KILL TONY - KT #585 - TOM SEGURA

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

Tom Segura, Steve-O, Michael Lehrer, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 11/14/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM – GET $10 OFF YOUR PURCHASE OF A SKY LIGHT FRAME BY USING THE PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including The Weekly Secret Show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com, he's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters and Tony

is on tour right now so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band Company Live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for a TonyHinchCliff. You guys ready for the best goddamn night of your lives or what? Yippee! Make some noise for Brian Red Band, everybody, that's this guy right here. You guys ready to have some fucking fun, huh?

This is Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose fixtures here in Austin, Texas, the two best strip clubs on Planet Earth and brought to you by the best vodka in the world, Deep Eddie Vodka, which also is a local company. How about a hand for Deep Eddie Vodka, huh? We love vodka here. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number

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Go check it out. Michael Lair dot threadless dot com. That's Michael Lair, Michael L-E-H-R-E-R dot threadless dot com right now. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week, we have some of the funniest comedians on this show. This is one that I have been trying to get this guy back forever, but he's just so goddamn successful and so goddamn amazing that he hasn't been available till now. One of my favorite comedians on planet Earth, one of the best podcasters that have ever

existed in the world, resident of Austin, Texas. This is Tom Segura. Oh yeah. Oh my god. Yes. Tom motherfucking Segura. Yeah. Whoo.

Hey, buddy. Whoo. He is back in the saddle, folks. All right. Welcome back. Let's crush some dreams, man. Hell yeah. This is where dreams come to die,

and we are the executioners. But sometimes we amplify them. Sometimes they can get spots. Some of the people, obviously, our regulars have been thriving. Everybody's good. Welcome back, Tom. Thank you for having me, man.

Hell yeah, dude. We had you on the show with Burt Kreischer in the belly room eight and a half years ago. So it really is? Yes. But I did the main room, too. Yeah. Oh yeah, we did the main room,

but I was just rewatching some little highlight reel that somebody made, and you guys are there. How did Burt look back then? Oh, everybody was morbidly obese. I mean. It's incredible.

The only one that gained weight out of the whole group is fucking my guy over here. It's like before and after and the future. That's right. That's right. I love it, Tom.

You know how the show works. A bunch of comedians signed up to get 60 seconds on this stage. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get that uninterrupted. I have anxiety for them. I know. It's fucking amazing.

It's so nerve-wracking to fucking do this. I feel it every week. It takes a lot of courage to have the balls to do this. And, you know, our honesty is what's going to help them the most. They get 60 seconds, and then you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just a loud noise and it cuts them off in their tracks. And then I interview them. We sit back. We have fun.

You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what? Well, while I could start the show with a bucket pull, I think we should go with one of our great ringers, one of our great regulars. This guy famously over a year ago was sleeping in his van

that he drove here from New York City. Now he wears a Rolex. He wears brand new clothes. He's spending the money that he makes as a successful headlining comedian and arena opener. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

What's up? I think he was a perfect person to lose because he has the face of someone who makes good concession speeches. He has the build of someone who loses gracefully. You know, he's not strong enough to fight back. But yeah, it was an unfortunate midterm. The only red wave was between a woman's leg who didn't want to give birth. But yeah, good to be here in Texas.

It's football season. A lot of... A lot of TDs are being scored. I'm also scoring TDs in my own life. STDs. Sexual Touchdowns. Thank you. Holy shit.

Damn, that's the first time we've ever seen your late show monologue before. That was incredible. When you said good to be here 40 seconds into your set, did you really mean it? It's always a joy to be here. I appreciate the opportunity. I'm sorry that you didn't like my jokes. Are you apologizing to me? No, the audience.

I don't know what you think, but... Yeah, no, I agree with you. I think that those jokes were worthy of an apology. Beto Roark, low-hanging fruit indeed. And then the red wave. What was that supposed to mean? The babies that they can't have? Between the legs of women who don't want to give birth, there's a lot of red nowadays.

Because they're having their periods? Because there's a hanger going up in there? They're just squeezing it out. It's a violent abortion. Oh, you're saying illegal abortions are being performed? Right? Or unwanted birth. It's just a lot of stuff going on in vaginas.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, wait a minute. But the logic of the joke was that it's a violent abortion. That's what you're suggesting, right? It's not in a clinic. You're saying somebody shoved a fucking sword up there. Yeah, that was the best take on that joke. I mean...

What was your take on the joke? Just the violent abortions and the unwanted births. There's a woman having one right now in the back. Can you hear that? That's incredible. It seems like you had no real target for the red wave. You're just sort of hoping that people are spilling ketchup on their laps or something like that. And what was right after it?

The football season has begun, folks. Oh, yes, that's right. In other news, it's football season. Whoa, it's Hong's Kim, everybody. Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right. With the famous punchline, I'm getting TDs, STDs. We'll be right back.

All right. I mean, the sexual test house was kind of fun. Yeah, yeah. Are you getting STDs, Hans? No, I've been fucking just one woman. Do you wrap it up? I try not to. Nice.

You try not. You be careful. You might start a red wave down there. Are you wearing two watches? I am wearing two watches. Oh, my goodness. What the fuck is that? None of them are telling you that it's time to write new jokes.

Oh, come on. I build the boy up every week. We all have off weeks every once in a while. Why the two? One is, like, decorative, and then one is functional. What's unfunctional about the Rolex that you have on your left wrist? I just got to read it. I got to, like, remember elementary school.

Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So it works? You're just not... You can't tell time? It just takes a while. It's, like, cursive. It's cursive.

Yeah, it's cursive. I can't believe that. Yeah, it is crazy. You're right. What does the other watch do? It has big numbers for you? Yes. A little bit of 834.

Oh, my God. Those numbers are huge. Oh, my God. Those are for, like, special people, dude. I don't think you should even be wearing that. That's like having a handicap placard or something like that, not really just for the parking spot. Even D-Madness knows it's 834 right now.

I love it. So you think this two-watch thing is going to be a staple of yours? Probably not after tonight. Right. Right. That's what we do. That's actually the best advice you've heard so far. Yeah.

No doubt. Anything else going on crazy in your life, Hans, that you want to share with us? I recently went to San Francisco with my beautiful girlfriend. She met my family. She was very polite. We stayed in a motel, which she was not a fan of. She thought she was going to get murdered every night.

Yeah, and that's just because you were in the room with her. Yeah, statistically, I'm the most likely to murder her. That is true. How much was the hotel every night? Like, what are we talking about? $39? He said motel, so I'm guessing pretty low. But it is San Francisco, so it could be $3,000 a night.

It was $68 a night. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Commemorating the release of Ari Shafir's new special. Hans spent $68 on his motel. Well, he's got two fucking watches on him, too. Some cheap shit.

Your boyfriend's like, check out this shit. Two watches, $68. What was wrong with this room? Were the towels dirty? Did it smell? What was going on? It was like a lot of people running in and out, a lot of bottles being served. It was just like really thin walls. Is that a motel or a club?

Yeah. They brought their own modellos. Well, football season is here. Hans, we love you. It was a new minute. You fucking did it. You're a killer in the interviews. It's always so fun and interesting to talk to you. To watch Hans Kim, everybody.

