KILL TONY - KT #587 - KURT METZGER

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

Kurt Metzger, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 11/21/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including the Weekly Secret show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to shopsquad.tv for Desquad merchandise and go to RyanJeBelt.com. He's the house artist.

He draws every episode. He sells prints. He sells posters. And Tony is on tour right now, so go to TonyHinchCliff.com for everything golden pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Atkins!

Who's ready to have the best goddamn night of their lives, huh? Yeah. Yeah, make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Oh, hi, everybody. You're at Kill Tony live in Austin, Texas, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs on planet Earth, are here in Austin. And of course, the great Deep Eddie vodka, the best vodka in the world, also made here in Austin, Texas.

How about a hand for the band, everybody? Did you guys see that shit? Are we here tonight? You guys present? It's the Kill Tony band, brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. It's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums right there, John Dees on the keys. That's the great D-Madness right there on bass guitar, joining us tonight, Daniel Howard on the electric guitar, and of course, the great Paul Deemer on the horns.

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You guys ready to start tonight's episode, huh? My guests tonight, one of the funniest guys in the world. He lives in Los Angeles now, originally. One of my favorite New York comics. Brilliant, brilliant writer, performer, comedy store paid regular. Makes noise for our good friend Kurt Metzger, everybody. Hell yeah. The great Kurt Metzger is here.

We're doing this shit. A multiple time guest of the show. Guy that gets it. Brilliant writer on the Kyle Dunnigan show, the Jimmy Doerr show, touring stand up comedian. Fuck yeah, Kurt. Welcome back. Those are good roast jokes, dude. Thank you.

I would say there's some positive things about Bert at his roast. Like I say a genuine positive thing about Bert, not a roast. I thought it took a lot more guts for him to do his hour with no shirt on than it did for Tignatara. I thought that was a loperaver. Oh, she took her fucking shirt off, but Bert did that twice, nobody's patting him on the back. Have you?

No, I can't do that one. You almost got me in trouble there, Kurt. We're going to have fun here tonight. You've been on guest on the show multiple times before. You guys know how it works. How many of you, this is your first kill, Tony, huh? Oh, you guys raised your hands because you don't know you clap at a live show. That's hilarious.

A bunch of people signed up for the chance to get on this stage. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted to try to do stand up comedy. After the 60 seconds is up, you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them and we find out more about them and what's special about them. They go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast after a minute. You guys get it?

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Your first comedian, a regular on the show, gets things started every week. Give some noise for Hans Kim, everybody. Hey. What's up, guys? I'm really into licking buttholes, but I don't like how people talk about it like it's the newest flavor of Mountain Dew. You Gatorade Doritos Trash.

Call your mother. You don't get a prize for fucking weird. But yeah, I'm really happy to be here. A lot of people ask me, they're like, dude, are you going to be at Kill Tony tonight? I'm like, yeah, I'm there pretty regularly. You could say I'm there at Kill Tony in a manner that constitutes a constant and regular pattern. I'm regular, so that's why that's funny.

I went clubbing recently, and I met a bunch of beautiful ladies that have boyfriends, which is great. I don't understand these people who go clubbing with their significant other. They're like, hey, you want to go watch people who are trying to fuck each other and then not fuck them? Thank you. Hans Kim. Hello, Hans.

Hi, Tony. How's it going, my friend? It's going good. How do you feel like that went? Terribly. Why do you think it went terribly? The butt licking, I think they were like, is he pro butt licking or anti butt licking? I got to make signals from it.

I did. I think that's a very partisan issue. What was the answer? What's the answer to it? Are you? I'm for it. It's just not like a big part of my personality. I don't think it should be a part of anyone's personality.

Wow. Wow. You're fine yourself by it. Yeah, that's the bottom of the barrel. They say you are what you eat, so I don't know, that's a little bit... What are these clubs you've been going to? This is a new development. Oh, I was just kidding.

So what have you been doing? We've all been laying low for the holidays here. Everybody's sort of been chilling. How about you? We had a great Thanksgiving with my beautiful girlfriend. We had a sex giving. We fucked a lot. And one time we fucked for like 15 minutes.

It was pretty crazy. Whoa. New record. Wait, finish the story. What did you give her? Just my bacteria. Oh my goodness, Hans. We're getting some wild feedback from another universe.

