KILL TONY - KILL TONY #70

Episode Date: November 4, 2014

Louis Katz, Matt Fulchiron, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Joshua Meyrowitz, Brian Redban – Date: 09/15/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Death Squad. This is Kill Tony and me and Tony Hinchcliffe are going on the road. This week, me and Tony are doing the Dark Comedy Festival and that's in Toronto. We are doing the Roast of Ron Jeremy Wednesday, November 5th. We have a bunch of comedy shows at the Comedy Underground. We have a Kill Tony Live in Toronto. Yes, you heard me right, Kill Tony in Toronto. That's going to be at Big Picture

Cinema. That's Friday, November 7th. And then we have more comedy shows, and then we're going to end up in Buffalo, New York. That's right. So all these tickets can be found on our tour dates calendar. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates, or you can find all the information about the Dark Comedy Fest by going to their website, darkcomediefest.com. Also, check out shopsquad.tv. That's where we have all the Death Squad merchandise that helps us pay the bills. We got t-shirts. We got hoodies to keep you warm.

We got hats, coffee mugs, everything. Go to shopsquad.tv. And don't forget to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website Tony Hinchcliffe dot com you got it all right here's a brand new episode of kill Tony hey this is Red Band coming to you live from the road famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Get up for Tony Hitchcock! Yeah! What the fuck is up, everybody?

Here we are again. Happy Monday to you. What did I do with that piece of paper? Hi, everybody. How are you guys? Fuck yeah. It's good to be here, guys. Happy Monday to you. We are back again. It's been to be here, guys. Happy Monday to you. We are back again. It's been another exciting week. Fun times.

I'm glad that you guys made it out. This is a very, very fun, packed, exciting Monday night Belly Room show. It's very, very hot outside. We finally just closed the back door and hopefully it'll chill down some more in the next few minutes. How was it in Burbank? Your neck of the woods today, Brian?

I think it was 109 at one point. Burbank, people. Burbank. It was so bad that I had bought a Coke, like a bottle of Coke, Coke Zero, and I left it in my car and I was like, oh shit, I should get that out of my car. I went outside, it had blown up. Oh no. It was a bottle of Coke And I was like, oh, shit. I should get that out of my car. I went outside.

It had blown up. Oh, no. It was a bottle of Coke? It was like one of these. A plastic bottle? And the whole thing just blew up. Wow. Everywhere.

Holy shit. And if you know anything about Coke, that's just awful. It's like my car had herpes all day today. Now you're replenishing the fuel that you missed out on that Coke with a Powerade white cherry. That's right why do these power energy drinks come out with semen colored uh refreshments like there's only one thing in the world that's that color i tell you why i always buy it like gatorade has one what's gatorade's called like glacier ice right yeah it is and i always buy it because i'm like oh it seems colder and refreshing it looks like a block of ice.

But it's not. No. And it's always cherry, which is completely, because they always have fruit punch also, which is red. So they always make cherry white for some reason, which makes no sense. It's true. The insides of cherries are white, I do believe, everybody. White on the inside. Guys, we have a sponsor.

You haven't even eaten your sandwich yet. We have a gourmet chef that cooks for myself and the guests each week, and she's sitting right over there, everybody. Put your hands together for the great Elise Lane, everyone. There she is. She's a gourmet chef. She's a little bit sad

today. She lost a friend, and we're also calling this episode that we're dedicating it to her lost friend. She made us delicious food after finding out that her friend died. Boom. That's when you know you have a great sponsor.

Oh, my friend's dead? Guess what? Kill Tony. Tonight, 8 p.m. She made black bean and cherry tomato salad You know what? Let's have Josh Martin read this Josh Martin, the run around producer

Everybody, he runs around Make sure that everybody's All good, and he's got a hell of a Hell of an accent on him He's from New Orleans and has a tiny, unmuscular tongue These are huge words Alright, just try to read it. We have black bean and cherry tomato

salad with cartagia, avocado, and ancho marinated tofu. Read it again, but this time you're not allowed to pause at all. You just have to keep making noise. Just try.

Just try to do what I just said. No pausing whatsoever. Just make making noise no matter what. Just try. Just try. Just try to do what I just said. No pausing whatsoever allowed. Just make a noise rather than nothing. I'll flick you in the dick every time you pause. Please don't flick me in the dick. Come on. We have black bean and cherry tomato salad with cotija, avocado, and ancho marinated tofu. We have homemade Toscano bread sandwiches with...

No pausing Moladela salami Organic turkey and provolone Arugula I'm ruining her food it's delicious There was a pause in there you're lucky you didn't get a dick flick Josh Martin everybody He's on Twitter at Josh Martin comic

Keeping us cool I'm sure that AC is as high as it gets Because Josh Martin is just that good Of a run around guy That I'm sure that AC is as high as it gets because Josh Martin is just that good of a run-around guy that I'm sure he's all over that. We've had a lot of fun the last couple weeks. We've been experimenting with something a little bit fun and goofy.

Our friend, Jeff Richards, has been doing some new songs that he just released off of his album. If you don't know Jeff Richards, you do know Jeff Richards because he's been on both SNL and MADtv. Off his new album, is this The Greatest Shins,

I do believe, from 1999 to 2014, available on iTunes. The name of this song is it's Disco Tech, everybody. Jeff Richards. Here he is. Let's thank him. Jeff Richards. Here he is. Let's all get it! First of all, put your hands together for the Comedy Store Internet.

We've been promised it for weeks. Put your hands together, people. It's Kill Tony. Monday night at the Comedy Store. Disc Air Attack. Disc Air Attack. This is a song from a Disc Air Attack. Got, got, got Disc Air Attack. Disc Air Attack. This is a song from a disc air tech. Ga-ga-ga, disc air tech.

Disc air tech. This is a song from a disc air tech. Oh, my life, I've been between my sheets. I was hard, you were easy, such a tasty treat. I gave you all I could. I gave you all I had. $7.45, be glad. Be glad I'm not your dad. Seven dollars and forty-five cents. Be glad.

Be glad I'm not your dad. Be glad I'm not that rad. Pick out a vase and pay cash for it. You can't control the lights. Which way they go. They flash and they sash. It's a disco tech. This is a song from a disco tech.! Da da da da da da da da

Disco Tech! Da da da da da da da Oh yes, you had your chance and you made your point, but I can't give you what you want! I got plans for me. Up your sleeve.

But I'm not interested in what you see. I have to feel you out. I have to feel you up. I have to let you know what's up. You can't control the lights. Which way they go. They flash and they flash. But it's no attack. lights which way they go they flash and they flash this is a song

disco tech disco tech Disco Tech! Disco Tech! Wow! Jeff Richards, ladies and gentlemen. Grab his album off iTunes. How exciting. It's been fun having him here the last three weeks.

Another great job, Jeff Richards, discotheque. Get it while you can. He's on Twitter at Tasty Jeff. Josh Martin's on Twitter at Josh Martin Comic. And I forgot to say, Elise Lane is on Twitter, our amazing chef. Her name is spelled E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N. She's on Facebook and Instagram, at thegirlwithapan.

There she is. One more time for Elise Lane, everybody. Cooking us food. Gourmet food that is unbelievable. I eat it each week. It's always delicious. I mean, if you're going to plan a party, if you live here in Los Angeles,

or if you live somewhere close, have her fucking cater that shit. This shit's delicious. It's some of the best food I've had in a long time. Wherever you are, fly her out and have her cook food at your party. Why go with a local chef that doesn't have street cred in the podcast world?

Do they even death squad? They don't even death squad. That's right. You see this right here? He death squads. That's my muscle, everybody. And that's from eating Elyse Lane's cooking. If you want a fucking body like this, like a 13-year-old baby,

go with Elyse Lane. Oh, my new show's out. Fox. Red Band Society. I saw these billboards. Yeah, September 17th, my new show. What I love is that there's 15 people in the billboard and none of them are you.

No, no, that's the Death Squad. You'll see. I'm so waiting to, by the way, every time I drive by one of these, I'm so waiting for you to go graffiti out the D and just have it say Red Band Society. The D stands for Death Squad. That's all I'm saying. There's a twist to this. I hope they didn't

change the original storyline. It's about a young'm saying. There's a twist to this. I hope they didn't change the original storyline. It's about a young podcaster. Podcaster who likes to smoke weed and eat poop. There he is. All right. Well, there's your eat-poo moment of silence for the evening. There it was. In an unfortunate,

unfortunate turn of events, I just want to mention, even though it's a huge bummer, I will not be able to make it to the Kill Tony in the middle of October in Columbus, Ohio. I got this crazy writing gig that signed me to a six-week deal and that we shoot the day after that was scheduled and it was the main thing that I could not possibly get out of. And I'm so bummed and Brian's bummed.

So for those of you listening in Columbus, you probably already know, but I'm not going to be there. Sorry. And we're going to be there again very, very, very, very soon. But we replaced Tony with what people are saying is almost the exact same person. So, you guys are not even going to realize, if you're listening to this, you're not even going to

realize. We didn't even have to tell you, because the guy that we replaced Tony with is so similar. We replaced him with Dean Delere. There you go. It's like night and day. Mirror image. It's going to be cool, though.

