KILL TONY - KILL TONY #86

Episode Date: February 22, 2015

Russell Peters, Jesus Trejo, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Light Skinned Patriot / Jerron Horton, Brian Redban – Date: 12/29/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv, and click on Tour Dates. We have a bunch of new Tour Dates coming soon, including next Wednesday. Well, this Wednesday, depending on when you're listening to it. We have a huge Death Squad show at the Comedy Store in the main room. It's a secret show, and it's a special edition. It's for Dean Del Rey's birthday. It's Bill Burr,

Joe Rogan, Mark Maron, me, Dean Del Rey, Pete Holmes, and a lot of special guests. Again, that's February 25th at 8.30 in the main room. The Death Squad

secret show, Dean Del Rey birthday bash. So check it out. Also find out that we're at the Ice House every Friday. Don't forget, we have a 10 o'clock show every Friday at the Ice House. So check it out. Go to icehousecomedy.com to get more info. And then we are proud to announce 420.

Oh yeah, bro. We are going to be in Vancouver. And details and information are coming soon. We also have a San Francisco date coming soon. A Sacramento date coming soon. Other things being worked on every day. And don't forget. The 100th episode of Kill Tony

is going to be April 13th at the Comedy Store. It's a free show, so reserve your tickets now. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, don't forget that. Find all his information there, including his own merch

and his own stuff. And don't forget ShopSquad.TV. We have the new Cheshire Checkers cat shirt that just went on sale. And it's selling out very fast. It might already be sold out. But don't worry. I think I'm going to do a second run on that shirt because so many people jumped on that one. So you guys must want it.

So I'll do another second run soon so check out shop squad dot tv all right guys here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from the road famous comedy store Comedy Store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff. Holy moly. It's a packed Monday night at the Comedy Store. We did it again. Hi, live audience. Fuck yeah, this is so exciting. I'm glad you guys are here.

We have another crazy show where us comedians and two other hilarious comedians always watch newer or recently transplanted comedians. And we talk about comedy. You guys excited or what? It's like our last episode of 2014, everybody. So we're doing a little New Year's blowout. Not really. I mean, nothing really changed from the original format.

We are filming in 4K now, so we're going to have a crazy high definition Kill Tony's coming very soon. Technology, everybody. Technology that North Korea can't fuck up. And we got a new sound recorder, and we had a benefit show, so we were getting a new sound system put in here for the belly room. He raised a bunch of money to put new speakers in here. How about that? Instead of listening to it on... Instead of listening

to live shows on these two... Car speakers that were stolen from somebody's car in the parking lot. Take a quick look at how small those two speakers actually are. And there's only two. At a world-famous comedy club. You walk inside and there's two AM radios hanging from the ceilings.

That's what they look like, like boom boxes. Right, it looks like it has a dial that would get scratchy in between things. Lainey, be careful. There's a new camera there. Yeah, don't touch that camera. Lainey and Jerry, put your hands together for them. They make it to pretty much every episode, these two. It's like if I had real parents. And they're sitting next to our one and only sponsor,

eating her own delicious food. It's the great Elyse Lane, everybody. She's here, live in the flesh. She made something delicious tonight. And normally I read the crazy words that she's a gourmet chef. Live in the flesh, she made something delicious tonight. And normally I read the crazy words that she's a gourmet chef, so it's hard to say some words. And one of the things that we did in 2014 is we came up with a part of the show where Josh Martin, this was actually his idea,

is he reads it and he has a speech impediment. And if he fucks up at any point or pauses or stutters or says something dumb he gets hit in the nuts from brian and we did this uh you know six or seven times and it was a lot of fun and you know i think a lot of people thought that we were hurting him when it really was his idea he likes getting hit in the nuts. Yeah, he loves it. He pays women to stomp on his balls with high heels, so it's nothing... Well, that part wasn't true. So we're going to do it one more time

as one of our favorite segments of 2014. One last time, Josh Martin reads what we ate tonight with the gourmet chef cooked for us. And if he fucks up at any point, he gets hit in the nuts. Are you guys ready for Will Josh Get Hit in the Nuts? It's that time. Now, you know the deal. I'm going to hand it to him.

You guys get in position. What weapon should I use today? Well, you know, just make sure you don't. Something that happened a couple times is you, like, accidentally tap him in the nuts before he fucks up. So be careful

not to do that. Wait until he fucks up. Hold on. Because he tries to read it before each time. Yeah. I don't want him to read it

and get warmed up to it. I just want to find out which word I can fuck up on so I can get hit in the nuts. He wants it bad tonight. All right. You guys ready for this?

If he fucks up at any point, he gets hit in the nuts. It's pretty simple. It's comedy 101 to get you guys warmed up. I already see four words. All right. Stop giving it to him. Just read it. Tonight we have roasted chicken with lemony Mediterranean orzo

with cherry tomatoes. Just hit me in the nuts because I don't know that word. Cod, tomato, olives, feta cheese, mint, and lemon zest. Very good. One tap for each testicle and he's out. It's true. It really isn't as funny as it used to be.

It's completely lost its momentum. He doesn't feel the pain. If somebody was up here... The whole thing is just creepy because he likes getting hit in the nuts. I know. One thing that does still work and that we've been doing for the last, I think,

five or six weeks in a row is bringing up our favorite musical guest. He's so funny to us. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan, everybody. Here he is. Here he is. live in the flesh tell you a little bit about myself my name is Pat and I'm a prophet and I'm here to tell

you about the end of the world just coming very very soon so enjoy this song well you still can. Thank you. Well, it's too damn hot in Los Angeles All the birds and bees can't fly. Instead, they end up dead in my swimming pool. Makes you sort of wonder why. Why do we live here? What the fuck are we doing? And where are we going to go in the big shit cup?

We can't survive here. It's a fucking jail, sir have you seen the trip? hey, got a new one you can travel this land with your dick in your hand and your head right up your ass but there's a record fucking drought

that has to line it in and out let's see how long our water lasts. I do a lift here. What the fuck are we doing? And where are we going to go when the big shit comes? We don't belong here. Probably going to be an earthquake. And we're all gonna die

On the one other word You can shut, I'm gonna I'm gonna shut my windows Close my blinds, turn on my A.C. I don't aim to be there for but in times I'll just watch it on TV The rising waters will envelop the coast. The sun will scorch our backs. Keith Richards will be safe in a magic boat

with Magic Johnson and Greg's dad. I've been a douchebag, been a scumbag, had a browser's account. At last it was all in vain cause no maternal curvy asian who could one day be a reagan will survive the end of days one more time why do we live here what the fuck are we doing and where we're gonna go with the big shit puns why do we live here what the fuck are we doing and where we're gonna go with the big shit comes Why do we live here What the fuck are we doing And where we gonna go

When the big shit comes Why do we live here What the fuck are we doing And where we gonna go When the big shit comes Why do we live here What the fuck are we doing Better move to Indiana What the fuck are we doing? Better move to Indiana before the big shit comes.

Thank you, guys. Fuck yeah. Pat Reagan. I know it was weird, but thanks. That was amazing. Pat Reagan, everybody, is on Twitter I know it was weird, but thanks. That was amazing. Pat Reagan, everybody, is on Twitter at Patty Reagan, P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N. One more time for Pat Reagan, everybody.

I love him. So awesome. You know, every single week we also have a head of security that stays with us during the entire show, keeps us safe. Used to be a guy in a $5,000 Iron Patriot outfit. Iron Patriot's sort of like a patriotic version of Iron Man. And there was a guy that had this amazing suit, said he was a big fan of the Death Squad podcast and that he wanted to be on it. So we let him be on the show

wearing this $5,000 Iron Patriot outfit for 20 or 30-some episodes. And the show started to $5,000 Iron Patriot outfit for 20 or 30 some episodes. And the show started to get bigger and more popular. And he said that it was because of him. And he left the show and demanded that I only contact him when it gets put on TV, which the whole point of it is that it can't be put on TV because it's raw and anything can happen here. But anyway, ever since then, to show him how replaceable he is, every single week we have a completely different person in a $15 Amazon outfit of the same kind

do exactly a better job at what that guy was doing. Right there, standing on that stage. So our Iron Patriot this week is actually, it's this guy's second time doing it. We loved him the first time. Very funny young comic who's suited up for tonight. Put your hands together for Jerron Horton. He is

a racist patriot. Very racist we found out last time he was here. Mostly against Asians. The anti-Asian patriot in a surprising twist. Underneath the suit, he is a

light-skinned black man. And we found out you're a little bit racist against Asians, right? Not racist. I just feel like they're not discriminated enough against. Oh, there you go. So not racist at all. Just feels like they should be discriminated against more.

