KILL TONY - KILL TONY #84

Episode Date: February 2, 2015

Justin Martindale, Benji Aflalo, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Autistic Patriot/Joshua Meyrowitz, Brian Redban - Date: 12/15/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates, and you'll see that Death Squad has two shows weekly in Los Angeles. We have one at the Comedy Store where we record this, Kill Tony, and it's a free show. It's every Monday at 8 p.m. You can go to the Comedy Store's website, ComedyStore.com, and look for Kill Tony. It's free, starts at 8 o'clock,

and it's followed by the Ding Dong Show. So get there, Mondays. Also, Friday, we have a show at the Ice House in Pasadena. That's a comedy show. It's usually every Friday at 10 p.m. For all the information, for all the tour dates that we do here at Death Squad.

Just go to DeathSquad.TV. And click on tour dates. Also don't forget February. Death Squad returns. For the Death Squad secret show. Which has been a huge success. In the past we've had Doug Stanhope. Joe Rogan.

Bill Burr. Mark Maron. Chris D'Elia, a bunch of people. So just check it out. Our next show is February 26th, I believe. It's a Wednesday. And yet that's a special Dean Del Rey birthday party show. So it's going to be a lot of fun.

Also check out ShopSquad.tv for all the Death Squad merchandise. Hats, t-shirts, mugs, stickers, posters. You're looking for Death Squad merch? That's where to go. And all the money we make for that pays for everything we do here. And if you've listened lately, we've been adding a lot of new stuff. We've got a new camera, which should be taking effect pretty soon on Keltoni, and the new audio system that we got, what you're going to be listening to on this episode.

There was a microphone that had a bad cable that we recently replaced, so there is some parts in this that you can hear a little static, but we fixed that later on. So yeah, we're trying to make this show better for you guys and we can only do it. If you check out shop squad.tv and buy some merch so we can continue to upgrade death squad so that you guys enjoy your favorite shows, the best that we can give it to you. All right guys. And don't forget to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website,

Tony Hinchcliffe.com for all the golden pony. Good goodies. All right. Here's a new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redford, coming to you live from the world-famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Tony, volume two. Give it up for Tony. It's Claire. Yes, it's a podcast and a live show all at the same time, everybody. Hi.

How you guys doing? Happy Monday to you. Fuck yeah. Come on, everybody. What are you guys doing? What are we you. Fuck yeah. Come on, everybody. What are you guys doing? What are we doing here? A little lazy, huh? A little starstruck?

I know. I get it. I look at myself in the mirror every day, and I'm like, holy fucking shit. I get it. It takes a little bit to absorb exactly what's going on in this room. There's a whole lot of rock star behind these cheekbones. Just relax. We're going to have fun. This is episode 83

of Kill Tony. Holy shit. 83 hour and a half. Holy fucking shit. What did we do? A lot. I'm really excited. Brian Redband of course, as always, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, the

good cop, goofy cop, bad cop, we're all cops, basically. How's it going? All right. We just had a crazy episode of the Joe Rogan experience last week where it was me and the Kill Tony ladies, Sarah Weinshank and Kimberly Congdon, the only two regulars on the show that do a brand new minute every week. They're going to be up later, but you were on it and all of us. We got to talk about Tony. It was cool. Joe loves the show.

We've got to get him on here soon. I've been to so many Christmas parties in the last week that I can't take it anymore. Really? It's weird being at Christmas parties when you're with non-comedians because you just want to make fun of everybody there but you can't I only go to the

comedy store Christmas party I can't go to parties it's the only thing where I get I'm so judgmental and just fucking pure evil at those things I just think everybody's an idiot anybody who I don't know is an idiot like I mean not you people because you're

here enjoying a comedy show. You're my people. You know what I mean? Not everybody. You guys made it weird right there. I'm saying, if I don't know that they're a comedy fan, if it's just a stranger, then I'm like, oh, this fucking idiot. These are the people

that don't know that it's two people go left when the light turns red. Those are those people. Right. None of those people know anything about comedy. It really sucks, too, when things happen and you just want to call them out, but you can't. You have to be – we were at this dinner party and the service was bad and our food was taking forever. So somebody else's burger came out and this girl was so hungry she just grabbed it and the

guy's like, wait, that's actually my burger. And she goes, well, I don't care. I'm just going to eat it because I have been so sick of it. And she just starts eating it. And immediately I just wanted to start, like, as if it was a heckler. Just start ripping into this poor woman. But I can't. I just had to sit there and go, ha ha, this crazy lady. No, yeah, I know. The lady that made

my drink tonight at the coffee bean. I order. Look, I'm not that fancy pants of a coffee guy. But I do take, in this specific case, it was a peppermint almond milk. It was a peppermint latte

with almond milk. Now, check it out. No big big deal but at this coffee bean you can go around and you can see exactly what they're doing over there you know starbucks they like shield their creepy people but the coffee bean the difference is they're like hey come on check it out everything's gonna be good so you know they talk that shit so i'm over there they give you a little you, there's little Dixie cups of water. You could sit there and sip water while making sure that they don't fuck up your drink. Sure enough, what does she pull out? Same lady that took the order.

And I'm also looking up at the monitor that says almond milk. What does she grab? Nonfat milk. A big jug of nonfat milk and starts pouring it and starts making it. And there was some other guy that ordered after me it was just the two of us in the place so I'm like is she fucking making this guy's non-fat milk latte before mine and I look up and he doesn't even have a latte he got a black coffee he's already gone I say who's who's this that drink whose drink are you making

there and she goes that's yours You just made it with regular milk. What if I was lactose intolerant and not just a flaming faggot? I had to bail out. I had to make it funny in the end. I'm not really gay, but that's the only way that would have worked, is if I said those exact words. I had to say flaming faggot. It's just like our little Christmas Tony treats himself to a little peppermint

in the holidays. It's true like our little Christmas Tony treats himself to a little peppermint in the holidays. It's true. I only have two holiday drinks. It's the peppermint one at Coffee Bean and also the pumpkin spice one at Coffee Bean. It's so much better than, oh, God, Starbucks is death. Speaking of delicious things to put in your body, our only sponsor of this show is a gourmet chef. Put your hands together for Elise Lane sitting over there. She cooks us something new every single week. It's always delicious. Our only sponsor of this show is a gourmet chef. Put your hands together for Elise Lane sitting over there.

She cooks us something new every single week. It's always delicious. She's at the girl with the pan on Instagram and Facebook, and she's Elise Lane on Twitter. Tonight she made roasted chicken gyros. What do you call those? You call them euros, don't you? It's gyros.

Yeah. Only Joey Diaz calls them gyros. Well, it's like an East Coast thing, I think. Is it? It's a fucking gyro. Yeah, I think it's an Italian thing, too. Wow. Even though you would think they would call them euros.

Anyway, oven-roasted chicken breast, creamy tzatziki sauce. Man, Josh Martin totally would have gotten hit on the nuts tonight. Yeah. Why did we stop that? That was so fun. He got a little weird about it. He got hurt that last one. I don't know if the people are enjoying me getting hit in the nuts exactly as much as you two guys are enjoying seeing me get hit in the nuts.

I feel like it's just for the two of you, and nobody else even understands exactly what this situation is. What did you say? There he is. I asked him to do a thing I was doing last night. I asked him to do an impression of Al Pacino, and he goes, hoo-ha. He separated the two words. Red onion, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, and olive oil are also in the delicious gyros made by the great Elise Lane, everybody.

There she is. Hire her for an event. You having a Christmas? She just cooked for the Comedy Store Christmas party last night. All the regulars and employees here got multiple servings, and they eat a lot of Elise Lane's delicious cooking. It was the first time. It was my eighth Comedy Store Christmas party

and the first time that I've eaten the food at the Comedy Store Christmas party because normally it's death here. Yeah, I was trying to talk Bobby Lee into it, but he was so scarred from past Comedy Store parties of eating the food, I guess, that he wouldn't do it. Fuck yeah. Not enough dog in the menu for Bobby Lee, obviously.

Guys, I'm so excited about tonight's episode. Let's get a kick started with an artist who is just mind-blowing to me. One of my favorite new musician. I have his album in my car right now. It's called Pat Reagan Smells Like Shit. It's the one and only Pat Reagan, everybody.

Hey, guys. All right, all right. Hello. This is part four of a quintilogy of love songs about my dead best friend's dad's hair smells so good I wanna jump into the ocean and die And then kill myself Greg's dad's legs are so long I wanna kill myself I wanna kill myself, I wanna kill myself

Greg's dad's legs are so long I to wrap a big old belt around my neck and then kill myself. I want to hold you like a piece of shit in my hand. I never thought that I would love. I never thought that I would. So far, I've done four songs done four or five songs on Kill Tony, and I have yet to make it through a single one without some sort of mistake or pause. I never thought that I would fool around with a married man.

