KILL TONY - KILL TONY #75

Episode Date: December 9, 2014

Sarah Tiana, Cort McCown, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Dan Madonia, Brian Redban – Date: 10/20/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Please check out our website, deathsquad.tv. That's where you can click on tour dates and see all our upcoming shows. Every Friday, we are usually at the Ice House at 10 p.m. And once or twice a month, we have a new show at the Comedy Store. It's called The Secret Show. In the past, we've had Doug Stanhope, Joe Rogan, Joey Diaz, Bill Burr, Mark Maron, Chris D'Elia, Brian Callen, Steve-O, Doug Benson, and a bunch of people. It's always a surprise who's going to jump in and go on stage. So check

it out. Our next one is December 17th, and this is a big one. This is actually a benefit show. All the money we get from the ticket sales of this show goes to buying a new sound system for the Belly Room. Because if you've heard in past episodes, the sound sucks in the Belly Room. And if you want to hear a better sounding Kill Tony, if you're a big fan of the Ding Dong Show or the Comedy Battle, all these are recorded in the Comedy Store's belly room. So, we are doing a special show,

comics trying to help comics out type thing, since the Comedy Store doesn't want to do anything with their sound. So, check it out. December 17th. Huge surprise guest. Tickets are on sale right now. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates or just go to TheComedyStore.com. Also, an announcement.

Death Squad is coming back to Vegas January 23rd. That's a Friday. Details and tickets soon. Also, check out ShopSquad.TV, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. I know all the hoodies are selling out fast. The t-shirts are almost all sold out. The mugs are almost sold out. So if you haven't got a Death Squad mug, get it.

Just try and keep everything in stock. So check out ShopSquad.tv, and if you see something you like, grab it, because these are small, limited edition items, so if I release a new shirt, there's not thousands of them, there's like 50 of them, so if you want them, you gotta grab them, alright guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Oh snap, we did it again. This is a packed ass Monday Night Belly Room. What's up everybody?

That's right, you podcast listeners are really missing out on this one. We have more fun on Mondays than other people do. It's very exciting to be here. I am well-rested. I didn't work on a TV show today for the first time in six episodes, which is great. I got to relax and run errands, go to the bank and deposit many checks. Because things are going good. And I'm so glad you people are here.

You had a fun weekend. You did the Death Squad tour, Grand Rapids, Columbus, Ohio, Indianapolis. And finished it off with Doug Loves Movies. Also did it on Sunday. If you're listening to this, Death Squad Midwest, thank you so much for coming out. Putting together a show last minute and having so many people come out, it's always great to see that.

Phoenix, Arizona, we're with you this Thursday. And Toronto, Canada, Kill're with you this Thursday. And Toronto, Canada, Kill Tony is selling out very quickly. We are doing a fucking giant theater there. And we are already almost sold out. It might be sold out by the time you hear this podcast. That's right. Try your best to get a ticket if you're listening anywhere near Toronto. I want to give a special shout-out.

Met a few fans today before the show. One from Scotland. Danny, hello. Where are you? Yeah. All the way from Scotland, this motherfucker came wearing a Death Squad t-shirt. That's amazing. Oh, hey, what's up?

There he is. Look at him. Look how Scottish he looks. We have my friend from Utah, Trevor, has signed up tonight. He started doing comedy thanks to Kill Tony. Met him when I did Wise Guys in Salt Lake City with Joe Rogan. Trevor's an awesome guy. And the great Heidi is here from Phoenix, everybody. We love Heidi. So glad that they're here. Guys, we only have one sponsor on this show, and she's sitting right over there. Her name is

Elise Lane, everybody. She's the chef with a pan. That's right. Other sponsors give shows money. We don't want to annoy people by giving us money, but we do have a sponsor that cooks delicious meals for us every week. She is a recipe checker, which is a job in which professional chefs have to run their food by her.

She makes sure that it's good enough so that they can put it in their book. That's an actual job that she has. So all you fat fucks out there drooling at the thought of having a job like that, ha ha, Elyse Lane has it. She's at the girl with a pan on Facebook and Instagram, and she's on Twitter, at Elyse Lane. Tonight she made delicious food. For the first couple weeks, I would always say what she cooked for us right off of this piece of paper here. It was always a lot of fun. Then I realized sometimes some words are hard to say. So why would I say it when we could have our producer that has a speech impediment, Josh Martin, say it, everybody. So Josh Martin, why don't you come on up here.

So Josh Martin, why don't you come on up here. And then after a week of doing that, after one week of having Josh say it, and he would take these long pauses in between words so that he could properly say the next word. So what we did for the next couple weeks after that, next few weeks after that, we made it a game where if Josh stops talking at any point or he stutters over a word,

our pal Brian Redband here gets to pat him in the balls. That's not a pat, but that would be interesting. Josh likes it rough. Josh, thanks for wearing your worst pants. Did you buy those like that or was that an accident? Did you go down a

slip and slide of bleach or something? Like, what exactly, what happened here? You know, is this mic on? Yeah, the monitor's not on. It all seems a little bit quiet. Can you guys hear me all right? You think it should be louder? It's a little soft, right?

Can it get a little louder? A little louder, a little louder? I would have to go in the back. I'll take it. Yeah, the back. It needs to be fixed in the back. Good thing this isn't a live podcast. All right, Josh, you ready?

No. I got hit in the balls really hard last week. Yeah, last week we did accidentally hit him a little bit too hard. You said you had a little blood in your urine. I don't want to do it that hard. Live audience, are you ready for stutter or ball tap?

Guys, you can do better than that. Are you ready for stutter or ball tap? You can't ask questions. You better have told him the wrong word on purpose. Josh, go ahead. Tell us what Elyse Lane cooked for us this week. She cooked grilled Melanie sirloin steak with blue cheese. That wasn't my ball.

You didn't even stutter. Give me the ball. With blue cheese steaks, tart, wilted. Oh, come on. Kale. Josh, you've got to say something. I think Josh likes it. I know.

Miji mushrooms and sesame soy tofu. There you go. Give me that. You started off so good. The first few times he never even stuttered over a word. Now I think he's gotten into the S&M. I kind of think he likes it.

Because he kept on saying, I said, I'm sorry I hit you too hard last week. And he goes, that's okay. It's for the show. No, seriously, it's okay. He loves it. That's grilled Milanese, a sirloin steak with blue cheesecake tart, wilted Swiss chard kale, blistered

cherry tomatoes, and sauteed beach shimeji mushrooms. And for Tony, sesame soy tofu. Elise Lane, everybody. Yeah. That's delicious. That looks amazing. Guys, every week we have a new head of security here on the show to keep us safe.

You know, it used to be a guy named the Iron Patriot, but then he got a little bit too big for his britches. He said that the show, you know, he's not going to come back until it's picked up by a major network. And to show him how replaceable he was, we replaced him with a brand new patriot each week after that. It's been a long time now. We've literally had over 40 people doing

the job that one guy used to do. And this week's no different. Our head of security tonight, one of my old bestest buddies. We've done so much together. One of my funniest friends. It's Dan Madonia, everybody. Here he comes. Oh, snap.

I feel safe already. Dan, how you doing? I got this shit on lockdown. Calm down, Laney. Dan's going to keep us safe, make sure everything goes well. Dan, how's everything going? We've had a lot of fun together. We've been doing stand-up together for what, six years?

Six years we've been together. And not a moment has gone by that I regretted. That's right. One time during a mushroom trip in San Diego, Dan caught me when I passed out. Brought him back to life. That's who's doing your security tonight. The fucking best.

Boom. Only the best for this audience. I'm very excited to have you, Dan. Thanks for making it. You look fantastic. You're one of the few guys that that suit actually fits. Up until it turns into high waters at the bottom, but I like that. You kept your pants on.

Ballsy move. All right. Fuck yeah. Well, let's get into it, shall we? Tonight's guests, two of my favorites. It was originally supposed to be Ari Shafir was going to be here. He might swing through a little bit later, but unfortunately he had to do a fitting,

an unexpected fitting in Sherman Oaks for his brand new one-hour special that's going to be shot here. Live at the Comedy Store in the original room at the end of October. There might still be tickets available for that if any of you are interested. And if you're a comedian, you can watch it in

this room. It's going to be playing live on a big screen right here while it's happening live in the original room. Something cool for you comics to see is a comedy store born and bred machine running his one-hour Comedy Central special live. So that's very exciting. He's going to say hello

to us later. But I got a great replacement for you that you're absolutely going to love. And another first time Kill Tony guest. However, they are two of my favorite, funniest pals in the world. Put your hands together for Court McCown and Sarah Tiana, everybody. Wow. The powerful Sarah Kiana.

