KILL TONY - KILL TONY #68

Episode Date: October 14, 2014

Doug Benson, Jesse Joyce, Jeff Richards, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Willie Hunter, Brian Redban – Date: 09/01/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Check out DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates, and there you'll see that the Death Squad Midwest Tour is this week. That's right, October 15th, we're going to be in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Me, Tiffany Haddish, and Dean Del Rey. We're going to be at Dr. Grin's. It's going to be a great show. It starts at 8 o'clock. And then the following day, October 16th we are going down to columbus ohio we have two shows at the columbus funny bone the first show starts at 7 p.m and it's a podcast where you can sign up if you want to try to do comedy bring your best three minutes of all the comics that get to go up we are going to choose

our favorite three and then those three are going to battle it out at the end of the show. And if you win, you get to open up for us at the 9 o'clock show. That's right, 9 o'clock we're having a Death Squad comedy show. Again, Dean Deloray, Tiffany Haddish, and whoever wins the 7 o'clock Death Squad draft podcast. the 7 o'clock Death Squad draft podcast. And then the following day, October 7th, we are going to Indiana at Morty's Comedy Joint. This is a late show, so if you work, don't worry.

It's at 11.45 p.m. Shit, that's late. But so what? Let's try it out. So make it out to Morty's Comedy Joint in Indianapolis. And then me and Tony Hinchcliffe are going to Phoenix, Arizona in October 23rd, and we're returning to stand-up live. And then San Francisco, Sacramento, October 28th and 29th. All these dates can be found at DeathSquad.tv. Just click on tour dates for all the information.

And if you go to DeathSquad.tv right now, you can see commercials for all the Midwest shows that explain the Death Squad draft a little bit better and stuff like that. Also, please help us out if you can. The only way I can pay for everything is if you buy some merchandise. So go to ShopSquad.tv. Right now, there's a lot of items that are on sale and a lot of items that are almost sold out. So if you've been dragging your feet, now's the time. Go to ShopSquad.tv. And if you want some Tony Hinchcliffe merchandise or if you want to see some other shows Tony's doing,

you can always go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony! Let's go!

Oh, yeah, baby. We did it again. Here we are. Happy Monday, everybody. How are you guys? You ready for an exciting show? I have two of my funniest friends here to be guests on tonight. Okay, very good. Fuck yeah, this is fun. It's always fun waking everybody up on a Monday evening, you know, after everybody gets good and high and excited and nervous. Welcome, everyone. Glad you guys are here. and nervous.

Welcome, everyone. Glad you guys are here. It's another beautiful Monday. We had a fun weekend, right? I was in Sacramento. Got to see some UFC. Do some fun shows with Joe Rogan. Sacramento is always fun. A lot of Kill Tony fans there.

A lot of people giving suggestions and things. That's cool. You guys did a comedy show there also? Yeah. That's awesome. I love did a comedy show there also? Yeah. That's awesome. I love Sacramento. Yeah, at our very, where we've had fun before at the...

Punchline. Yeah. Yeah. And we're coming to our, Kill Tony's going on the road, people, for you audio listeners. If you live in Columbus,

guess what? We're coming home October 8th. 16th. Yep. October 16th, we're doing a Kill Tony and it's going to be followed

by a comedy show right after which is the Cat Pack we're coming with Tiffany Haddish who might have some surprises

super big surprises perhaps yeah on top of the already exciting fun that we're going to be bringing following week

we're going to be in Phoenix Arizona at Stand Up Live awesome that's right that's the 29th 23rd no the 23rd so the 16th and the 23 That's the 29th. 23rd. Oh, the 23rd. So the 16th

and the 23rd. 16th in Columbus and 23rd in Phoenix. So if anybody here wants to go see us in either one of those cities, if you guys want to go to Columbus or Phoenix, you might want to go buy an airplane ticket now. Or you could just keep coming and seeing us every Monday.

Another fun packed crowd. I'm very excited you guys are here. And by packed, I mean there's seven empty seats over there, but I'm ignoring that section. We had delicious food made for us tonight by our favorite and only sponsor sitting right over there, everybody. It's the lovely Elise Lane.

Tonight she made some amazing food. Little Labor Day barbecue, people. Chipotle barbecue tofu and chicken. Pastilla chile and andouille. Am I saying that right? Those two L's are silent. Andouille shells. Those two

L's aren't silent. And cheese. Red potato salad with dill. Watermelon and arugula salad with feta salata and balsamic reduction and grilled street corn with chipotle mayo and cotija and cilantro. I just enunciated all of that correctly.

She just appeared on Dining with Doug and Karen episodes 37 and 39, so check out that podcast. That's a great podcast. Doug really figured it out. He's like, hey, I want to do a podcast where I get to eat and all my friends get to eat. Everybody loves food. Doug has busted the podcast

world wide open by making podcasts of things that he loves to do. Getting Doug with high and Doug and Karen. Dining with Doug and who doesn't want to eat? And his masturbation podcast. That's what's next. It's got to be next. Dugging off with jerk.

That's actually a great idea for a podcast. We could be in two separate rooms, maybe FaceTiming, and then we try to podcast while masturbating. Guys, we have a fun show ahead of us tonight. I'm really excited about it. We have a little special treat for you guys. You guys like special treats? Well, we normally don't do anything like this,

but I have one of my funniest friends in the world who lately has been taking over the music comedy world. You know him from Saturday Night Live and Mad TV. His current album, The Shingles 2009 to 2014

is out right now. It's available everywhere. Put your hands together for tonight's musical guest doing his new song, never heard before, not on that new album called Help Me. It's debut right here. Put your hands together for the great Jeff Richards, everybody. Oh, shit.

Jeff Richards, Josh Martin. Yes. Jeff Richards! Richards Josh Martin Yes Jeff Richard Queen of the ground, come and crush Queen of the ground, queen of the ground Queen of the ground, come and crush Such a pretty face, in such a shitty place I took a double take, then I looked away When I look back, she attacks

She gets a girl out of my head and she's back. Help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me. No I'm not dead, I'm not dead I'm not dead Despite this hell in my head I'm not dead I'm alive Just like you Full flavor Bursting through

I'm too bad I'm too bad I did it wrong I did it wrong But I'm glad Hip-hop-er-ay What a shit Thank you

There he is, the great Jeff Richards Very Rick Ross-like With a brand new song, so new it didn't seem like it was actually finished You gotta love that Nothing more fun than bringing some experimental fun stuff to Kill Tony as always so let's keep it moving along guys

you know where you're at, you're at Kill Tony that means that there's always a head of security here to keep us safe keep an eye on us, make sure nothing gets too crazy you might remember the original Patriot from episodes 1 through 30 something and then he quit because he said he got too big for the show that he was so irreplaceable

we weren't going to be able to move on without him to show him how replaceable he is we've had a new person do his job every week since then and it's actually gotten smoother than with the original guy tonight's Patriot is a return Patriot one of my favorites, it is Iron

Willie Hunter, ladies and gentlemen. There he comes. A lot of people call him the Barack Letterman of comedy, or the David Obama. What's up, Willie Hunter? How are you, bud? I'm pretty good. Yesterday was your birthday, correct? Happy birthday. Did you have an age to bet thank you did you Jeff any trouble waking up today? Were you a little bit hungover?

I was still drunk. You were still drunk? Yeah. That's sort of fun, right? No, it isn't. Oh. Yeah, I don't know. Because you wake up, you're still drunk, and then you sober up, so you have an elite hangover. Oh.

That's the worst. Yikes. I normally just keep sleeping until I'm not drunk anymore. That guy just clapped at that. I like that. Real alcoholic back there. Fuck yeah, he gets it. Well, awesome. Willie Hunter, you've been running your own show, which is really cool. Willie's sort of like a true old school type of late night host. Your mentors are Letterman and Carson and that whole realm. And he's been doing

a regular show where you interview some of your favorite comedians. Sarah Silverman, Bill Burr. And you're doing that, what, tonight? It's tonight in the main area at 11 p.m. And Brent Morin. Wow. So from NBC's Undateable,

Brent Morin and the newest HBO special. And more music from Jeff Richards. Wow. Look at that. Jeff Richards working out. Maybe he'll have an end to that song by 11 o'clock. You never know.

One would hope. Well, thanks for being here, Willie. This is what, your third or fourth time being the Patriot? I think it's my fourth. I love it. You texted me today. You said, hey, I want to do it.

And you said something. You have a new motto now that you're 28. What is it? Bear to the exhaustion. There you go. Willie's learning work ethic, everybody. 28. Just hit him at 28.

I'm going to start working until I'm tired. And this is the work that you do, by the way. That's what's funny. You're like, hey, I want to be the patriot. I have a new motto. I'm working all the time. Let me dress up like an eight-year-old for an hour and have fun and laugh with funny people.

Well, it's good to see that you're working till exhaustion over there, Willie. Let's bring up our guests, guys, shall we? Two of the funniest people that I've ever had on this show. They're both return guests. I've worked with them many a times, either doing stand-up or in the writer's room. Comedy Central roast writer Jesse

Joyce and Getting Doug with High Doug Benson, everybody! Jesse Joyce, my big brother in roasting. Doug Benson, my friend, stoner buddy. We always get high. I got too high on getting dug with high. I just started off with a giant bong rip, and I never fully recovered.

