KILL TONY - KILL TONY #82

Episode Date: January 20, 2015

Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Black Patriot / Willie Hunter, Brian Redban - Date: 12/01/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Click on Tour Dates, and you'll find out that we're at the Ice House every single Friday. That's right, Ice House Friday Death Squad Show. Check it out at IceHouseComedy.com. Also, this Friday we're going to be in Vegas also. Death Squad Vegas. And it's going to be at the South Point Hotel and Casino. And here's the best part.

It's free. Free, free, free. And, yeah, it starts at midnight, Friday night. Actually, it starts at 1230 a.m., but that's too confusing to say Saturday morning. You know, fuck that. So it's Friday. Just say Friday at midnight, all right? It's the Dirty at 1230 South Point Hotel Casino.

It's me, Sam Tripoli, Jason Rouse, Rosie Tran, Yoshi, it's the Dirty at 1230 South Point Hotel Casino, it's me, Sam Tripoli Jason Rouse, Rosie Tran Yoshi, Yabayashi and it's gonna be a lot of fun so come check it out, it's free but it's first come first seat, so if you want a ticket, you have to get there and get your seat, or somebody else will have it

you know, that kind of thing also check out Kill Tony every Monday at the, uh, America, whoa, uh, at the, uh, fucking shit, at the Comedy Store on Sunset, um, so check that out, uh, every Monday, 8 p.m., in the Belly Room, also, uh, go to shopsquad.tvtv and you'll find all the official gear of the Death Squad universe including t-shirts, hats, we got mugs, posters, stickers

we have all that crap and don't forget to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com get some Goldie Goldie Han stuff memorabilia, he's a big Goldie Han guy, so check out his shit, and also Goldie Han stuff. Memorabilia. He's a big Goldie Han guy. So, check out his shit.

And also, this episode has Tom Segura and Christina Piszczewski. Of course, you know, Your Mom's House. Old Death Squad show from back in the day. And Christina has a brand new CD. Cassette tape. An album out. Man of the Year. Check it out. it's on iTunes And don't forget to check out Tom Segura on Netflix

Completely normal Such a great special I loved it it was great And this also has Pat Reagan In it and he has an album Smells like shit on iTunes So check it out thanks a lot guys Here's a new episode of

Kill Tony tunes so check it out thanks a lot guys here's a new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from the road famous comedy store for a brand new episode of kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Fuck yeah, positive feedback already. Hi everybody, happy Monday to you. How's it going? It's like a real show. Packed audience here. We are Josh Martin-less tonight, our usual little helper who usually runs around.

Had some crazy stuff happen over the weekend, and he is currently suspended for a week. But standing in, put your hands together for David Deary, everybody. Come on up, David. Say hello. Take a bow. We found the first guy that looks exactly like Josh Martin. And we could only have one Josh replacement. We actually have, because Josh actually does the two jobs.

So we had to get a second guy. You guys give it up for PDC in the back. Yes. PDC crushing. Currently keeping the guests and our patriot in their chamber, just like Josh would do in this situation. Put your hands together for the wait staff getting us liquored up tonight. Very important deal.

That's a big part of it. I'm loving life right now. Life is good. Things are exciting. I'm going to Denver to headline an entire weekend at the Comedy Works. That's great. One of the best clubs ever. Yes. Very, very excited about that. Other things Comedy Works. That's great. One of the best clubs ever. Yes.

Very, very excited about that. Other things are happening. Life is good. We are doing a fundraiser in the main room of the Comedy Store to get brand new speakers in this belly room. Yes. December in the main room. It's like in two Wednesdays.

We'll talk about it next week. Super powerful show coming at you. We're going to have all of our favorite people on that show in order to raise new money for brand new speakers. We realized tonight that this entire room, the sound has come down. Not we, but this room has broken so many speakers that there's only two speakers actually here. One small eight-inch thing hanging from the ceiling over there and one small one right over there. I think it's car speakers also.

I don't think that's supposed to be for microphones of a comedy club, one of the biggest comedy clubs in the world. Yeah, and this show and Roast Battle and the Ding Dong Show are all insane shows that happen here. They're all running off of 14 inches of speaker right now. We're going to try to fix that. Instead of bitching about it every week, we're just going to do a show. All the proceeds go to buying a new sound

system for the value room. That's right. That's a very important deal because sound is important in the comedy world. Speaking of beautiful sounds, let's get right into some awesome shit. This musical act for tonight is

one of my favorite comedians. I fell in love with this guy a few weeks ago when I saw him perform a hilarious song. Last week we had him on and he did an amazing... I love his style. It starts safe and then all of a sudden he was talking about fucking his best friend Greg's dad.

Put your hands together for tonight's musical guest, Pat Reagan, everybody. Here he is, in the flesh. Thank you. I fell off the face of the earth today You told me to leave and I begged you to stay The sun went black, the sky went gray I fell off the face of the earth today Greg's dad left me for another baby boy

I saw you at the movies Ba-da-da-da-da-da Pretty sure you saw me too Pretty sure you saw me too Your new boy toy looked yum-yum Ba-da-da-da-da-da I kept playing peek-a-boo Kept playing peek-a, kept playing peekaboo

But there was nothing I could say, nothing I could do Cause I'm the only baby boy for you I saw you at the cemetery paying your respects to Greg His fat ass would not believe The way you treat me now I saw you in your bedroom I was watching from the fire escape Your new boy was there

Wearing nothing but a towel He makes love like an untamed demon And you start to hum a Peter Gabriel song And suddenly my hands, they are covered in semen I live outside your window I track your every move I fucking track your every move Today you got lunch at Subway I live outside your window Today you got lunch at Subway Today you got lunch at Subway

And dinner at Subway too Dinner at Subway too I swear I'll win you back If it's the last thing that I do Cause I'm the only baby boy Yes, I'm the one and only baby boy And I'm the only baby boy

for you Pat Reagan, everybody. I have his album. You should, too. Find it on iTunes, SoundCloud, everywhere. That's Pat Regan. That's spelled P-A-T-R-E-G-A-N.

Not like Ronald Reagan. It's announced like Ronald Reagan. Pat Regan, but there's no A in that. Follow him on Twitter at Patty Regan. P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N. I absolutely love him. David, you're already doing a fantastic job. I'm going to bring up tonight's Patriot.

Every week we always have a head of security to keep us safe. This week is a return Patriot. I'm very, very excited to have him. He's one of the funniest comics, a great comedy television writer, writes for shows like Dionne Cole's Black Box and numerous other great things. Also, we do stand-up comedy together pretty much every single fucking night of the year. It's one of my best friends, one of my funniest pals.

Put your hands together for him. It's the one and the only Willie Hunter, everybody. Here he is. Thank you. There he is. Look at this. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Heck yeah. Look at this. Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

Heck yeah. You look fantastic. I went no mass tonight. That's perfect. You're like the new Black Stormtrooper. This is amazing. This is like the beginning of that Star Wars trailer. And I'm really excited about that.

It makes sense. It makes'm really excited about that. It makes sense. It makes you feel better, sure. I did this just to be able to do that joke that I just did. I literally I'm like, I gotta have Willie on as the patriot with no mask. I originally was thinking Jamar because he looks more like the guy. But Jamar

wasn't available. No, I'm kidding. I went straight to you, Willie. You know when I need a uh you know when I need a black guy you're you're my guy I felt like you know I'm Billy Dee Williams but if he took it off he was a stormtrooper like he took the helmet off would that blow your mind as a Star Wars fan would if Billy Dee was the first thing that we saw yeah that would be amazing I wouldn't know whether it's for the new Star Wars or for Colt 45, and I would take it. I would take it either way.

Has anybody ever called you a young Billy Dee Williams? Yeah. Really? You say it like you get that, and you don't like it. No, I like it. Have you ever thought about, you know, getting into the commercial business? No, I haven't, but I definitely can sell some

McNuggets. I feel like I could. You definitely would be great. Not only, that's great casting on your part. You do look like you could sell some chicken McNuggets. You look like you have that McDonald's face. Thank you. Like America is welcoming to you. You're a

likable, young, light-skinned black man. Aww. That's what America can handle right now. America has shown that that's about the limit. No, I'm kidding. I'm serious. A black stormtrooper, that makes Jackie Robinson's thing go down

a little bit. First black stormtrooper is a really big deal. I'm serious. In cinematic history, that is a really big deal. I'm serious. In cinematic history, that is a huge fucking deal. Honestly, I think he's not really a Stormtrooper. I think he's hiding in a Stormtrooper outfit. I know. I totally agree. There's no doubt

about it. Aren't they all clones? Yeah, they're totally clones of all the same guys. He's definitely not a Stormtrooper. I was going to wait until another episode to break that news, but you got it going. I'm glad to have you, Willie.

It's always fun to have you. You excited about tonight's show? I'm extremely excited. I love these two people that are guests tonight. Me too. In fact, fun fact, I don't really listen to Kill Tony. How's that? How's that for a little admission? I don't listen to it.

