KILL TONY - KILL TONY #65

Episode Date: September 21, 2014

Guy Branum, Mark Norm, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Pete/Peteec, Brian Redban – Date: 08/11/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Go to our website, click on Tour Dates, and you'll see that we'll be at the L.A. PodFest this Friday. L.A. PodFest is here in Hollywood, California. It's Friday, Saturday, Sunday. All the biggest names on podcasts are going to be there. It's like a big festival. And then we are ending the Friday night at 11 o'clock with a Thunder Pussy. Me and Jeremiah are bringing Thunder Pussy, and we're going to have a bunch of surprise guests. If you want to go, tickets are available. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates.

We are playing Friday, September 26th. October 1st, this is our second show at the Comedy Store, Death Squad Secret Show. It's the new comedy show that I'm doing there. The first one, we had Doug Stanhope, Bill Burr, Chris D'Elia, Brian Callen, Steve Rannazisi, Henry Phillips, Eliza, a bunch of people. This one is going to be no different. We are going to have a bunch of people joining us, including Joey Coco Diaz. That's right. including Joey Coco Diaz.

That's right, Joey Diaz at the Comedy Store with Tony Hinchcliffe, myself, and many more. Go to DeathSquad.tv, click on Tour Dates, or go to the Comedy Store's website. Again, that's Wednesday, October 1st at 8 p.m. Midwest, we are coming. Me, Tiffany Haddish, and Dean Delorray are coming to you on October 15th. We'll be in Grand Rapids, Michigan at Dr. Grin's. The following day, Columbus, Ohio. We're doing two shows. We're doing a live podcast, so open micers, sign up.

We are pretty much doing a contest where at 7 o'clock we have a show called the Death Squad Draft. You sign up a half hour before you get to do three minutes of material and then me tiffany and dean are going to choose our favorite comic to battle it out at the end with the chance to open up for us at a death squad show following this show that's right at nine o'clock at the Funny Bone. We are doing a Death Squad Dirty Show. And the winner of the podcast gets to open up for us. So, again, that's 7 o'clock, the Death Squad Draft Podcast Show. And then followed by a Dirty Show at 9 o'clock at the Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio. And then October 17th, Indiana.

We are going to be playing Morty's Comedy Joint. We're doing a late show. And then October 23rd, me and Tony are going to be in Phoenix at Stand Up Live. And that's October 23rd, a Thursday. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you from the world-famous comedy store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony.

It's good! Yeah! Hi, everybody. Fuck yes. Here we are, Episode 65 of Kill Tony, everyone. Welcome. What a special, special day. Hi, everybody. Episode 65 of Kill Tony, everyone. Welcome. What a special, special day. Hi, everybody. Good to see you guys. Here we are again after a delicious meal from our new sponsor, Elise Lane.

That was so good. She did it again. I had no idea you were even going to be here, and I was running late. I couldn't get my normal McDonald's, And wow, that's such a better meal. He gets to live for another week. That's right. Thanks to Elise Lane, our gourmet chef. There she is right there in the corner, everybody.

Put your hands together for her. Yes. Amazing. What did we have tonight, Elise? What was it? It was panzanella and white bean dip. It was so delicious. That's super human fuel.

And mozzarella balls. Some kind of relish. It was delicious. She has that gourmet chef touch where you don't even know what the stuff is. Yeah. You just keep shoving it in your mouth. That's at Elise Lane on Twitter and on Facebook and Instagram. She's at the girl with the pan, everybody.

That's right. Elise Lane. What if she's doing some weird practical joke documentary? Like, no, we're going to feed these guys for the next six months dead animals we found on the road, but we're going to make it so delicious they're not even going to care. That would be like a whole other show. Yeah.

Guys, it's a crazy day. We lost the great Robin Williams today. Let's start off with a bang. Let's start off with a sponsor and the death of the day. That seems like someone I didn't even want to joke about. There's some guys that die and I'm like, this guy this and that and that and that.

I don't have a joke for it, but I really am shocked that he was hanging out in the middle of that racetrack. All right, you sons of bitches. I know. It's too soon. Exactly. Nobody has a joke.

In fact, I had probably my first ever emotional death tweet where I talked about how cool he was. Yeah, that's definitely hit with like a Kurt Cobain or something when he died. I was like, oh, what the fuck? Really? Yeah, I had a lot of people asking me, what's your death joke on Robin Williams? Because they know that I – Yeah, you're the go-to guy. Yeah.

But instead I didn't – I just couldn't bring myself to tweet that shitty racetrack joke that I told on the podcast. I said I'm going to save it for then and make sure that it dies in the room. And then I'll be happy that I didn't tweet it to. But now it's out there. But what's interesting is by the time this episode's out in a week or two, it'll probably not be too soon. And they'll laugh about that racetrack thing. That's true. So it's not good tonight.

But when the podcast comes up, it'll be ripe and ready. What else has happened? You were in Florida all weekend. Yeah, I just got home a couple hours ago. Florida, thank you very much for coming out. First time Death Squad was in Florida. So many people came out. It was amazing.

I learned a lot of new things about Sam Tripoli. If you guys know Sam Tripoli, if you hang out with that guy long enough, you learn a lot about yourself, about aging. He makes a lot of old man sounds. He's just walking around going, and then he interviews himself. He's always on his phone, so he just sits there and interviews himself.

He goes, who is Don Knotts? Oh, he talks out loud? Yeah, he has breakdowns or something. It's so interesting. I highly recommend becoming a comic and going on tour with Sam Tripoli. You'll learn

a lot about everything. It was also interesting because when you travel so much, you go to these airports, and as an unfortunate smoker, you hate not being able to smoke but denver has this new smoking area of their i don't know if they're getting ready for their marijuana or what they're doing but you walk in they're like there's a one item minimum

right when you walk in you're like uh coke five dollars and you have to like buy something just to sit there and have a cigarette are you serious yeah? Yeah, it's crazy. So you see all these smokers just with like six, seven ups in front of them. I once had a layover, and I'm not sure where it was. It might have been Atlanta. I think it was somewhere in the south. And they had a smoking lounge, and it was one of the scariest rooms I've ever been in. It reminded me of the only thing it reminded me of

was that waiting room in Beetlejuice. Like when you die, you have to get a long ticket, and there's somebody sprinkling head shrinker stuff on your head, and you're like, what? I'm just trying to smoke a cigarette. Get off me. Well, that's what this was. It was about one-eighth of the size of this room.

It was really small with the same amount of people in it. And so there was chairs, and people would stand up, and you would see the outline of where people sat on the chair. It was like a white chair with yellow outline around it. Wow. Denver Airport. Denver. I'm going to Denver.

I'm going to be in Denver at the end of August in two weeks. Yeah. Going to Austin next weekend and then Denver the weekend after that. That's awesome. So a lot of spots will be opening up here in L.A. for some of you young comics with Papa Bear out of town. So congratulations to you guys for that. And we have something big to announce.

We haven't announced this anyway. You ready? Yep. First time announcement. It's Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redband live from Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona, October 23rd. Yes. So boom. Boom.

You just heard it. Arizona, maybe you smoked some Yes. So boom. Boom. You just heard it. Arizona, maybe you smoked some pot before listening to this podcast. You might think to yourself, did they just say they're coming to Phoenix October 23rd? We did. Stand Up Live is one of the best comedy clubs in the United States. It's a lot of fun. It's great. It's a huge room, and we're trying to fill it up.

So let's go for it, Phoenix. Tell your friends how much fun you had last time we were there. Fuck yeah. There's one super fan right here. Yeah, thank you. Hello. Guys, are you excited? This is Kill Tony 65.

Every week we have a new head of security, a new patriot to keep us safe. We used to have one guy that did it all the time, and he quit about episode 30. He said he got too big for the show. A guy that was dressed like a superhero

every week. And it's not even that our chemistry was good because he was funny or anything. Our chemistry was good because he wasn't funny. But he was trying and it was a whole thing. Anyway, he said he got too big for the show

and he quit on us. He told us that he was irreplaceable. What we did to fuck with him each week after that was we hired a brand new person to do his job. To show him exactly how replaceable he is. Every week we've had a new patriot, and this week's no different.

He's a returned patriot because he's done so great for us before. Put your hands together. It's at PDC. It's the Iron Patriot. Powerful Pete. Comedy store favorite, best friend of many of the funniest people in the country. Pete. Oh, hey, good to be here.

It's good to see you, Pete. You look fantastic. Thank you. You're one of the few people who that suit fits absolutely perfectly. I've been taking fat burners. What's that? I've been taking fat burners. Ooh.

Slimming down. Hell yeah. Yeah, last week I wore this suit. I had like a big camelers. Slimming down. Last week I wore this suit. I had a big camel toe. Nothing. Is that what happened? You were trying on the suit last week? Without our consent?

