KILL TONY - KILL TONY #77

Episode Date: December 20, 2014

Doug Stanhope, Paul Provenza, Matt Fulchiron, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Iron Jesus / Kevin Lee Light, Brian Redban – Date: 11/03/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Check out our website, click on Tour Dates to find out when we're coming near you. Working on some new dates right now for Vancouver. We got a new January Vegas show that's about to go on sale. And we have a bunch of new stuff in the works. So always go to DeathSquad.TV, click on Tour Dates. And don't forget ShopSquad.TV for all the t-shirts, hoodies, hats, and mugs and all the Death Squad merchandise you could want.

Go to ShopSquad.TV. And don't forget to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Golden Pony, baby. Check it out. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony

Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hitzclay! How's everybody doing? Happy Monday to you. Here we are back again. Kill Tony. Hi, everybody. Okie dokie, we lost you.

It's good to be here. It's a live audience, as always. Hi, Brian. Hi, how are you doing? Brian Redband is here, everybody. Come on. Yeah. I just flew in

from New York City today. I had an amazing weekend there. I did some crazy stuff and I performed at the Borgata in Atlantic City. But I flew in today and I fly out tomorrow night because Brian and I are going to Toronto, everybody. I get another

six-hour flight. That's ridiculous. Why didn't you just stay in New York for a day? Because I'm obsessed with this show. I swear to God, I flew in just for this from across the country. I was on a fucking plane all day. I'm obsessed with it. I'm convinced that this is one of the best shows

in all of comedy. I'm convinced. And I think some other people are convinced I'm convinced we've already sold hundreds of tickets we are so close to selling out Toronto Friday night kill Tony in a fucking theater

Toronto the show you're at right now you lucky 28 people the gleaming 28 have no idea how exciting Friday is going to be. But this is our, I guess we would call this a practice run for Friday, even though it never changes.

It's just a well-oiled machine. Yeah, it's pretty easy because it's just plug it in and we already know what to do. So if any of you want to get a flight to Toronto, if you like tonight's show, you can get one and be there on Friday night. So you can double up. We are also roasting Ron Jeremy on Wednesday. Yeah.

Which is very exciting. I've been doing my research on him, been watching some of his old porn. Pretty disturbing shit. He gives hope to I guess fat hairy guys that have big dicks. So I'm on board.

He is an animal. I wrote a few already. Would you guys like to be the only ones to know some of the jokes that I'm going to... Alright. Well, it's in Toronto. So I'm going to say, Ron hasn't been this far north since Vietnam.

It's a little bit of a thinker. Think about it for a second. I know we're just getting into the show. How about this one? Ron Jeremy's been in the game a while. He's, he's seen it go from Harry to landing strip to shave. And that's just his back. Ron's dad was a physicist and his mom was a book editor whoever said the apple doesn't fall far from the tree hasn't seen Ron Jeremy's descended testicles that's a little bit of a thinker too most of these are going to be farther in the lineup when the crowd's already hot

which is basically the opposite of you guys so if it's working on you now the only thing that's hard about him is his arteries oh I got an applause break on that he played a plumber in many of his movies but he looks like the kind of guy that doesn't flush

oh here's a good one you know he's like fat it's Ron Jeremy you gotta picture him on the stage okay just let him sit there. Actually, no. They'll be behind. Yeah, they'll be. I like your excitement, guys.

Fuck. I have one. Josh, I'm sorry. Sorry for you listeners that are hearing this. Why don't you pull one more chair up here? It's better when people are towards the front than the back. Josh seats this place like it's a fucking airplane.

The back. Alright, fuck it. Thanks, Josh, for listening. So you picture fat Ron Jeremy on stage, right? How about this one? You know, Ron, you didn't have to eat all those pizzas you fake-delivered. That's the best one right there.

Yeah, that's a big one. Of course, if people didn't down 12 inches of greasy mess, you wouldn't have a career. See, that's what we call a tag. That'll come right after that joke with that conversation in the middle. Let me ask

you guys this. Do you know the thing that Ron Jeremy is notoriously cheap? Have you guys heard that before? Or is that a not known thing to complete strangers? Never heard that. Not really, right?

It's such a known thing for people that know him. But it's good to know. That's exactly why I asked. He's the only guy that cuts his Viagra with Propecia. That's a really good one.

But that mustache is great, or as he calls it, his cold sore umbrella. I love his movies, though. I give them two lotion-covered thumbs up. All right, I can't close with that one. I think you should close with the pizza one. Ron, I didn't know you could get fat from eating ass. Damn, dude.

I need to start this writing thing. I have push to unlock. Dustin Diamond's going to be there. Screech from Saved by the Bell. Screech, every time I watch Saved by the Bell, I think to myself, why couldn't there be a school shooting back then? See, this is the kind of thunder.

These are just my notes for Wednesday I'm so excited to get my well not my hands on Ron Jeremy but I can't wait to talk shit about him I should take this a little bit more seriously I'm still convinced you should do some fun performance piece where you just like do something

you know it breaks up the tone of the roast yeah you should just go up there and tell the truth yeah to ron jeremy about how he's probably changed your life like i'd imagine ron jeremy ron jeremy is like your buddha yeah that's right i'll tell me i picture a little indian style ron jeremy like over your fireplace that'd be a great work of art by the way who wouldn't want to run j Buddha? None of us does. Yeah, you're right. Or else he would

definitely be selling them. I'm going to do something a little goofy tonight. We've had Jeff Richards perform here, one of our favorite people, and he played a couple few songs for us over a few episodes. I'm going to do something fun like that tonight because I saw this guy before a roast battle here a couple weeks ago

and I've seen him actually a few times. He plays music. He's a comedian that plays music. Put your hands together for him. I think he's hilarious, so I asked him to come by. It's Pat Regan, everybody. Josh, is he good? Heck yeah.

Pat Regan, everyone. Bye. Sitting on my bedroom floor Feeling so alone Black out all the windows And disconnect the phone No one calls me anyways, no one even cares I could disappear like a ghost in a graveyard Open up the dresser drawer where I keep my gun

The cold black steel looks up at me like shadows at the sun I load it up with bullets and I down a glass of rum It burns my throat but that's okay cause it numbs the pain Crying like a newborn child My hands they shake with fear I think it's what I have to do But I'm not thinking clear I close my eyes and count to three And draw one final breath

Then I put the handgun in my mouth And guess what happens next I suck the gun like a dick I suck the gun like a dick I suck the gun like a dick I suck the gun like a dick Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum I want this.38 to shoot a load across my tongue

My troubles are forgotten Cause I'm having so much fun sucking this gun like a dick. Fuck yes. Thank you. The stylings of Pat Regan. Thank you so much, Pat. That was fucking awesome. Wow. I love that. That was awesome. Fucking Pat Regan. Thank you so much, Pat. That was fucking awesome. Wow. I love that.

That was awesome. One more time for Pat Regan. Come on. What I love about him, so many funny songs that I hear, the music is terrible. I'm such a big music fan that I always hear the music and even though what they're saying is funny,

I just can't get over that the music's bad. But with Pat, the music's actually good, and you almost forget that it's about to get funny, and then it just hits you in the head. I had no idea it was going to go funny. I thought, oh, this is just a nice romantic song. I definitely got scared for a second, because I'm like, wait a second.

I hope he knows. This is a comedy club? No, he does. I know that. But for a second, I thought maybe just for a second he's going to play a real song. Right. That's what I thought. I totally thought that. I was like, is this a Dylan song?

He's sucking a gun like a dick. Pat Regan. That's awesome. Every week, we only have one sponsor. She's the great Elyse Lane sitting right over there, everybody. Every listener of the show should follow her on everything. She's Elyse Lane on Twitter. E-L-Y

S-E-L-A-I-N. And she's the girl with the pan on Instagram and Facebook. Look at this, everybody. This is the type of high quality gourmet food that we get to eat every week because Elyse is a recipe checker. Nope, nope, nope. That is a person who checks recipes

for chefs that are writing cookbooks. She makes sure that they're good. That's her job. Think about that for a second. Soak it in. Think about what you do for a living. Alright, so every week she makes us a meal

and this week's no different. I used to read what she would make for us every week to make the listeners hungry and hire an executive chef. You know what I mean? But then I realized, wouldn't it be more fun if the runaround producer of the show, the great

Josh Martin, read it every week? And for the last four or five weeks we've been playing a game because Josh has a speech impediment. So if Josh can't read the recipe without stopping or pausing or stuttering, if he gets all the way through it, then he doesn't get hit in the nuts. This is Will Josh Get Hit in the Nuts by Brian Redband. Josh just has to read the recipe one time the whole way through. Now at any point he stumbles, Brian hits him in the nuts. Monday night, Monday night, do you think you can handle that type of entertainment? Now see, we have to save this for only Fridays and Saturdays.

