KILL TONY - KILL TONY #85

Episode Date: February 6, 2015

Guy Branum, George Perez, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Iranian Patriot/Hormoz Rashid, Brian Redban - Date: 12/15/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to DeathSquad.tv, click on Tour Dates, you'll see all the tour dates that we do at Death Squad, including every Monday, we do this, Kill Tony, free, at the Comedy Store, 8pm, in the brand new Belly Room, with the new sound system and everything, it's great. So check it out. Also, every Friday, we are at the Ice House, 10pm, that's when we record the Ice House Chronicles. 10 p.m., it's a live comedy show every Friday at the Ice House in Pasadena. We got some new shows coming up.

We got a Vancouver show. We have some San Francisco, Sacramento shows coming up. So keep an eye out on our tour calendar. Also, go to shopsquad.tv. We have the new preorder for the new Cheshire Checkers cat. So check it out. It's being pre-ordered right now. It's a limited edition shirt.

So if you want to be a part of it, you got to order it. So check it out. ShopSquad.TV, the official merchandise of Death Squad. And don't forget to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. All right, here's a brand new episode, Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony. Let's go. Yay. Hi everybody. Fuck yeah. It's all happening. Welcome.

Episode 84 of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen. You guys are here right now. Put your hands together. It's Monday night. We're all here together. Anything can happen. This show is crazy every fucking week.

Crazy shit just happens all the time. And here we are again, 84th time, an hour and a half. Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, how you doing? With some delicious food in front of him. It's good to be back at the Comedy Store. The place has been closed pretty much for the last two days, which is really awkward.

Louie just rented it out for something the last few days, which is really awkward. Louis just rented it out for something for the last few days, which is interesting. We'll see what that's all about. I wonder what he's going to do with that. But when was the last time that the Comedy Store was closed on a Saturday and a Sunday? All the comics didn't know what to do. Yeah, it's true.

I had my first Saturday night off in about eight years. Literally. Truly. I'm not even kidding. I do a spot here pretty much every Saturday if I'm in town and if I'm not in town then I'm doing comedy somewhere else on a Saturday. I tried to go to the improv last night.

I came with Josh and Jam Band and it's just not the same. There's not like any shadowy dark corners to put a like sometimes you want to put a finger in a girl and you can't do that not the same. There's not any shadowy, dark corners to put a... Sometimes you want to put a finger in a girl, and you can't do that at the improv. It's like hanging out at the lobby of a Holiday Inn or something.

It's weird. You've never fingered a girl in the lobby of a Holiday Inn? No. Days in. Too many kids at the Holiday Inn. It's been a crazy week this week because Brian ended up hacking Sony. Oh, yeah.

Because of the hat. Because of the Seth Rogen thing. Seth Rogen stole his essence in The Neighbors. That's right. I hacked the fuck out of him. Brian Redband, lady. Put your hands together for the work of Brian Redband.

What appears to be North Korea is really Redband you don't want to see that shitty movie anyways hell yeah that's a crazy thing though man North Korea's internet's cut off right now yeah it's broke they broke the internet there's four big pipes that go into North Korea

that have the internet and all four of them failing I love it. That's some crazy America shit. It's like we're putting them in the corner. Like baby. Go to your room. No computer. I love it. That's some America shit right there.

I'm really excited about tonight's show. We only have one sponsor, everybody. It's the lovely Elise Lane. She's sitting right over there. She makes food for me and Brian and our guests every week. It's unbelievable lovely Elise Lane. She's sitting right over there. She makes food for me and Brian and our guests every week. It's unbelievable. Tonight's looks extra delicious. A citrus and shrimp salad, sauteed shrimp,

dried blighted oranges, and lemon. Mixed organic greens, watercress, and mint with blood orange, balsamic vinaigrette, and avocado. Hope you guys ate before you came here tonight. Smells good. Smells like a stripper on her second shift. I could hear Eddie Whitehead, the homeless comedian, cracking up

at that joke. Like, man, that really made me hungry. Yeah. I love you, Eddie. Hey, I put your movie out. Okay, okay, okay. That's right. That movie's still out there that I don't want people to see. Uh, I did it, though. I helped you out on that one.

Elise Lane, her cooking is unbelievable. What was that thing last week that I ended up taking home? It was some kind of tofu sandwich or something crazy. Oh, my God. The tofu gyro. Wow. Wow. I mean, every bite.

It was fucking crazy it's weird like how a chef can really make how much better stuff is from a chef than when I try to make anything anyway guys guess what else

Elyse Lane's on Twitter so you can follow her so you can follow her and if you have a private party or something you you want a gourmet chef, blow your friend's minds, follow Elyse Lane at Elyse Lane. E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N. There you go. Every week for the last five weeks, we have had a musical guest come on. And I'm just in love with them.

I just think it's the best way to start this show. Like this kind of island? Get the thing pumping. Yeah, he's great. And he's back again. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan, everybody. Just a little song. Get us all warmed up a bit. Hey, guys.

It's pretty loud. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay, sorry. This is dead podcast time. I'd like to play a song. This is part five of a quintology of love songs about my dead best friend's dad. I am floating down a river of love I am floating

like the clouds up above below me and above me is sky I think to myself why can't I be a bird

singing sweet love songs to you dear I'll sing sweet love songs to you I just turned 25 this Saturday And it feels like I've spent my whole life just waiting Making excuses so that I can hide away

Sleepless nights Spent high and masturbating I can't believe The wasted time I can't believe That fucked up my I can't I can't

I can't believe The wasted time I can't believe I can't believe the wasted time I can't believe my wasted time I can't believe my fucked up mind Thought I was gonna be just fine But I'm not gonna be just fine I'm gonna be a narcissistic unemployed comedian

Living like a total piece of shit at least I've got you here to keep me warm at night so I don't want to think any more about it no I don't want to think any more about it. La la la la la la la la la la la la love song. Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. La la la la la la la la la la la la love song. Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding dong. Ding ding dong. Ding, ding, dong.

Ding, ding, dong. Oh, Greg's dad, Greg's dad, I love you so. Oh, Greg's dad, Greg's dad, don't let me go. Oh, Greg's dad, you make me forget that I am a total asshole Oh, Greg's dad, Greg's dad, I cut myself Oh, Greg's dad, Greg's dad, I bleed myself Oh, Greg's dad, do you think it's weird that I have a collection of Nazi uniforms? Didn't even buy, I didn't even buy this guitar. It was bought for me by mom and papa, who always thought I was gay.

And they were correct They were correct And there was some shine And I'm erect I'm ready for some sweet Greg's dad action And then the song just suddenly ends. Thank you, guys. Have a good night.

Pat Reagan, everybody. I love it. God damn, I love it. For a second there, I'm like, hey, what about Greg's dad? I know. And then there it was. All of a sudden, it was about Greg's dad. I wish I could be Greg's dad for a night.

One more time for Pat Regan, everybody. He's on Twitter at Patty Regan. P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N. Guys, you can find his album. It's called Pat Regan Smells Like Shit. And that's available on iTunes and other things. Just listen to it. It's unbelievable.

I absolutely love it. I really actually do listen to it. And I love having him on. Why does he smell like shit though? Is that like poop dick or something? I don't think he actually smells like shit. That's the thing. I've talked to him up close. He doesn't really smell like shit. Anyway, so that

was Pat Reagan. Every week we have a new patriot that keeps us safe. It was originally a guy in a $5,000 suit that belongs to the Iron Patriot, who's sort of like Iron Man, but it's like a more American version. And this guy had a $5,000 suit made. And he was our head of security for the first 20 or 30 so episodes. And then he said that he got too big for the show, that the people are only listening and watching because of him. So he left.

His exact words were, when he gets picked up by Comedy Central, I'll be willing to negotiate. So he left the podcast that's gone 50-some episodes without him now. And every week, to show him how replaceable he truly is, we just replace him with a different person, a different type of patriot, proving all the while that it could have been literally anybody who just stands on the other side of the stage

and has Amazon Prime. Yeah. But what's interesting about this week is every week the Patriots worn the same suit since we replaced it about 50-so episodes ago. And I had Josh, put your hands together for Josh Martin, everybody.

Makes it all possible. The man behind the Chinese lanterns. And he ran up to me right before the show started, and he goes, there's a big problem. Normally, big problems aren't really big problems with this show. Like, it's not that big of a deal. But he sounded serious, and I go, what's the issue? And he goes, tonight's patriot said that the

suit smelled so bad that he was going to puke if he put it on. Wait, wait, wait. Because of the sewage leak thing, or just because of, like, breath? No, I think it was because of the suit. We'll find out more in a bit. I can't wait to figure out. I don't even know who this patriot is. It's a suitless patriot, I do believe.

