KILL TONY - KILL TONY #73

Episode Date: November 24, 2014

David Arquette, Dan St. Germain, Tony Hinchcliffe, Justin Willman, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Autistic Patriot/Joshua Meyrowitz, Brian Redban – Date: 10/06/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Please check out our website, deathsquad.tv. Click on tour dates to find out when the next Death Squad secret show is. We do these shows now called Death Squad Secret Show at the Comedy Store once, sometimes twice a month. They're usually on a Wednesday or a Thursday. In the past, we've had the return of Joe Rogan, Doug Stanhope, Doug Benson, Bill Burr, Steve Rinozzese, a bunch of people. So it's always a lot of fun, and it's a huge show. So check it out.

Also check out every Friday, we're at the Ice House doing either Thunder Pussy or a comedy show. So check out the Ice House. Also, you can go to icehousecomedy.com and always find out the dates and shows. But the easiest way is just deskwad.tv and click on tour dates also check out our store shopsquad.tv that's what's barely keeping death squad alive we have t-shirts and mugs and hoodies and all

a bunch of stuff and I know there's a lot of stuff out of stock but we should have some new stuff in soon so check out shopsquad.tv alright guys so this episode of we should have some new stuff in soon. So check out shopsquad.tv. All right, guys. So this episode of Kill Tony is the last episode we used. We had a mixing board from episode one to this episode. We've had this same mixing board,

and it's been pretty troublesome with the sound. A lot of short circuits and a lot of just horrible sound coming from this thing. And this, unfortunately, this episode was the episode that died. So the audio is not the best on this episode because we were using the camera mic. But the next episode is when we get the new equipment and everything starts sounding good again. So, unfortunately, this episode's not the best, but I've tried to clean it up as much as possible so it sounds as good as it can get. So, all right, check it out.

And don't forget to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. All right, guys, here's a new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rick Van, coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony,

Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hickscliff! Fuck yes! Fuck yes, everybody! We're doing it again! Welcome to Kel Tony, everybody! Happy Monday! Fuck yeah! It's a very exciting one tonight. Before we get into everything that we're here about to see, amazing stuff tonight. Congratulations for making it out. This audience is small but mighty.

I'm excited. Wow. You're talking about it. We've been spoiled rotten lately. This place has been filled with pills. I invited a couple HBO friends of mine, but I see they're not here, so we're not going to make it this week.

It's okay. The S.T.A.R.S. guys are back there. Oh, I love them. Hello, S.T.A.R.S. Welcome. We have some fun announcements. How about this? You Kill Tony fans, and I know you're out there,

because I talked to you when I was in Toronto last Friday, and you guys said, hey, when's Kill Tony coming to Toronto? Guess what? I promised an announcement last week that had to do with Toronto and Kill Tony, and I'm making it tonight. It's November 7th. Kill Tony live from Toronto, Canada, everybody.

We're going international. We're going international. Also, don't forget, Red Band and I are in Phoenix on October the 26th. They make these phones so fancy

however it takes forever for stuff to load still yeah well we're in a comedy store that's why we are going to be here 23rd Thursday October 23rd so for those of you that were available the 26th cancel your plans from the 23rd

we're going to be there instead I'm wearing a shirt from our friends at Homage, everybody. Shawn Michaels, the Heartbreak Kid. I promised a wrestling t-shirt last week, and I'm wearing it tonight. Our friends at Homage, that's H-O-M-A-G-E. Awesome t-shirts there. I know a lot of our listeners didn't go to college, but if you have a favorite college sports team

including the Ohio State Buckeyes you can get a lot of great gear from our friends at Amish who are now sending me fucking t-shirts, baby yes, that's magical another fun thing I wore a hoodie called Kill Cliff at a UFC event

and I didn't realize I was promoting a company but those guys were really nice they got excited, they sent me a bunch of energy drinks so thank you, Kill Cliff at a UFC event, and I didn't realize I was promoting a company, but those guys were really nice. They got excited. They sent me a bunch of energy drinks, so thank you, Kill Cliff, as well. It's true. Yeah, it's true. Hilarious.

I thought it was cool because the show's Kill Tony, and my last name's Hinchcliffe. I saw a thing that said Kill Cliff. I'm like, fuck it. I don't know what this is. And then they got really excited because they were like, perfect. That's exactly the type of event

where we want you to wear our shirt. What? All right, great. So like, perfect, that's exactly the type of event where we want you to wear our shirt. What? All right, great. So, kill a cliff. That's great. And don't forget, Brian's going to Ohio. Check out all those fun dates at DeathSquad.tv. Ohio and Michigan, Indiana, Sacramento, San Francisco.

Yes, exactly. Guess what, guys? We only have one. Well, after those seven sponsors we used to only have one sponsor on our show every single week up until this point

it's the lovely Elise Lane everybody she cooks four day meals for us Brian's got a whole piece of chicken oh don't do it

oh okay alright everybody things just got weird that delicious was that delicious? Okay. You have grease rolling down your thumb.

So every week she cooks me and the guests a meal. So, you know, that's amazing. You get gourmet foods. She's a gourmet chef. Her new show is on Netflix. It's called Kitchen Cutthroat. Cutthroat Kitchen. Okay, I wasn't that far off. You don't have to laugh like that. It's not a new show.

It's not a TV show. It's not a new show. Oh, it's not a new show, but it's called, what is it? It just got released on Netflix. Cutthroat Kitchen. It just got released on Netflix. Cutthroat Kitchen. Check her out. She's a recipe checker. You can hire her for work. She's Elise released on Netflix. Cutthroat Kitchen. It just got released on Netflix. Cutthroat Kitchen. Check her out. She's a recipe checker.

You can hire her for work. She's Elise Lane on Twitter. That's E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N. She checks other people's cookbooks. When you read a cookbook, that chef has to make sure that they're not putting garbage out there that tastes like crap. So she literally makes their recipes, tries them, and says, you need more salt, fuckhead.

And that's what she does for a job, by the way. I can't imagine how many fat fucks just got super jealous listening to this from all around the world. It's like, what? That's a job? Eat another bite of chicken, but it's not going to be as good as Elise Lane's. Now, what we started doing a few weeks ago is I used to read the recipes. It's always fancy gourmet stuff and I realized that it's sometimes hard to pronounce. Like sometimes there's French words and crazy words and all this and that. Our runaround producer, you know him as the famous Josh Martin on this show, he has a little bit of a speech impediment. So for the last two weeks, what we've been doing is we've been having him read the recipes.

weeks, what we've been doing is we've been having him read the recipes. Exactly. Now, after one week, we added a catch to this part of the show, and that's that if he stops at any point while reading the recipe, or stutters on one of the words, Brian gets to flick him in the

nuts. Why is there a ninja star? With a Chinese star. remember we did it last week which reminds me which reminds me when in toronto i get to roast ron jeremy everybody to rip up the dark comedy fest and you're gonna see that why that reminds me of that that ninja star going against somebody's nuts is because on the day as rumors of John Wayne Bobbitt remember him I get to make fun of John Wayne Bobbitt my life is complete however his dick will not be there

they didn't put it back on right or did they I don't really care I'm gonna say he doesn't have a dick no matter what I like to think that they put it back on, right? Or did they put it back on? I don't really care. I'm gonna say he doesn't have a dick no matter what. I like to think that they put it back on and every time it comes it comes out the side like a garden hose and sprays it. It's probably like one of the sprinkler systems. Alright, let's get into it. I'm gonna tell ya. Josh, I never let Josh read the recipes beforehand and I I will admit, this is a fucking tough one tonight, Josh. So, Brian, I'm going to warn you before, maybe not flick him too hard. I use a sword.

He's never gotten flicked, by the way. He's made it through. We found out that the only way that he doesn't have a speech impediment is if his balls are on the line. So, it's going to be really exciting, everybody. Put your hands together for Josh Martin. Here he is. Brian, for some reason, has a full-sized samurai sword. Josh, go ahead and read that recipe. Read it into the microphone. Welcome to show business, Josh. Is this all Spanish? Yep. Grab the microphone.

Say it into the microphone so that the hundreds of thousands of listeners can hear it, not just the 43 packed in this room. Give me one second. Oh, my God. Josh, you've got to say it. I feel like I should just get hit in the nuts because I'm not going to say this. Brian, watch out for behind you. She made... Peter, I'll see you.

Con. Pantanilla. D. That's the fault of the suspect. Tita a la CJ con Pantanila D Just hit me. Just punch me in the balls. Don't punch me in the balls. Don't punch him hard, Brian. Please.