Just in the back, going through the motions. Trying to get into character. I love it. That's it. Let those awkward laughs out, everybody. It's happening. We's it. Let those awkward laughs out, everybody. It's happening. We should probably also congratulate Pete. He also won his big comedy battle down in La Jolla Comedy Store.

Congratulations, Pete. Oh, thank you. One of our favorite clubs. They sold it out for the roast battle. That must have been fun. I know you were preparing for it. I got to see your jokes before you went down there because I couldn't make it, and I knew you were going to win. Can you describe to the audience what that's like,

all that pressure, big sold-out La Jolla Comedy Store? I cannot. Very good. No, it's fitting to the character. Perfect response. Pow, pow, pow. Well, we love you, Pete, and thanks for being here. Thank you. Are you guys ready to meet tonight's guests

as always we have two of the funniest people that I know on the show and it's always a blast this is going to be a fun one because this is pretty much my first time working with both of these guys in a non stand up capacity so put your hands together for two of my funniest,

newest friends. It's Guy Branum and Mark Norman, everybody. It's happening. Yeah. Here it comes. Yeah. Nothing's happening. Fuck yeah, guys.

Mark, any way you guys want to do it. Welcome. You were the first people ever to get the non-intro music? Yeah. The ghost of Robin Williams decided not to have internet. So it made it very serious, and I sort of like it that way. Help is on the way!

Mark and Guy, what's happening, guys? Welcome to the show. Have you ever worked with anything like the Iron Patriot before? Patriot? I worked in Disneyland for six weeks. Really? No. But that is terrifying.

Thank you. Got a nice unit there. Oh, I thought I lost that. I have a four-year-old nephew. It's very similar. Guys, welcome to the show. I'm excited to have you guys on. Thanks.

Guy, you should take that outfit to a tailor. Just have it taken in a little bit at the waist. It would be a lot more flattering. Oh, thank you. Maybe. That'd be a good plan. Get it fit properly. Since we do use it every week.

Guy, I like it. You just gave us an idea that we haven't thought of. Yeah, it's season two of Project One, right? No, no. I was on season eight of Last Comic Standing for around 45 seconds. Actually, Guy, you don't even know this. I've actually known who you were

since day one of moving out here, I think it was. You used to work for one of my favorites, G4, which used to be Tech TV, didn't you? It's true. I was once a respected gaming journalist. Why did you watch G4? Did you not have sex in high school? No, when I moved to L.A., I didn't have any friends. gaming journalist. Why did you watch G4? Did you not have sex in high school?

When I moved to LA, I didn't have any friends. So I just, to hang out with somebody that was not my cat, I went to all the audiences of the screensavers back in the day. That's so sad. It is so sad. But yeah, that's how I met Kevin Pereira

and all those guys eventually. And I worked with Kevin on this podcast, Pointless. Oh, that's how I met Kevin Pereira and all those guys eventually. And I worked with Kevin on this podcast, Pointless. Oh, that's awesome. It ended up actually helping me out in the long run. He's like a little mogul now. It's very impressive. Yeah, but I've seen you in so many shows. I think you were in somebody else's show.

You work on a lot of shows behind the scenes as a writer. It's a goddamn career, ladies and gentlemen. You just got to make it happen. Screensavers, what is that? It used to be before, I don't know, it used to just talk for us nerds. It was a show that talked how to fix our computers and what the internet was.

Imagine the fourth hour of the Today Show, but for people with Asperger's. Pete, you have any questions for tonight's guests? Possibly. First, Mark, I was reading your Twitter. Riveting stuff. I wondered, what was the most shots of tequila you've ever done before getting into a $30 Iron Man outfit?

I don't know. Six? There you go. Great improv. Love it. Interesting question from the Patriot. I'm guessing we had to see a tweet for it to really be funny. Oh, shit.

I got to follow you. I don't get it. Just a quick follow-up. How many shots of tequila would it take for me to get inside of that Iron Man costume? The answer is seven. It was one away. Patriot, what's your question for Kelly? I love you on the 10-minute podcast,

and my question is, what was it like to be Curly in the Three Stooges movie? Oh, I actually auditioned for that role and had to show up and be like, I'm not good at physical comedy. Yes, I am a gross caricature of a human being, but I mostly just work through things that go into or out of my mouth. Oh. Boom.

Great answer. How long have you guys been doing stand-up, Mark? Oh, coming up on eight years. Yeah. So, you know, still pretty green. Twelve years, so clearly I'm taking a more, like, gentle approach than Marcus. It's gradual. Funny guy.

Well, let's get it on, shall we? You guys know what we're doing. A bunch of comedians do a minute, and then we talk to them about anything in the world. Maybe about what they talked about, maybe a little bit more about themselves. Anything can happen. Guys, this is episode 65 of Kill Tony. Comedians, you know that your minute is up

when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that means you better wrap it up, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There he is. That was your old name, wasn't it? Yes. Are you guys just negging me very indirectly? What the fuck?

Fuck yeah. Here we go. You guys ready to get this thing started? Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Gianne Whitney. Alright, Gianne. Gianne Whitney coming from deep in the upper deck.

Here she comes. I like how much transport time is worked into this podcast. It's Jean. That's okay. Jean. So, I was at the store the other day and I saw this guy It's Jean. That's okay. Jean. So, I was at the store the other day, and I saw this guy who was wearing a t-shirt, and on the front of it, it said, Hustler.

And on the back, it said, Relax, it's just sex. Which really makes me want to get a t-shirt that says relax it's just child support um you know i mean i've watched porn before but never when i saw like a young girl getting fucked by five to thirty thousand however number of dudes and they're all waiting in line to jizz on her face that i think to myself hmm she looks like she is really relaxed it's more like hmm she looks like she is really relaxed. It's more like, hmm, she looks like she once wanted to be an actress. The great poet Langston Hughes once asked, what happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?

No, it gets cum in its eye. It's quite different. Thank you. Fuck yeah. All right. Yeah. 54 seconds. Fuck yeah. All right. Yeah. 54 seconds. Tough crowd.

Good stuff. Hell yeah. 30,000 people in a pornographic film? That just seems like a logistical nightmare. Did Cecil B. DeMille make porns? I don't know. Young lady, you come up here with material like that. You have to back it up.

You have to be able to think about it. You're right. I'll work that in. It all started from that T-shirt. And then there was a lot of math there. Am I the only one that sort of got lost? I didn't understand the child support joke. I didn't get what you were saying.

Well, I mean, relax. It's just sex. Nothing is just sex. Well, I mean, relax. It's just sex. Nothing is just sex. Wow, I disagree. You're not having the right kind of sex. You're a comedian. So are you. Well, that's your opinion,

but that's not my opinion. That's your opinion. Well, G, then you need to win us over with your opinion. If you show up here relaxed and you're doing a very subtle joke, it needs to be something that eventually slaps me and jizzes

in my face with magic and happiness. It can't just nuzzle my cheek. It has to be obvious. Even when you think it's obvious to yourself, you have to think that half the people are probably dumber than you in the audience. At least think that way. At least think that way.

That's true. At least think that way, Look at them. At least think that way. That's true. At least think that way, though. Because there's some jokes that you really have to really ride it out. Because that to me, it's only child support. That means like, wait, you already have kids and you're just trying to fuck this guy and get money from him? I have no idea what you're talking about. Right.

You know, I tried that somewhere else and it worked really well, but maybe it's just the way that I see it. When you bring 12 friends, it's a different story. I didn't know anybody there. I'm joking. She's doing sex at Planned Parenthood. At Planned Parenthood?

Jean, how long have you been doing stand-up? Good improv. Almost a year now. Nice. Oh, hey. A year in September. You do a lot of spots? Like how many in a week?

About five a week. Do people often say your first name wrong or they get Gene on the first guess? They say it wrong all the time. It's okay. Yeah. All right. And then what do you normally say when they say it wrong? I say it's Gene.

And then you start off with that. No. Well, sometimes they get it right, but sometimes they don't, and then I just correct them. Or I don't correct them, but lately I've been doing it. I'm like, you know, I'm just going to tell them that it's how to say my name. If you can get a bit out of that, like a joke out of the name correction,

then it's worth it. Otherwise, no one cares. Yeah, change your name to spelling J-E-A-N. Right. I don't want to do that. I like the spelling of it. Instead of having to have an opener where it's like, no, my name is, because you're not going to win anybody over in your first minute that way. That's true.

Gene, honestly, if you're going to be uncompromising, then you need to be uncompromising. If you're not going to change the way you spell your name, then you need to motherfucking let people know how your name is spelled and don't take no for an answer you can't just come up here and be chill people aren't going to be cooperative

like you can be chill but you have to make so clear to everyone here that they have to be chill that they're a little bit terrified of it yes I'm sorry I was mean. No, no. Well, how do you do that?

