KILL TONY - KILL TONY #87

Episode Date: March 6, 2015

Dom Irrera, Steve Byrne, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Eric Carter, Brian Redban - Date: 01/05/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates, and you'll see our fall... Wait, no. Spring Tour is in full effect. New dates are being added every week. We have Ice House every Friday for a Death Squad comedy show at 10 p.m. March 11th, we have a Death Squad secret show at the Comedy Store. The last one we had like 400 people. It was oversold.

There was a line, just a waiting line, just to see if anyone canceled their tickets. I mean, there was a lot of people we had to turn down. And that's because you didn't get your tickets early. Well, the announcement is right now. Scheduled to appear, Burt Kreischer, Ari Shaffir, Joey Diaz, Billy Bonnell, Jeff Ross, Mike Young, Tony Hinchcliffe, and myself. And maybe a surprise guest or two.

So tickets are available right now. Get them right now before they sell out. Just go to thecomedystore.com. Or just go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates because all these are listed there we also have death squad ontario coming soon march 21st uh we have another death squad secret show april 1st at the comedy store and then death squad vancouver for 420 bro tickets and info for that are on going on sale very soon And then just announced, May 12th, San Francisco at the Punchline with me and Tony Hinchcliffe.

And May 13th, we'll be in Sacramento. So all these tickets can be found at DeathSquad.tv. Click on Tour Dates. And don't forget to go to ShopSquad.tv and click up, click up, get the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. All the shit

we sell at that place goes right to paying for new microphones, new cameras, new everything, and getting you these free podcasts. So please help us out by going to shopsquad.tv. And don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is ReddBitch, coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony and Steve! Where we make Mondays Feel like Fridays

How you guys doing? That's a live audience Let's go here again Almost 90 something What do you got there? Our lovely meal It's a man to acid? Yeah it's Dan Tack

You know you're in for a good meal Because our only sponsor Elise Lane is sitting right over there, everybody. Gourmet chef, Elise Lane. She's been cooking meals for us and our guests for weeks on Kill Tony. Last week, she cooked for our guest, Russell Peters, and he hired her to be his new chef. She started today at a Malibu compound cooking food for number three on the Forbes list of top earning comedians, Russell Peters.

He was on last week. We have two more awesome guests tonight who are unbelievable and I'm very excited about that. We had a fun weekend. I did Denver. Holy shit, I headlined Denver Comedy Works everybody. And if you don't know what that is, that's one of the best comedy clubs in the world. I did four one-hour long sets

in negative 12 degree weather. Was it cold as fuck? It was unbelievably cold. Snow? Miserable. A lot of snow or ice? You get in there in January, you pay your dues,

and I'm going back in the summertime. Denver, you buy pot from a store. So it's a whole different thing than an L.A. dispensary where it's like, hey, welcome, man. You want to try some shit out? There it's like a fucking New York

deli. They're like, what do you want, you idiot? Let's go. We got money to make. Is it any more different? Is it less sketchy feeling? It's a thousand percent less sketchy feeling. It's a thousand percent cooler because they don't give a fuck. They really don't.

It's literally like a New York deli. They're just slinging fucking meat And you're the idiot if you don't know what you want And they get to you If you're like, oh, well, is there a I'll come back to you It's awesome to have weed forced down you like that It's pretty pleasant

Normally when people are trying to sell you something quickly It's like a fucking used car or something It's a lot less fun. Anyway, Monday, Keltoni. How was your weekend, Brian? I think I'm going crazy. I'm like, there's parrots that live in Burbank, and I've been obsessed with these parrots

because once a day they come to this tree outside my... like hundreds of parrots, wild parrots. And I've gotten to the point where I know the exact time they're gonna go there. So today I filmed it and live streamed it where I'm like, all right, so you got one more minute till the parrots. My girlfriend's like, you're crazy, you're a crazy person. And then one minute later, bam, the whole entire tree,

millions of parrots, they stay there for like seven minutes and then go away, so yeah. Fuck yeah. Didn't realize I was going to get to work with Birdman tonight. Is that what that movie's about? No, it has nothing to do with that. But that sounds like it'd be

an interesting movie. Just some guy freaking out, like looking for parrots and shit. Are you sure that the zoo isn't looking for them? Are parrots a special animal? No, they just fly around. So now my next thing is to try to trap one. Are you sure these aren't butterflies?

What are we talking about? No, they are parrots. I got it on 4K video. Really? Yeah. Wow. And me holding up the cell phone going, look, one minute to the parrots.

Whoa. Yeah. You become like one of those guys. It's like looking for an animal. Hey honey, that deer's back in the backyard. But you have this crazy parrot thing happening. Well, this show has a long history of birds. We used to always ask, you know, one of our famous questions,

we would ask, have you ever killed a bird before? You'd be surprised how many people say yes. Normally when they're a kid or something like that, whether it's a BB gun or a rock or something like that. Or a bird's nest tips over and you're four years old and you put a firecracker on it. Yeah, if you did that. I didn't do it.

All right. Well, I'm very excited. Tonight, Elise Lane made us food. She made us, normally it's something really fancy and long with French-sounding words inside of it that I have to try to enunciate. Tonight, she made a. Normally it's something really fancy and long with French sounding words inside of it that I have to try to enunciate. Tonight she made a meatball sub. So that's very exciting. So it's going to be

one delicious meatball sub then. It's made for gourmet chef Elise Lane. That's her name on Twitter. E-L-Y-S-E L-A-I-N So make sure you spell it right, fuckos. She's on Instagram and Facebook at the girl with the pan. So hire her for your next private event. She cooks us and the guests meals every week.

Thank you, everybody. That's a part that we have to do. Because it's delicious. Next week she's gonna be on Let There Be Talk with Dingo Ray. That's right. Check that out. And we have our musical guests, everybody, doing a brand new song that he hasn't done before. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan, everybody.

There he is. The new favorite here on show, gentlemen. He makes a new song every week. Very funny man. He was playing before the show. Yeah. He was great. Yeah, it was awesome.

And a double dose. Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Come on. Put your he is. Come on. Put your hands together. Come on, let's show him. Guys, you know, I worked in an office

and people always come up to me and ask me, Pat, hey, Pat, could you set up my laptop to print off the office printer?

Sure. No problem. You know, it just kept happening and I started to get a little frustrated, and a lot of times my frustrations come out in song form. And so I wrote this song. I can't feel your, I can't feel your pain. I feel your pain

I can only watch you fall apart Go to System Preferences. Go to Print and Scan. Select Add Printer. It's the HP AR M550N. The AR-45. The next step is the most important It's really, really, really important Cut open your hand while you recite the harvest prayer And anoint the holy printer with your blood Select IP in the pop-up window Watch out for blood on your key

Or Copy and paste this IP address 192.168.1.98 You're almost done my little baby There's one more step to make this gravy Smear the blood all over your face while you sing these sacred words Cuckoo cucka on you little baby wavy boy Goo goo ga ga, I'm your baby wavy boy Goo goo ga ga, I'm your baby wavy boy

Goo goo ga ga, I'm your baby wavy boy Goo goo ga ga, I'm your baby wavy boy Goo goo ga ga, I'm your baby boy Goo Goo Gaga, I'm your baby way before Goo Goo Gaga, I'm your baby way before Goo Goo Gaga, I'm your baby way before Goo Goo Gaga, I'm your baby way before Goo Goo Gaga, I'm your baby way before I'm your baby boy I'm your baby boy

I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm your baby boy, I'm Again and again, Pat Reagan. My favorite new comedian of 2014, Pat Reagan. There he is. A monster. He's on Twitter at Patty Reagan, P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N. So follow him. Check out his new album, Pat Reagan Smells Like Shit, available on Spotify

and other forums on the internet. So much fun. I love him. But no further ado, let's bring up our Patriot for tonight, the guy that always keeps us safe. Used to be a guy in a $4,000 suit. He got too big for the show. He said that it was only because of him that it worked. So to show him how replaceable he is, we've replaced him with a brand new person every single week since he left the show. Dressed up in a much cheaper version of the costume that he wore.