You're married indeed. You're married to me Greg's dad's feet are so sweet I wanna suck on them Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum I wanna suck on them feet Greg yum yum yum yum I wanna suck on them feet, Greg's dad's feet are so sweet I wanna dip them in raspberry vodka, and then kill myself Greg's dad's balls are so weird I wanna study them, I wanna study them Cause those are strange balls Greg's dad's balls are so weird

I wanna show them off to all of my friends And then kill myself I wanna be your greasy baby in the morning I wanna sop up your creamy gravy in the night you're the king of my heart till death do us part ooh Jeff and Baby Boy Forever Jeff and Baby Boy Forever Jeff and Baby Boy Forever forever Jeff

and baby boy forever Jeff and baby boy forever Jeff and baby boy forever

ding ding dong. Jeff and Baby Boy Forever, ding, ding, dong. Jeff and Baby Boy Forever, ding, ding, dong. Jeff and Baby Boy Forever, ding, dong. Jeff and baby boy forever. Ding, ding, dong. Fuck yes. Thank you, guys. That's Reagan, ladies and gentlemen.

Holy fucking shit. I love him. Awesome. Another, that is the fourth song about his best friend, Greg's dad. Yeah. That we've heard. He's usually making love to him and things like that, and he still seems pretty obsessed with his... So ridiculous. I love him.

One more time for the great Pat Reagan. He's on Twitter at Patty Reagan, P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N. Sounds like Ronald Reagan, but without the A in the Reagan. So remember that when you're searching for him and finding his album on stuff. Is your watch on Twitter? That is the biggest fucking watch. Yeah, it's a big watch. This is my special Joshua Tree watch that has a compass on it just in case I get lost.

What else does it have? There's four different things on there. Well, it also has a thermometer. What? It's like a regular. It doesn't run off of anything other than mechanics. That's the crazy part. Wow.

I mean, not really. A compass doesn't, you know. Yeah. All right. Anyway. Where are we talking about my watch? Guys, speaking of amazing technology, we have a highly, highly,

we have an extremely uh what's the what's the word what the fuck apologetic jesus no that's not the word i was looking for however he is autistic and you're right uh ladies and gentlemen we always have a highly efficient fucking, that's not the fucking word. Forget it. I was going from the technology thing. What's the... What?

Oh my god. Ladies and gentlemen, we always have a person keeping us safe. A head of security every single week. Put your hands together for this week's Patriot. It's one of our favorites. The one and only Autistic Patriot, ladies and gentlemen. Highly technological. Look at this.

That might be the saddest entrance of them all. Here he is, everybody. The autistic patriot. Oh, that sound thing's going to happen again. Why does it only happen with him? Can that speaker pick up? All right, fuck it. How's it going, Josh?

Good. Josh Meyerowitz, ladies and gentlemen, one of the funniest Young Rising comedians. Thank you. Every week we have a new guy in the suit. This week it's Josh Meyerowitz. Good to be here, Josh. Absolutely. I'm excited.

A little more than usual. Why? I don't know. I'm in better spirits for some... I can't even fathom it. Must be just chemicals in your brain, huh? Yep. Awesome.

You know, you don't have to keep your hands up like that the whole time. I'm not doing it. Nah, but you can just relax. It's an hour and a half. So yeah, there you go. Something like that. Put your hands together for Josh Meyerowitz, everybody. Let's get right into it.

You know what it is. It's Kill Tony. Over 30 comedians signed up, and I always have two of my funniest friends come on the show, and tonight's no different, and we're going to talk to comedians together. They've both been on once or twice before, and they're back again.

Put your hands together for two of my best friends, Justin Martindale and Ben Chiaflalo. Oh, shit. It certainly is. It's Raining Men, indeed. Benji Aflalo and Justin Martindale, ladies and gentlemen. Here we are.

Put your hands together for them, everybody. Writers, comedians, actors, producers. They're doing it all. Tony, you said something about cheekbones? Yeah, just checking. I don't know. I might have you beat. I missed a meal today. I look like I'm dying.

Story of my life. Benji, you look super healthy. I'm the fattest I've ever been in my life right now. You're glowing, though. It's like that Beverly Hills shower water or something. I stole body wash from my parents' house, so maybe that's it.

That was out loud. I was there. I grabbed some body wash. You guys know Josh Meyerowitz? Tonight he's the Patriot. Patriot always asks my guests a question. Go right ahead hey Justin how's it going

Justin you've written for several comedians including the late great Joan Rivers not just as a comedian but as a gay man how fulfilling did that feel to you that's a great question what's eating Gilbert great point oh

whoa burn That's a great question. What's eating Gilbert? Great point, oh. Whoa, burn. It was great. She was a great hugger. So that was fun. I got to say I hugged Joan Rivers. That must have been crazy. It was.

Did she like your jokes? Was she cool? Yeah, she was really cool. She's one of the best roasters of all time The first time I met her I went over to her house And we were sitting at the table And she was sitting right across from me And they were like oh this is Justin Marndale And she was like we know

I was like we know alright well I'm glad She said she knew me and winked And I was like this is very sexual Did she smell like perfume? Yeah she was old She's just some dirty old woman running around Smelling like cooch Did she smell like perfume? Yeah, she was old. She's just some dirty old woman running around smelling like cooch. What happens if old women don't use perfume? Wash their vaginas?

No, I mean, is it the vagina? Is that a thing? I think it's just the body letting go. Is that true? They're rotting. We've all smelled an old person. Is that true? Old people naturally smell? Like sour milk. No, come on. You guys just've all smelled an old person. Is that true? Old people naturally smell?

Like sour milk. No, come on. You guys just are hanging around dirty old people. Benji, your old rich ancestors, do they smell? Well, I think he's right. Like money, right? Old people wear perfume and cologne because they smell. They're rotting.

They're dying. They're about to die. When things are about to die, they smell bad. Right. Like the worms are about to come out like guys I don't want to talk about this I don't think Josh Meyerowitz knows that we die at the end of all this

I don't want to ruin his Santa Claus I don't want to ruin his Santa Claus moment I don't want to be the one on a podcast oh alright you really committed Josh come back okay people who don't know that you're autistic and a comedian

might feel sensitive. No problem. Don't commit too hard. Considering your life expectancy was eight, I think you're doing great. My parents, too. Now we're cooking.

What's your question for Benji? Benji, you are a writer for several of the Comedy Central roastast and The Burn with Jeff Ross. And you're a paid regular here. But besides that, are we good? Are we good? You're so plastic to me, and I don't know if it's at me or with me.

And I like you. I prefer you to be a friend in my mind. So are we good? Yeah, I think we're great, Josh. You know, everyone kind of kisses your ass because you're autistic. I hope they don't. I don't want them to. I know, I know.

And so I'd just rather be real with you. Some love. Rather than be like, oh, look, he's an autistic guy. Some love. That's what he told me. He said sometimes don't give much love. Yeah, he's all, you gotta go, you give much love to everybody. That's his catchphrase.

He walks up and he goes, much love. I'm like, you're saying that to everybody. Clearly, it's not much what he told me. He said, sometimes don't give much love. Yeah, he's all, you gotta go, you give much love to everybody. That's his catchphrase. He walks up and he goes, much love. I'm like, you're saying that to everybody. Clearly, it's not much love for just me. And so now he goes, some love. I have varying degrees of love, and you know what, Josh? That feels more like real love. Wow. I appreciate that, but can I tell you, it's an inadvertent catchphrase.

I really mean it every time. Thank you. God. We get it. You're nice. If you weren't autistic, you'd be the biggest dick. Oh. I love you guys. I don't know what that means. Guys, you know the show. Over 30 comedians signed up for the opportunity

to just do one minute of stage time, guys. You ready to get this thing started? They do a minute. Let's do it. We talk to them. And it's always fun. It's fucking crazy. Who knows what can happen?

Maybe we help them out with a joke. Maybe we find something different, totally hilarious about them that they didn't even talk about just by talking with them on a live podcast. Comedians, you know you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that's adorable. That means wrap it up or else you're going to bring out the sound of a kitty. Aw, that's adorable. That means wrap it up, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

There you go. Yep. That sounds all too familiar. Absolutely. If you're used to being shot into a sonar pig area where a bear then comes in and then calls a Russian cop for just long enough for their siren to go off one time. Guys, are you ready to get this thing started or what?

It's episode 83 of Kill Tony. Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Michael Scherzer. Yeah, Michael Scherzer! Here he comes. From the top shelf. Here he is, Michael Scherzer. Hell yeah. All right, Michael Scherzer, yeah. All right, Michael Scherzer, everybody.

Here he is. My favorite Mexican restaurant recently closed down. The staff was deported. It's been a real inconvenience for me. Thanks, Obama. I feel like if ants had to self-identify with a nationality, they'd be British. Check it out. They spend basically their whole lives waiting in line, and you put just a little bit of heat on them, they desert the colonies like a motherfucker. Keep hearing about Hillary, 2016, my first thought was, that's awkward. Wouldn't it be extremely terrible to have to report to work at the very same desk where your husband got

a hummer from an intern? I feel like it's just something to consider when casting about it that's it that's it was that was that really the end something to consider while casting the ballot so you're doing okay initial thoughts anybody or else I'll just get right into it yeah so you're doing political humor right and you I think you were on a couple weeks ago or something, right? I was. And you work in politics in the Valley, correct? Yeah. Okay.