I beg you. Just a little tap. It shouldn't be a punch. There you go. He didn't even flinch. Did you miss my ball? Oh, okay. What an idiot.

I can't believe you told him that you missed the ball. You get what you deserve. Josh is laughing, by the way, for all you PETA people that might be listening to this show. Would you like a courtesy snob? No, I'm good. Save it for dysentery, Brian. Save it for dysentery. By the way, I can probably enunciate this.

I'm going to go for it. It's pitu ala sidra con patinas y gusantes asterias. Thumbs up from Elise Lane, who fucking almost killed me when I said kitchen cup roast, so you know I'm right. Why did it get weird in here? What happened? You guys feel bad for Josh? Look at him. He's already happy. He's tweeting about it right now, standing there

with his phone lit up. You guys ready for something really special? The last few weeks, I've had the pleasure of working with one of my funniest pals. He has the newest pilot for Comedy Central, and I've had the pleasure of working with him, and he is a magician.

He's the first ever magician to get a Comedy Central pilot. Is that exciting or what? We're going to be shooting the show in a couple weeks and he's here to test out some of his stuff. You guys down for that? I bet you are. Put your hands together for the great Justin Wilman, everybody!

Here he is! Yes! Tony and Brian. Hi, guys. How's it going? How's it going? Really great booking a magician on an audio podcast. What the fuck are you doing? What are you listening to?

Hello, sir. How are you? Good. What's your name? Brad. Brad. Brad, you doing? What's your name? Brad Brad, you're about to get magished Brad, do me a favor my friend I need you to please name any type of vegetable or fruit

Brad, nice and loud Any type of vegetable or fruit Grape Grape? Fuck Okay For the listeners, I nailed it. I nailed it. Great one.

So, oh, before I do anything, there's a box right here. Did you guys see the box that Brian almost knocked over? There's a box. The box is elevated. You can see behind it, yes. There's nothing above it, nothing below it. I'm not going to touch the box until later. The box is going to be very important in a second.

Listeners, there's a box. There's a box. What's in the box would be very important in a second. Listeners, there's a box. There's a box! What's in the box? So I've been a magician since I was 12, which is kind of crazy, and in those six years, you know, I've noticed that a lot has changed that affects my job, most notably Google.

Have you thought about this, Tony? Yeah. How bad Google is for a magician? Yeah. Pick up the mic just for that, yeah. No, but, like, my job as a magician is to give people wonder and mystery, you know? Do things that you can't explain. And Google's job is to kill wonder and mystery by explaining everything.

Like, when I used to do a trick back in the day, people were like, Whoa, Justin, that's amazing, I'm never going to forget that. And now I do a trick, people are like, Whoa, I'm going to remember that so I can go home and Google it. And it sucks for me. The great magicians didn't have to deal with Google. Houdini, Blackstone, Jesus, their... Their tricks were safe, but for me, it sucks. I'm gonna fight back, okay? I need everyone to do me a favor. Just silently, if everybody could think of...

Think of a celebrity in your minds, okay? If everybody could think of a celebrity. And I'm not gonna use you again, if that's okay, because that didn't work out well. Hello, how are you? What's nice to meet you. Are you thinking of a celebrity? Yeah. What is the celebrity you're thinking of? Betty White. Betty White. Okay, this is good. Betty White. And then real quick, first off, we don't know

each other, right? We don't know each other, right? We're not Facebook friends or anything? No. Honestly, truly? No. Okay, I don't follow you on Twitter? No. You don't follow me on Twitter? No.

You should. You should. But you don't, right? We're I don't follow you on Twitter? You don't follow me on Twitter? You should. You should. But you don't, right? We're not Tinder buddies or anything like that? Grindr? Snapchat? No? You've never seen my dick?

Okay. I've never seen your dick. It's very important. Strangers. And you could have said any celebrity. You said Betty White, yes? People, if inside this box has been isolated the whole time, you've been watching behind it, above it, behind it, above it, below it, in front of it. If inside that box is a prediction that states

Betty White, that'd be a genuine, unexplainable miracle, am I right? Yeah! Fucking amazing. Ladies and gentlemen, here it is. Sitting atop the printer the entire time. Betty White. Betty White. That's been there since the beginning.

Whoa! You don't have to clap. You don't have to clap. It's okay. I get it. It's because you see the breaker. I'm just going to spoil it a little bit. That's the thing. That's my point, okay?

We know. It sounds exciting. If you didn't know, you'd be like, wow, how did he get Betty White in the box? But we know that I have a printer and I have a buddy with an iPad up there. I have a new Wi-Fi connection. I was just killing time while I printed talking about our dicks, you know what I mean? That was important ad-libs.

That's the problem. We think we want to know how magic works, but it doesn't work well. We don't need to know everything in this world. It's more fun to believe that there's a Santa. It's more fun to believe that Bruce Willis is alive the whole time. In the sixth sense.

We don't want to know when we're going to die, right? July 11th, 2031. We don't want to know when we're going to die, right? July 11th, 2031. We don't want to know all this stuff. So I'm trying to bring mystery back. I want to help you not know again. Is that okay? All right. Google that, bitches.

For your listeners, I made a fucking elephant appear. It's amazing. So there's that. No, actually, Tony, what's funny is that it's ironic is that I rail on technology, yet I am a proud owner of the iPhone 6. Anybody else have the iPhone 6?

Yeah. I upgraded from a 3 so I can brag about it. You know what's new to me that I didn't have before? Siri. Have you guys tried Siri? Two years ago? Okay, alright. Siri's amazing. Like, this is one time where technology actually can make your life better.

I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try this We're going to see if Siri can teach us a magic trick. I'm going to break this out. Hold on. This is just a mic stand. Yeah. X2. I love that I was just talking about how high techtech things are, and this is about to get really ghetto, but this will work. Hello, Siri.

Hello, Justin. Can you teach me a magic trick? Did you say, teach me a magic trick? Did you say, teach me a magic trick? Yes. Okay. I will help you create a magic trick using ordinary objects in your vicinity. Okay. What objects do you have nearby?

Okay. What objects do you have nearby? A cloth napkin, banana, water... Perfect. Use the cloth napkin and the bandana. I said a cloth napkin and a banana. Correct. The bandana. Pick up the bandana.

Now, fold the bandana in half. Siri. Trust me, Justin. Fold it in half. Trust me Justin, fold it in half. Now, fold it one more time. Take the folded bandana and hide it in your left hand. Remember to keep your hand held in a natural position. This is called palming. Now that you have mastered palming, we are ready to begin. Open up the folded Show the audience it's a regular bandana.

If an audience member does not believe it is a real bandana, allow him to wipe his face on it. Pick up the cloth napkin and gather the corners together, forming a makeshift bag. Using your free hand, fold the bandana along the creases you made earlier. And drop it into the makeshift bag. into the makeshift bag. From the outside of the napkin, squeeze the bandana into a small little ball. What the audience didn't see is that you never really put the bandana

into the napkin at all. You really kept it hidden in your left hand. Remember plumbing? Now, make a magical gesture. The big finale. Fling open the napkin and receive your well-deserved applause. Boom!

Justin Willman! Thank you so much! Thank you, I feel like I'm having a night out. So glad. Justin Willman! Unbelievable. He's a demon. He is a dark wizard. I'm so sorry. Thank you very much! Justin Willman! Unbelievable. He's a demon.

He is a dark wizard of sorcery. Yeah. In the old days, we would drown in him. That's true. Witchcraft. Josh Martin grabbing a banana. One more time for Justin Willman, everybody. One more time for Justin Willman, everybody.

You know, there was a mirror right there, and I'm like, aha, I got him. I'm looking really close. I'm looking at the mirror. I'm looking at everything. What the fuck? It was really good. That's insane.

They don't just give any magician a Comedy Central show. So, Justin Willman, one more time, right? Come on. What's his Twitter handle? He's at Justin underscore Willman. Alright, cool. The other, one named Justin Willman, some douchey college student.

Why doesn't he make that guy disappear then? That's a good point. There you go. Brian with the magic joke. By the way, Elyse Lane's on Twitter at E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N and at TheGirlWithAPan on Instagram and Facebook. Thank you to Elyse Lane, who's now picking up her boyfriend from the airport. Guys, we have a crazy, crazy show for you. You guys ready for this?