Getting tonight's show started. Getting it going for us. You guys ready to go to this bucket, huh? This is where we all meet somebody together. This is where we're shaking it crazy as hell. Could be a completely insane person. Could be a fucking comedian of the future. All of our regulars, every success story we found

was out of this bucket. So who knows what can happen? Your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Holly Hart, everyone. Holly Hart. It's a sweet little name. Let's see what happens here. Holly Hart.

One more time for Holly, everybody. Come on. You did hear correctly. My full actual name is Holly Hart. Y'all I know my name makes it sound like I do porn. That's not news to me. I've been told that my whole life. In fact, the first time someone told that to me,

I was so young, I didn't know what porn was. So when they told me I had a porn name, I thought they were saying that porn was my ethnicity. Timmy's got an Italian name. Susie's got a French name. I've got a porn name. French and storied culture my people have. Some people's family came here on the Mayflower.

My family came on camera. Porn and proud. But obviously that's not right and I know you guys are all wondering because I'm so exotic looking and by that I mean I look like Joe Exotic. To break it down for you, my ethnicity, my dad's parents were Scottish and Welsh

and my mom's parents did porn. Thanks so much, I've been Holly Hart. Holly Hart everybody, our first bucket pool of the night. Welcome Holly, have you been on the show before? I've been one time in December of last year so it's been a while. How's things been going since then?

It's been going good. Just trying to do stand up, got a new job. How long have you been doing stand up now for? About three years. Three years, incredible. What do you do for your job? I work at a non-profit here in Austin that helps people experiencing homelessness.

Oh wow, Red Band Things here on Pornhub. That is the classic trademark sound effect of Pornhub. It's a non-profit that deals with homelessness. So you're the reason these people exist.

What are you guys doing? Are you doing anything over there? A lot of people, only so much money to help them with, but we do our best. Where do you guys get the money from to help the homeless? Just like private rich people, corporations.

That's like my job. I beg rich people for money and try to guilt trip them. Wasn't there a new funding recently like $90 million or something that's going towards? Yeah, that's probably like government funding and there's like a bunch of different organizations that do what mine does. But none of the people that are giving you money

live near the homeless people, right? Certainly not. Are they giving you money to keep the homeless people here? How much money would I have to give you to put a mansion of homeless people in Westlake somewhere? Yeah.

I mean, I could give you a dollar amount. I think on average it's like $20,000 to bring someone, like one person out of homelessness. Alright, I'm going to steal one of Hans' watches out for the show. Off of his

weak, weak wrists. No, Tony, no. Football season is amongst us. Sahali, you from Austin, born and raised? I'm from Corbett's Christy, Texas, and I've been in Austin for like four years.

What do you love about Austin? It's got a great comedy scene. You have the look. You look like a girl that lives in Austin. The bangs are there. You have the bangs. You have the classic I don't give a fuck haircut that looks like you're here to protest

at Joe Rogan's show or something like that. You have the leggings on, but I'm guessing there's a bunch of bad tattoos on those legs. Oh, you know it. Am I correct? Thank you. For those of you visiting, you might not know. This is an Austin girl thing.

I have like a bird right here that everyone thinks they're cramps, right? You see what I'm saying? This is no other city in the country. Does every girl have the same problems? It's incredible. Have you noticed this about the people? So many like tattoos.

And they are. It's always like a fucking they always look like they got their tattoos in Vietnam or something like that. And it always, it's like a start. You should have stopped way back then. They're always trying to add the thighs and the calves and the knees and the back and it just fits tattoo, right?

No, no. I'm too young for that. What the hell are you talking about? You have a lot of poise on stage though. Thank you. Indeed. Where do you normally perform in town? Like what's your scene like? Are you what we would consider sometimes an alt comic or something like that? I don't think so.

I mean, I do stuff at Creeking Cave when I can, Velvita Room down the street. I've been lucky to do a few things at Cap City since it opened, but just all over the occasional improv theater coffee shop, deli. Remember this, less homeless more stand up.

That's good advice. Fuck them. It's all about you. No doubt. What do you like to do for fun? What's like your favorite thing to do when you get loose? What's like a hobby or something like that? Do a lot of hiking. Austin has some really great. I do

disc golf as well. Okay. All right. How about nightlife? You go out at all? I'm not really like I'm sober, so Okay. When did you get sober? I guess it's been about six months. So not super. Did something in particular happen six

months ago that you decided to get sober? Somebody laughed. So like, like, oh, this pussy's only been sober for six months. Like, okay, it's not a competition. Not only did they laugh, they also did a line of ketamine right after that. It was fucking

it's a joke here in Austin. What made you want to get sober? Wild night or something? Not really. I just wanted to lose weight and it seemed like the thing to help. Okay. Yeah. All right. You seen that red band? Yeah, I can help.

I can help. One step at a time. People don't want to hear it, but it helps. I love it. I love it, Holly. You have a boyfriend? Yeah. Okay. How long have you two been together? About two years. What does he do? He is a software developer. So he makes the money and I help the homeless.

Right. My goodness. How long have you been doing this homeless thing? About 10 months. Before that, I worked at the food bank, so I've always been kind of doing like giving back. You've just always been in shady businesses where money's being funneled through to really

nobody at all. Just helping freeloaders. Incredible. A food bank. A bank filled with food. Yeah. You ever get a little high on your own supply there? You ever grab some saltines and throw them in the backpack or something like that?

Yeah, taking it out a lot. A little bowl of chili went missing, you know what I'm saying? I had a quit drinking and that job in order to try to lose weight. I bet. Well, Holly, fun times here tonight. Thank you so much for signing up.

Here's a joke book by the Great Bones Eye. This is real handmade Texas leather right here. There goes Holly Hart, everybody. Holly Hart ATX on social media. You guys get it, right? We having fun out there, huh? All right. Our next

bucket pool goes by the name of Zach Black. Zach Black is next. Oh, here he comes from the audience side. Very exciting. This is always good. Make some noise for Zach, everybody. What the fuck is up? I've been

waiting all day to do this. My dog's been in my car on 6th street for about five hours. Don't worry, he's safe. I left the windows rolled up. Some people don't like that I leave my dog in the car, but somebody's got to watch the baby.

No, there's no baby. I got an apartment in a building and the weight limit for dogs in this building was 35 pounds. But my dog weighs 85 pounds. So I just lied and we just showed up like a Tinder date. 50 pounds heavier than we said

we were. That's not the worst way a Tinder date can show up, though. I had one show up with a penis. And I sucked it. No, I didn't. Yeah, I did. No, I did. No, I didn't.

But she did suck mine and I just treated her dick like it was a lazy eye. I just tried my hardest not to look right at it. Holy shit, Zach Black! What the fuck? Wow!

My goodness, that was incredible and you got up from right over there, right? Yes, sir, I did. That is incredible, very, very rare that you get up from the actual audience. Normally it's from the big comedian pen in the back of people that have been waiting and striving weekly.

And he did a big pull-off of his vape pen on the way on stage. Oh, I didn't even notice that. That's powerful. Very confident. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Four years, where at? Buffalo, New York. I just moved here two weeks ago.

How long have you been doing jujitsu? I don't do that. I do work out though. So you just moved here two weeks ago to really apply yourself as a stand-up comedian? Yeah, I quit my job. What was your job? I worked in a factory. I had the same job for ten years.

Oh my god. A metal factory and I quit to do stand-up and fuck, it's going pretty good now. So what are you doing for money here? You saved up a lot of the metal factory? I saved up a little. I also have flipped three houses in my life. Whoa!