These people can't handle it. Wait, Monday night? You think you could handle watching a comedy situation where this guy might get hit in the nuts? Well, then, all right. As soon as I hand it to you, you have to start reading. We're not doing any of this. You get to study it first shit, okay?

You ready? Are you guys ready? I got to get really confident. Here you go. Josh Martin, everybody. There it goes. Okay, uh, tonight's meal, roasted red and golden beet salad with baby kale, goat cheese, toasted almonds, and olive oil,

marinated chicken breast, marinated in supercalifragilisticexpialidocious I don't think this is marinated in supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I wrote that last part. Good job, Josh. Elise wrote the recipe. He made it all the way through the recipe after she handed it to me.

I'll just read what's written here. Roasted red and golden beet salad with a baby kale goat cheese, toasted almonds, olive oil, marinated chicken breast, marinated in supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is the part that I wrote in. What's so funny is that his stutter or his speech impediment, you could almost not understand what he was saying. He just wasn't pausing. It was just like...

It was like... He was just making noise. It was like Ari Shafir sucking a dick. That's what it sounded like. How do you know what that sounds like? Because Ari on stage kind of has a... Oh, yeah.

I see what you're saying. A little deep, Ari Shafir. Obsessed for you people with Ari Shafir posters on your walls. Well, every week we also have a head of security that keeps us safe, keeps an eye on us. This is one of our very favorite patriots. Put your hands together for him, everybody.

It's Kevin Lee Light, Jesus Patriot. A lot of hosts of shows don't have Jesus Christ keeping them safe during the show. My show, I give you Jesus Christ. The fucking resurrection, as always. Kevin, how's it going? I'm excited to be here. You always have a good time. Thanks for having me.

You're right. We always do have a good time. Look at that. Kevin Lee Lights. How old are these gloves? The gloves are probably... About a year. Yeah.

How many people have worn them? About 70. Oh. Thanks. Anything crazy happen this weekend? You are West Hollywood Jesus, for those of you that don't know, but all of you should.

He's been in many movies, music videos. He's a regular treat to see around here at the Comedy Store, a favorite of many of the funny comedians here that have taken the moment to chat with him. Super cool guy. But you're always in West Hollywood.

This is a crazy weekend in West Hollywood. I was in New York City, so I miss crazy West Hollywood Halloween. What did you see? Anything? We had a rainstorm. We had a half a million people out in the street. It rained here on Halloween? Ha, ha, ha.

You fucking losers. Yeah. Should have been in New York City. I ended up in the middle of the parade. Yeah. I was in Vegas. I'll just say it. Me and Jeff Ross and his cousin, we jumped the barricade,

and we just became part of the parade we were just walking everything fucking million people by the way their parade is i thought yeah they say like you know west hollywood is a big everything they tell you this shit when you live here but the truth is is new york city just dwarfs us um it dwarfs this everything um yes they called this one a parade but I didn't see anybody parading. I saw them standing around. Did they actually parade in New York? Oh, it was a parade, and there's huge, giant floats,

most of them playing Thriller, by the way. A lot of people didn't get very creative with their Halloween New York floats. I mean, I get it. Thriller's a big one. And basically, it's pretty blatant that these floats are just people on ecstasy listening to thriller yeah while going by a bunch of people like they're dancing but you can see in their eyes like this slight fear of like what the fuck am i doing they didn't really realize they'd be

on a moving live show for like an hour and a half yeah i was knee deep uh in cocaine and ecstasy in vegas so i could have helped you Really? You were in Vegas for Halloween? Yeah. Wow. It never rains in Vegas. No, it didn't. It was very nice. Sat by the pool during the day and then spent a lot of money on drugs all night. So if it was raining, then everybody

was probably slammed in venues and places, right? What were you doing? It sounded like you both had a lot more fun than I did. New York and Vegas. Everybody ran. it was as though a lion were chasing a herd of antelope everybody just scattered and it didn't just rain it poured and it didn't give a warning wow there's just stand there and all of a sudden boom it came down so it was a fun show watching everybody head for cover the folks who were too drunk just kind of stood there. Do you dress up for Halloween or do you just stick with Jesus?

I mean, every day is Halloween for you, right? Every day is Christmas. Right. He dresses up as the devil on Halloween. That would be awesome. I think maybe in the first year. That would be great. I posed with a lot of devils and a few Jesuses, some black Jesuses this year as well. Ooh, a black Jesus?

A bunch of black Jesuses. Wow. It's a big year for black Jesus. Is it really? No, it is. Were there any white people doing blackface Jesus? No, but Pete C. suggested that I shoe polish my face and that if I didn't, I was really off my game. I wonder if Pete C. knows that they make makeup now and you wouldn't have to use actual shoe polish.

That's an interesting suggestion. Hey, man, you should totally gasoline your eyes for... I'm pretty sure they have contacts now. Well, he does it the old way. We used to do it in the Midwest. Shoe polish. We'd meet up at the meetings and stuff. I have face cancer and I don't know why.

Guys, we have such an exciting show lined up for you Are you ready to meet your guests tonight? Put your hands together for the great Paul Provenza and Matt Voltron Paul, welcome Paul's first time, Matt's second time on the show. I'm super excited to have you guys here. It's a special night.

Heck yeah. Matt, you and I have been barking along at the Comedy Store here since I started. So that's been seven and a half years. One of my favorite things to do is bark like a dog while someone's killing on stage. So somebody might get that treatment tonight. That is the sound you want to hear. If you're killing downstairs in the original room and you hear that, it's a double confirm that you're killing

because that means you're killing with Fultron. And it feels like you're killing on Arsenio. It's very Arsenio. It's like Arsenio Fantasy Camp. You do this too? No, just the Bart. You're making it your own. Paul, I had a blast with you at the Traverse City Comedy Fest.

Way too much fun. Sinbad was there. Sinbad was kicking ass. And Dave Holmes. Wait, no. Pete Holmes. Josh Holmes? kicking ass. And Dave Holm. Wait, no. Pete Holmes. No, who's the... Josh Holm. No, the guy that pulled down his pants during set list.

Oh, Dave Foley. Dave Foley. Oh, my God. That's right. Dave Foley committing a felony of... Yeah, it was a good show. Yeah. Unbelievable.

A winter fest. The winter fest. So fun. Freezing cold. Middle of the mountains. You have one of my... And they come out like crazy for the shows. You have one of my favorite shows that I ever get to regularly do, and that's Set List. You are always welcome at Set List.

That is the creation of evil genius Troy Conrad. And you, right? I just basically protect it. I make sure that somebody doesn't come along and fuck it up. I love it. Perfect. It's great fun. Well you're doing a great job because it is the best. I love the impulse behind this. You guys are

actually really doing work on this show. It's fun. It's great. It's real inside comedy. Real process. And that's the fun part of Setlist too. Yeah. Was there something I said? Is that Doug Stanhope? Yeah it is. Put your hands together for Doug Stanhope, everybody. Doug, you want to come up and play

with us? You want to come up and play? Doug Stanhope is here. Heck yeah. What's up, Doug? Good to see you, buddy. What's up, brother?

Kevin, if you have to say anything, just raise your hand and we'll send a mic down to you. We're going to stick with the funny people on this one, Jesus. Sorry. But you look great. You are the best at decoration. What do you think about Jesus Christ over there, Doug? I hate that everybody's doing Christmas so fucking early these days

Have you ever gotten to perform this close to Jesus? Usually not before November 31st I think that was my question I had no answer, so field him for me Early in my cocktails, please go ahead I love it Your presentation How's the night going, Doug? You having fun?

