KILL TONY - KILL TONY #99

Episode Date: May 12, 2015

David Arquette, Doug Benson, Matt Braunger, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 03/31/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Tomorrow, May 12th, me and Tony Hinchcliffe are going to be in San Francisco. Fuck yeah, punchline in San Francisco. One show only, so get your tickets, please come out. If we get a lot of people to come out, then we'll keep on coming to San Francisco on a more regular basis. So it's kind of like a test to come out. And then the following day, me and Tony Hinchcliffe will be in Sacramento at the punchline.

Same thing, guys. One show only. Come out to Sacramento. If you want to start bringing Death Squad back on the reg, make sure you come out, bring a ton of friends, fill that fucking place up. So May 12th, San Francisco, which is a Tuesday. May 13th, Wednesday,, which is a Tuesday. May 13th, Wednesday, we'll be in Sacramento. Don't forget to check out Kill Tony every Monday at the Ice, or I mean,

at the Comedy Store. It's a free show, 8 p.m. And then at the Ice House every Friday, we have a comedy show, Death Squad comedy show, 10 p.m. All right, guys, don't forget to check out shopsquad.tv. We're going to have a huge clearance sale there very soon. And don't forget tonyhingecliff.com. And now, here is one of the most insane, intense, crazy as fuck episodes. I mean, after this episode of Kill Tony, I really thought that this was going to be on TMZ the next morning. This is how crazy this is. Wow. Wow.

Check it out. A brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. What? Oh my goodness. It's the last time we ever move this show from a Monday to a Tuesday. I know, right? Look at this half-fucked room. Yeah.

What did we do, Brian? We had all the momentum in the world. This place has been packed to the gills. Now it's just the best of audience. Because everyone watched that amazing fucking show last night on TV. Bieber roast, everybody. It happened. Thank you.

Yes, I'm one of the writers for that for a while now. And I had a really, really, really, really, really big night last night. I got to help out a lot of really cool people. Special shout-out to my girl Martha Stewart, who, really, really big night last night. Got to help out a lot of really cool people. Special shout out to my girl Martha Stewart who once again, I mean I was there when she crushed live in person but to see it on TV while edited, I mean wow. What a work of art.

Turns out that my evil brain with Martha Stewart's sweet delivery makes for one hell of a fucking roaster. So that was fun. Were most of those jokes yours? Yeah. Oh, that's great, man. She's so much fun to work with. Everything that I threw

at her, normally, you know, they have to tone it down because I'm a freak. But she loved it. She was just into it. She got it. And we went with it. She crushed. It was one of those things where the only part that she, you know, one of the things is like,

she's trying to make people's lives better, is her overall message throughout the roast. And at one of them she goes, Ludacris, you have three different kids from three different women. May I suggest pulling out sometime and finishing on some highly absorbent Martha Stewart brand linens? One of the notes when I talked to her on the phone a few days before was, does it have to be Martha Stewart brand linens? She had no problem telling him to pull out and blow a load on linens,

but she didn't know whether it should be her brand of linens or not, which is really interesting. I also shot my first ever one- hour special, guys. That's actually going to be something. I warned you about that. I didn't give too much notice of it before, but I did it, and it was fucking crazy. Probably, I don't know,

it was like not fucking for eight years, and then all of a sudden you just blow this big nasty load against a wall, and it was just beautiful. I mean, there's no other real way to describe it. It was just so much pent-up fucking art all at once, and I have to give myself credit. I fucking killed.

And all in one steady cam, slow-moving shot. Who's going to buy it? We don't know. The Weather Channel. David Arquette sounds like he wants to, everybody. Let's get this puppy started. Our one and only sponsor, the great, great Elise Lane. She's sitting right over there.

Tonight she made a sausage and pepper grinder with homemade mild Italian sausage and caramelized pepper and onions. Oh my fucking God. I got vegan Italian sausage. Fucking awesome. Unbelievable. It's packed full of cum and buttholes. Yep, that's what it is. It's made of cum and buttholes.

That's what vegan sausage is made of. You're right. Because that's not living thing stuff. Anyway, what was the other thing? I guess that's it. Yeah, one shot. Look out. Why shot a special?

Oh, it was great. You did such a good job. And it was so stressful because the whole camera followed you from the outside all the way in and it just stressed me out. I was with Jamie and we just couldn't take it. We had to hide from it. I love it.

It was stressful. I'm glad that out of the three of us, you two were scared and I wasn't because that would have fucked me up. Being scared is not really an option. It had to feel good, though, when you got off stage and you were like, holy shit, it worked. Yeah, it really was. The most nervous I was the entire day or night in the whole hour on stage out of everything was when I finally made it outside and I go, did you guys get it? That moment right there.

We forgot to put the SD card in. Oh my God. Even though it's all really big deal stuff, there's still that part of me that's so used to just making YouTube videos or something that it's like, tell me you got the shot. Anyway, fuck it, we did it.

So there you go. Elise Lane is on Twitter at Elise Lane. She's the girl with the pan. She's our only sponsor. Normally, this is the part where Pat Reagan would play a song. We bring Pat Reagan up to be the co-host. He actually has a Montreal Just for Life showcase tonight, so let's root for Pat Reagan, everybody.

We have him in our hearts. Oh, there he is. He's still here. Oh, yeah. You remember him from earlier, the amazing arts and stylings of Pat Reagan, and we're going to have him back next week in the co-host spot because I love Pat Reagan. We love Pat Reagan. He's onings of Pat Reagan. We're going to have him back next week in the co-host spot because I love Pat Reagan. We love Pat Reagan. He's on Twitter at Patty

Reagan. But this week, we're going to do something a little different. We're going to have no co-host for a minute, and then we're going to bring one up in a second after he does 60 seconds. But before we get to that, your two guests tonight, I always bring you two of my funniest friends. I try to match them up just perfectly. This is one of those nights

you lucky fucks. It's insane. These guys probably haven't seen a not completely packed room in decades. Put your hands together for two of my funniest friends, two of the best comedians in the world right now. It's Matt Bronger and Doug Benson, everybody. Wow.

Wow. Holy moly. Here they are. They've both done this show numerous times. They love it. They're back. Their mic volumes are up all the way. Fuck yeah. Here we go with my mic.

Loud is better than nothing. Here we go. Get that mic going. Come on, microphone. Oh, microphone. There it is. We got a mic. It finally worked, and then he broke it. I like to be one of those edgy comedians that does the mic drop before he said anything cool.

Well, you're one for one on that. It's a power move. It's a power move. How you guys doing? Bronger, welcome back. I'm chilling, man. Thanks for having me. Good to be back.

Killed Tony. Fuck yeah. Yeah, it is. Very exciting. Did you guys get food? Did you guys get your grinders from Elise Lane? What? Oh.

We're getting ours to go. I'm sorry. I just, the word grinder, you threw me off for a second there. I got excited. You thought it was a sexual euphemism. I thought she brought, no, I thought she brought some grinders for my weed. Yeah. Right.

But it's grinders for my mouth. That's right. Yeah. Whoa. We got Roger Rabbit in the audience. You guys have been on this show. We know you. We love you. People that watch and are obsessed with this show are the biggest stand-up comedy

fans in the world because they love watching comedians watching comedy. That's what this show is. And we talk to them after they do 60 seconds of material. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Better wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Oh, my God. That fucking gunshot is so annoying. I don't know why that has to be part of it. It's almost like... A right to bear arms. Thanks, guys. Thanks, everybody. Whoa, Bronger's already bringing it.

I do it for a living. Jeez, I can barely bear it. Anyway, barely bear? Guys, let's fucking do this. We have a special thing that we're doing tonight where this comedian that's going on first doing 60 seconds is then going to be the co-host for the rest of the show so we're going to have some fun

with this he is an extremely good friend awesome guy you know him, you love him your first comedian doing 60 seconds tonight it's the one and only David Arquette here he is, live in the flesh or Roger Rabbit the one and only David Arquette, everybody. Here he is, live in the flesh.

Or Roger Rabbit. I'm there with Roger Rabbit. Nickname. Okay, here we go. Thank you, Tony. Thank you all for being here. It's a whole crazy game going on, and we're all connected to it all.

And we're all the greatest people in our whole world. And don't let anybody tell you different. Okay? You with me? So we're all in this together. So we want to be as cool as we fucking can be. You know what I mean? We don't want to fucking, at least in this room, I hope, we're not rapists, murderers,

like fucking killers, the co-pilot that wants to kill fucking 100 and plus people. Like we're not, God bless those people, too. We want them on our side, so we're all the cool fucking people running this shit, right? Are you in on this with me or not? Okay? I don't have any jokes. I have

a couple jokes, but they're not so good. I mean, Jay-Z wrote 99 Problems, right? That was before he met Beyonce and had Blue Ivy. I think he's got 101 Problems now. I'm just saying. I'm sorry.