I used to want to be a real man and now I just want to be funny. Have you ever been on this show? Yeah. There's no point in being a real man. Take it from me. I'm actually a wooden doll. People don't know this, but being a real man is overrated. I'm a puppet.

I'm Joe Rogan's puppet. I was created in a stem cell factory. Yes, that was the sound that I heard when I first came alive. Whoa! Thank you for life, Joe. So, Zach, tell us more. Did you come solo?

I did. You packed up your car? Yeah, I packed up a U-Haul truck. All my shit. Car on a car trailer. Drove all the way down here. You seem like a real stud. You leave some ladies in Buffalo

with broken hearts or something like that? A little bit, but you know what? Damn. This dude's about to get his dick sucked in his car with his dog and his baby watching. This is incredible. This is incredible. What a star you are, Zach Black.

You seem like you're here to fucking take over. I really like that joke about the fucking somebody who's got to watch the baby. My only beef that I had with it is that you said, no, that's not true. Yeah, don't do that. Don't say, no, there's no baby.

You have to leave that people laughed at the fact that it was watching that you don't go like, I'm just kidding. Make them think you're that horrible person. Yeah. In fact, dig deeper. Yeah, make it worse. I did sign up for this for tags for my joke.

I totally didn't sign up to make fun of Tony or get roasted. Right. Yeah, I did. Okay. What a way to get into it. I was just trying to get it started. I thought you were going to roast me, but you didn't. No, you did good.

This is a show where I make fun of people that normally do bad. Let's do it. I thought of one while I was sitting there. Wait, what? I'm just trying to get a grasp of what you're saying right now. You're doing this all wrong.

It went great. Yeah. You should be happy with how it went. And it's good advice to tell you to not say... Don't try to make it any better. It's already good enough, okay? No, no, no.

The advice was good advice on the joke. You should take that advice. It's great advice, and it applies to all of your jokes. You don't ever need to be like, I'm just kidding. I say crazy-ass shit, and I never go like, just joking. I don't even say that

when I should say that. May of 2021. Hello. By the way, I do say it 20 seconds after his video ends. By the way, I... I remember getting that call. You helped me tremendously through that.

You were one of the fucking... Yeah, I mean, it's incredible. Well, they deserved it. Yeah, exactly. Just kidding. Yeah. Zach, what do you like to do for fun? What do I do for fun?

Well, other than obviously stand up, I like to, I don't know, just get drunk and... Wow, you're so fucking cool, dude. What else? What do you like to do when you get drunk? You like to listen to music, play pinball? You don't like the kind of guy that likes to

fucking inject some testosterone right near... Right near butt cheek? Listen to Joe Rogan's podcast and beat off to that. You and me both, my friend. You and me both. I can't get hard unless it's playing in the background.

When he says, pull it up, Jamie, I pull out. Anyway, uh... What was that, Joe? What'd you say? Jamie, pull it up and go up. Anyway. Zach, do you have any special skills or talents

or anything like that other than stand up comedy? Oh, well, the skills, I do have carpentry skills. I... Alright. I'm trying to get a house here in Austin. I have an apartment right now, but I'm going to keep doing that. Have you thought about building a house

since you're a carpenter? Not from scratch, but I have remodeled one from the studs plumbing, electric, all that. Hell, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Pretty proud of my only skill. I love it, Zach. Anything else crazy about your life

that we should know about before letting you go? Your parents or your family history? Anything that makes you different than everybody else? Yeah, I have two metal clamps on my heart. Whoa! Yes. If I get too excited, it could explode. It might right now. It's disgusting.

Do you have metal clamps on your heart? What was the disease? Superventricular tachycardia? That is exactly it. Tony's going to do it. Yes. I wanted to be a heart surgeon when I was in eighth grade, so I went to the library and taught myself a bunch of crazy shit. That's so weird.

Is that really...is he got it? That's really it? That's not actually what I have. Oh, okay, well. I like your style. We're going to edit that part out. Just rolling with it. I forget exactly what it's called, but something had to be connected to keep me alive.

You forget what the disease that caused you to have metal clamps on your heart is. I'm here to tell you, my friend, it's superventricular tachycardia. You asshole. Jesus. There's some shit with my heart, man.

Yeah, metal clamps. What the fuck? Did you go to the house that Edward Scissorhands went in or something? He's like, Tony, I have an oatmeal cookie for a liver. All right. Zach, very fun stuff. That was very funny, man. A great performance. Red Band, anything you want to say to Zach?

Here's a big joke book. I'd love to have you open the secret show Thursday. I'd love to. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Here's a brand new joke book. Welcome. This is some of the amazing talent that's moving here to Austin. Literally anything can happen. It's incredible.

You're seeing it happen here. People that used to move to New York or Los Angeles after getting ready in their hometowns are now coming to Austin, Texas. Back to the bucket we go. This looks like a young whipper snapper. Make some noise for Stevo.

Stevo, everybody. Wait a second. What? What? It's the actual Stevo. Stevo! Well, this is awkward.

Okay. I was thinking about what I'm going to do here. Do I have to really maintain the 60-second rule? Oh, no. Okay. I'll keep it quick. I'll keep it quick. So, I figured I'd tell you guys a crazy story

that you definitely don't know about something I invented called the butt chug. Yeah, I actually coined that term. And it was totally by accident. Initially, it started with this idea I had. I said,

I thought I could beer-bomb a beer through my nose if they made me a beer-bomb that forked into two hoses. So, we get around. I've been awake for, like, three days on cocaine, and Knoxville pours

the fucking beer into the beer-bomb. I put the hoses in each nostril, up it goes, and I pound it, and I pound it, and it was fucking amazing. But nobody even giggled. And then Knoxville says, that sucked. Stick it up your ass.

Now, I had, rather famously at this point backed out of a stunt which involved putting a toy car at my ass. So, I immediately said to Knoxville, we already established

I don't put shit up my ass. If I would have left it there, I would have been off the hook easy. But then I went and said, and it probably wouldn't work anyway. So, where I really fucked myself.

So now, like, I'm going to have to do it because first and foremost, we are scientists. So, it is my fucking duty now to do this. And I realize that I fucked myself and they chop off the two thinner hoses.

So, I'm looking at a girthy ass fucking beer-bomb hose. I mean, that's really the circumference of a dick. It's like, that's very real. But, I know now I'm in and I don't fucking do anything

half-assed. So, I lay right down on the ground. I fucking pull my shit down. And I go for it. Like, I go for it big time. And it was utterly fucking shocking how easily that hose glided right in.

I was so fucking certified that my buddies just saw that happen so easily. So, I hike up my legs. It's not working at first.

It's not working at first. And it seems to be a failure, but like I said, I'm all in. So, I kind of wiggle around. I start kicking my legs a little bit. I find a rhythm and share it up. I mean, everybody's going crazy. They're fucking just

junk, junk, junk. But what happened was as much as the beer was going in my butt, there was all this fucking yeasty, cloudy fucking shit coming out. And

the beer in the tube just got cloudier and cloudier. And it was actually too much for the jackass guys. They were like, oh, no, no, stop it. They called it. So, at this point, I'm fully loaded.

I pull out the beer bomb. I'm wiggling around a little bit. And I felt it. I just gave it a little toot. And I was able to squirt beer out of my butt. And then I start giggling.