It's very good. Very good so far. Thanks for swinging by. We're just getting started. We haven't had one comedian up yet. You still don't. I know. Yeah.

But you know how the show goes. Comedians, you guys get 60 seconds. You perform for 60 seconds. You know 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. You better wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you have it.

That's what it sounds like. A lot of noise on that one. It's like a morning zoo show. Yeah, it is. It's getting there. It's Big Mike and the Angry West Hollywood Bear in the morning. And now here's Cindy with traffic. Heck yeah.

All right, let's see what happens here. Your first comedian doing a minute tonight goes by the name of Kevin DeVore thank you so I was cleaning my apartment the other week naked and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I didn't really like what I saw so I've been hitting the gym a lot lately.

Don't worry, the results are still pending. So I've been working on that a little bit. But there's nothing I hate in the world more than people who take gym selfies because it's the most vain thing you can do. Like, how dare you make me feel inadequate, self-conscious, vulnerable, and longing all at the same time. Those are some conflicting emotions. i don't like that but you always see them in front of the mirror posted up with their phone acting like they're uh checking it like with a half smirk got it that'll go sick on instagram later posted up with some nice hashtag puns like uhaddilla. Shredification.

Armageddon. Kill yourself. Please do us all a favor. We can't stand it anymore. But the comments are always worse, so we'll start out with a nice Shredded bro just looking so shredded. Which will move on to point out a physicality such as

nice delts bro hitting those traps too, I see. Which will move on to inevitably laying that nice dick bro that's a really solid dick. Which is never an auto wow the bear was so mad I think it ate a few puppies at the end of that

so mad furious bear you can skip the whole beginning where you're looking at yourself in the mirror and you can go straight to the gym selfies I think I'm going to be the Roseanne Barr on you're looking at yourself in the mirror and you can go straight to the gym selfies, I think. Cool. All right. I'm going to be the Roseanne

bar on Last Comic Standing. I think you have an original voice and I thought it was lovely. Until I get a couple more cocktails in me, I'm just going to be the sweetheart. But then I'll turn on you. I was expecting Stan Hope to just rip me a new asshole, actually.

I realize I probably should have, but I'm not there yet. I just walked in. I didn't know I was going to be here. Who's the one on Last Comic standing, the panel that's the bad one? Who's the mean one? I've never watched it. No one was mean on the last season. And it was the first season I watched where I go, I don't know any of these comics.

I'm fucking old. My opinion doesn't count. So don't listen to me. I'll be over here in Irrelevance. You come hang with me. All right. I just think you're really wordy. I think you have an idea of the joke, and the more succinctly you can get to it, the better.

The wordiness is sort of filler for you. Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does make sense. How long have you been in stand-up? Only about eight months now. How often are you getting up? You don't know a lot of spots?

Mostly at flappers in Burbank, but I get up like twice a week usually. At Flappers in Burbank? No, I'll do some other open mics, but it really just, it's tough to get some stage time, especially when I come up to Comedy Store. How many times a week are you doing Flappers?

Usually, if I've got a book show, I'll do that, and then I usually hit on Wednesday or Thursday'll do that but how often is that? Wednesday or Thursday so you're saying once a week? yeah once a week at least so three spots a week do you tape and listen to your sets? yeah

do you ever laugh? no fucking there it is no yeah I mean That's a bit that I've been working on And, you know It's just kind of

Kind of working on it, so I wasn't even really trying to slam you there No, no, no I just remember when I started out Like shit that I would laugh at I thought I couldn't do Like the stuff that actually made me laugh, I go, oh yeah, but you could never really do that on stage.

And then I did, and here I am, a fucking drunk, miserable, horrific old human being. So stick with it. I know what you're talking about. It's really hard to listen to. I would tape myself all the time, and I would listen to five minutes of it and just go,

I can't listen to this anymore. That's what I do now. Yeah. It's really hard to listen to like five minutes of it and just go, I can't listen to this anymore. That's what I do now. It's really hard to listen to. Besides what they're saying, like the writing, you could definitely trim it up. But I also noticed that your voice is very monotone during the whole thing. It was just flat. Yeah, flat.

I honestly was kind of like, alright, I'm not even paying attention to what he's saying because I just want to go to sleep or something. You need to have ups and downs and pauses. Because if you just go out of like, alright, I'm just not even paying attention to what he's saying because I just want to go to sleep or something. You need to have ups and downs and pauses. If you just go out there like, blah, blah, blah, and if you had a 30 minute set, fuck that. No one would sit around for that.

It doesn't mean you have to do the over the top. Bob's your uncle! Hey, people! Give it up for yourselves! Right. That's not bad. I mean, that would kill, but no. It just didn't seem like you were happy to be up on stage because you didn't seem, you know, any energy at all.

Yeah, you were like a Wi-Fi tower for daydreaming. Yeah, I was super excited. You took me straight to stuff I have to do tomorrow and things like that, and I work hard on not thinking about that while doing this show. You know what I mean? It's a big deal to me. So when I'm daydreaming about stuff I have to do tomorrow during the thing,

that means you've got to get to something, some kind of point. I was just daydreaming while you were saying that. Yeah, I just kind of zoned out on it. I thought about all the shit I had to do. Right. But, you know, you gotta go definitely the levels thing is a thing. You can't be daydream machine. Okay.

I like this one hashtag. Armageddon. You dig it? Hashtag. Jesus coming through in the clutch. There you go. Jesus cares. Heck yeah. Kevin, where are you from? I'm from Cincinnati area. How long have you lived in

LA? Five months now. Five months. So you did it for three months in Cincinnati? Yeah. Well, I was doing it around Ohio, like wherever I could get stage time because I went to school in northern Ohio at BGSU. Where's that? Bowling Green? Yeah, Bowling Green. Oh, nice. South of Toledo.

Yeah, I know exactly where that is. I really hate saying this, but try going to Ha Ha Cafe a little bit. I mean, Flappers is a great stage, but you're not going to get herpes there. You need to really go to a grocer club. It'll check you a little. Do you live in Burbank?

Is that your thing? I live in Culver City. Yeah, exactly. When you're on that side of the hill... Is herpes a thing you have to have now? Yeah. That side of the hill really sucks. And everybody moves there when they first move here

for some weird reason. It's kind of like having a gold medallion on Delta. You know these airports. Sorry. You mean Burbank Airport? What kind of comedy do you like? Who's a comedian that you think, like, you relate to? Like, oh, I'm sort of in that.

Totally cliche, but I love Doug Stanhope. Ah, forget it. I know. Well, I see the similarities already. I'm a fan of Vic Henley also. Ron White. Those are two we're often putting the same

pot. Vic Henley and Doug Stanhope. Yeah, he's got a nice buffet going there. What are you drinking, Doug?

She's got it covered. It's okay. Bingo knows the look on my face. We got Josh. Josh is running around.

Matt, what are you drinking? Bingo. Bingo. Hey. I don't want yours. I was saying there's a waiter there. Vodka soda.

Matt, what are you drinking? Stella for me, Josh. Might just want to bring two for Doug. Just go ahead and quad up on that one. Bring the four back. Who was your favorite when you were a kid? When I was a kid? Yeah

Who do you remember being your first favorite? I remember Ron White being my first favorite comic Yeah And after that Just kind of moved on to some other stuff And then Doug just brought the super Just dark shit into my life So thank you, Doug.

You're welcome. You're welcome for that. He was a brony before he found you. You know what another thing is, though, is I'm noticing that you just sort of are deadpan in one tone. So maybe what it actually is is like just double commit to that instead of actually trying to sound normal. Just don't try to sound normal

and sound like exactly how you do it. But cut the dead weight out of your set because you can't be that monotone and have that much set up. In order for that to really work, you've got to do like a Stephen Wright scenario. Exactly. Short, punchy, self-contained kind of things.

Otherwise, it's a weird thing because a lot of people come to the table with great writing skills and some people come to the table with great performance skills. And you brought neither, but come on, it had to be someone was going to say it. Yeah, I was.