Worst joke I ever wrote? You know the hardest job in the world? Being a woman and having a baby. Second hardest job? Being the man with that woman. I'm sorry. It's not pretty. It's an ugly joke. Those are my jokes. But aside from that, I'm not good at jokes.

I'm looking for your help on this. But we're all in this together. Let's have more motherfucking fun than not, right? Are you with me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're going to do this all together? Right now? Can we all say it right now? We're going to do this all together? Right now? Okay, can we all say it right now?

We're going to do this, right? Okay, let's do this. What's happening? Oh, no. Love, it's all about love. Oh, okay. David Arquette with a big closer. He closed with pyrotechnics. Man, it wasn't since Kevin Hart's last special

that I saw pyro at the end of a stand-up special. Did he set a tube of glue on fire? I didn't see what happened. I had no idea that cocaine was flammable. That was really awesome. Why did you waste it? Let's hear it for Pat Regan earlier tonight. Yeah, Pat Regan.

Double shout out to Pat Regan. No, the company Bob Dylan. I'm giving him that. I agree with that completely. What was that, by the way, that thing? You can get it at the Magic Apple in the Valley. The Magic Apple. You can also get flammable money.

It's very expensive. Really? Really? That stuff that you just lit on fire is very expensive? No. Oh, I see. Fuck yeah. It'll be a dollar you can light on fire,

and it'll probably cost you six bucks, you know? Yeah. It was a fun way to end your set. It was, you know, like, why... Oh, thanks. You don't have to end with, like, a big joke if you can light a tube of glue on fire in front of everybody.

Because people are a little worried about you, like, what's he going to do with that? Can someone overdose on glue in front of an audience? My favorite part actually wasn't the tube of glue, though. My favorite part was that after about 30 seconds of being positive, that's when he said that he wasn't going to do any jokes.

That was the big laugh. And then he did 35 seconds of jokes right after that. It was all set up. And you notice that's one thing about comedy. The moment you just have a moment of quiet honesty, it kills. You know what I mean?

Like when you just add up jokes, it's just like, aha, there you go. That was great. You know? Like it was a great moment. Yeah, that's fine. But I did worry. No, no. When you took the glue out, I thought you were just going to sniff it.

Like that was going to be your closer. Like sniff, sniff, and then walk off. And I was like, Jesus Christ, man. At least use a paper bag, right? Come on. We all went to high school. Are you ticklish? I am.

I knew it. David, talk into the mic with us. Will you sit the listeners in here? All I got to say, if any of you die, don't worry about going to the light. Go to the laughter. David, I love you. Stay by the mic. Why do you keep running away from the mic? Get back to the light, go to the laughter. David, I love you. Stay by the mic.

Why do you keep running away from the mic? Get back to the mic. He's dropping it. He's dropping it but leaving it politely in the stand. Yeah. He kind of like lightly dances away. I don't want to hurt nobody. So he has a little side shoe with his hands. Side shoe?

So the material that you're working out tonight, what is this for? Is this for like a, what are you, are you giving a speech or something? You got anything coming up? What's going on?

We're all in the same game together. Okay. Are you preparing material to do an attempt? You're running for office. Is this whistle stop material you're doing right now? You have a really positive message you want to put out there, though, it sounds like. Absolutely.

Yeah, I certainly hope that nobody in here is a rapist or a pedophile. I think we all agree with that. It'd be weird if someone raised their hand, too. Right. They're like, I've got to admit, out. I can't relate to this. Yeah.

So, David, what else is happening? The singularity. Right? You know that whole thing? Yeah. Pat was saying about it, right? Huh? Yeah. So we have to make sure whoever's in control of the robots when they take over

that they're cool fucking robots. I am so excited. I am so excited that you're going to be the co-host for the rest of this show. David Arquette, go sit on that stool over there. We're going to talk to comedians on that stool right there. Yeah, that mic is yours. No, that stool. That one. That one.

Do you want to wear the Iron Man costume? Do we have an Iron Man costume? Sit on the stool. We just do a regular co-host now. We just saw you just be you. You just didn't come prepared, man. You don't have to sit on if you don't want to tell me I would have brought my own costume. I love it. David's a real Isaac Hayes originally

shaft worn concert costume. I got that in my closet. I bring that to kill Tony anyway. All right. We'll see you on Monday. Word up. David Arc is shaft. That'd be amazing. You could be a member of Pat's band.

It could be Reagan and the Arquettes or something like that. Yeah, I'd do anything. I'd love it. Let's do it. Well, David, you've been on the show a few times. You know what it is. We're going to talk to comedians after they do 60 seconds uninterrupted. You can't talk during the 60 seconds.

But when they're done, we're going to talk to them about anything. You guys ready for this shit or what? Let's do it. As always, a lot of comedians signed up for the chance tonight. Here we go. Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Bud Galloway. Bud Galloway!

Boom, boom! God, I fucking love David Arquette, man. comedian tonight goes by the name of Bud Galloway. Bud Galloway! Boom, boom! God, I fucking love David Arquette, man. Fuck. I have a female roommate, and it's just so hard getting rent out of her, you know? Especially when I don't pull out

and rent all over her chest. She pays rent and ejaculate. Well, I had a life or death situation today. It wasn't today. It was like three weeks ago. Now I know for sure I'm not Jason Statham. I was taking a left on Fountain, and I had to cross traffic. I was in a hurry. I just had to Jason Statham that shit and just guess and go. And I guessed wrong, and a sound came out of me I've never heard before. It was kind of deep, kind of low, kind of like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Like, what the fuck was that? Realized it was the sound of masculinity leaving the body. He even talked to me afterwards. He's like, oh, no, man, that was too dainty for me. I got to go. Like, where are you going, masculinity? Like, well, I've always... That's how it happens.

That second sound comes so fast. Yeah, it does. Why have the warning sound if the next one is immediate? You light him in a minute and then light him again in a minute and one second. That's how the clubs do it generally. Bud Galloway. How's it going, man? It's alright.

You've been on the show before, right? I have. What have I told you before? What do you remember? What are highlights from other times? You said my oxymoron joke. You could just see it coming. Not about specific jokes. Not about jokes? Yeah.

Well, I kind of lied to you last time I told you I was a landscaper. I don't know why I said that. I mean, I sort of do that once a week. Do you lie about landscaping on the... Yeah, I know. Wow. See, I didn't know where I was going when I started this line of questions, but I'm glad

I got here. I think if you do it once a week, you're a landscaper. You're landscaping once a week. Do you have a lawn or anything like that? No. You're really aggressive about that. When you're saying landscaping, do you just pick up a leaf or something?

No, I worked for a guy like twice in that last week that I... I just thought that you would say the word ejaculate in a way that made everyone uncomfortable. Really? That's the thing that stood out for me. Because you said it twice and both times it was like ejaculate. The only thing that stood out for me is because you said it twice and both times it was like ejaculate. It seemed very professorial or scientific as opposed to a comedian, you know. So that was the only thing that really stood out to me, though. I mean, you clearly are able to stand in front of people and stand your ground and say stuff and get laughs.

How long have you been doing it, bud? Yeah, you got some laughs. I mean, they're kind of for throwaway things. They were like kind of commenting on how the previous thing didn't work. But a laugh's a laugh, though. But that's how you got to do it. That's what it's about. A laugh's a laugh, David Arquette!

God damn it. Don't turn it. The first joke you said, you said something about pulling, it's hard for you to pull rent money out of your roommate. Hard to get rent out of her. I thought you were going to say

pull out like she is a stripper. No, no, no. Is this where the joke starts from? You have a roommate that's a lady. She's a lady. Yeah, she's a stripper. No, no, no. I'm pulling out money out of her. Is this where the joke starts from? You have a roommate that's a lady. She's a lady? Yeah, and she's paying you rent. Right. But you're not fucking her, so you won't want to.

No, no, no. Well, I'm trying to get rent out of her. Right. And it's really hard. And she's not paying up, so then at least we get a hookup? Well, she pays rent by me having sex with her. Is that true? Right, that's what I'm talking about.

That just sounds so sad. That's how gay people are. There's nothing sad about that. There's nothing sad about it. Hollywood, I can't. I'm having money. As long as they're amazed that you're not fucking somebody's life up.

Is this thing about you hooking up with... By the way, can I... Do you know that the rules don't necessarily apply? I need a translator. Does anybody here speak Arquette? Alright. From what I'm seeing, this looks like the worst episode of MTV's Unplugged

ever recorded. Like, get your guitars out and let's go. It's more like Unhugged. I'll play a song. Unhugged, guys. All right. Maybe we should take that stool away if people are going to sit down like that. It's too comfortable.

