KILL TONY - KT #584 - RYAN LONG + CHRIS FAGA

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

Ryan Long, Chris Faga, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 11/07/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band Company Live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for TonyHinchCliff. Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh? Yeah, we're in it everybody. Come on people, make some noise for Brian Motherfucking, in the flesh. Creator of podcasts, eater of foods, he's here.

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You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Guys, how about a hand for the fucking band? Am I right? That is the Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. That's the great new recently engaged Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The great Paul Deemer on the horns right here, Matt Mueling on guitar, and that is the one and the only D motherfucking madness right down the barrel. And the great Ryan Jebel is here right over there drawing tonight's episode, hiding in

the wings right now. That is the legendary Ryan Jebel, fresh in from a plane ride from Southern California. He has drawn literally hundreds and hundreds of episodes of the show. He's here live. He's originally from Texas. How about a hand for our friend Ryan Jebel? All right, let's have some fun. Every single week I have two of the best guests on Planet Earth this week.

No different. Two of my favorite comedians coming up through the ranks in New York City. Two fucking hilarious dudes. Make some noise for Ryan Long and Chris Vega, everybody. Let's go. Guys, make some fucking noises for my guests. That's the great Ryan Long. This is Chris Vega.

This is Kill Tony live in Austin, Texas. Ryan Long, I do believe making his third appearance on the show. Welcome back, Ryan. How are you? Hello. It was a good time on Kill Tony last time that that's how I have sex now. I say, babe, you got one minute and then my friends are going to roast you for five. That's right.

That's right. This is Chris Vega's first time as a guest on Kill Tony. Make some noise for Chris, everybody. Welcome, Chris. How do you feel tonight? I feel great, Tony. I love it. Thanks for having me.

Excited. My man's already drinking a lone star, fitting in much better. He's been here one week and already fitting in better than the boy from California. I just caught him adjusting his hat. He's like, maybe I should wear it different. He's got bangs and shit this fucking guy. You guys know how the show works. Before everything started, back there, comedians, make some noise for yourselves.

They're deep in the gullet back there. A hundred of them signed up for an opportunity to do 60 seconds on tonight's show. If I pull their name out of the bucket, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which is just a loud noise. My volume just went down somehow, which is just a loud noise that cuts them off. Then I interview them for a few minutes immediately after that.

It's all improvised and we don't know what's going to happen and we all are going to get through it together. You guys ready to start tonight's motherfucking show? Guys, this is the number one live podcast in the world. Are you guys ready to do this shit? Ladies and gentlemen, going up first tonight, instead of reaching into this bucket, we're going to start it with someone we know, a consistent, goddamn creative force. You know them, you love them. Sing along if you know the words because this is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim. What's that? So if you're going to tell, I ride a moped. I love riding a moped. Everyone's so happy to see me. I think it's because they think I'm there to deliver Chinese food. I got an Asian moped, which is the equivalent of a white person's minivan. I can fit my whole family on there.

White people are like, holy shit, they're setting the poor Asians now. It's the rapists and the criminals and the drug dealers. But yeah, recently Kyrie Irving posted something anti-Semitic and then he had to give the Jews money, which is funny. I apologize to the Jewish community. I will give them what they love the most. Thank you. Hans Kim coming in.

Powerful. Look at you. This is a new look, huh? Yeah. You decided to keep your fucking gigantic helmet on through the whole thing. Yeah, it kind of makes my head even bigger than it already is. Yeah, kind of definitely does. I love this.

I didn't know there was a fucking South Korean power ranger. This is very exciting. Is that GoPro on? No, I think I forgot to turn it on. That would have been a great idea. Yeah, a real missed opportunity there, Hans. Wow. Oops.

Hans Kim, I feel like you right now look like the Mortal Kombat character who's finishing move only works on women. I can never finish with women, but... Hans Kim. Hans Kim's in the fucking zone. How do you feel, Hans? How's this week been for you? It's been amazing, Tony.

I went to New York City with you. I felt like the prince of New York with my... With my daddy Tony. You did good. We had good work. Four crazy ass sold out shows. Easy breezy, ate a lot, rested a lot. Yeah, ate a lot of Italian food with you.

We did. We did. We did the fucking tourist trap. We were like little boy blue in his fucking Gary Clark hat over here. Fucking... We did the tourists on this guy's poor guy. I'm watching his soul leave his body. It's incredible.

Aw, he's fucking red and bullied right now. I love it. Man, that guy's headwear is ridiculous. Yeah. I've been through this before. I've been too mean to people on this stage before. I feel like this guy's gonna put out a video that's just tightly edited of mean stuff

and say this is what this guy said to me during South Carolina Heritage Month. My sweet, sweet Hans Kim. Yeah, we had a lot of fun in New York. At one point, I'll tell you guys this, a little inside information. Hans Kim closed the door in the green room and went pee and it was so fucking loud.

It was incredible. I don't think I've ever heard a pee stream quite as powerful as yours. Are you aware that you have a strong pee stream? Me and William were laughing very hard on the other side of the door. I've heard this mentioned before to me. Now, do you think it's because

you have a big penis or a big pee hole? Because it sounded like you're hung, which is also your middle name, so that's pretty cool. Hans Han Kim. There you go, that's the Asian word of the day. Everybody, when you hear that sound... You have a big pee hole, Hans? I have a big pee hole.

I think it's because I keep the pipes clean pretty regularly. What does that mean? I... I'm mentored by R. Kelly. I come a lot. Wow, Hans come over here. How do you do it? You have a girlfriend, what else do you do?

How do you have so many releases, Hans? I've been looking at some fine quality Japanese porn recently. Wow, you like Japanese porn. It's pixelated, why do you like that? Because of the seduction. How they get from normal people to sex partners, I like that transition.

So you like the story of Japanese porn? Yeah, I meant it for the story. What are their stories like that's different from like American trash porn? I guess it's more like they don't want it and then it... Oh, Jesus. Hans. Hansy, are you...

Are you accidentally admitting to watching rapey porn right now? Um, yes. Someone who's... Like, do you have like a favorite one? Do you have... You do have a favorite one, what's that video? Where they owe the Yakuza a ton of fucking money.

It's the massage ponds. Sometimes there's like their husbands right next to them and then they have sex with the masseuse. Wait, so massage porn is when a girl's getting a massage and the guy ends up doing more to her? Yes. And she's saying, oh Jesus, you don't have to say yes like that. And then she starts saying no?

Well, I don't really speak Japanese, but... This is Texas. We just assumed that you all speak Japanese. Very interesting, but it feels like she's saying no to you. Yeah. That's an important part. Wow. That is so fucking frightening, Hans.

I'm pretty sure this video is going to be used against you in court someday. Hans, do you ever go to court? Hans, do you ever go to massage parlors? Do you ever get it, you know, the yester at a massage parlour? Well, my girlfriend might watch this, so no. What do you mean? I would, but I have a girlfriend and she's very nice to me,

so I try to be nice to her sexually. That's great. Very good, Hans. That's great that you put that together like that. You know, sometimes I hire a big Japanese massageist to come in and whatever happens happens. I love it. Hans, I didn't realize you were so much like fucking... Bobby Lee. It's Sean Watson. Perfect. Right on time.

Right on time, Tony. So, you have a moped. You're out there. We finally know how you're going to die. This is very exciting. How's it been out there? You driving a moped. It's been fine. I've been taking the small roads, avoiding Texans. The smaller roads. Yeah, I was just like, it's going to take longer, but it's like a fast bike.

No ego, no stress. Wow. How are you going to live in a moped? That is true. Hans did famously live in his van, and now he only... Do you still have the van? Yeah. Oh, okay. You ever drive the moped like up a ramp and into your van? If you refer to a 14-year-old girl as a moped...

18. Hans, you're a wild, wild boy. I love how you can get the show started every week with a minute of stand-up comedy. We all love you. That is Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you, guys. That is Hans Kim. That is Hans Kim. That is Hans Kim. That's Hans Kim.

That just was Hans Kim. I'm pulling a name out of the bucket for the first time tonight. You guys ready to get crazy? We're going to meet somebody together. Let's all meet together for the very first time. Someone that goes by the name of Diego Cegarra. Diego Cegarra. Here he comes.

One more time for Diego Cegarra. Holy fuck. All right. How about all those scary people outside, huh? You know, they sure are bad vibes. It's like Halloween's over, guys. You can chill out now. Ah, shit.