Yeah. Come on. It's the Belly Room Monday show for you. You guys ready for this? Yep. Come on. It's Belly Room Monday Night Killtongue. Are you ready? Come on out to the room for tonight's guest. I'm excited about this one. Oh, yes. Actually, before we do that, as with every single episode we've ever done,

we have a head of security every week that keeps us safe and keeps an eye on us and makes sure that everything goes okay. This is our record-setting holder patriot at I believe five or six times. He is autistic and he's completely diagnosed and he owns it. A lot of his stand-up has to do with his autism. He's one of my favorite people, one of my favorite young comics to watch and he grows constantly. One our funniest friends you know him as Joshua Meyerowitz everybody. The Autistic Patriot. Full of more autism. This guy is good at what he does. Autistic Patriot. How's it going?

How's it going? Great. Good to see you. Good to be here. Are you excited about tonight's show? Absolutely. I bet you are. You're a fan of both wrestling and comedy, and there's a lot of both. And movies, and there's a lot of everything mixed in on this one. Psyched. So you ready for it? I'm there jizzing already.

Me too. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for tonight's guests. It's Dan St. Germain and David Arquette, everybody! But, make some noise! David Arquette, Dan St. Germain! It's all happening. I've been waiting a long time to get you two guys on. This has been a long time coming.

Well, thanks for having me. I'm David. I speak for the collective. I'm glad you guys made it. David, I'm wearing a Shawn Michaels shirt. Some of you may not know, but if you don't, I feel bad for you. Former WCW heavyweight champion. Thank you.

Thank you. I don't even deserve that up here. I don't, but my great kid does. That's great. And you're supporting a Bruce Lee. We're not that far off. Dan, things are going good for you. Yeah, things are good.

You're a space comic, but loved very much in L.A. You're working on a couple projects right now. Yeah, big ones. Me and Dean Cain have a new improv. It's going real well. A lot of Christianship, but seriously, I'm going to get past that and it works great. You can join if you want.

I got Dennis Woodruff. We're doing that thing together. Maybe we should bring them all together. Kevin Sorbo? It'll be the funniest people in Los Angeles. I love it. David, we met at the roast of the Iron Sheik in the main room at the conference. Oh, you guys went to that? That's the funniest people in Los Angeles. I love it. David, we met at the roast of the Iron Sheik in the main room at the conference. Oh, you guys went to that?

That's right. Yes, we did. David hosted it. That was, I've never hosted anything like that. And I'm not like a mean person, so I find it very hard to roast people. Because if you're not going to be mean, you shouldn't be at a roast. It's true. He was hosting it, and he was so nice

but meanwhile you know people like me and these other you know young comics that got a chance to light up David Arquette

well we went for it so you could you could watch his disappointments sometimes your head would turn like a little puppy in some of these jokes

like what did I ever do to you I would totally go into like school like yard mode where it's like, why are you being mean to me? I thought we were supposed to... What have I done to deserve this?

Also, it's kind of fucked up like somebody with one fuse credit is going after a guy who's in, like, one of the most successful horror movies of all time. Like, no, that guy's the problem. Fuck you, I've been on G4.

No, that guy's the problem. Fuck you, I've been on G4. Now, every week, our Patriot always has a question for the guests. What do you got for tonight's guest, Patriot? I'd like to start from right to left with Dan. Dan. Thank you. You've been a guest on many shows, talk shows like Conan.

I love it that autism isn't even in your top five problems. Captain America. Hey, listen, I don't normally win, so I got a lot of problems, yeah. You've been on Conan, you've been on podcasts like this and WTF,

and you've been on regular TV shows that I'm blanking on. How Autistic I Was. I was on Becker for four seasons. Good reference, good reference. I'm the Matt Pinfield of comedy. Nice reference.

Oh my god, meta reference. It really is. MTV'd in the 90s a long time ago. I might be autistic. Yeah. We have a lot to talk about. We could be spectrum sisters. Is there a show that you want to be on that you're scared you're never going to get to be on? I mean, first one comes to mind is Comics Unleashed.

Every day I send in a new tape and I get notes back, but I'm trying. That or Army Wives. You could play like a grizzled old vet. Yeah, exactly. How about for David? Yes, I have two questions. Starting as a wrestling fan, I remember seeing Ready to Rumble in 2000. I was thinking about it and I'm glad I got to ask you,

do you have any quick anecdotes about, like, being with the wrestlers on set, particularly Macho Man Randy Savage? Oh, man. Macho Man was there, and I think Miss Elizabeth was there, too. She's here now. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, baby. But they were really just

gracious, sweet people, you know. Hurricane Chain Helms did all my stunt, like, big stunt

work on that. That makes sense. So he took like the big suplex that was in that scene.

This guy gets geeky for people that aren't even wrestling. But for me, I was sitting there by the

monitor like, oh, this is amazing. Was he the same, was a different stunt guy that that did the big motorcycle into the cage? Yeah, different stunt man for the motorcycle. That was actually all over plan. But the greatest thing about Macho Man Randy Savage is,

you'd think when he's not on camera, he's like, hey, David, I'm Randy Savage. No, brother, he's always like this. It's nice to meet you, baby. The dream of the pop. Yes. He's a good character all the time. What was your second question? My second question is, I'm also a big Howard Stern fan,

and you've been on there a tremendous amount of times. And I noticed you're, oh, yes, I would send every one. Except you're going. Focus. All right, yes. I would send everyone. I still can't go in. Focus! Focus! All right, anyway. I get a feeling like you should be the guy to replace the Artie Lang seed. Do you think you deserve something like that?

No, absolutely not. I mean, for one, thank you. I so appreciate that. But they don't really need it. You know what I mean? I don't know. I went in and I was able to sit in one time and I think I might have done something to like make Howard uncomfortable because they have just their flow

Just like you don't know where to jump in and you don't know what it you know what I mean? And you're trying and you're just trying to do improv like or like, not improv, but just stay in the flow. They have you on constantly. You're definitely one of the most... I've never been asked to come back to sit in. So it's like, I don't think... It's understandable. Artie's a hardware place anyway.

Absolutely. And I'd love to be involved in the show in any way. I mean, it's just a fun thing to just be a part of and fans to come up. Tommy, you know what a fun fact about David? Thank you, Dan. I actually, when's just a fun thing to just be a part of and fans to come up. Tommy, you want to know a fun fact about David? Take it down. I actually, when I lived in Ohio, I was the manager of a really small independent movie theater for a long time,

and we got one of Dave's movies in called Dream of the Fishes, which is one of my favorite movies of the whole entire world. Oh, my favorite movie. Somebody brought their DVD to get signed. You know what? This is really hard to find. It was a small movie, and the soundtrack is one of the best soundtracks.

What we were listening to all day, if you guys have been sitting here for a while. But it's one of my favorite movies. When they have a small run movie theater, it only lasts about one or two weeks. But I was so excited about it, I told the manager that if I didn't get it, if he let me have one more week,

I would pay for the rental of the film, and I ended up selling it out for like three shows in, and I totally impressed everyone. Check it out, you can find it, Dream of the Fishes. I'm going to leave some DNA on that for you. I'll link it like it was the Polar Crazy

Girls. The bowling alley theme, or the bowling alley scene. Yes, naked bowling. You should all do it. What was it like working with Wes Craven? Was that crazy? Is he a creepy guy? No, he's not creepy at all.

More movies, come on. He's a professor. He's just the smartest man in the room, a sweetheart, the greatest guy you've ever... But he gets a real thrill out of scaring people. I bet. Yeah, he does. I know, there might be something crazy going on behind closed doors. He's probably scared

more people than anybody else. All those Nightmare on Elm Street screen, all that stuff. Oh, yeah. Well, great to have you guys here. Are you ready to get the show kick-started? You know the deal. Comedians sign up for the chance to do one minute on a live podcast.

They do one minute of stand-up material that they haven't done on the show before. So maybe it's brand new. Maybe they're just trying to get through it. Whatever. We talk to them afterwards about anything we want to talk with them about. You know that your time is up, comedians. You know one minute's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Oh, that's so adorable.

Josh is louder than the cat. I'm sorry. One more time, the sound of a kitty, everybody. Adorable. That means wrap it up. You can't go over your time. Girl, you're sure gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There he is.

A little bit of puppy and horse at the end there. Puppy and a horse running from the bear. So you guys ready to get this thing started or what? Here we go. All these people have been. For the last few weeks we've had people that have driven here from South Carolina

and Florida and Canada and a bunch of crazy places because they listen to the podcast and it inspires them to start and then they're here.

Nice. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Erin Maliner. Oh, that's nice of you, Erin, because she's not here. Yeah.

Well, she just got blacklisted. Fuck yourself! That's right. That's what happens. If you miss your spot here, you never get another chance. I'd like a plug for Pee Wee Herman, Paul Rubin,

on Blacklist Tonight. You just said blacklisted. Blacklist Tonight at DVR. I guess it's too late now. Sorry. Huey Herman. Hype man. Yeah.