I mean... Like, there are awesome, awesome laid-back deadpan comedians, or, like, people who... I mean, look at somebody like Tess Barker, who comes up, and she's always just, like, a fun, frivolous pothead, but she's got fucking jokes so that everybody there knows

that they're going to have a good time on her terms. You know? Okay. Yeah. What do you do when you're not doing... What did you do before stand-up? I did acting and drugs and writing. What are we talking?

A little Coke? Paint thinner? Paint thinner. No. On a rag? Yeah, some Coke. What about junior year in high school, Mexico for Habitat for Humanity mushrooms?

Do we have any of those? Unfortunately, no. I'm sorry. You're thinking of Ari Shaffir. So, Gene, like, you know, did you do any acting

that we might recognize? You're so uninterested in this. Were you in anything? Not unless you were in the Midwest. I did some Deakiness commercials. They were a hospital commercial. Hey, all right. Where I had a baby. What? No, all right. Where I had a baby.

What? No, no, no. I played a mother. What a twist. Wait, wait. I wasn't giving birth. I was a mother. I was going to say, I saw you in high school.

That was a hell of a video. Wait, do you think you're still a mother and you're trying to get child support? Wait. No. It's not a painful, traumatic memory. Child support? Wait. No, it's not a painful, traumatic memory. Do you write the joke, the tag first, and then try to write around it?

Or how do you come up with what you're doing? Sometimes I just think of it, and then I write it down, or I say it out loud. I mean, what do you do? I usually think of something really crazy crazy and then I try to write a story around it or I try to write a story and then add all my little silly crazy ideas and throw them into that story. It just differs. Just to you,

I was trying to figure out that first joke still. I still don't understand the first joke. I'm trying to figure out that joke first. Can I suggest a punch for part of your porn joke? Yeah. 30,000 is just such a vague thing, and we all know that nobody's actually been fucked

by 30,000 people in a porn, and it just sort of, like, diffuses the energy. I think it is much funnier if a person is being fucked by five to 37 1⁄2 men. Yeah. Because, like, it's visual. It's visceral, and it feels possible. Okay, thanks.

You're wondering how many of them are little people. Maybe it was five little people and that adds up to two and a half. Also, you're a new comic. You don't have fans yet. So you were saying you've got to be pretty broad. No offense. But I mean, you've got to be...

I'm not saying you should go hacky, but you've got to appeal to a lot of people pretty broad. No offense. But I mean, you gotta be... I'm not saying you should go hacky, but you gotta appeal to a lot of people and make it a little easier up top. Get your fans first and then go into your deep meanings of child support. Right.

Jean, thank you so much. Okay, thank you. Jean Whitney. She's on Twitter. It's Jean L. Whitney. But if you're going by my enunciation of her first name, you will not find her on Twitter. So I'll spell that out for you.

It's spelled like G-A-N-N-E. G-A-N-N-E. L. Whitney. All one word. Jean with a silent N and E after L. Whitney. All one word. Gene with a silent N and E after it. As a host, I used to host the comedy store

when we would do 40 comics a night. That was the system in the other room. I did it for years and years and so many weeks. It would always crack me up when somebody would go, my name's blank after I say it. That's always how it's spelled. Do you think when it's something like this,

this is not a real name that their parents were just fucking with her and they just never told her? That's just the French spelling of Jean, you guys, right? Well, welcome to America, Jean. This is what happens when your parents try to croissant up your name.

Here's a question I always ask my guests when they're on for the first time. Was there ever anything you did when you first started stand-up that you can't believe you did? Like that you look back on like a joke or maybe something crazy like a puppet or anything weird that you may have done say in your first

few months of doing stand-up. Anything that you look back on and you can't believe you ever said or did. One use of the N-word on stage. One attempt to do a voice. Both of them turned out as poorly as the other. Oh, I had an N-word bit myself. I stand by the bit, but it's got the N-word in it, so people don't get on board.

You guys are both dropping N-bombs over here. I wouldn't have guessed that about you. Well, I haven't dropped an N-bomb yet. That was just the N-word. But, yeah. Gotcha. That's it. It's a solid joke, but, you know,

the N-word turns people off, apparently. It's true. Who knew? It's true. Everything all right, Josh? What's up, producer Josh? For all you podcast fans out there listening to that clicking on and off, that was a special shout-out to you guys, just because we love you.

All right, let's keep this fun train moving along. We found out you guys both dropped the N-word, found out how awkward that can get. Oh, yeah. I've still never done that. It's just something about it. I just can't. Okay, put your hands together for Mason Grad.

All right, Mason. Here he is. It's Mason Grad, everybody. That's Mason Goode. Hey, how you doing? Yeah, I just traveled across the United States. It took me a while to get here. I broke down in Kentucky and picked up a hitchhiker.

And we was walking down the road, and a wild boar got after us. All right? So he looks at me and says, you think we can outrun it? And I was like, no, but I know I can outrun you. And then I came across and went through, got to Vegas, or wait, I went to Colorado too, but I was so high I couldn't remember how long I was there or what I did.

Because I didn't even smoke weed until I got to Vegas because it's not legal in Virginia. I got pulled over by some cops, and they was like, sir, are you hauling any drugs, alcohol, any weapons? I was like, hell no, I'm hauling his ass. I said, you let me through here, and I'll be out your way. But anyway, this is my first stand-up, as you can tell, maybe. There you go.

You just did a minute. Mason, you did it. Is this your first time ever? Wow. You've got to talk into the mic on all these responses about everything we're about to talk with you with. You've got to talk right into that, okay? Okay. That's number one is talking in the mic.

You did talk pretty far from it. That's when you hear that squeak noise. I was trying to turn it up times like 30. Mason, pull that out of the mic stand and put the mic stand behind you, okay? Yeah, and then keep that mic right next to you, at the front of your mouth. Put the mic stand behind you, Mason.

Thank you. All right. I'm good. I'm good. Mason, can I tell you something? Yes. I love your style. Thank you. All right. I'm good. I'm good. All right. Mason, can I tell you something? Yes. I love your style. Thank you. That was an awesome minute for it being your first time ever on stage. Yeah.

You're missing punchlines. Yeah. Yeah. But you sort of have like this old Western, like spaghetti Western type of stand-up style to you. It's like, well, I was just taking a little adventure. Like, it's so interesting. Like, I can almost picture your one-hour special already. Mason Grad, around the world.

It's funny because you sound like this southern cowboy, but you look like a Jewish accountant. It's true. Doesn't he? He's got the blazer and the hair. At any point, you could jump in a phone booth and fly out of here. Very Clark Kent-y. Juper man.

You are very well put together. You clearly took this seriously, and your audience will appreciate and respect that. You just have to be a little bit more in control of what you're doing, and that bore joke, that's a street joke. You can't just go and do street jokes.

Yeah. All right. You have to do your material. Okay, I got you. Hell yeah. All right. And I haven't talked to you off stage yet,

but it seemed like you were almost reading it or it was memorized in your head. You got to take that story and act like you're talking about, you know, you have to say like, like you're talking to me behind the comedy store, you know, you have to make it like me and you were just hanging out instead.

It was kind of, it felt very scripted and very like you're just trying to remember what the next sentence is. That's how I was for like my first year of standup was just sort of like rolling through the jokes as quickly as I could. I could tell you had it memorized at the part where you were talking about being between Colorado and Las Vegas, and then you thought for a second, the next thing you said was Virginia.

You went way back on the map, about 10,000 miles. Well, I did stop through Colorado, so... Right. Oh, hey, one more thing. You know when you said you were just hauling ass? Yeah.

That's your punchline. Let it land. Don't, don't, like, after you say a punchline, even if it wasn't good and the audience isn't laughing at it, let them know

that they should have laughed at it. That is your motherfucking show. There you go, ladies and gentlemen. He was hauling ass. Do what Guy does. Scare you into laughing.

Fuck yeah. But hey, you seem very... You were in there. First time. I'm working on it. What have you been doing for a living up until this point? Nothing much. I'm not too big on work.

Ah. I like that. Right, right. So what do you do for cash? You know, I just find me a cougar. Wow. I'm kidding. No, I was a construction worker. You could tell what he looks like by that gasp

for you podcast listeners that happen after he said cougars. Which trade were you? Tying steel. Oh, cool. A raw bingo. What was it? A log chain?

Raw bingo. Raw bingo? Raw bingo. Oh, that's a black comic. Oh, no. It means that he constructs the supports that the concrete gets poured around so that

when it solidifies, it will have strength. I know this because I wasn't always gay. So Mason, is stand-up something that you've always wanted to do? Yeah, I've been told I was a pretty funny guy. Who told you that? Mostly drunk people.

