KILL TONY - KT #471 - FRANK CASTILLO

Episode Date: September 11, 2020

Frank Castillo, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 09/07/2020THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—DRAFTKINGS.COM Download the DraftKings app NOW and use code “TONY”. For a limited time, new users can get a free shot at the ONE MILLION DOLLAR top-prize and compete for OVER EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS in prizes across all contests. Don’t miss this extra special Week One bonus. Enter code TONY to get a FREE shot at the ONE MILLION DOLLAR top prize with your first deposit! That’s code TONY – only at DraftKings – Make it Reign! Min. $5 deposit required. Eligibility restrictions apply. See DRAFTKINGS.COM for details.

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website, go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv. There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the road famous Comedy Store main room

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchman. Yeah, yippee-doo-da-day. We are back. Yay. Live from the world famous. How are you, Brian? Good.

How are you doing, buddy? Good. Good. Exciting stuff. Great to be here. Life is good. The great RyanJEbelt is here drawing tonight's episode. He draws every episode, every prints available at RyanJEbelt.com.

Every single episode, every tour poster. He's auctioning off prints almost every week now. It's incredible. Plus, some cool, a couple cool new t-shirt designs he's got over there, RyanJEbelt.com. I love the books. I don't know if he still has the books, but if he has the books, grab one. He's got the Kill Tony books, volume one, two, and three available at RyanJEbelt.com. Very exciting stuff.

You doing good this week, Brian? Absolutely. I joined this heat wave that we were having. I love it. I love it. Staying hydrated, staying outside, soaking in the sun. Life's good. There's nowhere I'd rather be than beautiful Southern California.

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And we are back. I'm excited to start this puppy pie tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, we do have a guest. He is a returning guest, a guy who's been on the show quite a few times. Former Comedy Store door guy winner of the Comedy Central Rose Battle season two. A huge victory. One of the great roasters, one of the great comedians, he's a paid regular here at the Comedy Store and he's one of my great friends.

He's going to be chilling with us. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the great Frank Castillo everybody. Here we go. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Viva la raza. Yeah. Hello, Frank. Welcome.

Feels good to be here. I bet it does. When you hear that music, it reminds you of your father, your grandmother, your miho, and your favorite, favorite podcast, Kill Tony, was what I was looking for. By the way, one of the coolest fathers I think I've ever met, your dad, I've drank with your dad, I've smoked with your dad. He's a legit dad. Yeah.

He is a party animal. I've gone to a Dodgers game with your dad. Well, actually, I met him there. I met 20,000 of your dad at a Dodgers game. That's what every Dodgers fan, he is a true, you know, a true dad. And a true Los Angeles, what do they call that, a Angelino. Yes. That would be a word.

A cholo, perhaps, could be another word. Would you call him a cholo? Yeah, he definitely has the Chicano lifestyle, for sure. Chicano, for sure. Well, I'm glad that you're here, Frank. We're going to have some fun this evening. I don't know if you remember this, Frank, but on this show, we have a band. Did you remember that?

Love the band. They are the best band in the land. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. Sometimes it's the return of famous characters we've seen before. Sometimes it's the debut of brand new characters, like Linkin Park, or, you know, it could be anything. Let's find out what they are tonight when I bring up the best band in the land.

It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Walken, Stohlberg, Joel Jimenez, Jetski Johnson, and Chroma Chris. There we go. Here they come. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. We've seen these guys before. Oh, and there's a girl.

Oh, my goodness. Wow. They're so nerdy. Oh, wow. Come on. Get behind your microphone. That's the part right there. Hello.

Remind me of your name. Hello. My name is Douglas, and it is good to see you once again. Douglas. I'm glad you're back. You are a nerd, right? I am a live action role player, Tony. I do not take kindly to slurs.

Okay. Very good. Live action role player. Yes. And this is also Draconio, if you forgot, my dragon. Draconio? Yes, sir. Okay.

I'll have to write that down. I'll remember that. And then what do we got back here? It appears to have two to-go boxes on his shoulders. I will take that ass to-go. You watch your mouth, sir. And on his crotch. Remind us of your name.

My name is Kevin. I am a king, a galactic space king. Oh, okay. All right. I'm going to write that all down. And then over here, we have a random guy in a hoodie and a corona mask. It appears. What's your deal?

Tony, my name is Malachi and I'm a silent assassin. Malachi, a silent assassin. You are indeed just that. And then- He puts- Go ahead. He puts the gay in Ninja Gaiden. Okay.

That's very funny. There you go. You get that one. You go ahead. In the ass and gay assassin. Okay. And then you're new to this whole crew. I've never seen you with these.

I've seen these live action guys before, but you're new. What's your name? Yes, I just joined this alliance. My name is Erwan. Erwan? Erwan. Like what? The grocery store?

Like the grocery store? My- There's a grocery store called Erwan? There is a Los Angeles store. You have one of the thickest lists I've ever heard. Too bad there's not a spell to get rid of that. Wow. My goodness.

Well, welcome, Erwan. I'm glad you're joining the band tonight. We're going to have some fun. So we have some live action role players. We have Rose Battle, Champ, Frank Castillo, Red Band, Ryan Jay. We had some delicious pizza before the show from the great Vito's Pizza, which I have truly and honestly become completely addicted to. Now, it used to be, oh, I'd eat it every Monday

and I wouldn't eat pizza anywhere else. I would just save it for Monday. Monday became pizza day, and now I order from there all the time. Vito's Pizza on La Cienega, check them out, especially when things get bumping again, you know, the whole Kiltony routine of going there and then coming here. That's a great move on a Monday. But I order from there all the time.

You can get them on Postmates. Check out Vito's Pizza. And, oh, yeah. Get Caveman coffee. Use the promo code Kiltony. Get 20% off. And other amazing things. I feel like I'm forgetting one, but let's just start the show.

You guys ready to start this thing or what? Come on. There's eight people in here. Eight people in a room built for 470. And let's get the show started. We're going to start it with a regular. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, I mean, storyline after storyline. I mean, this reminds me a Hulk Hogan, mid to late 90s.

We don't know whether we're getting the good guy, the bad guy, but he's great at both roles. Sometimes you love him. Sometimes you hate him. He's the big red machine. He's the one, the only. William lights out Montgomery. He's approaching the microphone.

Which William will we get this week? Here he is, William Montgomery. You think being a plumber is hard? Try being a blimp salesman. I was watching a WNBA game earlier, and it said aerial coverage provided by the Goodyear blimp. And I have to admit, the roof game was on point. Apparently my former youth pastor is missing and I ain't snitching.

Not to beat a dead horse, but I'm all out of glue. Sad for Biden that his VP running mate just died. Kamala, the Ugandan giant. All right, that's all I got. There you go. 49 seconds of meat and potatoes from William Montgomery. Montgomery, yeah. Hi, William.

Hey, how are you all doing? That was so much fun. Welcome, welcome. Are you sober again this week? Yeah, pretty much. I have had a little Coca-Cola and vodka, but just a tiny amount. Why would you mix that together? I only had Coca-Cola in the fridge.

It's not bad. Wow. Did you have it on ice? Nope, it's just in a water bottle over there. Just Coke. You put a lid on it? Yes. William is what we call a level 17 alcoholist.

That is a great point, Douglas. Yes, he is. It was better this week. I did get, I got drunk last night, but other than that, that was it. What happened last night? What do you think made you want to drink last night? What do you think happened there? I don't know.

I was grilling out. It's been fun to grill out. I got a grill, did some salmon last night. Oh, how long? It was really good. Okay. How long into the, William, how long into the grilling did you start drinking? I was drinking some Stella Artois.

Okay. Let me rephrase the question. When did you start grilling? Take a guess. Probably at 7. 7 p.m. Yes. What time did you start drinking yesterday?

Probably at 6. Okay. So you cracked open a Stella at 6. Correct. Probably went through two of those before you started grilling at 7, right? Correct. And then what happened? What happened at 7 when you started grilling?

Just straight Stella's all night? Did you get your groove back? And then I moved to the vodka Coke at probably 3 in the morning. It's absolutely disgusting. And then I woke up at maybe 1 p.m. today. I mean, you drink like a freshman in high school that just found out about alcohol. That is a drink of desperation. Yeah.

Like it's like, I just mixed whatever my stepdad had in the cabinet. Right. I had a vodka and Coke. I bet that Coke was flat, wasn't it? It wasn't, actually. Wait till you try peach schnapps and RC Cola. Wow. Do you drink a lot of water when you wake up or do you drink water in period?

Yes. I was very thirsty when I woke up. Fuck yeah. How much water do you think you drank? 64 ounces. Wow. That's a good guess. Yeah.

I have a 32 ounce water bottle thing. Oh my goodness. And you filled it up twice. Yep. That's interesting. Is it true that your youth pastor is missing? Yes. Oh, tell us more about it.

We don't know where he is. How did you find out he was missing? Who told you that? It was on the news today. Really? The news here? The local news here? Yes.

And you were watching the local news and you found out your youth pastor, even though you're from Tennessee, you found out your youth pastor here on the local news. They covered that a Tennessee youth pastor was missing. Correct. Are you lying to me right now, William? No, no, no, no. It's national news right now. It's national news that your youth pastor is missing.

Yes. Was he like a really good youth pastor? He was. He was the nicest man. What was so good about him? Tell us what made him so special. I don't know. He was just a really nice man.

In what way? What did he do that was nice? He would read us the Bible. Oh, that's what every youth pastor does that. Just a really nice man. Did he ever touch you in any inappropriate ways? Yeah. Yeah.

What did he do? Touched my butthole. Oh, my God. With what? What did he touch it with? His fingers. Oh, my God. How many fingers?

Two. Okay, red band. Jesus Christ. Four minutes into the episode. That was a two-tone fart. You know, it's weird when the fart noises come before the first kitty. All right. So, William, is it true that you're out of glue?

No, that was a lie. Okay. Have you ever met a blimp salesman before? No. You had two blimp jokes to start off your set this week. Why do you think that happened? I don't know. I was frantically trying to write stuff earlier and I thought about blimps.

And then those two came to mind. It would be really amazing to see you take all your jokes and all the topics of each joke and try to combine all the topics. And so, you know, instead of having one minute of random jokes all put together, having one minute of the same topic, because you write really funny shit, but it's so random you're going from one place to another. Yeah. It'd be really cool to see you along.

You could have 10 minutes in a row on a modium AD. Yeah. That's what the people want. You could have a whole tonight's show set about blimps. Blimpin' ain't easy. Yeah, you're absolutely right, Douglas. William, what about your normal life this week? Your relationship good?