I thought that was going to get a standing ovation. All right. How about this one? I'm from the great country of Ohio, if you can already tell. It's great to be here on the big TV screen. I know what you guys are thinking right now. Man, this guy's really tall. Thank you.

Ah, shit. I thought that was going to get a standing ovation. Fuck. All right. My next joke here it is. Call my dick. Dwayne the Rock Heart Johnson. Are you guys just not in the mood for standing ovations tonight?

What's going on here? Ah, shit. There we go. All right. Diego Cegarra. Chris, what do you think about this guy? You look like the black people outside kicked you out of being homeless.

That is true. I've never seen anybody that looks like a full-time Tonka truck driver before. Thank you. Thank you. You are like a grown-up little boy or something like that. I can't decide exactly. You could be literally any age.

I wouldn't be surprised. Anything between 13 and 61, I would believe. Thank you. It's actually quite incredible. How old are you? I'm 25. 25. That's actually the saddest answer that it could have been.

Anything less would have been better. Anything more would have been better. 25 is just depressing, dude. And his stepdad just left and he's the man of the house now. I have a good relationship with my dad. He loves standing on the step of this fucking guy. He looks like Sarah Silverman, like an undercover TV show. He's like Sarah Silver Boy.

Really? Oh, look at you, you little guy. I love it, Diego. You're adorable. Oh, my God. You getting ready to do some work up at the North Pole with your big dog? Looks like the only racist elf on the North Pole. Diego, what do you do for work?

I work at a data intel communications company. Oh, okay. A data intel communications. Yeah, we put the computer wires inside buildings. Oh, okay. Because you have such tiny hands, that's easy for you. I get it. I see why that would be good for you, Diego.

Where do you do that at? Where do you live? Columbus, Ohio. Wow, Columbus, Ohio. That's where you're born and raised? Yep. Yes, that's the sound of a winning college football program, everybody. Just to let you know, that's what that sound sounds like.

That's where I was born. That's where I grew up. What part of Columbus, Ohio? Oh, nice. Right now I'm in New Albany. Look at you, little bitch. Oh, look at you, little rich boy. What do your parents, what does your dad do for work?

He works at the data intel communications company, too. Oh, wow. And then he just comes in in his pocket. Yeah, so he just fucking got you the job, huh? Yeah, you can say that. Wow, it must be easy to walk a mile in your father's shoes when they're size four and a half. Yeah, I did too much weed in elementary school, that's why I am. You did too much weed?

Yeah. Yeah, I can tell. Because normally someone would say, I smoked too much weed, but when you say, I did too much weed, that means that it really fucking stunted your growth. Did your dad buy you that weed? How else do you explain this boy bod that you have? What else? What's your diet like?

What are you eating? I'm Puerto Rican. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I weigh a nice 110 pounds, too. All right. See, it's the opposite with Puerto Rican women, you know what I mean? Yeah. Big cock country music, below average cock comedy jokes.

Aw, man. How long have you been doing Stand Up Diego? This is my first time. Aw, come on, put your hands together for Diego. That's adorable. Is this something you've always wanted to do while wearing sweatpants? No. Uh-uh.

You know we can see your fucking little fucking Diego right there, you know what I mean? We can, it's very obvious what exactly you're dealing with. When your dad bought you that outfit for work, this is not what he had in mind. Why are you wearing on stage what girls wear to sleep in? You always dress like this, Diego? Oh, no, uh-uh. And what is the big cock country music hat that you're wearing? Oh, just free advertising.

Are you a musician? What? No. You're just advertising another band? No, just my big cock. Yeah. Are you saying that you have a big cock? Yeah, I wouldn't be smiling.

Or he's just big on your body? I wouldn't be smiling this much if I didn't. It's three and a half inches long, everybody. When you're four foot one, that's basically 17% of your mass body index, so. I can show it right now if you want me to. No, nobody wants that. No, no, it's detachable. These people are from Iowa, they can't handle that.

There's four people. I love it. Do you have a girlfriend, Diego? Yeah, I got a girlfriend. She's here tonight. Oh, really? She's on the line up. How big's the cock?

She's walking funny right now. You guys came here together? You bought tickets? Yep. Yeah? No, we just signed up. We didn't buy tickets. Oh, she signed up too?

Yep. If she got pulled, she would have done her first time ever here tonight? Yeah. Really? What's her name? Layla Ingles. Layla what? Ingles.

Ingles? Yeah. That's what a hillbilly name that is. All right, I got to see it. You stay up here, Diego. This is the Kill Tony debut of Layla Ingles, everybody. We're going to see who is taking this cock. Yeah, I don't get this with the little penis.

Shut up, Diego. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Layla, everybody. Oh, shit, they used the same notes. Come on, one more time for Layla, everyone. I was afraid you were going to do my jokes. I was going to be pissed. Okay. Anyways, hi, guys.

I'm Layla. Crazy how much this microphone looks like my magic wand. I kind of want to put it down there and go to town. But maybe if it was actually a magic wand, it would grant me some better jokes or orgasms. So I got my blood drawn the other day. The artist did a really good job. I'm a woman. I was born a woman.

And it's really hard to be a woman because at least once a day you hear, ma'am, I'm going to rape you. My last joke was going to be, Diego has a big cock. I'm just getting hit up. Oh, oh, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Not only does she come up here and literally do four times better than him, but at the very end, the final sword is just saying what we already knew.

The Diego's fucking packing blanks down there. Chris Vega, what do you think about what just happened? I thought her pet name for him was Magic Wand. Hey, that's a good point. So let's talk about it. That's your first time doing stand up. This is my third time doing an open mic. I'm so nervous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cold too. It made me feel better saying that I just had to get it out there. What? I just had to get it out there that I was nervous. I'm sorry. Move on. You're okay.

I will move on. What do you do for a living? I'm a waitress. I've been a waitress since high school. Okay. Very, very good. He's also a waiter serving up that big cock. I'm still waiting on one of his punchlines.

It's been, I ordered 20 minutes ago. Layla, it is incredible how much funnier you are than your boyfriend. Oh, my God. You live in Columbus, Ohio as well, obviously. I do. We live together, but I was born and raised in Dayton, Ohio. Okay. Like 10 minutes away from Yellow Springs.

Okay. So I know Dave Chappelle everybody. Oh, wow. Okay. So you guys live together in what kind of dollhouse exactly do you guys live in? I don't know. In an apartment. We actually took all the feet off of our furniture so they're lower to the ground.

Oh, my God. Dude. Dude. Oh, my God. She is burying you right now, dude. She is burying you. I don't care how big your dick is, it is inside of you right now. That thing is fucking maximum tiny.

I could see how you two get along though, because your sweatpants is revealing as her bra-less- Oh, yeah. It's cold in here. Nipple. Here's where my nipples are, everyone. It's almost like he was like, babe, if you wear that shirt, I'm going to wear my fucking dick-showing sweatpants.

I love it. What's the craziest thing you two have ever done in the bedroom? How long have you been together now? Oh, it's been like four and a half years. Okay, so I got to know. You two are young bucks. You're out there. You're in your early 20s.

What are you guys doing when you're not fucking searching for Pokemon? Well, if by Pokemon you mean threesomes, we are searching for that. But the craziest thing we've ever done- A threesome would mean you'd need two more men. But what's the craziest thing you have done, not these hopes and dreams that you have of being fulfilled? Probably. We got this concoction that ties my wrist to my heels, and then I'm in this-

Oh, shit. I'm in this crazy position. I can't move, and then he takes my magic wand. So you tie your wrist. There's something that goes around your wrist, and then your ankles. Yeah, so it's like ass up- So they're the same height? Yeah.

And then what, you're just stuck on your belly? No, I'm like stuck, ass up, face down, and then he'll take some toys and do shit to me. He takes some toys and then drives them around the apartment. Yeah. He just starts playing, it's a rattler. Yeah, you just tire up and then have all the fun to yourself. I fucking love it. Absolutely incredible.

So hand the mic off to Diego, and now I'll ask you, Diego, what do you think is the wildest thing you two have done sexually in all your years together? Fuck, I don't know. There's a puppy. Oh, I'd say probably coming on her face. I think that's pretty disrespectful. Did you have a ladder? Yeah.

He was playing fireman, it's all good. He just shot on his hand and then flung it at her. Spider-Man. Amazing stuff. You guys are adorable. God bless the state of Ohio. Congratulations on your first time. So you want to catch these?

Those are real joke books by the great Bones Eye. Oh, man. Thank you. Make some noise for Layla and Diego Sagara, everybody. Layla Ingalls, Diego Sagara. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun yet, huh? Fucking better, B.