That's why we don't have a sword on set. Yes. Getting dug with high, because we don't want any violence of any kind. Mostly we just want people nodding off in their seats. Because we do get really high. I just saw the

Doug Stanhope episode. That was really great. But it was weird. It was like 8 in the morning or something. It wasn't your regular time. It was a wake and bake episode. And I was under the impression

Doug was just going to drink. So we even changed the title for that episode to Getting Doug with Drunk. And I had Guinness the whole time, and he had whatever crazy morning cocktail he has. But then he started smoking. He got into the spirit of it.

And then also, I've had a few people that kind of come in, like, I don't really smoke. It's not for me. I haven't done it in a long time and they smoke today's weed and the kind that's probably best for them sativa rather than indica and then they're like oh I like this weed smoking

like I've gotten some people kind of into it a little bit after they just did it on the show just as sort of a lark you know just like oh I'll just try it just for the hell of it you make them feel good and safe, so then they go home and they smoke by themselves and freak the fuck out.

Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. Then they're fat in a forest, naked. Do you find it hard finding guests constantly on that show, Doug? Are you running out of people that would smoke on camera? It's not as much running out as it's just that the big ones that you would want

aren't interested for various reasons. And so it's hard to keep everybody happy with the, you know, trying to get, like, people want the biggest names and the people that are most obvious. It's like, of course Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg and people like that would come on a show like this with no problem but turns out they're extremely busy and in Snoop's

case he has his own show that's pretty much the same thing so there's kind of a standoff there like I think I have to go on his show first I don't know I don't know what's going to happen the great Jesse Joyce you're back yes Jesse Joyce everybody I am.

Yeah, thanks. Legend in my favorite world of roasting. It's nice of you. As a recovering alcoholic, I, too, am going to be starting a podcast called Relapse with Jesse. Just every week you get into it again? Yeah, we're just going to go to a barn and get a 40. That's so funny. You must have started drinking young.

You seemed kind of young to be... I did. I quit at 26. Shit. Because I was a monster. That's when I was just getting going. Willie, you have any questions for our guests tonight? Yes, I have one for Jesse.

You write a lot of those jokes for people. Do you get pissed off if someone messes up your joke? I get infuriated when people mess up my jokes. Oh, my God. Larry King was the fucking worst. Really? That fucking animal would go up. He didn't want to be mean.

He refused to be mean. And all he wanted to do was old man fucking golf jokes. You know, like joke jokes. You know, like a guy walks into a dentist office. We had to go like, I don't think you understand how this roast thing works, Larry. And then he would just like, would just phone in our fucking, yeah, it was

infuriating. I thought he was so funny. Which was Trump, right? Yo, Donald Trump is the other one who's the biggest piece of shit I've ever worked with. That fucking guy. He's the worst. He would, he didn't contribute anything positive to the roast. He would, he didn't contribute anything positive to the roast. He would just,

like we'd send him a page of jokes and he would send it back like redacted, like a real estate contract. You know, it was just like all black. You know what I mean?

And then the only thing he contributed one time was like, we had this joke that was like, I think it was like, what's the difference between Donald Trump's head

and a wet raccoon? A wet raccoon doesn't have three billion dollars. Whatever, that's the joke. And he's head and a wet raccoon a wet raccoon doesn't have three billion dollars whatever that's the joke and he crossed out three and put in seven you know what I mean

like he jacked up the numbers seven so it's like he needed people to know you know and it's like all you did is add a syllable dipshit

you know like you didn't contribute and then there was another joke it was something about how he lives in a 25,000 square foot marble penthouse space station that orbits the earth whatever he crossed that out and put 50 000 like he needed

people to know that his fictitious space station was bigger that's how much of a piece of shit that guy is anyway so yeah numbers are funny great question guy knows funny numbers when he sees them seven's a funnier number than three. Patriot, you have a question for our friend Doug Benson? You don't have to have a question. Well, I do. Okay. I'm going to ask you, and this is a serious question here.

Oh, shit. How long has your garner been out being high? Too long. Well, my first 28 years Pretty much Yeah, I didn't start until I was 28 And then since then I guess the longest break was the 30 days

For super high me when I didn't smoke For 30 days And, yeah Now if I want to get a really good high I'll wait a while Between,, like maybe a few hours. You know, like 15 minutes go by. When I finally get around to hitting this joint, it's going to be a great high. Yeah, you have to reset yourself once in a while, I would imagine,

because it seems like it just starts losing potency if you smoke. Well, that's the great thing about so many different strains and so many different delivery systems. I love these pills that I get from the dispensary I go to, but if I took them every day, I'd get used to them. So they're like special occasion pills or like long flight pills. It is crazy how different kinds of pot can totally fuck you up

because sometimes I'll go home and hang out with my buddies once every couple of years in Youngstown. And the pot in Youngstown, Ohio, where I'm from, is so bad that it literally has its own name. It's Youngstown Brown. Because it's such terrible pot.

Because it's rusty? Brown, yeah. Can you imagine? No, yeah, it's just dirty. It looks like dirt. However, when you smoke it, you get fucked up. And it blows my mind that even that kind of pot, because it's not necessarily what they would call Mexican weed.

It's just really shitty Northeast Ohio weed. But it works. It works very well, which always shocks me. I'm always shocked now that any town would have shitty weed because anybody with a closet can put together all the stuff they need to grow and cultivate awesome weed. Well, a lot of my friends that still live in Youngstown live with their parents, so they literally don't have a closet that they can grow in.

So it sucks. They're making babies. Who says, where are they going to jerk off with a belt around their neck? I know who filled the closet with plants. You didn't think that's true. I thought you usually do that from like the ceiling fan or whatever. I didn't know you went into the closet for that.

Oh, I guess, yeah, they are in the closet. They hang themselves. I get it now. All right, that was a dark conversation. But you know, sometimes you gotta plan for things. Well, let's come out of the closet and start the show, guys. Into the fire.

You guys have both been on this show. We always have fun. We had a lot of comedians sign up for the opportunity to get one minute on this stage to chat with us. You guys know how it works. You get one minute, you know your minute's up, and you hear that sound of a kitty. Meow, meow.

Adorable. You better wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Oh, that's hot. It's like a bear that's working in a Foley studio or something. Microphone. Can we get a little bit more from you on this next take, bear? He's holding two coconuts.

Bear, we really liked that last one, but can you give it a little bit more bass? All right, I'll try. Thank you, bear. Take five. The podcast listeners hate it when things get loud. It's right inside their ears. At Tony Hinchcliffe, just wanted to let you know

I'm not listening to the next two episodes because I had to pull out my earbuds for the bear. He's punishing you by not listening. The other nice thing as far as the audio is concerned for the podcast listeners is that the guy talking through a fucking drive-thru window vending machine speaker does not

have the microphone anywhere near his mouth. How do we hear him on the podcast? We're not going to. He's mic'd up. There's a mic pointed right at his dick. Right. Oh, that's your speaker?

The speaker's right on his dick, yeah. Oh. He's got a dictaphone. Forgive me. You figured this out. I didn't realize. A dictaphone is funny. Sorry.

That was hilarious. Well, let's get into it, guys. Your first comedian doing 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Alex Duong. What's up, guys? I want to be a better person consistently, but I feel like after years of being sheltered, there's like this little Asian rapper that's manifesting himself inside of me. He does like really fucked up things.

And I've gotten to know him really well. His name is Lil' Jame. And I'll be sitting at home trying to have a sophisticated night. And I'm like reading the Huffington Post. And he's like, yo, Shag, we need to get some butt sluts tonight. And I'm like, no! I need the Huffington Post And he's like, yo, Shag, man, we need to get some butt sluts tonight And I'm like, no, I need to know what's going on in Syria He's like, man, you little bitch But then like, because last time I let him out I ended up in a back alley smoking a clove cigarette and fucking this fat chick

And I'm like, what? And she ended up falling on me And I'm a skinny guy and she was like this thick girl And I felt like James Franco in 127 hours like ah help help ah where's that fucking knife I don't want the bear fuck yeah that's 56 seconds

you can stop there did you really hook up with the fat chick yes I like it's an ego stroke it's Yes, it's an eagle stroke. It's a what? It's an eagle stroke. Eagle stroke? Yeah.

I thought you were using a golf term, eagle stroke. Yeah. I thought he said it was an eagle's joke, like the band from the 80s. Eagles love my shit, man. You have braces. I do, that's probably why words get caught in there. Okay. Yeah, you got to get those words out in comedy.

It's pretty crouche. Dentists, the real enemies of comedy. How long have you had the braces for? Actually, like a year and a half. I get them off in about a month. I'm going to get off in a few hours. I don't know what that means. I'd say I would get away from, you know,

just for advice for future performances, I wouldn't use the expression fat chicks. I wouldn't bring that up, because, you know, there's ladies present, and they're offended by that sort of thing. I love it, on the other hand. But, yeah, you know, that's a small thing. I mean, I don't know about the...

Overall, I was just sort of, you know, I know a minute's a short period of time, but I was just sort of lost you know, I know a minute's a short period of time, but I was just sort of lost by it. It's sort of, there's a lot going on in that one minute. It seemed like a Vine video that you were talking about or something. Like, you said you had a fat, what was it, a tumor or something, or a guy that's inside of you? No, like, I had like a chick on me that was... Do the whole minute again.

Yeah. So anyway. At the beginning, didn't you say there was like a side of you that... What were you talking about? A manifestation inside of me. An alter ego. An alter ego, basically.

