KILL TONY - KILL TONY #89

Episode Date: March 20, 2015

Greg Fitzsimmons, Matt Braunger, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, PeteeC, Kenny Lyons, Willie Hunter, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 01/19/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is RedBand, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. I know a lot of you are mad about the video portions being delayed. Well, I'm just trying to catch up, guys. We are far behind, and the video and stuff like that takes a long time to edit. And because of all the new changes that we are going through right now at DeathSquad, which have yet to be announced, I am just going to try to catch up on the audio. Now, I know it pisses you off and everything like that, but I have to look at it like this. Only 10% of you watched the video portion.

I know that sounds crazy, but the majority of you still are only listening to the audio portion. So I'm going to try to catch up with Kill Tony in the next couple weeks all the way to the current episode. So that's why I'm putting out all the audio as fast as possible. Then I'm going to go back and do the video. Now, ustream.tv slash death squad has the last five episodes of Kill Tony or so up there. So you can watch those right now. So there's a few episodes that are missing video portion wise, but we'll get those out as soon as possible and these new changes are

pretty big there's a lot of big things happening which is causing this delay and we'll announce those soon so please be patient check out the audio portions if you don't usually watch or listen to the audio just check it out and then we'll have the video out as soon as we can also check out death squad.tv click on tour dates. Me and Tony are about to hit the road. We have, not only do we have a secret show at the Comedy Store, and that's April 1st, which is Tom Segura, Tony Hinchcliffe, Christina Pajitsky, me, and a bunch of surprise guests. Steve Agee's going to be there, but we have a lot of tickets are on sale right now.

That's April 1st at the Comedy Store, Death Squad Secret Show in the main room. Death Squad Vancouver, 420. We're waiting for the tickets to go on sale. I'll have some announcements soon on that. But me and Tony are going to San Francisco May 12th at the Punchline, and then May 13th we'll be in Sacramento.

So just go to deathsquad.tv, click on Tour Dates. And don't forget Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And our 100th episode of Tony Hinchcliffe, Kill Tony, is coming to the Comedy Store, so check it out. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Wow. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous

Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony. Let's play! Oh, snapperoonie. Another wacky Monday here in the belly room of the Comedy Store.

Thanks, everybody, for coming out. How you guys doing? That's a real live audience, podcast listeners. Holy moly. I'm so excited to be here. Another very fun Monday. It's good to be back. Crazy stuff happening with Kill Tony.

A lot of crazy internet buzz right now because we found out that some young comic named Dusty Lester, who's been on the show before, directly stole jokes from somebody in South Carolina. They saw the episode here. I guess Dusty didn't realize that the podcast is on the internet

so people can see if he did somebody else's material. He did a minute of somebody else's material and that person texted a minute of somebody else's material, and that person texted him and sent a whole bunch of things. So there's a lot of crazy internet buzz right now about the show. Yeah, if you go on my Twitter right now, there's a good video I just retweeted that has all of them. It's not just one comic.

I guess it's a few comics. And he recently won using this material, that stupid Clyde's Comedy Fudge Fest. Anyway, if you're a comedian and you were here a few weeks ago, material, that stupid Clyde's Comedy Fudge Fest at Flappers. If you're a comedian and you were here a few weeks ago, then you saw Dusty because Dusty was the young man from the countryside

who lives with a big-time gay producer who lets him live with him. Because he sniffs his underwear and stuff. Oh, shit. I forgot about that. We talked with him for with him. Oh, that's right. That's the same guy, right? Because he sniffs his underwear and stuff. Oh, shit. I forgot about that. We talked with him for a while.

So maybe he's trolling us. Maybe a bunch of Kentucky boys are just trolling us, and they're just stealing each other's jokes as we talk about it. I never got the written out thing of what the recipe today was, but it's something delicious made by our one and only sponsor,

Elyse Lane, everybody. Put your hands together for her. Do you know what it was? Gourmet chef. It was a huge piece of carne asada, and it looks like it's got some mango. What is that? Do you want to come up in the microphone and tell us?

Yeah, tell us in the microphone. How about that? Elyse Lane, everybody. She was our sponsor for like ten weeks in a row. Russell Peters came here a few weeks ago, hired her as his full-time chef, ladies and gentlemen. She owes us butt sex.

She owes you, I guess. You creepy fuck. Elyse, what'd you make tonight? Tonight, it is carne asada. Whoa! Yellow and purple cauliflower. Somebody was hungry when he got here tonight, huh? Romanesco, all it's been roasted with arugula, bell pepper, and that's it.

That's great. Elise Lane, everybody. Follow her on Twitter at Elise Lane. E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N. She's at the girl with the pan on Instagram and Facebook. She's our only sponsor. She cooks meals for us and our guests every single week. We have a really fun show lined up for you.

Kicking it off tonight is a little special thing that we're doing. A regular young comedian who lives in the Hollywood area that if you watch the show, you know he's on the grind. Kenny Lyon grew a dreadlock over a long period of time. Really gross. We didn't really know it was a dreadlock until one night he's like, hey, I'm like, what's up with that thing on top of your head? We thought it was a bump.

You know how girls put that bump in their hair? So it's like... I thought maybe he had headphones under his long hair or something like that because there was a clear bump. And he lifts it up and he goes, that's just a piece of, that's just a clump of hair

that has never, that just got dirty onto itself. It's turned into a gel. Like, if you have a cat with long hair and it gets matted, it was matted hair, but it's, like, hard as a rock. So I said, we got to cut that shit off. We got to give you a fresh start. And, you know, I told him we'd do it on the podcast,

but I also have musical guest Kill Tony Regular, and, you know, I'm just a huge fan of this guy, Pat Reagan, who's lately been playing a brand new song every single week on the show. So we figured, what the hell? Why not do both things at the same time? Put your hands together for Pat Reagan, Kenny Lyon,

and Pete Cornacchione at PDC, who's going to be the barber for this situation. We're going to do both of these things at the same time. Put your hands together for the great Pat Reagan, everybody. Here he is. Thank you. Can I address something, Tony, about Kenny? Yeah.

I would like to read. Guys, Kenny Lyon has been starting shit with me. Whoa. This is for real. Kenny, stand on the stage. Get in the light so that people can see how disgusting you are Kenny Lyons been saying He's mad that he doesn't get spots

And he's been going around saying Fuck Pat Regan, I want to get booked I have a Facebook post here I removed from Facebook Reported it to the proper authorities And here's what it says It says The world is a cruel place. They book people like

Pat Reagan. Fuck you, Pat Reagan. You're everything I fucking hate, you bitch. Fuck you. Kenny, Kenny, Kenny, focus. I am. Kenny, Kenny, over here. Okay. Now, Tony. Kenny, is there anything you want to say to Pat Reagan right now in front of all these people? I know what Tony wants me to say. I'm sorry, Pat. There you go. Do you even skateboard? You're wearing a Thrasher.

Oh, my God. Kenny. Kenny. Kenny's the drummer of my band's hat. He works at a skate park. Whoa. Boom. All right.

Roast battle's happening, everybody. I started it. I started the roast battle. It was me, Kenny Lyon. Kenny, stop, stop, boom. Roast battle's happening, everybody. I started it. I started the roast battle. It was me, Kenny Lyon. Kenny, stop, stop, stop. All right, honestly, Tony. Kenny, go sit down. Go sit down.

You know, when I first saw that post, though, I honestly thought that Kenny was joking around, and I laughed. I saw that, and I was like, who hates Pat Reagan? Right, exactly. Kenny is so backwards in comedy that he's the only person that even barely dislikes Pat Reagan whatsoever. But that's why Pat's playing a song every week and Kenny's on to get his hair cut. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan, everybody.

Here he is. All right, this is my mom's favorite song, and it will be nice to watch Kenny get his head shaved or whatever the fuck he's got, whatever growth shaved. Okay. All right, here we go. Kenny Lyon. No talking.

No talking. She stood in the doorway wearing pants and a shirt and another shirt on top of her first shirt. She said, I'm not even sure you know what you really want. I said, well, let me explain.

I just want a girl to love me like my mama. I just want a girl without any drama. I just want a girl to love me like my mama. I just want a girl without any drama. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I just want a girl who sends me cards on Easter with $50 checks and delicate reminders that I should go to church and I should call my grandma. I just want a girl whose mom is my grandma. I just want a girl who lives way out in Boston,

in a house with my dad and my brother Austin. I just want a girl who raised my sister Megan. I just want a girl whose name is Vicki Reagan. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. It's my mom's name. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh I'm not sure you guys heard me. I said I literally want to date my sweet old mom. Yeah. Wow. Holy shit.