What about Dear Paul? What a wannabe. He's on the show Blacklist tonight. Tonight. He's got to run. All right. Well, here's the next name I pulled out. Sterling Scott, everybody.

Sterling. Sterling. I like that name. We, everybody. Sterling. Sterling. Sterling. Sterling. I like that name. I don't know where it's at. I don't know where it's at. But, yeah, he's right. Yeah, yeah.

All right, well, I get to do a lot of shows across Canada. Yes, I'm Canadian. And I got to do a show at a gay club, and it was a lot of fun, because at the end of the show, all the gay dudes wanted to buy me drinks And fuck you, I like free alcohol I was drinking

And I called my friend to tell him how much fun I was having He was like, where are you? And when I told him, he was like Get the fuck out of there! And I was like, why? I'm having the time of my life And he was like, listen to me They are trying to get you drunk so they

can have sex with you. I was like, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You can't drink yourself gay, you moron. It doesn't work that way. It's not four pints I'm tipsy, seven I'm sucking a cock. It doesn't work that way.

At no point in time in a straight man's life do you ever wake up naked, cuddling another man and think to yourself, who had too much tequila? That's all my time, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Heck yeah.

So you're from Canada. Yes, I am. I'm from Toronto, actually. Really? From Toronto. Exciting. How long are you in town for? A month. Nice. When did you get here?

Yesterday. Oh, nice. Yeah, so I came down to, you know, see what it's like in the States, you know, because everybody in Toronto, you know, I'm a headliner across Canada, actually, and I came here and said, well, am I actually funny across the board in America as well? And so, so far it's been a lot of fun. I got to do Chocolate Sundays, and now I'm here with you guys. So, so far I feel like it's been a great time since I've been here so far.

Thank you. David, you ever been to Toronto? I have. I enjoyed Toronto. Awesome city, right? Yeah, absolutely. What do you think of the styles of Sterling Scott? I enjoyed it very much. Thank you so much.

The only thing I had a problem with is, you know, it has to ring true, and if I drink too much, I do turn a little gay. I'll just say it. I'll just say it. A pair makes nine shots for this one over here. Yeah, in college, I got my dick sucked by a guy. I don't give a shit.

I still got laid last week. If you fuck one dude, you can still have sex with girls. That's how it works. It's not a big deal. Did you close your eyes? Did you look him in the eyes when it was happening?

I just... No, he sucked my dick. Whatever. Here's the thing, here's the thing. Here's the thing, it's like, he went on to be a Broadway choreographer, so I got like the fucking Jessica Alba of gays. I didn't have any gays that I ever did with any straight my entire fucking life. So go fuck yourself, I'm the man.

Women, you want to get close to Broadway? Fuck my dick. I love that. Damn, Saint Germain is here, everybody. Fuck yeah. You were awesome, though. Thank you so much. I really loved it.

You know, I've gotten gay with myself a few times, but it's always been trying to like kiss my dick and I can just touch it with like the tip of my tongue so that's kind of gay.

Just put that hat in your ears. The hat and the mustache you look like one of Sandusky's Miracle Mile kids. Oh my god. I don't think I've ever...

Have you ever... I've never gotten... Well, by the way, by the way, has every guy tried to suck his own dick? Yes. However,

I'll tell you this. What you just said, there's something really gay about just trying to kiss you. There's something about making an effort to just peck your penis. You give your dick a haiku afterwards? Oh my God.

So Sterling, what else is on your agenda? You're in Los Angeles. You're born and raised in Toronto. Born and raised in Toronto, Scarborough, Ontario to be exact. What's the other black guy in Toronto doing? He's on the rafters. That's the biggest misconception actually. Toronto has a lot of black people. It's when I moved out to Edmonton that they didn't have any black people.

It was just me and then the other guy. Like we get excited we see each other. We say, hi, you know him? No. If you saw a penguin, you'd be like, what the fuck are you doing here? That's how I feel about that. Oh, get out of this shit. So now that I'm here, it's pretty much the same goddamn thing.

It hasn't changed. It gives me the stay out here, man. I love your energy, your stage presence, everything. You seem like a really awesome guy. So great meeting you, man. Yeah. All right. We'll go ahead and get that change. Skirling Scott really awesome guy. Well, thank you so much. Great meeting you.

Follow him on Twitter. Sterling's Jokes. Sterling's Jokes is him on Twitter. And hopefully Sterling will swing by the Kill Tony that's in Toronto November 7th. We're going to be there. So sign up for that, Sterling. We hope to have you on. In fact, you can just

do a spot on it if you're there. Did you hear that, Sterling. We hope to have you on. In fact, you can just do a spot on it if you're there. Did you hear that, Sterling? Sorry, I didn't hear you. You get a minute on the show in Toronto if you're there on November 7th. Cool, awesome, thank you. This podcast comes out in three weeks. You can re-listen to that then.

I always ask a question to first-time guests, and that's, did you ever do anything, well, I guess, David, for you, it'd be in your acting career, but Dan, for you, it's obviously in stand-up, and that's, did you ever do anything when you first started out that you can't believe that you did on stage, like looking back on it a bit or a trick or something, you know what I mean?

For sure. Yeah, want to tell us about, you know what I mean? For sure. Yeah. Do you want to tell us about it? Well, I mean, this isn't that funny, but like I used to wear black sunglasses and do one-liners. And someone's like, well, you're just Mitch Hedberg. And I was like, no, I wasn't. This is different.

But looking back on it, I was just like, like fucking the fat Mitch Hedberg for like six months. And then I gave it up and became the, you know, I don't know, whatever this fucking shit is. David, how about you

in the acting world? Did you ever like do something weird in an audition or on set? not really audition or on set, but Ellen Barg

could try to get me to suck my own cock. Damn, stop trying. Is that true? Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah.

Were you guys fucking or was it just at a craft service table? Oh, no, we dated for a while. She hates what I talk about. You have to fuck Alan Parkin. Oh, no. Okay, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no. So what did you do? You were on your back. You all... Stop it. You brought off the thing and then you're like I fucking came up! Ellen Marken trying to get me to sit down.

Nobody's about truth! I'm sitting there and you're talking about this mission of Ellen Marken helping me push my... She's helping you push? Holy shit! Where can I get that video? Ray James in the back going like this.

I'm just glad the iCloud hasn't caught me. It's not gonna be pretty. It is shit like that. Fucking midgets like... Oh, sorry. That's awesome. I love that she would push. She would push your butt farther in to get your dick closer to your face. Wow.

I'm sorry, but I don't have to go there. Don't be sorry. I think we're barking up the wrong tree. All right, I'm going to go kill myself. Guys, you share the choreographer thing. I have to go. I have to fucking do it. Bring your hands together for your next comedian.

Jeremy Lopez. Yes! Jeremy Lopez. What's up? What's up? Good? I'm not sure if I should have enjoyed the party, but I'm not sure if I'm in the right mood. What's up? What's up? Good? Good.

Thank you. Found out my mom's a slut. Walked in on her. Fucking the mailman. I wanted to tell her, like, why are you fucking the mailman? Then I realized my mom's a grown-ass woman, and if she wants mailman dick, she's gonna get mailman then I realized my mom's a grown-ass woman and if she wants mailman dick she's gonna get mailman dick I just told her I was like you better hurry up dad's coming home in like 20 minutes what do you get after you fuck the mailman, you know? It's like, oh, here's a bunch of mail.

If I was to fuck someone, I'd fuck the In-N-Out Burger Man. At least I get some free In-N-Out. Fucking shake and, uh, Adam's Foul Fries. All right, guys, I'll go ahead. 55 seconds. Do you always get the stride in there? Yeah, I like the joint.

All right. Man, you almost knocked your teeth out with that mic. I saw it just barely brush through your face when you were rocking it on the stand. Is that nervousness or did you just fuck around? I was just trying to build up the energy. I liked your in-betweens. It's hilarious. It reminds me of Kenny, kind of. Just absurdity nonsense that you're screaming out in between jokes.

But you added the uh on there that took me out of that world. But if you didn't have that uh, you know, because you're like, ah! Ah! Um, ah! You know, so. I also noticed that you hit an e-cig on your way to the stage, right? I hit a what? What was that that you hit on your hand?

Like a vapor. Vapor. This is a prop. Prop? It might be. A prop? What did you do with that on your way to the stage? I didn't smoke every day.

Is it like a Jeff Dunham thing? Like, come on, if it's wrong. There's a talk? This guy's mom be fucking the mountain! So you have an oral fixation, do you still suck your thumb at night? Jesus Christ! No, no, tell it, tell it closer, tell it.

