KILL TONY - KILL TONY #96

Episode Date: April 23, 2015

Steve Trevino, Steph Simbari, Hormoz Rashidi, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 03/09/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to DeathSquad.tv, click on Tour Dates. You'll see that me and Tony Hinchcliffe are going to be in San Francisco May 12th. May 13th we'll be in Sacramento. And we're at the Comedy Store every Monday at 8pm. Tickets are free for that. And every Friday Death Squad has a comedy show at the Ice House at 10pm in Pasadena, California. Also check out ShopSquad.tv for the official merchandise of Death Squad, including Death

Squad mugs, water bottles, posters, stickers, t-shirts, hats, everything. And last but not least, don't forget to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony and Sclean. It's me. Hi, everybody.

Keep it going for the great Brian Red Band. Hi. And how about one more time for the music stylings of Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck that guy. Here we are again. Kill Tony. It's another crazy Monday night, everybody.

So excited to be here. I've been working on the Comedy Central roast of Justin Bieber all day, everybody. How exciting is that? That's March 30th on Comedy Central. It's so funny that you've been working on it so much every day. That's all you've been thinking, dreaming, like

Bieber, Bieber. We were just outside, and out of nowhere, he's just like looking down, he just goes up and goes, Bieber! Like, for no reason. I have like Bieber Tourette's right now. Why did you do that? Did you even realize you did that? Nah, I was thinking about another possible angle of making fun of him.

And then I noticed that I was doing it. So that was me going like, Bieber. Like he's got me. That's crazy. You know, it's a really fun thing. Luckily he's a fun target to have. And the dais is really, really, really, a really fun thing. Luckily, it's a fun target to have. And the dais is really, really, really, really, really great. It's like the greatest roast ever. So I'm really excited.

It's exciting. Congratulations to you people, because it's going to be well-written as fuck. Why did only girls laugh at that? Did you hear that? I love writing jokes. All right, made it weird for everybody Good to be here guys Episode Who Gives a Fuck Yeah, and you know

I am trying to get Bieber on the show If you're wondering And there's rumors that maybe next week he'll be here No confirmations guys But just rumors at this point Why are you even saying that when you know he's in the back of the room right now? Ladies and gentlemen Guys, give it up for Justin

Bieber. He is. Okay, you know what? If you guys are going to pretend like it's Bieber, then I'm going to send him back. Don't come up, Bieber. Stay there. Put your shirt back on. This cold-blooded crowd that doesn't even get excited. What if we did that with a patriot? You guys don't even have hope.

That's what you're lacking right now is hope. So let's pick it up a notch. Here we go. We have our one and only sponsor every single week. She makes a delicious meal for our guests. And I know one of our guests has already eaten some of this. And our other guest, I think, is going to be very excited because this sounds right up his alley.

Those are carne asada tacos with cotija cheese and fresh pico de gallo. It's from chef Elise Lane sitting right there everybody. She's a gourmet chef who cooks a few meals for us and the guests every single week. It's always delicious. She's currently working with the great Russell Peters because she's a professional chef who can be hired for all your catering needs. Hey, maybe you live in LA and you're having a big party. You want to impress people. Why not have a professional chef instead of making hot dogs and fucking it up?

You know what I mean? People aren't going to want to be your friend. But if they really like the food, guess what? You can move up in this fucking town, people. I don't care what you do. If you're a waiter, you could be the restaurant manager. Every week it's delicious. She's Adelise Lane, the girl, the pan on Instagram and Facebook.

Welcome, Monday audience. It's a Monday night. You guys are in a crazy show right now. She's streaming around the world live. The only streaming show at the number one comedy club in the world. The world famous comedy store, everybody. Every single week to play with me and Brian, we always have a patriot, someone to keep us safe.

This is this guy's third or fourth time being the patriot. Very, very funny guy. Always a great human being. One of my favorite rising comedians. One of my favorite pals just to write jokes with as of late. A hilarious mind. Put your hands together for Hormoz Rashidi ladies and gentlemen it's the Iranian Patriot

He is literally, I think he calls it Iran so I'll call it that He's from Iran Thank you for that, thank you You gonna sing along with us? You wanna sing us the national anthem? Do you know it? This is the Islamic Republic's national anthem. That I don't know. Oh, that's a different national anthem? Yeah, this is the new government, it's like the Islamic Republic.

Oh, you only know the old one. I only know the old one that's not the Islamic Republic of Iran. Wow. But I'll sing that. I'll sing the one I know. Is the one that you I'll sing the one I know. Is the one that you know the more dangerous one? Josh, by the way, come look at how you just fixed his microphone. Like, I give you the six...

There's no way that's the right angle. Period. It's good for Josh Martin. Yeah, it is actually. I did. Really? Yeah. How come I still can't hear him?

It feels like he's talking from across the room. Can we do a test of any kind, guys? Hello. There you go. There we go a test of any kind, guys? You gotta talk like that from now on. Big hands for the great Josh Martin, everybody. He's on Twitter at JoshMartinComic. Hustling and bustling.

Now I can hear Hormoz. Hormoz, are you excited about tonight's show? Oh, very excited. You've been on this show a few times. You're one of our favorite people. Thank you. How's everything been? Anything crazy going going on I went on a hike yesterday and got bit by a dog for the first time yeah what kind of dog was it I don't know it was a mutt but it was a big one and the guy was keeping it on a short leash but not short enough because it just fucking snapped when i wasn't looking and just bit my thigh wow went right for your thigh

yeah the ranger was right there too and i was like and i was like dude i'm not gonna tell the ranger because i don't want your dog to be killed but get the fuck out of here with your mean ass dog there's kids around and i got i was really heated you know know, like, you go hiking, you've all been there, you go hiking, you're on mushrooms, and then a dog bites you. I thought it was like a gyro or a Zancou chicken. Did you feel like the dog knew that you were on mushrooms? You know, I used to think that when I was on mushrooms, animals could feel it and know that I was at peace.

I don't feel that way anymore. I think it was just a stupid mean dog. Well, there you go. A lot of people would take the time to tell a funny story in that situation. Hormoz is one of the comedians that really lets it rip. He'll just tell you an actual dramatic story of something that happened to him, like getting bit by a dog. Hormoz Rashidi, everybody. It's the time of the show where I bring up our guests. These two

I've been working with for a very long time. One of them is one of my favorite rising talents in the world, currently opening up for Whitney Cummings and Sarah Silverman, and the other one is one of my first mentors, one of the funniest, coolest people that I know, and one of the greatest comedians anywhere.

One of my favorites to see all the time. He's been on the show before. This is her first time. Put your hands together for the great Stephanie Sambari and Steve Trevino. They're here. I think Stephanie won the battle of who will get the intro music, though.

Thank you. Steve Trevino might be the least Barbie girl of all the Barbies. Where's my tacos? Do you want them? Do you want them? Yeah, they are right here. No, no, no, I'm okay. She's going to hand them to you.

Very good. Let me reiterate. Whose ginger beer is this? That's mine. Okay, I was going to make fun of it. It was a dude's. Why? It's spicy.

I want to see where the dog bit you. Can we see on the thigh where the dog bit you pull down your pants do you want me to take your pants off for you? I love this we're about to get slower I really hope he's wearing underwear tonight don't be cumbly with him awww oh my god

oh my god what kind of panda is that? It's a monster panda. Guys, that got picked by a big big one. It gets covered up by one baby-sized panda. It broke skin! It broke skin! I was picturing such a crazy bite. It was a mutt, but it was big.

I kept hiking all day. How good were those mushrooms that you were on, Gary? You thought that you had a serious dog bite. I mean, I didn't think it wasn't that serious. I kept hiking all day. How good were those mushrooms that you were on, Terry? You thought that you had a serious dog bite. I mean, I didn't think it wasn't that serious. I kept hiking for like the next five hours on it. But then you were like, I can't wait to tell everybody that I got bit by a dog. Well, it was the first time I literally got bit by a dog. Well, then you haven't been to my house.

I've been to your house. It is true. Steve Trevino has the scariest dog. My dog has bitten more comics than any other dog in the history of the world. The last dog that bit me, without a doubt, Steve's dog. I remember when you called me up and you go, your dog found a loaf of bread, and I'm fucked. Yeah, no, it's true. I was house-sitting for him, dog-sitting for him at one point,

and this dog was pure evil. Like, it made no sense. I mean, it's good we're around its master but what he doesn't know because he's never there to see it is that when It turns evil. He knows.

He knows what it does. Pure evil. I ended up on the phone with you and I had to knock on the neighbor's door and she helped me. The neighbor had to come over

because the dog is more bonded with her. That was one of the scariest points in my life. I got it. Did you have to get a band-aid? You boo-hoo band-aid. I also think Hormoz did not get bit by a dog.

It was just on mushrooms. Right. It was a cat. It was a dog. It was like a tree. And a branch that brought him up against my leg. Yeah, you just sit down near a pin and it hits you. What kind of dog is your dog, Steve?

He's a blue heeler, like an Australian. And you know what I learned after dog sitting is that they call them a healer. Not because they make you feel bad. They don't heal you. Because they are known for biting your heels in the farm or whatever it is, right? Not your heels, but like sheep.

Animal heels. Yeah, but it's at life. But I have the legs of a sheep, so it just went right after me. The cackles of a sheep. So you guys know how it works. We sit here. We talk to stand-up comedians about anything in the world.

