KILL TONY - KILL TONY #76

Episode Date: December 12, 2014

Sam Tripoli, Kirk Fox, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Scott Kidd, Brian Redban – Date: 10/27/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv, click on Tour Dates. You'll see that every Friday we're usually at the Ice House doing a comedy show or a live Thunder Pussy podcast. Check us out every Friday, Ice House, 10 o'clock. You can go to icehousecomedy.com for tickets, or just go to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. I also started this new show at the comedy store it's called the death squad secret show uh it's once sometimes twice a month uh our next one's december 17th in the past we've had mark maron joe rogan doug stano chris d'alia steve-o doug benson and many more. This one's a special one because all the money that we raise for this show

by donations and ticket sales are going to update the Belly Room, which is a room in the Comedy Store where we film and record Kill Tony. And the Ding Dong show is recorded there and Comedy Battle. Anyways, the sound system sucks, and they're not going to fix it, so we are just going to donate all the money from this show battle anyways the sound system sucks and they're not going to fix it so we are just going to donate all the money to from the show to fixing the sound in that room also check out death squad vegas january 23rd we're going to be in vegas details and tickets soon by the you could just get all these tickets and all the info by going to death squad.tv and clicking on tour dates also check out the death squad Death Squad store, ShopSquad.TV, for hoodies, T-shirts, hats, mugs, all the crap that we sell here at Death Squad just so we can pay the bills.

So please support us by going to ShopSquad.TV. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony and Clint! Oh, shit. Immediately no audio, guys. Fuck yeah. Sure.

Okie dokie. Fuck yeah. Always the best, guys. Only the best here at Kill Tony from the very first second. What's up, Monday night? Packed ass belly room. This is so much fun. It's getting out of control, Brian.

People are finding out about what used to be our own little secret. I know, and I can't wait to take it on the road in two weeks. Toronto. It's selling out. This will sell out. This is a huge place, too. Already hundreds of tickets sold. Toronto.

Yeah, that's right. Be stunned. You are at a show that has already sold hundreds of tickets in Toronto. What the fuck? You're at home base right now on a Monday night, and this is exciting. But Toronto is going to be crazy. Not only am I doing the roast of Ron Jeremy a couple days before Kill Tony, which is going to sell out,

but just added to the dais of the roast of Ron Jeremy, Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen. My first roast. He's going to pop his roast cherry. But most importantly, I get to make fun of Brian Redman for a minute or two in public, which is going to be great.

I didn't even think about that. No, I'm kidding. I'm just going to have, you know, seven top-notch ace jokes that will get applause breaks. It won't be that crazy. Now I have to try, actually. I have to do something, get some different kinds of weed, sit back, look at videos of you in slow motion. kinds of weed, sit back, look at videos of you in slow motion?

Well, no. The videos in slow motion, that's a whole different thing you're talking about. But you were close. I would say that the majority of great roast writing comes from a lot of weed smoking. Because you daydream for a second, then you come back, and it's like

a whole new thing again. Now that everybody knows how to write a roast joke, let's talk about tonight's show, shall we? First of all, I'm very excited about it. It's the return of two of our favorite guests ever, but we'll get to them in a second. First, I'd like to thank Elyse Lane, our one and only sponsor right over there, everybody. She cooked us some delicious food tonight. She's out of control with how good this food is. Did you see this? Unbelievable. What? Wow.

Holy moly. Put your hands together for this thing. Now, I used to read the, we've been doing this for a little while, and I used to read the recipe, but then I realized it's so much funnier if our buddy with the speech impediment, the runaround producer of this show, Josh Martin, everybody, has been saying it for the last few weeks.

Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus Christ. Did you just toss that box over there? It actually saved itself if you looked. It actually saved it inside the containers. It lost some cheese. Still edible, everybody. And it's going to be delicious.

And it was made from the lovely Elise Lane. She's on Twitter at Elise Lane, E-L-I-S-E-L-A-I-N. And, guys, now Josh Martin reads the recipe. And oftentimes it's very hard for him to read it. So what we decided to do a few weeks ago is if he stumbles or stutters on any word at any point, Brian gets to tap him in the balls. That's right. Are you guys ready

for this? Come on, Monday night. Are you ready to see if Josh Martin gets hit in the nuts? That's right. It's Josh Martin hit in the nut time, everybody. Now, the name of the game is simple. Elise Lane made us an amazing meal. She is a gourmet time, everybody. Now, the name of the game is simple. Elyse Lane made us an amazing meal. She is a gourmet chef, everybody.

Sometimes the things she makes are really hard to enunciate and pronounce. Now, I used to give Josh the piece of paper right away when I first started this, and then he'd get time to look at it and actually see it, decipher the words, and come up with a bit of a plan. So this week, I'm not going to hand him this until the very last second. Are you guys ready for this or what? Now, again, if he misses a word, he gets bonked in the balls, which we've actually found out in the last couple weeks that he seems to actually enjoy.

Yes. So here you go. Start reading. It's in French. Start reading. Here you go. Start reading. It's in French.

Start reading. Je t'ai pris. Merci de vous plaire. Un film je ne comprends pas. Quel temps fait-il? Wow, he nailed it. There you go. It turns out Josh speaks complete French.

And then it says, Just kidding. Fuck you, Josh, on the other side of the page. Oh. What does it say underneath that? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,, fuck you, Josh, on the other side of the page. Oh, what does it say underneath that? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, stop looking at it. All right.

Okay. Why do you, wait a second, hold on a second. When did this turn into he gets Charlie horse the whole time? What is this? I'm just getting it just close enough. And I think you're over swinging. If you hit him like that... I did a droopy arm.

There you go. Trust me, I got this. You won't be hitting any balls today. Oh, shit. Listen to that confidence. If you fuck up now, you deserve it. All right, go. Just kidding.

Fuck you, Josh. Garlic fly bread with Italian sausage crumbles, butternut squash ribbons. Yes. And that was this week in Josh Martin's Skipping a Word. Thigh truffle honey and Maldon sea salt. Very good. Wow.

It makes it so much better when you talk shit right before. There's no way I'm getting this one wrong, guys. I believe that was an exact quote. I can't believe the joke, actually. He read it fine, but not the real one. Yeah, he read it perfectly in French. Josh, you should just speak French. He speaks perfect fucking French, the kid.

Horrible English. That's hilarious. Born and raised in America. By the way, again, that was a delicious meal made for us by our one and only sponsor, Elise Lane, sitting right over there. That's E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N. She is on Twitter under that name. She's on Facebook and Instagram at thegirlwithapan. Guys, that's not even the whole show.

Can you believe that? I know. You see Josh stumble on a word, and you're like, how do they you believe that? I know. You see, Josh, stumble on a word and you're like, how do they even follow that? We haven't even started yet. Every week on this show, we have a brand new head of security to keep us safe. For many episodes, it was a guy named the

Iron Patriot. He screwed us over, left the show. He said he's too big for the show. Started showing up on TV sets saying, you don't know who I am. Let me on the lot. And now makes scary videos of all of us like he's going to murder us. Very scary. So don't go to his YouTube page for evidence. I mean, now that you know

about it, many listeners, I'm sure that you will. It's creepy as fuck. It's definitely creepy. What he did was he took songs that he made when he was in a band 30 years ago and went through every picture that's ever been put out of us on the internet.

And photos I've never even put out. I don't know how he got these photos. I'm in the same boat as you on this one. Anyway, it's just a photo album of photos that come up during the song, like me over all the years. There's some pictures of me, I'm like seven in it. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. No clothes either. If you ever find out that we're killed or missing, it's because a guy that looks like this. That's what we're looking for. Since he left us every week since then to show him

because he said, you'll never be able to replace me was one of his lines. To show him exactly how replaceable he is every single week since he left us, we've been replacing him with a different person each week. Yeah. We bought a suit off Amazon Prime.

It was like 25 bucks compared to this guy who we had before who had a $5,000 suit. Maybe it was 3,000. I think it was like 4,000. Anyway. It was actually $75 on the Amazon Prime. $75? All this stuff?

Well, with the speaker box. Because the original Iron Patriot had a speaker box. For some reason, it came out of his crotch. So we always have that farthest mic lowered because we wanted to keep that one tradition alive. It's the one thing that really stuck other than the suit was the crotch speaker.

Put your hands together for this week's head of security. Rising young comedy talent. This is his second or third time being the Patriot because we love him so much. It's Scott Kidd, Patriot, everybody. There he is. He's got swag. Let a guy be the patriot a few times, he gets a lot of confidence, huh?

Look at that entrance. I like your style. How's it going, Scott Kidd? Pretty good. I got the voice box sticking in order. It's not all running around my nuts like last time. Oh, I don't remember last time. Did you just put it in your underwear?