That's like the opposite of racism. I love your style. I love his hands up. Oh, I see. Oh, yeah, I get it. That's great. Black lives matter. Oh, shit.

I'm actually wearing a I can't breathe shirt under here. I can't see it. Wow. Representing. Fuck, yeah. He also has my car stereo in his car. Boom. Well, we're glad you're back.

How's everything going? Everything's great. You excited about tonight's guests? I am. Me too. You ready to bring them up? Yeah, let's bring them up. Let's do it.

Guys, tonight, two of my funniest friends, as always. And as always, a very special one. Put your hands together for them. It's Jesus Trejo and Russell Peters, everybody. Two of the funniest people I know. No big deal. What's up, buddy? Russell Peters, Jesus Trejo.

They've both been on the show one time before. Our sponsor is a chef. That's Elise Lane sitting over there. Yeah, right over there. She's a gourmet chef. And I'm excited for you to try her food. I should probably use a microphone, shouldn't I? I'm excited for you to try her food because you're probably the only comedian that we've had on this show in the past 15 weeks that she's been our one sponsor.

She cooks for the guests. You're probably the only comedian that we've had on the show that can actually hire her for something. I actually do need a chef because I'm getting fatter than you can fucking imagine. There you go. She specializes in vegan. I didn't say I became gay. I just said I'm fat.

Oh, shit. You son of a bitch. Are you a vegan too? Yeah, I dabble in them. You do of a bitch. Are you a vegan, Tony? Yeah. I dabble in them. You do dabble. I can't have dairy. Really? Yeah.

Aren't you from like Midwest? Yeah, it's weird. You're the weirdest Midwest. I know. And Red Band. What about you? I can eat everything. Yeah, you're like me, buddy. And Jesus is just too poor to eat.

Yeah, too poor. Jesus, how's it going? What's going on in your life? Anything crazy? Nothing, chilling. I'm just excited about the Slim Patriot over here. Yeah, he is a skinny one. He's a skinny one.

He's as big as it did back there. Huh? Yeah, that one either. I think he just short-circuited for a second. Patriot, every week everybody always has questions for the guests what are your questions for tonight's guests? first one's for Russell Russell, I looked you up

I see that you tour all over the world what's your favorite country to tour perform in? you know, I think I like South Africa quite a bit, which I'll be going back to in a couple weeks it's an honest answer it wasn't even funny, it was just an honest answer. It wasn't even funny.

It was just an honest answer. It was the first place I was ever famous on any level. 13 years ago, 14 years ago. First place I had to change my name at the hotel. That's amazing. Pistorius ever come out to see you? Wait, that's South Africa.

Yeah, that's what you said, right? He bounced over a couple of times. I never met him. Good thing is if he doesn't like your act, he probably stays through the whole thing, you know what I mean? Because that's super awkward. It's hard to sneak out. Right. It's like wearing tap shoes.

Yeah. Going somewhere? By the way, Patriot, I love that you said that you looked that up, that he tours around the world doing stadiums. Good job. I appreciate your awareness. What was the grumpy cat like? You recently met the grumpy cat.

The grumpy cat. She's actually a really sweet little cat. She just looks miserable, but she's a dwarf cat. Did you know that? Yeah. She's got short legs and shit. Yeah, it's adorable. It's one of my favorite celebrities.

She really is. It's super weird. I was once actually at an event when YouTube had the big YouTube comedy show a year ago. I was there and helping some people write some things. And it was creepy because the red carpet had like real big celebrities. Really? Yeah. And that were on that show.

And in the middle of it sprinkled in were internet celebrities and Grumpy Cat was literally on the red carpet. That's awesome. Like this. Yeah. Have you seen Dinky yet? Dinky the dog? No.

It's just this pimp dog with sunglasses. It just sits there with like a gun sticking out of its pants. It's awesome. Wow. You got to meet Dinky. You really go in, huh? Yeah. I'm into the dog. It's just this pimp dog with sunglasses. It just sits there with a gun sticking out of its pants. It's awesome. Wow. You got to meet Dinky. You really go in, huh? Yeah. I'm into the animals.

I'm not the guy. People ask me, you must have seen blah, blah, blah. I go, no, that means I'd have to be fucking wasting my time on YouTube all day when I could be looking at porn. Exactly. Like a gentleman. Exactly. What's your favorite kind of porn?

What would we find in your search keywords? What's the top one? I'm a degenerate. I'm a fucking degenerate everything huh no you just type in the word dirty yeah it's like it's like first it has to be uh uh feet women's feet oh that's right yeah you forgot about that right and older women's feet no no really yeah not fucked up versions of them oh my god i don't know i think he just blew something. Blew a gasket. Now there's like a little cotton in between the toe. Is that like the biggest turn? That's not good. No, that's bad. They can't be dirty. I didn't say I'm on fucking dirty feet. Just pretty feet. And I don't want to do anything to them. I just like looking at them.

It's not like I'm like fucking a chicken. I'm like, I'm just like, I need to know that they're there. The feet. Yeah. There they are. Okay, we're good. Wow, I'm like the complete opposite. Like, I could be with, like, if Pistorius had a twin sister. Yeah. I don't need feet at all. Yeah, that's, what is your thing? He likes amputee porn.

Boys, what is it? Right, you know, like. Little vegan boys. Yeah, exactly. I like. Vegan twinks. I just type in my name in Google and start jerking off. That's pretty much it.

So you like lesbian porn. Yeah. It's true. Jesus, how about you? What's your favorite porn? First thing you type in usually. First thing I type in is BBW. Really?

Wow. Look at this. This is a very pro-BBW crowd. Holy shit. You got that big roar. We're fucking assholes. Everybody in the room wanted to yell it at once. You said it. Everybody's like,

he's one of us. BBWs. Just in case you're wondering, that's not Big Black Wieners. That's Big Beautiful Women. I thought it was big black women. There you go. I just settled for what I saw. I like that I discovered what pog meant.

Pog? Yeah, P-A-W-G. Cardboard cutouts. Pog. Wait, what is it? Pog the game. Perfect ass white girls. Oh, P-A-W-G.

I never heard that. I know what B-B-B-W is, though. What's that? Big black beautiful women. So that's what I usually go for. Yeah, they're usually suggested underneath a BBW. Yeah. You know what I mean?

If you like these ones. Not that I've tried the other ones. Jaron, what's your question for Jesus? Jesus, I also looked you up. There ain't shit up there. It just said your birthday passed. It's Christmas. Yeah.

No? All right. I noticed that you toured all over Texas. All over South Texas. What's your favorite city to perform in in South Texas? South Texas. That's it. Corpus.

I like touring Corpus. I know all five people there. Yeah, it's his own hometown. So his family is kind enough to go see me, and that's my crowd. Heck, yeah. Corpus Christi. Yeah. Lovely.

Thank you. Great questions, Patriot. Well, you guys ready to get this thing kick-started? Over 30 comedians signed up for the chance to do one minute. Yes. Wow. Somebody just figured out what the fucking show is. Thanks for coming out.

You know, I forgot what the fuck your show was about. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I know. It's like the Kool-Aid man just came here. Oh, yeah. I'm going to keep that star on our side. Yeah, exactly. So you know how it works.

There's comedians stacked up against that wall over there, and they signed up for the chance to do a minute. And if you get picked, wrap it up in a minute. Didn't I do this TV show already? No, that's a different one. There's no winners and losers here. Okay, good. We just try to talk.

Okay. A minute's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wow. How about that one? Looks like somebody got the West Hollywood Bear a little dirt bike for Christmas. He's got a heavy hoof. Yeah.

Ran into a cow at the end of all that. Well, let's get it started. Here we go. Your first comedian tonight doing one minute is Tommy Rico. Yeah. Thanks, everybody. Appreciate that. I'm a married guy.

My wife is a successful attorney. I'm a stand-up comedian, a field where success is a more relative term. My wife, when a woman makes a little more money than you, people ask questions like, who wears the pants in your family? Hey, I wear the pants. I mean, she buys them, and I wash them, but then I get to wear them, and when I put them on, if I look good, she smacks me on the ass, and I feel pretty. We got a 12-month-old son who I helped make. He's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life, which is becoming a huge problem because you can't

spoil your kid. You have to make sure the rewards match the deeds when they do something new. And a few months ago, my son learned how to hug his father. And I wrote him a check for $25,000. I thought it was fair. It didn't clear, by the way, because I thought that was a lesson my son should learn right away. Daddy's long on love, but he's short on dough, kid. If you really want something, hug your mother. That's what I do. All right, thank you guys very much.

I appreciate it. Boom. Tommy Rico, 53 seconds. Tommy Rico. Hey, can I ask? A 12-month-old son, wouldn't that just be a year? Yeah, it's a year. Okay.