Did you find a new job? Everything? Yeah. Relationship's totally positive. Wow. It's shocking. It's totally positive. I was able to talk to somebody at the unemployment office, so I'm hopefully getting paid here

again soon because I'm running out of money. Oh, you are? Yeah. My dad would probably, he's very nice. He'd probably give me a little if it came, if I went down to zero. I don't know. Yeah, maybe he's hearing this and he doesn't like it. He listens to every episode of Kiltonia.

My guess is that you're going to get a stimuli from your father. We'll see. He's already been very nice, but yeah, hopefully the unemployment comes because of this. A stimuli from your father and a pink eye from your girlfriend. There you go. Perhaps I should use a healing spell for that burn. That was the Galactic Space King Kevin with that one, a pink eye. Didn't you get like a check for like $7,000 or something like that like a month ago?

Yeah, my balance is $7,800, but I've only gotten paid $1,700 out of it. I just don't know how it works, so we'll see. Yeah. No, that's good. Your girlfriend's been stealing money from you. The bank probably just didn't believe that you could get that much money all at once. Right. They find you to be irresponsible.

They're like, this guy bought Coca-Cola and vodka at the liquor store the other day. We can't trust them. All right. Anything else going on, William? You've been exercising at all? You're sweating profusely right now. I am. This is an air conditioned room.

This is a sign of usually a sign of... I feel hot as shit right now. It's usually a sign of people that are about to have a heart attack. You have shorts on, your dick's still hanging out, and you're still sweating. William, why do you... Why? Is that just your performing shorts, or do you literally wear those every fucking day? I wear them every day, and I woke up, and there's this shit all on them.

I don't know what I was doing last night. That looks like doo-doo. It's called a nocturnal emission, and it is very normal for men our age. Do you have more than one pair of shorts, or do you just love that pair of shorts? Tell the truth on this one. I have other ones. I don't know if they fit me, though. I've gained weight.

So how do you wash those, though? You just never wash them? Because I have washed these probably two or three months ago. Oh. Are you serious? Yeah. I don't think they smell. I mean, I smell them.

That is what stinky people say. You're probably right. You're like a live action king of the hill character. So gross. You're like the cat lady. They can't smell the cats anymore. I mean, it's so interesting because above the waist, you always have good style. That's sure you're wearing right there.

Unbelievable. Dale Earnhardt fan club. I know. I mean, it's incredible. You always have cool Tennessee volunteer stuff. You always have cool style, but you wear the same dirty shorts. I need to get some new ones. They're broken.

I mean, you're completely exposed in the front. What waist size do you think you could wear so that people at home could send you some shorts? Yeah. What waist are you? 36. Why don't you take a fucking guess? 36 to 38. I would say his waist size is toxic.

36 to 38, I would guess. 36 or what? Or 38, I would think. Okay. Let's go with 38 and then you can wear a belt like a gentleman. You have a belt, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's the only thing keeping those up. And what t-shirts size do you wear? XL. He doesn't need any t-shirts. Send him 38 shorts. Please send me some 38. Send it to the, just Mark William Montgomery and send it to the comedy store. 8433 West Sunset Boulevard, West Hollywood, California 90069.

Send William Shorts. Perfect. This is a new project. It's the Send William Shorts project. Shorter rather than longer. Shorter, so you don't like the longer shorts. You like an inch above the kneecaps. Totally.

Why? Why? Were you ever an Eagle Scout, William? It's good. He actually has great legs on him. Yeah, he used to bike a lot. It's my best feature, my legs. He doesn't have like horrendous size.

E-bike legs. Yeah, he doesn't have E-bike legs. Exactly. He's got regular former bicycle-less legs. But the gut, I mean, it's absolutely volatile. It is. It's really like it's putrid what's happening. It looks like a cyst or something.

It really does. Your belly button makes it look like an ass. It does? Wow, it really does. It looks like you have a giant butt. Yeah. If your pastor, if your youth pastor was here, he'd probably put two fingers in your belly button.

He would. There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. On to the next one we go. Really great seeing William's improvement the last two weeks. It's totally his best sets the last two weeks, probably. Yeah. He seems healthier.

All right, this is exciting. We had a few sign-ups today, so let's see what happens here. Here is a minute uninterrupted from Trey Peacock. Here we go. Here comes Trey Peacock. Come on up. Come up, Trey. How's it going?

Here he is. Trey Peacock, everyone. Hi, how's it going, guys? You can take off your mask if you want to. Here he is. One more time. Trey Peacock. What's up, guys?

So I once went on a date with this one girl who, to put it lightly, was my cousin. But it's okay because our nana hooked us up. Really, it was her high school prom and no one wanted to take her, so I got the pleasure of taking her, but it just sucks because she never really got the chance to have that prom sex to everybody. You know, dreams about in high school. Yeah, we waited till after we both graduated for that.

Yeah, I don't know. I have a co-worker who likes to fart on me all the time at work. I don't fucking know why. He's Ukrainian, so that might be a reason. But his name's Edward. Shout out, Edward. Other than that, I got in a car crash on the way over here. Luckily, everyone survived.

And I'm on the run. The cops showed up on the hotel I'm staying at. I got out of there in the Uber just in time. That's all I got. Wow. All right. Some jokes. Some truth.

Let's get down to the nitty-gritty. I have a lot of questions for you, young man. I'm excited about this interview. First of all, welcome to the show Trey Peacock. This is your first time on, correct? Yes, sir, it is. And how old are you? 21.

21. Why'd you say it like that? They checked your ID at the front, right? Yeah, they did. Yeah. OK. It's very bizarre. I don't know who let me in here.

I mean, are you 21? Yes. OK. Well, there you go. Then just fucking be cool, dude. My God, Trey. Jesus, this fucking guy, suspicious ass motherfucker. Yeah.

And you drove down from Modesto. I actually had a bucket filled with people, and then someone told me before the show, there's this guy who drove all the way from Modesto, California, which for those of you listening is about, I don't know, five hours north, we'll say. Something like that. And they go, he drove all the way from Modesto, and he got into a car accident on his way here, and he wants to sign up. And I'm like, well, let's get this motherfucker in here.

That's exactly what I told the guy, with no hesitation. What was the car accident? How did it happen? So I was. Hey, that was my next question. That's so crazy. You asked that because I was never going to get there. Yeah.

I was on the freeway in the slow lane, fat ass flat bed. I don't know why my dad had me drive it, but big old flat bed. And then this lady was merging on. And I got caught between her and a semi was to my left in the middle lane. So I got pinched. And everybody was good, though. The semi driver, actually, he took off. He didn't want to wait for the cops.

But everybody pulled over for a second. Yeah. And then what about the lady? She was good. She was a little Mexican lady. She was all cool. And she had some Asian kid in her car with her. I don't know why she wasn't her kid.

Dude, was the kid tied up? No, he was doing schoolwork. I guess he was falling behind in school. So he was reading books. Wow. So you're saying the most stereotypical thing about an Asian kid. Just doing homework. And that's how you knew he wasn't Mexican.

I mean, that sounds. That sounds. Well, I mean, he also speaking of stereotypes saying maybe the Asian kid was giving the Mexican lady instructions on how to drive and cause the accident in the first place. I think he actually ran. He ran into a coyote who was stealing a Asian kid. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah, she was the one to stick around.

I don't know. Oh, wow. Look at that. So she stuck around and you left before the police came. Well, she, we were waiting for like an hour and a half and she was like, I got to get this kid gone. She was, I don't know where she was taking him, but she had to get out with him. She's babysitting the kid.

She's the nanny. Spoiler alert. That was an old kid to be having a nanny. How old do you think the kid was? He was probably like 16 or 17 if I have it again. Oh, damn it. Trying to sell that kid. No, that's exactly what it is.

Maybe she was tutoring him. Hopefully. Maybe the Mexican lady and the Asian boy were just going out to enjoy some rice. They both like rice, those kinds of people. Rice. You know, they do traffic intelligent kids. You know what I mean? People need accountants.

That's absolutely true. Everybody wants an Asian accountant nowadays. So let's talk about you, Trey Peacock. A lot went on there. Are you staying, you said something about a hotel. You're staying at a hotel here? Yeah. Well, like I said, because I'm here for work for my pops, but since I got in that accident,

I didn't get to the place on time. So I had to go up in a hotel. What do you do for your pops? I'm a welder. He's always had businesses welder by trade. Hell yeah. That's cool. You close with your father?

Yep. He taught me everything. I'm listening to you guys on the job all the time. So I'm excited. That's great. We are very popular amongst welders. Wildly popular. It's the majority of our base.

We're like the coal miners. They support Trump. Welders support kill Tony. Yes, sir. And there's a lot of connections there. We mold comedians with the fire that we throw at them. And that's exactly what you do with hot metals. Yep.

We're in the forge right here. That's right. Absolutely. Speaking of forgery, how about checks? Have you ever been arrested for that? Not for forging checks. What have you been arrested for? No, actually, I've never been arrested.

I've just been in trouble. But I got good luck. I get let off a lot. What did you get in trouble for? A lot of things. Speeding, weed, both at the same time. A lot of stuff. Hell yeah.

Do you think you had any responsibility at all in that car accident that happened today? No. Wow. Look at that. Very good. My goodness. By the way, when he said speeding and weed, Gino just stood up and started clapping. Yeah, that's it.

That's a big plug. Speedweed.com. I do have a question. Go ahead. How hot is your cousin? Oh, you can't put me in that predicament. I got an uncle listening. I mean, you just said you fucked her on.

Is the uncle her father? Ten. Wow. She's a ten or that was her age. Okay. Tray, so did you really hook up with your cousin? No, I'm not. I didn't.

I don't know. You're from a desto. I am from a desto. But did you want to? No. That laugh is very suspicious. Well, there were some feelings that arose during the prom, and that's why I had to cut it off. I had to get out.

The feeling is called your wiener, and that is called a boner. What if you do role-played as not cousins? Some feelings arose. What would you have told her if you guys weren't cousins? What would you have said to her? Give us a line. I would have said, damn, you're beautiful. Oh, wait, she's not my cousin.

All right, well, there you go. I was surprised that he actually went to prom with your cousin, so you knew it was your cousin. Yeah. And you were just like, hey. Wait, wait, I'm noticing something. If your cousin's hot, why is she going to prom with you? Good question. That is a good question, I guess.

Does she have a learning disability? You could say that. She has her toes stuck together. Her toes are stuck together? Oh, that is not a learning disability. I know that sounds like it. I can't read. My toes are stuck together.

The place, was she wearing open shoes at prom? Do you remember? Was she wearing heels with open soles? No, she wrapped those shits up. She wrapped those shits up. I can't figure out if that's a problem. My toes are stuck together. Beautiful woman, but this bitch has hooves.

Do you think she wanted to hook up with you at all after that? Let's pretend like your uncle isn't listening. That's going to be what's best for the show. Your uncle's not listening. Okay. Do you think your cousin wanted to hook up with you at all a little bit, maybe? Probably not. I think it was more forced by our grandma.