I fucking hiked my butt up and I actually managed to shit beer into my own mouth. Now, if that doesn't add up to what you remember seeing in a jackass movie, it's because this was four years earlier. It was on the first movie.

The bunch that I just described never even made it under the cutting room floor. And it was too much. But now you know. Yeah. Steve is here.

Unkill Tony live in Austin Motherfucking, Texas. Steve has arrived. It's great to be here. Can I tell you that I had legitimate anxiety about to fit that into 60 seconds?

Well, good news. It was four minutes and 25 seconds. I wouldn't have changed a thing about it. It was absolutely beautiful. That was fucking amazing, man. How's life been going, Steve? It's been fantastic. It's

it's it's utterly fucking ridiculous that in the art that I perform that I ever had a fucking career to begin with. But here I am pushing 50 fucking years old more than 20 years into my career.

Not only am I still getting away with it, but I'm fucking killing it. Yeah. Full control. Somehow some way of all the concussions that have probably happened, somehow everything up there

is operational. It is incredible. Yeah. So that was CTE comic. No, it's crazy. I really this show is close to my heart.

The idea that people should just say fuck it. I'm going to try stand-up comedy. I'm just going to go and I'm going to fucking do it. And of all the things in my life that I've ever done, I could not be more grateful about anything than that. I said fuck it.

I'm going to get into stand-up comedy. I'm going to fucking stick with it. And it's actually worked out really well for me. No doubt about it. And I've you're one of the very few guys that have come over. You know, I'm a comedy store guy from the door guy all

the way up almost 16 years ago. And especially I think there we have a real, if somebody from Hollywood comes into that art form, I think we're really defensive and you're one of the very few guys that have really fucking earned it. You worked your ass off.

You did it the hard way. What's the name of that special where you do the bicycle thing with the? Minorly special. Yeah. You guys all have to check this out if you haven't already. But literally my favorite jackass stunt of all time is on his special.

It's his own stunt that you wrote and performed. Can you explain to these people? It was based on my belief that since women can just paint their boobs and walk around like it's no big deal

that I should be able to paint my dick and do whatever I want. And you'll be thrilled to know that we've just recently produced dick painting too.

I love this. Yeah. Oh, I go to the gym with my shorts painted on. Oh my god. And it's all painted one color. But once people notice that his dick and balls is there, it's fucking epic. The looks on other people's faces as they notice something

suspicious about these shorts is literally one of my favorite things. I've always said I'm a real smug guy when it comes to comedy. Like when it comes to watching it. I've always said the whole time that South Park and jackass

are the only two things that I can always count on and it's amazing to have you up here a part of that legacy and fucking watch you thriving in this art form like this because I've always been a huge fan. Well, thank you, man. Thank you. For what it's worth.

Wait until you see my editorial decision to keep the the skip roping in slow motion. Oh my god, yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, you guys

have all got to check out what Steve's doing. You also have Steve's Wild Ride, right? Steve's Wild Ride podcast is doing great. Man, if you're around I'd love to get you in the van. I got an asshole driving the fucking van all the way from LA on the off chance that I

can get you in there. I'm in. There you go. You just watched the podcast booking happen. Dude, epic. Super. People should know this guy works so much fucking harder than you know. He's got YouTube shit. He's got specials coming out. He's always doing stuff.

He's not doing live touring. You're way more thoughtful than anybody would assume because you're this fucking lunatic. But the thought, you are. You're out of your goddamn mind, but the thought that goes into what you do is actually very, very impressive.

Yeah. I'm honored. I'm grateful and dude, I don't even want to say this, but are the women in Austin uncomfortably attractive? I don't know. Did you see Holly Hard

earlier? I don't know. I'd have to disagree. Hey. I uh, I don't know. I'm kidding. Follow Holly Hard at Holly Hard ATX. There's another shout out to make up for

it. All right. We'll keep the show moving, man. Thank you so much. Come on. Make some noise for Stevo. Legend. Kill Tony family member. Comedy Royalty. Stevo. All right.

Okay. Chaos is ensuing. Everybody's talking with one another. The whole fucking, can you believe it? Can you believe it? Fucking amazing. You guys want to do something else special? How many of you have been fans of this

show for a long time? Well, for obvious other reasons that we've seen tonight. It's a very special episode. And this moment is indeed very special to us. This is a special tribute

to one of our favorite members of the Kill Tony family of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to watch a video together. Cool? Let's do it. Roll it, guys. I love comedy ever since I was

the fucking little fucking four-year-old boy. And I got pulled out of this bucket. December 2nd, 2019. And I'm a bigger comic than I've ever been.

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, first time on Kill Tony. Michael Larrer, everybody. My question is, where the fuck did all that ice fucking money go? It's sad irony

that the only guy that deserves to be on the stage can't get on the fucking the sheer chaos of that. This guy actually has jokes worthy of this stage. I'm going to put you up whether you're pulled out of the bucket or not. You're going to have an automatic spot next week, okay? There you go. Michael Larrer

for his first time ever in Kill Tony history. So you've been having fun, man? You got... Fuck yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Yeah, man, except some of these comics, they be talking to my nurse last girlfriend too much.

That's why I'm wearing the flight kit. It's like putting an ADT sign on your lawn, but not buying their shit. Oh my god,

you're so awesome. Thank you. Keep coming back. We fucking love you. You'll always have a place here at Kill Tony. Thank you. Oh, have you tried CBD? It's like weed,

but it won't get you high. Fuck that! Give me some cry cocaine. Michael, you are unstoppable. What's up with the Superman outfit tonight? It's a metaphor for what a hero I am.

Last week, he destroyed again, and he called out Louis J. Gomez. He said that he's going to kill so hard that he's going to have to invite him to Skankfest. You look like a fucking hot dog. I said to you online that I did it.

I was like, dude, I will fight you tonight on Kill Tony. What's happening? Michael, you're coming to Skankfest. Go to Skankfest, buddy. Boom. You're so happy. Why the hell shouldn't we make history

here tonight and announce you as the first ever third regular in the history of Kill Tony? Anything else crazy we need to know about before moving on? I'm just blowing up and enjoying the ride. Wow. He's a tank.

Oh, your mom, man. I feel like this fuck out of here, yo. You're a great actor. Stand up. Show them all you can do. He's just massaging his face. What? Oh, no. Oh, get out of here.

You are the quarantine king of comedy. You are the quarantine king of comedy. Even hit it. Wizard of Oz. If only I had to bring... Lemiz. Master of the house. Keep rolling in.

He's got it, man. La, la, la, la, la. Oh. Bring it down. Okay. Done and the new heroine. Stand at the still heroine. Oh.

Jack being nimble. Jack being quick. Jack's quick showing off. Oh. Dice. Dice. Little ball people lost their sheep to COVID complications.

Dice. Dice. Dice. Oh, wow. I'm here to make Helen Giller chill the fuck out. Fuck you. Joe Biden's presidential campaign slogan is alphabet soup.

Michael, why don't you stay on stage? We're going to keep it rolling here. No shit. This cripple motherfucker who will never work again, who loves comedy, who does not have

any fucks to give, he's coming to us and mother fuckers. Hey! I'm a proud new resident of Texas where AIDS was invented. Ladies and gentlemen,

doing some improv for us, Michael Lair, everybody. Michael will improvise how sex with him is like your suggestion. Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking? Sex with me

is like Stephen Hawking. We're going to come to you, our audience, for suggestions of brand names, products, stores, you name it. Michael will instantly show us why he was never allowed to work in advertising.