Is that your writer up there? Whoever he is, he's got a Burt Kreischer costume on. That's what I pay him for. Fuck yeah. What do you got, Tony, for this gentleman? Well, you know, I was really excited to hear... You had me excited to hear what the end of that fat chick falling on you thing was going to be.

And there's just something about a movie reference. You know, 127 Hours came out a lot of, a long time ago. More than 127 hours ago. Definitely. But I don't mind it if it had just been, you know, it's just something about, like, you know, it's at the expense of a fat

lady that you have to get trapped and have to cut your arm off. You know, so that's where it sort of lost me. But I mean, I have references to movies that are 40 years old because as long as everybody knows the reference, you can still get away with that sort of thing.

Maybe you were looking for a pocket knife but you didn't have one. Luckily, the fat chick had a butcher knife because she carves turkeys. I don't know guys. Guys, everybody realize. Even Tony doesn't take my advice. He keeps saying fat chick over and over again. Now here's what you want to do with the fat chick.

I have an alternative one where I say, like, I walk up next to a music video chick and they're, like, thick. You know, the music video girls, like Nicki Minaj guys. They're thick. Big ass. I don't think anyone would argue that Nicki Minaj doesn't're thick. Big ass. I don't think anyone

would argue that Nicki Minaj doesn't have a big ass. I mean, she does, right? Yeah, definitely. That's sort of her thing. Yeah. I don't know if you'd have to cut your arm off because her ass is so fat. Not her ass, no. No. See, now we're just getting into, like,

I don't think you're going to find the right ass to arm cutting off equation to make this thing work. Did the fat chick really fall on you? No, since it was a minute, I had to revise it down. What happened with this girl? Tell us what actually happened. Tell us the real story without trying to make it funny. How'd you meet her?

It was at a club, and I had too many, like, scotch and PBR. That's a weird drink. Scotch and PBR, you might as well just order a fat chip. That's episode 9 of Relapse with Jesse. Each episode's a different alcohol. After that, we're at a cha-cha lounge in Silver Lake. Next thing you know, I out your ace pickup line smoking a clove those clothes really bring out your game. Eagle's food. Fuck yeah, something like that.

Want to get your pubes stuck in my braces? That would have been a good line. Oh, shit. All that good stuff. So then you said that. Was that really about what you said? Yeah. And then what happens next? I woke up at her place and she was like cuddling on me.

And I was like, fuck, this is a lot. In a good way. How did it make you feel? What did you like about it? About that. About the hefty female. I was able to make her come. All right. There you go. That guy able to make her come. Alright.

There you go. That guy's never made anybody come, obviously. Well, alright. Mission accomplished. Yeah. That's a lot of space to cover. So I was like, okay, let's do this. A lot of space to cover, but you really only need to

focus on the vagina. I tend to be an all-around customer service type deal. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got those fat ankles. Give them a little action. Work those elbows. The more I'm hearing about this story, the less important I think the clove cigarette is to the story.

I don't know why the fuck you wasted three seconds think the clove cigarette is to the story. I don't know why the fuck you wasted three seconds with the clove. Yeah, I'd change that part to crack. Then it'll all make a little bit more sense. Fun times, Alex Duong. Thank you so much. Thanks, dude.

He's on Twitter at Dapper Duong. D-W-O-N-G? D-U-O-N-G. D-A-P-P-E Dapper Duong. D-W-O-N-G? D-U-O-N-G. D-A-P-P-E-R Duong. D-U-O-N-G. Fuck yeah. That was a nice start. Yeah.

We were really off to the braces. How many... See what you did? See, that would have worked better had I said it if he was up there with his braces. It's one of those visual ones. I don't know. I thought it still sounded like racist when you said braces. So I don't think everybody got it.

This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Arona Lopez. Arona Lopez. Oh, shit. You know what that means? I don't see anybody coming, which means Arona Lopez just got blacklisted. Hit it, Willie.

There you go. You nailed it. Well, that's one area where Comedy Patriot was a little better. At least he was better at something. But you're better at staying quiet when it's time to be quiet. Yes. Good job. The most important thing.

Up your hands together for Zach Kirby, everybody. From deep in the back. Zach Kirby, everyone. Here he is, live in the flush. Still walking. Fuck yeah. He's got his phone.

He's got some notes. Holy shit. We're also recording this for you, by the way. Check, check. Just did a mic check. This guy's on it. Have you ever thought about what your face looks like when you're in the middle of taking a giant poop?

Like when you're equidistant between a prodigious, Herculean, monstrous turd? Halfway between freeing the sphincter from an immense, brobding Nagyian, gargantuan, whale of a log. Epi! Do you comprehend the scenario? Do you get the picture? Do you edge the sketch? Do you pick up what I'm putting down? Is there kinesthesia to the representation of I guess the essence of that healing of form is complete

poetry, alright I see you went with poetry interesting maneuver he's got a lot of stuff like that written down in that book but then you put your notes on the stool you didn't have a chance to look at them because it was only a minute

but that was some good shit you put your notes on the stool, you didn't have a chance to look at them because it was only a minute. But that was some good shit. I brought the notes in case I forgot my lines. I forgot your lines. It happens, but also it sounds like

I think your first problem is being too memorized and also like too it almost was poetry about shitting. And you need to do more like jokes about shitting rather than Lewis Carroll's take on shitting.

You should go with... Have you ever wondered what your face looks like? Have you ever had a scatty-hoozle out of your poople schwoozle? Kind of Dr. Seuss, I guess. Roses are red and

poopy is brown. I don't know. I said poopy is brown. Look what you did to me. If you want the good shit in Ohio, get the downtown. You strike me as a man

who has a thesaurus next to his toilet. Thank thesaurus.com for that. Yeah, that's what I figured. You don't actually own those words, right? They're not part of your actual vernacular. Am I correct? Do you actually use brobdingnagian in conversation? No, I learned that word from that website.

It's pretty obvious that you did. I liked it. Right, it's great. Do you know where it comes from? I do not. It's from Gulliver's Travels. There was the land of Lilliput, which is where the Lilliputians were from, and then there's the land of Brobdingnag, which is where the Brobdingnagians are from.

And they were giants. Hence the name. Right? Anyway, the point is, if you don't know the word, you motherfucker. I'm trying to explain something here. You can't just fucking copy and paste words out of a thesaurus and just put them in a giant string in your fucking dumb Star Wars notebook. You can't just write down a bunch of shit that you saw in the thesaurus.

You have to fucking know the word. That's right. That's my point. Yes. Don't you fucking cricket me or whatever that is. No, no, no. That was the bird giving you a high five. Oh.

I don't know. Well, I'll tell you what. I know a lot about Gulliver's Travels, but not a lot about animals. Birds agree with Jesse and his point about... There's the angry West Hollywood bear and there's the bird of truth. Would somebody explain what your

silly noises are before I flip out at you next time? It's the bird of truth. Alright, fine. Be careful because we also have the frog of disappointment. That could come out at any point.

That doesn't sound like a frog. Or disappointed for that matter. Sounds like neither. Just neither. Exactly what you were saying though. That's not how you talk. When you're on stage you're almost hypnotizing the audience to try to get them to be on the same boat as you.

That was uncomfortable to watch. It felt like you were doing poetry or a play. And like what you said, you forgot your lines. That's not stand-up comedy. You do it just in nerves. I tell you what, I love word choices with comedy. Like, Patton Oswalt's amazing at the words that he uses, but he actually

knows those words. You know what I'm saying? That's the difference. Sometimes he doesn't. But, uh... And it's also important that, I mean, you're taking really smart words and you're trying to make a shit joke out of it that everything that has already been talked about

about pooping, I promise so unless you really really delve into it something other than I don't even think you really talked about the face that you made after that, you start off about the face that seems like where you're going but I didn't hear anything more about the face. It's just a minute that I insert into a longer bit.

What's that longer bit about? I actually told that bit on my first time when I was on that show. It's part of a bigger shit bit. 64 episode, I believe. Am I supposed to remember that minute or something? Oh, the minute where you talked about what your hand does

when you poop. I don't know. Zach Kirby. What else? You guys have anything else for Zach? I like your... I think, you know, I thought that he was, you know, he certainly was using some smart words and it wasn't just a silly, it wasn't just a dumb shit joke, but it also, like

you were saying, didn't seem to have much of a point, but then he said it's part of a bigger thing. I'm guessing the punchlines are in the other parts. I guess so. I say, you know, play around with it, see where it goes, but it is a tricky area, especially when you're a new young comic.

Like, when you have something to prove and you get up there and you start talking about shitting, people are going to be like, oh, boy. You know, like, it's hard for people to just jump on board with that. You've got to be at it for a while before shit jokes are going to be embraced. Yeah.

Right? And even then, who does them anymore? Right. I am very poop heavy on mine. That's right. Don't you have a whole bit about how you want to poop in a dolphin's mouth? No, I poop inside of a mouth of a dolphin. Brian's quickly becoming the poop comedian.

Really? You have lots of poop jokes there? I'm very poop heavy. Poop has become Red Band's watermelon. Alright, well, I wish I had better advice. Do you have anything, Jesse? Sorry for getting my lines, by the way. Why do you close your eyes so hard? Well, don't apologize for that.

I mean, that's part of being a stand-up is like you got to just fucking get up there and do something and make them laugh and apologizing usually is not hilarious. Yeah, definitely not. You know, just do your thing, man. Don't apologize to us. Just keep working on it.