This is very interesting. What else? What makes it a sex giving? Was this a planned thing? Did you guys eat? Yeah, we ate Eider Assel. Oh my God. What was that?

I actually ate her pussy, but my nose was in her asshole, so... Just like the first Thanksgiving. I believe it was indeed the Pilgrims and the Indians where they went. All right. So what else, Hans? What else is going on in this crazy life of ours? I sold out another comedy club. Thank you, Tony.

You're welcome, my dear, dear. Oh wait, I thought he meant he betrayed another... No, that's not me. That's another Asian guy. Yeah, that's true. This is one of the good ones right here, you know what I'm saying? So it's fun. Everything's working out with a girlfriend.

Any new hobbies or anything? Last time we saw you, we found out you were spending more money. I've been spending a lot of money. I recently bought a Roomba. Oh God. I bought a basketball and a football. Who have you been playing with, with this basketball and football? I've yet to find someone to play with.

Wow. Wait, do I rank his set now or no? Whatever you want. Oh, I thought it was a good set. I thought it was very autistic, which I appreciated because I was here last time. I thought you came in strong with the IE-DAS opening. You had my interest. You lost it partway through, but the last joke is solid.

I give it three and a half FTX goofy looking girlfriends, if I'm on Adderall. Thank you, Kurt. I appreciate it. I love it, Hans. We always have fun. Thanks so much. As always. Anything else you want to say or plug or anything?

I'm doing Tacoma at the end of the month. End of what month? December. And, you know, I, sorry, I talk about sex too much. I kind of really like it. Wait, who said you talk about sex too much? Oh, just the Redditors. Wait a second.

How do you, how does this, this is a new development here. So what, this is a new thing. It's not, it's really like 90% of everything he talks about is sex and kissing and. Oh, they're gonna say Reddit. Yeah. I'm also a Redditor, but yeah, I mean, I, I think it's fine if you hate me, you know, whatever. Listen.

Oh my God. What is happening? You're just sitting around all emotional, fucking your girlfriend who's not a comedian. So you're just keeping it all internalized, sitting around through the holidays just like I suck. Let's fuck again. According to the internet, I suck. If you're that into Reddit, I'm, I'm just happy you just have a regular sex life with

an adult woman. Thank you. She's definitely an adult. Wow. The police are on their way. I can't fucking. There he goes everybody. Hans Kim, everybody.

Thank you. Letting Reddit affect his confidence. That's a, this is a new thing. It's, something's not right. Yeah. Hans is a little bit off right now. I don't know. I think he's kind of freaking me out.

I think he needs some hot yoga or something. You know what I mean? All right. I pulled a name out of the bucket. This could be absolutely anybody. It could be the serial killer, but it just stood up right here. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian with an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight out of the bucket goes by the name of Nipple Mike, Nipple Mike, Nipple Mike.

Here he comes from way upstairs, the long adventure around the massive Vulcan gas company. Nipple Mike getting up here pretty slowly. One more time for Nipple Mike, everybody. All right, all right. So yeah, I'm a proud member of the LGBTQ Anon community. My pronouns are bro and cuck. I like to tuck it back while I watch Tuckle Carlson. My favorite sexual position is January 69th.

It's the move I would have pulled on if I broke into Nancy Pelosi's house. It's just me and Paul sucking each other's dick. Where's Nancy? Where's Nancy? Hit him with my own hammer. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, my boy, Trump, he's back on Twitter, yeah? Like that.

I was super bummed when they kicked him off, but started following on only fans. Turns out he's not a big orange man with a tiny dick. He's a butch lesbian and drag with a giant clit. Thank you. There you go. Thank you. Oh, you have a tag. I got a giant clit.

Nipple Mike doesn't know exactly how to close it. It's got the rest figured out. How about one more time for Nipple Mike, everybody? Can I call you Nipple? Please, please do. Can I call you Mike? What do you prefer? Just don't call me Shirley.

Okay, very good. Very good. Thank you, Grandpa. Grandpa Pa, back reincarnated in the body of a little League umpire. I was trying to figure out how old is Mike? I know he could be anything. He looks like he could be 11 or 104. How old are you, Nipple Mike?

I'm 47. Whoa. Whoa. 47. Nipple Mike. I like that. That's some real 21st century like conspiracy queer chic. I'm way into it.

