KILL TONY - KILL TONY #71

Episode Date: November 5, 2014

Ralphie May, Lahana Turner, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Stuart Thompson, Brian Redban – Date: 09/15/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Check out our website. Click on tour dates right now. You're in luck if you live in Canada or New York because me and Tony Hinchcliffe are going on the road. We're part of the Dark Comedy Festival and that starts tomorrow, Wednesday, November 5th. Me and Tony are doing the roast of Ron Jeremy. It's going to be a lot of fun. My first time ever roasting. I'm going to suck balls while Tony kicks ass. It's going to be a lot of fun. My first time ever roasting. I'm going to suck balls while Tony kicks ass. It's going to be great. It's going to be a good confidence

builder for myself. Anyways, that's at the Royal Cinema in Toronto, Canada. And then the following day, we're doing some comedy at the Underground Comedy Club. And then Kill Tony, Friday, November 7th, live from Toronto. It's almost sold out. That's going to be at Big Picture Cinema. And then more comedy at the Comedy Underground, November 7th. And then November 8th, London, Ontario. And then November 9th, we're going to be in Buffalo, New York. I know.

It's a lot of fucking tour dates in a short amount of time. And the best way to do it is go to DeathSquad.tv, click on tour dates, or you can go to DarkComedyFest.com. Also, check out ShopSquad.TV. There we have all our new merchandise, including the new stickers, the new hoodie, the new mugs, the new water jails, all the shit. Check it out.

All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Fuck yeah, everybody! Here we are! A lot of feedback via live and social media about the excitement about tonight's show. How are you Monday night?

Here we are. Super live. It's all happening and I'm excited. We have a lot of people here tonight. I'm very glad you guys made it out. Some people told me earlier that I got to meet that stopped me that they drove all the way from South Carolina to be here tonight. So look out for that.

Myrtle Beach. He told me he signed up. This is very exciting. We went to the Magic Castle last night. That's right. I took Brian to the Magic Castle. Yeah. If you guys don't know, there's this big castle that you're not allowed to go to

unless you're a magician. Yeah. Yeah. And it's been here forever and you drive by and you just get it just looks amazing from the outside but we got to go in there last night tony took me and wow it's amazing you enter through this you have to like talk to an owl you have to be like open sesame and suddenly this bookshelf opens up and you and then there's just tons of bars first thing like you walk through the lobby that's your way in

is you have to tell an owl, open sesame. Laney, you ever been there? Yeah, you're Hollywood royalty. Of course you've been there. It's all people that look like Laney and Jerry and me and Red Band in there, stoned to the gills. So imagine that. Imagine what that looks like.

But we look good. Oh, yeah. If Kill Tony ever goes to the Emmys, we're going to rock that fucking red carpet. You have to dress up to go to the Magic Castle. So I got to see Brian Redband's doppelganger. That's right. Brian Reichel. Yeah.

That's with no hat on, combed hair, shirt tucked in. Amazing. You went from a five to a nine. Thanks. I've heard a nine to five, but five to nine. Five to nine. This've heard of nine to five, but five to nine. This is Kill Tony, everybody. We only have one sponsor, and it is our private chef,

Elise Lane. She's not private though. You can hire her for parties. Maybe you're having a big get-together. Maybe Laney and Jerry putting on one of those fancy Hollywood Beverly Hills parties that you guys do. You could hire a real chef. She's called a recipe checker.

She checks other people. Before somebody releases a recipe book, she tries their food and tells them, like, no, I don't think so. Like, that's actually a job, and she does it. She's Elise Lane. She's on Twitter at Elise Lane, E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N. So however you thought you would spell Elyse Lane,

you were wrong. She's on Facebook and Instagram, at the girl with the pan. Now lately, I always tell her to write out exactly what she made. And for the first couple times, I read it. And that was fun, because it's sort of hard to read, you know,

really fancy recipes, you know, sometimes. They have crazy French words in them. This one isn't this tough tonight. However, for the last couple weeks, what we've been doing is I've had my speech impediment-prone associate producer of the show, the runaround man that makes Kill Tony happen, hangs up the balls that you see, sets the camera, makes sure that the sword is sharpened. His name's Josh Martin. He's standing right up there. Josh, why don't you come up

and read what Elyse Lane made tonight? He's on Twitter at Josh Martin Comic if you ever want to see some of his humor without the speech impediment. Now, we're doing something extra fun tonight. Last week, he read it, and he made many pauses so that he could figure out the next word

and how to say it correctly. So every time he kept pausing, I kept saying, this is podcasting, you've got to keep talking. Make any noise in the world. Now this week, what we're going to do is, is if he pauses at any moment while reading this recipe, Brian gets to flick him in the nuts.

Now I told him, anything's better than a pause. So he could technically make like a dirt noise. He can do anything at any given point so be prepared for that are you ready josh oh yeah you better cough it up josh are you ready uh just say yes yes or no no pausing there's no pausing once you start reading the recipe you have to continue okay are you ready are you ready first before we start guys put your hands together for this situation

that we created for you tonight this is live anything can fucking happen right now alright tonight Elyse Lane made for us sesame ginger steak and tofu stir fry with baby bok choy and silver almonds and sticky rice. And go fuck

yourself. I think we figured out Josh, I need that. I think we figured out how to stop your speech impediment, Josh. You always have to have somebody there ready to flick you in the nuts. I fucking love it.

Follow Elise Lane on Facebook and Instagram at thegirlwithapan. Another fun thing that we've been doing lately for the last few episodes is one of our funniest friends released a music comedy album which is absolutely hilarious. It's available on iTunes. It's called The Shingles.

He's here to perform another song from that album that we haven't heard yet from Saturday Night Live and Mad TV. Put your hands together for Jeff Richards, everybody, doing the new song, Def Wanna F, off his new album, The Shingles, available everywhere online. This is based on a true story. It's based on a true story, everybody. And somebody flick Jeff in the nuts.

Because this is an awkward pause if I've ever heard one before. What's wrong with your phone, Jeff? Is it not working? No. Does it normally play songs through a headphone jack? Yeah. It's the case. Oh, I like this guy's predictions.

I could tell you work in the fucking audio business. That and you're dressed like a grip. Here we go. I can hear it. You ready? Ladies and gentlemen, new album, The Shingles. It's Def 1F with Jeff Richards. The only guy to ever be on both SNL and MADtv.

He's here for you. Oh my god. It's that feeling again. It's my downstairs telling my brain who's boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. I. I. I. Death want to have. I I I Definitely want to F Definitely want to F If you come over I definitely want to F Get you undressed

Get you undressed And then we can F I don't have a place I just have a car If you come over we have to F In my car Get inside my trunk I don't have a place, I just have a car. If you come over, we have to F in my car. Get inside my trunk, grab ahold of my junk. I'm so lonely, so lonely.

I'm not fat, I'm better than that. My rod is deep, and I don't own a cat. How could I own a cat? I live in my car. That just wouldn't be fair to a cat. How could I own a cat? I live in my car. That just wouldn't be fair to the cat. Seriously. F. F for F.

If you come over, I F for F. Get you a dress. Get you a dress. And then we can F. Not to mention, what would the cat food cost? A chicken would be really expensive. Like, what's really happening to the cat, right? Like, what if the cat got a viral infection or some shit?

I think Debbie had a cat. And the ankle got torn up. Never recovered. $900. I mean, I just don't think I can go through that kind of turmoil right now. Seriously. Seriously. Jeff 1 1⁄2, Jeff 1 1⁄2, Get on my middle and get dressed. Jeff 1 1⁄2, Jeff 1 1⁄2,

Unclog your legs so I can locate your neck. Jeff 1 1⁄2, Jeff 1 1⁄2, Jeff Richards, ladies and gentlemen. Holy moly. Jeff. Josh. Josh moly. Jeff. Josh. Josh, come get Jeff's phone for him. Fuck yeah, everybody. Jeff Richards. Wow. I've never seen anybody

turn a... make a song out of a suicide note before, but I'm pretty sure he just did that. I'm pretty sure he saw his suicide note and said, you know what? This isn't the end. This is a song. There you go. Jeff Richards, everybody.

One more time for Jeff. Every week we have a new head of security that keeps us safe and watches over the show, makes sure that we're always in good standing. It used to be a guy in a $5,000 Iron Man suit. He said that he got too big for the show. He left us. He lost over 2,000 Twitter followers because of it.