We're still coming. We're going to be in Michigan on the 15th, on the 16th, Columbus, Ohio. And on the 17th, we're going to be in Indiana at Morty's. So check it out, DeathSquad.TV. Yes. And back to the goodness, everybody. Each week on this show, we always have a head of security to keep us safe. This week is this guy's fourth time being the patriot for this show.

For those of you that might be new here, we once had a head of security who had a $5,000 suit built like a superhero. After about 30 episodes, he said he got too big for the show and that he wasn't going to come back until it was owned by Comedy Central or another internet company that I can't remember. But he compared that to Comedy Central.

And ever since then, to show him how replaceable he was we've literally replaced him with a brand new person every week this is one of our favorites quadruple patriot ladies and gentlemen it's our autistic friend Joshua Meyer wits he's the autistic patriot everybody you know him. You love him. He's at Autistic Thunder on Twitter. Many people say one of the top ten autistic comedians under 30 today.

That list has changed. I'm 30 now. You're 30? Yeah. Holy shit. All right. Well, you're off that top ten list. Fuck yeah. Josh, you fill out that suit perfectly i know you're the one person who it looks like it was completely made for everybody else it's

always flabby in some parts i mean either they have short arms or they're short or they're big or whatever but you just fit right in that thing like a fucking glove thank you much love joshua myrowitz is truly one of the funniest young comedians that I know of working today. A big, big star. You just did a benefit for autistic people, correct? Yeah, this past Friday in Fullerton. No joke.

Autism show, charity show in Fullerton. First time ever performing for me in front of 500 plus people. Wow. How many of them were autistic? If you had to guess, how many of the 500 were autistic? How many would you guess? I don't know.

I couldn't tell who was autistic and who was drunk. Wow. Did you get heckled at all? No. I did five minutes and I killed, allegedly. Yeah. I like that. Fuck yeah.

Were you dirty or did you do a cleaner set? No. I maybe said the F word once and that's it. Really? The F word. I love it. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Were you dirty or did you do a cleaner set? No, I maybe said the F word once and that's it. Really? The F word? I love it. Fuck. Heck yeah. Now that's fun.

They said that you killed and did people say hi to you after the show or anything? Did you make any fans? Yeah, yeah. It was a really good experience. I'm very grateful for it. Jesus Trejo and Steve Trevino put me up. I appreciate it. Well, there you go.

Thank you, Tony. Of course, Joshua Meyerowitz. He's got autism, but he's also so super Jewish that you can't tell when the Jewish ends and when the autism begins. He's very apologetic and very peacefuletic and just very peaceful and I don't want any

problems so it's like there's sort of a line right in between. I worry. You definitely worry. I worry a lot. Oh, there you go. Much love. Absolutely. And there's his catchphrase, much love, that he says every time things get too weird. Amen.

Josh, you can't laugh like that, by the way. That hard laugh into the mic is going to kill people. No, it's okay. It's all right. Don't apologize. It's all good. I'm just saying. This is the thing that we have to go through. I've been friends with Josh for years. He's one of my best pals. How are you? We go see movies together.

Just one more, two more years until fucking Star Wars. That's right. We're counting down the fucking years. Literally, just one, two more years until fucking Star Wars. That's right. We're counting down the fucking years. Literally, just one or two more years until Star Wars. And then whatever Tarantino's cooking, you know? Of course, the Hateful Eight.

I told my agent manager, I said, I have to have an audition for the Hateful Eight, whatever it takes to get me in there. And they said, ha ha ha, LOL. Guys? Really?

No, no, they're going to try. Of course, man. Are you kidding me? Jesus. Ha ha, LOL. That'd be terrible. That'd be awful. Get new managers, seriously.

No, I love these guys. They're great. All right. Let's do it, shall we? We have two amazing guests tonight. It's both of their first time on the show, so I'm so excited to introduce them to the crazy format and the fun that we have here.

Put your hands together for tonight's guests. It's Matt Fultron and Louis Katz, everybody. Here they are. Hell yeah, son, you better tell them. Ice Cube and I'm on with the motherfucking now lip. It's the number one crew in the... Fun, fun, fun. Thanks for having us, guys.

So happy to be here. I'm glad you guys are here. Josh, can you put this mic where it needs to go? This one? Welcome, everybody. You guys ever work with something that looks like that Patriot? No, but we hung out with him in the green room. Yeah.

The man behind the mask. Yeah. Patriot. Better with the mask, right? He is one neurotic superhero. Oh, yeah. He's really tough, man. No one man should have all that power.

That's what I think. He's very, very intimidating. He just shuts down when you call him. A Moby superhero. Bloop, bloop, bloop. Welcome, guys. Now, Matt, you've seen the show before. You know what bloop, bloop. Welcome, guys. Now, Matt, you've seen the show before. You know what's going on.

Yeah. I explained it to you. Yeah, yeah. I'm really excited to have you guys here. Two of my funniest, most reputable pals. Well, thanks, man. Totally reputable. Everybody loves you guys.

Oh, thank you so much. Nice. You guys are sort of dressed alike tonight. I know. It's the Sean John collection or something. The panel of flannel. Is that what's going on? No, I'm lucky I didn't wear my glasses.

Otherwise, it would have been like fucking... Now, every week, the Patriot always asks our guests a little question so we could find out a little bit more that we may not have known about them. So why don't you fire away, whichever, any way you want to do it, Patriot. Go right ahead. Let's go left to right. Louis. Yes, sir.

You have been writing since you were nine years old. And you've even sent jokes to Johnny Carson, and this is true. He read his jokes live on air. Can we hear some of those jokes? The ones I read for Carson? Yes. You wrote for Carson.

I did. How old were you when this happened? I was nine years old. I got in there early. This is a popular question with radio DJs as it's in my bio and it's what you can read about me online.

It's because I grew up here in LA so they would go and they bring, you know, they want to do a kids say the wackiest things thing. So they went to my school here and they just had us answer a bunch of wacky questions. And I answered them in a hilarious fashion. Got two jokes read on air. Other kids got the jokes read on air too,

but none of them went on to do stand-up comedy. So yeah, that's not really a credit you can use for any kind of normal job. I'd also like to quickly ask, you're originally from Los Angeles. Yes. Now you live in New York. You're a fellow Jew. True. Now that you're away from New York for even just a little bit, do you miss

the bagels? Super Jewish question from three-point range by the Patriot. Sounded Jewish. I mean, you know how it is. Any morning that I can't start without a bagel, I just can't Jew right. I just don't even feel right.

I feel like my nose is shrinking. I don't even feel right, dude. It's horrible. What do you Jew? Good one. Patriot, what's your question for Matt Fultron? You've been on Craig Ferguson. You've had a lot of Central Presents.

Yeah. And you are known as the Fultron. You've been on Craig Ferguson. You've had a Comedy Central Presents. Yeah. And you are known as the Ful Charge. True. What does the Ful Charge mean? Great question. I don't know the answer to this one.

It's a slightly ironic nickname. I don't have a lot of energy, but people still call me the Ful Charge. Some black kid called me the Ful Charge. He couldn't pronounce

Ful Charon. And history was written that that's how it happens. Patriot. I propose this then. I'm known as Autistic Thunder. You're known as full charge. I'm more energetic than you.

Maybe I should have full charge and you could turn on the Autistic Thunder. I don't like Autistic Thunder so much. Maybe Crazy lightning or something and it's the full charge thank you very much crazy lightning oh you're gonna have a tough thank you patriot you're gonna have a rough time trying to trade away that nickname by the way i'm merely being practical i love it well uh fuck yeah fuck yeah. Let's get into it, shall we? Over 20-some comedians signed up for the chance

to get on stage for a minute and chat with us. It's going to be a blast. You guys know how it works. You get 60 seconds. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty cat. Aw, how cute. You got to know how it works in showbiz. That's your time.

You got to wrap it up then or else you bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Oh shit. There he is. Holy moly. There's a whole war. A whole war going on. I'm pretty sure the bear beat all those soldiers that were

fighting. That's what it sounded like to me. It sounded like there was two, maybe more soldiers fighting each other and a bear came in and mauled all of them. So another fallen soldier. Sorry to Elise Lane and her friend who was a soldier.

And I made it weird just then. I can say with no hesitation, I made it weird. Again, follow Elise Lane on Twitter. E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N. There you go. Five more followers. Air strike, standing by. What was that?

Air strike? I don't know. Elise's friend was in the Air Force, everybody. So in honor of him, I already wrote a few jokes to make fun of him. I told her earlier, but since he was in the Air Force, I said he went from 37,000 feet up to six feet under. That was the first one. This is what I do.

This is how I handle death happening. If you know anything about me, the only way for me to deal with it is to make jokes about it. What was the other one I said? Oh, yeah, he's taken the great fighter jet to the sky. She doesn't look happy at all. She's much happier than she looked

when Jeff Richards was singing. So I'm taking it all as a victory. Guys, you guys ready for this? Let's get it started, shall we? It's Kill Tony. Yeah. Here we go. Your first comedian tonight doing 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Alex Duong.

Am I correct? Uh, I think so. Here's why I want to kill Rapunzel. Because he tried to take a motherfucking chunk of the funk. He came to my house, I let him bail. My condolences, Elise, by the way. You're amazing. I made it weird now.

