KILL TONY - KILL TONY #66

Episode Date: October 4, 2014

Maz Jobrani, Jamar Neighboors, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Stuart Thompson, Brian Redban – Date: 08/18/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony, which is recorded live at the Comedy Store every Monday in Hollywood, California. It's free, 8 p.m., and it's followed by the Ding Dong Show. This Wednesday, October 8th, we are, Joey Diaz, Neil Brennan, Rory Albanese, Mike Black, Tiffany, Haddish, Tony. We had so many people last time. And this week is going to be no different. It's only $10. You can go to thecomedystore.com and get your tickets. Look for the Death Squad Secret Show October 8th.

Also, please check out our tour date calendar. October, I'm going to be in like a different city almost every week. You can just go there, click on DeathSquad.tv, click on tour dates, and you'll see all our tour dates, including me, Dean Del Rey, and Tiffany Haddish are going to Michigan, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Dr. Grin's on October 15th. October 16th, listen to this. If you like Kill Tony, if you want to try stand-up comedy, or if you're an open-miker that lives in Columbus, Ohio,

we are doing the Death Squad Draft, which is a competition that you sign up for when you come to the show. You can sign up if you want to be on the show or try to be on the show. We are randomly going to pick people from the names that we get, and you're going to compete. You're going to give your best three minutes of material, and then we are going to choose a couple people, and then they are going to battle it out at the end by doing a stand-up on the spot, kind of like a thunder pussy. We're just going to tell you what we want you to do a joke about, the spot kind of like a thunder pussy we're just going to tell you what we want you to do a joke about and whoever wins that gets to open up for us the next show uh at the funny bone uh you get

to open up for us so at seven o'clock i'm sorry that's confusing seven o'clock death squad draft followed by nine o'clock we're doing a comedy show there and you can open up for us if you win the death squad draft so again that's october 16th columbus ohio funny bone uh and then october 17th we are going to be in indianapolis indiana doing a late show at morty's comedy joint again that's me tiffany haddish and dean delray and then october 23rd me and tony hinchcliffe return to ph. Also, we are going to announce something huge. So if you live in Toronto, check out for an update very soon. Also, Death Squad is coming to San Francisco and Sacramento at the end of October.

Details very soon on that. But tickets are on sale right now. All right. Don't forget to look at the Death Squad store. Buy some merch. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, he's all over the place also, all right, check out this now, this is the worst opening ever, all right, guys, here's a new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the world famous comedy store

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume so give it up for Tony Hedgler Fuck yeah everybody, this is it this is where the magic happens Hi everyone, how you doing? Happy Monday Alright, fuck yeah Fuck yeah, everybody. This is it. This is where the magic happens. Hi, everyone. How you doing?

Happy Monday. All right. Fuck yeah. It's a real live audience, everybody. You could tell by that reaction that we do not use laugh tracks or fake applause. That's as real as it gets. I'm excited that everybody's here. This is so much fun. This is episode 66 of Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen.

66. That gentleman is celebrating it with a 66 on his sleeve right up there. Wow, that is. That's a 66 on your sleeve. Yeah. Look at that. We always have somebody on that top shelf wearing the number of whatever episode we have, and the tradition continues here tonight with the 66.

I love sixes. Indeed. I think everybody does. Everybody's a big fan of six. Seven, it starts to get a little bit weird, right? Yeah, it's weird. Guys, I'm so excited about tonight's episode. Put your hands together for our sponsor, our real sponsor,

gourmet chef Elise Lane, everybody, sitting right over there. Yeah. Holy shit. Holy shit is right. This was the best week so far. She'll be on Dining with Doug and Karen Monday, August 26th on that podcast, and you can follow her on Instagram and Facebook. She's at The Girl with a Pan.

She makes us gourmet meals every evening. Uh, and, uh, today was the best today was everybody's saying that today was the best. She made me a special salad that I haven't gotten to eat yet. However, she made everybody else steak and blue cheese pizzas, steak and blue pizzas, balsamic marinated steak, Gorgonzola blue cheese. Crushed tomato concasse. Am I saying that right? Concase. All right, I'm going to take it from the top.

Steak and blue pizzas with a balsamic marinated steak. Gorgonzola blue cheese. Crushed tomato concasse. Did I say it wrong again? How do you say it? Concase. All right. I'm not going to take it from there.

I'm going to take it from the middle. Concase sauce with spinach and olive oil salad and fleur de sel. Did I say that right? Nailed it. Boom. It was delicious. It's my favorite thing.

There's something about balsamic shit mixed with steak and blue cheese. Like that combo. It just drives me crazy. I had Italian for lunch today. And I forgot how good Italian bread with olive oil and balsamic is. Just straight up. Just a classic combination that people have been eating for centuries. Right?

But that one, that's one of the perfect ones. Bread with balsamic and olive oil. Look out. Diet tip. Fuck dressing. Just use balsamic vinegar. There's zero calories in vinegar. I put that shit on everything.

Chicken, fucking lettuce, whatever. You know what's crazy is that now I'm thinking about it and I'm starting to realize that we're describing these delicious meals to people listening on a podcast. They're just starting their work day and everything, and now they're going to be starving way before lunch. All right. Good.

Steak and blue pizza. Man, can you imagine having a party, though, and having that catered with this? That's perfect. So if you need a caterer... Yeah, if you need any catering... Catering. At Elise Lane, guys.

Yes. And by the way, we have something huge to announce. This Wednesday, our first time Elise Lane, guys. And by the way, we have something huge to announce this Wednesday. Our first time doing this, guys. We're having our first Death Squad secret show, live comedy show from the main room. 8 o'clock. We got Bill Burr, Chris D'Elia,

Steve Renizzisi, Henry Phillips, Eliza Schlesinger, Tony, myself, and some secret guests that we're not allowed to say, but do the math. Look who's here the weekend, this weekend. Find out what's going on. Figure it out.

But we got some amazing time. This Wednesday, it's only $10, 8 o'clock here at the Comedy Store. Two days from now. 2 p.m. A super show. Do it. Also, happy to announce Phoenix, Arizona. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah.

That's another one. We're going to be in Phoenix, Arizona October 23rd at Stand Up Live. We're returning there, me and Tony, doing some sets there. That's one of the best places. It's going to be so much fun.

We did that last year and we got a huge turnout. It's a gigantic comedy club, so please, Phoenix, come out. We have to try to fill it. Yeah. It's like 500 or 600 seats or something crazy.

It's ridiculous. And it's attached to something that's kind's like 500 or 600 seats or something crazy. It's ridiculous. And it's attached to something that's kind of like that bar down the street where there's a... If you know anybody that lives in Phoenix, that once lived in Phoenix, or if you have any cousins or your meth dealer or whatever goes on in Phoenix,

please invite them out to that show. That's October 23rd. And don't forget, we also have October 16th, Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio, the beginning of our huge Midwest tour, and the tickets will be on sale soon for that. Oh, that's crazy. It's going to be one continuous thing.

The Death Squad tour starts in the middle of October. Guys, are you ready for Kill Tony 66? Let's get this shit rolling. We always have a head of security to keep us safe. This week will be no different. This is this guy's first time playing the Patriot

role. He's one of the smartest, funniest rising comics here at the Comedy Store. A lot of people compare him to a young Tony Hinchcliffe. He's very well spoken. He does a lot of spots. He works hard. He writes hard. He can riff in the moment, come up with

stuff right off the top of his head. One of our smartest, funniest young friends playing the Patriot tonight. It's Stuart Thompson, ladies and gentlemen. The Pronunciation Patriot. This guy is Stanford, right? UC Berkeley. Probably our patriot with the best resume ever.

Best curriculum vitae of the Patriots. There you go you could have probably easily have uh pronounced concasay correctly yeah did i say it right boom concasay flow de sail anyway how you doing i love that you're wearing the penny loafers tonight not many many Patriots have done that before. I've never actually seen ankle from a Patriot. Do you have socks on, or is that just swamp feet? What do you got there? I don't use them. I'm already no socks. That's how loafers are worn.

Wow. Fuck yeah. That's how loafers are worn. You would know. They teach you that at Berkeley, right? Yeah, a little bit of that, yeah. It's nice to know that the Patriot outfit comes in ankle pants. I love that. Yeah, you got the iron capris on. Oh, my God, it is iron capris. It's so funny.

I feel like I'm in middle school again. Yeah. I was a little girl. Oh, look at you, flipping characters on us. I like that. That would be awesome if you had a little ankle bracelet on. Well, I'm so glad you're here. You're going to keep us safe.

A lot of fun stuff is about to happen. I'm going to bring up tonight's guests. This is a very special one for me because they're two of my truly funniest friends. One, they call him the Persian Elvis, the master of disaster. You know him from so many great things. And also Jamar Neighbors, one of the funniest, funniest, funniest regulars here at the Comedy Store,

a late-night guru, just always hilarious. We started together. So put your hands together for him, everybody. It's Maz Jabrani and Jamar Neighbors. Exciting one. This is a very exciting

combination of guests that I have tonight. How are you guys? So excited that you guys are here. How you doing? Welcome. Yeah. Maz, this is your first time on the show. First time?