I love it, and I live it every Monday, but I don't go back and listen. Honestly, even the first time I was on Rogan, I had never listened to an episode of Rogan. When I listen to podcasts, I swear to God, this is the only podcast that I listen to. I swear to God this is the only podcast that I listen to. These two do it together. They are unbelievably hilarious, married, wonderful, the happiest, coolest people I know and the

hosts of the Your Mom's House podcast. They're here in the flesh. Christina Paczynski and Tom Segura. I have been trying to book this for a year and a half. I have asked them every Monday if they are available for a year and a fucking half. That's not a joke. Every Monday, these two get a text.

How about this Monday? I'm in Tuscaloosa. How about this Monday? I'm in Wincaloosa. How about this Monday? I'm in Winnipeg. How about this Monday? Seattle. But here we are, the total eclipse of my heart. Kaczynski, Segura, Hinchcliffe, Hunter, and Red Band.

With producer credits of PEC and David Deary. David Deary. What's up, guys? Yeah, this is great. We usually have food for you guys, but our chef started dating a guy. Did you get the story? Is that what happened?

Wait a second. Oh, shit! It just arrived! Holy shit! Wow, you just saved her. Holy shit. We are just about to go crazy. Her best friend just saved her.

She's catering a Christmas party. We were about to be such assholes. You're such a screws, Rick Bantz. You're not getting a salad, are you? The Grinch and the Hinch over here. Thank you so much. The food is here if you guys want to eat during a podcast. Those two things go great together at the same time.

Tonight she made us a mixed green salad with chicken apple, sausage, goat cheese, pomegranate, arils. She must have written this. Something like that. Roasted pine nuts and poppy seed vinaigrette. You get to take that home with you. I think that might be best for home

and not for during this. Salad, not really your best finger food. No, we don't have forks too. It's not good for recording probably either. Right, yeah, exactly. And not for during this? A salad? Not really your best finger food? No. We don't have forks, too. It's not good for recording, probably, either. Right. Yeah, exactly. Good stuff.

Willie, these salads have chicken apple sausage on them. Now, as a light-skinned black guy, I would imagine the chicken apple sausage would be something you really like. Well, I'm concerned about the sausage. Right. Yeah. And the apple.

Oh, the chicken I'm fine with, of course. I love it. Wow. Well, there you go. We just got interrupted with food. Yep. Yeah, that was great. That just happened.

Tom, you've been on this show before. Christina, this is your first time. I'm so nervous. I'm racked. I'm going to vomit for these people. The Tom Segura Bird Chrysler episode, by the way. I'm sure you got some feedback from that. Yeah.

That was insanity. That was really fun, man. That was a good time. I'm so glad that you two are so busy. It's like, so you say Ferguson, and then she argues for the cop, and then I argue. Is that right? Tell her how to do it. That's the game.

It's called Ferguson. No. So what the fuck was I just going to say? You said that the Burt one, it was crazy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The show with bananas. It was unbelievable. And the feedback from the podcast that I've done with you guys

are out of control. Well, you're one of the most popular guests of all time. And so is your mother, Joy. You guys got the exclusive scoop that my parents had mob ties at one point, which was the point

in which I was growing up with them. Your father's name is? It's Joey. Wait, but his first name is? It's Joey. Wait, but his first name is Joey. Yeah. And then the restaurant is? Joey. I love it.

It's the Joey. You don't even, it doesn't need plural. It's not Joey. It doesn't belong to Joey. It's just Joey. Joey. It's not multiple Joey's. It's me.

My name's Joey, but that's the name of the place. Put an accent mark over the E. I swear to God. Anyway. Wait, over the E? Yeah. Like he's fucking Portuguese or something? I'm telling you, there's a little accent mark there. It's insane. He's out of control, this guy.

That was the best scoop ever. We had my mom call in to the show that I was on with you guys and she talked about what it was like running numbers and being a racketeering guru. I actually was at the advantage in that I had already met her.

I met your mother when we went to Columbus. Nice, super nice lady. You would never guess she was in the fucking mafia. Yeah. You would guess that she would dial 911 immediately. Get some forks. Oh, shit. Forks, everybody. You would dial 911 immediately. Get some forks. Here we are. Oh, shit.

Thank you. Forks, everybody. There's a fork party. Want a fork, Brian? Sure. What's that for? Are you going to buzz people and stuff? You'll see.

What happens is comedians come on. They all sign up for the chance to do one minute on the show. They know it and they love it. Yes, one minute. What happens is they perform and then we talk to them about anything afterwards. Maybe it's about what they talked about. Maybe it's about something else. Anything can happen. But the minute has to be about Ferguson.

No, no, no. That's a really good idea. That's like a whole new twist on the show. That's true. Bring your best Ferguson minute. No, I'm kidding. We won't do that. But I do love that idea. Maybe next week. That would be love that idea. Maybe next week.

That would be a great idea, actually. Have a new topic. Cosby jokes? Have a new topic. Oh, Cosby. What's up? What's up, Leo? That's a great idea.

No. No. Rudy. No. No. Why did he force his pootie into all those Rudy's? It's not a consensual. What do you guys think about this?

Because I know Cosby was a huge part of your life. Your dog is named. Our dog's named after him. Our dog is named Theo Huxtable. Yeah. Wow. Which we're having it legally changed now. Yeah, we're going to court him.

Yeah, I swear to God. We have to. I've been obsessed about it all day. You can't name your dog after a known rapist. It's like naming your dog Charles Manson or Hitler. No one names our dog Hitler. No, but you can...

But it responds to Theo Huxtable. No, it responds to FIFO because we've been calling him FIFO anyways. So we're legally going to change it to FIFO. I've got to go to the DMV tomorrow and change his name. I love it. I love that. What do you think of it? What is your opinion on that?

Bill Cosby. It's interesting. A couple weeks ago, I had a different opinion. I said, you know what? These girls knew what they were doing. Bill Cosby, these people don't help you in real life. They're not going to go, here, you're great.

Here's a manager. Go take off in show business. People need to know that. They're not going to go, here, you're great. Here's a manager and go take off in show business. And people need to know that, that that's not how the business works. And these girls that were hanging out with them, at least the one interview that I saw, she pretends like she didn't know what was going

on. Like somebody roof-eater or something. And the truth is Wait, they did. Oh, yeah. That did happen. That's the difference between the two weeks. I'll give you first time because some of those girls came back multiple times. Oh, I didn't know that. I don't know the details. Because they're getting paid like a hooker.

There's a lot to the story that we don't know. If he was actually using roofies... I think he was. I think that's the big... Maybe his lovemaking is just so good that they pass out and forget exactly what happened.

Has anybody ever thought maybe Bill Cosby just fucked so good? You know what? It's always about taking a different angle, and I like that one a lot. I just thought of it right now. I'm actually pretty excited to test it out later on stage.

A lot of people say fucking Cosby. You know what I love? I'm already trying it. Oh, sorry. No, it's okay. I love that every picture they print of him in correlation to the story is like brrrr. He looks the worst he's ever looked. It's so true.

Or his wonky eyes going around. His eyes going crazy. They find the ones where they're looking two different ways. He hasn't shaved and he's like, ah. Like, did you get drugged or did you drug somebody else? And all the shit freckles came out, too. He's got the shit freckles. Yeah, he has the Morgan Freeman shit freckles.

Yeah, he does. They go, like, in, too. It almost looks like you could make a plaster and pull it out. Someone just farted on his face. He does. He has fart freckles. He does have fart freckles.

I think the cause did it though. I think it's pretty obvious. The defenses of him are a pretty big stretch now. It's 19. Right. You know, 19 people say you're kind of an asshole. You're pretty much a fucking asshole.

Yeah, that's it. It's a lot. Yeah. 19 is a huge number. It's a lot of people. Yeah. And they're all, the funny, the latest ones are when they're like, they're like, yeah, like, I would have fucking ate his ass if he asked me to.

Yeah. Like, the girl who was, like, all into him, and she was like, but then he drugged me anyway. And it's like, well, I would have fucking ate his ass if he asked me to. The girl who was all into him, she was like, but then he drugged me anyway. And it's like, well, that's what he does. But that's the fun, Tom. That is the fun. But see, I always go like, hey, play dead. Don't move. But I don't have like, I don't like put something in your drink.

Just lay real still. Lay real still. Don't breathe. Yeah. I'm really disappointed in it because I actually had him scheduled to be the guest on this show next week. And he cancelled only because of this.

He was a fucking hero too. I'm a big fan of his. He was a hero, but isn't that crazy how you can just whitewash everything? It's all Hannibal's fault. No. Just kidding. Now the only sitcom worth remembering from that time is Roseanne.

She now holds the throne. That's real. Strangely enough, he never drugged and tried to fuck. That's the only person nobody would try that on. Classic Roseanne Barr. Every week, the Patriot has one question for each of our guests.