Welcome. Court McCown is in the house. His first time on Kill Tony. Sarah, this is like your third time, right? I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. Well, welcome, Court. We're happy to have you. Here's a guy outside that wanted to know if we needed a dancer in the show. Oh, some guy pitching to be the dancer.

Yeah. If the stage was a little bit bigger, I'd totally have a dancer on the other. Oh, some guy pitching to be the dancer. Yeah. If the stage was a little bit bigger, I'd totally have a dancer on the other side of the Patriot. But obviously the Patriot can do that himself. Yeah, Patriot is good at that. He literally lights up the dance floor. Oh, yeah. All right, guys.

Obviously you're not ready for home runs yet. Because I'm just hitting them. Got the batting cages over here. Guys, welcome. Good to be here, man. Court, are you happy that Ari couldn't make it? We get to sit with the beautiful Sarah Tiana between us now. I love Sarah Tiana, man. She's the best. We went to Europe together.

We went to Scotland. There's a guy here from Scotland. That guy right there that looks like a girl. Yeah, I remember that guy. I remember that guy, yeah. Nice to see you, man. Yeah, so no, I love Tiana. I mean, I can't believe the Jews over in Sherman Oaks getting another costume fitting. It's one yarmulke, one size fits all.

What's he fucking looking for, you know? It's true. And Ari shouldn't wear anything too nice because, you know. Well, I watched his, especially did, the Comedy Comedy Central one and he had a really nice suit that he had made in China I don't know why he didn't just wear that that was nice I wonder if he's going to wear the glasses with the nose attached for this special

that he always wears all the time his nose is attached to those glasses right I think so yeah it's really large it would be weird if it wasn't he should totally buy a bunch of those old Groucho Marx glasses and repackage them as Ari Shafir glasses. You know, the one with the little mustache.

But they all smell like weed, though. That would be the best way to do it. Because then it would be like Ari. Ari's got a beak, is what we're saying, everybody. He's our Jewish friend, and one of the fun things that he's doing is, on the deleted scenes of his special, he does one of my favorite things in the's doing is on the deleted scenes of his special,

he does one of my favorite things in the world called a Jew and A, where people in the audience get to ask him questions about being Jewish, and he rolls with it. It's the funniest. It's my favorite thing in the world. So I'm actually going to be part of it, so you can catch me on the deleted scenes, or not the deleted scenes, the extras of Ari Shaffir's one hour special that he's shooting here in a month. I'll be asking

extremely racist questions from the back of the room. It's a typical Tuesday. Right, exactly. Or Jews Day, as I like to call it. Now they're getting ready for the home run. Sort of. I don't think they're really paying attention.

It hits them like five seconds later. It's almost like there's an audio delay in here right now. They're still trying to figure out why Ari's not here. Right. I don't blame them. No, it's true. But Ari's going to come say hello later, hopefully, if he makes it out of Sherman Oaks.

Hopefully he will. I don't know. There's a lot of Germans there. Takes them a long time to get up over the mountain. Right. Yeah, he's an interesting guy. Dan, do you have any questions for tonight's guests? Sarah, what was your favorite moment in comedy?

My favorite moment in comedy? Yeah. Besides you asking me that question? Oh man, I don't know. You mean man, I don't know. That's a really tough question. You want to ask Court his question? We'll come back to Sarah.

Court. Yeah? In Teen Wolf. In Teen Wolf. You were number 33 on the team. Correct. What position did you play? I have no fucking idea. Do you know?

I don't know. Do you know, Dan? No, I don't know. That's what I wanted to know. You can't tell who's playing what in that movie. No, it wasn't like a real game, man. Who had money on them? Michael J. Fox was the star

of the team. He's four foot three and he has Parkinson's disease. What a shitty first round pick that would be. You know what I'm saying? Alright, that was my favorite moment. Yeah, there you go. I didn't know you were in Teen Wolf. I love that movie.

Yeah, the original. Wow. He was in Can't Buy Me Love, which is the reason I even became friends with him because I was such a huge fan. Oh, thank you. Well, that was initially what made me go up and talk to you. I was like, oh, my God. Because I had a Volkswagen Cabrio convertible just like Cindy Mancini.

Man, I wish I was your guys' age to know what you're talking about right now. You will be. Go fuck now. You will be. Go fuck yourself. I will be. Camp I May Love was one of those movies I used to watch because I was like a loser and it made me feel good because like,

oh, the loser got the popular girl and then you were the bad guy in it. But I was a nice person. Just because I threw shit at him doesn't mean there's anything, nothing wrong with that. Now, what did you play in Teen Wolf? Were you just like a,

was that a small role? Yeah, that's the role he retired on. Yeah, I retired on that role on the four cent residuals I get from that piece of shit. No, I just, I was like one of the guys on his basketball team.

So it was like one of those things where we got to, we were there the whole, the whole entire time. And it was a one of the guys on his basketball team. So it was like one of those things where we were there the whole entire time. And it was a lot of fun, man. I mean, except, you know, you're just like, I mean, really shitty basketball. I mean, they had this guy that was a basketball player at Loyola Marymount. Like he was a college basketball player. The shortest kid they could find to put in the wolf costume.

And then he was the one who would play basketball when the wolf costume was on michael j fox sucked really fucking bad right but you know so did we so it didn't really matter yeah you know like one guy mark he was in uh peewee's big adventure whatever this guy mark he weighed about 350. You could see his nipples through his basketball costume. It was disgusting, man. I'm surprised Michael J. Fox wasn't that good at basketball. I figured he would be. Do you think he'd

be better now at basketball than he was then? He could probably dribble better now than he could then. But what about with the ball? Yeah. Yeah. My favorite moment in comedy. Right there.

That's my favorite moment. Man. So, all right. Let's get into it, guys. This is Kill Tony 70-something. And we have over 30 comedians that signed up for the opportunity to do one minute here tonight. You know how the show works. Comedians,

when your minute is up, you're going to hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, you can barely hear it. Let's hear it again. Aw, there it is. That means your time's up. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Here it comes. There you go.

All right. Authentic. Obviously, the bear found... This sounds like a rape whistle. Obviously, our bear was driving a French police car in that one. So you never know what the bear is up to. So let's get this thing started, shall we? Here we go.

Doing your first minute tonight and then talking with all of us on a live podcast. One just fall out. No, you got it. Put your hands together for Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell.

Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell.

Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell.

Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell.

Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell.

Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell.

Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan O'Dell. Dan I wish that I had just this girl. Where can I find a woman like that? D.N. Howard, W. everybody. How's it going tonight? Got a question. What do you guys think about ISIS, huh? Yeah, woo! I'm glad you're so opinionated on Egyptian deities.

You'll love this next little bit then. My favorite deity has to be from Hinduism. His name's Ganesh. He had his head chopped off and replaced with the head of an elephant. I was thinking about what his first thought must have been, you know, for me. What could this have happened to my dick instead? But, I mean, even Catholics, though. Catholics have some weird mythology, too, you know.

I don't know if, you know, you've probably heard of St. George. He actually became a saint for fucking killing a dragon. And so, I know, patron saint of bullshit, right? And so, well, people these days say it might have been a crocodile, you know, but that's still a pretty fucking shitty miracle to get canonized for. And so, and the Catholic Church can never fucking admit it was a crocodile or they have to canonize Steve Irwin and a bunch of fucking Cajuns from the South.

And so, as it stands now, though, I think they pretty much have to make a scene out of whoever kills Bigfoot. There you go. Bigfoot. And... The Chupacabra whatever

yeah a lot of imaginary characters you talked about there especially Jesus Christ a lot of religious stuff from you I know that you were on last week right? yeah first time last week first time on stage ever?

first time on stage as a comic ever right so are you planning to get more topical as time goes on? Because you're still doing dragon breathing jokes. I'm just trying right now to just write stuff that I haven't even heard from anybody to try to find my voice.

No, I love that. I love that. I get it. It was good. It was original. Yeah, religious background, right? Yeah, pretty religious background. What are you up to now? I mean, how do you what in your life happens like what do you do

for fun right now I can picture you covering yourself in black latex and putting a ball gag in your mouth and like hitting the streets

only I mean great religion that's the Catholic side of it right now I it's really

from just no life and Wikipedia wormhole you know clicking on the link click it on the link reading some weird shit and just trying to make something out of it you're very Tom's hank see you should do some Tom Hanks stuff Hollywood agent say Tom Hanks-y? Tom Hanks-y? If you go to Trump, you should

star in the show Shankly Dempsey. Yeah, you should do more Tom Hanks stuff, you know, like Academy Award winning films. I could definitely

be prepared. Great advice, Brian. So, seriously, what do you do for fun? You said Wikipedia. That's not an answer

well I think last time I covered musician and that pretty much takes up a fair share of my time you're a jazz musician right? jazz and blues what instrument do you play again? I play bass mainly but I also play guitar, piano, whatever else is needed does the bass

do you play the bass because it sounds deep like your father that wasn't there to talk to you? I like to know. I like to feel heavier and blacker as well. Oh, cool. No. You looked at your penis when you said that.