You have to commemorate when the joke was first written. My fucking ADD was fixated on it. I'm like, that's a year. And what's your son's name? Lorenzo. Lorenzo Rico? Lorenzo Rico. Look for him in 18 years in porn.

Yeah. Or one 345 months. That's a math joke. There you go. That couldn't work out. It can't possibly end in a five. Fuck. Where are you from?

I'm from Boston. I can tell. Appreciate it. How long you been here? Been here for a little under two years. You didn't hear that? I didn't hear it. So I went to him to my son, and I was like, hey, what are you doing here?

I thought he was doing a character of an comic in the 80s. No, I talk like that. Like Bill Hartman or something. It's a medium. I don't have that hard an accent, but when you move out here, everybody thinks something's an accent. It sounds like a character. If you weren't going to say Boston, I thought, all right, you're playing a character. No, I'm a Boston guy. That's my affliction.

So you came out here two years ago? Two years ago. For stand-up. For stand-up, took a little time off for the guy and just came back out. Oh, yeah, for the guy. He's a year old. Moved out here and realized that no matter how many people you work with, no matter how long you've been doing it, you start over.

And it's humbling. It's a punch in the fucking face. And if you can take it, it's a beautiful place. I love L.A. How long were you doing it in Boston? I did 11 years there, two years in San Antonio, Texas, and I've been here for the rest of the time. Wow. Exactly.

Crazy. What does the wife do? She's an attorney for a government agency. Can I pay attention to it? No, I missed it. An attorney for a government agency. Can I pay attention to her? No, I missed that. An attorney for a government agency? Yes. Wow. What? CAA? CAA. I can't tell you

because the homeland would be less secure if I didn't. Wow. Don't run. Don't run. You're okay. Jesus is cool. Oh, God damn. It's not INS. Migna? Is your real name Tommy Rico? My last name is an unusable last name. There's already a famous guy Rico it's my last name is an unusable last name there's already

a famous guy with him my last name is Morello mom's side of the family is Cuban last name is Rico last Rico passed away my grandmother passed away so I took the name as kind of a tribute but yeah no my last name is that story went nine generations

Tom Morello. Is your first name really Tommy? No, he's the guitarist from... Mozzarella? Yeah. Rage Against the Machine, Audio Slave. When I moved out here, I didn't realize that it was like telling people at a mic

that, you know, oh, I'm Bruce Springsteen. Could I go up? And I got shit on quite a bit. So your name is literally Tom Morello. Yeah. Wow. Is that the bald guy? He's the night watchman, right?

He's the guy that introduced Kiss at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He's a badass motherfucker. He has an Italian last name, but he's like an ethnic ballage. He looks like me. I thought he was me. I walked up and was like, hey, what the fuck am I doing there? Do you play any instruments? I do not.

And that would make it difficult if I was up on a marquee any time soon. Have you ever met Tom Morello? I have not. He's a Harvard grad, and he lives up there. So he was aware of me, because I did stand up under my own name for a while. But nah, he doesn't call it.

He's a Harvard grad? Yeah. Wow. Smart dude. How'd you do in Boston? Because I know Boston's comedy scene is coming back lately. It's kind of had a weird time. Yeah, I loved it. All the top comics are from there, right?

Yeah. When I was there, guys, there was a generation before me that was like Eugene Merman and Brendan Small and those guys. They kind of blew up. While I was there, it was Mike Kaplan and Shane Moss. Gary Gullman. I was there for a fun time, and I figured it was, like,

should I get off the pot time because I got older. So I had to be somewhere other than Boston to try to catch a break. Right. And then Bloomin' Wright closed down the club. Yeah. Well, he sold up. I mean, he's got the big club now, 1,300 seats. I was there.

So you've been the stay-at-home dad pretty much for the first year. Yeah. It's been awesome. What's that like? He's great. I mean, I never wanted kids, so when I found a great wife. Yeah, I'm like you, buddy. I have one.

I didn't want one. Yeah, but he's amazing. I'm glad I get to take care of him. It's the best day job I've ever had, that's for sure. What's fun about it? What would you do? What's exciting? What stood out to you?

What surprised you about having to be a dad during the day? How old are you? I'm 40. Because I was resistant to having kids, I knew how surprised you about having to be a dad during the day? Because I was... I'm 40. Because I was resistant to having kids. I knew how hard it was going to be. So it was about as hard as I expected it to be. Resistant or like retardant? I think I did a little

of both over the years. I didn't get married until I was like 37. We wanted a kid and we had him and he's awesome. Every day I wake up with him. I get to take a nap when he does, which is pretty cool. And then at the end of the night, wife comes home. We have dinner. I tag out, and I leave, and I go into the city and do this.

You watch a lot of kids' TV with him? No, he doesn't seem to like it, which is great. He will. Trust me. Those high voices. I fucking hate it, but it's on all the time, buddy. What's his favorite thing? He's 12 months old.

He likes music. He'll face the TV for that, but in the morning, just to have white noise in the background, I'll have first take ESPN on, and he'll only respond when that rap song comes on at the beginning. Then he checks out. Oh, shit. Well, he has the name of a rapper, too. Yes, he does. Lorenzo Rico. Absolutely.

Lorenzo Rico. I mean, he has the name of a black rapper, but he'll be able to work with it. And he's Mexican and Cuban, so he's of color, I suppose. And then did you call him Loren in the joke? You call him that for short? No, I just call him Lorenzo. Oh, I haven't figured out which short. Don't change it.

Lorenzo's a good name. Right, yeah. I thought I heard you say Loren in the middle of the thing. No, I don't mention the name of the jokes. Just to a podcast full of thousands of people listening. Not to the 20 people that are in here. To the thousands of people, sure. Hey, there's 40.

Yes, there are. Because you know listeners of this show jerk off to comedians' names, kids' names. You had to say it. Well, some of them do. Not all of them. Well, fun times, Tommy. It was nice to meet you. I appreciate it. Thank you guys so much. There you go.

We got to talk with Tommy. We'll talk to Tommy Rico. He's got the jacket of a comedian, for sure. That's a hardcore comedian jacket. Dubbed David off, John. Yeah, totally. Black leather zippers. Cookies. Find him on Twitter. He's at Tommy Rico Suave, everybody.

So you can look him up. Follow him. He's one of the more experienced comics we've had on. Wow. You hated that guy, huh, Patriot? It's starting to seep out over there. I can smell hate out of that suit. He looked like an old-ass Sean Hunter from Boy Meets World.

You remind me of that. Wow. Wow. Like if his dad stayed in his life, you know what I'm saying? Holy shit. You went back to 96 for that reference. Actually, before that. Boy Meets World.

I had to. I still don't know what the fuck you're talking about but I'm impressed by the reference like I don't know I can't put a face to it but damn it must be perfect yeah I don't watch crappy crap I saw Jungle Fever

fuck yeah thanks for the one person. Okay. Well, I pulled out another name. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jeremy Lopez. Jeremy Lopez. Uh-oh. He just missed his spot.

You know what that means. He just got... Is that you, Jeremy? Oh, just taking your time. There he is. Fuck yeah. I had to grab his backpack. You know what that means. He just got... Is that you, Jeremy? Oh, just taking your time. Yeah, there he is. Fuck yeah, I had to grab his backpack. Come on, J-Lo. What's up?

What you know about orange chicken? What you guys know about orange chicken? Orange chicken is the best chicken ever invented, man. Whoever came up with orange chicken is a fucking genius, man best chicken ever invented, man. Whoever came up with the orange chicken is a fucking genius, man. I love it, man. What you know about chocolate milk? What you know

about chocolate milk, dog? Whoever made up chocolate milk should be awarded a medal, dude. Uh, see, uh, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold I don't know if black chicks got chocolate milk coming out their titties But if they do I'm gonna marry one I'm gonna have one as my slave

And every day I'm gonna suck on her titties. There you go. You got upset. All right, there you go. Yeah. Hey, what you know about stand-up comedy? Not much. Yeah, man.

Boom. Fuck. What happened, man. Boom. Fuck. What happened, man? Did you get orange chicken and chocolate milk for the first time ever this week? Yeah. You can't eat those two together. You're going to shit yourself. Right.

He showed up with premises to a gunfight. God damn. Jesus. Get off the premises. Right. I was waiting for anything. You just kept naming things that you like a lot, huh? Well, not so much that.

You just wanted to know what you knew about it. Right. It was kind of like a group Google search. Orange chicken, what you know about that? It was like an aggressive Jeopardy or some shit. What you know about orange chicken for 400? Aggressive Jeopardy. Yeah.