Guys, I'm tired of my friends asking about Asian girls. If I know any, yeah, my mom, my sister, I got cousins. But I'm not gonna introduce you to them if you ask them about them like a used Prius. Come on. And it's like never in a decent you ask them about them like a used Prius. Come on. And it's like never in a decent way. They're always like, hey, man, you got any meth? I mean, Asian girls? And I'm like, no, get away.

And then they'll continue like, you know, like, indulge me. So why with the Asian girls? And they're like, well, they're so docile and obedient. I'm like, oh, like a slave. And they're like, no, no, whoa. Slavery happened to all of us. Like, you're white. It happened because of you.

Technically. I mean, I think that's why black people and Asian people get along so well. We built the railroads. They moseyed on under it. It's like the beginning of a great relationship. Now it's nail salons. We built the railroads, they moseyed on under it.

The beginning of a great relationship, now it's nail salons. Fuck yeah, there you go. I definitely never... I don't know if the nail salon part's gonna take off, but fuck yeah. The rest of that was fun. What's up with the shirt, man? What are you doing?

You look like you just escaped from a Japanese prison camp. You have camouflage cargo shorts on and a French mime shirt. Via a sailboat. What do you keep in that pocket of that shirt? A better shirt? He's got the braces. Alex Duong's got it all.

He's got accessories. It's all lined up. Fuck yeah. I'm a mess. That was good, Alex. You seem really comfortable on stage again. This is your second or third time on Kill Tony? Third.

Third time on Kill Tony. I really liked, like I said, what was that last joke again about the nail salon? I didn't catch that one. I think that's why black people and Asian people get along so well, because we built the railroads and they moseyed on under it we got that one and now it's like nail salons keeping you guys beautiful all right that checks out i got you keeping you guys beautiful would be a better tag than just nail salon like you guys i would say you know something after nail salon wigail and wigs. Oh, yeah. Maybe something. Yeah. I like it.

Are your friends really hitting you up about Asian girls? They are. They are. They come to my shows, too, and they're like, oh, great set up.

By the way, you know any Asian girls? I'm like, what the fuck? Get the hell out of my face. They don't just see if there's Asian girls there and not, or they can't.

No, they feel like I'm an ambassador or something. Do you live in Chinatown or something? Do you live in one of those areas? No, I live in Pasadena. You live in Chinatown? Let's fuck those.

It's called Koreatown, Red Band. So do you live in the Ding Dong Dong town? Oh my God. I guess it was sort of a silly question. Yeah, it was. But i was trying to figure out why they would ask you that like i mean i would ask you that if you lived in chinatown but uh they're just assuming that you like go to asian meetup groups or something i would absolutely probably have said that exact same question if he didn't ask this or say this already on stage

after the show. Hey, do you know any Asian girls? That's just a typical thing. People that like Asian girls, they find an Asian and they go, that's my in. I'm going to cosign. The only thing else you do is go to

cosigner. That's better than the Prius. On the expanded version, it's like a four to six minute set. I go off on my whole culture and bringings and gentrification and all that all together. Do white people actually say we all were slaves? What was that line? Relax. Slavery.

I'm like, what are you looking for? A slave? Relax. It happened to everybody It's one of those Like, I guess, trying to downplay You've heard that a lot, though? You got Jewish friends, huh? They love to bring up that Egypt shit

They love to bring up the Egypt shit My reps They're not your friends Always remember that Are you from LA, Alex? No, I'm from Texas. Dallas. How long have you lived in L.A.?

About seven years. Wow. How old are you? I'm 30. Wow. God damn it, man. Oh, it sucks being white. I was fucking...

It is the worst. You look beautiful. Oh, man. Thank you so much. Seriously. You could pass for... I bet you could... Do you get carded for cigarettes and shit?

I get carded for everything. Really? Man. I still go in for, like, high school roles. Nickelodeon loves me, apparently. He just keeps the braces on to get cast and stuff. Yeah, these are... These are like...

They're ornamental. Takes 15 years off. Thank you. You don't want to smoke with braces on, though. They take them off, you got little squares on your teeth. Remember that. I have a little electronic cigarette, so that saves that. Fuck yeah, I bet you do.

Patriot, you want to say something? You got your hands up over there. Oh, no, I was just protecting. Oh, very good. I'm not Korean, motherfucker. What are you? What kind of... God damn this.

Talking shit to a superhero. What kind of Asian are you? I'm mixed. My mother's Vietnamese, French, dad's Chinese. Vietnamese, French? Yep. Wow, so that's where you got the shirt from. Perfect.

Yeah. It's a mime shirt. Yeah, it's got a mime vibe to it, for sure. Voilà, the old Navy is here. I'm going to get some egg roll. And do you really think like, I don't think that's, your friends are also like, they're hoping these Asian girls will be docile.

Yeah, they're like. Have they met Asian women before? Because I've never experienced that. It's really a thing. What? You know, Asian women, or that's what my mom says. I go to, you know, Asia to find you

a nice Vietnamese girl. She could clean everything for you. You don't have to worry about nothing. I'm like, that's slave. And that's also you got to go to Asia because these Asian women around here are not

fucking having that shit. My experience. Or they go after Jewish guys. Yeah, they do go after Jewish guys. You were kind of fucked even for hooking up with Asian girls yourself. You should ask yourself

where the Asian girls hang out because they just hang out with all Jewish dudes. that's kind of i know like it's hard right they're all in like brentwood the asians are yeah yeah usc i mean you yeah usc ucla i'm sorry yeah wow you're going for the college checks huh alhambra you've been to alhambra yeah boiling boiling crab it's fucking gold, man. That was just funny the way you said it.

I don't ask anybody where the Asians are. I just go to Alhambra. Yo, bro, get some pho, bro. Are you into Asian girls? For a while I was. Now I just date a woman

that can make me laugh and look good. Jesus, look at this guy looking for personality, everybody. That's good. So for all you chicks that like real bullshitters,

I think you have a bachelor up here. You know, I just like a woman that'll make me laugh long walks on the beach. And lick my gooch. No, I'm sorry.

Are you into that? Yeah. Really? What? Yeah. Into what? Butt play. Gooch licking? Yeah. Gooch licking?

Gooch licking, I guess, specifically. You know, a woman goes down, and they just go a little further downtown, and you're just like, oh, hello. No. I hate that. I hate that. When I'm at the massage parlor, and they're sticking a finger in my butt, I hate that. Oh, no, no, no.

That's a violation. How far downtown are we talking? Like, USC Coliseum, or not USC. I said that wrong. Dodger Stadium or... Nothing past the 110. Perfect. Well, there you go. Alex Duong, everybody.

Good job, Alex. He's on Twitter at Dapper Duong. All one word. Dapper. job, Alex. Thank you guys so much. He's on Twitter at Dapper Duong. All one word. Dapper, D-U-O-N-G. He's on Twitter. Yo, Josh, can I get a Budweiser, man? Sorry, go ahead, Tom. Fuck yeah.

Bottle or tap? That's the real question. A tap. And a Bud Light for me. I'm watching my figure. Tap, please. There you go. A Bud and a Bud Light.

Getting cooler in here, guys. You can feel it. The energies are cool. Josh, how uncomfortable are you right now on a scale from 1 to 10? Give it a good 7. You can relax. You don't have to hold your hands up. It'll be over in three hours.

I'm totally doing that. Okay. Whatever you want. You could also like Michael Jackson Thriller lay down over there if you want to. Take a seat, man. Like a tiger. Whatever you need. Even a superhero's got Jackson thriller lay down over there if you want to. Take a seat, man. Like a tiger. Whatever you need. Even a superhero's

got to take a lunch break. I'm security, man. I got to stand up the whole time and show some force. Put your hands together for Autistic Patriot. Yeah!

Keeping us safe. No break. I'm there. Ah. Yeah. Done. Third. Put your hands together

for your next comic, everybody. She goes by the name of Sarah Kenny. There's this cliche that there's a lot of women that like to date assholes. You know, but I, I like to date a nice guy. You know, they say that women like to date assholes. But I like to date a nice guy.

They say that women like to date assholes because they like the challenge of the pursuit. That's why they like a player. But I like the challenge of turning a guy into an asshole. I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty good at it. If you want to brag, but I'm pretty good at it. You know, if you want to conserve water, you shouldn't flush the toilet every time you go to the bathroom. That's why there's that saying,

if it's yellow, let it mellow. And then sometimes for me, it's like, if it's red, oh, thank God. It's been that kind of month, you know? I swung by the sperm bank earlier today. I'm not trying to have a kid. I just like to keep a sample of decoy semen on me in case I want to commit a crime.

You know, like, I might dine and ditch later. Whoa, she brought out the bear at a minute, seven seconds. That was a pretty lenient bear. That's probably the most lenient I've ever seen the bear, by the way. I gave it two meows because I liked her. They were little baby meows. If I really like your set, I'll give you two meows. I didn't hear the meow.

I didn't hear the meow at all, no. I didn't either. Because you were too focused looking on those legs. Whoa. I know. That was fun, Sarah. You've done this show quite a bit. That's probably the best set I've seen you have.

That's so fun. Thanks. What was that first one? Assholes. Assholes. Oh, yeah. Nice guys to assholes. That's really smart.