That's exactly, that's Freudian slip, yeah. Yeah. No, it's because nobody else really plays bass, so you're, you know. What do you mean nobody else plays bass? Everybody plays so if you play bass more people you know have you ever been to any concert before there's almost always a bass player right there that they're those guys it's usually the guy that couldn't get laid playing guitar that's playing bass yeah exactly can't sing you gotta play bass yeah well i mean i thought your material was interesting i wouldn't start with a question ever because you just need to you.

You walked up there and you took the mic like you were in control and then you immediately asked a question, which means that you need the audience to tell you what you want to talk about. And I just think if you're going to be assertive, you just come out and go, let's talk about ISIS. It's my favorite Egyptian God as well. You know what I mean? Just like come right out and just start going. The only thing I would tell you is that every time you say something, you step backwards, almost like you didn't want to own it. So just stand your ground. Stand up there and say you own your material, so just stand there and tell it.

And if you are going to ask a question, after you ask the question, don't point the microphone at the audience. Why, Tony? That doesn't work in real life. And it was a rhetorical question. I mean, what did you

expect people to say when you asked, how do you feel about ISIS? I just wanted some reaction, really. Okay. I don't know, positive or negative. I just wanted to get to the opinion. Did you really think there was going to be a positive, like, slow clap in the back?

I think there was. Like, yeah. Oh, yeah! ISIS! ISIS! Evil! If they were going after, they could have named themselves after Ra

and made themselves easier to cheer for. Whoa, what was that face you just made? I mean, I think if you had a little bit more confidence delivering your material, it would have gone better because you're obviously still really nervous about it. But I think the idea is there.

And I like the idea of Steve Irwin having to get canonized. You know what I mean? But we missed a lot of it because you were talking really fast and you were a little nervous. But that's just going to come with time. So I think it's good that you got it out the way you did. What's up with Dan-O-W? What's your real name?

It's Daniel-W. Why Dan-O? Because he plays bass, dude. You think Dan-O? Dan-O because I've been called that a lot throughout my life. I feel a little more comfortable. Dan-O, and you're just going with it. And just the initial W?

Dano W is from being an AA for a long time, just a habit. You're in AA? No, not really. Not really? Whenever I like a lead balloon. Are you in AA? You're not in AA? Do you ever drink?

Oh, hell yeah. Oh. AA would hate me. Right. I'd be just, yeah. Where do you ever drink? Oh, hell yeah. AA would hate me. Where do you drink at? Church. That's a joke so far. We got it out of you.

Yeah, book them, Dano. Do you really drink? Yeah, occasionally. At home? No. Where do you drink at? I'll drink? Yeah, occasionally. At home? No. Where do you drink at? I'll drink probably now after this. All right, Dano. Wherever someone's paying for them, that's where he drinks.

We have a lot in common. I like your style. I'd say you don't want to say your last name. It's White. Daniel White. I don't have a Twitter, though, so it doesn't fucking matter. Dude, I think you should embrace the White. Lots of self-confidence going on there.

I think you should embrace the White. Well, no, I'm thinking about at some point transitioning to like, you know, just Dan-o. Dan-o? I'd say Daniel or Dan. Dan-o sounds like, you know, some kind of moron frat guy. And you're not, hey, yo, Dano.

And then you show up and it's like, what the fuck? You look more like a... It's like that commercial where all the people are holding signs for Michael Jordan and it's that old white guy that shows up at the airport. They think they're going to be bringing pizza to Michael Jordan and it's just that guy. So that's how I felt when I heard your name i was like oh cool poindexter yeah book them dano waldo well thanks dano fun times there he goes everybody yeah wilson talking religion a little religion from Dano.

A future mall shooter right there. You saw him here first, though, on Kill Tony. Put your hands together for Ryan Hicks. There he comes. Beep in the back. What's up? how's everyone doing? Good to be here. I'm in a weird place right now.

I just found out that my girlfriend cheated on me with my sister's boyfriend, Todd. Yeah, I want revenge. So I'm gonna fuck Todd. Yeah, right in front of Karen. See how she likes it, man. The punishment should fit the crime. That's all I'm saying. I'm a tense guy.

I don't think I'm alone here. I hate traffic. Are you guys anything like me? Are you ever sitting in a traffic jam and you just think, Go! How hard is it to merge? Just slow down.

Let the other person in. Be considerate. What happened to the golden rule? Treating each other as we would want to be treated. You know, the government has pitted us against each other. We're divided on simple issues where we would just realize we're all being fucked over equally. We could come together and put the right politicians in office. The ones that aren't corrupted by the corporations.

Then we could properly fund education and properly fund science and rebuild our infrastructure, which would mean bigger roads, then it wouldn't be so hard to burn. Fuck yeah. Was that the end of that joke? Do you guys ever think that in a traffic jam? Ah. Oh, wow. Ah! Whoa. Do you guys ever think that in a traffic jam? Is that the beginning of that Janet Jackson song? That was really intense.

It was like last week when that dude laid on the ground and did that thing, the Jungle Book thing you did. That was impressive. That really makes the whole room kind of uncomfortable when you do that, I think. It was a, you know, it's an interesting thing. You went from, you know, the Todd thing I liked and you had me. And then it was a lot of just performing.

I get that, though. People are going to laugh at that because it's commitment. You committed hard. You definitely stuck with it. Thanks. Is that more along your style or is the beginning more along your style? No, yeah, the beginning. Usually the yelling makes more sense in a longer set because that's the only one that I

really do that aggressively. Yeah, definitely. Definitely does. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost a year and a half. Where are you from? San Diego. How long have you been up here? I come up every week. I've been coming up here every week for about a month or two, probably moving up next year, just kind of getting used to the city.

Isn't there another guy named Ryan Hicks or something like that in San Diego? No, that's me. I actually hosted for you at a comedy juice show. Oh, okay. That's right. That's why that sounds so familiar. First of all, I'm sorry. No, no worries.

No worries. That's all right. It was memorable. I don't think you saw my set. That was okay. After you do that joke, can you come back from it? What's the joke after the screaming one usually, or is that your closer? He goes back to that thing that he said at the end.

Yeah. Do you guys ever think that in a traffic jam, and that usually gets a laugh, and then I can just kind of go back into material? I've been trying to close with it, though. Yeah. That would be a better, if you could make it a close, yeah. Because I just, it seems like to me,

after when that was happening, I got the joke, but it was just like, oh my God, he's just screaming right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It took me out of it where to the point, I was like, dude, this is fucking crazy. I loved it. Thank you.

I didn't think you were screaming because you weren't doing it in the microphone. If you were screaming into the microphone, I thought it would have been awkward. I thought maybe a cool way to end it would be to say, and that's why I don't own a convertible or something to wear. Or that's why I'm not allowed to drive a motorcycle. That's why I don't have a car right now. Or something like that.

But then also the Todd thing. I felt like it's kind of also a punishment to Todd. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? So maybe there's just a little bit more exploring that you can do on that end of it. Like, I'm going to fuck Todd. Because I like how you said that, like, every action. What did you say?

Every punishment should fit the punishment should fit the crime. The punishment should fit the crime. Right. And I think it takes me just a little bit of math to do that because you're saying like, it's my girlfriend fucked my sister's boyfriend. So there's already some math there. Or you could say the punishment should fit the crime and the punishment is my dick

and the crime is his asshole. Yeah, I think just. And I'm going to make it fit. Yeah, I think spell it out because for me, I'm like putting all these people together in my mind and figuring out who's who and

so I just feel like, yeah, if you just spelled it out a little bit more. Or you could just say, I'm going to fuck my sister to get back at everybody. I thought of that when I was writing the joke. Sorry, I go to a darker place. I'm going to fuck my sister to get back at everybody. I thought of that when I was writing the joke. Sorry, I go to a darker place. I'm going to punish him by fucking my sister. And I'm going to make him watch that.

Yeah, you could go all day in that. If Todd doesn't want to do that, I will fuck my sister. Because he should have to pay for not wanting to. He should be punished as well. But I didn't mind the screaming part. I liked it. I liked that it went somewhere. Yeah.