So you hit a pipe that has nothing in it on your way to the stage. You don't use it on stage ever? Not yet, you want me to use it or something? No, I'm just curious as to why you have a routine that you do on your way to the stage. No, I was in the back room and then you called me and then... But you were in the back room doing what? Just... chilling. I would love to think there's another pipe guy in the back who's like, Damn it! You stole my fucking bit!

I hold the pipe and then I put it in my pocket and I don't mention it! It's my bit! I hold the pipe and I put it in my pocket and I don't mention it. It's my pick. Fuck yeah. How long have you been on the stand-up, Jeremy? About a year. You're from LA? Yeah, I swear. Take a tub. You know why? Because I don't want to... To joke?

No, because your last name's Lopez. It's pretty easy, but I said it anyway. Fuck yeah. So, you have a joke about your mom fucking the mailman. Was your mom really fucking the mailman, just out of curiosity? No. No? Huh.

Is your mom single? No, not yet. Not yet? She's still with your dad? What does your dad do? He's a maintenance mechanic. Ah, I see. You know, you could change that to you style your mom fucking the maintenance guy

and keep it real and then also have and then have it at the end just say it's your dad. Or maybe change it to like the gardener and just say your dad's a gardener.

That could work too. Jesus Christ. That's a good idea. The Oregonite hangs out at Home Depot. Just make it worse and worse. I walked in

on my mom chunking a burrito. Like it's just getting more. I was thinking of more things that were at your house because it's like you walk in, where? To see your mom fucking the maintenance. You're a guy, you know what I mean? It's just kind of, whatever.

What did you do before you started? The handyman, handyman. It's a dripping piece of chicken. It's on your iPhone. That was so nice, by the way, that they gave us that chicken. Yeah, did you enjoy it? Oh my God. Did you guys have a bite?

I ate it with my fucking bare hands. What was the fucking thing I was going to say? Oh yeah, what were you doing before you started stand-up? Billboards. What about billboards? Tagging them? stand-up? Billboards. What about billboards? Tagging them? Brian Redback from... I know, I used to tag those motherfuckers. Someone KGB kids going bad Los Angeles 1982.

What the fuck just happened? Gave her a pen to set her ass in place. You're talking about buying a billboard and repeating motherfuckers stand up and say this tag on the

fucking podcast. Kids gone bad KGB someone. Pow. Pow. Wow. David Pettit is a gangster.

What were you doing with billboards? You were putting them up? Yeah. Wow. That's scary. That's a scary gig. Yeah. Ted. That's scary. That's a scary gig. Yeah.

Tedious work, huh? That's true. How long were you doing that for? About two years. Wow. Did you get to keep them? Like when you took them down, so your living room just had like huge... You could take them down and have them by your hot chicks? That's awesome.

Do you have a big hot chick in your place? Do you still live with your parents? I got Beyonce, but I haven't put it on yet. You got a Pepsi one? Oh, really? You still live with your parents? Oh, yeah. Do you talk about that at all on stage? Do you have any jokes about that? Nah.

You should. Yeah. And so you're planning on eventually moving out and then putting this Beyonce billboard up against a wall somewhere. Yeah, eventually. I'll get to it. Wow. That's awesome. moving out and then putting this Beyonce billboard up against the wall somewhere. Wow. That's awesome. So you're just going to jerk off from across the apartment. Put it on the ceiling.

That's a great idea. So this way when Ellen Barkin is making you sit here in bed, you can look up at Beyonce and imagine it's her. Jeremy, thank you so much. Fantastic. He's on Twitter as SLOPEZ. S-O-O-W-E-Z. I like his energy.

I like that silliness, you know, that he did in between the jokes. That's something that's really, it changes everything. If he didn't have those little pieces in between, it would have been completely different. I'd like it. I'd be like, how you all doing?

I'm fine. Yeah. I'd come out of it and look. There was something at the beginning that I loved. Josh,

you had something over there? I was just having a fun imagination. I was thinking of he's tagging billboards and his buddies are like,

hey, you gotta go home early? Yeah, I gotta wake up and go to the set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It was funny, I had my head fucked up. He went for it, everybody. Josh Firewitz, the autistic patriot. His mic is now muted

for the next ten minutes. Just powers down. All right, let's keep this fun train moving along. Your next comedian is Zan Turner. Oh, man. This is going to be interesting. Yes.

You can sit up there and wonder. Very professional. I'm excited about this. I always love new people. You can always tell, of course, somebody's going to be, but how long it takes them to get to the stage is just very, go online, go online. Damn, the only line I know about is my clothes line or my party line. You know, people tell me when I go to the comedy shows, Caroline's New York City and other shows, Stand Up New York, bring 40 of your friends.

I say, yes, I'll be glad to bring 40, 50, or 60 of my friends, but first I have to go out to the graveyard and dig them up. All my friends are dead. You know, that's one thing you have to be sure about in this life. That's death and taxes. And the difference between death and taxes is death never gets any worse. Now, there's always one person you can rely on in this life. That's the undertaker, because he's always the last person to let you down. Now, the woman in the third James Bond movie was called Pussy Galore, Goldfinger, 1964.

Most of you were not born. Her name was Anna Blackman. She played the part of Pussy Galore. Pussy Galore. Galore means abundance. She wasn't even nominated for the Academy Award for that role. And that's probably the greatest performance she'll ever give, Pussy Galore. A woman across the street from where I live was found dead. Alright. Big pleasure.

A woman was found dead. All right, that's it. Go ahead, go for it. She was found dead. There was banana in her anus and a spoon in her vagina. The cops came and gave an appraisal of the situation and said, this is the work of a serial killer. Oh!

Oh! I think you just read it to dad and let him just let it happen. Get the mystery going. I like the cereal part. I love cereal, I'm just like. Great, the cereal's really good. You can have it any time.

You can have it any time. What can you eat at any time? Where's your cereal, man? I'm pushing. Am I right? What's it going on? Where's your cereal, man? Where's your favorite cereal? My favorite cereal?

Oh, shit. Wow, I'm on the spot. I'm on the show. I'm on the show. I'm on the show. First down, I mean, if I'm trying to be healthy.

Fast and flex. I'm going to go with fast and flex. My first name is Zane. I looked it up last year. Some of these, one who's dependent, who's favorable and supportive of other peoples. That is sure to damn true. I got 50 people holding money right now.

That's what Zane means. Defender, supporter, people. All right, you say it. What do you have for all those 50 people? I like your style, Zane. Where are you from? Well, I was born in... Are we the only ones who can see him?

My dad comes to the penalty store every 10 years. I spent 40 years in New York City. I performed at the Carolinas. You know the Carolinas on Broadway, the 50th, 17th Broadway? I performed there. I performed before an audience of 200 people. I put it on YouTube, the performance. It was 10 minutes. I spent 40 years in New York City. Before I went to New York City,

I was in Birmingham, Alabama, where I got funny stories about Martin Luther King, Hank Aaron, Ray Charles, I met them all in Birmingham, Alabama. Beautiful. I came here two years ago. I came here two years ago trying to get into movies, TV, doing stand-up comedy. I sent a tape to Killian's store, a tape, it never came back.

What's the Killian's store? It comes on Late Night Show. What's the Killian's? Kimball the man that comes on Late Night Show. What's the killer? Kimball. Kimball, yeah. If you sent it to the Killian store, that's why he hasn't gotten back to you. Also, if you sent him anything you talked about tonight, that's why he didn't get in touch with you.

I'm kidding. I put a return. I returned. It was my performance at Caroline's. He didn't bother to send it back. How about Charlie Rose? I said Comedy Central take the same tape that became

that. Dick Van Dyke. He has confusion. What does he want to be? A dick or a dyke? What does he want to be? Come on. It gets better. Come on. How long have you been doing theater? Did you just do that one time in Caroline?

No, no, I've been studying for 12, before you were born, 25 years. Wow. Studying? Comedy, I did in New York City. Stand-up, the one on 23rd Street. Do you get up a lot around here? Yes, over at Flapper's.

You're headlining Flapper's? No, no, I was supposed to perform last night. I got down there at 7 o'clock last night. They said, all the performers have been canceled. I said, why? Because Kevin Hart is performing tonight. I said, well, hell, I don't want to see him. So I went back home.

They rescheduled it to November 2nd. Yeah, Kevin Hart wasn't at Flappers last night. They just tell people that when they have to cancel their shows. You wasn't there last night? No way.

They told me that. I went back home. Yeah, you know who played Penis Van Lesbian? Yeah. There you go. Wait, hold on.