That would have been a better idea. That's what a lot of patriots have been doing lately, is just putting it in their underwear. Because we're all comics, we can share. I'm glad I rubbed it on my face earlier. Jesus, Scott, you're on fire already. Really good. No, I have a Velcro belt from back when I was a medic,

and I just stuck one Velcro to the other. Ta-da! Holy shit. There you go. You're wondering, what kind of comedian can we get to dress up like that? That kind of comedian, guys. That's right. I've noticed a lot of comics use Velcro.

For what? I don't know. Just a lot of people around here, we talk about Velcro more than normal. Interesting. Have you noticed that? Even you we talk about Velcro more than normal. Have you noticed that? Even you were talking about Velcro last week. Yeah, because I was talking about the Velcro for that. It's been popping up in my life a lot,

but only because we've had problems with the speaker box on the Patriot belt the last few weeks. That's just the world I live in, people. That's Tony Hinchcliffe problems right there. I need, what's it fucking called? Velcro for the Patreon. Scott, thank you for joining us. You excited about tonight's

guest? Of course. Awesome. Let's get into that, shall we? Tonight is a really, really special panel because this is actually episode 75 of Kill Tony that you're at, ladies and gentlemen. That's the official number. And

and what the fuck was I saying? Oh, yeah. that you're at, ladies and gentlemen. That's the official number. And... And... What the fuck was I saying? Oh, yeah. Very rarely have I had... Because I have so many comedian friends, very rarely have we had repeat guests, but these two guys are literally two all-stars at this show, and I'm so excited to have them both at the

same time. Extreme repeat guests. I believe this is both of their third or fourth time. But fan favorite. Everyone loves these guys. Everyone loves these guys. And you're going to love them too. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for

Sam Tripoli and Kirk Fox. There they are. Welcome, gentlemen. Welcome back to the slaughterhouse. Good to be back in the saddle. That's right. What's been happening? Just living and loving, sinning and winning, brother.

Trying to be a goddamn champion. Sinning and winning? We're sinning and winning, making bad decisions, getting paid well to do it. Mostly sinning? A lot of sinning. The sin keeps my teeth white. You know what I'm saying? That's what you enjoy.

It's like the weird shit. I like my vices. All my hobbies are felonies. Anybody else got that? That's who I am, dude. That's what I enjoy. Now, Sam, I'm part of your podcast, Fantasy Football League. You do a great sports podcast called Punch Drunk with Ari Shafir and Jason Tebow.

Yep. And I'm currently in your Fantasy Football League. Yes, you are. You guys were nice enough to let me join. Are you a player? Regret it. A team? What are you?

The Hinchcliffe winners is a team. Yes. Would you like to tell these people what I'm doing in your league right now? Well, you are somehow miraculously scoring the least amount of points yet having the most wins. The most wins. Who clapped for that? I'm 6-1, everybody. 6-1 in fantasy football.

6-1. The name of my team, just to let you know my angle to fuck with people, is the Hinchcliffe Winners. So when I beat these guys, it's fucking awesome. Drives them crazy. Well, you mean just fucking painful. But something just happened recently on your podcast. What I love about it, my favorite thing is this thing you guys do called Bag of Bats. Yes, Bag of Bats.

Can you tell us what just happened and why you just cringed when I said that? Well, recently? Recently or recently? Okay. Well, we do a bag of bets it's like sports and guys the whole point behind the whole premise behind punch drunk is you know comics love talking shit about sports and they all think they're experts even though they've never really played professionally so uh we just got together and we argue really bad then if you if you have a really strong argument you want to lay it on the line you do a bag of bets and we've done some crazy shit we did uh i lost a bet to ari bowling i had to watch two hours of uh gay pornography um on boner pills and ecstasy that's a true story and it's like clockwork orange style like you had

to look at the tv because i had fucking Tebow sitting there grilling me. Now, did you try to cross your eyes or blur your eyes on purpose? You had to watch two hours? Two hours. They only wanted you to watch one, correct? But I just tried to build up a little credit in case I had to do it again. But no, so yeah, I had to do it. And I sat there and Tebow sat there and it was

really a bad a horrible thing because the fans could call in and request what kind of porn i got to watch and it was fucking horrible because everyone would be like copulation for copulation porn now when other people do it they did a full porno and they got story and plot that they could buy a little time with. We just went to the greatest hits of the worst hits. You know what I'm saying? Was there one guy you kept seeing in a lot of videos?

No, that was the weird thing. It's like in porn, like straight porn, you see the same I do a joke about it. You see the same chicks over and over again. You start feeling like you're dating. You ever done that? You're like, I got to fuck other people. She's wearing her hair differently. Yeah, right?

It's like it's the same people. Gay porn, it's like this dude's first and last show. You know what I'm saying? It's like it's weird. Well, no, it's because you've only watched two hours of gay porn and you've watched 100,000 hours of regular porn. We don't know that for sure. Yeah, but even if you went to like

any compilation of porn, you would see the same chick on Overget. What I find strangest about this story that I never knew before was that Jason Tebow was in the room with you while you were watching gay porn. It was in the studio. We did it. Oh, wow. It wasn't at my house. I wasn't jerking

off and he was spotting me. What are you talking about? Oh, I see. So you were watching it in the studio for two hours? Did you guys make a show out of it? Yeah. That's great. There's actually an episode of it.

Now, did Tebow unbutton his shirt like he usually does and just hang out there? Yeah, exactly. Was Tebow watching it too? No, he didn't. He was far on the side of the screen. He just sat there in karate stance in case something flew out. So you were looking at porn and him at the same time. So it was almost like he was in the porn.

Yeah, I mean, if it got there, I guess it could go there. You know what I'm saying? It was weird. We've done different stuff. Like Ari had to wear a diaper the whole time for a whole day. He couldn't take it off. If he shit his pants, he had to stay in it. Are you serious?

Ari lost a bet to Nick Yusuf, and he had to wear Yusuf's jizz socks for 24 hours. Yeah, and they were bad, too. I was there for that exchange. But what I don't understand is that, oh, well, we got a great one with your production your uh production assistant josh oh yeah what's this one if i finish in the here's the back he wants to get in the comedy store main room fantasy league and he was there when we were drafting he would convince me that i had the worst team ever and if i finish in the bottom two, I got kicked out of the league. He took my

spot. But if I finish out of the top two, he has to wash his face with Punch Drunk's jizz rag. Which we all get to bust one off, and he gets one swoosh of the water under. There seems to be a real...

There's a real gay theme. I know, right? That seems to be the most torturous shit. Unless someone's gay. It's weird. Then those are victories. It's super easy. Then they're just...

It's like, you gotta watch two hours of porn and wear jizz socks. Where do I sign up? It's completely like that. That's why you need more gay listeners. If the gay mafia's here, please check out punchstrungsports.com. I love that. That's why we need more gay listeners. If the gay mafia is here, please check out punchdrunk sports.com. I love that. That's great. Normally our Patriot has a question for our guests.

What do you got for us tonight, Scott? Well, my first question is for Kirk. Yes, go ahead. Trust yourself. Just believe in it and stand tall. Go ahead. You're slouching. I got a bum knee.

Never mind. Was that your question? No, no. I saw that you're from San Diego. Yes, I am. Good start. I know some of your filmography. I'm the Patriot, but you were in The Patriot with Mel Gibson. Good point. Wrap it up.

And also Parks and Recreation, of course. But my question for you is, Kirk, where do you shop for pants? I don't shop for them. They usually just end up somehow in my closet. I've never bought a pair of pants. Wait a second. Do guys leave them over?

What the fuck? Guys, girls, I can fit into just about anything. But I'm just telling you I don't shop But I have a lot of pants Are you just mugging tall people And stealing their pants They just end up

These pants, I do not know where they came from Are those the pants you wore in Tombstone These may be from Wyatt Earp So I got a lot of shit From the prop department. Wonderful. Was that the answer you needed? I guess so. I'm looking for pants.

Come to my place. You've got to watch two hours of porn, then you're leaving pants. You don't have any rags by any chance. You're going to. If you leave in these pants, you will. Does it upset you you have to shop? They put big and tall. First of all, nothing upsets me.

Really? Yeah. Nothing upsets you? I'm at peace. Nothing. Okay. But don't shop your question. This does not upset you? No, it just sucks because you're a tall guy and you've got to shop where fat fucks shop. Is that upsetting to you? No, but I told you

I don't really shop. Ever. I don't think I've ever really bought anything. Where do you mean that? That's the same thing with your pants happens with your shirt? And your glasses?

Yeah. These I got from doing the test. They just give me shit. I'm not going to go out and buy stuff when it seems to appear magically. God, you are like a real life superhero.

Yeah. Listen, I worked hard to get where I'm not. Are they running your show in like third world countries right now? Eventually. The test. We're starting fourth world countries. Yeah.

And we'll work up to the third. Nice. I love it. We're in Uganda right now. Oh, that's a good place to be. You're in a boa. Yeah. Patriot, what's your question for

Sam? Well, Sam, I know you have the naughty show, and Tony already mentioned punch drunk sports, but I was wondering what's your favorite cup size for fake tits? Whichever's in my hand at that

point, pretty much. I always like to go. I have a Victoria's Secret near my house, so sometimes I'll hang out by the 34 Double D's. I'll just hang out and see mystical beasts come by and just check out unicorns, but that's about it. I don't know. I'm more of a face and ass guy.