Now I see, because you only did one political joke that last time, I remember. Anyway, point being, now you've committed to the political thing all the way. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven months. Seven months. And you like politics. You think that stuff's funny. You watch Jon Stewart and Colbert and Bill Maher,

and that's what you're into, right? It's like you're reading my soul, Tony. All right. Oh, he is. I don't think it was that weird, but I mean, it's like you just talked about politics for 60 seconds, and I'm just confirming that you like politics. But if you want to get in the whole soul thing, fuck, maybe you're right.

So let's talk about this, because that's cool, as long as that's truly what you think is funny, because you sort of look like you would talk about other stuff. You seem like you have a different look than the typical type of... Do you think other shit's funny, too? Yeah. Or are you just like a political... Yeah, I do think other shit's funny, too? Yeah. Or are you just, like, a political... Yeah, I do think other shit's funny. I think that, like, I...

My perspective comes from politics, so I comment on that. I love it. I love it. Yeah, I don't know, man. I feel like if you're gonna do politics, like, political one-liners, I feel like people, like,

usually when they do political stuff, they, like, dig in depth and do, like, real shit.ers, I feel like people usually when they do political stuff, they dig in depth and do real shit. Oh, ouch. No, it's not an ouch. This is what you should be working on. Instead of having one topic and then another topic and then another topic and just one joke for each thing, you could stay in the pocket on one of those and extend that out. It's better to have, you know, I mean, unless you want to be a one-liner political comic, which has never happened before.

But I'm sure it's just the seven months and probably not a ton of stage time at this point, and you're just trying to pop in and get laughs and get out. But if you stay in on one of those, like the, you know, maybe the Hillary Bill thing, or any of them, really, if you stay in the pocket on one of them, then people aren't waiting

for some crazy misdirect why don't why don't you talk about something you really care about you know like whether or not women should vote or stuff like that how how old are you 25 25 and you've only been doing this for seven months that's exactly what i think because i got the you're very nervous approach when you came up and that, and the first step is just that confidence. And you've only been doing it for seven months. So if you're really into it and dedicated, I'd say go for it. Try to find your political voice. But again, once you get that confidence,

you will be more confident to step out of the box and play with other things. I just think that political jokes are really hard to believe coming from such a... You look like a school shooter. But like a hot, like a school shooter. But like a hot nerdy school shooter.

It's really hard to believe. Your eyes aren't that dead. You get that a lot, the school shooter thing, right? I actually do. Maybe that's it. Mostly from police when you're walking into a school with an AK-47. Just a few times.

25, wow. So young. So tender. And you're from California? I was born in New York but raised in L.A. Yeah, wow. What do your parents do? My dad's a lawyer, my mom's a director.

Wow. Damn. You did amazing. Did your mom make that war bomb movie a few years ago? What's her name? What's the coolest movie your mom's made? She made a documentary about a Burmese refugee.

Okay, what's the coolest movie your mom's made? I like your style, Michael. What do you do for fun? Jiu-jitsu. What scares you? Shoot up schools.

What scares me? What are you afraid of? Coming up here and talking to you. What else? You should shoot up a school but have it be politically motivated. I think it's a little late. I've graduated already.

Right. You could be the first guy to go back and get your master's. I'd rather be the first guy to do political one-liners maybe. Really? No, I don't think you really do. I don't think you realize what that entails. And I do have longer bits, but there's a minute. Everybody thinks they're going to be, not everybody,

most people think that they're going to be one-liner comedians when they're very first starting. That's how you start. Once you realize that, I mean I'm talking when you very first start and it might seem that way now but you'll enjoy it's very rewarding to be able to get multiple laughs

on a single subject whereas coming up with one funny thing about a thing and then moving on. And I'm not dissing. There's great one-liner comedians, great, great writers that have happened, you know, Stephen Wright and Brenton Biddlecomb and all those people.

Mitch Hedberg. Yeah, exactly. That's who I look up to. Right, but the benefit to them is that they were talking about everything in those one-liners. To combine politics and one-liners, it just doesn't mix. Politics is very testy.

It's very hit or miss. Who should we vote for coming up in this next election? Who's going to be the president this next time around? Give us the shirts or report. I think it will probably be Hillary. Really? You've already struck a chord. I'm not saying I want it to be Hillary.

For the podcast listeners, some guy just died in the corner of the room. I don't identify with either of the parties. I worked for the Democrats, but I don't know. So you're like a Ron Paul guy. I mean, I supported Ron Paul in the philosophical sense, but I knew

that he had no shot. I've totally checked out. I supported him. Actually, never mind. He's the only guy doing Ron Paul jokes instead of the guy reading New Yorker blurbs. You guys just talking about all this political crap made me just check out. Did you not just hear me say that?

Did you check out for my checkout? I was checked out. I didn't even know you checked out. Awesome. Double checkout. Fatality. Michael, your stage presence is that of one of the lanterns.

And I really like your style. Like it's really... No, I'm kidding. I love you, Michael. Do more spots and fucking develop. Keep doing it. kidding. I love you, Michael. Do more spots and keep doing it. Figure out what you want to do. Don't be married to the idea of being a one-liner

political comedian, for the love of God. Oh yeah, he was on last week. I remember the Twitter handle. Son of... We take it all back. Michael's shirts are making it a little more awkward. Just when you thought He couldn't fucking I love you Michael

Please don't kill yourself because of this Please don't do that We love you here I love seeing somebody apologize To the autistic person Instead of the other way around It's like a Do we get to all make a wish after that or something?

That should be some kind of reward. Magic Monday. You know you're really a school shooter when you're standing next to the autistic guy and people are like, you're a school shooter. Especially when you're next to the autistic guy wearing the seven-year-old Halloween costume. It's adorable. This looks like a new name. I'm excited

about this. Put your hands together for Cyrus Natterpour. Fuck yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I got pet peeve. I can't stand people who live in a different time period. And at worst, I used to date a girl.

I used to date a girl. She used to be like, I'm a career woman. I just love my career. But I just know. I just know. Deep down, I just know. I should have been born in the 50s. It's like, Mad Men is your favorite show. Are you not paying attention? There were two

career opportunity choices for women in the 50s. It was secretary or housewife. And if you did a really good job as secretary, you got promoted to housewife. Some people want to go way back in time, like the Middle Ages. Go back to the middle ages Have fun dying of the sniffles Because every time someone tries to get a suit and fit

They get burned at the stake for being a witch But I understand how you can romanticize The middle ages You turn on TV, you watch the Borges You watch Game of Thrones You see these people that are beautiful You see these beautiful time places that are clean You see these nude scenes, everyone's shaven

Please If you saw some renaissance pussy It would look like an Armenian. You wouldn't know if you were supposed to fuck it or falafel from it. There it is. Exactly one minute. That was good. I like your style, Cyrus.

This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, I've been doing comedy for a while. Yeah, where are you from? I'm from Maryland originally. Maryland. How long have you been doing it? Like two years. Awesome. Hell yeah you from? I'm from Maryland originally. Maryland. How long have you been doing it? Like two years. Awesome.

Oh, yeah. What's the scene like in Maryland? I've been in LA this whole time. Oh, okay. Yeah, I've just been doing it like a place will know it's CME. I try to act together now. I'm coming out. Oh, there you go.

Yeah. Well, this is the show to do it. I like your style. Yeah. How long have you played World of Warcraft? That's a good one. Not that long. I quit. I quit video games. I quit them.

I quit them because they were too addictive. I'd end up playing and lose two days of my life. But I did enjoy that about your set that you were talking weird renaissance terms and words and stuff like that. That's clever and fun. I like that. You read a lot of actual books, don't you? Yeah, I used to. Not so much anymore, but yeah.

You just gave up on everything. I just got laid and I just stopped doing all those things. Wow. Look at that. You have a girlfriend? Yeah, I have a girlfriend. How's that been going? It's good. Good. How long have you been dating her? Since Valentine's Day. What does she do? She's a fetish model.

So it started on Valentine's Day. Yeah. As a fetish model? How did that happen? I'm actually, you know Sally Mullins? Yeah. It's her friend. So I met her.

She did taping. She did taping and I emceed it. And then I met her there. Does she like renaissance fairs? How many turkey legs do you eat a week over on three now do you talk about dating the fetish model like the spankings and the rosing of the cheeks

no I haven't yet I've started to work on stuff but it hasn't fully developed yet I think that would be fun to talk about it's a weird lifestyle when you're drinking beer out of a glass boot on stuff but hasn't fully developed yet. I think that would be fun to talk about. It's a weird lifestyle. Follow-up question. When you're drinking beer out of a glass boot... I'm more of a leather mug type of guy. Oh, he's got a fetish.