Maybe we try to help them out with something, like if we have an idea. Or maybe we just talk to them about something else. Maybe see if there's something else funny they could possibly talk about in the world. And we do it all on a live streaming podcast. Comedians, you know what the deal is. You get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time if I pull your name out of this bucket. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, how adorable. Did you guys hear

that? Listen just one more time. Listen to this. Listen to this. Aw, how cute. But that means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I love that. Yeah. It is back, and it sounds angrier than ever. I just love the fact that last time I was here, Tony, you guys had the outfit.

You wore the mask. I come back several months later and it's like, fuck it. Just how they do in Iran. Wear the gloves and the light. It's a more casual Patriot. There you go. Okay, make an effort. Budget cuts here.

Big budget cuts. When we started going streaming, that's when we had to pawn off the original Patriot costume. So guys, let's get it started. Audience, are you ready? Live streamers, are you ready?

Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of... Oh, fuck. Oh, I got it. Marcus Martinez. Marcos Martinez. Oh, I'm not a Mexican.

Marcos Martinez. Are you in the room, Marcos? Are you sure it's not Monterey? That means you've been blacklisted. Oh! That's what happens. What did she say? Are you sure it's not Monterey, Martinez?

Is it Monterey, Martinez? Are you at Senor Funny? No. You signed up and your name is that close? Yeah. What's your name? Monterey. Martinez.

Yeah. Put your hands together for Monterey, Martinez. Yes! We're keeping the theme with the tacos and the Mexicans. You guys, I'm not always good at dating. I prefer to date according to my breast size. I have smaller breasts, therefore I prefer to date someone with smaller hands. My only options are children and Mexicans. I can't date children because they don't have jobs.

Not gonna pay for everything. I'm not gonna date Mexicans because I'm Puerto Rican. And everybody knows one Hispanic plus one Hispanic equals a baby. I'm not about that. I wanna be a stepmom. Because like for me, children are scary. It goes children and then cancer.

But at least with cancer, people are happy for you when you get rid of it. It's an abortion joke. I don't think abortions are bad. I feel like it's like when you go out to eat, you just send it back. It's not going in the garbage. Someone else is just eating it. Christians tell me that the babies go to heaven, so I'm just sending it back up where it goes.

It makes me feel better about my abortion. Okay, thank you. That was awesome. Wow, exactly. 59 seconds. Nailed your time. How you doing? Good, thank you.

Can you talk with the mic? Oh, yeah, sure. Where are you from? Buffalo, New York. How long have you been on stand-up? Like almost two years. How long have you been in Good. Can you talk with the mic? Oh yeah, sure. Where are you from? Buffalo, New York. How long have you been on stand-up? Like almost two years. How long have you been in LA? Like 10 years.

Wow. Yeah. Interesting. What made you want to do stand-up? I always knew I wanted to write, so when I first came out here I was just trying to write and then I was like, how about you just do it on stage? And then that was that. What do you do for work? I work as a personal assistant for a talent manager for a talent manager yeah he does like music for studio composers oh very cool yeah that's fun

was there a part of your joke that you said something about eating an abortion was that what you were getting at no i'm just saying it's like sending it back at a restaurant like people don't throw food out like somebody takes it home it's just like in my head an abortion is like if i don't keep the baby someone else just takes it oh you said somebody else eats it did i yeah i think you did oh yeah and then i was like wait what are you talking about eating abortion yeah you kind of lost me at that point sure but i like the abortion material because it's always interesting to see what somebody's take on it. You weren't too shocking.

It wasn't like, oh. So you kind of walked the line a little bit with it. For sure. Because I've had a few, and I've kind of let them go just because it was... Just bringing up the word baby in some audiences. You've had a few abortions or jokes?

No. Both. Both. What's up, guys? Just bringing up the word baby in some audiences. You've had a few abortions or jokes? No, both. Both. What's up, guys? Was that a shout-out to the people out there with multiple abortions? No, it was a shout-out to a dead baby. Yeah. Oh.

Can you give, like, a shout-out to babies, though? Do they, like, ever figure out? No, because they're not really babies. Are they permanently that age and they just go to heaven just like that? Yeah, nothing? Or do they, like, grow up? They grow up into a baby form. No, because they're not really baby. Are they permanently that age and they just go to heaven just like that? Yeah, nothing? Or do they like grow up? They grow up into a baby form. A psychic told me that everybody's 30 in heaven. Oh.

You should open with that. Wow. That's hilarious. Yeah, that's great. Where'd you meet this psychic? I just, I think I'm psychic, so I just like hanging out with them. What am I going to say about your set? You're going to say it was like an average, I don't know. What do you mean you don't know?

You just said you were psychic. Yeah, but like on the weekends. This is what I would say. You have 60 seconds. It's really hard to tackle an abortion joke in 60 seconds. Me being Mexican American I would stay away from the ethnic jokes

I call it tacoing it up you don't want to taco it up because you don't even look Puerto Rican but I am and you can mention that and then move on in my opinion you're very sensitive about this Mexican stuff aren't you I just hate when I see comics and you know, and they're like,

hey, being Mexican, we used to have to share a piñata. And there's especially a thing with that, with, like, Mexican culture to where I've learned from hanging out with Jesus so much that there's, like, it's very clicky out there, and those guys all commit to it. Oh, yeah, there's a whole group of, like... There's, like, a weird thing in Mexican comedy to where, like, there's a whole

subculture, yeah, of Mexican comedians that just sell, sell it out. You know what I mean? Yeah, they just,

you know, they walk on stage, where's my Mexican people at? Right. You know. Yeah. But you know, you put them in a room

like this where you're trying to, you know, for every, they don't get it. You know what I mean? For sure. You know, so that's just my, I call it it tacoing it up you never want to taco it up

you know it's my opinion um even though i'm about to taco it up yeah go ahead well i didn't really take as much issue with the mexican thing i think it's fine if you talk about being puerto rican but what i think is number one like your boobs don't look small i thought the same thing so you don't need to be self-deprecating off the bat like sure that's something that i do too i feel like i be self-deprecating because i think that like puts me on the level and like but actually it just like makes us not trust you for sure also like you thinking you're psychic and all that stuff is like so much funnier and more personal than like abortions which is like you're. And I feel like as girls, we're like,

well, we can talk about dirty stuff too, but you don't have to do that to be awesome. And I feel like you could be that because you're obviously really smart. And don't dress down. You're a pretty girl. This is just how I dress. Dress however you want.

How do you make friends with psychics? You just go to Agape. A what? I knew this question was going to be gold. No, that's like a new age church in LA. Everyone thinks I go there, but I fucking hate organized religion, so I don't go. So people guess you go there because you're like all like, you like saved your apartment and shit. Is that purse full of crystals?

No, but like my apartment is for sure. Do you have any crystals on you? Nope. What happens when you're away from your crystals? I feel fine because I'm not like a maniac. Do you want to touch mine? I can feel them from here. I knew you had crystals on.

The energy was right in front of me. She has it. I like her. I felt it. So how do you meet a psychic? You say words to them and then they tell you that they're a psychic and then you just get their phone number and you hang out with them. Are you a gypsy?

No, but my mom is for sure. Wow. That's funny. So your mom has crystals too? Your mom. Yeah. My mom thinks she's a witch. I think, but my mom is for sure. Like, that's funny. See, your mom has crystals too. Yeah, my mom thinks she's a witch. I think you're right. Like, get into that. Yeah.

What makes you you is cooler than the fact that you can kill a baby. Yeah. Were you born in a crate? Because we can all do that. No, not that I know of. Yeah, anybody can get an abortion. Yeah. Well, not me.

Okay, exactly. Not me. Except for you guys. For sure. You can pay for them I put my babies in a sock every night They're expensive Are they?

Yeah Really? How expensive is an abortion? I'm gonna go with my abortion Special consultant Stephanie Sambaria For this question Well

Little known fact I've never had one Okay but how much would one be? It's $350 How much is it you know? Mine was $700 You had one? Yeah $700 You just paid for's $350. How much is it, you know? Mine was $700. You had one? $700? You just paid

for the $350? Yeah. Hangers are so expensive now. Yeah, I don't know. There's no reason to go to tomorrow's. Thank you, buddy. You heard me right now. This crowd's a little witty. It must have been a wooden hanger. Have you guys all laughed at the same time yet once? Very bizarre

crowd. My ex-girlfriend just started her period. That's like a $350 value right there when you start a period. I could just go horseback riding. Cheaper. True. What do you miss about Buffalo? Just people.

They're just like down to earth and blue collar. Do you have a lot of friends there? Um, no. Everyone moved. Do you ever go back and visit? Uh, like, every two years. Every two years. Because you have family there. Uh, yeah.

And they stay in Buffalo. Yep. How old are you? 28. Are you ticklish? Uh, depends. Don't fuck bread bin whatever you do. Top three dicks you suck on.

What was that? Top three dicks you suck on. Uh, top three? Like, like as in are they famous? I don't know Just like I know mine Right man? I think you did a great job by the way Yeah no really

Thank you You came up with material And that to me says a lot about you already You're already writing So that was good And by the way I would never want to do this So really good job It's a lot of pressure That's You're already writing. That was good. And by the way, I would never want to do this, so really good job.

It's a lot of pressure. That's fine. I like the way you were like, that's kind of my name. I have a good attitude. That's kind of my name. Can I go up? Hormoz,

Iran is the Puerto Rico of the Middle East. That's true. That's true. Any thoughts on Miss Martinez? I thought she was funny. I appreciate a girl who has pedophile jokes. Usually it's just boys, and I like that.