Like that movie Hackers, you ever see Hackers? Well, you're 47. You saw Hackers? Yeah. I'm 46. We saw Hackers. It reminds me of Hackers. Yeah, I never saw Hackers.

I'm like, yeah, no. There's a bunch of Nimble Mike's hacking stuff. Wow. I include Angelina Jolie in that. How long have you been on stand-up, Nipple Mike? This is my third time. Third time ever. Wow.

And your first two times were very recent or a long time ago? I did a Mike, I live in Honolulu and I did a Mike there. You live there currently? Yes. How long have you lived there? 22 years. 22 years. Where were you at before that?

This terrible place called Florida. Oh, OK. And what made you move to Honolulu? Well, I lived on Maui for a few years. I got an internship at the National Park there at Haleakala and never turned back. All right. You should get a job like scamming rich people for living in Honolulu. That's the best living, dude.

You bring like a didgeridoo, just walk on the beach. You'll get into adventures with them. 22 years in Hawaii and you're dressed like you just got there today for the first time. It's absolutely incredible to me. This is like when I first moved to Texas and dressed like a cowboy. You guys remember that? It was very recently. I was hoping you would be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So Mike, what do you do for fun? You out there fucking pull them pineapples off of trees and shit? Yeah. I surf. I ride mountain bikes or I dirt bikes. I have an e-bike.

Oh, wow. The lazy. Wow. Bike. Yeah. Do you still have yours? I have three. You have three.

Yeah. What is it? You should come over and ride sometime. Have some butt sex and go very good right now. We just squeeze a fucking joke in there. It's a fucking lazy person's fucking bike. You can press a button at any point. It just goes, you just roll away.

I guess that part when Red Band said he had three of them. Yeah. The pedals are clean as fuck on those things. He just lets his feet hang, holds that button down. I imagine the electric charge lasts up to 15 minutes or something like that. So Nipple Mike, you're in Hawaii. You're out there surfing around. You're cycling around.

What's your love life like? I am presently engaged. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Wait, is Nipple Mike a surfing related nickname? What's Nipple Mike? No, I kitesurf too and there's a ton of people that were named Mike in the kitesurf community

and I had Nipple Rings at the time so they started calling me Nipple Mike. Wait. Unbelievable. Just out there. I got the whole thing except Nipple Rings. You had Nipple Rings? Yeah. So they call him Nipple Mike?

Nipple. He's not Nipple at all. Oh, it's Nipple Mike. Nipple. N-I-P-P-L-E. Oh. Oh, you should change it to Nipple Mike. It's better.

Do you still have your Nipples, Pierce? No, no. Are you Nipple? Huh? I'm pretty Nipple. He looks Nipple. Happy Nipple. Do you ever tie kites to your Nipple hoops or anything like that?

Yeah, what's the craziest thing you've ever done? Like the most stunt worthy? Do you ever take a chance? It's the riskiest thing in your life you've ever done. Toe surfing, you ever heard of that? Where you use a jet ski to get pulled into a big wave? Yeah. Yeah, that's cool.

But some of the waves are so big that it's like a power assisted, you know. It's like a cheat code to surfing. Yeah, totally. This girl you're marrying, what does she do? She is going to school to eventually become a doctor, so she's pre-med right now. What kind of doctor? She wants to be a family practitioner. All right.

Yeah. I thought he was going to say a girl that makes her own jewelry out of seashells and shit. Yeah. Easily what could end up happening here. It's a long way to a family practitioner. I was pooling for dentists or something like that, but it's going to be a while. Nimble Mike, what's the most interesting thing about your life ever?

Let's see. Wow. Why do you think you kind of give off pedophile vibes? It's what everybody, I just got this question from the audience. We have a new thing where we have little pads underneath your chair. You could type questions. So I'm going to take her out. If you reach under your chairs, you're going to feel some gumballs and things, but...

My favorite band is Minor Threat? I don't know. Oh, that's... yeah. All right. Nimble Mike, where do you see this going? You've done this three times. Do you love it? This feels amazing.

It's been a goal of mine to pick up. Wait, what do you do for work again? I'm a forester. I work with... I manage the Wildland Fire program. Oh, dude. Hit it again. Stop there in the forest.