Yeah. What's the craziest thing that your girlfriend does? I'm sure you name it, she's done it probably. Really? Can you bring her up here? Do you have a lot of fun in the bedroom with her? Yeah. Do you talk about dating a fetish model?

In the bedroom? No, do you talk about it on stage ever? No, I mean, honestly, it's like dating any other person except you have to let them out of a locked box when you get home. It's just like your normal everyday accountant. Yeah, you're like the Fifty Shades of Grey of comedy. That's what you're Christian Grey.

Has she met your parents? No. Has she spanked your parents? No. Are you scared to introduce your parents because she's a fetish model? Yeah, I mean, they already know and they're not too thrilled. How do they know? I mean, just through stalking me on Twitter.

They see that we interact on Twitter, and they're like, oh. Your parents are on Twitter? My dad's Cyrus Nairpro. My dad Googles me all the time. My parents are foreign, so my dad Googles me all the time. Oh. It's just the same results. Yeah, it's just, yeah.

What's that nationality? My dad's Persian. My mom's Polish. Oh. Buddy, buddy, just, yeah. What's that nationality? My dad's Persian. My mom's Polish. Oh, buddy, buddy, son. Exactly. Why does your girlfriend always have a ball in mouth? Fuck yeah. What do you keep in?

I always ask this question to everybody that I see that keeps stuff in their front pockets. What do you keep in your front pockets? I see there's... My bulging pecs, that's all. There's something in that one, right? I see there's... My bulging pecs. That's all. There's something in that one, right? Heroin. Yeah.

It's empty. I'm not a cop. You can tell me what it is. He's got a hairy chest. It's just hair. It's just hair. There is permanent nipple clamps

that his girlfriend installed. Fuck yeah. So do you guys live together? No, no. Yeah, that's February. Wow. That's a while. You're almost at a year. What are you gonna do for the big anniversary? What you gonna stick in your ass for the big anniversary something big maybe get the pro get the prostate come finally You know no, that's a real thing. That's a real thing. Yeah, see you're weird. Yeah

Yeah We all have the internet. It's not like these things are easily accessible. I have the internet, too, but I check Facebook. I mean, you're like Slut Pig Book. Is she so used to doing freaky stuff that when she comes home to you, it's more like normal? I mean, it's just, I mean, she doesn't, she's not, I mean. When she comes home to you, does she just want to, like, hug? And, like, get that part?

I mean, what she does now mostly is like wrestling stuff. Or like really, really goofy stuff. Like some guy asked for like a video of like... Some guy ass-fucked a video? Yeah, ass-fucked a video. No, someone asked for a video where she pretends to be shot with a ray and melts. Like that's like the stuff that she

does. It's like really random. Like fetishes normally really weird stuff. So she's a webcam girl? You have to be talking about all of this on stage. Yeah, this is incredible. This is it. Everything just, all the questions that I've asked and everything we've said about you. All of that renaissance fair. All of it.

Every single fucking thing. All of it. That joke about if you just say, you know, I'm dating a fetish model and it's just like dating anybody else. I mean, other than letting her out of a box. What was the cum thing you said? It's going to kill every time. I don't even know if it's just like dating anybody else. I mean, other than letting her out of a box. What was the cum thing? It's going to kill every time. I don't even know if it does this. Your Persian dad?

Yeah. You're going to be the first guy that kills as a comedian that looks like a magician. You're going to pull the full. I was thinking warlock. Yeah. Warlock magician. Who do you think did magic for the warlocks? Cyrus Matterpour over here.

That's his actual name. I think he's normal looking. I think he's just like a dude. Looks like a dude. No, I can see it. You had like a fucking king in your ancestry or something. There's something weird going on. You have like some kind of creepy.

You like guillotined women for fun. You look like the guy that's painted on like the jack of cards. You know what I mean? Like you're like, you have the face of that guy with a sword or whatever. You're the pirate on every poster. I've never used that, by the way, ever as a description of somebody. You brought that out of me because you literally look like that fucking guy. Just hit me right now.

You know what I'm talking about? The guy, the Jack. Yeah, like the Jack of whatever. Yeah, the one-eyed Jack or something. I can see that. You're like the fucking Jack of clubs over here. Yeah. Or like the Pied Pied, Pied Pied, whatever.

Pied Piper. He's like theied Pied Pied Piper. He's like the cream Pied Piper. Speaking of the Pied Piper. Speaking of a deck of cards, his girlfriend will queef him out of her pussy for 20 bucks. Too real? Come on, guys. Oh my god. I totally thought that was going to make more sense at the end.

She's a fetish model. It's not stripper. You went dark, my God. I totally thought that was going to make more sense at the end. She's a fetish model. Like, logistically, like, it's not stripper. You went, like, dark, Benji. You were like, where'd I go? That's not dark. That sounds festive. Make it like a rabbit or something. Cyrus, you got to be talking about all this stuff, okay?

I'm working on it. Yeah. Good stuff, though. Good stuff. Fun times. Anything, by the way, I did say? What? What I did say? Anything? Good? Bad? You liked it?

Is that what you want? You want to know whether it's good or bad? Yeah. I'd say that you could trim out some of the front and get to the stuff quicker. Yeah, just get to it. And connect. Cut out words and breathe more. Take your time

and actually get to, instead of presenting this thing as fast as you can, let people know how you actually talk and look how relaxed you are right now with the arm up against the thing. That's how you actually are standing in real life while talking to people. But meanwhile, when you were performing, you weren't like that at all.

It was like a dibbity-dibbity-dibbity, you know. Don't be afraid to think. Right. Cut out words, Add more breathing. There's people that can destroy in this minute. I've seen it. It's not that your material couldn't do it. What I'm saying is get rid of

some of the fat. It's always there. Everybody has it. I always have it on everything that I first write. It's always there. Then you get rid of it. You got to get rid of it. There's your thing that you wanted. Cyrus and Addermore, everybody. Good job, Cyrus. He's on Twitter. It's always there and then you get rid of it. And you gotta get rid of it. So there's your thing that you wanted. Cyrus Natterpour everybody. He's on Twitter at Cyrus the Clown. I like his style. That was fun. See that's

the crazy stuff that can happen. Cyrus you should be talking about all that shit. That's hilarious that he dates a fetish model. I didn't realize how funny it was until he started talking about it. The fucking ray gun and all that. That's insane. Did you ask to see the video that she made for him? That had to be

sort of funny, right? Awesome. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Malia Sias. Malia Sias! Malia Sias, everyone. All right. I'm super broke right now. I haven't had a day job since May.

And I hit a new level of brokenness. I was in New York, and I was in Chelsea, and I saw one of those luxury dog hotels. Have you seen it? I've seen them in L.A. They fit into the landscape. But in Chelsea, it was a whole new level of, like, sadness. There was a homeless guy sitting outside of them. Like, we live in a society that a homeless man can be outside of a luxury dog hotel.

It's $79 a night, $110 for a suite. I was walking around New York with a change of underwear and a toothbrush in my bag, hoping I could couch surf, and there's a dog watching The Fox and the Hound on a flat screen television. I hadn't shaved my legs for two weeks. They have a spa there where dogs can get a facial and a podicure, you know? Like, I was eating dollar pizza like Melissa McCarthy was my spirit animal, I was eating dollar pizza like Melissa McCarthy was my spirit animal. And there is a dog in Chelsea getting a gourmet meal cooked by a chef. It's just... Fuck yeah.

You're talking about a trip to New York? What? What's that story about again? I was in New York last month. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Awesome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Three years. Where are you from? New York. And how long have you been here? Three years. Interesting. So you left New York. I left New York to come do stand-up here.

Why? I make really bad life's decisions. Life's decisions? Fuck yeah. I'm really good at bad decisions. A guy, you followed a guy out here? Well, I came out for a job and a guy I lost the job and trying to lose the guy

oh you're trying to lose the guy no no no we're just like on the outs a little bit what happened he wouldn't stop his obsession with the fetish model yeah I was like I can't live up to those standards I don't know you know you're growing your hair out on your legs I was like, I can't live up to those standards. I don't know. You know. Yeah.

You're growing your hair out on your legs. Yeah. I have really hairy legs and I couldn't stand it anymore. And I don't know. Lesbians would love you. How long do they love you? Have you been asked if you're a lesbian? I kind of dress like a guy.

So I think that, yeah. Have you been hit on by girls? I have. I have. It was a validation for sure. I like the whole material of the dog hotel because I've been to those before and they are really hilarious how ridiculous they are. I don't know if I really liked how you did the comparison part

because it seemed very like da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da, and it just seemed too obvious or something. So maybe you could find a way to present it a little different but using the same jokes. Just simply, I had trouble following along. So you went to the dog hotel and you found out what?