For him? Yeah. Stand up. Yeah, you can't sit down like that while you're being critiqued. He didn't wrap it up at the end. Boom. Arquette's still blasting you from right field over there. He didn't even close properly.

But stick with me over here. How you doing? Are you really hooking up with your roommate? I mean, when I had a female roommate, yeah. She didn't pay rent. She would come in and try to give me massages. Was this a prostitute that you had living there?

She was probably, yeah. Is she ugly? She wasn't a prostitute. Wait, wait, wait. Are you lying? Is this one of your landscape? No, I swear. Her name's Bernadette. Yeah, he actually lives there. Bernadette!

All right. If I have another daughter, I'm going to name her Bernadette Arquette. All right. Oh, my God. This is a circus. David. The show is so bad. David Arquette.

I don't know if anybody fell down, David. So glad. Hey, David. David, I want you to listen to this question I have for this young man. Have you ever pretended to be a high school student and got a girlfriend in that high school while you were there as a 26-year-old man? Because David Arquette has done that in a film called Never Been Kissed, and I think we need to make this all about him.

I agree. It's all about you and your world, baby, baby. It's all about all of us and us. Holy shit. I'm here for you. Look at him go. I'm here for you. I'm here for you.

At least Lane put acid in all of our food today. Okay, bud. But only one of us ate the food. Bud. Yes. So now you're single? Yeah. How's that going for you?

You live by yourself now? No, I live with four. There's two guys in the living room. And it's a two-bedroom. We have four people. Four girls is a better joke. Four girls. Four girls is a better joke. What? Four girls.

Four bitches. Wait, wait. He's right. Actually, David's on to something. Wait, I think I got this. Hold on a second. I might be completely wrong, but I think what David's saying is that if he does that one thing the way that he did it,

and then he talks about, you know, but if he says it like it was in the past, and then now he says, now he lives with four people, I think David's saying that it's a lot harder to blow a load on four people at one time. That's right. And if you could figure out the wording of that, bud. Okay. Maybe you'll get something out of it. Yeah, you do all the work on that, but he really gave you a nice starting point.

It's true. Sorry. Sorry. I'm starting to figure out this David Arquette thing, I think. This is like if Jerry gave one of his kids a microphone during the telethon and said, just chime in whenever you feel like it. If one of those kids created a hit show called Cougar Town, hello. Oh, nothing on that?

You guys didn't know that? All right, fuck it. Bud. Bill Lawrence. All right. Special shout out. Bud. Bill Lawrence. Alright. Special shout out. Bud. Yes. Anything else you want to say to us? Matt, what do you think about Bud? Any final thoughts?

I think he had a genuine perspective. I think he's just got to define it more. To be real specific with you. Just paint the scenario a little clearer. I think the thing you said about your masculinity leaving your body, become that masculinity. Show it in your body and your voice, like taking off like a cowboy or whatever.

We've all had that feeling where all of a sudden one of your voice breaks or you puss out on something. Just own it a little more. It's a funny idea. Fuck yeah, Bud Galloway. There he goes, everybody. He's on Twitter at the G Bud. That's what it looks like. That's a funny idea. Fuck yeah. Bud Galloway. There you go, buddy. He's on Twitter at the G Bud. That's what it looks like. That's your first comedian of the night.

Can I say one thing? Jizz on them. Jizz on the crowd like you do with comedy and love. Let me break that down for you. Jizz on the crowd like you do comedy and love. Like the Nickelback song. I'm sorry.

We know this young lady. Put your hands together for the comedy stylings of Sarah Kenny. Like You Do, Comedy and Love. Like the Nickelback song. Yes. I'm sorry. We know this young lady. Put your hands together for the comedy stylings of Sarah Kenny. So I was interviewing for this job at SeaWorld, and the woman asked me if I would be comfortable stimulating the male whales for their breeding program. And I was like, comfortable? That's why I applied for the job. So I remember being at SeaWorld as a little girl

and seeing those whales in their tanks and thinking, one day I'm going to rape the shit out of one of those. I'm going to get paid for it. So I got arrested. So good news, not all cops are racist. That's kind of comforting. And while I was sitting there in the police station, the cop asked me if I'd been arrested before. And when I said no, he got kind of annoyed. He's like, well, that's too bad. This would go a lot faster if we had you in the system already. I've been breaking the law since I was 15, so whose fault is that?

And then he was overseeing this woman who was entering my information into the computer, and he points to the screen, and he denies gang affiliation without even asking me. So I guess he hasn't heard of the University of Chicago Alumni Club.

Yeah. Yeah, Sarah Kenny. Always fun. Got that in fast after the meow before the other fucking grizzly came in. Did you really get arrested? I did. Prostitution, right? You got it.

Really? No. The joke would have been about getting arrested for prostitution if that was what happened. What do you get in trouble for? It was really, really stupid. It was, I brought my bike on a commuter train outside of Chicago during Lollapalooza when apparently bikes are not allowed. of Chicago during Lollapalooza when apparently bikes are not allowed. And

so on my way out, they let me bring it on, and then when I was trying to get back into the city, they tried to deny me access. And I argued a little, but I wasn't like, you know, crazy or violent about it, but apparently the conductor didn't like the way that we interacted, so he called

ahead downtown and told them to ambush me when I got off the train. Wow. Jeez, oh man. Yeah, it was really crazy. Did you spend the night or did they just book you and let you out?

No, I was in the cage all night. Oh boy. So that guy didn't respond well to you saying, go fuck yourself, I'm bringing this bike on this goddamn train. I didn't say that.

Fuck your bus. And it's Lollapalooza, too. So all the people that are being brought to the jail that night are all people who are trying to get a bicycle into the city of Chicago. Lollapalooza is a festival of bringing

bikes on buses. It's illegal in Chicago. I get off the train and he's shouting, cover, cover. And I'm, like, looking all around, like, I wonder who he's yelling about. Who is this for? Wow. Oh, me.

Cuff me. What did they do with your bicycle? They locked it up, and then I, yeah. Went to bike jail. There's a special bike jail. This is just an important lesson that you should get a concealed carry license for your bicycle. If I'd put it under my shirt or something.

Were you living in Chicago at the time or did you bicycle to Lollapalooza? I was. I was living in Chicago. And it was really bad timing because I was interviewing for jobs here and in Chicago. And so having an arrest on your background check

isn't really bad. And what having an arrest on your background check isn't really a good idea. What did they call the actual arrest? Because I've never heard of craziness with a bicycle before. Yeah. No, it was like trespassing. It was called criminal trespassing.

I feel like we're not getting the whole real story here. I don't know. You'll get the job if on the interview you go, I got... David! She's a train hooker. All she needs to get is your mugshot.

You need to blow it up and put it in your house. You got arrested at Lollapalooza for trying to smuggle a bike on the fucking pavement. I really had something great. I had something so good. I kept trying to say it, but we instead had to hear that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I don't know this fucking structure. It's all good. Just when somebody else starts talking, let them finish their joke and then see where it goes from there. I realize I'm a big, fat, loud mouth very recently. So I understand. It's good. It's like Howard.

You've been on Howard numerous times. You're one of the best Howard guests. It's just like that. I'm not arguing that he's entertaining. No. That's what I'm saying. It's very enjoyable. Oh, he so is.

So we're in this together. Let's have fun. Hell yeah, David. I don't know how much more flammable eyedrops you have left, but this party's just getting started. I hope you save some for the big close. I got something, baby, baby. I love it.

Kill Tony, and it ain't flammable, and it's saving. Sarah, you're one of the comedians that have been on the show, I feel like, four, five, six, seven times that I feel like is consistently getting stronger. You know what I mean? I feel like there's always more pops, at least in the minute that you're always doing on the show. I feel like there's been an evolution.

Have you been doing a lot of spots and having fun the last few months? I have, yeah. I've been going up pretty regularly at Flappers. There you go. A little ringing pretty regularly at Flappers. There you go. A little ringing endorsement for Flappers. Just, you know, that's a great place to spread your wings. Chicken wings.

And laughter. Hell yeah. But yeah, you were clearly professional and confident and people laughed plenty of times. It was a good job. Yeah, very good. Great job.

That was real well put together. The whole thing was regimented great. You came out with... Okay, now some incoherence. Here we go. Sarah, you came out with... Yeah! Baby, baby.

Listen, this is my personal bit. All right, here we go. As a co-host, do I don't do this like you champs do? No, you totally do. I don't care. I don't care. What? You came out with jerking off a fucking wheel at SeaWorld.

You're my fucking hero. There you go. Fuck yeah. You got the Arquette. You got that shit. Fuck yeah. Pow, pow, pow. Boom.