So this is very, very exciting. Okay, someone already yelled out Fruit Loops. Fruit Loops. Because you love cereal and you're a fucker. Oh, wow, look at the size of that straw. Yeah!

Oh, yes, he's also a pirate, everybody. I live in a really fancy building and I ask people to help me with the door and they can know me because they think I'm homeless. But little

than they know, I'm like one week from fucking their girl. How the fuck did the South lose the war? Did you run out of cocaine?

I'm a dying young man like a black. But it's God who's killing me, not one of my neighbors. Tonight's guests, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Michael Lairer, everybody!

Mike, you got on anti-gravity slippers. Your feet ain't touched the ground all night. Motherfucker, you are the expert in gravity. Oh, shit. It's William Montgomery.

Always a monster. So much fun. What the fuck was that? And I'm already in a bad mood because of my nurse last girlfriend. Oh, yeah? What's she do this? We're fighting again.

Lay your heart out. Yeah. Slap that base, y'all. I get out of here. I'm on TV. Oh, shit. No mask. Oh, shit. My son just moved here

to live with me. He's 21 years old. I wasn't then when he was born or for for 21 years. But now I'm gonna make it up to him

for the next three months. Okay. Well, he steals too, but that's another story. I'm kidding. What is he stolen from you? Anything? My heart. Welcome to the stage.

My boy, Colin Heaney. All right. I've been a hunter since I was 12. My dad wants me to take him some time. How would that work? I would be like Jabaka with him in my backpack like C-3PO.

If black guys want hard to understand when they're in front of you, they're impossible to understand when you're standing behind them. He got me, son! Yo, what the fuck is wrong with this show, man? Michael Lair,

you are a goddamn comedy angel. We absolutely fucking love you. You are one of the new backbones of this show. You are a real rock star. The only person else other than Chapelle that's a goat to me

is you. I thought about you. Colin, can we talk? Yeah. I love you, man. Respect. Yo, we have some real niggas today. Oh, Denny, I brought you a present. Oh!

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What is it? Oh, shit. Y'all, you got an emotion. Oh, my God, they're kissing. He is the hottest dude I've ever seen in a wheelchair before. Oh, absolutely.

I gotta tell you, I was thoroughly motherfucking entertained by this guy. Yeah! I thought it was fucking great, dude. Oh, I appreciate it, bro. You're hilarious, and I met you backstage and you had such a positive spirit. I liked you immediately.

I thought Michael was absolutely hysterical. I thought I was a huge fan when Michael came in on the final season of Facts of Life, but I really liked him. I really liked him tonight. The deaf guys get all the pussy at the Paralympics. So funny. No, that wasn't...

Yeah, those motherfuckers. That's my best laugh. And all my times are killed, Tony. That's what he does to people. He's the best. I'm here now, and I can focus on just getting good. And there's nothing in, like,

more fucking cool than that. Wow. Wow. Wow. I love you so much. No truer words have ever been spoken. That was beautiful, man. That was so real. That's who you are.

That was who you are. That's beautiful. I love you! I love you! I love you! We fucking love you, Michael. I love you! Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very exciting moment

in the history of the show. The first ever inductee to the brand-new Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Michael Lair. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna stand around. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. When Tony, Tony, Michael,

we want you to be in the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. I'm like, what is that? Can I sleep there? Will there be a credit check? Because if so, I will not pass.

But in a Hall of Fame, it's like any hallway where you walk down the hall and there are doors on either side. And one door says employees only. And that door

behind that has the cleanest bathroom you've ever seen. Now, there's a lot of stuff. Now, there might be some obstacles

in front of that door. The grace employees push their motherfuckers out of the way and go and have the best picture

of your life. Now, when you come out, every employee is going to be very, very mad at you. But here's the thing, they can't put my piss

back inside of me. Now, I'm really excited about this award because Kiltony has a very large audience

and I bet really quick I can sell it. But in all seriousness, calmly I got back into it because it's about

community. But the longer I'm in it, the more I hate people. Like, you know, here, there's a green room on this second floor.

They do not have an elevator. All the food is on this second floor. No one is ever even brought me a sandwich. Now, on the third floor

there is a gigantic mural of everyone who's performed here. And I'm lucky enough where there's a giant painting of me. All of my friends

you see at the table and behind me, no one has ever thought hey, we should take Michael to the third floor. But you know, about two weeks ago

I went to Portland for my sister's suicide. And that's true. But a third of the people they back out in it and I back down in it.

And I don't know how long I have left but I know tonight rocked and thank you all very much. Michael, here to present you

with some amazing art. It's the great Colin Heaton everybody. His own son is here everybody. Heaton Some sweet shit. Colin Heaton

Michael, we absolutely fucking love you. How loud can this place get for the great Michael Lair? Come on people. Fucking do it. If you've ever made noise before in your goddamn life this is a man

that loves being a comedian more than anyone I fucking know. He was the first comedian in Los Angeles out of all of them to move out here with us. He was the first comedian in Los Angeles

out of all of them to move out here with us. The courage, the strength that this guy goes through just to do the most normal things is fucking unbelievable. He could have been dead a week ago and he stayed alive to be able to do things

like this and fucking make you guys casually laugh, making it look easy and seamless. We love you Michael. Hopefully we see you again soon. Yeah. Yeah, we love you.

Michael Lair everybody. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. We having fun here tonight, huh? Well let's get back to fucking a little bit more of a

central comedy chaos here. How about one more time for Michael, huh? We could do that. And now for the regular that I thought would die first. You know this guy is one of the most prolific joke writers in the

show's history, one of the great roasters of the universe. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of our great regulars David Lucas everybody. Yeah. Fucking midterm elections. Texas did a good job of voting that wheelchair

back in. He was like, this is a step in the right direction. I'm like, nigga, not for you. We're rolling right into the next year. I'm from Georgia and Georgia is out of control. How bad

of a politician do you have to be to have a runoff with Herschel Walker? That nigga ain't been relevant in 37 years. I can beat Herschel Walker. I like Governor DeSantis speech. He delivered his speech like he was a professional wrestler. I love that shit.

He got on TV and he was like I'm not gonna let you run away. I'm gonna take you to Florida. It's where Woke comes to die. Next week, we got you tranties. Oh, there it is. David Lucas everybody.

Crushing. Another great performance. How you doing, David? The fuck you got on? I decided to wear a little something special for you. Your ass dressed like Arthur from the TV show. And I said, hey, what a wonderful guy today. If you like to run and play.

You look like a... With each other. You look like a different Arthur. You look like Arthur Ashy. You look like a P-Test, nigga. You look like Lizzo's personal trainer. You're doing a good job. You're doing a good job. Look at me. You're better than me. You're better than me.

Tony, you look like the kind of guy who will let his homeboys talk him into twerking. Y'all niggas know I get crazy on that tequila. You better stop. Bitch, don't give me no Hennessy. That's true. The only time you twerk is when your knees freeze up in the morning, right?

Your ass dressed like a homosexual cotton ball, nigga. What the fuck wrong with you, boy? You about to... You look like Hershey Walker. You look like you should be on the front of a gay cigarette box. Do they have gay cigarettes? I want a carton if they do.

You got to spoke them off the backwards. You got to light the butt of the cigarette, if you... You look like a Marlboro not-so-light. Tony, you can roll the butt with... You can roll the black with your pussy lips. There's anything... There's anyone that knows anything about rolls that's you up here.