So much for Roseanne. Yeah, no, I mean, it's like, you know, you obviously like to write, and you can tell that because you just keep overwriting, you know. Everything's really, really wordy. That's a common, very, very, very common first. I mean, you've done nothing, by the way. When I asked you how many spots you're doing, your answer is like,

I mean, you just got to get in the game. You got to make the trip over the hill and play this side of the hill. I started comedy living in Burbank and I didn't even have a car and I made it here at the end of every night and to whatever open mic every single night. Once you

get in, you got to get in all the way. He rode his bike here from Burbank, which if anyone knows that drive, that's fucking psychotic. Over Laurel Canyon with drunk drivers. Well, not Laurel Canyon, the Cahuenga Pass, which is basically the first time you take it on a bike, it is Laurel Canyon. Because it's uphill a lot of the way. But you either want it or you don't.

You could die in Flappers. You just gotta, yeah. Flappers isn't really a, I mean, it's not really an option to get your chops at all. Flappers is not an option! I mean, you could do gigs there once you're doing gigs, but it's not the place you want to start. You gotta start in the

grits. It's gotta be dirty and creepy and you gotta... You have to wonder if you're crazy for doing this. Flappers is like walking into fucking Sears or something like that. Does anyone know if Sal's still doing comedy? That's a cool

place. Sal's open mic. Is that still around? Yeah. Try Sal's. That's great. All your local references sound like cartoon names to me. Flappers and Ha Ha Cafe. That's a lazy writer would put Ha Ha Cafe into a movie. Exactly. Kevin, thank you so much.

Thanks, man. Good job. Good work, Kevin. He's on Twitter at MrDragonDevore. That's D-E-V-O-R-E. That's all one word, at MrDragonDevore. I'll be the wicked prick on the next one. Just don't take it seriously.

I don't really like to make funny. Before we get to that, I always ask every guest when it's their first time on the show, so I'll ask these two because I think I've asked you before, is what is something that you did when you very first started out doing stand-up that you can't believe that you did or talked about or would ever do that's obnoxious that you can when you very first started out doing stand-up that you can't believe that you did or talked about or would ever do, like that's obnoxious, that

you can't really believe that you're embarrassed that you ever did? Well, you've got to give me a minute to think about it. Okay, we'll start with Paul. Is there something, do you have a ventriloquist dummy or take off your shirt, walk backwards? Like, what's the thing? I've heard everything. Well, I started What's the thing? I've heard everything. I started in the 70s. So I was opening very, like the first times I ever did stand-up, I would walk from the back of the room,

leaning way, way back just to do an Earth Shoes joke. Earth Shoes? See? Yeah, I can't believe you did that. I don't know what Earth Shoes joke. Earthshoes? See? Yeah, I can't believe you did that. I know. I don't know what Earthshoes is. I got banned from the comedy, sir, because I turned to the emcee and I said, do you mind if I put more of my water on the piano? He said, go ahead.

And I just poured my water up and down the piano. Earthshoes. And I got banned for like five years. That'll do it. I like it. I'm trying to think of one thing that wasn't embarrassing about when I started. No, that's the hard part. I had this weird accent, and I talked out of the side of my mouth,

and it was kind of a New York weird. Were you doing a character? No, I didn't think I was. But now I look back at old footage. I did that on purpose on an album I did 10 years ago, a DVD. I put bonus footage was all my earliest horrifically embarrassing shit, and I couldn't even watch it to decide what to put on. I made my manager watch it, and they decided which clips,

because I'd try to watch myself, and I'm like gagging. I had a fucking mullet. My first evening at the improv, I was only maybe a year into comedy. And I bought this shirt on Santa Monica Boulevard out of one of those $6 things. It still had the creases in it. And it had a matching tie. And I had a mullet and I talked out of it. It was everything about my...

Yeah, I sucked shit. You had the mullet too, I remember. Yeah, I had the wicked mullet. Yeah had the mullet too, I remember. He had the wicked mullet. Yeah, crazy mullet. Matt, what was your answer the first time that I asked you? I did crazy shit. Well, no, it was just the things I thought of. I thought of being Officer Laugh and wearing a cop uniform

and the comedy kid and wearing a fucking cowboy uniform. But those were just the ideas. They never made it to the stage who's writing that down don't write that down I remember the hack premises that I thought I came up with first like who's the first guy to ever eat an egg

I'll eat the first thing that comes out of that chicken's ass and I thought it was fucking brilliant and then you go that's the most tired hackneyed fucking idea I've never heard that before like that that's actually pretty funny I've never heard that before like that. That's actually pretty funny to me. It's really good with a mullet. I've never pictured it coming out of the chicken's ass.

Do you remember a hack bit that you did that you were so ashamed that you, oh, fuck, I can't believe I thought that was original. I think I actually told the joke where I'm so crazy I ripped the fucking tag off the mattress that says do not. And that's like a famous joke, isn't it? That's somebody's joke. That's like somebody's joke. I don't know who.

You're the first guy that saw that tag. And the 7086 guy that saw the tag. It's weird when Twitter will keep you in check. The first thing you think of, you used to know to dismiss as a comic. But now you can just go to Twitter and prove that you are right in dismissing the first joke you have about a topic. Go to that hashtag on Twitter and, oh, yeah, everyone already wrote that. Yeah, you can type it into Google or Twitter and just be like, nope, no writing today. That's all I came up with.

Let's see what happens next. Are you guys ready for your next comedian, everybody? 60 Seconds of Thunder. So many awesome people signed up for the chance. Right now, it is Daniel White. And the game.

And the game. Everybody. And the game. Folks, my name's Daniel White, and my name might sound familiar, because you might have seen In the game No, seriously. As a bus rider, I feel that our buses are far too overcrowded with people that don't really smell that nice. And there's a lot of traffic here. I have to be on the bus a long time, and I absorb these smells.

So if I am elected, I will make sure that there are more buses on the streets in order to relieve congestion on the buses. I will make sure that anybody sitting in an open seat next to the aisle when a window seat is open next to them will be immediately ejected. And if I'm elected, I will no longer ride the bus. Good job, brother. Fuck yeah.

57 seconds of thunder and lightning from Daniel White. It did pay off at the end, at least. I missed a couple lines. I thought you were going to be wicked on this one, Doug. What's that? I thought you were going to be wicked on this one. I was getting to that. Oh, okay. Yeah, you can't just close strong. Right. I thought you were going to be wicked on this one I was getting to that oh okay

you can't just close strong you're going to have something in the middle there it went somewhere he has the idea he's got the basic idea of making an arc to the story right?

except the story was lacking. I think if you came up with more extreme examples, you know, just nuttier shit, I think it would be better. Yeah. And also made it, you know, more convincing that you're actually running maybe too. It's like instead of just saying,

I'm running, really, I am. Are you really running? No, I threw it on the bus. There's an election coming up, and I thought about it. I just threw it together on the bus on the bus. There's an election coming up, and I thought about it. I just threw it together on the bus on the way here. I'm writing you in, man. I like the end of your set.

There you go. If there were more bus riders in the crowd, I think you might have gotten a warmer response. This stuff would kill. Uber is killing the bus. I'm telling you, Uber is destroying bus riding forever. Your minute would slay on the 217. That's a Fairfax to Hollywood. This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Did I get a transfer to a punchline? Daniel, you have to admit, it must have been pretty fun being the best dressed guy on the Metro, right? I mean, that blazer is crushing. Is that a new one? No, this one is just to be partially convincing for the act tonight. Now, what's interesting, I'll give you guys a little background. I'm pretty sure this is what, your third week in a row getting on? This is my fourth week.

Basically three out of four. Yes. And the first two times, I remember it was very religious, like Ten Commandment jokes and like what was the deal with Moses and stuff like that. So it's interesting that you made such an extreme jump.

It's sort of exciting that at least you're trying to what? To branch out to buses. He's writing new material. He's writing shit. He wrote that tonight. Which is why I hate

fucking improv. Give me the shit you worked out. That's admirable. Well, there is something fearless in really basically using the whole time to set up one punchline. That's pretty fearless.

And you did pay it off, which is pretty great. So there's a lot to be said for that. You obviously knew where you were headed, and you landed it. There's something there. You just started recently, right? Right. How long ago? I've only been seriously writing for a couple months.