Mostly drunk people. Fuck yeah. And where did this adventure start? It happened in Virginia. You moved from Virginia. Yeah, I had a stressful job. I had a relationship that wasn't working, so I just said, you know, forget it.

You can keep everything, and I'm out. Damn. You gave him everything? Yeah, you know, forget it. You can keep everything, and I'm out. Damn. You gave him everything? Yeah, you know. Is that like a trick joke there? Hey, let's just keep it moving along, Mason. Keep it moving. Keep it moving.

I'll ask the questions around here, you son of a bitch. So it started in Virginia. Now, where did things start going south with that? How long? Presumably North Carolina. Like, how long were you with this chick? Two years. And she got all of the trailer?

It was a mobile home. I just let her keep it. Was it? Was it really? No. Was it a house? It was an apartment. I thought she could take all the rent.

The rent, right. So you didn't really leave her anything. You actually left her paying full rent. Which is a lot worse than leaving her something that's in fact the opposite of that.

What's the rent there? $600. What? $600 for a mobile home? Yeah, $600 for a mobile home. This is not working, is it? Yeah, it is. You're on.

This needs to maybe be a little bit louder. Were you union? No. Oh, see, union concrete work, that's good money, but whatever you were doing, I am sorry. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Thank you.

That's Robin Williams in the back making things extra creepy for us. He's fucked up the internet. He's fucked up the microphones. Now he's in the back. Fuck yeah. Mason. How long did you leave that chick

tied up under the stairs before you left her in Virginia? Like, was she already unconfident? Did they find the body yet? Well, they most seem to run when I say, put these chains on. They don't like that. Yeah, that's...

Okay, that made it creepier. Yeah. But what I'm trying to get to, marriage is, like, changed. 75% of people get divorced. So, I mean, that's pretty much like, you know, you're chained down. No, it didn't land. Honey, and then you put a sentence at the end of it that's funny, and then that's a joke.

And then that's a joke. Fuck yeah. Well, Mason, I could talk to you for the rest of the night. I really could. You're not on Twitter? Not yet. Are you on Facebook or something like that? I don't, I'm not on Facebook, no.

Did you come here specifically for this show or just to L.A. to do stand-up? How did you find out about Kill Tony? He got mail. Yeah, I just looked on the internet. You're on the internet. Farmers.com. Fuck yeah, Mason. And is it grad?

Did you spell your last name incorrectly because you're on the most wanted list? What is that? That's Goad. Goad? G-O-A-D? Yes. Wow. It's like Metallica font that you're using. Oh, yeah.

It really is. A is definitely next to the D there. G-O-A-D. But it's pronounced Jean. Mason, thank you so much. That's Mason Grad, everybody. Yeah, Grad!

Look out for him on Twitter. He might join at any point. Mason Grad. I can just picture him tweeting while driving across the country writing more wacky material. Great first time, though, Mason. Great cadence on that guy.

Yeah, cadence. Cadence. The A for cadence. Yeah, cadence. Cadence. The A for cadence. Yeah, that's all this is. Oh, so much fun. Well, let's just keep this fun train moving along. I'm completely ignoring. Put your hands together for Jermaine Hall, everybody.

All right. Oh, shit. You right. You think I give a shit? Your mama is a bitch. I see you in the sun. Oh, shit. You know what that means. Jermaine, you just got blacklisted. Jermaine Hall missed his spot. So in old Kill Tony tradition,

he gets blacklisted. But since his name's Jermaine, I'm guessing it's not the first blacklist he's ever been on. Hey, should we change that name blacklisting to You Got Tommied? No. Alright. There you go.

There you go. Somebody got it. It's Comedy Store Gossip Mark Normans. Is it Tommy Davidson? Ah, what a heck. Put your hands together for your next comedian, everybody. His name is Zach Kirby. Kirby!

There he is. Sup. Saw a bearded lady on the train the other day. Yeah. A couple minutes into the train ride, I look up. I realize, oh, that dude's a chick. I think to myself, does she even know that she has that much hair growing out of her face? Like, you know when you suddenly discover a ridiculously long hair growing out of your arm, or your

leg, or between one of your knuckles, or your nipple? You're like, whoa, I should rip that out. Like, what if that happened to her today, but all over her face? Nah, she's probably just a professional bearded lady, I thought. But then that got me thinking

even harder. How does one go from amateur bearded ladyism to being able to call themselves a professional bearded lady how do you even do this and then what you get paid minimum wage to stand all day in a hot glass enclosure doing muscular poses for families of four who all paid a dollar each to get in

and you know the amateur bearded ladies have it worse than the professional bearded ladies yeah fuck yeah 57 seconds professional bearded ladies. Yeah. Fuck yeah. 57 seconds of bearded lady thunder. And very concerned about the storage space on his phone. Like you did the second week in a row, you were really concerned about turning on your phone.

Why don't you just have that shit turned on? It cuts out sometimes, so I just didn't want it to like. What happened? What about a phone? Oh, you know, it's second week in a row out sometimes, so I just didn't want it to delete. Wait, what? What happened? What about a phone? You know, it's the second week in a row. This is your second time on stage, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I actually did one open mic the night after last week. Oh, congratulations, man. Third time on stage, man. Awesome. Thank you. What happened with the phone? Just like last week, I noticed the same thing. He kind of stood up, and he's like, all right, got to turn on this phone.

I need to walk the stage. You know, like, you should just have that shit turned on, man. You could just delete the file, you know? But that's what I see other comedians do. I've seen it. It's a real, that was a lot of professionalism. I am stunned that this is your third time on stage. You came up here ready to tell jokes,

so ready you kind of told half of the first joke, staring back towards the curtain. But it doesn't matter. You brought it. We all knew what you were doing. You're like a sexy Dennis the Menace. Thank you. Huge improvement over

the last time. Seriously, man. Wait, third time total? Third time total. Seven days ago was your first time on stage here. Wow. You got to get up more. Yeah. What are you doing at nighttime to where you can't do stand-up?

I'm starting at university. I'm transferring to university. Semester starts in two weeks. I just graduated from junior college. Where are you going to school? Cal State Fullerton. Okay, after you're settled in, you need to start getting up as much as you can.

One minute at the comedy store, you were great, but that's not enough. You have to be at coffee shops and stuff telling your seven-minute-long bearded lady chunk that no one wants to listen to so that you can learn. But like you have everyone at the beginning of stand up like has some techniques and not others. And you've just decided to apply it to a thing that doesn't exist anymore.

And that's something adorable and beautiful. Yeah. Thank you. It makes it real that you could have possibly have seen a bearded lady. Makes it feel real. Yeah. Because nobody else is talking about it. Yeah. Thank you. It makes it real that you could have possibly seen a bearded lady. Makes it feel real. Yeah. Because nobody else is talking about it. Yeah.

On the right here, I Googled it just to make sure, and I didn't find anything. Right. Don't you kind of look like you're in the Russian mob? Yeah, definitely. I was. When he came up here, I thought British soccer hooligan. I thought slightly inbred British

soccer hooligan. I can see that. I got this jacket from Tony, actually. You did, from Doug Benson, right? Yeah. Wow. I won it when you guys were on Doug Loves Movies. That's right, because you made a Kill Tony name tag, so I was on the show, and when I had to go pick

a random audience member, you had a samurai sword. Yes. And then I won that entire competition, and you got to win whatever I picked from you, and that was that jacket. And a bunch of death squad shit. When Tony's body is found, we're all going to be

witnesses, you guys. This is just a podcast, so we're going to have to describe him. Somewhere in between a Russian mobster, soccer hooligan. And Dennis the Menace. Yeah. I love it. So, Zach, where are you going to go to college next? Where's the university that you're going to?

Cal State Fullerton. Nice. Yeah, man, if I were you, as soon as I get there in two weeks, I would go find a place or a bar, some kind of joint, anything, even if it's like a smoothie place, and start a show. Start a weekly show, and if you just keep doing it every single week, eventually a couple people might come and

stick around, and you just gotta keep doing it. Just all you need is a karaoke machine and a mic for a place like that to get your own thing started. Then you can host it and be up between other comics, maybe, and get to do more time. Just do your own thing and. Then you can host it and be up between other comics maybe and get to do more time. Just do your own thing and take chances because you've got to build it.

Talk about fire eaters. Guys who do stuff with lions. Lobster boy. Where are you from? Orange County, California. Yes. That explains why you're glowing of white.

Yeah, it's true, though. I mean, that's one of the best hits of advice right there. If they don't have, like, a local mic. Be white in comedy. It's true. But if you don't have, like, a local spot, make your own. And there's so many bars that on a Tuesday, they have no business. You walk in, just walk around some bars. If they have three people sitting at the bar at 8 o'clock on a Tuesday,

go, hey, how about I bring in 10 more people? Can I do this? And the next thing you know, you're going to have more spots than anyone that you know. That's great. The magical secret of stand-up comedy is good Los Angeles comedians will drive 45 minutes to get real audience at Cal State Fullerton. It's a sad, sad business.