All right. Oh, we know this young lady, very funny comedian from the great city of New York City. Now lives here in Austin, Texas. Put your hands together for Leonarda Joni. Excellent for Leonarda, everybody. What's up, guys? I'm a conspiracy theorist. Anybody else in here like the truth?

I don't trust the government for shit. I don't care what they tell me. They're like, hey, you should drink eight glasses of water a day. I'm like, why? What's in the water? Is this why everybody's gay? Because I'm not having it. You understand?

Some of you guys are like, but I'm gay. Stop drinking the tap water. What do you want me to tell you? I used to believe in UFOs. Anybody believe in UFOs? Aliens? Yeah. I was right there with you.

And then Hillary Clinton said they're real. And I said, nope, those shit's a demon's. No wonder they're so into anal. You guys upset that that vaccine's not working? I was pretty disappointed. I made a lot of plans. I signed my dad up for his fifth booster, but the fuck are still alive.

I'm going to get out of here. I love it. Leonarda Joni. I love it. I love it. I love watching people like me that came from very, very liberal places and slowly Texas just turns you into a monster.

I absolutely love it. I feel the same. I literally not only agree with you, but honestly, I'm fucking a little bit jealous of that fucking Hillary joke about UFOs. That shit's amazing because she's the worst human being on planet Earth. Yeah.

If I say it four more times, I'm going to kill myself. So Leonarda, you're amazing. A true professional comedian. You did it again. How's life going? You've been on the show multiple times, always a fucking destroyer. What's happened?

It's good. I mean, I got banned on Instagram. Oh shit. What happened there? She's like if 4chan made a girl's opinions in a lab. I did a trans baby sketch and they didn't like it. So they were like, get out of here, you bitch. Wow.

It's a trans baby sketch. Yeah, I was babysitting my friend's baby and then I was like, let's make a fucking video together. That's amazing. Last time I heard of someone trying that, it was Tiffany Haddish and Aries Spears and it did not go so well. Was that Instagram that took it away

or child protective services? No, I still got the baby. You got the baby. I love it. What else is going on in your world, Leonarda? You're a real comedian. You've been on spots all the time. Yeah, I'm trying, working, you know.

Remind us how long you've been doing it again? It's been about three and a half years. Three and a half years. You started in New York, did it there for a couple years. I did. How long have you been in Austin now? About a year and a half. Tell us what you love about Austin.

You've been here a year and a half. Try to explain it to the rest of the country if you can. Okay, so I like that I don't have to think about what I'm going to say when I do my jokes. You know, like in New York I was like, is somebody going to try to kick my ass after this trans joke? You know, here I'm like,

somebody's going to ask me out after this joke. It's true. Comedy is better here. There's no doubt about it. Here someone's going to kick the trans person's ass after your joke. Yeah, I've never seen somebody that looks so much like they're into pegging that hated gay people that much.

I love it. Do you have Info Wars thong on right now? Dude, that's my jam, man. That's my fucking jam. I do. I know. I get it. I'm with you.

Yeah, absolutely. What else, Leonardo? What else about Austin that's non-comedy related? Like, what's something that you love about this place? Is there anything new in your routines? This is going to be very surprising to everybody, but I happen to like nature, okay? Like, look at Red Band's face.

Yeah, Red Band doesn't leave the house. I like that there's all this nature stuff you could do. You know what I mean? I mean, we have Central Park in New York, but you're always like, am I going to get blessed? Right. All this nature talk sounds like someone's been drinking

the tap water. And Leonardo, you famously have... Are you still with your boyfriend? No. Oh, newly sent. How long were you two together? It was like almost four years. Yeah, we broke up in July.

Okay, yeah. What happened there? Was that mutual or what? I think, well, you know, we just, we were like on different wavelengths, and I was like... He recycles. He was...

I just think we got to the point, we were kind of like going back and forth for like the last year, but he's a great guy. I got nothing bad to say about him. Right, right. He's really good. Now, how's your new dating life going?

It's really rough out here. Tell me, there are no men left. Right. There are no men. I know. I know. I understand. It's out of control.

I went... Tony, what do you mean you know? I get it. I get it. There's no good men anymore. I know. It's all boys. We need a real man.

We just met a real man. Him and his chick are looking for a threesome. If that does anything for you. Yeah. You met two girls. That's what you met. Leonardo Joni. Have any of these comedians been hitting on you?

Comedians? All the time. I had no idea. And you don't ever give into that temptation. I mean, come on. Tony, come on. Have you seen the pool? Have we seen the talent pool?

Right. Like the last guy that was up here? I mean... No, I just don't like to do that because it gets messy. Right. And then you got to be like, oh, can I be on your show? Remember that time?

I did a favor for you. Right. Yeah. Absolutely. I get it. Comedy's wild. I love it, Leonardo. A great new set.

You know, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. 10 o'clock. Boom. Just got booked on a real show. Make some noise for Leonardo Joni, everybody. There she goes. That's a real professional right there. Make some noise for...

That's the future right there. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. We're all going to meet him together. Make some noise for Michael Francis, everyone. This is Michael Francis. How many of you like-o-ing comedians do good on this show? How many of you like-o-ing comedians do bad on this show?

Make some noise. One more time for Michael Francis, everybody. I really came here. Not even expecting to get on the stage. I seen a bunch of white people outside and it was like, it looks like I could just sell them some weed. So, I ended up on the stage. I got three daughters.

Women. That's what they teach me about the most. Same, same, same, same. Hey, you've never been in a car with four women hungry at the same time. Straight bitches, man. God. And I'm big. No boys.

There was no boys, too. So, my daughter came home one day and she said, Daddy, I think I like girls. Oh, man. My heart dropped. That's all I got. Are you sure? Follow me on Instagram, ASAP, Mike, three years.

Oh, shit, are you plugging shit right now, dude? Shit. Oh, my God. Holy shit, bro. All right. Okay, let's go, Michael. How are you? First of all, how do you feel like that went?

Shit, you talking about a tiny dick, I feel like my dick went in my body. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we all feel the same way right now. After this, Leonardo's is gonna... You look like Shaggy if it wasn't me, it was about killing her family.

Yeah, I don't know exactly where to begin with you, Michael. You look like if the weekend had a rough weekend. Michael, where are you from? From New Bern, North Carolina, 252. Oh, shit, all right. The very rare 252, everybody. 252. From the great state of North Carolina.

Gotar Hills. Absolutely, absolutely, Michael Francis. And how long have you been trying stand-up comedy? Shit, I just told you. I just came out here to sell weed to white folks. Sell weed to white folks. Pay attention! I can only understand half the shit you say, Michael.

I'm sorry. I don't speak North Carolinian. So let's talk about it. What do you do for a living? How do you make money, Michael? Shit, retired out of the military. Okay, he's a fucking hero. All right, look at that.

I was wondering why you had a grenade shell as a haircut. That's exciting. It's very... It looks like you have some shrapnel in there still. Where'd you serve? Russia. Man, Fort Bragg, North Carolina. You just stayed in North Carolina the whole time?

Yeah, that's what they just said. Fuck it, man. Did you really serve in the military? Or did you just buy a camouflage outfit one day? What are we talking about here? I'm like, where'd you serve? He worked at a bar. It's like chilies for a week when they fired me.

What did you do for the military exactly? Shit. I can't tell you on the stage. Yeah, you can't. It's secret? Shit. The army would be mad if I told you I didn't do shit. Wow.

An American hero, ladies and gentlemen. Incredible. Just like many of the great soldiers, Quote, he didn't do shit. Incredible. Absolutely. What did you learn when you were in the military? What kind of military is this, by the way?

Are you talking about Eagle Scouts? What is this? Thank you, Red Band. The United States Army. You're clapping. Like you've been in the army before. Is this... Your brother's in the army.

Very good. Wow. Fuck yeah, absolutely. Great art. Michael, so what do you do for fun? Are you just visiting Austin? No, I live out here. When did you move here?

Shit, I moved out here about two years ago. Two years ago. And with your kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All three of them. Full-time dad. Full-time dad. I love it.

And you're still with the baby mama? Yeah, it's my wife. That's your wife? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, what does she do? She does hair. She does hair? Wow, that is literally unbelievable.

And she... She must be the worst fucking hairstylist of all time. This is incredible. His pubes are immaculate, though. I mean, holy fucking shit, dude. You look like you let fucking D-Madness style your hair. That is incredible. Hey, man, I'm bringing it back.