Put your hands together for the Iranian patriot, ladies and gentlemen, Hormoz Rashidi. Yeah, he's our first ever patriot that's actually not wearing this suit. He's just wearing the gloves and the helmet. Okay, it got weird, everybody. Hormoz, what happened with the soup? What was going on? It smells like shit.

It smells really bad. And as soon as I put it on, I was like, oh, shit. Oh, jeez, now I feel bad. This is, this is, he said that the last person sweated a lot in it. Josh, why don't we ever wash that thing? Wait, there's a washer and dryer. There's a washer and dryer right down the stairs. It's one use. Oh, Jesus. Right down the stairs.

Oh, Jesus. All right. That was the screeching halt that the show just came to, everybody. The noise that you heard. Well, Hormoz, Josh, do you want to figure that out? Fuck yeah. Josh Martin, everybody, on the ones and the

twos. Mostly, uh... Alright, fuck it. Guys, tonight's episode is gonna be super fun. Are you excited about this, Hormoz? What's it like inside the mask? Is that bearable? The mask doesn't smell bad, because it's just plastic, but the fabric

absorbed... Who wore it last week? I forget. It was Josh Meyerowitz, our autistic patriot. The autistic patriot probably has that fancy smell. Or he has autistic wiping skills. Oof. I don't know if the Iranian would be much better, though. This fucking guy.

Hormoz, how Iranian are you? I'm 100% Iranian. Holy shit. But I use those flushable wipes that really clean the ass great. Do you take them with you when you go places? Or I buy a little smaller pack at the place. You always keep wipes on you? I try to remember to because you don't get fully clean using toilet paper.

No, you don't get fully clean. I definitely don't get fully clean. Well, I'm excited to have you, Hormoz. This is, what, your second or third time? Third. I love it. Hormoz is one of the funniest comics working at the store, and he's great.

We're going to have fun tonight. I also have hilarious guests, as always, every week. Two funny guests come and hang out with me. It's two of my funniest pals, as always. Put your hands together for Guy Branum and George Perez. Yeah. Welcome, gentlemen. George Perez, his first time on the show.

Excited to have you. We've known each other for a few years. We ran into each other at some crazy gig that was some underground roast it was wild because you were just you were working at the store back then right it was like five years ago yeah jesus and uh and um yeah we roasted the dog shit out of each other we've been pals ever since when we see each other. Were we ever that young? Who? What? Oh, yeah. Five years ago. Yeah. You working at the store. It felt

innocent. I know. I was a little baby. What was the grand prize? 200 bucks. And I remember that 200. I needed that $200 so bad. I was shaking. I wanted it so badly. Anyway, back then the roast format of the show that we did

it was some pilot for an MTV thing and they didn't really have a format so they're just like alright so we both beat our brackets. There was 18 guys there. Yeah, it was like March Madness. It really was. All like underground. I got a weird

call a couple days before from like a shady cool buddy. And he's like, yo, dude, there's this fucking roast thing going on at this warehouse. If you're in the winner, you get 20 or 50 bucks for showing up. 50 bucks for showing up. But 200 if you win the whole thing. And I'm like, fuck yeah, I'll show up to this shady warehouse. And then once I took it, I had the number one seed because they didn't know me. So, you know, when they make brackets, you remember this?

What's that guy's name again? Wilbur Valderrama was running it. Right. He was the host. This was the Your Mom show. It was all the best from Yo Mama, which, George, you're like, you won a year or something, right? Yeah. The best of L.A.

Badass. Yeah. I was lucky. I was lucky. No real comics were in it. Which, George, you won a year or something, right? Yeah, the best of LA. You're a badass. Yeah, I was lucky. I was lucky. No real comics were in it. It was just like casting people. Right. But they put me up against their number one seed, the guy who was the defending champ,

because they didn't know me at all. And I laid him out. I let him go first, and I just actually let him. I just stood there and stared right at him like that while he fired off like two or three. I just took my time and then I just go because he was like, oh God. No, I remember what you said because I laughed.

I was wearing like a quick silver sweater that was like brown and gray and you were like, damn, you drink and wear horchata. Oh yeah, it was that cream colored. It was like a cream colored corduroy and wear horchata. Oh, yeah. It was like a cream-colored corduroy shirt. I fucking burned that sweater. What's amazing is that it ended up being me and George,

and they didn't have a format for this show, so they're basically like, all right, so it's you two. Make fun of each other. There wasn't like, all right, three-minute round, go. It was like, boom. And we fucking stood there because neither one of us wanted to lose. I needed the money too.

That horchata joke even about the color of your shirt was literally like the 47th joke that I got off on you. It's real. We are going back and forth for like, I felt like 35, 40 minutes. No, it was. It was something like that. Yeah, it was insane. Because my ankle bracelet went off and I had to go home. And Guy, I love your style.

You're always hanging out at Roast Battle. I've sort of like triple booked roast style this show organically. It just sort of happened because you're a great roaster yourself. I like to watch people be hurt. Yeah. Yeah. I like to watch people be hurt. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. You look like you'd be like,

if you didn't know you, like super jolly, happy, nice guy. But you have no soul whatsoever. I work from the dark side of the comedy. Boom. I love it. So here we go. You guys ready for this?

It's episode 84 of Kill Tony, where comedians sign up. Over 30 comedians signed up tonight for the chance to do one minute, one minute of stage time. And then we talk to them about anything. Maybe about what they did, what else they could do, what they do, something else they could talk about, or anything at all. Comedians, you know you're one minute's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, it's adorable. You better wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Okie dokie. There you go. A little wake-up call for you.

I'm going to make an obligatory West Hollywood bear joke. Is that all right, Tony? Yeah, you have to. That's not what a West Hollywood bear sounds like. These days he'd be talking about Into the Woods. Fuck yeah. A West Hollywood bear making West Hollywood bear jokes. About West Hollywood bear jokes. About West Hollywood bear jokes.

That's like a... Wow. Grr. I'm meta. Boom. Here we go. You guys ready? Episode 84, Kill Tony, starts right now. Your first comedian goes by the name of Michael Scherzer. Here he comes, Michael Scherzer.

Get him, Michael. Boom, what the fuck is up, Kill Tony? So, I bombed the other day, but it was in Afghanistan, so nobody gives a fuck about it. the other day, but it was in Afghanistan, so nobody gives a fuck about it. I once knew a girl named Isis, and by knew I mean she gave me the toothiest blowjob I ever received, and I never called her again. Like, the same strategy that the terrorist group Isis

is employing in Syria against Bashar al-Assad, that's how she attacked my penis. I'm pretty sure that she mistook my dick for a foreign journalist, because she was definitely... I'm pretty sure she mistook my dick for a foreign journalist, because she was definitely trying to cut the head off. That joke never receives the response that I believe it deserves, but that's not going to stop me from telling it,

because I want people to know that I'm informed. Somebody asked me if I saw Interstellar, and I was like, nah, but I've seen Matthew McConaughey get high before. Have you really seen Matthew McConaughey get high? That's a true story, actually. I have. Where'd you see him get high at? One of my friends used to live in Paradise Cove in Malibu and one night, swear

to God, we were just hanging out, smoking weed, and Matthew McConaughey knocks on the door with a bottle of 151 and he's like, hey, my name's Matt. Want a drink? And we're like, no, get the fuck out. Of course I want a drink with you! You know, it was crazy. Did you actually do the fake no first?

No, I did not. Are you talking about the trailer part? Yeah, the trailer part. He has a trailer right at Paradise Cove. I thought Paradise Cove was the place where you can get drunk at Disney World. Maybe. No, I was making a joke, but they didn't respond to it. Clearly wasn't that funny. So you were first last week.

I was first the last three weeks in a row. How the fuck is that happening? Statistics, people. They don't exist. Josh, are you looking at these names when you put them in the bucket? Are you putting like 30 of the same name in or something? Are they all Michael Scherzer? Are you cleaning the bucket?

Fuck yeah. Anyway, Michael. It's crazy. So what did we do tonight? What did we talk about? You got a laugh on a setup. Okay, I did. That's pretty hard to do. You got a laugh on a setup. Okay, I did. Yeah.

That's pretty hard to do. But it's a very good setup. I thought you came up here super pro-y. You did not fall for the stool. You moved the mic stand out of the way. And then you had written a minute worth of jokes about wars in the Middle East, which is a fine way of spending a minute on stage. You had one good joke in there.

way of spending a minute on stage. You had one good joke in there. You can see exactly where it's going if you've been talking about Afghanistan in Iraq for 30 seconds and then you say you got a blow job and you think the girl thought that your dick

was a French journalist. That's a solid joke that has potential and you could turn into a joke if it were in any way unexpected by that point in your set. Are you Edward Snowden? Is that how your name always ends up on the top of the bucket? You're some crazy C.S.