So, you know, black chocolate, milk, and black women and slaves, three words that should never go together. Right. Yeah, the slave part. I mean, if you would have told me that the worst part was still to come in the middle of that, I would have been like, no way. But that was the worst. I was waiting on the ironic

part there. And of all the nights for you to do it, the only time Lil Wayne is sitting in the front row. Lil Weezy is in the heezy. He kept tagging his ignorance. He just kept going and going. And I was watching, by the way.

We have the best cameras for people sitting in the front row. As soon as he said slave, he was sitting there like this. I saw him react. I'm like, oh, shit. His eyes just closed like this. You know what it looked like? You know when you get that sharp pain? You're sitting there.

Ah. That's the fucking pain. Ah. What the fuck was that? He sat on a hemorrhoid or some shit. You don't buy hemorrhoids. What? For 400.

What's in the backpack, man? I don't know, but if he leaves it behind, I'm out of here. I don't think he's going to double bomb. Oh! Yikes. Fuck yeah. Oh! Yikes. Fuck yeah. Yeah! Yikes.

Fatality. I mean, last time you were on, you did kind of the same. Wait, I was on before? Yeah. And you kind of did the same thing kind of where you're not really doing material. And if you are, it's like, what? What do you know about it? Do you really want to be a comic?

Or like the autistic alternative comedy scene? Do you watch a lot of Josh and go, I could do this? I think personal Joshy. You look like Tito Ortiz after a fight. Yeah, he does. Did something happen? No boxing fans? Oh, nothing.

I mean, really. Do you really have a set, or do you just fucking around? Just fucking around. That's not like your thing. You're not just the premise guy, and right when people think you're about to do a joke, you just go into the next thing? I was just working it out. That's a good angle.

It sort of is. I mean, well, I don't know. Not really. Well, it's at least a good premise. Yeah. You do have good premises. I was certain you were going to say something about orange chicken, but you said nothing.

Like the chocolate milk, the black woman breastfeeding, like, you know, that's in the zeitgeist. That's right up with Asian girls have a slanted pussy. That's right up there with that. Where you go? Oh, great. You hit all levels of bad tonight, which is hard to do. You went

over the line at one point with your slave reference. You went hacky with the chocolate milk. And you didn't do punchlines at all. You underachieved on the overachieving chicken. Right. Doing bad? You're the best, man. No.

Jeremy, do you eat orange chicken a lot? Yeah, I like orange chicken. You like it a lot. Have you ever had it with chocolate milk? Yeah. Just for the sake of comedy, you should have a third item with it yeah

cause comedy's in threes yeah or zeros in your case yeah uh oh that was that was the one

everybody really um everybody's starting to feel bad for him now you see that see the tides have turned even the black guy's like

hey man fuck stop fucking with him no it's hey man I got chocolate milk in my titties See, the tides have turned. Even the black guy's like, hey, man, fuck, stop fucking with him. Hey, man, I got chocolate milk in my titties. What were you going to say about orange chicken? Did you forget something, or did you just... I was at it. Were you thinking...

I was about it. Oh, well. Maybe you should think about it next time you're chewing some. Just really think about what it is about this chicken that makes you go, fuck, I need another line. I mean, you're Mexican, right? I think so, yeah. Yeah, well, I'm.

He's just like, nope, don't know. Orange chicken? What? Yeah. What'd you say? Doesn't he cook orange chicken? I'll go to Mr. Lowe. Oh.

Oh, Mexican joke. He's anti-Asian. Doesn't he cook orange chicken? I'll go to Mr. Wolf. He's anti-Asian. If you say orange chicken five times around him, he starts to flip out. What's the hand over the mouth thing? What are you doing over there, Patriot? Trying to breathe. You can take off that mask if you want to.

So you literally can't breathe after all, huh? Yeah. The shirt is burning through your chest. You could take off that mask if you really want to, man. Yeah, if you want to. Oh, yeah, just put it back on. So easy. I could never wear that thing. My nose was too fucking big.

Fuck, yeah. Your mustache is much more patriotic than that mask. That's amazing. You and Jesus look at each other and do each other's mustaches. We take turns doing each other's shit. He look like he's getting ready for bed and shit. Jeremy, Jeremy, what you know about mustaches? Not much.

I can't grow mine in. He does look like he's getting ready for bed. Yeah, like take your ass to bed. You got school in the morning. He got on his fucking underoos. Oh, my God. Jeremy Lopez, what do you wear to bed? What do I wear to bed?

Yeah. That's what I'm wearing on right now. What scares you? What are you afraid of? Changing, apparently. What you know about intimacy. The dark. The dark scares me. You're intimacy? The dark. The dark scares me.

You're afraid of the dark. Oh, me too. Hey, he has a name. I got this. Don't worry. Darkness. Darkness. Darkness.

This guy's a serious black guy, too, even has the Bluetooth around his neck right now just waiting to take a phone call. Oh, shit. I think somebody just threw something at the... Oh, it was Lainey. Lainey. She just realized there's a black call. Those are headphones. Oh shit. I think somebody just threw something at the... Oh, it was Lainey. She just realized there's a black guy sitting in front of her. She's from Beverly Hills. That's the sound of a white lady grabbing her purse.

Oh my god, that is what it was. Holy shit. She held it so tight it broke the strap. She's like, oh shit. She snatched her own purse. I'm gonna steal it first. Okay. Jeremy, fun times. She snatched the wrong purse. I'm going to steal it first. Okay, Jeremy, fun times.

Have a good day. Good job, Jeremy. I mean, for us. Right. I think we just helped him. I don't think he'll ever go on stage like that again. I think he'll do the exact same thing. Do you think we helped him? Him or them?

Seems like there's a good Mexican joke in Orange Chicken. I think Joe Coy did that already. Oh, really? Yeah. It's probably been done already. That's why as soon as he started, he goes, isn't this Joe Coy's joke? Holy shit. This young lady made her debut on this show two weeks ago, her L.A. comedy scene debut,

and she blew our minds. We've been starstruck ever since. This is her second time ever on the show. I'm excited to have her back. Sometimes this bucket pays off. It's rough. It's fun to have somebody back who I'm excited to see again. Her name is Jessica Wellington everybody.

Alright, so I'm a single woman and I moved here from North Carolina. Fucking laugh at that. I moved here from North Carolina. I went to West Hollywood because it seemed to be popping to look for some single men. I walk in, and they got Shakira playing up on the screen. I'm like, this is awesome. You know, make my way to the back, there's all these dudes dancing,

and I'm like, this is awesome. And they all started taking off their shirts. I was like, this is fucking awesome. And then they started making out with each other. And I was like, this is awesome. This is awesome. Yeah. other and I was like this is awesome! Yeah, because at the time of that sports bra and this haircut I might still have a chance. Business on the right, party on the left. Do we have any single women in here? Single women?

I love being single, I absolutely love it. I can do what I want, when I want, how I want. I don't have to answer to anybody. But at the same time, I know I can't sit up here and lie to you guys and lie to myself. I know eventually I'm going to want to find that special person, that one guy that I'll try anal with again. Fuck yeah.

I missed the punchline. The cat meowed over it. It was the one guy that I missed the punchline the cat meowed over it it was the one guy that I missed the punchline because the fucking cat oh the one guy that I'll try anal with again oh there you go that's good see that

and I'm mad that I missed that now you know what I mean so fun you crushed great times thank you so how long have you been in LA now three months

three months yes having fun yeah I love it here it's great. All the shows, you can see all the talent. You guys, great. All the talent, you guys.

What was that? What the fuck is that? And you're from North Dakota? North Carolina. You need dairy in your life. Yeah, right? Just a little bit off. Heck yeah.

Which part of North Carolina? Matt Olive, Goldsboro, Seymour Johnson. Eh, that's what you want. Boom. You are on fire. Come on, son. Haven't been on stage in a while. I love it.

A lot of buildup in here. Yeah. So tell us more. How long have you been telling jokes? Three years this January. What was your home club? Comedy spot in Sacramento. Oh, because you started up there.

Yeah, and I just moved down here. Oh, okay. So she's not really in North Carolina anymore. Right. No, I was in the Air Force for six years, so I left. Now you're in the Hair Force. Yeah. Boom.

That's what I did there, Boom. Spinneroonie. This is good hair. And how long were you in Sacramento for? Three and a half years. Interesting. I'm going there tomorrow night. It'll be a good time. Stop bragging. Where are you tomorrow?

I'm doing Doug Loves Movies at the Punchline. Just one night and then coming back. You might see my roommate the Punchline. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just one night and then coming back. You might see my roommate, Ngaio. He's usually on that with him. Ngaio Bilem. That's a hell of a name.

Yeah. Wow. He's usually on that podcast with him. Does he run marathons? No, but he does. He juggles. He does comedy. He sings. He's like weird.

