your hands together for the great Matt Devlin, everybody. Thank you very much. Chandler, well played, dude. Sorry about Neely.

All right, we've learned a lot tonight. Stop the clock. I said we learned a lot tonight. Stop the clock. It's the only night I need feedback. My name is Matt Devlin. I currently reside in a quaint little seaside community called Venice. You've heard of it.

99% of the population is no longer able to defecate without having a smartphone at the tip of their arm. So you very obviously are aware that a guy was struck by lightning and killed there yesterday. My downstairs neighbor is clearly in the 1% of the population because I bumped into him this morning and I said, did you hear what happened on the beach? And he said, no, what happened? And I said, a guy got struck by lightning and died.

And he said, wow, that's terrible. He goes, the only thing worse than that would be getting hit by a plane. I said, well, that's funny. Because at approximately the exact same time, on the other side of the country in Venice, Florida, a guy got hit by a plane and was killed. You can look it up on Google.

Is that it? No, well, see, that's my conundrum. I think it's funny. And I don't know where this joke is going, but I would like to think that you could help me prepare For the next time there is a freak accident Where a person dies

And then there is another freak accident where a person dies At the exact same time on the exact same day Did that really happen? Venice, Florida, dude got run over by a plane on the beach Venice, California Dude got struck by lightning at approximately 3pm yesterday How funny is that, America? Well, it struck the water And he was in the water, I heard.

But, yeah, a lot of people got injured from that. Well, he didn't get struck directly by the lightning. It was effective because he's now on ice. All right, Matt Devlin, everybody. We're going to move on. He attacked the newest premise. I'll give him that it didn't really come around in the end

but well the neighbors saying oh the only thing worse than that is getting hit by a plane it's like well you know you die both die so they're both bad yeah I believe that I mean it's crazy it's like Fox News it's craziness alright everybody we are in a ruckus

who's still with us on Monday night, huh? This is the part of the show where you have two regulars. There's two girls that do a minute each week. They write a brand new minute every single week, and we love watching them grow and sometimes take a step back. Sometimes things are crazy. Some weeks are easier and harder than others, but they're the only two people that pretty much anybody knows

that writes a brand new minute each week and definitely tries it out and puts it out there. So put your hands together for your first regular going up tonight. You know her as the college dropout after her first spot here on Kill Tony. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Hey, guys. What's up? Yeah, I'm Kim. I did drop out of college.

I do stand up. It takes a lot of my time. And I need you guys to connect with me for a minute. Have you guys ever taken a shower so quick that you only wash your fuckable parts? You get it, right? Brush your teeth, the front the front the back armpit if i'm feeling freaky you know stand-up does take a lot of my time and uh being a woman and doing stand-up is different

because i think a lot about what i'm going to do when i want to have children one day and i realized that i just need to find a man that's a stay-at-home father. I need to find someone sensitive who listens, is good with children, is honest, loyal. I need to date a woman I think is what I need to do.

I'm kind of selfish so that when I leave, I know that I'll always be calling my husband... Alright. Oh, wow. Really right. All right. Oh, wow. Really listen to the rules. Do the cue.

Yeah, very listen to the rules there. Wow. Were you close to the end on that? I was just going to say, I'm selfish. So when I call back home, I always call my husband. I'm like, whatever you do, make sure you're taking really, really good care of my Emmys. Because you can always make another kid, but... Gotcha.

Can't get two Emmys, right? I mean, you can. You probably will, but... Yeah. Well, that's exciting. That's funny stuff. What was the one thing that I really liked? The shower thing, by the way, it's called stripper shower.

It's, you know, butthole, dick, armpits. Yeah, but I feel like Fuckable Hearts described it all. It's called a stripper shower if you've dated a stripper before I've never heard a stripper shower if you know what it's called if you haven't I think it's called

being clean when you don't have time yeah yeah well you just don't want to smell like buttholes, cum or poop what would you call

a shower where you wash everything but the dick and ass the lonely the lonely baptism. I love that. When you're so confident that nothing could possibly happen to you. I'll get this job, but no one's sucking my dick. I'm just going to wash my forearms and my shins.

Forearms and shins, that's it. You got a great smell of forearms. I like that bit. That was great. Thank you. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Great job.

I like how you talk about yourself. I like how you talk about yourself. Thank you. Flirting. It's good to do it. Can't help it. It's Kate. Another brand new minute from the great Kimberly Congdon.

Thank you guys. There she goes. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. And your final regular tonight. Always goofy and fun. Thank you, guys. There she goes. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. And your final regular tonight, always goofy and fun. Put your hands together for the great Sarah Weinshain. What's up? Hey.