It went from a $4,000 custom-made suit from Sweden to a $40 suit on Amazon Prime. And our patriot this week is a brand new one. He is the hillbilly patriot, Eric Carter, everybody. one. He is the hillbilly patriot, Eric Carter, everybody. If you've ever heard of him, you know him. He's a real

hillbilly underneath that suit. Fuck yeah. Hi, Eric. How are you doing? How are you? Great. I'm glad to have you on the show. You have a very distinct southern voice, a very distinct accent. We know you because you make a real imprint when you do stand-up. You have a very distinct southern voice, a very distinct accent. We know you because you make a real imprint.

When you do stand-up, you talk about your real life and shit, like raising goats and stuff like that. And it's hilarious. Anything happen in the farm lately? You just spent some time on an oil rig, right? Yeah, I've been up in North Dakota working on oil rigs, rough-necking for a few months. And before that,

unloaded semis and 18-wheelers. But now I'm here to protect the world from injustice and jabronis. From injustice and jabronis? Wow, that's what you came up with, huh? All right. You can tell that was a line that he came up with in the green room before the show. He's like, all right, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to go for it. And you nailed it. I'm here to protect the world from injustice and jabronis. Eric Carter, thanks for doing this. You're welcome.

As always, we have two unbelievable guests that are just absolutely hilarious, and it's so great that I'm able to even get people like this to come back on the show or do it for the first time here they are everybody two

of my favorite comedians in the world it's Dom Irera and Steve Byrne everybody holy shit wait what both of those guys absolutely at the same game time Dom's been on about three or four times one of our favorites Steve Byrne was making a TV show ever since we started Kill Tony. So, and I don't think you knew about it before,

but I'm glad to have him on for the first time. Here they are everybody, Dr. Byrne and Steve Byrne. It's been a while since you've been on, John, because you have a Monday night football party every week at your place. And that's what we do. Kill you, God, wow, baby, baby boy. Those tunes are good.

How are you doing? Great. Great. How are you? Can we pick up the pace a little on this show? We're working on it. There's volume. I've never been invited to that Monday night football. Have you ever been invited to it? No, he never invited me.

But that's good. It's only me and the priest that I grew up with. He gives me a bath, he oils me down. I don't want to talk about it. Fourth and inches, does he get a boner? What's a boner? And what's it taste like? What a terrible way to start.

Hi, everybody. Great to be here. Steve Byrne, give him a hand. Yeah, great. Every week, instead of me asking you a question, I let whoever the Patriot is, because they're always such big comedy fans and I always have great guests on, so this week Eric Carter gets to ask you guys a question

that he came up with earlier in the evening or perhaps even sooner than that. Eric go ahead. Steve I got a question for you. I'm a big Sullivan and the Suns fan. I was really pissed off when they cancelled that. What do I have to do as an American hero to get that back on the air? There's nothing you can do but, I am as pissed about Sullivan being cancelled as you are about not getting in the night shift at Hot Topic. Fair enough. We all do what we can. Thank you for watching and you look amazing. Thank you. I have a question for you. Alright, you don't have to tell me, just ask the question.

I don't have that question for you. All right. You don't have to tell me. Just ask the question. I don't have that kind of time. Okay. You were on the Big Lebowski 20 years ago on the Cold Classic. You said you had a rash on your ass. Has it healed? What? Tearful questions, Eric. You needed to...

You know that they put that in the Smithsonian Institute this week? Not your fucking album. No. He looked at himself when he said that. They put that in the Swiss Alphabet. They put the Lebowski in it? Yeah, they put the movie in the Swiss Alphabet.

Wow. I love that. I watched Kingpin today for the first time in forever. I forgot how funny that was with Woody Harrelson and Bill Murray. I thought I was working with John Goodman because he's big. I'm like, where the fuck's John Goodman? It was Jeff Daniels.

Jeff Daniels. No, it wasn't Jeff Daniels. Bridges. Jeff Bridges is one of the greatest actors ever. Anyway, thanks for the question. Great questions there. Really, really good. He's really taking it,

like he has the pose down. I know. He's really, when he talks to you, he's very pointing and like he's going to blast you. I've got a question for you. He's one of the few guys

that actually fits in the suit properly. It's interesting. You actually fill that out, Eric. She had the same body as an eighth grader. So very nice. I'm a vegetarian. Yeah. Awesome. Didn't need to know that, but thank you. You actually fill that out, Eric. She had the same body as an 8th grader. I'm a vegetarian. Awesome.

Didn't need to know that, but thank you. There's no idea what a vegetarian is. There's no way. Fuck yeah. Let's get this party started, guys. Over 25 comedians sign up for the opportunity to do a minute of stage time and then we talk to them afterwards. Dom, you've done this a few times.

You're one of my favorites. You're always so honest with everybody. That's what I'm here for, man. Steve, welcome to the party. I'll be the Paul Abdul. I'll be the nice one. Just before we start, most of you people will probably never make it.

Enjoy yourselves. Enjoy yourselves. I love it. Comedian piled in the back. You guys know how it works. You get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time. You know your 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There he is. Somebody gave him a gun, obviously.

So, there it is. You don't want to do that. So, let's get this party started. Here we go. Your first comedian doing a minute in front of all of us to talk to us afterwards about anything at all, anything can happen, is... GT. anything at all, anything can happen, is GT. Alright, no GT.

You know what that means, GT? You just got blacklisted. You made noises. That's what the Patriots are supposed to do if somebody doesn't show up for their spot. Shopping. Can I ask real quick, was GT black? No.

Okay, good, because I thought GT... Oh, we're starting off with a black comic. That's what I thought. I thought he was because he was late. Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see if he's here. Chris Lo-s-mer. I knew this would be a white name. Chris Lo-s-mer. I knew this. It sounds like a white I knew this would be a white name.

Chris Loesmer. It sounds like a white name. This is definitely what it is. Here he is. Chris Loesmer. So I got haircut the other day. Went to my girl Amy. She's from Korea. I sat down in her chair. She looked at me. She said,

How you want it? I said, What? She said, How you want it? I said, what? She said, how you wanting? I said, Amy, I want to look professional. I want that professional look. I want to get out of the faux hawk that I was rocking in my 20s. And she looked at me. She said, you need komoba. So I'm waiting for the bald spot to grow in. I'm actually a professional server. It's kind of an oxymoron. So I'm waiting for my career to take off.

Clearly the haircut hasn't worked yet. Working in the hospitalities is a lot like working... Working in the hospitalities reminds me of when I used to play high school soccer. I'm one of two white boys on an old Mexican team. I'm saving up for a house right now. The only thing is, Noah told me on a server's wages it would take forever. Yeah. All right. I don't like your first name. Strong closing, by the way. I didn't think you'd top the opener. Thank you, Saul Marrera.

You're welcome. Chris, how long have you been doing the Stanislaus comedy? This is my first night up. Whoa! Sign up for it. Look at that. I think I got pretty loud. Yeah, I don't know. I like how you put the stool and everything in front of you.

I wish he would have started taking off shoes and putting it on the stool. That was great. In another minute he would have been on Iron Man's shoulders. Chris, so what made you want to do comedy? I was trying to pick up other hobbies that aren't so contact-oriented. I really like comedy. I've always followed it. Where are you waiting tables at?

At the Ritz-Carlton Haku Bay. Holy shit. Yeah, it's pretty nice. It's a good gig. Have you ever seen live stand-up before? Yeah, I've watched a few. His body language is great, though. I think we're going to start rapping.

Well, the haircut thing, I really don't get it. I guess for that to work, we'd have to know what your hair looked like before or something, maybe? I was waiting for the polls. I'm sorry, go ahead. It's your bit. You know, I told it to my friends that were all on acid, and they thought it was hilarious. Right. That is just the wrong demographic in here, I guess.

Yeah, right. Because your friends were laughing at something else. They were laughing at the pink dragon that danced across your face when you were talking, not what you were actually saying. So what's the story? You're waiting tables at a Ritz-Carlton by the ocean. You're living that surfer life. What else is going on?