Is it okay that her face is not covered? Would I prefer her to not look like such a whore? Yeah, of course. Of course. There you go. Perfect. Thank you. What was your name again?

Monterey. If you want to give your Twitter handle a shout out. It's just Monterey. My name, Monterey M. Oh, no. Monterey. M-O-N-A-R-E-Y. My dad does drugs, and that's what you get.

Wow. That's a great name. Yeah. All the facts. A gypsy mom, a drug addict dad. And that's just what you get, yeah. You get a comic drug addict dad like that's what you get With your dad's drug of choice heroin He's sober now you guys Great job, by the way. There you go. I thought, she said Martinez.

Well, she said small boobs. I had a side boob action. Me too. I was like, those are like a C. I've seen small boobs. Did you have questions for the guys?

When we mentioned heroin, I just wanted to bring down the audience real quick and mention that Iran is the number one heroin addiction country in the world. Oh.

All right. All right. All right. All right. Very good. We're proud of you guys over there. That's great. Super chill, Terry.

Very chill. Oh, gonna fish around in the bucket? Okay. I always ask my guests a question, the same question. Was there ever something that you did when you very first started comedy uh that you can't believe that you did or like that you might regret or that you find embarrassing i have a million of those me too i made a business card no oh yeah stand-up comedian

business card was there like a image on it oh yeah like a little stand-up comedian guy yeah and i like i passed it around like it always cracks me up when i have like an opening act come on the road with me and they're standing outside handing out business cards and i'm like a rookie move you know but yeah it's one of the most embarrassing things i've ever done this word i love that business cards i think it shows you had a good business sensibility and you're just trying to be somebody yeah now people like you got a card i'm like nah yeah well a card is sort of like, I don't know. I feel like it's like old newspaper boy stuff now.

Oh, here, here's my business card. Contact me on the rotary. People still ask for a card, and then I feel stupid, and I'm like, nah, I don't know my life. The best move. It's like a thing now. It's like a thing. People pull out their phones.

Yeah, my dad would ask somebody for a business card, they'd give it to him, and he'd pick his teeth with it. It was the fucking best move. They should have a thing, though, where if you tap a phone together, like a button and a tap. They did that. They did that. Oh, really? Like, they took it away.

Oh. How about you, Stephanie? Well, like, Steve. What's the worst thing you did in the beginning of your career? I don't know. I have a lot of really embarrassing stories that I blacked out because I was either really high or really drunk. Well, that's normal. No, but, like, you can't be fucked up when you first start.

It's not a good move. You've got to have your wits about you. But I remember the first time I did the open mic downstairs, the host, I don't even know who it was, I was just a ball of nervous energy. He was like, okay, you're going to get three minutes, and there's going to be a light at two, and then you're going to get off stage.

It's going to be a star. And I was like, okay. And then I don't know how much time I did it. Probably it was like a minute and 10 seconds. I was so nervous and like in a blackout that I saw those red lights on the ceiling that have stars on them. Oh my God.

You were talking about. Yeah, I thought that was the light. I was like, this is my dad. Oh my God. And I just like freaked out and ran off stage and I didn't come back for like six months,

I don't think. I've still never done well at the open mic. I always laugh. Over six years ago. Again, like when I have an opener that like walks on stage with it, like they're doing a guest spot at my show and they'll walk on stage with a beer. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? You have to be.

You have five minutes. Yeah. You're going to sip a beer? Yeah. What the fuck are you doing, guy? It's amazing. Oh, it's my thing. You don't have a fucking thing.

You suck. Put your hands together for michael perkinson ladies shut the fuck up oh pit bulls everybody wants to have a pit bull it's not how it's that they're not vicious It's just how you raise them. Look, motherfuckers, you can raise a border collie to be vicious, and it's still just going to gnaw on your fucking baby's neck like a dentibone, and nothing's going to happen.

It's not about how you raise it. It's the fact that at one point, its whole fucking eight-year life decides to fucking do something stupid. It could fucking kill an antelope. It's a fucking pit bull. There's no other dog we fear. I was going to talk about how people take me serious now that I wear

glasses. A year ago I didn't have glasses and people took me for the retard that I am. But now, you know, they're like, hey, did you clean that faucet as good as you could? Yes, sir. I promise, sir. I won't, I understand.

I understand. Right? And then now people are like, yeah, I'm thinking about buying a nursing home. What do you think? I'm like, yeah, nursing home's your turnkey. People are always. I don't know what it was,

but it was amazing. Michael Perkinson, ladies and gentlemen. I have so many questions. I know. Was there more to that last joke? Was that it? Nursing homes are turnkey. Let's fucking leave it on that. I don't know if people are writing the joke in their head.

To fill in for you guys and for some of the listeners that might be seeing Michael for the first time, he's been on a few times, and what we've learned about Michael is that he's funnier in between his jokes than his jokes are. Like, when he's talking about how bad that just went or whatever, like, in the middle of jokes, he kills. And then he starts saying something

that he prepared and thought of, and it's just dog shit. But don't let that take away from the fact that he's killing in between the jokes because you have such a fucking likable, like, giant lesbian head. What is that sound? What is that sound that he goes,

ah, what is that sound? He's got a pat kick going on. What is that sound? If Jimmy from South Park wasn't paralyzed, Tony. Are you talking about Timmy, you stupid fuck? Are you trying to roast me right now? In a fucking bathing suit? You're trying to make fun of me?

In your swim trunks, guy? And a perm? Alright, come on. Christ. Fucking flip flops. Fucking perm is strong. I was literally gonna say, first things first, you gotta lose weight. I'm tired of fighting.

I'm tired of fighting. Oh my god. What were you doing in those shorts? I know it wasn't working out, you fucking fuck. You piece of shit. How dare you call me Jimmy from South Park, who isn't even a fucking character. He's so fat that that shirt never comes off, even if he's in the pool.

Oh, yeah. He's a keep the shirt on kind of guy. Oh, yeah. Jimmy is actually a character. What is that on your arm? What is on your forearm? Hey, Patriot. It's his set.

What's on your forearm? It's my set. What does it say on your fucking forearm? Well. Read the words. All right. All right. Gummy, Avatar, Pac-Man,

Risk and Reward. What? None of that shit came out. You get one minute on stage, you prepare all that shit on your arm, and you just fucking rattle off nonsense about border collies can be like pitbulls. Why would you use a

Sharpie guy? You use him. You wanna talk about a bad- Use a razor blade if those are the jokes you're gonna be having. Michael can handle it, you softy fucks. I see you guys watching. I can see how his reaction will be.

He's been in the war zone. It's you pussies first. You wanna talk about a bad day? Whoa, is he okay? You wanna talk about a bad day? Whoa, is he okay? You want to talk about a bad day? I didn't get drawn, so I entered some dance-off for the O-Dream. Oh, did you win that?

I won it. I won the fucking... I lost all self... whatever you call it. You lost that one when you showed up and you were drawn. Never gonna give,

never gonna give, never gonna try to get on the fucking stage. I get on the stage, but I knocked a tile out, so there's some manager who kind of looks like Pauly, but kind of looks like Andy Dick's younger brother. Some guy's like, you just knocked a tile out?

I don't think, you know. What's happening right now? Did you just try to tell a little story or something there? I don't know. Did you go into another set? I just killed the OG room, but when I got off the stage, I was like, the OG room? What's it called? I don't even know. Yo, son. No, it's definitely the OG room, but when I got off the stage, I was like, the OG room? What's it called?

I don't even know. Yo, son. No, it's definitely the OG room. I'm going up at the OG room tonight. Keeping it real. Holy fuck. All right, but you've got to get some shoes. Yeah, why are you dressed like that?

Middle-aged vacation. I'm sleeping on a couch, and I've been sleeping on a couch and I've been sleeping on a couch. Just because you're sleeping on a couch doesn't mean you have to wear what you're sleeping on the couch. Like you could get off the couch and put on a fucking adult outfit. Maybe pull out a straightening iron and straighten that hair out. You know? I like how interested y'all are in NLs.

How old are you honestly? I'm 29. You're really funny man. You're a funny dude honestly? I'm 29. You're really funny, man. Like, you're a funny dude. Like, you really are. You're a funny person. You have a right to save your fucking life. You're a funny dude.

And you know what? Sometimes some people don't need to, you know, in certain situations. Like, we've said this every time he's been on, is that he's a ticking time bomb to be, you know, the next Jonah Hill type in some fucking whatever. Look at his fucking head. How could you not love that? He's better than Jonah Hill.

Jonah Hill's gonna lose out on roles to this fucking guy, and they're gonna be casting a Jonah Hill type, and he's gonna book it over Jonah Hill because you're like locked in Jonah Hill at his best. Jonah showed us that he can actually like you know control himself and you

couldn't do that but it's perfect. You'd stay at this perfect, likeable weight and it would be awesome. I just want to say that just because you're funny though doesn't mean you don't need to keep doing like a lot of sets. Because like you're only gonna get funnier if you don't write good by getting out of the law. I'm a one-liner, but going to these open mics repetitively makes me start to question things. You're a one-liner?

No, you're not. Give me one line, go. I leave Cheetos in the street to teach birds about risk and reward. Do one that you haven't done on the show before. Read one of the fucking things off of your fan art. I think they're not a one-liner column. What's the Pac-Man one?