That was great. Thank you. The yellow is mellow one. You can almost just do the mellow yellow theme or jingle there. If it's mellow yellow. Or add a little sing. There's a flush tie in there, too. Aren't you flushing your body and you need to flush?

I can't write it for you exactly, but it's the same word. Like a purge kind of thing happening. Yeah, I could extend it in some way. It is short, and I would like to add on to it, but I haven't really come up with another good tag. I would just suggest it could be beets when it's red. That's all. That's not really about it.

I'm just saying you might have eaten beets. That's 100% true. That's more neon pink than red. That's true. Have you been doing a lot of spots, staying busy lately? I have, yeah yeah i just got back from chicago i did a couple spots there oh me too i was just there where did you um i did zanies and rosemont oh the newbie zanies okay all right all right um yeah and then uh just uh

in grand rapids is it just as zany as the one in the city? It may be a little less zany. Oh, man. That's tough. Heck yeah. So, yeah. So there was Turn Them Into Assholes. And you got to laugh on that.

You're sort of just announcing a premise, really. Like, that's the start of... I feel like that's not the whole the whole thing you know there's a lot more that you could delve into there about like how do you uh how do you turn them into assholes how would you do that in real life not as a joke like in real i'm just asking well no i think that um but i mean they all do right well a lot of people have ended up in relationships where somebody brings out the worst in you. Of course, that's always how they end. Or you bring out the worst in them. That's how it happens.

And that's why everybody laughs, because they connect to it. But you're the one saying it. So I'm asking you, if you notice those things, you're going to be... Just like they laughed then, because you talked about something

that affects everybody. If you mentioned the actual like things in project progress of it um those are all more laughs to come right i thought i've even saying like i ran into the last guy i dated and he won't even make eye contact with me or something yeah like some crappy thing that now is signifying the horrible trajectory that happened after he became an asshole. And I think it's like when you first met him, examples of how he was nice. And then the examples of how he became an asshole.

And examples of what you did. Yeah. What you did. That's true. And then you can flip it and bag on him after that. Yeah. No one's that innocent. Yeah.

Not even a nice guy. You know, autistic patriot Josh Meyerowitz is single and Are you looking to become an asshole? No. He literally couldn't. He's autistic so he couldn't be an asshole if he tried. He's all apologies.

I bring love. Much love. Look at that. You set yourself up on that one. No, I at that. You set yourself up on that one. No, I'm a romantic. I literally get hard on romantic thoughts and feelings. Wait a second, what? I literally get hard on romantic thoughts and feelings.

If you get a boner at any point during the show, just let us know. We'll know. That would be awesome. It's tight enough. All the lights get brighter on his hands. He's already got a mic up to his dick. We're just going to hear it.

The punk. Sarah, do you date a lot? Less so since I started comedy. It tends to eat up a lot of time. This is a real comic, ladies and gentlemen. Congratulations. But I had a lot of dating prior to that that I can work off of.

Right. Josh, would you ever date Sarah? Yeah. Let's not do this. Okay, thank you. No, you stay right there. Josh, where would you take Sarah on your first date? I'll keep it casual. I know a good Japanese ramen place down the street. Hollywood Boulevard?

No, no. There's some shitty places there. No, there's a nice one on... Can I plug a place? Yeah, sure. Go ahead. There's a really good place. It used to be known as Takara Ramen. They, I guess, at least changed their name to Urban Ramen on Sunset near Martel. It's very

good. Okay. Yeah, and you can have Alex Duong wait on you. Bring me those chopsticks. He brings the silverware and I'm not just talking about when he smiles. Boo! What types of guys are you

into? Have you hooked up with any different races or anything since you've been in the melting pot of los angeles um is there a certain type of guy that you like i don't think i have a type i mean like physically i guess like tall do a lot of comedians flirt with you because i mean it's a very uh testosterone filled business and if you're doing a lot of open mics I mean you're running into a lot of the same people yeah it happens it happens

do you try to not date comics or I mean I've done it a little bit it just happens by default obviously but it doesn't it seems like a bad recipe it's kind of it's a horrible recipe it's like dating at the office yeah yeah you know what's not a bad recipe. It's kind of... It's a horrible recipe. It's like dating at the office. Yeah, yeah.

You know what's not a bad recipe? Anything that Elyse Lane cooks, everybody. She's having a... That's right. Still in the pocket. Sarah, that was awesome. Great job. Thank you so much. Thanks for talking with us.

Sarah Kenny, everybody. That was definitely her best set. She'satantly showing great improvement, which I think is one of the coolest things about this show is you get to see

a lot of different things. Sometimes it's somebody's first time ever doing stand-up and they kill. Sometimes it's their first time and it's not so great. Bobbity-bob.

There's all these different situations, but to watch somebody constantly get better, it's always fun. So one more time for Sarah Kenny, everybody. She's on Twitter at SKennyComedy. That's all these different situations, but to watch somebody constantly get better, it's always fun. So one more time for Sarah Kenny, everybody. She's on Twitter at SKennyComedy. That's all one word, no underscores.

S-Kenny, as in skinny, comedy, all one word. There's always a question I like to ask guests when it's their first time on the show, and that question is, is there anything that you guys did when you very first started stand-up comedy that you can't believe that you did? And you look back on it like, I can't believe I said that. I can't believe I tried that, experimented with that. It's sort of like out of your wheelhouse, and you can't believe that you did it back then, but maybe in the first couple months or something. I had a joke about getting a tattoo of an M on each ass cheek and then bending over, and it said, Mom.

Which is fucking horrible right but then I read it in like a George Carlin like a book of George Carlin material yeah so I thought it was awful

the audience thought it was awful but George Carlin had the same idea so fuck it yeah no it's true George Carlin

sort of wrote just about everything exactly it's really crazy with that and I also had ideas I never did like I was gonna wear

a cop outfit and be Officer Laugh. And I was going to wear a cowboy outfit and be Kid Comedy. You did this on stage? No, man. I just thought of it in my crazy, crazy head. And then never did it. I look good in a time. I had

concepts and costumes for characters and I actually did them. I don't regret it, but I just wouldn't do it again because it was it involved wearing a gold diaper and uh a cape and high heels and it would be very awkward at the open mics to change in the bathroom into this diaper and it's good when it when it kills it feels good you know nothing feels better than killing while wearing a diaper but when you eat it and you're wearing a diaper, there's not much lower than that. What was the basis of this character? Who wears a high-heels, a gold diaper, and a cape?

Well, when I was in college, I was smoking a lot of weed and listening to a lot of Parliament. Funky. And I invented this character called the Archduke, pimped from the 18th century. It was kind of like 2,000-year-old man meets Dolomite. I wore a powdered

wig and a gold diaper and I told very filthy historical jokes. It was a classic character but I will no longer put on a diaper just for anything. As you reach a limit after certain years of comedy, you say, I'm going to put on a diaper just for anything. As you reach a limit after certain years of comedy you say, I'm going to put on a diaper

then you have to pay me. Was the diaper stemmed from any personal sexual thing? I'm not into that. Actually, I did. One of my ideas when I was first open micing it was just to wear some Depends and just take a shit on stage. But I never did that.

The gold diaper was actually, there is a dude in Parliament i think one of the bass not the bass player one of the guitarists i don't know if it's eddie hazel or what he wore a diaper and i was like that looks cool you know just to see a grown-up wearing a diaper you know i actually wore depends and shit in a target and i talk about it on stage but i've never shit on stage and depends we we had the luxury of starting comedy before camera phones and the internet. Yeah. So that's a beautiful thing. Yeah.

You know, no one can put him in a diaper up on the internet. Josh, you've been doing comedy a few years, and you've been the patriot four times. I probably never asked you that. Is there anything you did when you very, very first started that you can't believe you did? I was just thinking back as you were asking them the question. Honestly, I didn't start out good,

but I never had anything that was too, like, shitty. Like, like... He makes certain noises that makes you feel bad for him mid-sentence. Like what? Oh, I, I, I, I, I, I, but I... That noise that I never make unless I'm doing an impression of you doing it like I just did.

It's okay. I made it weird again, guys. What do I have to do? Doesn't one of those weird Elyse Lane's friends dying cancel that one out? Alright, guys. I did it again. God damn it.

That's like when the Undertaker digs a grave and he's done. It's six feet. Give him the bear. You know what? Let's just fucking. I got it. Let's keep it moving along.

Your next comedian tonight, everybody, goes by the name of Marcos Martinez. Man. Like your budget. in the parking lot who ain't got nothing. I'm trying to prove something. We be the niggas who be coming on our way. Get them very high. Get them very high. Second time on the microphone. My name is Marcos Martinez Marcos for all you white people.

Black people, I can't really see you. Sorry. Oh, holy shit. So I've moved to Hollywood just a couple months, you know, whatever, whatever. Hanging out on Hollywood, meeting girls, sexy drinking, awesome. Bringing them back to my place. All right, that's a lie. I took her back to her place, and it did not turn out good.