Just me and a bunch of dudes climbing wood. I love it. What are you doing out there? What does that really mean to you? You're not a big guy. No, I'm not. They send you up to get like the cats out of the trees and shit or something like that? Yeah, I spend a lot of time repelling for rare plant surveys and stuff like that, so

I climb up and... I love it. Okay. This is the most official... Red Band thinks you're gay. All right, Nimble Mike. Thanks for coming on. Thanks for signing up.

There goes Nimble Mike, everybody. Thank you so much for having me. Nimble, take one of these. Can you catch? There he goes. Nimble Mike, everyone. All the way from Honolulu, Hawaii, here to sign up for Kill Tony. Are you guys having fun yet?

All right. Wow. This is a fucking super special treat. This man is here. You know him. I think I saw him earlier. I was going to get him up here anyway. I can't believe I pulled his fucking name out of the bucket.

A brand new legend in the making on this show. Make some noise for Austin's own. Uncle Laser. Oh my God. Let's fucking go. He's playing to the camera. He's playing to the camera, folks. He must have been deep in a mushroom.

I'm glad you called me early. Listen, whoever said that money don't buy happiness is a fucking idiot. See, I got 99 problems. Money could solve damn near all of them. Wearing a condom could probably solve the rest of them. Or abortion, who knows. Now, but listen. I grew up poor, like dirt for poor, right?

Like y'all got running water inside type poor. Like I got a shit outside type poor. I don't know white privilege. It might be running water in a bathroom. That'd be great. But look, I was so goddamn poor that when we got a TV in my house, I was 12 years old. It was a black and white TV. And I thought the Simpsons were black my entire life.

Homer's got big lips. Marge's got a big fucking afro. But when I turned 19, I got a color TV for graduating from high school. And I noticed, no, they're not black. They're actually Asian because they're fucking yellow. Uncle fucking Laser. That's a great joke, man. I actually ripped one down for once.

I ripped one down. Son of a bitch. Now my mom proofread it. It's a step in the forehead with a mic. You are just a fucking pro wrestler in and out. I love your fucking energy, man. I know, it's incredible. Where do you think you get that from?

What is it? Is that like Mountain Dew? Is it crystal meth? Like what exactly are you made of? I get the pumpkin spice latte. Add to Starbucks with three Adderalls. Top them off down the hatch. Here we go.

Here we go. Yeah. A little fucking... The old welcome to Austin beverage right there. How old are you, Uncle Laser? I've had to bend. Jesus Christ. No, no, no, no.

I'm 32, man. Just enough to know, but dumb enough to not give a shit. So with 32... See, because I thought... I'm sorry, guys. He has, like, these catchphrases for everything. You can ask him anything and he'll have, like, a well... Okay.

It's a very compelling... It's a compelling story to black and white TV. Yeah. I took it as real, but if he's 32... Now, we were poor, though. Real poor. You have to be rich to hunt down a black and white TV as young as you are.

Kurt's doing the math over here. I think Uncle Laser's a street hustler trying to hustle me. Son of a bitch. You got Kurt Metzger doing the fucking math on your joke, so... I think I'll deal with the laser. Relax. It's a joke. Good. Relax. Next time you better say you're 45, Uncle Laser. How the fuck?

There's no one in the audience that's going to be like, no fucking way. We got a laser the cable guy on our hands. That's an antique. It cost extra. I'm telling you, Uncle Laser is the real deal. It's a great story. When I first saw Uncle Laser, I'm going to be honest. When I first saw Uncle Laser, he pulled out of the bucket.

I'm like, I honestly, because I lived in L.A. for fucking 15 years of my life at the comedy store every fucking week, I thought this guy's, like, a rip-off of, like... Larry the cable guy but fuckable. Yeah. That's... Yeah.

I was thinking Ellen in the 80s. That sounds like an only thing. Yeah. Redband. From the back fucking porch, Redband. Let's go, baby. It's sound effect. Hit the jackpot for yourself there. There you go.

That's what... You get to hit that button every time you... Uncle fucking Laser, the real deal. And the more I hang out with you, the more I realize, like, everything else is just a rip-off of you. Yeah. No, everybody wants to be me, but you can't have this hair, dude. No.

You can't have this. It's special. My mom did this in the garage. What's in the garage that she would do that? What do you have to do to do that? You have to, like, leave the car running with the door closed for a few minutes or something? How does that even...

Motor oil. Motor oil. Oh, my God. You're like a... This is like a white trash lannister or something like that. This is incredible. You're like a golden fucking... Raise, hail, praise, dale.