D-Madness literally has cooler hair than you do. Incredible. Now, don't fucking... Don't do that. Don't do that. So stupid. Ignorant. Stupid.

Now I hate you. Yes, slipped up, Michael. All right. Michael, is there anything interesting about your life? What's so ever? You have any special skills or talents or anything like that? You good at anything? Man, Snoop Dogg can outsmoke me.

Yes, he can. Yes, he can. This is one of those punk-ass things to say about somebody that's great at something. That means I'm greater. I fuck good. Hey, I got three fuck trophies. You have what? Three fuck trophies.

Three fuck trophies? What does that mean exactly? Zero pull-out trophies. Oh, I see. Fucking kids. You think kids are a trophy. Were you fucking your wife while she gave you the haircut? It is true.

I do believe he's good at sex because of the hair. This looks like a guy that fucks for like 12 hours a day. Wow, man. Incredible. Also bragging about fucking your wife's funny. Fuck this girl so good. Big tits, mother of my kids. Michael, what's the part of North Carolina that you're from famous for?

What's it like known for? Shit. Nicholas Sparks is from there, I think. Oh, the great Nicholas Sparks, of course. The William Shakespeare of North Carolina indeed. Hey, you know white folks love Nicholas Sparks. Okay. What are you writing?

What? I have no idea who you're talking about. Dear John, right? Dear John? You don't even know what the guy famous in your hometown did. That is incredible. Okay, Michael, it was nice to meet you, man. Congratulations.

Here's a little something for you. Catch that. Absolutely. And onward we go. Well, let's fucking turn this show up to another level right now. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring up another regular on this show that moved here from Los Angeles to Austin, Texas. One of the great writers, one of the great roasters of planet Earth.

Makes some noise for David motherfucking Lucas, everybody. Yeah. I don't fuck with girls that use words like love bombing, toxic masculinity. The gaslighting. Or you rape me. Like, what do you mean I raped you? You never said no. Like, you going to tell me you talking your sleep now, bitch?

Like, what the? Girls are like, I can't believe you raped me. Like, I didn't rape you, bitch. You were drunk and I took advantage of you. There's a big difference. Like, these kind of girls, they just don't understand my love, man. Like, they don't. Like, you only said no two times.

Everybody knows rape is not to the third no. Yeah. It's like Beetlejuice. Yeah. All right. That's my time. Fuck yes. The great, the powerful David Lucas.

Yeah. Coming in with a rock solid brand new minute of material as always. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome, David. How you doing this week? How you feeling? I'm chilling.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. How dare you? Yeah, right. I love what you got going on on the top of your head. I didn't realize fucking. I don't even know, actually. I don't even know where to begin with that.

That is incredible. You got Ryan Long and some other gay white guy next to you. This motherfucker got a pink pizza hat. What the fuck is this? I'm not surprised. David's funny because he does look like Patrick Patrice O'Neill in a wearing a fatter suit. That was horrible.

Fuck. All right. You're right. Fuck, fuck. All right. What do you got? Dammit. With that bullshit, motherfucker.

All right. Ryan Long, let me introduce you to my friend, David White. How about this? Everyone thinks that Chick-fil-A is closed on Sunday for religious reasons. It's just because he goes there Saturday. Ryan, you look like Travis Barker. Yeah, yeah.

It's not bad. You look like Travis Barker. I just got it. You got to let him. All right. I'll let him make fun of you back. Just because your joke didn't work doesn't mean you get to step over it.

Hey, brother fucking gay ass. I've always heard the term gray area, but I've never known what they were talking about until I saw the shirt that you're wearing today. I mean... Tony, why your face is red? You let some man sit on it? Wait, what?

It's red as shit. It's red? Hell, yeah. Well, you look like an uncooked turkey, nigga. Well, we know what you do with those. You cook them and then eat them continuously and then sleep and then wake up and eat some more. Make sandwiches out of it.

Tony, you got a thousand miles on your feet for marching for gay people. You have zero miles on your fit bed. Oh, I got him hitting his vape band. Look at this. It looks like Mount Vesuvius is going off over here. It's fucking... It's just smoke and ash all over the stage right now.

Why is the middle guy not roasting me? He was roasting everybody else. Come on, brother. What the fuck, brother? You fucking crossfit instructor? I'm honored to be roasted by Uga Booga from Nightmare Before Christmas. Hey!

Yeah! Boy, your ass got gay step-daddy energy, nigga. Shut your ass up. You look like one of the turnips from Mario 2 in Blackface. You look like a homosexual arm-wrestling champion, nigga. Get your... That motherfucker only...

He only wrestled gay niggas. Boy, get your ass up out of here, boy. I am. Yeah, boy, your ass. You make deal-dose-by-hands with them arms, nigga. And they be pulling it out. We need three more inches. We got him.

We got him, boy. Oh, my. Fuckin' swole. It's called jelking. It's a good way to make your penis longer, all right? Holy shit. What the fuck is... Look at the blue-ass arms, boy.

What'd you say? Goofy? Shut up. Everybody at this table needs to complete the shot. All right, man, look at this. You laugh and you sit there. I wish the camera was on you so we could roast your goofy-looking ass.

That motherfucker look like a Native American pedophile. He does. He does. That motherfucker be sneaking in the tip-heese. We need to seize the kid. He feels the real hi-ya-ya-ya. All right. Very good.

Back to Ryan Long. You fuckin' flamboyant, ostrich-looking motherfucker. That's three gay jokes in a row. Is that the formula? Gay jokes are his bread and butter, which is also his bread and butter. I've been sitting on that one for years. That was a good one, Tony.

We know what you don't represent. Straight men. Oh, come on. You're not straight yourself. You're pretty curvy. I don't know if you know this. David doesn't touch his own dick. Not for straight reasons.

Just can't see it. This motherfucker is writing. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. On a fuckin' live podcast. Get your long-legged ass outta here, motherfucker. I can't win. I'm over to it, David Lucas. This motherfucker look like a human daddy long-legged spider.

Boy, get your dumb ass up outta here. We've lost a lot of comedians to suicide. Ryan would be the first public suicide we've seen here. I think I'm just gonna go gay, so when he calls me gay, I'll be like, yeah, what now? Hey, you look like you cried when Aaron Carter died. My boy, my sweet, sweet boy is all grown up.

You are correct. He does look like he cried when Aaron Carter died. I lost my partner in crime. He looked like a homosexual arm wrestling champion. That boy got UK pop band hair. Get your ass up outta here, boy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, David, you are an unstoppable force.

I try, man. What else is going on in life? Plug something, tell me. Oh, shit. I'm in Tampa at Side Splitters December the 16th and the 17th. Oh, shit. Oh, this whole table gonna be there. There we go.

Help me sell that motherfucker out, dawg. Side Splitters, that's also what your pants do when you bend over. Tony, your nickname is Ass Splitters. Get the fuck up outta here. Tony, you can sit on a stump and tell us how old that tree was. The only stump I'm gonna be sitting on is when you lose your foot to diabetes

and I sit on your leg. Tony, you the only nigga that removed hornet's nest with his pants down. What's crazy about that one is not only is it funny, but I actually do that sometimes. I remove people's hornets. This is the dumbest show of all time. You gotta love it.

I can't believe we do this every week. It's fucking insane. When Fauci had a poster from Monkey Park, it was your face on it. Oh, my God. Oh, my. They were like, tell Tony to get that booty six feet. How dare you?

I can't do the rebuttal that I want to on that one, but it does involve the word monkey. And it would have been a good one, but I didn't do it. Do it, bro. I don't give a fuck. I know you don't give a fuck. It's the white liberals visiting from Southern California that I'm a fan of.

One of the best in the world. See them, support them, represent the great David Lucas, everybody. Holy shit. Jesus Christ almighty. Michael Tony Nemesis. Oh, my God. He's the best.

He's literally the best. He's a freak. Back to the bucket. We go. You guys ready for more strangers? Okay, we know this young lady. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Christina Mariani, everybody. Here she is, everybody. Christina Mariani, everyone.

Hi. I was really nervous, so I had a few drinks, and then I drove here. And I don't know why they say your reaction times are slower when you drive drunk, because I hit those kids just fine. I'm not super sexually experienced,

but, you know, I met a guy that I wanted to hook up with, but I was nervous, so I asked my friend for advice. I go, so what should I do? You know, in bed during a one-night stand, and she just looks at me and she's like, what do you mean you're a girl? Just starfish.