Okay, first of all, you had to write fucking risk and reward on your arm to remember that bullshit. Did you just write Cheetos? I just write Cheetos. I just smile and keep looking, guys. That's all you do, just smile and keep looking. He writes the joke out loud. I'm going to write a joke about risk and reward.

Sticks and stones can break your bones, but your words can make me want to kill myself. Oh, stop. Not really. Not really. I'm not suicidal. You would never, ever kill yourself. Let's face it.

I'm not too hungry to kill myself. What's the Pac-Man joke? Okay. This is ridiculous. Alright. I like to run through grocery stores eating hard-boiled eggs until I find the fruit section

so I can pretend I'm Pac-Man. Holy shit. That's funny. That's funny. I still think you're not a one-liner comment. No, you're a guy who gets on stage and has fun. And makes noises. Yeah, makes noises.

And you know what? You were correct to say that Tony was Jimmy from South Park, but without the crutches. Right, it's true. I thought about that afterwards, but I wasn't going to give him any credit on that. Yeah, take that shit! I was, he was right. Yeah, take that shit! Oh, it was? He was right?

Guys, it's a fun... It's fun to fucking take shots at you because it's like fucking shooting a blow dart into an elephant's skin, you know? It's just... No, no, no. It's like having something with the skin of an elephant throw blow darts at us. It's a whole different thing.

Guys, the coolest thing happened during that. Melissa Joan Hart is now following me on Twitter, everybody. I got it. Oh, yeah. So random. Sabrina! She has a company tweeting for her, and they follow a lot of people. Yeah, sorry, but that's cool for you.

I was going to say, she's going to have to explain herself. Sabrina the Teenage Bitch. Wow, you really went for it there on her first page. We went to the Irony and the bomb out of nowhere and you missed the fucker. And he thought about it. He fucking wrote it in his head. By the way, she's following

me and she's also following 130,000 other people. My heart is broken. Marissa. She still looks pretty decent. Are those her kids? Yeah. Kill Tony. Kill Boney. Larissa! Whore. It's not her. She still looks pretty decent. Are those her kids? Yeah. They're on TV.

Nice. Kill Tony! Norlite, kill Boney! MP, you guys! What was that? Are you going to write that on your arm for next week? Okay, rattle off one more joke from your arm. I want to hear another one. I want to see if any of these are good.

I want to see if any of these are good. Teddy Grahams are fossilized gummy bears. We've been eating... Did you hear that itching? Did you hear that noise of people in the audience? It sounded like they just jumped off a building. Was that one off your arm? That was on the arm. You really put that on your arm.

But I didn't go off the arm up here, guys. There's only one possible thing we could do. Then why did you write it? It's there for backup. My arm's down my back. I came up with a piece of paper. You know what you have to do now, Michael? Kill yourself. No, no, no.

No, you don't have to do that. You just have to cut off your left arm. That's coming with the diabetes. Oh, I see that. That was quick. That was quick. A little bit of a smile. I see that that was quick that was quick and a smile I like that

I don't care who gives a shit you're a funny you really are a funny dude man you really are Michael what do you want to do like what are your what's your biggest dreams

my biggest dreams to not have to just not have to fucking worry about anything just fucking just have red covered and get some pussy every now and again.

That doesn't, that could pay for. Fuck it. Oh, wow. Yeah, no, no. I want to fuck you and I want you to leave. I mean, like,

sounds like that couch that has another 30 years of you ahead of it. I don't believe you. Huh? I don't believe you. You're one of those girls. You're one of those girls.

I just think a girl could really help you, like, buy some shoes. With my money, right? No. And her one of those girls. I just think a girl could really help you, like, buy some shoes. With my money, right? And her shoes, and yours shoes. What do you do for a living? I'm just a guy. What do you work? I don't have a job.

I'm just here trying to find a job. I just got an audition to play a fucking overweight creepy guy. Well, nailed it. Nailed it. Normally when people say the description of the audition that they're going on like that,

they don't perfectly nail exactly what they are. I mean, what kind of auditions would you rather be going out for? Overweight, slightly creepy guy? Because there's only so many options of shit that you could fuck. What do you want to be? What do you want to be? Skinny, not creepy?

No, I want to do karate. Do you know any karate? Nope. What did you do for this dance-off that you won? I fucking killed it. You fucking killed it? I saw a little bit of it.

You want to play some... I mean, I broke the ceiling, but if you want to play some music, I'll dance. Well, are you going to break the ceiling? No, I'll put the microphone stand away. Audience, would you like that? I think, I think we all want to see,

I think we all want to see exactly what Michael Perkinson brings to the table. Whoa, he's emptying the pockets. I gotta get rid of it. And those are the shoes. And the shoes are off. Wow. Fuck yeah.

Look at this. Oh. This is the... Jump over here. Double jump. This is obviously the dance he does when he realizes he still has more to reach. I'll tell you that.

Am I. Am I. Am I. Yeah! I like your attitude, buddy. Honestly, you've got great rhythm. I was at one point, yeah. You were a lifeguard at one point. I was good, I was good too. What do you call those dance moves?

Like the high cholesterol? What is it exactly? I used to strip right at a laundromat. Man, I just did a dance audition. It was so fucking funny. I'm a professional dancer. This dude had an iPad. He was chasing me around this basketball gym.

Oh wow, so when the blood gets rushing to his head it creates a disaster. There's not a four sets tonight. I think we woke up the beast. Can you put that stuff in your pocket? You got that? What's going on over there? You gotta be careful with those mesh pockets. When's this audition? In the built-in underwear. Which audition? Do those have built-in underwear? I cut it out. I'm free-balling. I'm free-balling. It feels good. I like it. You ever powder up? When you powder up and

you're free-balling, it just feels fantastic in this weather just fantastic round of applause for free balling in this weather that's a good opening can I dismiss myself? I'll dismiss you real quick when's that audition for overweight creepy guy oh I just responded to I just responded to it today but I mean

it sounded like I'm not even auditioning they just took me from the picture you think you booked it to take up the picture I think so oh my god

I got this picture where I'm like yeah yeah yeah fuck y'all. Just kidding. I think we have the future Brian Holtzman, dude. I don't know. I've never heard of him. Say somebody I know. I think in the future.

Yeah, there's definitely something to you. You're very, very likable, and we love having you on, Michael. You're a real wildfire. Good luck at your audition pretty sure you already booked it oh guys you see what just got in the room it was intense Dean just showed up hey Dean Galbraith ladies and gentlemen former GM of the comedy store one of the guys that you know I worked for one of the last bosses I ever had the last yeah the last boss I ever had like it well I mean not counting these crazy writing gigs but

well you know what can I say this is an interesting one this isn't written on a normal piece of paper is that approved Josh just do you know about this so somebody just dropped this in earlier then I should I shouldn't read it right because that makes it an unfair system correct right all right see it's an it's honorable here put your hands together for your next comedian David Deary David Deere. Thanks guys. I just got back to LA. I was visiting my parents for two weeks. I never realized how much I hated my parents. I also never realized how loud masturbation actually is. There's really nothing worse than jerking off and thinking to yourself,

can my mom hear this? The only thing worse than that is jerking off thinking, can my mom hear this? And being like, oh yeah, she can. Oh yeah, mommy. David's a big boy now, isn't he? Yeah, I got man needs now, mommy. Save those Star Wars toys for someone else.

That's the worst. The only thing worse than that would be jerking off thinking, can my mom hear this? Them getting excited about it. And then there's a knock at the door. And it's my dad. And he's like, what are you doing? Oh, you're jerking off to mom?

Cool, bro. Yeah. Let's do this shit. And the cousins all come over. They're like, yeah. And the dog and the alco. I only got you. Thanks, guys. do this shit. And the cousins all come over. They're like, yeah. And the dog and the alco. I only got one. Thanks, guys.

Thanks a lot. Wow. 59 seconds of David motherfucking Berry. Wow. With perhaps, I will say, one of my favorite minutes I think I've ever heard. Yeah. I kept it on one thing. One of?

I think that's definitely, if not the best minute I've heard on a whole show. Come on, guys. Come on. He weirdly looks a lot like David Cross. I know. Stop. Stop with that. Come on.

I thought he was David Cross. This has been 20 years of this, guys. That's why he did so good. You see this? Are you wearing a disguise? Yeah. No, yeah. We see.

He's a disguise. He doesn't have that. You're a pedophile forever. Uncanny. I know. His publicist in Vegas stopped me a long time ago. This was Mr. Showtime. He was like, oh my god.

Do you know David Cross? I was like, yeah, I live in New York. I'm cool. I've been getting it a lot. Seriously, it's pretty crazy. Another story from David Deary, everybody. David Cross. I loved that. That liked it. David.

I loved that. That was amazing. Thanks. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five and a half years. Five and a half years. And you're from? Well, I'm originally from Philadelphia, but I spent the last ten years in Europe.

In Europe? Doing stand-up? Yeah, doing stand-up. I started in Europe. Where at? In Berlin. You started in Germany? Yeah, I started in Germany. What's your nationality?

Crazy. What are you? My mom's Jewish. My dad... Get the fuck out of here. That is amazing. You started in Berlin? Yeah, yeah.

And you're Jewish? Oh, yeah. That's awesome. I got it back, bro. Incredible. I got it back. What's your dad? My dad's Italian-Irish.