Yeah. There you go. Zach Burby. Thanks. Yeah. There you go. Zach Kirby. Sometimes it's a little bit more depressing than other times, guys. Depressing? Sometimes it just gets a little weird, you know? When a kid apologizes, closing

his eyes, I'm really sorry, guys. It makes it weird. I felt it. Maybe he shouldn't have disappointed us. Oh, shit. Can we get him back here and tell him not to disappoint us ever again? I can see he already hung himself in the green. Let's see if I'm here.

But at least he did something, Robin Williams. Like, well, he was anything. I was not going to attach his name to all the hanging talk and then you had to go and do it hey let's kill Tony I mean what'd you think of when that guy Tony killed that guy in the racetrack I thought it was good promotion the words

I thought you might have to change the title. The words Tony and Kill were trending. Yeah, they were. I mean, not in the proper order. It was, you know, Tony Stewart kills driver. You might have garnished an extra NASCAR fan or two, but then you lost them at Brompton Nagy. Right, yes, definitely. I also lost them when I brought out a Black Iron Patriot.

NASCAR fans don't like Willie's type too much. Willie's black? Holy shit. I had no idea. I thought it was a white dude with a fro. Yeah. Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Ian Ellis, everybody.

Ian Ellis. Deep in the back. Here he comes. Yeah, man. Get excited. I'm not a German guy with fucking autism. Shut up. First comic, I'm not a German guy with fucking autism. Shut up. First comic, I have braces.

At school, my girlfriend has braces. It's alright, she is age appropriate. I'm for a pedophile. She's 32. I love braces, because they're like lingerie for teeth. Every time she smiles, I'm like, baby, you got your stuff for me. I can't wait to hit that. What are those, the Victoria's Secret ribbons?

I heard they make your teeth look bigger. I like big teeth on a bitch. Like when I'm drinking PBR and scotch. Because if you can take care of those chompers You might be able to take care of a baby I don't know if bigger teeth make you a better mom But if your teeth are fucked up That's a clear sign you're not good at taking care of things that are important to you My name's Ian Ellis, I love you tonight

There you go That was the strongest closer so far this evening everybody in CNN I love you tonight there you go fuck yeah that was the strongest closer so far this evening yeah he's had some laughter when he closed

yeah finished big I haven't seen you before are you new in LA yeah I've only been here a couple weeks and I'm a huge fan of Jesse Joyce

it's an honor for me to be here that's sweet of you thanks man I appreciate it that's so cool you're kind of really stacking the deck

for me to not then dick on you. Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, I got this. What are you... What are you drinking, man? I'm drinking Merlot. I love the... I gotta say, that's my favorite part of your act. You have a tiny wine glass that you're waving around the whole time.

I've never seen that before. Yeah. It was like, your act was kind of like if Mitch Hedberg drank wine and didn't necessarily have jokes. Because you had sort of his cadence, and then a wine

glass, and then a lot of, also a lot of callbacks to shit that's been going on like, you know I mean everyone's just doing a minute you don't really have to use some of your time to rag on other guys

that only had a minute. You know what I mean? It's a cute idea. In general I like the idea of calling back something that another act said or whatever but you really like

lasered in on it. Like that's why even why we got the braces material. You weren't planning to do that until you heard him do it. Until you saw the guy with braces, right? That joke was already planned?

And you're like, oh, braces everybody. Thank God my one minute of material out of millions of subjects, braces is what I came here to talk about. That's why I love Alex. That's awesome.

How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years now. Where are you from? Chicago. I just moved here. You see? That's a fucking Mitch Hedberg right there. It's not a bad thing. People might mention it to you if you always sound like him.

It might come up. I get Mitch Hedberg if he didn't OD a lot. I get that a lot. I just saw the greatest movie ever rolled. Great movie. Oh, thanks, dude. Thank you. All right, Jesse, now you got a rag on him.

All right, yeah, well... I've been to the jukebox. I've performed at the jukebox. Do you have any stripper stories? I had ass and taint in my face What do you think is happening right now? What do you think your role is on this show? Because it sounds like

It sounds like you think you're the new host I love it I mean I know I'm funny to the red man Oh what the fuck That bear is coming That bear is going to come out at you. He took a big sip of that Merlot after he said it. I think he regretted it immediately.

You're on the stage wearing flip-flops and you're a grown adult. You really are. You're drinking wine out of a little glass. You're trying to shit on me for no reason. What I was going to say is that you actually did a really good job better than anybody else

because you knew how to be a stand-up. You weren't memorizing lines. You were taking material, mixing it with what was going on and I think you did really good

and I was just going to say. And then you burnt that bridge. Nice group. Really, really not a good move for being in LA two weeks. I saw Brian at the Secret Show.

He was great. Oh, thanks. Cheers. Yeah, so he meant that in a roasty sort of way as opposed to that he genuinely thinks he's better than you. It's a Chicago style. You really are like a man of a lot of contradictions, though. It's like the way you sound and the way you

look it's like you i do enjoy him right you look like a bus driver but you're dressed like a guy who rents kayaks and you sound like a juggalo so it's this combination of factors that i just don't know but i do agree with red band that you did have like the most structured like i really did i thought that was a really funny like a genuinely funny idea that that you wouldn't trust a woman who has fucked up teeth with her kids because she doesn't uh take care of what's important to her i like that's like i've thought that without actually putting it that concisely like i think that's a funny idea so uh you know with your urine you look like eddie Eddie Pepitone's gay nephew. See, this is what happens. He's just sitting here saying nice things to you.

You're going for it, but that doesn't always work. But no, I didn't like what you did, is the point. Great job, asshole. Can't wait to see more, dickface. Serious question, and I don't want you to try to be funny. Alright? You promise you'll answer it honestly? Absolutely. Where did you get that shirt from?

Don't try to be funny. Tell the truth. I don't buy a lot of clothes for myself. This was given to me by a man named Carl. Alright, you had to go and say something hilarious. Told you not to be funny. How did you know Carl? Carl Cousereau, I knew him from youth group when I was a boy. So he just randomly

would give you clothes, or he just said, hey man, take this worst shirt I've ever seen in my life. I want to give it to you. Ten years ago, it was a pretty happening shirt. He's like, hey guy, you look a little homeless. And I've had it that you. Ten years ago it was a pretty happening shirt. He's like, hey guy, you look a little homeless. And I've had it that long. It's a ten year old shirt. It's like your lucky shirt now?

Yeah. Because things went great tonight. You and Jesse and Tony and Brian, so it's a lucky shirt now. So he said you look homeless. He gave you that shirt when you continued to wear it for ten years, so now you look homeless again. You realize that it went full circle.

That looks very structured. You remember the store's structure? The collar is curling up in on itself from humidity and things like that. Anyway, it might be time to get a new shirt. That's a piece of advice. Thank you for having me here. You guys are the best. Yeah, just put it away until the next World Cup.

What do you... Ian, come back. What do you... Ian, come back. What do you keep in those cargo pockets? A better shirt? Nothing on that guy? Stabbed in some tissue. Okay, Ian, go back. Ian, go back to Chicago.

Bye. Ian Ellis, everybody. Oh, it really is tissue. Jesus. That's weird. How long do you say he's been doing stand-up? Like four years? Yeah, all right.

No, I think he's on the right track. I think he can be a pretty funny dude. It was very funny. It took a lot of chances he went for it. He did. He used the braces as a segue. I had a feeling those braces would come up again. Braces are a big deal, right? They really stand out.

They really do. It's one of those things. That's an excellent point, Tony. It's a terrific point. Glad you said it into a microphone. This guy, we know him. He's been coming on the show since it started. In a big off-again, on-again relationship

that he's engaged to his wife. It's Brad Sacks, everybody. He's insane. We don't know if he really wants to do it. Brad Sacks. I'm also a new father, guys. Thank you. First time.

Thank you. And people told me, they're like, hey, it's going to change your life. And it did, because I used to be kind of a cool guy, and now I carry a diaper bag. A fucking diaper bag, guys. Fully loaded, and that means diapers, wipes, and that's where I carry my drugs. Best place to carry drugs, especially on a plane, your diaper bag, guys. I went through the metal detector, the guy with the TSA guy was like,

hey, sir, I'm going to have to check. Hey, does that say baby cap? Get your ass through there, man. And then he yelled huggies at me because he was a first-time father. And I yelled pampers, bitch. That's how we talk to each other. That's what we do.

Been thinking a lot about my own childhood, guys. Because I used to shower with my dad, so I've been thinking a lot about my dad's dick lately. Yeah, like, I don't know. Because I don't know, I have a daughter. I don't know if I want to, like, shower with her, even when she's, like, maybe two. So I've been thinking, like, the genitals

are like the line at the amusement park. Like, if you're under there, like, if she's looking up at your genitals, that's cool. If you have a kid in the shower, and they're looking down at your genitals, they're, like, you have a kid in the shower and they're looking down at your genitals, they're like 16. You have to like... You've got to have that talk.

That was a good joke. I really liked that last one. I want to hear the rest of it. Can we hear the rest of it? No, that was it. Wait, how did it end? If they're looking down, they're like 16

you gotta like have that talk I gotta I'm working it's a work in progress I just wanted to it's a good idea if you're looking at it

from the north or if you're looking at it from the south so is that what you had you had a daughter had a daughter how long ago two months

tomorrow thank you guys so that's where you've been got applause twice because you put your penis in somebody and she made a baby. Good job. Were you guys trying to make a baby or was it a huge accident?