And now he's making music videos for Tony Hinchcliffe. Right. He made a creepy music video this week that he tagged me in. And I clicked on it. And it's this weird song of his old bands. But he has a Facebook picture montage of me, all my

old pictures and stuff. And I just keep like coming up like these swinging pictures, like old headshots and shit. And it looks like he's going to kill me. And he probably will because for the last 20 weeks or 30 or 40 weeks since he quit, we have literally replaced him with a brand new person each week just to show him exactly how replaceable he was. And this week's no different. This is actually this gentleman's second time being the Patriot because we loved him so much the first time he did it. He's one of the funniest rising young comics in L.A.,

an employee of the Comedy Store. He's Stuart Thompson, genius Patriot, everybody. I'm talking. This guy is smart. I'm talking. This guy is smart. Many people say he's our whitest patriot and the most prim and proper. Stuart Thompson, how's it going?

Doing great, Tony. How are you? Great. You look fantastic tonight. Thanks, man. Thanks for keeping us safe. Everything good? I'm doing all right. Anything I can do to help. Very good. Fuck yeah. You are the opposite of Josh Martin. You know that? You enunciate every word

so clearly, and you always have an answer. Just doing what I can. I love it. Patreons together for the Patriot, everybody. He's going to be keeping us safe. A big part of the show. I don't know what we'd do without you, Stuart. Thank you. Thank you, Tony.

So let's do this, shall we? Everybody, you know the name of the game. I always have two of my funniest comedian friends on the show, and we talk to comedians that do a minute each. After their minute, we figure out a little bit about them, and then we delve into it. Maybe we add something to their jokes. Maybe we give bad advice. Maybe we give good advice. Maybe we talk to them about anything. Maybe something else they could be working on. Maybe we make fun of the way they're dressed. Anything can happen.

It's Kill Tony and tonight's two guests, two of my favorites. Put your hands together for Lana Turner and Ralphie Mayer. Yeah, baby. Ralphie. Lana. Hey.

Hello. How's it going? Welcome, bud. The great Ralphie May, everybody. Hi, everybody. How are you? Ralphie, thank you so much for making it. I know you just flew in and one of the busiest guys in the business. Thank my wife.

She's the one who got me motivated to do Dresden. Get the fuck out. Let's go. Yeah, let's go, fatty. I think that's what the words. I love it. You ever been on a stage with something like the Patriot this close to you? No, but I love it.

Good for you. I like how the Patriots rock and Chuck Taylor are all stars. He's one hip Patriot. He believes in himself. Those shoes go pretty well with that outfit though, I must say. Lana, this is your first time on the show as well.

How's everything been going? Awesome. Thank you for having me. You guys have been on the road, right? I just got back from New Jersey, which is... Lana was here all weekend. Yeah, I was here. Holding it down. Holding down the fort.

I love it. Busy. How about you, Redman? Hey, how you doing, buddy? I'm good. Oh, you guys know each other? Oh, yeah. We've known Robbie for a long time.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I dig it, man. We're all in the game. What's with all these stiffs? What's the story here? You guys, y'all ready for some comedy? Hell, yeah.

Every week, our head of security always asks the two guests a question. It could be about anything. I'm sure this week's no different. Stuart, go right ahead. First, for Lana, I hear you do music in your act and i was wondering if you've always been musical or if you started doing comedy with music or if you just sort of transitioned into it no i started i started out with writing songs i wrote some dirty songs and then next thing you know i got paid to do that and i was was like, this is ridiculous. And then that's where it all started.

When somebody pays you, like, I got $20 for playing a night of comedy. And I was like, what is this for? And then that was it. You were surprised that you could get paid? I was shocked. Yes. Right. Are you kidding?

Yeah. And then 16 years later, I'm still shocked. No, I know. It is amazing. Yeah. Do you play guitar, correct? Uh-huh. Do you play anything else? You ever make an album or anything. Yeah. Do you play guitar, correct? Uh-huh. Do you play anything else?

You ever make an album or anything? Yeah. I just had my special come out on iTunes about three weeks ago. What's that called? One hour special. What's that called so people can find it? So I wrote a song about it. So I wrote a song about it.

Yeah. Available on iTunes. Just came out. iTunes, anywhere you download stuff. And then in a few months it'll be on Hulu and hopefully Netflix. I love it. Awesome. Stuart, how about for Ralphie?

Ralphie, I'm wondering, you're going to be seeing a lot of new comics going up tonight, a lot of beginners. And I'm wondering if there's something you see with new comics that bothers you or really excites you. I don't know how much you keep your pulse on new comedy. It's when they make dumb fucking mistakes. It just bugs the shit out of me. You're going to see a few of those.

Young comics look down all the time. That's the fucking worst. It's just like fucking believing your jokes. You wrote them. What do you like? What do you really love when you see a new comic? Oh, man. I like it when they get it.

When they write something and they get it. They're like, oh, okay, this is funny. Yeah. Yeah, it is. It is interesting because a well-written joke can happen from, you know, sort of anybody. But when they can't perform it, when they're looking down and they're saying it at the same time, it's crazy how they cancel each other out.

Well, you're going to see a lot of both of those things tonight, because sometimes magic happens, sometimes it's a slaughter fest, and sometimes things get weird. But we're going to keep it up. We'll have fun tonight. You guys ready to start this shindig? Comedians, you know how it works. You get one minute on stage. You know you're one minute's up

when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, how cute. That means wrap it up because this is show business. You can't go over your time or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go.

I think we have about 10 minutes left of podcasting. Fantastic. That is an angry bear tonight, guys. Please don't bring him out again. The podcast listeners hate that shit. It's not the West Hollywood bear. He's hairy. That's what Jeff Garlin said.

Jeff Garlin said, that's not the West Hollywood bear. The West Hollywood bear would be like, hey, I want to fuck you. It's really funny. He has a good chubby guy voice. So like he really, you know, he's got that stuff behind him. Very bear-like and very West Hollywood. Why are you looking at me?

We need a new bear. You're not hairy enough. I'm not. I'm not hairy enough. I love it. So let's get this party started. Are you guys ready or what? Here we go. Your first comedian doing a minute tonight

goes by the name of Ian Ellis. Ian Ellis. He drives me crazy. And I can't wait. He's the best Ian Ellis, everybody. Come on, he made it. Ian Ellis. Yeah, man.

My rapping plots. How many people here think we should legalize weed? I do, man. My rap applies. How many people here think we should legalize weed? I do too. Like, I'd be cool if we just legalized weed for black dudes because I'm tired of getting pulled over every time I kick it with my boys. Like, my white friends smoke weed too. They just don't get racially profiled every five minutes. If you didn't legalize weed just for black dudes,

I think they'd start pulling over brothers and searching their cars for black people. Like, whoop, whoop! As you know, we're cracking down on under-brown smokers, and I couldn't help but notice you have a lot of white paraphernalia in the back of your car. I could let that lacrosse stick go,

but when I saw that Kings of Leon sticker, I knew we had trouble. I want you to tell me, is anybody in your car currently wearing blackface? Now, I don't want any trouble, but I distinctly smelled Axe Cologne coming from the trunk when I walked up. I'm going to need you to pop it over. I swear to God, if a Mexican pops out, I'm taking your whole family to jail. My name's Ian Ellis. I love you. Good night. All right, there you go. I'm taking your whole family to jail. My name's Ian Ellis. I love you. Good night.

All right. There you go. Fuck yeah. So you smoke pot with a lot of black people? Yeah, man. Really? That's my shit. Okay.

Where are you from? I'm from Chicago, man. Gotcha. Gotcha. Fuck yeah. Interesting. Ralphie, what do you got? What'd you notice?

You asked four questions before you hit them with a joke. You need to get to the joke faster. You had a good premise, and then you switched it, and then you switched it again. And, you know, making it legal for only black people is a funny premise. That should be enough for your one minute. You know what I mean? Don't be in such a rush to change topics, you know? Delve into it. Find out what's funny.