That it wasn't just screaming, that you actually had it. You know, it kept going to a different place and kept getting deeper into, like, fucking crazy shit. Right. And, you know, where it's like you're crazier and crazier and crazier, and then it comes back to, and that's why. Yeah. I liked it. I didn't mind it at all. I liked and crazier, and then it comes back to, and that's why. Yeah, yeah. I like that.

I didn't mind it at all. I liked it. Yeah, I thought it was tangible evidence, and it was stuff that we always think in traffic, which I thought you were really spelling out how we all really feel, but you were putting it in a much more articulate sense, so I thought it was cool. But if I were going to approach something about traffic,

because it's like traffic and stuff like that, it's like a lot of people do it just because it's out's out there yeah i would just simply say have you ever been in traffic and you know someone doesn't merge as opposed to yeah like saying you know how do you feel about track you know right you drive a lot from san diego to here right yeah and a lot in san diego what kind of car do you have uh i just got a chevy. It's like a new... What the fuck? Yeah. It's like a little four-door. It's just like a cheap good fuel efficient car. A Chevy Sonic. Yeah. It just looks like a car.

I mean, it's just... It's a shame it doesn't sound like a car. Yeah, I know, right? It's a shame it doesn't taste like Sonic. It'd be delicious. Did the car dealer come out on roller skates and sell that to you? Yeah, it came with taters. You guys not have Sonic where you're from, you peasants?

Made change. Ryan, thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Ryan Hicks Comedy. He's on Twitter, Ryan Hicks Comedy. That's always fun. I always ask first-time guests a question.

I probably already asked you this. If not, then you'll be next. But I'm going to ask you first court. Was there anything that you did in your first year or six months or whatever of stand-up comedy that you can't believe that you did, that you wish you didn't do, that you hope nobody remembers, that you're glad nobody saw, anything crazy like that? Yeah, I had a really bad night.

Really? I had only been doing comedy about eight months. And I had all tit and dick jokes, as most people do when they first start out. And my friend had a Super Bowl party in San Diego. And Sinbad was the headliner. And he goes, do you want to open for Sinbad? And I was like thinking, oh, Super Bowl party.

People fucked up, drunk, everything. I go, yeah, sure, fuck. I'll do five, six minutes, whatever. And then as we're walking to the venue, he goes, now you know that there's kids and parents and everything. It was like a family party. And I was like,

have you seen my fucking material? Man, it's like I do dick jokes. And he goes, we can't do dick jokes. And I go, then I'm not fucking doing this. He goes, no, no, you're doing it. And I had to stand in front of people. I had to write like five minutes in like ten minutes. With six months in the comedy, I ate so much shit in that six minutes.

I had a table of friends sitting there laughing their balls off at how much shit I was spooning in my face. Yeah. I once had something like that happen. I was doing the road with Sam Tripoli, and this was very early on, maybe like a year, year and a half in, and I was very dirty too,

and he goes, yeah, man, this is going to be a fun gig. It was up in Modesto, so Tripoli and I are taking this six hour drive north i at one point halfway through the drive i go so what's this gig that we're doing and uh he says what i think is a joke he goes yeah bro it's a convention of 7-eleven owners from all around the country bro and. And I totally, I laugh. And I'm like, ha ha. And when you're the opener, and you're that early on,

and you're happy to be a part of the gig, you know what I mean? You don't, I assumed it was a joke, so I didn't ask again. You know what I mean? I wasn't like, no, but seriously, for him to go, no, it's seriously 7-Eleven owners, I thought he was just making a joke.

Turns out it was just 7-Eleven owners. I thought he was just making a joke. Turns out it was just 7-Eleven owners from all around the country. And it was round tables. So half the crowd's facing the other way. They're literally eating dinner while it's happening and we have to perform at a podium. Like all this, everything's wrong. There's a dance floor in between the podium and them.

So it's like 50 feet away. I'm just like, isn't that crazy guys and nobody's paying attention and the only person it must have been 150 200 7-11 owners in this giant hotel ballroom and the only person you can hear is all the way in the back

of the room and it's Tripoli just dying goes oh I'm just bombing and he knew that he'd remember it for the rest of his life and uh they're eating pizza and wait you know taquitos he was dying in the back of the room dog in his hand just like yeah because it had to be clean and it had to be 10 minutes and I had none of that so I'm just milking everything I'm like like, 7-Eleven, huh? So yeah, screw Exxon Mobil. Am I right, people?

Don't you hate it when people go to gas stations for stuff? And they're just like, who the fuck is this kid? And it was bad. Why is this in my place? Oh, it was bad. It was literally 7-Eleven owners. It was like a fucking nightmare. I'm the Captain Mel.

Yeah. Look at that. Sarah, have I ever asked you that? you asked me that yeah and I told you about how I used to draw the Mason Dixon line on my stomach and lift it up oh my god I remember that I remember that that's so bad that I blocked out the memory

yeah exactly until Bobby Lee was like you don't have to draw it people will just believe you I was like oh you don't have to draw it. People will just believe you. Right. I was like, oh, okay. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. It took a while, though.

And it always stayed on because it was in Sharpie. Really? I'm doing two sets tonight. I'm drawing this dark. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. I'm just amazed that I ever lifted up my shirt on stage.

That's more amazing to me. I'm going to love this. This is our friend from Phoenix that's here in town everybody. Heidi Gildas everyone. Chance together for Heidi everybody. Here she is. together for heidi everybody here she is all right comedy store so i'm in from phoenix and last month we were doing our back to school

shopping i have kids and we went to the walmart i'm sorry guys but i did and this guy in front of me wasn't wearing a shirt now i get it we live live in Phoenix, but the least you could do is cover your hairy nipples. I mean, we're in a grocery store, right? But I did notice he had a sweet tattoo. It was a Jesus tattoo. And it had the sweet Jesus abs. And it said, he died for our sins. In English, because he's a gangster, and that's what font of choice they have.

So I thought, that's awesome that he died for our sins. But if a lady said to you, I'm dying for your sins right now, how bitchy would that be, right? But a guy says it, let's write a book. So I was thinking, let's say it was a lady, a girl Jesus, a Kardashian type, if you will, and she's on the cross, crucified, and she says, do you guys even know who my dad is?

Boom. I love that. Heidi, how long have you been doing stand-up? Eight months. Eight months, and all in Phoenix, right? And wow, that's so cool. You're so likable on stage. Yeah, very likable.

Yeah. Should I? Yeah, I just wanted to say, first of all, it was very cool and cute, and you're very likable. When you say we shop at Walmart, I wouldn't apologize for that. I would actually make a joke about it and just be like, we went school shopping at Walmart because we have money, and that's where people with money go.

You know what I mean? You can get an extra laugh out of the fact that you have to go to Walmart. We go shopping at Walmart because we don't like people to get paid for their services. If I did, I would be shopping at Macy's, but I'm not that kind of person. Or you can make a joke about being from Phoenix and how it's so hard to be Latina in Phoenix because you have to show your ID, so you might as well go to Walmart and hurt white people. I shop at Walmart because the girls are easier than the girls at Target. Is that true?

How can you have self-esteem issues? I think you can get some extra jobs. I thought you were really good. I thought the material you wrote was good. I thought you were fine. I thought you were very comfortable. Everybody's

nervous. You always get nervous. But it was like, I thought you did very good. Eight months in, fucking outstanding. I have a question. Where was the tattoo? On his back. So it covered the, like. The whole back, yeah.

And it said he died for our sins. And it was a sweet. And was the Jesus facing outward? Or was he facing, like it was Jesus' back? Outward. Oh, okay. So that's what happens to the joke is I say that then religious wars would be, if it was a girl Jesus, would she be hot or not?

And since she's a Kardashian type, on the crucifix she'd be like ass out. Oh, I see. Like lady font, I died for your sins. Holler. I love when you say Jesus had rock hard abs. I think that's something

that I never really noticed that he does. He's got sweet abs. I'm sure there's more there. You never read about that part in the Bible where he's just doing sit-ups for five hours a day for some reason. But man, he really works those things. Yeah, how do you get abs in sandals?

Get out of here. Other main religious figures don't have bodies like that, right? Well, we don't also get to see them. Buddha looks like shit. Who else is there? There's Mohammed. We don't know what Mohammed looks like.

Right. Oh, he's so great because we don't even know. How amazing. Anyway. Yeah, I feel like there's a little bit. We just lost our one Muslim podcast listener, guys. I think there's more that you can do about why the guy has his shirt off at Walmart. You know what I mean?