First, she had a cat that's one issue where guys if you go home with her and she has a cat strike one okay i'll start there why because it the story gets worse it starts with a cat okay so i'm there she has a cat I'm like fuck it we're still gonna fuck that's one of my rules but fuck it I'm gonna fuck her we're doing it

you know and we're going at it we're both like we don't know who's gonna finish first me or her but we're still going

and it's like what the fuck there's a rooster I thought it was a cat. She was a guy. Fucking Hollywood. Oh, my God. You've got to be kidding me.

Is that actually how that ends? Or did you just get scared when you heard the bear? No, that was... She was a guy. Fucking Hollywood. Is this a true story? No. I mean... Because I know for a fact, like, trannies are afraid of cats.

It's something that... We both know that. That's why I strike one. Transgenders, Tony. Okay. Sure. So, Marcos. Thank you. Yes. Second time on stage. Second time. We know that because you said that right when you second time on stage second time we know that

because you said that right when you got up on stage I got a fucking this is what I wrote down for the rest of your career you should announce which time it is on stage like I think that would be

really fucking funny 683rd time on stage fucks up and by the time it gets to fucking four digits it's gonna be fucking there's gonna be some confidence there that it's gonna be unbelievable and the audience is gonna fucking know fuck you I've done it a thousand times

I got my 10,000 hours motherfucker y'all I don't give a shit that part was awesome you had us laughing in three seconds when you go on to say black people I can't see you don't say that anymore

don't ever say that again the last thing you need to be doing while looking like a baby Carlos Mencia is say something that's been said a thousand times before although I do appreciate that you've got a business casual look and you still are kind of dirty and kind of racist. That kind of makes me laugh.

You know what I mean? So I think we're not saying don't be racist. Never saying that. There's a lot of humor in that. Just be original with it. But that one, it wasn't as original as it could be. But I say stick with this look. Announce how many times you've been on stage

and fucking tell rude goddamn jokes. I think you're headed in the right direction, to be honest. I noticed at one point when you were talking about the cat, Louis and I both organically leaned forward wondering when you were going to get to why the cat is a strike one.

And you really never acknowledged it. You said cat is strike one because there's more you gotta know. The audience is dying for you to shit on girls with cats. That's all we want out of life. So just give us a little bit more. Without making a pussy joke.

And you call something sexy drinking, which I don't know what that is or if that's a way to drink, but I would be into that. That's a hashtag eventually, you know? Sexy drinking. How old are you? 22. Wow.

22. Bam. That's right. And you just moved to Hollywood? Yeah, I'm in Riverside right now, so I travel. I come in. You guys hear that comment? Go get here.

Go get here. You're here right now. That's how fast your confidence drops when you live in Riverside, by the way. I'm 22. Bam. You live in L.A.? 30 miles away. That's your O-face sound.

Sort of Riverside. Oh, boy, that was depressing. You are the best-dressed young man to ever come out of Riverside. They must be really surprised. What's that thing around that guy's neck? Where's his tattoos? That's a collar, Trevor. What gang is that guy in?

If I saw myself in clothes like those, I'd have to kick my own ass. Whoa, look at that. Whoa. Fuck yeah. Who is that? I'm Sandler. Happy Gilmore. Oh Fuck yeah. Who is that? I'm Sandler. I'm Sandler. Happy Gilmore.

Come on. Oh, yeah. Autism. Sorry, I did. When you're wondering, hey, this guy doesn't seem that autistic. Sorry, patriots. Throw out a fucking movie line. See if he's not autistic.

Has anybody told you that you look like a baby Carlos Mencia? No, that's the first time. You need to be talking about that. And about what a curse that is. I'm going to start stealing jokes then. No, don't do that. That steals our jokes. Yeah, you just got to, you know. I would mention it.

Maybe not, actually. Fuck that guy. Yeah, don't even bring him up. Mention it late in the set and see how it goes. You're so happy and positive. Your energy on stage is really fun. You can pretty much talk about anything. Just make sure there's a point. Don't just babble. I think you're

going to work great because you have a very likable feeling on stage. I would just start wearing t-shirts and jeans though when you're on stage. But for the record, full charge says no. Just keep what you're doing. I like what you're wearing. For the record.

It seems like a very heavyweight fabric. It's very hot out today. So that's what concerns me. But other than that, maybe the same thing, a little more breathable, some linens.

You're good to go. Applied shirt. What have you been doing before starting stand-up? School. UC Riverside represent. UC Riverside? Nobody here.

Oh, my God. What did you get your master's in? Media and cultural studies. Make some movies. That's where the black joke came from. So you graduated

from UC Riverside. I just did recently, last summer. And when did you do your first spot on stage? Where was that at? Right here at the Comedy Store. Was that tonight? No.

Two weeks ago. Palm Buck? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Two weeks ago. How'd that go? No, worse than this. I got last this time.

That's good. It's getting better. That other room's really tough. Yeah. Yeah. These are the givers. Thank you, givers. Well, there you go. 22-year-old

Marcos Martinez, his second time ever on stage, everybody. Good job, man. You're going to know when it's his third time because he's going to say it to open up his set. Do that. Please do that. If you don't do that, I'm fucking doing it. He's on...

He's on Twitter at oompa61. that. Please do that. If you don't do that, I'm fucking doing it. He's on Twitter at oompa61. Yeah, I got it, fucko. UNPA61. There he goes. Ned Holcomb Jr., everybody. Yes? So I've been thinking back during that guy's set of the jokes I

started out with that weren't that good. I did one about, like, I like Chipotle so much, I started out with that weren't that good. I did one about like, I like Chipotle so much, I can't with my own tagline, Chipotle, because some of that shit ain't going to be, oh, fuck it, fuck.

See, that, it was that bad. Or if I was Robocop, what kind of gadgets I'd have on me, like knives for me. If you were Robocop. Are you running another

unfinished bit on us? He is Robocop. Not unfinished, i just haven't done it since ever like robocop gadgets like if i had knives for feet or a mighty penis beam okay all right that's why it doesn't work can you do all the dialogue from billy madison go you going to make his head explode. All right, credits roll. Norm Macdonald walks in with a pickle. Am I getting the right movie?

I don't fucking know. I think so. Let's keep it moving along. Your next comedian tonight goes by the name of Jeremy McKiernan. Yeah! Shake him up, shake him up,

shake him up, shake him. Roll him in a circle of niggas and watch me break him with the... Hello. it hello I recently saw my ex-girlfriend on tinder while I was browsing and it surprised me because we had just broken up a couple weeks ago it's pretty bad breakup we stopped talking so then I see her and she's back. And I didn't know what to do so I just clicked like. Oh no.

And we had a lot of mutual friends. And the crazy thing is, the next thing that happened is it said that she hit like too. So we matched. So I'm pretty sure we're back together.

I spent a few days trying to figure out what message to send her that to be something good. And I wanted to write how I was feeling. So I wrote, hi, and then a sad face. And she blocked me instantly. It really bummed me out because I really...

Yeah, that's it. Thanks. Yeah! All right. What did she respond with after the hi, sad face? Oh, she blocked me instantly. I didn't see her on Tinder anymore. Gotcha. And then what was going to be the rest of that? Did you have more?

Yeah, I have some more. What else? It's a great premise. I was going to say that I wanted to try to get back together with her just using dating apps and then I couldn't find her on OkCupid. And I think the story would eventually end where I find her on Craigslist.

And it goes on a little bit. I was thinking you were going to go Grindr and she got some kind of weird surgery to give her a dick. I don't know what it was. That's where I thought you were going to go. I was thinking like black people and me. But she's Latino. Christian Mingle. There's a lot of opportunities for this show. You never know. You could just send it like Marco Martinez.

She was a dude! Riverside alum. What do you guys think of doing jokes about things like Tinder and J-Date and all the... It seems like everybody kind of has... Tinder is the new airplane

peanuts, I think. But I really like this one. I think it's really good. I would say you could get to the punchline a lot quicker. But I think it Right, yeah. But I really like this one. I think it's really good. I would say you could get to the punchline a lot quicker, but I think it's good. I think you have the best Tinder joke I've heard, to be honest with you. Oh, thanks.

I've got one, too. Wait till you hear mine. But I thought it was really funny. I thought it was great. The only thing, I found your shoes distracting. I think they look really fucked up. These are my dad's shoes.

I was looking at the shoes and I was trying to pay attention, but I kept looking at how ugly they were. They tie in the front. These are my dad's shoes. I stole them from him. They look like dad's shoes. My dad has those shoes. Steal them while you're camping?

Is your dad a doctor? He's a photographer. That sounds like a pickup line. Wilderness photos, right? No. Is your dad a doctor? He's a photographer. That sounds like a pickup line. Wilderness, though. Wilderness photos, right? No. No?

You should also say what time it is, like how many times you've been on stage as soon as you walk up. So people know where you're coming from. I know. You know what I mean? 56. He did have really nice shoes, though. So I would say that's one thing you can learn from him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta get my shoe. I mean, they're really like would say that's one thing you can learn from him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get my shoe. I mean, they're really, like, they're distractingly fucked up. I'm serious. They're, like, open on the sides but green, right? So it sort of blends in. They're kind of like hiking jester shoes, I feel like. That's a lot of ventilation going on there.

I don't have to tie them, though. Seriously, though. I would go Velcro,cro then if that's your issue is you can't tie shoes. That's also a reason to just wear socks but you shouldn't do that either.