Oh, your grandma, it was an organized prom date. Exactly. Maybe that's why your grandma's always hooking up the family members, and that's why she had webbed feet. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Does your grandma have a cool hillbilly grandma name like Bertha or Edna or something like that? No, she's Mexican, but she's Debra.

Debra? Debi, Debi, my aunt's Debra, sorry. Oh, yeah, Grandma Debi is a hillbilly name. You just don't know that because you're surrounded by people in Modesto all the time. I guess. Grandma Debi. It's like L Hills that have eyes. Little Debi?

Yeah, little Debi. So let's talk about your coworker, Edward, that farts on you. This is in the welding industry? Yes, sir. You guys ever fart and put the welding gun up to it and let the flames explode out? No, the shield gas is actually the opposite of flammable, so it would kind of, it might just spread the, you know, smell around. Sometimes I say to draconio, incendio, and he lights my farts on fire.

Okay, there you go, you got that out. I'm very supportive. Your friend Edward, does he fart like in your direction, or does he put his butt cheeks right up against you and fart? What types of farts are we talking about? It depends on the mood he's in, you know? And if I do something to piss him off, he'll, like, I don't know how he's got a power to conjure up, like the worst smells, like, depending on how angry he is, but he'll usually do a drive-by,

just walk by and leave the cloud by where I'm working. What you said here, what is his ethnicity? He's Ukrainian. Well, that's how he does the smelliest farts. Yeah, there you go. You're saying that Ukrainians are... That's the food, you know? We had somebody growing up from India, and we...

That's completely different. But here's a good example. The teacher had to take the whole class aside and go, hey, guys, stop making fun of him when he farts, because it's his Indian food, and... Well, yeah. Third grade. Dr. Rappin! The same person that's sending shorts for William, can we get a map for Brian?

Indy, everyone knows Indy as in Eastern Europe, right between fucking Germany and Russia. Well, I think you guys are missing the point. I'm talking about food. He probably eats Ukrainian food. It's probably a different diet than normal people, so that's why he has stinkier farts. Okay, did you just say stinker farts? Stinkier! Like, you fart a hamburger, it ain't bad.

Wait, what? Can we get that on a t-shirt? You fart a hamburger, it ain't bad. Alright. Alright. And a Chinese fart makes you want more fart after 10 minutes. Do you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us about you? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to fucking, you know,

pop your thumb out of the joint or something like that. I could roll my belly, I could swallow my tongue. You can what? I could roll my stomach. Let's see that. That's called epilepsy. Very good. What else can you do?

I can play the drums. Whoa! Before he said that, can I also say he said he could swallow his tongue. That is epilepsy. There you go. You have an extra pair of drumsticks? Yeah, fuck yeah. Well, you know what?

It's been a long time since we've done this, but I don't know if you know this. Trey Peacock. And you know what? You know what? I'm sort of rooting for you in this one, because you're an interesting character. You had a great set.

You had a great interview. Have you ever done stand-up before? No, sir. This is your first time ever, and you've been one of the most entertaining people on this show since this quarantine even started. My friend, we have a competition on this show. Are you aware of what a Mexican drum off is?

Yes, I'm well aware. Wow. So Trey, this is a huge opportunity for you, because you could go from your first time performing, having a great set, and by the end of this night, there's a chance that you could be a full-time cast member and the brand new drummer of the show, Kill Tony.

Come on up here. Get behind the drum set. This is very exciting. It's been absolutely four or five, maybe six months since our last Mexican drum off, and we're about to have one right here. So Trey, you know how it works. You get to do a little drum solo, you know?

Make it your own thing. If you want to do anything funny or silly or anything during it or after it or whatever, you can do that. Anything you want to do, ladies and gentlemen, before you start, let me just say, this is a Mexican drum off. This is your chance right now, Trey. You could be the first ever victor of this. I must warn you, Joel's never been beaten,

but there is a chance perhaps. This is the longest he's gone without doing one since this whole thing started, so maybe you'll catch him rusty. Ladies and gentlemen, with his opportunity of a lifetime, this is Trey Peacock and a Mexican drum off. Go ahead, Trey. All right. Okay, Trey.

Go back to that microphone over there. All right. There you go. It was a good approach. It's good. It's been a while. Sorry. It has been a while, but it's been a while for Joel Berg as well.

Let's see what happens here. Undefeated all time. I mean, an incredible record. I'd love to know the actual statistic. My guess is somewhere between 20 and 30 and 0, but with no further ado, I present to you undefeated all time in Mexican drum offs, the one, the only, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

Wow. Here he is. Alive in the flesh. Go back there. Here he is. All right. This is very exciting. He's getting behind the drums, and it begins now.

Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. That is it. My goodness.

Wow. Not the first time you've gotten smashed by a semi truck tonight. Did somebody order a takeout? All right. How many of you have a Trey Peacock? How many of you in the audience by round of applause? How many of you have Trey Peacock winning this entire thing here? Just me.

Oh, someone cleared their throat doing that. How many of you by round of applause have Joel Berg retaining his championship? Well, there you go. And still undefeated. My goodness. What a landslide on this one. Peacock versus big cock. That's right.

Well, Trey, I mean, incredible performance, I must say. Thank you, sir. I mean, very, very interesting person. I feel like there's tons more stuff we can talk about and get out of you. Please come back any time. Absolutely. Let me know when you're coming. I will try.

Tell a staff member when you get here to say, tell Tony that Trey Peacock is here from Modesto. Yes, sir. There he goes. This is Kill Tony debut. A fan of the show coming in and having a blast for 15 minutes. Trey Peacock. Man. Every month.

There you go. Trey Peacock. That made me remember how nice it was to have a drum off. It's been so long. It's been a long time. I had to miss the audiences. There you go. All right.

We have another regular on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, a great comedian, a great roaster, so much fun. One of my good pals, a real cool guy. Great comedian. Here he is. David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. Here he is.

The great David Lucas. Yeah. White people trip me out. They put their dogs and strollers and put leashes on their kids. You wonder why this motherfucker act like an animal and why he only wants to eat his food on all fours. White people weird. I dated this girl who had an Instagram for her dog.

That was weird as shit. And she was black. This bitch used to actually post like she was the dog. That was the weirdest. The dog had a story and she would update posts like chilling with mommy at the park. Bitch, you should be a white girl. I feel like it's time for me. I think I'm successful enough to date a white girl.

I want to date like a real white girl. Like I don't want to date a white girl with an ankle tattoo that works at TSA. You know what I'm saying? I want like a Taylor Swift white girl. Like I want a girl so white that she got to hide our relationship until she's 10 months pregnant. That's how white I want my next girl to be. Hell yeah. Absolutely.

David Lucas. So let's jump right into it. You want a white girl, but you don't want one that works at TSA with an ankle tattoo. Taylor Swift type. What does that mean exactly? Like one who ain't ever been entered by a black man before. Oh shit. I'm not fucking break that hymen.

Yeah. These white guys can't even reach it. Okay. So like what do you think this girl would do for a living? Because you say you don't want a TSA agent. So like when you say Taylor Swift type, like what do you think like a lawyer's assistant? Yeah. Bitch that work at a doggy daycare.

A donkey daycare? Doggy daycare. Oh, okay. Like college educated? Like who? College educated? Yeah. Probably dropped out her junior year.

Real white. The one that's disappointing her parents already and when I come over I'll just be a bigger disappointment. Oh yeah. Have you tried D&D? Dungeons and Dragons? Have you ever done that? Duncan and Donuts.

Alright man shut your ass up. You look like a gay member of Earth, Wind and Fire. Shut your stupid ass up. Are they hiring? I should have used a white reference, not Earth, Wind and Fire. No, I know Earth, Wind and Fire. We are hip, we understood the reference. Dungeons and Dragons, the last time I played a card game was Magic the Gathering when I

was a kid. That's nerdy. Magic Johnson. I mean I went to all white school until I was a high school. They called it Black Magic the Gathering when you played it. Nigga Magic. I will not say that. That's fun.

I have seen a lot of dogs being pushed in strollers lately. There's no doubt about it. I screamed at a lady the other day. Yeah, what did you say to her? I was like bitch do you really have a dog in a stroller? Yeah. I was like do you have kids? And she was like no, I was like alright, well you get a pass.

It makes sense. I saw something worse. I know a guy that I'm friends with that had a book bag with the cat window in the back and he just goes around with the cat in his backpack. He came here with the comedy story together. You're still friends with him? Not really. Okay.

I got you beat. I saw a white lady breastfeeding her dog the other day. Get the fuck outta here man. No bro. That's not. No you didn't. Let's stop it. I swear to god.

Are you serious? Yeah, she was just squeezing her nipple so the milk would come out. Are you serious? Now was the dog biting or lapping? No, the dog was lapping. These bitches are crazy. I'm gonna add that to my set. Thanks Frank.

You're welcome. Let's attack. There you go. Absolutely. I wonder if she have a baby or did this bitch start lactating from the dog. The fucking hormones kick in. If you suck on anything long enough it will lactate. That's a lie.

Wow. Douglas, Douglas have you ever been with a woman before? No but many a goat. Wow, you've been with a goat? Yes sir. What'd you do to the goat? I went down on it. You did?

Yes I did. Was it a boy or a girl? It was. I thought a girl at first and then I had a dick in my mouth and then I said hello sir. I do not appreciate you being coy with me and then he sodomized me. How long did you spend going down on the goat before you realized? We were in a relationship for six years before I realized that it was a male. What was its name?

Elliot. And you didn't realize Elliot was a boy? No for six years he was tucking his dick between his legs like a sheep pussy vangina. Oh my goodness gracious Douglas I'm so glad I asked these questions. Me as well. That is very interesting to find out that you were in a long term relationship. Six years it was. With a goat?

Yes. Six years. Six years I was in love with a sheep that I thought was a man but it was actually a woman that wasn't actually a man. How long into the six years did you find out that it was a man? Year three but I kept plowing through because I need to get to that next level. Oh my god. My redneck homies. Did you end up beating the game?

Well in D&D there is no limit to levels so I am very very high now. Oh my goodness. My redneck homies told me that I think a sheep have the closest vagina to women. That is the second closest. What's the first closest? Dalton. Oh that's right. That's a fucking redneck.

That's right I think I've heard you mention that once. How does it feel right now? It's on Netflix right now. My redneck homies told me that sheep got a close vagina to a woman. It's actually pretty cool looking. If you look at it like it looks legit. Alright. Yeah if you've never seen a human vagina yet.

You know what's the second closest thing to a vagina? A penis. Well I guess so. Yeah everybody's born with a clit right? Yes sir. Absolutely. Yours just fell out. Nope.