Hey, we're the same. I'm a Chelsea Peretti. Like, we're Chelsea Perettis. She's also Jewish mom, Italian dad. Okay. I see what you mean. I thought you were. I'm a Chelsea Peretti. We're Chelsea Perettis. She's also Jewish mom, Italian dad. Okay. I thought you were... I was very impressed, man. Thanks, man. You're doing a great job. Thanks. Really good opener, strong... There's not a lot of comics

in Germany, you know what I mean? I get a lot of time. What's some of the differences in European crowds in here? I performed in Sweden, and I can tell you one thing that I noticed. What's that? Is that they don't laugh like Americans. Americans laugh more like gluttonous. Like when we think something's funny, we let it rip.

Like, ah, ah, ah, ah. You know, we all have our own goofy laughs that we do and we push it. And in Europe, it's sort of, at least with the stand-up, it's like more like, ha, ha, ha, ha. They clap a lot. It's more like respect. They clap, yeah. Like if you're killing killing then they're clapping like that the whole time because the show's going good like they're like yeah keep it going german audiences clap like even uh like for german comics it's just like a thing in their culture when they they laugh if it's really good they

clap so it's hard and it's hard to like they like, I guess they don't have the culture of, like, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, slam, you know, and get a rolling, you know, like, Bobby Lee wouldn't even be able to perform out there because people would just be like, oh, that's funny, oh, and he's just like, no, that's the beginning of the tag, this. I did it with Joe Rogan, and that's pretty much what he did, was, like, these people were clapping their

hands together for pretty much, you know, an hour and a half. Yeah. Not to mention the half hour that I destroyed going up before him. I mean, you know. And it's probably hard to keep your timing. Like, I only did comedy in Europe. It was super weird. We did two sets in a

theater in Sweden in one night, and I did 30 and he did an hour and a half, and the first set, I spent the last 10 minutes of it only being able to talk about their responses and the fact that they could clap like I had this weird epic sort of set for the people that were there you know where I was realizing what was happening and also thinking that I wasn't doing good because I'm like why aren't you guys laughing and they were laughing at that and they were clapping at that what is going on like I almost felt like it was a giant

prank and then I made the adjustments for the second set and just kept going and if you just clapping at that. I'm like, what is going on? I almost felt like it was a giant prank. And then I made the adjustments for the second set and just kept going. And if you just keep going, they'll stick with you. They can't believe it because I guess people just what? Aren't that funny in Europe, huh? They just don't do it. It's like the same reason we're not good at soccer. We just don't care. They don't care about it.

David, that was a... They don't give a shit about it. That was a complete bit, right? Yeah. I've done it a few times. How much material is a comfortable... How much material do you have? What's the longest set you've ever done? Well, I've done a lot of long sets

because when I started, I actually was just like, I wasn't even trying to be a comic. I was like, I'm just going to do a full show. Like, it was a joke. And then a lot of people came. And it was like... Okay. Like, my friend told me, he said, oh, you should be full show. Like, it was a joke. And then a lot of people came. And it was like... Okay.

Like, my friend told me, he said, oh, you should be a comic. Like, it's a classic story. Like, you should do comedy. And, like, there's no... Out there, especially, there's nowhere to do comedy. So I just said, all right, I'll do it. Were you friends with mostly Americans out there? No, I...

No, lots of German friends. What brought you there in the first place? Music stuff. And what makes you keep the mustache? That's what I want. I fixed the washing machine one time, and I was like, you know what? I got this. This is mine now.

Very good. David, do you want to do the Death Squad show Friday? Yes. Awesome. Wow. Look how excited he is. I can't believe it. Look at that.

He's just showing off. Just like that, guys. Oh, my God. Just like that. Wait a second. I like that guy. Oh my God. Wait a second. I just got word. Michael Parkinson just jumped off the comedy store. He's dead now.

That's Hollywood, baby. Can I just say I've signed up for this podcast like 20 times and I'm pretty bitter about it. And today I was like, I feel like I'm going to get picked today because Pat Reagan was talking about dead cats and the crowd is angry and I'm going to do horrible and then no one's going to like me. Oh, you are a comic. Now it worked out. He's a miserable fuck. Thanks, Brian. You're welcome. That was really impressive.

That was my first time seeing you. I'm much happier now than I was in Germany. Yeah, I've known you for quite a while and I know that you've helped Josh set up and help us out. Thanks for letting me do that, Tony. You're a great guy. How old are you? I'm pretty old. No, you look like the cool dad.

You know what I mean? I'm the cool dad, yeah. The skateboarding dad. Hey, dad, wear this hat. I'm 41. Oh, you're fine. You're really good. How long were you in Europe for?

Ten years. Man. I know. I blinked it, and I was just like. What were you doing over there? I went over there doing music stuff. I used to, like, do a lot of music stuff. Yeah, dude, me too.

When you say music stuff, that might be the most... You had a Walkman in headphones? What are you talking about? I've been in bands and I've produced music, but I went over there DJing for some hip-hop kids from New York and then just kind of fell in love with Berlin. Hip-hop kids you went with?

Some of the guys. 12-year-olds? Some dudes. Hip hop? In a van. David, did you drive a van across the ocean? Trying to hide my past here. I mean, your past is intriguing me.

I was a DJ. I was a DJ. The one million dollar question. Give it up for DJs. The one million dollar question is how did you get your pedophile van across the ocean to Europe? Let's put it on a test flag. Does it have, it goes under ones in terms of a submarine. I love it. Lots of little kids paddling, man. Paddling. What kind of car do you have? I want to know what you have. I don't have

a car. I have a bike. Wow. I mean, I'm like, how far do you live from here? I live right now. I live in Westlake. I'm looking for a place. Where do you live in Ontario, California? You drive your bike from there? Yeah. I don't even know where Westlake is. What? I'm just kidding.

Can you name a cross street or something? Fourth and Rampart. Do you want to know my exact location? You take it over Laurel? On the address. I want to know where that is. It's like down past Koreatown. It's like Koreatown, Westlake, downtown.

It's pretty... It's not my ultimate pick. Do you get on the bus too sometimes? Sometimes, yeah. Or I get on the train. I'll get on the red line. Very good massage parlors over there though. I bet. You go to the farmer's market, don't you?

I'm looking for a place to live right now. So I just got a job at a pizza place. Why don't you move in with Judith? I'm married. I'm married. I'm a married man. So I got to find a place for my wife. Damn it!

I know. She's cool, though. No chance. She's cool. Yeah, you could be. Stephanie would never hook up with a married man. Not anymore. Where are you from originally?

Originally from the suburbs of Philadelphia. Born and raised? Where? Closely. Thank you. So many times. What's your deal? Did any of your teen girls break your heart out there?

No, not too bad. It's nice out there, it's good. Did you get in one little fight and your mom got scared? What's that? Well, David, we loved having you on. Thanks. Great fucking minute. You did a good job, buddy.

See you Friday. Thanks for debating with us, parents. You can catch up on Friday at the Ice House. Yeah. That's what, show. great fucking good job buddy yeah we gotta find somebody you can go with because you should not write a writer's bite the two ice oh take the train all right mr. David Deary oh yeah you can take the red line to the gold line I know that one yes I did that before on my way to the Rose Bowl because I'm a Buckeye and I come from winning ground ladies and gentlemen your next comedian is Alex Duong I've been sex long enough that my friends bought me a pocket pussy.

Like, it's funny and it's weird. It's funny because I know now he owns a sex toy. Because you don't just go around buying sex toys for people. Like, you're a consumer, you're a believer in that product. It's weird because I know after he used his sex toy, he was like, oh, you know who could use one of these? Alex could. Happy birthday.

But I took it because it's a gift, you know? And I get lonely, guys. I get lonely. So one night at home, I'm looking at the pocket pussy, and I'm on a Hugh Grant marathon and it's like hey Alex let's go I don't know why it's English come on let's have a go at it Mike no I'm just like mad at Sandra Bullock like come on Sandra give him another chance he's misunderstood like come on it's either this or two weeks notice again like ah fuck it

what the whole thing a couple more like stuff don't do it please was it does it come after that that was it or do you just know your minute uh no there's like a couple more like it, a couple more tags to it. I bet he fucks the pussy. I take the pussy, yeah. The fucking pussy? Yeah. Did you try it?

I did try it. Does it actually fit in your pocket? Yes, it does. It's compact. It's an overhead pocket. Did you take it to a public place with you and then use it for like what it's worth or did you just use it at home? Like a real pocket pussy. I used it in traffic.

Nothing like that. Not a boy. Just don't get it. How happy are your parents right now that you do stand-up comedy? They're miserable. I know. They're Asian, I know. Ever since your dad gave you that pocket pussy.

No! What kind of Asian are you? Are you Korean? Uh, no, my mom's Vietnamese, French, dad's Chinese. Holy shit, that's a lot. Sexy Asian mixture. That's where the lips come from. We want some smart babies. They're so supple.

We want some sim babies. No, he's a comic. If he was smart. So, but look at his bone structure. This is what we think about. He does have strong bone structure. Ooh, yikes. Don't make that face. Don't duck with it. Yikes. So when did you use it?

How did you use it? What was that? Why do you want to know this? Because this is where the fucking material happens. There's nothing funny about him staring at it, wondering what the fuck he's going to do the whole time. So when you fucked it wondering what the fuck he's gonna do the whole time so when you fucked it what went down well uh i was there's like a little like thing of lube that comes with it should you use that that lube like yeah all right like a ketchup packet yeah like

did you read the ingredients no uh it's probably bad for me, though. But it works. It works. I'm like on the 405, and it's like bumper to bumper hard to O. So you're from L.A. And you already can't drive, and you're using the public bus. Yeah. Come on, guy. You'd never be in a Prius.