I was like, all right, huh. Sounds exotic. What's that? And she was like exactly what it sounds like. So, you know, later that night I meet up with the guy, and, you know, I'm just... And he's like, he's like into it, right? He's like, oh, this is hot. And I'm like...

Go ahead, finish it. No, this is Patrick. Very good. Thank God. That was a huge payoff in the end. That's good. Christina Mariani. Welcome back to the show.

You've been on a few times. You were discovered by Red Band here, and you've been doing a lot of spots on, literally almost every single one of the Thursday shows. Red Band books you and puts you on in the middle of the lineup right before him, and then follows you with some creepy joke that never works. What is it again? She escaped the kidnapping or something?

It's horrible. Christina. I'm his babysitter. Wait, what? I'm his babysitter. Oh, that's what it is, yeah. Literally the audience is always like, oh, what? And then he goes on.

But he thinks it works. It's good. Christina, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? A year and a half now. Year and a half. All of it here in Austin? Is this where you were born and raised? Born and raised in Stockton, California. Stockton, California?

Indeed, our good friends, the Diaz brothers are from there. Absolutely. The 209, not to be confused with North Carolina's 252. I love it. So you survived Stockton, that place is wild, and now you're here. What do you love about Austin? Oh, there's always something new to do,

and everyone is really nice. Oh, yeah. Why do you think you have this demeanor all the time? I just get really nervous talking in front of people. I feel like one-on-one, I'm a lot less awkward. But I think just when I get into these situations, it makes me nervous. Oh, gosh!

D Motherfucking Madness, with the great advice of closing your eyes. Absolutely incredible. Christina, you've been on the show. Tell us something about your life during this interview portion that we've never talked about before. Give us something interesting, maybe something that's happened to you,

or from your life, or your family, or something. Well, I feel like I have a drunk alter ego. Yeah. Maybe everyone does, but mine gets really crazy. I got kicked out of a club in Vegas recently for rushing the stage. Yeah? What show is this?

Oh, I don't remember. I just got a little bit crazy, and I just thought it would be fun, because I didn't want to be on the dance floor anymore. Wow. So they escorted you out of the show. Well, I tried to run away. That was the part that I think got me kicked out.

They tried, they were like, sorry, you can't do that, and I just sprinted in the VIP area and was just jumping on tables. Do you remember what kind of show it was? Was it rap? Yeah, no, it was EDM. It was EDM.

Okay. Very, very good. And what were you, you were just on alcohol? Yeah, I just on alcohol. And how much did you drink before doing this? Well, my friend made me a drink, and I think that was the mistake. Your friend made you a drink?

No, no, it was a girl. Don't worry. Was it a lesbian girl? I don't think so. The EDM soundboard is out now. You got to look out. This has been, we've seen this before, ladies and gentlemen.

It is a real thing. All right. Did this DJ just have a dancing bear head on by chance? No, no, I don't know. I didn't even see the DJ. So what else when you're drinking like this, and you said your friend made you a drink, is that what it takes to get you that fucked up?

I just feel like it was like mostly vodka, and I had just flown in. So I feel like when you fly, it kind of gets you fucked up just flying, you know, like the altitude. He's going to be telling the judge that story. Okay. So are there other things that you've done

that are getting blacked out drunk that are embarrassing? Well, I'm blacked out, right? So I don't know. You don't find out or remember the next day or anything like that? I just kind of like piece it together, but it's never anything that bad. I guess I got kicked out of the dancing piano bar,

because again, I was jumping from piano to piano. Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness. How often do you get this drunk? Not often, not often at all. That's like, I can probably remember just a handful of times, and that's why. Right now, Red Band is already starting to make the drink

he's going to give you on Thursday. This is very exciting. I would love to have you babysit my girlfriend tonight in Flugerville. I think she's younger than me, right? You guys are wild. Ladies and gentlemen, she's... Actually, I would love to have you on The Secret Show, of course.

Thank you. I'm going right. Yeah, there she goes. Make some noise for Christina Mariani, everybody. All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, Joe Krizak, everyone. Joe Krizak. Krizak.

K-R-I-Z-E-K. You guys having fun out there still? Here he is. Joe Krizak, everybody. Yo, yo, yo, what up, dogs? My name is Joe. JK. Joe Krizak. Come on, baby.

Oh, I want to get straight to the point and talk about the more... the Chris Rock slash Will Smith pounding. No, I'm not talking about you and me, baby. Let's have tonight. That's for tomorrow. I'm talking about the way Jim Carrey's reaction had on him.

And the way the world's reaction on Jim Carrey after he rapped Jennifer. Or I like to say, blissfully smothered upon her lashes. Lips upon the silver zone. Oh, the backlash in the world and the universe and to infinity and brand type of energy. Me, my poor Jim Carrey. Retire.

Poor Jim Carrey. But with every negative, there is a positive. Wow. Joe Krizak, everybody. I've always wondered what it would be like if Adderall had a baby with mediocrity. Absolutely incredibly bad. Yeah, you're the worst, dude. Where are you from?

Grab the microphone, you fucking garbage idiot. Man, I'm a high little bitch, man. Where are you from, Joe? I'm from Manitowoc, Wisconsin. Where? Manitowoc, Wisconsin. Oh, wow, the home of the Averys, of making a murder thing.

Oh, I never realized the importance of that. I've only been asked like twice. Right, okay. He's like a pedophile that gets into pickup street because he's afraid of talking to the kids. He looks more like one of the kids that gets... Hey, buddy. I wouldn't change a thing.

I thought that act was incredible personally. Thank you. Thank you, my friend. It's so good that Ryan Long's little brother could be here tonight. Joe, you don't have to respond to these things in the microphone. You're literally one of the least funny people that have ever been on this show

in nine and a half years. That's fantastic, dude. Thank you so much. Stop talking. Maybe you didn't hear what I said. But it's a comedy show. So you just filling time with... doesn't really help anything.

You get it, Joe? How long have you been doing stand-up? Yes. I've been doing it for like three, four years, maybe five years. Oh, God. I was really hoping years wasn't the word you were going to say at the end of that.

But I've done it like twice, and then I researched and like put it off life and then came back and did it twice. What trauma happened to you in your life that made you think that you're funny? That's it. Are your parents still together? I got a brain injury.

What? Are your parents still together? No, people with brain injuries are hilarious, by the way. Yeah. You don't have a brain injury. I tried to be, man. I tried. Your parents are still together?

No. Really? What happened to them? They broke apart. How old were you when that happened? 20, 20, 20. That was going to be funny, yeah. 20 was the accident.

20 years or older, because it didn't affect your sense of humor. Yeah. You see? It's weird. That's crazy. I bet you're hilarious in Manitowoc, Wisconsin. Yeah, yeah.

Manitowoc, yeah. Very good. What do you do for work, Joe? I am the long-awaited steakhouse, a host with the most. Oh, God. Oh, buddy. Oh, God.

He's the guy who tells the other waitresses they need more flair. Oh. Joe, is there anything interesting about you? Have any special skills or talents or something? D-Bandist is about to beat you with his blind stick. Oh, man. That's the sound of laughter, Joe.

I don't know if you hear that, but it's a wacky noise that people make. Wow. So you're trying this like weird thing that Andy Kaufman was good at like 40 years ago, but you don't have it. Shoot. You need timing and beats and common sense

and understanding of how... I think it's autism, Tony. It's not. I'm sick of us blaming autism. This is a dumb fuck. That's what this is. That used to be a thing. 10, 15 years ago, you used to go,

oh, that guy sucks. Now it's like, oh, he might be autistic, and I'm not giving you that. Definitely not artistic. I'm not giving you Dr. Red Band's diagnosis on this. I think you fucking suck, Joe. Yes, that makes sense, man. I don't want there to be any confusion.

Hold on. Do you want a second opinion? You fucking suck, dude. Oh, do I? Really, really? You made him lose his blind powers to open his cane. You suck so fucking much.

You fucking suck, dude. But those of you just listening to the podcast, D-Madness just cartwheeled off the stage to get away from all those. Joe, there's nothing we could do with you, buddy. Okay, that's fine. There he goes. Joe Krizik, everyone. There he goes.

Not even a small joke book will make its way back to Wisconsin. Hell, yeah. I like this guy's style. All right, thank you, thank you, thank you. How about one good boo for Joe? Anybody with me? Yeah.

All right, that's as bad as it gets right there, I promise you. Make some noise for your next Canadian out of the bucket. Anything can happen, obviously. It's Mel Safi, everybody. Mel Safi. Or Mel Safi, perhaps. Oh, here comes Mel, everyone.