I didn't even know this show existed. I know. Until you asked me last week. I know. And Jamar, this is your second time. This is my second time, man. Maz, have you ever performed on stage with anything like that standing next to the stage? That's pretty cool, man.

Now, he's got to stand the whole time, or does he get a chair? Hour and a half, you got to stand? There's a fainting couch right behind him. There's a fainting couch where once about every other episode, the Patriot passes out at some point from dehydration, and he just falls back on that. Is that a belt buckle? I thought the shape of his dick was a circle.

It's the iron bulge. The iron bulge. Fantastic. And it's right where the microphone would be. Yeah. Does it speak? Well, I will truly be watching all of you tonight. Whoa.

That was you. Jesus. I don't know. You tried. You went for it. That's what counts. You definitely went for it. What was that?

A James Earl Jones or something? I think you put on a mask, you got a voice amplifier, and then you might as well go for the duck. He's got great enunciation. Yeah, I can only think about it every time I hear him talk. Well, you know, when you have the opportunity to grab life by the balls and do a good James Earl Jones impression, I think you should just go for it.

That's what happens when white people really think about how they breathe. There you go. He's one for five on the night. He's swinging hard. He's like the guy that swings at home run derby and misses.

He's swinging, man. We're throwing you beach balls, I think. I like those loafers, man. Looks like a Power Rangers going to prom and shit. I went to Cal as well. Yeah? But I didn't enunciate like him, so I don't have the... You could be like a news anchor with that.

Yeah, I guess I could. Let's listen to him talk some more. Every week the Patriot always asks our two guests a question. Patriot, what do you got for our guests tonight? Well, I always love hearing road stories from comics that I meet, and I always love hearing horrific road stories in particular because those are the most fun. Jamar and I have had the pleasure

of going on the road together in San Diego. So my question for Jamar is, what is your most horrific comedy show on the road you've had to deal with? And then with Maz, since you two are worldwide, I would love to hear about your most horrific road story outside the U.S. All right.

Fuck yeah. Iron monologue. Jesus Christ. So it's a four-part question. And then if you just elaborate on that. Normally it's a question. Tonight it's an essay. I feel like I'm allowed to throw ice bucket water on him.

Which airport lounge, while you were traveling, part three of the question is part four of the question. No, those are good questions, man. Especially if Jamar were to say the worst road trip was when he had to travel with you. That wouldn't be nice. That shit was very, very...

That's one of them. You guys went to San Diego? We went to San Diego and he doesn't stop riffing. And he's an awesome riffer, but it's like, nigga, shut the fuck up. But the worst one ever was probably, oh, have you ever been to, did you guys ever go to Osaka Joes? I knew you were going to fucking say it. Osaka Joes.

I somehow knew that was the one place you were going to pick. San Luis Obispo because he only paid us in sushi. This guy, it's like he would only pay us in very, very amazing sushi when they started. He's like, I know these guys from Japan. It's an amazing sushi place. Come up. You could eat all the premium rolls that you want. And it was amazing.

The catch is that we were just doing like 10 minutes of stand-up, and it was a five-and-a-half-hour-long drive. So would the headliner get better sushi, or was it like – No, everybody got to – even the opener, it was all you could eat. Amazing sushi. See, that's what – something people – and you guys are all comedy fans, but people don't know is when you start out, you will take – exactly what you just said. You will drive five hours, and you'll convince all comedy fans, but people don't know is when you start out, you will take exactly what you just said.

You will drive five hours and you'll convince yourself this is worth it. Totally. Because you're going to get a meal out of it. An amazing meal. I remember at the time, I loved sushi, but we couldn't possibly eat it. We're next to Katana. There's a sushi place right next door. Right.

You could have just gone next door. No, you need that money thing. That's the thing when you're starting out. Osaka Joe kept talking about everybody he knew, right? Like he was the most connected person ever. He had these khakis. There were pants and they were hung up on the wall. And he said those were Jerry's pants from Seinfeld.

But they were like, Jerry wasn't that fat though. Right. Wait, so he didn't have pictures with the star? No. He had his pants? No, he just had these pants in a frame and he said these are Jerry Seinfeld's pants. You should say that about any pants.

I didn't give a fuck. I was just like nigga shut up but that gig was crazy because what it did was at least for me is it reminded me of what it can be like you know what I mean when you're eating delicious high grade sushi

it was sort of a special trip did he give you a place to stay or you had to drive back and he was a great host. It was actually really fun, but you just didn't get paid. So you got paid in hotel and sushi. It wasn't even a hotel. It was like a closet attached to the... It was Jerry Seinfeld's

closet. It was very small. Jerry Seinfeld's closet. Those are his pants. Right there. Michael Richards' shirt. So true. Osaka Joe's is crazy. I bet it's still open. Michael Richard's is set list and shit. Yeah.

All right. So how about you, Maz? Craziest road thing? Well, there's a lot. Let me narrow it down for you because here's one that I want to know. Other side of the world, something crazy happens. Well, before I get to the other side of the world, how about Brawley, California, which is almost the other side of the world.

You guys remember Little Larry? You know Little Larry? For those of you who don't know Little Larry, he's a little guy and he was a comedian and a tour bus guy. He did the Star Tours. He's terrible. And Little Larry showed up one time and he goes, listen, I got a gig

in Brawley. And he goes, I want you and Steve Rannazzisi and Al Madrigal. And all three of us, we said, all right. So it's like a five-hour drive. We drove down there and it was kind of funny because it's right on the border of Mexico and America, California, and it's called Brawley. And I realized later why. So when we got down there, Larry first said, listen, watch my set. Give me some feedback.

And the first thing he did when he went up there was he turned on some music and started doing the running man and took off his shirt. And he's skinny, and he was just in a jersey just doing the running man. That was his set. And I love Larry, but I told him afterwards, Larry, well, the first part is you've got to start writing jokes. You can't just do the running man. And then the irony of it, though, is Larry was like a good luck charm

because that same year, me, Steve, and Al, we each got a TV show. We all ended up on a show that year. So he was like our lucky charm. But it was Brawley. So here I am headlining at the end of the show, doing my show. A lot of Latinos in the audience. I'm doing my thing. I got to do like 30, 40 minutes.

Halfway through my set, like 50% of the audience stands up and runs out. And I was like, oh, shit, the Federales showed up. I honestly thought, that's what I thought. I was like, I said, those guys were all illegal. Because it wasn't like, nobody said anything. They all just like looked at each other, got up and ran out. Oh, my God. And I was like, oh, my God. I was like, we're on the guys were all illegal because it wasn't like nobody said anything. They all just like looked at each other, got up and ran out. Oh, my God. And I was like, oh, my God.

I was like, we're on the border. There's a raid going on. I've never had this in my entire life. And I'm like, do I keep going? Do I do crowd work? You know what I'm saying? You know, you, sir. You know, what do you do for a living?

You know, I'm a coyote. You know, shit. You know, I bring people across the border. You know, great. So I was like, I'm just going to finish. I finished. And it turned out, this is the thing for Brawley, and this is when I realized what kind of town this is.

The promoter, his ex-wife showed up with her friend, and his girlfriend was there as well. So the girlfriend had gone to the bathroom, and the ex-wife and her friend got up and went to the bathroom and beat the crap out of, like, there was blood. Like, that's her friend got up and went to the bathroom and beat the crap out of, like there was blood. Like that's why everyone got up and ran because like cops showed up. There was breaking up fights. I was like, holy shit, this is Brawley.

Like it was like, that's the town. I see why they call it Brawley. You saw why you called it Brawley. And we did not keep our hotel room that night. We came back because we didn't want to. So that shit happens on the road here in California. I don't have to go international. For those of you that don't know, they really do.

They call you the Persian Elvis. Tripoli, I think, called me Persian Elvis, otherwise known as Pelvis. That was a joke. We did the Axis Evil comedy tour, and then it took off, and then we started doing really well. Then we went to the Middle East in 2007 and actually started doing shows for the people of the middle east that was the first time that there'd been like a group of american comics that went out there and it was weird because we didn't expect it to be that hot once we landed they were like all right

we have a press conference scheduled later this evening we're like press conference you know what the hell and we showed up and there was like a bunch of lined up, pressed, waiting to hear what we had to say. And it was the trippiest thing. And then suddenly we were being treated like royalty out there. And it's weird to just make a trip. And then you come back to LA, and you land, and you're playing cab drivers. And so here you're a cab driver.

Over there, you're royalty. Do you ever go back to visit? Or is it something that you're like, now I'm fine? No, I go out there a lot. Actually, a lot of other American comedians have started going out there now. That's cool. You go out there now and there's a lot of, like some of the comedians, I don't know, like I just did Saudi Arabia.