I've only been performing. This is my first time. It was four weeks ago when Attell was here. Holy shit. How long have you been riding the bus? A lot longer. A lot longer. How long? Oh, how old am I? 27?

Fucking 14 years. Wow. You should have more material. Yeah, I have a driver's license I'm just a broke person where have you been getting up? have you been doing spots other than here? I've been going up at the improv in here at the open mic

do you go other places? not yet, I'm still looking at a couple other places I think Marty's is another place I looked at that Marty's I don't. Sal's. I've looked at that. Yeah. Marty's or Morty's. I don't even know what that is. It's death.

They make you pay, I think. How does this thing work? Is this some kind of scam bringer show? Do you have to pay to get in here for hopefully your lucky lottery ticket comes up like Willy Wonka so you can do 60 seconds in front of a bored crowd of friends.

Literally nobody ever pays to get in here. We've never sold a ticket for this show. I paid to get in. Huge heart. Yeah, the setup was like, I think what Matt said, that if you punched up the ideas a little bit more extreme. Because you almost sold it like you were really running for it, which is fine. I thought you were.

I thought you were, too. The payoff works. But I think if you took Matt's advice and made the setup a little bit more silly and crazier, that we would still believe it, but it would be a little bit more easy to listen to. Because at first, I thought you were really running, and you were using this time to get on a podcast

so that you get the word out that you're actually running for this. Yeah. More racist. That would make me vote for you. That shows some initiative. Is this a podcast? Oh, yeah. And then again, you could also just lose

all the jargon and just get right to the point, which is you ride the bus and you hate it and you were thinking about running for whatever but then you realized if you got that that you wouldn't be on the bus anymore. Yeah, you can make it almost one line. Well, he did say that he wrote this

on the bus today so you really have time to go over it. Yeah, no, but yeah, that's what I'm saying is I'm just saying when you hit the notebook tonight or tomorrow or whenever, you know, you could lose a lot of the crap. Crappy poo-poo. Crappy poo-poo.

Daniel, what else is going on exciting in your life? You still live with your parents. Oh, no, I do not live with my parents. You just look like you live with your parents. Thank you very much. So what do you have, a roommate? What's your situation? I live with my brother in Century City.

Ooh, fancy. What's your situation? I live with my brother in Century City. Ooh, fancy. What does your brother do? My brother's a chef at Goldie's and then a little secret joint on 3rd. I bet he doesn't take the fucking bus. Oh, he takes the bus. Living in Century City. Broke. Oh, wait. Listen to that.

That's a show that's fun. Yeah. That's what's happening in other places. Hey, sample that for the podcast. I'm on it. We're going to lay it all over. We're going to lay it all over this. So, Daniel,

how long have you and your brother lived out here? I've lived out here for three years. I went to UCLA and graduated a year ago. I transferred in there and he's been here only for the last year. What's your degree in? My degree is in political science. Oh, there you go.

Yeah. That's why I'm doing this. So every joke should be you running for something that's that's your hook go with it you just been crowned it I think you should totally roll with that fuck yeah Daniel

it was nice to see you again thanks Daniel that guy's got a hell of an Adam's apple alright the next comic I'm just gonna waver on Thanks, Daniel. That guy's got a hell of an Adam's apple. Alright, the next comic I'm just going to waver on. I'm going to waffle. I'm going to go, you know what? On second thought, that wasn't really

a really clever premise after all. But it's kind of clever. Go back and forth. First season, the last comic. I'm just going to fucking get on their ass. I feel like I've seen this name before. Put your hands together for Dusty Lester, everybody. Sit up here.

Close it, I try. Close your eyes. Picture me rolling. Six. Money falling. Bitches, honeys, they swollen. Rich. Not pretty.

Daniel White is at Dan O'Comedy. D-A-N-O-Comedy. Dusty Lester, everybody. Here he is. What's up, folks? Yeah. I'm going to go ahead and tell you all about the first time I started into comedy. Me and my girlfriend went down to this club in Atlanta, and I got inside.

I got on stage. I got about three or four words out of my mouth. And this big old black lady stands up in the background, and she's like, You ain't funny. You need to kill yourself. It embarrassed the daylights out of me. I put the mic in the stand. I walked off stage. I grabbed my girlfriend, and we left. And on the ride home, I was telling my girlfriend, honey, if you ever embarrass me like that again, why is it whenever you meet, why is it whenever you meet your girlfriend's father for the first time, he always looks at his daughter like she just brought home like a mental patient

or something. It's just like, why the hell did you bring this guy here? And I don't care. I don't care what it is. I can never impress my girlfriend's father. I can never impress my girlfriend's father. I can't do it. I just cannot do it. If I told my father-in-law that I got a job working as a sergeant for the military, he'd still look at me like I was a damn yoga instructor. That's my time. All right. All right. I like your style, Dusty.

How long have you been dating this chick? Probably six months. Six months. And you already met her dad? Yeah. What's his deal? He's just a dick. Why doesn't he like you why do you think what did she tell him because i'm not black and i don't have anything to offer down south

racism she's i've not heard about whites not having something to offer down south you've confused me there with that. Well. Is she black, Dusty? Yeah. Oh. That's the first joke. The first joke, yeah. Yeah, yeah, but that seemed like a joke.

Like some old black lady is your girlfriend. I thought that was. It was the bitter truth, but it was a joke, but it was the truth in the same sense. This is a pet peeve of mine is comics that have true stories that are true but they go and deliver them as though they're jokes and make it and see what i did their thing right yeah no go tell the fucking story right fucked a retarded girl that you thought was drunk and in the morning i don't know if you know the comic that has that story yeah they thought she was drunk and they woke up all in a van and found out oh she's still drunk no she was never drunk she was retarded and you

fucked her and then you dropped her off on a corner in little italy because she kind of looked italian anyway no sorry that's not even a good example. That's hilarious. Yeah, if you have a great story, you can't make it sound like a clever joke. Right. And that could be really interesting, too, that you're not accepted in a black family. Yeah, that's like backwards row.

You know what? It's actually, if you've got seven minutes on it, you could sell it as a sitcom and never have to write another fucking joke. Ever. There we go. That's my thing. I like it. It's true.

You could run for office. Doug is right about this. I didn't realize that your girlfriend was actually black. I thought you just paid off that setup. So knowing that your girlfriend is black changes the rest of the jokes right so so we actually didn't know that that's really the premise of the joke the opposite was was it daniel the last guy the opposite where we really believed that he was running for office we didn't believe you're dating a black chick for shit in in the delivery is it too late to say that my

girlfriend was white? What? Now you're confusing everyone. Wait, she was just in blackface? Now you're going to make me waffle the same way? I don't think you're clever at all. What do you mean? She really is white. I was just trying to be funny.

I can show you a picture of her on my phone. I promise she's white. I don't need to see the picture or whatever picture of whatever girl that used to be alive that's on your phone I asked you if she was black and you said yes I don't believe anything

I don't feel like I can trust you anymore I'm turning my back You really pissed on our faces by lying to us Your first album will be called I'm turning my back. You really pissed on our faces by lying to us. Your first album will be called Sea of Lies. Sea of Lies. You know how hard it is for us to all be honest for four minutes? He did have the energy of the evening. He really was.

Selling shit. Great accent. Totally. Selling product. Is yoga instructor a really bad thing to be? Also, a sergeant in the military is not that great. I don't know if you know that

or not. You could have so many better examples. Better polar opposites. You could tell him that you're a struggling stand-up comedian. Have you met the white dad then? What's really going on, Dusty, you son of a bitch? Are you even here?

Tell us the truth, Dusty. Are you even here right now? Is this a hologram of a different guy that signed up? All right, Dusty. It's Tupac. Have you met the white dad? Yes, I have. Can you not impress him?

Not really. Because you're white and he wants his daughter to get fucked by a black guy? Yes. I guess. Does he know his daughter's black? Does he know this? How does this routine go down at the Ha Ha Cafe? A whole different audience on the other side of the hill, if you know what I'm saying.

Do this one at Flappers. This is a Flappers bit. I wonder if right now somebody in the other room downstairs is bombing and they just went, you hear that sound coming from upstairs? That's a fun show they're having up there. Yeah, probably not. It happens a lot.