And you can start a comedy club at your college, which I did, and it equals a lot of pussy. Yeah. And it looks like you love pussy, Zach. You just love big, dick-shaped pieces of pussy.

Bearded woman-shaped pussy, right? Yeah. Virgin? No. Oh. All right. You and Iron Man have met. I love that you asked him that question

because he doesn't really look like a virgin, but you sound like a virgin, Zach Kirby. You could totally host a virgin radio show. Wow, is that NPR? Sirius has so many channels these days. Can you say, welcome to the virgin show, I'm Zach Kirby? Welcome to the virgin show, I'm Zach Kirby. Oh, yeah!

I'd listen to that. Wow. I'd listen to that show. When I heard that, I grew a hymen Zach thank you so much another kill Tony a kill Tony baby

Zach Kirby he's on twitter it's Zach cool that's all one word Z-A-C-H cool fuck yeah last week was his first time we got to see... It's so crazy that he has your old sweatshirt on.

It looks like your old sweatshirt. That is... I was wondering that when I saw it, but I thought there's no way. And I thought I'd sound crazy if I said, hey, is that that one jacket that I had that I gave away? But that's awesome. And that makes sense because I also put in

a girl death squad shirt and all this other shirt and the last week he was with somebody who had a death squad shirt on. I was like, oh, that's awesome. So fun. Nothing more exciting than when somebody comes back and they have their first time here. Zach's a funny guy. I also believe in Mason, though.

That Mason guy was cool. Yeah. By the time I got to Vermont, that's when shit got crazy. He should change his name to Mason Dixon. It's just traveling. He just goes back and forth. The traveling comedian. Man, you think that's crazy.

I'll tell you about the time I took a stage coach from Mississippi to Michigan. Corey Smith, everybody. Corey! From deep in the back. Deep in the back. We have a very Price is Right setup here where you get to watch the comedians walk up.

Corey Smith, everybody. Come on. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Let's see. You know, I had a really sweet nickname growing up. My friends called me Fat Corey. There was no other Corey. It was just me. Sad life.

That's probably why I'm a comic, right? Probably why I'm a comic. Let's see. I was at Taco Bell the other day, and I was eating at a 7-Eleven because I don't know what self-respect is. And this homeless man peered at my window and kind of shook into the spiel

on why I should give him money. And I said, dude, I'm a traveling comic and I kind of live out of here. And he goes, oh, that must suck. And then just moved on. Just moved on. He went to the lady right next to me, gave her the same speech, except he added,

and that dude gave me a dollar. She looked at me, and she knew I was watching. She looked at me, and I was like... Let's see. I've been out here in California for about a month now.

My first week here, another comic talked me into doing acid in the Redwoods, which seems like a great idea, but I have a mild incident in front of a lovely Christian family of zipliners. What's an acid safety zone? I have no clue. I don't know. Alright, thanks, guys.

Fuck yeah, Corey Smith. Was that the end of the acid in the Redwoods thing? Uh, yeah. Honestly, it's so recent, and I was too fucked up to write a bunch about it, I'll be honest with you. What does acid look like?

Is it still on paper or can you download it? What's it look like nowadays? You know, actually, my buddy got it off the internet and it just looks like a purple piece of gum on a paper.

Yeah, I ate paper. Like gel. Yeah, it was on a piece of cardboard. Wow. Was that fun? It was a blast. I am really scared of heights.

I kind of fucked everything up. I wasn't really expecting to go up, I'll be honest with you. Did you see your own death at any point in time? I actually cried. I had a Sherpa lady with me. She was there to hold my hand, and I was so scared. The shit was melting on me, and I was having a great time. I'll just be honest with you.

Where are you from? How long have you been doing stand-up? I am originally from Michigan, and I've been traveling doing time. I'll just be honest with you. Where are you from? How long have you been doing stand-up? I am originally from Michigan, and I've been traveling doing stand-up for the last eight months. Hey. Wow. Yeah, you might have. So you just started stand-up as a traveling process? You just did not do stand-up, and then you went on tour?

Yeah, I just did my own tour. I live out of my car and just kind of couch surf and do that whole thing. Jesus. Wow. Was that me? No, no. It's the Iron Patriot. He just pissed himself.

Actually, I would have thought you were on way longer. I was thinking three to four years. You seemed very confident, and your jokes actually seemed worked on. I guess you have a lot to do in the middle of the night. Yeah, 12 hours a day. 12 hours a day. Just a couple of things. Yeah, you seemed really, really polished.

You had a persona. I honestly felt like the persona was a little bit too cartoonish. I felt like you were overselling it and would honestly have just loved all of those jokes so much more if you were delivering them in your regular voice without that little bit of extra Midwest in it, just so that I know that the story about LSD is true and stuff. Right, yeah.

I felt rushed. I've never prepared for a one-minute set before. just so that I know that the story about LSD is true and stuff. Right, yeah, I felt rushed. I've never prepared for a one-minute set before. And one other thing, one thing that I think is cool is just that you have such an alt-E sensibility comedy-wise, and also your aesthetic is very alt-E, and so you should never, ever be here. But coming here and comedy-storing what is a naturally

tattooed and LSD in the redwood sensibility will make you into a really awesome comic. Oh, cool. Absolutely agree with that. I love this theme of traveling comedians tonight. You started

and did you start in Michigan? Yeah, I started in Kalamazoo. How many nights did you spend there until you start in Michigan? Yeah, I started in Kalamazoo And then how many nights did you spend there Until you hit the road? I spent three months doing comedy Like all over Lansing and Detroit Kalamazoo

Las Vegas I did one open mic on the way down here in Las Vegas Colorado? Lots in Colorado Virginia? Nothing in Virginia, sorry. Did you run into Mason? I believe he killed

one of my animals, yeah. There you go. I believe I messed up a cat. What's all the traveling about? Just pick a place and do comedy. You're like, I bombed here, I'm leaving.

Eat dicks all over the United States is my goal, yeah. Why? Do you want to be a comedian? I do, I do. Or do you want to be a traveling weirdo?

I want to be both. Do you want to be a traveling drug addict or do you want to be a comedian? I do, I do. Or do you want to be a traveling weirdo? I want to be both. Do you want to be a traveling drug addict, or do you want to be a comedian? Do you remember the traveling weirdo boom of the late 80s? It was huge. Those were good times. Paula Poundstone. Oh, my God. She was never convicted. Best anal of my life.

So when are you hitting the road again? You know, honestly, I don't know. I didn't really plan it out. I'm staying on a buddy's couch. See? This isn't comedy. This is just weird hobo. I know.

Mark Norman, where are you staying tonight? I was hoping with you. I haven't figured that out yet. That's rock and roll to me. I think that's badass being able to do that. I mean, being on the road is one of my favorite things ever. I just got back from Florida, and I wish I could have just stayed an extra couple weeks and went up the whole East Coast. I mean, to me, there's nothing better than going to a different city and doing comedy.

But you have fans. This is different. I like the challenge. He's trying to hone a craft. Yeah, but if I could do a decent show in every city, I don't give a shit. Mike's a Mike to me. Are you looking for a scene? Are you looking to find a place that has the right scene and you want to start, like, really go at it there?

Or are you just wandering? You know, it kind of hit me like a drug habit. Like, as soon as I started doing comedy, I was just like, I'm fucking doing this. Like, I gave up everything. And I was like, you know, the best way to kind of eat dicks on the road is to be on the road eating those dicks. No, actually, it's an application for your phone called Grindr. You can find dicks in

any city. I don't know. I'm from West Hollywood. I have an iPhone 5. He's rich. So, you do a gig and then you get in your car and then you sleep in the car. What kind of car are we talking about? It's a badass Chrysler Concorde.

They don't make it anymore. Wow. Damn, they stopped making them. What year? 2002. Wow. Good year. Yeah.

Big backseat. Big backseat. Go to San Francisco or Portland and start there. Or Austin. Yeah. Yeah. Austin. Summertime rain.

I don't like summertime rain. Alright. I didn't know you were gay. It's true. Just keep driving north until you see people that all look like you. And just stop there and sign up for the first opening. Yeah, I tell you, Texas is probably the best scene to start in.

One of the best scenes. And you'll fit in perfectly, and it's cheap. I got warrants in Texas. I can't believe it. That's why you're running, isn't it? That's what it is. Just one. It's a marijuana-related incident.

That's all it is. You'll be legal in a year. Yeah, seven years. Seven years. You beat your girlfriend with marijuana? That's so crazy. He assumed I had a girlfriend. Look, if comedy fails, just join a Black Keys cover band.

You're in. Corey, please come back again soon. Corey Smith. He's on Twitter at TheCoreySmith. Some traveling Canadians today. This is a whole new thing. I love it. We've never had one of these, and now we have two on the same show.