This was trippy. Before, the first time I ever did Saudi Arabia, it was underground. It was like a rave because it was illegal to do stand-up, but you had like a prince that would sponsor it so you could come in. And they would also say when you come through immigration, they go, don't say you're here for stand-up, but you had a prince that would sponsor it so you could come in. They would also say, when you come through immigration, they go, don't say you're here for stand-up comedy. Performing is illegal. You're not supposed to

perform. Live performances are illegal. They said, if they ask you at the border what you're here for, just tell them you're a consultant. I was like, consulting what? They go, I don't know. Just make it up. I'm freaking out. I'm like, what am I consulting on? And I was really, I was freaking out. I was coming up to the,

I was coming up to the immigration, and the craziest shit happened. You know how, like, usually, like, when you go through passport control, there's one dude facing this way, and another dude facing that way, and like, there's two lines. So as I'm talking to my guy, the guy that's dealing with the guy on the other side starts going, he looks

at the guy's passport, and he goes, British? And the guy goes, yes, yes, I'm British. And then the guy on the other side starts going, he looks at the guy's passport and he goes, British? And the guy goes, yes, yes, I'm British. And then the guy goes, hey, James Bond. And the guy was like, no, I'm not James Bond. He goes, no, no, James Bond. And the guy's like, no, I'm not James Bond. He didn't look any like James Bond, but the passport control guy was convinced

for some reason, just kept calling him James Bond and the guy was like, no, no. And then he tapped my guy, that passport guy tapped my guy and goes kept calling him James Bond. And the guy was like, no, no. And then he tapped my guy. That passport guy tapped my guy and goes, hey, James Bond. And my guy turns around and goes, hey, James Bond. And I was like, holy shit, what are the chances? This guy has got these guys preoccupied with James Bond. And I was like, they didn't ask me any questions.

He just turned around and looked at me. He's like, hey, James Bond. I was like, James Bond. And he stamped my passport and went right through. And that was like the first time I performed. It was the underground Bond. And he stamped my passport. I went right through. And that was like the first time I performed. It was the underground shows. So it was mixed audiences. The most recent time I went, now they're doing public shows.

Like there's other princes that have made it so that it's illegal to do it. So the trippiest thing was when you perform, this side of the room, the right side are families, men, women, and kids. The left side is all dudes. Just divided like that. And it's the weirdest thing in the world. Is there things that you're still not allowed to talk about? Like you can't talk about goats or something? No, no. Well, goats.

Red Band, everyone knows you're not supposed to talk about goats in Saudi Arabia. If they ask you about goats. Did he say goat? Just say your pet goat. That is bullshit. He insulted my pet goat. No, it's funny. Whatever you do. that is bullshit he insulted my pet cult no it's funny you say that

because when you go there they always say don't talk about sex, religion and politics that's what they say and you're like hello goodnight no but actually it was interesting because they had said they brought Eddie Griffin there before me and they said you can't cuss yeah check that

yeah how would you fare at this place oh man Griffin there before me and they'd said, you can't cuss. Yeah. Check that out. That's how. Yeah. And so I was like. How would you fare at this place? Oh, man. I'd fuck up real bad. There you go. Like you can't do that. But here's what's crazy.

This is what they told me because I asked them. I go, listen, I was running these jokes by them. I was like, what if there's a joke? I referenced masturbation. Can I say masturbation? And the promoters are young guys were like, listen, bro, Eddie Griffin was here, and he did like 45 minutes of clean. And then at a certain point, he said something like, you know, they told me I can't cuss,

but I'm not sure. And then all the side with the guys were all like, yeah. So he was like, fuck it. I'm going to cuss the last 15 minutes. And supposedly the guys on the left, all the guys were loving it. The families were shocked. And I experienced that a little bit because i did a couple references where i said like i would say like penis this left half the right half like i can't believe he said penis wow then i would do like a political joke and the right half would be oh it's fantastic and the left

half be like what's this bullshit did they really seat him like separately like that they were literally seated separately. It's like performing at Congress or something. Dude, because part of it, too, is you're walking on eggshells because internationally you also don't know, like, what can I say, what can't I say. So, like, I do some jokes about Bin Laden. And, like, when you do a joke where you make fun of Bin Laden in America, you get laughs. But he's from Saudi Arabia. And his family is actually a prominent family.

It's like saying the Kennedys. Imagine if the Kennedys had someone who'd done that shit. Well, whatever, not the Kennedys. Somebody that we really love. If a Saudi Arabian comedian came here and was like, fuck the Michael Keaton. Yeah, exactly. People would be like, what?

Did he just talk about Batman like that? Exactly. It's Beetlejuice, man. Exactly. It's Beetlejuice, man. Exactly. So as I would go into those jokes, I was like, I don't know if I can make fun of Bin Laden or not. And I did the jokes, and I think some of them were offended by it. And it was kind of weird to have that experience. But overall, the comedy is actually spread all over the world because of the Internet and stuff.

Yeah. So all these guys know who everyone is. I love it. Well, let's get it on. All right. You guys know how it works. Comedians get 60 seconds, and then we just talk to them. You know 60 seconds is up, comedians, when you hear the sound of a kitty.

You could all hear that, right? That's at the same volume level as everything else, right? Okay. Well, that means you've got to wrap it up when you hear that cat. Don't go any longer than that or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

There you go. Sounds extra angry tonight. A bird just made it out of its reach. That is one crazy bear. So let's get it started. Kill Tony, episode 66. To the bucket we go. And your first comedian tonight. We've had a lot of first timers lately. We've had a lot of funny regulars. Anything can happen. So let's see where we start.

With Ori Amir. I know this guy. He's a neuro, double major biomolecular neurosurgeon student from USC. Put your hands together for Ori Amir. Here we go. I love Americans very much. But you guys are so impolite.

Do you mind if I demonstrate? Here. See, this is the polite way to hand over a dildo. Please stop handing me dildos like this. It's so impolite. Don't worry, this has only been inside clean vaginas. I like my penis. You guys like prop comedy? Hey, look, I got a Jewish nose. Don't

worry, I can make this joke because I'm a dirty Jew. As you can tell, because my dildo is circumcised. Remember, folks, it's not the size of your dildo, it's how proudly it is played. So, you guys want to purchase dildos after the show, I can give you a discount. All right.

Wow. First thing I'm going to say is, Maz, I'm sorry you had to see that. Bullshit! My goat would eat him at this point. Jamar, you almost had a dildo fall on you at one point. I apologize to you. Ori, Amir, if you would have told me that you're the guy that's the brain surgeon out of the open mic circuit,

and then you did that, I would have been pretty surprised. Normally you're talking about smart stuff, and you decided to go with an old bag of dildos, huh? I figured, well, people look down at dick jokes, and people look down at prop comedy. What if I combined the two? Is that your real accent? Yeah.

Where are you from? Israel. Israel, fantastic. Anytime someone with an accent comes up here, comes up with a bag and you don't know what the fuck's in it and he goes in and he goes slow and he takes it out,

I'm like, nigga, okay, nigga, you're funny. I'm like, you win. Come on, black man, stop racial profiling. Man, shit. One thing's true. You better hope nobody from Israel sees you put the dildo up to your nose and call yourself a dirty Jew. Because you're not going to have

a good homecoming when you go back. And then when he took out the dildo, I kind of wished it was a gun. Nice one. But you're a medical student? I'm a neuroscientist. I'm not going to cure anybody. You're an Israeli neuroscientist,

and you decided to go with a bag with a dildo. You should talk about that. That's interesting. There's not a lot of Israeli neuroscientists doing stand-up. Do you know any? Well, I mean, no. Definitely not, first of all.

That's a unique point of view. Yeah. I don't know any kind of scientist. Don't encourage that shit, man. I'm like that shit. I did not expect this reaction from you. He's too smart for that shit. Nigga, are you crazy?

You're too smart for that shit. No, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that I would go away from the dildo. Yeah. Oh, I thought you were encouraging him to do it. No, no. I'm saying he's an Israeli neuroscientist. That's interesting.

How did he end up? Why are you doing comedy? What happened? What's going on? Your parents made you do that, become a neuroscientist, but you always wanted to tell jokes? I have passion for both. Passion for both. All right.

And you got time to do both? Apparently. It's not that easy, but yeah. All right. Good for you. Well, there's something there, no? Yeah. How much longer until? what are you doing now? what's the work that you did today?

so I mean I'm finishing the experiment where I scan comedians brains and when they come up with funny ideas I finish collecting the data what did you find out? Anything exciting?

A bunch of stuff. I guess the simplest conclusion is that you know how they say, if you have fun, you'll be funnier? You can actually see it in the brain. You can actually see that there is greater activation in pleasure regions

before you come up with the funnier jokes. Gotcha. There you go. You've been putting things on comedians' heads and analyzing when they come up with funny stuff? That's fucking cool. Who are the comedians? You've been getting open micers or established?