I was in Chelsea and it was 30 degrees outside and I was walking and freezing and there's a homeless guy out on the street in front of a dog hotel. And I was like, I'm freezing and there's a homeless guy out on the street in front of a dog hotel and I was like, this fucking blows my mind. I've seen him in LA and it didn't bother me as much. The weather's amazing.

It's okay to be homeless outside. How much is the dog hotel for a night? $79 a night. What do you get for that? Satin sheets, a flat screen television. I looked online. They play a TV for the dog? They also usually have webcams and what do you get for that? Satin sheets, a flat screen television I looked online. Really? I'm curious. They play a TV for the dog? Oh yeah.

And they also usually have webcams so that you can talk back and forth. That's retarded. Sorry Josh. It blew my mind. I don't think it's retarded at all. I don't think so either. I like dogs more than homeless people. Every dog I've liked more than a homeless person. But I did like the bit about the dog watching Fox and the Hound on the flat screen. That's true. That's true. But I did like, I liked the bit about the dog watching

Fox and the Hound on the flat screen. That was pretty fun. Thanks. I have a longer bit to it. So what did you say in the joke? That you stayed there?

No, well, part of it was I was couch surfing. I was there for a month and I was just kind of like, this is hilarious that I can't even afford

to stay at a luxury dog hotel right now. You're more of an inconvenience. Thank you. In a small dog? What? I like sad and cheap. It's so weird you're single.

I love Benji takes the pro-dog stance on this. Yeah. And I'm sort of with him. I mean, that's a dog hotel. She takes bigger shits than dogs, most of them. Were you looking for a hotel that night in real life? Harder to feed. I was looking for a place to stay that night.

It all worked out for me. Yeah, of course. Josh Meyerowitz, the Patriot. What are you thinking over there? What's going on? She lacks cohesiveness, as you make out. She has heart. Holy shit.

What the fuck? It's the first time it wasn't apologetic. I love your honesty, Josh. You just can't help it, can you? Was that bad? No, it was fucking awesome. Oh, okay. I think it would be funny, too, also,

if you went the route of the hating the dog, I think it would be funny, too, also, if you went the route of the hating the dog. I think it would be kind of funny, say, if you went so extreme to actually trying to follow the dog to steal its room card. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, you know, oh, and then you start, like, dressing up like you put on a furry costume or something and tried to sneak into the hotel. And everyone's like, oh, you know. Oh, yeah, your legs are already hairy, so. Yeah. You have very hairy legs.

Yeah, you should totally go that Beethoven route. You also started off with a homeless person, and then you kind of played the role as the homeless person. Maybe, you know what I mean? Like, you talked about the homeless person, then you were talking about how you didn't have a place to stay that night. So it was like you should just combine the homeless person and yourself somehow. Right, make it more about him than me.

Or, yeah, that way, too. All right. What do you do for fun? I don't know. Yikes. I mean, you couldn't name one thing. Just a yikes. Yikes.

I was just so many things. I can't list them all right now. You didn't list one. Not to mention all of them. I mean, you really just said um. You said a hard six second um. Three years you said um. What do you do for fun?

It's not comedy. I like to do karaoke. Okay. What do you sing? What's your song? I like, well, Iron Maiden. You know you have a song that you're not, you're thinking of your second song.

Iron Maiden, Run to the Hills. That's what you go to first? Cher, If I Can Turn Back Time. Holy shit. I have a long list. That's what you go to first? Cher, If I Can Turn Back Time. Holy shit. I have a long list. Do you cry while singing the one from Cher? I do. Sometimes.

Sometimes. It gets really emotional. Is there a specific guy that you think of when you're singing, If I Could Turn Back Time? Your gay best friend from high school? No, but I'm going to start to focus on that. I think that would really make my performance better. Hell yeah. Or why you pick your karaoke song.

Yeah. You're like, why the fuck am I singing Cher's I Turn Back Time? How often do you do karaoke? You know, I've done it a lot in my life, so I've kind of slowed down a little bit. Maybe like once a month now. Whoa, really? You call that really slowing down once a month?

Holy shit. You were addicted to karaoke. That's a hilarious... She's not addicted to karaoke. If you want to come to karaoke, come to the Den on Wednesday at 10 o'clock. Oh shit, I see how it goes down. She doesn't fuck around.

Dimples. Burbank. You go to Dimples and Burbank? I haven't, but it's on my list. You haven't been there? I go to Big Fish. I like Big Fish and Glendale.

You have a karaoke bucket list. That's amazing. Yeah. I don't have the words, but I'm going to go there. Here, come over here. There's an iPad

right here. Back time. If I could find a way. This is totally going to be a part of Kill Tony from now on, by the way. One comedian does karaoke. I sing everything in the cute child role. I could tell you only do it once a month now. I didn't say I was going to.

Pride's like a knife. It cuts deep inside. What's that growling voice? Words are like weapons. They wound sometimes. Me criticizing karaoke. I could do this 24 hours a day. Come on, Newb.

Go to the chorus. Come on. Bring it. Bring it home. I didn't want to see you go. I know I made you cry. Your voice is terrible. But baby, you're back to turn back

time. If I could find a way, I'd take back those words that hurt you. Okay, okay, okay. If I could turn back time, I probably wouldn't have made that happen. Malia, I had so much fun with you.

Come back again soon. That's Malia Sias, everybody. She's on Twitter at The Beastmark. Chastity's now Chaz. She got like growly instead of using her woman voice. She's like, If I could eat that person.

That comes from the heart, man. That is a lady with demons. Yeah. That was amazing. She is a fucking... I don't know what that is. She's on Twitter at The Beastmark, though. So tweet at her.

Go sing some karaoke. She's trying to wean herself off of it. She's way down from her normal amount, and she only karaoke's once a month. You just changed it. And if you're a dude trying to hook up, you know, she might be willing to fuck up her relationship with you. There you go. Josh. Josh.

Do you ever do karaoke? Very rarely, but I'd like to do it more. What's your song? Josh, do you ever do karaoke? What's your song? Yeah, I have to see that. Can we do a second? I just got to divert from the show. How do we not get intergalactic in this outfit? Yeah.

Do you want to get closer on this? Just this part maybe? Is that weird? Yeah. Do you want to get closer on this? Just this part maybe? Is that weird? Can you just, yeah. God, shit is getting real. Well, no, we're not going to just fucking, this isn't your fucking The Voice appearance, all right?

Our chairs are already turned around. I would also like to become famous this evening. No, you're going to do integral acting. I was just telling you my other favorite song. How many, when's the last time you went karaoke-ing? evening. No, you're going to do Intergalactic. When's the last time you went karaoke-ing?

It had to have been a year ago. I want to say Intergalactic. Oh. Holy shit. I'm ready. Grab the microphone, you crazy man.

Intergalactic. Intergalactic, intergalactic, planetary, planetary, intergalactic, another dimension, another dimension, another dimension. Another dimension. Oh, damn. Another dimension. Another dimension. What a moment, G. Another moment. What a moment, G.

Well, now, don't. Don't do me to smile. You stick around. I'll make it worth your while. God's number is beyond what you can tell. Maybe this is because I'm so versatile. Stop. Don't fall.

I said, it'll be pretty fun when I hear who childs. From the Hudson River into the night. I run the Larry Martin to the very last mile. What if you couldn't be there for the rest of my life? I always... Hold it together! You've got golf! You've got to be... If you want to help me,

help me! Oh, shit, he's melting down. Yay, Josh! Thank you, guys. The autistic patriot, Josh Meyerowitz, everybody, with a little fucking intergalactic. Team Shakira. That was great.

Thank you. Fantastic. Man, it's been years since you karaoke'd, and you blew Malia Sias right out of the water there. If I could turn back time. I'm a dude in a comedy in New York Quick, go change into a Wonder Woman costume and come back

She was Todd Karaoke by the great Kermit the Frog If I see cold smiles You can do that What? You can do that I didn't know that was in your repertoire Put your hands together for your next comedian Bud Galloway, everybody

Here he comes Thank you I didn't know that was in your repertoire. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Bud Galloway, everybody. Here he comes. Thank you. So this is L.A., right? I get mistaken for celebrities sometimes here. Not anybody specific, just like, oh, this guy's somebody and something, right? You realize I'm nobody and nothing pretty quickly, and it's sad. But the worst part about it is, like, all the preconceived thoughts before they get to know me, you know? Like, this guy must be just some no-talent little dick fuck-stained poser. He should just kill himself, really. And I don't disagree with that, but why we got to bring dick size into this? But it's true, you know, to make it in Hollywood, you got to have a big dick or a big dick attitude. I've really been working on the

attitude. Hoping it's like a symbiotic relationship. You know, you develop one, the other one kind of catches up. Is everybody looking at my dick? Just kidding. I got the iPhone 6 size penis. It's huge. I call it the iPhone 6. Let me see. Sweet new feature. Yeah, there he is. Bud Galloway.

Bud, why are you dressed like that? I don't know. Make a statement or something, I guess. That's what people say, right? Is that true? I don't know. Make a statement or something, I guess. That's what people say, right? Is that true? I don't know. I like the sweater. Lazy old lady?