It's just like, yeah, I do a spot, get in my car, keep driving. I bet his comedy tour coincides with the fish tour. There you go. That wasn't good. A little something from the Patriot. You may have forgot he was over there. And then all of a sudden, he reminds you. You know how smart that is, by the way?

Just picking a band that's that big and how it has so many fans and just becoming a fish comic and just picking a band that's that big and how it has so many fans and just becoming like a fish comic and just having like a show the day before or the day after. That's actually a really smart idea. That's good. I do that with pussy. I just follow Michael Bublé.

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K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K..H.A.H thrown in the locker. Get beat up and then thrown in the locker. And some days they were nice about it. They'd just throw me in the locker without beating me up. I think that, it don't have to feel bad for me. I had a lot of room in this locker. I used to stretch out, watch Conan. That's where I developed my sense of humor. You know when like the venomous animal gets attacked, it will release its venom to its praise. Well, it's kind of the same way. Whenever I was attacked, I would regurgitate my jokes at my bullies and hope I get a three-minute head start. Hopefully they wouldn't start running after me.

If I could beat them to the punch, at least. I felt like, you know, after that happened, you know, I said, I'm gonna try to cooperate with them. So, you know, they still beat me up and threw me in the locker, people, is what I'm trying to say. But at least

they did it with a much lighter attitude, because it's the attitude that counts. Thank you. None of that made any sense. Let's talk about it. I've got a lot of notes here. First off, take it easy. I know you like twinks.

Secondly, don't sit down. You haven't take it easy. I know you like twinks. Secondly, don't sit down. You haven't earned it yet. Don't sit down. You haven't earned it yet. No offense. It's a fucking minute. This is not two and a half hours of Stephen Wright. Yes, exactly.

And even he doesn't sit down. No, he doesn't. Stand up. Thank you. All right. Move the mic stand behind you. Also that. All right. Move the mic stand behind you. Also that. All right.

Oh, boy. I love that both people, when given that direction, have not been able to complete it immediately. Took two tries. Also, it's pray, not praise. You said you're a prey to the bullies? No S. Yeah. I also heard a D before that S.

I heard him say prades. Did you say prades? Oh. For you listeners on the podcast, go back. Rewind the tape. Pretty sure he said prades. This feels weird. You look like a weird runaway who needs money.

In fact, he's the only person on tonight's lineup who hasn't been a runaway. That's true. I actually don't know that, and he probably is. I didn't get that at all. Like Tony said, I had no idea what happened just there. I was trying to pay attention. I was talking about a bully, and that's all I remember. Well, he was trying to show his persona.

I'm the weakling that gets picked on kind of thing. Which makes sense. You have the right premise. But once you get thrown in the locker, and you're watching Conan, we're like, oh, we're checked out. Right. Taking it to Conan. Okay, The thing is, there's a nice twist in that joke, and you just bury it in there.

The thing is, they beat you up, they put you in the locker, but then the funny thing is that you're so tiny it was more than enough space in that locker. You need to land on that joke and not muddy it up with the other stuff, and let that be the surprise for the audience. Also, you

can't tell jokes about how funny you are. Nobody can tell jokes about how funny they are. That's the whole point of a joke is that you show people how funny you are. Absolutely. Show not tell. I was just trying to like convey that, you know, like the kind of like the defense mechanism was

that's part of my real life was whenever I was bullied, I would kind of use my sense of humor as a way of my defense. Then show me that. Here I am, a gigantic man being very mean to you. Show me that you can use comedy to deflect that.

Why are you sitting down again? He got nervous because he was getting bullied. Stand up and you take it, Sean. Or else we're going to throw you in the fucking locker we keep behind this curtain. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Also, to newer comics, and I've been there a million times, say hello or say something right when you get up here.

Let's go, hey, how you doing? Then move the mic stand out of the way. Don't just go right into it. You go right into it, it's hard for the audience to kind of, like, oh, shit, we're starting now? Okay, let me pay attention. We don't want to pay attention. You've got to make us want to pay attention.

So go, hey, how you doing? Look at me, kind of thing. Just even anything. What's up, everybody? Whatever. That helps. Yeah, punch us with a joke, preferably a joke that tells us a little bit about who you are.

But like you only have one minute. You don't get to do like a whole bit for that entire minute. Like a couple of people have done that. Like that's one minute. Tell us two or three jokes, okay? Like show us. Because the first one, people are not going to be paying attention. Then they'll hear a couple of people laugh and they'll be like, oh, that tiny little redheaded man, we should pay attention to him.

And then second joke, maybe they'll be like, oh, that tiny little red-headed man, we should pay attention to him. And then, second joke, maybe they'll be there for you. Give us an example of a time in which your sense of humor got you over on a bully. Well, I mean... Without sitting down, you motherfucker. You will stand up and you will answer these questions.

Do you have knee issues of some sort? Well, actually, my spine's been hurting a lot. Jesus. We end up having acid. We have guys that just drove here from Virginia and Michigan that have better posture than you. Baby, if you want your coccyx to hurt,

I can help you out with that. He's not kidding. Sean, who was the worst? What was the bully's name that was the meanest to you in school? His name was Daniel. Daniel what? Say his name and put it out there in the cosmos. Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter.

Daniel Radcliffe is six inches taller than me. Get in this locker, bitch. Now that I kind of think about it, this is very actually depressing, but this is not funny at all. This shit is not funny. Trust me, you will get revenge on all the bullies that ever bullied you. I got revenge on all mine. I sent fucking PETA to my friends' houses.

I made up fake websites where I was feeding my dog fake dogs like Listerine strips and turtles and babies. It was this huge production I spent six months on. It was the best revenge because I guess the guy had a bunch of warrants for animal abuse anyways. They came in here. It was amazing. It played out perfectly. You've got to find the humor in being bullied, man. A lot of

comics did get bullied, including myself. There's nothing to it. You're going to get revenge and being a comic's the best way. What did Daniel do to you? Should I say that here? Yeah, say his last name also so we can all fucking tweet him.

What's his name? I'd rather not do that. You're going to let him push you around like that? Do you want to be a motherfucking comedian? Yeah, yeah. What does this guy do now? Answer any of these questions that I've asked you. Just any one of the questions.

What does he do? What did he do? What's he like? It was like Saul, pretty much. He just psychologically tried to torture me. Tried to physically, mentally, emotionally. He just fucked with me, like, every day. Any example?

Sexually? Like, my grandmother would just die, and he would just talk about, like, my grandmother dying. And, like, really, like, fucking with me. That's harsh. What's that do? Damn. That's gross. Yeah, what's his last name?

Same name. Same name. The people want it. That's it. You got to do it. We got you. We will all protect you. Do it for your grandma. Sean, it's me, Grandma.

Say his name. I'm here with Robin Williams. Talk to me. Sean, it's okay. You can say his name. Grandma loves you, Sean. Yeah, don't be scared. Oh, there you go.

You don't want to say it. Why don't you want to say it? Why are we bullying this guy now? Oh, you're right. You're right. Boom. You're right. You're right.

Don't say it. Sorry about the farting. I've been farting. I really believe, like Frank Sinatra said, gay massive success is the best revenge, like Red Band said. I truly feel like my works will speak for themselves. Gay massive? Did Sinatra stutter like that?

No, truly, I believe what Red Band said. Luck be a lady. It's the great Frank Sinatra once said, it was a very good year. Sean, I love your style, man. Can you at least tell us what, other than your grandma, what physically did these people do to you?

Oh boy. You didn't even get bullied. That was like Vietnam flashback style. You looked up at the lights and you saw helicopters. Did they physically shove you in your locker or did you just pick that as like a standard thing? That wasn't even true. They just like whooped my ass.

Then pick something real. You're going to have good stories about stuff that was real that happened to you. Yeah, they just beat my ass. That was pretty much it. Did you ever beat anybody up? Did you ever bully anyone? Yeah, you know.

Did you ever shove anybody in the locker? I mean, I did pick on somebody that had a stutter like Josh Martin, but it was... Wow, you'll say Josh Martin's full name on the podcast. No, I was giving an example. But the guy that bullied you... You know who's full name on the podcast. But the guy that bullied you... You know who you should fight is Seth Green. Oh, yes. I don't know who's who. He's like Seth Lightgreen.

Wait, what was that, Patriot? Yeah, fuck it. Will not repeat, will not repeat. Sean, thank you so much. Fun time. All right, Sean. Hey, Sean, one not repeat. Sean, thank you so much. Fun time. Hey, Sean, one last thing. Sean, how about this? Every time you come on the show, you give us another

letter of the guy's last name. What's the first letter of the last name? C? Write this down, guys. C! Man, this is like Last Comic Standing, guys. C! Daniel C. Man, this is like last comic standing, but funny.