I could care less, really, about tits. What about fake asses? I like fat, sloppy asses. You do? I do, dude. I like big, fat... Why. You do? I do. I like big, fat... Why do you think that is? How is your mom built?

You know what? That's a great question. I'm just talking psychology. My mom's tiny. I just grew up... I think you're attracted to women who are from your... Like, your look of your area in a weird way.

You might like it kind of cleaned up, but I just grew up around fat chicks, man. I mean, I don't like out of shape, man, but I like, I mean, like, dude, all day, every day, World Star Hip Hop shit. What city was that? Is there just a fat city?

Yeah, it's just upstate New York, and it's just fat fucks. Waterton. They're either super fat or super skinny from doing meth. There's no in fucking between. It's one or the other, man. I just grew up, you know, I was thinking,

this is not even about fat chicks. I was thinking the other day, I have been eating ass since 1985. Wow. I did the math. I ate ass in first grade. This little French Canadian girl lived down the street.

We were both fucking shady. And I just, I was like Christopher Columbus of ass eating. I went exploring. I got lost. Found paradise. You know what I'm saying?

I fucking love that. That's a true story, man. 85. I was one year old and you were eating ass. Of course it's true. That's not a story you make up. Yeah. Who brags about that? How old were you? I was in year old and you were eating ass. Of course it's true. That's not a story you make up. Yeah.

Who brags about that? How old were you? I was in first grade. First grade you were eating ass? That's the goddass truth. Did you think you were supposed to? You know, it's just like, it's just like, did someone say, hey, if you're with a girl, eat ass.

You know what I'm saying? It's like, do you teach a lion to hunt? You just, You just do what comes naturally. Oh, yeah. Sam, that's really young to be that sexually active. That usually comes from being molested. Who molested you in your family? I would tell you if there was. I wish somebody had molested me.

What are you talking about? He's the molester. He's eating six-year-old ass. No, no, no. The girls down the street were the real molester. They were very active. They probably had some shit go down. Well, of course, once word got girls down the street were the real molesters. They were very active. They probably had some shit go down. Of course, once word got out in the girls' restroom, little Sam Tripoli's eating ass down the street. Of course they're going to come to the school.

They stopped wiping at his school. I loved it. I'm just a champion. I love that. Have you continued to this day? It is one of my thrills. You're probably really good at it. It is one of my thrills. I just love it. You're probably really good at it.

Ass is on Sam's food pyramid. I can't use that. It's just underneath grains. That's in my food period, my food groups. There's five major food groups in his life. Beets, big ass. Not even in that order. I was just in San Diego doing La Jolla. that order I was just in San Diego

Doing La Jolla And I just San Diego No but They don't like even Talking about ass eating I would be crushing And then I just

Drop Just start being honest On stage And here's what I learned About comedy People want you to get honest Until you start getting honest That's what they want

What people really want Is you to talk about shit We all already agree upon That's what we like That's what But once you start people really want is you to talk about shit we all already agree upon. That's what we like. But once you start talking about how you've been eating ass since 85, everyone gets weird the fuck out. Well, La Jolla's a country club town. But it's like it's rich people.

It's like rich people, they get bored, they got money, and they pay poor people to eat their ass. That's what it is. It's interesting. Did you lose a lot of your act? they pay poor people to eat their ass. That's what it is. That's what it is. That's interesting. Interesting theory. Did you lose a lot of your act?

No, dude. Did you cut out 20 minutes of ass eating? I do me the whole time. You can either enjoy it or you can just be like, fuck, we spent 25 bucks on this. I just do me. I'm not going to change it. I know I'm crushing. If you were flexible enough to eat your own ass, would you do it? No.

That's one thing. Do you love eating ass you were flexible enough to eat your own ass, would you do it? Do you love eating ass that much to where you'd eat your own ass? I don't like getting my ass eaten just because I'm Armenian and there's shrubbery. You know what I'm saying? I just would never want a girl to do that. But see, girls don't just let you just eat their ass. They'll usually run to the bathroom,

do that NASCAR power wash real quick and get the fuck out. And then you're working with... You're going to find a special girl soon. The beauty is there's lots of special girls. That's the beauty. You're going to find one. A girl who's just bent over spreading her cheeks.

What's wrong with that? You guys don't like that? I'm an asshole? Do you like it a little bit more dirty than normal? Because I believe in America? I'm a dick? Do you like it a little bit more dirty? Are you craving I believe in America. I'm a dick. Do you like it a little bit more dirty? Are you craving homeless all the time? Oh, God. All right, guys.

This is the part where we start the show. Are you craving homeless all the time? Now that we've met our awesome guests, let's get the thing started. You guys know what it is. Craving homeless all the time. Comedians go from doing a minute to material to being guests. It's funny how he could take that just a little

too far. Yeah. Like Sam's focused on eating ass. It's like, why don't you bring the homeless in it? Yeah, I'm sorry

for being honest. This isn't funny anymore. Oh, fuck. This is the Bill Hicks of ass eating over here. Jesus. You? No, him.

Oh, him. Go for it. Guys. Let's wrap it up. Can I get my dates, by the way? When do we do dates? At the end. You want to do it now?

Go ahead. Yeah. Well, no. I got to figure out my dates. Some of the eating ass in Sacramento. It's so true. So true. So true.

Comedians, you know how it works. If I'm blessed. You get 60 seconds on stage. You know that 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That's what it sounds like. You got to wrap it up then. This is Hollywood. Or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

That bear gets hit by a train? I had to kill it. All right. Trolley stop? That's what's going to happen. So please don't run the kitty sound. Get off then. So you guys know how it works. They go from being comedians to guests on a podcast when the sound of a kitty happens.

Are you guys ready to do this? This is Kill Tony, episode 75, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of, oh, we know her well. This is Sarah Kenny, everybody. Bottom to the top. Yeah, my mama, she told me, don't worry about yourself. Hey, did you guys know that in early humans, when people wanted to mate with each other,

their genitals would start growling? Similar to the way your stomach growls when you're hungry. So, like, if a guy walked by that I wanted to mate with, mine would be like... You know, and then if he was into it, mine would be like... And then if he was into it, his would be like... But that trait died out really quickly because growling genitals are a huge turn-off.

And they didn't make people want to procreate with each other. So thank you, natural selection, for that one. A lot of people like to say that dog is man's best friend but I don't think that man is dog's best friend because I think dog's best friend is probably someone that doesn't cut his balls off and put him in a cage

if I had to guess like maybe a squirrel maybe a squirrel is dog's best friend because I don't think they would do that they don't really have the resources. Actually. Fuck yeah, there you go. Is that a minute? That's nice.

Is that true? About the growling? No. Although apparently it's pretty believable. Oh my god. Is that true? I didn't know. Maybe that was some kind of... What's that one bone that we don't know what it's for? It's appendix or whatever.

It was our tail. Oh, my God. What was our tail? The tail thing. So you think the genitals just used to talk and then eventually realized they didn't need to. It's like someone's going to grab us whether we speak or not.

You know what you never see? You never see chicks doing great sound effects do you you never seen like the pablo francisco with a vajayjay or anything like that that'd be great she just died they want you'd be like oh my god that girl can make sounds you know i'm saying i like i think that'd be cool like your your sound effects were really horrible and but it was i guess the premise is funny but i think if you just went crazier with it... It was my first time trying to do something

like that kind of sound effect thing, so yeah, maybe I need to commit to it a little bit more. I mean, there is hope for that joke, but I gotta tell you, when a joke starts off with something that is obviously not true... Well, everybody but Red Band knows is obviously not true?

Well, everybody but Red Band knows it's not true. Yeah. If that's your target audience, then you got a hit. It totally threw me off because you said it like it was. It's called selling the bit, man. He's not the first person to ask me that. Really?

Yeah. There's people like that But I think the way to set it is If you said imagine if your genitals Could speak Like make it clear that it's fictional Just make it clear that you know that genitals Have never spoken

Because once you say You know genitals used to speak Everyone here except Red Band knows that dicks don't talk. They mumble. They mumble. Kurt, before language, what if the woman didn't know how to communicate that she wanted to have sex? So she made like sucking in air noises. You know, they used to make clicking noises.

Sucking in air noises. Yeah, that's called tippy hat-ish. I was an anthropology major. Let's not get into this right now. I don't want to make you look any worse. I think Red Band's got a point here. I think Red Band's got a point. What if back before, when they were cave women,

what if they got horny and they didn't realize how to use their mouths yet, but instead they queefed constantly? They don't realize how to use their mouths yet, but instead they queefed constantly? They don't know how to use their mouths yet, but somehow they got magical snatch. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. Yeah. Nicola.