Pat Reagan, everybody. Guys, give it up for Pat Reagan. I'm going to go over here and explain to you, Tony, what's going on. Who's that lesbian Manny Pacquiao in the corner? Wow. The bump is gone.

He looks like Sarah Mostajavi right now. For you two Mostajavi fans out there. I think we should have Pete finish it off because maybe for the next. No, you're not getting back on stage, Kenny. That looks perfect. That looks great.

Let's let him go with that. Let's put your hands together for that haircut from at PDC. Yeah. Kenny, why are you by the microphone? I love every single one of you guys. And my name is Kenny Lyon. Please book me. There you go. That's name is Kenny Lyons. Please book me. There you go.

That's right, Kenny Lyons. That's the perfect way to get booked. That's how it works. Just ask for it, and people are like, I want that guy. Put him in the big movie. Josh is taking the hair. He's actually touching it with his hands,

and he's going to rub his dick on that hair later tonight, guys. Okay, there you go. Brian Redband. Hair fetish. Just take what you see and add rubbing your dick to it. Yes, that's the secret. Wow.

The internet loves dicks. Works every time. Put your hands together for tonight's Patriot, everybody. Every week we have somebody here to keep us safe. This week is no different. This guy's a return Patriot, one of my favorite rising comedians in all of L.A., great host here at the Comedy Store, one of my favorite people.

It's Willie Hunter, everybody. Here he is. Wow. Look at the brightness on these lights. Damn. Confident patriot, I see. Wow. Holy shit.

I'm so excited to have you on again Willie thanks for having me fuck yeah happy MOK birthday oh yeah that's true I mean that's why I had you on perfect yeah I forgot about that the way that that helmet bumps up against Giraffro really leaves a very creepy like black Doc Brown type type of hair sticking up out of the top, and I like it. The Watchtower! What? The Watchtower! Tony, the Watchtower! Okay, there you go.

You know what? For all you fans that know every single line to Back to the Future, I'm sure you're still cracking up right now. You probably just passed out from laughing so hard. You know what I love is that Willie actually has the strobe light mode on the lights that are inside the mask.

So we're definitely going to have our first seizure here tonight. Expect him to start jiggling in about 20 minutes. Well, he's used to the flashing white lights. Red and blue lights. Never mind. Oh, I see where you were. Jesus Christ. Really tried to go on that one.

Well, Will, are you excited? I'm very excited. Me too. Let's get to it. Our two guests tonight, two of my favorite people in the world, two of the funniest comedians out there. Excited to have them both here. Put your hands together for Matt Bronger and Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody. Here he is, Matt Bronger. Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody. Here he is, Matt Bronger.

Greg Fitzsimmons. Two of my favorites, two guys I work with all the time. Matt's been on the show before. Greg, this is your first time. It's good to have you guys here. How's it going, Greg? Thanks for having me, man. Us.

Sorry, I was almost late. I lost my voice yesterday, so I went to a Jewish... here. How's it going, Greg? Thanks for having me, man. Us. And I, sorry, I was almost late. I was, uh, I lost my voice yesterday, so I went to a Jewish uh, um, deli. And I was getting some soup and I was killing like two and a half hours because I was already in town and I live in Venice. And then you texted me like, uh,

where the fuck are you at ten after? And I luckily, the Jewish deli is like just a few doors down. And I made it over. So that's the story to start off the podcast. I just like the pause after Jewish. I went to a Jewish. I was waiting for you to pounce.

Doctor, why does it matter that he's Jewish? Right. I love it. You ever been on a show that has anything that looks like that standing next to the stage I guess I was originally on Max Headroom but they wrote me out that's an old reference for this crowd

that was like 1987 anyone older than 30 will get that one I love it Max Headroom has actually come back that's pretty much what we watch right now. Seven-second videos, real quick edits. These YouTube stars are Max Hedrums, pretty much.

Absolutely. That's a solid reference. They really are. Every week, our Patriot asks our guests a question. What do you got for us this week, Patriot? He's already frustrated. I know, I'm laughing. Oh, that's what it is?

I thought it sounded like you were going to kill someone. Stop talking to them. I'm still mad at Kenny. I'm, I'm laughing. Oh, that's what it is? I thought it sounded like you were going to kill someone. Oh, stop talking to them. I'm still mad at Kenny Lyon. I'm Iron Patriot. Whoa, what are you mad at Kenny Lyon about? You can't say that about Pat Reagan. He's such a great guy, great entertainer. I want to say give it up for Pat Reagan. There you go. I absolutely agree. We are huge supporters of

Pat Reagan here. I've never seen a guy lose respect and get his hair cut at the same time normally the crowds on your side if you do something that's silly but he came out the bad guy somehow really tough to pull off Pat Reagan's gonna buy and sell all of us in the future don't you think Tony I think he's certainly gonna end up buying he's gonna be so successful that he buys a cage and he then he buys Kenny line yeah and he's going to be so successful that he buys a cage and then

he buys Kenny Lyon. And he's just going to put Kenny in the cage and feed him like a bird. Dude, seriously. And Kenny will do it. Yeah. Well, Kenny will have nothing better going on than to take the $17 that Pat Reagan's willing to pay for

his entire body to keep him in a cage. Willie, what are your questions for our guests tonight? Okay, Matt, you're a big guy. How tall are you? I'm 6'4". Did you ever play any sports growing up? I played football for almost two weeks in high school.

Bad knees. I used to do shot put, if that's a sport, and just soccer when I was a kid. I'm not athletic in the least. At all? Well, I'm an excellent dancer, but just anything competitive I'm no good at. Did you professionally dance? I would have liked to, yeah.

No, never. I don't even know what that entails. You mean like ballet or, you know? Things go sour, maybe dancing with the stars when I'm like 50 or something like that. You did shot put in high school? Uh-huh, and discus. Did you used to be a fat girl? You know, things go sour, maybe dancing with the stars when I'm like 50 or something like that. You did shot put in high school? Uh-huh, and discus. Did you used to be a fat girl?

Yes, I still am. What do you mean used to be? It's my whole persona. I always thought that. You know what, I shouldn't have answered you. I should have just cried and literally become a fat girl. That's like the prop comedy of doing track and field. Oh, it's useless.

Right. I wasn't's useless. Right. I wasn't even good. Right. You know? It'd probably be more embarrassing if I was good. Right. I was like, I was an excellent shot putter. Right. Like, you just have to be big.

The track and field people that didn't even run. No. Right. No. It's the easiest sport in the world. It was like everybody else grabbed a distance, and then they were like, we got this hardware. Yeah. Who wants to throw it?

Right. Who's good at throwing a heavy rock? It's always the kid with asthma. By the way, if you're just turning in, we do have a mob boss as one of our guests tonight. Hey, what are you doing over there? See, shot pudding. I'm going to do you a favor.

I went to a Jewish accountant. He gave me soup. It leads right into my question for Greg, you're from the Boston area, correct? No, from New York, actually. Hope that doesn't throw off your preparation. Did you ever meet any mobsters?

Did you ever get involved with any? Did you get your life threatened growing up? No, but there was a comedy club in Boston called Nick's, and it was a mob place. I shouldn't say that because it's still in business. It's called Rick's. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

There, fixed it. But there was a lot of cops that hung out in the back of the club who just kind of drank. They'd just be on their shift, and they'd come in for a drink, and they'd hang out with these Italian guys, and then there were prostitutes that would go to dominic's which was the lounge next door and there was this beautiful kind of uh just fluidity between the the prostitution world and the comedy world and the and the mafia well what jokes did you tell to get them on your side? Well, I would tell jokes like this. These two gay guys, they had a baby, and they went to the nursery in the hospital to see the baby,

and they said, which one is ours? And there were like ten babies, and they were all crying hysterically because that one baby was sitting straight up, smiling, happy, and the nurse said, that one's yours. And I went, oh my god, is he always so happy? And the nurse said, yeah, unless we take the pacifier out of his ass. So usually those kinds of jokes work pretty good. Boom.

Wow. Well you guys know the show. We sit here and we talk to brand new comedians, guys that are sometimes older and more professional comedians that just come on and hang out and do a minute, and then we talk to them afterwards. Comedians, you know your minute is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

Woo! You better wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry of a kitty. You better wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. All right, there it is. The bear has a laser? Yeah. Laser bear. The always evolving West Hollywood bear.

You don't want to hear that noise again, so don't go over your time. So let's get this thing started. Audience, are you ready? Let's do this shit. Let's watch a minute of comedy from Dennis Wade. Getting us started tonight.