All right, anyway. That worked out well, yeah? Yeah, the idea of the joke, you could maybe do something, but yeah, there was too much set. Is that what you're trying to say? Like, the setup was just way too long, and we all kind of figured it out halfway through.

You gotta laugh on one setup and zero punchlines. Not bad. Not bad. When they laugh, don't stop. Like, you look, they'll be like, oh, fuck, you're laughing. That's true. You came in confident.

If you were fucking, you were like, oh, shit, she's actually saying my name. I get super awkward when people acknowledge that they think that my humor is funny. That's when you want to look them in the eye and keep going.

Solid advice for life, I feel like. And then come inside of them. That's my thing. Is that an invitation, Tony, or what? Boys, boys, be safe. Drug-resistant syphilis is all over this town. And by this town, he means Hormo's mask. Guys, it's getting out of control.

Why are you wearing your dad's fleece tonight? What's going on with that? I like free shit, you know? Where'd you get that from? From him. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah.

It was my dad, so he handed it down. There wasn't much, like, go-between. Interesting. Is the same thing with the haircut? Yeah, I don't know. Fuck yeah. Just a quick question. Yeah.

You said that you bombed in Afghanistan last week. Are you one of our brave boys in uniform? No, no, that joke is... I'm not an actual... Oh, that joke was just you being silly. Yeah. Well, see, when you do that and you tell a joke that is

just clearly you be making a silly for all the rest of your jokes when you say whatever your setup is the audience is going to be like oh he's just fucking

around like you have to lull them into a sense that you're going somewhere logical so they won't just be oh he's making the crazy pun that we

expect out of this situation because then you'll get the non-response that you got from everyone but me. It's true. That's a great piece of advice. Cool. You ever been next to an Iranian before?

Yeah. Fuck yeah. You look like a TSA agent. All right, fuck it. He looks like a bouncer at Petco. There it is. That's the best one. There he is.

It's like, yo, yo, the Chihuahuas. Watch out, Chihuahuas. Come here, Chihuahuas. Usually they tell me I look like a school shooter. I think... Yeah, it's true. They've told me that the last two weeks in a row. I told you that, right?

Yes, sir. I think you look like an Orthodox Jew who dressed up as a regular for pour-up. Like, you got access to regular people clothes, you just don't know how they're supposed to work. The facial hair, where are we going with it? Is it always that way? I mean, it can't always be like this, but, you know, as often as possible. Alright. Michael, I really would never do a bombing

Afghanistan type of joke in any way, shape, or form. Especially from the beginning. Yeah. We start the show off with a bang. Start with your crazy shit, and just keep doing that until it works. Thanks, Tony.

Michael Scherzer everybody people can smell that when you try to get on their side you know with an easy thing it's like okay well that's the one obviously that was out there to fool us but I don't know hey boo do you have any questions for our guests cuz we totally skipped oh yeah absolutely it got so weird when you came out that I... No, I'm kidding. I'm just glad to not be the most bald person on the stage today. Oh, there you go. I'm by choice.

Is that a no? That's a no, yeah. You don't have questions for the guests? I didn't even know who the guests were but I'll ask them Guy, how old were you when you came out to your parents? and same question for George oh

that's hilarious because George is actually gay and I am not and he's insulting to imply that I am gay I get what you're doing so Tony, if I got this right the Patriot didn't wear the Patriot costume to imply that I am gay. I get what you're doing. So Tony, if I got this right, the Patriot didn't wear the Patriot costume.

Who asked to be the Patriot, by the way. And didn't have the Patriot questions. Are you okay, horrible? It's because he started dating a girl, I think. Why is the mic by your dick? Well, that always happens. It's one tradition from the original Patriot that we decided to keep because we think that's the one thing about him that made a little bit of sense. So we just kept it there.

Yeah. Hormoz, how do you think this is going right now with you? Good? It's going all right. I think it's going pretty fun. Feel good about it? I feel pretty good about it, yeah. Say something Iranian.

To Ahmed, to Iran, thank you very much. Thank you very much. Wow. Wow. What did that mean? I said to all my friends and family in Iran, hopefully I'll see you soon. What does that mean? In the afterlife or something? Yeah. Like ghost style?

Hormuz, have you ever bombed at comedy in Afghanistan? It's right next to Iran. I haven't had the pleasure yet. I love that you give a shout out via podcast to your friends and family in Iran. Like they would ever listen to this. Hey, to all my homies

in the... Say something else in Iranian. One more thing. Can you do karaoke in Iranian? Is that possible? I totally can. I absolutely can. Pro more thing. Come on. Something sexual. Can you do karaoke in Iranian? Is that possible? I totally can. I absolutely can. Prove it.

Sing a little something. All right. Bon joy! Bon joy! Should have brought the suit. I had a feeling something was coming in that second verse. That's how they set you up. Oh, sure, I'd love to sing a song. The song

activated bomb. That was amazing. Fuck yeah, Hormoz. Speaking of karaoke, if you guys are karaoke fans, one of the best, and the first original karaoke bar in the United States is closing January 1st. Dimples. So go to Dimples. Wow.

They're making it a whole food, so it's Ailey Mabbin. Ailey Mabbin, bitch. Ailey Mabbin. Fucking perfect. Put your hands together for your next comedian. He goes by the name of OK Gabe. Hello. Don't you hate it when you get a cut on your dominant hand? I mean, it's okay if you get a small cut in your hand, you wash it off, you forget about it.

But that's your mistake. You forget about it. Until later on in the evening, you decide you want to masturbate. So you're getting ready to masturbate, right? You wash a little bit of porn, you get some lotion, you get some KY, you get that one-to-one ratio you put in your hand, you go to grab your penis. You put a little pressure on that cut and you're like, shit, that shit hurts. I forgot I had a cut on my hand. So what do you do? You got to persevere. You got to get through it. Boy, why don't you just masturbate with your other hand? No, you can never do that.

Never masturbate with your other hand. Masturbating with your off hand is like getting a hand job from a disinterested girl who has some sort of mental disability. You never feel good about it. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Thanks, guys. Fuck yeah, he threw in the this guy knows what I'm talking about at Thanks, guys. Fuck yeah. He threw in the this guy knows what I'm talking about

at 58 seconds. I love that. Yeah, you should not do that. Okay. You should tell jokes holding the mic with the other hand. How many times have you done stand-up? I've never done stand-up.

Boom. Boom. Whoa. Here we go. Okay, Gabe. Here we go. Okay, Gabe, I have just a really quick question. Sure. Are you an overweight black woman?

No. Then why are you going by a fun stage name? Like, if you're Samore or Monique or Earthquake, then it's a fine option. Right. But if you're not an overweight black woman, I would consider just going by, I'm going to assume, George Hernandez

or whatever colonialism gave you. Gabe Zuniga. My phone is Gabe Zuniga. My full name is Gabe Zuniga. There you go. Take it from George Perez, who basically has the same name as you. That's a better name. Everybody mistakes me for George Lopez.

I gotta lie, I'm like George Lopez. Okay, Gabe. What made you want to come out tonight? I'm a big fan of the show. I love stand-up, and I just wanted to try it. Can I tell you what I loved about what you did? I could tell it seemed like you were just a little nervous and new

and trying to remember what you wanted to say, which is fine because that's completely natural, and I've seen it a lot on this show. But what I loved was the amount of lotion that you talked about. Yeah was hilarious to it like i i think that that's great you could add something cool to that like you know they could make uh you know how they make little mustards like those like that's about the right amount you know give or take a little bit or like a soy sauce packet they do make that they can make little individual lotion they do that they do they do yeah yeah you would nightstand them. Yeah.

I like it. Why would you have individual packets of the nightstand? Because from AVN, you just get bags full of them. But have you ever... I like the... You said lotion and what was the other thing? Do you visit a lot of porn awards? Yes.

Do you just... I go to all of them. He loves that. I love that. He's that guy. They're like Comic-Con for you? Definitely, yes. You got. I go to all of them. He loves that. I love that. He's that guy. They're like Comic Con for you. You just. Definitely.

Yes. You got all the panels. 100%. He has a booth. His neck's just covered in lanyards when he's at these things. That's right. Like he's just the. You said KY and lotion.

That's your mixture. I've never heard that before. You combine the two things. You have a little fucking party, huh? I mean. Jesus. I've used lotion and then it's gotten a little dry, and I've used spit because I'm like, oh, you're never going to take a shower.