Doggy. Oh, man. It's all happening. A live show, live, pow. Boom. Doggy. It's all happening. A live show, live streaming podcast. Anything can happen. Does Sarah have a Twitter address? Sarah can be found on Twitter at SKennyComedy. All one word, SKennyComedy. That's what that's like. We've

seen this young man before. Always a little spitfire. Put your hands together for Marcos Martinez. Ladies and gentlemen, here he comes. Let's do this. How's it going, guys? How's it going? I want to talk about baseball. It sucks.

It sucks. Luckily, luckily, Latin America got their hands on it. Right? Jose Abreu, Yones Cespedes, Yaciel Puig. I can't wait for them to get on the rules committee, start changing the game, right? The ball's going to get bigger, the bat's going to get smaller. You're going to be able to use your feet. And you know what you'll have?

A better sport. So my name's Marcos Martinez. I'm third generation Mexican. Third generation. Right? That means don't ask me about Mexico. I don't know. But if you want to know where to get the best guacamole,

Farmer Boys, guys. Make the trip. Make the trip, Farmer Boys. Hilarious. This is awesome. So here we are. Kill Tony. There you go. You made it through. I like the

closer. I like the closer. Just acknowledging that we're here. Fuck yeah. Well, Marcus? What's it like in Tijuana this time of year? I thought you said don't ask me about it. I just asked you

after you told me not to. I thought I'd be yelled at. Instead, you answered the question. Marcus, you're very anti-baseball. What happened? Baseball sucks. Did you ever play it as a kid? Yeah. And it sucked. How old are play it as a kid? Yeah, yeah, and it sucked. How old are you?

Okay, but what about baseball? You do know that David Arquette plays baseball and never been kissed, and he's quite good at it. You're hurting his feelings. You're really hurting his feelings right now. He's getting sat on his stool. There's a moment where he has a baseball bat in his hands defending himself in the hit movie Screen 2.

Deputy Dewey, everybody. How about that? Right? That's true. It's true. That's Deputy Dewey. Marcus, why was there such bad memories of baseballs as a kid? Was there a bat inside of you?

No, there wasn't a bat inside of me. But... No, it wasn't. Dumbest question ever asked. There's a bad inside of all of us in a way. Life is tough. And I slid into first base.

And I didn't make it. That's alright, player. Marcus. I like when a comedian just has a real strong opinion right off the bat. Like you said, you guys like baseball? It sucks. Even when the people in the room real strong opinion right off the bat. So I like your setup. Like, you guys like baseball?

It sucks. So, like, even when the people in the room were just like, I love baseball. And they're like, hey. It's still funny as shit. So I thought it was a good starter. Like, you got them, like, right away. I think that's a big thing in comedy. Just get people's attention, you know?

Yeah, here's another good opener. Nixon wasn't such a bad guy. Just go into that. Can I say something? Yes. When you brought that part up and you said you could change it into a different sport, I bet that's not myself. Like why? We're just baseball, football, basketball, soccer.

It happens. I thought he was going to name them all. We have super sports going on right now. With people that don't make the NBA, whatever the fuck. Curling. Let's make it more sexy and fun for everyone. Equestrian event. Fuck yeah.

No murders and pedophiles, but let's have figure skaters. There you go. David Arquette once again with a great point. Swimming. Why not? Why not? If sports are fun on their own. He said he's mixing sports,

you motherfuckers! Get on board! I've never had more trouble hosting a show before in my life. I swear to God, I've been hosting things for eight years here at the Comedy Store. And I just have to say it to vent it so that I can just move on afterwards.

What's happening right now is insanity. I wonder which element is making it the most difficult. A lot of it. A lot of it. Wait, wait, wait. It's me, isn't it? It's totally Matt. It's Matt Bronger, you guys. I'm sorry. Have you ever had to throw a guest out

like Matt Bronger before? That would be a good episode. I have no idea how this is. Can I look at some of the chat feed to see what people are actually saying? Like, how is this carrying to the rest of... Courtney Cox's ex-husband is stealing the show. Jesus Christ.

Oh, this is the best episode to watch live. What is this shit? Oh, now I'm afraid for the panel. Before he lights anything else on fire, you should locate the nearest emergency exit. What's up there? What's farther up that way? If you get it, I'll let you out.

Oh my god. It's so bad, everybody. It's so bad. This is great. I really liked your stage presence. I thought that you were very comfortable to watch. And at first I was going to get really pissed off because you were like, let's talk about baseball.

I'm like, fuck. No, I don't want to. But then you were like, it sucks. And it made me really happy as somebody that hates baseball. Has anybody ever told you? I hate baseball, man. It kind of sucks. that hates baseball. Has anybody ever told you? I hate baseball, man. I hate baseball! Marcos, has anybody ever told you that you look

like a giant nine-year-old? A giant nine-year-old? How old are you in real life? I'm 23. You're 23. Are you just saying that? No, I'm 23. You look like a big baby. Can you imagine him getting a little Oshkosh, you know, like overall type thing going on? His little booty.

Little booty, yeah. What kind of, are you single? What kind of chicks are you hooking up with looking the way that you look? Mexican girls. Yeah? The Latinas, they love me. Are you from LA? What do you do?

You hit all the quinceañeras. What? No, we don't go to the quinceañeras because they're young, right? Doug, they love me. Are you from LA? What do you do? Hit all the quinceañeras? What? No, we don't go to the quinceañeras because they're young, right? Doug, that's illegal. It's a joke. Bronger, come on. I'm just joking around, man. What?

I just laughed at something. Keep it down, Bronger. I'm sorry. When is the last time you hit a piñata? Honest question. I'm not even trying to be funny. I feel like it's been recently. Tell the truth.

Are your areolas brown or pink? They're brown. Can I say something? Wait a second. When did David Arquette start writing your things? Can I say something about piñatas? Oh shit. Finally. Somebody's something about piñatas? Oh shit. Finally. Somebody's got a piñata joke.

Oh yeah. I don't got a piñata joke. This whole shit. I don't care if I go tomorrow. We're all moths to the flame. You know what I mean? It don't fucking matter anymate. Don't think you're so fucking important. If you're in this stratosphere where you are

be the best person you can be. You know what I mean? Hold on, I got a piñata thing. Wait, that... Okay, let's equate the world to piñatas. And let's say there's just violence, right?

Violence is the world that we're living in now. ISIS has a really good fucking PR department. Love needs a better one. So if piñatas are violence of the world and it's hitting something crazy

and then fun shit comes out and everyone collects it, that's the world I want to live in. Boom! Oh yeah. Who doesn't want to live in a world where if you beat something, fun shit will come out. The only violence that exists is piñata style.

The only thing... Where nothing gets hurt. I was trying to agree with you before you interrupted me. I'm sorry, I'm an asshole. The only thing I disagree with... I'm an asshole. The one thing you said I disagree with

is that ISIS has a good PR department because they really don't. They're killing it right now, man. They're killing it. Wow. I tell you, this is a fucking love game. That's one way to describe what ISIS is doing. Jesus Christ.

This is what happens when you say piñata in front of David Arquette, everybody. Apologies to everyone sitting in the splash zone tonight. I'm serious. I've been working on my comedy thing for a long time. I don't know how to collect it. So just for those of you

paying attention in this episode, once again, the magical word of the night is pinata. There you go, everybody. So keep an eye on that. There it is. That's the sound we love. David's on a cut off.

He's on a personal cut off. I love that. He's cutting himself off. He gave himself a time out. A comedy store break. Guys, that's not a time out. He just needs to do another bump or something. I said a comedy store break, didn't I? That's a bump.

Let Popeye eat his spinach. He'll have another cocktail in his hand when he comes back, I'm sure. Oh my goodness. He's on fire. Let's all regroup. Everybody take a breath for a second, everybody. We've got to talk about this. We've got to plan this out because when he comes back, we have to

all work as a team and figure this out. It's amazing. What the fuck are you talking about? I said it's the hardest episode to host, but it's probably my favorite episode ever. There's nothing more entertaining than watching a continuous train crash. It's like watching a gif of a train crash because it's just happening over

and over again. Like every five seconds it's just, oh, fuck. We're almost there, but we're not. I just hope he doesn't come back sad. Do you know what I mean? Don't say that. Don't put that energy out there because he's so absorbed. You think he might be taking a long gander in the realization mirror right now?