Everyone's born with a booty hole. That's what I always say. Redneck told me no more booty hole jokes. No doubt about it. No you're allowed to do both booty hole jokes if you want. Alright. Oh shit he just opened up a scroll. For those of you only listening.

You just spread the cheeks on the booty hole jokes. There you go. When Tony puts a dildo in his ass it got an echo. Oh my goodness. When I put a what on my ass. A dildo. It's got an echo. I Trey you.

Because there's so much space in my ass. Hell yeah. Oh Jesus. Christ. I actually would bet money and maybe we should do this test one day where we do a blind taste test and have each cast member put a finger in our butts. Oh hell no. I'll bet you have the loosest butt.

Nah. I wouldn't bet that. Yeah because he has a much much much much bigger ass than me. Bigger poops. I have no ass. Oh yeah. I got no ass. Dr. Rabbit.

There's only been one finger in my ass ever. The doctor had to check for a dropped appendix at one point. They think that sometimes you know they I thought I may have had appendicitis at one point real bad lower pains and so they check to see if it like dropped or something like that and I did not like it at all. What was it just like a cell phone or something. It ended up working out. I don't know.

I farted or something. And the crazy thing is because prostate cancer running my family I got to get that test earned. That's the only thing that runs in your family. Go ahead. None of you guys have ever had a check put a finger in your ass. Yeah. And it was it sucked because it was like where they had like nurses from college like watching

and I was like no you can't have like three nurses like in sex. I mean they try. They don't want to know. None of you guys. They want. But I stopped them. I got not into that. For you.

I had it once when I was like 20 there was like some like 29 year old woman that was older than me that blew me and then just put a finger in my butt while blowing you. Yeah it was it was it was it was a lot. It was a slick. But it was like doing mushrooms but sex. It was like I don't know if I'm here yet. I can't know. Douglas you ever have a finger in your butt.

No but I have had a. Oh my goodness gracious. Oh my goodness. Let's check in with the galactic space king Kevin on this one. What's your sex life like galactic space king. Oh it's gravity. Yeah. I thought she was smart but then I saw her toes were stuck together so she didn't know

too much but she put those stuck together toes in my ass. Oh my god. All right. There you go. That's how I became a space Lord. That was the galactic space king Kevin. This was crazy. I can't even get.

They are indeed. I like this look tonight. I love this. You're just like a pumpkin spice latte. It's very exciting. You look like a jack-o-lantern in December. This is great. You look like a gender lawyer.

A gender lawyer like you like you help motherfuckers legally change their gender. I mean it just so happens that I'm actually I'm actually I do that part time now in the quarantine as a side gig. I'm a gender lawyer. What about the insurance company you had the beauty hole insurance. That's it. Yeah. That's it.

Beauty holes and dildos insurance. Everybody who got what some things called hemorrhoids. That's right. That's that's right. Hemorrhoids. No. I don't eat like you. What are you talking about?

You can get hemorrhoids if you're two years old. I thought you got him for what. Yeah. It's just forcing poop out. No you can get hemorrhoids in your 10 years old red rabbit had a hemorrhoid at six bucks. Baby hemorrhoids is a thing. Google it. Look at it.

Dr. You must have had red. Ben didn't have an imaginary friend. He just named his hemorrhoids red bad had blended up mashed potatoes and pork chop in his bottle. Okay. Oh did somebody say pork chop a lamb. Oh my god.

This shows out of control. Well David fun times. Yeah bro. It's incredible that we only roast it like you know it's not easy to write for stand up while not doing shows. That is for sure. And you are honest. You are doing your fucking absolute best.

I like to tell it's very impressive and it's very cool that you're doing it. It's very hard to do your style. You know Michael Lair is a an improv guru trained for decades in Chicago in the hardest levels of having to be in different tough situations and this and that and William style very one liner very short silly goofy jokes and your style is more true to you know depends on my style depends on pauses and laughter silence exactly real stand up comedy not to say that their stand up isn't real stand up comedy but but very dependent on an audience and you're still plowing through it.

Yeah man got to you gotta you know you just got to keep going though. God damn right. You are going indeed ladies and gentlemen. There he is the great David Lucas everybody. Hey y'all today's episode is brought to you by sheath underwear. Sheath uses moisture wicking technology to create underwear that keeps everything breathable and incredibly comfortable for you downstairs. Sheath smart underwear come in a number of different styles including a brief with a

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money back guarantee off your first pair plus they have an amazing line of underwear for women too. I'm telling you I wear my sheets all the time wearing them right now. There's proof. You see that logo. That's the sheath logo. I see red bands too. We all wear sheath.

They gave us a tester pack of these and I went to their website and I bought a bunch myself. Now I only wear sheath underwear. Sometimes when it's hot I'll just slide the balls and dick hole right through there. I'll slide my stuff right into the right into the pouches just to let it cool down and then I'll pull it back. You don't have to leave it in there. There's no prison sentence for your balls but you can indeed like I like to say kiss your balls.

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Ladies and gentlemen it's going to be Alex B. Here comes Alex B everybody one, two. Here comes Alex B. Here comes Alex B. Here's Alex B everybody. So I went to the Gay Pride Parade for the first time last year not because I support the cause or anything. I just didn't have health insurance and I needed a free SCD test. For you non-woke people out there they have SCD testing station every 20 or 30 feet at these events. It was a lot more fun to go into like a plant parenthood or something.

I'm pretty sure it was all the cocaine and molly I was on though. And yeah the nurse got really mad at me when I pulled down my dick and balls so that she could take a good look. She was like no no no it's not that kind of a test or that kind of you know thing. I'm like well I got mad because I spent so much time grooming and cleaning my balls I didn't want to look like a tool. Shit show. Whoever looked you know.

The thing about yeah so yeah that's it that's it absolutely Alex B Alex B his name's Alex B his name's Alex B yeah there you go welcome welcome this is the first time we've had a jokey mon on on the show before it's exciting instead of a pokey mon. I enjoyed that very much. You know what you look like? I had no idea. You look like you could dive off a high dive and not make a splash. Totally yes.

Yeah yeah yeah. He comes to a perfect point. I know right. He looks like a real prickachu. Yeah. I choose you. I do this myself believe it or not. No I believe it.

Oh yeah. I like it. Reminds me of one of my favorite animals the cassowary. There you go. Believe it or not this guy's not from Modesto. Where are you from Alex? Long Beach. Long Beach.

Yeah. Absolutely. And is that where you live now? It is. Yeah. And that's where you were born and raised? No. From Orange County.

Okay. Yeah. Absolutely. I always get those things even though I've lived here for closer to basically two decades than one. I still get all this shit confused. The OC is what, slightly east of Long Beach, huh? Yeah.

I think so. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Everything south from here doesn't matter to me until we get to San Diego. Exactly. That's why I left. Yeah. You left.

Right. Orange County. Right. Came up here. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a tech guy. I'm a tech support, network admin.

Okay. Is it hard to wear a headset with a haircut like that? No. I use the earbuds. Oh okay. Alright. Achievement unlocked. What was that, Douglas?

Achievement unlocked. Okay. No, no. Alright. And so let's talk about it. Did you really need to get an STD test? No. No.

Have you ever had an STD test? Yeah. Get them every year. Yeah. Have you ever tested positive for anything? Plenty of times. Like what? Chlamydia.

And what else? What was that other one? You tested positive for USB, CPU. No. No. No. No. Just chlamydia.

Chlamydia. It's crazy. What is the symptoms of chlamydia? First it starts to burn and then when you go to take a piss, you notice this thing kind of just dripping down. It's really gross. It's sort of like a... Shouter?

Like drool? Yeah. Something like that. Like a snot. Like a really sticky... God, I feel like I should have had this by now. I'm surprised you have it. I know.

Me too. Anything else? Any other STDs? Sometimes the lowest forms of humans are most defensive against the dark arts, such as cockroaches are nearly... Thank you, Douglas. Any other STDs that you had? That's it so far, but I expect some more soon, especially once this whole...

You have a lot of sex. How do you get chlamydia from masturbating? No, that was my younger days. I was more of a whore. So yeah. Did chicks think you were the lead singer of the deftones? No, I probably would have gotten laid more in my 20s. Yeah.

But you didn't? Not as much as a lead singer of the deftones. Right. I'm sure that guy's dick's falling off at this point. When you do get laid, how does that happen? It's usually my personality that shines through. Right. Where do you meet these girls at?

You know, liquor stores, corner streets, stuff like that. Liquor stores. Hotel rooms. Liquor stores. Like, inside the store? Or do they ask you to buy alcohol for them and then you... Yeah, no, no, no. Inside the store?

You've met a girl inside? No, no, no. I just go to bars, go to clubs, try to talk to... What's your opening line? Are you just like, I can fix your CPU? No, it's the usual, the cheesy, do you come here often? Really? Yeah.

You really do that? No, that's really fucking stupid. Like, really? Does that work? And then I get into a conversation with them about it. Interesting. Every time I've asked a girl that, they say, not anymore, and then I never see them again. How long have you been on stand-up?

Two years, with the exception of the past six months or so. Right. Yeah, yeah. I actually had a pretty good momentum building up before the whole corona thing. What kind of momentum did you have going up? Just going nonstop to open mics, working on a lot of jokes. I was writing, I mean, new five minutes almost every week, just trying it out and just having a lot of fun.

You said in your set that you have done cocaine and molly. Is that true? I plead the fifth. Wow. Of course it's true. Come on. Come on. There you go.

I've been answering the question for you. You think it's true, huh? I think maybe molly Malone's. Yeah, no, that joke usually, yeah, I had it down a few months ago. Now it's just, yeah. Even before I got here, I was saying it out loud perfectly, as soon as I got on stage or here, I was like, fuck, started slipping away. Very interesting.

Very interesting. What do you do for fun? What are some things that you do to pass the time? I'm someone of an artist. So I draw, paint, I used to make music. What kind of music? Electronic, like, you know, just like EDM, I guess. Oh, so you do cocaine and molly.

There you go. I had my days in the sun. Have you ever been an assistant manager at an Applebee's? No, I haven't. All right, tell your wardrobe that. Yeah, right. I just took the tag off. That is.

He's wearing an Applebee's name tag right now. That's incredible. Dracarrio, stop burning people. If you use your imagination, it's hilarious. Thank you, healer. This is why you're part of the campaign. All right, well, how about how about the things that scare you? Do you have any fears that are interesting or irrational?

We've noticed that a lot of Latino people are afraid of things. We have one friend that's afraid of dogs. We have another friend that is afraid of, what were we just talking about? Heights. Heights agents. Oh, yeah. I once took Frank on a ferris wheel because he said he was afraid of heights and I almost pissed and shit myself laughing as he was clenching onto the sides of this tiny ferris

wheel at a shopping mall before doing a sold out show. Remember that? Yeah, it was literally only like two stories high. It's high enough to die from, that's what I say. An electric cast member is scared of pedaling. That's right. That's right. You could actually pedal on an e-bike.