Who cares if it smells? Right, right. But I've never done the KY. You've got to do it. Is it like oil and vinegar, though? Does it go together? What else do you do? Well, because lotion is a little too viscous, I guess, and then KY is like, you know, nice.

And watery. You know something I learned? And it took me three ex-girlfriends to figure it out, is that those oils that you use for massage that you can get at the grocery store, those are not oils you put on your dick and fuck with. Because it really hurts the woman to have that in them.

I've used Mazola before. The cooking oil. Really? Yeah, you can use that. She was Mexican. She wanted chorizo. Oil-based lube is a great way to get AIDS. If any of you wanted to get AIDS,

use an oil-based lube and a condom. Why is that? Because it breaks down the condom. Really? Yeah. What a base. Wow, Joromoes, you said yeah, like you've had experience with that.

I took health classes. Planned Parenthood University? That's a great cover, Hormoes. Don't worry. I will never reveal your secrets. Wow, now I've got to try this mixture. K-wine. What kind of lotion do you use?

Do you use cocoa butter or what do you use? Do you like cocoa butter or what do you, Juergens? Juergens, yeah, that's what I use. Jesus. Yeah. My God.

What are you, sponsored by them or something? Are you masturbating in 1983? He peels off the fucking logo on his hat. It's just Juergens all the way. It's my first time doing stand-up because Juergens just paid me $500.

Gabe, you got up super confident. I thought you were really experienced, and you went into it, and then you just hit this moment when you were like, oh, God, I should be nervous, and then you became nervous, and you didn't know what you were talking about.

That's why you should have had a punchline before then, because if you had had a nice punchline before then, then you would have been like, ah, yes, I am a god of comedy. I've been able to keep going. Oh, I thought that was going to happen. It was good. That's not how comedy works.

Comedy works with a word or phrase that is funny and then you know that that's when people are going to laugh. People don't just incidentally decide to laugh at some point in time while you're talking to them. It's just supposed to look that way. But it's all very strategic every moment but you get it

do you do any other kinds of art? you play music or draw or anything? graffiti? I have a drunk cooking show that's awesome that's why it's OK Gabe OK stands for original knockoff keep it then

the reason why I'm Redman on stage is because I became Red Band online first. And then it was stupid if I just started going like, I'm going to do comedy under Reichel. It just makes no sense. If it wasn't for that, I would have been Brian Reichel on stage. But yeah, if you're known as OK Gabe, just keep that. Definitely. But you did a great job for your first time.

You definitely fooled me for your first time that like yeah you you definitely fooled me for your first time you have a very uh unique voice how you you you speak and how you explain the joke i would add more tags to it or stuff and you you had i don't know if you meant to be as funny as that that ky and lotion but that shit right there was that that cracked me up what do you do for work uh video production and uh like what um just full production so we could shoot, edit, all that. We do short promotional videos for different organizations. Cool. Well, this is the first episode in 4K, so if you want to edit it. Yeah, prove it. Yeah, you know what? For your first time doing a comedy, I wouldn't try to be so dirty because that's like, come on, everyone's dirty. Try to let them know who you are.

Cool? Yeah, absolutely. Talk about what you're thinking about while you're masturbating with a cut on your hand. Yeah. Talk about how it really makes you feel. Like your little finger has a period or something. However, I'll tell you this. At the end of it all, you really interested us with the combination.

I think pretty much everybody in this room is going to try that combo tonight. Find the dust off the old KY. That's the new flavor of Baskin Robbins. KY and Juergens? Yep. Coco, baby. Coco. I'm in love with the cocoa.

Oh, shit. Look out, everybody. Coco. I'm in love with the girl with the cocoa. Look out, everybody. It's getting crazy up here. OK, Gabe, what's the funniest thing that's ever happened on your drunk cooking show? Oh, shit. Can you cook? Awesome. Like is this what I do with another guy? And he's very good at cooking. I make cocktails and we make basically a full dish. It's really nice. But all the while we're getting drunk and then we edit that down to like

eight minutes. Are you sure that this is a show? Is it possible that the two of you are just in a relationship? People have said that, yeah. He cooks a delicious meal. I make the drinks. We fuck the dog shit out of each other. It's a prank meal. I make the drinks. We fuck the dog shit out of each other. It's a prank show, really. It's a prank show.

We don't film the fucking part that would actually make us money. We film the cooking part and drinking part. What's the most hits you have on... Can I guess? Like one video? You can guess. Can I guess?

Yeah. Well, now you seem excited, so my number just went up. You guys want to play like a Price is Right thing? Yeah, yeah. Let's do this. What do you think it is, Guy? Well, first I was going to say 117, but then when I said... 117?

Don't give away any fucking hints, dude. Now it's the time where you don't talk. Let's play a game where you don't talk for a minute, okay? You hear the sound of a kitty, and then we'll ask you for a response. All right. But when I said, let me guess, he went,

okay, you go ahead and guess. He's like, oh shit. You know, he's got one that probably went a little goofy. But I don't think goofy is that goofy. I mean, even his name is like OK Gabe. It's just OK. Hey, who's that? He's OK.

Wait, wait. Can I ask one question? Is there one episode that just went crazy like ravioli because everyone's like, I don't want no ravioli. And they start Googling it and they hit on your ravioli one? No. I mean, there's a few popular episodes, but I wouldn't say, like, oh, there's one.

See, I would assume if one went crazy, it was because his partner, like, burned his hand. Yeah. How many episodes do you have? 51. Holy shit. Okay. What's your number?

My number is 17,000. Don't answer anything. Let everybody guess. You've gone with 17,000? Yeah. You going 17,001,'t answer anything. Let everybody guess. You've gone with $17,000? Yeah. You've gone $17,001, you son of a bitch. I'm going to say $62,000.

$62,000, yeah. $32,812. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Wait a second. He's gotten within. No, I'm kidding. I may go with $4,300. I may go with 4,300. I'll go with one. I say you can all go with one. Whoa, the hormones pulling in.

The dirty Iranian out of nowhere. Holy shit. Came out the cave. Fuck yeah, man. All right. Red band. Got it. What's the answer? I don't know. Like 6,000 maybe. I band. Got it. What's the answer?

I don't know, like 6,000 maybe. I don't even know. What'd you say? 4,500 or something. Yeah. 300. It's not that popular. You don't so much have a drunk cooking show as you have a hobby.

Yeah. I tell you what, though, man. You just archive the shit out of it because you don't know if one day everything changes and all those videos are going to be reborn that's all you have to do and that's for once in our life we have the ability

to archive video shows we're making our own TV shows why are you being helpful and inspirational because it's his first time on stage he did a good job. Yeah. I mean, you signed up tonight, and this video is going to, the day that it's released, it's going to have more hits

than your biggest video. So congratulations on that. Thank you. All that other stuff you put a lot of work into, this one, and you might not even be drunk, and you didn't have to cook. Maybe you should do makeup tutorials. Those get a lot of hits.

No, no, no. Here's what you do. I have to be a pretty girl. You make the show where you're both cooking for a girl who's also getting drunk. Oh, we try to do that. Brilliant. Brilliant, by the way.

You just fucking nailed it. By the end, you're almost all going to puke. That drunk. Yeah, you definitely got to get a girl. Nobody wants to see two greasy Mexicans cooking and getting drunk. Hey, what are they going to do? Unless one of them's George.

Fuck yeah. What do you guys cook? What happened on the episode that it got 6,000? What happened there? Do you know anything about your own show? Yeah Alright, I'll tell about The last episode we did was What are these, like five hour long episodes?

No, no, no Completely boneless turducken We did that for Thanksgiving So that's a good example. Where can people find this? Because I'm actually going to go check this out. I want to look at it myself. OK's happy hour.

OKS happy hour. All right, great. That you have assembled in your own life a turducken impresses me more than anything else that you have done since you got on this stage. Thank you. I am so proud of you, Gabe. I just wanted to come up here and talk about my cooking show, so.

Oh, you son of a bitch. I'm just kidding. Damn. You son of a bitch. He snuck in like a Mexican. That's smooth. His cooking show, which is sponsored by Juergens. Now I get it.

It all makes fucking sense. Well, there he goes. He did it. That's okay, Gabe. He's on Twitter at Original Knockoff. That was his first time, not really doing stand-up, but just pretty much describing how he masturbates. Yeah, we got owned.

Yeah, totally. Totally owned. I feel like that's going to happen a lot in the future. Yeah. Well, there you go. Your video's going to have more hits now. You did it, you fucking con artist. Make it so. Luckily, through the power of editing, Your video's gonna have more hits now. You did it, you fucking con artist.