I had some established and some less. I have about 10 established and 10... And you put like those things on their heads in a room or is it during the show? How do you get that? Well,

it's an MRI so it's like this tube. The thing you see in the movies where they go inside the... And they go in there

and tell jokes? Yeah, they think of... Yeah, you lay there or he comes in with a bag of dildos and he writes it down. How do you get an audience in there? When I came out Yeah, you lay there, Ori comes in with a bag of dildos.

How do you get an audience in there? When I came out with the dildos, everybody started laughing. Now, did you buy that dildo just for that joke, or was that like a pre-wash? It was gifted. It was gifted to me when I bought other stuff. I don't remember what it was.

It was a sex toy. I don't remember what I bought. Whoa. By that accent, I'm guessing a black latex suit and a rubber ball to go in your mouth. I do not own... Everybody that sounds like you wears that at some point. They always have that

buried in a closet. I don't know what you talk about. When you guys were younger, did you guys have a dildo so whoever you were fucking, she could use? And then the next girlfriend would use it also? Younger? How about last week? Hey!

But I always thought you could just wash them and reuse them with different girls, but I guess they hate that. You're supposed to throw that away. Wash and reuse. You know what you needed to do? Where are they supposed to think that's from? What you should have done is got one of those price tag things and then just put a price tag. Every time, you'd be like, oh, I just got this.

Rip the price tag off. I should have. Do it. Yeah. And then stick it back on. That's a good idea. Come on, man. Think outside the box.

They're just not disposable, so it's hard to buy them. Put a condom on one. What were you doing when you thought of the dildo in the bag thing and you're like, that's what I'm going to go with? Had you just done something? Did you eat a good meal? Were you dehydrated? What was going on? Have you did that before?

Yeah. So you had a set list and it was like politics, dildo in the bag. You had your dildos and your dildos. Nice. Writer in the room. That's the tape of my dildo and your dildons. Nice. Writer in the room. That's the tape of my dildo material. Oh, I see what you did there. Oh, get out of here.

Now you're sliding in the dildo material. Oh, look at that. Another one. What are we doing? Any ideas? Another one. What are we doing? Any ideas? He was saying that he did the research and discovered that the best material comes when the comedian is having fun.

So is that what – with the dildo thing, were you like in a – were you in a situation where you were enjoying the dildo? Not you, maybe your girl. I don't know. Somebody was – I enjoyed it. No, not you. I'm saying was somebody with you and they were like what is

I thought it would be more fun, but the only thing they were just handing dildos. It's like a human centipede. This guy's a scientist and he studies sex and comedy. What kind of bullshit is that? I just thought it would be interesting to check it out. What were you learning at the sex class with the dildo train? Go ahead. And as they were passing these dildos around,

you took it, put the shit in your pocket, and brought that shit here. That's what's up, man. Did you get a scholarship, or are your parents paying for this shit? So you've taken this dildo. What's the answer? I'm curious. That's a good question. I'm paid to do the research I'm doing, not the dildo. What's the answer? I'm curious. That's a good question.

I'm paid to do the research I'm doing, not the dildo stuff. They pay you to play with dildos. I'm paid to fix the other stuff. The other stuff. The research they pay you. But your parents pay them. Someone's paying them, aren't they?

Or were you recruited as the number one researcher? Taxes? There you go. Whoa. Angry taxpayer out there in the crowd. This just turned into a real town hall. It's our taxes. He ain't got no scholarship.

Get the Jew. What? My sidewalk's cracked and this guy's going to school. And playing with dildos. At a point in time, he took that dildo and put it on his nose and said, I'm a Jew. Yeah, he really did. It was a crazy move.

Ori, you went for it. Hey, in comedy, you got to try shit, man. Fuck it. But not the dildo in the bag. Don't do that shit no more. Ori, thank you so much. Thank you. Good job, man.

He's on Twitter at Ori Amir, O-R-I-A-M-I-R. Ori Amir, that's funny. Did you guys ever do anything when you first started stand-up that you can't believe you did? Something goofy? Like a dildo in a bag, for example? I did this one time. I did Mo' Better Mondays.

Have you ever done Mo' Better Mondays? Yeah. It's like the black comedy room. And I'd done the one, Chocolate Sundays, which was the Laugh Factory black comedy room. And I did all right in Chocolate Sundays. And then I was going to do Mo' Better Mondays and uh there was actual black comedians that were telling me they're like that is the worst room like just if you don't do well don't worry about it and i and i was like coming off of like 10 good sets i was like i got it don't worry about it and when i showed up

actually triply was there too triply showed up he's like i'm here to support you tonight and more better mondays and i was like how bad is this Mo' Better Mondays? And then all these people were like, man, we're here for you. I'm like, I got it. And I went up. I started doing stand-up and just nothing. And people were just looking at me. And it was a room full of like, it was just like, you know how it can be intimidating

like doing a black room and they're just looking at you. And I was the first one up. And I was like trying to do crowd work. And like if somebody were like, man, stop talking to me. I was like, oh, shit. I was like, fuck. I was like, give me that light I was trying to do crowd work. And some people were like, man, stop talking to me. I was like, oh, shit. I was like, fuck. I was like, give me that light. I got to get off the stage.

Anyway, bombed hard, all right? Flash forward like five, six months later, OR at like 145 in the morning, and I've decided I'm trying to do some crazy character, just like what he did. I just went up and just talked in some stupid accent and just riffed the whole time. But I mean, that was his real accent

but I was trying to do stupid accent. Now his accent's not stupid. I'm saying my accent. So I was up there and I was like, hey, good to be here. And I'm starting riffing,

riffing, riffing and then there's these two girls in the corner, OR, 1.45 in the morning. There's like eight people in the room. There's two girls and they're like texting

or something. I'm like, hey girl, why are you texting? What is wrong with you? Pay attention, I'm up here. And I'm actually having a pretty good set right and the girl goes isn't that that guy from mo better mondays and i'm doing a different case i was like i don't know what you're talking about and she kept going you're the guy go i don't know what this is ah it's so funny.

That's hilarious. Yeah, those black rooms are tough, man. There's Chocolate Sunday, Mo' Better Monday, Trippin' on Tuesday, Chicken and Waffle Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, and Friday. It's just Friday. No, it's Fudge Friday because of the movie. Friday after next. And Kill All the White People Sunday. Tony, were you there that night? Fudge Friday because of the movie. Friday after next. Kill all the white people Sunday.

Tony, were you there that night? Years ago, I did the improv. It was like an industry showcase or some shit. But we were young. I didn't know it was an industry showcase. And comics would go up, and they would bomb, and they would bomb, and they would bomb. And I was like, that shit ain't about to happen to me, man. So when I get nervous and shit, I just start like I just start like just just going off the top so I went up in there and my first joke was about uh industry not my agents and shit and I went up there my first

joke was like yeah man you ever eat your grandma pussy right and uh and uh like it was it was in that vein like the whole time and at the end of the set, I was like, suck my dick and good night. And I dropped the mic. And I got banned from the improv for like three months. But you got an agent. Yeah, I got an agent. That's so awesome. That's showbiz for you.

Fuck yeah. Gotta go for it sometimes. So much fun. Ori Amir went for it. That's the tone of the show so far. We're gonna see how we follow Dildo in a bag. Put your hands together for your next comedian doing a minute. His name is Brian Kelly.

Here he comes. Brian Kelly, everybody. Come on. Hey, y'all. Really happy and nervous to be here. I'm a nail biter. Any of you guys do that shit? Nail biters in the room?

Yeah, it's not something you want to admit out in public. I heard since I was a kid, it's like, don't eat your body. Don't admit that you eat your body. So nobody eats their body in here. That's good. I remember eating my body when I was eating my mom's meatloaf for the first time

because it was like dried meat, you know, fingernails, same shit. And my parents sent me to a therapist when I was a little bit older. And I was in the therapist and the therapist was like, I think you bite your fingernails because you're nervous that there's not going to be enough snacks in the room.

I was like, I don't think that's right. Are you a real therapist? And the guy's like, no, I'm a student. Your parents are very cheap. So I moved on and I went to Walgreens because at Walgreens they have this lacquer shit. You put on your fingernails and it has cayenne pepper in it. You go to bite your fingernails, they take it, you spit it out, gets you to stop. So I went to the Be Well Ladies and they said, they put on your fingernails. That's right, that's the Angry West Party with Bear.

Good job. I'm going to ask you anyway. Reset the end of that. I wanted to heal the bear too. It was interesting. The idea is like, do you have that shit where you eat your fingers it tastes like shit and the lady's like staring at a wall

full of thousands of different nail polishes and brands. These all taste like shit. Take any one you want. That's actually what happened. There you go. That's actually what happened. There you go. There you go. That was a punch. Fucking cat.

When was this set? When are you talking about doing this for your nails? Like as a kid? Is that what you said? That your mom? What were you saying? How old were you? I fit in a whole span of time into a minute.