It's a good man TV character. David! You really are a Christian! He's been writing that since that Dick Van Dyke reference. That's really... That's really...

That's really since Roosevelt Hotel, you know, on Hollywood Boulevard? That's where they had the first Academy Award in 1928. Ween some Janet Gaynor. I ain't no Janet. Alright, I went there 20... I'm telling this my story. 20 years ago. I was 500 people there. I was on the black portion there. And the policeman comes over to me.

Why are you here? I was there for a movie convention. What was the movie? They were showing all the old time movie stars there. Alice Faye. The Great Trainwreck. They all come there when they're about to die, you know, to make an appearance. So the cop comes over to me.

It's 500 people. I'm the only black person. Why are you here in the Rosta Hotel? I said, I got a room here for the movie convention. Show me your badge. Show me your identification. I said, badges? I'll just show you my badge.

I don't need badges. That was way before the movie was made. I don't know. Nobody knows Kiki and Badgers. That's the first line that F. Arto Bedoya made to Haka Bova in Treasure at Sierra Leopard. Warner Bros. 1948. Yeah baby, baby! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey me who has a million jokes for, you know, every person. There you go. Zan Turner, everybody. Zan Turner!

Surprise, surprise. Zan Turner is not on Twitter. So, uh, maybe just friend him on Facebook. He does have a Morse code. No, no, that's too indecent.essen. That's Dewey Dessen. I think you should add him by Zanny. Zan. Zan. What the fuck is happening?

I love Tim Butler. I love everything about him. You tell them you're laughing or crying. That's the story of my life. Zan, you got a new fan in David Arquette. Congratulations buddy, there you go. Wait, wait, wait, now you can't stop me from crying. Come on, next time. I'll give him the worst Halloween bear!

Brian, Brian, Brian, close your chicken box. Brian, close the chicken box, He's going crazy out there. Welcome to Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, I know this lovely young lady. She's always fun and edgy and crazy. Put your hands together for the stylings of Sarah Kenny. Thank you. Sarah Kenny.

I think it's so sad that I don't have any cleavage. Not because I want really big boobs. I just feel like my breasts, they don't really know each other. They spend so much time apart. Unless I lay in a particular position on my side, and then they're forced to interact. They're like, hey, hey. How's it going? So instead of twins, they're more just like regular siblings. Who don't even look that much alike. The black one is way bigger. So I'm reaching in my pocket because I felt

my phone vibrating and then I realized I was just farting. It wasn't my favorite at all. So I've been vegan for a long time now, but I decided I'm going to take it one step further. You know, I'm going to go raw.. I'm gonna only eat raw food because, like I heard it's really healthy and my gas just got shut off. So, the timing is really good. Bam. That's a lot of cash from Sarah Cannon.

That's so fun. That might be one of my favorite I have no boobs jokes that I've heard. And I've heard a lot of people... Flat-chested gals. They talk about it, it's worth acknowledging, and that's a really funny one, the fact that they haven't met and things like that. The black one. You could play with that. He could go on with all the moles. I just kept picturing my mouth and then my dick. Like your kids. It's the same.

It was, I'm square on a theme. We're going with the theme. Sorry. See how they're mine? They're like, they're hers. You keep going with- There's gonna be a blog in Dizzeville about this. Our kids trust a sexy grass comedian

in front of Captain America. That's amazing. And, you know, I don't say this very often, but I think we're at about probably ballpark, I don't know, episode 75. I stop trying to keep track. But that's about the ballpark of episodes that we're at. And I would say that

I don't think we've really seen many people go from, you know, unbalanced, not really having their footing that well to constantly being a consistent... She was shocky before. When she first started off, you were really... Abortions and pussies and blood! And you dial

it back just enough, you know what I mean? Well, I realize that it's kind of the minute thing. The dark stuff works in longer sets when there's other things. When you've already made them kind of... Right. When I try to do them on their own, yeah, it didn't work. Sometimes dark stuff works on its own, though.

Yeah, that's true. Not the stuff you were getting before. Josh, what do you think of Sarah Kenny? She's got this cute little energy to her. Joe Franklin of the future Josh You've been single for how long now? All 30 of my life so far 30 years

But you've had sex at least Once The last two years You're welcome Yeah, I'm trying I'm always trying You've had sex at least once. Yeah. The prostitute. Two years ago. You're well different. But you're a teen! Yeah, I'm trying. I'm always trying.

Aww. Was your prostitute Asian or just a white girl? Oh, Latina. Oh. I don't know, I was happy. And she had nice fake tits too. Oh, jeez. I likes what I likes.

You gotta get that on a t-shirt. Get the new Autistic Patriot t-shirt, available by the time this episode's out. With a back that says, I likes what I likes. Sarah, are you single right now? I am. Have you ever been on a date with an autistic genius? Not diagnosed. Josh, you were going to interrupt there?

Yeah, I have been tempted to hit on her before. Why don't you take her out to eat? I actually just asked a girl out today, and she said yes. All right. So you're not going to ask this one out? So, you're not going to ask this one out? No, because I already have this one girl that I don't know if it's working or not. When you say girl, does her parents have to come along? Where are you going to take her? What's your plan?

I always go with a default if they're cool with it. Keep it casual, get something Asian, like Japanese ramen. Listen, there's good places I'm a fat Jew I know what I'm talking about dude you need to like you need to ask seven girls at the same time

and one will work out yeah but I'm a romantic I don't want just fucking sex but LA there's no romance I understand

but I'm a dreamer I'm a dreamer I'm a stupid stupid dreamer you're not the only one oh I'm a 12 Josh I wish you the best of luck thank you I'm a dreamer. I'm a stupid, stupid dreamer. You're not the only one. I'm a 12. Josh, I wish you the best of luck. Thank you.

Now you're thinking about taking this girl to Asian. What else? Is there anything you're playing? What's step two of that plan? Just Asian dinner and then take her home? Figure in a rat head. No, it's all good. Just take a figure in a rat head. More like, all right.

I'm more like, all right. No, I've hit upon something good with my last date. It was sort of like meeting here and walking all the way down to like Sunset and Gardner places. And so you have time to talk to each other. Now, David, you are an amazing talent and a good looking guy. You've been with some of the most beautiful women that I've seen. A corny cock. Any advice for our pal Josh Meyerowitz on this date he's possibly going on? No, I like the walk.

That's a smooth move. Smooth move. Smooth, yeah. Especially in Los Angeles. You do that in New York City, it's like everyone does that. Do it in LA, it's like, this guy's deep. Yeah. Whoa, whoa,

what's up with this? She gets hit by a car or maybe a light. I'm always wondering, because obviously you fucked all these beautiful women, but do you still have like a few duds

on your, like, history, or you're like, holy shit, have you ever wanked out? No, I've actually never had that.

You've never had that? I want to hear about that. No. What are you, kind and got it? No, I actually never had it. You never had it? I want to hear about that. No. What are you, like, bush guard or something like you're like,

Oh, no, no, yeah, I mean, you know, like, uncomfortable sexual experiences just like I'm Do you fuck

Susan Boyle? I'm not sure. I don't know. Yeah, terrible reference. No camel. You ever hook up? I thought you were

incredible, though. You were very funny. Thank you. There she goes. That was the best part. Sarah Penny. Can I plug the show real quick? Depends on what the show is.

It's next week while you guys are gone on the road. Okay, well, this podcast isn't going to be out then. You guys aren't out next Monday? Okay, wait, what? Go ahead, plug the show. This is why we don't let people plug things, because of this kind of energy. If the podcast comes out in three weeks then no one will go to your show. No, I just meant the locals. Oh, but you can meet them out front. This moment would be, if this show was the last decade, this moment would be 9-11.

Oh, wow. That's why you got the cool 20-day I feel those kind of Sarah Kenny zero zero zero zero zero

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zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero Follow her on Twitter at SKennyComedy. All one word, SKennyComedy. Nice. Sarah Kenny. Fuck yeah. What was I going to say?

Fuck. I like cock. I was going to say I like cock. There you go. You went for it. There you go. All right. It was for you, David.

And it was, what the fuck were we just talking about? Bad sex. Having sex with Gary. Oh, okay. Let me ask you one. Here it is. and it was, what the fuck were we just talking about? Bad sex? Having sex with your girlfriend. Let me ask you one. Here it is. Have you ever hooked up with, like, a perfect, perfect chick, and you wake up the next morning,

and her makeup's just smeared, and she looks like a clown? Yeah, I mean, I try to look at her. You're so nice. I just like the feeling. I mean, I'm not joking. The image that I have of your bed is it's just covered in makeup from just all these fucking just elevens just pushing themselves.