You single? Single, ready to mingle. I broke up with my girlfriend like uh three or four months weeks ago after the set after the set yeah she never saw me do comedy so it was weeks ago not months ago weeks ago you know said months first like it felt like three or four months holy shit what was her story ritz carlton no she was a scientist. Is she also served? Call her back up now. You fucked up. Call her up now.

Don't marry her. Was it that bad? No, no, no, no, no. I thought, look, this is literally your first time on stage. I saved it for this show. Wow. I was actually hoping I didn't get picked. Well, I'm going to say,

it will never get harder than this. I think in terms of a first time, it will never get more difficult than this. So it's only onwards and upwards from here on out if you choose to pursue it. You're very likable, too. Thanks, Dom.

You really are. I think you should really get a hospitality. Oh, my God. You are unbelievably great. You are so awesome. He's likable, isn't he? Oh, yeah, yeah. Totally. He's definitely likable.

Maybe he could do a good parapet. No, that's already been done. He could do a parapet. So wait, what Ritz-Carlton did you say? Where at? Half Moon Bay. What is that? Where is that? It's a little south of San Francisco. Oh, okay.

It's a little small town. So you live in San Fran? I live in Half Moon Bay. And you came down here for this? Yeah, my cousin lives in Hollywood, so I visit him and check out this show. It's been a cool experience so far. That's awesome. So you listened to the podcast and you came down to do your first minute of stand-up ever.

Yeah, no doubt. That is so fucking cool. It's pretty awesome. It's really crazy because it's one of the only shows that happens quite a few times. Like, I remember we once had Sinbad and Jeff Garlin at the same time, which we figured out is a combined, like, 65 years of comedy experience between the two of them.

And there was a couple people that had their first time in front of them. You know, it's the only show. How many years for you? For me? You want to stand up? Yeah. I started, like, two, three years. How do you mean stand out per se?

I started at the improv in 1980. It was a punk den. Biggest fucking black cock I had. Makes me grow. And when you had your first set... Was it always funny? Yes, it was always funny. Your first set, do you remember what you talked about?

My first set was actually on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I went to go stand outside like some fucking moot. I did The Tonight Show, and then I spiraled down until I'm here right now. Long live Tony, kill Tony. Well, what is this last name? Your handwriting is as bad as your comedy. What is this, Lozwick? Lozwick, yeah.

Fuck yeah. Thank you for letting me be on the show. Just to make you feel comfortable, what are the specials? I'm sorry. Thank you for letting me be on the show. Just to make you feel comfortable, what are the specials? Just so you're... Can you give us a little sample of how you would... What would we get if you just walked up to our table at the Ritz-Carlton? Would you like some recommendations?

Why do you flare your hands like a magician? You're serving food, right? Is that... Are you making it appear out of your sleep? I'm going to do this one. Only his nervous the other parts come what's the other what's the call bar I don't get in this without trying to be funny what would you say to us we can ignore our table at the Reds Club? Would you like some recommendations? I really like the mixed green salad with grilled cheese. Do you do that with your hands?

Sometimes I talk with my hands. What are you looking at when you do that? This one draws the attention of the table. Like that. Oh, my God. Bad for podcasting. That's what that is. You came for the salmon.

You're going to leave with an 89 Saturn. It's like a used car salesman, the technique. Is it too much? When you're telling us the specials... All right, Chris, settle down. When you're talking about the specials just then, you weren't even looking at us. You were doing a thing where you were squinting and staring at the stool. What do you look at when you're actually talking to them at the table?

Are you looking in their eyes or are you squinting looking at the middle of the table? I read off the menu. You have the menu in front of you I read off the menu. So like... You have the menu in front of you? Oh shit. That's how bad you are at that job? You sit the menu there and use it as like a non-moving teleprompter? It's like a Bad Sopranos audition. Yeah.

Are you really... Yeah. Are you really a buster trying to act like a waiter? That's what it seems like. I just do this? So, we have a mixed green salad with cheese. Yeah! I mean, that just isn't something that the

lunch crowd was allowed at. They don't want no... Here's my point, Chris. I think you should quit waiting tables. Because you seem to be really bad at it. But you know what? I think there's definitely a career for you in being a patriot one night. All right, there you go.

Maybe a bird catcher? Help me catch one of these birds? What do you know about parrots, Chris? Adam, did you get my spot this week? Yeah. He's calling in his avails right now. Thanks Chris. There he goes. Chris Lowswitch. He's our winner of Lowswitch too. That was fun Tony. Thank you. He's dumb. Chris drove all the way from San Fran. That's crazy. The luck of the bucket, I guess. That's fun.

I like this. I always like one name. This is black. This is a black comedian. If it's one name, it's a black fucking comedian. This is somebody who hasn't paid his taxes. There's a black guy getting up in the upper deck right now that is so confident that he's the only one named black comic in the room. But I see a few more black comics.

All six comics stood up. Where is he? I can't see him. Oh, Jesus. I'm going to say the name. Let's say that's him. I'm figuring it's going to be for Haiti. Yeah. She said, oh my God, that's what's up. Yeah, I'm black.

Oh, my hell, yeah. I don't know why. You know, have you ever worn an outfit you think looked pretty nice until you actually went outside? Huh. I look like a black gal in here. But I'm actually from Haiti. If you don't know what Haiti is, Haiti is a small country. Corp government.

You know, poverty. 9% black. You know, all that shit. Like, we like the... No one give a fuck about us until something big happens. We like the New Orleans of Earth. I don't mind you asking me stupid questions about my country But if it's stupid enough

I tend to give some stupid ass replies Like they always ask me What kind of clothes do you wear in Haiti? I say have you seen Tarzan? We wear what that motherfucker wear We're clothed to cover our private parts only But it's Gucci though Where exactly is Haiti located anyway?

Oh man good question my friend Cause before the earthquake I thought Haiti located in anyway? Oh, that's a good question, my friend. Because before the earthquake, I thought Haiti was in Africa too. But it's actually in Detroit. Oh, Haiti. Fuck yeah. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. I come here all the time, but this is my first time on the stage.

Cool. How long have you been doing stand-up three years is that when you bought that belt melt roast I believe to that and I like your birth story too and in America? 16 years. Do you speak French? I'm happy to protect you. Holy shit.

I don't know, but if you look, it made Hady laugh. He's the only one that speaks French. That means Dom can kill in multiple languages. It's fucking unbelievable. That's hilarious. What did you say in English? I have no idea. It was nice to meet him.

How are you doing? Do you speak French? I say, you cannot say what I'm saying. And he say, yeah. You don't have much of an accent. You don't have much of a Haitian understand what I'm saying. And he said, yeah. But you don't have much of an accent, so you really have... You don't have much of an Asian accent. I took classes. I went to this Catholic school.

And they were making fun of me because of the way I was talking and looking and stuff. So I talked to them. Can you do the accent in the back that you grew up with? I don't know. I don't know how to do it no more. I can speak my language, but I can't... I'm from Philly. I can't do a Philly accent. I can do, like, South Philly or Dang, but I can't. I was wondering what your ear was like to that.

Sometimes my accent does come out, but it's by accident. Like, when I get excited, like, I can't say, I have to take my time to say Philly, because if I come out and just say, I'm going to say tree, and that sounds like I'm cursing or some bullshit. So I slow down when I talk, because my accent usually comes when I speed up. Wow, that's amazing. Thank you. Because you really do, you speak great English.

You look Haitian as fuck. But you don't sound it. Thank you. That's what. But you are correct. And like if you said, shut your eyes and imagine someone from Haiti. Right. Like that's pretty much what you'd picture. Yeah.

Yeah. Absolutely. Because when your eyes are shut, that's exactly what it looks like. Fuck yeah, man. That's amazing. So like, you still have a lot

of family in Haiti, obviously. Yeah, I'm one of 20 kids that I'm in love with. Are you serious? Yeah. I only met 13 of us. You've only met 13? Yeah, I only met 13. us. You've only met 13?