Before coming back up here? I think he's just going to be more fucked up than ever. I think he's putting his nose next to the realization mirror. I don't know if he's looking at it. Marcos Martinez. Great job, dude. You're sticking with the fact that you're 23, huh? I am 23. All right. So how long

ago did you graduate high school? Four years ago. Four years ago, five years ago, six years ago. Whatever it was, if you're 23, that's not the most recent schooling I've had. Five years ago. All right. Well, later, Marcos. Anything else for Marcos guys? Good job man

Have fun Marcos Good job dude keep it going Marcos doesn't quit Marcos tweets at me a lot Sort of creeps me out This next comic either gets a sweet break In having David Arquette gone for their entire set Or the awful break of having a return in the middle of it

Whatever happens I know she can handle it kept gone for their entire set, or the awful break of having a return in the middle of it. Whatever happens, I know she can handle it. This is a Kill Tony favorite that we haven't gotten to see in quite a few weeks. Put your hands together for her. She's back. The powerful Jessica Wellington, everybody. One of the true Kill Tony favorites since her first time

on the show. Jessica Wellington, everyone. You guys ever realize when you're around different groups of friends that your mannerisms change? You know, so if I'm around my comedian friends, there's a lot of... If I'm around my gay friends, there's a lot more...

But then if I'm around my cool friends, it's a lot more subtle, you know, just. And then when I'm around black men, it's just a lot of. And I know that's a visual joke, but you can watch it. It's my favorite. And also, I got to give you guys a public service announcement. And this is a serious, to give you guys a public service announcement. And this is a serious, like, if you ever get hold of some really good black dick, you're forever going to be chasing that high. Like, at first I was like, nah, I can have a little bit and put it down. No.

Now if I don't get it, I start to get all itchy and sweaty. You know, it's bad. I'm addicted. It's so bad that I will suck a white dick just to get some black dick. There you go. Exactly a minute. Jessica Wellington. Always funny. Always a new minute. That routine reminds me. I know some black dick I could hook you up with. Oh, yeah. Get it? Then she'd have to... Anyway.

hook you up with. Oh, yeah. Get it? Then she'd have to, anyway. Bronger, you were just telling me the other day that you were itching

because you hadn't had black dick in a while. No, I had a black dick at one point and was cut off. I was born with two dicks. I have a black father. And yeah,

I was itching because it was gone. It was a phantom itch. Is that what you were talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Totally.

I didn't, I didn't... You just out improvised me on that one. I threw something at you and you over-responded so well that I couldn't even keep up. That was beautiful. Sometimes I throw a hand grenade when it comes to fencing. Yeah, exactly. You lose.

I thought your viewpoint was very, you know, direct and well-expressed and very funny, and you didn't, like, you had a lot of confidence, which was awesome. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, how's it been? You've been out for a little while.

I've missed you guys so much. You have no idea. I've been doing these competitions, which, you know, they're good. It's great. You meet people, but it's tiring. And it is. It, like, sucks it out of you.

It makes you think, what the fuck am I doing? Who am I? You know. It's all practice. Like, comedy competitions are the fucking worst. Like, it doesn't matter if you're – yeah, if you win, great. But if you place last, you've still got some stage time. So just look at it that way.

You know what I mean? You never don't learn on stage. Do you know what I'm saying? Exactly. So good for you for sticking it out. So that's what I've been on these past Mondays. Oh, I see. How have those been going for you?

Well, I keep making it to the semifinals or to the finals, and then that's it. That's what's happening. Well, that's fun. I think Mr. Arquette is returning because there's some hubbub in the room. The one, the only. I'm sorry he missed her set. Yo, we could go for a private session.

What? Fuck yeah. That'd be interesting to do a set for him out in the parking lot. Ready to go. David, do you have a black deck? Yeah, man. There you go, Jessica. do you have a black deck? Yeah, man. There you go, Jessica.

She's got an itch that you can scratch. Yeah, I got a black deck. I got a red deck. What kind of deck you need? Fuck yeah. I'll get it for you. David Arquette, dick dealer. Jessica, you have anything that you've always wanted to

ask David Arquette what's your problem man what's your secret that you're the greatest in the world and don't let anybody tell you different. Thank you. I will take that. That's his secret. That's the secret to it all. It's great that you guys met because all this time his secret has been that you're the greatest person in the world.

You are. And you finally ran into each other for the prophecy to be foretold and shared. It's all been one big storyline just for that to develop. Well, that's fun. What else did you talk about other than Black Dick?

That was the first thing. I usually say tic-tac after tic-tac when I do that because it's like whatever. You think I'm sucking dick but it's not. Oh, wow. It's like, whatever. You think I'm sucking dick, but it's not. Oh, wow. That's not... I can't believe...

Is that security? That is pretty amazing. I forgot I'm working security. Damn. David went for it, everybody. He went for it. You know how we established that piñata was a word earlier?

Piñata! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying tic-tac's a word for me too. So it's like, slowly they turn. Niagara Falls. Tic-tac, I might start freaking on somebody, I'm just saying. Oh shit, somebody said

piñata. Don't freak on anybody. Someone said tic-tac. The point of this show isn't to put young comedians through the paces of what it would be like if David Arquette were to freak attack you while you're trying to do... You never know when it's happening. Yeah. Well, not everybody can say that they've had him... Everybody that's waiting to come on now is terrified that they're going to get humped. I got to go get my black deck.

David, if you were here first set, you would know that she's into black guys, not white guys. But the joke is that I will suck a white dick just to get some black. Let's do it right now. All right. Both of you, save it for the Burger King restroom. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Now, at the end of your first joke, you were doing something with your hands. I couldn't see it. Could you do it again for me? All right, slower. Slower. Yeah. Oh, I see what you did there. I see what you did there.

She's sucking off that big microphone, Dick, and miming those balls. I love you as normal, as always. Would you like to do the Death Squad show Friday? Because I'd like to see you do it. Wow. Death Squad promotion. There's another show. That's how it happens.

I love that. My favorite thing in the world is when Brian does Brian Claus. Santa Brian. Santa Ban. I knew if I came with my good dick material that we would connect. I just needed to see it. You were like if the top of my head

to the side of my head looks like a wave crashing on the beach, I'm going to move on to a death squad show and it happened. Congratulations. The only catch Jessica is there's no black guys in Pasadena so Friday night you're going to have to figure something out. That's one of my favorite Beachway songs.

No black guys in Pasadena. On Passover. On Passover. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Arquette remix. That's my least favorite Beachway song. No, baby. I can't read that on time.

I meant least favorite when I said most favorite. Oh, David's train is here to pick him up? David, your train's here. The Polo Express wants to take you and the other children to a very special place. Jump on with the other Christmas children. Jessica Wellington, thank you so much. Jessica Wellington! Jessica's on Twitter at theduchess underscore 101 of the New Hampshire Wellingtons.

That is the duchess underscore 101, Jessica Wellington. David, you ever been with a big girl before? I love them. Anything – you always try to work one into rotation? Chef Elise, do you do a nice Wellington? Hey, I've lost five pounds I'm doing really good She lost five pounds

Yelling at us from off the stage Yo, if I was single I don't have a black deck But I'd go there And show you love He really just checked his pockets Before he said, I don't have a black deck Did he just ask if her father was single?

Is that what he said? Your father's single? Is that the first thing he said? I think so. This is the first ever podcast with subtitles that's ever been put out before. It's going to be out. If you have him on again, bring some masking tape. I am so glad I just pulled this name out of the bucket.

This is one of the goofiest, silliest motherfuckers that we've ever seen before. And every week he always brings it with his awkward timing and cadence and delivery. Put your hands together for one of my newer favorite people that I've seen recently. It's Michael Perkinson. Come on, Michael, Michael.

Here he is. Crush it, champion. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I got work to do. I got fucking work to do. Listen, guys, I fucked a tranny the other day on accident. Anybody here fuck a tranny on accident?

Just my sister. Sorry. Two things about fucking a tranny I want to tell you about. There's nothing worse than fucking a tranny, reaching around and grabbing a dick and knowing that it's bigger than yours, right?

Second one is, nothing says I fucked a tranny Like waking up with a terrible case of pink eye That bitch tried to steal my Triscuits Leave the Triscuits bitch Leave the fucking Get out of my car

Leave the fucking Triscuits Now to the jokes you little jackdaw Triscuits. Now to the jokes, you little jackdicks. One time my dad caught me jerking off. He said, hey, you keep doing that, you're going to last a lot longer than your peers and girls are going to like you. Keep it up.

Now get the fuck out of the front yard. People think you're fucking weird. Wow. Oh no! I just got the bear. That's good. It's okay, Michael. You got a little extra time because you kept your own applause break going for longer

by applauding with it halfway through the set in a maneuver that I've never seen anyone do before. He put the mic in the mic stand during an applause break and just took a step away and started clapping. He started clapping too. Like, why not keep this going? Therefore, increase the applause break

to another level. Yeah, just make yourself at home. Put your beer here and you know. You don't put your beer near the sword. Just come sit on the table, Michael. Thank you, Toby. Now, Michael, what happened? Whip your dick out like in the front yard. I love that this man

This man took advantage of an opportunity because he had a solid minute of solid material material about transsexual individuals

and performed it in front of arguably one of the most famous brothers of a transsexual in the world. So I think only what David thinks of that transsexual material matters. Transgender. Thank you. Transgender, I apologize. David, you want to party tonight? Yes!