Patriot Willie Hunter, what do you got for our guests tonight? I guess since we're talking about Bill Cosby, I have to ask Christina this question. Sure. Have I been raped by Bill Cosby? That's a good question, but that's not the question. Because a lot of male comms are considered creepy. What is the creepiest thing in male comedy?

You don't have to name any name yeah uh that someone's done to you absolutely i mean how much time you got outside of me though outside of you yeah i'll tell you the one of the very first creeper moment i had it was actually in that belly room and it was the first time i ever did stand-up was in this room back in like 2000. Thank you. I don't know, too. I was doubled over with diarrhea. Like severe diarrhea.

You know how you do stand-up in the beginning. I was doubled over from the morning until night and I had just gotten out of the toilet and some creeper comic, I'll tell you who it is later, I guess. Is it the Puerto Rican guy? No. I know who it was. I swear to God I can just tell. Is it the Puerto Rican guy? No. I know who it was. Do you know?

I swear to God, I can just tell from... Are you for real, though? I can literally feel it. And if I'm wrong... Wait, can I whisper and you'll tell me if I'm right? No. No, I like him. He's not creepy. He's not creepy.

Yeah, and I was just severely diarrhea-ed, and he was like, is this your first time doing stand-up? And I was like, yeah like yeah i'm just some real nerd and he kept trying to come on to me and just be creepy and i was clearly not having it did he know that you had diarrhea yeah that's the thing is i am very open about it i was like i've been shitting all day like wow this is the worst hell of a guy that's what i'm saying like I was so clearly out of it and not in the place of like, I'm really into this dude. Were you hanging out with Bill Cosby that day?

What was going on? Yeah, there's many others. He was like, check it out. I'll tell you. My question for you, Tom. I've been doing comedy for a while now, and I try to carry myself as a righteous comedian. I only do things that I want to do.

Has there ever been anything that you've done as a comedian that you don't feel proud for? You got paid, though, but you're like, why did I do that? The money was not worth it. Every week. Oh, man. There's so many gigs that fall into that. What is the one thing that's top of your head right now?

It could be a commercial or an acting spot or a gig. Cherries berries. because that no i don't regret that though i mean yeah it was big but you know um you know i mean like there's gigs that like you accept you know the terms you're like those are dog shit terms to do and then you go I'm gonna go do it anyways and then while you're there you're like why did I lower myself to this like I just think of like horrible rooms

I mean TV wise pretty much all you know I did this show called like it was called like Final Justice or something where it's like those reenactment crime things. And I did one of those. You did?

That's awesome. But I did the thing where I was like, there it is. And then like... You were the cop in it? You were the detective that finds the... I was one of them. And I was like, can I do more? And they're like, just fucking do that. I'm surprised you were the detective.

I'm surprised you weren't the thug. Yeah. No, I've been asked to do that. She was talking about, I did a Subway ad, but it never aired. And you know Jared, right? So Jared can only plug healthy sandwiches. And they're like, we need someone to plug our unhealthy stuff. It's true. it's true it's true and this it's true this is great though so they're like you'll be jared's brother and like and they're like uh like he'll be like try eat this turkey sandwich you'll be

like what about a meatball sub? So back and forth. And the character's name was Jerome, right? So as we were about to shoot it, they're like, we're going to do a name change. And I was like, why? And they're like, it's kind of a black name. And I go, yeah, it is. But you're fucking Subway subway so do whatever you want and they're like we're gonna show you what's the new name and they're like jermaine

that was the character's name yeah are you serious yeah true story and they a grip of money too it was a fuckload but the the money like the big money didn't kick in unless they started airing right so you got paid some money and they't kick in unless they started airing. So you got paid some money. And then as soon as one airs, you get the bulk payment. And then Subway's head of marketing got fired. The new person was like, fuck this campaign. And cut it.

But we shot a few of them, yeah. So how was Jared? What was Jared like? Jared is like fucking John Lennon. But it's fucking Subway. People walk around, they're like, God damn, you're the fucking man. They all kiss. He's the mayor of fucking Subway.

Wow. And then there's rumors. We shot this years ago, but people were like, I think Jared's put on a few pounds. This is after he's lost all his weight, but they're like, you've Jared's put on a few pounds. This is after he's lost all his weight but they're like, you've got kind of jowls now. And then he was like, what the fuck is that shit? People were just talking about his weight

and then he invited me to his hotel room after we shot and he was like, let's get a pizza. And I was like, fuck yeah, dude. Get the fuck out of here. Really? Unbelievable. That's the best. But it didn't really answer your question

I didn't regret it at all it was just like one of those things you didn't care you reached a level where you're like I don't care anymore that was pretty early on I was like 24, 25 so it wasn't like

I was not looking down on it. It was just a bizarre kind of thing. Jared was really in his prime back then. Jared looked fucking good. Ladies hit on Jared a lot. So crazy. Really? Yes. That surprises me

knowing that he would just try to take you to Subway five days a week. He's got the eat fresh money. Eat fresh money. Eat fresh money. Eat fresh money. He just, dude, it's fame. He's famous. That's a really recognizable guy when you think about it.

Think about how famous he is. He has never had a job. Because he lost that weight at like 22. He's still their fucking spokesman. He's been like 15 years man wow oh my god it's crazy imagine being his like wingman or his cottage cheese man or whatever he would be his buffalo wingman so you guys split a whole pizza huh no did he try to you played the character that you were playing during the shoot.

He had a buddy. I think he had a buddy who was like, Jared, it's two paces already. Take it easy. Wow. He's got the guy. I love it. Guys, let's do this.

Oh, my God. Okay. Over 30 comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage. You know your time's up when you hear that sound of a kitty. Did you hear that? That was a little kitten. I know, right? Let's hear what it sounds like.

There it is. That's how you know your time's up. That's a very important part because that's the format of the show. So don't run your time or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I can't wait to hear that one again. That sounds very exciting. West Hollywood bear. I'm really excited.

Yeah, that keeps them in line. They wrap it up like that. Well, they like Tom, too. Yeah. That's the East Hollywood bear right there. Yep. That beard. I love it.

Let's get it started. You guys ready? Kill Tony 81, by the way. 81. Wow. That's number 81. Episode 81. And it will start with the

comedian named Ken Gar. Alright, Ken. It's good to be back. It's an honor to be here on Kill Tony, especially today, December 1st. I am three years cancer-free today. Three years. Thank you.

It took my wife forever to die. Cancer-free. She didn't die. We got divorced. I didn't want to get divorced, but my wife's boyfriend was insistent. He's a good guy. They're getting married. I am dating again, which is weird when you're 37. You don't want to be dating. Yeah, it is weird. My pickup line right now, because I'm sick of it, is, so do you wanna? Like, that's my pickup line.

Because if not, I'm going to go home and make a hot pocket and put a heating pad on my back, because I'm 37 and my back hurts. I don't give a shit if you come home with me. I got PlayStation. I'm going to be in the Super Bowl tomorrow. I got a big game to get ready for. Guys, that's my time. Thanks so much. I'm Ken Gard. Ken Gard. In and out. 53 seconds of hot fire. Fuck yeah.

Wow. Well, that's interesting. You're 37, huh? Yeah. And you've really been single for the last three years? Yeah, four years. Four years. Yeah, she just got remarried two days ago. How'd that make you feel? I didn't have any feelings.

It was weird. What? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I had no feelings. I felt like I should have feelings. What do you miss most about her? Nothing.

You hated her. Yeah. You really hated her. You hated her guts. Yeah. She didn't even have cute nipples or something? No. Something that you remember? No. But she broke your heart. Yeah. She didn't even have cute nipples or something? No. Something that you remember?

Did she really? But she broke your heart? Yeah. Badly? Yeah. And how devastated were you for how long? Probably like a couple years, I think. A couple years.

Yeah. So you're coming out of it now. Yeah. And you are dating for real? Yeah. That's good. Yeah. Did she break your heart with the guy that she just married?

No, it was a different guy. Wow. It was a guy she met in San Antonio. Oh, that's the worst. That sounds like some kind of country song or something. Wait, how long were you married for? We were married for just under three years. Oh, okay.

So not a long time. Yeah. So we didn't have any kids. Can I tell you what I really like about you? When you started with, like, I've been cancer-free, I was like, oh, fuck your mother. She really dropped her head. Yeah, I dropped my head because-free, I was like, oh, fuck your mother. She really, she dropped her head. Yeah, I dropped my head because, like, I always, I get,

then that makes me feel bad as a person. I'll be like, oh, shit. Because, like, my mom had cancer and, you know, I hate it. But then I like how you twisted it. Yeah. And I saw, like, a little bit of, like, Rodney in you, like Dangerfield. Like that whole.