Luckily, through the power of editing, it's gonna be a short episode this week. No, I'm kidding. He's on Twitter at Original Knockoff. He can edit himself out. Check out his video. Who gives a fuck? It's probably not funny anyway. Put your hands...

Guys, did I lose you? What happened there? It's a joke. Everybody relax. Come on, I'm sure it's great watching guys get drunk how long is each episode oh that's it perfect wow perfect some fucking quick meals delicious

make it seven you dig that you're ducking throw it in shot shot shot shot shot that's some tight editing bro alright put your hands together for your next comedian. His name is David Freeberg. Thank you.

I live with my parents, which isn't great, but luckily they've never caught me smoking pot, which is good. But they do know that sober people don't give their parents goodnight handshakes. Oh, you guys are still awake? Should I hug or kiss, hug or kiss, hug or... I'm just gonna head off to bed. Hug or kiss, hug or kiss.

Good night, Mom. Nice meeting you again, Dad. You guys ever introduce yourself to your parents? They know. They know. So do you guys think Jesus was a socks and sandals kind of guy or that there is no God? So do you guys think Jesus was a socks and sandals kind of guy? Or that there is no God? Kind of back and forth on the issue.

Where's that kitty, right? Jeez, there it is. There it is. That's exactly one minute. Fuck yeah, you nailed it. David Freebird. This is my first time seeing you. Yeah, I've been in LA for about 20 hours. Awesome.

20 hours. I love that. You've been doing stand-up, what, a year or two, somewhere else? Yeah, about a year in Madison, Wisconsin. Madison, Wisconsin. I've been there. Fun place. Big college town. Big 10 country. I get it. You hit it. What is it? The cheese.

The fried cheese curds. Oh, yeah. That's the thing there. Cheese curds and whey. Yep. These are things that exist. That's pretty much why I stopped eating dairy three or four years ago is when I went to Wisconsin because I was still eating cheese. And I kept noticing the cheese was fucking me up like bad.

Not even my belly. It was more like psychological. I'd feel like shit. I swear to God. The cheese was looking at you or something? No, but if I eat shitty dairy and they eat, what is it? Fresh mozzarella curds or something.

It's so good. It's like just putting straight bacteria into your body. Good bacteria though. That fights yeast infections. Okay. I see what you're doing. Any way to segue back into your yeast infection runner that you have?

Tony, one of my favorite things about living in Southern California is having dietary restrictions instead of personalities. So thank you for talking about your choice to not eat dairy for a solid four minutes. No, I know. I love it. I love not eating dairy. But my point is... What the fuck was my point? You just wanted to brag

that you don't eat dairy. Madison! Lake Mendota? What's his name who died there? I have no idea. I've only lived there for like two years. Oh, you didn't go to college there? No, I went to college in Minnesota, Twin Cities.

Oh, you went to the U of M? Yeah. I went to law school at the U of M. Oh, nice. You guys ever hang out in Dinkytown? A couple of times. A couple of times. Yes.

Me too. I performed at the Varsity Theater there. Oh, nice. Yeah, it was fun. Get a room. I didn't know you guys were gophers. Anyway, get a room. We already do.

This is pretty much as private as it gets. David Freeberg, so you just moved here 20 hours ago. You're going to live here now? No, no, no. You're just visiting. Yeah, my sister lives here. How old are you? I'm 25.

Wow. So what are you doing in Madison? I'm a nanny. Wow. I prefer the term sensei. That's why you have that Mike Serra vibe. I felt that. Yeah, you seem very, very good.

You seem like a Midwest good old boy. I can trust you with things. I'm nicer than all of you. I didn't think it was legal for a man to watch over children in Wisconsin. That's fucked up to say. That's a weird thing to say. That actually makes you think that you're a pedophile. Whenever someone says that to me, it's like, why would you think that?

Why is it? Whoa, calm down, dude. It's a funny story. I'm sorry. Halfway through that, I realized it, and I was like, I got to go with it now. Jesus. I never asserted that I wasn't deeply sexually attracted to people who are underage. I've always been perfectly on the record about that.

It happened to me at a party last night. Some guy freaked out, and I was like, that's weird. And then I was like, I want to write that down to make a joke, but I don't want to seem like a comic, you know? Right. So I took it out, wrote a like to-do list and he's like what are you doing i'm like and then i wrote the joke down smartest thing i've ever done no next time just write the joke down you idiot uh you don't need to fool anybody madison's a small

town but you weren't in madison last night right well yeah well during the like afternoon yeah it was an afternoon party and then i, during the afternoon. Yeah, it was an afternoon party, and then I got on the plane at 6 p.m. It was an afternoon party? Football. On a Sunday? Oh, my God. On a Sunday. Oof. Yikes.

That's right. They do that there. I don't play. I wasn't playing. Football's on the TV. Everybody get around. Jesus Christ. That's scary.

So you're a 25-year-old nanny. Who are you? You just came out here completely on your own to do what? Stand-up? Oh, my sister lives here. There you go. So I'm visiting her for the holidays, and I do stand-ups. I was like, I want to go. How old is your sister? Younger? Older?

I have three older sisters. Have they ever fucked around with you? When you were younger? Do they ever fuck around with you? How's the nanny younger? Have they ever fucked around with you? How's the nanny? LA's the weirdest fucking town. You're the one who brought up pedophilia, young man. How am I the one who brought it up? Because you, like, insisted that me making a joke about how in Wisconsin women are babysitters.

You said that that meant that I was a pedophile. Babysitters? And then... I'm a nanny. Whoa. Again, I don't think anyone in Wisconsin can afford to have a nanny. Like, they all just work at the factory. They have babysitters.

I know. I've been there. The Kraft kids. Oh, we have babysitters, yeah. Fucking nannies do. Have you ever fucked a nanny? What's the difference between a babysitter and a nanny? I mean, you're defending nannies

like you're the baritone Fran Drescher. Yeah, what the fuck? No, I'm the nanny. Are you union nanny? I'm a contract. Have you ever worked at a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens? No.

Jesus. What was the original question? You're really putting up a fight over there. What are you, Nanny Pacquiao? Got him. Okay, I won't put up a fight. Wisconsin's full of pedophiles. There you guys go.

Sorry I was defensive. Yeah, you're not telling anything. We already know that. Wisconsin's full of pedophiles. There you guys go. Sorry I was defensive. Yeah, you're not telling anything. We already know that. Wisconsin's like fucking... Everyone says that in LA. Wisconsin is to pedophiles as... As Megan's law. As Iowa is to... That's where Megan lives, right? Idaho. That's the state

nickname, isn't it? America's pedophile land. Yeah. The land of 10,000 pedophiles. You dress like a pedophile. You look like a young pedophile. Has anybody ever told you that before? One time. How old are the kids that you're dealing with? You ever shake

a baby after a bad set? You guys. When he takes off his underwear, a bunch of Cheerio falls out. I shouldn't have opened with that fucking Afghanistan farm joke. There's another comic.

I just remembered that I have actually committed statutory rape in Minnesota. Whoa. Is it legal? Okie dokie. Show's canceled. I guess we are all accessories to the crime now.

The statute of limitations has passed, and I was committing, it was so long ago, you guys, I was committing illegal sodomy at the same time. So it was fun in a lot of ways. Fuck yeah. How you raped a person's face. He raped Bill Cosby.

That's what Guy did. Okay, nobody's going with me on that. Fuck yeah, David. You act, you know, you have the confidence of somebody not from Wisconsin. Well, that's because

the whole time I was sitting there breathing deep saying just be confident. There you go. Okay. Also, with that confidence, jokes.

Just more jokes. Because you had two. And the first one wasn't that. I don't know that making choices about kissing your mom is the most relatable thing. Yeah, why do you want to kiss your mom so much? Well, I mean. And you realize that you're. Why do you guys assume it's on the lips?

Again, you guys make these weird assumptions. Because it's really weird that you're making it a point that you feel so uncomfortable about how to kiss your mom. Like, as if, you know, it's kind of like. Well, it's a hug or kiss decision. Well, another thing is. Give a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I've never looked at my mom and was like, oh, my God, here it comes. Here it comes.

What's going to happen? She's going to put a finger in my butt. Well, what's happening here. David, what's happening here, David, what's happening here is you're coming to a 21 and over club, and you're trying to be relatable about living with your parents and coming home drunk while living with your parents, right? You live with your parents.

Actually, coming home drunk, no, coming home high. Yeah, I do live with my parents. Right. Is that what you said? For like a year. High? High. But this actually is just a joke.

But isn't the bit about coming home drunk? No, I said high. Oh, okay. And it's actually just a joke about something that happened in high school. Are you a live-in nanny for yourself? Do your parents employ you to live in your home and take care of you? Okay, I'll be honest. The kid I watch is my little sister.