Yeah. That's how you charge it, right? You can, but why would you? Which proves the point. Because it makes the bike go faster. You can pedal faster than the motor? No, no. Because legally, electronic bikes can only go a certain speed, but if you pedal, it has

pedal assist, which makes it go faster. Instead of going like 28, I can go 38. Wow. My goodness. Yeah. David Lucas just yelled down a hill from the back of the room. No, then it would be like 48. I mean, you could probably go like 108 down a hill.

That is true. That's probably right. Land in a Wendy's drive-thru. Yeah. Anyway, what are you afraid of? Geez, I really can't think of anything right now. I'm sure I'm afraid of something. You're afraid of something.

Yeah. You ever have a repeating nightmare that freaks you out? There's a bunch of them. Yeah, like what? You know, I actually used to have a fear of Chucky. It's a dream of Chucky chasing me. Yeah. That was used to terrify me, especially.

I'll share this with you guys, because I always like to sneak a little fun fact about me and on a podcast that I don't talk about myself that often on, and here's one, is that I was definitely afraid of Chucky myself as a kid. I loved the Chucky movies, yeah. Even though I was tiny and, you know, I mean a little kid, and Freddie was the main one that scared me, and I like Chucky, but my mom got me one of those My Buddy dolls, and that changed the game, because then one night I was certain that like I was falling asleep and I was like half asleep and half awake, and I thought that my My Buddy doll was sort

of like laying on my side staring at it, and I thought I saw its head do a 360 like that, like real slow, and then I became completely afraid of it, and so I ended up breaking it because I was pro wrestling with it one day. I was like doing moves on it on my bed, and its head rolled off on the ground. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was like ten or maybe nine or ten or whatever, and its head rolled off, and where it landed on the ground it landed, and it was staring straight at me like that, and it was mad at me.

You made it angry. Now what's really interesting about this is my mom has an incredible sense of humor, and I was excited that this My Buddy doll was like dead, right? And I remember putting it in the trash and making sure that trash went out and making sure that trash got picked up. I was freaked out by this fucking thing, and then next Christmas rolls along and what did my mom get me? I unboxed another My Buddy doll.

She should have got you a kid's sister. Remember kid's sister? My buddy's sister? No, I wasn't alive in the early 60s. What are you talking about? That came out after my buddy. That came after my buddy. But what came first?

I was scared of howdy-doodie when I was a kid. I got my first marionette puppet at the age of three. I was scared of marbles. You guys have the monkey with the cymbals? Dude, that shit was popular back in the day. The Jack in the Box got slinky. Well, it's a yo-yo chasing me around my room. The what got yo?

The Jack in the Box. Oh, you're making Red Band hungry right now. Now I love Jack in the Box. All right, Alex B. Well, I'm glad that you brought up Chucky. We got to have that fun talk about dolls there. Good job. There you go. You get all the credit for that.

Oh, do I? Yep. OK, cool. How'd you get over that fear? I mean, I'm really. Put the shit out of it. I mean, I meant it. It's a bitch.

Prison style, I like it, right? I own you, Chucky. She cut a hole in it, put a fucking. Chucky goes sucky. Warmed up a rag with a lotion in it. My butt, E. Oh, my god. I don't really know how I got over it. Oh, she fucked up, though.

I will say this, is I remember the second my buddy that she got me that was supposed to be a hilarious prank for Christmas, had blonde hair instead of a brunette. And that really didn't make it quite as scary. Kid sister. Didn't make it as scary as the original Chucky dolls, because it was like this fucking pussy-ass little blonde

doll. Anyway, there you go. Push them around. Alex B. That's actually, now that you bring it up, if Chucky was blonde, not as scary of a movie. Not as scary at all. No one's afraid of a fucking blonde.

Was he a ginger? No, it's a my buddy. Look up. Look up. This is both of them. Oh, my goodness. My buddy and kid sister dolls. Whoa, there it is.

Oh, my god. That actually does freak me out. It's so funny. Watch what color kid sister has. I swear to God, I loved my my buddy doll, like the first two months that I had it. Kid sister's blonde. No, it wasn't a kid sister.

They made blonde my buddies after the original my buddy. And it's crazy, because I loved the my buddy doll the first month or two. I mean, look, they made it. I'm pretty sure they made Chucky after my buddy. I wonder, because this was. Right, Ryan? Yes, they did.

And because what was the Chucky dolls brand? Good guy or something? Something like that. Yeah, it was, yeah. Good guy. It's my buddy. It's all a parody of that. He basically wore the overalls and the fucking little shirt

and everything. But I loved my my buddy the first, you know, I remember like a couple months that I had it. But once I saw it, what I thought was a 360 head spin while I was falling asleep, that was it. You can use promo code killtony now for 20% off your my buddy and my kid sister. Actually, I was just thinking like we got all by Tony

on my buddy dog. I literally was, yeah, yeah. I know. I know. Trust me. I knew the second, the second I said, here's a little something about me and my childhood. I'm like, they're going to get so many fucking my buddy

pictures sent to me. If David Lucas was in here, he would have been like, I'm sure you liked my buddy. Oh, yeah. You're saying booty wrong. My booty. Well, there he is. Alex B. Thank you very much.

I'm going to get you out of here before you sweat the death. Hey, there goes Alex B. Yeah. There goes Alex B. Alex B. All right. Here we go. Another person coming right at you at 1,000 miles an hour. He goes by the name of Nick Reese. Here he comes. Nick Reese.

There he is, Nick Reese, everybody. So my Wayfair cabinet stole my wallet for $200 worth of Fortnite skins. I don't know if I'm ever going to financially recover from this one. I recently started kind of just assessing life a little bit more. My lady has face tattoos.

And I realized that face tattoos on a person are kind of like expired tags on a car. This is coming. I wonder if it's always like who's the school shooter, never housed the school shooter. And isn't that kind of the problem in the first place? But I wonder if the poor pedophiles are super angry at the rich ones.

They're like, man, they don't have to go to fucking Daven Busters or Chuck E. Cheese and just fucking put it in work. They can just fucking, ah, fuck. That's my minute. There you go. 55 seconds. Nick Reese.

That was Nick Reese. Hi, Nick. Howdy. How are you? Can't complain, man. That's right. Where'd you come from to be here tonight? Hemet, California.

Hemet. Remind me of where that is. That is the ancestral cousin of Temecula, about 45 minutes east of Temecula. There is a Scientology base there, isn't there? Big Scientology base. Wow. I've lived two places in my entire life,

and both of them are like Scientology. Hemet and where else? Inglewood. Do you think your parents are Scientologists, like secret Scientologists, maybe? My parents, definitely not. They wouldn't put in all that work, the extra, but there's some weird people in Hemet,

and they look like NPCs in a video game about real. How'd you end up going from Inglewood to Hemet? That's an interesting movie. I have a brother, an older step brother, and he is successful. He got a master's degree in computer science and he has his shit together. So he is able to live wherever he wants. He chose Hemet?

No, no. He chose Inglewood because it was just cheap and close enough to Santa Monica in places where he was working and stuff. And when I was fresh out of high school, he basically offered me to get my shit together to come. Well, there you go, kids. Go get a master's degree, work hard, and maybe you can one day live in Inglewood.

That's fun. What do you do for work? Right now, coasting off the unemployment, I've just been writing a bunch and trying to organize stand-up shows in the IE because there's How about before the pandemic? I sold solar for seven years and then software for a dentist. Like solar panels?

Like door-to-door selling of the panels. Solar panels? Door-to-door? OK, let's do a little act out. I want you to sell me some solar panels. So come, you knock on my door, I answer. I'm like, hey, can I help you? How's it going?

My name's Nick. I'm not here to change your religion or try to sell anything to you today. Oh, OK. I'm in the neighborhood just talking to a few people about some recent compatibility testings in the neighborhood. If you are an owner of a home.

Yeah, I am. I own this home. OK, perfect, perfect. Being an owner of the home, we're just here to notify you that if you see electricity bills above like $7,500. Yeah, I do. I pay like $200 a month. I use a lot of electricity.

Well, you're currently eligible to receive a solar system at no cost out of pocket. Today, I'm not here to sign you up or anything like that, but rather just save a time slot over the next week when I'm going to be coming back and basically just kind of get into a little bit more of the details with you. It's like tomorrow around the same time. Let's do it right now.

How much are these solar panels? Cool, cool. Well, if anything, I could kind of start doing it. How much are the solar panels? They range like 17 to 35 range from average house to thousand. Yeah. And how much is this going to save me? Well, I mean, if you own the panels outright, then...

100%. I won't have to pay any electric anymore? Yeah, unless you use more than what the panels generate. Well, how much will they give me enough? If I'm paying $200 a month in regular American power, how much? If you could, grab your phone right there and just call Edison real quick, get them on the line. Yeah, they told me I use 47,000 gigawatts.

OK, perfect. Well, then I can just plug that in. So right now, that means your average bill is roughly like... You want to come in, have some coffee? I would love for a hot of shit out here, man. OK. Ice coffee? No, it's hot, boiling hot.

Well, yeah, I mean... Unbearably fucking hot. Water is cool, too. OK. Come on in, have a glass of water. So now we're sitting at the kitchen table. Bedroom. I have water, or you're drinking ice water.

I'm having what appears to be an unbearably hot cup of coffee. Each time I take a sip, you see blood and blisters boiling off of my lips. It's very awkward. You don't know whether you should say something, but I'm not showing any reaction to the ridiculously hot coffee. I keep taking a sip every 10 seconds or so, but I'm not showing any reaction to it.

I just keep sipping on it. So now we're at the table and action. So you're telling me that there's a chance that, with the energy that I'm using, that for only 35,000, I might never pay another electric bill again? Yeah, careful. Yeah, so basically, with what you're spending right now, as long as we're breaking even or lower than that,

you're saving money. So if my system here says, with how much your usage is, with your average bill currently being 250, I'm going to be able to bring that down. So you mean to tell me that Edison's not going to give me any problems if I tell them that I'm no longer interested in their service? Like, isn't it going to cost them something to come up here and shut off all my stuff?

No, the most they can do is drag their feet in the final... ...final turn-on process and basically just more or less... At this point, you just saw one of my front teeth fall out from the heat of the coffee. What do you say there? What do you say? Before we call Edison, can I call someone? Anyone?

You should call Edison, tell him I don't need my power anymore. We can put a solar panel where your tooth used to be, if you want. Who the fuck are you? Who let you in my house? I'm sorry, I'm just a Scientologist. Did you unlock my back door so that another one of your salesmen could come in? All right. This is your home security.