Rodney King? Rodney King, yes! Oh, no. But I really, I just want to say I really like that. I really like that. rodney king rodney king yes but i really i just want to say i really like that i really like oh thanks are we supposed to say things like that on the show exactly yeah i really enjoyed that okay i saw rodney king's i wanted someone to beat this shit no i actually i love i love like the kind of the kind of mean misdirect jokes, especially to start a set. And it's a great way.

I love that because when somebody opens a set like that, especially when you're doing a longer set, and you get a response, you kind of know right away what kind of crowd you're dealing with. Right. Because if they're like, that is not cool, then you kind of know what you're in for. And if they laugh, you're like, this crowd's fucking into this.

It's going to be fun. I like that as far as taking the temperature because you kind of figure it out in like 10 seconds. Yeah. I like what you did a lot. I thought it was really funny. How long have you lived in Los Angeles? About 13 months now.

Wait, where are you from? Chicago. Oh, shit. You're a fucked man here. You know what I mean? Because you're my favorite kind of guy in that you're like a normal dude. As you can see, I'm married like a normal dude.

Oh, boy. Look at that. You know what I mean? Like Midwestern-y. Just plain and normal as it gets over here. Like potatoes. You know what I mean? I grew up in L.A.

and I get it that it's hard to fucking live here and to date here. It's hard to fucking live here and to date here it's gotta be impossible to cause like you're competing with like hot actors and shit yeah but then again that's no they're hot yeah but that's yeah

but wrap it up I'll just have that salad and then we'll go but that's kind of your advantage, bro, is that you are like this normal fucking dude in a city full of crazy people. So there's a lot of women, I don't know if they're in this audience,

I don't know, that maybe want to marry a nice fucking normal Midwestern guy. Look at that. Stay single. Don't listen to her. We're in Los Angeles, the one city you're not supposed to date

or get married in. Yeah. This guy that your ex-wife married, what's his story? You Facebook stalk him or anything? No. You know anything about him? I got a bunch of tweets. Not tweets.

I got a bunch of texts one night that she posted a picture, and I guess he's like a Filipino version of me. What? Yeah. Wow. Like bald. Yeah, he looks. So I checked it out. I don't see it, but I had like four different texts from four different people.

He looks like you. The Filipino version. Yeah. A Filipino? Yeah. She married a Filipino? Wow. She went off the grid.

Do you take this Manny Pacquiao to be your... See what I did there? Is she Asian? Only works if it's a marriage Filipino. Is she Asian? No, she's not. She's white. She's Irish Catholic.

Irish Catholic. Yeah. Wow, you fucked her up, man. Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah, it was a marriage Filipino. Asian? No, she's not. She's white. She's Irish Catholic. Irish Catholic. Yeah. Wow, you fucked her up, man. Yeah, dude. Yeah, man. Yeah, it was a good one. To go there? Wow.

When she marries the dry cleaning guy, that's fucked up. Another thing that I like about you is that you're not L.A. Like, you haven't been L.A.-ified yet, and I always envy that from comics that come from somewhere else to here. Like, you're so, like, I could smell it on it on you like this bro is not from L.A. And that's not a bad thing. I grew up here. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just saying like it makes you actually really unique because you do have that Chicago-ness to you.

Hold on to that. Don't give in. Don't fucking lose it. It was hard. Like stay who you are. It's hard because I'm experienced. Keep wearing that Chicago White Sox jacket. Yes!

The day that you give in to an American apparel hoodie with white strings and... Right. My Obey t-shirt. That's when you're in. Don't buy the glitter shirts. You know how it happens with male comics? They get the midlife crisis. They get the 20-year-old girlfriend.

They get the fucking glitter shirts. You know what I'm talking about? We the midlife crisis they get the 20 year old girlfriend they get the fucking glitter shirts you know what I'm talking about we're talking about this guy

I see it every fucking day yeah it's the worst is this your second time on here

third third time on here yeah my third how long have you been doing stand up

like 10 years yeah you seem like I was just gonna say you seem like you're a professional already so fuck him Ken Gar great job Ken Gar he's on twitter at comedian like 10 years. Yeah, you seem like you're a professional already. Fuck yeah.

Ken Gar. Great job, Ken Gar. He's on Twitter at Comedian Ken Gar. See, it's fun. That was great. That was positive energy. It's positive energy. Yes, definitely. We need drinks. I'm going to have a Crown and Coke, a bottle

of Pellegrino. No, no, no. I'm doing booze now. Yeah, me too. We're switching it over. Can I have a Chardonnay? Chardonnay. Heineken? A bottle of Heineken. Where is this going?

She's ready. She's fancy. To her right there. Can I get Jack and Coke daddy size? Daddy size. Daddy size. There you go. You mean little boy size.

No, that's daddy size. You mean I didn't have a daddy size. Drink those feelings away. Can I have one of those hats, Bri Bri? I love your dolphin hat. Can I have one? I don't make these hats. Really?

You should. What's his name stole that from him? Seth Rogen. Yeah, Seth Rogen. I thought I saw that on Instagram. Yeah. What do you mean? He wore it.

I found this hat. It's a long story. I found this hat in the clearance aisle somewhere. And I was like, oh, this is my new favorite hat. And then no one I found this hat. It's a long story. I found this hat in the clearance aisle somewhere. And I was like, oh, this is my new favorite hat. And then no one else has this hat. And then he fucking starred in a movie wearing the hat the whole time. It was that last one. Neighbors.

He wears that hat the whole time. Creep me out. I thought he got it from Red Band. I really did. I was hoping that he took it out of your hand at the store. I'm being serious. Really? Yeah.

I thought, like, it's not. I don't hang out with celebrities like you. Mr. Mike Tyson. I heard about this. Mr. Jared from Subway. What the fuck, man? I'm A-listers only, man. Jared from Subway.

What's up? Weren't you like one of the top ten urban comics or something like that? You just got voted for something. Top ten urban comics or something like that. You just got voted for something. Top ten urban comics? No, I'm not a top ten urban comic. I am on the top ten hip-hop jokes of the year from like hip-hop.com

or something. You didn't tell me that. That's a huge honor. You didn't tell me that. By the way, since he's here, let's just mention hip- honor. You didn't tell me that. By the way, by the way, since he's here, let's just mention hiphop.com is Willie Hunter's website.

So he actually wrote that article. Wow. I'd love to have you on BET someday. I've been on BET. Yeah, I did one mic stand.

He still hasn't gotten paid years ago. That's so funny. You know what's crazy? When we did, sorry, when we did, I did One Mic Stand on BET, and when I show up to tape it,

a guy that lives in our building is there, and I'm like, dude, what are you doing here? He's like, I'm a producer on this show. What are you doing here? I was like, I'm doing stand-up, but you don't know who's on your fucking show? And he's like, all right, cool. And then we taped the set,

and then Kevin Hart's the host. This is before he really exploded. And I see the guy in our building. And I go, can I get a copy of that? Since you're a producer. He goes, yeah, I wouldn't know how to get that, though. And I was like, but you're a producer on it. Can't you just call someone else?

And he was like, I can give you a number to call. And then I called. And I was like, can I got a copy of my set, and they're like, nah. Right. A producer is a word that is thrown around a lot in this town. Everybody's a producer.

There's a whole line of producers. There's a whole art form to knowing what type of producer you're dealing with. It's a type of producer. The difference between associate producer and executive producer is so big. It couldn't be any bigger.

It should not have the same work. It's the difference between an Olympic athlete and somebody being wheeled in a bed to a surgeon. Yeah. Yes. That's true. With that said, I pulled another name, everybody. I wish you were Urban Comic of the Year. I really do.

You know what's crazy about you working with Jared from Subway? What? You know who I worked with? Who? I shot a commercial with. Who? The Geico Caveman. No.

Really? Yeah. I sure as hell did. He's a cartoon. Oh, no. I booked the commercial with Ryan Mervis, the big red-headed bartender that looks like a Viking big guy, and that's where we made friends.

Anyway, the Geico caveman, here's what's crazy. We go to hair and makeup, this whole huge crew and everything, bobbity bop. There's still no caveman. It's getting down to like 20 minutes before shoot time, and we're like, fuck, man, we're going to be here all night. Where's the caveman? He hasn't even been in hair and makeup yet.

The Geico caveman pulled up in a fucking Toyota Prius already in makeup, ready to go. I swear to God. He was in caveman makeup? All the way. He was the Geico caveman. He pulled up. It was this

big shoot up in the Disney mountains 40 minutes north or whatever. It's just barren land. You see this Prius coming from forever away. It's the only car on the street. We're watching the headlights approaching because it's a night shoot. He gets out of the car ready to rock. By the way, crushes the entire

time. He crushes. It's like you're watching some fake comedy movie happen because he's lighting everybody up he's like don rickles in real life he crushes the entire time the director will give him some advice but then he just starts directing the director like he's like don't you think uh maybe from like there and she's like totally and then everybody just you want to talk about kisses their ass I mean they were kids like one take now. They just replaced Geico with uh with a with a lizard They replaced the caveman with that little

Yeah, he was one of the guys from the TV show it wasn't the main guy So I think you ever had brawner on this? Yeah. Bronger? Yeah, twice. Oh, you have had? Yeah. Did he tell you? You've got to get him to tell you the Michael Jordan story next time. I don't know it. He shot a commercial with Michael Jordan.