It's not a big deal. I'm just kidding. Oh, wow. Another joke that didn't work. Just when I thought you were done, you just keep throwing out those fucking deflated beach balls. All right, so how long are you in town for? How long are you visiting your sister? And what does your sister do?

Does she have big areolas? Brian, come on. I'm in town until about next Monday. And then my sister is an archivist for the Grammys. She's a what? Archivist for the Grammys. Oh, cool. So her areolas are the size of 45.

Yes. Perfect. David, it was nice to meet you. Yeah, it. So her areolas are the size of 45s. Yes! Perfect. David, it was nice to meet you. Yeah, it was nice to meet you guys. He's on Twitter. D. Freeberg. D. E. Freeberg. Bacon soda. The word free, B-U-R-G.

D. E. Freeberg. There you go. Young pedophile on the loose. That was weird. D.E. Freeberg. There you go. Young pedophile on the loose. That was weird. Yeah, right? That's the first white guy I was scared of. Oh, interesting.

What part of LA are you from? I'm from Orange County. Did you ever... The worst part of LA. No, there's more white people there. It's scarier. Yeah. Did you... Have you ever done... part of LA. No, I, there's more white people there. It's scarier. Yeah. Uh, did you,

uh, have you ever, um, done it? Did you do anything when you first started standup that you can't believe that you did like something regrettable? Like as a comedian? Yeah. I always ask people on their first time.

So guy, did I ask, you know what? The first thing I did is I thought I was funny. What happened? I, uh, went to a real club and they were like, your friends ain't here. No one's laughing. Because, you know, when you first do it, your friends show up.

You're like, fuck, I'm better than George Lopez. Don't fuck this shit. Wow. Straight to George Lopez. George Lopez is like some kind of person in your life. He's like the Virgin Mary. He's like the Virgin Mary to Mexicans Right

Yeah It's like we were only allowed to watch that And Seinfeld because it didn't cuss Wow That's crazy So yeah that was probably like I thought I was funny And now I laugh because I'm like

Oh dude I was so horrible Like what's an example of something you did? I remember I'd walk around and tell people, yeah, man, I got a tight seven. And they were like, oh, I thought you were a headliner. I was like, yeah, I got a tight seven. I just talked to the crowd. Because you know how you think it's like I could just talk to the crowd. I just ask questions.

I'm quick. And then the crowd looks at you like, I could just talk to the crowd. I could just ask questions. I'm quick. And then the crowd looks at you like, shut the fuck up. Right. So that's probably my worst thing. From there on, I just, you know, I'm just going to write. Yeah, exactly. How about you, Guy? Oh, the first time I did stand up, I was in college and I was still not out of the closet.

And we hit that awkward moment when the audience realized that they realized I was gay and I did not realize I was gay but was doing a very long bit about how aging actresses should go into professional wrestling and it was awkward so then I left went to Minnesota went to law school, committed statutory rape, and restarted comedy again. So you didn't know you were gay earlier? Like you were like, no, I'm not gay, or did you? I was just trying really hard not to be because I didn't want to hurt my mom's

feelings because that should weigh into anyone's first sexual experience. What does Deb Branham have to say about this? What do you mean you were trying hard not to be gay I mean I was just like oh thank you for making this very serious George but I was like no

this isn't a front against God and man I'll just shove away all of my feelings about men forever and just be one of those bookish guys who you know is quiet and reads a lot and then I was like, oh no, that dick

though. I fucking love it. See, when he said he didn't know, that scared me a bit. Because I didn't know, what if somebody walks by and you get a whiff of dick and you're like, oh my god, I want that right now. I'm just scared for that to happen to me.

Hormones. Are there any, do people like are they regularly gay out in Iran? Like is that, do they have to keep it secret? You're not allowed to be gay in Iran but transgender is okay. So like you can have your sex changed if you get caught and then they'll let you live but if you're gay they'll let you live. But if you're gay, they'll, like, kill you. Can you order a transgender woman in Iranian for us? I could try. My Farsi's not that great, like, transgender.

As far as I can see, it is. I got Michelle, yeah, and I have a car, but I don't have a beer. Wow, what'd you say there? I said, if you can, can you bring a switched person? You know what? Can we... Switched person. Switched person.

Wow. That's really... Gay straight. Gay straight. Can you say, I have a tummy full of cum? Can you say, I have a... I don't know cum. I don't know cum I don't know.

All right. Last one. Last one. Can you say, can you send me your finest transgender woman to dimples? That's my new. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. One time I dressed up like a superhero and said that I was going to swallow cum in Farsi.

Interesting. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Sarah Kenny, everybody. I was dating this guy and we were together for kind of a while and then one day he shaved off his beard and mustache and I had to break up with him because it turned out he was really ugly the whole time and I couldn't see it

it was hidden from me I was at this packed show with my boyfriend and um I came out of the bathroom I was looking for him and I saw this guy that looked just like him he needed his armor on a girl that looked just like me so then for a second I was like oh yeah there we are wait a minute I'm not even wearing that shirt that's obviously not me I uh it was bring your kid to work day at my office and I was like the only one that didn't have one so I just borrowed one from the playground by my house and um I don't think anybody believed that Jamal was mine you know like not just because he was black but also he kept calling me lady

and then it was really awkward when i found out that you don't breastfeed nine-year-olds he's like lady i don't want that whoa watch out for that bear i know almost forgot about it okay so are you saying that you breastfed that kid? Big child molestation. First I kidnapped him. Then I attempted to breastfeed him. David Freeburg would... All right, forget it. Fuck yeah.

So you've been on this show quite a few times. You used to be like filthy dirty when you started. And then you dialed it back. I wouldn't say filthy dirty, but offensive in a weird way, more so than creepy. You were clearly describing your own abortions

that you had had. The way that OK Gabe talked about masturbating was the way that you talked about going through an abortion on that very stage. Why does she have to feel shame, Tony? Get your conservative

agenda out of my Los Angeles. Hey, I love abortion. I just don't like first-person abortion stories. This is actually the one-year anniversary today of when I told the joke about selling a baby on Craigslist,

which was misinterpreted by you and Will. You guys kept saying, why does the baby have to die in this joke? I'm like, the baby doesn't die. The baby gets sold online. Like, I don't know what happened. If a person can vacuum it out clean, then they get it alive.

Right. No, I agree. That's amazing that you remember that it was a year ago today is that true yeah like you have some kind of creepy calendar that you keep of things that you've done I do I keep track I record all of my sets like including these and today you looked at that calendar and you're like wow well a year ago today I talked about this on this live yeah it was it was one year ago was the first time I came to comedy store and i got on downstairs and then i got on here and um it's actually one year tomorrow because it was monday last year and tuesday this year but whatever all right anyway anyway who gives

a fuck um not me so what else do you do like whoa when you when you're not performing here, where else do you go? What do you do? What's crazy? Well, this weekend I did a show at a loft ensemble theater. I don't know if you know that that place, which is downtown. And then I did a show at a clown museum. Oh, that's cool. Which is like, where is that at? That's also downtown. Yeah, it's on like Pico and something. Oh, cool. Pico. Pico.

Do you see? Pico. I always get the names. That's how you know I'm not really from L.A. Like I can't say any of the street names. Say Tapatio. Tapatio. Oh, shit. I just repeated the way you said it.

George just fell in love. No, no. I like I like her comedy. I liked your comedy. I thought it was like something you weren't going to say. I just got mad that you you went to a premise and then you left i wanted i wanted one more twist of abstraction to like the the beard joke oh he was ugly afterwards no he should be tommy lee jones or it was only after it was

only after he shaved his beard yeah that you realize that he's black and you're racist or something like that also with the the seeing the couple i mean that's such a fun interesting situation it's very relatable then but maybe you thought that they were you and your boyfriend sent from the future to kill you guys for a good reason i don't know but like that's the thing that that needs to go from being oh like you want people to not just nod and recognize the experience, but actually laugh. See, other people are nodding and recognizing the experience of what I said.

Hormoz. I should have taken it to another level. Hormoz, what would your grandfather say about her set if he saw it here tonight? I think my grandfather is very, very racist, so he would have liked her just for her white skin. But what would he have said in Iranian is what I'm asking.