No doubt about it. Fucking incredible. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know about Philly Blunts and Philly Cheesesteaks. Look at your ass.

This is incredible. Well, if I got a long-sleeve yellow... That long-sleeve yellow shirt, gay as fuck. What are you wearing? You're wearing a plain black ass fucking shirt. It's a Kanye shirt. Look at the back, bruh. Oh, you got wings? Oh, man, that's gonna be a rough take-off.

Holy shit. This motherfucker's got wings, thighs, and breasts. Look at this shit. Tony, the niggas on your shirt is kissing. Get the fuck up out of here. Let's see that motherfucker. One nigga, he leaning out of grass from dick. Yeah, right there, right there. That's true.

What the fuck going on on your shirt, boy? Get the fuck up out of here. You know what this is? It's like the Kentucky Fried Derby or something like that. What is that? A polo shirt, nigga? I just thought it'd be fun to wear. Give you something to make fun of this fucking...

I don't know who picked that out. You look like a judge on RuPaul's drag show. All right. All right, I don't know. Let me see you walk down the catwalk again, bitch. This time, tuck your dick, all right? Oh, my God. I love your shirt.

I've never seen wings on a hot air balloon before, so it's pretty cool. I don't know which direction you're flying, but... Man, get your... Look at this. A volcano just went off, everybody. Did the pope just die? What is that shit?

Tony, I heard you text your boyfriend before killing Tony saying you can't wait to snuggle that thing. That's actually true. That's why nobody laughed. We all know that one's true. I shouldn't have took them shots before I got up here. No, you're good. Shots of what, insulin? You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch. Tony, you be boofing alcohol through your ass, nigga. It's no smell when I get drunker. Y'all niggas in boof? Oh, God. That's some Georgia shit. Oh, my God. Tom, you've seen David before.

You know about this guy. He's an absolute freakin' freak of nature. That's my dog, Tom Segura, this bitch. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Him and Red Band look like a before and after picture. Yeah. In the future.

Way after. No, before, nigga, before. You look like that bucket of destiny. Oh, come on. Come on. There's no way you have a tighter asshole than me. You know what I'm saying? I'm not gay.

Yeah, but the shits you must take are fucking dilapidating. I'd imagine some of them come out looking like gym bags. Tony, you shit sunflower seeds, mother fucker. You look like you eat bird seeds, nigga. Get your goof ass. Do you have a camera on my toilet? Because that's true. Sometimes I look down there, there's little bird feet in there.

Somebody got chew your food up before you eat it. Get you. I know. He's been asking me if he could have that job for months now. You are a bird of prey, nigga. Your ass. Come on, fuck it. You're excited.

Your big holiday Thanksgiving's right around the corner. Ain't nothing good stuff at your house but you. Yeah. Ready for the stuffing, baby. Oh, yeah. And your Thanksgiving probably has large sides, too. I'm actually in Canada the whole week of Thanksgiving. Okay.

What's that place called? Rumors. Winnipeg. Hell yeah. Winnipeg. You got to order a full for full for Thanksgiving, nigga. Shut your ass. No, he going to win this for Thanksgiving. The Cornbread King of Thanksgiving.

Brian Redban is here. Hell yeah. Cranberry Jello. Yeah. I would be the one eating the fruit and vegetable. Oh, my God. Redban don't ever try to roast David again. This is it.

You get to see. That make a crazy. David, you're a fucking freak, man. I don't know how you do it every single week. It's crazy that we do this. We have roasted each other publicly. What's that, Tom? This is fantastic.

You guys do this for hours. Isn't it crazy? It's the best. We've literally figured out that we've made fun of each other on the internet more than any other two people. We got history books, bro. I want to see you, by the way, do 15 minutes on Herschel Walker. Really? Yes. Only you, I think, could do it.

Yeah. I'd expand that. Hell yeah. Before you're walking with a walker. David, you're a monster. Where do people get tickets for your tour? DavidLukasComedy.com. I got a whole bunch of dates for next year. I'm still trying to...

Well, Tony helped me figure out the name of my tour next year. We're going to call it 2023 and Me. That's right. Tony figured out that. Yeah, I appreciate it. You're hilarious, dude. David Lucas, everybody. Right there. You guys ready to go back to this bucket, huh? We're having fun here tonight.

We're having fun here tonight. Make some noise for Ryder Maynaghe. Ryder Maynaghe. Ryder, here he comes. You guys still having fun out there, huh? All right, here he is. Make some noise for Ryder. What's going on, Austin?

So this is my first time to Texas. Texas is pretty... It's a dope state. I love it. I love it here. Except for you guys. This is abortion laws. It's a little wild. But I think we have you beat up in Idaho. Like, it's illegal to even say the word abortion. Up there.

Yeah, yeah. Like, the university I went to, they don't even hand out condoms anymore. Yeah, I know. It doesn't make any sense. I respect, like, just a bunch of, you know, horny college kids that have to pull out. Yeah, not...

Yeah, no. Not gonna happen. Not gonna happen. I think my dad meant to pull out. Well, it just... It just doesn't add up. Like, I was born, like, 14 years after my parents got married. And, like, I was born in, like, a family of Catholics.

Like, they start having babies after communion. Yeah. And also, like, I was also born 10 weeks early. It's like my mom's water broke when she was out running. Like, Jesus Christ, mom, were you trying to have a stillborn?

That's my time. All right. Here we go. Now we are back to the bucket, obviously. I know. We went Steve-o, Michael Laird, David Lucas. And now

the whitest white boy of all time from the Plains of Idaho, huh? Yeah, yeah. You are fucking the opposite of David Lucas, huh? Yeah, yeah. Wow.

All right, so let's talk about it. You're visiting Texas for your first time is what you started out with, right? Yeah, that's correct. Okay. How long have you been here? I flew in on Friday, late Friday night. What are you doing here? I had a buddy that just moved down here, so I kind of came down to visit him.

Okay, when are you going back? Tomorrow. Perfect. Ryder, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? This is my first time. Oh, okay. Make some noise for him in that case. Yeah, the courage to try. You came all the way from Idaho. What part of Idaho?

Northern Idaho. Wow. It's quiet up there, huh? Very quiet. What's more quiet? Northern Idaho or this audience during your 60 seconds? Definitely this audience. Yeah, I bet. At least you get like a fucking elk roaring or something out there. Yeah, exactly.

They're like, did that elk just laugh at my joke? Exactly. How old are you, Ryder? I'm 27. What do you do? I consult for a power company. All right. Yeah, it's not exciting. So boring yet somehow the most exciting thing about you so far, Ryder.

What do you do for fun? We live on like the confluence of two rivers, and so I like to like, we take, my buddy has a jet boat, so we'll like, go up the Snake River, like in the Hells Canyon area. Okay. Yeah, go fishing and just kind of you know, fuck around there. It sounds cool, the Snake River,

Hells Canyon. It's pretty cool. What's a jet boat? What was that? Is a jet boat different than a boat? It is. It is. What's a jet boat? A jet boat's a boat with a jet on it. That sounds like some shit you made up from like

I don't know. We're able to go through like rapids and stuff. So like where you go like whitewater rafting, like a jet boat just kind of goes right through those. Oh, okay, okay. All right. So you do this a lot. What else do you do? Tell us more about living life in northern Idaho.