Yeah, I only met 13. The other ones died of old age? The oldest one came to my father's funeral and he didn't know that was my father until the day he died. Wow. That's amazing. Your dad just fucked like a machine. He's out of women. Hell yeah. Absolutely. You like to have sex? I bet you do.

So is Haiti kind of like North Hollywood-ish? Or is it... No. No, it's like, Haiti, what is the biggest business there? Is it... I don't know anything about it. Like you said... The biggest... Tourism.

Tourism. This is an island. All the islands have tourism. Jamaica is the number one for Americans, that is. And the Virgin Islands are like the main place for the rest of the world. But Haiti don't have shit, but you know. But we're doing good. After the earthquake, we have a Marriott now.

Oh, that's good. Why do you say that on stage? that's cool. We have the St. Adelaide St. Adelaide. That's hilarious. Might have that now. I've had a deal with that deal. That's funny. I'm sorry. Are they hiring?

Chris Lowswick might need a job. You only got bad enough. Yeah. What's your favorite thing about Haiti? Do you ever go back? No. I went back sometimes, but people keep on asking, they say I feel kind of bad so I just send the planned money to them. I just donate that money to them. So it's a round trip around $700 so I just send it to them.

What's the agent that sent there? What? There's no agent. His father proved that. But that $700 is 8 times, so it's around $15,000. Wow. Yeah, that's how it is. Don't hatey the player, hatey the game. That sure really is something else. It's almost... You brought my muscles out and everything. I look thick. Wow. Interesting.

I love it. Instead of most people, they put their Twitter handle there. You just have supportmyass. That really is? You got that, huh? You're the one. Stop donating money

and give it to yourself. I didn't watch your show. Oh, you son of a bitch. You went for it, Hady. That's a low blow. You have to have cable to watch your show, Hady. It's a low blow. You have to have cable to watch your show, Hady. That's the catch.

You have to have cable to watch a TV show. Oh, because I'm Hady. I don't think I have shit. No. You just said that you sent all your money. Yeah, you got it. Hady, we're on the same page. I love you. I like you. You're fun. He was hilarious the week before when you were sitting in the front row.

It was so fucking funny. I think before when you were sitting in the front row. Yeah, he was sitting close. So fucking funny and I think we got some camera of you just sitting there making hilarious faces. You're really good at making faces. You're like a black John Stewart. It's amazing. You've made faces to a couple of us a couple of times already since you've been up here.

Is that some kind of defense mechanism growing up at a school, a Catholic school? Yeah, it was. I was getting teased because my English was god-awful and I looked the way I look. And so I started playing football and trying to be more popular and people were still making fun of me. So my mom said, if anybody says anything to you, don't fight them. Just get better at football. Is that what you told him?

I was pretty good. But the person that played my position ended up winning the Super Bowl and everything. So he was better than me. Wow. That's who was ahead of you. You were the halfback? Yeah, tailback.

Golden Tate was the one that was better than me. Do y'all know him? Oh, wow. Yeah, definitely. I always almost pick him up on my fantasy team. That's my dude, Seahawks, right? No, Detroit Lions now. He was with the Seahawks last year.

All right, Katie. Fun times, man. Yeah, absolutely. Welcome. Go make that happen. Pull that stool back. Yeah, I was just going to say. Take a step up and pull that stool back. Yeah, we need to reset the stage. Pull it back more. All the way up and pull that stool back. We need to reset the stage. Pull it back more.

These guys are too likable. I can't even bust their balls. I know, right? I'm not bringing up an asshole. There's Eric Carter right there. He's a real Billy goat. I mean, he's a real hillbilly. Are you looking at me or you?

I don't fucking know. But it's kind of scary. Your next comedian goes by the name of Chris Naderpour. Cyrus Naderpour. Oh, yeah, there he is. It's Cyrus, everybody. Thank you very much. I got a little

home with friends back home. And I don't really get it. I was back home watching TV with my buddies. And my friend turns to me and goes, Did you know that Neil Patrick Harris is gay and plays a womanizer on TV? And I go, wow. That's crazy. Do you know what else is wild?

Robert Downey Jr. Not actually Iron Man. And there's no reason for straight dudes to hate gay men. If you take a moment to analyze what is the gay community, it's the top 1% of the most attractive men just banding together and being like, eh, this is not really for me.

Why would you want to stop that? Half of what's Hollywood looks like it's going to be extras in 300. Like, being gay is just genetic. It's linked to the gene that makes you ripped. I was driving through West Hollywood the other day. I saw this older guy, joggy, shirtless,

had gray hair, had to have been in his 50s. Dude had a six-pack. 50 years old with a fucking six-pack. I'm 29, I eat quinoa, I do pinnates, and I surf. Out of a fucking six pack. The bear wanted to definitely get punched in the right way. Cyrus, you were on what, a few weeks ago or something? Yeah, two, three weeks ago.

Initial thoughts on Cyrus, guys? I just have to ask, is your pet turtle okay? Yeah. Okay, good, thank you. I ask, is your pet turtle okay? Yeah. Okay, good, thank you. I was very nervous. Why a turtle? You look like you would own a pet turtle.

I'm pretty sure I said this a few weeks ago, but you're one of the funniest magicians that I've ever had on this stage. He's a ringer. He's worked for a while, right? Yeah. I've been doing it for like two years. Yeah, because it came out of you too easily. It flowed out of you a bit about the thing with the other guy.

That's really good. Where are you from? I'm from Maryland originally. You've been in LA for a couple years? Yeah, I've been in LA going on five. I actually came for a regular job and I started doing stand-. You've been in LA for a couple years? Yeah, I've been in LA, it's been going on five. I actually came for a regular job and I started doing stand-up like two years ago. The job with Guitar Center? Guitar Center, yes.

I tried to get a regular job but the public demanded I do stand-up. I wanted so much to work like a regular person. I wanted this fucking gift. I couldn't let them down. The little people. The scum and the vermin. What do you do for fun, Cyrus? I surf.

There's a lot of surfers here tonight. I shamelessly hopped on the bandwagon when I moved out here. I lived down in Manhattan Beach. What is a bandwagon, do you know? It's a group of people hopping on something. They want to like what's popular. But is there a band on the wagon? Or do you have to...

I mean, you say it, but it's so arrogant and nonchalant. You don't really know what it fucking means. It's like when the tour team's doing well, you just hop on the bed. What is it, literally? It's a tour bus with the wagon connected to the back of the tour bus where they used to keep gear. Hey, I'm asking him. What else? So you surf?

Yeah. Uh-huh. I surf. I mean, honestly, all I do is stand up and I work now. So that's pretty much my life. Where do you work at? I drive Lyft and Uber. Nice. You drive an Uber? Yeah.

I would never get in a fucking car. I'm not Persian. I'm qualified to drive Uber. That's like part of the requirement. Oh, you're half Persian, huh? Yeah. You look kind of like Jakar. Have you slept with any of your customers? No, no. It's close?

No, I mean, people don't want to fuck to help. I mean, that's not really... That's like in porn movies. That's what happens in real life. I would just imagine there's a lot of drunk girls in these Ubers going like, hey, just come inside

and eat my ass. Oh, that's actually... No. No, definitely not. Cyrus wishes that that's what was happening in Ubers. Especially not when you're driving the left.

Is that the mustache one? Yeah. Oh, you gotta put a pink mustache on your car? Yeah, I mean, not at all. It sucks. It sounds like a gold man you gotta put down. I mean, it on a boat. It sucks. Just as like a grown man, you gotta fucking put down... I mean, it's on your fucking radiator. I'd imagine that the worst is like when you're not working,

the lift job and the mustache isn't on, and then you meet somebody, like maybe your future wife, and you're like, hey, oh yeah, nice to meet you, oh yeah, I'm going the same way you are, let me just grab something out of my trunk, and you open that and they see that mustache, and you turn around and they're just half a mile down the road. Because that's when they find out, that was a long journey for... Jesus.

Do you do any material about... Now you know how I feel. I left my home in Pasadena to come here and fuck it up. Do you do any material about Uber or Lyft? Not yet. I mean, someone puked outside my window on New Year's Eve. Yeah. Puked outside of it? Yeah, he was pretty good. He got all outside.