So I started really little. And then the Walgreens is most recently trying to stop. Gotcha. Hey, time out for one second. Stuart, his legs are getting tired. I saw him kind of bending a little bit. Can he sit? Stuart, if you want to sit, you can totally sit.

I'm just trying to keep the blood flowing. Yeah, poor guy. I saw him stretching. He was like, ah. I think we're about to see our first ever blood clot of a superhero. Stuart, what did you think about this set? When he was talking about eating his body, I kind of wanted to eat my body after I was listening to it.

But I mean, I chew my nails sometimes when I get nervous, so I kind of identified with it. I don't really identify with the fact that, like, a meatloaf being dried meat and fingernails, because fingernails are not dried meat. That's keratin. It's the same thing as your hair. I'm a nail biter.

It is sort of crazy that, like, society lets nail biters get away with eating themselves, whereas everything else, like, you can't just be munching on your elbow or anything like that, or else people would call the cops. Girls eat their hair. What? Chewing their hair. Yeah, they do.

They do? Yeah. Boogers. People eat boogers. Yeah, boogers. Well, that's just awesome. You have to do that. If you're by yourself and you don't eat your own boogers, then you're missing out on a

great piece of life. It's not that bad. Really? I'm the only one? No, not that bad. Especially when they're a little rare. Well, part'm the only one? No, not that bad. Especially when they're a little rare. Well, part of the

fingernail thing is it doesn't hurt. That's why. But it was good. I mean, I can relate. Everybody can. I mean, not everybody, but a lot of people

when you were kids, we did that. I mean, the way the stories were, like the reason you asked him to finish was because you actually were intrigued

the way he was telling the story. So that part of it was good. Yeah. I got lost with the meat, with the comparison to the meat love shit. Did you ever notice a time when you were

biting your nails more than other times? Sorry? Did I notice when I was biting them more than other times? Yeah. I was chewing the fuck out of them up there. I still do it. Oh, you still do it? To this day, yeah. Do you see a therapist now or no? No.

Did you really go see a therapist and he told you it was because there's no food? No, that's just something I made up. It would be fun to maybe play with that a little bit, what a therapist tells you about nail biting. I haven't been to a therapist but for other shit. And you didn't tell him about the nail biting? No, not yet. Is it like chronic nail biting? I think so.

They're pretty much down to the nubs. You got a Laney, wow, from Deep, one of the moms of the comedy store. Just straight disappointment. I don't know if you have a mom, Brian Kelly, but you just got mom disapproval right there. It's a very ashamed club of people. So you must have researched it. Have you found out what the reasons are that one would bite their nails as an adult? It doesn't even have a psychiatric cool name to it.

I researched it, but it doesn't have a lot to it. No, but I'm saying is it usually because when you're nervous? Yeah, it's anxiety. Or is it because you were neglected as a child? Anxiety. Yeah. So you don't drink? Do you drink?

Drinking makes it worse. Really? What about your toenails? Yeah. Do they keep them long? Yeah. I can't reach them, but I know people that do. I used to do that shit when I was little.

Say what? I used to bite my toenails when I was little. No, you didn't. I swear to God, I did. How old? Like a year and a half? Nah, man. I was like 13. Yeah, definitely. You can get your feet to your mouth. No, you didn't. I swear to God I did. How old? Like a year and a half? Nah, man. I was like 13.

Yeah, definitely. You can get your feet to your mouth. I can do it now. Oh, shit. But I'm not going to. Prove it. Prove it. Prove it.

Our first ever toenail bite. Have you thought about working in a nail salon? Ooh. Or as you would call it, an all-you-can-eat. Nice. Buffet.

There you go. A never-ending buffet. And imagine if someone comes in with shitty nails and they're like, oh, you need eat. Nice. Buffet. There you go. A never-ending buffet. And imagine if someone comes in with shitty nails. They're like, oh, you need to see him. And he's like. Come on in. So if you tear off a big toenail, would you just chew on that? Because that's the same thing?

Oh, God. I don't really fuck with my toes that much. Is there a thing out there that someone's invented, aside from something that you chew that reminds you of a nail that's not a nail? Is there a candy or something else? I thought about just going to a salon and getting the press-on things, just getting what girls do for fake nails. You should do that.

Do you think you'd eat them? No, see a therapist and figure out something else. His pinky is fucked up, man. You should just put like... Don't get him started, dude. I'm sorry. I don't want to make him nervous. This one's bleeding.

Oh, Jesus Christ. This guy's got open wounds. Listen, let me ask you. Once in a while when I cut... You ever cut your nails and then just right after you cut your nails, you're like, oh, fuck. You decide to have an orange.

You're like, oh, I should have peeled the orange first. So you're constantly living in that moment of like you don't peel oranges. You're all constantly like, fuck. No, I use my teeth for an orange.

I can't like open beer cans. But it's lovely with the ladies, right? I mean, you just go. There you go. See, it's straight to blasting with this guy. He didn't even start with fingering. Straight to blasting because he's got nothing to stop him from blasting. It's like a sawed-off shotgun.

Yeah, but his fingers are always bloody. He's got AIDS hands. AIDS hands. Nice. There's jazz hands and there's AIDS hands. Well, there's way for comedy. Same kind of thing. You can't get herpes on your hands, just so you know that.

All right. Well, you never know. Do you guys have a kid or something? I don't know. No, no, because I know a girl that has herpes on her eye, and when she gets it, it's just fucking gross. You can only get that from taking a hot load to the eye, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I don't know.

That means there was definitely a hot load there. Do you have to have an open wound for that shit? I don't know. It's pretty common in the eye, actually. You punched her and then boom. Maybe. Oh, my God. Slap of the dick.

Who knows? Jesus Christ. Sharp dick? Yeah. She would always wear glasses, though, when she had it. And I always knew because one day I asked her about it. And then she was one of those girls that just wore glasses all day long, all night long.

You're like, oh, you have glaucoma? She's like, no, herpes. Herpy eyes. Like, fuck. Brian, how long have you been doing stand-up? About three years. You make great faces, by the way. Right when we were talking, you were just smiling off in your own...

What? Rewind the tape and you'll be able to watch. See, look at these faces. You've got a Tom Cruise smile. Yeah. Right? It's like Pleasantville or something. I'm saying that in a nice way. Pleasantville, that's what it is, yeah.

But you got good... I mean, in a minute, who's going to be... I mean, it's hard in a minute. That was good. I've never done a minute, but it was fun to do for you guys. Yeah, and I thought you did a good job. I think you did too. Yeah.

I'll see you later. But go to a therapist. Figure out what the fuck's going on. Or just put a frosted flake over each nail. This way when you eat it, you're getting protein and stuff. Just have press-on frosted flakes. Brian Kelly, everybody. There he goes.

Nice. He's at Snazzy B. Kells. Snazzy B. Kells on Twitter. Yeah, that would be funny if every meal, then at lunch he puts lettuce, and then dinner, that's a good idea, Tony. Use the nails as a plate instead of the dish. Or wear gloves.

You can grow your nails back. We believe in you, Brian. I bite my nails too. All the way, yeah. Just like that. Bud Galloway, everybody. Your like that. Bud Galloway, everybody. Your next comedian is Bud Galloway. So I just got back from the most phallic state in the Union.

Florida. Yeah, yeah, yeah. California kind of looks like a dick too, but it's not a peninsula. Right? Hey. California kind of looks like a dick too But it's not a peninsula From right where the balls would be If America had balls The redneck Riviera Where there ain't nothing to do But smoke dope and fuck That's a real Southern woman quote right there

Miss those Southern ladies They're just different You know you buy them a cocktail? Maybe a little cocktane? They might give you some cocktail. L.A. women are so different. They ask all these questions like, what have you produced lately? I just fucking produced you a cocktail and some cocktane.

What else do you need? Usually it just ends with a cocktease. Ah, punchlines. Are we allowed to do that? What? Are we allowed to do that? What? Are we allowed to do punch lines? I don't know, sir. I'm, uh...

Wow. There we go. Fuck yeah, there you go. There we go. You're definitely allowed to do punch lines. That is permitted. All is permitted we encourage you I didn't know I had to explain that at the top of the show

but punchlines are acceptable here on Kill Tony listen man doing a minute is hard yeah but we've been through this they know what it is people sign up for it it's a minute and then you're on a podcast. Whatever they choose to do with it.

But 50 seconds in, he was like, fuck. He was like, where's that cat? He wanted the cat. Yeah, I didn't need the cat. Well, why is Florida the most phallic state of the union? In my opinion, when you lose it from the top, you really sort of lost me because there was only one reference, right? And it was peninsular.

From the top. You really sort of lost me because there was only one reference, right? And it was Peninsula? Well, I'm from right where the balls would be if America had balls. Northwest Florida would be where the balls would be. I get the feeling you say that all the time. When people ask you

for the first time, where are you from? I'm from the place where if America had balls, that's where I'd be. That might be a line he's used and actually picked up a girl using it. from the place where America had balls. That's where I'd be. It's like, come on, dude. That might be a line he's used and actually picked up a girl using it. Have you ever met a girl and said that?