You should Google like the 100 top dating sites or whatever and just fucking write a joke for each and hopefully you get like 20 out of that.

Like I really think you could go forever with this one. I think it's the gift that's going to keep on giving to be honest with you because there's always going to be a newer scummier website that's going to fucking hook you up and you could go forever with this one. I think it's the gift that's going to keep on giving, to be honest with you. Because there's always going to be a newer, scummier website that's going to fucking hook you up.

And you can go porn on this one, right, Red Band? Farmers Only. You can go straight to XXNX. Is that what it's called? Fucking Farmers Only. Oh, Farmers Only. You could end up in a DP with Louis Katz. Like, you can fucking... All right, that's an exciting show, but whatever.

How long have you been doing comedy? Like four months. Wow, you're very comfortable. I've been doing improv for about four years. Okay, that's it. 100%. Okay, so quit improv. Yeah, quit improv.

No, I'm just kidding. Where were you doing it at? Out here? Yeah. I mean, Iowa West. Yeah. You from LA? I'm from Boston originally.

Gotcha. Yeah, But I've been here for a while. Your dad's a photographer? Photojournalist, yeah. He has a photojournalist agency. That's awesome. What's the difference between a photojournalist and a photographer? I mean, photojournalist is... Employment. Employment, right? It's more like paparazzi,

but there's like tasteful photojournalists if it's a story going on, you know. Right. And then photography could be anything from like studio stuff to nature or whatever. Is he a big stoner? He actually is, yeah. Yeah. You know how I know? How? The shoes. It's

gotta be the shoes! There's no doubt about it. Those are such stoner hippie shoes. Because there's so much ventilation. They wrap around on the top and the bottom, but on the sides, if you look, they're just little tiny screens. That's like a shoe for a guy

with a stinky foot. You probably have genetically stinky feet. That's why you took them. Am I correct? It's a hot day in Los Angeles. You're like, I need to wear the fucking Nike vents. And I got orthotics and these fit well with the orthotics. Oh, man.

There's a lot to these shoes. You didn't have to talk about the accessories that you have inside of the shoe. Sorry to brag. Fuck yeah. Well, very funny, Jeremy. Good stuff. Great job. Yeah, keep coming back.

Good job. There you go, people. You can go do improv all you want, but the truth is you're just going to keep coming to Big Daddy's stand-up at the end of the day. He's on Twitter at Jeremy Face. That's a very funny styling. So Jeremy McKiernan. Hey, Tony.

Sure. Can I, for obsessive-compulsive sake, finish that Chipotle joke I remembered? Kill it. Kill it. This is so Chipotle of you to start it and then 20 minutes later eat the rest of it, right? Chipotle, I like it so much I came up with my own tagline.

Chipotle, because some of that shit ain't going to be digested. There you go. You brought out the barking full charge. I bark when jokes are good. Oh, much love. Yeah. I don't believe you, but much love.

No, I do. That's Tony. That's Tony. Yeah. Only when the jokes are really, really great. You really seem like a robot to me. It's tripping me out, man. Well, I am autistic.

This is so much fun everybody's going to be autistic eventually right isn't that where we're headed pretty much you're ahead of the curve with the cell phones and everything

autistic and Mexican autistic autistic Mexicans are the future when you ever see that South Park episode everyone blends in that's the direction

America's going it really is like the Google glasses is definitely next and you know then everybody's going to be wearing is. The Google Glasses is definitely next. And then everybody's going to be wearing those. And you're not going to know when somebody's watching something or not. So people are just going to be standing around like this.

And you might say hi. You might wave to them and shit. But you don't know. These things turn into screens. Can you do the first act of Waterboy? That one I don't remember as much. I like it. Just tackle somebody. Very good. Very good. He nailed it.

By the way, that is the best Adam Sandler impression I've ever heard. It takes a truly autistic young man to fire that off. That really comes from the heart. Can I hear that one more time, you're Adam Sandler? Because let's not call that Waterboy from now on. From now on, you should just say, I do a killer Adam Sandler impression.

Oh, my God, yes. Why don't you touch the hiney? All right. Don't do that part. Just do only the moaning part. Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Jeff Kubler. Jeff Kubler.

Uh-oh. Shit, you know what that means. Jeff, you just got blacklisted. Suck a dick. There you go. That's what happens people you don't want to not show up for your spot this is all it's a pussy move let's face it So I'm 27 now, but when I was 15, I was the dry humping king. And what the bitches didn't know is I always finished. My daddy tried to give me some advice.

He's like, Watt, don't ever take no for an answer, because that's the attitude of a winner. No, that's the attitude of a rapist. Dad, thanks for the advice, but now I'm in jail. Yeah, and my cellmate has the attitude of a winner. I had to be on Ritalin when we were learning about Christopher Columbus. Come to find out later, he was a genocide leader,

a slave trader, a slave trader, a gay man, and possibly a pedophile. I'm like, bitch, if you just told me the truth, I wouldn't have needed the Ritalin. Every day of school would be like a new episode of Game of Thrones. I'd be making dioramas. Here's Columbus raping a tribal leader. Here's Columbus playing soccer with a severed head. See, I'm not crazy. I don't need medication. Learning is fun. There it is.

One minute. Watt Smith bringing the fucking thunder, man. Now, I've known you for a while, right? You've been doing stand-up a few years in L.A.? Yeah, four years. I love that you would swing through and pop in on this show. That was great. They got the quickest laugh

and a legit laugh right off the bat just that flip was really funny you do however look like shit for being 27 you do I've noticed you've gained some weight in the last couple years and it's all going to the same fucking spot isn't it

is that just weight is there something going on I'm fucking spot, isn't it? Is that just weight? Is there something going on? I'm pregnant. It really looks like it. You have an interesting little pot belly on you. It really didn't go anywhere. Everyone seems to notice that. If I had warts on my face, I don't think you'd be like, hey, you have warts on your face. There's ways to dress around that. You're wearing a

medium. You're wearing a shirt that you had in 2006. I know that because it says 2006 on the front. It literally does. I bought new pants, though. And, you know, you blatantly, how much, if you had to guess how much weight you've gained in the last couple years? About 35. 35 fucking pounds. That's what it looks like right there. It's actually shaped exactly like a 35-pound kettlebell that I just bought to work out with.

Yeah. Yeah. Man, you got real nice like Aryan features if you just lose the weight, man. You're a beautiful man. I knew you were going to make fun of me

for the weight. No, we're complimenting you. Are you tickling me? Oh, saying how beautiful you could be. Okay. Try that on Tinder. Just get rid of some of you

and then you're fucking beautiful. But, I had an idea. I had an idea. You said you're, you had a beautiful but i had an idea i had an idea you said you're um you had a title for yourself when you were 15 right yeah what about a title for yourself now you know what i mean i i am this now yeah i like masturbated more this morning than i did in the past like 48 hours so what's your title jerks a a lot. Sir Jerks a lot. That's pretty good. How many times was that this morning? More than I could come. I felt like the king again.

You dry heaved? It was the turn of the kings. You've been cumming a lot, but it doesn't look like you've taken a shit in weeks. Oh my god. You were talking about shoes before. Guys, what do we think about this open toe? No, hide the toes. Dark? No, hide the toes. Darker pants, hide the toes.

I was just joking because you guys were like, you guys should lose some weight. You're pretty if you lose some weight. And then I was like, how's your feet? And then I look over and I'm like, oh shit, there's his feet right there. My toes are skinny. You can't have that in life and definitely not on stage. Are you married to the idea of flip-flops or is it just

because it's 102 today? I live in Venice. I was going to ask you. I've never seen somebody with a pot belly and kettle feet before. I knew that wouldn't work. I do like the feet. I think you've got a very Brian Wilson, you know, like I'm kind of crazy, I live in the beach kind of

vibe. I'm friends with Manson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A very Brian Wilson, you know, like I'm kind of crazy, I live in the beach kind of vibe. I'm friends with Manson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A very Brian Wilson. Yes. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, baby. I think that was Dennis. Whatever.

I support the sandals. It's hot out, man. You can live your life. Word. That's all I want. That's all I want. What about that? There was one line in the Ritalin thing where I got confused.

Then you brought it back around with the dioramas i love any reference to a diorama i support that but then there was something before that where you're like i don't i just didn't understand it was confusing to me but i'd like the joke so i'm just saying maybe that line is you said the word rape twice in one minute that was fucking amazing yeah well i think i think for this audience is fine but But it might be a more subtle way Or maybe save it for the end Blah blah blah Keep in mind you were really funny

It's a good joke Do you talk about the recent weight gain? No I mean it's blatant I knew you a couple years ago And you gained 35 pounds since then It's all gone to the same part I was selling DirecTV at Costco. Say that again?

I was selling DirecTV at Costco out in Virginia. So that's like bulk DirecTV? Well, I just got bored during the day, so I would go drink the geladas over at 7-Eleven. You would drink what? Gelada. It's like Clamato juice with tomato. That's not it.

It's the fucking alcohol. Oh, yeah, okay. So I would drink all those during the day. Nobody knew except for me. It's like Clamato juice with tomato That's not it, it's the fucking alcohol Oh yeah, okay So I would drink all those during the day Nobody knew, except for me I gained like 35 pounds over like Three or four months How old are you?