Oh, that's good. So you're not surprised. But that's, like, you talked about, like, having gay friends, but you seem, like Dom said, it seemed like you really had timing down at a good pace, and I thought, oh, I'd like to know something about you as opposed to just your friends that are homophobic or whatever.

You got such a great delivery. You should peel back the layers a bit more. Oh, that's just how I felt. What scares you? What are you afraid of? Not making it. I basically quit a high-paying job to do this. Did you really? It was fucking terrifying, yeah.

What was the job? I was in ad sales online ad sales kind of reminds me of Matt Edgar a little bit like how he acts uh have you ever killed a bird I mean I'm I'm I need money so we may be gonna bring a deal they can talk take off the parrots you need money man that must suck upset for life. No, seriously. It's good. Try to relate to you.

You said you're half Persian. What's the other half? Because you're super white. So I'm imagining it's just like German or something crazy, right? Polish. Polish. Oh yeah, that's one of the ones. That's where he got his wit from. Those good Polish punchlines. I'm like this Polish guy. I couldn't breathe. It wasn't as funny as the Swedish guy I met the night before.

But, yeah. Well, good job, man. Cyrus, it was nice to have you back on. See you guys soon. Really, me and Wes probably would do it, you know? I feel like I've heard all of them. That's a really funny take.

It's a good one. He's on Twitter. It's Cyrus the Clown, all one word. Just follow him. So that's fun. Steve, I always ask first-time guests this question. Was there anything that you did or said or anything when you first started stand-up, very first started, that you can't believe you said or did? For example, like one day Chris Lososewick's gonna look back on his barber

bit with the he's gonna go holy shit I've never been funnier than I was that night I've got a bunch of people that's I've gotten the wildest answers some guys started off with like a they brought up a dummy and like it's amazing to watch the evolution of comedians. I started in New York City and it was just, I got it, like I mean this when I said, the first seven years was just a blur.

Yeah, I know it sounds weird, but I can't even remember my first time. I just remember it went well and I was hooked after that. I said, I'm doing this the rest of my life and I never make a dime. And I just, that's pretty much how it's been. I haven't because I've been on TBS the last three years. But no, it's just, it's pretty much how it's been. And I haven't, because I've been on TBS the last three years, so. But no, it's just,

it's all just been a complete blur. I really, I know the shittiest joke I ever wrote, it was like the first month, and I told it, and I was like, that, you'll never do worse than that. And it was, I'm glad I'm not, I'm glad I'm not in the E Street band, because if Bruce Springsteen ever got

pissed off at me, I couldn't say, you're not the boss of me. And it was just like, I'm not in the E Street band because if Bruce Springsteen ever got pissed off at me I couldn't say you're not the boss of me and I was just like even as I wrote it I was like I hate you oh shit I wrote a bad one like that a few weeks ago because I was writing

on well I don't know if they did it but I'll just tell you the joke but I was writing for, well, I don't know if they did it, but I'll just tell you the joke. But I was writing for a show where I end up writing topical things, and anyway, the subject was the U2 putting their new album out on the iPhone. And what I said was, or what I wrote was,

I still can't find what I'm looking for is what people say when they're looking for a good track on that album. Bad, but good. Probably made it on that show. Maybe writers go minimum for that show. You guys can laugh at that. Dom, what's a crazy thing you did when you were

a kid, when you were starting out? I did stand-up in first grade. I was in a Catholic school, so eighth grade was where they graduated from. And this nun said, you think you're funny? I'll take you up to the eighth grade. My cousins were in eighth grade. And I did stand-up, and I don't know what I said, but the desks were this high, and the kids were all laughing. I'm thinking, fuck, this is great. And I had to wear clean, you know. I mean, that was the first time I ever did anything performance-wise.

It was just, I never forgot that feeling, you know. So it was wild. Nobody could laugh at me. Fucking bird-hated. It was wild. One time I was doing stand-up and my mom had a thing, a benefit for her charity

or hospital, and my cousin Johnny got mad at a guy that wasn't laughing. He didn't get, like, you know, this is not personal. He'd go, you fucking start laughing

at him, motherfucker. What is your fucking head? And I said, Billy. Yeah. Yeah. That's how shit happens. Philly's a tough town. Philly yeah yeah that's how shit happens Philly's a tough

town Philly's the fucking worst it's crazy I always think of Vegas as the place that all the

pretty people from LA go to party and Atlantic City is where all the ugly people from Philly

go to party yes it is I did a tweet or I don't know I had Instagram I had all these girls from the Laugh Factory, the waitresses, they're all beautiful.

And I sent it back and said, I wish my friends in Philly were as beautiful as my Hollywood friends. I got all kinds of fucking hate shit over here. Fuck you. How about battery acid in your face, you motherfucker? Easy, guys. It was a joke.

Right on the Facebook. They were right in front of me. Let me tell you more about my first great stand-up Alright, I think we met this guy for the first time last week The name is the one that I think Let's put your hands together for Tommy Rico Fellas Thank you, fellas. Thank you, guys. I'm from Boston. My mother always told me, if you don't have anything nice to say, you are from Boston.

Because we're very aggressive people. Every city has a travel slogan that makes you want to go there. New York, nice and simple. I love New York. Boston should be intense to match our personality. Like, Boston! You want to go? Just make irrational, stupidly angry people. Sometimes people get passive aggressive when they ask things about Boston. They say, oh, you're from Boston, huh? A lot of racism up there. I'm sorry, are you calling me a racist? Or are you somehow suggesting I should have fixed up Boston's little racism problem all by myself before I left? Either way, I'm not interested in either of those jobs.

And by the way, it's not that Boston is necessarily racist. It's that everything in a Boston accent sounds racist. You can have an old Irish guy say, in the 1960s, I marched with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. And all anybody's hearing is, I think that guy killed Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Thank you guys very much. I'm Tommy. I can't really save it there at the end. Really almost erased the previous 59 seconds. Can I tell something in the interest of, just to put it out there? I opened for Dom Irera in Chicopee, Massachusetts in 2008 and it was one of the most fun gigs I ever had.

Wow, look at that! I can't say it in English. Good to see you, buddy! Where you been? Good to see you, buddy. Where you been? I've been working hard enough, apparently. It's good to see you. You were one of my favorite guys.

I know before you had two of the best things that I ever heard before a show. You were real nice to me, which was great. But right before when I met you, you shook my hand. You said, are you nervous? I said, no. I said, good. Because if you if you are I'm gonna have to ask you to leave that's the first thing you said to me and I had to ask for your intro he said all right I got a list 19 credits they're all equally important so read them with equal importance as you get towards the end of the list I want you to get real emotional Like this is a big deal for you

Towards the back end of that list If you can work up some tears Get to the point where you're almost finished with life And then say Ladies and gentlemen A comedy legend Dom Iren And he's actually kidding

Whatever you want to say is fine Just don't call me a comedy legend. And I didn't, so that's how it happened. I hate being called a legend. It's like, Ronnie Dangerfield's a legend. I'm just an older comic with a fucking... I don't think anybody would agree with you, Dom. But I understand.

I'm not a legend. A legend's Rodney. Robin Williams is a legend. I'm terrific, don't get me wrong. That's so funny, man. Fuck yeah, reunited all the way from Chickapee, Massachusetts. The Hooky Loud. Hooky Loud.

A Chinese restaurant next to a trailer park. That's great that you remember that. That's hilarious. What were you going to originally say, though? Yeah, please do. I deserve it. What were you going to originally say, though? Yeah, please do. I deserve it.

No, no, you had that Boston confidence about you that Philly doesn't have. But you did. You had that semi-Nick DiPaolo sounding cadence. That's weird, man. It's one of those gigs. It's so funny. I'm sorry I don't remember it, but it's like... The thing about intros is the longer the intro, the worse the act.