Oh, no, no, no. It's okay. It's just fucking head shots everywhere. Oh, wow. I'm just kidding. All dirty. Oh, I don't know. I didn't really... Yeah, I did my fair share of dirtiness, but whatever.

Let's keep plowing through. Get another comedian up here. How about Watt Smith, everybody? Watt Smith? Come on. Watt Smith? Oh, no. You know what that means!

You just missed your spot so you just got blacklisted. Blacklisted! Do you guys really think Contra could come out? What? Do you guys keep a record of all those names? Yeah, fuck if he does. You just say that we do. Okay, put your hands together for your next comedian, Alex Duong.

Yes! I knew this was going to be a vacation, and he has braces, so brace yourself. Seated. You guys ever have a friend that's more proud of your ethnicity than you are? Yeah. I have this English friend, and I'm pretty sure when I'm not around, he's like, all right, mate, I got me an Asian one. Hello.

Tally-ho. I know he's excited because we'll be at an authentic Asian restaurant, because I don't know if he's excited because we'll be at an authentic Asian restaurant because I don't do that fusion bullshit that you see around LA so much. Like, you're not Puff Daddy, don't remix my Pad Thai. You see him in the kitchen, he's like, uh uh, uh uh. Here, come over. Like, Puff Daddy, get the hell out of my kitchen.

Pad Thai. Like, fuck that, get the hell out of my kitchen. Bad time. And then the waitress would come by and check on us, and was like, oh, these noodles taste quite delicious and authentic. You know what else is authentic? My mate here. All right, go ahead and have a go, bud. Talk to them. But yeah, all right your friend English or Australian? Because the accent you were doing

was clearly Australian I get mixed between the two I bet you do Which is funny because his whole thing it's sort of like a race-based joke on your friend that you're doing, but meanwhile you're doing an Australian accent about an English guy, so it's sort of like that. It's like a perception.

I really love that Asian fusion thing. Thank you, thank you. That's totally right up your alley. That last part was weird, though. I got completely lost. The... The last 15 seconds. I got completely lost. The... The last 15 seconds, I had no idea. Oh, I was going to go into the whole,

like, how he likes to watch us speak Asian. Like, speak, what's speak Asian? Speak like Vietnamese. And he's like, oh, that just blows my mind. But I didn't want to hear the bear. So instead of saying, that's my time or anything,

you just shut down like a robot? Oriana, off! So instead of saying that's my time or anything, you just shut down like a robot? Or you end up off. System of shutdown! I fucked up because I misheard what she said at the beginning. What was the first line you said? The line is... Do you have a... Friend who's more excited and more like,

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Amber has a silence a bit more apt. Do you have a friend that's more excited about what? Fucking Jerry Lewis over here. Have you ever had a friend that's more excited about your ethnicity than you are? I thought you said Spitty. Than you are. It doesn't make any sense, but I got really fired up and then it was weird.

And then he looked at me and was like, and he was like, oh, they got a little excited about my ethnicity. Sorry about that. It was a weird start. But I liked it, so. It was great. It was great. Yeah. It seems like you've been, how long have you been doing the company again? Four years, you said? Two and a half, hardcore.

It seems like you've been going longer than that. It seems like you've been doing a lot of stage time because you seem very comfortable and your jokes are very well written. You should be getting up more, I think. I love to see you doing your own shows, I think. I'd love to see you be doing your own shows, I think. Yeah, I just got passed at the Ice House. Oh, you did? Wow, they passed you?

Are you sure you didn't get passed at the Rice House? Oh! Kill Tony! Kill Tony! I've waited for an Asian to be on this stage. I can say that they got passed in the ice house for the last 75 weeks that are left.

You set me up really nicely here. It's all been set up really nicely. Yeah, there's Asian lanterns for people at home. What kind of Asian are you? My mom's Vietnamese, French, dad's Chinese. Wow, Vietnamese. I'm surprised you quit early on your set. Normally, Vietnamese never give up.

She said. Oh, she said it. I bet it was the French part. It was the French part. She said it was his grandfather's name. Oh God, I'm so bad. grandfather's name. Uh... Oh god! Who's this? Who is this? How much longer do the braces on for, Alex? I actually get them off in about a month.

Oh yeah. Definitely. Alright. Oh yeah. You need to fuck those teeth. I'm back for sale! I'm back the fucking English guy with your boyfriend. Let me see.

I'm back the fucking English guy with your boyfriend. Let me see. I'm back the fucking English guy with your boyfriend. Let me see. I'm back the fucking English guy was your boyfriend there was a weird thing going on. David's still trying to figure out what he's talking about. David I can't brought you my peyote tonight. Sorry, sorry that's horrible. So you know where you are David? I am. Hey Alex.

Hey shut up. Shut up you shit alright. Yo, I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back.

I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm terrible. Do you know where you are, David? I am! Yo, everyone thinks I'm a neck and a head. I've been crutching it for 27 fucking years in this business. Fuck yeah, baby! You know what I'm saying. The company is so cheap. Kids going bad, someone keep you beat.

1982! We gotta get you on more optics. So you've got a month left of the braces. What's the thing that you're looking forward to the most when those braces come off? Grown pussy. Grown pussy? This just took a turn.

I thought it was a brown pussy. I thought Bill recorded that shit. And I'm the weird one. And I'm the weird one on stage. What kind of pussy have you been getting, Alex? Yeah, this is about to turn into a true detective episode. It's about like college girls and like cougars. It's like one or the other.

That's not little kids. Who are you talking about grown pussy then? Like, I don't know, my age. Like, I'm 30. Oh, okay. So, pussy. So, a girl. The guy that's had sex one time is not so young.

I think you're just covering your ass. I mean, like 30 year olds. He says to me he's not Asian. Oh, I'm sorry. Isn't that a bald thing? I'm sorry. I'm trying to get mean and it doesn't work for me. Where have you been the whole time?

Alex Duong, thank you so much. Yeah, baby. He's on Twitter. Daffer Duong. That's spelled D-U-O-N-G. All one word. Daffer Duong. Fuck yeah. Fun times. How are you guys feeling? Good? Great. Having a good time.

We're down to our final two. These are the regulars on the show. They do a new 60 Seconds every single week since the show started. And it's always fun. They've been absolutely slaughtering lately. So we're excited to see what new 60 Seconds they're going to do tonight. Put your hands together for your first comic. We know her as the college dropout from Florida.

It's the great Kimberly Condon, everybody. All right. I hate when people have weird sayings, you know? Shut up! You gotta get in the mic. I hate when people have weird sayings, you know? Shut up! You gotta get in the mic. I hate when people have weird sayings, you know? After my first breakup, my friends would say things like,

there are plenty of fish in the sea. Which is such a weird thing because I'm looking for a dick and not sushi. Or the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's not true. Because sometimes the tree's just having a midlife crisis. It didn't go to college. And the apple's nothing like the tree. And I'm not you, Mom.

I went to work the other day with a sore back. And everyone kept asking me what was wrong, which is a weird question, because I'm a young, attractive 24-year-old living in Hollywood. It's obvious why my back's sore. I can't afford a bed. There you go. Other than jumping the line, that was a quote, and you made it two more seconds on that last line, but you stepped on your own thing. But it's probably because you knew you were over a minute, right?

Yeah. A minute and five seconds. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Crush it. By the way, fun fact. Kim started stand-up comedy on this show. So her first spot, her first 60 seconds ever is documented in the history of Kill Tony. And she's done a new 60 seconds each week.

Now you're on stage with David Arquette. Yeah, you actually came to my work. That's right. Hey, do you want to tell that story? That wasn't him. No, that was a different story. That was a different asshole. You didn't show him the bathroom?

No. You fucked Matthew Willard or something? I heard that guy can suck his own cock. You fucked Matthew Willard? I'm just kidding. No, you did great. I had to go back.

This is like a scene from Deer Hunter now. I'm sorry! No, you did great! I'm not gonna go back. This is like a scene from Deer Hunter now. So how's everything been going, Kim? You've been doing stand-up for, uh, what now? You got like a year and a few months? Yeah, a year and four months or something like that. Yeah. Do you enjoy it still? Yeah, I love it.

Any, any, uh, thoughts about finishing college? No. Well, yeah, I mean, I'm going to eventually. Just not right now. That's all right. I'm still working, and I'm just doing mics. She's working at Freeman. Oh, she's messing around.

Right. That's real good. That's the big leagues. Yeah, so I'm having a good time. Uh-huh. And everything's great. Whatever. That's fun.