He's a throwback. What scares you? It's the early's a throwback. What scares you? To the early 90s. Yeah. What are you afraid of? Because you seem like such a tough person. No, I saw through it. No, I'm really extra sensitive.

She's a sensitive soul. I can tell. Right. Yeah. But you were in the airport. She doesn't have a shitty edge. I guess the hardest part has been like just making friends here because, you know, people expect you to be on all the time and to be funny.

And it's like, I'm not be on all the time, and to be funny, and it's like, I'm not that way all the time. And you always, when you meet new people here, you have to be the creep, and you have to be okay with that. It's like, you just have to enter a conversation, be like, hey, what you guys talking about? You know?

Yeah. It's so true. When I started here, I stood around silent, completely silent for like the first year. Just listening to everything. I honestly did the same thing. Finding out exactly how everybody communicated and just, you know. Yeah, I felt like an alien.

Yeah, that's what it feels like. I came from Canada so it was twice as bad. Oh, man, yeah. Yeah, because then I'd watch somebody get I have to go to the hospital and I'm like, you want me to drop you? I don't have health care. And I'm like, ah. Americans. Did you start in Toronto? Yeah, 25 years ago.

Wow. I am. It's amazing. Yeah, there we are. Here you are. I can kill Tony podcast 25 years later. You were free Monday at 8 p.m. That's right.

See, Jessica, so good things can happen if you wait That's true I love it What scares you though? Just that? Having to communicate with people Like social anxiety a little bit Yeah a little bit

What really scares you? I'm confused with this scare He's getting into this Dr. Phil shit What scares you? I'm confused with this scare. Yeah, he's getting into this Dr. Phil shit. What scares you? It's my favorite question. It's the Ron Funches question. He famously asked it to people when he was on the show, and it's always an intriguing thing to find great new material

that's not right on the surface. What's your favorite porn is a better question. Oh, porn. I said corn. Corn. You like the Indian roasted pop. What do you like? It's true.

What search word would be fine for you? I like black men, but I don't like I'm not just he's angry. Just black men. It's going to be great. It's going to be like Bluetooth. I'm not fucking hitting on you. Don't have a sour look. It's all be great It's gonna be like Bluetooth meets blue hair I'm not fucking hitting on you Don't have a shower look

Fuck yeah You act like you don't like blue haired bitches What's wrong with you I'd watch you guys fight and fuck I'd pay for both of those Double feature And Jeremy Lopez would be sitting around eating orange chicken and jerking off. Not writing jokes.

What you two know about fucking? We should have a new character on the show where he just sits there underneath an umbrella in the corner just doing faces. The lounging. The P. Diddy umbrella. I love it. I like any man that can piss my dad off. Doing faces. The lounging. The P. Diddy umbrella. I love it. I like any man that can piss my dad off. Oh.

That works. That guy it is. Yeah. Works every time. Or Puerto Rican. I dated Puerto Rican. He hated him. Anything.

Your dad's a good old boy. Oh, yeah. He sent me to my priest when I was a kid because my first crush was on a black boy. I don't know. Like, exercised the on a black boy. I don't know, like exorcise the demons out of me? I don't know. I don't get it. But he sent me to my priest and I told the priest, I was like, I thought Jesus loved everybody, you know, like red and yellow, black and white. Yeah.

And he's like, but you got to honor your mother and father. I was like, this is fucked up. So I left. Do you talk about that on stage? A little bit, yeah. I have a tie back to that. What does your dad do for work? Burns crosses.

He's 65 now so he used to do carpentry. Is he missing any fingers? No, almost because he did work in an explosive plant in Florida. And one blew up in his hand. Wow. How'd you know that?

I've had my shit blown up in my hand, but it just left a mess. Do you ever get to see him? When's the last time you saw him? A long time? Two, three years ago. If he's listening to this podcast right now, is there anything you'd like him to hear you say?

Tell him you're pregnant. Did he ever lose any fingers inside of you? And when little... Oh, damn. You went a different way there. You're treading the line. I am white trash. And it wasn't her dad.

It was her uncle. Jesus. Not around with Jesus. He's in North Carolina. Yes. Wishing he was in South Carolina. Right. Yeah, but you know, I guess...

I love it. Well, it was fun times having you on again. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. That was awesome. Thank you, guys. Jessica having you on again. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. That's awesome. Thank you guys. Jessica Wellington is on Twitter.

She's theduchess underscore 101. Theduchess underscore 101. Sounds like a webcam name. Might be. Well, hey, you know, she was right up Jesus' alley. Yeah, not bad. BBW.

Heck yeah. Big blue white bad. B.B. Dovey. Yeah. Heck yeah. Big blue white girl. She got good. Have you ever been with a big woman or it's just something you fantasize about? No, I'm usually into the bigger girls. Yeah. I'm not afraid of a bigger girl. I'm down.

I'm not, you know. I'll play. Yeah. I'll give it. Yeah. Like a big girl. Like, you know, I'm not afraid of a bigger girl I'm down I'm not you know I'll play yeah yeah like a big girl like if you know I'll be like all right I'll focus on that one part she has you know what I mean like I'm afraid of them personality they gotta know and they can't we can't be big and have a flat ass like you see that a lot of times right you're like wait what the fuck how what kind of shit deal is this yeah they spend a lot of time sitting down that's why yeah they tired all the time it looks like a yield sign from the back you know what I mean shit deal is this. They spend a lot of time sitting down. That's why. They're tired all the time.

It looks like a yield sign from the back. It's like Spongebob Squarepants. I'm not into big women. Not in the bedroom in front of me in the movie theater popcorn line and shit like that. They just take forever. Anyway. Have you ever been with a big woman, Tony?

Yeah. I got that drunk one night. It feels better. There's more skin. It's wetter. It's super fun. It's hard to not laugh. It's like both a comedy and sex at the same time.

What is? Big women to me. They're good. It feels good. I'll give it that. It's like the same time. What is? Big women to me. They're good. They're good. It feels good. I'll give it that. It's like the same thing. I'll tell you what. I recently banked bigger chicks.

Look, Jessica can handle what I'm saying. I'm not into big women. Everybody's into different. I'm also not into black men. But I didn't go, oh, when she said that. Well, not anymore. Bunch of weirdos in here,

man. Can't make fun of big people anymore. Oh my God, he said that they order a lot at the concession stand. It's like, yeah, they do.

I like that you went into like a gay voice, and then back to your voice, and it's almost the same. Yeah. Oh my God, they order a lot at the same. Yeah. Oh, my God. They order a lot at the concession stand. Isn't that rude?

You son of a bitch. He broke character. He broke character. I do not even talk like that. Jerron, how you doing? Would you plow Jessica? No. But she's cool.

I like her. She's got enough personality, too. I think she's cool. I think her. She's got enough personality, too. I think she's cool. I think her dad would like me, but... I don't think so. You're a black guy in a fucking Captain America costume. You are everything her dad fears. But I have a Dale Earnhardt debit card.

Oh, well, that might work. Just show him your debit card with no money on it. Way to rub it in, Russell. You could probably pull it off with their dad. You'd have to keep the mask on the whole time. Yeah, you know, I wouldn't have known.

Yeah. That I was black? Yeah, with the mask on. Why? I didn't fucking know. It's not like you're like, hey, so Russell, let me ask you a question and shit. I was researching you like a motherfucker last night.

That's why I didn't know. Oh. Have you been with a big woman before? Almost, but when she took her thing off, I peaced out. What? Wow, now that's the crazy one. It's not my fault. I wouldn't have been able to have sex with her.

I'm not saying that big women are bad or anything. He's just saying leave your shirt on. It wouldn't have been possible. How old are you? 25. That's the problem. Yeah. I'm 44.

At this age, you're like, all right, I'll take that. Sure, why not? I'm a fucking big bitch. I don't care. You got to do them all. Find out. Yeah, I don't know.

You don't even know sometimes. Like, I did this big chick, and she was big ass on her, and she was good. But there's like skinny chicks with big ass on them. No, no, no. Yeah, but those are fake. This is real.

You can tell by the ankles and legs. From the knees down, if it's skinny, you're like, that ass ain't real. Yeah, you're going to get into big women. About 26, 27. 35. Beers. Beers in one night. And you'll totally end up with one.

Stepped on your joke. I apologize. But no, you made it better. You played right into it. 35. They just didn't hear it because they're not ready for shit that smart to happen in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, your next comedian is Robin Ryan. Oh, snap.

Sounds like a new name to me. Oh, shit. Oh! Yeah! Standing ovation. Hey, this is like your second coming. Guys, one more time. Give it up for Robin Ryan.

Yes, she is. Fuck yeah. I really wanted to be like my mom when I was a kid. And the problem with that is my mom is just a really butch lesbian. So I, she taught me to be like her. So I'm not very good at being a girl. Like I just, like I didn't know that bras had cup sizes until I was like in my 20s. And I just had like one boob down here for years.