Nick, what's your love life like? I have a fiancé. We've been together for, like, going on six years in April. Wow, fiancé. When are you going to get married? Do you have a date set? Is she Asian? No.

You have a date set? We had one, and then... 9-11? Thought about it. We had one set, and then coronavirus shit happened, and so it's just been kind of... What ethnicity is she? Just a normal white girl? Yeah, a white Italian chick.

Oh, a white Italian, look at that. Her name's Rosa? No, Frankie. Frankie? Whoa, hey, fucking Frankie. I actually like girls with the name Frankie. Oh, that's adorable. Yeah, of course.

So you guys are going to get married in Hammett? Are you guys going to find a nice tent that's on fire? A nice trailer park. What does she do for work? She does nails, acrylic nails. Oh, shit. She's like popping it. Yeah, she doesn't have it out of our house and stuff, but she's got a relatively poppin'.

She got a Hammett pop in social media. She got 11,000 followers. Damn. I have a question. That's like the Kim Kardashian of Hammett. Go ahead. What part of you at all excited that corona hit and you didn't have to get married? Tell the truth.

For now? Pretend like she's not ever going to watch this. Financially, I was a little bit like fuck, yeah, but I mean, it's not on a commitment level. We've just been through a lot. You're very committed. Do you do anything in the bedroom that is a little routine that you like to have that you wouldn't want to share with anybody but all of a sudden you're about to? You play with a butthole like her butthole. You play with her butthole?

How do you do it? What kind of guy? You use your middle finger? I mean, she's got like a fat ass. So like I just kind of like slap that thing and then just kind of thumb act. Oh, you thumb it. Okay. That took you for a middle finger ass whole time.

Oh, that the bus driver. Oh, look at that. Frank knows. Frank, you play. You have a, you have a, you have a, no. No, no, no. I'm married. She's not like that.

I always call it the hitchhiker. Let's go back to nervous laughter. So you graze your thumb over her butthole. Do you ever, you usually get a good reaction from her when you do that? It's, it's, it's a 50-50. Yeah. It's, yeah, it's a 50-50. It's, it's like, I, I know I'm taking a risk every time I go there, you know, cause she doesn't like, she doesn't like bus stuff.

So like that. So it's like. Oh, right. Does she do it to you? No, no, I don't play that shit. Hell no. You're from Hammett. You ain't from fucking no gay place.

Like Temecula. Yeah. Yeah, Temecula Queers. Ain't from fucking, I ain't from no goddamn homosexual fucking northern suburb. Right? You ever see me going to Calabasas? Do I have like a red neck? No, no.

I was just wondering cause like somebody else outside was like kind of like making jokes along those same sound lines. I think like, just double check it. No. No, you gotta like, I shoot ducks and put fingers inside them kind of. No, you got like the, I lost all my skins from, on Fortnite from the Apple thing. Is that true? Did you? They made like a whole video, like a 1984-esque thing that was kind of like, A, obviously way above the heads of any.

Right. Yeah, that's exactly what I thought. I thought that didn't make any sense. Way to play towards your audience of ADD fucking misbehaving children. Anyway, that was so cool what you did for your nephews though. Yeah, I mean they, they have their little adorable YouTube page where they just play Fortnite and of course I want to help them out but I can't tell people what it is cause then all the scumbags go there. But they were legit crying because they had built up this 30 follower YouTube page. Everything was destroyed and my sisters were like, well, I guess, you know, maybe they could get a PlayStation for Christmas and shit.

What were they playing on? They play on iPads. They play everything on iPads. And they destroy on iPads. So they got this, I got them a PlayStation and now they're just destroying a PlayStation. It's amazing. Wow. Kids.

My goodness. Gracious. You ever ride an e-bike before? I have actually. You have? Yeah. Hell yeah. You're built like an e-bike.

It's fun, right? Yeah, it's pretty fun. E-bike podcast? Yeah. I was trying to aim for like original content, a BB to it. Yeah. What hobbies do you have? You seem like the kind of guy that shoots a BB gun at like empty squirt cans or something like that.

What are you into? You look like you know where all the best hot dog stands are. You look like you're really good at getting the ketchup out of a bottle at the diner. You look like you'd be really good at that. Like you have a good like fucking ketchup stroke. Honestly. Am I right about that? I mean.

You don't ever let that ketchup stay in that fucking bottle. You gotta tap the 57. You collect those little dolls with the big eyeballs. I know the story about the tap and the 57. I know they're supposed to like a trick to it. It's supposed to be like you keep it on its side. You make trap beats. Let's go one question at a time here.

Let's go back to the ketchup. Show us how you would empty ketchup out of a glass ketchup bottle. Show us right now without any hesitation whatsoever. Use the microphone. There you go. Yeah. You hit it against anything. Just show us.

Nope. That's we don't need the fart noise. Let me see. Let me just see his approach here. Oh you hit it from the back. My goodness. Do you ever thumb its asshole? All right.

I don't know. You know the secret about a ketchup bottle right where you hit it on the little mark on the side. I always do the old. I'm from I'm from an Italian family. So I always do the old fucking Robert De Niro the two handed. Oh Jesus. It's never coming out of there Frank.

This guy is jerking off a nine year old boy over here. It's the fucking Jerry Sandusky ketchup approach. Go ahead. Jeremiah is very excited. Draconio and I have the perfect technique and it will get ketchup out of any glass bottle. Okay. You have to have resistance with one hand and then you use your other wrist and this

is the bottle and you go. That's horrible. No it goes everywhere. It goes perfectly. Honestly that's solid form. Also you look like the bottom half of you shops at the same place. Lucas does. Oh my goodness.

Oh wow it does. You're like Lucas David over here. I like the kicks. Very trendy. Thank you sir. Thank you. Alright. Anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go Nick.

Any fun facts about Nick Reese. He once saved a person's life. You were the lifeguard at a gravy. I used to rap battle people in Venice Beach. You used to rap battle people? Right. You used to rap battle people in Venice Beach. Really?

If we gave you a little beat would you be able to rap a little bit for us? Yeah I mean I was busting flows with Michael Lair. Come on. Just do it. Get right into it. You want a beat? You want some instrumental rap music or something? Or maybe Joel could lay down a little.

There you go. Yeah. There you go. A little bit lighter. Like we could go volume down a little. There you go. Yeah. Okay.

There you go. Make sure you put your mouth right up to that microphone so we can all hear you. It's always freestyle. It's always freestyle. Alright. Kill this. That's right. Kill and kill Tony.

Heard the way that I'm a spit it. See I killed these jabronis. Heard the way that I've been doing this. The way that these flowings happen about me. That's right. A lyrical oddity. I'm beyond these beats. That's right.

Beat up and on it. See speaking honestly. That's right. Me I be bombing beats and anytime I got it. I gotta spit these philosophies so everyone can understand what the fuck that I gotta speak. So I've been spitting here right throughout for rapping it. Bucking up a bit but I still keep on capping this. So if you would just sit back and just nod Bob.

Everyone was like oh shit man. He's got drop. Damn. Very impressive. Hell yeah man. Very impressive. My god. You have to be the best damn rapper in Hemant.

Most definitely. Very, very awesome Nick. Another great guest on here this evening. Interesting stuff. Great interview. Fun set. Thank you so fucking much for coming by here. I appreciate all you guys.

Hell yeah. There he goes. Nick Reese everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Step back from that. My friend. All right.

Onto the next one we go. You know what? Before we get to our third and final regular. Why don't we do our last bucket pool? And then we'll close with our third regular. Does that sound fun? Okay. Ladies and gentlemen.

Here comes Ryan Joseph. A comedian. It's been on this show before. We've had fun with him before I do believe. He had a great set here one night. Late last year. And he's back. Ryan Joseph.

So I was dating this girl. I didn't want to tell me that she was a post-op transgender. But I was kind of suspicious. You know, she was really funny. I was in bed with this girl the other night. And I started sucking on her toes. I mean, she freaks out. She's like, what are you doing in my house?

I was dating this other girl I met on Tinder. I knew she had kids because they were on Tinder. She actually wanted to bring one to our first day. I was like, fine. As long as he looks like that picture. I don't write rape jokes. It's nothing funny about a woman wearing a wrong dress. The first time I fingered a girl,

I was under the bleachers in the high school football field. I don't remember her name, what she looked like. I mean, it's hard to see who's sitting up there. Wow. Ryan Joseph. Jesus. Ryan Joseph doing it again. Fucking incredible.

You've been on this show two or three times. Third time. That's right. And every single time you've had great sets, great fucking jokes. Very, very funny. Remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up again? 18 months.

I've been doing it during quarantine. I don't really give a fuck. Where you been doing it at on Zoom or what? I've been doing it at my friend's mic down in therapeutic noise. And I've been doing it, they closed down because a bunch of comics ratted us out. Because they weren't getting spots or something? No, anyone could come.

We were very welcoming. We were getting death threats and shit like that. Frank, you've been doing a couple shows during this thing, right? Yeah. All right. Yeah, I have. Yeah, and they got a mic going on over at fourth wall. Yeah, just doing it.

Sometimes I don't even know why, because it feels like comedy is just dead, but I'm just addicted to it. No, it's still happening. It keeps me writing jokes. When it shits over, your muscles are going to be fine-tuned compared to a lot of people, you know? Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah, for sure. You had a great set tonight. Thanks. Thanks to everyone in life. Remind us of what you do and what your sort of story is. I am an instructional designer, but I work at a university and I just got in trouble because someone looked up my jokes on YouTube

and I had to go to the office of diversity and equity. Oh, diversity and equity. Yeah. You ever thought of a stage name, maybe? No, I told them I'm not taking my shit down. I don't care what you say. There you go. They couldn't do anything about it.

Look at that. You stood strong. It was one of those like, we can't tell you to take it down, but we'd like you to. Yeah, yeah. Right. But I was like, okay, so can I go back to work?

That's fun. Do you have any other hobbies or things to do to pass the time or get outside or anything during this whole... I was playing, I mean, I played guitar and stuff, and I met a girl during quarantine, but I just broke out with her. Oh, wow.

How long were you hanging out with her for? We bumped out tonight about it, actually. Oh, damn. A couple months? Like, quarantine started. Quarantine is like, after DGAC for women. Yes, it started in March,

so when did you get together with her? I think April. Okay. Yeah. And then what made you end it? Well, like, she was dating another guy at the same time when it was just casual and we weren't exclusive,

but once we were, I wasn't really comfortable with her still being like social media contacts and shit like that. Oh, you get jealous a little bit easily? Well, it's more of like, I kind of looked at it like, just like if he doesn't mean anything to you,

why fucking have him on your Instagram? Right. You know? Yeah. You wanted her to delete old posts or she was posting new stuff? Well, just like being, you know, cut in ties. You know, it was the big problem,

but she said no, and I was like, all right, well, fuck you. What do you mean cutting ties? Meaning like, she was following him still on Instagram. And they were still talking and stuff. Probably. Yeah.