No. Yo, yo. Oh, yeah. Oh, listen. This is a true story. I'm a wild cat. My girl. Wait, wait, wait.

We have a new baby. Wait, wait, wait. What did you just say? You're a what? Wild cat. Yeah. I'm really a wild dog. Yeah, yeah.

David, you don't have to tell people that after we've seen you for 45 minutes in a row. More dog than cat. Really a wild dog. David, you don't have to tell people that after we've seen you for 45 minutes in a row. More dog than cat. Listen, everybody. I'm a fucking maniac. Now, the point I'm trying to make... Guys, I'm a loose cannon. Wrong earth. Don't fuck around.

I'm going to explode in your face. Oh, wow. Okay. I guess that's the end of that round. My lady, when I was leaving today, she said, when are you going to be back? I said, 12 o'clock, like Cinderella.

So we can party. Which is ironic. I have an 1140 motherfucking 5 curfew. Nope, not tonight, Dave. It's me and you. Fucking dirty pussy, me and you. David, bring him home. I'm way past dirty pussy.

I was married for 13 years. I'm about to get married again. Stop it. David, stop it. Real motherfucking shit, bitches. David, are you really going to get married again? Yeah, baby, baby. I'm going to get married to the dream girl. That's why he's so fucked up right now. How old are you really going to get married again? Yeah, baby. Baby, I'm going to get married to another dream girl.

That's why he's so fucked up right now. How old are you, kid? I'm 29. Okay, cool. I'm 43. I've been married for 13 years. Before, I'm about to get married again for the rest of my life with the woman of my dreams. I'm so sorry.

Settle the fuck down. You should be lucky enough to meet an angel that does that to you, that loves you with all your heart. I'm just saying. David, you really think this next marriage is going to be for the rest of your life? Three weeks? I went into the first one thinking that. I'm going to go in the second one too.

If they don't leave me, I'll be with them for fucking ever. I'll take the other one. Drop the mic. No, no. They're burning our mic. It's the most expensive mic, David. Please don't drop it again.

Yo, but they do have to know that I'm a fucking crazy motherfucking individual. Well, then maybe we can get an honest answer to this question. But listen. What happened with Scream 3? answer to this question. But listen. What happened with Scream 3? I could tell you that on such

a level that would blow your fucking tits off. We could take three days to go through. Please blow off my tits, Dr. Arquette. Yo, but let me just say. What are you smoking? What is this thing he's smoking right now? I'm not hating on it. I did it on accident.

I didn't necessarily enjoy it, but I don't hate him. Yo, yo, yo. Alexis Arquette is the greatest ever. She was in The Wedding Singer. She played Boy George. Yes. Do you really want to hurt me? Not only,

she's one of the greatest artists of the planet. She might not be. What are you, her IMDb page? Yo, I think you're the greatest in your world. Bam! There you go, David. I think all of y'all are the greatest in your world. But Alexis is my fucking brother's sister.

So, come on. He comes up with a training job. We got to talk to this guy now. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm a loud mouth. I really am. I really am a fucking asshole sometimes. David. Take a breath. Take a sip of your drink for a second. Michael. Just say to yourself, David, I'm glad

this isn't being captured on film or on video. I'm glad the audio's not gonna exist from now on. David, I want you to listen to this story because Michael Perkinson this week told me that, and he's been crushing on this show for like two months in a row, and he told me this week, David, check it out, he told me this week that he's going to move back to Florida

and take a job as a bar manager and give up stand-up in L.A. Will you tell him? Can I tell you a 15-second? I'll see you in Pensacola. Can I open for you? I'll put you on for a few minutes. Boom. I can get up.

Okay, let's do this. Michael. Okay, he agrees. He just got five minutes on my show. There he goes. Sold out Pensacola, Florida. Michael. Quick trip. Gotta do it.

The other day, you sent me about seven text messages, or seven messages. I took them back. I thought I took them back. Damn it. You can't me about seven messages. I took them back. I thought I took them back. Damn it. You can't take back text messages. They were all within like ten minutes. And you started off how you were going to make an Indigo page to fund yourself living out here.

And then you said you don't have enough money to be here. And then you said, oh, fuck it, I'm leaving tonight. And then what happened? I have the gout. I just laid on it. Wait, wait, wait? I have the gout. Wait, wait, wait. What did you just say? I just got a pirate disease.

You have the gout? I don't mean that. I like you for having gout. The last time I talked to you, you said you didn't have the gout. My doctor demands it's gout because I'm fat. It triggers the big toe. And my big toe hurts like shit.

But you know what? I skateboard. I fell off my skateboard the other day, guys. Why don't you wear shoes then? You have sandals on. Fucking shoes, man. That's why you got gout. You're walking around sunset with AIDS feet.

Yeah, man. You're all gouted up, dude. And Michael, also also you can do Friday If you can get to the Ice House Yeah Wow That's two sets You son of a bitch I was gonna leave tomorrow

No no no I'm coming to the ice And I'm gonna fucking murder it He's gonna give you another gig For every weird melodyady you have. I like you, Doug Benson. He's the greatest. I'm the greatest Doug Benson.

Nobody. Except you if it's your world. Then you're the greatest. But Doug Benson is the greatest in his. And I'm the greatest in mine. And y'all are the greatest in y'all's. Mom, I should not have told you this is on your stream. David

Arquette found a way to fuck it up for me. I'm sorry, baby. That was not my purpose. No, it's okay, David. Here, I'll cheer you up. I really don't want to fuck his shit up. He's the greatest in his world. David, can I cheer you up, David? Yeah. Would it cheer you up if I said something like,

is he the happiest guy on the XTC right now? I'm not, but... Fuck this show. This is the classic. I feel like I'm podcasting on Tower 2. Yo, but if you come out with a tranny fucking joke, I may fucking game up, bitch. Live podcast on Tower 2. Yo, but if you come out with a tranny fucking joke, I may fucking game up, bitch. Live podcast from Tower 2

on the morning of September 11th. This is incredible. Well, a plane has hit a few stories below us, but I think we're going to be fine. We're just going to keep the show going and hopefully it keeps getting better. I really didn't try to talk with you. Michael.

I want to be a rapper. All right. Look, you got a gig with Doug. You got a gig at the Ice House. We're not going to help your rap career. Gin and juice, Red Band. Sipping on gin and juice. I have no idea what's even happening anymore.

Oh, he's asking him to play it? I swear to God, I feel like I'm on mushrooms right now. What is that you're smoking on? Is that just an e-cig? I lit it with my iPhone flashlight, like an e-cigarette with an e-light. Nobody caught it. I caught it. I think we all watched it and knew exactly what happened. I love all you guys!

Can we just be one? One string in the equilibrium of life, just vibrating through time? Wait, did you catch what Arquette had? Where? That was my... That was my premise. That was my That was my

premise. And then he's not even here. He just disappeared. He's wandering around looking for opportunities to harass people. There you go. Michael, we're going to see you Friday at the Ice House in Pensacola, Florida with Doug Benson.

Congratulations. All of that in one minute on Kill Tony. We'll see you there. I'm not going to remember this. That's how the magic happens. Thank you. One more thank you from Michael Perkinson. Vinyl in Pensacola. I feel like he's going to be

a movie star. It's in May. Isn't he so likable? Not if he goes back to Florida. He's just going to die there if he goes to Florida. That is true. Certain inevitable death. I mean, the kid's already got the gout. I know. Normally, you have to be in your 60s or 70s and a king to get the

gout. Very, very hard for a... All he eats is steak, and all he drinks is port wine, evidently. Well, it really is. All he drinks is beer, and all he eats is pure chicken, just big pieces of chicken, like a big leg and stuff. You said pure chicken. I thought you meant just raw chicken.

Yeah. That's horrific. Even if he eats them while they're alive. Well, I mean, you guys have a lot of friends that get the gout? I've had one, and he's a big guy like him. Yeah. But that's it. He's the only person I knew.

Scary. Did he make it through? Yeah, he's alive. He's good. Yeah. Yeah, but that's it. It's only person I knew scary. Did he make it through? Yeah, she's alive. Oh, yeah without a cow Joke of the night joke of the night pinata pinata pinata pinata, piñata, piñata, piñata, piñata. Park it. Oh, snap. How did I hear that whole joke?