I was hosting a show at the Improv in New York when I started out, and I brought up a guy, and I forgot to say a certain credit, and he comes up to me and goes, man, you were supposed to say I was the road company of Grease. I go, you know what, how about writing some funny fucking jokes? You think these guys from Brooklyn and Queens go, hey, who was in Greece? Pay attention. You being nice to me beforehand and bringing out the nervous thing

because I was super nervous for you. So it totally put me at ease. I had a good night that night and it was fun. Good, man. Yeah. There you go. You saved it tonight. You saved it tonight. Good luck out here. Saved it tonight at the very end, but we all know Bostonians only bomb in marathons,

so... Oh! Lots of straws. There you go. No party horn on that one? Yeah. I like that one.

Oh, that's not it. There it is. Tommy, thank's not it. There it is. Tommy, thank you so much. Thank you guys very much. I like that one. Alright, let's keep this fun train moving along. Only a few more left. Put your hands together for David Baster.

Great person. David Baster. I really like a trip. David Bastard, everybody. Hey, thank you for giving up for me, David Bastard. You have yourselves, what's up? Alright, shut up. The next day, the day after Christmas, I was walking down the street, that's what I do,

and I saw brand new Nerf guns in a recycling bin on the sidewalk, and I thought, wow, someone's mom's a real fucking bitch. Not letting her kids play with their guns. Or letting them play with their guns for like two seconds and then it's like, okay, this is dangerous now. They gotta go. Let's see. There's a movie coming out. It's Selma. A new movie coming out.

It's about MLK. Martin Luther King. I thought, this is a good movie, this is a good movie that's gonna be a nice reminder that tells me a time when the blacks and the whites just didn't get along. Remember that time? I think it's because of the negro overload. I think there was a time when the blacks and the whites

were pretty cool, and I was like, you know, man, you black, you strong, you build this house, and I'm white and I'm smart. And I'll just tell you how to do it. And I'm going to get some more of you Negroes. But you know what? There's actually a lot of you guys out here. You know, there's a lot of niggas over here, too.

I just noticed that, man. This is a man named Kutukete. And I was like, I can't spell that. Yeah, there he is. Man, that's bullshit. Come here. Don, that's bullsh**. Come here, don't let that motherf***** get in the way of the guy. F**k yeah. One more time for Haiti, everybody. Yeah, he definitely is blacker than I am. Yeah, he's more like, what would the country be? I don't know.

Fill in your own punchline there, everybody. Yeah, he definitely is blacker than I am. Yeah, more like, what would the country be? I don't know. Fill in your own punchline there, everybody. Like Urkel and Carlton from... Right. There you go. I was completely lost. Were you guys completely lost? Well, I mean, what you did was, you did more of facts than jokes.

Like, yeah, if that mom threw out the Nerf guns, then yeah, she is a bitch. It was like a setup. Yeah. I was waiting a setup. Yeah. I was waiting for, you know. I liked the line when he said there was a time when blacks and whites didn't get along. Yeah. It was funny, but, you know,

I don't know why it didn't, I mean, I don't know if they were taking it seriously, but I thought it was... Because I think now, I was born then, so I'm just, like, kind of taking a guess from, like, history books and stuff like that. Well, you meant for it to be sarcastic, didn't you?

Yeah. Yeah. you? Yeah. Yeah? Are you asking for answers? It's alright. What's up, is your real last name Bastard? Yeah, my dad died. Now I don't know who else to turn to for rent. Oh, you did it for that joke?

Aw, now the whore means nothing. Did you, so that's not your real last name? Bass. Okay. Like the fish. But you've been going by Bass lately? How long have you been doing stand-up? A few years now. A few years? Yeah. The other things like acting and stuff like that. Have you been in anything that we can watch? I was in a slavery enactment once for the History Channel.

What did you have to do for that role? It was mostly running around the field in loincloths with pitchforks and we were running around chasing white people. It was actually a lot of fun. Behind the scenes we were all hanging out with the horses and calling each other nigger. It was... those were the white guys who were saying that, but we were just... we didn't have that check in the mail. Reminds me of Philly. Reminds me of Philly. You're dressed very well. Thanks. Probably one of the best dressed of the night, if that means anything in this universe.

But it really doesn't. Do you have a job that you do here in LA? I do this thing where I cut cardboard boxes into squares. Oh, is this another one of those wacky setups you've let us on so far? Well, no. Uh-oh, I can sort of smell it out now. I mean, I've only known you for three minutes, but... I smell cardboard piles.

That's common. Wait, wait. To cut the cardboard... Wait, take me back. Take me back. So you do this thing where you cut the cardboard and... Okay. It's a little squiz. Okay, wait a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait, a little squiz. Wait a second, wait wait wait wait wait.

Hold on, wait wait wait wait wait. Go ahead. It's an 8x11 squiz. I tried selling them to guys on the street but they never gave me any change for them so I just gave it to them. So what is it? I sell cardboard cutout signs. For what? Like what did the sign say? God dammit, like is this like a thought process? Hey stick with me over here. Thank you, thanks Justin. Thank you for the signal.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, listen to the Patriot. It's taking him everything to not be racist right now. I didn't get one of them jobs from reenactments. What? That wasn't even racist, but everybody knew who the fuck it was. That's how we're totally waiting for Eric to be racist right now. I didn't get one of them jobs from reenactments. Um, I think I got on Craigslist after I like sucked this guy's cock and he was like, Hey, I could watch this movie.

Okie dokie, Jake. You're a wild one. Anything else for David, guys? Any advice or you want to blowjob or something? What do you think? Go to the blowjob, I think. I'm off-duty this week, so. I think for yourself. I'm off-duty this week. I think we should all say that. No, I thought that there were, yeah, I thought that that joke, I agree with Dom, I thought that was the best joke in there.

And I thought, you know, I think any time you get more personal, I think if you did a historical reenactment on the History Channel, that's right for comedy. I mean, you talked about that. Yeah. I wish I had more about that. Yeah, absolutely. Sorry about that. No, it's all good. Now you know.

Now you can start that and turn that into a bit. Okie dokie. David Bastard, everybody. There you go. He's on Twitter. David Bastard. Hashtag DLB or hashtag DLB3, obviously. He's one of the only comedians I've ever seen trying to start their own hashtag from being on the show. So there you go.

Hashtag DLB did you know by the way you're facing that way that when you did the sound effect of loop loop loop that I was taking a sip of water did you know that really you did it no look and you knew that was the thing you're a road Put your hands together for Brian Redman. Founder of the Dead Squad Network, co-host of the Joe Rodan Studio, and my constant companion. Tony, have you ever worked side splitters in Tampa? No. I'll be there next week. You ever work in City of Bro? No.

That's Thursday the week after that. About the funny book. When are you in the funny book? The week after Valentine's Day. When I hear a capsulization of my career, can I just say this because it struck me funny? One week, I was going to the Sydney Opera House. Right?

Fucking cool. Sydney Opera House. And I enjoyed the moments. 3,000 people. Boom. The following week, I was at Mr. Magoogie's Joe Cut. Townsend, Maryland.

What the fuck? Does that keep a balance in life? There's a gun range next to that. Is there really? Yeah. It's in a strip mall way in the back. Yeah, it's funny. It's a paycheck.

Well, put your hands together for your next comedian he goes by the name of michael perkins wow okay wow the other day my my girlfriend i was fucking my girlfriend and she stuck her finger in my ass. Now she sued me for defecation of character. Now I'm the one getting shit on. I don't think that Trix Rabbit was silly at all. I think he was hungry and those dumb kids starved a rabbit. Deep breaths. I didn't think you were going to call my name, Tony.

Every time I see someone fucking a tree in the woods, that's how it happens more than... I think that's so Avatar. That happens more than... I think that's so Avatar. You know, because if you see Avatar, they're kind of in the woods, kind of... fucking, I don't know, nature. You think... You remember when we were kids?

You remember when we were kids and they had that scrubbing bubbles commercial? Right where those little brushes came out and danced around your tub and cleaned your tub? It can't work like that, guys. I love your style. Michael Perkinson. Fuck yeah, just have that joke and just ride the wave up the middle of it. I see what you're doing, you motherfucker. Hell yeah. That's an interesting style. Would you ever consider working as a feature act in Tampa? Sure. He's already got the sandals for the job.