Wow, you're from the balls of America. I love balls. Let's do this, Bud Galloway. I can't say I haven't said that a lot. You're from what? Like Tampa, Florida? No, Pensacola. So what's more phallic stuff about Florida?

Why did you go that route? The shape. He's the shape, right? Yeah, the shape. What does phallic mean? The skis or the skis. Penile. It's fluid, man.

Penis-like. Penis-like. Oh, okay. Cool. Yeah. Remember that dildo from before? Oh, that was phallic. Like the way you have the mic going right into your mouth. That's very phallic. Oh, okay.

Is it the Washington Monument? Yeah, that's a big one. Oh. Well, say that. You know what was really phallic was Ori Amir's dildo that he had up here earlier. That's what phallic is. Oh, say that. You know, it was really phallic was Ori Amir's dildo that he had up here earlier. That's what phallic is. Oh, okay. Cool, man.

Street terminology for phallic would probably be like dick on soft. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Yeah, that sounds funny. Did you say dick ensemble? What did you say? Dick on soft. Dick gone soft. Dick on soft. Dick on soft?

That's what you call a hard on? Is it dick on soft? No, I thought it was. It's hard. Oh, hard. Oh, dick on hard. Oh, that is right. Dick on hard.

There you go. Oh, okay. You were thinking of folic. Yeah. I'm kidding. There's no word. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. What is folic? Hey, what's folic? I don't know. I don't know. What is folic? Hey, what's folic? I don't know. Folic acid? It's a totally different thing. Just say Florida like a hard-ass dick. There you go.

We got laughs. There it is. It's kind of hanging loose. Florida's kind of hanging down there. It's not really erect. Just say it. Well, he just said hard-ass dick, and it worked. So you should try that next time.

Take my... It doesn't hit always. Sometimes just nobody knows what dick and it worked. You should try that next time. It doesn't hit always. Sometimes nobody knows what phallic means. Well, nigga, switch the word. I know. I say lose it entirely. No, I'm kidding. If you're going to go there, I'd say do more.

What did you say about the girls? That you miss the southern girls? The southern ladies because they're just different. You buy them a cocktail. Maybe a little cocaine. They might give you some cocktail. Damn. That pun was a stretch.

What's the last word you said? Buy them a cocktail and maybe a little cocaine. They might give you some cocktail. You're pretty much doing jokes about how Florida looks like a dick and wordplay on cock. That's your thing. Just say dick.

Yeah, it's tough to make it just having a plethora of dick jokes and wordplay. And I would know because I've literally had the little career that I've had off of those two things. And it's probably an adventure that you don't want to go down, Bud Galloway. Well, the complaining about women is a common theme, which is fine if you've got your point of view, and especially complaining about women in L.A. I've heard that a lot of guys do that. That's fine.

Southern women are awesome, though, right? Yeah, but if you just go with puns and stuff, that's not going to get you far. You should just talk about what you do every day. What did you do today? What's that? What did you do today? Today, I went to Kinko's.

Oh, fuck yeah. A hundred times better already. Today, I went to Kinko's. And what were you doing at Kinko's? Printing some shit. What were you printing? A resume. Yeah, this is already much funnier.

Oh, yeah, great. Okay. I love it. So what was the resume for? It was for, well... Just tell the truth. Stay in the pocket. I know it's getting rough.

Please say Chili's. Please say Chili's. What was it for? I don't know. Please say Hinko's. The Shito. The Shito. Marmont.

Chateau Marmont. For work. Yeah. This is already a sitcom. I love it. Let's book it. He came from Florida, the most phallic state in the Union. In the Union.

And he's now at the Chateau Marmont. How long have you been in LA? Three years. Nice. What have you been doing so far for a job? I worked for a Disney Channel show, Good Luck to Charlie. Oh, shit. What did you do on that?

Production ass. I was, you know, hand jobs and lunch. Oh, thanks. Hand jobs on a Disney set. That sounds creepy. Disney fluffer. Worked with my hands a lot.

What was it like working with the Disney kids? Were they nice to you or did they already have attitudes? They actually were all, everybody was cool on that show.

How old are the cast members of that show? 21, 18, 14, 4 and the parents I don't know, 45 or something. Wow. I bet there's a lot of good stories

in just your everyday life though. I would really maybe just work a dick joke into your job. You going to Kinko's, maybe? What did you do after Kinko's? You printed the resume, and then what? Did you have a folder for the resume? Did you just carry it around, one loose piece of paper? Did you only print one resume for this thing?

Like, instead of printing a few and then having it, are you the kind of guy that goes one resume at a time? Chateau or bust. Right. Totally. One resume to own it all. Yeah. I've only brought this one.

You better hire me because I know you're going to hire me. I did only print one. There's a joke, man. That's a joke about how you're the kind of guy that prints one resume. Was it a money thing? 20 cents. Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, pretty much.

Shit. Yeah. That is funny. That's messed up. Yeah. I would recommend giving plasma. It's usually pretty expensive. You can go twice a week.

$70 is what it used to pay in Ohio, so maybe you can get like $200 out here. And I'm sure there's stuff you can do. used to pay in Ohio, so maybe you can get $200 out here. I'm sure there's stuff you can do. My friend Yoshi does those medical experiments where they give you drugs and stuff. He gets $10,000 for a week's

worth of work. Talk to Ori. He's looking for people to do experiments on. Do you pay the people that you do experiments on? Ah, you're out of luck. If only you had two resumes, you could have gotten it to them earlier.

So you printed up the resume. Did it make it over there okay? Everything go good after that? I know the HR lady had left already. If you work for Good Luck Charlie, why are you trying to... Because that's a great job, right?

Yeah. So what the – well, why does Chatto Mariamount? Bussy. No, no, no, no. No, I mean I didn't get fired. The show is over. It's done. And I could get another PA job, but I just – it's just 12 hours a day.

I didn't want to go that route, I guess. I have a PA job, but it's just 12 hours a day. I didn't want to go that route, I guess. But you're right, man. It's a lot funnier if he just talks about today going to Kinko's. About his puns and phallic jokes. Right. The type of person where your life has to be where you're just printing up one resume at a time is the magic there. Really is.

Yeah, it really is. It's beautiful. Yeah, a lot of people can relate to that, not the one resume thing. But, you know, hard times and stuff, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. They're going to root for you. And drop that word phallic, man. Yeah.

That shit is still fucking with me. Just say hard-ass dick. No, keep phallic. Keep phallic. Let people think once in a while. Make them Google shit. Or make me think, man. Make me Google in the middle of your comedy show. And pull out my phone and be rude. Fuck it.

All the time. He's not wearing socks either. Is that like a thing that I'm just not doing? I'm too old? I've been on this show before. Yeah? So what does that have to do with not wearing socks? I've done this show once before and I know that when you come back for a second time, no socks on Kill Tony.

It's even on my resume. Which I have here for you right now, but you gotta copy it because I need one. So then what? You had to carry that copy all the way home with you because the HR lady wasn't there. You didn't drop that one resume off. You weren't like walking by the liquor store next to Chateau Marmont

like, I got the one resume. No, I mean I did end up having to throw it away because it dropped. It dropped. That's what happens when you print one piece of paper. The universe will make it fall in that one fucking puddle on the side of a street. This could have been a sad

and funny poignant story all at once. And then finally he realizes all along he could have just emailed her the fucking thing. Right? He's like, shit. It's so true. Hotmail. Paper resume.

Surprised you didn't send it by Game of Thrones Raven or something like that. I don't even know they still do that. Paper resume. You must send a hard copy to me. With your pager number. You're going to make it in Hollywood. You want to work at the Chateau Marmont?

Bring one paper resume. Thanks, Bud. Bud Galloway, everybody. There he is. He's on Twitter. At Bud Galloway, everybody. There he is. He's on Twitter, at Bud Galloway. G-A-L-L-O-W-A-Y. Dude, did you guys start when you used to have to go get headshots printed and shit? You used to do all that?

Yeah. That was such bullshit. Sometimes you still have to do it. But no, it's so great that you just can email. But you used to go there and you'd be like, do I need 200 or 400? How many auditions am I going to get? You're not getting shit.

It was sad. My favorite is having all my friends' old headshots. I saw Joey Diaz's one the other day. It's just hilarious. Every time I get headshots printed, my family always asks for them. They're graduation pictures

of some shit. Then you pick the font and you want to center it. You want the frame around it. It'd be $10 extra. Do they want you to sign it when you send it? Nah, man. They just tell everybody who the fuck that is in that picture when they

come in the house. It's true. The same thing happens to me because my mom will see it first. I will send her the top whatever if I get headshots. And then any time I talk to any other family member on the phone, they go, Yeah, mom told me you got new headshots. So how about you send them over? I'm like, fuck.