That's a good call. I agree. It is a great premise. And then when you're talking about when you're off and talking, when it's changed to Mexicans and other things and the black face, you know what I mean? You could stay in that pocket for sure. Because if it was

only legal for black people, then more white people would start hanging out with black people. There's like a lot of stuff there. That shit is hilarious. And you can run with, there's a lot of different directions. That shit is hilarious. And you can run with, there's a lot of different directions you can go. Lana, what did you think of Ian Ellis?

I love that you went racial with it. I think that's great. You have balls to do that. But you kind of look like a skinhead. So you've got to be careful trudging that line. It's true. There's something very... Yeah, you've got to come at it.

It goes over great at the rallies. Well, there you go. There you go. I love it. Here, here. How long have you been in LA, Ian? I've been here a couple of months. I'm the dude that's been sending you fan art, so...

Oh, wait, that's that cool shit. Yeah, it might. Wow, you make that? Yeah. Wow, that's so cool shit. Yeah, it might. Wow, you make that? Yeah. Wow, that's so cool. That's amazing. I can't believe you're that guy. I didn't know that Red Band was doing all the cats,

and those are fucking phenomenal. So buy the stuff that Red Band makes. That's amazing. There you go. How do you like that? Nice. Brian loved everything you did up here tonight. I like the white jokes.

What was it, Nickelback? Kings of Leon. But I was kind of confused. I like the beginning part, the idea of making it legal for black people, but like Ralphie said, you didn't really go too much into that idea. You just kind of started bashing white people and stuff.

I think that's interesting, and I really like the bashing white people. I just don't know. I don't know. I would have to hear your premise for making it legal, what your jokes would be about it. Because as it is now, it seems like two different jokes that you're trying to mix together that don't really need to be mixed together. I don't know.

How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years, man. Would you always say man at the end of everything? I'm just curious. Do you only hang out with black people? For the most part, because they have the best weed. That's hilarious. We live in California.

What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, we're all smoking the same stuff now. That might be true in Detroit, but California, fuck no. Anyone owns the best weed out here. And it's basically legal here now, too, so it kind of loses it on that. So you can stop hanging out with black people now. Yeah, you don't need to.

Woo, just in the nick of time. What are you, my mother? Did your mom tell you that? She's like, what are you doing with the blacks? Whoa Wow, you really are from Chicago You should talk about that Yeah That's interesting

That's interesting Because my sister, that's how it grew up growing up My sister just hung out with black guys all the time. And got Jet Magazine. And my poor mom is just like, what the fuck? Our daughter's reading Jet Magazine. And she's shaving her eyebrow line. Wow.

Both dead giveaways. Your sister was getting killed. I know. Your sister's getting that black D. Your sister's fat. Yeah, yeah. Your sister's getting that black D Your sister's fat Yeah, your sister's a fat girl Is she chubby? She is now She's got all that cum in her butt

Yeah, she's fat Ian, you ever been with a black woman before? I've been with a couple of them, yeah I did a joke at the black club in Chicago, Jokes and Notes, where I said that sleeping with a black woman is great, but sometimes I wish, like,

it came with a squeegee and a can of Febreze. Jesus, okay. I can't believe you repeated that. And I was like, you know, why women don't get musty like that? And the audience was very angry. Wow. That's something your black friends

are probably laughing. I can't believe he's going to do this little white guy. Holy shit. I mean, normally when people are like, one time at this comedy... Black girls pussy be stinking. Oh my god. That's exactly what you're saying.

Why are you beating around the bush when you could just say that line? Normally when comedians are like, one time I did this joke at this club about this, it's not like their most regretful joke that they've ever said, but you went for it, Ian. I mean, you totally committed.

Wow. That was the whole thing? That was the setup and the punch, everything you said? it, Ian. You totally committed. Wow. That was the whole thing? That was the setup and the punch, everything you said? I try to be memorable. You're definitely that. Ian Ellis, everybody, thank you so much for that artwork. You've got to check out his original Kill Tony artwork.

A few of the last things that I posted on my Instagram, if you're listening. You'll see. He's at Chicago Open, Mike. That's right. That's you. Because I tagged you. Because I'm a nice guy. Because you're listening. You'll see. He's at Chicago Open Mike. That's right. That's you. Because I tagged you. Because I'm a nice guy. Because you made that. He's at Chicago Open Mike. I never would have guessed that that's what

that artist would have been like. It's a very intricate drawing. And I'm very surprised. And while he's drawing it, he's thinking, black girl's pussy's been stained. Febreze and a squeegee. Squeegee and Febreze. Holy shit, man.

That's a one-two punch. Fuck. I love it. Well, there you go. We just learned a lot about Ian Ellis in a few minutes. And pussy. How to clean it up. Yeah, right. You know what I always do? I always ask guests that are on for their first time

if there's something that they did when they first started that they can't believe that they ever did on stage, like a line or anything. I've gotten all kinds of answers. Some people tell me they used to go up with a ventriloquist puppet and they can't believe they did that. Some guys would take off their shirt and do an impression of the letter C, one of them said.

So I'm wondering, any regrets from your very early on, like the first few months or anything crazy you did? You can't believe you said or did? No, man. I had a good run, man. I had a good run, man. When I started Open Mic, I was in college and high school at the same time. And I got a blowjob from an unattractive girl after my set. And I said, fuck college.

I love that. That's perfect. How about you any regrets anything crazy you can't believe you did a song about something one time no you know I used to struggle your guitar or something crazy

I just would struggle with what to wear sometimes like as a chick I think that's a hard thing to know like how you're perceived. So I would wear these, like, try these, like, cat print outfits and stuff. Just look like. And I regret that a little bit. But, you know, you try it. But nothing, like, too crazy.

Because I think any time you try something on stage, whether, even if it didn't go well for you, that's, like, how you learn. Like, it's how you get better. Yeah, totally. Stuart actually had the same thing. He wore cat print outfits when he first started. Long time ago. Guys, I pulled another name out. This looks like a new name to me,

and I am always excited when new people are on. Put your hands together for Tam Pham. There he is, Tam Fam, everybody. You guys know that old saying, as happy as a Japanese businessman at a middle school cheerleader car wash? I'm that happy right now. I'm not saying that I like little girls. I'm just saying that.

Anyway, so it's good to be up here. I'm not expecting that I like little girls. I'm just saying that. Anyway, so it's good to be up here. I'm not expecting this to go well. Weird coincidence. Those are the exact words I use right before I have sex. Yeah, I'm not exactly a ladies' man. What? No way. Yeah, no, it's true. It's true, believe it or not. I always

worry when I do these because I'm an introvert. I don't really belong on a stage. It makes about as much sense as being homophobic and shopping at Whole Foods. Or having a cologne allergy and attending an Armenian bachelor party. Alright, I guess that's good thanks everybody there you go 59 seconds

Tam fam I know right fuck yeah he's already got his own shirt made I dig it I guess you do that first and figure out the rest later, huh? How long have you been doing stand-up? Three months. Oh, cool. Wow. Yeah, that's great. You actually had some jokes, man. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, it was very fun. Don't talk about yourself in the third person on stage and act like someone else is talking. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're better than that part where you heckled yourself, that yeah, no is talking. Yeah. You're better than that part where you heckled yourself. That no way thing. Okay. Just let somebody heckle you or

just plow through like it's not happening. You don't have to heckle yourself. And really talk into the mic and project your voice because it was really quiet. I had to turn you up a lot. Unless you really heard somebody talking to you. You hear voices.

Not today. You never know. Could be his thing. I love it. Where are you from? I'm from the Valley. I've lived there my whole life. I'm a Vietnamese. The Japanese part. I was like, you're not Japanese.

That threw me off. I mean, you're very Asian because you put your comedy thing on your shirt that was very Asian yeah but different Asian Vietnamese Vietnamese of course that's how we got the shirt did your brother make it for you

yeah I like that they groan you that's hilarious oh wait a minute we're supposed to be assholes okay oh we're thinking china sorry it was made in china by a child or they were mad at that they were that the thing wrong i tell you man you had some jokes dude you had some fucking jokes who knew yeah who knew i was impressed i thought the homophobic whole foods line was funny i thought the the cologne allergy was a little way to go but it was funny you know man you got some good stuff yeah it's amazing for three months uh so is this something you've always wanted to do? What were you doing three months ago? I was working at an ad agency doing IT,

saving up money so I could do this whole thing. Whoa, that's really Asian. Yeah, yeah. I'm good at math and I'm a horrible driver too. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. That's Asian-y as in gits, man. Asian-y.