In a Prius. Oh, Jesus. You would never be able to explain yourself. So seriously, when did you use it? At home or in the car? It was actually in the car because I like to test myself. I like to challenge myself. Are you trying to make a joke?

I don't believe you used it in the car. Do you have any photos of that? What's that? Of you fucking the pocket pussy in your car? I have. Do you have photos? Yes. You want me to see?

Yeah, I want to see. Shotgun. You really took a photo of yourself? No, I did not. I'm not that narcissistic. So much multitasking. You're driving fucking the pussy. Right. It was like an illusion. Selfie on my fucking pussy.

I loved it. I would never believe it. It's like after a show and I'm going home and I just have a sudden urge to jack off. So it's after a show and there's traffic on the 405? Yeah, there's always fucking... Maybe you should hit the gym before work to burn off some of that energy, dude. No, the gym's expensive.

You should be able to get home without jerking off. Isn't traffic bad, though? Yeah. You don't want cars next to you seeing you fuck your pocket pussy, right? No, I got a limo tent. Get out, Asian. He's a boss. Tinted windows.

He's got a Prius with a fucking, what are those things called in the back? Yeah, but no matter how pimp your car is, you're still not a pimp if you're fucking a pocket pussy while you drive. Solid point. Solid point. What are you, how old are you? I'm 30. How, like, honestly, how old are you? I'm 30. How, like honestly,

how disappointed are your parents? No, I'm the youngest child so they kind of let me do whatever I want to do. Yeah? Yeah, they're just like,

I mean, we can fuck up on this one. What do your other siblings do? They're all business owners. Rich. And I'm fucking eating ramen, you know? They got beamers.

Well, I mean, you probably like ramen, though, right? It's delicious. Let's have some ramen. Wait, how long have you been in Santa for? Like two and a half years. And what did you do before that? I was headed towards medical school. Wow.

This could have been your physician, you guys. On the way to work, just fucking that pocket pussy. He would have invented a better pocket pussy. Yeah. I would have. He had more schooling. I think, look, honestly, man,

I think you did a good job. You had material. I just think you took it too far, too long. Give me punchlines. Okay. I don't even know if Sandra Bullock

and the accent and all that bullshit. I like that. I thought that was good details It has an accent It's got a personality that's sweet The one part where you said you were watching a marathon of Hugh Grant movies

That was your strongest part of the whole joke So it seemed like It was just too much fat around that one joke But I did like the setup Where you said your friend was fucking his pocket pussy, and now I just like saying that. And then he thought of you. Like, that's a funny point. Okay, cool. Thank you.

Women have a pussy pocket. Yeah, like, I put my phone in my pussy. An eye pussy. It's like a pocket book. An eye pussy. So, I mean, I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around this. The first time you used it, you're telling me the truth.

And I'm telling you to just tell me the truth. Because I want this to be amazing. Absolutely. You decided to pull it out at nighttime. Pull out the ketchup packet. Freeway traffic we're talking about. There's traffic on the freeway, bumper to bumper. For some reason.

You pull the thing out of the box, you pull the liquid packet of lubricant out, you open up the bag of lubricant, do you put that on the pocket pussy? Make it soy sauce instead of popcorn. That wasn't my joke, that was you. I don't want to mess you up. You put it on the inside, and the thing is, I usually, when I have shows,

I actually bring the pocket pussy on stage. Do you have it with you? No, it's in my car. You're better than that. Is he, though? And you're wearing skinny jeans, so I'm guessing this is one tiny pocket pussy that you're fucking, huh?

I have a bit earlier, another set of about that, about how it's a small pocket pussy that you're fucking huh? I have a bit earlier like another set up about that about how like it's a small pocket pussy and like there's it's like a small pocket pussy I'm like I'm an Asian but I ain't got a baby dick dude. Prove it! You know it would be funny though if you and a friend could both go together

and then like just split it in half and then both have a half of you. Yo man you want half want a pocket pussy. Yo, man. You want a pocket pussy? You want to go halfsies on a fleshlight? Yeah, go halfsies on a fleshlight. That's funny. That's funny.

Like you know what's funny, Alex Dwan. You just said a few-brand impression of your pussy. I've got a sense of humor, god damn it. I like him. He's charming. Maybe, what are your other jokes about? Your supple lips? Other weird sexual things you do are your other jokes about? Uh, your supple lips.

Other weird sexual things you do? Yeah, just about lips. Lips are supple, be honest. They are. I'm telling you, you're a really hot Asian guy. Well, he had braces up until just a few weeks ago. Really? Yeah, I just got my braces off like a month ago. You should kiss that pussy.

That's why he's got great teeth. You should get some real pussy, my friend. I heard that. I'm trying, trying. When you, the friend gave you the pocket pussy, get some real pussy, my friend! I heard that! I'm trying, trying. When you, the friend gave you the pocket pussy, did you still have the braces on? I told you so! I did. See, see, now he can move on!

See, now it's starting to make sense. Time to move on! I love it. Well, uh, Alex Duong, we had... I think that... I think we had fun up here today. I had a blast. I had a blast.

I think it's just so weird to have shit up here. I hate the decor. All that already happened. I think we had fun up here today. I had a blast. I had a blast. I think it's just so weird. We have a shit up here. He's in decor. He's Asian as fuck, but he's wearing the tablecloth

from an Italian restaurant. I've seen more ass on a flounder. Jesus Christ. Let me see. Turn around. Let me see your shitter. Steve's in charge of judging only Asian guys' ass. We're not in prison. You can't talk to me like this I'm gonna do whatever I want. Let me see your shitter. Oh

Man, you're well, you can follow him on shitter at dapper do all There he goes Pocket pussies like he's like an energetic block to a real girl. What? That's the reason why he doesn't have a girlfriend. Oh, no, that's not the reason. He did commit to the pocket pussy though and jacking off in the car.

I don't think that happened either. Cuomo's weirdest thing you've ever had to say. Tweet it. Weirdest thing? When I was a kid, I jerk I was a kid banana peel once pretty good did you warm it up did you warm I did not warm it up but it got pretty warm the whole time I'm picturing you putting inside yourself but you have a dick inside yourself, but you have a dick.

So you just use the peel. How did that work? You eat the banana and then you start fucking the peel. Do you have to eat the banana? What did you say? You don't want to crap up. You don't want to crap up. You should fuck the banana or eat the banana after. That's a good point.

Save a little treat for yourself. But then the banana's in the place where you'd want to put your dick. No, you take the banana out, set it aside. Let me ask you something. I wish I would have met you. When you're hungry after you see some Boris. Just like the gym.

If I met you at 13, you would have been my best. I would have been like, that's the most genius shit ever. I only did it once because like just Vaseline feels better. Vaseline?

Let's talk about it. Let me ask you something. If you finish inside of the banana peel, does that make a banana cream pie? Hey-o! Yeah! Tell me,

what are you jealous? I just booked something else, guys. That's why he's hired by the best. I just booked another thing. Wait, you just said Vaseline, which is something I've talked about before. It's thick. How are you masturbating with Vaseline? That's like a...

Once you start getting worked up, it becomes liquid. He doesn't actually have Vaseline. He's Iranian, so he just produces it. It's what we have. Slip-ban Vaseline. It just comes out of their pores. Are you talking about the Vaseline breaks down, or are you talking about pre-cum mixes with it? No, no, no. Alright, alright. It's got to... We the Vaseline breaks down or are you talking about pre-cum mixes with it? No, no, no. All right, all right. It's got to win. Brian said pre-cum.

No, stop. We're moving on. We're in the presence of ladies. No. Brian used the word pre-cum, so I'm pulling another name out of the bucket immediately. We're here together for Marty Wurst. Oh, stop. Don't show up, Marty Wurst.

You've just been blacklisted. We can't do that. We can't do that. We can't do that. We can't do that. It'll be the fourth time I've gotten over this. We can't do it, Matt. I love you so much.

Please, I love you. All right. Oh, guys, Matt's everyone, though. Wait, you've been blacklisted. Marty Wurst, you've been blacklisted. Not Matt Devlin. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Has anybody ever gone to the restroom or the little shelf?

Did you sign up, Daddy? Yeah, you can do it. I'll be right back. Yeah, by the way, let's just make note for future reference. If somebody gets blacklisted, we're not just gonna let somebody go up. Because then that will fucking happen all the time. Right. People just walk in. I love you so much, Matt, but... Trying to beat the system.

Nice. Uh-oh. Trying to beat the system. Nice. Oh my god, that's so crazy. Why is that there? Wait a second. That's so random. Pay your hands again for Rusty Haynes. Rusty Haynes. Thank you. God damn. This is nice. I'm in town from North Carolina. And come from a really conservative Christian family. And this is like my mom's nightmare that I'm going to make.

Like meet an Iranian patriot. And he's going to teach me the Islamic anthem. And I'm going to go home changed. So before we come out every time, she makes me go to church. And I don't do church anymore. It's different, though, than it was when I was a kid. Like we decided to go. Be nice. And it was a communion service.