I guess if you have a sweet tattoo like that, you want to show it off. The crazy part was, since he was in front of you in line, you could tell by his order that he wasn't even buying a shirt. Yeah. It was just grocery. Right. So it's like you're in a store that also has clothes. Right.

And there's probably also something about how he had a belly, but Jesus has rock hard abs on his back. You know what I mean? Like he doesn't even use Jesus as an inspiration in that way. But is that technically a tramp stamp if it's on your back? Well, that's true. Was it on his lower back? It covered his whole back.

Holy shit. But I think there's also, if you have a Jesus on your back, like a monkey on your back, there's something that you could say there about having, you're carrying the weight of Jesus on your back. And it was a little dude too. Yeah, right. Yeah.

You could also say something like, his name was Jesus too. Double dipping on the Jesus. It was like, this doesn't look like the same Jesus. Well, that's fun. How long are you in town for? What brings you to LA? So I'm actually on a family vacation. I asked my husband and my daughter to drop me off so I

can do some stage time. Oh, wow. That's great. So they dropped you off in LA and went back to Phoenix. Don't applaud family values. Jesus. This is kill Tony. No, they went to Universal Studios right now and then they're going to come pick me up. Oh, nice. That's very Latino

of them. Yeah, very. That is the Latino Disney world over there. Seedy walk. It really is. I went to shitty walk, you guys. It'd be nice. Oh, that's cool. Are you going to be at our show Thursday?

No, I'm not going to be there. I'm going to be here the whole week. I know. Really? Oh, my goodness. That's insane. We're going to be in Phoenix and you're going to be here. I'm sorry. What are the odds of that? I'm going to be there in December. Awesome. I'll my goodness. That's insane. We're going to be in Phoenix, and you're going to be here. What are the odds of that? I'm going to be there in December. Awesome. I'll be there.

Yes. Boom. At the stand-up Scottsdale. I can't talk. I'm at stand-up Scottsdale. Heidi, who are some of your favorite stand-ups that you've seen that you like, that inspire you? Dean Del Rey, Sarah. I saw you when I came here the first time actually

I think I saw you in the OR Tom Segura I've never seen him live but I love him yeah I mean just his cadence and everything

that's yeah that's awesome yeah I love it Heidi it was so much fun to have you on I'm so glad you came

out of the bucket great job great seeing you Heidi Geldis everybody she's on Twitter at Heidi Geldis H-E-I-D-I-G-E-L-D-I-S. Heidi. We love

Heidi. We always hang out with her after our shows whenever we're in Phoenix or anywhere in Arizona. And now she's here, which is great. Billy Anderson, Scotland's finest. Holy shit. Fuck yeah.

Sometimes the bucket just shits out magic, everybody. How's it going? So, let me swallow my gum. So, I'm 21 years old. This is my first time doing stand-up comedy. I'm from a different country.

And I really like digging myself out of holes, so this should be interesting. I don't know how much you know about Scotland, but it's cold. And it's so cold that I can actually remember a time it was socially acceptable to wear a ski mask. In public. In public. At school. What I'm trying to say is, I think terrorists have ruined ski masks. I hate being from a nation of people doomed to look like Norwegian fishermen

standing on the edge of a dock with their chapped, cracked lips. Yeah, good job. 55 seconds of thunder. Thunder. You almost fell off of the stage at one point. That was pretty awesome. I almost fell off the planet.

But it's better to be too far forward than it is to back up and fear the audience. So that's good. You almost were the first comedian to stage dive on Kill Tony. I would have loved that. How exciting, Billy. That was your first time ever on stage? Great job.

That's awesome. Wow. I love your style. My initial thoughts are just, you get it. I could tell that. I could tell you love comedy. You immediately acknowledge the Scotland thing, which would be most important and doing anything else would just be stupid.

You know, if you came up here and started talking about, you know, dragons and Jesus's abs or anything, it just would have been silly because you're so blatantly from Scotland. And I love the joke. The ski mask joke is great.

It's something probably where I'd say that there's more there. Crock pots. Terrorists have ruined crock pots. Oh, yeah. There's so many little things you can think of, I bet. Bombs. They ruin bombs.

Used to be so much fun to, you know, get a few batteries and link them all together and blow it off in your enemy's backyard. Now... Now you can't do that. They ruin beheading. It used to be a cool sport down in the Midwest. But I'd also

imagine that with the terrorist ski mask thing and you talking about the cold weather that there might be something in, like, you know, if you set it up right, then your first joke about that could be something around, you know, we were the, you know, terrorists ruined that. So that's your one thing. But you could say, you know, before terrorists wore those, we were just wearing them because we were cold. Freezing cold. We were the original ISIS. Like there's something in that because then you're combining

terrorism and the freezing ice. Yeah. Ice us. Ice us. Right. That was the joke, Billy. Yeah, I think you can make it even more obvious. Like, you say you're from Scotland, and then you say, as if your name isn't Scottish. I mean, your name is Billy Anderson.

It might as well just be called... Johnny Walker. Yeah. Johnny Walker or Johnny Bagpipes or something. You know, Haggis Bagpipes. Do you know how to play the bagpipes? No. Are you a fan of Rowdy Roddy Piper? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn right, Haggis. Stage name? Yeah. Do you know how to play the bagpipes? No. Are you a fan of Roddy Roddy Piper?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn right, you better be. Piper's been on this show before. Yeah. Multiple times. What are you doing in town? Just vacationing? Yeah, vacationing and this.

Great. Yeah, and Kill Tony. This is one of your main things. Yeah. Small reveal. Represent. Small reveal. What part of Scotland do you live in?

The south. No one knows. I was just in Scotland. I was in Edinburgh and I was in Glasgow. Yeah, that's the only place anyone knows. Well, that's why I was asking because we had to take a train through some towns. Dumfries.

Shout out. Absolutely no fucking idea where that place is. Well, I went to a whiskey tasting and there were different regions of Scotland that I learned about. And the southern region was not the one I liked. There was so much you learned that night. A whiskey tasting, huh?

Yeah. One of her many suitors took her to a whiskey tasting. I bet. I've ruined this mic stand. I just thought you'd know. How did you ruin it, Billy? You just had to turn it. I didn't stand up stand I just thought you'd know how did you ruin it Billy you just had to turn it twist the to the other side

everyone learning in progress there you go it's just like the metric system Billy what else have you done fun since you've been in town I got lunch and then came here you should check out Universal Studios. It's quite the place. Billy, what do you do for work in Scotland?

Jesus. All right, kill people? That's why he's on vacation. He's on vacation from resting, I guess. Yeah, yeah. I'm on vacation from vacation. I'm unemployed. I do nothing. You're 21 years old, though, right? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah. I'm on vacation from vacation. I'm unemployed. I do nothing.

You're 21 years old, though, right? Yeah, I said 21. You got two or three more years before you can keep fucking off. Are you still in college? How does that work out there? No, I left college. I'm just on unemployment because I'm a scab. So they have unemployment in Scotland.

Oh, yeah. Oh, good thing they did. Oh, yeah. Good thing the referendum went that way. You'd be real fucked right now. Nobody got that. I did. Is it true, all the stereotypes? Your family

drinks a lot. You drink a lot. Everybody drinks, right? Yeah. Just whiskey all day. Yeah. What's the best whiskey? Johnny Walker. Johnny Walker Blue. There you whiskey? Johnny Walker. Johnny Walker Blue. There you go. Johnny Walker Blue.

Boom. Nailed it. Iron Madonia. What do you think about this guy? What do you think about Scotland? What goes on in your mind when you see him? I like his hair. That's right.

That's for sure. I like his attitude. I like everything he's got going on. Sounds like a real fucking man crush there. Have you ever been fucked by a robot before, Billy? A little taste of America is going to happen tonight. I actually have a rabbit attached down here. He's not from Ireland.

He's from Scotland. He hasn't been fucked by a robot. Okay, Billy, so what's your next goal now that you've accomplished this? What are you going to do here in LA before you get back? Are you going to get an Asian massage? Are you going to go visit a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills? What locally are you excited to see or do?

Venice Beach? Anything? I'm going to go hit some death squad shows. And probably going to buy weed because weed's legal here, right? It's not legal in Scotland? No. What happens if you get caught with weed in Scotland? They make you drink scotch.

You drink all this fucking whiskey. Yeah. It's jail. For how long? Depends. Depends on how much. Wow. But you can just get drunk as all hell.

Oh, yeah. Then they don't care at all. They encourage that. They introduced 24-hour drinking, and then things just fell apart. 24-hour drinking? Yep. What does that mean?

Like Vegas style. Wow. Yeah. It went south really quickly. You're so Scottish, and you drink so much whiskey that even talking to you made Court have to go pee.