What's the statement? Lazy old maybe? Lazy old maybe. I mean, you're wearing sweatpants. Isn't that just old maybe? No, old lady. Because he's wearing sweatpants. Well, that's the thing.

First, you notice that it's the worst sweater of all time. All right. But then you move down, and it just sort of gets sad at that point. Like, those are pedophile sweatpants, complete with creepy stains and, like, faded. They were my steps. No socks tonight, huh? No socks. Swamp feet.

And with someone with such a huge dick You should know this Are your parents rich? No, my dad's poor as fuck Really? What's your mom do? She was a photographer for a while Why is your dad poor? He was a hut builder

A hut builder? Dad built huts? Has your dad been alive since the 1600s or something? How does that happen? I hope we're talking about pizza huts? Has your dad been alive since the 1600s or something? How does that happen? I don't know. I hope we're talking about pizza huts here because there's definitely no money in any other kind. It's like the slang. I build huts.

Who's living in huts, though? Where was he building huts? People's backyards and bar restaurants down in Florida and shit. Florida. People dug it. The hut man. Florida. Oh, my God.

Bath salts and huts. Your dad is the guy that makes those? Yeah, he is. Like a surfboard rental hut, basically, is what you're saying. He made some pretty big ones. How about a sunglasses hut ever? No? No.

I don't think so. When Jewish people make cartoons of dumb Christian people, they're you. Where did you get the sweater from? It was a fine. I think Goodwill fine. You think? I think that's where it was. I mean, it was some kind of thrift store.

It may not have been a Goodwill. How are you not dead? What do you do? What's your thing? That's surprising. What's your money thing? How do you put food in your mouth? I'm a landscaper.

You're a gardener. How long have you been doing that? No, I just do that often. I do a lot of hustle, do whatever. What other kind of hustle? Landscaping, construction. Drug dealing. Drug dealing?

What kind of drugs? I have sold marijuana before. Have? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, see, there's a client. That was in Florida, though. Oh, Florida.

How about the sweatpants? Where did those come from? My stepdad, actually. Exactly. You see what I'm saying? I would have guessed that. That would have been my first guess. Your stepdad.

How old were you? Point us on your body where he touched you when you were a little boy. Those are pedophile pants, dude. You look back at all the video, all the pictures of Sandusky, Michael Jackson, they're always wearing those pants when they're chilling, like doing open mics and stuff. Was the family car a windowless van?

We did have a windowless van, actually. Do you live in your car? I don't. You have a place you live in your car? I don't. You have a place you live in? I do sleep in my car occasionally. That's what I just asked you. Yeah, occasionally. I don't live there.

Oh, okay. You just sleep there every night? Yeah. Oh, okay. No, not every night. Just sometimes. How long have you been out of Florida? How long have you been here?

Three and a half, four years. Wow. What do you do? Do you stick them with the landscaping thing? I was a writer's assistant. You're the only white blonde landscaper in Los Angeles. You're a writer's assistant on what? And a PA on a Disney Channel show.

Weren't you the guy that lives with a guy that's trying to suck your dick and all that shit? What, the oxymoron thing? Was that somebody else last week? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no, no. How'd you get the Disney job? What's that? What the oxymoron thing Was that somebody else last week Oh yeah How'd you get the Disney job What's that How'd you get the Disney job Where are those pants

I knew I knew a producer How did you know a producer My stepdad the owner of these pants Grew up with him See what I did there That's so Florida move out to Hollywood Cause your stepdad has a friend The owner of these pants grew up with him. See what I did there? Yeah. That's so Florida, move out to Hollywood because your stepdad has a friend.

Right. Yeah. Look where that gets you. Now, did you get that sweater from the Goodwill in Florida? Seattle. Seattle. Yeah. You went all the way to Seattle for that. I did.

I did. You brought that back from Seattle. It was Black Friday. For sure. Black Friday. Those are some of the birds that are from Seattle. It was Black Friday. For sure. Black Friday. Those are some of the birds that are on this shirt. Two cans. Yeah.

Yeah, that should be in the trash cans, if you know what I'm saying. See what I did there? I took the word cans. It didn't even make sense. Word cans. Interesting, man. So you dress like that, and do you know what that stain is underneath the Nike swoosh? That one. Probably skis or something. I don you know what that stain is underneath the Nike swoosh? That one.

Probably skis or something. I don't know. It's a bugger. Probably what? I have no idea. What did you call it? Skis. What's that?

I don't know. Whatever you want it to be. Is that a renaissance word? Ew. Ew. Somebody knows what that is. Something disgusting. I have no idea.

What's the scariest thing about you that you would never want to tell anybody or have anybody find out about you? Let's try to make this entertaining or else I'm just going to get you out of here. Ah, scary. The SATs? Yeah, the SATs are pretty scary. They're bad. 9.30? Didn't even break 1,000.

Oh. I know. Stay in the party, bud. Focus on the question that I asked you, bud. Something scary. What don't you want people to know about you? A Sudoku? Yeah, I'm not good at that either.

Man, I... Bud, you are dead air. Do you know that? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. When's the last time you huffed computer duster? I know you did before buying that shirt at the Goodwill in Seattle. Mine was Friday.

Really? No. What was the computer duster's name? Oh, shit. You got to be careful with Martindale. Yeah, you really do. You forget. A dick shark.

Joshua Meyerowitz, you've been killing all night tonight. I'm going to check in with you, get the Bud Galloway report on you. What do you want to do with this guy? He's iffy. He's too confident for his own material, even though some of it does work. It's still not enough to photo of him and make some charisma. I would say

rather than going the safe dick route, you have more to talk about than my big dick and my rat ladies because they're going to be like, that sweater? No. No, we don't. And making people look at the outline of anything through your pants is like the worst idea ever yeah we live in West

Hollywood we get it yeah I feel bad for the people that got the outline of Meyerowitz's Thundercock when he was up here singing Intergalactic I'm gonna give you the opposite advice because you know autistic people are dealing with 17 inches of no we don't know that Tony I'm sorry Benji go on

I cut you off I'm gonna go with the opposite advice here and I'm gonna say your real problem is your lack of intelligence. So you might as well dress comfortably. Like, fuck it. It's not going to happen. So just wear sweatpants. There you go. I like Benji's advice.

What the fuck, Benji? He's the dumbest guy I've talked to ever. Oh, yeah. You might as well wear sweatpants and no ever. It's not going to happen. You might as well wear sweatpants and no socks. It doesn't matter. Just keep doing what you're doing. Benji wants you to kill yourself.

No. I'm saying wear sweatpants. Don't kill yourself. It gets better. You know what? I'd be okay with Bud killing himself. I just don't want Michael killing himself because he's only 25. How old are you, Bud? 27.

Yeah, you're ready. Bud Galloway, everybody. There he goes. Good job, bud. Please don't kill yourself. It's so much fun to talk with people. Thanks, bud. Jesus Christ. That's funny.

Sorry, this is all I'm thinking. I love it, man. My buddy told me last week, he goes, I remember when Kill Tony used to be a lot harder, like meaner to people. And I go, you know what? I'm having Benji back next week. I fucking love it. Because I'm

normally sort of bad cop, you know? So now it's like good cop, bad cop, worst cop you'd ever want to meet. Yeah, it's good cop, bad cop, and the guy from Ferguson, basically, who just, he'll kill you on stage. We haven't seen all the evidence, guys.

It's true. Who knows what could happen? That fucking, all right, forget it. I can't talk about that. Anyway, put your hands together for your next comedian. He goes by the name of Aaron Harrell. Aaron Harrell. Oh, shit. Oh, I don't see him. You know what that means? Aaron Harrell. Aaron Harrell.

Oh, shit. I don't see him. You know what that means. He just got blacklisted. Shit. That's what happens. That's what happens. You get blacklisted when Beyonce plays? That's awful.

I love this guy. He's been on a few times. He's made some amazing fan art for us. It's always fun to hear him. One of our funniest rising talents here at the store. Put your hands together for Ian Ellis. Everybody here. Ian!

It's not the night to show up too high. I feel a lot of weird shit going on. He was fucking dancing and shit. Doesn't he look like Degrassi's Drake? Ghosts don't make a lot of sense to me. How come Ghosts don't make a lot of sense to me. How come nobody's ever seen a ghost dinosaur? I think that shit would be really scary.

What's your house haunted by? A creepy little girl? I woke up to a T-Rex and blood on my wall. Houses haunted by a dinosaur, it'd be a real conundrum for the Catholic Church. They're prepared to do exorcisms, but they might have to admit the Earth is more than 6,000 years old. Might have to see a Scientologist for that one. My name's Ian Ellis. I love you. Good night. That was amazing. There you go.

And that goes back to exactly what I was saying to, what's his name that asked earlier, Cyrus Natterpour about, you know, he said it's only a minute. But as you could tell, Ian took his time, perhaps accidentally. Accidentally. I've never seen a comedian come on the show that's so high that smoke is still coming out of his mouth while he's telling the jokes, but you managed to get through it. Really funny written material. Like, that's a great idea. Great premise. Where were you when you thought of that?