27 Yeah, it starts happening around there Your metabolism's gone You're gonna stay that And then you're gonna lose it once You're gonna try Weight Watchers And then you're gonna look lose it once. You're going to try Weight Watchers, and then you're going to look like AIDS, and then you're just going to go back to your normal weight. The good news is you're going to give up on life around 35, so don't feel bad.

It doesn't matter how fat you are. I've never heard of anybody getting a Clamato and Budweiser combination addiction. Josh, can I get a Clamato and Budweiser, please? How many of those were you drinking a day? Like three. About three. While selling DirecTV at a Costco. Yeah, it sells itself.

It's a great product. That's hilarious. So do you talk about the recent weight gain? You do. Yeah, I talk about how everybody points it out, and it just makes me Want to eat more Does it really

Yeah you know Feelings need chocolate Oh you're gonna end up Being fucking huge There's gonna be a time Like a few years from now Where I see I'm wearing A 2014 Amnesty International shirt

Triple X And he's gonna be Busting out of that one too. It's going to be a halter. I like getting a little fat because I can see my cheeks wherever I walk and it looks like

I have huge tits. What? There you go, Wad. Keep it going. That's why I jerk off here. You have an inspiration here. One day you could be Red Band. With titties on your face.

Titty bands. A lot of people. People love bonds with big tits, Wad. Titty band. With titties on your face. Titty band. People love ones with big tits. Titty band. Titty band. What? Very funny. Yeah.

Great stuff. Great stuff. Great set. Thank you so much. Watch this. Slim down, joke up. Bring in the fun. He's got a Gandhi quote

on the back. He's got a Gandhi quote on the back. If you wish to change the world, drink Clamato with Budweiser. He did two rape jokes in a minute and he's got a Gandhi quote on the back. If you wish to change the world, drink Clamato with Budweiser. He did two rape jokes in a minute and he's got a Gandhi quote on the back of his shirt.

Watt Smith is on Twitter at all one word. Watt Smith. W-A-T-T Smith. Very, very funny. He was awesome. Thanks for coming on, Watt. That was great. Fuck yeah. Would you do the final scene of Punch Drunk Love? I haven't watched it yet.

It's a sad one. Yeah, I know. What would Adam Sandler sound like in that movie? Perfect. You fucking dunked that alley-oop. You monster. you fucking dunked that alley you you monster cold-blooded killer you are your hands gonna be your next comic another new name this is exciting matt nino everybody matt nino Josh. Josh. We always take my car because it's hot. Alright, so today marks a very special day for me.

It's the anniversary of my father's death. He died seven years ago. In order to celebrate, I let my older gay man friend sketch me in the nude, right? But I told him I wanted to look like I could bowl with no hands, so he drew me with three dicks. Alright? But then he drew me with three dicks. All right?

But then he blew me afterwards. Like, didn't even finish the sketch. His hand was shaking so bad because he was so thirsty for dick. So then he goes down on me. It's like he's moving way too fast. And I'm not saying, like, you put the moves on too fast. I was fine with that. But his movement was just like there was teeth involved.

So afterwards I left, right? And I was feeling kind of gay, so movement was just like, there was teeth involved. So afterwards, I left, right? And I was feeling kind of gay, so I called this girl I'm fucking, but she's on her period now. It's like, fucking, I'm going to fuck you anyway. There's blood on my hands. I'm streaking it on my face like it's fucking war paint. I don't know why I'm looking at you with the glasses, because you haven't made a move quite yet in the shadows there, pal. Fuck it.

Give me the bear. I want it. I want it. Give me the bear. I want it. I want it. That is how you honor your father's passing right there. Okay, so you had all the comics laughing, which is a bad thing. You know what I mean? It's a great fucking one minute presentation.

It's like, how many fucking people can I make feel awkward or uncomfortable? I enjoyed it thoroughly. Where else do you want to do this? Just here, right? Where else do I want to do what? That's it. Like, where else do you want to do that? Do you know what? I thought of that as I was walking to the stage.

Like, what can I really say to honor my dad's death? Because he actually today really is the anniversary. Okay. No, I got the impression this was authentic. But I don't think you really fucked or got your dick sucked by all these people. Do you know what? It's three true stories, but it didn't all happen today. Okay.

So a gay guy drew you with three dicks and then sucked your dick? Would you like to see the picture? No, no, no. Just tell me if it's true or not. No, that actually happened. And then you called a girl and she was on a period? That's not that hard to believe. Well, no.

You know what? That actually happened last month. I'm dating this girl. Is that an anniversary too? It should be now. When you always do that joke, do you always bash a guy in the corner with glasses?

No, he was just looking at me like he got real uncomfortable. I mentioned the blowjob from the man. So you got mad at the guy? He was the objective. I'm like, how dare you get offended by gay blowjobs, pal? How dare you get offended by this offensive set?

Fuck, man. Everyone else seems to be enjoying it. You weren't even drinking. You let go of your beverage and just kind of sank into the shadows back there, pal. I want to experience this for real. When was the last time you were on? I forget. I think in June, actually.

Literally two days after I moved back to LA. I talked about taking methamphetamine on my road trip and doing cocaine in bathroom stalls. That's a beautiful story. I guess I thought, I like the first three lines were like fucking beautiful, like poetry. Like every line I was

like, what? What? What? It was because there was like, your dad's dead, you're getting drawn to the nude, you got three dicks to bowl without your hands and then after that I felt like it got kind of into some

standard territory we got some period jokes it went from 0 to 100 and then it hit a tree yeah exactly you know like keep it more on that surreal

those first and they were timed really well it was like the rhythm was perfect next thing you know is bitches be shopping yeah yeah yeah exactly exactly exactly you didn't like the war paint thing that like streaking

across like war paint um blood war paint no i don't want to say i've heard that before but it's very like it's very shock humor i want to say i've heard it before see that's like that's like a punch line not a premise like red wings war paint, it's all together. Right. Maybe if you hadn't changed locations. Maybe if you were still with the gang. Because then I was like, oh, he's just making it up. For a while I was with you. I'm there. You're getting drawn. Can you paint with the blood?

I mean, on the canvas? I never thought about it, but I know she has paintbrushes. Are you a fan of the Redskins? No, Eagles all day. Are you a fan of the Redskins? No, no. Eagles all day. There you go. Did you see the score?

We're not talking football. I'm sorry. What the fuck are you? I'm so drunk. We're not doing that. You could be watching that right now. What if the artist bites your nipples off and you use that for paint, like the blood coming out from that?

I'm just throwing a workshop bag at you. You haven't even brought up shit yet. To be honest with you, this is the first time I've actually used those jokes. This was all new. We can tell. We can tell. What I love is how hard you perform it and you're working it out here.

I can almost picture you in an open mic somewhere else and you're not exactly sure what to close with and you're just in front of strangers and you're just like, give me the bear. There's not going to be a bear to save you. I was picturing you in Des des moines somewhere just like fucking tanking luckily you were here with like-minded individuals no thank god thank god matt matt you said it perfect the first thing you said you said uh that the comics love you if you did that exact same set

say flappers eight o'clock on a Friday Burbank with zero comics you would feel what those you would go home and go alright I need to figure this shit out you'd feel like you had three dicks

growing out of your head but how you presented it was amazing so if you can add a story and jokes and have an end you're good

I think I feel like we're judging what's all this talk about set and jokes? This was on some other shit, you know what I mean? Beautiful art. Beautiful consciousness. Beautiful art. Seriously, it was like... Beautiful art. Yeah. I know you don't want to see

the picture, but I will hashtag... I will tag you in the Twitter post when I post it, when I sit back down. There you go. Matt Nino, everybody. And he is on Twitter at NinoZonin. N-I-N-O-Z-O-N-I-N. Good job, man. If you want to follow him on Twitter,

maybe tell him you liked his set. Maybe buy some crystal meth. He's available on Twitter. Can Phantom do the breakfast first lunch scene from Big Daddy? You know how to do that. I don't remember now. You know that scene from Big Daddy.

I think it goes like this. Boom. That is a killer impression. Guys, this is the part of the show where we have our two awesome, fun regulars that write a brand new minute each week on this show. It's always fun to watch them grow, do new stuff, give it a shot. They're the only people that I know that writes a brand new minute each week on this show. It's always fun to watch them grow, do new stuff, give it a shot.

They're the only people that I know that writes a brand new minute each week for sure, guaranteed each week, and you can find all those on all the Kill Tonys. Going up first this week, she's a college dropout. She was just about to finish at Florida. She did Kill Tony for the first time, her first time on stage. Fell in love

with it. She's been back every episode since with a brand new minute. Her name is Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Hi, guys. How are you? Yeah, I moved here. I moved here from Florida last year. I really, really love L.A.

I'm having a great time here. I think L.A. is dope because you can do whatever you want and then just blame the universe. It's like you just blame moon rocks or something and it's fine. It's also a place where your tits can sag and you can blame it on good acting.

It's really hard to be broke in LA though. Sometimes I like to treat myself. I'll go to the Starbucks drive-thru and my biggest fear right now is to be caught in a pay it forward. Pay it forward? Bitch, I can't pay it now. This guy got a Venti?