I don't even see... That's another one right there. The House of Laser. The House of Laser. Yeah. Now, tell us about your family, Uncle Laser. What do they do? What types of things?

What kind of rocks are they out there kicking? I mean, listen. I didn't tell you. My mama graduated from the Frito-Lay. She retired a couple years ago. Yeah? Uncle Laser. Graduated from the Frito-Lay.

33 years. Straight hard, man. You'll labor. Right. Picking them chips out that machine. That's right. Yeah. That's right.

She worked directly with Fritos and chips. Directly with Doritos. Wow. Directly with Doritos. All the way. Oh, my goodness. You're welcome. Was there any specific kind of Doritos that she worked with?

Were there traces of the Doritos at home? Cool ranch. Oh, my goodness. So you had little blue, light blue, salty... Why do you think my eyes are so pretty? Wow. That is incredible. There it is.

Uncle Laser firing off the high beams. I fucking love it. I probably get mesothelioma from inhaling that dust. Asbestos. Yeah. Shipyards. Yeah. Yeah.

Tony, can I do a little musical appearance? You want to do some musical appearance? Yeah. Because I see you invite some guests up here and they do a little musical appearance, right? Yeah. Is that okay? You can do whatever the fuck you want.

Can I steal the thunder real quick? Listen, I carry these harmonicas around in my pocket for when life gets me blue. And I'd like to play a little blues, dude, boy. Boys, I'm going to be playing in the key of A if you could skin an E very beneficial. Oh, my goodness. Put the mic stand behind you, buddy.

He only plays the notes that cannot be found on his report card. E is for excellence. Chill, dude. I might not have this key, so hold on. Oh, shit. Check it. I mean, I just...

An old blues tune, something. Fuck it, right, boys? Let's make love, not babies. Got a hot ready little woman. She's staying hot and ready all the time. Oh, I got a hot and ready little woman, little mama. She's staying hot and ready all the time. You see, I won't eat a steak and I won't eat a fries,

but I will put my face right between her thighs. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Wow. Oh, my God. This motherfucker pulled a goddamn harmonica out of a gun case. Didn't even warn us that you were going to do a line there out of nowhere. Oh, shit.

I said do a line. He got excited. Literally, it was like, did he see me in the bathroom? Did he see me in the bathroom? He followed me to the bathroom. I couldn't help it. If it's okay with you, sir, if you're available Thursday, I would love to have you on The Secret Show.

Wow. Hold on, hold on. Now, listen, Red Band, you brought me along on Thursday shows, but your baby bull is growing and he's spreading his legs. I'm actually going golfing with, I think, Kevin O'Leary from Shark Tank in North Carolina on Thursday. He can't make it to your show, you homo. But next Thursday, I'm there, baby, next Thursday.

What are you doing for New Year's Eve? Well, I'm going to fuck with you, Tony, I guess. I'm doing a stand-up comedy show here. You invited me? At the Balkan Gas Company. You want to do a spot on my show, New Year's Eve? Oh. It's a big one.

We made it, mama. It's a big one. We made it, mama. Yes, sir, I'll be there. It's a big one. We're all going to get dressed up and have fun. All right, great. Uncle Laser, you're a fucking legend.

Kurt, anything else for Uncle Laser? Well, I can imagine. I thought he was going to say he was busy going to Cape Fear someone who's going to terrorize Nick Nolte's family for not. I can envision a whole show of Uncle Laser, by the way. If I weren't, you know, blackballed from this industry, but Uncle Laser is going to be the future. I agree.

I agree. This is it. This is the real fucking deal. You know what it is? Yeah, the laser noise really sold me. How long can this place get? One more time for the great Uncle Laser, everybody. Thank you guys so much.

Love you guys. Oh my goodness. Wow. Hell yeah. The one, the only, my favorite uncle that I've ever had, Uncle Laser. He's a one man NFT, dude. Huh?

That was beautiful. All right. Let's do something fun here. Let's go to this bucket one more time before bringing up another regular. Let's see what's going to happen here. Some noise for Sergio Guzman. Do you believe it's going to be his first time on Kill Tony? Sergio Guzman.

Here comes Sergio, everybody. One more time for Sergio Guzman, everyone. Now how the fuck do I follow that? All right. Any immigrants in the house? Whoo. Any illegal immigrants in the house? Whoo.