We'd go to Target and she'd be like, you can pick any of the sports bras you want. So I did. I had a mullet until I was in eighth grade, because lesbians have mullets. And I would say, Mom, I think I want a different hairstyle. And she would say, that's the way our hair grows, Robin. My mom still has a mullet.

She lives in Palm Springs because that's where lesbians go to die. So, yeah, no, I wanted to be just like her. I don't know how to put on makeup. Oh, that's it. We're done. Good. Okay. You can finish it.

Finish that one. Finish it, Robin. Finish it. You don't know how to put on makeup? I don't know how to put on makeup, so I put it on like it's sunscreen, just like this. Wow. And it was worth finishing. Hell yeah, totally.

It's nice to meet you, Robin. Where are you from? I'm from Napa. Napa. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a little bit more than a year. You do it up there or you come down here? I live down here now. Oh, cool. So you've lived down here for the past year?

No, I've lived down here for four months. Awesome. That's so much fun. How are you enjoying it? I love it. If you ever miss your mom, you can go to Santa Monica. No, they live in Palm Springs. Yeah, it's awesome.

She's like an hour and a half away from me. I liked your bra cup size, but I think you had it a little bit, like, you need to reword it because it's a little backwards. Like, I think the idea of where you could buy any size and it's just your whole bra, you know, I think that's what you're saying, right? Like, if you put on a – You should change it to tank top or, like, wife beater. Okay. Because that would be funnier, too. Because lesbians wear those, too, don't they?

Is that what you were saying? Like, that you'd put on, like, a sports bra and sports bra and it would just be one big boob down here? Just one boob. However you said it, I think maybe you should say I got the sports bra and then it would make it one boob. Because you said the one boob first and then you'd go, I go to the store and get a sports bra. I think you should say that

first. You know what I mean? Just because I was kind of confused what you were saying and then once, I don't know. Never mind. Thanks, Red Band. I, I don't even... I have no idea what the... Now she's got to go wash her... Did that make sense to anybody? She's got to go wash her bra because she has shit all over it.

What do you do for work? I'm an elementary school special ed teacher. Wow. Elementary school special ed. Wow, that's... So what are you teaching, like 35-year-olds? I teach seven, eight, 9-year-olds. Did Jeremy Lopez come with you, or did you?

That's why he had his backpack on. He came from school today. Is this an outreach program? Right, and when does writing class start? What you know about special ed teachers? What you know about one titty? How long have you been teaching special ed?? What you know about one titty? How long you been teaching special ed? This is my 10th year.

Wow. How old are you? You look young as shit. I'm 32. Oh, wow. I thought you were like 21 when you walked in. Well, you don't have to wish or look it, so that's good. Yeah, so youthful.

Generally, white people age terribly. I know. You're already beating the odds. Black guy loves that joke, see? What's some crazy stuff that you've seen go on in the classroom? I had a parent one time who gave her kid a laxative the night before. To a special ed kid? To a special ed kid.

Awesome. He was in first grade and had been potty trained halfway through kindergarten, so he'd only been using the toilet for about a year. And he came running out of the bathroom with just a T-shirt on, running out onto the playground during recess, sobbing. And I walked into the bathroom with him, and there was just shit spread all over one of the walls. And he couldn't figure out what to do because he just shit so much. Wow.

Did you videotape it? I did not, no. Why'd she give him a laugh? That would have been a good Instagram pic. Because he hadn't pooped in over a week. Oh my God. In over a week? Wow.

That's a week's worth of shit on the wall. Yeah. That's a critical fact. Was there a fan in there? Because it would have been amazing if it hit that. You know, I just called the janitor. I don't clean up shit. Wow.

So there's a – Like, do you work with autistic kids or mostly? Yeah, the students that I work with have autism and a lot of ADHD and, like, specific learning disabilities. So you're an ABA instructor too? I am not. Oh, you're not? No, I don't know ABA. Okay.

What, are you going to hire for something? You're one of those schools too, right? You're also a comedian and a principal. So was I. Yeah. Yeah. So was I. But back in the 80s, there was no diagnosis for ADHD or ADHD.

They just thought it was special class for a long time. Oh, me too. Yeah. I'm with you, toots. I had the same. I had regular school, but they made me take Ritalin every day. What? Yeah.

The teachers appreciated that. Yeah. Thank God they didn't have that shit in the 80s. They used to call me down to the office after lunch if you forgot to go take your pill. They'd just go over the entire school intercom and rattle off all the kids with ADD that

are so ADD that they forget to take their medicine. Looking back on it, I'm like, how the fuck did this go on? It bothered me then big time because it's totally embarrassing back then. Do you still take it? No. No.

No. We can harness it. Well, I just smoke it all the way. I just remember reading books. I remember reading books with those big-ass headphones before they were cool. I was like, fuck, I want to go outside. That was me. The book would be done.

I stopped turning pages, but the audio kept going. I'm like, shit, I went too fast. I can't even find this. It's like being in church and the priest is like, what page? And you look like, what fucking page are we on here? God did what? That's pretty cool.

So are there a lot of things? Do you talk about the special ed thing in your stand-up at all? I do. Yeah, you should. You have such a fun charisma. Thank you. I love how you laugh at yourself and stuff.

I think I'm funny. Yeah. I think you've got a natural funniness. Thank you. It's an easy thing. It should be an easy road for you to go down. I hope so. I want to get the fuck out of there.

No, no. Stay with the Tards. They need you. Really? That's where we are now? It's so weird. You know what Tards. They need you. Oh. Really? Is that where we are now? It's so weird. You know what? Here.

They're very picky and choosy. Fuck yeah. She high fives it. I'm okay with it. That means it's okay. Yeah. Jeez, guys. We're just getting the Tardy started in here.

Fucking younger generation and your political correct bullshit. Right. Russell. And that's just me. That's a great Tony impression, Russell. Fuck yeah. Rob and Ryan. So what else?

What else is going on in your life? He wants to know what scares you, apparently. What are you afraid of? Desks that fly every day. Strong deaf kids. My kids throw shit at me. Wow. Yeah, desks that fly every day. Strong deaf kids. My kids throw shit at me. Wow. Yeah, desks and chairs.

But it's not really anger at you. Oh, no, she screams, I'm so angry, and throws a desk at me. Somebody has to teach them this, because I don't... You know, there were angry kids in my school. They all went to jail for murder eventually, but it was never like, I'm so angry. We just knew. You're like, that motherfucker's crazy.

I mean, it's like somebody talks, and then she's like, I'm so angry, and then she throws a desk. Can I tell you... Yeah, somebody facilitated that at some point, and then they were like, ooh, I'm going to use this. Yeah. Yeah.

I just put her outside. I drag her chair outside. Yeah. There was an enabler in that person's life. Can I tell you a joke that I'd love to hear you do? Okay. Because only you could talk about this. And it's like, I feel like it's funny.

Okay. Because you could really set it up just by being honest. Okay. And I'm going to follow it up with a question to get more stuff out of you. But if you were like, I've been teaching special ed for 10 years. And it's very rewarding. Like I had a student that I taught 10 years ago come up to me the other day, and he told me just,

like that. But in real life, after teaching for 10 years, have you gotten to see any of your students go on and do anything? Are there good Salvation Army Christmas bell ringers and stuff that have gone through your system, like coupon clippers or something like that i'm not making this up but i went to that kind of school and there's a denny's in my hometown of brampton and i walked in and i seen a kid from my class in the dishwasher

in the dishwashing bag i was like oh shit i go david he goes He didn't remember me at all, but I'm like, I remember him. Fucking, yeah. Some have it worse than others, I guess. Yeah, he had it bad. It's so funny. You guys were in the same class. He's a dishwasher at Denny's. He can't even afford to buy the Forbes magazine that you're in for making money.

He doesn't even know what I do. He still doesn't. Nothing registers. It's not like, oh, there's Russell. Wow, he did great. It's like, who the fuck are you? I'm like, we were in class together for two years. So I've moved around a lot. I'm on my eighth school district.

Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. You're one of those teachers that just kills kids and then moves on to the next city. We find out later that... So I'm from Napa, and then I moved to Georgia, and I taught in South Carolina, and I taught in Georgia. You gotta go where there's an abundance of them. Oh my god.

And then I... And then I moved back to Napa, then I moved to Sacramento, and then I moved here. I think Jessica didn't like that one. The reason I asked you if you were an ABA instructor, because that was my first job right out of college. And I did that for a whole year. And when you said desk fly,

I can totally relate, because there were times where you show up and they were upset. Something had set them off, and you just see pencils fly. I remember this teacher got clotheslined by this student for no reason, because he didn't have a sticker on his desk. So it's like, it's hard.