So, Dusty, what is the... Let me ask you this. What does the girlfriend do? What's her job? That her dad's so special Let's just give him a chance to be completely honest Is there any other lies In that set you want to tell us about now?

What's your boyfriend's name? Do you have a girlfriend? Are you from the south? Yes, Knoxville, Tennessee Alright, checks out Knoxville, Tennessee. Checks out. Knoxville? Nice town.

Archie. I think we should put an APP out on this guy. What does the dad do for a living? He puts in air conditioning. There you go. This guy's a moron. This fucking guy's judging you and he's blank

and blank years old and he's putting in fucking air conditioners. That's a miserable life. Air conditioners are heavy and that sucks. I can't imagine what that would be like driving a truck to some place. You have to go put it in. Everybody's always complaining. They knock on the door. It's hot in here. Help me. Every person's got the same complaint. Nobody gets an air conditioner when it's cold outside. That guy's got a miserable life and he's judging you. That's insane. Now you're going to lose your air conditioner installer people in the audience. They're going to

hate you. Fuck them. Get controversial. Right. Is the rest of your act, is it all about having an imaginary black girlfriend? No. So do you at one point go, that was a joke. I don't really date black chicks. I would never do

that. And then you move on? No. I actually once did date a black girl and then a comic friend and I was going over jokes one day and he thought it'd be funny since I had a black girlfriend in the past that if I put that in my act and surprised the audience, that would be good.

And it's always worked every time. Usually. Is your real name Dusty Lester? Yes, my real name is Dusty Lester. That's not a stage name. No. So on your ID it says the word Dusty? Yes, it says Dusty.

That's not short for anything. Dustin. There we go. But does it say Dustin on your ID? Yeah. So's not short for anything. Dustin. There we go. But does it say Dustin on your ID? Yeah. So he just lied to you. Yeah, he lied again. This guy's a liar. Why are you a liar, Dusty? Dusty's a liar. The guy that installs air conditioning, he lives in Knoxville?

Yes. And you live here? Yes. With his daughter? No, his daughter lives in Knoxville. She's moving up next month. Are you a drifter? He seems like he might have killed people. He has that look. Yeah.

You notice I have averted eye contact when I'm talking to him. What happened to this guy? What happened? He has the look of a guy that came here from Knoxville with one of those sticks with a bag on the back of it. He's a carpetbagger. This guy's a carpetbagger. With a bandana tied to the stick.

I know that guy. What are you thinking right now? It got really awkward, man, for me. You feel really awkward? Yeah. What about it? Because you lied to us? Yeah.

A lot? Yeah. Over and over? The whole time? Lies and disappointment and... Yeah. Do you get. The whole time? With lies and disappointment. Yeah. Do you get some laughs? Do you feel any self-loathing right now?

Whatever self-loathing. What'd you say? I've done this for 24 years. I hate myself for being here, and I'll hate myself in the morning. So get used to that feeling. This is it. Yeah. It's why you drink. Cheers. It's it. Yeah, it's why you drink. Cheers.

It's true. Well, is that a real Dane Cook t-shirt? Yeah, it's real. I don't know. Really? Are you a big Dane Cook fan?

Yeah, that's my biggest inspiration. For the first time tonight, I hope you're lying. Now Doug's gone. Jesus Christ, Dusty. You better be lying right now, Dusty. That better be ironic.

Yeah, it's probably good you don't use your real name. Oh, shit. You should probably never wear another comics t-shirt on stage. Because, like, hey, here's this better comic. Even ironically, I don't think it would work.

It's very odd. There have to be three jokes removed from the joke, I think. Where'd you get the Dane Cook t-shirt from? I saw him on tour and he was selling t-shirts outside. Torgasm? No, it was like... Torgasm's

the name of his imaginary black girlfriend, by the way. Come on! That was fucking funny. It's the only funny thing that's been said in this entire show what is it about Dane Cook that inspires you just his energy

I love his energy and I just love his jokes and his observation he relates to me very well except for the black lady of course wait what can you stop besmirching the name of a woman who never existed oh shit

well uh alright how long have you how long have you had that t-shirt for since I think it's October of 2013 okay just curious Dusty thank you so much I think it's October of 2013. Okay. Just curious.

Dusty, thank you so much. Dusty Lester. Yeah. Can we change the name of the show? I kind of felt like I was in the wings over here for a minute. Sorry. You should get rid of that shirt, Dusty. You should be a liar, liar, shirts on fire.

You should burn that fucking thing. Get Yakov Smirnoff on the back and then Dane Cook on the front. Is he serious? Buy every prior album immediately. But other guy, you should get Vic Henley on the front

and me on the back. That would be funnier. Would somebody walk me to my car? Dusty, I can tell you're really disappointed, bro. We're just trying to make a show out of all the stuff you just did. That was a hell of a minute. Probably the best so far,

so thank you so much, Dusty. Good job, Dusty Lester, guys. We had fun with you, man. It was a hell of a minute. Probably the best so far, so thank you so much, Dustin. Good job. We had fun with you, man. It takes more balls to come up here and sit with a fucking... That's why I said I feel bad picking on people, but that's what makes people laugh. He knows what he's signing up for.

I think we were picking on Dane Cook. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. I was fucking around with Jesus. Dane Cook will be at the improv walking in the front door at 1045 this Wednesday, 1045pm as he does every single Wednesday.

So you can meet him there and give him a kiss. Yeah. Give him a dusty t-shirt. You should wear that shirt. What's his What's his thing? Give him his hand signal or whatever the fuck it is oh wow you threw that up quick like some kind of gay gang member uh dusty thank you buddy i can't

believe you have a dane cook shirt he's on twitter i can't i also can't believe you're on twitter uh at lester dusty knoxville is an artsy town. Yeah. What was your black girlfriend's name? Lexi. Lexi. What was that short for? All right. Was that on her driver's license?

Lexi and Dusty. Lexi and Dusty. A match made in Knoxville. It's unnatural. Lester and Dusty. Lexi and Dusty. A match made in Knoxville. It's unnatural. Lexi and Dusty, you ain't right. Wow, we've seen this guy a couple times. It's unnatural.

This is one of our favorites here. Put your hands together for Tam Fam, everybody. Speaking of horrible shirts, quick story about this thing. I went to a custom t-shirt guy and I asked him, how much to put my Twitter handle on a shirt? And he said, that will cost you $15. And I said, that's fine. And he said, let me finish.

It'll cost you $15 and any chance of ever having sex he said let me finish it'll cost you $15 and any chance of ever having sex with any girl that has seen you wearing it so far he was right but that doesn't mean very much for my entire life I've had about as much success with women as I've had with praying for my ears to be human-sized. Maybe God is a woman now. So I haven't had a date in a while. It turns out women have standards. That's all right, though.

I'm not bitter. I have standards, too. Things that I try to avoid, I call them the killer bees. I stay away from women that have blonde hair, bangs or opinions I'm pretty sure this is the third time I've seen you and I've loved you all three times

you're such a goofball I'm going to wait because you have a history with this guy to see what the history is and then I'll comment he's just always making fun of himself and does a good job at it he always wears the same shirt

that's what I was waiting for except what's exciting is now we're getting into the winter season and this is the first time that he's rocked the long-sleeve undershirt underneath. He will adapt. So the only difference between this week and last week

is I'm planning on seeing him maybe at the end of December just wearing the same thing with mittens and a knit cap because I'm pretty sure that shirt's not going anywhere. Always be branding. And you've only got that one shirt. I've asked you that both times, right? Oh, yeah. So things have been going good for you, the comedy,

last few weeks, right? Going pretty well. You've been thinking about getting a second shirt. I know your parents probably work at a dry cleaner, so that's got to be... Anybody who just went, oh, with that, I hate you.

I used to... I won't name the comic, Bobby Slayton. I used to talk about how it was upsetting to me when he would just bitch about his wife. I worked with him at the Riviera like 20 years ago.

He said, my fucking wife, she's such a fucking cunt. That's something you can change. Don't sit there and bitch about something. That's like wearing a horrible shirt going, can you imagine how I've had to go through life with this shirt on? Take it off! You're literally the guy that I was making the analogy.