And it turns into a regular thing. What does casting do once you give them your headshot and then they don't want you? Do they throw your headshot away? Really? You know what you need to start doing is start giving them wallet sizes and shit so they can at least just put in this.

Brody Stevens uses a 13 by 16 headshot. He has a joke about it. He says that he stands out in a pile. It's the funniest thing. There's actually one hanging up in the manager's office here. It's that tall. And it's stretched out. The proportion's bad.

And it's his face. Just a big picture. It's so funny. Brody Stevens, our good friend. That's got to be like a multi-million dollar industry, just headshots. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. It's all old school stuff, like having a resume on a piece of paper.

Yeah. Headshots. Your next comedian is Jeremy McKeeran. Jeremy McKeeran, everybody. Here he is. All right, thank you. I'm sick of people my age that wear ironic clothing. I find that so confusing.

I was talking to this guy once, and he had a Boston Red Sox hat on, like a big blue B for Boston. That's where I'm from. So I'm talking to him for like five minutes about the Red Sox. All of a sudden, he stops me and he goes, my man, it's just a hat. I'm actually a fan of the Dodgers.

He's like, this motherfucker. I can't believe people get away with this. It just seems so ridiculous. Hats are only really necessary for people that are ashamed that they're balding or lost their sunglasses. It's just a hat.

That's like me wearing a Nazi war helmet with swastikas on it and going, what? It's just a helmet. I'm actually a fan of the Jews. Go Jews! Thank you. Fuck yeah.

Jeremy McKiernan. I like your style, man. Where are you from? I'm from Boston. How long have you been here? About four years in LA. Nice. Where do you mostly go up around?

I've just been doing stand-up for like two or three months. I go up just like all the open mics around flappers. Cool. Yeah, I like that premise a lot. That's really funny because what a douchebag that guy is for committing

it. Yeah, what's good is you have a point of view coming out. Actually, the setup was, I was really into it, and then you lost me for a second, and in the end it was fine again. But the main thing is you had a point of view, and I was hoping that you – because you seemed like you said you hate – like you were sick of it, you said. What did you say?

Yeah, it's just confusing. So I was kind of waiting for you to really lay into that guy right there as opposed to going around for a second. Like, I don't know. I'm not sure what the punchline is with it, but when you said, dude, it's just a hat, you know, I'm a Dodger fan, I thought you know. I'm not sure what the punchline is with it, but when you said, dude, it's just a hat. I'm a Dodger fan. I thought you were going to, like,

have the punchline right there. But it's great. I mean, you got a point of view. If you've been doing it for three months, it's good. Just keep doing it. Cool, thanks. Funny shit. What else?

I don't know. How old are you that there's young people like you wearing ironic? 28. 28? I feel like it's a thing. Kid guys doing their 20s. I used to do that shit.

When's the last time you printed up a paper resume? Oh, God. Do you have a job right now? Have you ever killed a bird? Have you ever killed a bird? Did you ever kill, like, a baby bird when you were a kid? No. My local cat used to bring dead rabbits,

and I took one of the tails of it once. It's creepy. You cut it off? What did you do with the tail? With scissors or something? My landlord gave me the tail of it as good luck, and I kept it for years. Oh, what nationality was your landlord?

Chinese. He was just a drunk white guy. Take the rabbit, Tom. What other ironic clothing situations have you been in? Just the Dodger hat? I'm curious. There's got to be more. People wearing Hanson t-shirts because they think it's silly and fun.

I'm making fun of Hanson by wearing Hanson. Fuck Hanson. I'm going to put it on my chest. I'm waiting for you to be like, no, fuck you for buying that shirt because Hanson gets a royalty asshole or whatever. I don't know. Something.

I'm pissed at the guy too. I don't know. Fucking ironic clothing. He was in Just Get a Dodgers hat. Just Get a Dodgers. Exactly. It's like you're a Dodgers fan.

Where the fuck are the hats? Yeah, it makes no sense. I hate when people wear Kangol hats but they don't be Eddie Griffin. Like, come on, man. What are you doing? I always think of Samuel L. for that. Kangol hats but they don't be Samuel L. Jackson. He has more expensive hats, doesn't he?

Oh, probably now. I've seen him wear some Kangols. Oh, really? He wears Kangols too? Yeah, but he's really been stepping it up lately. He's up to Capital One. He wears Kangol's too? Yeah. But he's really been stepping it up lately. He's up to Capital One on top of 15. He's lost weight. He looks good. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Jeremy. Thank you. Good stuff, man. Fun times. Please come back soon. I will.

He was right about the bald people wearing hats. I mean, that's one of the reasons I wear the hat. But that's kind of like what we have. People that have hair can actually do different hairstyles, hair colors. We got hats. Yeah. Doug Stanhope, Jeff. That's what fucking happened.

That's what never happened. I'm holding myself up. There's no more colors. I'm wearing baseball hats. Doug Stanhope. Powerful Doug. Doug Stanhope, everybody. Doug Stanhope, everyone. Been hanging out watching. So true.

Did it actually happen? Yeah. Come on, man. Tell the truth. Dude, that shit happens all the time. People are wearing ironic shit all the time. Just so you know, Doug has been watching all of you guys for the last hour. And he calls me up screaming and I realize

just sitting in the back of the room screaming. So awesome. That's what hipsters do now. They look unhip because they want to be so hip. That's what's stupid. You know what I'm saying? I've always been anti-hipster. I don't get it. It's crazy to me.

They're all the same thing. It reminds me of the episode of South Park always been anti-hipster. I don't get it. It's crazy to me. They're all the same thing. It reminds me of the episode of South Park where they talk about everybody's conforming into groups and then there's a group that's the non-conforming group. But by becoming a group, they're the most conforming.

That's what hipsters are. South Park has a great episode about it years and years ago. Silver Lake. Who would have thought those guys would get the jump on the... Anyway. One more time for Jeremy McKiernan and Doug Stanhope, everybody. Yeah, baby. Yeah, maybe we should just move on and do that for sure.

Guys, let's move on to the regular part of our show uh where we have our two regulars that uh do a new minute each week we have two young ladies that uh since the show started we've had uh them doing a new minute each week and it's always fun and it's always fun to watch them grow i've been on a real fun streak lately i'm excited to see what happens here tonight i I don't see them anywhere. Are you guys here? Okay. They were servicing the guys in the back.

All right, put your hands together for your first comedian. She is a regular on Dissentary and Kill Tony. Always fun, always taking a little something and turning it into a big deal. The very funny stylings of Sarah Weinshank, everybody. What's up? Hey.

I've been looking up to the moon lately for answers. Just, like, tell me something good girl give me some hope the moon is definitely a her she's definitely feminine as fuck I like to go outside and say oh she's looking good tonight maybe something positive is going to happen

you know that you're fucked when you're looking at the moon for answers. Just trying to connect with the universe or something. Last time I looked at the moon, it looked like a fucking black and white cookie. And I was like, oh, I like that. I can deal with that. It was positive.

I'm done. It just got weird for me. The moon. Moon got weird for me. The moon. Moon jokes. Fuck yeah. Were you doing mushrooms or anything like that? I know. Is this mushroom week?

I'm staring at the moon. I'm lost as fuck. And I'm like, fuck it. Let me just look up to the sky. Damn. Wow. And you only do it at night. Obviously, you're not looking at the sun. It's just the moon. Yeah. And the only do it at night. Obviously, you're not looking at the sun.

It's just the moon. And the stars get involved at all? No, because I can't see them. I can only see the moon. You sound depressed. Yeah. Right? If you're looking at the moon for answers.

Sometimes, yeah. Maybe you should spend more time out during the day. Absorb some sunlight. Get some vitamin D going on. You know what I mean? Get it all rolling. It's not hurting my eyes. The moon glows.

Less moon, more sun. You can wear sunglasses and just don't stare at the sun. I think that's just a lie. That's a witch's tale. Have you tried to stare at the sun? No. Come on. Don't stare at the sun.

Let it peel off a couple eye layers first, and then you're good. Staring at the moon. It was a good premise. I was waiting for you to go somewhere with it. So just think. Talk it out more. Figure it out. Right now you're sounding like a wolf right now.

You know how wolves be. All right, fuck it. That is what a wolf open mic would be like. You ever just stare at the moon and try to figure out what it's all about? Crowd's just going crazy. What's up with howling? Man, raw meat is delicious. Am I right, wolves?

I almost said people. Why would a wolf say people? Am I right, wolves? Why do I got to be with the pack? I want said people. Why would a wolf say people? Am I right, wolves? Why do I got to be with the pack? I want to leave the pack. Wolf felt. What's up with that? Sign wolf. What is the deal with us?

There's no barbers for us. Maybe talk about how it's weird that you're looking at the moon for answers and how it first started off that you were looking at grass or something like that, how you got to the moon. Just the idea of you, how did it start? One day you just started looking at the moon. Did you have a moon-faced therapist? No, I was just like, sometimes you're like,

well, I don't believe in religion. Maybe the moon will tell me something. I don't know. Did you expect it to talk? Have you ever been staring at the moon and looking out your kitchen window, staring out on a dark night at the moon and

you realize that you're in a commercial for a prescription depression medication? There you go. Nice. That's what I picture when I think of what you're saying when you're joking about it.