No, we were. Went for it. Because you knew that you'd get applause every time. For the next ten years, just say, I just had a baby. It'll work every time. For past listeners, you might remember that Brad in the past has talked a lot about his wife and the troubles and the relationships and stuff like that. So now this just blows my mind that now you're having a kid,

and now it's going to be really interesting to see what happens. I was waiting for you to come up because it's been a while since we've seen you talk about a divorce. And it was brand new news to me that you had a kid. Divorce or a baby, it's one or the other, right? It's probably both. What?

No, no, no. Not yet, not yet. I just got a text message that wasn't great though, guys. What did the text message say? I just ate some Tex-Mex that wasn't great. Whoa.

I feel like you've been sitting on that joke for a while. No, I just heard the words Tex-Mex it wasn't great. Whoa. I feel like you've been sitting on that joke for a while. No, I just heard the words Tex-Mess. What was the Tex message? It was, we went to visit my uncle. I got an uncle that lives here in L.A. We went to visit him. He was like, hey, you know, you guys just had a kid. You should think about maybe taking a trip somewhere.

Just spending some time together. And I was, you you know i kind of said yeah yeah maybe uh maybe not this christmas but the following christmas we could take you know because i i didn't know with my my job if i could get away and she was basically just texting me saying you don't want to go away with me because you don't love me that's a typical woman i want to go away with somebody that i love that loves me she said thing. I want to go away with somebody that I love. That loves me. She said that? Yeah. I want to go away with somebody that loves me? That loves me.

She just had your baby? Oh, yeah. Oh, you are fucked. I'm in a lot of trouble. I'm in a lot of trouble, guys. Oh my god, you're so fucked. That is so rough. You're so fucked. Yeah, I gotta do some backfitting. Your life is fucked. Yeah, it's fucked, yeah. I'm very depressed. I'm very... Oh, I bet.

Let's talk about this. Did you text back, Honey, I have the most important minute of my life coming up. This is no time. By the way, the minute format is so fantastic because he just had to gear shift right into... I used to see my dad's dick in the shower a lot. There was no preparation for that to fucking...

Oh, my God. We're talking about your sweet beautiful new baby daughter and then your dad's cock immediately

that's because of the format I figured I got the sense that you really rushed into the dad's cock material but I love it

for that reason I've been dying to talk about it for years though but so his dad has a nice cock thank you yeah I bet do you remember it specifically I've been trying to talk about it for years, though. Sure. His dad has a nice cock. Thank you. Yeah, I bet.

Do you remember it specifically? My dad's penis? Yeah. Yeah, I remember looking at it going like, wow, my dad's got a big, like a big one. Yeah. And he's a little guy. It wasn't big.

It wasn't that big. It wasn't that. But I was like two, so. I also remember that we used to go to an athletic club, and so I'd have to go to the locker room and it was just dick everywhere and I just remember going why is there so much dick everywhere

don't take a shower with your kid have your mom do it because that would be even as a girl that's probably way more sexier to have boobs everywhere than your dick or have your uncle do it why did you bring the word sexy into it? Why would sexy have anything to do with getting cleaned?

I'm always weirded out when dudes bring their little two-year-old or one-year-old girl into the men's room. That's always really weird to me. There's a bunch of dudes standing around with their dicks out. I know they have their back to you, but still. I haven't been about that. It's weird. You do? Yeah. That their dicks out. I know they have their back to you, but still. I haven't been about that. That freaks me out. But then again, now that I have a kid,

if you have to change that kid, and you have to dig in. It's still a baby, though, but when it starts walking around, the parent that's the same gender should take it into the bathroom in public places. That's my feeling. No guys want to hear a two-year-old girl talking when they're holding their penis, no matter what.

Most of them don't. That's for sure. I think the real problem is that if you're just a stranger in the bathroom and then they come in, you have to just take his word for it that that's his kid. You know what I mean? They just walk into a bathroom, a child in a stall.

Let me see both of your IDs. I know I'm just here pissing. Who's usually crying, you know? The kid's usually crying and I'm sitting there in the urinal like, is this okay? Or do I have to kick the door in? Yeah, you see something fishy

at the airport, you report it. Do you remember seeing your mom when you were younger? Yes. Naked, you mean? Yeah. Yeah. What did you think about that?

Like on a scale of one to 10, how were her tits? That was my mom. I don't know. But you didn't think it was gross, did you? I mean, I thought, you know, that's my mom naked. How big was her dick? Come on. She actually had big boobs, my mom.

Yeah. I have a big boob mom too it's fun I thought they were all like that but no delicious areolas my mom has actually I agree his mom does have delicious areolas almond milk

anyway can I hit the bear button does that delicious thing. Almond milk. Anyway. Can I hit the bear button? You know what is weird is that if you're talking about the bathing with the kid, it was weird how, I don't know if they still do it, but I remember going to my friend's house and when we'd spend the night, we'd take

a bath together with my friend and her mom would wash us and it's like, what? I'm like 17 or something. a bath together with my friend oh your mom would wash us and it's like what yeah and i like i'm like 17 you know or something that's old that's yeah you're old and lucky what's uh somebody's mom wants to bathe you are you waking up a lot in the middle of the night to take care of this yes yes i've been woken up uh pretty at 4, 4.30 in the morning. I'm talking about your wife. Oh, yeah.

She up? Yeah, she's doing most of the heavy. Are you waking up having to deal with her crying? Oh. It's silent. You don't want to go on vacation with me. Get ready for a lifetime of that, my friend. It might not be a lifetime, though.

She might be in postpartum depression. Oh. Well, he was talking about her before she was pregnant, so she might have that. Sounds like they've had a lot of issues over the years. She had pre-partum depression. If that's possible. If that's possible.

Because he was already miserable. Thank you, Tony. And you're 100% sure that this is your kid, right? Like it looks kind of like you said earlier. No, no, this is definitely me. This is definitely...

He has your black skin. He's got my sort of olive complexion. She does, yeah. Definitely mine. Which is good. Okay. Well, we've run some tests and we're going to give you the results after this break

you are not the father Brad Sachs everybody there he goes he's on twitter at Brad Sachs that's Brad S-A-C-H-S talk to Brad talk him back from that cliff Brad Sachs that's amazing H-H-S. Talk to Brad. Talk him back from that cliff.

Brad's back. That's amazing. People having kids. I just don't get it. Is that anything you guys might be interested in one day? You ever think about what that would be like? Having a little three-year-old stoner running around the house, Doug? Can you imagine Doug being a father? Wait, what?

Why would my three-year-old be a stoner? I can just picture it. I can just picture it. I can just picture it. Cleaning your baby with bat bong water. I have a lot of fun with kids, but I like to deal with ones that aren't mine and I take them home after a day and I return them.

How do you do that? You rent babies? I've never stolen a child. No, I just take them. Why would I rent them? That's a waste of money. Baby blockbuster. That baby I wanted was out.

They're so easy to take. They really are. You know how fucking dumb and gullible? You just fucking get them. Yeah, they don't even bite back. All you have to have is a shiny thing. Yeah. They fit the pillowcase, some of them.

Like Alex Duong's smile. That was the guy with the braces. Yes. have to have is like a shiny thing yeah they fit the pillowcase some of them like alex duong smile that was the guy with the braces yes she got called back um you tried to say a couple things during the last guy uh comedy patriot or what do i call you willie black patriot boy i don't like that okay but willie willie's your name though right? Yeah Yeah Willie What were you saying During the last guy? I wanted to ask him Why did he have a kid with her?

Why? Well I'm sure it's because He put his penis in her vagina And some I think Happened You know It's one of those things

Did he think He was going to change everything? Yeah I was going to fix everything Is what they probably thought. Brad, are you still here? Yes. Where are you?

This is really a testament to how fucked up comics are generally, that it's like a guy just said, like, I just had a beautiful baby daughter, and everybody's like, why the fuck would you do that? Yeah, what's wrong with you? What the fuck kind of person? What kind of... Yeah, was it a mistake, and then she just doesn't want to go to Planned Parenthood, so you had to do it?

No, no, he says they were trying. It was planned. We've had our issues like a lot of couples. And maybe I said, ooh, maybe I shouldn't have done that. You know, a lot of couples don't have issues, too. That's true. I don't know who they are. Being a couple is work. It is. It's a lot of work.

Compromise. Yeah. At least... Sorry. Sorry. Were you coming inside of her a lot? Is that what's going on? Like were you excited about that part of it? That was good. That was a good part. Was that part of it that you were sort of into the trying to make a baby thing you're just like oh I can just blow away it but funnest hole in the universe I think when you're married you can still blow away while she's on birth control wait a second did you name your daughter Portia no what why is Brian laughing so hard at that? Big Shakespeare fan?

I'm just imagining the childhood That this poor kid's going to have And it's going to grow up to become a stripper So they just did it early on Oh they gave her the stripper name immediately I see, start with the stripper name Lamborghini She has the last name Sax though, huh? Yes

This little beautiful little girl has the last name Sax though, huh? Yes. This little beautiful little girl has the last name Sax. Correct. Fiona. Fiona Sax. Fiona Sax. Oh, I like that. That does sound like a porn name. Thank you. Thank you, guys. That's too far. That's too much. That's a neat

porn name. I said it sounded like one, not that it is one. Future will only only reveal that. When that baby came out, the hospital room was just like, a pizza delivery guy walked in. Let's hold off on these jokes for another 17 years and 10 months, everybody.