If an ass could talk, you'd come running. I'd be like, Marco! Where are you? They actually probably did queef more because they were always squatting, building pots and stuff on rocks. Oh, my God. They weren't building pots. Red Band, you're like the guy that built the Dinosaur Christian Museum to try to make everything work. Yes, this is how it worked. Dinosaurs and Jesus were hanging out.

We don't know for certain it didn't happen. Okay, you two should talk after the show, yeah. I'm just saying that that joke might work if you set it up where it's a little more. You could be like, there's animals that use sounds, mating calls. What if we did that, but with our genitals? And then you just started doing your wide range of fucking speaking spell sound effects with your pussy.

We'll go with you on that if you set it up that it's a hypothetical. Where do you think, why do you think you want to talk about something like that? If that's a made up thing that you made up with your imagination, then what part of you,

where do you think that comes from? What in your life? that you made up with your imagination, then what part of you, where do you think that comes from? What in your life? Well, I was thinking of a situation where my stomach had been growling really loudly, and I thought, oh, that's embarrassing. Everybody around me can hear this. And then I thought, what if it was indicating something else

that I definitely didn't want people to know? Maybe she just likes musical porn. That's how you should word it. Yeah, yeah. If I think the other way where you just set the hypothetical. That's all. That's how you should word it. You know? Yeah. Yeah. If I think the other way where you just set up the hypothetical, it's funnier. And then the dog thing, it's like, you got to do a dog's best friend joke. You got to go somewhere no one's ever gone before. Big time.

Like, that is, I mean, like, it's just been done. Yeah. And you just got to go weird with that shit. Yeah. Like, dog's best friend is someone that would eat his asshole. Yeah. And you just got to go weird with that shit. Yeah. Like, Dog's best friend is someone that would eat his asshole. Yeah. Sam? What if that's her big bit that gets her on the Tonight Show?

Yeah. Everybody knows every Tonight Show. I'm just saying it's done. Yeah, it's definitely accepted. I mean, the fun thing is when someone takes a premise that's been done and just spins it completely. You're like, holy fuck, that's a brand new take on that. That's funny.

And it's a great premise if you've got something different with it. Can you whistle to your dog with your vagina? Okie dokie. Wow. Just going for it tonight, I guess. Sarah, thank you so much. That was fun. Nice to meet you.

She's on Twitter at S. Kenny Comedy so you can follow her there and when your stomach growls just give it a little food you'll be okay yeah stop starving yourself you're pretty

yeah I wonder I don't know that's an interesting one stomach growling's crazy I find that women in this town are trying to look like gay boys. Anybody else knows that?

What do you mean by that? Women in this town want Tony Hinchcliffe's fucking physique. Every girl does that. Damn right. And most have it. A lot of the guys want this physique too. Yeah.

Did you hear that? That was a real chick, I think. No, that was her... Maybe that was her vagina. Hell yeah. Look, that blonde girl right there, who's as skinny as you are, you two fucked and start fire.

Just two sticks. Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Scrawny knows scrawny. We would not make a fire. You would need two of you to ride a roller coaster so when the hook comes down, there's enough of you.

Oh, Jesus. Wait, wait, wait. You have all these skinny jokes? Is that what you're doing when you're getting second helpings of meatloaf? You son of a bitch. Put your hands together for your next comedian. He goes by the name of Tam Pham. Face.

Twist and shot. My way out. By round of applause, who here looks at me and does not assume that I'm a terrible driver? Okay, good. So now we know where the liars are. If you're not lying, thank you. And for the rest of you racists, you're completely right. I'm a fucking death machine. If you ever see my car, the murder mobile,

you're going to want to stay out of the way. It's a blue Hyundai Accent, which I learned a little too late is not the kind of accent that women are attracted to. By the way, my mom is an even worse driver than I am. She can't really help it. My mom is this terrifying combination of Asian, old, female, nearsighted, immigrant. She's basically the Captain Planet of moving violations. Amazing. Thank you.

Tam Pham. Wow. Thunder and lightning. Yes. Holy shit. I like your style, Tam. You're a cool dude. Thank you.

You were on a couple weeks ago, right? Yeah. You crushed then, didn't you? Do you. You were on a couple weeks ago, right? Yeah. You crushed then, didn't you? Do you have to stand like that because your dad made you? Like every Asian stands like that. Like, more green tea, more green tea, sir. It is very proper. You have great posture.

That was a nice joke. I had other things I wanted to say. You have great posture. You do have good posture, but are you nervous? A little bit. Okay, now I got to tell you something as a friend, and I'm not just saying this because I like your shirt. Your material is so good that you don't need to be nervous.

You got to trust what you have. So when you come up here, take a breath and enjoy the moment because you know that your material works. Yeah, it was very well written, man. It was very funny, very quick. You know, it's easy when you go... And you can even slow it down a little. The opposite of the way you change lanes.

That's great. Not all Asians are shitty drivers, actually. Most are. I saw one the other day do like four lanes and hit nothing. Just like, fuck you. Four lanes. I was like, that guy's unbelievable. What kind of Asian are you? I'm Vietnamese. Vietnamese. I like, fuck it. Four lanes. I was like, that guy's unbelievable. What kind of Asian are you?

I'm Vietnamese. Vietnamese. I was just in China. Dead serious. No car crashes. None. You'd think it would just be demolition. Well, because they're all connected.

All their bumpers are already connected. So there's no more accidents. What is this? Human centipede of driving? Is that what you're talking about? No, I think it's just he's such a great driver that we fuck you up. We're just below your ninja skills of driving.

It's like playing basketball with Magic Johnson. His passes are so good, but we can't catch it. That's what it is. Asians are such great drivers, white people fuck them up. That's what it is. Asians are such great drivers, white people fuck them up. That's what it is. Magic Johnson is a great passive of everything but HIV tests.

Hey! He's the pony boy. Writer's guilt. Tam fam. Do you come up here every time and do Asian jokes? Be honest. Every time you've done this. The first time I didn't. I'd like to see you do

non-Asian jokes too because I think you crushed but I think that's easy. I think that was well written, funny Asian material. That's very good stuff. I would like to see how you do not doing Asian material. Do some black material. Yeah, do black.

I just think it's easy. Just mix it up. Tam Fam, what scares you? What scares me? Women. Blinkers. Really?

Why do women scare you? What about women scares you? You're on fire, Kirk. It's really everybody, men and women. Men and women? Yeah, women are the ones I care about.

What are you, insecure Rob Lowe? What is this? I'm the ones I care about. What are you, insecure Rob Lowe? What is this? I'm not sure I understand that reference. No one does. You don't have to be from Vietnam to not get a lot of that. What makes you nervous about girls?

I'm just not good with people, period. Girls are the ones whose opinions I care about. So let me tell you something. So this is what you should talk about also. Yep. How, you know, you don't know what you are. But what you do know is that you don't like people. See how funny that was?

You're almost like pink in the brain almost. You're just like this guy on world domination. You know, the truth is you'd like to sit in your seat and have the room turn around toward you. See how confusing that was? Damn. This is like giving away Jedi secrets. It's like the test world tour we're going on right now. By the end of this show, everybody in the room is going to know how to do stand-up and I like that.

Well, but just trust you're enough and then you'll find out what you like. Yeah, dude, just... But start off by liking yourself first. Yeah, dude,

might as well like yourself. Yeah, you're already wearing your own T-shirt. Yeah, dude. Is that even yours? Yeah, I found it at a Goodwill.

It's a weird coincidence. That's a good start. How many of those do you have? Just the one That's all you need You're funny dude You need to start accepting that Have you been doing a lot of spots other places? Now if I remember correctly

You worked the same job for a long time You saved up and you just quit a couple months ago And have just been doing stand up right? Right yeah I get up three or four times a week. Hustle more. When I was here, dude, when I first moved

here, I was hustling every night. I was getting up in LA three times a night, and that's not an exaggeration. I would run fucking everywhere. He'd stop eating ash to go do comedy. That's how important comedy was to a young Sam

with this crowd. But you should, now do you, you have a car, I'm assuming? Yeah. Okay. So you have a car.

You should be running everywhere. You should be trying to get up anywhere. Go, go. Ha Ha Cafe every day. Ha Ha. Go fucking beyond Pico,

dude. Don't be afraid, dude. Go over there. There's not a lot of Asians that dude. Don't be afraid, dude. Go over there. There's not a lot of Asians that way. You go that way, dude, there's a bunch of comedy clubs. Just go over there and try to get up as much as you can because you're really funny.

But when you can't get up, talk to your friends. Just start talking to people because I know you don't. Yeah. You know? You're right. You'll be amazed at what you'll learn. You'll say something to someone, and they'll smile, and then you say that to 50 people, and at least 30 will laugh.

You should strike out with three people a day. Your job should be the... Call me tomorrow, and we'll just talk for a minute. Yeah. You're amazing. And I'll tell you where I'll be driving, and don't go anywhere near me. Tam Pham, everybody. I think Kurt Bosco is a trusty sidekick.