Oh, shit. Fantastic. That sounds great. Guys, your next comedian goes by the name of Damien Holmes. One minute. Damien Holmes. It's about to happen. Right now.

Some girls are sadistic, materialistic. Looking for a man makes them all about to miss it. Damien Holmes, everybody. Hello. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm straight. Okay, sure. Okay, weird thing to cheer about. I'm not scared of being gay.

There's a lot of straight guys scared of being gay. Don't really get that. I heard one guy say one time, I'm scared to blow a guy. Because what if I like it? Why are you scared you're going to like it? That's the best possible outcome. To be blowing a guy and be like,

this is pretty good. Are there more of these? Billions? Let's keep doing this. I'm a big fan. You should be scared you're not going to like it. You should be scared. I'd be like, that's exactly what I thought it was going to be. is pretty good are there are there more of these billions let's keep doing this i'm a big fan you should be scared you're not gonna like it that's what you should be scared i'd be like that's exactly what i thought it was gonna be no thank you i had a friend one time he didn't know if he was gay so he put an ad on craigslist that said uh i'll blow you um and i don't know if you guys know so you put an ad on craigslist that says i'll blow you you're gonna get replies people are very interested uh so he did it and i met him and uh and i was like how'd it go man he's like not a fan and i was like that's a long way to go to find out you're not gay uh just straight

starting with blowing guys i'm scared of oysters thank you thank you. Thank you very much. Awesome. Damien Holmes. I think this is the first time I've seen you, right? Yeah, first time on. Where are you from? Orange County. Okay. Yeah.

Born and raised? Born and raised. Wow. How old are you? 23. Oh. He's got a baby. That's why you're talking about sucking dicks and stuff.

Oh, yeah. You know, because dicks are so new and stuff. How long have you been doing stand-up? Coming up on three years in January. Nice. Thank you, meow. And you do it mostly out of Orange County. Yeah, Orange County, San Diego.

You're saying in that one joke that your friend put a post on what that said I'll blow you? On Craigslist. That just said I'll blow you. Basically. Yeah, that shit does get a post on what that said I'll blow you? On Craigslist. That just said I'll blow you. Basically. That shit does get a lot of replies. I took a picture, I put a picture of Bert Kreischer on Craigslist.

When we were in Hawaii and he was like shirtless, he was laying and I wrote a post like you know, I'm in my hotel room. I just want someone to come in there and just dig me out. Just don't ask questions. Stick it in my mouth.

We monitored the replies. It was like a hundred in ten minutes. Just a torrent. It was all just dudes, pictures of it. I'm coming to fuck you right now. Did you give out the hotel room number or anything? No.

But it was cool just to have his image up there. Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, I love gay culture. I lived in San Francisco in the 90s for college, and my favorite was this magazine, like, in the personals, because it would literally be like, I love stinky, stinky sweaty smelly nuts are your balls smelly

meet me in the back of Home Depot and you're like how the fuck you can fuck just like that when you're gay it's so awesome when you're gay you can't fuck like that not straight people women and women maybe now

now with Grindr and stuff if they had unisex bathrooms like where boys and girls women and women. Maybe now, yeah. Now with Grindr and stuff. If they had unisex bathrooms where boys and girls just went together, there'd be like 30% more kids in this country. People would just be banging inside a Walmart. But back to your joke, the first joke.

All these poor people that just can only fuck because it's free. They would just do that all the time. Wait, what happened? Did I the time. Wait, what happened? Did I lose everybody? Yeah, what happened? I actually feel like with a dick joke, there's so many angles that are done.

Your logic on it, I love great logic in a joke. And so I love that joke. Thank you, man. Thank you. Don't rush it, though. Yeah, I was. I know. But when you take it slower, that's going to always, you know what I mean?

Don't be afraid to slow down. Okay. Thanks, man. Thank you. What were you doing before stand-up? Do you have another job? I worked retail. Sold Catholic school uniforms.

Oh, lucky. That's awesome. Wow. Yeah, that's, yeah. That's awesome. Wow. Yeah, that's, yeah. Are you sure you're not gay? Pretty sure. Pretty sure. So how do you sell those?

What do you do? I mean, they're all the same, right? Yeah, well, you have to awkwardly tell girls what size skirt they are, and that's not, that's never, that's very. Get the fuck out of here. Wait, do you go to their home? No, no, they come to a store.

No, no, that's not... It's not that personal. They come to like a store? They come to a store. It's a... Because I went to all girls' high school. You have to go to like the uniform store. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's where you buy your shit. Oh, and you're the guy, and you're like, you got a tight little body on you. No. That sounds like a dream job. What are you, like a two? Yeah, what are you like a two?

I can get you into two. You know, normally I have them go on the knee, but with your legs. Yeah, I am. That sounds like a great job. Have you had girls flirt with you in that position? Come on. You're a good-looking guy in Orange County. Well, thank you.

You're the uniform guy. You've got to be kidding me. Yeah, well, I hope. I mean, they're all obviously underage. So, yeah, I hope not. Where you're like, hey, that's underage. So you hope not. Where you're like, hey, that's a nice skirt on you, 13-year-old. What about the 16-year-olds? You're like, that doesn't count.

Or seniors. You can fuck seniors. Did you not have raging fucking hard-ons with some of them? For real. Did you ever get leaky, like a little leak? Be honest. Be honest. Did you?

I did not. I'm a professional pervert. You've had a boner before. Well, they're kids, Tommy. Well, I'm not talking about the young ones. Seniors. You mean the fucking seniors. Right, right, right.

Some of them, they're 14, they look 17. You know what I mean. Fucking humber humber. Can I tell you something? you're like a third year comic you're 23 years old you know what's great and I've always felt this way and I don't think I've ever said this and I probably shouldn't but

I don't trust male comics that don't talk about their dicks let me tell you why you're at the stage and you're a stand up comedian I know a lot of male comics that go through the masturbation, dicks, right, that's what you talk about your first few years, is your dick and shitting. Me too, and I'm still on shit jokes.

I love them. But I love that you're honest because I don't fucking trust male comics who don't talk about dick stuff, touching their dicks, sucking their dicks, and weird stuff because those guys are the perverts, the derelicts, the guys that are going to drug you and rape you.

Don't trust a male comic who doesn't talk about his cock. I want to talk to you all about some things. Yes, because they got demons, and you're exercising your demons, and that's great. Well, thank you. Thank you. I agree with that 100% too. I demons, and that's great. Well, thank you. Thank you. Yeah. I agree with that 100% too. I mean, you've only been doing it a few years.

Right, right. But you obviously, like, you know, the thing is, man, like, that, I don't know how to phrase it another way, but that the logic stuff is I've always been a big fan of it. Like, that's kind of like, I feel like the best guy at that for years has been, like, Chris Rock, where he, you know, throws a subject up throws a subject up and then he breaks down. People love seeing – they don't know where that's coming from, but when you present the logic, it's exciting. It's funny. It's daring.

That's the fun part. I love doing arguments. Yeah, yeah. It's like arguing. Bill Burr, amazing. Yeah, yeah. Do you still work in the uniform business? No.

Unemployed right now. Got some savings. I'm just trying to do comedy right now. Saved up a lot of money making the uniforms. Yeah, Yeah. So do you still work in the uniform business? No. Unemployed right now. Got some savings. I'm just trying to do comedy. You saved up a lot of money making the uniforms. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting.

Where do you live now? Are you in Hollywood? No. I'm still in Orange County with the parents. Oh no. You got to move out here. Holy shit.

Get a roommate or five. What religion are they? Nothing really. What religion are you? Nothing. So when those Catholic school girls were coming in for the uniform, were you ever like, you know you don't have to believe any of this stuff?

I was a cool salesman. Wait, how was our childhood? Was it good? Yeah, it was just a regular one. Oh, fuck off. It's good enough that he's still at home at 23. Oh, that's true. Yeah, shit. So do you have a basement or a bedroom? What's the situation? I got the old bedroom. Everything home at 23. Oh, that's true. Yeah, shit. So do you have a basement or a bedroom? What's the situation over there?

I got the old bedroom. Everything from the childhood. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Did you guys have a code word for when an Asian girl would come in to buy a Catholic schoolgirl outfit? What?

There were a lot of international students. Like, straight from China. Did you get a hoagie delivered? Oh, some fat sows just got delivered. Wow. Did your parents ever, did they ever think it was weird? Did they ever think, like, oh, my son's fingering fucking seventh grade, like, girls in uniforms? Or no?