He would have said, What does that mean? That means you did a great job on the stage. Give me some of that puss. There you go. I think you finally figured out what's funny about this bit every time. That if you make the last thing funny,

it crushes every time. Is he hot? He was alright in the pocket. He was definitely hot when he flew a plane into the Second World Trade Center because there was a lot of fuel on the plane that immediately

exploded because he's a dirty Iranian. Anyway. I have a better punchline for the beard joke. When your boyfriend shaved his beard, you realized he was a woman. Clearly, it's not a better punchline. No, but I

like the disguise idea a lot. I don't need your pity. You could really just hit it on the nose I like the disguise idea a lot. I like that he would use somebody else. I don't need your pity. You could really just hit it on the nose right along that line. When he shaved his beard, you noticed that he didn't have an Adam's apple. Nothing's going to save your joke.

Your shit premise will never go anywhere. And there's nothing that any professional can do about it. I'm starting to feel pretty good about the original. I love it. That was fun. Fun to have you back on, Sarah. Any parting words from anybody? Anything?

Keep going. Keep going. I like it. I like you dirtier and more closer to yourself. Because usually you're really dirty and dark. And that wasn't as dirty and dark. And you kept on talking about your boyfriend. I don't want to hear about this guy. I had some dark stuff downstairs earlier that was not appreciated.

There was one thing that stood out to me. I'm glad you mentioned that. There was this guy I was seeing. And then you went to my boyfriend. I was hanging out with my boyfriend the other day. It's too much guy talk. In the first 15 seconds of knowing you, you've been through two guys.

It's like you're bragging. I don't want to hear you brag. I don't want to think you're single. You guys can only pay attention to a woman if there is a vacancy sign above her vagina. If there's some possibility of you getting in there. Out of respect. You son of a bitch.

You can't laugh at her jokes if she's owned by another man. You know what I liked about you? I see a lot of girl comics and they wear makeup and get all dressed up. You like that I'm a scumbag. You didn't know. You reminded me of that girl. What's that movie where those girls get kidnapped? I love Georgia.

This is the most backhanded compliment of all time, by the way. And it's still just fully loaded. Like two giant cannons. I like the movie where the girls... You know what I like about you? Is all those girls that fucking write jokes and look pretty and prepare. No. You don't do any of that shit, man.

You're fucking like cutting edge. And you want to come to Orange County. Kidnapped and murdered and raped. Kiss the girls. Remember Kiss the Girls where she comes back. She looks all fucked up. Sarah Kenny, it's so much fun always having you on. Thank you.

There you go. Another great time. Sarah Kenny, everybody. Fuck yeah. It's all happening. This is the part of the show where we move on to our two regulars. We have two comedians who do a brand new minute every single week. It's sort of something that really you can't find anywhere else.

Since one of their very first sets is anybody here? Yeah. I don't see anybody. Kim is. Put your hands together for her. She started here on this show about a year and a half ago. She's written a brand new minute every single week since while doing stand-up every other night at other places.

Put your hands together for her. It's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Thank you. I read a headline today that said, Guy smokes weed, then sucks horse's dick. Thank you so much. Which I don't know if you agree with me, I thought he was probably going to suck the horse's dick regardless.

I've never been so high, I just wanted to blow an animal. I've never been so high. Like, I don't even like regular dick that much. Just be like, you know, wanted as much as somebody wanted a horse cock. That's fucking weird. I have a friend who's really slutty and at the same time a really picky eater. Which is like, bitch, you've had 11 dicks in your mouth this month, but you

won't eat cilantro. You know, like that kind of friend you don't want to share a blunt with. You're like, you could just keep it. I don't even smoke anymore. It's fine. I don't need a sip of your drink. There it is.

That's great. She shows exactly how it's done. That was great. Probably the best joke of the night. I just saw that headline today, too, so I know you just wrote that. That's great. That is so funny. I love the way that you, you know, the news story is one thing,

but it all comes down to delivery at that point. You really positioned everything right. Like, you know, fun normally I mean you know not only from doing this show a lot but from hosting a lot you still see most people a year and a half in still make a lot of fundamental mistakes you know and to see that you're positioning you know punch lines at the end and doing that consistently it It's really awesome. Thank you. And that's fun. And oh shit. Wow.

That's interesting. I'll do it. No. We'll do something else. Okay. I don't want to do it, right? Kim. So where'd you go up this week? Anything crazy happen? And what was the second and third thing you talked about?

And why do you hate Dick? You don't like Dick that much. I mean, I mean, we want to think that you crave it. Like you're hungry for it. you gotta settle, at least just tune it down like 20% on the sexual harassment.

No, no, she says, she's like out there. Like they're just going to end up playing these in a court one day. She said, she's going to be like, look at this fucking guy, Your Honor.

Every episode. Yeah, this is him for 45 minutes a week. She said she barely likes dick herself. So what's that mean? Because you must mean that you don't like dick that much? Yeah, totally, Brian. That's just a weird thing to say. We're on Spectre over here.

I mean, there's always some truth to some shit. I mean, no, I like penis just as clear. But you don't love it. No, I don't love it the way that guy loved horse dick. Like, that is like a... How did this become a news story? It's the difference between forbidden fruit and fruit that guys have been trying to shove

into your throat every night for the past 10 years, right? Amen. What's wrong with cilantro? No, that's what I'm saying. That was spot on great just because it's such a universal thing that you have those girls who are super tasters. It tastes like grass. Like the kind of friends that go out and order chicken fingers. Because I've gotten head.

And girls ate cilantro. It didn't burn or nothing. No, I'm just saying like you can't let like 11 different dicks into your mouth a month and then be picky about food. Okay. Because it's like you let anything into your mouth. That's right. Does she brush her teeth a lot? I don't know.

I don't get near her teeth. I love that the part that George took offense to was cilantro. I mean, that's just so fucking Mexican. I've been picking cilantro my whole life. No, because I eat it. Why couldn't it be any other seasoning? Why couldn't it be macaroni? Why does it got to be cilantro?

What about macaroni? Fucking shit, man. What about macaroni? Fucking shit, man. What about cinnamon? I know a girl named Cinnamon. Cinnamon, I'm up to the stage. I thought you had a great set this week. Like, all of it was great. Thank you.

And I think it's awesome to see you every week because you've been kicking ass the last couple weeks. Yes. So much fun. Thanks. Guy, any parting words? I'm a fan. Thank you. Yeah, it's great. You're killing it. Thanks. Congratulations.

Did you get a big following from being on the Rogan podcast last week? Yeah, I got a lot of followers from her. Her and Sarah Weinshank, who's normally the other regular, but she's not going to make it tonight. That's a made-up fake Jewish last name. That's a pretend Jewish last name. Right, it's normally the other regular, but she's not going to make it tonight. That's a made-up fake Jewish last name. That's a pretend Jewish last name. Right, it's true. Her name originally was just OK Sarah,

but then she went with... I literally, by the way, when... Let me explain something really funny that just happened. I had to think of what... I had to remember that it was OK beforehand, and it was so hard to think of it, I had to remember that it was okay beforehand, and it was so hard to think of it that my head literally itched.

I swear to God, like I just had to go like that to get it that fast. But I guess that's one that the video podcast fans will be able to rewind. Watch me literally drag the words okay from the comedian earlier in the night for what we would call a well-landed callback. I nailed the fucking landing. Kim, great job. Another new minute. Congratulations. Great job.

In replacement of Sarah Weinshank, who normally would do the final minute of the night right now, I want to do something extremely fun because I see that they're both here. I want to have an Asian comedian one minute the final minute of the night right now. I want to do something extremely fun because I see that they're both here. I want to have an Asian comedian one minute off. Two of the best brand new comedians that we've seen in the past few months here. I see them in the back of the room.

Obviously they signed up. And normally this would be a spot just for the one regular anyway. So let's do something fun tonight and have them each do a minute. Going first, put your hands together for Fang Chao everybody here he is they're so they're so good that I know both of them by name I don't even need to look at the pieces of paper thank you everybody come on stick with it we're almost there I woke up this morning looking like this, and I speak broken English. So get ready.

I'm going back to China for the holidays. There's no such a thing called Christmas in China, but I gotta upgrade my immune system. That's a thinker. That's why you assholes are afraid of Ebola. Chinese food is a problem, let's talk about it. Chinese people will eat anything that moves. That's not a joke. It's me trying to educate you people. Eating tiger penis is a thing over there. Right? I feel like I don't need a punchline for that shit. No, but the thing is, like, it's supposed to help you last longer during sex.

But for me, if i don't do it i'll just say hey i fucked up leave the tiger penises alone it's for the tiger pussies all right i'm running out of time thank you i love it man that's a fucking crush fest thanks that's what i'm talking about i really appreciate. Are you really going home to China? Yeah, tomorrow. That's awesome. Lucky. How long is that flight?

It's 14 hours. Los Angeles to Beijing, 14 hours. Jealous. Bring me home a couple days. But it was really funny that Kenny said, dude, just eat some pepperonis before you go through the custom. You're going to be fine. Yeah, you going to do it?