Yeah, yeah, be cool. Guys, give it up next, Fiona Sachs to the stage. She's two months old. What fucking strip club have you ever been where they give the last name of the stripper? What kind of a fucking ridiculous... Fiona Sachs.

Social security number. All right. 8-5-9-3-2-4-8-5. On the main stage. Uncle Shower. Uncle Shower. Uncle Shower. Aren't you glad we called you back up here? I worked out great.

I'm definitely going to need an attorney after this if anybody has one. It was one thing trying to figure out your comedy career, but we've clearly figured out your daughter's career. Congratulations on that. If your wife hears this podcast, you're definitely going to have to take her on a trip.

I'm done. I'm dead. There he goes, Brad Sachs. Thank you so much, Brad. Oh, shit. Fiona Sachs. That's out of control. Sachs to be her. Willie, how you doing over there you feeling good you having fun

yeah I'm glad we got to the bottom of that kid thing is it hot in that shit it's a little I thought it might be I didn't see that you wanted to ask him a question so if at any point if you just put a palm up I can see or just go

you're standing you can really command the room if you wanted to a palm up, I can see. Or just go, pew, pew, pew. You're standing, there you go. You could really command the room if you'd wanted to. But during that segment, you were like, I'm going to go to the theater. That was good, close. Your microphone's definitely not as hot as ours, that's for sure.

I thought that was me, the feedback. Is that one also? They're both connected, both of those. That's why if you stand back when you're not talking it would be the best so that I could turn it up more so that stand up yell more. Perfect. Sorry. You guys should work this shit out at the tech rehearsal. Get him.

Fuck yeah, let's keep this. Who next? Fun train moving along. Oh, this is a very funny gentleman. Put your hands together for Brett Banta A proud favorite here I look forward to this Hi my name is Brett Banta Thank you

Nobody likes me at work I'm always in the first round to lay off, so I'm always the first person to get laid off. My boss came up to me once. He was like, Brett, who names a file final, final, final, final dot doc? I was like,

is it the guy that's going to be getting his final, final, final paycheck? Anyway, thank you. One day I'm going gonna own, if I ever own my own company, chicks with big tits are gonna get laid off last. It's gonna go alphabetical,

or by cup size. A cups, adios. B cups, bye. C cups, see ya. D cups, don't leave! We'll never have Hawaiian shirt Fridays, we'll have no shirt Fridays. People at work are always doing fantasy football. They have complex fantasy football teams.

Some teams will have four quarterbacks. If I ever had my own fantasy football team, it'd be really simple. I'd be the quarterback. All the cheerleaders would be Asian. Yeah. Yeah. Brad Pantel. Fantasy football. Brett Bantam Fantasy Football How's it going Brett?

Oh it's okay How long you been in this game? Two years I think you're right on target Yeah I do I mean I wasn't like Dying in any of it but i was like uh just you you have a clear persona personality and uh those are newer jokes and you'll you'll continue to hone those i don't that final final final final final thing, who does that anyway?

You know what I mean? Like, why would you do that and then get fired for it? And why would you say doc twice if you're doing that? Yeah, why are you doing that? Are you that much of a... Is that the joke that you're such a fuck-up?

Yeah, like, I'll name files, like, final, and then it'll, by date, and then I'll go final, final, and then I'll just want to quickly get rid of shit and so I get laid off a lot. How often do you get laid off? Wait, for doing this final, final? It seems like you should stop doing that.

Be step one to staying gatorly employed. That I think you needed to clarify because you're like, I'm always the first guy to get laid off and I was like, well you'd only get laid off from the job one time but you get laid off from a bunch of jobs. How many times have you been laid off? Probably six times in the first round.

In the first round? What does that mean? From six different companies, like, I'll get I'll be in the first round of layoffs. It's kind of been a lot. With a bunch of people but I'll try to it'll be the first round of layoffs. It's kind of been a lot. Oh, okay. With a bunch of people, but,

I'll try to figure out how to not joke, how to say, you know, I'm not, I'm unreliable at work, this is why, but.

Is the, is the HR department familiar with your insane level of misogyny? Is that maybe why you've been, you're the first to go? I know I'm just freelance.

I feel like you fucking single-handedly took down the 19th Amendment while we were in that minute of stand-up. But he's got a good persona, right, in Delivery? Don't you think he's got a fun thing going on? It's just that one minute

of material just wasn't... Yeah, I mean, there was the Asian cheerleaders joke and then there was also the firing women by cup size it was like the whole minute right right right the firing women part I didn't like so much but

I enjoyed the having fun with the A B C and D like that he had something for each cup size that was kind of fun you're right scrap that whole minute but I just like you know mean, maybe I also was kind of psyched up because Tony said this guy's been on before and he's funny. But I just like immediately, I just recognize that you have a persona and a voice. Right.

And that's hard to come by. Right. So you got that. Yeah. Because you want to be able to give people in a minute anyway, even if you're doing a 10-minute set or a 20-minute set. I mean, people just listening to this podcast,

I think the sound of his voice and the delivery, he's got that. He probably has lots of other minutes of material that I haven't heard. You're right. I do feel like I kind of get a sense of who you are. Based on that, I would never let you date Fiona Sachs. We're all going to be very protective of Fiona.

I feel like, yeah. The comedy community is really going to take care of her. No, but legitimately, you are aware, just as far as the choice of material goes, that women do sort of have a control over the room. It's like dudes go with a girl, and if the girl gets pissed at you, then that ruins the night for both. You know what I mean? You're going to make... If you just shit on women, it's an uphill climb.

I'm not saying don't do it, but I'm saying... I was just trying to unmute stuff. What are all these jobs that you're getting laid off from? Where are you working? What types of things are you doing? Dot com. I mean, it's been over years, but during the dot com days, I got laid off a lot. You were like at pets.com?

When were the dot com days exactly? 94. Yeah, it was big for a while. Remember when there was a couple Super Bowls where every commercial was for dot-coms that could not afford Super Bowl commercials? That was my pets.com references that they went under after that. Because they spent millions of dollars

on an ad to show their sock puppet. And then they sued Robert Smigel. Do you know about that? They did? Yeah, because he also has a dog puppet. Sure. Yeah, they tried to sue him. They tried to sue Triumph.

Yeah. Because they're like, we've got... We also have a... We have a puppet that's not funny. Yeah, yeah, exactly. We're going to sue the fucking funny puppet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brett, what are you doing for work now?

Right now, I'm just freelancing and... Freelancing what? Yeah, do you think your current freelancing job will be your final, final, final, final, final... I'm doing stuff for Stanford University, like their identity and how they look and... What stuff? I like designing their catalogs and...

Are you a programmer programmer are you an art designer like graphic design yeah you guys trying to find backup impressions for our friend here well I'm trying to see if he can make a new Keltoni logo yeah

I want to do one because I love Scarface and I was thinking of all these different rad shirts have you gone on these websites like Fiverr and Tenor and 20er and 30er because it seems like if you nowadays you don't need to

you can work for home especially for graphic design where the fuck are you giving him graphic design advice what kind of a yeah yeah have you looked at these websites and you know what i'm talking about these are websites that people can hire you for a job and and it's just like like 40 you just make a logo for them 40 you make a logo for them but i know people that are like seven days backed up of just 40 jobs that they spend like an hour on

and they're like making 4040 an hour pretty much. I don't know. I don't understand. I would hate to have to try to do comedy and go do a 9-5 job and I think that's what you're dealing with. Do you have a kid? You have a kid. I have two daughters. You have two daughters.

Do you take baths with them? And you're not with that woman anymore, right? No, we're still together, right? No, we're still together. Financially, we're stuck where we are. Did you see Brad Sachs when he was up here? Yeah. He just had a daughter.

Yeah. Did that remind you of a young Brad Banta? Yeah. Well, thanks, Brad. It's always fun. He's on Twitter at Brad J. Banta. For you listeners, tweet at him. well thanks Brett it's always fun he's on twitter at Brett J Banta for you listeners

tweet at him thanks dude thank you always fun always exciting have you ever asked Doug Doug did you

you've been asked the question about like stuff that you in the past that you regretted doing as like material or something yeah is there anything

you did on stage when you first started that you can't believe you ever did well you can go back and look at any set that you used to doing as material or something? Yeah, is there anything you did on stage when you first started that you can't believe you ever did? Well, you can go back and look at any set that you used to do. I remember somebody shows me an old set from somewhere. I'm never completely happy with it, and there's certainly things that I hate about it. I mean, when you very, very first started.

Yeah. Like, you don't record it on TV or, you know. Oh, well... Before Friends. I didn't have too many jokes that I didn't, you know, pursue all the way to television. You know, like I didn't have much that fell by the wayside. But I guess there was some stuff. Like the very first set I ever did right here at the Comedy Store was like mostly props.

So it was like a prop act. Because at that time, Joel Hodgson and P and pb herman and howie mendel like those were like all like very successful popular comedians who worked a lot with props that they either built or just toys that they found do you remember one of the props that you put on stage yeah i remember everything exactly i had this stuffed this this penguin that was very cute, stuffed penguin that was a male penguin. And if you squeeze it, a plastic egg would fall out because the male penguin holds the egg and walks around with it for however long it takes. And I'd squeeze the egg out, and then I'd open up the egg and show it a little stuffed baby penguin inside the egg. And then I'd put it all down.