It didn't bring it up. That didn't come out the right way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But did, like, did they ever think you were weird or no? Fingering the students? Yeah. Whatever. Did they ever think, you know, like, why are you selling uniforms?

Yeah, well, it's their business. They're the, yeah. Did they ever think, why are you selling uniforms? Well, it's their business. Oh, now it makes sense. Whoa, the big reveal. You've been working for your parents the whole time. You need to save yourself. But you don't anymore. Seriously.

No, no, no. But here's the crazy thing. My dad sells Catholic school uniforms now. The job before, he sold lingerie. Your dad's fucking these girls. There you go. There he goes, everybody. It's Damien Holmes. Thank you, guys.

Thank you very much. Good job. He's on Twitter at Damien Holmes. All one word. H-O-L-M-E-S-S. Tweet at him. Be his friend. That's so true.

That's such a progression. His dad's doing some fucking, man. Yeah, he wants to. Oh, totally. Ew. Do what you love. Do what you love. That's right.

He can just tell. He must say that like once a week. His dad. Is there like, you realize that the Catholic schoolgirl uniform is supposed to be something that the girls feel, I don't know. It's supposed to be modest. You're supposed to wear it to your knees.

Immediately. But that's what makes it hot is that it's supposed to be forbidden. Now, the last time I saw it, it doesn't even look like it's trying to be modest. It actually looks like it's trying to be a hot outfit.

Why aren't they wearing scrubs or something like that? They're so short. Like sweatpants. They do. They have them in Catholic school because what happens is

you're taught to wear them properly, the uniforms, but then teenage girls, you want to attract boys, so you hike the skirts up and it's human nature. Guys come up. Yeah, they roll it up.

Yeah, you roll it up. You do the fucking roll, man. I remember. You roll it up. I went to a Catholic school for 12 years. I saw a girl, I mean, you could see Bush.

You cannot see. Especially with the mirrors and stuff. Stupid. Where are you looking? Just online. School girl uniforms. Oh, okay. I'm excited about the name I just pulled out. I believe this is her first time on the show. She is one of the newest

employees at the comedy store. So here she is her first time on the show. She is one of the newest employees at the Comedy Store So here she is comedian Davina joy I'm psychic y'all I fucking knew it was about to happen. I did my I Look like sideshow Bob's daughter. I've had to accept that for my entire life. But my dad is Jewish and my mom is Muslim. I've had to accept that too my entire life. It wasn't easy. And so they sent me to an Episcopalian boarding school

and then I ended up at a Catholic school, high school as well. Logically, right? I mean, I knew nothing I didn't even know Jews and Muslims weren't supposed to like each other like in my household I just thought moms were bitches and they fucking yelled a lot and dads had no spinal cord and they were backless wimps that said okay Sherry whatever you want and that's what happened so i'm a very strong woman uh but jews is you know your mom has to be jewish to be a jew and your dad has to be muslim to be muslim so jews never wanted me and muslims never wanted me i'm not black enough for blacks to want me or white enough for whites to want me so i'm single y'all. Nobody fucking wants.

And that's it. That's a minute. There we go. Nailed it in a minute. You gave all information about yourself. Self-deprecating yet informative. Wonderful. Very much so. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been focused on it for a year now. Like just over a year.

October 18th was a year. So it's like your first year in stand-up ever. Yes. But I've been laughed at my entire fucking life. Of course. Yes. I went to a white school. I was a black girl. You were the token? I was the fucking. We had one of those too. I'm coming out. Where are you from? I grew up in Virginia. D.C. Virginia.

Fairfax County. You were the black girl in D.C.? I was the black girl. Hold on. Let me say Virginia then more. You were the black girl in D.C.? I was the black girl. Holy shit. Hold on. Let me say Virginia then more. But yes, I grew up. I mean, my dad was a lawyer.

So we grew up in a wealthy area. And mostly white. Now, which one's your dad? Your dad was the lawyer. He was. Your dad's the Jew. That makes sense. And your mom is the what?

Muslim. Wow. She's black. Really? I mean, well, he's German, Ukrainianian latvian jesus christ african portuguese that's horrible yeah i'm the united nations yeah and it's kind of hot no you're like the worst part of the united nations i am you're fucking right he's right no he's right i can that's okay willie coming in defense for the color of carpel.

When I die from suicide, it's just the Muslim one. You know what joke I thought you had coming? You said, oh, I thought, I didn't know that Jews and Muslims hated each other, or how they were supposed to be. I just thought that moms were this way and dads are this way, right? Spineless dads and moms yell a lot. But I thought you were going to make a joke.

It turns out that Jews are like this. I'm waiting for you at that point to get away with a really harsh racist joke. Oh, yeah. You can get so great on Muslims. You can totally get away with it. There's a lot of funny fodder there.

Domestic violence, beheadings. For example, a Jewish Muslim, if they kill somebody or if they die, they get 99 virgins. But for you, 50. I have actually tried to develop a joke about like when I die like who is

gonna meet me like who's gonna claim me want me pretty much I'm in limbo it's gonna be some dude that just like you like a Lenny Kravitz or something like that Devina how old are you I know you're not supposed to but who gives a shit are you an adult or are you

I'm 33 but I'm 14. You know what I mean? You look fantastic. Thank you, I'm black. And also, you are black. You're so lucky. Are you really 14? Because if you are, Damien's going to fit you for a uniform.

Dude, I would have fucked the shit out of Damien. There you go. Yeah, you want it? Please do. Damien, please report to the bathroom. Damien, please report to the bathroom. Damien, please report to the bathroom. If I had walked into that uniform, I have a Catholic schoolgirl in the park sitting on a dick,

but we won't talk about that. Oh, man. But I was going to say that because you look so young, but you have the presence of an adult. I can't tell how old you are. But it's so hard as a comedian. I think that takes 10 years just to be yourself up there. At least for me it did.

Just to be comfortable enough to be like, here's who I am. This is what I'm about. That takes fucking years. So you're so ahead of the curve, or the curb as you say, that you're – you know what I mean? I appreciate it. You know what you should do though? I realize too with this experiment we'll say it's like a minute at a time.

But you convey a lot of information in that minute. Yes. We know more about you than anyone. Yeah, we know so much about you in a minute. Is that, like, write your informative sentences down and, like, kind of space them out. So you'll see, like, all the times that you're giving information. And then in between them, just try to tag the shit out of them with jokes so like you make that that's a statement like i always thought parents supposed to be like this or like nobody wants me and then joke joke

joke like and then you can start tagging all your information with jokes and find out what is the strongest joke in there yeah because you got real honest at the end you were like and i'm this and this so basically nobody fucking wants me. And I was like, ah, that's fucking great. But instead you were like, so I'm single. Throw away that. Tell the truth. The truth is nobody fucking, but nobody fucking wants me.

It's hilarious. Are you bipolar too? Well, I'm not diagnosed. Oh shit, that's the worst kind. I smoke a lot of weed. I smoke a lot of weed. I smoke a lot of weed. I have it under control. You can't smoke yourself to bipolar, though.

No, but you can smoke yourself out of it, Tony. If you could, I would have that drug dealer. You can smoke yourself out of it. I'm saying I am bipolar. The weed chills it out. Gotcha. But remember this in your head. Be more racist.

You don't have to tell this bitch to be racist. I'm with you. I'll do it. You have license to be like so. You can say the crazy because you're white and black. I do have an anorexic joke that has to do with the Holocaust.

It hasn't been hitting. Everybody has an anorexic joke about the Holocaust.ust yeah fuck off and as a female comic everybody goes isn't it so hard and yes it is in some regard but the other part of it no one expects you to say shit especially because you're cute so that's your license to ill man you can say all kinds of crazy shit and they're just going to be like oh can you believe you believe it? Oh, look at the dumbass. It's fantastic. You could talk about it. Don't flex your tits. Especially when you're flexing your boobs right there. Yeah, you have to be careful.

Brian stares at the girl's boobs all the time. So if you do anything weird, I'm a hopeless dancer. I can handle some tits. Why don't you talk about that? I did in Arizona for like four and a half years. Four and a half years? You're a fucking vet. You're not like somebody that like, I tried in Arizona for like four and a half years. Okay, so that's... Four and a half years? Yeah.

So you're a fucking vet. You're not like somebody that like, I tried it for a week. Damn. The money was good and then 2008 happened. That's what killed it. 40, 80, 120? You were a topless dancer?

Yeah, four years. You didn't know I was a stripper? So you're used to getting laughs on stage, huh? There you go. That's right. You can't come on. Actually, the truth is yes, because I'd be on stage just being like, fuck you. All right.

There you go. There she is, everybody. Thank you, guys. Love you. You're the best. Davina. All right. A lot of responses on that one.

Very chipper. Four years. I think maybe she watched a documentary about comedy in the 70s and was like, I'm going to the comedy store. I'm going to do a bump of coke before I go. She has a lot of energy, though. A lot of energy. You know what I was thinking?