I know, I know. I'm not used to hearing anyone's whole joke beginning or ending. It's weird being able to get out an entire thought. A joke or a thought, exactly. This has been really something else. I'm going to drink myself to a very special place after this. I wasn't going to drink tonight, but I'm on board. I'm starting no alcohol April tomorrow, so that's why I'm drinking

tonight. Can I get one more? Thank you, dude. I'll see you in May. Fun times. You usually did it February, didn't you? Or January? It moves around. It floats around. But this month, I decided to do it in April because on 420, I recorded an album in Denver, and I'm doing three shows.

And I thought it would be fun to not have alcohol be a part of it at all, just be completely high out of my mind on legal Colorado weed. Yeah, Comedy Works. Wow. That's awesome. One of my favorite comedy clubs in the world, Comedy Works Denver. When's that? It's nice. That place is incredible. April 20th, yeah Weed. Yeah, Comedy Works. Wow. That's awesome. One of my favorite comedy clubs in the world, Comedy Works Denver. When's that? It's nice.

Yeah, that place is incredible. April 20th, yeah. Wow. You already sold out for that? Like the 7.30 and 9.45 are sold out, so we added a 4.20 in the afternoon. It's a Monday. Well, there you go, everybody. Denver Comedy Works, one of the coolest places, one of the best comedy scenes anywhere.

Doug Benson, 4.20 weekend. Me and Tony will be in Vancouver 4.20. That's right. For the second year. That's a great comedy scenes anywhere. Doug Benson, 420 weekend. Me and Tony will be in Vancouver 420. That's right. That's a great place to be. Have you been there on 420? This is our second year in a row. I haven't, but that's great. It's so crazy.

They have this gigantic blowout at City Hall where it's just fucking heavy. With weed, selling weed, tons of weed everywhere. People throwing weed everywhere. Well, now that you've said that, the cops will probably show up. No, the cops are there. No, they're there. They're smoking weed. Guys, I'm doing a show to benefit the Children for Christ, the sobriety union. That's

happening in a couple weeks in Salt Lake City, Utah. You know, if you kids are tired of polluting your bodies with the sins of Satan, then come on down and we'll talk about what really counts. Speaking of the sins of Satan, welcome on down and we'll talk about what really counts. Speaking of the sins of Satan, welcome back David Arquette, ladies and gentlemen.

David Arquette is back. He's the only guy that gives himself commercial breaks. Satan for love. Fuck yeah. Satan for love. Think about it. Alright. Your next comedian goes by the name of Michael Gowdy. Michael.

All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Michael Gowdy. All right, Michael. Michael. Do you really want to marry me? Thank you, Michael. You're my favorite. Hell yeah. No one's greater than you.

I'll be back next week. This is too fucked up for me. Come on, Mikey. Michael Gowdy just quit. He just quit show business in the first ever move we've ever had out of 98 episodes on Kill Tony. He just got really scared. He had the most awkward hug ever with David Arquette. No, no, David, let him go.

Let him go. Let him go. If you really love something, you just fucking let it go. And I just absolutely love that guy. It comes back to you. It's some old Irish shit. That was very bizarre. What do you call that when somebody just doesn't want their spot?

That's a Larry David. That's a Larry David? He used to do that. Oh, really? Just go backstage and look at the crowd and go. That was my first marriage. He was famous for that. That's so random.

Yeah. I don't think he looked at the crowd as much as he looked to his right. Yeah. Good point, Doug. Looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Jabari Gale. Boom. All right. Yeah. Looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Jabari Gale. Boom. Come on, Jabari.

What's going on, y'all? Many of you guys might know me. Some of you guys might recognize me. I'm that black guy that dies in every scary movie. Listen, I was born with nine brothers and two sisters in the island of Jamaica.

The funny thing about it is that I always am under my brother's shoe. I had to wear everybody hand-me-downs, by the way. I said, Mommy, when I'm going to get my brother's shoe? She said, Jabari, don't worry about it. You're going to get it one day. Finally, Christmas came. I got my brother's shoe.

I said, Mommy, where I be to the other foot, though? She said, don't worry about it. You get it on your birthday. We ain't want to spoil you. The thing about it is that I had to get me a job as a bill collector. And when I got a job as a bill collector, it's very crazy how people try to get out of paying their bills. Like this one person named Tim Jones. Yes, this is Jabari Gale. I'm calling for Tim Jones. How you plan on paying this $20,000 that you owe us? This is Tim Jones. How may I help you? Tim Jones, didn't you not just hear me?

How are you going to pay for money? Tim Jones don't live here! Tim Jones don't live here! Okay, Jabari Gale. Fuck yeah. It's my first time seeing you. Tim Jones don't live here! How long have you been doing stand-up?

Tim Jones don't live here. Stick with me, Jabari. I know David Arquette's a powerful presence. Just stick it over here, buddy. You've got to nail it hard. You just hear him. You can't look at him. It's too much. If you do both, just stick with me, Jabari.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Stay in the pocket, buddy. Don't panic now. Don't pull a Michael Gowdy on me now and just run out of here. Two years. Two years. Where at? Miami.

Miami. How long have you been in L.A.? A year and a half. Really? Wow. How's that going for you? I like it. I love L.A.

Did you just come from your job as a ride operator at Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland? That's what that outfit looks like. That's a really specific reference, Doug. I'm sure you're 100% right, but without the Google image behind it. Hey, we can't all be eight-legged freaks. Am I right, David Arquette?

Hi-ho, hi-ho. It's off to work we go. Back to Pirates. Where was he when I needed him? Like a minute ago he could have done that. It would have been a great day. I couldn't come up with the fucking Pirate Caribbean song. I came up with the seven dwarves. Jabari, have you ever been this close to a celebrity like David Arquette?

Who gives a shit, man? It's okay, David. Just let it all happen. He's greater than me. Don't let anybody tell you different. All right. That's not true. That's not true, David. Bullshit. Kill Tony. You should really try to fuck Jessica Wellington tonight.

Yeah, she likes it. She's from Jamaica, so where's the girl? She's waiting in the bathroom for you. Where did she go? Be careful, though, because in the dark, she looks just like Michael Parkinson. So be careful. It happens quick. I don't know if the gout's an STD or not.

Oh, there he is. Michael Parkinson stood up for that one. Not easy to stand up when you're Michael Parkinson. And he did for that joke, and I appreciate that. Because of the gout, not because he's 400 pounds, guys. Anyway, Jabari, stick with me. How long have you been out of Jamaica? Wow.

Interesting. Doug and I were just in Jamaica. It's true. Yeah. It's like a few weeks ago. For a second there, I was like, we were? It was Port Doody. What? Yeah. Something like that. Port duty. What?

Yeah. Port duty. Something like that. Yeah, port duty. You said port duty. I said port duty. About two seconds later. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

I think we're finding another word. Sorry, port duty. Is duty one of your words, David? One of my early nicknames was poopy. The rattlesnake. Nobody knows that but Thomas Lumpstead. Hey, David, do you poop standing up? I mean, do you wipe standing up or sitting down?

Every situation, you have to deal with it in a different way. He has all the most positive answers to questions that don't even need a positive answer. Take it to personally. How do you wipe your ass? Take care of business. Every way is beautiful, man. Jabari, we're going to let you go. Anything for Jabari, guys?

Yeah, man. You got it across. I would just be a little bit more confident with your story. Because you're talking about your family, like something you know better than anybody would in the audience. Just tell them. You know what I mean? Tell them like they've been asking you about your family all day.

You know what I mean? Just get into it. That's all I'd say. Okay. Cool, cool, cool. Thank you. Good job, man. Good job.

Shabari, there he goes. That's how it happens. All worlds ahead of you, champion. Guys, David, you've been here before. You know what this is. This is the part of the show where we have only two regulars, and each of them do a brand-new minute every single week. It's always fun, always exciting to watch them grow

and work out a brand-new written and performed minute. single week. It's always fun, always exciting to watch them grow and work out a brand new written and performed minute. This week's no different. They're always here and we're going to do it again. Going up first tonight, you know, was the Florida dropout. After her first time on Kill Tony, she dropped out of college and kept doing stand-up comedy.

She's been on every episode since. A brand new minute. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Wow. We're doing it again. Sorry, Kim. Oh, no, it's all right. This is so fucking weird.

So I joined the gym last month. I decided to join the gym, which is cool. I've already lost $40 because I don't work out. I go specifically to find guys because it's a lot better than Match.com. And I already have an ass, so I just throw on a pair of leggings and act like I've been there for a while. There's this one guy. He keeps telling me that I should do side bends and sit-ups. But he keeps saying, but please don't lose that butt.