New favorite adjective. Asian-y. Fuck yeah adjective. Asiany. Fuck yeah. Except it would be pronounced Arian. Asiany. Arian. I can't say it.

You can't say it. I can't even do an Asian accent. I bet your parents are so Asian it's crazy, right? Yeah, they're pretty bad. I didn't say that. You did. I came out wrong.

Do they speak English? Sort of. English? Yes. Okay, I did it that time. I pulled it out. I got it that time. How long into doing stand-up did you make the shirt? Because it's been three months since you started it doesn't look like the first time you've worn it uh about a week and a half i figured i just

wanted people to know how to spell my name a week and a half in yeah you were ready for people to not forget how to spell your name i love that it's like we growing up you had favorite stand-up comedians and stuff? Is it something you've always loved? Did you find it recently? How old are you? Did you really like the cook in westerns? The cook in westerns?

It took a minute. Are you still looking for Dr. Jones? He held onto his potatoes. It feels like we're stepping on fortune cookies those aren't fortune cookies you've had like 40 questions now you need to answer all of them I found Dr. Jones he held on to his potatoes

I discovered this I sort of got into stand-up a little bit later but I've always been in the economy like Howard Stern I got into real heavily I a little bit later, but I've always been in the economy like Howard Stern. I got into real heavily. I'm 32. You're 32? Holy fucking shit, man. Oh my God, that's amazing.

You Asians are insane. You probably fucking smoke a pack a day and everything. It's an amazing race. And they sit on their ankles, too. Yeah. They sit on their ankles. Yeah, like that's easy. Smoke And they sit on their ankles too. Yeah. They sit on their ankles. Smell cigarettes and sit on their ankles and make duck. Fucking love your style, man.

Yeah, man. Fuck you, I'm an IT bitch. I know, right? I'm an IT guy. So you saved money working the IT thing for years probably, right? Yeah. You're 32 and you started three months ago and you saved money so the IT thing for years probably, right? You're 32 and you started

three months ago and you saved money so that you could do this full time for the rest of your life. Two years. You saved enough money for two years. Fuck, Ian Ellis is about to rob you on your way out. He hangs with black people. Their pussies be stinking.

Do you get up a lot? I mean, do you go try to do different kinds of spots around town? I do a lot of open mics, but I don't get booked. Right, well, of course. You've only been doing it a few months. But are you going up a lot? Yeah, I go to like six a week. I get up maybe two or three times.

You gotta go to ones where you can no matter how long you wait or whatever, at least you know you're gonna get up. Except for this show, which is perfect for, because it's like crazy what could happen. You could also, if you talk to some of the other Asian comics, you'll know that there's a lot of cool things that you can do that regular comics to some of the other Asian comics you'll know that

there's a lot of cool things that you can do that regular comics can't do which is do comedy for Asian people and because there's there's a void there like there's people that want to see comedy you know from other Asians

you should really try a comedy contest I'm just saying you should really try a comedy contest. I'm just saying. You should really try that. There's a club in Pasadena that a lot of Asians perform at. I think it's called the Rice House. It doesn't even start with an L.

What? No, I'm sorry. You son of a bitch. Guys, I love this guy. Tam, I hope you come back really soon. Anything else for Tam Pham? Are you completely not working your day job anymore at all? You just stopped?

You could actually go and you have money. You could go anywhere also in the country and try different clubs and just put yourself out there in a totally different way because you have money. That's so rare. I also live in Los Angeles. I don't have that kind of money. I have a bus ride for two years. He's got Asian money.

You can eke that out. You guys can survive on fucking like, oh, rice. You know what I mean? You guys are bad. Once you get enough time, a little bit of time together, you have a little money, you can do some shitty runs that allow you to do a lot of stage time if you don't have to pay money to survive.

Work at a comedy club. That's a job that's barely a job but that will give you spots and help your comedy. And give you a little bit of money. And all those fuckers need help with their computers. Yes. What's the next batch of naked celebrities you're going to release?

That one hurt. Fuck yeah. By the way, I heard it's guys. I heard that the next batch, those people that are releasing all the naked photos, I guess now they're releasing the Brad Pits. I guess that's the next wave. It's just all the guy celebrities now. Oh my god.

That's gonna be creepy. George Clooney with a cummy cock. Ugh. That'd be creepy. You just wanted to say that, right? George Clooney with a cummy cock. Say that three times fast. That'd be creepy You just wanted to say that right George Clooney with the coming cog Say that three times fast

That would be a crazy vine if that got released Tam Fam There he goes everybody He's on Twitter At Tam Fam Comedy For those of you that didn't read his shirt Tam Fam is spelled T-A-M P-H-A-M

Words of that Heavy on the P-H-A-M. Words of that. Hell yeah. Heavy on the P-H. Heck yeah. Tam Pham. Not to be confused with Dat Pham. You dealt with Dat Pham, right?

Yes, I did. That's right. That guy's already funnier than Dat Pham. You want to hear an amazing Dat Pham story that I've never told before that I'd love to tell? You want to hear an amazing Dat Fan story that I've never told before that I'd love to tell? And this is via one of my good buddies, Comedy Central roast writer Jesse Joyce. He was once hanging out at the Hollywood

Improv, and this is right after Dat Fan won Last Comic Standing, which if you know anything about the history of it, it's insane because he beat, supposedly Ralphie May, a monster comedian, and has come out with a new hour

pretty much every year or two a year. You're one of the most productive and hilarious comedians. And Dat Fan's done nothing since then. But anyway, the point being this. You're going to fucking love this, so here we go. A bunch of people are at a packed Hollywood improv.

There's a big bar there in the front. Everybody walks through the front, this front bar, and you see who comes in. Now Dat Fan, it's like a big bar there, you know, in the front. Everybody walks through the front, this front bar, and you see who comes in. Now, Dat Fan, it's like a packed Friday night. He had just one last comic standing. He walks into the improv. Now, Dat Fan's like one of the least respected

comedians, okay? So Dat Fan walks in. Now, what year was that that this all happened? 2003. Okay, 2003. So imagine this. This is a true story. Dat Fan walks in. Behind him, without Dat Fan knowing it, 2003, in a robe,

Rodney Dangerfield walks in behind him. Now, people at the bar start freaking out, like, oh my God, you see fucking Rodney Dangerfield? And everybody starts this slow clap and starts standing up. So excited because they're all looking at Rodney Dangerfield in this robe sort of just like straggling around Melrose.

But he knows the Improv's a comedy club even though he's a little bit old. Maybe a little bit out of it, who knows? But the whole place is going insane. Just, yeah! Because Rodney Dangerfield's there. And Dad fans in front of him not knowing because Rodney Dangerfield's there. And Dad Fan's in front of him, not knowing that Rodney Dangerfield's right behind him.

So he's going, yo, thank you, you know. Everybody's like, fuck you, Dad Fan. Rodney Dangerfield's behind. He turned around, and he's just like, oh, God. And he scurried away. And the people that were there, it's like ingrained in their brain forever. It was like the 9-11 of perfect timing.

So it's like, you know, Jesse Joyce can't even tell that story without choking on a lung. Because it's just so funny to him. Because he actually has the video image in his head of the experience. That's a great example, though, for younger comics. Because he got so successful so fast off that show without really earning it that it just killed any opportunity he would have

of being a respected, legitimate... If that had happened 10 years, he might actually have more of a career. I don't know what he's doing right now, but he was always really nice. That's one thing that he was nice. He was weird. Yeah. Jay London once gave me a always really nice right that's one thing that he was nice you know oh yeah he was weird yeah

yeah he was a great jay london once gave me a great piece of advice off of that uh on that note which was uh you know uh have all the fun and learn and develop as much as you can now because once they know who you are you have to it's all it's all work from that point on yeah yeah like ralphie was so ready when he got that show. He was just ready. Yeah. And Dat was not ready. Right.

Yeah, he is an opener. Yeah. Tam Pham. Yeah, there you go. So wait. Actually, Tam Pham was funnier. Yeah. Totally.

More original, right? Yeah. No doubt. Come back, Tam Pham. We love you. Yeah. Your next comedian goes by the name of Eric Levi Hackett. That's a serial killer name,

so I'm pretty excited to see what happens here. You know what that means. No Eric Levi Hackett here? Well, that means he just got, Stuart, blacklisted. Make noises. Louder. Josh, we need help with...