And the preacher comes out and he says before we dispense communion I would like to let everyone know that we do have gluten-free wafers yeah gluten-free wafers for those of you that want to worship but are allergic to the body of Christ I found out this weekend and I like a low-calorie Jesus all right you guys that's my time you do it's your job yeah I like to ask if the body of Christ is gluten free in the context of another joke and you just you just answer that for me you've asked that question in one of your. My wife had a hole yesterday. Don't fucking take your ring off.

Good job. Relax. You have great stage presence, like immediately. Do you do comedy back home? Yes. How long have you been doing it for? About four. Where at?

Where at? North Carolina. What part? Raleigh. The sexy part? There is no other part. Yeah, there's Raleigh. Is that that brick building comedy club? Good Nights. Yeah, Good Nights. Yeah is no other part. Yeah, there's Raleigh. Is that that brick building comedy club?

Good Nights. Yeah, Good Nights. Yeah, that's my old club. That's cool. How many other local comedians are there? In Raleigh? Working comics? Well, I should put working in air quotes for myself.

I mean like the people that live there. That is pretty much performance. The people that do it regularly, that get work. I guess I would say about 30. You see the same the same group of guys and girls everywhere is the same group in Greensboro, Raleigh, Wilmington. They travel around. You find shitty one nighters. And then, you know, we run into Alex more at all.

Is that where he is? I'm not sure. I don't I don't believe so. Seven feet tall, 500 pounds. No, no. I would remember that. Do you do any Dane Cook impressions? No.

I do, I have an audition to play his younger brother. Yeah, God damn it. A little Dane Cookie. What were you going to say? You said you had an audition. No, I was being a smartass to play his younger brother. Does anybody have an audition to play Dane Cook's younger brother? That's what I'm saying.

One of these days. She's casting it, so we might have to. I'm just saying, he could make it in this town. He's good-looking. Nobody's even casting Dane Cook. Why would anybody be casting Dane Cook? I know, right? Yeah, that's the fucked-up thing.

Everybody started hating Dane Cook. Then I started doing comedy. It's like, shit, I'm blacklisted before I started. Maybe if Dane Cook had a hot younger brother, they would start casting Dane Cook. You think he's better looking than Dane Cook? You're out of control right now. Is he better looking than Dane Cook? You're out of control right now. Is he better looking than Dane Cook?

Yes. I didn't even have to say it. She did. You're saying he's better looking than Dane Cook? Yeah. Yeah, Dane Cook. From what I heard, I mean, I don't know anything. See, now I don't even care that my set didn't go well.

Hey, he's known to Leah. Solid point. That was a solid point. He doesn't have the hair for it. But Raleigh's a pretty metropolitan place, right? Because that's where the colleges are. Yeah, it's a solid point. That is a solid point. He doesn't have the hair for it. But Raleigh's a pretty, like, metropolitan place, right? Because that's where all the colleges are. Yeah, but it's relative. How come you don't talk about being married?

I do. I just had 60 seconds. I do more long-form stories, and the gluten-free joke is one of the quicker bits that I have, so I figured I'd come in and get it in and out. I thought it was good. It was a good joke. You a big Dane Cook fan?

I mean, I respect him. I like his early... Shit, I can't say that. I like his earlier stuff. I thought Retaliation was a great album. I thought Harmful As Fall was good. It was a good joke. You a big Dane Cook fan? I mean, I respect him. I like his early... Shit, I can't say that. I like his earlier stuff. I thought Retaliation was a great album. I thought Harmful Disfolios was great. I don't know his albums by name. Oh, my bad, didn't I?

But yeah, when I was in college... I really don't want to learn. You could just watch... When I was in college, I loved his stuff. You could just watch Louis C.K. and get it from the beginning. Yeah. All right.

But I will tell you this, is that, you know, you could avoid... All right. But I will tell you this, is that, you know, you could avoid, and I, you know, I'm not, it's an interesting note, but I mean, you could really avoid the Dane Cook thing probably by changing your hair immediately, right? Honestly, I didn't even think that. I mean, isn't that the thing? Is it the hair that does it? Yeah, you have the same amount of product that he wears in it.

I could tell that's a crew pomade, maybe. Did you guys think that about Dean Cook when he came out? You did? I did it when he was on stage. When I walked back, I saw it. I just was like, look at those biceps. You just have to repeat your punchline like four times. Maybe if I just animate myself a little bit more? Maybe more product, more animation, and then just pretend to be him. I don't want to talk about Dane Cook the whole time. But it seems like

we've gotten into this vicious circle. Yeah, Mr. I Don't Know His Album. Qualted fan. No, no, I love this circle because it inspired me.

I saw it in Youngstown, Ohio, before I moved out here and it showed me that I could totally come out here and make it because it was such dog shit that I'm like, fuck, look at this idiot dancing around. I can use my brain and do this. So you just came out here without your wife? No, she came with me.

She flew back this morning and then I'm gonna be in town for a few more days. She had to go back to work. What are you coming down for? Actually, I'm hoping to move out here. So I've come out every few months or so. And then once I find a day job where I can sustain her mandatory minimum level of living, then we'll transition. What does she do? She does sales support for a tech firm back home. It's a standard office job. So can she get a job?

She can. And I make more money than she does by day. So if we took her salary out here... What do you do by day? It's a typical sales job. I do government contracts, office products. Basically, I sell paperclips to the Army in North and South Carolina.

Wow, you're that guy? Pretty much. That's boring. Yeah, absolutely. So can you give us, like, can you give us, like, a little example of what you would say to pitch us to buy your paperclip rather than the

other paperclip? Like, can you give us just, like, 15 seconds of that? I'm a paperclip buyer. You know, when it comes to sales, I don't really sell it. I'm like, you know what, you can get... I just set it up for that, Stephanie. Tell me this blueprint. Honestly, you can get a paperclip anywhere you go. Everybody has them.

They're all the same, for the most part, the same price, same delivery. Everything works. It's a matter of, do you like me more than them? And so, if you want to buy it from me, great. We have it. They have it, too. I mean, it's your call. If you need me, then just, here's my card. That's it? That's your pitch? It's that simple.

Well, why would they like you? All you're saying is that he likes you for the pitch Because there's the contractions Because it's paperclips What the fuck am I going to make it sound like? This one has ridges Seriously, you need this paperclip in your life If you ever want to get your marriage back on track Do you sell any paperclips?

I mean it's just a product No, we have thousands of items Don't get mad at Tony, buddy We're all having fun The last thing I need is to wake up with you standing over me with a stapler. Look at all dang cookie. So, in the sales business,

all paper flips are created equal, but not all salesmen are created equal. Essentially. Hot. There it is. I think you might have a gig this weekend. Sell me some paper. Yeah, I can stay in town a gig this weekend. Tell me something. Yeah, I can stay in town a few more days.

Rub the clip. Period. It's good for Rusty Haynes, everybody. There you go. He's on Twitter, Rusty Haynes. He's not only Rusty Haynes. His name is really Rusty Haynes. Yeah, your parents knew something about you.

This kid's going to be a Rusty Haynes. I love it. Rusty. It is a tough name, right? Rusty Haynes? Yeah. Your parents knew something about you. This kid's going to be a Rusty Haynes. I love it. Rusty. It is a tough name, right? Rusty. North Carolina, though. That's where it is. Damn right, boy.

Let's name it Rusty. I mean, it's almost like people... That's my brother, Dusty Bottoms. Dusty Bottoms. What's another good one? You're from Texas, Steve. You must know a few Rustys, huh? I know a couple Rustys, yeah.

It's a real... Rusty Haynes, boy. It's a real Southern name. I'm like Dan Cutt with Southern. This is even shittier. This is the part of the show where we... He took that back. He's not... He was good. I thought he did a good job like that's my husband

patriot how you doing over there doing great having a great time how's your legs are you tired it's good you want to check your wounds later later when we're alone. Good job, Josh. Josh. By the way, if you heard that sound, that's Josh jumping into a grocery bag, everybody. Josh, come out of there! Where'd you go? It almost fell into a crate. This is totally like a little kitten. I'm having more fun with the audience.

Oh look, the kitten found a bottle of beer. You're like a man kitten. Joshy, how you doing? What's your favorite part of here? Step up to the Patriots mic for a second. What's your favorite part so far of tonight's episode? Can you stand on your tippy toes? The dance

sequence. Oh, you like that, huh? Maybe stand on the stage. Yeah, that'll help you. Don't tell me what to do. I'm comfortable right now. You're what now? Comfortable. Comfortable to what?

Com-for-feel. Yeah. Wow. I tried to bring it down in syllables. Can we get a look at those shoes? You know what Josh needs? He needs some wet sneakers by Nike. Yeah, for all you podcast listeners, the shoes are... Purple.

What would you call that, Josh? How would you describe those shoes? Purple and pink, though. They're blue. Bowling shoes. And they're Pharrell's. What are they called? They're Pharrell's.

And you guys are too poor to own them. What are Pharrell's? When you buy Pharrell's shoes, is that how you got your hat hair? That's a deep one. That was a reach, but it was quick. Sometimes, that's how you gotta write the diamonds, people. You gotta throw them out there, and sometimes nothing happens. Stop trying to kill

my time and let's get this going. Josh, wait. Come back and say it again smooth. If you're gonna say that shit... You're gonna try to kill some time, and we should probably just keep the you mean try to kill time? Tony does whatever he wants, guys What the fuck are you? Are you leaving a YouTube comment

In the middle of this episode right now? Like what the fuck? And also I just realized I left my Oreos on the table Those are Oreos Josh Martin, get back to your fucking Oreos This is the part of the show where we have two regulars to see us. Josh Martin, get back to your fucking Oreos. This is the part of the show where we have two regulars. Two regulars and two regulars only since the show started.