Outside? Huh? Oh my god! What's happening? Awesomeness is what's happening. This is what we call awesome. He's like going through the wormhole. Last week, for those

of you that weren't here, Ian was a huge help to us. He's the first audience member to ever basically walk up to the stage with his hand raised open-eyed, very excited because he knew something that we didn't know about a comedian that was on stage.

And I go, Ian Ellis, obviously, has a question. Go ahead. And without missing a beat, he goes, ask this guy what his living situation is. And it was on for the next 15 minutes. I've never gotten an assist from

another person like you set up last week. He's a living E3 Hollywood story. Fuck yeah, man. Obviously, you're literally still riding the high from last week. It's gonna end tragically. As a stage character, I think it's the funniest thing

I've ever seen. A guy who's too high to talk. Too high. Because even if you don't get the jokes out, it's still funny. Even if the joke's not funny, you just start giggling and look at us like, what? I'm fucking high. Yeah. And that's funny. I want to take a picture of you and, like, Photoshop you writing Falcor right now.

Like, that's how you're just like, yeah! You look like a white avatar. I get that a lot. I do. I get it. I'm getting it right now. Keep saying what we look like I look like a white avatar

you racist they're blue I like your style Ian Ellis you get very honest and roasty when you're high huh you just pointed at me what are you going to say to me what do you got for me

fucking stoned Rickles over here what do you got there you look like David Bowie's corpse. He really does. He really does. How dare you? How dare you? Do Red Band.

David Bowie's not even fucking dead, you asshole. How can I look like his corpse? You'd be Ziggy Corpse Dust. Is that a joke from the future? Do we need a fucking... You know what the elephant means. That means I'm furious right now. Nobody calls me David Bowie's corpse.

You think I could take these jokes, but I really can't. Oh, it stings. You're a Cameron Esposito same-sex symbol. One guy laughed. One guy laughed at something else. He was looking at a video on his phone. Ian, what are we talking about?

Are you going to keep roasting me, you son of a bitch? What's going on? That's all I got. Yeah, I bet. Fucking private pile. Son of a bitch. What the fuck did you talk about? Oh yeah, ghost dinosaurs That's funny

You don't remember where you were when you thought of it though? Because that's an interesting one Were you still in bed? Come on How are you not dead? What's your money? What do you do? Are you still going to say about your stupidest person comments?

No, no, he's not stupid But how do you stay alive? I thought they still going to say about your stupidest person comments? No, no. He's not stupid, but how do you stay alive? I thought they were going to do Jurassic Park haunted. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. They've returned again. I've never seen. You are like high school high.

Like eighth grader high. They were extinct, and then they died, and now they're back again. Oh. high. They were extinct and then they died and now they're back again. I fucking love this. What else you got? Just fucking keep going. If you can think of more, I'll let you go all night. Do more ghost dinosaur jokes. You could sell me any weed right now.

I'll buy whatever you got. What is it? If you punch a dinosaur yell Jurassic World style bitch. Yeah. But what if they have tiny arms? They can't reach that high. Dinosaur material is exhausting.

What else? It's not like that Fuck yeah Yeah I don't know I think you might be able to dig something else up, huh? Are you sure it's the dinosaur material that's exhausting or your constant laughter? I should have boned up

Clever girl He's literally crying right now Tears are rolling down his face Is this the first time you've ever gotten high or something? This is what I was like when I was 14 In Billy Poole's backyard We smoked and I reached for a clothesline That wasn't there

I thought there was a clothesline from tree to tree And I reached for it And it went through my hand And then I looked and it wasn't there And I started laughing for four hours straight That's what this reminds me of. He's laughing so hard he's a chryserotops. Am I right?

Boom. Am I right? Nobody can ever say that Justin Martindale doesn't have some of the best dinosaur wordplay jokes. Imagine him coming home high to his parents in high school trying to hide it. Did you ever do that? He doesn't have parents?

What are you talking about, Benji? Look at this guy. Never had him. He was hatched. They're Republican. They don't believe in dinosaurs. Oh, God. I thought you said it was exhausting. You're not done with the dinosaur stuff?

Give that Republican one to Michael Scherzer. Ian, I had a lot of fun with you. Yeah, we're good. You're so fun. It was very good. So fun. He's an amazing artist. He makes cartoons.

Really cool art. Follow him on Twitter. It's Chicago Open Mike. He's that guy. He started in Chicago at the Open Mike, and he made that his Twitter handle, and now he lives in L.A. So he's Chicago Open Mike. He's that guy. He started in Chicago at the Open Mike, and he made that his Twitter handle, and now he lives in LA. So, he's Chicago Open Mike. He's gonna draw you as David Bowie's corpse.

I hope you know that, right? That son of a bitch. Why does it have to be his corpse? I mean, why can't I just look like David Bowie? Why does he have to be dead? There's only one Bowie. Anyway. That was fucking hilarious

Oh yeah, this is the part of the show where we bring up our two regulars They write a new minute every single week And perform it It's always interesting And we always talk to them It's always a lot of fun This is their first time on since their first ever Joe Rogan experience Last Thursday

So going up first tonight Put your hands together for her. She dropped out of the University of Florida after her first time on Kill Tony. She's been back every single episode since. Put your hands together for the one and only Kimberly Congdon. Hi, guys. I recently got on birth control.

Thank you so much. Yeah, that's exciting. It's good stuff. I got on birth control. I'm pretty excited about it. But it does have side effects, you know, one including more fucking, which is good. Thank you. But it makes me, like, sick.

It makes me nauseous. It's weird to eat with it. And it's like, seriously, this is what I get for letting a guy nut inside of me. This is the thanks I get. It's really terrible. Um, I don't want to have kids. I just know I'm not ready to be a mom cause I've never like cleaned someone's face with my spit. Thank you so much. Um, and I'm Puerto Rican so like you can just like whip your dick out and I'll get pregnant you know

it's the scariest thing ever and Puerto Rican moms are weird I know my mom's got like they have like this super power where they can hit you in the face with a flip flop from like anywhere my mom was good at that is that it i'm done thanks that's funny um what did you say before uh not inside you oh god yeah because i don't know if it's

worth it but the flip-flop thing's crazy yeah sort of picture that benji you ever have a you ever have any relations with a Puerto Rican of any kind, like business or pleasure? You know, I grew up on the West Coast where our Puerto Ricans are Mexicans, so no, not really. But I am familiar with girls on birth control, and I think that's super cool of you. I'm really excited.

Justin, all the people you hook up with are on birth control. And? Justin, all the people you hook up with are on birth control and sometimes I just fake ask a question thinking it'll get a bigger laugh than it does and then it doesn't get quite as big of a laugh, I don't think people are still following really I'll say this about cumming in a young lady after you do it, they then go to the bathroom

to do I don't know what and then I just have a moment to reflect for a few minutes they're scooping that mistake out they're pulling him out by the tails yeah I'm left with no activity I'm just playing on my phone what does happen there?

do you guys pee it out? gravity kind of takes over sometimes right ladies? am I right? come everybody guys like pee it out is that come out of the you know gravity kind of takes over sometimes really right ladies am i right come everybody everybody got really quiet yeah nobody wants to admit to being like came inside right except for me on stage in front of like all these people on a podcast small victories hey mom that's life that's the coolest thing that's the funnest part so do you have to do like double birth control because you're Latina? Yeah.

I just, I'm on birth control. Do you just snort it or something? No, I'm on birth control, and I just don't fuck. I just have to be on birth control and not fucking, I think, to avoid it. Yeah. That sounds awful. Have you noticed any changes since you started taking it? Oh, it's the worst.

Some people, it fucks them up. Yeah, well, it makes me feel like I'm pregnant. Like I have morning sickness. Certain foods make me, like I smell foods and they make me throw up. You should probably go to a doctor. But my boobs are going to get bigger, I heard. She's like, I think I'm pregnant. They're going to get bigger.

I just got on. So are Josh Meyerowitz's, and he's not even on birth control. Really? All right. I guess you got to know him for that one, though. Anyway. Josh Meyerowitz's, and he's not even on birth control. Really? All right. I guess you got to know him for that one, though. Anyway. Kim, what else did you talk about?

Oh, yeah, the flip-flop. Is that true? Yeah, my mom hit me with everything, but yeah, flip-flops especially. Right. Huh. It was just like anything in our house, though, whatever was next to her. Want to know this? This reminds me of getting hit and birth control.

I'm half Moroccan, and in Moroccan culture, this happened to a friend of mine. My dad didn't do it to my sisters, but when you get your period for the first time, your mom slaps you across the face. What? Really? Yeah. In what culture is this? Moroccan. Really?