Come on, everybody. Make some noise for Mel. Hey. I'm obviously pregnant, so I couldn't do as much cocaine as that guy. It's not good that I'm pregnant, though. This is going to be a third fucking kid in my house. And when I found out I didn't know what to do,

the nearest abortion clinic is 282.9 miles away. Not that I checked. It is a boy, for now, these days. I actually, I don't have a name for him yet. And my daughter, she's so sweet, she really wants to name him Jack. I think it's a great name, except my last name is Sofie.

Jack Sofie. Jack Sofie. It took me a while, and I put it together, and now I have no idea how to tell her that we are not naming him Jack. Enough about little flesh light. I want to talk about my husband's here tonight. He is the bomb,

and not just because he's from Afghanistan. Seriously, his name is Amza Muhammad, and traveling with him is a pain in the fucking ass. All right, all right. Mel Sofie. An absolutely adorable performance. Super likable. You took your time.

You have common sense. That's incredible. What a wild relief. I can't tell whether you're great or just going up after that last guy is amazing. You know how to do it? How'd you get pregnant three times if you don't know how to fucking put the cord back in the thing?

Jesus Christ. Do what Muhammad did to your pussy. I got it, I got it, I got it. You said that the guy that you travel with is named what? Amza Muhammad Sofie. Oh my God. And this is the father of your three children? Yes, the first one's my stepdaughter,

but he is the father of all three of them. Okay, with a name like that, what is his ethnicity? His dad's from Afghanistan and his mom's white, so he's a half-gan. Shit, that's incredible. Incredible. And he's hoping the baby's born on September 11th? But I fuck with you not.

Our first date was on September 11th. Wow, look at that. And he rammed his plane into your World Trade Center, huh? Incredible. Absolutely incredible. That's how these guys do it. You think he gets a little building seven on his birthday? Yeah, a little bit of that falling tower.

Mel, where'd you meet this guy? How do you end up with a Muhammad? We met on Bumble here in Austin when I moved here. Are you sure he wasn't on Bumble? That's incredible. And Afghani on Bumble. And you're like, okay, this sounds dangerous. Did you pat him down before the date?

So where was this first date at? He actually took me to Uchi here in Austin. Oh. Okay, yeah, that's a sushi place. It's like the 7th best sushi place in the whole city. Incredible. I love it. And you guys had fun.

Did you guys hook up that night? We didn't fuck, but we kissed. I knew he was the one that night. Oh, shit. Now, did you only just kiss because with all the pubes you couldn't find his dick? Because these people don't just hide in the bush. They have it.

You know what I'm saying? Those Afghanis. Those Afghanis are wild, man. These fucking people. Did he try to climb right into your cave? Did he try to ozama your bin Laden? All right, stupid. Yeah, hopefully the baby didn't mess up the pussy

because he's got a life hack to get a lot of virgins. Hell yeah. Absolutely fucking Lutely. Mel, what do you do for work? I quit my job a couple months ago. So nothing. I'm a mom. Full-time mom.

How about Muhammad? What does he do for work? He does tech sales. You think he does tech sales? Welcome to another episode of Your Husband is a Terrorist. Yeah, I think he does tech sales. He's on his computer all the time. You know, he's always taking flight lessons.

Oh, my God. He actually is taking flight lessons. Oh, shit. I'm fucking worried. Dude, somebody called the FBI. Instead of killing Tony, we're going to be saving lives here tonight. Oh, my God.

This guy's taking fucking flight lessons. This is absolutely incredible. It's just out here knocking up our women and taking flight lessons. Absolutely amazing. What's your guys' setup? You live here? Yeah, here in Austin, Texas.

How long have you lived here? I moved here five and a half years ago. Five and a half years ago. From where? I'm from Miami, but I lived in D.C. for a little bit. How'd you end up in D.C. for a little bit? I was a teacher for a long time, and then I just wanted, as a teacher,

you can kind of move around, and I just got tired of Miami and wanted somewhere different, went to D.C. Does this Afghani guy have any special moves in the bedroom? Is there anything wild that he does that you're not used to with American men?

Is there some type of magic carpet ride or something that he does? He does take me to a whole new world every time. Hey! I think it's that one. Hit that one. No? Oh, you're going to wait?

Okay. All right. I wonder what it's going to sound like when the baby comes out. What do you think that baby's going to sound like? Red bin? I love it. Mel, you have any special skills or talents

or anything like that? Not talents, no. You signed up tonight. Is this your first time doing stand-up? I didn't even ask. This is my fourth time. You're amazing. You're so good.

The first time I ever did stand-up, I was at Joe Rogan's show. Oh, wait. Are you the lady that heckled? Oh, my God. That's you? That's incredible. What happened, Tony?

No, yeah. This was like a very interesting situation where after we did a long night of stand-up comedy during Joe's Q&A, why don't you tell your version of it? So, I was at Joe Rogan's show and he did a Q&A at the end of it. I had him caught up to that part.

It's like a Tarantino movie or something like that. I raised my hand and I said, what advice do you have for someone who'd like to try stand-up? So he told me to get on stage. And you know how much I love bombs, so it was awful. And then two weeks later, I wanted to make up for how terrible I did,

so I rehearsed and actually wrote materials. She bombed. Really, really, really, really, really hard that first time because she's like, I've always wanted to do stand-up. He's like, come up here. He did the coolest thing. He's literally like, come up here, see what it feels like,

and she came up and she fucking ate it. It was so bad. I remember that because I was watching from the green room. All we have is a screen up there, and I'm like, what the fuck is going on down there? It was so bad. Went home, decided to be a mother. And then a few months later.

Two weeks later. Two weeks later. Okay, wow. All right. He did another show. You were here. He called you back up, and you did an actually really good set.

Yeah. Yeah. How did that feel? It was amazing. I felt so grateful that he remembered me and gave me the opportunity again. So two of the four sets are on stage with Joe standing behind you.

And where are the other two at? Well, this is the fourth. The third one is at a place called Pershing here in Austin. Oh, Pershing. That sounds about right with the people that you hang out with. We actually have Joe on the line right now.

Joe, what do you think about everything that's going on here right now? This is getting crazy. Oh, okay. It's very, very interesting. What would you recommend for Mel at this point in her comedy career? If I go to USC.

That's stupid. The sound boards are tarted. Have you thought about naming your kid Joe? Tony Joe. Really? Is that true? No. All right.

Well, yeah. You are the problem. Thank you, Joe. Mel, when's the baby coming out? March. Very, very good. Absolutely. I love it.

I love your energy. I love your performance. Take one of these big joke books from the Great Bones Eye. There you go. Absolutely. There she goes. Mel Safi, everybody.

You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time? All right. Here we go. I'm reaching deep. I'm mixing it up. I'm trying to figure out how the magic can help us here.

Austin Tower. This is going to be good, believe it or not. That's a good sign. Austin Tower. Some big moves coming from the balcony. I get the feeling he's going to be coming from this way, Yoni. All right.

The long trip to the stage. Here he is, Austin Tower. Fuck yeah, Austin. So I should tell y'all. I've got trust issues. My wife tells me all the time. They stem from my father. I'm not going to lie.

My whole life, we had a good relationship. But two years ago, he died from Lou Gehrig's disease. And my whole fucking life, I had no idea that the motherfucker played baseball. Fuck you. Here's my dad. So I am married. Like I said, my wife tells me all the time.

She reminds me. But we're a blended family. We've got a stepson. They're just calling my son that. His dad was never in the picture. I told my wife. I said, you know, when we first started dancing, I said, I'm never going to do that shit.

I'll be there every fucking time. Full disclosure, she was a widow when we met. Oh, fuck off. It makes the weekend so much easier. It's not that awkward pass-off. Hey, man, what's up? That's it. I'm Austin Tower.

Thanks, everybody. Austin Tower. This is fucking nuts. Is that your real name? That is my real God-given name. My brother's name is Houston. That is incredible. I've never seen a tower that's 4 foot 8 inches in the air.

I'm 5'8 on a good day. 5'8 on a good day. Yeah, on a good day. You mean on a trampoline? Most of the time. It's hard to take the height at the top. You have to really time it out. Okay, relax, Austin.

Relax. Sorry, I'm excited. I know you are. How old are you? 42. 42 years old. How long have you been on stand-up? I started in April.