Well, it's exactly what you expect it to be. Yeah, there's like what, one dive bar or something like that? Yep, that's exactly right. Wow. Do you ever get in like fights there or anything? Arguments with the old locals? Well, no, I'm white, so...

Isn't everybody in Idaho white? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are there, how many black people have you seen in your whole life? Well, there's like... Immediately, for those of you just listening to the podcast, he immediately turned to the band.

He pointed directly at D-Madness. This is like the third one. He was like, you. Is that why your nipples are so hard? Oh, my goodness. Wow.

So there's not many up there in northern Idaho. What do your parents do? Maybe he was just nervous for his day. He's like, I don't know what the fuck's going on. Yeah, Tom's right. Tom's right. Oh, my goodness. But you have literally seen black people before. I have, yes.

Right. And what do they do in northern Idaho? They play sports. They play sports. Okay, very good. Wow. Like, they get recruited to the universities and the schools up there. Indeed. They get full right scholarships.

That's the only reason they come to Idaho. Right. Not a lot of natives. What was that? Not a lot of native blacks around your city. Correct. Okay. Welcome to another city. Thank you. I love Austin. What have you done for fun since being here?

What was that? What have you done for fun since being in Austin? Yeah, yeah. So Saturday night we went and checked out Rainey Street. And that was a lot of fun. That's cool. And we went to UT tailgate right before the game. That was a lot of fun.

A lot of whites there? Yes. Listen to Third Eye Blind. Real white shit. Real white music. Have you ever seen Mexicans in Idaho? No. They don't exactly get recruited for football.

They did the other kind of football. Very good. All right. All right. Do you think you'll do it again? Do you think you'll do it again? Will you do stand up again? Sure. I'll give it a shot.

We're not asking you to. We're asking you if you think you're going to. You think you're going to, what's your plan? You're going to stay up in Northern Idaho, start a show or something? I have to start my own comedy show because they don't exist up there.

White Night. Oh my goodness. What do you think is the most white thing about you, Ryder? Because you are one of the whitest people we've ever had on this show. If there's something extra white about you,

what do you think it is? Oh. D-Madness says he's scared. Here comes the answer. Whittest thing about Ryder other than his name. You know, I just, I, I'm a missionary status,

you know, during sex. You know? Missionary status. Not even the position. Missionary status. Like a Facebook status. Very white. Like something that he just puts on and leaves.

You know, it gets the job done. He nailed that one. Missionary status. Okay. Now you've been in Austin a weekend. What do you think is the blackest thing about you, Ryder? If you had to guess what the blackest

thing about you is. Don't really think about it. Just go for it, man. There is no wrong answer here. Nothing can happen to you. Both of the black men behind you are blind. This one looks like he's looking at you right in the eyes, but he's actually completely blind as well.

Got a bunch of equipment between him and you. I can feel the judgment, yeah. He just has really, really good intuition. I know he's looking right into your eyes right now, but what do you think is the blackest thing about you, Ryder? Hold on. Let me hold on to you.

Please say my dick. No, I'm kidding. No, what is it, Ryder? Seriously. No, you can't say that now. It's not true. Only child. He knows so little about black people that he thinks that that's a black stereotype. Well, Tony, I'm an only child.

No brothers and sisters, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, my God. Wild. Unbelievable. You know, all those black only childs. Oh, the blackest thing about me. I love country music, Tony.

I like a good waffle in the morning, too. You know that public enemy song, Only Child? I like a good frittata. Oh, boy. Ryder, you are something else, man. Oh, man. You fucking started your little comedy career today and you get a little Kill Tony joke book for it.

Can you catch? Oh, perfect, yeah. No, he can't. Got the hands of an Idaho potato, everybody. There he goes. Ryder may nag he. You guys want to go to this bucket one more time, huh? All right. All right, but we got to put a ribbon on this thing here.

Okay. Your next comedian goes by the name of Ali Musa. Ali Musa, or Ali Musa. Make some noise for Ali, everybody. How's it going, guys?

So I moved out here from Arizona. Oh, yeah, no response. Actually, I had no idea that Austin was so liberal. Like, it caught me off guard because you guys need to realize I'm from Arizona where I was almost deported to Mexico three times and I'm not even Mexican. You guys are some of the scariest

homeless people on the planet, too. I don't know what the fuck is up with that. I was gonna fight with a dude on 6th Street. I'm just walking down the street. This dude walks right up to me. And he looked like he survived an explosion in a Looney Tunes cartoon. Like, he looked like he was on fire and put out 10 seconds before talking to me.

And he asked me if I have any money. He's asking a bunch of questions. I tell him no. And I swear to God, he goes, pshhh. You look like a police sketch of Jafar. I was like, and you look like Aladdin if you never found a lamp asshole. And fuck you

for being funnier than me, too. I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. I do. But I gave him five bucks. Get the fuck away from me now. Thank you, guys.

Hell, yeah. Ali, welcome. You've been on this show before, right? I've been on twice, but not for a year. Right. Good to see you again. You have a face that I could not forget if I tried. Right, right. Nice talker vibes. I dig it, man. Right, right. I get called to Inigo Montoya quite a bit, actually.

Yeah. Anybody ever call you Lafi Gaddafi? Yeah, and I'm Libyan, too. So, yeah, it works out. There you go. Absolutely. So we haven't seen you in a year. Tell us about your life. Just doing comedy, delivering Uber Eats

and just trying to get by, I guess. Okay, awesome. What have you been doing for fun? Recording a podcast called the Ali USA podcast. Oh, wow. That'll get you through TSA easily. Right. I swear. Let me through. I have a podcast. It's Ali USA. I'm a good guy.

Oh, I got my car totaled in an accident two weeks after I was on here last. Oh, shit. What was it? How about that? I was just sitting at a red light and some dude in a Dodge Ram just totaled the back of my Corolla. Wow.

And then he got arrested in a Golden Corral parking lot and cried. Damn. Anytime anybody's crying in a Golden Corral parking lot. I think it's because it was closed. It was why. Right. Was it David Lucas? No, I'm kidding.

I'm still getting you. You hear me? Ali, what else? What's your love life like? Kind of non-existent. It's hard when you don't have a lot of money. Right. I mean, I deliver Uber Eats.

Do you ever get an Uber Eats where it's like a single lady and she's like, hey, you want to come in? Not in Austin, in Arizona, though. Oh, shit. Okay. Where? I didn't go that far. I kind of chickened out. Oh, interesting.

I'm not into 65-year-old women. Oh, yeah. You would have gotten a five-star tip. That's for sure. Absolutely. Interesting. So it was an older lady, Uber Eats. Yeah, Nancy Pelosi vibes were going on, so I had to check out. Okay.

Did you think about killing her husband with a hammer? Right. I didn't, I forget. It doesn't matter. Anyway, Ollie, you have any special skills or talents? Well, I can do impressions decently. I've done some on here before. Okay. Let's see some impressions. What do you got?

I can do Alex Jones. Let's see Alex Jones. Well, I'm really happy to be here on the Kill Tony podcast. No, this is the best thing going on in Austin, Texas. You can go to infowarstores.com right now and buy the iodine, buy the hydroxychloroquine that's trying to shut me down right now. I have no idea. I'm still on the air.

You put the sand in sandy hook. You know what I'm saying? It's a good Libyan joke right there. There you go. How about another impression? One more impression. Oh, I did Ben Shapiro on here before. That was the first one. Let's hear Ben Shapiro.