I was just looking over her shoulder and I was like, those compliments are for me. Wait, what? I thought those compliments were for me. Did you want them, Willie? Just because you two have the same haircut doesn't mean you guys go to the same barber, obviously. We do. I love it. Four years as a stripper?

She was a stripper for four years? Would she get her degree in it? What the fuck? I didn't even catch that part. Being a waitress is enough to kill you. What's up with that watch? What's up with that watch? What's up with that?

Oh my God. It's like binoculars. Yeah. Look at this shit. There's a compass, a thermometer. Show that watch. It's crazy. It's got four different things. Who makes that?

This one shows how much blood's in your stool? Nobody makes it. It was custom made in a... No, I'm kidding. Amazon.com. It's like 15 bucks. It's made in China. Little Chinese hands. Little Chinese. Amazon's amazing.

I get all this crazy shit for like 12 bucks. Through yourmomshousepodcast.com. That's what I do. Click on our banner. Click on the banner at the your mom's house podcast. Experience together for your next comedian, Tim Warner. Oh, yeah.

Let's go see the stars. The Milky Way. Even more. Look, we're all dead in the end. So I think I believe you should live life with some passion. You know, like there were these three tornado chasers in Oklahoma that died in their line of duty chasing tornadoes, whatever the fuck they do.

And the headlines the next day read, they died doing what they love. And that statement kind of bothers me because we could say the same thing for heroin addicts. You know what I mean? But we don't. I've never read a headline that said, last night a young man died while chasing a dragon.

Oh my God, that's so tragic. No, you should have known John. He died doing what he loved. Like, I don't know if you guys know this about heroin addicts, but hear me out. They love heroin. You can fucking Google it. It's a Snapple fact, number 943. Anyone on heroin tonight, they'll go into the bathroom, they'll look for a vein, they'll end up thinking about you, and then mainline it in their taint just to hide it from you. That's a passion that most

people don't have. So maybe we need to turn off the beers and realize they died doing what they love. I love it. Tim Warner. Boom. That was great. I love it. Loved it. Have you done heroin?

No. Other drugs? Yeah. A lot? Yeah. I can't tell by my eyeballs. Yeah, you can. You're sort of like if Jimmy Fallon was high as fuck.

Yeah. That's so true. Like the Tonight Show is every night for you. What's your drug of choice? DMT, if I can. Wow. Fuck yeah. Look at this guy going straight for the home run.

Going deep, man. How many times have you done DMT? I've only done it twice in the last two years. How about before the last two years? Mostly just shrooms, acid, weed. Love it. A lot of drinking. Did blow when I was homeless for a bit.

There we go. Winter, winter, chicken dinner. Homeless. How long were you homeless? How long? I was homeless like 10 months in New York City. In New York? There you go.

Wow. During the winter? No, like the end of February to about Thanksgiving. Holy fuck. That's brutal. That is so crazy. Right before you were homeless it was my first year

at comedy for real yeah and what did what were you like leaving school or leaving a job

what happened what happened um drank a lot with this girl named Rita wait hold on let's dial it back a second yeah Wait.

Hold on. Let's dial it back a second. Yeah. So, before you end up homeless, your main memory is Rita and drinking. Yeah. Yeah, she'd get me fists ahead of C, and then she'd go out to those fish concerts in New Hampshire. Oh, fuck them.

Yeah. And then she'd come back with the chocolate frog-type mushroom fucking things. They were fantastic. Wow. Where are you living, though, at the time? Before you're homeless. Are you living with Rita? Yeah. Oh, you're living with her. Yeah.

I was crashing on the couch. And she was like, you gotta get the fuck out? Pretty much. Tim, are you positive Rita ever really existed? Yeah, that's my Tyler Durden. If she just kept getting you drugs, maybe she was a drug dealer. Were you paying for these? No, I wish, but no. I seem to have that effect on women.

Where were you crashing in those 10 months? It was so cold in February. Well, Tribeca is really good in the summer because you can be right on the water so you can sleep on a bench. It's very well lit and very kind of money. Just a backpack? Yeah.

What about before summer, like February? Well, if you can scrap some money together, the subway or if you want to jump a turnstile, you take the N train. That's roughly like two hours so I can judge time really well. If I fell asleep, I could tell by what stop.

He loves it. He's dying right now. You're crushing. Did you ever have homeless sex? Did you ever bust some... What? That's what I want. It just seems like

it would be warmer. I have a follow-up question. I did jerk off in an alley once. That's super homeless. Yeah. It was weird. I almost came on a rat, which was interesting.

What kind of alley was it? Was there like a Wendy's there and you saw the girl with the pigtails and you're like, I'm doing this right now. One of my comedy buddies bought me a Spank Mag because he figured I was down on my luck. Oh my god, a magazine. Holy shit, that really is the bottom. You jerked off to a paper publication?

Forget where you were sleeping. Now I feel bad. This is great. I'm a reader. You're not homeless now? No. What part of town are you living in? I'm staying out in Long Beach.

Staying? I'm here for two weeks. Then I go back to New York. To New York. Do you live somewhere in New York now? Do you have a home in New York? Yeah, I live in Long Island City at the moment. Okay.

Good, good. This lady's clapping. Obviously, you've slept on her front yard once before. You have a very Doug Stanhope vibe to you. When you first got on stage, it was like, oh, man, it sounds like Doug Stanhope. Are you a fan of Doug Stanhope? Do you have any comedy?

My Mount Rushmore would be Bruce Car Carlin, Pryor, Hicks. Cool. Love it, because you're so dark, and I just love it. I love those two that you just named. I love your album, by the way. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Wow.

Yeah, the main thing is I do not want to see a really together version of you. No. You know what I mean? Yeah, most people don't. No, I'm serious. I mean, I feel like it's really, like, you're a good performer, and you know how to, like, play into, like, you saw what people are responding to even in the conversation.

You know how to play into it. You're obviously a sharp performer, but, like, no one wants to see you fucking, you know, clean-shaven and smelling good. No. It's very true. If I'm doing shows and comics notice I don't have a beer or something, they get really upset with me and they buy me drinks. Upset with you.

It's like, what are you doing? Are you trying to get your shit together? I'm like, no, I'm not eating kale. I just don't want to drink at this moment. I fucking hurt. The last year and a half has been rough. I could see you being like the dark hero. Yeah.

Like totally like a Stan Hope. Yeah. The dark lord. I love it. Do you want to stay in New York? Or do you have any... Thinking about coming to LA at all? I don't...

This has all been surreal like the week that I've been here. What happened? It's just broken every stereotype that I've had of LA. You've enjoyed yourself, right? I'm actually having fun out here and shit. It's pretty badass. Sorry for the weather this week. Yeah, it's better weather to be homeless in too.

No doubt about that. It would be awesome if you toured for like a year homeless. I tried doing that with Occupy. It's called featuring. A little bit when that was happening. Oh, you tried to jump on that movement in the middle of it?

Well, no. I got asked to do the Zuccotti Park like five days in. One of the dudes who wrote the Constitution, the Occupy, saw me. Wait, they had a Constitution for the Occupy? They had a declaration of something that in the beginning they had. There were three gentlemen that wrote it, and one of them seen me do stand-up and was like, hey, we got like fucking 7,500 people at the time down here.

Would you just do some comedy for them, whatever? Oh, yeah. How many were left when you were done? Tim, that was a lot of fun. Thank you so much. Nice to meet you, Tim. Tim Warner is on Twitter at IamTimWarner. That's all one word.

What a mess. He's a wonderful mess. That guy's a wonderful disaster. Never straighten up. Yeah, we meet a lot of fun people here. It's always a blast. Well, I really like that. We're on to the part of the show now where our two regulars every week, two girls

write a brand new minute. They perform on this show, a brand new minute every single week. Great. That's awesome. They're the only two regulars. Good. And they're here for us tonight. Okay, good. Your first comedian tonight. You know her from the Dysentery podcast and this podcast. Always picking

at something normal and goofy and making it something bigger. It's the hilarious Sarah Weinshank, everybody. I know you're a good friend. What's up? Saw some bad belts this last week. Saw a really bad western belt. It's like a home plate right in the middle of this guy's look.

And then I started thinking, why belts? Are they supposed to be fashion pieces? Or is someone like, you know, the human body, it fluctuates. Sometimes you're heavier. Sometimes you're thinner. Sometimes you want to eat more. You want to have options. We have to create something that can give us that.

Someone's like, yeah, the belt. Done. And then the thing with belts is that if there aren't enough holes, you feel like a jackass. But you feel really good if you have to puncture your own hole in. Fuck yeah.