And I haven't been on stage just in September. You started what? Barber college. Barber college. Yeah, I'm cutting hair. You should go find that black guy in the back. Dude, okay. I'm the only white guy in the whole barbershop.

You're right. Like the only white guy. And I love it. It's awesome. Absolutely. Okay. My boy. You don't know what I'm pointing at you, but you know whatever.

He does. He fucking knows. I'm gonna let you cut my hair fucking. Yeah. I just learned braids. But you're in dread. Giving brains? Yeah, I do braids.

Braids. Not brain. Nah. No, I'll do it all day. All right. All right. We're negotiating a haircut over here at this point. Austin, what do you do for fun?

Man, since I retired last year from the fire department. Oh, you retired from the fire department? Yeah, I retired from the, I was a firefighter paramedic. You were a firefighter? I thought you were more like the cat that got stuck in the tree or something like that. That was my rookie year. That was my rookie year. My goodness.

What's the craziest thing you ever did as a firefighter? I saved a cow from a river one time. Whoa. Yeah. Damn. I didn't realize Amy. Her husband was actually dead. Yeah.

She was trying to tell jokes the whole time. I was like, shut up and let me put this robe around you. I love it. You saved a cow from a river. I did. And it's calf. And it's calf. Wow.

Yeah. I don't want to brag, but they're very grateful. They were. What else Austin? Tell us more about your life. What makes you an interesting person? Uh, let's see. Uh, I'm a dad.

I got two wonderful kids. Okay. I got a wonderful wife. Yeah. She seems loud. She is. She's right up there. Way to go, babe.

I appreciate you. Thanks for the love. Um, now before I was a firefighter, I worked in music and entertainment for about 12 years. What do you do in music and entertainment? Logistics and operations. Oh, I ran. I helped with outdoor music venues, did music festivals, things like that. Yep.

We got it. That checks out. I love it. Where'd you meet this loud bag of bones? Uh, I actually met her. She was falling out of a car and I caught her. Wow. Yeah.

And like, I caught her like that. And she was like, Hey, who are you? And I said, I'm Austin. And she said, well, I'm Steph. And it was kind of like from that. That's gay as fuck, dude. Yeah. Totally.

The only thing that would make it gayer is if there was a dick somewhere in the scenario. That story is so flaming. I'm going to have you put out the fire. Stop it. Stop. Tony, she just fell in my arms. It's just like nothing I could do. It was the kids.

Oh my goodness. Absolutely incredible. And you're like, this bitch is like klutz. Yeah. I better save her now and keep it that way. I love it. Yeah. Austin, you live in Austin.

Uh, no, my little brother Houston lives in Austin. I live in New Bromples. What? I'm not shitting you. My little brother Houston. Your brother Houston lives in Austin. He lives in Austin and I live in New Bromples. Oh my God.

Dr. Houston evil. Kind of close. Kind of close. He's in politics. He's a lawyer. He's close. Houston power. Tower.

It's like a building. Right. Houston tower. I know. Austin tower. Any other weird names in your family? Any Dallas's or fucking Christy's or anything? No.

Chad bastard. We're from Corpus Christy. Wow. No. We asked the family to politely stop with the geography lessons. I love it. Just go with names like Apple and shit like that. I love it.

Absolutely incredible. What's your house like? It's you, the lady and the two kids. I got my wife, two kiddos, two dogs, a cat and a rabbit. Holy shit. Yeah. Fucking A. All right.

Yeah. It's a lot of food and shit everywhere. All right. Jesus. Dr. Do little. Okay. I'm telling you right now. Craziest thing in your refrigerator.

Ah. I've got frozen duck livers marinating in frozen duck livers. That's a good answer. That checks out as well. I like Flock Ross. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay.

Austin. You don't know. You don't have any musical talent yourself though, right? I lightly, lightly play the guitar. Very, very little though, but not enough to even know. No. I wasn't going to. Well, thank you because it would have been embarrassing.

Austin, you're absolutely adorable. You seem like a super fucking nice guy. Congratulations. Thank you. I appreciate that. On your performance. Here's a joke book. Awesome.

Ready for it? Good job. Thank you so much, guys. Austin Tower, everybody. Thank you very much. Austin Tower. I'm sorry. You know what?

I know we all want to fucking put a ribbon on this thing, but I'm going to do something special before we get to our normal closer. I want to do something a little bit fun here. There's a guy that's been on this show a couple of times. I want to see how it goes if we bring him up right now. This guy is a Texas icon, fresh from the oil fields. This is a new 60 seconds from Uncle Lazer. This guy is real.

What you're about to see is real. Y'all in for an absolute fucking treat here. All right. You can tell from my haircut, I look like Hitler's wet dream. Okay. Great fucking time. All right. And you can also tell I probably look like Brad Pitt of the inbred community.

And you can probably ask yourself, I bet that guy's swimming in pussy at the family reunions. Knee deep in relatable pussy, for sure. No, but seriously, I only attract a certain type of female. Okay. They're usually middle-aged, 30s, all the way up to 80. They're usually of gothic or emo descent. And they're usually single mothers. And I like single mothers a lot.

They got good snacks. Pudding pops, orange slices, caprisons. I'm your fucking god. But I blame it on their snot-nosed kids eating them all. Because after I get done making sexual pleasures, I take my payment in snacks. And I blame it on them snot-nosed fucking kids. But I had one the other day get super aggressive with me. She messes me.

She's from Central Florida. She said, I got a Greyhound bus ticket with your name on it. You come down here and blow my back out. And I said, ma'am, I might have been born just a plain white trash, but I ain't getting on no motherfucking Greyhound bus. Now, if you make that a coach ticket from the Southwest, I'll be there in the morning. Blow your back out, put you in shambles. Uncle Laser.

Hey, Tony, Tony, real quick on some real shit, though. I want to apologize. I was looking for a parking spot at the back of Vulcan, and I woke up that Joe guy from a dead sleep, that homeless kid that came up here. I've smoked meth out of a light bulb, and that is exactly what it's like. Right. Yeah. A hundred percent.

Uncle Laser is real. What you're seeing is real. The first time I met him and saw him, I'm like, I don't know what the fuck that was. Yeah. But I've actually, you know, we're, we run in the same circle. Yeah. And one of the things that I've realized is that you're fucking real. Yeah, this ain't a character.

And that was just 60 seconds of what being around him for 60 seconds is like. This dude rules so fucking hard. Yeah. I want to go work on a fucking oil field now, right? Hey, baby boy. He's got fucking rules. Look at this asshole. Look at that.

You're an Austin 316 judge. You don't fucking charge our belt buckle? Yeah, I got this at the flea market, dude. What are the tattoos? It's fucking crazy. Yeah. This is the craziest thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. Can we be friends after this?

You want to start a podcast, bro? How good's your credit? 750, bud. I'm fucked with you. Uncle Lazer is a fucking absolute goddamn machine. What you're seeing is real. He is if Beetlejuice was from Texas. Relax, dude.

Relax. Always hit me with that Beetlejuice shit, man. Joe Dirty. You have an unbelievable energy to you. Uncle Lazer, tell us about what you've been up to lately. How's life out there on the oil field or something? Give me a fuck that job, dude. It's in the middle of New Mexico where dreams go to die.

Closest convenience store is two hours away, horseback. Are you serious? I'm fucking dead serious, dude. Look at me. It sucks, dick. Now you still fucking blow up nuclear warheads in the 50s underground, like where we drill. Like when you cross over, it says there's nuclear waste laying around. And I tell you what, I don't dream that much when I'm at home like sleeping and shit.

I don't have dreams. You know what I'm saying? But when I... My stepdad told me there's no point. But when I'm out there, I dream very vividly, like super rapy, killing dreams. And it's really making me reevaluate my character choices. You know what I'm saying? Regardless, I got good hair though, fuck y'all.

He really does. He really fucking does. That shit is unbelievable. I didn't even put any product in it today. It just woke up and I felt this fucking good. Felt feeling dangerous. Felt that fucking day. Hide your mom.

You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. I fucking love it. So, Uncle Laser, you're out there fucking playing the field, slaying everything. You talked about it during your set, your most recent hookup. What was that like? Just out of curiosity. Well fuck, Tony.

I got chlamydia. If that's what you're asking. Yeah, yeah, that's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. She was a nice young lady from the national. She's an up-and-coming singer. Yeah, whatever, dude.

Look. Look, they want to fly in and hang out and have a shot at the people's title one time. I'll give it to them. You know what I'm saying? I don't discriminate. I'm a people pleaser. I fucking love it. You know what I'm saying?