That's the picture that I thought was painted. You just keep talking about staring at the moon. And it sounds like you're not even outside staring at the moon. I wonder what happens if you're down and you're looking for answers for the moon and then suddenly there's a lunar eclipse and you're like, fuck, even the moon. I wonder what happens if you're down and you're looking for answers for the moon and then suddenly there's a lunar eclipse and you're like, fuck!

Even the moon. Or clouds. You just got cock-blocked by the galaxy. When it's a crescent shape and looks like a fingernail, it's really depressing. It's like a sliver of hope. Which brings me to my next question. Brian Kelly, have you ever seen the moon when it looks like

a fingernail and gotten hungry? We had a nail biter on earlier. Anyway. Oh, there you go. There he is. He's still up there. He didn't want to talk with his mouth full. He had a thumb with a cancasse sauce

with spinach and olive oil. I've said it every wrong way. Fuck yeah. How long has this moon thing been happening? It's a recent thing. It's like a three-week moon thing that I'm doing. You know the moon hasn't even been out for the last three weeks. No, it's actually super weeks. No, I'm kidding.

It's actually a super moon. No, I know. How long does it last, though? How long is it out for? The super moon? Thank you. Are you sure you're not looking at a street light or something that's outside of your place?

No, I know the moon when I see the fucking moon. The last three weeks straight, you've been looking at the same moon? You were saying that they come up every week with a minute, right? Yeah. So were you sitting there going like, I need to come up with some material, and then you said, let me look at the moon? Or were you looking at the moon and were like, I should talk about this on stage?

I was looking at the moon, and I was calling her a her to my roommate. That's right. And I was like, she looks great tonight. What did your roommate say? And that's how I thought of it. My roommate's like, yeah, she does. And then we were just talking about how the moon is feminine as fuck. Why?

I don't know. She's just like moody. There you go. You got to kind of go in that world. Have you been mixing prescription medicines? That was like sober shit? Yeah, I just was looking at the moon. But if you had something about the moon and why it's a woman,

then maybe there's something there. Like you said, if it's moody because it changes every day. Yeah, I just didn't know where I wanted to go with it. That's what's up. Well, and my roommate's a little spacey. She's super into crystals and shit and charges them under they. Like, she's super into, like, crystals and shit and, like, charges them under the moon. Why else would it be a her?

I get the moody part, but you guys said that you talked about it being a feminine thing and that that's where it started. So what was the part where it clicked to be material? Where did it click? I'm just trying to think of what you were thinking when you originally started. Just thinking about, like, originally started it's definitely a her

why? I think we all grew up that it was a guy the man in the moon and I think that's where something might be but you'd have to have some reasoning that's so true it does have a masculine face what if you were to say

but if you were to take maybe the sun and be like the sun's the guy because it's like, ah. Right. You know, always just heat and fucking sweaty and ah, and here I am. Fucking look at me. And then the moon's like, hello, and comes up at night

and wants to party and then just like, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe your mom. That's true. Maybe there is something like that. Like the sun is this effective thing that gives us vitamins that we need and makes you happy. Then the moon comes out and it's like it's drunk old buddy that just comes out at night. Sometimes just half awake like, what's up? What are we doing? And pulls on your moods.

I'm not in the mood tonight. I'm just going to go crash. Yeah. I'm not in the mood tonight. I'm just going to go crash. Yeah. And then you got to talk. And then the poor son every day, come on, man. And finally, after a week, he's like, fine, I'll just go half, half, half tonight.

Yeah. I don't know. All right. Now we're just bagging on women. It's perfect. Well, that was your point of view, but. I think you have at least a few new different angles on it. Or your mom's a lesbian meteorologist or something. Debbie?

No. No? Is that your mom's name, Debbie? Debbie. Deb. Deb Weinshank. Deb Weinshank. With Steve Weinshank.

Wow. Debbie and Steve. That sounds like some kind of sitcom. Debbie and Steve and Encino. Does your mom have a moon face? What the fuck? No, my mom has a face of an angel. Sarah Wine Shank, everybody.

We're going to close with you complimenting your mom. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank. Put your hands together for your other regular, the college dropout from Florida. Put your hands together for her. It's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Don't start the clock. Fuck yeah. Hey.

Hi, guys. What's going on? How are you doing? Give it up if you know about the ALS Challenge on Facebook with the ice. Okay. So we've all seen it, and I know we've all, like, heard about it. And I think that it's a really great thing. I read that they raised $4 million for the charity, which is really great.

A lot of awareness. A lot of people know what it is now. I think that we should also focus on raising awareness in other places now. You know? Like, I can't even look at what's going on in Gaza. Like, I can't even see it. Could you imagine if we all got together and we raised enough to pay my cable bill? Ha, ha, ha.

I feel like this set would go a lot better. pay my cable bill. I feel like this set would go a lot better. I would know what to talk about. Fuck yeah. You had 45 seconds of setup for that. Yeah, I was like, get to it faster. It was good at the end. I thought it was, I actually, because for a second I thought, I was like, get to it faster. It was good at the end.

I thought it was... For a second, I thought, oh, she's going to use the minute to go emotional because she was very convincing about her emotionality. And then it was a cable bill. Fuck yeah. Yeah, funny. It was a punchline. It was good. Yeah.

What do you think about this Ice Bucket Challenge stuff, Kim? It was a punchline. It was good. Yeah. Thanks. Yeah. What do you think about this ice bucket challenge stuff, Kim? I think that, well, I just think that the people complaining about wasting water are just such fucking cunts. Like, shut the fuck up. It's a cooler full of water. He's saying that. When people, like, rinse off the bars at the end of the comedy store, you use more water. You know what I'm saying? It's nothing, and they've raised so much money. Wait, under the comments?

A lot of people are really upset in social media that they're wasting water and wearing it out. And that there's no clean water in other places of the world. It's like, worry about something else, or die. So now they're putting buckets of hay over themselves to raise awareness of the water shortage. That's really... Yeah, man.

I know this website trolled a lot of people saying that there was this article that looked like a real article saying that people were getting fined $500 each, and over 500 people have been fined in California because of it. It was just a completely troll. Everyone's like, why not just donate? And it's like, well, the point is it's raising awareness. It's working, obviously. There's no water drought. There's an ocean full of that shit.

You can't kill water. Just purify that bitch. Let's drink. We just need to turn one state into a giant Brita water filter. Florida. And just let the... Florida's the nozzle. There you go.

That's so true. That'd be great if we just turned Florida into a water purification system for the rest of the country. I don't think you'd want that water. Probably not, right? You're from Florida. Yeah. Did you ever see an alligator or crocodile

when you were a kid? I almost died. I almost got eaten by one. What was his name? Kim, thank you so much. That's the great Kimberly Congdon. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Always fun.

Stuart, what are you on Twitter? At Stuart B. Thompson. At Stuart with a U. Correct. Not a W. Correct. Really, really funny Young Rising comic. Thank you so much for being the patriot tonight, Stuart.

Great job. Glad to be here. Fantastic. Anything else you want to plug? You got any dates coming up or anything? I got a couple this week. I'm going to be right in this room tomorrow night doing the roast battle

against Rich Slate. The roast battle happens every Tuesday here at midnight with our friends Brian Moses' role battle. And Jamar Neighbors is part of that. He's the head of the Black Wave. A team that represents the black movement

of some kind. It's really funny. We're like the black movement of some kind. Yeah. It's really funny. We're like the energy of the roast battle. The eye of the hurricane. Jamar Neighbors is Jamar Neighbors on Twitter. You got anything coming up? Anywhere you want listeners to go to?

Yeah, I'll be here on Tuesday and Saturday in OR, 1230. You got a website or anything? No. Instagram? No. Instagram? Yes. Jamar Neighbors. Boom. Everything.

Oh, I'm Vine Famous, too. Vine Famous. What's your name on that? Jamar Neighbors. Jamar Neighbors. Follow me on Vine. I love that. You got your name for everything.

Maz Jabrani. Thanks for having me, man. That was fun. So much fun. I love your stories and so much fun, goofy input from both of you. I had a blast. You're Maz Gibrani on Twitter, spelled just like that. M-A-Z-J-O-B-R-A-N-I.

That's it. And anything else? You going anywhere crazy coming up? Touring, just nationally for now. Awesome. Boston, other places. You can go to the website and find it. Perfect. Catch us in Phoenix

and Columbus. That's the 16th of October in Columbus and the 23rd in Phoenix. And some other stuff might be coming up as well. Live audience, thank you guys so much. You guys were awesome. I had a lot of fun with you. That's Kill Tony 66. Thank you. Good night.

Good night. We'll see you next time.