There was like no joke. There was absolutely no joke, but it got a huge laugh just because of the oddness of it. Oh, Andy Kaufman was also very popular at the time. Oh, wow. So he was another person. And Steve Martin. I emulated a lot of guys that just did a lot of weird shit on stage.

And in my first set that got a laugh so it encouraged me and I kept going. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since 70... No. It's been a very, very, very long time. I don't like to talk about it. Really?

Yeah, I like to, you know, keep people confused. I had Sinbad on a few weeks ago. He's been doing it 30 years. Yeah, well, you know, Sinbad can brag about something like that. I had Jeff Garland on with him. He's been doing it 32 years.

Tony, let me ask you a question. I want to know how long... Do you know that we still have an audience here? Yeah And that other young comics are dying to get up here And do one minute of comedy Anything crazy you did when you first started That you can't believe you did?

Well, I tell you what, this is something I never did But it was always First of all, I wanted to say that this guy that I knew That I started with, I didn't do this But he used to do some bit about How women love to run their fingers through Italian guys' hair. And then he'd pick a chick in the front row and go, like, you want to run your finger? And she'd go, yeah, all right. And then he would drop his pants and he had a fucking bushy wig in his tighty-whities.

But he would do that at minute 16. So that means he had to fucking have this sweaty wig in his pants for the first 16 minutes and then he would just and then I never saw him wash that wig like he would then go back and shove it back it was a fascinating

he's a comic still how big of a laugh did it get when he it would destroy revealed that hair really it would fucking destroy just run your fingers

yeah did he ever did you ever see a show where he was like would you like to run your fingers through my hair and the woman's like nope

like doesn't that shut the bit down right there it sure would yeah no oddly I don't think I ever saw they're always like yeah

yeah it always amazes me that and anybody here can any man here can try it if you're on stage in front of an audience and you start to take off your outer garment, like your

jacket or this hoodie or whatever, if you take it off on stage during a stand-up comedy show, several women in the audience will go, they just fucking do it. No matter how fat, ugly, stupid you are, if you start to disrobe on stage,

there will be women in the audience that go, woo! It's crazy. It's like Pavlovian. Women don't get to see stripping enough, so when it happens, they fucking have to make a noise about it.

It's like a tea kettle. It's like, woo! It's really weird. Try it next time. To add an addendum to that, you would have to take the garment entirely off because this dude would just drop his sweatpants to his ankles and that doesn't...

So he also always had to wear sweatpants because regular pants couldn't negotiate the fucking crazy wig. It was amazing. Well, hopefully our next comedian doesn't do that. And her name is Felicia Folks. Felicia! Oh, shit!

She doesn't have a wig in her pants. Damn it! Felicia Folks, you just got blacklisted. It happened so fast. Maybe she's in the shitter. Willie Blacklisted. Maybe she started her period. Fuck yeah,

Willie. It's getting better. I guess you went with that same one that you did before, huh? Yeah. Decided not to change

There was two ladies, right? Two ladies that show up for their spots. Ladies, man. What's up with the ladies tonight? Signing up

and getting cold feet. Put your hands together for Albert Linton. Here he is. Albert Linton. Here he is. Albert Linton. Thank you. So my name is Albert Linton, like he said, and actually I'm glad he said it and I'm saying it again more for me than for you because I'm pretty old and I'll probably forget my name by the time the set is over. So it's Albert Linton. I want you to remember

that. Actually it's Albert Nathaniel Arthur Linton. I want you to remember that. Actually, it's Albert Nathaniel Arthur Linton. I don't use it because the initials are A-N-A-L. That's anal for the slow folks. And I drove up from San Diego. I'm originally from Texas. I don't really have a joke about that.

Someone else, you can always tell me someone's from Texas because you say, Texas, you! Because everybody's proud of Texas Texas the best thing about Texas being from there I feel the same way about Florida I like California though and I like the girls in California because California has beautiful women I almost hit the most beautiful women in the world but you know that would be pandering and I don't really want to pander because I'm not being paid. I've been doing stand-up comedy for a long

time. I have no reason why I continue to do it. Probably because I can't do any fucking thing else. I've tried doing a lot of things. I'm kind of like this guy up here who says you get fired all the time for fouling. I'd fire you too, motherfucker. But the point is I've been fired

from a lot of things. And I've had kids. You brought out the bear. What happened? What happened to the kitten? It was a cat. Oh, there was? Yeah.

I just went right through that. I'm so sorry. I missed it too, man. You can get away with it, Albert. How are you doing, Albert? For those of you that don't know, Albert works down at the La Jolla Comedy Store,

one of our favorite places in the world where we cook Caltoni on the road. Come visit us. Have you thought about going by the professional name Not Fat Albert? Because you're not fat. No, I have not thought about this. And your name is Albert.

And that's a good bit, right? You're welcome. Not Fat Albert. I'm Not Fat Albert. Yeah. Hey, not Fat Albert. I'm not Fat Albert. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey. But you were, that was, if I may go first, that was rapid fire jokes. And, you know, some better than others.

But, you know, you, how many times has he done it up here? First time. First time up here. You came all the way up from San Diego. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. I loved it I did too

it was great man yeah it was awesome you can tell you've been doing it for a while how long have you been doing it how long have you been

doing stand up why are you looking at me while he's talking to you why the fuck are you both being so pinchy what's happening me and Charlie

what the hell why are the two of you being so pinchy about how long you've done comedy what the fuck is going on? That's why he looked at me. We're in the same boat.

We've both been doing comedy for 60 years. You guys are both the co-hosts of the comedy store. Neither one of us wants to admit it. So great. Trying to stay young and contemporary. That's right. That's the idea. Is that a Kangol you're wearing?

Yeah. No, it's my iPad. That's a hat. It's his iPad. A Kangol. When you get older, you go bald and you start wearing hats. How old are you, Albert? Oh, here we go. Wait a second.

You don't have to answer that. Why? 63! Holy shit! Thank you. That's great. Look at you. You're hanging out with a bunch of young bucks. You're living your life. That's so exciting. Yeah, I am. And I've been doing comedy 25 years. Wow. Now, do you get

up a lot in San Diego? I mean, I'm sure at the comedy store, but do you get up outside of the comedy store in San Diego a lot? Yeah, I get up about mostly when I'm not working there, I get up at the other clubs. So I try to be up every night. I would love to have you at the Ice House anytime that you want to. I would love to be at the Ice House.

Great, I'll put you on the Ice House Chronicles. See the further drive from San Diego. But you'll get a lot longer than a minute. What? Why? To do Devil's Lake, Minnesota. There's a club up there. Devil's Lick? Lake. Oh, Lake. Devil's Lick. I like Devil's Lick a minute. What? Why? To do Devil's Lake, Minnesota. There's a club up there. Devil's Lick? Lake. Oh, Lake.

Devil's Lick. I like Devil's Lick a lot. You like Lake. Lakes. You know, yeah. Devils shouldn't have a lake. It doesn't even make sense. Devil's Lake of Fire.

Minnesota has 10,000 lakes. They're going to run out of people to name lakes after, after a while. Yeah, they just have to, oh, Satan Lake, Devil Lake. That's how it goes. I have to, oh, Satan Lake, Devil Lake. I thought it was great

by the way too. How long have you been at the comedy store down there? Six years. Six years. Right. I bet you have

a lot of crazy stories. It's a great place. We've had a lot of fun weekends. I know every time I go down there, you see us always get crazy

because everybody gets loose at La Jolla. And I sell popcorn a lot down there.olla. It's an amazing comedy club. Many people's favorite comedy club in the world. You guys have never been there? What? I've been to the La Jolla comedy store. You kidding me?

How long ago? Well, yeah, it's been a while. Did I do a show with you there, Brian? That was the other club American oh yeah ACC

American Comedy Club yeah yeah but they're pretty far apart within San Diego like Comedy Stars in La Jolla and the other ones in the Gaslamp

but yeah I just don't you know I don't play there but you know I like it but you guys should come down

that's all I'm saying I've been there you should come back you will I will Albert thank you so much he's on Twitter I don't play there, but you know. I like it. I've been there. I will. Albert, thank you so much. He's on Twitter. Albert says, Jesse Joyce, come to the San Diego comedy store.

Please follow Albert on Twitter. A-L-B-L-I-N-T. It's that easy. Al Blint, I think it is. He's on Twitter, believe it or not. 62 and tweeting. 63. Don't cheat on me. But just a small

piece of advice. If you can get your own name and just your name on Twitter, go with that. Don't mess around with... Get as close to your name as possible. And don't add stand-up to it. I know a couple of friends of mine that already have long names. Then they add stand-up on the end of it.

So it's like this person, this person, stand-up. If I'm making it as a comic, this is comic advice. If I'm making a lineup like tonight at the Ice House or at the Comedy Store, I will leave your name out more than most names. Like if you're the Teab or something like that, I'm always putting the Teab in there. But if you're like jeremiahstandupcomedy. that, I'm always putting The Tebe in there. But if you're like jeremiastandupcomedy.com, I'm not going to put

this whole Twitter address. The Tebe should still, he should have his name. Because people, he's not professionally known as The Tebe. Right. J. Tebe, maybe.