Yeah, it's true. That's right. I'm guessing his last name is Charles. Ooh. You should see the smile on Sean's face now that he's gotten to sit down on the back of the room so happy. This is like a literal hangman.

Eventually we'll hang that fucker. We start at C, everybody. For you Kill Tony fans, number 65, that'll be hashtag C. Your next comedian goes by the name of Chandler Raper. Wow.

Yeah, Raper. You remember Chandler. Chandler Raper. You remembered Chandler. Chandler Raper. This is like a mix between Friends and Dexter. Internet. Thank you. A 75-year-old gay guy asked for my number the other day. And the worst part is when I said no, he looked genuinely surprised.

I was like, what looked genuinely surprised. Like, I was like, what kind of signals am I sending that made him think that was an actual possibility? Once the look of shock wore off his face, he said, oh, he's shy. Like, that's the only reason you can think of that I may not be into it? Because I'm shy? Maybe that's it. Or maybe it's because I'm only comfortable being naked around one dick at a time. I got a dick, you got a dick, that's two dicks. That's double my threshold. And even if I was into that type of thing,

maybe I just don't want to fuck the Crypt Keeper. Fuck yeah, Chandler, 42 seconds. Didn't feel like doing the extra 20 seconds. First off, way to put the mic behind you, as Guy says. He likes things behind him. And if I'm not mistaken. You didn't say hello. Say hello.

I started with thank you. I started with thank you. Thank you. I need a hey. Hey. I'm something. Just to start the show. It's like a palate cleanser.

I'm sorry. No, it's all right. Chandler, just a couple of things. First of all, I don't know if Chandler, just a couple of things. First of all, I don't know if you've seen The Normal Heart on HBO, but we don't have 75-year-old gay guys. What? They all died in 1987. That's a true story.

It's a true story. It's a true story. All right. Well, it felt like a bit of a caricature. I mean, it's like, good for you. You stuck it to a 75-year-old gay guy. They've had it too good for too long since they lived through years of oppression and criminalization of their existence. So I should have just fucked him? Good for you.

No, I'm not saying you should have fucked him. I'm saying if you were gonna find ways to make jokes about it, like saying, ha ha, that dude's gross, probably isn't the best thing to do. Especially after it's been established that one of the people who's going to ridicule you afterwards is himself a moderately unattractive gay guy. Could one call a 75-year-old gay

guy a Freddy Cougar? Ooh. Could one call a 75-year-old gay guy a Freddy Cougar? Ooh. No, you just called him a statistical anomaly. How about a Freddy Mercury? Freddy Mercury. That's actually the car that Mason drove out here from Michigan, a Freddy Mercury. It's actually a Mercury Cuber.

Now Chandler, am I correct, it was your first time ever on stage here last week? The week before. Wow. So this is another... Again, great stage presence. Bucket's been very lucky. The set was solid. Look, technically everything you did was fine. It was just annoying.

The only thing wrong is the keys on the belt. I started to look for another bit, but I saw that you were coming, so I thought, I'm not going to skip it because you're here. I went for it because you were here. See, treating you like an equal. Yes. I really appreciate that. I said the N-word my first time. Oh, is that right?

That's not a good idea either. No, no, it's not. It worked, though. Let me just ask you, though. This is a nitpicky thing. Your keys are on your belt loop. Get the keys out of there, man. They're so close.

They're so close to your pocket. What are you doing? Why not put them in? You're teasing. One of my biggest pet peeves in the world. Teasing the pocket. Thank you so much, man. Why would you do that?

I have so few crazy pet peeves. That's totally one of them. Yeah, I get it. That's one thing that Josh Martin does. He keeps his keys on the outside of his belt loop, so he walks around and it sounds like a fucking dog running around. Yeah, yeah, right? Like some kind of dog with a chain.

Like, here, boy, I hear you. Joe Rogan wears a belt chain still. Like the wallet belt that he wears. What? I swear to God. Yeah, but he's sexy from the 90s So that makes it okay That's silver chair talking baby And plus it still doesn't make noise

Like keys on a belt loop No it makes way worse noise When you hear a big chain like rocking around Hitting things and breaking windows Listen to Josh and he walks right by the microphone With that shit He has all these keys but he doesn't own anything On a live podcast Oh there you but he doesn't own anything. On a live podcast.

What's that all about? Oh, there you go. Yeah, that's right. What are those keys for? He doesn't own a thing. Yeah. That's the ironic thing. I'm house-ed.

Guys with a bunch of keys never have shit. They don't have cars or a house. Did you get up anywhere since we last saw you? Have you been doing any spots? No, I put my name in last week, but it didn't get called up. All right. I'm sorry for saying this comedy story. Ha every day you pay five bucks you get a beer you fucking do five minutes you do at least three or four times a week the place sucks you're going to hate it you know you're it's it's like boot camp all right you get a butt light though so just

chilled out but every day i think i sign up at five shows at six. You have to do it. Have you been signing up to do it? No, for the potluck? Yeah. No. That's easy. You just sign up at six o'clock, and then no matter what, you can sign up for that seven o'clock show and then do this afterwards. So there's literally no point in not signing up for that. Any comic that doesn't do that, you guys don't understand.

It will help you. And just doing it three, four times a week in six months, you're going to become a billion times better just from that. Unfortunately, all the audience is mostly comics, but they're going to help you out. They're going to do the exact same shit we're doing here.

You have to go through that. There's no cheat codes to that part. You have to get comfortable on stage and you have to really figure out what the fuck you're talking about. I agree. You have to have stage time. Imagine learning the piano one minute at a time. You know, you can't do it. You gotta work it

out, and I can't stand... No offense. Or Mason Dixon, or whatever the other guy with the redhead. You can't... Gene. Thank you. You can't do this when you go, oh, there's an audience here. You've got to do it everywhere. Do it at a Mexican restaurant.

Do it at a driveway. Whatever. On a porch. Coffee shops where no one wants to hear you talk. There's a really good website called the Comedy Bureau where you can check out and there are like seven or eight open mics every night. Yeah. You really – if you put in the time, guess what? You're going to have the best job ever where you just get paid for doing 10-minute spots,

15-minute spots. Is there a reason why you only do this show? Well, the first time I was up was the first time I'd ever put my name in a bucket. I'd finally got the balls to do it. Why are you so comfortable on stage, though? I don't know. Some people have that.

It's weird. It's the raw self-confidence comes from having 75 year old gay guys Be into you That's right Chandler Now you're originally from what is it Missouri? Alabama And you've been out here for how long?

This time since April Right so was that the first time a gay guy's ever hit on you? This actually happened the last time I lived in LA This is kind of an old story It's was that the first time a gay guy's ever hit on you? This actually happened the last time I lived in L.A. This is kind of an old story. It's one of the first things that I've written. Uh-huh.

Is it weird seeing Jews just walking around? I thought the Hasidic Jews were Amish when I first moved here. I did also. That's normal for Ohio and Midwest people.

But I was like, oh my God, there's Amish people in L.A.? What the fuck? You're like, why areish people in L.A.? What the fuck? You're like, why are they holding an iPhone? Chandler, what else is different from Alabama? Anything else? You got 75-year-old gay guys hitting on you?

Pretty much everything. I come from a town of like 3,500 people. 3,500 people. Have you personally ever killed a mockingbird? I have not. Or a 75-year-old Jewish person that hit on you. Is he in a mattress of a Motel 6 right now? I'm not at liberty to say.

Shout out some racial slurs you know that we might not. Chandler, thank you. That's a fun new minute from Chandler Raper. He made his comedy debut two weeks ago here on Kiltoni. He's on Twitter at Chandler with no D. Chandler with no D because there's no D

in Chandler. Chandler C-H-A-N-L-E-R with no D is his Twitter handle. That's all one word. How many times has he gone, Raper? He goes, yeah, I know, but it's Rapist. Those are the bad ones. How many times have you made that correction, I bet?

Raper is an amazing comedy name, right? Good name. Anything can happen with him. See, Raper. Those girls at Jezebel are just going to be so hurt by this. They can't formally take offense at it, but still. Right.

He should change his name. Right? Are women funny? Well, we're gonna find out right now. All right! Oh, my God, Mark Norman. I asked the question. Oh, my God.

We have two regulars that do a new minute at the end of each episode since it started. Ooh, regulars. This is when regulars that do a new minute at the end of each episode since it started. Ooh, regulars. This is when it happens. Going up first tonight, you know her from the Dysentery podcast and from Here on Kill Tony. Really fun, goofy style.