You look like a giant lesbian. You look like Daniel Tosh with AIDS. Alright, yeah. I'm still a bitch. Bitch, can I repeat what I'm saying here? Now you do good, you son of a bitch. I'm trying to bring it out of you.

See, that's what I do here. I try to inspire people. I love your scrubbing bubbles. That's not what they do! They don't do that. You remember that commercial, don't you? Yeah. I was so excited, I was just gonna come out and clean the tub.

Bullshit, no! I didn't even have smiley faces on my lashes. I think you gonna come out and clean the tub. Bullshit, no! I didn't even have smiley faces on my lashes! Don't they have like, mustaches or something? I'm thinking Pringle guy. Yeah, I don't know. It's amazing. I just love following your career, you know, it's good to see you here. You know, it all started with, hey you guys!

And now... And now you just... So we get to work with you. It's like such an honor. I also love you in every episode of Orange is the New Black, too. I love that. It's so much fun. Hey, man.

I love the shorts because you're a bigger guy, so you stay warm pretty easily, right? No, I don't. I wear elastic pants because my weight fluctuates easily. I love you. How long have you been doing stand up? Doing it off and on for about four years. I've never really had good jokes. You should have been a lot more off than on. I love this guy. The out of breath comedian.

He always wanted. I've been able on all you guys. I bet you do. Turtle, how's it going? You're bombing now. Back to the pod. Michael, what do you do for fun? Will you live here in LA?

I got here two weeks ago. I was selling plants in Huntington Beach for three weeks before I quit that. Plants. I learned a lot about plants. Didn't sell any, though. So I just got here from Florida, 2,000 miles about a month ago. I'm fucking terrified. Quit my job today. Living here now

and plan on kicking ass. Who knows? Fuck yeah. So nobody would buy your bush? What? You were selling plants. No, man, no. It's a lesbian joke.

Do I look like a lesbian? I tried to cut my own hair yesterday. Oh, yeah. Did you hear how everybody laughed after I said it? Yeah. That wouldn't have worked on a fucking David Bastard. Are you a fan of Bert Kreischer? I'm a fan of him.

I'm a fan of him. I'm a fan of him. I'm a fan of him. I'm a fan of him. I'm a fan of him. I'm a fan of him. I'm a fan of him. I'm a fan of him. I'm a fan of him. I'm a fan of him. I'm a fan of him. I'm a fan of him. That wouldn't have worked on a fucking David Bastard.

Are you a fan of Bert Kreischer? Never heard of him. Her. Her. Oh, shit. Who is it? I don't know. You're from Florida, right?

Yeah. It's one of Florida's biggest comics. I don't know anybody from Florida. Tampa. And he's from Tampa. How old are you? I'm from Pensacola, Florida. I turned 29 on the from Florida. Tampa. And he's from Tampa. How old are you? I'm from Pensacola, Florida. I turned 29 on the 30th.

Wow. Hopeless. Is that what you're telling me? Hopeless? No, I love it. Hopeless to the devoted? You have a look that everybody, every comedy movie star's had for the last few years. So I don't know if you're getting here late or...

Is this like the Napoleon Dynamite to Will Ferrell? I don't know if you're getting here late or uh... Is this like the Napoleon Dynamite to Will Ferrell? Napoleon Dynamite to Will Ferrell? It's like Neapolitan Dynamite. You're fat, buddy. Maybe you forgot. There's no point in doing that. You can donate to Tony's web fund, Cystic Fibrosis, for... Come on! Come on, Michael! Is it the kidneys or the liver, Tony? web phone cystic fibrosis for even eating the only roast that goes from the Lens Crafters

to the fucking Burger King. I don't know. I don't know. Fuck it. Michael, I like your style. So what do you do for fun? What do I do for fun? Well, I tell jokes. I know that one. We get that part. I play tennis. Get the fuck out of here.

I teach tennis. As a matter of fact, man, I've played professional tennis. I gotta play... I'm so glad you did! I got a game against Jack Sock. He won Wimbledon doubles this year. Holy shit. You're like Andre Big-ass-y. No tennis jokes. You and Kirk Fox should have a game.

Well, sure. Where are you gonna get a job at? Why don't you teach tennis? Fuck it. You know what's Where are you going to get a job at? Why don't you teach tennis? Fuck it. You know what's great about you playing tennis though? I'm sorry to cut off that question. I love that you play tennis because it's one of the only games where it's never shirts versus skins, so you can keep your shirt on all the time. Oh, nothing on that?

It's because I cut off the question. It never works after that. No, it's because it was never going to be funny in the first place. Oh, there he is. He's fighting back. Just like when he sleeps at night and his heart stops. You think it's over. This was never gonna be funny in the first place though. Oh, there he is, he's fighting back. Just like when he sleeps at night and his heart stops. You think it's over.

You think it's over, and it just keeps going. It's just apnea, not a heart attack. He still has fight. The natural rhythm will take over. Michael, I love you. You got a new mother. Thank you so much. Thanks, guys. Thank you.

He's got such a great demeanor. He's got like a great stage presence. He just jokes. But I think if he keeps that, the audience comes up and is like, I want to hear what this guy says. He can go two directions. He can do jokes or he can just keep getting better at doing short, bad jokes and and is like, I want to hear what this guy says. He can go two directions. He can do jokes or he can just keep getting better at doing

short, bad jokes and just going like, oh, man. There's something so likable about that that everybody can relate to. You have a very great, natural knack at doing that, so I don't know. It could go either way. It's got to be fun being able to have a style in which you get to

write shit jokes like garbage. It doesn't have to work. It's almost the worst the joke and the quicker of a bad joke that it is, the more you get to actually do what your jujitsu is, which is just that weird shit like, man, darn it! Oh, man!

Jiminy Crickets! You see how so much comes down to likability? Because everybody ended up liking him, and the first thing when his finger up his ass, you think, where's this guy going to go? When somebody laughs that hard at their own jokes, it's infectious.

It's either sad or it's funny, and he was funny. It's infectious, which is also like the diabetes that he has. Back up a whole lot. also like the diabetes that he has. Back up, old boy. He's on Twitter at Art15Boys. Is that right?

What's that all about? You know what I'm talking about. Art15Boys. What is it, seriously? It's a clothing company. It's a military veterans clothing company. Now we're all assholes. Now we're all assholes.

Jesus. Do you have a fucking tennis game to play? I love it. Now what it seems like, does it? I think you're going to do her in here. All right. One more time for Michael Perkins. This is the end of the show where we move on And we close it out with our two regulars

These two young ladies do a brand new minute Every single week And it's always unbelievable to watch And see what they're going to do next You've been on a few times And it's always fun to watch them grow Your first one just got back from a couple weeks In Florida

Where she's from She dropped out of college after doing Kill Tony and she's been writing a new minute every single week for the last like year and a half. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kimberly Congdon. Hey guys. So I recently got on birth control, which is really exciting. Some good stuff. I'm excited about it because I'm Puerto Rican and I really needed it.

And now I feel like guys, you know, guys can like come near me and I can't get pregnant, which is nice. That's really exciting. I bonged for my first time in Florida in front of all my friends and family, which is hard. Yeah, it's hard to tell dick jokes in front of grandma. She was like agreeing with all of them. She was drunk like, I've done that! It wasn't pretty. My mom was worried I was going to kill myself after the show. Not because she was going to miss me, but because I owed her $50. She didn't want me to leave without it.

She didn't want me to leave without it. Being Puerto Rican is really hard. Why is it so hard? Because I saw a guy I liked, I thought was hot on Facebook today, I wanted to like his picture, but I wasn't sure if he was my cousin or not. And that's a true story. Thank you for clarifying that. We don't want to break your integrity. I love it. You're my con.

Turning on towards the end, we talked about the real thing that happened this weekend. You know, the birth control thing, if you're going to go there, I'd just say, like, cum choke would be the way to go. That's an old premise. I bailed on it, like, after the first joke.