Yeah. It's amazing. So, Billy. You ever drink so much you see a blue baby walking on your ceiling? Not yet. I mean, it's a goal, I suppose. That usually happens

when you're older and your liver gives out completely. So, you'll probably see it one day. What are your goals I mean what do you want to do with life you're 21 years old you've already been on stage at the comedy store how long have you been 21 for

until tomorrow oh really tomorrow's your birthday happy birthday boom wow Billy Anderson give him some American whiskey that's true crown royal I'm kidding that's Canadian Wow, Billy Anderson. Give him some American whiskey. That's true. America.

Crown Royal. Are you kidding? That's Canadian. But it's really good. Do they even have Crown Royal in Scotland? Yeah, yeah, totally. People love it, right? We have every whiskey you could possibly imagine.

All right, Jesus, Billy, relax. It's kind of depressing there. It's so beautiful, yet it's so depressing there. It was really cold when I was there, too. And I was there in August, which is like the nicest. And by the way, your seagulls are the worst. The seagulls there are so beautiful, yet it's so depressing there. It was really cold when I was there, too. And I was there in August, which is like the nicest. And by the way, your seagulls are the worst. The seagulls there are so loud, they sound like they're choking on other seagulls. Like literally, they're like, like a Disney movie, like crazy.

Yeah, that's true. Edinburgh to me was just like a terrible Disneyland. It was like four Disneyland's attached. And I'm like, I'm sick of castles and all the food's expensive and it tastes bad. I don't want to be here. You ever hang out in castles? Yes. Strangely yes. You ever wear a metal suit of

armor before? Yes. That seems like a very Scottish thing. Yeah. Why do people in Scotland do that stuff? Because weed's not legal. Are you the only person in Scotland with the internet? I think so. Can you do a Sean Connery

impression? Can you not do a Sean Connery impression? Billy, it was a pleasure, buddy. Billy Anderson, everybody. Good job, Billy. He's on Twitter. It's Death Squad Alba, A-L-B-A. Alba, Scotland. So if you've ever wondered who Death Squad Alba, A-L-B-A. Alba, Scotland.

So if you've ever wondered who Death Squad Alba is... Two members and one is a sheep. I love it. Okay, this looks like a new name I haven't seen before. Put your hands together for Scott Black. Scott Black. Oh, shit.

You know what that means? No, if you miss your spot, that means you get blacklisted. There you go. That's what happens is Patriot makes a noise and you don't come back on again. Fuck that guy. Yeah. It happens that quick. The blacks.

Well, no, I think you're confused. No, it's called a blacklist because that's just the list they go on. His name is Blacks. Well, no, I think you're confused. No, it's called a blacklist because that's just the list they go on. His name is Blackstone. Oh, wow. You just put him on the blacklist. Wow. The first guy was white, Dano White. I'm just saying.

To the back of the bus, Scott Blacks. Well, if there's anything we know about the Blacks. Look how offended the early comics get. If we know anything about the Blacks family, he's probably just running late. He'll probably be here anyway. That's okay. He would have ran the light anyway.

They love running. Anyway, guys. Oh, this is going the wrong way. Going the wrong way. This is definitely a new name because I'd remember this one if I saw it. Put your hands together for Lauren Lauren. No plus nobody I know

Got kids South Central Got a little following. Lauren Lauren, everybody. Here she is. Hello. Hello. Can you hear me? Turn the mic up, Brian. Just kidding. All right, guys. Hi, everyone. I am at the Britney Spears stage of my life, where I'm not a girl, but I've made out with a woman. Thanks, Sarah.

I've done everything a young lady should. I'm a young lady. I graduated college, traveled the country, had a few pregnancy scares, went vegan. But I still don't consider myself a woman. I think you're a woman when you have at least a B cup and have took it in your ass. One of two, you're almost there, but not quite. But yeah, any feminists in here?

Any feminists? All right, guys. Well, why don't you guys do yourself a favor and stop it? Okay, that's it. Thank you. There you go. Exactly one minute. it. Okay, that's it. Thank you.

There you go. Exactly one minute. How long have you been doing stand-up, Lauren? This is my first night. You have to talk into the mic. This is my first night. Wow. Look at that. That's great. Your first joke made me laugh out loud. That's great. And I like

that you do anal on your first night. That much I love. That much I love. I didn't like that. That's great. And I like that you do anal on your first night. That much I love. That much I love. I didn't like that. That's a solid characteristic right there. I love it. You ever been with a character from Teen Wolf before? Actually, I have. You want to complete

that trifecta, by the way? All right, anyway. That went the wrong way for you, didn't it? Well, I mean,? Yeah. Okay. Well, I mean, I got that joke. I don't know if you guys got that joke, because it was a reference to a Britney Spears song, and then she did a switch at the end.

So I thought that... Because she made out with... Out with a woman, yeah, an old lady. Madonna when she was like 23, and that's how old I am. I thought it was really smart. And then I thought you were going to go in a cool direction and stay smart, and then you didn't. Yeah, I didn't.

And I was really upset because I felt like that angle of, like, I'm not yet a woman, and I don't think you're a woman until you do this. I just thought that's hard. Why do you think that? What is the thing with the anal that makes you think that that would make you a woman? Yes, why is that? Yeah. Like when a guy

puts something in his butt, that makes him a woman. But that's because we don't have vaginas. No, well, I said you're not a woman unless it's... Very good point. Yeah. I don't know. I just think that's a very womanly thing to do. Really?

Yeah, I mean... There you go. Standing ovation from the comedians in the top. Ah, yeah. I think it'll probably get a laugh or a groan, but it won't be a sincere laugh. I think you can be smarter than that. If your first joke is that smart,

you already know what you're doing, and you can take that in another direction that people won't expect. You can still start with the B cup and then you can go somewhere else. Thank you. Yeah, you're not a woman until you're comfortable wearing certain kind of underwear or whatever.

You'll be a woman soon. The agent, Agent Brian Redband, what do you think? She should do more Tom Hanks-y stuff? Lauren, who was the girl that you made out with? Just a chick that I made out with. Well, that would be, yes, that would be one part of the woman thing again. Yeah.

Who was it, a friend, a teacher? It was a friend of a friend that I met at a party. So it was just one night, one kiss? It was a one night, one thing. Never done it again. Do you want it to happen again? Certainly, yes. Brian, put something in your butt and make out with her.

I'm still not a B cup though, so I'm still not going to be a lady. What about a finger? I'm sorry? What about a finger? I'm sorry? What about a finger? You got like a little finger? That's fine.

Wait, what? Oh my God. Okay, guys, this guy's got weird. He's just gone a whole other direction. I mean, I just think if you're going to tell people not to be feminist and do like that kind of stuff, which I think is cool because I think feminism is ruining the world. But I mean, I think you can expand on that. But I don't think if you're going to go in that direction, you can do something so.

Well, I have more on it, but it's only a minute. That's fine, but you still don't have to do taking it in the butt joke because that's a cheap laugh when you're obviously working towards a smarter goal. I see, yeah. Yeah, it didn't seem like it fit the rest of your jokes. It didn't fit the rest. It seemed like one of those early shock jokes

that were just like, ah, ass sex. Thank you. That's really good feedback. Thanks. So how long have you been on stand-up again? First time.

This is my first time. And where are you from? I'm from here. I'm from LA. What made you want to start stand-up? Comedians. Who's your favorite?

Who did you watch? I love Dave Attell. He's my favorite. You should have been here last week when he was on the show. I was. I was here and I saw him do Comedy Underground. Wow. Now, Lauren Lauren, what's the deal with that name?

I'm not giving myself any disservice with that. I don't know. L2. I like it. It always makes me laugh. I think it's cool. You think so? Yeah.

You don't think having a real name is always the better way to go about it? What is your real name? Lauren Castaneda. Castaneda? So you use your real name? It's Castaneda, but people don't like saying stuff like that. All right, Lauren, Lauren it is. It's Castaneda, but people don't like saying stuff like that. All right, Lauren, Lauren it is.

I used to go by my full name, and then MC started cutting it off, so now I just became Sarah Tiana. Tiana is my middle name. So my last name just got cut off by MC, and it just stuck. So eventually something will stick, but I don't mind Lauren, Lauren. I think it's kind of fun. Lauren, but play Lauren. Jesus Christ.

So this is exciting. Now, what were you doing for work before? I mean, do you still have a job? I don't have a job, but I work on films and stuff. What do you do on films? I've been working towards being a first assistant director. Oh, wow. Nice.

That's kind of what I've been doing. Whoa. That's exciting. Vivid, MGM. None of that. How long have you been doing that for? Pretty much like, well, I mean, I guess this year I've just been starting it.