And my sister's friend got slapped across the face and then hugged. What? It's like, welcome to fucking womanhood, bam. Bitch. And they're like, I love you, and then they hug you. Wow, all that other stuff's going on? Yeah, they're like, mommy, I'm bleeding, and then she hits you in the face. Welcome to our curse.

Jesus. That's terrible. It's a very harsh culture. My dad does this thing, when you get a haircut, he just hits you on the back of the head. Why? And they say, sapita. Two say, because you just got a haircut. It's just, they're rough people.

That's interesting. Yeah. What else is a fun fact about Moroccans? She's just going to get people like Moroccans, right? Before a Moroccan wedding, there's something called a henna where they put like henna tattoo on your thing and you dress up like Moroccan people and do weird Arabic shit.

Wow. Interesting. Josh, you've been with a prostitute once, correct? Yes. Only once, though, right? It was my only sex so far in my life. Okay. Just once.

Did you come inside her? That black guy should always be your sidekick, by the way. That laugh at your... Did you come inside her? No. I wanted to come on her tits, but she said no. You wanted to come on her tits? Tits!

You gave her five bucks and you came on it. That's rough. I got excited just thinking of it. No, not now! it. Oh, Jesus. No, not now. Oh, okay. At the time. Jesus. I was thinking of it the earlier today, though.

What a rude prostitute. He's losing his virginity. He's autistic. Let him come on your tits. Right. Totally. Josh, if you had to kiss one part of Kim, which part would it be? Oh, my God.

That's terrible. However, I do want to know the answer. If you had to pick one part to kiss, which part would it be? So you don't want to kiss any part. First and foremost, my mind says the mouth. Josh, Josh, Josh. You don't have to say it.

Just put your finger in the area that is the answer. I'm kidding. I think she could touch me to eat pussy nice. Wait, what the fuck? I don't know. Wait, get your ass out. I'm kidding. I think she could touch me to eat pussy nice, you know? Wait, what the fuck? Yes, I don't know. Wait, get your ass out. Oh, my God. What?

Wait, what did you say? No, it came out really weird. I'm sorry, Kim. Oh, my God. No, I mean, she seems like a very sexual person. I think I could learn to eat pussy. I'd like that. You feel like you could learn to eat pussy from hanging out with Kim?

Yeah. So you would kiss her in her pussy? I'd like to kiss her in the mouth, but when it gets more sexual, then the foot. Okay. This is what I dropped out of school for. I think it's awesome. I'm romantic. So you're saying that you want to go down on Kim,

and you want her to give you direction on how to be able to do it better, and you think you'd be able to take direction well, correct? I try my best. All right. Come on, Kim. I do love a good listener. No, we've... She's sorted off my hitting on her

type deal, so... No, no, no, we're very good friends. We are good friends. She even helps me write material. She's very good. What was your move? What? Did you like ask her what her sign was? No, I just asked her out. Hey Josh, what's your sign?

Handicap? Alright guys. Boom. Son of a bitch. Kim, have you ever been with anybody with mental disabilities? Oh no. Besides another Puerto Rican? Boom.

No, I haven't. Interesting. Well, alright, cool. It was fun hanging out with you. You had good material. It got really creepy with Josh, but it was fun. It was worth it. You took one for the team tonight, and I appreciate that.

It's been 83 episodes of you not getting put in a situation that awkward, so I'm pretty happy about that. I was actually just testing Josh because the appropriate answer would be the cheek and get to become friends with her, and then maybe down the line something will happen. Yeah, you gotta take your time. You don't go right for the pussy.

Josh, that's not first base, buddy. That's definitely not. It's so funny. He's just eye to eye with a girl and she's like, you know what? I think I really like you. And his head just starts going down. I don't actually believe that. I want to kiss the mouth.

I want. Oh, OK. All right. All right. I'm not talking about. Somehow you talking about the mouth is creepier than the vagina. You got a pretty mouth. Kim Congdon, I'm so sorry.

I want to write a movie for him called Never Been Pussed or something like that. The material is super solid. Think of more things about the sandal thing would be my thing. Not as solid as what's going on with Josh Myers underpants. We'll see you soon. Thanks, Kim. Kimberly Congan. She's on Twitter, Kimberly Congan.

Instagram, all that good stuff. Your next comedian, your final comedian of the night, the one and only Sarah Weinshank. Here she is. Hello, Sarah. Guys, we're going to evolve past the pussy talk

like a dinosaur. Here's my dinosaur callback. Guys, we're going to evolve past the pussy talk. Like a dinosaur. Here's my dinosaur callback. Hop aboard. It's got to be fucking boring to work at a patio furniture store. I get bored just looking at a patio furniture store. I just want to be wealthy enough to buy patio furniture. That's some affluent shit.

When you're poor, you just take your indoor furniture and you put it outdoor. And you're like, yep, that's my patio furniture. I just want to be able to afford furniture and look for it for all types of weather. I want to look at a table and be like, hmm, that looks like it could get windburned and survive. How do you look for patio furniture? Seems like, whoa. Seems like that door is, I don't know.

I don't know. All right. A special cat because you started one thing and then you bailed out or something. I bailed out. You didn't have anything else for that? Is that it? I got a little flipped around. So you got the patio furniture.

That's your thing. Yeah. I'm really. so you got the patio furniture that's your thing yeah I'm really did you just get patio furniture or did you just see somebody else's and it's like you know that's not being talked about enough yeah no I've been wanting to talk about patio furniture for a long time um it's definitely not where it could be but

have you ever thought about mixing patio furniture jokes with political jokes? Like, what kind of... What kind of... Umbrella. I like the indoor-outdoor, because I used to, you know, take my... I actually did it backwards, though.

I would take my patio furniture and put it in my living room. That's funny. You're an animal. That's funny. And I remember, like, around Christmas time at Target, they would have all their furniture on sale, so I would just buy three of those

Rubbermaid lounger chairs. So my living room was just a patio. No, that's an interesting spin on it. Do you have a patio? I don't have a patio. I think it's really funny. I thought it was so funny. I remember being a kid and my dad was like, I'm building a deck. I think it's really funny. I thought it was so funny. I remember being a kid

and my dad was like, I'm building a deck. And built that deck and got that seal. Yeah, there's a bunch of layers. Taint? No, tarnish? Whatever the hell it was. Why did I say taint? That seal taint! No, that seal stain.

Taint, stain, stain, taint. And paint. Yeah, but I love that, especially being in college, too. I remember my friends putting the indoor furniture out on the patio, so I thought it was really, really fun. They're like, oh, this is cool. It just smelled like mildew, but we still acted like it was cool. A leather couch, a recliner outside. It's very glamour white trash.

Yeah. I hate the cushions that are outside because they do start to smell, even if it is an exterior lounge thing. You smell a lot of the seats that you sit down on? No, but when you go to a hip pool or rooftop thing, they have the outside couches, and they gross me out. I feel like they absorb rain and they're dirty. Very dirty.

Yeah. All that L.A. All that LA rain that we get on our couch cushions. All it takes is one bad rainstorm to fuck up a patio situation. Yeah, there's probably something there. There's a struggle here. Did you mention the umbrella?

Well, I did just now but after I just thought of it and I meant to touch on that more. One thing that I meant to touch on that more. One thing that I always found interesting is that the umbrella normally only goes over the width of the table, and not over, more over, like you'd actually be sitting at the table.

So you end up being wet at a table that's dry. Or like burning one arm. They made the umbrella a little bit bigger. Well, no, they have those umbrellas with the arm where the thing comes from the side. You guys know what I'm talking about? Yeah, it's a more bit bigger. Well, no, they have those umbrellas with the arm where the thing comes from the side. But you're like rich. You guys know what I'm talking about? Yeah, it's a more expensive umbrella.

Yeah, you're like a rich patio owner. They have them. They've got them. Cannabis. It's interesting that we're talking about patio furniture because after this, I think I'm going to take a nap outside. Sarah, that was fun. It was fun having you again.

Good job, Sarah. Brand new minute, Sarah Weinshank. Yeah, patio furniture. That's fun having you again. Good job, Sarah. Good job, Sarah. Sarah Weinshank. Yeah, patio furniture. That's right up her alley. I could see that on the Sarah Weinshank album. Track 14, patio furniture. So there you have it. We did it again. That's episode 83. Elyse Lane cooked an amazing meal. Josh Meyerowitz, one of the autistic magazines, says he's one of the top 35 autistic comedians in the world. In braille.

Thank you so much, Josh. He's on Twitter at Autistic Thunder. Justin Martindale's on Twitter at what? At Just Martindale. That's all one word. Just Martindale. Just Martindale. Check out everything that he has going on, which you'll find out through there. Yeah. Benji Aflalo is Benji Aflalo.

B-E-N-J-I-A-F-L-A-L-O. My cabana's got quite the lazy boy. Yeah, that was the good old days. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Buy a t-shirt at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Why not? See you guys. Bye.

Bye, live audience. I love you. Thank you. We'll be right back. do it with no hands. Now stop poppin' roll. I'm smokin' bubble ho. you