Yeah. Is your mom really going through a midlife crisis? Yeah, I think so. Is she hot? Yes. Wow. I'm engaged. I'm just kidding.

Do you have any questions or anything for Dan St. Germain or David Arquette? No, I don't have any questions. Do you have any questions for me? Notes to get better? Where are you get better, other than the timing thing at the end, there was still your classic anyway, um, that changes direction for no reason. But that's been a thing that you've been working on. There was only one hard one in the middle of it, so that's fun.

Cool. Joshua Meyerowitz, what do you think of Kim Congan's performance? Ever evolving. She's really getting, she's quicker, she evolved quicker than most comedians. You can hear the erection building. Oh, come! Do you want to go and burn a water on sunset? Fuck that,

she has shot me down. Oh, my God. She already shot you down? Yeah, fuck that, she has shot me down. Oh, fuck that. The most depressing Snapple fact ever?

Oh, okay. And I'm a fuck that.. In opposite of Funk fact. More like why I'm gonna die alone fact. Alright, that was too much, I'm sorry. Kim, another fantastic performance. Great job. Give it up for Tom, everybody. Follow her on Twitter, Instagram, and Twitter. Every evolving is a great word to describe her. I like that answer.

As one could say for your next comedian, your final comedian of the show, she's obviously a regular on this podcast, on the Dysentery podcast, always fun insight on goofy little subjects. It's the fun stylings of the great Sarah Weinshaker. What's up? What's up, Sarah? Please take a moment to realize I am

wearing a Ricky Martin t-shirt. Live in La Vida fucking Luga. Founded today. Also, I would like to take a minute to apologize to Kim because I was wasted the other night and I needed a lift home and my phone was not on me, so Kim requested a Lyft for me. And the woman who was going to drive me, her name was Sabrina. And in my drunken stupor, I decided that Sabrina seemed like a bitchy name. And that I did not want to get in a car with a woman named Sabrina. So I didn't. So I hope that your lift rating didn't go down. Also, my dad took me to a sushi restaurant deep in the valley. Deep

valley. And I don't recommend it. I ordered a Diet Coke and it was not right. It tasted like simple grains. Is there anything else you want to talk about? About how sometimes when you get a soda and it doesn't taste how it's supposed to taste, it's flat, and like there's nothing you can do.

This doesn't taste right, and then it comes back and it still doesn't taste right. It is black. They need to change their carbonation. Yeah. But why does it taste like chemicals?

And you're talking about fountain soda specifically, right? And it is chemicals because when they wash it, they usually take out everything and dip it in bleach and then they don't wash it off. They just put it back on.

Everything's chemicals, man. Everything. It's just a game of shooting Netflix that I'm getting ready to. Yeah. So it tasted like, everything! It's just you gave me shitty Netflix stuff you know what I mean? So it tasted like they were trying to kill me like simple grain

Right, and this was at the sushi place that your dad took you to? In Van Nuys, it's called the Makata Van Nuys is the problem The only thing you go to Van Nuys for is cars and keys. Not Steve. I'm filming porn.

Not Steve. It's good for a hotel. You went to Van Nuys for sushi. Van Nuys adjacent. Steve Boingi grew up in Van Nuys. He's been going to the Mercado for the last probably 40 years. Wow. It's also connected to like a Best for the last probably 40 years. Wow.

It's also connected to like a Best Western hotel. That sounds about right. Yeah, Van Nuys used to be the Sunset Strip back in the day. Used to just be tons of cool cars, cool clothes, all the bars and parties. Yeah, when Ricky Martin was straight. Yeah. Back in the day. Did you ever get fucked up with Ricky Martin?

No, I never get fucked up. If we did, there'd be some fucking... Don't be barking, maybe you suck as dick. He begs, he begs. What if I told you this entire time, playing a character underneath

that Patriot suit, it's the great Ricky Martin, everybody! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Ricky! He's really let himself go, everybody. Go back to the closet. Love you, too.

You spent 52 seconds apologizing to Kim about the Lyft driver. I'm surprised, at least with the Sabrina reference, that you didn't say anything about not wanting to get in a car with a teenage witch. I did, but then I also really wanted to talk about

the soda. And like, normally I just pick one topic and I stick with it, but I'm trying to just talk about things that are real that are happening to me and I I can kind of fit them all into a minute. Well, I can sort of picture the wineshank approach to complaining about fountain soda, and you've got to be specific saying that it's fountain soda or else people will wonder why your soda's bad.

But they can relate to it if you say fountain soda, and knowing you, you can go off on a run about how it's nothing like a fountain. Like, fountains are normally nice and beautiful and good, so why they call it fountain soda when it's really just a box of hot syrup being pumped through carbonated water. You have that style where I can picture you picking that apart. Right. And delving into the word fountain and how it's unrelatable to soda. Yeah, and how some McDonald's have better fountain sodas than other ones.

It's usually just the soda, if the syrup's out, or if they're a combination of the soda. Like a soda doctor. I used to be a manager at a movie theater. Dr. Pepper. Fuck yeah. Well, that's it.

You said you found the Ricky Martin shirt today without explaining any more after that. What? That's what happens when you say, Ricky Martin. Should I say it? Can I proceed? What do you think? Yeah, fuck yeah. I found this shirt today and I was like there's no reason why I should not

own this. Where did you find it? If I tell you. Nobody's gonna buy one. That's been used as a comrade for the last ten years. If you tell me. I love her. Oh yeah.

Was it outside of Mikado or the Best Western? No, that shit was fucking Los Feliz. Whoa. I would fuck around with my thrift stores. Whoa. So you did a lot of running around today, because that's a long trip from Los Feliz to Van Nuys. No, the Mikado was not today.

Oh. Did I say that it was today? No. Oh, no. Okay, Jesus. Sorry, sorry. I just was double-checking with myself in my own mind. Oh, no. Okay, Jesus. Sorry. I just was double checking with myself and my own mind. Right. Yeah.

So you got it today. You're excited about it. Yes. I made an invention based on shirts like that, but can I show you what it is? But it kind of involves me getting close to you. Didn't you say yes? Yes. Okay, good. Yay! Oh my God.

I love you! I love you! And congratulations! You can turn any t-shirt that has a face onto it into an instant puppet. Yay! Go, go, go, go, go! Yeah! Did you name off your shirt?

I didn't hear that. You should have! I did, but she moved her breast away and it's a little puffy at this time. It's fine. I'm sorry. We're gonna apologize. The good news, Sarah, is you're pregnant.

And it's David Arquette's baby. That's all it takes. A little puppeteering. One could say you just got screen-pied. I didn't like that. And I room with those with Courtney Cox. Room with those. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa! No! You can't say the C word in front of me. What? Hey, I didn't know! I didn't need cocks. We don't wear those. I can't say the C word in front of you. Hey, I didn't know! I didn't know! I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Well, maybe I'll make my own little Ricky Martin stage baby. I don't know, this is getting weird. Don't go to the avocado and vanonize. Sarah, thank you so much.

Sarah, why don't you give a big round of applause. Good job, Sarah. Good job, Sarah. Good job, Sarah. Follow her on Twitter. Josh Meyerowitz, anything coming up you want to plug? He's at Autistic Thunder on Twitter, all one word, correct? Yes.

Very good. Not as bad off as Dan makes me out to be. I was just going to... I know, I know. I'm just... Right. I get... I dwell on it because...

I don't take what you're saying seriously, but in my head, I feel like I did something wrong and I'm actually... No, no. This is Josh's name. I feel like the villain in Precious now. I'm joking around.

No, no. You're in a Captain America suit. You know what I mean? I think she won an Oscar, so go with it. It's actually Iron Patriot. Oh, okay.

Yeah. You guys got anything you want to promote? This ends in, like, me riding a bicycle and he's in the basket and Salisbury Hills blowing in the background.

Yes! All right. See, we had a moment. Fuck you guys for not laughing. There you go. So that's Josh Meyerowitz. Anything coming up you guys want to promote? This is in three weeks, right?

I got a podcast called My Dumb Friends and All Things Comedy. And my album, Bad at the Good Times. You can get that on Special Take Records. I'm doing Conan on Monday. Conan hasn't had me on in fucking years I don't know what I did I must have fucking pissed him off

but I said hi to Frank Smiley for me but um no I really don't oh I have a film coming out called The Key with Bai Ling where he gets very naked and it's one of the craziest things but it's pretty much probably New York and LA go see The Key, everybody.

That's a former WCW World Champion. And Dan St. Germain, everybody. Thank you, my audience. Have a good night. Thank you. I don't know.