Great. I think you have a trusty sidekick. I like him. He's my Kato. He's amazing. He's my Kato in the Pink Panther. He'll come out of my fucking closet when I get home. Is he the guy that buys all your pants?

He might be. Or hopefully he'll be able to sew a few. He makes them. That's right. Tam Pham. Not the first time a Vietnamese guy is killed in a room of a bunch of Americans. That's true. See what I did there?

What's amazing is he's been gone for 20 minutes. Yeah. He's back there behind the bushes. No, he's gone. He dug his way out. We know this guy. I see you laughing. He's a USC brain surgery student who's been on a few times for neurosurgery to comedy.

Here he is, Ori and Mira. Hey. So I like using women for relationships. See, when I meet a girl I like, I pretend I'm like this chauvinist asshole who only wants to sleep with her. But then, after we have sex,

and I have her where I want her, I'm like giving her a massage, and I have her where I want her, I'm giving her a massage and I'm treating her very nicely. And before she knows it, bam, she's in a relationship. Oh yeah, you love me? Oh yeah, you love me? Well, I love you too. Last time I did that, I scored a five-year relationship.

Are you... What? Wow. You just accidentally killed. That's what just happened. It's the faces. The faces? Making faces. I don't know. I like your style.

Is he a brain surgeon? No, you're a brain patient. I've participated in many of my own experiments. You had the vibe of Dane Cook with Down syndrome. Has anyone ever told you that? You're like, if he fucking... His mom drank during the pregnancy. That's the vibe.

I'm kidding. I'm sorry. No, you're funny, dude. That's the vibe I'm getting. I'm sorry. No, you're funny, dude. It's just weird shit. It's intentionally weird, yeah. Well, let me tell you something. I like you a lot. And the reason is because you believe in what you're selling.

And it's shit. But, no, but what I'm saying. and it's shit but but no but what I'm saying but you believe in it so much that you're selling it and these people are eating that shit right up but that's America

I could see it getting big I could see it getting big I could really see when you master it. Israel? Yeah. I could see it getting big. I could really see, when you master it, it getting really big. No, do not master it. No. Keep it right there. Do not fucking change what you're doing. The fact that none of the words connect and, like...

No, and it appears like you're hearing them for the first time. It's fucking... It's amazing. It makes sense if you think about it, but... No, it doesn't, but that's what's amazing. If it made sense, we wouldn't be laughing. He's staring at you like he's in love. He should be.

Do me a favor and just walk away now. Don't overthink anything we've said, but just continue exactly what you're doing. That's it. Just go. There you go. Ori Amir. Go.

Goodbye. Amazing. Don't change anything. You're very funny. I'm going to fucking write a sitcom for you and the Vietnamese assassin. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a show.

That's a YouTube show. No shit.'s a show. That's a YouTube show. YouTube. That's fucking NBC. Israeli, Vietnamese, crushing pussy. This Thursday on NBC, it's Ori and Tam Fam. What happens when the Vietnamese shy guy meets the... I don't know anything he said, but it was so interesting. Don't tell me what he said.

Anybody know what he's talking about? You know, he had a relationship because... I had a relationship with his father. And then you go, I love you. And then she's like, I love you. I just was waiting for him to go, wild and crazy guys. And then five years later,

she's still with me. Yes, she is. Why would she leave a fucking money maker? Was he raping? We're going to get in a car accident at some point in the next two years. He was in one on the way here. And he's going to be the last thing that we see before we go under anesthesia. You shouldn't have. If he is the last thing I see, I'm going out happy.

I love you. Fucking ass. And then you're just like, whoa. What's great is you will never see anyone imitate him. You don't have to worry about people stealing your jokes, bro. You're good to go. When you don't have jokes, it's a good thing that they can't steal. The punchlines are at the beginning, and then he's...

Was he raping a girl? Fucking. He was loving a girl. He's like, I didn't put her down on the bed and then I put my peanuts in her and she loved me. And I was like, what the fuck? No, dude, he wasn't dirty like you. He was clean.

He made love. He was a translator. Can you translate what he said? Don't. I don't want to fucking know. Don't ruin this. Fuck you. That's a brain surgeon.

He got into our heads and fucking took out our cerebellum. He really did. That's science right there. Fuck yeah. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Who knows what can possibly happen next? Oh, this is a former employee of the Comedy Store, which is a very tough position to get.

It's even harder to lose. And very coveted as well. Very, very coveted. Former. A lot of the greats have worked here. David Letterman, Jim Carrey, Sam Kinison. I used to work here. I used to work here. I've never worked anywhere. I used to work the door.

Back when I got picked up, Mitzi picked up a whole bunch of us. She's like, you're going to be a regular, but you got to work the door. So I would actually work the back room, have my t-shirt on. And I used to love to go up on stage in my employee t-shirt

and just flame throw the room and then bring somebody up and just watch them eat a dog stick on stage. It just was like such an empowering thing. It really is. It's like wearing a Yankees jersey and hitting a home run. And somehow he just got fired a couple weeks ago. Put your hands together for him.

It's Carlos De Jesus. De Jesus. Carlos De Jesus. Hi. So I used to breakdance. Yeah, that was a thing I did. I was legit, too. I had a crew and everything.

It consisted of me, a black and Filipino dude from Long Beach, a tall Filipino, a short Filipino, a white guy who would wear a do-rag because he thought it'd bring him waves, and, like, four other Filipinos. That was my crew. Like every time we walked into a club, it looked like we just, like the kitchen staff of a Chinese restaurant just got off shift. That's pretty much what it looked like. All right. That's cool. That's cool that was pretty good I lost to a 12 year old once though that was embarrassing

I had a lot of Asian friends and then I just stopped breakdancing because of that fucking 12 year old kid fuck that kid he ruined my life guys I could have been

a professional this is going worse than his Jesus fucking Christ alright I'm done what do you mean by worse than his Ori Jesus fucking Christ. All right. I'm done. Well, I mean, what do you mean by worse than his? Ori Amir destroyed him here.

I mean... You got buried by an Israeli, bro. Why did you say all the sizes for it? Why did you say all the sizes for it, but then it had nothing to do with anything? Yeah. I don't know. I know we're not... That's pretty much what the crew consisted of.

That was pretty much it. You could cut all that out, right? But it doesn't mean anything. Yeah, it doesn't mean anything. You're right. You could just... You want to go first? No, go ahead.

You could just be like, dude, I was on a Filipino breakdancing group. Boom. You've just stated everything you need to know. Right. What's funny about you being in a Filipino dance crew? Well, I figured because the fact that I guess the punchline was. State it in a line.

One line. What is funny about you being in a Filipino dance crew? That we look like a Chinese food kitchen staff that just got off shift. There you go. That was your biggest laugh of the whole thing. Yeah. You got there in two lines. Okay.

Okay. I see what you're saying. And also this. When a joke doesn't work It's done Right You held on to that And you tanked your next three jokes

Because you were still pissed That the first one didn't get a laugh Dude And if you're in that moment And your first joke doesn't get a laugh Pretend it's the setup Alright Yeah

Just move on They don't know that they're not supposed to laugh They only know that because you're like Oh, that sucked They don't know that they're not supposed to laugh. They only know that because you're like, oh, that sucked. They didn't know the joke was fucking over. Okay. Okay. So why tip it?

Just keep going. Plow through this shit. Yeah. It's true. Killing an audience is a trait that is just as important as bombing eloquently. Yeah. And when you can bomb and have people be like, wow, I like that guy. So your first 20 seconds could have just been a setup or a hello. Right.

Just because they didn't laugh, but you tanked the next, you know. Yeah, man. Your next three jokes, you were still bitching about the first one. You can't get fired twice. That's the best part. You know what I'm saying? They're not going to fire you twice. You're done, dude. Now you're just playing with house money at this point.

Right. You should just have fun. I felt you felt pressure. Why were there so many Filipinos around you? Where were you raised? I was in Colorado Springs at the time. And why wasn't it a Filipino restaurant? It was... I mean, you say all these Filipinos

and then you walk out of a Chinese restaurant Because I've never really seen Chinese people Work at a Chinese restaurant I don't know I'm just asking you Don't fucking challenge me No he's totally right There's much better things you could go with Like a dry cleaning

I wasn't challenging you I'll see you in hell I won't let this go You've never seen Chinese people Working in a Chinese restaurant No, I'll see you in hell. Yeah. I won't let this go. You've never seen Chinese people working in a Chinese restaurant? I guess that doesn't make any sense. What the fuck is going on? It's obviously never been to a Chinese restaurant. Find out we're Filipinos.

You got five Filipinos. Right. There's got to be something five Filipinos do together. Right. You looked at – Besides lose fucking good. What did you say before? When you go into a club, you said?

Yeah, when we go into a club, we look like a Chinese restaurant. So it's probably something like when you go into a club, it looked like Manny Pacquiao and his team coming out for a boxing match, and you would be the Freddie Roach. If you ever do it. Now, his didn't work. In his mind, he believes it did. Right.