I just get the regular coffees, nothing special. I'm not buying his. I feel like if that ever happens, I'll just tell him, you know, it's opposite day, let's pay it backwards. You have something really funny there with that pay it forward thing. I've never actually been caught in one of those. At least I don't think so. It's been in the news lately. I actually had no idea what that meant

until I saw it on the news. I heard some guy was like, I'm sick of this. This is an advertising gimmick. He just paid $100 to a Starbucks employee and said, fuck it, give me a coffee. What's weird about pay it forward is it was a shitty movie that no one saw.

I never saw it either. But the title has been used ever since. But do you think maybe if you're going to use that joke, you should give at least a brief... Pay it forward means... There's lots of jokes. I kind of want to do a whole bit on the joke because the whole pay it forward thing has completely changed.

Like you were saying, now you come up to the window and they're like, the person in front of you paid it forward. Do you want to pay it forward too? And it's like, that's not the point. The point is to do something nice. And then window and they're like the person in front of you paid it forward do you want to pay it forward too and it's like that's not the point the point is to do something nice and then you know

one day you're like I remember that one time someone did something if everybody's paying it forward no one's fucking paying forward yeah it's just like everyone's just doing it

it's a marketing gimmick I hate to pay it forward because I only get like black coffee and yeah that's exactly and like you don't want to buy three meals or three drinks behind you

when you just wanted one three dollar coffee fuck pay it forward fuck Haley Jo Osmond fuck the whole goddamn thing You don't want to buy three drinks behind you when you just wanted one $3 coffee. Fuck Pay It Forward. Fuck Haley Jo Osmond. Fuck the whole goddamn thing. I think you're dead on with that thing. I think what Brian's saying is add just a little setup on the front end

so that the rest of it will pop harder so that people know that that's a thing. I didn't know about it. I haven't seen that in the news. In the same vein, what you mentioned like moon rocks and stuff, there's a lot more philosophies out here. There's a thing that's... I didn't know about it. I haven't seen it. And in the same vein, what you mentioned, like moon rocks and stuff, there's a lot more philosophies out here. There's a bunch of stuff.

That you can go into with that. And I know you write a new minute every week or whatever, but there's more to explore with that. By the way, very comfortable on stage. Thank you. Very good. Thank you. Very good.

What was the titty sagging? That's great. I like this. It's the only place where your tits can sag and you can blame it blame it on good acting like you're researching a role like Screen Actors Guild

that's alright see I didn't get it okay there we go oh I got it now I get it I guess I have to reword that yeah

differently I got it but I was thinking of that too the word union might help I don't know no I get it now yeah thank you

thank you yeah I don't know. No, I get it now. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I didn't think you were going for the sag thing either. I thought you were literally saying that your acting is so good that you can play saggy tit. Like, not you, but I'm saying people can say. These tits. Right. I don't really have saggy tits. That's just my acting.

Or you could just say that, oh, she's a great actress. Look at them after titties. I'm sorry. You remind me of a very young Gomi's for peace. Okay. Alright, Josh. Let's just stick with Sandler from here on out. Yeah, but there is definitely

more wording you could do with the Starbucks one, like, you know, I'm going to be paying for it backwards later, you know, or whatever coffee jokes, you know, you can do with the Starbucks one. I'm going to be paying for it backwards later or whatever coffee jokes you can do there. Which you did a coffee set up. I like my blank like I like my blank last week. So those probably connect

like a little jigsaw puzzle. Look at them Taft-Hartley nipples. There is a good runner there. There's Astra, Taft-Hartley. It's a good thing we taped this. There is a good runner there. There's Aftra, Taft Hartley. It's a good thing we taped these. There is something. This will only work in Hollywood,

but you'll be performing a lot in Hollywood. But that's where we are. And fuck the Midwest if you haven't picked up on that. Exactly. They'll laugh at it anyway. They don't get it. Just kidding, Midwest. Love you.

They're drunk. Kim, you killed. Thank you. There she goes. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. She's she goes. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. She's on Twitter. Kimberly Congdon. Hey.

Yeah, what's up? You know what my favorite part of the movie Pay It Forward is? What? When Haley Joel Osment gets stabbed to death. Is that what happens? Yeah, yeah. Spoiler alert, dude. Because no one's ever seen that movie.

It doesn't matter. But what I do know is Adam Sandler has a cameo in the movie. Hold on. I thought Bruce Willis was dead I do know is Adam Sandler has a cameo in the movie. Hold on. I thought Bruce Willis was dead the whole time. No, that's a success. Okay. Adam Sandler's in it? Yeah, yeah.

No. I don't know exactly. Wait a minute. That's Little Nicky. Fuck yeah. This could be a whole spinoff called Adam Sandler beats a dead horse your final comedian of the night

is our only other regular she also writes a new minute each week always fun goofy stylings of Sarah Weinshank pay it forward made me think of Haley Joel Osmond that was unexpected Pay it forward.

Made me think of Haley Joel Osmond. That was unexpected. Didn't expect my Monday to go that direction. Just dim it. Fuck it. Went to Gelson's. It was behind this woman who had a lot of Kraft cheese. Kraft singles.

She's almost ready to leave and she goes, Wait, I got green onions I meant to get chives. I'm behind her the whole time. Like, bitch, you're buying Kraft singles. Kraft singles, they treat them like they're contaminated. Each individual slice of cheese is wrapped in a wax paper like fucking astronaut food. And now you're going to make the cashier go find you chives

because green onions aren't fucking good enough? All right. That is so wine shank. Very good, very good. You did it again. Right up your alley, your style. She has like, she must have like 50 different grocery store products

that she has a minute on. Have you ate the sandwich with that one little fucking jerk piece of plastic that doesn't come off when you're taking the plastic off? It's like the one that's like a little rectangle. I've done that a few times. The rectangle. And, by the way, watching

you on Facebook and Twitter, you also had another Gelson's complaint about your grapes. They have the, and you got me obsessed with this shit now. Cotton candy grapes. I just heard about this. Yeah. Really? That's crazy.

I think you can add even more to that, the Kraft cheese bit, because they're all individually sliced. I mean, they're all individually wrapped,

each slice. So there's no way on top of all that that they would clump up all these individually wrapped slices and wrap it in yet another piece of plastic.

Yet they do. Yeah, that's such a good point. Well, you know, in the world of observational comedy, I've never heard this take on Kraft singles before. And to that, I think it's fucking brilliant. Because I think I've seen all Seinfeld's material. And fucking he never brings his shit up. And it's been around forever.

So they're joking, but it's really fucking smart. And it's also great that you know how to roll with it when you get on the stage and you can talk about what other people were talking about. That's the deal at the comedy store. So you got that down, and that's fucking great. They are super single. They are so single.

Craft singles. Are chives different from green onions? Yes. Okay, well that's new. What's the difference? It's very confusing. Very close. They taste the same, right?

One of them has the root attached to it, right? One of them I think is a little more slender and more herb-like. It's not as onion-y. I would add that to it. I would actually tell people what it is. When you say, you're going to have this cashier go get you, you got green onions, you're going to have her go run and get you

slightly slender, more green, like more slightly. And maybe like a mean-spirited, like, bitch, nobody's going to kiss you after you eat any of this shit. I don't know. You're going to be, you're always, you're always going to be as single as one of those

cheese slices. There it is. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank. Kimberly Congdon Princess Shank Instagram Twitter

Joshua Meyerowitz destroyed tonight as both the Autistic Patriot and Adam Sandler. Follow him on Twitter at Autistic Thunder. That's all one word.

No underscore. Elyse Lane is Elyse Lane. E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N and Facebook and Instagram at the girl with the pan. Louie Katz L-O-U-I-S-K-A-T-Z

on Twitter. All one word. Matt Fultron at At The Full Charge. TheFullCharge.com. TheFullCharge everything. Go to TheFullCharge.com. Anything else you guys want to promote? Any dates coming up? Yeah, I'm headlining in Irvine on October

2nd, so come on out. Awesome. Is that right now? What? Is it happening right now? No, it's happening on October 2nd. No, is this live right now? I'd say like three weeks. Three weeks? Yeah. I mean,? What's going on? I'll tell you, like three weeks. Three weeks? Yeah. I mean, I'm going to be

in a whole bunch of places in three weeks. What's your website? This is Louis Katz. You got my name, you can look me up. Awesome. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe.

Brian. I'm Brian Redman. Come see us in Phoenix, guys. That's the real one. That's going to be fun, man. That's going to be magical. We're going to have a fucking blast.

I can't wait to get back on the road with you. Yeah, what's it? October 20... Stand up live. Just go to be magical. We're going to have a fucking blast. I can't wait to get back on the road with you. Yeah. What's it? October 20. Stand up live. Just go to Death Squad. Click on tour dates. Yeah.

Thank you to everybody. Thank you to all of you people. We had a blast. Suzy Placencia on the social media. Follow at Kill Tony Pod and at Kill Tony Fan Club just popped up. I don't even know who's running that, but it sure is exciting. We have a fan club, and I clicked on it, and I was going to retweet what it said,

but it seemed too depressing, because I don't want anybody to know that it only has four followers right now. Yeah, I banned it. Because it just started. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Thank you. Inside, outside, USA Inside, outside, USA

Inside, outside, USA Inside, outside, USA Inside, outside, USA you