I guess we would call this week belts every single belt I have to do the whole every single belt this one I'm wearing right now doesn't even fit I need to be right here what are you saying

that you have too big of a belt I have too big of a belt well stop buying the biggest possible belt and get the next big size big belt. It makes you feel good, though, if it's like you got room. Like, we're still good. I like the whole belt buckle thing because I never understood the belt buckle shit. Like, the whole cowboy, like, huge metal plate covering his dick. Was the joke, the line in the middle

of his look, purposely delivered like that? Sorry, I just got excited. I didn't want to talk about that first. I just wanted to remember to say it, so I talked about it first. But then you know that that was actually one of the funniest things.

That was super funny. You just say it like that. Where are you from? The Valley. No, me too. Where'd you go to high school? I went to high school at Louisville.

Do you know where that is? I'm sorry? Just say the name of the high school again. That's what it is, guys. That's where I fucking went, bro. Whoa! the name of the high school again? That's what it is, guys. Louisville. That's where I fucking went. Whoa!

Are you serious? Yes. That is unbelievable. The full the Kill Tony super eclipse. We are bringing We, you know what that sound means. We are guaranteeing You know what that sound means.

We are guaranteeing with on episode one of Kill Tony, June 2013, that if a comedian and a guest ever went to the same high school, that everybody in the audience, I still have it written down here, wins this exact amount of money.

$47 each. Everybody gets it. Why you no ass? Why you no ass? Why you no ass? Why you no ass friends? And we here at Kill Tony are going to have that benefit show

to raise that money next April 2015. So hopefully you'll all be part of it. Hopefully you'll retweet it. Louisville High School in the Valley. You both went to high. No, it's so random. No, it's a small.

And then I went to Crespi. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. Don't listen. I'll tell you, it's very rare because I see it. Wait a second. That's where Willie went. I'll tell you why it's weird.

So weird. Because it's a very small girls Catholic school did that guy fit you for your outfit? no that's why you're so comfortable in skirts in skirts? wait what was that Freudian? second take

second take that's why you're so comfortable in skirts actually don't fix it now you you son of a bitch. Willie Hunter just had a Freudian slip from three-point range. Did you hear that? That's why you're so comfortable in squirts. I mean, bobbity, bobbity, bobbity.

I've, in ten years, I've never actually been with you when somebody else also went with you. Yes, motherfucker, it's a big deal. I've uh in ten years I've never actually been with you when somebody else yes motherfucker it's a big deal where did you go even people from here like where you're from whatever it's very random

but here's the thing I can tell about you okay is that you've got like this is gonna sound fucking terrible okay so you had the same

science teacher she knows what she's talking about is that like girl okay I love that you have a personality I love that you have a personality i love

that you're a full person i like that you're doing something a little weird i like that because it's so uh especially for female comics it's so easy to rely on like just being like cute or hot or whatever and i love it when i see girls not doing that you know what i mean like you're very beautiful obviously i don't mean that like you're not but i like that I like that you're you're taking a risk to be weird and that's fucking huge yeah and that's great and that's hard it's hard it's fucking hard man and that's not just advice from one of the top yeah okay yeah that's also it's sage alumni advice how long have you been doing it how long you've been doing it like three years yeah great been doing it? Like three years. Yeah. She's a baby goo goo. Great job.

That's how it works. She does a brand new minute every week. That's so great. That's huge. Sarah Weinshank. Good job, Sarah. Debuting belt. Wait a minute.

What's your last name? Weinshank. Are you a Jew? How did you get into the Catholic school? Are you a Jew? It's a Catholic school. My mom is Catholic from New York, so then they got confused. The Catholic school is

whatever. They let you in despite it. Are you practicing? Practicing nothing. It's a little better if you kind of made the sign of the cross. I can say Hail Mary, but I'm not going to do that. She's on Twitter at

Princess Shroud, everybody. S-H-E-N-K, all one word. So funny every week. I just got some amazing news, guys. What? What's up? I just got verified on Twitter. Whoa!

Oh! Do you have the checkmark? Is it there? Yeah, I got the checkmark. Holy fucking shit. Holy shit. How did that happen? got the checkmark. Holy fucking shit. Holy shit. How did that happen? They must be listening.

Wait a minute. I feel like, I don't know if anybody here actually realizes that this celebration is not a joke. I feel like people have been, you've talked about it, Twitter, people have been tweeting at Verify for years. Two years. Two years. Two and a half years maybe. That's what happens when they find out that you have a podcast where the regular matches the same high school as the regular. So the $47

is waived from earlier on. You got verified. Your money went to verifying Brian. Your final comedian of the night, the final regular that also writes and performs a new minute every single week, dropped out of the University of Florida

with just a few semesters left. After she did stand-up comedy here at Cal Tony. She's been here a year and a half doing a new minute ever since. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon. Congratulations, Brian. So cool. Guys, they say if you can make it in New York,

you can make it anywhere. And that's true because I have. I've made it in New York. I've made it in L.A. The first time I made it and it was in Florida, I was 17. I've made it in the green room. I got on birth control because I was making it a lot. I'm just fucking around. I actually don't like that saying. You know, they say if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. I don't think that's true. And I think that people that say that have never done stand-up in the Middle East. Because they probably can't make it there, you know?

The only light you'll be getting there is at the end of the tunnel. And it's a whole different kind of killing. And you can always expect a bomb. Okay. All right. Sometimes they write a new minute. Sometimes they write a new 30 seconds.

And then just repeat things. But those were solid jokes. Those were set up punch. That was great. Of course. I could do without the Middle East joke overall. I mean, it's like, you know. Oh, my God.

Now, trust me. I loved it. I think you did great. That whole bomb thing I've heard before, though. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up for?

Like a year and a few months. Oh, for fuck's sake. Come on. We're tougher on the regular. Actually, here's the thing. It's good to be tough on regular and it's actually good if you're that early on

and someone's telling you, like, don't do that. Don't even waste your time. Don't feel safe with it. Most people never fucking hear that. Yeah. You might keep that joke Don't feel safe with it. Most people never fucking hear that. Yeah. You might keep that joke

for fucking six years. Exactly. I know. People do. Yeah. And they get really good at doing that joke and then all of a sudden

it's like, oh, I gotta do my... I thought it was gonna be the light was gonna be the red dot on your forehead or something, you know, as opposed...

Right. As a fucking sniper. Now, you're from Florida? Yeah. Which part? I grew up in Melbourne and I went to school at UF. Now, wait a second.

Wait a minute. Whoa! Hold on a second. Because it doubles. I went to Bayside High School. No. No way. Is it true?

I went to high school in Vero Beach. Oh, okay. I'm from Sebastian originally. Well, parents live there now. Cool. Wow. Wow. What are the odds of that?

What the fuck? It's like your mom's house and Kill Tony in a parallel universe. It's crazy. Our parents live like 20 minutes away from each other. Wow. You're a gay turd, though. You went to Gainesville. I did.

A gay turd? A gay turd? A gator? That's what they are, the University of Florida. You're not gay turds. It's very insensitive, Tom. So you went to Bayside, and then you've been doing this a year and a half? Yeah.

That's great. Sorry. Go ahead. I'm so proud of the two girls. I mean, you guys are like babies. How old are you, pumpkins? I'm 24. Jesus Christ.

I mean, to have the balls to come on this show every week and write a new minute of stand-up and do it in front of the world is like... But do you recognize the opportunity that this show is? That's what I'm blown away. So smart. The fact that you show is. That's what I'm blown away. So smart. The fact that you get to do this is incredible. Dude, we were retards. I didn't do that stuff.

And I started stand-up. I did my first set on the show. So I have every week videotaped since I've started. Every minute. That's crazy. You're doing it more than just here though, right? Yeah, I'm doing sets and shows. All the time. That's your time. Kimberly Congdon.

Great job, ladies. Go, Knowles. We did it again. Episode 81 goes down like that. Willie Hunter. Several other very important differences. You did a great job for us over there. Thank you.

Willie Hunter's on Twitter at Willie Hunter. Will Hunter Show. At Will Hunter Show. Yes. David Deary helped us out tonight. He's on Twitter. All one word. David D-E-E-R-Y. At Deary helped us out tonight. He's on Twitter, all one word.

David D-E-E-R-Y at PDC, all one word. Helped us out big time tonight. Tom Segura, you're on Twitter at Tom Segura, the Your Mom's House podcast. Watch this special. It's on Netflix. One of the best comedy specials I have ever seen. Check it out. Rated five stars.

It is hilarious. I got a bunch of new dates. TomSegura.com if you're on the road, out there somewhere. I also want to point out Florida State further extended their winning streak to 28 games this past weekend by beating the University of Florida Gators. Christina Petsinski, it was your first time on the show. You destroyed it. It was such a blast.

Where can people catch you? You're on Twitter at Christina P all one way. Yeah, at Christina P. I have a new podcast in addition to your mom's house called That's Deep Bro. It's philosophy and comedy together. I love that. Look at my dates.

ChristinaComedy.com I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. This is Brian Redman. Thank you, live audience. We love you. Good night. God bless you, Josh. So let's do it like they do on the Discovery

Channel. I'm out.