Every single week they do a brand new minute each week. Dude, I'm excited because I was here several months ago and you told me that they've gotten a lot better. And they were already good. They were already good when I saw them. It's always fun to see them add a new minute or at least try it out. It's always fun because they take chances.

And they have a place to do that here every single week on Kill Tony. Going first this week, you know her because her very first time on stage was on this show. After that, she dropped out of the University of Florida and decided to keep doing stand-up comedy. It's now been a year and a half. Every single week, a new minute. This week's new minute, right now. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Thank you. Tonight I want to talk about weird situations that we go through as humans, I guess.

You know, like that awkward moment where you're sitting at a light pretending you don't notice the starving homeless man walking by your car. It's always so weird because it's such a weird, raw moment in humanity because this man's starving and hungry and asking for your help, and I'm in the car like, oh my God, I love this fucking song. Nobody cares about them. There's lots of them. It's true.

I mean, you know, some of us care. There's just so many. They're like Armenians. They're everywhere. I felt bad up until I saw his sign. It said homeless vet. And I was like, oh, of course you're homeless. You're spending all your spare money on animals.

That's it. Fuck yeah, Armenian. You say Armenian once, an Armenian beetle juice appears. Sam Chiklany, everybody. He just appears. Somebody say Armenian? I watched him just materialize in the back of a taxi cab

on Sunset. Sam Tripoli, how you doing, bud? I heard some Armenian jokes. Fuck yeah. Kim, that was another fun new minute. Thank you. One thing that I noticed since we try to figure out how to make things maybe a little bit smoother is the word weird is a weird word in stand-up.

It's a hacky word? It's not even hacky. It just doesn't give your real feelings on it. You know what I mean? I feel like people use weird because they don't have other adjectives. Right. If you think of the next best adjective, however it makes you feel, it's just going to be better than the word weird. They always scare me.

Even uncomfortable. That's true. I'm always really scared. Because even though they just look weak and frail, they look like at any moment they're just going to freak out. Frightening is a fun word. I've got to say, man, you look like a professional comic. You took the mic stand. You you moved it you were confident the only thing I didn't like is the vet joke you're way smarter than that mm-hmm you know I mean

I did somebody say that to you already yeah we talked about yeah see what you know that I mean you know it for me the way you speak the things that you say are very intelligent so when you say that it's like that's not in your character to not know the fucking thing thank you thank you and one more note is if you're going to compare the homeless people at intersections to Armenians I would say that you could instead of saying you know there's a lot of them out here they're like Armenians you could, instead of saying, you know, there's a lot of them out here, they're like Armenians, you could say, there's a lot of them out here, and, or,

there's a lot of them out here, and they're not, it's not like that anywhere else. Like, when you move from anywhere else in the country, and you move to LA, all of a sudden you find out what Armenians are, pretty much. I would say that before the other part of the bit,. She said it after.

I like it better as the setup. What? Because she said the whole thing about, like, they come to your car and I like this song, and then she said the Armenian thing, and it's like, it would be better if that was part of the setup. They're everywhere. I would say Mexican, though. Or whatever.

You know what I mean? Because Mexican translates all over the country, because we're fucking everywhere. Right over the country because we're fucking right I could take Mexican to travel with me and use Armenian locally yeah that's exactly what you do yeah that's exactly how that Sam I just flew away on his carpet by the way I think thing he was gone because you can still smell the overwhelming cologne. Four different kinds he uses. It's the man shield that Armenians like to put on themselves because, God forbid, we smell how bad you smell. Hey, how do Iranians feel about Armenians?

You guys must just hate each other, right? You stink! No, you stink! Armenians just fucking hate everybody. No, seriously, you smell bad. No, you do! I think there is a lot of, like, hatred between, like, Afghans and Iranians and Armenians. No! I had a lot of

friends that were everything. You know, I try to keep it peace, but yeah, everybody wants to be, like, the one Middle Eastern group that's okay and hates the other ones. I think Mexicans are the same way too though, right? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guatemalans and El Salvadorians.

Don't throw me in the mix, guys. We're not out blowing shit up, okay? We just want to work. Juarez? Juarez, Mexico? Have you seen that? I also feel like we're kind of sick. Are we really getting into a real argument?

Did you really take that personal? We're comedians. You okay? I got bit earlier. I don't think you have to worry. I don't think your grandfather in Iran is listening to this podcast right now. He's dead. 72 virgins.

I didn't know that your grandfather was Michael Perkinson from earlier because he's dead too after killing himself That's the ghost of Michael Perkinson clapping at that joke behind you Are you doing road gigs at all? Yeah, I've done some stuff I've gone to a few places How many solid minutes do you think?

I think I can confidently do 15 to 20 I might have to take you on the road. That'd be great. That'd be great. Steve was one of the first people to take me on the road, and I learned a lot of the ways of the road that helped me get more road work with other people

and not be annoying on the road and stuff like that. Got put in jail. Yeah. You got put in jail? Got what they do. While Tony was on the road with me. Oh, yeah, that's right. Remember?

Oh, yeah. He took a fall at a Whataburger for me and Matt Edgar, because the sheriff of the Whataburger in Texas thought me and Matt were gay. These faggots! He goes, you two gotta get out of here. And we're like, all right.

And Steve's like, why do my friends have to go? And the cops, they really wouldn't give an answer. And Steve's like, man, this is fucking bullshit. And the cops are like, I can arrest you. Because you're friends with gays. It was basically that. Is that how America works? Oh, I mean, it was insane.

I go, you can't arrest me. You ever heard of the Bill of Rights? Yeah. It turned into this whole fucking thing. I can't arrest you. It was really like out of a fucking scary movie. A bad cop just being like you know what you two faggots get out of here i'm like no no no no i know how i look and i have a

joke about that i'm a comedian the best was on the way home so weird when i get a phone call from my buddy yeah and i my buddy calls me up and he's one of the cops too and he goes the fuck happened last night i go i have him on speaker tony and matter in the car and i go i go man i don't know what happened with that guy he goes well he said he were with a couple of faggots for kimberly collington everybody our one other regular doing a brand new minute every single week and doing a minute here tonight, bringing it together for the very funny Sarah Weinshie. Everybody, here she is. What's up? I like to judge people based on what they label their stuff. For example, if you're calling a vase a vase you're financially well off I just look

for bottles empty bottles to put my flowers into if you're wealthy and you need something to put your clothes in you're looking for an armoire I'm looking for a hutch. If you're calling a couch a sofa, fuck off. It's a couch. I also feel like labeling stuff can dictate how much money you're looking to spend. If you're trying to buy a sofa, you're financially well off. You're making a fucking investment. Okay.

Yeah, but if you're buying a couch, you're just looking on Craigslist. Yeah. The laundry basket thing, I think a lot of us were just like, what the fuck's a h were like what the fuck's a hutch uh i don't know what a hutch was i would say i would say maybe the floor or uh or a bag or something yeah yeah a hutch it's like i'm looking for a hutch like something to throw shit in yeah really what's an arm you're financially i thought you were gonna's an armoire? You're financially off. I thought you were going to say dress. An armoire sounds almost the same as a hutch. It seems like rich people would have hutches. You could even say, I would just like to have a hanger.

Yeah, that's better. You know what I mean? Or a hook. Or a hook. There you go. Very funny new minute. You had everybody from the beginning with your what's up um so much fun that's you know she sort of does that she do you have you guys hang out together a lot me and kim yeah yeah you guys

dress very similar yeah i was gonna say did tony tell you guys to wear the same cut dress right yeah it's all three of you you're wearing the same fucking thing how dare you the boots mine's striped but not the same tights yeah girl comics have swag yeah we're trying yeah you know but that happens when you hang out with somebody a lot in comedy you kind of pick up like them as well well like i don't feel like kim's channeling me or i'm channeling no but you guys dress very similar yeah yeah like i i hang around with uh red van and steve and and all of a sudden I started wearing XXL t-shirts and it happens quick you just start dressing like a friend

where's your hat Sarah we're gonna wrap it up this is the end of the show Princess Shank on Twitter Kimberly Coggins they did it again Hormoz Rashidi H at Hormoz Rashidi. H-O-R-M-O-Z-R-A-S-H-I-D-I.

Mr. Steve Trichini on Twitter. Anything else coming up you want to promote? You know, my special relatable is on Netflix, and my podcast is called The Process. I love it. Listen to everything Steve. For me? Stephanie Simbari.

I'm at Steph Sambari. You can watch me on the Oxygen Network on April 7th on Funny Girls. April 7th. Funny Girls. Subscribe to my podcast at That's So Retrograde. Subscribe to that. Thank you. Follow her on Twitter. It's Steph Sambari. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe.

We did it again. Come see me in Dallas this Friday and watch the Bieber roast. Sure. Enjoy my jokes. Death Squad show's coming up including Kill Tony 100 live here in the main room April 14th. That's the 100th episode of the show you just

saw everybody. That's happening next month in the main room in front of 400 happy people just like you guys. Brian? 420, me and Tony are going to be in Vancouver and May 12th we are going to be in Vancouver. And May 12th, we're going to be in San Francisco. And May 13th, we'll be in Sacramento. See ya. Bye, guys.

Thank you, live audience. I love you. Thank you.