Oh, you know what that means. Wow, all these people know Dennis Wade. That means he just got blacklisted. That's what happens when you get blacklisted. The head of security makes those noises and we move on to the next person that gets

pulled out whoa we know this guy he is a straight up hillbilly from Mississippi he was actually the patriot a week or two ago he just got back from being on an oil rig what you see is real put your hands together for Eric Carter everybody it is true.

I'm from the South. I'm from Mississippi. Just moved out here on New Year's Eve. One thing I get reminded of when I talk in L.A. is that Southerners do not have the best stereotypes. They think we're stupid and we kiss our sisters. But what if the stereotypes are the other way around? What if somebody heard

my accent and said like, holy shit, I bet he's good at math. Or what if they hear my accent and be like, I bet he's got a big dick. Or what if they hear I'm from Mississippi and they'll be like, holy shit, don't piss his people off, they run Hollywood.

But I have been working on the oil rigs for the past few months in North Dakota. And boy, do you work with some winners up there. I worked with this hillbilly from Arkansas, the only guy I know who can smoke crystal meth for six years and still have six chins. And you can tell by this guy's extra chromosomes that his daddy and aunt

could seed him in an El Camino over a bottle of Mountain Dew. Wow. Oh, wow. You can almost say anything with your accent. It's pretty much funny.

I know. Are you loud in the bed? Do you make noises when you have sex? No, I'm quiet. I just thrust and push and breathe. What's the craziest... Jesus. Well said.

What's the craziest thing you've ever said while having sex with someone? I don't say shit. You've never said anything though? No. I pump and breathe. That's it. I let her do the talking and the screaming. All right. What's the craziest thing a girl's ever said when you've been banging her? Well, afterwards, I've had them tell me that my dick looks like their dildo.

Oh. Wow. I'm guessing the rabbit. Yeah. The one with all the bumps. The ones with the bumps. Well, they see the vein and all that, and they're like, man, that looks like my toy.

The vein? Yeah, there's just one? There's a lot of that statement. The vein. Wait, let me see. I want to put that to the test. Do you think anything he could say with a southern accent would be funny? Yeah.

Like, you literally think any phrase... Yeah. I think he could say the fucking Pledge of Allegiance in jail right now. I'm going to whisper something in his ear. And then you say it. And I just want to test this theory out. Because I think you might be on to something Hedgeclist. The little Jewish girl's hiding in the attic.

Hang out. Somehow Somehow you made selling out Anne Frank hilarious You just gave her right up It's up there Do one more, do one more, do one more Can we do it again? Are there any more? Godfather Can we put this to the test?

Godfather, do one more The Godfather I must whisper something into your ear. It will be hilarious. Just so... Your accent makes me smile. Repeat it back, and you will take over this family one day.

Wow. I don't think he's going to be able to remember this one. Don't worry. It ain't AIDS. Oh, fuck. I don't think he's going to be able to remember this one. Don't worry. It ain't AIDS. Fuck, I don't. I thought the laugh was perfectly timed. Perfectly timed laugh. It's not AIDS.

It's going. Even. Let me tell you what it is, though. Oh, my God. Even half a punchline. It's great. Right. He literally doesn't need the rest of a joke.

Oh, my God. Do you know the Pledge of Allegiance? I know the one for the CSA, but not the USA. What does that mean? Oh, yes. Yes, do that one. Do that one. I'm just joking.

No, there ain't no Pledge of Allegiance. Oh, I thought it was like a racist one or something. I gotcha. Fuck yeah, man. So how's L.A. going? What's the craziest shit that you've seen lately? Since I've been back. What's something that you see here that you never see in Mississippi?

See trainees dancing in the street. Transgenders. Well, I mean, I grew up close to New Orleans. I said that you don't see in Mississippi. See, I grew up close to New Orleans, so, I mean, there ain't really nothing here I ain't seen in the Big Easy. I know that's not funny, but it's true.

Sounds funny when you say it. What don't you see here? I don't see truck nuts? I don't see truck nuts. I don't see... That's true. It's true. I don't see truck nuts either. That shit's probably going to take off

in the next few months. That's going to be the new hip thing. I always want to put those truck nuts on a Kia. A tiny car with huge balls. Yeah. Oh, truck nuts are the things that hang. Yeah. I got it.

I thought he was talking about the actual fans of trucking that they would call truck nuts. I thought that there was like a group of such big truck fans that they were truck nuts. Strobe sack you put on your trailer balls. But they're also, they have all different kinds. They have realistic ones where you're driving, where they banned it from Florida because it looks like real balls when you're driving. But why don't they have like car pussies or something?

Because that would be even cooler if you're just driving. You see this like pussy with like big lips and stuff? That's a damn good question. You should invent that. All right. Or at least boobs. Yeah. Oh, boobs. Just titties on the front. Boun invent that. All right. Or at least boobs. Yeah. Oh, boobs.

Just titties on the front. Bouncing boobs. Truck tits. That would be so illegal. Everybody would be flying off roads. They kind of flop sideways when you take a hard left or a right. Double Ds dragging on the gravel and just breaking open. Oh, my God.

I think we all started a business. Right. Yeah. This gave me 25%. started a business. Right. Yeah. This gave me 25%. Whoa. Absolutely. That's true. I don't think you got your math right.

No. No, we just, we need somebody to make them for us. Anyway, Eric. Yes, sir. What's the thing, what's more things that you miss, that you don't see here? I miss my guns. I miss hunting, fishing.

What's the biggest living thing that you ever killed? A deer. What was his name? Bambi. That's how funny that line is. You can say it anywhere and it doesn't even make sense. You killed a deer. Did you eat it?

Of course. I ain't wasting a shell on something I ain't eating. You see the price of ammo? No, I haven't. I thought truck nuts was a snack. Probably is. There probably is some kind of... You're talking about those hard kernel things.

We got some entrepreneurs up here, man. We own some. There you go. I don't believe you're really from the South now. You want to see my ID? No, but you just said entrepreneur. The whole thing is an act. I'm on team Greg.

I think it's an all-in act. I think it's like Larry the Cable Guy No no no I am not Larry the Cable Guy or Foxworthy I'm sorry I don't mean to get testy over that but every time I go to Mike I always hear oh you're like Larry the Cable Guy

no I am not he's from the fucking Midwest he's not even a damn southerner I'm 6th generation Mississippi there you go in the fucking Midwest. He's not even a damn southerner. Right. I'm sixth generation Mississippi. There you go. Wow. Eric, I don't think you understand how show business works.

Larry the Cable Guy is not from the South, but he makes all that money because he does jokes. Nobody's ever watching the down South comedy. People are like, well, this guy's hilarious, but how many generations is he exactly? Right. And also, a generation in Mississippi, six of them,

that's just a weekend and a keg, right? And you're all related? That's within ten years, right? Right. Eric, it was fun talking to you again. Have fun. Thank you. Matt, you got something? I love the, it was fun talking to you again. Have fun. Thank you. Matt, you got something?

I love the crystal meth joke with the six chins. I like it with six years and the six chins. That's a solid bit, man. Thank you. Yeah. There you go. It's a good joke. Good job, man.

Excellent. Yeah. Eric Carter. Yeah, keep it up, man. Shaking hands. Bam! Nobody else for the rest of the show. Please do that.

That is not a thing that we do here. He's a southern gentleman. I like to keep my friends' hands clean. Eric Carter, I don't trust those hands. There he goes, everybody. Sorry, I let my OCD co-host for a second there. I'm sick as a dog. He just fucked himself. Yeah, probably. He's sick. I don't know. It seems like he's immune to everything

Willie what you think about Eric Carter you're from the south One more time for Eric Carter. There he goes. Killing it, Eric. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I pledge allegiance. My dick is like a dildo. Green.

Whoa, we saw this guy a couple weeks ago. Wow, I'm so excited. This bucket is magical sometimes. I've seen him only one time before. He blew me away. That was about two weeks ago. He's back here again. Put your hands together for Michael Perkinson, everybody.

Thank you. That's my skin flute Oh goodness gracious Goodness gracious Well hey guys I jerked off today First time I jerked off in eight days Guys Guys you ever jerk off When you're about to bust your load

They zoom in on the penis, and you're like, oh, fuck, I'm gay. You know, ladies, you ever been jerking off, and they zoom in on the penis, and you're like, oh, fuck, I'm gay. God, man. First time in eight days. First time in eight days, man.

It was like a champagne cork, you know? It was like... You know? It was like... You know? It was like feeling like a porn star, except it didn't come out in beats. It just kind of threw up. It was like... That was...