That's the analogy I would make I can't get laid with this shirt on then take the fucking shirt off stop do you get laid when you're not wearing this shirt? no no that thing about praying about the ears

that's true do you wear that shirt everyday though? wait you pray? sorry I mean you don't wear that shirt every day though? Wait, you pray? Sorry. I mean, you don't wear that shirt when you're not doing comedy. I'm not a nut. Well, I have to question your commitment.

It would be funnier for you to wear that shirt on a date than that guy wearing a Dane Cook shirt during a set. That would be funny. Would you ever wear a Dane Cook t-shirt? On a date? If Dusty came along with me and brought his girlfriend. You looked away in the halls before girlfriend there.

Which one? The white one or the black one? I was trying to decide. Would you ever consider using the Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of the Oh, God. As a headshot.

That would be the best album cover ever. That is such a fucking great idea. As a headshot. Oh my God. That is perfect. But with the t-shirt. It's got to have a t-shirt. Photoshopped on.

And you got to get on this quick before Bobby Lee hears about this idea. Yes. I will help you Photoshop that. We'll take a photo tonight. We'll look at the picture and I'll help you Photoshop. I'll do it tonight for you. That's hilarious.

If that doesn't get you laid, then you really got a problem. If you're not calling it dusty, I'll do it. The best part of that picture is I'm pretty sure the guy's not wearing a shirt. You can take that off and save yourself. Is he not wearing a shirt? I don't think so. Maybe a wife beater?

I think he's wearing a military thing. He's a cop. That black guy laugh is amazing. I feel like that's a sound effect. There's a black guy in here? Yeah, let's give him a hug. Oh, come on, Doug. Come on, Doug. Come back.

It's just a white guy with a really black laugh. Hey, I think he's got a sister. Tam Pham, have you ever been with a black woman? Have you ever been with anything other than an Asian woman? Yes.

What have you been with? White girls, Hispanic girls. Multiples of each, huh? White girls, Hispanic girls? That's exciting. What are you complaining about? Sounds like you're doing fine. They weren't free.

What's that? They weren't free. Whoa! Good work. So you got the $100 GFE at the... That's why you don't have money for more shirts. See, that's true. That's got to be a crazy part about being Asian.

If you're going to buy sex, you have to find massage parlors that aren't Asian. That's got to be like fucking, you know, trying to figure out a Rubik's Cube or something. I don't know. I'm not good at Rubik's Cube, so that's a challenge for me. I only tried a couple times, but...

Anyway... Do you have any jokes about that? Because that has to be hilarious. I would love to hear your... Do you do the massage parlor? Yeah, tell us a good prostitute story. I have a bit. I have a couple of

minutes on it if you want. It's already a bit. No, never mind. No, I don't have any good stories. That's great. Last hooker you got? How long ago? Six months.

Where'd you go? Internet or storefront? Craigslist. Craigslist? Really? Craigslist? Wow, that's fucking crazy, but I guess... I forget what it's like to be broke.

What's your big fetish? Getting fucked by undercover cops? Craigslist? That's risky business, man. Fuck yeah. So, uh, you use condoms with all these prostitutes?

Yes. Extra small? What are we dealing with here? Do they make them in your size? Smarties? Use a Smartie wrapper? That's a little bit of an inside reference,

but if you paint the picture, guys, that's a tiny penis guys Do your condoms say At TamFam comedy on them? Good work sir Just at Tam Once again I don't think you're really committed Tammy

Well uh Tam Pax we really really like you Yeah good job man funny stuff He's on Twitter stuff TamFam he's on twitter at TamFam Comedy so much fun I love his style

he's one of uh two awesome is there any single person in here that is here solely for entertainment

and not with a friend or hoping to be chosen out of a bucket is there even... No, you're not. You're Iggy Pop. You're here to fucking hopefully revive your career. Doug, these people here are civilians.

The people up there are the comedians. And the people here are the regular... Maybe we would have gone over this if I knew I was coming up here. All right, back to yours. Heidi, get me a drink. You know how I panic. Josh. Josh, where are you?

Josh, two drinks. Keep getting. Stella for Matt, too, please. Yeah, and I'll take a Crown and Coke, Josh. Thanks, Josh. Thanks, Josh. Drinks all around, Josh. Jesus will have some wine, Josh.

Maybe if we tip Josh when we come up, it'll act as a catalyst for the audience to take care of the staff. That's true. Tip your waitstaff, people. You must. Doug, guess what's cool? You've seen the show before. You might know this. We have two regulars that come on every week, two girls that come on and do a new 60 Seconds.

I was drunk. I showed up here. I heckled and left. That's the only time I saw the show. It was great. I felt awful the next day. It sounds likes. I was drunk. I showed up here. I heckled and left. That's the only time I saw the show. It was great. I felt awful the next day. That sounds like tonight.

It was great. And these two young ladies do a brand new minute each week. There are only two regulars. They basically like started here and they write a new minute

each week for the last 76 weeks. So we don't say anything about them afterwards. No, we do. We talk to them just about anything. About anything you No, we do. We talk to them, just about anything. About anything you want to ask them about or talk with them about. Going up first

tonight, she dropped out of her final year at the University of Florida because she did stand up here and has been here every Monday since doing a brand new minute. Put your hands together for the very funny and cool Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Guys, I'm in a bad mood today.

I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No milk. In case you want to know what Auschwitz was like. Being so serious. Lena Dunham is in a lot of trouble. I guess she has a book that came out where she mentions inappropriately touching her sister's vagina when she was seven and her sister was one.

And there's this whole thing about sibling molestation and everyone's freaking out. And I don't think it's a big deal because kids do weird shit. You know? Like my cousin put a carrot in his ass when he was four. So it's fine. When I was in kindergarten,

two girls humped during nap time. And the only thing the teacher did was take away their marshmallows. Which was sad because I really wanted that marshmallow. I heard that the government is suing AT&T which is the scariest thing ever because if the government ever tried to sue me

I'd just shit my pants. Like, you win. What's the government trying to do? I read something that they were trying to sue AT&T. It might not even be true. But I think it's funny. Whenever the government tries to sue anybody because it's just like how do you even fight that

right yeah that's definitely a premise yeah that was a great set Kimberly Congdon everybody that was so fun I really liked the first joke and I think you took away your milk into the other joke

yeah totally and I liked the lesbian part of the joke yeah all I heard was fingering a one year old yeah that sticks with you I just remembered I had a carrot in my ass since fourth grade. You look like a dead friend of ours.

Wow. That was disconcerting. It's flattering. Thank you. That's high praise. I mean, before she was dead. Cool. I got nothing else.

It's all you guys Kim was this your first Halloween in LA this weekend no it was my second did you have fun anything crazy happen well I just did stand up

I went to La Jolla and I was at the comedy store there oh nice with you yeah I was there too oh great I worked at Milk Joe no I didn't

I didn't who was down there with you guys we went with Mike Faberman and No, I didn't. I didn't. Who was down there with you guys? We went with Mike Faberman and... Rusty Dooley. Rusty Dooley. Oh, nice. And you guys all went up.

Oh, yeah. It was Rusty Dooley's weekend, Halloween. Yep. It was fun. That totally makes sense. Tons of people there on Halloween. Really? It was packed.

It was sold out. Seven people there on Halloween. Are you serious? There's nobody fucking there. Oh, that's so sad. Hey, where were you going with the government suing joke? Where were you heading with that?

Just the government suing anybody is scary because how do you even fight? Did you have a punchline there? No. After that, I was just going to panic. I thought she was going to go the other way with corporations own the government, so how does one...

Right. You and yourself. Right. Because corporations are stronger than government. And I thought that was the angle. Then I heard a Tweety sound and go, I'll never know. Never know. That is a good premise, actually.

My premise is better. Fuck you. You're going to pick her over me because she's cute. I was talking about yours. I was talking about yours. I had a better idea. I thought you had some really good laughs there. Again, you sort of knew where you were going and you headed for them.

Thank you. I think that was a good minute. Yeah. Very fun, absolutely. The girls bring it. They have it down to a whole system. And you do a new minute every week. Yeah.