If you're going to talk about that, you're going to want to take a crazy angle at it. And make it your own thing. That's so fun that you bombed in front of your family. I've done that before. It was the worst thing ever. It was sad reading your Facebook updates. I wanted to die.

She was basically openly tweeting about how bad the set was after the set was over it's horrible for all the people that grew up with it all that yeah and it was like the simple jokes that I did everybody was like ahhh like dying and so I was getting frustrated like you fucking moron

is there a joke in greatest thing about birth control is I don't have to use protection anymore So I was getting frustrated, like, you fucking morons. Exactly. Is there a joke in Greatest Thing About Birth Control is I don't have to use protection anymore? No, there's not. Well, it's just the truth. I mean, how stupid somebody would be to think that they didn't use protection. I mean, it depends on the situation, I guess. Right, I see what you're saying.

Like, say that you don't know that you can't get STDs. Oh, right. I never use a condom anymore. It's better than a birth control. Oh, yeah. So, how bad was it? What was the worst moment? What part of the Florida set really

made you realize that this was rough? Well, the real thing that happened, I didn't get to it, was that my grandpa was actually standing next to me and I made an anal sex joke. And he was really hammered and he was like, hey, don't talk like that. In the middle of my set I was being like punished. It's kind of sexy. Where were they sitting? Could you see them from the stage? I could see everyone. It was outside. I was just set up to film.

It was outside? Now, is this your parents idea? My parents have never seen me do stand up comedy and that's on purpose. So, this is what happened. I told my mom I was coming home for two weeks. She was like, let's set up a show. I live in a really small town. And I didn't think she was going to actually do it. And then she called me two weeks later, sold out 140 people from my town.

Wait, your mom sold it out? Yeah. Your mom produced your, oh God. Oh yeah. But she invited my whole town. And i couldn't turn back at that point because she was so excited and so happy to do it i was like okay but i told her that i was going to fail especially because they wanted me to do 25 minutes how much do you have not 25 minutes wow right i mean i did really good up until like 15

and then things started to get weird things started getting weird after like 10 after grandpa said don't don't be a dick have you ever tried doing crowd work because that's probably what you should have done I knew everybody in the crowd personally

I remember when your husband cheated on you with that lady everybody in the crowd what am I supposed to say I've heard everyone's feelings I grew up with all right they already it's already sad there it's an hour southeast of Orlando yeah there's one there's like one club back home it's called County line and it's a line dancing you have to see these people after the set like the next day? No, I had to see them that night

because afterwards everyone stayed and drank and I had to stay with my family. So I had to hang out with them all night so I just like blacked out

with my grandfather. What did they say to you? With the same grandfather that told you not to talk about the anal stuff? Yeah, we just got really drunk.

You guys just got shit-faced. He's already shipping Wow anyway sucks all right I'm gonna time so you should have videotaped the whole thing how long you've been doing it though all in stand up yeah like a year five months oh yeah you're gonna be fine yeah everybody bombs i bombed in front of my parents so you know well that was also the first time that i really like bombed too like well what's interesting then it was those people on top of that you gotta think of it this way you've done it for a year and you did 25 minutes after a year i don't think i could do 25 minutes. You did it in front of your friends and family.

That's fucking crazy count. And it's outside. Oh God, it was outside? It was by the river. Just get on that boat with Clooney and Mark Wahlberg. It couldn't be any worse. It's literally on the sand.

Oh, fuck. It's like Turtle Mating Season 2 and it's just like, god damn it. The tables were spaced out and shit. It was a fucking nightmare. Yeah, but you can only look, this would be one of those gigs you look back years from now when you nail that anal

joke in front of grandpa. He just gives you the big gums. He goes, I'm not her. There she goes, everybody. Kimberly Condon, another brand new minute. And the only other regular, everybody, been doing the same thing, been on the show since the beginning, doing a brand new minute all the time. The funny stylings of

Sarah Weinshank. What's up? I had a fruit salad recently, and it disappointed me. There's nothing worse than a generic fruit salad. A lot of places, they do this. They say that they have a fruit salad. You order it as a side, and it's just the same generic ass fruit. It's a piece of pale cantaloupe, something that looks kind of like a watermelon and a red grape.

What is that? That's just the generic fruit salad everywhere. It's the fruit salad that normally just comes in a styrofoam cup, but if you go out and you order it as a side, they'll just empty it from the cup onto your plate. It's gross. What am I eating? I can't tell if this is honeydew or pale ass cantaloupe. It's just white. You know it's in the melon

family, but you can't tell which melon it is. You have any more? Yeah. You're killing me. What do you have to do? I was going to talk about how a berry would make me feel like a real queen. Or like something you would do for a fucking piece of kiwi.

That would be shocking in a fruit salad. It's interesting. It's definitely a Sarah Weinshank joke. You're taking something small and you're ranting about it. That's in her wheelhouse. And I think fruit salad's very promising. I would say,

I would say, when you start it, I would get into the 25 seconds in, I'd fast forward straight to, start describing it almost immediately. You know what I mean? Instead of waiting on it. Yeah, like the anger came out later on.

You've got to come out of the gates kind of pissed about it. I had been picturing the one piece of cantaloupe and the one piece of whatever was the watermelon and the one red grape for like 10, 15 seconds before you said those things. So it's like if you give it to people before they picture how bad a fruit salad can be, you know what I mean? If you let them realize

at the same time as when you're saying it, instead of before. Well, because I really wanted to come out more angry, but I was like, no, I don't want to just yell at them right away about fruit salad, so it's always that small line, because you want to get it out and feel passionate about it, but you don't want to start off

by yelling at you guys about cantaloupe. But it's okay. It's okay. Because we in the podcast listeners, I mean like the people that listen to the show, know your style. And these people will understand it 20, 30 seconds in. Just like with Michael

Perkinson, we knew 30 seconds in that the funniest thing about him was in between his jokes. So I wouldn't be afraid of trying to impress the audience, because they'll always jump on board. You've got to go 100 miles an hour always. But I get what you're saying, and yes, fruit salad's a golden

premise, because it fucking sucks, man. If they made fruit salads good, so many more people would eat fruit. It almost seems like unhealthy companies are running the type of food that we're eating. I thought I wanted to hang myself.

You were supposed to get the wireless mic. I hate those salads because it is a lottery. Sometimes you have a good one because I get a lot of fruit salads. And then you get the melon salad. You don't even have to say the, whatever, the one piece of watermelon. You just say melon because that's the most annoying thing is when you eat, it's all orange melon.

Orange and green. The green one's the worst. Green melon. What's that one? Honeydew, but it's like honey and green and white. And it's usually super ripe or not ripe enough, so it's hard as fuck. And it looks like they're playing volleyball with the one grape. It's just melon.

Sad, brown, sad, bold volleyball. You want to close this out? We are, Dom. We are. Here we go. Philosophy of fruit? The way you end the show? It's such a terrific show

it's not in my wheelhouse or I'm not jumping on your bandwagon you know what that means Sarah thank you so much thank you fruit salad Kimberly Congan and her both on Twitter Kimberly Congan

and Princess Shank follow them on Twitter follow CallMeEC that's Princess Shank. Follow them on Twitter. Follow CallMeEC. That's Eric Carter, everybody. He's on Twitter. Very funny, young, hillbilly comedian. Southern drawl. Thanks, Eric. Anything else you want to promote?

There you go. Fuck yeah. The great Steve Byrne. Thank you so much. You're on Twitter. Anything else? Any dates coming up or anything you want to talk about? It doesn't matter. The great Steve Byrne. Thank you. Thank you so much. You're on Twitter at Steve Byrne. Anything else? Any dates coming up or anything you want to talk about? It doesn't matter.

It's all good. It doesn't matter. Check him out on Twitter and on his website. Good to have you guys. Thank you so much, Steve. Great times. Dom Irera. Thank you, Dom.

The best. Brian Darling. I won't call you a legend, but I will tell you, you are something else. You're a fucking machine. Brian Redband. We did it again. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Live audience. I won't call you a legend, but I will tell you, you are something else. Brian Redband, we did it again. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Live audience, thank you so much for coming out. Thank you, guys.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don't care. Thank you.