J. Tebe. You should just have his full name if you can get away with it. At Tony Hinchcliffe works perfectly. I agree. Red Band.

At Red Band is even better. Two people that have decently long Twitter handles are our regulars on this podcast. Regular time! You've seen them every time you've ever seen this show. These two young ladies have been doing a new 60 seconds ever since the show started. And we're going to do it again tonight.

Going up first, you know from the Dysentery podcast, Kill Tony, always a brand new minute with the goofy, fun stylings of Sarah Weinshank. Here she is. What's up? I'm contemplating hibernation. Like, I'm just over it. I'm just over it. I just want to eat a lot of food and sleep

for an extended amount of time. There's a lot of stupid people. There's a lot of stupid, happy people pissing me off, trying to get me to do things that I don't want to do, like play Jenga. There's two types of people. People who play Jenga and people like me. I don't want to play catchphrase. It's stupid. I don't want to play Jenga. It's stupid. People like that make me want to hibernate. Also, who are these people that take forever at the ATM?

It leaves me in a weird position, because it's like you can't get too close, because then they think that you're going to rob them. But at the same time, it's not deactivating a bomb. Why is it so fucking hard, bro? It's not a riddle. Put in your pen. Okay.

Is there anything else after that? Put in your pen. It's not a riddle. Put in your pen. Okay. Is there anything else after that? Put in your pen. It's not a riddle. That's it? I don't really know. Okay. Yeah. Gotcha.

What more about the hibernating? What made you think of hibernating? Yeah, last week you were talking about how you're talking to stars. Are you going through a bout of depression right now? Sounds like depression. I want to be like a bear in hibernation. Last week I talked about bloggers. No, I just feel like hibernating.

Like I want to eat and sleep for an extended amount of time. Who wouldn't want to do that? People who aren't depressed. It's true. It's true. People who have things to live for. Goals, dreams, everything.

Yeah. Weren't you just in the desert playing Mario Brothers? I was in the desert. Yeah, I was in the desert. That's where I got approached by a stranger about Jenga. And I was like, no. I'm sleeping.

That's the worst when you're in the desert and someone wants to play Jenga. First you think it's a mirage, you see the Jenga box, you're like, water. Next thing you know. I was trying to sleep and this stranger asked me to play Jenga and I was like, no.

Yeah, that's not a game you play when you're sleeping. Were you Burning Man? Is that what this is? No. Why were you sleeping in the desert? I wasn't just sleeping in the sand. I was like sleeping by a pool. And like a stranger, drunk girl who was trying to make new friends invited me to play

Jenga and I said no. And then she came out with a catchphrase. And I was like, no. But is that happening more than once? Because you were like what's with all these people wanting to play Jenga in the desert? What's with the constant mirage of Jenga enthusiasts? If I had a nickel for every time

somebody approached me in the desert and accosted me with Jenga. I feel like there's a lot of people that like Jenga. A lot. Oh yeah, people do like it. And they want you to like it too. They have it in bars and stuff.

Like get drunk and get really nervous about these wooden blocks falling over. too. They have it like in bars and stuff. Like get drunk and get really nervous about these wooden blocks falling over. It's fucking intense. It's like your own 9-11 that you get to build. Let's play Tower 7.

Have you been eating and sleeping a lot lately? Tower 7 would blow up from the inside. Not as much as I want to be. I inside. Not as much as I want to be. What? I mean, not as much as I want to be. Because I have shit to do. Right. You know?

Like, I think it's just a fantasy of mine to hibernate. Right. If you could sleep for as long as you wanted to and wake up after that sleep, like set a machine to a certain amount of rest, how long would you sleep for? I'm too neurotic to actually hibernate, actually.

I don't know. Probably like a few weeks. Sleeping's a really good diet. I love when it gets sick. It's so hard to eat when you're sleeping. Well, but that's the problem with hibernating is you basically store up for the winter.

Right, you eat a bunch and then just sleep through the winter. She's not saying napping, she problem with hibernating, is you basically store up for the winter. Right, you eat a bunch, and then just sleep through the winter. She's not saying napping. She's suggesting hibernating. Yeah, it's heavy. It's probably the only bare characteristic you'd actually want to, right? Being insanely overprotective of your young and not... You wouldn't be able to play Jenga, technically speaking, without opposable digits.

Yeah, I just have paws. It's probably a lot of... Do you want to go out into a river and catch fish in your mouth? Nah. Okay. Just trying to think of other ways that you're bear-like. Do you like...

Do you like picnic baskets? Oh, joke boots. I like picnic baskets. Do you like honey? Yeah, I like a pink basket Do you like honey? Yeah, I like honey Who doesn't like some fucking honey? Do you sometimes just wear a t-shirt with no underwear or shorts? That's a Winnie the Pooh reference, everybody

I know it's a little bit creepy That is the weirdest outfit Winnie the Pooh has Yeah, man More like Winnie the... I has. Yeah, man. More my butt and my dick. More like Winnie the... Ew. I can barely cover my belly with this shirt. When female bears have periods when they're hibernating... Here we go.

Oh, Jesus. Sarah Weinschenk, everybody. Yay, Sarah! She's on Twitter at Princess Schenck. That's Princess S-H-E-N-K. All one word. All the princesses want to hibernate.

Right? Sleeping Beauty. Frozen. It's the end of my list. Our other regular dropped out of Hey, come on. Princess Diana. Yeah, she is. It's the fucking anniversary this week.

Oh, it is? Really? Yeah. She died on my 11th birthday. She died on your mom's birthday? No, my 11th birthday. But it was Labor Day weekend, right? I think it was Labor Day weekend.

It was August 31st, 1997. There you go. And I still have it the la times weekend edition that weekend had a campaign to they were going to sell as an auction to raise money a dress that diana owned and i swear to you i have the weekend she died i have an ad that came out in the LA Times that said win a dress to die for. Wow.

Unbelievable. Instagram that shit. Pretty amazing. Put your hands together for our final regular of the night. It's Kimberly Congdon. That was a bad setup for her. Horrible intro. Lady Di and now here's hey hi guys who here has a mom?

hey me too that's cool have you ever heard the saying if you want to know what a girl's going to look like in 30 years look at her mother you've heard that right that's why every time my mom starts to gain a little weight, I politely

remind her to stop cock blocking. It's like with every piece of bacon is another failed marriage. No one's going to want this. It's like, how does that burger taste? Does it taste like you'll never have grandchildren? Because you're ruining everything for me. I'm not going to take care of you in a nursing home.

They are. I strongly believe in the pull-out method. I think it's an awesome thing. I'm always pretty careful. I don't want to get pregnant because I feel like I can't afford to keep anything alive besides myself. Okay. Is there anything else to that? Is that it?

That was a whole bit about dating a guy in the NFL who was way more careful about pulling out than I was and every time he pulled out I say that I just saw him spitting out D1s. Like no. D1s? Yeah. It's like

college football. Sounds like nobody here gets it except one guy who instead of laughter just described what it is. I saw little professional football players being wasted. His seed would be good at football. Right. Gotcha. Division 1 college laughter just described what it is. I saw little professional football players being wasted. His seed would be good at football.

It was a joke about wanting someone's sperm. Division I college sperm is what D1s means. D1s, yeah. Well, I guess the cat saved you on that one. Or nobody watches football. Pussy in time. The burger grandkids thing was, I think, the joke of the night.

That was great. Joke of the night. There you go. There you go. With that, we're actually going to wrap it up. Kim, great job. We're a little bit late on time. I thought when she said she does

the pull-out method, you were going to say you pull out all your sperm out of you. I like that you said wrap it up, though. You are unbelievable, Brian. That was gross. I love looking at Jesse Joyce's reaction to what Red Band said. I feel like he's going to attack me again.

Kimberly, great job. Fantastic. The Bird of Truth, thank you. The West Hollywood Bear, thank you. Kimberly Congdon is on Twitter. Kimberly Congdon, Sarah Weinschenk, a princess. Weinschenk, Jesse Joyce, you're Jesse Joyce. No I in Jesse.

J-E-S-S-E, Joyce. One word. That's right. Hilarious, always on the move. Something fun happening. Did your David Towle thing come out? Yeah, the company underground. You can see the whole thing online. Follow him on Twitter so you know when he's on Fox News. I always love seeing you.

You're always busy and fun. Thanks, man. Good work. I'm sure we'll be working on the next roast really soon together. We certainly will. Doug Benson. What? Douglovesmovies.com.

That's all they need to know. There you go. All of my shit is over there. Doug Benson's the man. Willie Hunter has his own show, the Willie Hunter Show. He's on Twitter, at Willie Hunter.

That's Willie spelled with I-E, not a Y, guys. It's at Will Hunter Show. Will Hunter Show. Oh, Will Hunter. Good Will Hunter. Go with a name that you don't know it. That'll really guide him there.

All right, is that what we got to wrap this show up? Yeah, there you go, you son of a bitch. It's at Will Hunter Show. Come see us in Columbus and Phoenix, everybody. Thanks for listening. This was episode, I believe, you son of a bitch. That's that Will Hunter show. Come see us in Columbus and Phoenix, everybody. Thanks for listening.

This was episode, I believe, 69. 68. 68 of Kill Tony. Thank you guys so much. Good night. Outro Music It's what I got. I said, remember that love. It's what I got. I said, remember that love. It's what I got. you you you