Hey. Hey. Erasers I feel like erasers are to blame for making people mediocre and lazy it's like oh you made a mistake no problem just take a pink pearl to it

you can kind of get rid of it kind of but it's never really fucking gone you can always see sort of what was there it's just a smudge or a hole if you really get into it

in third grade my math test would just be holes and I would just be covered in eraser debris. It's like, why can't we just cross it out and start again? Right?

What the fuck? What about erasable pens? Those were a huge mistake. Okay, I guess we're going with new sounds out of nowhere. My bird sound didn't work right. But it's not even supposed to be a bird. It's supposed to be a cat.

What happened with the bird last week? You guys got to listen to last week's episode. Oh, I see what's going on. Okay. That's like one of my favorite minutes I've ever heard you do. That was great. That's a great bit. I might use that.

I mean, that was, youank. What I love about that, for those of you that don't know, is that her voice it's so you to tackle erasers like that. Her style is take a little something and make it into something. A pink pearl. What were you going to say about

pens? I'm glad that that minute, you know. We'll talk about that later. We'll talk about those pens another day. I heard a good quote the other day. The internet is written in pen. Ink? You can't get rid of it is what that means.

Or they don't know what the internet is. Or it's a very profound metaphor about you can't... Friends! Timing. I was going to say we're fucking idiots because we went, pen, and everybody was like, ink. Internet's written in ink. Oh, yeah.

Good job. The pens with ink was almost... I remember when that happened. For a minute, right? I feel like the pen with the eraser, it's kind of like cursive. Like, you'll try it out in third and fourth grade. But it's like you use a pen or you use a pencil. Yeah. I remember when it, at least I feel like I remember when it started.

It may have been before my time. But I remember it seeming like mind-boggling at the time. Like, oh, my God, they can erase ink. And it's crazy to think that... It never did it 100% either. We just accepted it because it was so amazing. It went from 100 to 20. That's really what I think

is the funniest thing about your bit and somewhere to really, if you're going to make it longer, attack is that you can still see the mistake. It almost reminds me and whatever, this probably isn't the right example but it it erasers and that smudge that's left over is sort of like to me that new uh 9-11 world trade center tower that they built because it's like oh yeah it's a new trade i fixed the problem but it's like still called the world trade center and you can still sort of feel like

there was a disaster there before that wasn't correct. Like I said, probably the wrong example but it's the first one that comes to my evil dark mind. Also, when you use an eraser and you can still see what's left it's admitting your mistake. It's like you're seeing the insecurity. If I erase something and it's still there

it's like, I know, I know but I gotta know, I gotta know. But I got it now. I got it now. Or erasing it and then writing the same thing again. Right. Yeah. All right. Just saying.

I was just thinking like cavemen, they just owned whatever they did because they had to. Sure. I'd say that's a part that you could throw in there. I meant to put that in there. Well, it's okay. You will. Start now. All right.

Sarah Wine Shank, everybody. Thank you. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank. Well, it's okay. You will. Start now. All right. Sarah Wine Shank, everybody. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank. We did it, guys. That's Kill Tony number 63. What do you guys want to promote? Rick Glassman,

powerful Rick Glassman and Brent Morin. You both buy your names on Twitter, Rick Glassman. I want to promote what I think is the best thing at the moment, and that is my friend

Brent Morin. You've got to follow him on Twitter, at Brent Morin, and on Instagram. M-O-R-I-N. Yeah. I want to promote me. Watch Undateable. Rick Glassman.

Watch Undateable on Hulu now, because it's aired already. It's R-I-C-K-G-L-A-S-S-M-A-N. Rick Glassman. Let's be real here. Brent Morin. Josh Martin, thank you so much for being the Patriot. I want to promote Josh Martin.

It was so much fun to have you guys on. He's great. He killed a deer. He's got a five-inch dick, and he's ready for you. Give him a shot. He'll bring the costume. I think you just got him up to five and a half after those compliments. Hell, yeah.

I love it when he looks down. He actually looks like he did it in the mask. To see, oh, shit, am I hard? Oh, yeah. Thank you so much, live audience. So much fun. Special shout-out like he did it in the mask. To see, oh, shit, am I hard? Oh, yeah. Thank you so much, live audience. So much fun. Special shout-out to some fun people in the crowd. Water Boxer made it.

Jared Moroz. My brother, Donnie Hinchcliffe, is in the audience. Yeah, that's your bro. Hell yeah. Thank you guys so much, and we'll see you again soon. Thanks for listening. Thank you.