A few months, like six months or something. That's great. How old are you? I'm 23. Yeah. Perfect. Awesome. Well, there you go.

You're right on your way. Come back. Lauren Lauren, everybody. That was really good. Cool. Really good. We're popping cherries here tonight, two of them. You know what?

She's on Twitter at the Lauren Lauren. Let's keep this fun train moving along. This is exciting. I like that name. Iron Madonia is in the house. How you doing, bud? Rocking and rolling. Double the pleasure.

Live audience, how are you guys? We doing this? Oh, shit. I am so excited. I just pulled this name out. We had him on for the first time ever on this show last week, and he decimated so hard on this show that the talent coordinator who was in the back of the room

booked him a spot in the original room that he had or is going to have tonight. That's the kind of magic that happens here on Kill Tony. He got swooped up out of this show and was put in the original room and he's here for his second time ever last week and now. Fang Chow everybody.

To call Ice Cube the top gun. Over to the bed and I'm posting. Took another sip of the potion. How are you guys doing? Good? Fucking yeah. Just let me get this out of the way, huh? What if I trip and fall? It's not gonna be funny.

I am feeling really, really Asian right about now. I woke up this morning. I checked myself. Still Chinese. Really happy about it. I jerked off. I had some cereals. Just regular Monday.

I am very Chinese. Here's the deal. Child labor is a problem over in China. Obviously. But the new iPhone 6 is really nice. All right, I think I'm running out of time. Thank you, guys. There you go. Got a good internal clock. Thank you, guys. There you go.

Got a good internal clock, 58.88 seconds. Fang Chao. Man, you have such a great cadence. Your timing is insane. I really hope that the longer, the more time that you spend here, I really hope that your English doesn't get better. It's a serious concern for me because if it does, I feel like it's going to mess up this awesome

thing you have going on. You almost had a full-out applause break because you said cereals instead of cereal. I am a third attempt like Rosetta Stone English version. I'm trying. Stop trying. Stop trying. I'm just, you know, like. Just keep an eye on it. Stop trying. Stop trying.

Yeah. Just keep, just let it go. Yeah. Alright, I'll write that down. Of all the Chinese characters I don't know, you're my favorite. Thank you. You're welcome. I take that as a compliment. I like when you walked up and you just, the way you just are honest. And I like that

you know, because you're here, I mean obviously your English sucks. But it's comfortable though that like you stand up that because you're here, I mean obviously your English sucks but it's comfortable though that like you stand up there and you're just yourself and that's funny and that's hard to do so hang on to that because just being yourself is the hardest thing to do on stage

and you do it very well and just keep doing that because the material doesn't have have I mean the material is good it was good material but I think you know you'll is your how long you've been doing stand-up like a year and a half yeah you look at them with more material more material come but just your presence is really solid and your comfort of being there makes it really fun to watch you so I really

enjoyed it yeah thank you for you. So I really enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it. Yeah, thank you for being honest. Did you already do your spot downstairs that you got from last week? How'd that go for you? I think I did pretty good. And I get a lot... Are you one of those super humble guys that you always just say,

I think I did pretty good? He's Chinese, yeah. Oh, yeah. I think cocky Chinese people do. Yeah, I think being humble is the way to do it I don't I'm Feng Chao let me be me

I know I definitely want you to be you do you have any food allergies? what kind of question is that? is it possible that when you hold the mic, you can hold it like chopsticks? I can do that, yeah. Okay, that would be cool. If I want to.

But everybody is freaking out about Ebola. And I was like, I'm fucking from China. What does that mean? You don't know what Ebola is? I'm fucking from China. What does that mean? You don't know what Ebola is? I know what that is. I just take my vitamins and jerk off every day. I'm fine. I'm all set.

I'm not scared about Ebola. You guys shouldn't either, right? Right. Yeah, you fucking idiot. Eat a burrito or something, right? Why could you be afraid when all you have to do is take a multivitamin and choke off every day? Don't you know that's the only way to not get Ebola? Can I talk to you about your set for a second?

Because the first thing you said was, I like the way you set it up, and then you said, I woke up today feeling very Chinese. And I thought you were going to talk about the Bruce Lee shirt that you're wearing, but then you didn't. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I didn't. But I wanted to. I the Bruce Lee shirt that you're wearing but then you didn't I didn't but I wanted to Bruce Lee guys but also like it didn't totally make sense to me the joke because you know I think you're getting laughs off of your presence and I think you can be getting more laughs off of your material

and I feel like the first thing you said is I woke up and I checked myself and I said I'm still Chinese and I'm fine with that. I was really happy about it. Why were you really happy about it? Because I'm still Chinese. What were you expecting to wake up as?

Like a dragon? Did you wake up? I don't know. That's an honest question. Do Chinese people look more Chinese when they first wake up? Because your eyes are more closed. Do Chinese people look more Chinese when they first wake up?

Because your eyes are still like more closed. No, it's only like when I only get to that stage when I smoke weed. You know, like what? See, I thought. You could even do something like at least I thank God I wasn't Korean or something. There you go. You know, I woke up, I'm still Chinese. Thank God I'm not Korean. If I woke up Korean, my mom will fucking kill me.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, yeah. What brought you to this world? Yeah. Yeah, but something along those lines, yeah. Meanwhile, everyone in the audience is going, he's not Korean? Right?

We've never seen a Chinese guy. Are you sure? Right. What kind of cereals did you have this morning? Uh, Cheerios. I had a feeling it was going to be Cheerios. That's what he said, Cheerios, but it said Cereos, right?

I had a cereal. Oh, you said cereal. I thought you said Cheerios, but you were making it sound even more Asian. Your jokes have layers on them. I got... It's like Pulp Fiction. Everybody hears a different joke. Everybody sees a different movie.

That's a good way to do movie. I got this, guys. It's a good way to do it. Yeah, I got this. I thought he was going to say, I woke up on the side of a road after driving off of a bridge because I'm Chinese. You know, that's what I thought. Well, you thought that.

That's another thing you say. Like, I woke up, I checked myself, I'm still Asian, and I woke up from... You know what I was trying to say? I woke up on the side of, or the bottom of a bridge. I get the feeling that you are... I honestly, I will timestamp it right now. How long are you in America for?

My visa already ran out, so hopefully forever. Till this podcast goes live, I guess. I'm going to be here for guess so you got a few months how long you think you're gonna be here for like the next 10 years at least alright well then I'm saying it right now I guarantee you that Fang Chao

is gonna be a superstar I'm stamping it that is a guarantee the only thing you can't do is, you know, don't get sick. If you die, you're going to make me look like an idiot. I got you on this. So don't do that. I don't know if you're one of those Chinese guys

that like sits down and smokes cigarettes all day, but you got to take care of yourself. Yeah, don't get SARS. Right. I survived that in 2002. Good job, good job. So you survived that. That's why you're not worried about Ebola.

Yeah, I'm not. Fuck Ebola. Plus you and your family always wear the surgical mask everywhere you go, right? Right, yeah. They do. I don't. That is the weirdest Asian thing out of all the things. Do they sell those? I pick on them all the time. Macy's?

Like Kmart, maybe. Asian Macy's? Racy's? And the quickest way to start them is to give all the judges an iPhone 6, just so you know. That's true. Let me call my cousin. Yeah, call your cousin. Have him smuggle a few out of the factory. There we go.

Fang Chao, thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Have a good night. Thank you. Please come back again. Good job. Fang Chao is on Twitter. He's Fang Chao, F-E-N-G-C-H-A-O-8-0-8-0 on Twitter.

How exciting. Thank you, Fang. This is the part of the show where we move on to our two regulars. We have two young ladies that do a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. We've gotten to watch them grow over the past year and a half. It's always a new 60 Seconds. So let's do it again. Going up first here

tonight, you know her from her many appearances on, of course, this show and Dysentery. She's always taking something small and talking about it, breaking it down, making a bigger deal about a small type of thing, you know, like really delving in, breaking it down. As of late,

she's been on high alert. We have, we've noticed that we're going through, you know, sometimes times are rougher than others. it down. As of late, she's been on high alert. We noticed that we're going through, you know, sometimes times are rougher than others. But I have my money on her picking herself up during this dark time. Put your hands together for...

We do this every week. What are you people freaking out about? Welcome new people. Put your hands together for the hilarious Sarah Wineshank, everybody. Well, I'm gonna pick myself back up this week by talking about

Tupperware. I feel like that's a good place to begin. My friend made me a dish. I went to her house. She insisted on giving me leftovers from a casserole I never wanted. my friend made me a dish, I went to her house, she insisted on giving me leftovers from a casserole I never wanted, and then for a fucking week, consistently texted me, asking me to get her back her Tupperware.