Oh, who booed? Jesus Christ. I agree. I agree. Hold on. Let me pull out my jokes here. I'm actually currently filling out job applications and they keep asking me if I'm Latinx. What the fuck does that even mean?

It's kind of where I left that one. All right. Two people that are way more alike the more you think about it. Hope and Jeffrey Epstein. Let me see, okay. Approximately how many years of marriage before I have to stop asking my wife for consent? Fair question, I think. Fair question.

I once got called the N-word in Amsterdam while tripping on mushrooms. As you can see, I'm not black. Either way, it was a very empowering moment. And that's all. Sergio Guzman. Holy fucking shit. Relax, Sergio. I'm trying my best, Tony.

Okay, all right. What's going on? How many times have you done stand-up comedies? This is my very first time. Okay, thank God. Very good. Holy shit. Well, I was struggling, man.

Kurt, it's first time ever doing stand-up. What do you think about this? I'll tell you something. I think we just found a great Mexican sidekick for the new show, Uncle Laser Bounty Hunter. That's fucking funny. Absolutely. Sergio can sit there and the shotgun and write little things on his piece of paper. Dude, I wrote that like two seconds ago.

I can't believe you pulled my name. No, we believed that you wrote that two seconds ago. It was literally nothing. It was something about illegal immigrants and then you said that you agree, even though your name is Sergio Guzman. Wait, what did I say? I blacked out. It all happened so fast.

I think you browned out. I'm not exactly sure if blacking out is what happened. Sergio, let's talk about it. What made you want to do this today? How old are you? I'm 30. 30. And today I was sitting at home scrolling through Reddit and somebody was like,

hey, selling tickets to the Kill Tony show. And I was like, shit, let me throw him some money. I threw him some money and now here I am. Wow. And I didn't get scammed. I thought it was a scam up until the moment they scanned my ticket. Honestly, you were telling me the story and you're here. And I still thought you got scammed.

I can't believe it. I might have. You got randomly fucking tickets. He got a Kill Tony coyote brought him into. Yeah. Yeah. Suspicious, suspicious. Sergio, what do you do for work?

I work in video production for major music videos and commercials. Okay. Major. Yeah. How long have you been doing that for? It's about a year and a half now. What do you do for fun? For fun?

Shit like this. I know for random comedy shows with my wife, do illegal mushrooms and walk around the city. Hold on a second. What the fuck are illegal mushrooms? The type that you go up to a guy and you're just like, hey man, you got some mushrooms and he's like, I think so. And he hands you something. You give him some money and next thing you know, you're fucking tripping balls.

What are you, a narc? What is this? I don't know. It's very tricky. Hey, anybody else want to do some illegal mushrooms tonight? Does anybody else have any illegal substances, perhaps a felony grade? Oh my God. He's got 48 hours to bring Uncle Lazer in.

But first they got to find that money and get his car back. He did start his set by saying who's illegal here in the audience. And if you look at him with a cop outfit, definitely a cop. You guys might be on to something. You guys might be on to something. Just been up to some illegal substances. Very interesting. You say you and your wife go to shows.

Is she here tonight? Yes, she is. Did she sign up? She did. No way. Has she ever done stand-up comedy before? She's never done it. She has 60 seconds prepared?

Are you sure? Or prepared like you? Or prepared like you prepared? She was way more prepared than me. What's her name? Patricia. You guys want to see Patricia's first time. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted.

For Patricia, the newly famous Sergio Guzman's wife. Here she is, everybody. Come on. Hi. Thank you so much, baby. Jesus, we're getting us here. I've been with my husband for 11 years and he's never cheated on me. I'm starting to wonder if he's gay.

I enjoy smelling my husband's sweaty balls. Parmesan cheese. I've been told I'm weird, but in a good way. The fuck does that mean? I've accidentally murdered multiple pets, but it was an accident, so you can't call me a serial killer. A lot of women come up here with pussy jokes. Here's mine.

My husband's a pussy. I call myself retarded, but my husband calls me retarded, but when I call myself retarded, he gets offended. I said it so much, my university gave me disability. I'm not Mexican, but I swam here from Cuba, so I guess you can call me a wetback. Wow. Patricia Guzman.