Always a new minute from the stylings of Sarah Weinstein. Thank you. Hi, everyone. I'm going to swallow my gum real quick. Done. That was a real moment. I was given a cactus. Not happy about it. A girlfriend of mine gave me a cactus as a present. It

was a real passive aggressive move. I've been taking it really personally. I'm serious. Why the fuck would I want a cactus? In case I get a sunburn and I need to get some aloe vera out? A cactus, or cacti in general, is a great gift to give to someone that you're unsure about. It's just a subtle, fuck you. You're not emotionally mature enough for flowers. Okay, done. Alright. Was the end of it the emotionally mature enough

for flowers? I don't really know. The cat threw me off there. It's a loud cat. I've killed two cactuses for the same exact reason people gave me. He can't take care of his shit. It's the worst. How do you kill it?

You have to put a stake in its heart. You think cactuses don't need water, but they actually probably do, I think. That's what I was going to say. It's a really, really, really funny premise that you have that your friends

are underestimating your ability to take care of something. And I think there is something funny in the fact that I don't think everybody knows exactly whether you can kill

a cactus or not. And it does seem like somewhat of a challenge. Like, it's definitely the zombie of the plant world to where, you know, there's stuff there. That's a good line. That's a good tag right there. Oh,, you know, there's stuff there.

That's a good line. That's a good tag right there. Oh, thank you. Wow. Thanks for that tag, Tony. You're welcome, Sarah. That's why I'm here every week. These helpful tags.

I loved your persona, your cadence, your attitude. I was just looking for that one beautiful, beautiful line about cacti. And you're clearly riding your way there. I'm mostly just going to ridicule your outfit, okay? Really? For those of you listening at home, she's going,

no, it's fucking adorable but I'm going to make some jokes about it. Is that a one piece or is that a skirt and a top? It's a skirt and top. Okay, so it's a skirt. It's a little black skirt

that's kind of a... Navy. Oh, I'm sorry. It's a navy blue pleated skirt, white pleated top with a little bow tie and I'm going to open up by saying there are four of us. Could we get a booth?

Because it looks like she's a hostess at a steakhouse. Or a Santa Mark movie theater. She is a hostess at a steakhouse. I'm going to follow that up with, what percentage of your wardrobe does come from Liza Minnelli's garage sales? It's more like

a Wednesday Addams. It's weird you say something about her outfit because she is notorious for always wearing her pants like Pat. Really up to her nipples. Or like mom jean skit from Saturday Night Live. Do you like that style at all? She's fucking adorable.

What you don't understand is the hilarious roasting of each other that you do. This is what we lady comics do to each other when we are sassing each other. Thanks, girl. A Meliza Minnelli garage sale line is like the finishing maneuver in a gay lady war. Thank you. I personally think she looks beautiful, but I agree.

I think that... I think that... Never mind. I think the waist needs to be re-evaluated. People's waistline needs to be re-evaluated. The belt goes down like two inches above your dick. Thank you for watching Project Runway. Now back to Keltoni.

Sarah. Honey, I don't know if you know how women work. She doesn't have a dick. She used to. So this is where the ghost dick was. Getting off its track, everybody. Way off its track. And we're driving it a little bit farther off the track.

So let's bring it back. Sarah, that was a great new minute. Thanks, everyone. Thank you so much. Wait. Sarah. That's really good. Cactus material. Cactus material.

Cactus material. What was the first thing we laughed at? The swallowing of the gum. It's hilarious. Oh, the gum. That might be my favorite opener of the night. I swallow almost every other piece of gum that I eat. Right.

And fucking watermelon seeds. Get the fuck out of here. Is that all bullshit, right? No, we all swallow. No, I mean that shit lives there and they're all having... But my thing is, she swallowed the gum. That was her setting it up, which I've been saying all night. You've got to set it up.

It showed who she was. It showed her persona. She was being real. Yes. Mark, if you always swallow, people will think you're a slut. You didn't say that. I was talking about cum, you guys. It was a hilarious joke about cum.

That was a cum joke. All right, we get it. You're gay. Speaking of cum. Speaking of. Coming to the stage now, our other regular, she dropped out of college at Florida once she did Kill Tony for the first time.

And she's written a new minute every single Monday and Kill Tony ever since. Put your hands together for her. It's Kimberly Congdon. Get on the beat and twerk, twerk, wrap around the beat say they feet just like the system make you come once, twice Hi everybody.

So I know we all heard about Robin Williams passing away today which is very very sad it is no I know it's very sad because he was a legendary actor he was an amazing amazing comedian and a great father

and I feel like a lot of the comedians thought the same thing that I did when I found out why couldn't it have been my father I feel like a lot of the comedians thought the same thing that I did when I found out. Why couldn't it have been my father? I think that the passing of Robin Williams has really proven we don't give a fuck about Gaza. That's a part of getting older, though. I guess as you grow old,

you start losing your idols, which is sad. That's the part about getting old I don't look forward to. That and saggy titties. Boom. Three big bangers from Kimberly Convin. Best set you've had the last 10 sets, I would say. Thank you.

Oh, she's been here. Yeah, she does every episode. The last two girls, they're here every week. Oh, okay, all right, learning. Very fun. You took chances, went with the Robin Williams thing, stayed in the pocket until the punchline. That's fun that you're willing to tackle topical stuff,

and not just invest everything in the long term but willing to take chances because what you have a great format to be able to do that out of at a place like this especially with breaking news so for you to do both times you went into Robin Williams the first time I'm like oh God no you came out in the clear and then when you went back

to Robin Williams I'm like fuck but you did it again somehow and then you ended with a good joke and that's what it's all about. Me and Tony both were like oh. Obviously those jokes are a little bit more tailored to comedians you know the opener at least but that's

totally fine that you're taking chances like that and playing the card that you're dealt really really well. But also she twisted it on herself, which didn't make it. I was assuming that you were going to honor him, honor him, and then slam him in some sort of inside-y kind of way. And the fact that you made it about

your own dad, I thought was lovely. And that you worked with the energy of the dude who was being super enthusiastic and didn't break for that, I thought was beautiful. Yes. Some douche up there was chatting, but you didn't let it throw you. But also, she raised an issue that has big energy to it.

The audience is going to be responsive. She has to be able to surf on that. Sure, sure. And then you made the Gaza joke, which is so true. Double topical PowerPoint. Well done. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. The minute flew by.

The minute flew by. It did. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. There she goes. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Sarah Weinshank's on Twitter at Princess Shank. That's Princess Shank. And at Kimberly Congdon.

You see, guys, women are funny. Kimberly Congdon. And those two girls, that's a brand new minute. They do that each week. Oh, wow. Wild, right. Kimberly's a goddamn machine. I saw her in Roast Battle and she tore that other bitch up. Oh, yeah, that's right. You did see that. Congratulations, Kimberly.

That's right, she won. Kimberly is considered by many to be the Ronda Rousey of the women's field of Roast Battlers, which is a great crown to have. Ronda does not like black guys. What? What? Hi-oh! Double inside information for you

listeners that hate us. Jeez. Pete, what's going on, buddy? You want to promote anything? You're at PDC on Twitter, one of our best pals, one of our good friends. That's right. Find me everywhere on Twitter at PDCC and I'll be roast battling here September 2nd

if you want to come watch that. There you go. That's about it. I'll be in Joshua Tree in about two and a half hours. Speaking of Joshua, Josh Martin is a producer and a great helper of the show. Our speech impediment friend over there. Yeah, Josh. Say hi to the crowd, Josh. Good job, Josh.

Say hi, you fucking pussy. He's on Twitter at JoshMartinComic. Always fun. Guys, what do you got coming up? Let's promote some stuff. August 29th, Nerd Melt Theater Talk Show, The Game Show, come. August 29th. Do you have a podcast yet? I do not have a podcast.

Why don't you have a podcast? Everyone in the city has a podcast. You seem one of the most funniest people I've ever met. You're so sweet. I'll see what I can do. Alright. Mark has a very funny podcast. Tell the people about it. You'd be a great fit at Death Squad. Yeah. You want to do a Death Squad podcast?

Sure. I have this thing called dysentery. That's how it happens. Mark, what's coming up? What do you got? Very funny on Twitter. You're one of those comedians that actually tweets funny stuff throughout the day. I try.

There's very few like you left. They just started following you. Everybody's promoting now. But thank you. Yeah, yeah, follow me on Twitter. And I got a podcast called Tuesdays with Stories. And another podcast called We're All Friends Here, which Guy has been on and really unloaded.

People tell horrible stories about themselves. Ali Wong talked about blowing somebody while he poops. Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, you'd be perfect for this. Good times. So, yeah, yeah. You know, check me out in New York, River, New York.

Check my website and all that shit. Mark Norman's in New York Oh I have an album Come see us in Phoenix October 23rd And I do believe Toronto we're coming Toronto, Ohio

There's a bunch of new dates that's coming soon Go to deathsquad.tv Go to TonyHinchclough.com We love you. Good night. Thank you, live audience. We love you. We love you.

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