Hey, I'm fucking... Hey, Iron Patriot. When I was a kid, my dad... There you go. A classic... A classic Hey iron patriot. You always know you're a little off kilter when that line comes out.

Hey, guys. Michael, I love you. I love your... Look at you. Look at you. You're just a big baby, aren't you? I love your style. You're like the happiest guy.

I got a little dick, man. I got a little dick. All right, take it easy. If I tried to ass fuck a chick, it would never even get in there, but I'd still get off, you know? All right, save this. Can I just say this?

If we're going to talk about your looks, get up, get up. No! Don't do that. Michael, stand up. It's too far. You have Kenny Lyon's hair on your already terrible shirt. Your shirt's bad, Don't do that. Michael, stand up. It's too far. You have Kenny Lyon's hair on your already terrible shirt.

Your shirt's bad, but just in general, you look like, and don't take this in the wrong way, you look like you have toupee fake teeth and fake glasses, but they're all real. Isn't that odd? You're absolutely dead on. I got a bush that's so thick that if I put glasses on my dick, it would look Jewish. Stop. Stop.

What was the beat for? I told him a couple weeks ago, I told him that he looks like a giant lesbian. Did you, like, freshly wrinkle that shirt for tonight? I mean, I figure if you tried, it wouldn't be that fresh of a wrinkle. I use this shirt as my cum rag when I jerk off. All right, I see what you're doing. Michael, you have such a great energy that you have to let that shine,

not the thoughts that are in your head. With a look like yours. Let me tell you something. Because I don't get this privilege because I look like a villain. All right? No, you don't. No, you don't.

You look like... And for me to get laughs, what I say has to be funny. Now, you on the other hand... You look like... You just settle down. Settle down. Now, you look like the white Kim Jong-un.

The whole attire, it just looks like we're back in the 80s comedy store days. The guy that just rolled in after a Coke binge. He was like, I'm up. Michael, sit down. Stay a while. I'm here. What's your take, guys, on the man on stage in flip-flops?

What's your reaction? You know what my take is. You want to fuck me, don't you? Kim Jong-un acceptable. That's what I say about that. He looks like the Campbell Soup Boy grew up, doesn't he? Hey, Red Band. Hey, Red Band, where's Method Band?

All right, you got to stop. Michael, just keep smiling. This is what I'm telling you. You can't talk. People like you end up just saying what people like me write for you. That's your only chance. Right, right. A lot of times you'll tell a comedian, just be yourself.

You have to try to be a different self. Michael. I love everything you're doing. Give Michael his microphone back. Be careful. He's a big baby. I like everything he does. I like everything he does. Every time I watch him,

I love it. I want more. I want to watch five minutes he does. Every time I watch him, I love it. So I want more. I want to watch five minutes of him. Do you really? I do. Yeah. Cool, man. I love you. I just have to roast you because you're a pig.

You look like... Oh, Jesus. Here we go. You look like a fatter... Remember Pat from SNL? Oh! You look like a fatter... Remember Pat from SNL? Oh! You look like... I can't win.

You look like Steve-O from Jackass except you have hair and a vagina. What is that, a compliment? You look like that one ugly guy except that one thing wasn't ugly about him. You really burned me on that one thing wasn't ugly about him. You really burned me on that one.

Adrian's so sad. Wait, come here for one sec. I want to see your arm. How long of a set did you think you were doing tonight? He has like the Declaration of Independence on his forearm. I thought that was a tattoo. I rubbed my jokes

down my arm. Yeah, we got that. We noticed that. I thought that was a tattoo. I rubbed my jokes down my arm. Yeah. All right. Wow. Yeah, we got that. Well, we noticed that. Maybe you shouldn't have jerked off on it so much. Does that say Not Penny's Boat? What the fuck?

It says Skittles. All right. Michael Perkinson. It says here that your Twitter's at Bob Saget, but you're not Bob Saget. Bob Saget's my Twitter handle. I got it early. Come get it hot. Come get it hot.

Finally, a fucking laugh. God damn it. Are you serious? You guys are killing me here. I'm just floundering in front of everybody. Come on. Nobody? Nothing?

You're taking too many chances, Michael. You are a big guy. Yeah, you're more like a tuna than a flounder. All right. Okay, sure. I guess so. Michael Perkinson, everybody. Burnt my glasses.

Thank you. Jesus, got very excited. All right. Good dismount. Sometimes we just move on. Well, it went handshake, handshake, bear maul. Right, exactly. Spray glasses.

Sometimes these guys, they get a little excited. Yeah. Greg, something I always ask guests their first time on the show is, is there anything that you did when you very first started doing comedy that you can't believe that you did, like, that's sort of maybe embarrassing or, you know, or something that you regret doing? I think I told a lot of fat chick jokes.

I was in college and I was very much like, I had a mullet and I used to drink a lot and I used to tell jokes about fat chicks and get blowjacked. I was definitely a different person before I quit drinking. I'm not embarrassed by that guy,

but I'm really glad there's no videotape of what I did. Yeah. And I know, like, I started with Rogan, and he remembers it, but he doesn't have the bad memories. I don't know that he saw me in the first few months. It was really fucking, really bad. Wow. It was like a lot of, you know,

just cockiness without any fucking comedy. Do you remember any of the lines or anything? Because it's not on video, but let's change that. Let's get it now. I think it was like, I want to fuck a 10, but I usually end up as just like a number four, and then I would stand there like I was jerking off because that looks like a number four.

Right, that's funny. I like that. But they didn't. Right. They got it. That was the old me. That's funny. The new me will be doing that same joke

on Thursday night downstairs. Matt, have I asked you that? Have I asked you that while you've been on the show before? I don't remember. Okay, well then what would be your answer? Oh, I just, yeah, I do fat jokes, but more about myself. Because I was heavier and I had hair like this long. And I had a beard at the time.

And I remember my fucking worst joke ever. My joke was, I know what you're thinking. Christ the Lord really let himself go, but it's not my fault. I eat one loaf of bread, it becomes five. But it's like, who eats a fucking whole loaf of bread? Wow. Did you consider doing one slice of bread?

See? Where were you? Where were you? I was telling fat jokes. That's amazing. You guys could have helped each other since you made a lot of jokes about fat chicks and Bronger was talking about himself. Right.

You could have been like my fat chick. That's a shot put callback from earlier. It is. Remember that? Shot put? I was a fat girl. Well, you know, this is just the fucking random luck of the bucket again.

You're never going to believe this. Put your hands together for Kenny Lyon, everybody. He's back. He earned it. Kenny Lyon just got pulled out of the bucket. He's not coming,

and you know what that means. He just got blacklisted, everybody. Oh, what? Wait, wait, wait. Where is somebody? Oh, wait, here he comes. Oh, my God. Holy shit.

Still no shirt for some fucking reason. Oh, he's still getting his hair cut. It's all over his face. Oh, my God. Guys, give it up for Kenny Lyons. It's unbelievable. The time starts.

It's already started, dumbass. I don't own a ruler. My life has no rules. I put five quarters in the bus machine. The bus say it was at hold up. You are missing 50 cent. I kept walking. No ma'am, I miss Tupac.

I lost my girlfriend Ruth. Now I'm ruthless. Book me. Kenny Lyon stop man you have hair all over you get the fuck back everybody stop doing that stop trying to give us fist bumps because we look like we're bad guys if we don't do it

so we have to do it so just don't do it damn a lot of sexual tension in the room, I guess. That has nothing to do with sex. Kenny, quick question. Are you Asian or Latino?

I am Guatemalan. You're Guatemalan, so a little of both. The bottom of those barrels. Now, why do you know, why are your nipples at the same height as your belly button? That is a great question.

Holy shit, it looks like Domo or something. You know that reference? That fucking square cartoon thing? His chest does look anime. If you just look at his two nipples and the mouth, it looks like a piece of toast or something,

like a cartoon. Yeah, it does. All right, stop, Kenny. Kenny, stop everything you're doing. He kind of looks like a monk, right? Yeah. He does look like a monk. Most negative monk of all time.

Kenny, do you have a joke that when you're when you're doing shit outside of the comedy story? You know like when you're doing shows and stuff. Do you have a joke? That's you like your favorite joke to perform like like Yuri Jesus I have two brothers molested me promised me a gameboy never got it Wow, that's an interesting one because that's one of those Blessed me. Promised me a Game Boy. Never got it. Wow. That's an interesting one because that's one of those magic tricks. Did you ask him for a horribly sad story? I didn't know.