Just like that. He's going to plow through it. I'm a cold-blooded killer. You need to work on eight different fucking tags and find which one works. Okay. And just do it enough that you'll find the one that works. I just remember if someone doesn't laugh, they don't know that they were supposed to unless you tell them, oh, fuck, that wasn't funny.

Then they'll be like, oh, shit, we didn't even know that. And you're on a great path. I mean, your idea of what you're talking about is great you know what i mean that's honest it's self-deprecating it's silly and it's a funny premise that chicks love break dancers but you got to tell us the truth in some of that like again i still don't know where was this at and how old were you 22 in colorado springs yeah and did you have what were their funny I mean what are Filipino break dancers

Street names I mean it's like What the fuck are Filipinos Doing in Colorado Springs I was in the military There's a whole bunch of those Find out Who was your

Find out what the fuck Say what Who Who was the rival gang I mean Tam Pham The Vietnamese spinners Pretty much

I mean, if you had the hottest breakdancing band in Colorado Springs, fucking you're on to something.

You have to go and I know we're supposed to, but the truth is you have to decide what is the

funny in what you're saying. Right. Holy shit. What the fuck is that? That's a great question too.

Everybody usually gives that dream up about 11 years old. You kept going. I mean, I quit at 21, and I fucked up. Because who knew the next year was when I'd really get into my spin? What was your big move? Have you done it since you were 22? I did it for about like four to five years and then i went to college is that why you quit the comedy store to get back to break dancing

have you done it i'm gonna finish my fucking dream mom have you ever have you ever break danced on a live podcast gang back together carlos have you ever danced for us have you ever have you ever break danced on a live podcast after bombing for a minute straight before? Well, I can't say that I ever have, no. So, no, never. Would you guys like to see that? Do it, dude. Ladies and gentlemen, here, put the mic.

Where's Josh? Put the mic in front of you. Take the stool off. First ever in podcast history, break dance. Won't play the best over audio, so I hope you guys enjoy it. Do you have some Filipino music?

Yeah, is there a specific song that you want, Carlos? Oh, he's... He's relacing his shoes. By the way, the general manager of the club's in the back of the room. I just got word that if this is awesome, then you are rehired here at the comedy store. Oh, shit.

It's your time. This is crazy. What? It was amazing. Can we see some top rocking, dude? Oh, he lost his glasses. Here, give us your glasses. Top up.

Oh, you're dancing. You don't have to see. It's perfect. That makes it exciting. Feel the beat, dude. A blind breakdancer? Feel it in your ankle. Here's your hook.

This is the first ever breakdance in podcast history. Believe in yourself. Yeah. Yeah. You bond for a minute straight and then you totally redeem yourself. Let's hear your breathing real quick.

Oh, man. At least now you have your opener. You come out breakdancing, we're going to believe that fucking Filipino angle. That's right. Carlos, breakdancing. Ladies and gentlemen, Carlos de Jesus. Wow.

That was amazing. Podcast history How come you couldn't park cars that fast? You'd still be working here He did something during that That I've only ever seen In breakdancing Which is whoever's doing it

He gave Brian a look After Brian played the song He gave Brian a look like Oh that's the song you're going to play. And then they always hold that look as they go into the first move. It's a weird break dancing. And when he finished,

the instinct was he looked at me like it was my turn. Yeah. You go. What's the first rule of break dancing? Yes, and. There you go. Wait a second. Weren't you on a break dancing?

Yes. All right, guys. Give it There you go. Wait a second. Weren't you on a breakdancing? Yes. All right, guys. Give it up for Sam. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. You have to. We don't have insurance. Sam Tripoli and the Ash Eaters from Colorado Springs.

We were called the HDI Breakers, and we were sponsored by the Holiday Inn. true story. We were called the HDI Breakers, and we were sponsored by the Holiday Inn. True story. Why? Is that because you guys were so sweet? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Keep going.

No, dude. That's just the truth. Yeah. Really? Holiday Inn? Breakdancing? They gave us fucking breakdancing track suits. It was great.

We played the Maple Leaf Festival. Shit was real. I did the Maple Leaf Festival. Shit was real. I did see you guys there. Yeah. Are you sure it wasn't Holiday Inn Express where even you can breakdance? That's even better. Anybody can breakdance.

I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night. That was Carlos De Jesus. He's on Twitter at zombie underscore sharks. So if you're wondering who is zombie underscore sharks on Twitter, it's the breakdancing comedian, Carlos De Jesus, he's on Twitter at zombie underscore sharks. So if you're wondering who is zombie underscore sharks on Twitter, it's the breakdancing comedian, Carlos De Jesus. Was Carlos De Jesus already taken? Okay. Wow, didn't even look.

You didn't even look up your own name. You got to believe in yourself. It's like it's marketing, bro. Start with your own name before you venture to one that no one will click on. Side accounts. I got your back. Call me tomorrow. I got three guys. I'm managing now. You know what? That brings me to a question that I wanted to ask you guys. What's the worst bombing you ever had on stage?

Friday night? No. What happened? Do you want to go into yours? No, I love yours. You don't know mine. Well, let me pick one that I've seen. Okay. No, I'm kidding.

No, I'm kidding. He's on fire today. You guys are great. You're on fire today. Speed knows speed. You you're fast my friend um i bombed in front of the entire cast of the wedding crashers i was doing a uh very special it was i've gotten sober a bunch of times this was the first time that i got sober for like five years after this gig i literally got sobered after this.

I heard this. Yeah, we had gone to, it was just after 9-11. Oh. And Vince Vaughn was like, I'm going to put together a show for the troops. Can I bring out a bunch of people? I'm like, fuck yeah. They brought me, Ahmed Ahmed, Sebastian Maniscalco, and Brett Ernst. And it's literally a month after 9-11.

Ahmed Ahmed walks out. When you say 9-11, you're talking about the release of Wedding Crashers? Yeah. On Blu-ray? On nothing. And direct download? Yeah. So he goes out.

He bombs. Ahmed bombs that night. And it wasn't his fault. They just didn't want to see a guy like that telling jokes. he goes out. He bombs. Ahmed bombs that night, and it wasn't his fault. They just didn't want to see a guy like that telling jokes. Sebastian goes out. He does well. It's still a rough crowd. I walk out, and dude, here's the thing about this show.

Vince Vaughn had set up this gig, and it was literally like first come, first serve. Whoever got tickets, whoever came to the bar and got in first, got in. And the doors opened at noon. The show was until 8 at night. The bar was packed at noon. Fucking full pack. Yeah, everybody's drownded. I walk out and I start doing this joke.

And this fucking little scrawny bitch is in the front. She's like, get the fuck off stage. You're fucking stupid. I go, lady, I'm just trying to help the church. Fuck you, you suck. I go, why don't you go fuck one of your cousins. Get out of here.

Turns out, she's with all of her cousins. You know what I'm saying? It's literally like 50 deep of fucking cousins. This is like, this is the family tree. This is a forest of people.

And it just went bad fast. And they started shouting sha na na na oh no so to this day anytime I hear that I'm like

this is how great it is some girl in the crowd felt so bad for me she fucked me in the tour bus right after wow yeah

she's like I can't believe they did that to you and we just went and fucked in the tour bus. So you ate ass on stage. No, I didn't. And then you went and ate her ass on the tour bus.

No, I didn't. I didn't eat ass on stage. I did that at the Key Club, and I got banned for a year. That's a totally different story. Wow, really? No, yeah. That's a whole different story. It was another time where I got sober after that.

Do we have time for all his bombings? By the way, you can catch the rest of Sam's bombings. It's a two-part series. But the funny part of this bomb, and this is the truth, I'm sitting in the green room, and Owen Smith is like, it's okay, buddy, it's okay. It's all right. Can we cut and paste it in?

More on Sam's bombings. It's like a Kill Bill. You had to split it into two parts four hours what was owen what was owen wilson saying just like trying to be nice he's like it's okay buddy he's talking to you with his crooked nose and dude all you sir is like my god that nose is huge and it's just all it's you can focus on is it's's like... Yeah. The physics of that nose makes no sense. You can't compute how it all works. Yeah.

I don't think he's smelled anything. And yet it does. It's like the fucking brain surgeon. Yeah. You just don't know how it works, but yet... I think my story of bombing just bombed. I think that's what just happened right there. Kirk, your worst bombing ever.

I think... Well, I would say with Charlie Sheen. Oh, I forgot about that. Because I didn't. I did not forget. Never forget. There was 5,000 people booing me for 20 straight minutes. Backstory, if you don't know, when Charlie Sheen started the first show in Detroit, correct?

Yes, sir. Of the Torpedo of Truth Tour, which he started when he was at Maximum Insanity. So obviously his fans were at Maximum Insanity. They wanted Charlie. I don't think they wanted me. And you were the opener. I was the opener. Holy shit.