I'm dating Sir Mix a lot. That's such a stupid joke I hate myself no I am I want to find a boyfriend but I think guys are scared and they think that I'll go crazy but I'm not

I like dates like every other girl like mini golf Jesus so soon or killing ourselves together the gunshot is just the worst thing ever Dates like every other girl, like mini golf. Jesus. All right. Finish the joke. So soon. Or killing ourselves together. The gunshot's just the worst thing ever. Kim, did you just finish that right then?

What did you say? I said, guys don't want to date me because I'm Puerto Rican. They think I'm crazy. But I'm just like every other girl. I like dates like mini golf or killing ourselves together. Yes. There you go. David. Puerto Rico is the greatest. I like that. dates like mini golf or killing ourselves together. Yes! Puerto Rico is the greatest! I like that. You could actually maybe even tone it down and make it even sound more crazy

or going through your phone when you're sleeping and doing it. Make it like the psychotic, almost two sentences of, you know what I mean? I've been there. I'll look through a phone for sure. What was the one before that one? What was the one before the Puerto Rican thing

Sir Mix-a-Lot to find a boyfriend is that real have you really been going to the gym because that's funny I got a gym membership at my work but I just haven't gone I think you say lyrics from

that Sir Mix-a-Lot thing until everybody is clearly getting it and then drop that from that Sir Mix-a-Lot thing until everybody's clearly getting it and then drop that it was Sir Mix-a-Lot. You know what I mean? Because people are just starting to get on board and then you were done with it. But I just think quoting him, he would stand around saying that to someone

is pretty funny. Yeah, he says some brothers want to play that hard role and then tell me that the butt ain't gold. They toss it and they leave it. But he pulls up quick to retrieve it, like that kind of thing. I think that's what he said. Talk about him like he did.

And then as we got to know each other I found out that his anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns on. So we're engaged. I love that

you kind of just laughed it off like that's such a stupid joke but I think every comedian has a joke that they know is dumb but they still do.

And I always love when comics do that. It's like, fuck them. You don't like this joke? I love it. You know, so that was great that you still did it. And we're just like, yeah, I know it's dumb, but fuck off. That was great.

Yo, can I do something? Don't, please. Yo. By the way, you're the greatest. Don't, please. You're crushing it. I beg you to not. It makes a lot.

This is personal. Listen, if it gets out, whatever. Here we go. And my ex it. I beg you to not. That's her mix-a-lot. This is personal. Listen, if it gets out, whatever. Here we go. And my ex-wife might be mad at me that I tell this story, but this is a pop culture story that nobody knows but me because I was her husband

for 13 motherfucking years. What's the Sir Mix-a-Lot thing? What is it? It just reminded me. At least you're not dwelling on this married for 13 years thing. I hope I don't offend anybody or hurt anyone's feelings with this statement, but when my ex-wife was doing Ace Ventura,

Tom Lux in that movie, right? Who? At one point in the thing, my girl's the greatest ever. My ex-girl's the greatest ever. My my girl's the greatest ever. My ex-girl is the greatest ever. My new girl is the greatest ever. But my ex, I'm sorry. Follow me on this. As they were going away.

Follow yourself. Courtney Cox and Tone Locke had a kind of kiss. A little romantic moment. Oh. I'm just saying that. Is that it? A lot. Big butts. Fucking Tone Locke. Oh, my God. Oh. I'm just saying that. Is that it? Big butts. Fucking

toe look. Oh my god. David. Is that too much for you motherfuckers? Yeah it's too much. His sister did the wild thing with toe looks. You think this shit matters? This is physics. There's a zillion things going on. We don't matter for shit. We're fucking

fucking dog shit on the pavement. We get our whole fucking thing and we're being feeded. Hopefully when you're here, you're just being the coolest fuckery that you can so you're not an asshole. And then whatever the fuck, it doesn't matter anyway. Everything's a fucking eye snap.

A wink. It doesn't matter. Was she Courtney Arquette and then Tone Low came along and gave her the cocks? No, it was before. You know what John Lovitz said at our wedding? That's the ticket? Yeah, he said... Got it.

Acting! No, by the way, I love John Lovitz and he said the best joke at my motherfucking wedding. Uh-huh. I don't know why David didn't take Courtney's name because two cocks are always better than one. At my motherfucking wedding. Wow. It's so true. Yo, I love him for that.

Love it to the limit. He's my greatest ever. That's not a good joke. Fuck you bitches. We're on this thing that you're judging jokes. That's a pretty dope joke at a fucking motherfucker's wedding. We got six minutes. We got six minutes.

Dave, you're right. It's all about physics. So take in some oxygen, my friend. Sorry. Kimberly Congdon killed it again for a minute. There she goes, everybody. She's on Twitter, Kimberly Congdon. Oh, my God.

Perrion's got it for your other regular Doing a Brand New Minute just like she does every other week Very very funny styling Sarah Weinshank everybody Alright I got a printer It's a demanding little appliance Let me tell you

Most appliances they make your life easier. Not the printer. Comes with a lot of responsibilities. Constantly changing ink. I have plans, and then guess what? I'm low on Scion. Have to cancel. Scion's the color blue.

You guys don't have printers. You're moving away from that Gutenberg era. Not me. I'm old school. I like analog things. Fuck taking me to dinner. Take me to Office Depot and buy me ink. That's what I really want.

Laser jet. I feel like if you have a printer, you could probably have a child. I think that's a good test. I'm constantly disposing of that ink, the ink cartridges. Anything else? Yeah, well, I'm always disposing of those ink cartridges,

and I'm never sure what to do with them. You're supposed to handle them kind of like they're hazardous material. You're not supposed to just throw them into a regular recycling bin. Fuck that. You should just throw them anywhere you want to. Anyway, okay. All right. Well, that's great.

Another new minute from Sarah Weinschenk, everybody. This is on printers. She's staying in her style and her realm. That's in your voice. That's your type of bit. I love especially the first 45 seconds of that. And the Gutenberg reference, the Gutenberg drop at 28 seconds really surprised me. It's true.

The whole Scion thing, it sets you up just right to make everybody feel disconnected about what you're talking about with printers, which is where you're taking them anyway with the Gutenberg thing. She dropped a hard Gutenberg, a hard ER. The fuck taking me to dinner, buy me ink cartridges. I think everybody relates to that because they're inexplicably expensive. One of those things where like, why do these cost so goddamn much and they run out so fast? It's like the new diamonds.

Yeah, it's more than the printer sometimes. Yeah, exactly. After you get a few. Yeah, I love that. That was great. It's why Bud jizzed on his roommate. That's correct. That's a callback, everybody.

That is a callback or an acid flashback or both. Wineshank, so you got a printer recently, right? This is a new thing? Yeah, well, I have a printer, but it doesn't have ink. It's just hanging out. It's in the closet. Wow. Looking at me.

Does anyone else just, every time you run out of ink, just buy a new printer and throw the other printer away? I've done it, yeah. I just buy a new printer and throw the other printer away? I've done it. I just buy a $99 printer because I look at the fucking ink and it's like $60, $70. I'm like, wait, I just buy a whole new printer and I'll just do that because it's been two years.

It's probably a better printer anyway. Yeah, that makes sense. Fuck printers. There you go. One in the ink, two in the stink. Sarah Weinshk, everybody. We did it again. That's episode whatever, Kill Tony.

This is going to be one that I get a lot of tweets about. I can tell you that right now. Fuck yeah. This is going to be heavily... Humdinger. Humdinger. David, you... Humdinger.

Okay, hashtag humdinger everybody wants to get that trending tonight obviously so I don't have social media coming up where do you want people to go where do you have a club in Vegas you want people to tell people about something it doesn't really fucking matter

we're all in this all right David Arquette not marketing anything I love his style crazy girls Matt Bronger's at Bronger on Twitter what else Matt what's happening get my album All right, David Arquette, not marketing anything. I love his style. Crazy Girls. Matt Bronger is Matt Bronger on Twitter. What else, Matt? What's happening? Get my album, Big Dumb Animal, on iTunes, and I'll be in Madison, Wisconsin at Comedy on State,

17th and 18th, April. So hit me up. The one, the only, my brother from another puff mother, Doug Benson. We'reallinthistogether.com Just go there for all of everything. We're all in this together, you guys. No doubt about that. We're so in this.

I love David Arquette, everybody. So there you have it. Dead Squad San Francisco. May 12th. Oh, Squad San Francisco Me and Red Band Invade Dead Squad Sacramento Wednesday May 13th Dead Squad Vancouver

April 20th Harbor Event Center in Vancouver Canada Live from the main room April 14th Kill Tony episode 100 Right here Don't let anybody tell you different. Get invited to the whole motherfucking world.

I love you. At Josh Martin Comics. I love you. I love you, player. Outro Music Oh, you know what I should have... you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you