I think I heard you wrong, Red Band. Yeah. Say something cripplingly depressing. I have nothing. Good. That's your go-to joke, huh? Shout out to the professor, Eric Marino. You guys can come here to the show.

Go, Mike. Sunday nights, 1030, this room. He taught me, if the room's not filling you, say whatever you want. Oh. If the room's not filling you? Feeling. Oh, feeling. Oh's not filling you? Feeling. Oh, feeling. Oh, I thought he said feeling.

That's my Guatemalan accent, I guess. Okay. Fuck yeah, Kenny. Well, you went for it tonight. Was that a ghost? You landed some blows. Now, you were going to do one joke. Is that something you've been working on,

is do a joke and then put the mic in the mic stand like that could possibly be enough to impress us? You think that people just will see that and be like, whoa, he must have been awesome. I think that's a polite way to drop the mic. Tony, I've been grinding every motherfucking day in these streets, man. I love it, Kenny. I love it.

You think I let everybody get a haircut on my fucking man. I love it, Kenny. I love it. You think I let everybody get a haircut on my fucking live podcast? I love you, dude. I come to this comedy store and I get accepted by Tony Hinchcliffe, Red Band. I love these dudes. Pat Reagan accepts you. I love Willie Hunter, man. Willie's having a seizure right now, by the way.

What is happening? Hey, by the way, your hair looks way better right now. I can't wait to see... The improvement we saw in Tony Lyon. Guy had a rotten fucking dreadlock on the top of his head. Now get rid of the 12-year-old Mexican female mustache.

Damn! Yeah. And maybe instead of grinding so hard at stand-up, do a sit-up or a push-up once. Take one spot off and fix it. It's not your arm we're worried about. Greg had a great point earlier. I don't know if your nipples are low

or your belly button's high, but something's wrong there. I think you have low nipples. I got molested. You do? Oh, you know what? That is right. His nipples are really low. It's not his... Were your nipples sewn back on at one point?

I don't know. He's also like a lot of guys, what do you call it? Hanging, when you're hanging your pants. But then usually the pants bunch up at the bottom. His were made to hang. Yeah. Like your ass crack, there's no definition between your lower back and your cheek.

So it's just like a weird kind of a, it's a flow. And there's hair from when you shaved your head. The overall effect is really nauseating. Very true. Very true. Very true. It's because I'm Guatemalan. Kenny, how do you feel post haircut? You know what? My mom was saying either I get my haircut or I get kicked out the house.

It's like I'm going to do it on Kill Tony, nigga! Whoa. Jesus Christ, Kenny. This is MLK day. Now you're really pissed off, Iron Patriot. Can I shoot him with a water hose? Come on.

There he is. Maybe your mom should have kicked you out of the house before your brothers elected you. She did. She did. I've been homeless. I grinded, man. You stepped on my punchline.

I'm sorry. That's comedy 101. Where does mom live? I live in South Central LA, Avalon and Manchester. Wow. I get chased by dogs every fucking morning. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

Perfect. South Central, see, that's where you were born and raised. Yeah, I got to take the 4 right there on Santa Monica. Okay, we don't need fucking directions. We're not going there. Jesus Christ. So you are born and raised South Central. No, we don't need fucking directions. We're not going there. Jesus Christ. So you are born and raised South Central and now you... No, no, no, no, no. I'm born and raised

Hollywood. I went to Hollywood High, barely graduated, and... I bet. Wow. That's a shock. So if we want to find you, just look for the dogs. In South Central. And you're pretty close. So how long have you lived in South Central?

Just from July, when I came back from New York. I grinded New York, too, son! All right, we all work hard, Kenny. You get it. It's fucking unbelievable. It's fucking stand-up comedy. You're talking about grinding, like you're building houses with your bare hands or something.

You're fucking waiting in lines, having a coffee, having a drink, and then it's the end of the night again. You get stoned to the gills. Every time I see you, you're just in the back of the comedy store smoking pot. Damn! So the only thing I've seen you grind is a bunch of weed, so... Maybe that's what he meant, Tony.

Maybe if you were grinding hardy, you wouldn't have to move to the worst neighborhood in Los Angeles. Yeah. What? What the fuck is that? It's true. It's not a good neighborhood. It's true.

Oh, shit. That's your ride. No, it's okay, Greg. Come back. It's okay. No. Kenny, what's the craziest thing you've seen in South Central? Dead dogs, dead cats. Dead dogs, dead cats.

That's pretty crazy. What are you, at the South Central Zoo? What are you talking about? I didn't know that's what they were known for. I wish you would just casually mention he was a veterinarian just right now. Oh, did I say that? I'm a vet. Oh.

What's that? I put down vet. Oh. I put down three dogs today. One dog caught up to me. I was skating real hard. Bit my ass. I've been molested. My ass has been through enough. Oh no, it doesn't work if you do that either. That doesn't just erase our memory of what you said.

The bup-pup pow only works when magicians do it. And they have a whole trick behind them that happened when they do that. But I would see the magician that was like, hi, I was molested. Like a rabbit come out of a hat. Like, why did you share that?

That would crush. That's so strange. That would crush. You learned the art of magic. Is this your card? My brothers made my self-esteem disappear. So dead dogs and dead cats is the craziest thing that you've seen in South Central. How come I never hear these in any of the rap songs?

I've never heard that before. You'll never hear that in a Pat Regan song Hey That doesn't make any sense You would if it was well written Around it Kenny why do you hate Pat Regan Dude cause that dude talks about

Sucking dick and that dude's never sucked a dick Or like never like You know it's just fucking lame dude that was a fake you're a fake you're a fucking fake no he's not a fake he's an artist kenny it's all it's all creative every white person knows how to play an instrument you got it Wow. Wow. Wow. What did you just say? I'm sorry, dude.

You said what about every instrument? I said, kill Tony. Monday nights, here, at the Belly Room. They're here. Kenny, they know. They're here right now. A promo doesn't work when they're already there. This is live. It's happening right now.

He's talking about the internet guys listening, guys. Come on. Give him a break. He was trying to help out the show. There you go. You figured it out for him. Kenny's defense attorney, Brian Redman. You know how uncomfortable it is to do comedy when you got a new haircut?

Big compete. He's very self-conscious about himself. He didn't have a chance to put on his shirt because he was getting a haircut. Have you ever done comedy with your hair? Dude, I get naked. You've seen me naked. I like to get naked. Oh, there you go. Truth's coming out.

What? Holy shit. Making some trips to South Central, eh? Jesus. Are you the one that's been running over all these dogs and cats on your way there? No. We just go and arrange them. Pile of dogs.

No, I get naked for when Don Barris, the great Don Barris. You know, I love Don Barris, dude. Ding Dong Show is going to be going on after this show. I suggest that every single one of you. Kenny, what are you, the fucking commercials? Stop what you're doing. You're done. Go finish your haircut. Take a shower.

Love you guys. Book me. Guys, get up for Kenny Lyons. Kenny fucking Lyons. I just wanted to wipe him off with a towel so bad. It's real. What you see is real. That's a real guy that was just getting his hair cut. Those are some real dark nipples, too.

Really weird nipples. Dark, weird nipples. Those were some creepy, low nipples. Yeah. Like, if those nipples, if his chest was a map, those nipples would be south of the equator. Yes. Yeah, there'd be penguins on them.

Yeah. Kill Tony. Who would have thought that we'd get to see creepy nipples here tonight? Tony. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Matthew Broussard. Here he is.

Hi, everybody. It's nice to be here. I look like a douchebag. That's not really like a joke. I just want to make sure you know that I know. I'm aware. I've seen mirrors. So I watch a lot of comedy and I watch a lot of people do like there's a

lot of bad things going on in the news and comedians will write jokes about controversial subjects that are funny but also poignant and I realize I can't do that like I'm too privileged to have an opinion you know what I mean like I feel like I don't know I can't just come up here be like okay here's what black people are doing wrong it's like whoa they're boat shoes no no no no no no you don't get to have a bold just come up here and be like, okay, here's what black people are doing wrong. It's like, whoa, they're boat shoes. No, no, no, no, no. No, you don't get to have a bold stance on race and the keys to your parents' lake house. That's not allowed. I just feel like, not even just in comedy,

but I feel like just in conversation, like when these subjects come up, I can't even take a side. I just have to respond with vague platitudes. People are like, Broussard, what do you think of the whole Ferguson thing? It's like, honestly, I feel like Continuum was my favorite John Mayer album.

That's all I got. That's exactly a minute from Matthew Broussard. God damn it. Who I know. I've been working with Matthew for years now. You signed up tonight, which is awesome. And you've been on TV and stuff.