Yeah, your sound's out. Super weird. That's never happened before. He said it might go out of battery. Just go right ahead. Make some noises into the mic. Pew, pew, pew, pew. Wow.

One of my favorite blacklist things ever. Just everything going wrong. Earl Levi Hackett sounds like somebody who's trying to assassinate the president, right? Okay, your next comedian goes by the name of Johnny Stewart. There he is, right out of the middle. Might be South Carolina, isn't it? No, that's him right there.

Hi, I'm Johnny. I've got a minute. I'm going to get right into it. I think that buying a car is a lot like adopting a kid. I just went to the car dealership and they were trying to really hard sell me. And then I realized, this dude should be selling children with this kind of intensity. Because color affects the price a lot more than you think when you're trying to adopt a kid. You know what I mean? Reliability, no, that's going to cost you big time.

But it's worth it. You don't want to get one of them salvage models. I swear to God. You know the owner before didn't take good care of it at all. That's going to mean costly repairs in the future. Wow, that went a lot quicker than I thought it would. I kind of starstruck. I got the perfect 10 right here.

I didn't even expect that shit. Can I tell a bit about Ralphie May real quick? You have 14 seconds left. Ah, damn it. All right. John Panetta died. The next one in line is Ralphie May. That's not even a fucking joke, you piece of shit. No, no, no.

Because I got him at the booker was telling me that if... Oh, no. Johnny, Johnny. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. I'm sorry, man. I love you guys. I have so much respect for you. No, it was a joke, but it's not a 14-second joke.

Well, it's not a fucking seven-second joke either. It's not a joke. Oh, brother. Fucking weirdo. Johnny, what did you even talk about? What's your deal, Johnny? Where are you from? I'm from San Bernardino.

You've never been on stage before, correct? No, two months. Oh, okay. Yeah. How many spots a week have you, correct? No, two months. Oh, okay. Yeah. How many spots a week have you been doing? About three or four. Interesting.

It's hard to get it down to a minute. A lot of my things are longer storytelling type things. Oh, geez. You should not be doing stories right now. Right. You should just be concentrating on jokes. Man, you really, you kind of blew our mind when you came up here. You look like.

Oh, John. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my up here. You look like. Oh, John. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Like John Wesley. Yeah, John Wesley. Yeah. I don't know who that is. When we first.

Comic. Houston comic. Houston. Both of us. I was like, oh, look at. The hat backwards. And his name's even John. Yeah.

You should look him up. Loving the hat backwards is a smarter move than what you know. Yeah, because the shadow. Yeah. Right. Right. It blocks off your shadow. Right. Right. It blocks off your face. Always move it away.

That's why it's hard for, like, the big thing now is, like, facial hair. I mean, it's the same thing. You don't see guys on TV with a lot of facial hair in sitcoms and stuff like that. And the reason is that people don't believe them. They don't believe in them. They don't think they're being honest. They have something to hide. And the same thing with a hat.

It's like you have something to hide. And so they'll... Is that why I'm not on TV? I just need to shave and take this hat off? It would help. But yeah, I mean, it's not a miracle. You know, I do the hat thing. Like, I still do the hat thing.

Because I remember... You get really defensive about this hat. No, no, no, no, no. I remember people telling Rogan that back in the day. And Rogan would come out on stage with wearing hats. And I remember going, he's doing it. It's not affecting him. People are still connecting with him.

I never really think of that, but I don't know. I get it. It does make sense when you're looking at it from the back of the room. However, your style is sort of tailored towards wearing a hat because you don't make any real faces and stuff. If you did, then you'd really be...

I should try it without a hat for a month. Yeah, especially since I saw you last night at the Magic Castle with no hat. And I'm telling you, this fucking guy cleans up well. Look out. Brian Redband on the cover of Esquire this month. Now, Johnny, let's talk about it. What were you even trying to say during that?

You were adopting a baby The beginning was How buying a kid is a lot like No like adopting a kid is a lot like Buying a car It's like an extended metaphor type thing And then you just rambled off Like 20 different things really fast

It would have been funny if you Went into one, kind of talked about one Then went into another one maybe It just seemed like you just hit things really fast it would be it's been funny if you like went into one kind of talked about one then went into another one maybe yeah it just seemed like you just like hit us really fast and we're just like what the fuck's going on you sit right now it was a minute yeah it was a minute i was trying to get it in like it's like i adopted one of each color you thought it was a minute were you pausing in your head for laughter no i just had a light started freaking me out. I'm sitting next to like four of my favorite comedians and I'm just like, oh my god, what's going on right now?

This is like crazy. Yeah, you're definitely from the San Gabriel Valley. San Bernardino, which is even farther in. Like, that's the top of GTA V's map, right? Yeah. You're Trevor from GTA. Yeah, right on, man. Well, I like your style.

Do you talk about working at a gas station? I'm actually like an engineer and an accountant and stuff. Really? 22, I have like a wife and a kid and a mortgage. Wow. Get out of comedy. No, that's why I wanted to get into comedy it's just soul drenching it's the other way around man you should drop out no it's the truth before he

fucks his life up he's got kids he can't fucking can't be going waka waka waka when you got kids it destroys me i got kids yeah yeah destroys marriages. Y'all got kids. Yeah, but we were together forever and I'm successful. You're not. You know, I mean. I'm sorry about the failed Ralphie May joke. It's all right.

No, no, no, no. It's not that. It's just that you, comedy is such a brutal mistress. I mean, you have to, you know, every night you should be doing two or three sets and in clubs. And that doesn't leave a lot of time for a family. And your wife, she didn't get into this with you when you were already doing stand-ups. You're going to be out at night away from her and the kids.

Yeah, it's hard, man. Maybe you don't make as much money as you could in your other job or you certainly yeah we've seen a lot of people lose their marriages yeah i know i'm like don't quit your day job type yet but it's just fun it's like this is probably the best minute of my week to be honest it's just like i love it now you're from san bernardino you're Right. You have a kid. Right. I'm guessing the kid's what, 12?

Mexico. She's like one. Wow, one year old, huh? Yeah. Interesting. Well, fuck yeah, man. It seems like an interesting time to be getting into stand-up. I don't know.

That's a tough one. What does the wife do? She works from home doing computers and stuff like that. We pull together pretty good money. What are we talking about?

What's computers? I don't know. She'd make more money if we were doing that. Not like computers to remote desktops type stuff. Fixes your computer

from the other side of the country. Yeah, the kid and the wife's hard. You're 22. Tam Pham has 10 years on you but he's got no kids right right there you go see how excitedly

he said that from the back of the room he couldn't wait to talk about not having kids my man Tam Fam yeah just having a relationship and being a comedian not even being married with kids is one of the hardest things unless you

I mean because the time that you're at a comedy club is late at night till one in the morning till two and the only way you could do it is like if you date a stripper so I recommend doing that

there you go it's good to know if he wasn't we met long before we had kids right and so we were both in get it you know we both know

what we're doing but if he wasn't making a decent income we couldn't be living in both know what we're doing. But if he wasn't making a decent income, we couldn't be living in L.A. doing what we're doing. It would be a completely different picture. I mean, we'd still probably be doing comedy. We'd be living in some place else just figuring it out. It's a weird thing.

Yeah, I'm not thinking career yet about it. It's just like I have a place to let my ADHD out for like a couple minutes a week. It's like great. I got to work in the morning, then school, then do this, then hang out with the kids on the weekends and stuff. It's just fucking jam it all in. My wife's super supportive. I love it.

Hey, baby. You're an engineer. Nobody's there. She will be. You're an engineer and accountant, but you're still going to school? Yeah, because when I got in, I got into the warehouse. So they keep paying me shit warehouse money for like a six-figure job.

So I'm trying to get a degree and like, you know, they see me as a kid and shit. But, you know, fuck it. There you go. Because you're kind of a kid. Yeah. I'm a kid with a kid. It's rough. So how'd that happen?

Were you guys trying to make a kid? Oh, yeah. We've been together like eight years. Right when we turned 18, got married.? Were you guys trying to make a kid? Oh yeah, we've been together like eight years. Right when we turned 18. Got married. I'm planning to have a kid. How long have you guys been together? Since like 14, 15.