And they were supposed to just kind of say, they were just kind of to bring me out from the side curtain so that i'd kind of be the host and then do you know 20 minutes of comedy but instead of introducing me from behind the curtain some guy just went out on stage and just said are you ready to rock are you ready for charlie sheen motherfucker and 5 000 people were just like, fuck yeah. And he's like, but first. Oh, fuck. I don't know how many hookers he's been with or if he smokes crack, but keep it going for Kirk Fox.

And it just went, whew. So I went out there and just started and they started booing immediately but I just believed in my shit. And at one point there was only 3,000 booing. And I said, listen, I want all of

you. Unite. Come together. And then soon they were all booing me and then Charlie came out at 10 minutes and just like put his arm around me and said come on

he's my friend and then he gave me a Snickers bar and then walked off stage and they were like oh fuck because they saw Charlie so then they booed even louder but then the joke was afterwards, you know, there was

a lot of press and they were like, you know, I heard you got booed offstage. And I'm like, no, offstage everyone was nice. You know, I got booed onstage. There it is.

That's hilarious. See how my booing story just fucking killed? I was just specific. I tied it in. I personalized it. It's your day, bud. It's your day. I pulled the next name out of the bucket.

She goes by the name of Melanie Baldonado. I never knew what we left to do. Then we're touched. Here she comes. It's a long walk from the back of the room. It looks like it's worth it. What happened? Did we miss something?

Give it up for Melanie Baldonado. Melanie Baldonado, everybody. My girlfriends have been quoting Steve Harvey for relationship advice, which I think is completely ridiculous. Why would you quote somebody for relationship advice who you would never have sex with? Why would you quote somebody for relationship advice who you would never have sex with? Steve Harvey's suits can't decide between pimp and preacher.

Steve, come on, you guys, Steve Harvey, sincerely, Steve Harvey. You've got to be kidding me. Steve Harvey says that you should wait 90 days before you have sex with anybody. Just because it takes Steve Harvey 90 days to seal the deal doesn't mean that the rest of us should have to suffer. This is what I figure. Guys think of themselves, their own minds for relationship advice, and then their friends, right? So I try to see, like, maybe Steve Harvey has hot friends. So I Googled Steve Harvey, okay? Pages and pages and pages of images of Steve Harvey by himself. Steve Harvey has hot friends. So I Googled Steve Harvey, okay? Pages and pages and pages of images of Steve Harvey by himself.

Steve Harvey hangs out with Steve Harvey. It's such a reach. It's like you would need this, you would need to perform it in front of an audience of people that only... I disagree, man. ...know Steve Harvey. I disagree.

I mean, you have to give them a better reference of that. I've done shows where it's like, hey, I do a joke about TED Talks, and sometimes the crowd has no fucking clue what TED Talks is, so you've got to explain it. But I think that's very funny, your premise. I think you've just got to go harder at Steve Harvey. I agree. You've got to really light that motherfucker up To make this premise fucking work

I agree They gotta believe that you care about it You need to remind people of how they know him too I know you do But you gotta at least tell your voice To believe it We're talking about the Steve Harvey that hosts the Family Feud Yeah the Steve Harvey has his own talk show

That I guess people watch I actually watch it You watch it? It is so awesome to smoke a lot of weed and watch Steve Harvey and sometimes he makes some great points. I'm on board with Steve Harvey. I'm sorry. I follow that deal.

For dating advice though? No, no, no. There's so much shit that's obviously going on. What? That means nothing. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, like there's so much shit that's obviously. Did Steve Harvey up you at that homeless angle? My wife is hot. That means nothing.

He's got money. That means fucking nothing. No, no, there's some bullshit. Hot chicks fuck retards all the time. It happens. I can. White robot, right? No, if Steve Harvey whispered in my ear, I would throw up.

He's like one of the most unattractive people I've ever seen in my life. Steve Harvey? Steve Harvey is like so unlike... He's a nice guy. Yeah, but you see this passion? Man, you really love Steve Harvey. But that's how you should be attacking the joke the way you're talking about him now. Right.

That's all we're saying. Yeah. The Family Feud guy, you just go off on that. You have to pound this guy on how ridiculous this dude is giving away dating advice. You're just jealous.

You love Steve Harvey. Be honest. Did he hurt you? What are Steve Harvey fans called? It's just that when your girlfriends are quoting people and you're like, who said that?

Somebody said to wait 90 days to have sex. You're counting the days to have sex. Who said that? Steve Harvey. It's like, are you freaking kidding me? He wrote a book. He wrote a book on relationship advice.

How old is he? I don't know. 60? 90? He was born on October 13th. Oh, my God. Look who, I mean, this is amazing. I never would have guessed your love of Steve Harvey.

Look, Steve Harvey has problems. Like, I wouldn't, like, follow his relationship advice, but you have a very strong hatred just on this relationship. So you like sleeping with guys, like, fast. That's your thing. That's because you're real. And thank you for that. Thank you for that. And you feel bad about this. I don't. Actually, I don't. Maybe you for that. Thank you for that.

And you feel bad about this. I don't. Actually, I don't. Maybe you shouldn't. I don't feel bad about it. No, not at all. It's not like all the time you sleep with the guy fast, but I'm not going to click on the calendar and be like,

you have to wait 90 days. It's like, shoot, are you sexy? Are you cool? Fuck first, ask questions later. That's what I say. Yeah, I mean, 90 days is ridiculous. Like two days? No, I mean, it all depends.

The guy has to like me. 90 minutes is sometimes... Yeah. How about we... Yeah. Are we going to do this or not? We're attracted to each other. Let's see if we want to hang out afterwards.

That's what I say. It's just the truth, man. Now you can see if the peace is worth it. I mean, after 90 minutes, if you're not eating ass, fuck it, it's going to be fine. Five minutes. That's right. You can't put ass in a doggy bag

and save it for later. I think you should break that down. Just a pop-up book. Why is a 60-year-old black man telling women who they should date? Because he gets tons of fucking money and he's playing a character almost. He's just getting checks and checks and checks

and he's going, oh yeah, I should sell to this certain group in the middle. You religious guy. I think Steve Harvey is actually pretty amazing. When you look at what he does on the family feud. By the way,

that sentence has never been said in the history. He's pretty amazing. Look what he does on the family feud. You just fucking said that. He takes those feuding Look what he does on the family feud. You just fucking said that. He takes those feuding families and just calms them. Yeah. Survey says.

Survey says 90 days. Suck it. Jesus. Stop it, lady. What the fuck? What is this in the back there? Six reasons why Steve Harvey should not give relationship advice. Clearly it's a fucking hot topic. This chick thinks she's at the Magic Johnson theaters back there. Six reasons why Steve Harvey should not give relationship advice. Clearly it's a fucking hot topic.

This chick thinks she's at the Magic Johnson theaters back there. She's talking to the show. That's our Robin Quivers over there. Except in... We got a hole in the bush.

Except we need a soundproof booth. She needs to go to her own studio at home. That's what she needs to do. But she loves me. You were great. Thank you. I think that's funny.

Thanks. Can I take what you just said about how he does on the Family Feud? Because that's hilarious. Yeah. That's my name. He does a great job, by the way. He does absolutely nothing. When somebody says a dumb answer, he just looks at them like this.

And he just sells it for 10 seconds. And the camera guys all know, all right, Steve's doing his face. Camera two, get in. It just zooms in on him going, what an idiot. And then he just goes, all right, let's see what the survey says. And then the survey goes, patay.

And he goes, yep. And they zoom in again. That should be the show. It's the best. It should be the show. And by the way, Family Feud has never been funnier than with Steve Harvey doing it. Yes, I agree. It's just mind-blowing.

It kills. You've got to look up. By the way, everybody here and anywhere has to look up. There's one where an old lady's on, and it's things that you smoke in public. And she goes, a joint. This little old lady and Steve and he holds it for like 35 seconds they cut

to the audience they're just dying Steve's just killing with this one move he's not saying a fucking thing this guy's killing slaughtering just but that should be it when he goes all right let's see what I mean there no way, but let's see what the service – And then he holds it again, making millions of dollars per year.

The show should be called Black People Make the Craziest Faces. Well, that's just family rude. That should be part of the joke. Just tie it in that that's the face he makes when he's getting a blowjob. Melanie, great job. I should give you a thousand faces to get laid. Just tie it in that that's the face he makes when he's getting a blowjob. Melanie, great job. I should give you a thousand faces to get laid. Stick with it. Next time I want to hear ten minutes of Steve Harvey jokes straight. That's funny.

It's funny. It's actually a guy and a girl, Tony. And if you just Google search Steve Harvey marijuana, it's one of the funniest. You gotta look up Steve Harvey marijuana. That's the most important thing. This is the part of the show where we move on to our two fabulous regulars. There are two lovely females that have been doing stand-up here.