Adam Devine's house party and things like that. And it's fun that you'd sign up. What made you sign up? It's the stage. The chance to go up. I fucking love it. Thank you. Thank you for letting me come up.

Have you guys taken a shower together? Why is every... Does your brain only think about penises touching? Like, what the fuck happened to you? Answer the question, Tony. I talked to every... Did you guys dock up or what? It was the South Beach Comedy Fest 2013.

When in Rome. I knew it. When in Rome. There was only one shower in Miami, so... I thought it was a bathtub. Oh. Oh. Butt to butt?

Talk to me about the... We were both laying down. About the quaffing of the hair. What's involved? Are there lotions? Today, it's chlorine and olive oil. I swam this morning and then I got out of the pool.

There's a lot of chlorine in it and then I put olive oil on my face after I got out of the pool and then I got my hair and made it greasy. And then it just does this amazing thing on its own. I don't even control it. Olive oil on your face? Is that something you learned in New England or something? That just handsome

college men do that I never knew about? I'm from the South, actually. But I get Connecticut a lot, and it's very flattering. It's a nice place. You said you look like a douchebag. But when you describe it, like the olive oil and the chlorine, it really is a whole other level of douchebag. Well, this is olive oil and chlorine.

What a dick. I mean, holy shit. We all ate. Unbelievable. We all just feel like a fucking bunch of shit. I will never shower with you again, Matthew Broussard. And also that false sense of like, how did it get like this today? Oh, I swam. Did I swim? Did It did. I don't know if I swam

Actually CrossFit today On the stool and suck your own dick already CrossFit olive oil, you you know I can do that? Are you serious? I'm serious. Shameless plug, I'm on the current season of Guy Code and we did a panel thing and I admitted on national television that I did it once when I was

15. Did what? Did you get lips around it? Yeah, I can get like two inches in. Jesus Christ. What'd you do with the other inch? Not, here's the thing. Was that the actual moment you fell totally in love with yourself?

Was that when it started? Was that the actual moment? What are the odds that I tell you to suck your own dick and you're like, I can actually do that? I love it. All I need is a little olive oil. Can we cue Some Guys Have All the Luck

by Rod Stewart right now? Figures the guy that needs to do it himself less than anybody else in the room. Right. So I'd imagine that this is something that you do once in a great while. Just one time. One time ever. It was very unpleasant. I can't say this line is mine.

I read this on Reddit. Someone described it as, it feels more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. And that is very spot on. Interesting. That's actually true. Yeah, I would imagine that it really would be. I would like some feedback on my jokes, but this is... You just got a menu thrown at you from the great Byron Bowers.

What's wrong with Byron? Free answer for Byron Bowers, everybody. One of my favorite comedians. Hey, Byron, can you suck your own dick? Hell fuck no. Come on. But, Byron, if you could, you would try it. Fun fact.

Yeah! You got to try it once. Once. Once. I did it once. Yeah, you got to try it once Once Once, I did it once I took a completion, I was just like, oh this is weird Look at it sideways Fun fact Little fun fact

It's in the Bible Is that what he said? Fuck, I love Byron He's amazing It's in the Bible. Is that what he said? Fuck, I love Byron. He's amazing. It's in the Bible. Not only can Matthew suck his own dick, but he could also suck Byron Bowers' dick from where he's sitting right now

if Byron actually pulled it out. That's what I did there. That's a Byron has a huge dick joke that didn't go good. So is masturbation, does that feel like you're jerking off another guy? Because for me, if I masturbate while

I'm jerking off a guy, it feels totally different. The two dicks. I can tell which is which. Do you ever let your hand go to sleep and then jerk off a guy? Oh, fuck yeah. But first I put on a satin glove and a wedding ring. So the one time that you did it, how long did you do it for?

12 seconds. You know what they say. You come fast. I know me. It's true love, dude. Right, right. Fuck yeah. What other crazy

talents do you have? You can suck your own dick. I'm not that flexible, so I feel like a lot of people must do it and hide it. This is a way of bragging, by the way, guys. What do you mean you're not that flexible? Are you trying to tell this crowd

that you have a 35-inch penis? That you just pull it out and lick it and rub it on your face like this? Wiping his face off. Like there's actually no bending involved. I'm not even that fucking flexible, man. I mean, you know, I just pull it out, you know, rub my head on it, wake it up, and just fucking finish it off. Just like any guy who's here.

When it's cold, I wrap it around my neck like a scarf. Yeah. You know, it's tough being Matthew wrap it around my neck like a scarf. It's tough being Matthew Broussard. So nestly and warm. I think I'm a hero right now. A lot of people listen to this podcast. A lot, right? Tens of thousands? Just keep going, Matthew.

I feel like some kid's going to hear this in Iowa and he's going to be like, I'm not alone. There's someone else out there and he's brave enough to admit it. Look, I've talked about this before on podcasts. I can actually kiss my own dick, just the tip of it. Really? But immediately, it was stupid.

It was like, why am I doing this? It had zero pleasure. It's like kissing your elbow or something. People can do this, but you can wrap your mouth around it, which I can't. I could just kiss it or put it on my cheek or something. But, just tell it good morning. Right.

So let me ask you this. Your choice of the word kiss is so interesting to me. No. You could say I could get my lips around, but you're just like, I'm just picturing. I mean, kiss with my tongue. Yeah, French kiss. So what position are you in when you suck your own dick?

Are you on your back, legs over the head? Sitting on the ground. Indian style? Like, what are we talking about here? You tell me. Don't think about it. You said that you did it. Oh, don't tell me you can't remember.

It was 11 years ago. I mean. Oh, I just, you know, that one time I sucked my own dick. I completely forget about it because I'm so straight. I'd have to find the painting the guy did of it. It's on my wall. If I could suck my own dick. Lying on the floor, legs over my head, looking up at the mirror on the ceiling.

Wow. That would be my head shot. At Studio 54. What's the truth? What's the real answer? I was sitting on the ground. You were sitting on the ground? I don't think you have to.

In your bedroom? In a bathroom. Whose bathroom was it? The guest bathroom. Of where? My parents' house. I was 15. In the servants' quarters. Out on old Cape Cod.

So you're sitting there. How are you sitting? Indian style? No, just legs out in front of me, I think. So you're just sitting there. You have to grab the back of your car. Straight out. And your back is straight.

How do you do it? I was in my bed, and I put my legs, like I pretty much just go into a ball. Stop, stop. You're doing it. You're knocking over things. Yeah, like that. I can do it standing, I think. Oh, I can't do it standing, stop. You're doing it. You're knocking over things. I can do it standing, I think.

You can do it standing? Yeah. Guys, who wants to see him suck his own dick? I mean, it's been a hell of a show so far. Alright, so show us how you would do it. Whoa! Jesus. Holy fucking shit.

Oh my god. Congratulations. Sucking dick for Twitter followers. I love it. Just happened. Oh my god. You can puke on your own dick. Oh, that's the other thing I can do. I can throw up on command.

You can what? I can throw up on command. I'm missing a muscle in my stomach that gives me acid reflux, but I can just kind of throw up. No, puke on. No, don't. I could have done it. I could have done it. What do you mean? Where were you going to puke just now?

Well. on the stage Only way I could make myself throw up is if I stuck my dick in my own I See that's weird I can only throw up by eating my own ass. That's the only way I can See, that's weird. I can only throw up by eating my own ass. That's the only way I can. Holy fucking shit. When have you used the throwing up thing to your advantage?

I never did it to get out of school. Because, I don't know. It'd just be weird. But it's nice if I've drank too much. Honestly, it's nice if I've drank. I took a couple shots extra. And there's been nights where it's just like, oh, I don't want to get that drunk So I could just throw it all up and then I did it in like I Was like on the football team my freshman year and I would just do it too

I was new I was new and I just threw up like to impress the kids I was I can do it like do it and they always like Broussard do it. It was my only way of fitting in Wow, you played football. No, I never really played. It'd take you more of a lacrosse type of guy. Did you get along with Mr. Belding? Did you guys ever make up? Just to save the bell reference. You played freshman year.

Was that varsity, I assume? No, I was JV. I don't know anything about football to this day. It was just my attempt to fit in. I don't think I got on the field at all. What did you end up doing that my attempt to fit in. I don't think I got on the field at all. What did you end up doing that got you to fit in with people? I didn't really...