Wow. No, she's fucking cool. I love her. She's like really cool. She was like really like subjectable when we were younger. So it's just like build a bitch workshop. You just like get her right into whatever you like to do.

She's got tattoos and shit now. I want to hear you talk more about her. She fucking hates that joke. That's exactly what you should be talking about is that real stuff. Yeah, that's really nice. Build a bitch. Wow.

Wow, man. I mean, only you can really talk about that. Yeah, that's awesome if you've been dating her since she was 14 then there you go Johnny Stewart give me a card man

give me a card thanks for you guys this podcast both of you I love you Johnny Stewart one of the few people in San Bernardino

that's able to listen to this podcast I don't know how he has wifi I don't even think there's a fucking Starbucks in that city then it went horribly wrong he's on Twitter at Johnny's Comedy he has Wi-Fi. I don't even think there's a fucking Starbucks in that city. He's on Twitter at Johnny's Comedy.

He has an apostrophe in there. That can't possibly be part of your... Okay, so there's no apostrophe? Okay, follow him at Johnny's Comedy. Get you a T-shirt. Look up John Wesley too. You look so much like him. That was crazy.

Age or no age? Age or no age? Hey, hey. Age or no age? Age. Just figure it out, man. Google it. Yeah, just find it. Hey, Tam Fam, how many different Tam Fam shirts do you have?

Do you only have one? Oh, okay. You wear that every night when you do stand-up? When he was younger. You son of a bitch. He's going to be up now and he's going to be like, what the fuck?

And he said he goes up, what, four or five nights a week? You're going to look him up now and be like, I don't fucking look like this guy. But he did like 10 years ago. Tam Pham, do you have a sister?

Tammy Pham? Put your hands together for your next comedian. He goes by the name of Rob Lewis. I know fables. Gangsta bookie on two-tribe tables. Oh, he's taking off the jacket from deep in the upper deck. He's got a nice bit on it.

And he gave a sudden, so where y'all at? With slavery, lynching, and them drugs infiltrating. Guys, I'm going to talk about something really serious. I just moved here from Philadelphia and I'm feeling a little homesick. Mainly, I'm just really upset because I really do miss my family. There's some things I don't miss about them, though. For one thing, everybody in my family has always really been used to exploiting me my entire life. Like when I was a kid, they found out at an early age I was actually a decent singer.

So I started singing like Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder, all sorts of things. My family loved listening to like old R&B. It was great. And then they realized like my favorite song to sing was You Are the Sunshine of My Life. And they wanted me to sing that at almost every single family gathering. It got really annoying really quick like i was singing at funerals i was singing at birthday parties i was singing at bar mitzvahs guys singing you are the sunshine of my life at a fucking funeral

is really fucking awkward i'm just not gonna and singing it to to my aunt as her husband's being lowered. Like, just... Whoa, Rob. Whoa, whoa. There's some birds in there, too. Hi, Rob. One punchline in one minute. That's what the...

What was the punchline? Oh, yeah, no, there wasn't one. That's right, thanks. But, I mean, I'm sure that was awkward. Now, it seems like you're telling a very true story from a true place, right? How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for about four years.

Oh, my God. Ralphie, what do you got for Rob? A pink slip? I'm kidding. I wanted you to get into it faster. You came up and you had a dramatic pause and stuff like that. And when you're on a clock, you have to get to it faster. And when you say as a child you were exploited,

When you say as a child you were exploited, the natural tendency is that your uncle sucked you off or something. I mean, you have to be careful with your verbiage, okay? If you're going to go there, go there. But if you're just going to tell a story about singing an awkward song, it doesn't quite have the your uncle blew you. You know what I mean? No need. You have a funny premise.

Sunshine of your life to there, just get to it faster. It's a good premise. It's a very funny, awkward thing to have happen. They want you to sing as they're lowering the husband into the ground. It's fucking funny. Just expound upon it and get to it faster. Yeah. I felt like you walked up here defeated before you even started talking.

Like you kind of, like a good example, many years ago I got to see Phyllis Dillard walk on stage, and she glided. Like it didn't even look like her feet touched the ground and she kind of did this, like, thing with her arm, which would look ridiculous if you did that now. But she just hit the stage like such a star and it was so, like, it just blew my mind

that the moment she was there, you just couldn't take your eyes off of her. And when you walked up, you just looked kind of like, and then you grabbed the mic and paused, and it just didn't look like you were ready to do it. It's true. You seem a little bit happier now than you did during your set. You have a little half-smile going on, right?

That's usually my setup. Gotcha. I usually like to go into longer sets. I usually like to go ahead, and I'm working on this particular bit. I usually like to go into longer sets and try to kind of create a little bit of an awkward laughter. Andy Kaufman was to go ahead and i'm working on this particular bit i usually like to go into longer sets and try to kind of create a little bit of an awkward laughter andy kauffman was actually a big influence of mine early on so i always like to model off they're really awkward kind of weird comics gotcha well in that case i'd say commit to that more you know what i mean if that's what you're going for

because it just came across as sort of uncomfortable you You know what I mean? It seemed like you weren't in control. You know, Andy would go so far to the extreme of making it weird that it would fucking get weird. Like, all the way. Whereas with you it's just like, oh, this is sort of weird, but he's trying to plow through. I'm sure there's a big point coming any second now, and that just

wasn't happening. Probably if I'm doing something like a minute like this, maybe just try to work on more punchlines where I can do shorter sets like this. I like to do a lot of monologues and talk. I usually like to sing in some of my sets. I actually do a lot of stuff at a couple other urban rooms around the area.

You sing You Are My Sunshine? No, I've sung other songs. I've sung... So you end up singing which is exactly what you say your parents exploited you with. Like Rock With You or You Are The Sunshine Of My Life. Things like that. How did you sing up singing which is exactly what you say you're like rock with you or you are the sunshine of my life things like that how did how did you sing at a funeral were you crying no it was actually more or less just it's just I didn't really I had to kind of be nudged like I just went ahead and just sung it just just like I was singing in my room like kind

of almost singing with my eyes closed everybody else crying around you yeah yeah I bet how old were you at the time i was like 15 15 year old singing you are the sunshine of my life at whose funeral again that's my uncle your uncle fuck yeah see that is a pretty creepy situation but i mean if you're gonna go there get into it you know what i mean throw a couple tags in at least if you're gonna do that i mean because that week i looked down i think it was like 45 seconds and he hadn't said one joke yet yeah i mean even if you have if you're a storyteller you still need to sprinkle a little bit of humor into that because then it just is a story you know so i gotcha where you've been doing stand-up for four years uh i actually just moved from Philadelphia, so I was doing it out there for about four years.

Kind of started working on some different materials, some different ideas. A couple of comics told me I was actually pretty good at singing, so I just started implementing that in my act more. Comedians told you that you were good at singing? Like, I did a couple of shows where I actually decided to go ahead and do a bit about going to a karaoke bar with a girl I was going on a date with.

So I started singing some of the songs I did and I just went into the whole story of her kind of reacting to the song. Some people said, hey, that's kind of funny. You should try to do some more singing. Try to incorporate some songs more into your act. Go ahead and do that. Holy shit.

Oh my god, Rob. That was a long answer. Hey, you asked. It's true. I guess I should have known that I was going to get a minute of nothingness. Thank you. Rob Lewis, everybody. There he goes. Good job, man.

Four years in the game. Hey, sometimes it's rough, people. What am I supposed to do? Four years isn't that long. It's true. Yikes. You're going to love this, though. He has the Twitter handle,

at the cool comic. He's that. All one word. He's got it. The cool comic is Rob Lewis, everybody. So follow him on Twitter. Amen to that. Andy was. Follow him on Twitter. Amen to that. Andy was a big influence on me.

That movie, Man on the Moon, the next day I was in a library looking up those shady Andy Kaufman books. It was a real game changer for me. Only because, well, really only because, not style. I saw him when I was like six. Really?

Wrestling, yeah. Oh, you saw him wrestling? Yeah. Wow, and that's like my favorite stuff that he did. He was so great at that. He got the shit kicked out of him by some Tennessee girls. Big old fat bitches whip his ass. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I related to him because when I was a little kid, I used to... I spit on him. You did? Yeah. A lot of people hated him because he'd get the crowd so riled up. All you dumb women and hillbillies.