Go do it. Have you ever done that? Go do it. I've never done it, but it's Kenny, though. You know? Kenny Lyon. Oh, yeah, don't do it. Yeah, you gonna do it? Go do it. Have you ever done that? Go do it. I've never done it, but it's Kenny though, you know? Kenny Lyon. Oh yeah, don't do it. Yeah, don't, don't. No offense to Kenny, but you know.

If you haven't done that before, I have bad news. You wouldn't make it to China. You'd make it to the first level of a TSA at LAX. And you would start to panic, and then you would just come back. I stopped eating pot brownies on airplanes when I had a bad experience where I had to sit in the bathroom and splash water on my face

and then people were knocking. I would go back to my seat for three minutes and then go back to the whole plane room. I thought it was dying and splashing. You know what, Brian? You look like a dude that I should take the advice from. With the pot brownies. Don't do it. I'm pretty sure he just said that you look like the advice from you. With the pot brownies. Don't do it. I'm pretty sure he just said that you look like

the kind of guy that would eat pot brownies and know what you're talking about. Seth Rogen. It's long. It's 14 hours. Yeah. I'd be careful with the pot brownies. I usually take a couple Jack when I get on the plane. Oh, a couple Jack

Daniels. I like whiskey. Yeah, of course you do. Do you hack computers? Yeah, look at me. Of course I do. Are you a hacker? Am I a hacker? What kind of question is that?

I was born with that kind of skills. I know. Kung fu. I make orange chicken. Look at me. You set up deliver orange chicken. Jokes are delivered tonight, but you know. Bang fucking sow.

I love you. I like him. I really enjoyed that you like owned the Chineseness without sort of serving people up the cliches that they want. Because sometimes you have people who get up and they're like racially or gay people do it sometimes where they're just making like cliched cliched jokes to the people in the audience the thing is Chinese people will eat anything like that's right yeah

and that's funny and interesting and white people don't think about it all the time I told them it's not a joke it's education yeah no no it was it was great work you should have had a fucking tiger penis punch line don't you have a fucking tiger penis punchline. You have a fucking minute. Don't waste time saying, I don't need a punchline for that. Give us a hilarious punchline because you're running out of time. Yeah, what does it do again?

The tiger penis? It makes you last longer? It helps you last longer during sex. It's as good as the rhinoceros horn. You can grind that down. That's what you think, but tiger penis... No, no, no, I've tried both. You've tried both? Of course. Oh, yeah. You eat tiger penis? The powder, they make it a powder. Tiger penis powder.

It's great. By the way, that makes you gay. No. If you've had penis powder in your mouth. It's a cat dick. Cat dick. I was going to say, you know, like I was going to get... I love that you say no and get defensive about it. I'm like, oh, by the way, you're gay now. You're like, no, I'm not. Come on, man.

It's a tiger penis. If I go home and lick my cat's dick right now. Get a TV or something, Brian. Get a TV. Of course, it doesn't make you gay by eating an animal penis. No, just licking it? No. So, fuck yeah.

Fang, what do you think about this guy, George? I know you love Chinese. You know what? I'm just wondering, did he buy those shoes at Foot Locker or did they make them in China? Those are some interesting looking shoes. Those are the military forks. I do have cousins, but I got it at Foot Locker. I waited in line.

Are you a Jordan fan? Yeah, I am. Okay, cool, man. Fuck yeah, dude. You know what? I like you. Montel Jordan. I like this.

This is how we do it. I used to make them back in China. You know what? I like you. You're how we do it. I used to make them back in China. You know what? I like you. You're quick to your punchlines. I've seen a lot of Asian acts, and by watching you, it was like eating Top Ramen that tasted different. I take that as accomplished.

Yes, yes. I didn't put tapatio or cilantro in it. It was perfect. There you go. Fang, you're a very funny guy. It was fun to have you back on. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good night, guys.

Have a good night. He's on Twitter at Fang Chao, guys. So how about that? Fucking love him. It's always fun. I want more. By the way, if you're listening to this at home, more Asians, please come out.

I love it. And real quick, we're going to get our one other Asian up. I don't know what makes the Asians the funniest people that do this show. Maybe it's the Chinese lanterns that we put up. It's a decoration they're just drawn to them like zombies. But another hilarious young, brand new comic

that we've seen here in the last few weeks is here tonight. We're going to throw him up for one quick minute. Put your hands together for Tam Pham. Yeah. Best avatar on Twitter. Heck yeah. Here he is. I'm intensely shy, and no matter what I've done, I haven't been able to change that. I think maybe it's just part of my DNA, you know, like the gene that makes me short,

or the gene that makes my eyes brown, or the gene that makes me terrified of black people. That's a lie. My eyes are really more of a hazel. In all seriousness, I'm actually pretty progressive. Fortunately, when I was growing up, I had a lot of positive black role models on TV. And that actually has helped. I feel that modern TV could use more people like the ones that were on back then, you know, like LeVar Burton, Jaleel White, Bill Kotler, LeVar Burton. Thanks, everybody. Fuck yeah, 50 Seconds of Thunder. That's all new shit.

Tam Fam, now you're from the Vietnamese family of the Asians, right? I am. Fuck yeah. Oh, yeah. I did a Tony. I'm learning, dude. You're quick, dog. Dude, you are too.

Look, you just shanked everybody with that knowledge. No, ninja star, ninja star, dog. You know, it's a fun fact. It's that Chinese Asians think Vietnamese Asians are like the Mexican of Asian. Whoa. Is fucking Fang Chao still here to acknowledge that? Fang, where'd you go?

I think he had to make his flight. Is that true, right? Why would a white boy tell Asians to do it? Oh, shit. I'm pretty sure Fang just said, you're starting shit, dude. And knowing what... I mean, Fang looks like one of those guys that'll just fucking float kick you from right up there.

He's gonna jump in trees. His body moves, and he doesn't even have to fucking... Just a foot comes right into your head. He's going to have those get in shape girl ribbons. Remember those? He's doing those. He went from a alright, fuck it.

Did you get any followers when I tweeted you this week? I doubled my followers. Oh shit. The red band push. The bump. The death squad bump. He is the best avatar ever. It's almost like the two hand side, but instead it's like.

Yeah. It's a real like mall photo, right? Where'd you get that from? You just took your head shots like that? And you're like, I want to do a goofy like this. Right, yeah. That's great, dude. I can take a serious one.

Nobody can take my face seriously. Tam, speaking of taking things seriously, you got up here and you said that you were very shy while wearing a shirt that says in very gigantic prints your twitter handle there's some disjuncture there i had some trouble believing that you were shy yeah that is a rough one. I'm shy and I have no dignity. How about that? That was self-evident. But also, like, it's good branding your T-shirt. But I don't know that I take you seriously as a comedian. And your jokes were very funny. And I would like to take you seriously as a comedian.

But I do have a sense of dignity. And that T-shirt offends mine. I can understand that. I've seen him do some other minutes to where I'm like, oh, I get it, wear the shirt, you know. Mike Black wears his own face on his shirt every single show. The only reason I think I remembered you is because of that shirt. It brands you in some weird way.

I think in the future you're probably not going to have that shirt on. But it's working because me and Tony both remember you and your comedy's great. Brian, if you ever want to get branded in a weird way, there's a club on the east side that does that sort of thing. No, but I mean, honestly, dude, I have no problem with the shirt because it works. We really like you.

One could say that we are Tam fans. Yeah. And that's Tam fam, everybody. There he goes. We did it. Kill Tony number 84, everybody. That easy. Little painless needle for you. Thank you so much

to Hormoz Rashidi. He's on Twitter at Hormoz Rashidi. H-O-R-M-O-Z-R-A-S-H-I-D-I. Elise Lane, you know about her. She's amazing. Josh Martin Comic. Guy Branum, what's going on? What do you want to promote? At Guy Branum on Twitter. And it's the end of the year, so I don't know. Oh, if you're in Scottsdale or Phoenix, Arizona, go the Scottsdale Whatever the comedy club is That weekend that I'm there January 8th through 11th

George Perez At George P Comedy Headlining Brea Improv January 7th And tomorrow I'm doing an underground show With Joey Coco Diaz Jeff Garcia And Red Band's in the building.

Yeah. It's the strip club that I DJ in the daytime's Christmas party. Yeah. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. This was Fun Times, everybody. Thank you so much to the live audience. Have a great night. Brian Red Band.

See you guys. Yeah. Yeah. I got bacon soda. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it.

I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it.

I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it.

I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it.

I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it.

I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it.

I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold it. I'm gonna hold