I didn't do... I know you don't believe me, but I didn't really have that many friends in high school. No, I believe you. I was solitary. I enjoyed my own company. Yeah. Hey, who do you guys want to have lunch with

Bill's got weed Jerry's got a 69 Camaro and oh hey what's your name again Matthew Matthew can suck his own dick I don't know

let's let Matthew eat by himself since that's what he's used to fucking love it Willie what do you think about this guy he can suck his own dick.

That's impressive. Have you ever fucked yourself? No. I figured that would be the next round. Just a couple yoga classes away from that. And when you said you were not that flexible, who are you comparing yourself to? If I go to a yoga class, there's girls doing

moves that I can't do. Oh, whatever, dude. You just showed us pretty much something I've never seen before. Yeah. Like, you could go deep in your mouth. Yeah. You're way more flexible than... You're like a fucking lawn chair or something. Yeah.

You just fold it right up. Human futon, yeah. Yeah. Well, fun times. Wow. Can you imagine if you were such a man that you're blowing yourself

and you can't even stop yourself from coming in your own mouth? You even trick yourself. It's a not... You know what I mean? Because normally, you'll lie. She'll be like, tell me when you're going to come. And you don't. But you're such a dude that you

don't even tell yourself. And you come in your own mouth and then you yell at yourself. Then you punch yourself in the eye. Punch yourself in the eye. How dare you. Do you like drink pineapple juice just to treat yourself on weekends or something like that? You must have washed the shit out of your asshole.

Did you clean your ass really good before you went down there? A little Axe body spray on the old brown eye? Tell us something else douchey about you. One more douchey thing. Pretty much just tell us anything else about you. Anything at all. Do you have big areolas? kinda are they low hanging?

his weren't just low they were wide they were like in his armpit and his torso just looked like a sad face it was like he was wearing his older brother's skin. Oh, my God. Holy shit.

That's exactly what it looked like. Any dead dogs or dead cats in your neighborhood, Matthew? Where do you live? I bet it's a nice neighborhood. Have you ever killed a bird? Have I ever killed a bird? Tell the truth. No.

Talk into the microphone. I've never killed a bird, no. Interesting. Have you ever wanted to run for office of any kind? Should I? I think that's over now. Yeah. Should I?

I think that's over now. No, you could make a good campaign slogan out of that. You need a congressman that'll suck his own dick for what you need. I keep myself satisfied for my constituents. I will finish in my own mouth. He doesn't take favors from anyone except for himself.

I support the gay community because I understand it very well. You know, when I see the things that my opponent has been saying about me, it makes me throw up. On my own dick. What? Olive oil my hair. What? Olive oil in my hair. What's that, Brian? I didn't catch it. What did you say? The microphone just committed suicide.

Nothing. I stumbled. Yeah, I think you'd be a great congressman, Matthew. You'd look like a Kennedy. I'll take it. Can I ask you this and be honest with me? How many women have you had sex with? Over 100?

No, 22. 22? Yeah. Wow. That shows restraint. What? Thank you. The fact that you have that number immediately available,

that's pretty fucking psychotic right there. He means this month. Let's go. Do people, I feel like guys do, have you ever sat down and written down a list? No. To keep count? No?

A spreadsheet or nothing? It's like a girl thing, man. No! Yeah! I like numbers and math. And sparkle tags. That's true. Very good. Wisdom from Byron Bowers.

Only the ones that you could have caught something from. Only raw sex is what... But I have the feeling that Matthew even uses a condom with himself. Right. You keep it safe, right? Yeah. What's the craziest thing you've ever done?

Admitting to sucking my dick. I think you're right. Matthew Broussard, everybody. There he goes. Anything you want to promote, Matthew? Anything other than your Twitter? Anything other than your Twitter you got coming up? Oh, yeah.

Check out my Twitter. It's at Monday Punday. But I have a website called mondaypunday.com. It's puzzles. They're really fun. You should go check them out. There you go. Matthew Broussard.

Monday Punday on Twitter. mondaypunday.com. He can suck his own dick. You just reallyay on Twitter. Mondaypunday.com. He can suck his own dick. You just really can't beat that. That's amazing. Oh, God. That was crazy. I didn't think anyone could bend that far.

No, that was crazy. I've never seen somebody bend that far. Yeah. We are at the part of our show where our two amazing regulars... We can do one more, actually. It's only 9.24. Let's do it. Squeeze one more in. One quick one. Might have to keep it quick yeah let's do it alex dwong everybody alex dwong there he is good news guys i'm crushing the even. Even with the braces. Ladies, let me know, all right?

Because I go downtown. But again, shave, because I got the braces, all right? Not trying to get you stuck in there. Just, oh, that's sentimental value. I'll keep you there all day long so I can think about you. It's happened recently. And then I woke up next to the girl and she was like, you're my first Asian. And I was like, there's 8 million of us. You're statistically failing,

boo. Dang, come on. But I have been a lot of girls' first Asian guys. And it's been nice because I feel like the ambassador to the great dick of China. I'm like, oh, these are our cultures. These are import-exports and the dick. I've been enough girls versus Asian guy that I feel like I can call my penis the United Dick of Benetton. Soft landing. I'll take it. Alright, guys.

Your face looks like Kenny Lyon's body. Oh my god. And your eyes are the low hanging nipples. They're spread apart. You can clearly see. Kenny, are you around? Come back up. Take your

fucking shirt off. He's gone. Anyway, those are some real braces huh they are they come off in a couple weeks holy fucking shit what made you get braces so late in life I don't know just I'm an actor too so I was like I needed they were a little crooked and I'm OCD so I was like I gotta get them while they're hot. So you're OCD and MSG? Is that what it is? I could have said that differently, but I think people got it.

I like the pubic hair joke. You could even reference the flavor saver and all the other gross things that have to do with keeping the girl for later, where you smell your little hand while you're driving. All right, I think the braces are coming off in two weeks. I think it's time to move on to just you have an ugly face material.

If you're going to make fun of yourself, you just got to go for it. You look like the guy that takes your money when you go to the massage place. Yeah. You're the guy at the front desk next to the neon foot. And you look like a client. You're the guy at the front desk next to the neon foot.

And you look like a client. You're the sad start before the happy ending. Fuck yeah. When those braces come off, you're going to have to talk about your giant teeth. Although you have really big lips though. You have nice sensual lips.

You could stick around cock, can't you? What's a crazy thing that you can do that we wouldn't believe that you could do? I can drive really well. That's not bad. Bing bong. Bing bong. Bing bong. I said bing bong.

You're the one with the MSG joke. Oh, come on. Bing bong is just as racist as bing bong. Alright, maybe not. So you've never had a traffic accident? I've been... Yes, he's definitely had it.

That must suck when you're Asian and you get into a traffic accident. Just the look on the person's face. I knew it. I knew it. It had to have been... No, I used to race cars in Texas. You went from the braces to the braces?

You fucking moron. Look, you took a swing at it, don't you? Yeah, totally. What's the coolest thing about you, Alex? He raced cars in Texas. That's pretty cool, man. The joke's actually real. You could always tell which race car driver was Alex

because he was the only one going the other direction. Do you do jokes about driving a race car in Texas? No, I don't. Maybe that's some idea I missed don't maybe that's some yeah yeah yeah the one thing that you did in your life that's cool yeah you should probably talk about that Alex let's see where's that list of cool shit I can instead of instead of grinding out jokes that are about your braces that are coming off in two weeks. So they will have no lifespan. I used to have braces.

I'm just milking it for what I got. I'm just trying to get it out there. Sometimes pubes would get stuck between the braces and that was uncomfortable. So sometimes I would have a hair stuck in these braces. It's a visual piece. And until the hair was out of the braces

there was really hair in my braces. And until the hair was out of the braces, there was really, it was like there was hair in my braces. And then I killed 47 people racing cars and I had to quit and start comedy in Los Angeles. Went down on a girl in a race car once. That was a story. You know, like something like that. I had these braces.

He's going to be bombing one night in like a year. He's going to fucking pull the braces out of his pocket and slap them back on. Do the classics. Be a prop comic. Brace yourself. That's the album. Yeah.

Nice. Okay. All right. Alex, we got to fly. Thank you, Alex Duong. Right on. Good job. He's on Twitter at Dapper Duong.

We're at the part of our show where our two regulars, there's two young ladies that write a brand new minute every single week on this show and perform it. They've been doing it since the start of the entire show. This is like their 90th time pretty much doing this. It's always exciting and fun to watch them grow. Put your hands together for your first regular tonight. She dropped out of the University of Florida her senior year

after trying stand-up comedy here on Kill Tony. She's been going up pretty much every night since. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon. Hey, guys. The guy that I'm seeing now said that he wanted to be friends with benefits, and I was really excited about that because I've never had 401K before. Thank you. I know I have trust issues because I always accuse my boyfriend of cheating on me,

and I don't have a boyfriend. All right. I hate people that get attached. Like the guy I'm fucking right now is super obsessed with his girlfriend. I think life's not fair sometimes. Like, a guy can play with my hair, and it's really cute. And if I start doing the same thing, it's voodoo.