Did you say 76 weeks or something? She knew what she was doing there. For example, she does the show so much that if she just starts a joke with a premise as her very last joke after doing good, that means that one of us, which you did, is going to organically write a better version of the premise that has a punchline,

and it only affects her negatively if we happen to ask what was going to be the punchline. Hey, can I get another cocktail? It's a win-win, yeah. But you did, and that's a pure example of you evolving to the game.

You and Sarah are the only two people that have anything like this where you're forced to not forced to, but you choose to write a brand new 60 seconds Jesus Christ. Fucking Don Barris just walked in. You have no idea what a hero that guy is to me. Windy City Heat is the funniest movie

that's ever been filmed. Yes, I totally agree. Windy City Heat for life. Always my number one favorite comedy. He's wearing a Dane Cook shirt. What the fuck, man? Kimberly, thank you so much. Thank you. Great job. Thank you, Kimberly.

It's nice to meet you. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Follow her on everything. She's great. And so is our other regular. Always funny, always cool. Sarah Weinschenker. There's too much feel. Just walk into me. What's up?

Yeah. Dust pans. Can't live with them, can't live without them. Never fully satisfied by a dust pan. There's always stuff that remains. Sometimes crumbs, sometimes crumbs and dusk dust not dusk

yeah dust pans they just never fucking fully do the job there's always a space between the floor and the pan can't ever just get it all clean can't just use a dustpan by itself it's a useless cleaning utensil alone you could use a broom alone

can't use a dustpan alone try it why isn't it just called a crumb pot or a particle tray why the fuck is it called a crumb pot or a particle tray. Why the fuck is it called a dustpan? Crush Fest. Wineshank.

Powerful. Fucking brilliant. Amazing. Love that. Just fucking love that. It's great. That is exactly in her style. That's her thing where she just talks about one small thing

and delves into it. So that carries on. Yeah. Beautiful. First line's fantastic. Thank you. Dustpan's an instant classic. And I'm glad somebody's stepping up to the plate with this whole dustpan thing.

Yeah. Finally. I was hoping that you would equate it to having a handicapped little brother. When you said it's no good alone. You got the big brother. It ain't going nowhere. Oh, it's no good alone. I'm the big brother. It ain't going nowhere. It's so great. It's the Stan Hope touch.

Yeah. Exactly. But it was perfect. Cool. New minute. Congratulations. There might be something to that line

of that line that's left. You know, you paint the picture. I'm saying keep everything the same. Maybe one thing to add would be like painting that picture a little bit better of that weird line that's left. You paint a picture. I'm saying keep everything the same. Maybe one thing to add would be painting that picture a little bit better of that weird line that it leaves when there is that.

After you say, there's always space and that gross brown, almost like a triangle-shaped line. It's like a line of Coke for a bomb or something. But with crumbs. Yeah, it's like a line of Coke

for a cockroach or something like that. Or like a shit stain in your retarded But with crumbs. Yeah, it's like a line of Coke for a cockroach or something like that. Or like a shit stain in your retarded brother's underwear. Yeah. Definitely got to get a handicapped brother. Get a handicapped brother.

You got to get a retarded brother. Jesus Christ. Or you can even think... Oh, sorry, you're right there. You can even think of things that you could use it for. Like, what are you going to use it for?

And you can think of stupid things. If you had a black girlfriend... Never mind. Well, you could get a black girlfriend mind I know one thing that belongs in a dustpan and that is dusty Lester's t-shirt what inspired this dustpan thing remember I was

talking to you about dustpans you're a wow yeah we were talking about dustpans in're a muse. You're a fucking muse. We were talking about dust pans in the main room green room. Oh, yeah. Because no one ever cleans there. And then he went into that whole thing about how they're useless

and they leave that little line. Can't live with them. Can't live without them. I don't remember saying it. No, I texted myself dust pans and then I left it alone. Let it marinate. Maybe I should revisit dust pans today and I

talked to my mom about dust pans. Is that like your thing? Like you focus on something? Because last week it was tin foil. Yeah. That's actually really, that's pretty cool. I mean, it seems like you have a sense of an identity. I've seen a lot. You need like

45 cleaning products and you gotta fucking hit that. Ajax is next I'll tell you this every condiment in my refrigerator has been covered by her salsa, ketchup, mustard horseradish and I think these things

when I see them sometimes I literally think of Sarah Weinshank when I think of the word condiments or like toppings are you a Seinfeld fan? Kinda. I love Curb. I'm more of like a Curb girl.

Yeah. Well, Weinschenk, that was a fantastic job. So do you go out of your way to avoid anything that's not completely minutia? Meaning... Meaning like is that a conscious choice that you not completely minutiae? Meaning? Meaning like is that a conscious choice that you're going to talk about? I just noticed that and I'm like, I feel passionate about it.

Yeah. Genuinely? Yeah. It is true. Like it bothers me. Like little things bother me a lot. I would describe it as OCD comedy. Yeah. And I'm like, the way you're picking at your three bracelets

and you're picking them one at a time, I imagine you looking at a dustpan. Dustpan, what's the funny thing about a dustpan? Dustpan, dustpan. What's the funny thing? There's a funny thing. Why is there always a line? There's always a line.

And you can make that into a beautiful thing. And that's how self-help should be. Yeah. Or just COVID. Own it. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's really interesting.

Sarah, you were awesome tonight. Thank you so much. That's Sarah Weinschenk, everybody. She's on Twitter at Princess Schenck. That's all one word. S-H-E-N-K. That's Sarah Weinschenk. Guys, this was so much fun. Doug, anything you want to

promote coming up? No, I want to quit. Stop following me on Twitter. You're quitting? Don't come to my shows. Wow. I'm washed up. Jesus, leave me alone.

The Doug Stanhope retirement announcement. Exclusively on Kill Tony, number 76. Retired in 06, I think. Come back. Matt Fultron, what's going on? Doc Ricketts in San Francisco on November 29th, and I'll be in Portland on December 5th, and Seattle on...

Where in Portland? I think the Hollywood Theater. Oh, that's the Ha Ha Cafe of the Northwest. No, I heard it was Flappers, dude. oh that's the haha cafe of the north no I heard it was

flappers dude um and December 6th in Seattle Washington it's on my website thefullcharge.com oh fuck

this is a podcast I forgot yeah yeah yeah no I'm in Australia and New Zealand all month fuck come out

and see me that's why you're retired dude yes well I thought I was retired sitting up here. That's so funny. Yeah, Australia is going to be fun.

Oh, fuck, it's a podcast. You thought you were promoting tour dates to just these people. I thought I was just goofing on some poor kids that are going to feel bad about what I said. No, Doug, you're great. Is there any place we can buy Doug Stanhope t-shirts? No. We have them, but we don't sell them. We hoard them.

We're hoarders of our own merch. Go fuck yourself. Try to find one. Paul, what do you got coming up? I'll be appearing on At Tam Fam Comedy. I'll be doing my big prostitution bit. And I got nothing coming up. I'm fucking here doing this.

What am I doing? I love it. Dusty fucking, what's his last name? Dusty what? Lester. Dusty Lester. Occasionally I look over and he still has that evil look on his face. He's never laughed once.

You may have promoted those dates too soon. Usually you can appeal to their ego and you mention that and they're like, oh my god. Yeah, it's going to be weird when he... He's fucking... He's flicking you off with two fingers. There's a deep thing in him. Yeah, there's something going on there. It's going to be weird when he hangs himself

by that Dane Cook t-shirt tonight. It's not going to be him. It's going to be like the opposite of Robin Williams. There's a lot of... No, no, there's people that will die, but he'll be the guy with the happy, smiley mugshot. There's a lot of rope and masking tape in his trunk. Yeah.

All right. I'm leaving before him. Play the outro. Thank you so much. Kevin Lee Light is on Twitter. Kevin Lee Light. Thank you, everybody who signed up, who took part. We are going to

Toronto. We'll see you guys. Thank you, live audience. How about that? Thank you, live audience, for coming out. So much fun. Bye. Kimberly Congdon, Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Doug Stanton. Bill Toney. 76.

I'm serious. Thank you. La Biblia Thank you. you