She wanted her dry food storage container back. If I make something and I put it in a Tupperware, I say, fuck it, keep it. I'm not trying to be that person. What about Tupperware parties? Like, it's ladies' night. You want to trade dry food storage containers? I have a rectangle. You got a square?

Perfect. I have some sponge cake that could fit in that. If you're a Tupperware woman, eventually you just become... If you're like a Tupperware obsessed woman, you eventually become a weird Post-it note lever.

That's what you evolve into. Like if you... Okay. Fuck yeah. Sarah Weinshank. Tupperware. That is an interesting one because it's not often talked about

and I love the angle that you have on that you're attacking on it of how crazy people get. They always want it back. It's a weird thing. Maybe they just want to see you again. I don't know. I think they just want their Tupperware back. I like I don't know. I think they just want their Tupperware back.

I like the dry storage container. That's like dry storage container. And when you get in the shapes, it's good too. You know, square, rectangle. There's a circle one that's more of a gladlock type of device. Yeah. You know, maybe there's

something. How the fuck do you know that there's a fucking small glad lock device? I deal with a lot of to-go containers. Elyse Lane always sends me home with my food rather than, I can't eat it here. By the way, that shit was good tonight. Oh, yeah. Anyway.

Did you get to eat Elyse Lane's food? No. You have a dish waiting for you. Yay. I hope you like sirloin steak. I do. Back to the dry storage containers. Come on.

I think it's interesting, but I think it's interesting to know what you thought Tupperware was for. When people put food, I feel like there's other uses for it. The fact of if somebody came to your house, what would you give them? Something to go in.

You know what I mean? I would just tell them to keep it right right yeah yeah you'd be like why don't you just take it in the to-go box that was it was delivered in or whatever you know like i think it's interesting like why i mean it's not that interesting of a topic to begin with but but it still could be interesting because you're interesting do you have tupperware nope my roommates have tupperware and then they're always wondering where their tupperware went and it's all in the trash yeah it's me you take your roommates tupperware i take it all the time and then i'm like fuck i don't want to wash that it's been in my car let's just get rid of it exactly like a like a science experiment. See, that's the stuff that you should

also be talking about because everybody goes through that with that. You throw a dish in your back seat and then all of a sudden you're afraid to open it up again. Tupperware is always the one you throw away. The plastic ones. You just don't want it to look inside the mold and all that. The glass ones you can

reuse but the plastic ones are meant to be thrown away eventually. Yeah. Yeah. And if you can't find the lid, the right one. I just don't know. This seems like a topic that if you found something hilarious about it, I would keep it. But there's nothing.

I don't know. It just seems like we're digging really hard to find something funny about Tupperware. I don't know, though. With her style, I don't think she's that far off. find something funny about Tupperware. I don't know, though. With her style, I don't think she's that far off. I want to keep Tupperware Red Band. I think it's interesting. I think the interesting part is that someone wants it back.

When people want things back that you consider garbage, like insulin or whatever, like whatever people think that they need, but you're like, you don't really need it. You just want it. Yeah. Tupperware. Like a mint container or something. Like you wouldn't want that back. See, when your friends say, when your roommates say,

where the fuck's my Tupperware? Sarah, did you take it? What do you say? Oh, your Tupperware is missing? That's very good. Did you get that at a party yeah there you go

Sarah Weinshank everybody brand new 60 seconds just like every other week our other regular Florida University dropout she dropped out of college after her very first time on stage, which was right here in this room on this live podcast.

She's been doing a brand new minute every single week for you ever since. Here she is. It's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Hello, guys. My name's Kim. But sometimes the bartender calls me, Ma'am, you're cut off. I read a headline today.

It said, Chris Brown says Ebola is a form of government population control. And they called him a musician. Can you believe that? That was the most shocking part. They called him a musician. I wrote a joke earlier about a flip phone, but it's a throwaway. So I didn't use it. I think that if you love someone, you should really throw your heart at them. And if they don't catch it, they probably play for the Raiders.

Okay, that's it. Hell yeah. Did you get into an argument with a Raiders fan this week? No. When the bartender says, ma'am, you're cut off, give us another word for ma'am. What else would they call you besides ma'am?

Kim, you're cut off. Other word. Miss. Miss, yeah. No, something that describes what you look like. Hey, you know, blah, blah, blah. You're cut off. You'll get another.

What I'm saying is you're going to get a bigger laugh. What did you say, Dan? Bitch face. Oh, that's a good one. That'll work. Thank you. That would work. Anytime.

Very good, Dan, from three-point range over there. Yeah. Boom. Now I know how Dan feels. yeah that would work anytime very good Dan from three point range over there yeah boom now I know how Dan feels yeah what was the second joke

that you did oh you know I messed that one up Chris Brown the original joke was supposed to say in the title it says musician

Chris Brown right says and I was gonna say can you believe that they called him a musician yeah but I kind of fucked it up that's a good joke though the throw away thing

I mean that's obviously that's for when you're performing in a comedian only open mic or something like that I'd imagine because I know you do a lot of those shows where you're just working stuff out that'll work there but never again in front of an actual audience in my opinion what do I know but it's a joke about jokes so where you're just working stuff out. That'll work there, but never again in front of an actual audience.

In my opinion, what do I know? But it's a joke about jokes. Do it during the check drop. It's a little bit inside baseball. Also, the Chris Brown joke, you can use a hit reference. You know what I mean? That hit me where it hurt. Can you believe they would call him a musician? believe it that they would call him a musician?

That's a real punch in the face or something like that. His only hit was Rihanna. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, other than that, that's fantastic. You did it again. What's going on in your life this week? Anything crazy? Nothing too exciting. I think I'm going to do another Rose Battle

pretty soon. Ooh, exciting. For those of you that don't know, the super popular, one of my favorite shows to just come to and hang out at, roast battle happens here every Tuesday at midnight. Yeah. Hosted by the great Brian Moses. And our Kim Congdon here is 3-0. I am.

A lot of people call her the Ronda Rousey of roast battle. She is the undefeated woman champion. Is that Brian right there? Three hands together for Brian Moses in the back of the room, scouting it out. Brian's going to be on this show very soon. Good job. On the panel. Kim Congdon, everybody.

There she goes. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Oh, you're 3-0? Really? She just took down Ralphie May last week. Oh, yeah, that's right. Literally took down Ralphie May. You know what else

took down? All right, forget it. By the way, for any listeners who are in New York, Brian, when's the roast battle in New York City? November? November? November 8th, Saturday, 10 o'clock. If you're listening anywhere near the East Coast, go see Roast Battle at the New York Comedy Festival. Guys, that was Kill Tony, everybody. We did it. Feel free to go watch us all do stand-up in the original room downstairs after this. Dan Madonia, anything coming up that you want to promote? You're on Twitter.

Second season of Relationship coming out. Whoa. Google Relationship. Find it on YouTube. Him and the hilarious Christina, his partner in crime, have great, great, great video shorts that they make. Court McCown, you're on Twitter at Court McCown, M-C-C-O-W-N,

all one word, Court C-O-R-T. Yes, sir. And then I have on all things comedy,.C-O-R-T. Yes, sir. And then I have, on all things comedy, Insensitivity Training with Joe Bartnick. Great podcast. Oh, awesome. That's you two? Yeah. Wow, that's so cool.

I love Joe Bartnick. He is awesome. He's a solid dude. Great guy. Former Lisa Lampanelli roast writer. So him and I connect hard on that stuff. We love busting balls. Speaking of roast writers, Sarah Tiana, she's 3-0 in roast battle, Comedy Central roast writer and a writer of the

TV show The Burn. So she's very, very evil everybody. Don't let that sweet face confuse you. She will tear your heart out of your chest. What's coming up? Sarah Tiana, you're on Twitter at Sarah Tiana. At Sarah Tiana Sarah with an H. Tiana with a Tiana

and I'll be in the San Jose Improv this Sunday. Awesome. If anybody's going to be up there. I love it. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. This was Kill Tony, Brian Redband. See you guys. We're in Toronto, guys.

Check us out then. Thank you so much, live audience. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Girls used to diss me, got a white leather, cause they miss me I never thought it could happen, this rapping stuff I was too used to packing gats and stuff Now honeys play me close like butter play toast From the Mississippi down to the East Coast

Condos in Queens, in Doe for weeks Soul out seats to hear Biggie Smalls speak Living life without fear, putting five carats in my baby girl ear Lunches, brunches, interviews by the pool.