A brand new minute each week. They're the only two regulars. It's amazing to watch them grow. It's always fun. Very exciting. Put your hands together for our first regular tonight. She dropped out of the University of Florida after doing her very first comedy spot right here on this stage. Yeah, you were.

You told her to stop. You were like, go back to school. What are you thinking? Yeah. And here on episode 75 with her 75th new minute, put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy,

Jimmy. Thank you. I went to a Starbucks really early this morning, 7.30. I was waiting in line for a coffee, and the guy in front of me ordered a decaf and a chocolate milk. But he didn't have a kid. And there was a kid in the corner, and it looked like he was trying to lure the kid out of the Starbucks.

And the only thing I could think was who the fuck drinks decaf at 7am? That's insane. I don't trust anybody that drinks decaf. Drinking decaf is like buying lingerie and then jacking someone off. It's like putting a condom on and then masturbating.

It doesn't make sense. I really liked church when I was younger. Segues. When I was a teenager specifically, because no one suspects you get fingered in those bathrooms. That's it. Thank you. 59 seconds. That was awesome.

I'd like to hear a second alt that's not sexual for the... What the fuck was it? Church. No, the one before that. The condom? Yeah, that thing. I think you replaced condom with something else. What's the comparison again. No, the one before that. The condom? Yeah, that thing. I think you replaced condom with something else. What's the comparison again?

Oh, I forgot. Andrei giving hand jobs. Oh, I forgot the one I was going to say. I was going to say it's like being on birth control when you're celibate. Well, what's the thing? What's it about again? Oh, drinking decaf coffee. Oh, yeah.

That's terrible. That's such a great premise. And yes. And yes. Both references can't be sexual, though. The sexual one should be second or third, even, to something not sexual. You know? Like, God, decaf in the morning.

That really is a fucked up thing. What kind of weirdo do you have to be? People with heart conditions. But he is the weirdo. He's the guy luring the kid into the parking lot. That's what I'm saying. It was also from the kid, the part from him

taking the kid in. It's like doing coke trying to go to bed. It's just, it's super weird. Like having a decaf coffee at seven in the morning is like having

a virgin margarita at seven in the morning. It's like saying no to a blowjob. Writer's Guild. I think you did two jokes almost within one joke, and it kind of took away from the whole joke. Okay.

Because you had one joke was about decaf coffee, and the other joke is about someone buying chocolate milk and he doesn't have a kid with him, which is a joke about being a pedophile and trying to fucking get somebody out of there, which I think should be two separate jokes. Okay. Because humor is the guy's buying a chocolate milk,

at least he's, like, getting people out of the line so you can get the coffee quicker or something along the lines of that. But you had two jokes in one premise that ultimately diluted both jokes. Gotcha. But were you saying that pedophiles drink decaf? I think so. Which is funny.

I think that's what that has to mean, yeah. Yeah, it should be a punchline right there. Yeah. But that's got to be your first one. Right.

You know? Exactly. Pedophiles drink decaf. It's true. Because the last thing they want to do is take a shit while they're fucking a kid.

Because the last thing they want to do is take a shit while they're fucking a kid. That's so funny. That's why I'm here. And of course a pedophile would drink decaf at 7am because the kids are already in school. You don't get caffeinated until they're about to get out at like

2.30, 3 o'clock. Get fucking wired. I guess pedophilia jokes aren't a no I closed it on the huge laugh you need caffeine to take a pill Kurt Fox is like the Steve Harvey of this show right now I just gave you a look that's a great look

zoom in camera one you had two jokes there you somehow can intertwine them better or separate them and then make them one joke. That's all I'm saying. Because they're both funny. I agree with Sam because I've hurt his feelings a lot tonight. No, you didn't. At all.

Not one point. I'm dead on the inside, brother. Dead on the inside? Yeah. Why? Just give him the look. Give him the Harvey thing. You said what? Kim, that was great. Survey says yes, you are. Bing!

Good joke. Yeah, so funny. Thank you. And you landed on exactly one minute, so you did it again. Cool. Thank you so much. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon.

Instagram, all that stuff. Our other regular, super funny, super cool, awesome style. Put your hands together for Sarah Weinschenko. What's up? Who the fuck decided to associate

foil with the future? It's fucking trippy. Were they just like, yeah, there's going to be a lot of mess. We're going to need a lot of foil. No refrigeration and no microwaves. We're going to need foil. We need a sponsor for the future.

Reynolds is on it. What? Were you barbecuing? What the fuck? We could think of anything. The best thing we could come up with was aluminum foil in the future. Someone decided that, and that was a thing, guys. Look at the fuck up.

Aluminum, why not saran wrap? We're so sprung on something that's fucking shiny. Makes no sense. Also, the fucking shiny. Makes no sense. Also the name egg roll makes no sense. Why don't they just call it a mini Asian burrito? That's what they should call it. An oriental roller.

Oriental roller. I love that. Yeah, the tinfoil line is great. You know, you lose me right. I mean, it was like applause break worthy. I felt like, you know, it didn't even get, even though it got an applause break, I feel like it didn't really get what it deserved. And then, but what was interesting was right after that, I got confused immediately because, because you said what you said, uh, you nailed it with the future thing.

Everybody, I think pictures the same thing. Somebody wearing like some kind of weird helmet or hat. Oh, is that what you're talking about? The helmet? I had no idea what you were talking about. But then what do you say next? You need to set that up. What do you say right after that?

I don't know, man. Oh, you have no idea. I mean, like, honestly, I wanted to get all my aluminum jokes out that, like, I lost track of time. And I was, like, really pissed off that I wasn't going to get Reynolds out. And that was, like, in my head. Wait, you're talking about the tinfoil hats, like the conspiracy theory? That's the future part you're talking about? No, like, if you look up 1950s future, they're really into, like, fucking foil.

Which is, you didn really into fucking foil. Which is... You didn't tell anybody that. I thought that everyone knew that. I don't know. Is that an assumption? Don't assume anyone knows anything really because it's all part of the setup. I don't know if you've watched the show, but nobody knows anything.

I think it works. I think most people probably picture... There's definitely an association with foil in the future. I don't think it works. I think most people probably picture... There's definitely an association with foil in the future. I don't think it really matters. Where do you get this from? It killed. The joke killed. I had no idea what was going on.

But it lost you because they're waiting for you to explain that line. You just came up, when did foil become the future? It died off. What exactly are you talking about? I thought I missed a news story or something. Really? I thought it was like, oh shit, I didn't read TMZ.

What I will say is that you're much better on stage than the last couple times I've done this show. Not that you weren't good there, but man, your delivery is so much better. You're way more confident. It's fun to watch, ma'am. Thank you. And I agree, but I will also tell

you this. As a friend. You said fuck 19 times in a minute. You're right. I open with fuck. Not great. I don't think it's necessary. Yeah, I got excited. You got to save it for special occasions.

It's like water and water world. You know, it's... Use it if you really believe in... You know, use it occasionally. Because when you write a joke out, if you're not saying fuck while you write the joke out, you don't need to say fuck on stage. That's really good advice.

That's why I'm here. Great advice. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much, Sarah. That was a great set. Thank you. Very good.

That was great. Aluminum foil. Best outfit of the day. Best outfit. Thank you. Hey, Tony, Ice Cream Fire's here again. Whoa. One of our favorite bands in the world, Ice Cream Fire.

They're great. They're available on iTunes. And we're listening to this right now. Scott Kidd, thank you so much. You're at Devo Kidd on Twitter. Good job, man. That's D-E-V-O-K-I-D-D. You stood strong.

You didn't say a lot, but I knew you were there. You stood better than anyone's ever stood before. You killed on this podcast. You're standing. Be honest with me. Were you asleep for most of this? I thought you were. Kirk Box, you're on Twitter at Kirk Box.

Yes, I am. Anything else you want to promote? That's fine. For those of you in third world countries, the test is coming out soon. I think it's all done. They already got it. They don't get it later. It's all good, man.

I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Our sponsor is Elyse Lane, E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N on Twitter. She's amazing. She made us great stuff tonight. Come see me in Red Band in Toronto in November. That's right. Sam, what do you got? I am going to be at the Sacramento Punchline the weekend of November 13th, 14th, and 15th.

Very excited to be headlining that weekend. And then New Year's, I will be doing Toronto at the Underground Cafe. I'll be doing the New Year's. That's the best. Yeah, dude. We're going to be there that entire first week of November. Whenever the Dark Comedy Festival is, we'll be at the Underground as well. Yeah, go see Sam at the Sacramento Punchline.

I've done that club with you before. You were the first comedian ever to take me there. I think the three of us did it, right? Yeah. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Yeah, it was Sam at the Sacramento Punchline. I've done that club with you before. You were the first comedian ever to take me there. I think the three of us did it, right? Yeah. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Yeah, it was a lot. Great show, guys. I'll be golfing Bel Air tomorrow.

Kurt Fox is one of the funniest people I know. Thank you, live audience. I love you. Episode 75. Later. Later. Later. We eat alive. Outro Music