But I will say, I do have an issue. There's an old lady that lives next to me. And this is a true story. The other day, her tree that is older than the dinosaurs, the root system got into my septic tank and there's shit all in my backyard. Oh. So Ethel, if you're fucking watching, I wrote that email to you. It was very professional.

I had my mom read it. Back to me. Okay, because my mom was hooked on drugs. I never got hooked on phonics, okay? But it cost me $20,000 to fix that goddamn shitter system. And Ethel, if you don't start playing ball, motherfucker, I'm going to get a couple Mexican boys from the Home Depot. We're going to scoop that shit over the fence, put it in your backyard, and then we're going

to get an eight ball cocaine and fucking 24 pack of Modelo. We're going to blare that Tejano music at three o'clock in the morning and keep your ass up because I know them old ladies hate that shit. I know me part. My man knows. My man knows. Uncle Lazer, I'd love to have you on the secret show. I'd love to be there for you.

I'd love to be there for you. Uncle Lazer. Yes, sir. Uncle Lazer, my favorite uncle that I've ever had in my life. How long do you, I see you as a fucking star. You seem like a star to me. I didn't think so the first time because I'm like, this guy's doing a character. But now that we've like hung out and drank and shit, I spend most of the time just laughing.

I just ask him a question and then laugh for two minutes. And then I ask, that's what me and Uncle Lazer hanging out is like. So what's your plan? Explain to us again, this oil field job, like how you're off and on again. Well, like two weeks on, two weeks off, but in that I'm missing too much shit, right? Like, so I figured just quit that motherfucker to be quite honest. You know what I'm saying? I just get by on good looks alone.

Fuck it. You know what I'm saying? No, but I'm going to give it up. Fuck it. I'm just going to do this full time. Fuck it. We'll see what happens. I'm about to sell my house.

Got a nest egg. I mean, fuck it. We'll see what happens. What are you planning on doing that? I sell my house probably by December, January. I work about two, three more months, stack back about another 80,000 and just fucking go. Who cares? I think more money than God, by the way.

So, I mean, I just, just so you know, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, fuck it, dude. I live your dream. Fucking be, be Brad Pittie in bread community. Fuck it, dude. Whatever. Whatever. Have you ever thought about calling yourself in bread pit?

Actually, I copyrighted that shit, Tony. So, yeah, don't even try to steal my shit, bud. Hey. Uncle Lazer, I want to keep, I want to keep, I want to, I want you to, to keep in touch with us. Stay close. Yeah. Yeah.

For sure. For sure. For sure. Thanks for having me. You need to be seen. Uncle Lazer, everybody. Hell yeah. Uncle Lazer arriving on this scene reminds me a lot of a young man that we met, that

we pulled out of the bucket five years ago, who came on the scene as an absolute creative force. Since then, he has written and performed more brand new minutes than any human being in the history of the show. He's one of the most dangerous features on planet earth. One of the great new headliners of all of standup comedy, an absolute cold-blooded assassin, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the Sultan of Sweets. This is the Big Red Machine, William Light South Montgomery.

I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is somebody recognized me in Hawaii. The bad news, it was Dog the Bounty Hunter. Man, that motherfucker, oh, knock, knock, America, Aloha, we're here to seal your islands. Texas is so bad at football, the Sandy Hook parents are suing them for $2.5 trillion. Yesterday on a hot mic, you could hear Joe Biden telling a guy that nobody fucks with a Biden, unless of course you're Hunter Biden fucking your dead brother's widow. She was technically a Biden.

Rest in peace, Aaron Carter. That wasn't my mom's bathtub. People are saying that, it's going around, okay, that's my time. William motherfucking Montgomery, the Big Red Machine, the one and the only. How's it going, my friend? How are you doing? I'm great. You got stranded in Hawaii last week, famously Mr. Spock for the first time in absolutely

forever. Tell us what went down there. I did, yeah. They found me right before we took off. I found this, I don't know, maybe 14 year old person and basically I got them in the bathroom of the 747 and they found this person, no, it's just like a, it's just the plane We were delayed by like five hours. We were delayed by like five hours.

It was just a regular delay, William Montgomery, fresh off of a weekend in New York with me. How'd you, how'd you feel about your, it was good. They all felt very good. I actually, we were on a mega bus, the buses with the two stories and I saw like this four 14 year old, like, oh my God, I don't even know hold on a second. Is this a new thing you're planning on doing is no, I'm kidding. I'm high as shit right now Gucci mains photographers up in the green room. I was smoking blunts up there.

I'm high as shit right now. Yeah, but Hawaii was great. I loved it in Hawaii. Good answer to the question four and a half minutes ago. You are indeed higher than shit right now. You are higher than a Mohammed Mills husband. He's flying an airplane into something incredible. So what do you normally do when you get really high, William?

Oh man, I've started playing at these puzzle games. It's like this number puzzle thing. You have to do all 10 digits in a square. There's like four rows of squares. It's I can't remember what it's called. I try to do that. It's becoming Indica. Indica huh?

Yeah. Oh no. It's a fucking Christ, man. Normally he's our energetic little buttercup looks like fucking Uncle Lazer did all of his blow. You know what I'm saying? He did. We were actually doing cocaine up in the green room.

It's been a year and a half since I touched it. But when I was in Hawaii, I started drinking margaritas. I sadly broke my sobriety. I have started drinking very heavily the past week and a half. So Tony, I wanted to tell you I'm acting weird up here tonight because I'm very drunk right now. He's kidding. Yeah, I'm kidding.

I'm just real high. Maybe that would be funny. How many blunts exactly did you smoke before this? It was three blunts up there. It was Gucci Mane's photographer, at least that's what he kept on telling me. I don't know if that's true or not. He just kept on telling me that. That's what Gucci Mane's photographer would do.

We talk about how he's a Gucci Mane's photographer. Checks out. He's friends with David Lucas. It is indeed Gucci Mane's photographer. It's him. Are you a fan of Gucci Mane? I love him. What do you love about him?

Tell us some of your favorites. Just a swag. I like that he has the tattoo, the ice cream cone on his face. I'm a huge fan of ice cream cones. When I was in Hawaii, I ate three ice cream cones every day out on the beach under the fucking umbrella. Nobody was telling me to stop. I literally ate fucking three giant ice cream cones every fucking day on Waikiki Beach.

What would you tell somebody if they walked up to you on that beach and told you to stop eating ice cream? Get the fuck away from me, faggot. I'm eating my ice cream today. Nobody's stopping this shit today. I'm listening to Gucci Mane today. That's why it was so crazy meeting Gucci Mane's photographer up there. I was quite frankly starstruck.

Holy shit. Was he taking pictures of you? Yeah. He wouldn't stop. I didn't know how to tell him to stop. I felt very uncomfortable. He said, Gucci Mane paid me to get these and I'm going to fucking get Will photos. Gucci Mane.

Yeah. Say it a little slower. I couldn't hear you. Gucci Mane paid his photographer to get photos of none other than Will, ladies and gentlemen. I don't get it. The main attraction. Oh my god. I don't really get it.

He wants them. He needs them. Stop, man. Stop. He demands. Please. Photographs of Will. Please stop.

Stop. Please stop. Ryan, you're really. Stick material. Dude, just stop. You're really acting like the Charmander to Uncle Lazer's Charizard right now. What? A solid Pokemon joke.

Three people in Japan are going to get that on YouTube. He wanted the photo. Oh my three people in Japan are going to get that on YouTube. No, they're not. What the? I'm kidding. Maybe they invite two comedians from New York here. Turns out they're triple boosted and having string during the show.

That's the great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for William, everybody. A guy who has been drawing every single episode since the show started is here, Ryan J. Ebel. Come show this amazing audience what you drew here tonight. Here he is. Ryan J. Ebel. Look at that. Unbelievably beautiful.

That is indeed Ryan Long. Chris Vega. Make some noise for my guests tonight. Ryan Long and Chris Vega. Check them out. High society radio with Chris Vega. He works at Catalyst Wrestling for those pro wrestling bands out there and check out the boys cast with Ryan Long.

He's also going to be playing in Toronto. Get tickets at ryanlongcomedy.com. Shout out to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie Vodka and of course the screwball peanut butter whiskey kill Tony band, everybody. Michael Gonzalez, Matt Mueling, Paul Deemer and the great D Madness right down the middle there. We did it again. Thank you guys so much for coming out.

You guys have fun tonight. Love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. We love you.