Like, I got my ass kicked every morning. So I know. I had a kid throw a book at me, and it just left like a bruise, like, on my chest to the point where I was like, I think I need to go to the doctor. Man, if I had to do this, are you allowed to do things like,

like, I would just keep a dead bird in a box and show them and go like, look, if anyone does anything fucked up, I'm going to throw this dead bird at you. I think that would work. I wouldn't even do it. Even in my school it would have been like, a bird.

It wouldn't even register that the thing's dead. Birdie. No, because then I would just have people all day long being like, did you see the dead bird? There's a dead bird. We should go see the dead bird. Or they poop. A big turd. There's a dead bird. Or they poop. A big turd. Get some cow turd.

Or just have the laxative kid shit on people. You should have taken the whole class and gone, see this? This is what you're going to get. He's actually the favorite kid I've ever had. Well, I guess his name doesn't really matter. Because he's the shit. Why? Why do you like him so much? He obviously doesn't shit on the walls like that every day.

No, no. He's one that I get updates about. My friend is the vice principal at the school that he's at now. When I had him, he was mute. And he would just sit there. He was a super sweet kid. And we got him to play with the other kids and he was, so now he's

reading and he's talking and he has friends and so he's kind of great now. How old is he? He would be a fifth grader now. He's a sweet kid, huh? He's a sweet kid, yeah. And you look like you love sweets. See what I'm talking, this is a very

like, she's laughing at that. All right, fuck it. She's right in front of you. At least the tards aren't here. God damn it. And they're never going to find this. Robin, so do you know Jessica from Sacramento? I do, yeah.

Oh, that's awesome. So you guys made friends there. Yes. Where'd you guys meet at? I'm guessing A. Oh, that's awesome. So you guys made friends there. Where'd you guys meet at? I'm guessing a Wendy's. Fuck you. Let them know, Robin. It was Taco Bell. I love it. Robin,

it was so nice to meet you. Please come back soon. Awesome. Robin Ryan, I love it. She's on Twitter at Robin Ryan. R-O-B-I-N Ryan. Numbers? Are those numbers? What are they?

She's Robin Ryan 200 on Twitter. So don't go to 199. You're going to get the wrong one. I hope you're not teaching those retards handwriting because yours is

wicked retarded. Right. Maybe she's a doctor. Fuck yeah. Alright. Well. Okay. Okay, this guy actually works here.

He's a young employee of the comedy store which grooms and builds many comedians. I used to work here. Put your hands together for him. It's Jared Levin. Jared Levin! I'm guessing he's getting stoned behind the

comedy store. This is about his third time missing a spot here on this show. So he just got blacklisted. Make noises. He's probably Jared Levin. There he goes. He just got blacklisted. Somebody else will get a spot.

The actual comic patriot just tweeted me. He's such a crazy fuck. Just tweets stuff at me like movie fun facts. Did you know that Samuel L. Jackson was in the movie Coming to America? What? Yes, he was the gunman at McDowell's. Is that true? Yeah.

Oh, wow. Did you know Jeff Garlin was working at a donut shop in RoboCop 2? I did not know that, but apparently he stayed there. I love it. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Joey Crudo. What the fuck is that? Lonnie Dio? Hey, guys.

How's everyone doing? Good. So I had a very interesting doctor's appointment the other day. My doctor, she had me take off my shirt for an x-ray, right? And she just looks at my body and goes, Joey, you're overweight. I don't know if you know this, but men can also get breast cancer. I was like, excuse me, but did you just say that I have man boobs?

I swear to God, this is what she did. She looked at my cupcakes, right? And then she reached out and squeezed one. Like, she actually squeezed my titty, okay? And then she said, yeah, you have a handful. But you're a good size. I've seen bigger. Then she left the room, right?

And I'm looking at myself in the mirror. And I noticed that one nipple was hard, you know, the one that she touched. But my other nipple was soft. Kind of looked like Forrest Whitaker's lazy lazy eye I guess all I'm saying is that we're all Picasso beautiful guys that's my time thank you

there you go exactly one minute from Joey Crudo Joey Crudo fuck yeah so you're talking about having tits huh

yeah that's the theme tonight isn't it were you there for a mammogram or back pains and believe it or not it's posture because I'm trying to hide my man boobs so men with big boobs tonight, isn't it? Were you there for a mammogram? Back pains. And believe it or not,

it's posture because I'm trying to hide my man boobs. So men with big boobs have back pains. So your titties are pulling you forward. It is, yeah.

So it's true what they say, ladies. Your tits will get you ahead. Has anybody ever told you that you sort of look like a real life version of one of the South Park kids? You know,

you know what's funny is I was looking at it and I was like, you know when they do like an artist rendition? Yeah. Like of somebody and they're like, and he had kind of Asian eyes and sort of an afro and then he was kind of white. But he was tall and he was big.

Childlike features, but he was a man. I don't know what the fuck was going on. And then fucking Joey Crudo shows up. Whoa. The ghost. shows up. Whoa. The ghost. Is that an earthquake? Whoa. That's an interesting one.

Hey, all the lanterns are moving. Is that an earthquake? That never happens. Oh. I thought I'd just blink fast. Is it shaking? I don't feel it. Oh, it's the big one.

I guess Pat Reagan was right. Wouldn't that be fucked up if the podcast made it through? The water. Are y'all moving? No. I don't feel it. The water's not moving. Wouldn't that be fucked up if the podcast made it through? I think that's just the reverb of this podcast crushing. It could be Joey Crudo's tits. Right. Joey. Yes, sir.

So when you were... When Rob and Ryan taught you kindergarten. Where are you from? Where are you from, Joey? Seattle. How long have you been here? We just came down. Just visiting?

There's no scene right now in Seattle for about a week. Why is that? Clubs are closed, Christmas, holidays. I gotcha. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Not that long, seven months. What do you do for work? Brand new. Brand holidays. Oh, I gotcha. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, not that long. Seven months.

What do you do for work? Brand new. Brand new. What do I do for work? Oh, I got fired. I went unemployed. Where'd you get fired from? I used to be a doorman at a condo building until the boss gave me his penthouse for a

week, and I invited all the comics over. Ah. Never do that. Yeah. Yeah. You were the door guy At a condo Yeah condo building So like what would you

You would just open up The gate for people and stuff Or what I'd bust the door Let people in You know Good gig Yeah it was a good gig

Got me through college I guess they have an opening now It got you through college Yeah What did you get your degree in Psychology Ooh la la. How's that working out for you?

Not very well. Not doing much with it, am I? You should have known that the boss was going to get mad. That's true. I should have known that. As a psychology major. Should have seen that one coming. Yeah.

What did you and the comedians do to the penthouse? Wow. A lot of things. I had one guy blow chunks all over the wall of the bathroom. Didn't tell me. I didn't check it out, and it dried on the wall. So when he got home, we saw some puke hanging on the wall. Someone left their boxers in between the master bed sheets.

So that was fun when they gave that back to me. Hey, I think these are yours. They weren't mine. Did you invite any chicks over? Oh, I invited... I got this penthouse. Come on, guys. I got tits.

Let's party. That's hilarious. What do you like about Seattle? I fucking love Seattle, man. What do you love about it? I fucking love Seattle, man What do you love about it? Marijuana Marijuana, it's legal And we smoke it all the time

The coffee's great I don't like the women as much The word feminist is like faggot out there Can't use that very well The word what? Feminist Uh-huh Yeah

Fuck yeah You say feminist twice very well. The word what? Feminist. Fuck yeah. You say feminist twice and Lucky Crow comes out. Oh no. The North Hollywood eagle. So when your grandma bought you

that shirt for Christmas, did you promise her that you'd wear it this week? Is that part of the deal or what? No, big and tall had a sale and there was only

Ralph Lauren chap shirt. Big and tall, more like short and wide. All right, he's actually pretty tall. What are you, 6'3"? That'll fool some of those

podcast listeners for a second though. They'll half laugh at that. Then they'll really laugh at this part because they're thinking, wow, I did half laugh at that. Anyway,'ll really laugh at this part because they're thinking, wow, I did half laugh at that.

Anyway. It's weird because it's a podcast. Anyway. Joey. Glad we're doing visual jokes on a podcast. Exactly. What scares you? Bras.

Obviously the barber. The barber. What's wrong with my hair? Oh, obviously nothing Maybe only I can Alright, forget it I mean, I do what I can with what I have left And I got hair envy

So I look at that and go, fucking waste What do you recommend I do with it? Two blade on the side, lightly blend it up to the top You can't just have one length all the way around. You're shaped like a lollipop. You do have a white guy afro thing. What's going on? It's a Jewish thing, right?