He would do this thing and he was from Hollywood. They knew him from Taxi already. So he's going, that's right everybody. I'm a TV star and you're just a bunch of idiots. I'm from Nashville. I don't know nothing. you're just a bunch of idiots. I'm from Nashville. I don't know nothing. He would just say the most ignorant shit.

And then he would get into how stupid their women are. Yeah. And then fight them. Right. I'm the women's wrestling champion. I'll take on any woman here. You guys can't wrestle. All you can do is the laundry

and doing the dishes and peeling potatoes. And he would do this all throughout different cities in the South. Sold out arenas of people just going, fuck you! Fuck, it's the best. There's a great documentary on Netflix or something.

It's, what is that called? It's Andy Kaufman World Wrestling Champion, something like that. World Champion of Women's Wrestling. Man, he would... I mean, I spit on him. I fucking... I hated him.

I did... Man, we fucking hated that guy. That is so cool. We loved fucking Lawler, Jerry Lawler. Yeah, Jerry the King. Jerry the King Lawler was awesome. The King of Memphis Wrestling. Yes, sir.

Absolutely. He's still in the game. He does commentary pretty much every night for those guys. You spit on him like a dumb southern redneck kid. Put your hands together

for your next comedian. He goes by the name of Conrad Oddy. Conrad Oddy. Is he coming? Here he is. Conrad Oddy. It's really bright up here.

I like the spotlight. I'm up? Okay. So I recently found out today that my dad is a softie. My mom's kind of a stoic. And the reason I found this out is my cousin, she died this morning. And the reason, yeah, so she died this morning. And the reason, yeah, so she died this morning and, God. My dad, probably with tears in his eye, was giving us the play-by-play, you know, the prognosis doesn't look well,

you know, now she's brain dead, now she's actually, you know, they took her off the life support, yada, yada, yada. And so I go to, I call my mom. I call him, and he's not picking up. So I call my mom, and I say to her, you know, what's going on? Is everything okay? And she says, and I go, you know, I heard about, you know, our cousin. She said, yeah, they're taking care of it tomorrow,

but you've gotten some tickets in the mail. You should take care of them. And it made me realize that my mom, she's very good at compartmentalizing her emotions. My dad's soft. Wow. Fuck yeah. Your cousin died this morning? Yeah.

Well, luckily I know a guy that sings at funerals. Rob Lewis in the flat. Do you do any black guy funerals? Ian Ellis does. Ian do any black guy funerals? Ian Ellis does. Ian Ellis does black guy everything. He might bring some Febreze and a squeegee to the event.

You and Rob Lewis went mono-y monologue. That was something else. Where were you getting at here? What was the big, what were we winding up for? Yeah, it slipped my mind. I wrote it this morning, but it's...

I bet you did. Your cousin died this morning. You couldn't have written that yesterday. Ahead of the news over here. Last time you were on, you were on before, right? No, it was my first time. No, first time?

Oh, okay. Oh, shit. It's the Brian moment of accidental racism. Oh. That's going to be a jingle. That's a permanent jingle. Once an episode.

Accidental racism. I remember who I was thinking of. I thought for sure you had been on the show. He took a bite of your food. He took a bite of his food before talking. You know you're uncomfortable when you just start eating on a podcast. Oh my god, I fucking love it. Fuck yeah, Conrad. So let's talk about it.

Where are you from? What's going on? I am from San Diego. Been here since November. Accidentally ended up here. You're out of it today, aren't you, man? You're having a hard day, right? Were you close to this cousin, or is it like one of those black cousins, you know

what I mean, where it's like eighth cousin, but you say you're cousins, like you're really friends? Alright, I made it weird, guys. That was not accidental racism, that was on purpose racism. That was on purpose racism. Tony Purposeful Racism! racism. That was on purpose racism. Tony purposeful racism. We were pretty close.

I felt this would be a great way to vent a little bit. Really? You thought this would be great? This is not great. Give you the best one minute. It's topical. I'm retiring this joke. It's hard. What you did was important as a comedian that you took some tragedy

and in spite of it, you got on stage and you attempted to make something funny. And that is a huge step in the right direction of being a comic. You can't be shaken. The show must go on. You gotta handle stuff

even when it's the hardest of all time. Yep. You know? You're brave. Good for you. No doubt about it. I really do love that.

You know? And to try to roll with something new, to take that chance instead of trying to phone it in with something you know it's better to work that muscle of having balls than it is to not have balls you know what I mean yeah without a doubt

what do you think of Conrad I thought he thought that was a rough set to come up but I have to I think what you said was spot on because I mean, how many times have you had some bad news and then you still have to go do a set?

Yeah. I got, I found out right before, before I was announced to go on stage that my grandmother had died. And I was just like, fuck. And it shook me.

And that brought up a really good lesson, which is never check your phone right before you get on stage. Because it'll fuck you up. It's not a good thing. If you get good news, it'll throw you off. It's bad news. Oh, we found out we were pregnant with our son. 20 minutes before we had to get on stage. We both had

this fucked up show that night. I took that EPT test right before we got on stage. Not a good time. We could have waited until after the show. That was a fucking bad move, man. Wow. That was a fucking bad move, man. Wow. That's crazy. The good news is I think you wrote your cousin

an obituary tonight. Your father's a softie? I don't know. You guys didn't like that? I was going to say you have 99 problems and an obituary ain't one. I've been waiting 12 years to say that joke and finally found the right opportunity.

Are you sure? No. Okay, okay. No, I wrote it seven seconds before I said it. Conrad, welcome, man. Thank you. Come back any time. Very fun.

If he does, you'll just think he was another black guy that had been here before. It's true. Brian's pretty certain this is your 40th time on the show. He's so fair. Fuck yeah. You know who I was thinking? I was thinking the guy that lived with his grandma.

Oh, I know what you're talking about. They do look alike. No, they really do. I'm from Youngstown, Ohio. I know when they look alike. Conrad Oddy, everybody. He's on Twitter at CaptConrado, like short for captain, but Conrad

with an O at the end. C-A-P-T Conrad O. There he goes. Conrad Oddy, everybody. This is the part of the show where we move into our two fantastic regulars. We have two young ladies that have been doing a new minute every single week. They're the only two people that get automatic spots. That's awesome. They go with us on the road when we go,

and it's always fun to see them watch them grow. And this week's no different, I do believe. Okay, great. You know this first girl as the college dropout from Florida. She quit college right before graduating because she came up on Kill Tony for her very first time on stage. And she's been doing comedy ever since all around town and a new minute every single week.

It's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. How much I love you. So don't take my sunshine away. Hi, guys. Hey, what's up? Guys, guess what? I've been seeing someone

lately. Really excited. All right. I'll take that. That's a confidence booster. Thank right. I'll take that. That's a confidence booster. Thank you. I'll see you all after the show. I have been seeing him. And I think pretty soon here he's going to start seeing me back.

He's really going to. Because I'm walking past a lot. So he's going to pick up the hint pretty soon. It's going to happen. I hate when my boyfriend says, stop calling me that, I don't know you. That's super weird. Stop freaking out.

I knocked, you didn't hear it. I'll get out of your house. Okay, I'm going. Yes, it's your T-shirt. There you go. She knows when it's a minute. That's awesome. Yeah.

That's great. That was punchlines, comedians. Yep. Four or five of them in a minute. You know, when you do, by the way, comedians. Yep. Four or five of them in a minute. You know, when you do, by the way, comedians that, you know, are saying that they do longer sets, if you're doing a three or five minute

showcase set and you still haven't hit a punchline in your first minute, then you're not going to get it. You're not going to do anything. Everybody else is going to have multiple punchlines in that first minute. Nothing should take longer than a minute. No. You know?

Kim, that was fun. You're in crazy girlfriend mode this week, huh? Writing about this. Oh, is this an imaginary boyfriend? Are you really seeing somebody? Well, I got really creepy last weekend, and so I figured I should write about how creepy I've been getting.

I didn't even meet a guy. I saw a guy at an improv show and found him online. Oh, yeah. I saw this whole thing. Oh, yeah. And did you track him down? Well, okay.

See, a lot of guys are telling me not to say anything to him because I'll look desperate. Brian said that. So I didn't give him my number. It does. A girl's not supposed to give you your number. Why?