You need to vote for Ron DeSantis. If you want to save this country, it's the only way. We've got to take it back from the left. AOC is the reason this country is falling apart. That is incredible. That is incredible. How about one more? You got one more for us? One more.

Hard to follow that Ben Shapiro. I know. A girl? This is a really, really weird one. I can kind of do the woman from Pulture Geist, Zelda Rubinstein. Okay, we know her. That classic from 35 years ago.

That is the little old lady that is the psychic. I watched the 40-year anniversary, so it's older than that actually. Let's hear it. Yeah, the lady built like Eric Cartman. Yeah. That's actually incredible.

That is incredible. That is one of my favorite obscure impressions I've ever heard. The band agrees, Paul Damer is blowing his horn over here. I don't even know if it's accurate, but it's still good, you know? It's just weird, right? Ollie, it's been a year,

but you have a joke book from us, right? Yeah, I do. You're out here grinding along, everything's good. Stand-up comedy's going good. You feel like you're getting better? I do, I do, yeah. I love it. Ollie, I would love to have you on The Secret Show.

Awesome, thank you. You already have one of these joke books? I got two of them. You have two of them. Perfect, then you're good. What? There's only one way to end an episode like this. And that is with the man

who has done more brand new minutes than anybody ever in the history of the show. You might know him as the Big Red Machine, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is William Montgomery. Apparently, CNN did an exit poll

on race the day of the election. Do you really need a poll for that? Imagine if my ass walked out and they were like, sir, we need to figure something out about you real quick. Imagine the overly sensitive exit pollster providing horrible data because he's afraid to say

black to black people. He's afraid to say black to black people. He's afraid to say black to black people. He's afraid to say black to black. He's afraid to say black to black people. He's afraid to say black to black people. Would you say you're African from African ancestry?

Like would you say you're more of a threat to take it to the basket or shoot the long jump shot? Excuse me, sir. Who did you vote for today? And can you dunk? Can I touch your hair? New exit poll.

70% white. 8% no, I can't touch their hair. 4% have never changed a smoke alarm battery. And 10% look Chinese. So apparently there was a roast of Jay Leno. He got his face burned real bad yesterday. Did y'all not know that?

Okay. So y'all probably heard by now Jay Leno was seriously burned in an accident inside of a car garage. Investigators initially thought it was a gasoline fire but they now have learned he was listening to an Apex twin mixtape.

But seriously, Jay Leno suffered severe burns to the face in a free car fire. When asked for a comment, Stevo said, man, that ain't shit. Everybody is always like, I wish MTV played more music videos. Everybody except Stevo's royalty checks.

Okay, that's it. Hell yes. William lights out Montgomery doing it again. Exit poll jokes. Very, very interesting. Very seasonal. Yeah, I was a little worried there at the beginning

but then luckily people started laughing a little bit. Very worried at the beginning of that one tonight. And it got better as it went along. Got a little better. How did it make you feel inside laughing at the beginning? I was a little fucking horrified.

I put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into the set tonight and then when people aren't fucking laughing it really puts me on edge. I've had a really hard week. My aunt got trapped inside of

a target. It was the weirdest thing. I've had just a really hard week this week. Wait, how did she get trapped inside of a target? She had recently watched the Home Alone 2 lost in New York and she thought she could get inside of one of the little

playhouses in the target and then robbed the target machines later on that night. It didn't really work out. She was just stuck in the play equipment the whole time. They ended up smelling her body. Oh wow. Yeah, like a week later. Yeah, she's dead.

Oh wow, that's an amazing reveal. Super sad. How the hell to get to this? She's dead part. Yeah, she died and then I fucking put my fucking blood, sweat, and tears into this goddamn set and people aren't fucking laughing. Yeah, it puts me on edge a little bit Tony.

I swear to God. Yeah, how does it make you feel? It makes me want to talk to my aunt again but I can't. What would you say to her? God, I miss your baking so much. I miss your sweet notes. We would pass in class.

She's an aunt who's like right by my age. We were best friends growing up. She used to pass me these notes. I really miss those fucking notes. God. Tom, what do you think? You haven't seen William in a while. How's it? I enjoyed very much.

I'm really sorry about your aunt. Thank you. She was your aunt but close in age. Yes. Same age? Same age. Same age aunt. Wow. Same age. How much older are your parents than your aunt?

15 years. 10-15 years. Wow. I'm trying to do the math real quick on what that question you just asked me. I was thinking hold on. It's a sensitive week. I'm sorry. Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

I like the exit poll stuff though. Thank you. There's something there baby. Yeah. When you say blood, sweat and tears I mean literally I dropped a cup in my kitchen this week and I accidentally stepped on a bunch of glass so there was a

literally blood all throughout my fucking apartment this entire week. I couldn't get it up. So yeah, literally blood. I was crying a lot because my aunt died. So that's the tears. Bloods. How about the sweat?

Ugh. Ha ha ha ha ha. What was all the glass from? I fucking it was weird. When I found out about my aunt I just, when I get mad I start throwing things or I'll start breaking things. Yeah, yeah.

Just doing shit like that. William, you've confessed to a few murders as of late on this show. Have you been killing anybody lately? Well, I was actually with Duncan and Fort Worth and Dallas this past weekend. I'm proud to say I only got one person the entire

weekend. So normally I think I would have gotten... Okay. He does this thing where if you take him on the road with you he murders somebody because they can't track where he is so it's his way of getting away with murder. Let's go out together. Let's go do it. Yeah, please. Let's do it.

Just let me know. Let me know. I mean, when can we do it? Let's do this right. Let's figure it out right now. Okay. Okay. You want to come the first week in December? Yeah. Okay. Cool. Okay. You have to kill somebody. Okay. Do you want to watch?

I need somebody to hold the camera. Would you be willing to hold the camera? No. Come on. You wouldn't be willing to hold the fucking camera. I'll put the tripod up but I'm not going to hold the camera. I'll fucking frame it up. You would frame it up for me? I'll frame up the shot.

Would you hide in the closet at least? I want you to watch me. I like to have an audience when I'm doing this. Would you watch me? Yes. Cool. Let's do it. Would you like a Filipino person? I'd prefer to see an only child. You know? Okay. I can

find one of those. I'm pretty sure we just saw William get booked by Tom Segura for a road gig. This could be this could be a good match. You guys go together like a fucking banana. Oh, it's going to be a good match.

Oh, shit. It's going to be a great match. Stop. Man, you're going to love it. There's no better way to end an episode than with the great William Montgomery, everybody. We did it. Get his cameos.

He's on cameo. He's making it big through cameo. Ryan J. He drew tonight's episode featuring Tom Segura and the great Michael air and even got Steve. Oh, in there fucking awesome. All those prints are available. Ryan J.

Bel. Yeah, he draws every episode while it's happening all the way in Los Angeles sent it to us. Guys, how loud can this place get for my great guest, Tom Segura? He's all over

Netflix, the best podcast in the world, resident of Austin, Texas. How about one more time for the band? That's the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John Dees on the keys.

Matt Mueling on guitar. Paul Deemer on the horns. And the great D-Madness on the bass guitar. We love you guys. Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie Buck and all of our other amazing sponsors Austin. We love you. We'll see you

next week. Thank you so much everybody. Bye. Yeah. Yeah.