That's it. That's funny. Are these four different guys in each joke that you're talking about? Are these all the same guy? I know. It didn't really make sense. There's a way to tie that all together. Yeah.

Of course, by not resetting every time. You know? Felt like there was four different guys. There's another guy who I'm dating. You know? Describe him. He's red-headed. You could take the Alex Duong approach and just talk about the pube in your braces.

Kim, when you do more than a minute, do you actually have three to five minute bits? Like long stories? Yeah, because those were all pretty decent, but it was all very familiar, and it was very set up knockout set up knockout i just wonder do you do you ever take those and like those like your best ones and make them tags for longer jokes or you do yeah i do yeah that'd be a pretty critical part of everything yeah i didn't

know if you just did that for five minutes you know when i come up here and do the 60 seconds i just like to take as much setup punchline with me instead of story because I feel like I'm not that good at the storyteller where I can tell a good one in 60 seconds. I feel like. I like the premise

of the friends with benefits thing. I was thinking like what if you said I want a guy I'm dating a guy but I really just want friends with benefits

but he's black so that would mean I'd end up with Obamacare. That's hilarious. There you go. Wrap that up at the gift shop. It's all yours. Oh, yeah.

The attachment joke was amazing. That's a really solid joke. Which one was that? I hate when people get attached. The guy's just fucking obsessed with his girlfriend. Obsessed with his girlfriend, yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Like, you just don't have to, you know, you could just go into the next thing. Right. It's important that if you're talking about a guy that you're dating or a guy or whatever, just to keep it on it and tag it. Yeah. And don't be afraid to do less than a minute.

You know what I mean? Don't reset it just to fill it up because that could be like crushing laughs and you're breaking it up by resetting every time yeah exactly because all those jokes seem like you could easily made it have made that one minute and but it seems like every time you're like blah blah blah next joke blah blah blah next joke jokes instead of yes exactly do you only look at your notes if you bring your notes up with you yeah yeah that's that's a bad habit yeah I used to do that And then I realized that it's just better to try to really not to.

Unless you just want to fall back on that. No, it's always worse when I bring them up. Have you thought about writing them on your arm? Right. I don't know where I got that from. Maybe the idea just came to me. Well, there you go. You did it again. Another great minute from Kimberly Congdon. That was great. Great job. Maybe the idea just came to me. Well, there you go.

You did it again. Another great minute from Kimberly Congdon. That was great. Great job. Kimberly Congdon is Kimberly Congdon on Twitter, Instagram, everything. Always fun. Our other regular. Put your hands together for a regular on this show, regular on Dysentery. Very, very, very funny and goofy stylings of Sarah Weinshank, everybody.

dysentery very very very funny and goofy stylings of Sarah Weinshank everybody what's up I went to my parents house I saw my dad using a shoe horn I feel like if you have to use a shoe, you should just get a bigger size shoe. Because normally you can just wiggle your way in. I looked up shoehorns because I'm really alone. I looked up shoehorns for about an hour last night, and I found out, guys, that shoehorns were from the Middle Ages which makes sense but I feel like we're not churning butter anymore right we're not okay the bubonic plague

yeah that took that out how come shoehorns remain That took that out. How come shoehorns remain? That's my question. You can also use shoehorning, the word shoehorning, which is then a verb. We can talk about that later.

There's a cat. All right. Did you have anything more for shoehorning as a verb? Yeah. Well, I just think that it's cool that,'s also like a... Well, first of all, on Wikipedia, they refer to it as a first-class lever,

which I found to be really funny. And I meant to say that. Yeah. This is weird for me, guys, because I'm old now, and so I used to always think shoehorns were dumb as fuck until I actually started using them, and now I really like shoehorns.

Really? Wow. That was Brian Redband shoehorning a joke into the conversation. No, I mean, I have really expensive shoes, and it's really hard to get in them. There we go. But when you get in them. That's how you use it as a verb. Right.

Yeah. And it's also the only horn that does not make a sound. Yeah, I thought about that, too. And then, yeah. Have you ever tried to play a shoe horn? You look like a real asshole. That's not true There's the horn of plenty

There's the horn of Africa There's a lot of horns The horn of Africa? The horn of Africa What is that? For those of us who don't know what the horn of Africa is It's a racist horn We're getting really horny up here guys

I thought that was the cape of good hope Is that different than the Cape of Good Hope? I don't even know. I think that's what you meant. Yeah, but it's a thing. The Horn of Africa is an actual thing. It's a curve on the continent. No, it's not.

Yes, it is. No, it's not. Okay. All right. That's why I'm doing it because we're on a podcast. And I'm probably wrong, but if you dig in. Brian's literally asking Siri what the Horn of Africa is. It says right there.

Cape of Good Horn, it says. It juts hundreds of kilometers into the Arabian Sea and lies along the southern side of the Gulf of Aden. That makes no noise. This is all stuff, Sarah, that you're not going to want to use for the show. Don't use it. I was just calling you on your shit. You're so full of shit with your horns that make no sound. I'm so angry.

If you're going to go, if we're counting geographical horns, then you can go right ahead. But again, just like I don't think people are checking the generational wealth of Eric Carter's bloodline of Mississippi, I don't think they're going to apply the geographical horn.

Horn dogs make no noises. Okay. They make all the noise the geographical horn. Horn dogs make no noises. Okay. They make all the noise. Corn dogs. Wait. I thought you said horn dogs. You're just completely forgetting what we're even talking about. I know.

You went from shoe horn to corn dog. Look at you. Look at you over here. Well, I love it. I mean, it's a very wineshank topic, you know? What about other articles of clothing that you would use a horn for, like a bra horn? You know, because women have those push-up bras,

and you need a horn. I need a horn for that, guys. Like tight pants. Right. Yeah, pants horn. An ass horn. Yeah. Asian girls.

Yeah. Spandex horn. Some women have camel toes. They must have pants horns to get into that. Maybe they could make a dick horn that only Matthew Broussard would play. He would apply it with his mouth for some reason. Sarah, that's fun.

We had fun. Good times. Shoehorn. Anything else, guys? Any more shoehorn ideas? Well, it's obviously something that you found really interesting and funny. So it's like that came out. That was one of the biggest things with a lot of people up here.

They're kind of talking about stuff. And you're listening. You're like, yeah, but you don't really care. That obviously is something that you're like, Jesus Christ like, yeah, but you don't really care. That obviously is something that you're like, Jesus Christ, Dad. Why are you using a shoehorn? So that's great. I just flesh it out, I guess, is my thing.

You need to work out the shoehorn stuff a little more. Yeah. All right. Look at your shoes, by the way. You're wearing Chuck Taylors that were like five years old right now. You obviously would not understand shoe horns. I love how defensive you are. I mean, come on. You're like a big baby about shoe horns over here.

Seriously. You're wearing like fucking old shoes. You're a shoe horn hater. Don't even fucking talk about the shoe horn. You're going to get my shoe horn when you pry it from my cold, dead hands. Oh, a shoe horn. You found it from my cold, dead hands. I'm a whole shoehorn. You found your Achilles heel, huh? Literally.

Literally. Sarah Wine Shank, thank you so much. She's Princess Shank on Twitter. Unbelievable, as always. Guys, Willie Hunter did it. Will Hunter's show on Twitter. Thank you. At Josh Martin Comic, Adelise Lane.

Greg Fitzsimmons, anything you want to promote? Yeah, give to Wounded Warrior Project. There you. At Josh Martin Comic, Adelise Lane, Greg Fitzsimmons, anything you want to promote? Yeah, give to Wounded Warrior Project. There you go. Fuck yeah, I love it. That's true. How are you going to follow that? He did something really nice. You're just going to promote yourself. I'm completely selfish. Yeah, my

special Big Dumb Animal comes out February 6th. Yeah! The next Comedy Central One Hour. Good job, brother. Powerful. I loved having you guys. Matt Bronger. This was fun, man.

Thank you for having us. Greg Fitzsimmons. Willie Hunter. Brian Redband. I'm Brian. Thank you, live audience. Later. We love you.

Thanks, guys. Good night. Ding Dong Show is up next. Thank you. Get it. Get it. Be aggressive. All right. Yeah. Thank you. you