I mean, well, the other night, it was like, I didn't even worry about it and think about it, but like, she gets insecure and she would be like, have you been talking to any of the girls you were dating while you were dating me? And I was like, no, but like, you're the one that still wants to like

follow people. She liked that. Oh, yeah. And she's like, oh, erase his number right now and erase it. I'm like, well, what about his Instagram? She's like, no, no. Oh, yeah.

And I was like, that's some shady shit right there. Am I wrong or am I wrong? Well, I mean, it's an interesting thing. I mean, I'm not really, I'm not really that kind of guy. I sort of think like, you know, you just fucking own it and roll with it. You gotta have trust with them.

If you're dating somebody you don't trust, then that's the problem. It's not that they're following somebody because I follow almost every single girl I've ever dated. And I'm sure my girlfriend doesn't love it, but she trusts me. So it's not like, you know, that's important. Right.

But like girls that you were dating at the same time as her? Yeah. That's a little weird. Yeah. The fact that she was like, well, are you, you know what I mean? That for me is like seeing that I'm like, I mean, truthfully, that's where she lost me.

Yeah. Like not, I would never ask a girl to unfollow anybody. I didn't ask her. Right. Yeah. But the second she says, are you tagging any of that? It's literally like, oh, you might as well be, you know, you might as well be a transvestite goat like Elliott

because I don't want to fuck you anymore. Yeah. And, but I might fuck you for another three years. Like Jeremiah did with Elliott. Just because Elliott was in my fave five from T-Mobile didn't exclude me from other women. I was totally cool. I was totally cool with it until she did that shit.

I was like, wait a minute. So now you're a little bit bummed out tonight. Why? Because you're a little bit lonely. You're wondering if you made the wrong decision. I've been through before you fucking, you break up with someone you think it's, you know, you're going to be alone forever.

And then you find another girl and then you're like, what was the other girl's name? 100%. So what was the reason that she gave you for not wanting to unfollow the other guy? She said at first, she doesn't want to be controlled. And I was like, well, I don't really feel like it's controlled. Like if you're in a relationship,

you can like speak out something that makes you uncomfortable. And if he's just a dude that you hardly knew, that you're looking at what's the big deal. The fact that she brought it up first also kind of makes me think like, oh, she's feeling guilty of talking to them. Yeah, exactly. You don't bring up shit like that unless it's going on with you. So it's hard to like cut it off yourself.

I usually just like make them miserable first. Then they cut it off. That's the right way to do it. But no, so I was just like, no, that's totally fucked up. Like you know when something's up. So when did the breakup happen a couple of weeks ago? Oh, today. Oh my goodness gracious.

Wow, that is fresh. It still might not be over. You guys might have great makeup sex tonight. Well, I told her as soon as you want to fucking not, you know, have anything to do with that guy, then you can make a call. Otherwise, don't. Damn, that's a good line.

Would you be down for a threesome? Oh, Frank wants to join you. No, not me. That other guy. It's Frank. Jesus Christ. He doesn't like Bud play. He's going to be doing the bus driver on you later.

Frank's like, I can't be on top. I'm scared. My goodness gracious. Ryan, do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom that you like to do to a girl? Do you have something that that you're into? You do the old, the old. No, I quit watching porn, right?

Like it's been like a year or so. Wow. What made you do that? Were you addicted? Well, no, like I met this guy that was a sex addict and he told me why he didn't watch it. And what was his reason? Yeah.

Was he kissing you? Why? And I was like, why can't you get it up? No kidding. But what did he say? Why did he stop watching porn? Well, I mean, like sex addicts are weird because they have like fantasies and shit.

It's not like they're addicted to sex with people, really. It's more of like their fantasies that drive them crazy. Like the scenarios? Yeah. They just stay home and jerk off the fantasies or something. Oh, is that what that is? Yeah. Turns out you're a sex addict, Douglas.

Very interesting. What's the most times that you've masturbated in a day? 23. Wow. Look at that. Well, 23 boners in one day. I did not complete all 23 times because after a while stuff stops coming.

Oh, my goodness. Very true. That's interesting. But I haven't looked at porn myself in four months since quarantine started. So you stopped watching porn. Porned in. And were you watching a lot of porn

before you stopped watching it? Yeah. It becomes like, well, what can I do? I guess I'll watch porn jerk off. Ten minutes. You know? But I was listening to him and I was like, I'll try it, right? And I noticed that like now, like when you don't watch porn,

you're actually like excited when you're actually with a girl. You're like, you're 13 again and she shows you her boob. And you're like, whoa, it's a boob. And then you come all over the place. Yeah. You don't want it anymore. Yeah. Right.

It's amazing. Yeah, I mean. Have you had a wet dream since you stopped watching porn? No. No. I never had one of those. Me neither. I've had them once.

I wanted one. I used to have them all the time. Really? What is it like? You just wake up. Is this Douglas or Jeremiah? It's definitely Jeremiah. The character is falling in and out of this portion of the show.

My friend used to have them quite a bit because he didn't jerk off until later time in life and would have multiple a week. Yeah, that builds up. I mean, yeah, I can't go. I can't promise you. I don't want to get too much into detail, but I'll just say this. I can't go that long without finishing. Or you'll have wet dreams?

I mean, yes. I literally can't go. I would say Max for me is probably a few days. I have a very serious. I have a lot going on down there. Wow. There's tentacles. I clocked my shower drain.

Maybe one day when I'm on my deathbed, I'll talk about all of this. The Kill Tony deathbed episodes are going to be amazing one day. I'll be able to really talk about a lot of things. Michael Larrer is up first, right? Come on. All right. Ryan, this is fun. Anything else we should talk about before we let you go?

Anything else crazy going on in life? No, man. Thanks for giving me the opportunity. You know, it's just good to perform. I have to just hope that one day people will wake the fuck up and lock down. Absolutely. 100%. Let me know the next time you have another minute that you want to do.

We're going to get you on as soon as you're ready to go again. I'm always ready. Because there's a lot more that I want to talk about. Plus, I want to get an update on this episode because my theory is that you just broke up today and you're about to go fucking pound this chick into oblivion. I don't think you're going to last. You're going to be like me having to bust a nut. I'm not going to last two or three days.

I don't want to go back, dude. I respect that, bro. You know, like I got to now that I laid it down. If I fucking say, by the way, change my mind. I was like, no, you call when you're done. And so now I have to like go find a prostitute or something, right? Yeah. It's hard to get one of those right now.

I know, man. Things are fucking hard. Is that true, Red Band? That's what I've heard. No. All right. There he goes. Ryan Joseph, everybody.

Thank you, Ryan. Great shit. Yeah. Now when you. Yep. There you go. Now when you fuck a prostitute, you have to stick your dick all the way up their nose. And an oral test.

Oh, air one. What is that supposed to mean? He was making a COVID test, right? Yeah. Yeah. Stick it up your air too. Whoa. Ladies and gentlemen, it is, it is that time of the night where I get to bring up one of

my favorite comedians in the world. He is a regular here on this show and every single episode, he is always very, very impressive with his incredible comedic styles. A legend from Chicago and now a legend here in Los Angeles. I present to you truly one of the greats, Michael Lehrer, everybody. There he is. Ladies and gentlemen, he's approaching the microphone. This is Michael Lehrer.

My doctor's like, you have the body of a six year old grandma being double penetrated at Sturgis. What the fuck is wrong with my doctor? God damn Obamacare. My doctor's like, you should do yoga. Yoga is stretching for people who can't make friends. All right. Speaking of doctors, hey Fauci, how about you find the gene that controls ugly so these

babies aren't so fuckable. Even Nickelodeon turned into too hot for TV and all you pedarasses get help or kill yourself if you walk in fucking dream characters. Wow. Very honest set from Michael Lehrer. I got trying to kidnap me when I was younger. You did? Yeah.

What did he do to you? Well, he pulled them to me. You know with a stick ship how in certain cars like a Jeep, it'll like rattle? Yeah. Well, I thought that was what was happening, but he was jerking off and I was like eight and I was like three feet tall and husky. And he's like jerking in and he's like, hey, do you know where Main Street is? I'm like, yeah, it's right over there.

And then he goes, okay, and I keep walking and then you push up again and he holds up a porno magazine out the window and he goes, you like pictures? Oh my goodness. And then I started running from my fucking life. Wow. What do you think he was going to kidnap you, huh? I think he just wanted some ass. Right.

Exactly. Hey, let's move on to something more fun. Has anyone else almost been kidnapped or molested like that before? I mean, come on. That's pretty rare. Actually, I've ever said I live in West Hollywood, I almost get molested every day. What happened? You go ahead, Frank.

You tell us your story. Actually, my mom told me this story. She was walking from school once and some dude pulled up and it was just butt naked and tried to get her in the car. Wait, your mom almost got molested? No, she almost got kidnapped when she was in like high school. By a naked man? Some naked guy just pulled up, just over the door and tried to get her in the car and

she was like, what the fuck? He was naked driving the car? Wow. My God. That's insane. Jesus Louise. Mom was hot in high school. Must have been a sick shit.

Yeah, a way to show your cards, I mean, that's a way to get the party started. That would just be weird. I can't imagine driving naked. That's almost weirder than molesting a kid. I used to not get naked, but I would change on the way from school to my car wash job because I wouldn't have time to get there in time. So I would change while driving. Is that true?

Yes. Is this Douglas or Jeremiah? Yeah. Wow. At stop lights, I'd be in my boxers and shirtless and changing really quickly. I once jerked off driving home from high school while driving. That's impossible. I've tried to do that so many times.

It just doesn't work. Yeah, I did. It was fucking disgusting. One of the guiltiest, grossest things I've ever done in my entire life was blow a massive load on my school shirt. We lost them. We lost them. Oh, no.

Oh, no. That was it. Clear. Oh, there you go. He was playing possum. Hey. I mean, what the fuck, guys? I'm sorry.

You brought. You bring these stories out in us that we haven't told on the show before. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hey, but I have something fun for all of us. Go ahead. Tell us.

All right. Well, you know how you were saying fun facts. I brought a bunch of fun. Wow. Right. Come and get this and pass it out to everyone. Can you zoom in on that, David? What is for everyone?

Thank you. And pass them all out. Everyone's name is on it. And now it's some fun fact about me. Oh, my goodness. So when we sing the fun fact, we all go fun fact for fun. Fun fact for fun. Okay.

So how do you want to do this in order? Number one? There's numbers. Okay. I'll go first. I'm number one. Well, let's sing first. Okay.

Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact.

Fun fact. Here we go. I'm going to read my fun fact out of my envelope. It says fun facts on it. I don't know if you can get that. And here we go. Did you know Michael was upwards of... Michael has upwards of 10 family members in the Los Angeles area.

And none of them have contacted him. Wow. That's an interesting fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact.

Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. No. It doesn't seem exact. It doesn't seem very fun. Red band's number two.

Here. Lets see what happens. Yeah. This one. It'll be better. Here we go. Okay. Let's sing a little.

Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Did you know Michael's fun physique is not the product of diet and exercise. But the result of his disease ravaging his body.

Much like someone with AIDS. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Wow. Who's number three. It would be me over here. Oh.

Wow. All right. Poor guy. Did you know the only surgery Michael has ever had was to untwist his balls. Currently there exists no surgery that can help Michael Larrer. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact.

Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Wow. This is my favorite segment of all time in the show's history. Who's number four? I'm so excited. Did you know Michael's pee pee leaks pee pee.

All pee pee leaks pee pee. Michael sometimes worries that his pee pee leaks more and that pee pee could be pee pee on the wall. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. I want to ask questions about that one but for something in my instincts they're telling me that I don't want to.

Who's number five. This is great. That would be me. Here we go. Here's another fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact.

Fun fact. Fun fact. Here we go. Did you know Chroma Chris was never a marine. Hashtag stolen valor. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact.

Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. This is great. I love the sax. It's the best one.

It's a little bit longer than the song. Last one. Here we go. Joel gives Michael free drum lessons in exchange for orchata enemas. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact.

Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Fun fact. Wow.

That was very interesting. That was so much fun. There was a lot of fun. And that's a fact. Yeah. But that was fun. That was fun fact. And all that is true.

I mean, I had a circular torsion. I fell on a fence in third grade. And my boys got twisted them. And they had not twisted them. That happened to a couple of my friends in high school. And I've always been deathly afraid of that. Always hearing about it. You're going to have to explain it to me.

I don't understand. Well, I mean, your balls are, your balls are, you know, they're inside of a sack and they're connected to things and they're pretty, pretty safe. Yeah. Obviously, they're pretty durable. However, if you're, if you sleep, you know, sort of cross legged or whatever, and you roll the wrong way in the right exact motion, you could conceivably tangle them off. I've always tried to push one ball to the other side.

It never worked. So I'm glad I found this out. I was a kid in my high school who would do it as like a party trick, like, like twist them around. Wait, what? I've heard of a friend who got kicked in the balls and no, no, no. Yeah. He got kicked in the balls and they like went up and they like got stuck and they didn't

know what to do. So they like picked them up and threw them down on the floor because they thought that's what would get them back out. Jesus Christ. My God. Like on his ass. They're like, these guys have clearly never seen us teach people how to get ketchup out of a bottle.

Just turn them upside down. I have a friend who can fit a ball in his butthole. Oh, good video. Yeah. What's his name? Jeremiah. Wait. Are you serious?

Wait, have you done that before? Have you done that before? One of my balls can fit like on the outside of my anus. What? He got some hangers. What do you mean? If you pull it back, then you can put the ball. I've seen it.

There's a porn star who can do it, but I didn't know my friend can also do it. Have you ever shoved it into your asshole? Tell the truth. It's not like it goes. No, he has to tuck it in like a magician. Have you tried? What? Putting it in your asshole?

I mean, it doesn't like consume it, but it's like, hello. Well, I mean, I think if you get it far enough, it will. I think a lot of people could probably do that. Right? All right, let's try it. Fun facts. Oh, Michael died again. Oh, no.

Michael's dead. Michael. Oh, that worked. Michael. Can I compliment the craftsmanship on all these cards? It is incredible. It's like the time and effort that went into it. I guess he did not do this.

No, he did it. Do your nurse's last girlfriend do this? Yeah, she did. Thank you, Colin. Was she your nurse before or your girlfriend before? She was my girlfriend, but I looked and I'm like, I bet this bitch can wipe me real good. Yeah. That's awesome, man.

What else has been going on this week? Anything crazy? I've been doing crazy physical therapy because my goal is to get a tricycle. Me and Brian. What? I want a tricycle. Oh, you want a tricycle? A little one.

You're going to get an e-trike? Yeah. I actually have the perfect one for you. I can show you later if you want to meet at the e-bike hut. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, you know. Okay.

Hey, Wendy's. I mean, does that sound cool that way? Well, it just gets the bucket squished. Yeah, but now I'm getting- You guys can roll out together. In Buffalo, I had a tricycle, but then my physical went down, but now I'm fucking kidding in the back. Yeah.

Man, I might be able to get on the tricycle again like a big boy. You're a goddamn motherfucker. Yeah, so I may be cruising, listening to rap music. Oh, me and Nick on IG live, we freestyle with each other. Man, I mean, yeah. That makes sense. You guys are both much hipper than you look. Yeah.

Let me bust and loom. Oh, you want to? All right. Give him a little beat. Give him the same beat. Here we go. Nice and light on the instrumentals so that we can hear them clearly. Yo, let me get a suggestion.

Manhattan's same charter in the house. You want a suggestion? Yeah. All right. How about water? Water. Oh. H2O.

Here we go. I get on the mic and I throw fire. I need that water for a hire to pour that water. OK, guys. There you go. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Wow.

That was just unbelievable. I mean, very, very impressive freestyle about water. Red Band. So there's a guy named Jerry Rake Everything. He's a huge YouTuber and his girlfriend or wife, she's in a wheelchair. And they built this badass e-bike like quad thing. And it's called, if you go to NotAWheelChair.com, this shit's crazy. You can go through snow, through sand, and it's badass.

How do you recommend it? And it's off the shelf. Yep. They'll ship it right to you. Check it out. Oh, wow. Look at that thing. I go for Mad Max up in this bitch.

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, that's very impressive. That is indeed a decked out wheelchair. Look at that thing. It's like a snowmobile. Holy shit. My goodness. Oh, that's impressive.

All right. Well, Michael, fun times. Michael and I took our relationship to the next level this week. We went from texting to FaceTiming. We made a big jump this week. How do you come faster on the face? That's true. Yes.

It's much easier for me to come on FaceTime than it is via text message. That is true. Recommended a great movie to me. I knocked that out real quick. Maybe. It was Moneyball. I never saw Moneyball. And he was, we were talking about something and he used an analogy for Moneyball.

And I watched it. And I was very amazed. I avoided it because I'm not a big Jonah Hill guy. This was my favorite Jonah Hill performance that I've ever seen other than, of course, Django Unchained, which doesn't count. Well, I guess he'll never be a guest on this show. Yeah. I guess he won't be since he gets, you know, 25 million a film at least.

Oh. Yeah. He's sort of on a different trajectory than most of the guests. How much does he get a film? This is the Roast Battle Season 2 winner from Comedy Central right here. This is a big deal. Yeah. Jonah Hill's getting 25 million.

I got $25,000 once. Yeah. He got $25,000 one time four years ago. Nice. You still have some of that left, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

Fun times, people. Support our sponsors. Good job, Michael. Enjoy yourselves. There goes the great Michael Lair. MichaelLairComedy.com. He's got a ton of merch, a ton of great stuff. Here comes the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt.

You know what? Are you here, David Dairy? Jump on that camera. And all right. I guess that's good, actually. Yeah, that looks great. Look at that. Very impressive drawing this week.

I have a bow and arrow. Frank Castillo has a shield. Douglas has a shield and a sword. David Lucas, William Montgomery, Erwan. Fucking the great Kevin, the Galactic Space King. Malachi, the assassin. Very impressive drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt. That's available at RyanJ.Ebelt.com.

MichaelLairComedy.com for his amazing content and merch. I have a bunch of new merch up on my website. A ton of stuff. You can get a bunch of fun stuff going on over there. And my Patreon's fun, too. The history of roasting and how to do it, featuring all the writers from the Comedy Central roast staff that I've worked with.

Over the last decade, a bunch of other fun things. Frank, what do you got going on? I got a great podcast called Buddies. Me and my homie JP. We cover all the weed news and culture and give you the best places to go buy your weed. And you were also on an episode of my roast show on Patreon where we broke down how to win a roast battle

and the adjustments that you've had to make on the fly and how you won that tournament and the hilarious voicemail that your mother left you when you told her that you had to battle a guy in a wheelchair. She thought that God would never forgive you for that. No. Thank you so much, Frank, for joining us. Believe it or not, the Douglas this entire time

was actually the great Jeremiah Watkins. He's on Venmo with Jeremiah Watkins. He even prints it up for you, even though you can't see it from that camera angle at all. At Jeremiah-Watkins, you can't see that? He wants you to know that that's how sad he is, that he has a piece of paper he's holding up. Jeremiah, tell us about the content

that you've created this week. Absolutely. Thank you for that inquisitive question, demon lord. It is, Jeremiah Wonders has all of some awesome episodes of Dr. Phil if you want to catch up and original characters as well as Joe List and the Kill Tony band if you haven't seen that in the last couple of weeks.

We're doing some really cool, fun stuff. Thank you. Hell yeah. The great Jetski Johnson was here, everybody. Moneyball Jetski Johnson. Check out Comedy Store Podcast. I did a podcast with Mitch Burrow who was on the show quite a few times recently

through The Looking Glass. That's great. And you have some fun stuff on the way too. And by the way, she has a Venmo. It's at Jetski Johnson. It's even on paper here for those of you that don't believe me. All one word. Jetski Johnson.

And I heard right after the last time she put it up that she was getting Venmo's while the show was still going on. Very, very awesome. That's very incredible. We're proud of you. We're proud of you. Well deserved. The great Chroma Chris was here all night, everybody.

That was Malachi, the silent assassin. Thanks. I don't want to be reaching or anything. You know, I don't want to promote my Venmo at Chroma Chris. That's good. He is at Chroma Chris. All one word. What do you think about tonight's episode, Chris?

It was a magical journey, Tony. But now we must battle through the depths of the Internet to battle the trolls of the dark world. Yes. Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez was on drums all night long with TV dinner trays on his shoulder and crotch area. He held strong back there.

Joel, what do you got? I'm new mostly sorry tomorrow at five on YouTube. I'm trying to build a little music studio. So if anybody wants to send me a MacBook Pro or money to my Venmo, it's Joel dash Jimenez. There you go. You can't win if you don't play. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Send me a MacBook Pro also. It has happened. Yes. I have a bunch of new merch, a bunch of reprints. I'm wearing one right now from an old shirt. Got new podcasts. We just did our 100th episode of virtual red band.

So check that out all at Desquad.TV. Absolutely doodly. We'll be back next week with another show. Good night, everybody. Thank you.