If I didn't say anything to him. It does. A girl's not supposed to give you your number. Why? If I didn't say anything to him that night and I just saw him, he's never going to come up for my number, right? So I have to ask him or no. What are you talking about? What the fuck is wrong with you? You think you fell in love with this guy based off of how he looks?

No, I just want his number. Why can't I do that? You're totally going to get dicked. Because I want it. You're totally going to get dicked. Because I want it. You're totally going to get dicked. And that's fine. I know, right? I just thought I'd...

Just in case you didn't know, you're totally going to get fucked. Okay, that's great. Well, why can't I just ask for a guy's number? Why is that an issue? I'm saying you can. Yeah, why not? Yeah, good for you.

Knock yourself out. Thanks. That's the push you needed, I guess. You're courageous. You're up here talking about it. Why not get his number? Yeah, well, I already went the creepy route, so we're done with it anyways. Let's move on.

You're done with what? The whole... I think the whole relationship, Tony. Wow, Stuart moved his mic up. It's interesting. Patriot, I've never seen with an actual mic stand at mouth level before in 72 or 73 episodes, whatever this is, but that's amazing.

Yeah, well, the stuff inside is not working, so. His dick shorted it out. Yeah, that monster white cock. Three and a half inches of thunder. Kim. Yeah. I'm really over it. What's wrong?

Nothing. I'm never the creepy one. I'm just amazed. I like the creepy things. You see so many guys. You're in Hollywood. You're doing a lot of spots. You're getting around town. So I'm just surprised that you saw

some guy and based off of this look I know because I hate them all. What does he look like? He's just hot. White or black? He's a little bit of both. He's a little bit of both? Alright. Short hair? Long hair? Clean cut?

I think we're asking about a dog, Red Band. Has he been fixed? I've been through enough with having to message him. I've been through a lot, guys. Wow, alright. Fuck yeah. She'll be here next week

performing Deaf Wanna F. She's watching! she'll be here next week performing deaf wanna f anything else for kim guys she's writing a new minute each week i think that's such a great exercise uh comedians when the first time they go up on stage they have five new minutes and they never get back to that type of courage for years where they just go up with ten minutes they've never done before and you're doing a minute every week you're on pace you're so far ahead of your peers

just by going through this exercise, congratulations and I'm proud of you I think you're really funny thank you very much thank you Lana, I would get crazier and I'm proud of you. I think you're really funny. Thank you very much. Thank you. Lana? I would get crazier.

Get more into the stalking part. I liked it. I like the, like even think of some creepier things that you did. Oh, I've done creepy things. Right. Like printed out the photo

and framed it or something like that from Facebook. Right. I like looking at the first profile picture. You click and then you go left and you always get the first one. And then you see what they're really about.

Wow. Okay, bye. There she goes. She's going crazy, everybody, and I like it. I think we're about to see big breakthroughs on the front of Kimberly Congdon. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon, guys. Her egg is

swole. Yeah, she's got that Latina clock is ticking loud. I'm pretty sure the big hand is moving faster than the little hand. That makes no sense. Guys, our other regular, always goofy stylings

of a regular on this podcast and on Dysentery. Put your hands together for Sarah Weinschenk, everybody. What's up? I love right before I come on, Brian says her egg is swole. I feel like that's a good place to start. Guys, my Lyft driver yesterday showed up

with driving gloves. Leather driving gloves. My first thought was not, oh, he takes driving seriously. My first thought was, fuck, this is some O.J. Simpson shit right here. But I'm still here. So it turns out he does take driving seriously. Fooled me.

He might also have light OCD. Debatable. Alright. So, I have a problem with these blogger bitches in LA referring to themselves as gypsies. It's something that I keep saying. Like on Instagram. Gypsy. Gypsy.

It's like, do you know what a gypsy is, bitch? You're not... Was there more to that what would go on yeah i was gonna go into what a gypsy is it's like a nomadic you know romanian woman i think you saw one blog that called it themselves a gypsy lots of blogs really fashion blogs yes reading a lot of blogs huh a lot of blogs I love your attitude thank you look at me I'm snarky that's great my dad used to buy me isotoner gloves

every year as a stocking stuffer what they used to be really popular in the 80's like isotoner gloves everybody had them for some reason. In Ohio, a lot of people wear them because it's so cold that you want to be able to hold the steering wheel without freezing. But you should look into Isotoner.

There's a lot of funny there. Isotoner. Isotoner. All right. Form-fitting gloves. Form-fitting gloves. Did you just tell her to work in Isotoner? That's hilarious

Don't ever do that Really? I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about I'm like so gullible Whatever Red Vans said Come up with a 30-year-old reference That's what makes you hip I meant to just go look at them Because it's hilarious

There's a whole lifestyle of people that still wear isotone are you fucking with me? and members only jackets that's true I think you're fucking funny I think that this has proven that

chicks are the fucking best ones at this no doubt about it we're creating little monsters here. Yeah, you are. Yeah, they're fucking funny too. They know punchlines. They don't take no bullshit. I like both y'all.

I think you're fucking great. Both of you guys are like strong women to me. Like you're the one that's owning it even though you're stalking her. Yeah, you're like, I'm going for it. Right. You're fucking funny, man. I think both of y'all are hilarious.

Thank you. Congratulations. Thanks. It was definitely an awesome, awesome set. I love you've definitely added a new, you know, I don't get the blogging gypsy thing. No, that's crazy talk. But that 45 seconds. That will go nowhere.

Okay, okay. Yeah, gypsy, gypsy, gypsy. Throw that one away. I Yeah, gypsy, gypsy, gypsy. Throw that one away. I'm a gypsy. Yeah, only you were reading fashion blogs, Sarah. Yeah, you're right. Well, I should have extended the Lyft driver thing for the full minute, but I ran out of stuff to talk about, so then I added that gypsy.

What's a Lyft driver? It's like an Uber, right? It's like an Uber, except they have a pink mustache. They're a little bit cheaper than an Uber. They're the cheapest. It's like normal people. That's not even true. It's like the same price. But maybe even explaining what Lyft is,

because some places in the country might not even have that. Cool. Or just cab. Uber or Lyft, like the shitty cab version. The shittier version of Uber? Should I just say Uber? Is that more mainstream? Just like Uber or Lyft, like the shitty cab version or whatever. The shittier version of Uber? Should I just say Uber? Is that more mainstream?

I don't think so. Not even. A lot of people don't know what it is still. Why leave a spot for any contention at all? Just say a cab. Cab. Yeah. And cab, it's shorter. It's one syllable.

It's got the K in it. It's better. Cab is shorter. It's one syllable. It's got the K in it. It's better. Cab is better. It's got the K in it. Okay. Cool. Yeah, that was awesome. Cool.

There you go. Sarah Weinschenk, everybody. She's on Twitter at Princess Schenck. The girls are killers, right? Yeah, killers. Guys, sorry to break the news to you, but we did it. That girls are killers, right? Yeah, killers. Guys, sorry to break the news to you, but we did it. That's Kill Tony, everybody.

Stuart Thompson, the Iron Patriot this week. You can find him on Twitter. Where at, Stuart? At Stuart B. Thompson. Anything else coming up you want to promote? All the Flappers on Wednesday at 9.30. There you go. Flappers Wednesday at 9.30. How about Ralphie and Lana? What's up?

You want to promote anything? I got my special out on iTunes. That's right. And I'm going to be on a TV show on True TV called How to Be a Grown-Up in a couple months. I love it. That's coming out next month, actually. Find her album. That's Lana, L-A-H-N-A.

Yeah. Turner. Ralphie underscore May on Twitter. Hit me up. Let's talk. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, live audience. So much fun. That's talk. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, live audience. So much fun.

That's Kill Tony, everybody. Elyse Lane killed it tonight with sesame, ginger, steak, and tofu stir fry with baby bok choy and silvered almonds and sticky rice. Thank you so much, everybody. Have a great night. See you. See you. Just might let you meet Ye Chi-towns, B-roads, moving to next BK Balls so hard, motherfuckers wanna find me

That shit crack That shit crack That shit crack Balls so hard, motherfuckers wanna find me That shit crack That shit crack That shit crack She said, Ye, can we get married at the mall?

I said, look, you need to crawl for your ball Come and meet me in the bathroom style Outro Music you