Oh, it's a Jew-fro. You're like if Blake Griffin had Down Syndrome. I'm a clipper. Blake Griffin. Okay. So you got fired from being a doorman Yeah So you're unemployed now I'm unemployed

And doing comedy Where'd you get the shirt I just I just wanted to let that one Fucking marinate in the ether Well Robin it was fun meeting you That's not Robin Fuck I just wanted to let that one fucking marinate in the ether. Well, Robin, it was fun meeting you. That's not Robin.

Fuck. Sometimes the pieces of paper get mixed up. Same size titties, different gender. All right. Joey Crudo. Thank you guys very much. He's on Twitter at Joe Crudo. Fuck yeah. All the way from Seattle.

I thought I smelled something fishy. But it was just Robin and Jessica's vaginas, everybody. See, I just keep going back to them. You know I love you too. You're not getting to go up. Yeah, too late now. Welcome to show business, bro. See you later.

You got blacklisted. You're booing that? You're booing people not showing up on time for their... He was working. You were working? Alright, come on up. Here he is, everybody. Jared Levin. Jared Levin. Unlike Joey, he's an employed

doorman of this comedy club. Yeah, I feel safe when he's there. People trust me with stuff. Yikes. I know, exactly. I don't know, man. Yeah, dude, my mom's like a stripper and I think I got her ass. Like, somebody took a picture of my ass

and then started jerking off. It's like, who's that chick? And then I'm like, that was me. I started getting that hot chick ego, man. I don't know, a lot of people ask me for drugs a lot. Dude, comics are asking me for drugs, man. I got to stop dressing like a Charles Dickens character.

You know, I'm just like, oh, I got a bunch of pills and I'll make you high as a kite. And I've got a needle, I'll make you go in a haystack. That's right. It's weird, man. I'm a cop magnet. I get pulled over a lot. Cops ask me weird questions like I don't know. Why are you nervous? I don't know.

Maybe because I'm being handcuffed, you donut brain. Yikes. You should have just kept working. Yeah, you should have. You should have let this set just go away. I did better downstairs. Yeah, it must have been. Last time you were on, you were flipping on the floor.

It looked like you were hurting yourself. It freaked out the whole audience because the audience was freaked. This time you started punching yourself way too hard for no reason. I mean, you are, what is up with you, man? Very physical. Yeah, you just smack yourself at night? I mean, what do you do? Oh, dude, man, I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't think you needed to tell us that. Right. He commits to it. I mean, you got to go with that, man. That's pretty double. Yeah. I think committing is something that's necessary. What was the first thing you talked about?

Yeah, suicide, by the way. Fuck. I think I had my mom's ass. Did you hear that? I fucking stepped on a great joke. You said it's definitely important to commit. I go, yeah, suicide. Oh, yeah, that's good.

That's good. But go on. Oh, no. I had his mom's ass. Yeah, my mom's a stripper, and I think I have her ass. My mom's a stripper and I think I have her ass. Is she really a stripper? Still? Seven years ago.

Oh yeah, about the guy jerking off. It's not clear what you're saying at all. You just go, somebody took a picture of my ass and then just started jerking off. How are people just taking pictures of your ass? I did a performance art show and someone took a picture of my ass, sent it to a guy. Were you naked in the performance art show? Yeah.

Oh, great. Bare ass. All right, Jared, we got to move along. Thank you. Hey, buddy. Jared Levin, there he goes. He's on Twitter.

Jared Levin. Your final comedian of the night. Normally we have two young ladies that do a brand new minute every single week. One of them is on Christmas break in Florida. So that's Kimberly Congdon.

Exactly. And our other comedian is here. Bring your hands together for her. It's Sarah Weinshank. Sarah! Does a brand new minute every single week on this show. What's up?

Hey. There's something really fucked up about eating shrimp tacos in the food court of an aquarium. Just like, no, I'm good. Pass. Aquariums are bullshit as well.

It's like, you want to come look at some fish sit in a tank? You want to pay money for that? It's like, if you want to watch a fish, you can just get a few and put them in some water. It's the same experience. It makes no sense. It makes no sense that the aquarium isn't combined with the zoo.

It seems like it's kind of the same stuff, except fish are just more boring. It's like, yeah, let's look at what's going on in these tanks and then go upstairs to the food court and getting hungry. I hear they have shrimp here. I'm in the mood for some shrimp tacos.

Fuck yeah. I like what you're... I get it. Great premise for sure. Like an aquarium is pretty much like if people paid to go look at Louisiana after Katrina. I feel it. Great premise, for sure. Like, an aquarium is pretty much like if people paid to go look at Louisiana after Katrina. I feel like there's something there to where it's like if a zoo got flooded out and replaced with more boring animals.

And plus, you can't even touch the tank. Yeah. Aquariums are fucked up. You can? Yeah. You can touch something. Yeah, but what are you going to touch? Just fucking glass.

Might as well go to the check cashing place and do can touch something. Yeah, but what are you going to touch? Just fucking glass. Might as well go to the check cashing place and do the same thing. Yeah, that's funny. Right. It's weird that they do do that because I was at SeaWorld and they had like shrimp and...

Like Seaman World. Seaman World. But they had like... You go to a restaurant and they had like all the different regular fish choices and you're like, isn't this weird that

we're here to celebrate fish? They sell hamburgers at the fucking San Diego Zoo. That's true. That's crazy. They got fucking bison shit. They got turkey. Whatever, man. They're fucking eating it.

So did you go to an aquarium this week? Is that what happened? No, I just was thinking about aquariums earlier. How I'm glad I haven't been to one in a while. Thinking a little inside the box. Yeah. Aquarium jokes, everybody. Not often brought up in the comedy world, but when in Rome.

Yeah. Did the commercial for Aquarium of the Pacific pop into your head? I was just thinking about, you you know the end of two relationships ago and I remember part of that end was an aquarium visit and I feel like that was like the end, you know

Because then he went down on you after looking at all those fish No, because I was Oh, I got it You missed that guy? You missed that one that you went to the aquarium with? No, I was it. You missed that guy? You missed that one that you went to the aquarium with? No, I was thinking that I don't. Is he like the one that got away?

That swam away? Yeah. So you didn't have shrimp tacos at an aquarium. You thought of that? No, but I've been to the aquarium and I saw shrimp tacos at an aquarium. You thought of that? No, but I've been to the aquarium and I saw shrimp tacos and I thought I would never fucking eat those.

Right. Especially here. Yeah. They're probably fresh. That's exactly what I was thinking. I'm like... Yeah, that's fun to play with. Like the freshness of the fish and all that crap. You could probably... There's probably a lot there you could play with. You flip it into,

well, how much fresher can they fucking get? They're right there. Right. It's like picking your lobster at a restaurant. I want that motherfucker dead. I want Shamu. Screw Shamu. How's the eel?

Right there. Fuck shrimp tacos. Where's the sushi bar in this joint? Yeah. Oh, obviously this audience can't afford sushi. Turned on me again. Wineshank. You're on a roll there, buddy. audience can't afford sushi. Turned on me again. Weinshank. You're on a roll, everybody.

We got to wrap it up. We went a little bit too long this show. We got to go. She's amazing, everybody. Sarah Weinshank. She writes a brand new minute every fucking week. All these other people just got lucky out of the bucket. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank.

Does a brand new minute every week. So fun. Jerron Horton, thank you so much. A great patriot. Unbelievable. Follow him and his mustache on Twitter. He's at Jerron Horton. J-E-R-R-O-N-H-O-R-T-O-N.

Jesus Trejo, what's going on? Just chilling. I'm going to be in town at St. Louis at the end of January. All right. St. Louis at the end of January. Alright. St. Louis at the end of January. He's Jesus Trejo. J-E-S-U-S T-R-E-J-O.

And the amazing Russell Peters. Made time for us tonight on a Monday night everybody. So grateful. So thankful. Thanks buddy. Thanks for having me. You're going to sell out whatever you do anyway so you don't need to promote anything. I won't be in town. I'll be good. I love it. I'm going to Sweden. I're going to sell out whatever you do anyway, so you don't need to promote anything. I won't be in town. I'll be good.

I love it. I'm going to Sweden. Sweden. I'm going to Stockholm, Sweden in the middle of January. I'll be there in April. Oh, cool. Are you still with Rogan? Yeah.

I'll be there tomorrow. Oh, cool. Okay. See you tomorrow. Awesome. Sorry to cross-promote podcasts here, but you know. Thank you so much to the live audience. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redband.

I'll see you later. Bye-bye. Soaking up the thirst of the land. Ocean Man Cast forth to the childlike man Ocean Man The sequence of a life-form raised in the sand Soaking up the thirst of the land Ocean Man you you