Amazing. That was absolutely incredible. What the fuck are you still doing with this guy? I mean, we've had people get engaged on this show, but I do believe that is the first time I've witnessed a divorce happening in the history of Kiltoni's Sergio. You just got bodied by your own wife of 11 years. Absolutely incredible.

They look like a couple that would run a food truck together for the last 12 years. That's what's sad about this. You guys have legit, we are in tight quarters chemistry. How big is the place that you guys live in? Patricia, let's stick with you since you're the one with a sense of humor in the couple. You just hold on to that microphone real tight.

Don't let Sergio touch it. Holy shit, I can't believe I'm here. Where are the illegal substances? We've already talked to Sergio. We get Sergio. It's your interview now, Patricia. We live in Houston, in an apartment. Yeah. How small is this apartment?

This is what I was suspicious. Two bedroom. Each of them. One for Sergio and Patricia and one for Sergio's boyfriend who sleeps over sometimes. A big, luscious apartment. Now, you really threw him under the bus many times in a mere 60 seconds.

Do you think Sergio might be a little bit gay? Sometimes. Okay. All right. What are some of the gayer things? How many of you want to know the gayer things about Sergio? I'm watching all these guys and couples are looking at the girl that they brought here. Like, you wouldn't do this to me.

Would you if this happened? What are some of the gayer things about Sergio? Does he ever pin a picture of Justin Bieber to your back? No, no, not that. That's usually a sign. Does he draw a beard on you with a sharpie? Hold on, hold on. Let her answer some of these. He likes to eat my butt a lot.

Whoa! Look at that! The old fucking, the old fucking... Well, does Hans seem gay? He loves to eat ass. No, no, no. That is incredible. We're finding out a lot about Sergio right now. He's like some very ethnic homophobia to me, Tony.

Paul Deemer giving the official sound of eating ass, everybody. We didn't even know that existed. That is a low note, folks. That's as low as it goes. The official sound of eating ass. What do you call that note? It's called a pedal tone. Pedal tone, absolutely.

And it doesn't go against my fartboard. Pedal to the metal. So we're finding out Sergio doesn't mind having the little fucking Cuban... But I mean, is it just asshole and nothing else? Because then that would be... Oh, wow, he ignores the fucking... Wow, that is incredible.

Sergio might actually be gay. I was kidding at first, but now it's getting a little bit... Look, okay, I don't even want to get this personal, but these are strong accusations that Sergio only likes butthole. It is true. Let me ask you this, Sergio. Are you sure you're hygienic? Sergio, I have a question for you. Since it's a Cuban butthole you're eating,

have you ever put mustard and a pickle on it beforehand? You're a fucking genius. Sergio, what is this ass-eating obsession of yours? What is it? Well, really, it's a vacation thing. We're on vacation now, so she might get lucky, but I get on vacation and she spreads it wide open and something about it, just want to taste it.

Wow. Oh, there it is. I love this. Oh, my goodness. That's why they call it a Catholic vagina. That is incredible. Now, does she ever return the favor and... Oh, good question.

It's kind of a forest down there, so I wouldn't recommend it for her. Hold on. Let's ask Patricia. Patricia, how do you please a guy like Sergio? What exactly is your trick? He's eating your ass, but what's your special move? Just myself. Wow, look at that. Absolutely. We just found out Sergio is a premature ejaculator.

That's all that it takes. Just myself. What the fuck? Oh, wait a second. I don't know if you guys heard it. The official sound of premature ejaculation. Paul motherfucking Beamer. I had no idea the trombone was that versatile. It's unbelievable.

These Austin guys have their fucking shit down. Speaking of having their shit down, Patricia, what's your secret of having an edible ass all the time? Do you have any special tricks? Do you have any sprays? You don't wipe your ass? Very good. Thank you, Red Band, for your great contribution. I do believe it was the great Shakespeare

that once said the words, do you not wipe your ass? Thank you. Very good. Make him laugh. What are the secrets of this addicting, edible ass of yours? Just keep it clean and shaved. There you go. Absolutely. Can you do that with some type of lawn mower or something?

Can I tell you, I'm seeing a great opening here. We open on Sergio, Patricia. They've been in business with their food truck for quite some time in the Austin area. Yep. You can only order through the back door, though. That's their food truck. That's right. It's starting. Their marriage is kind of getting on the rocks.

Okay? That's when Uncle Laser comes in road trip with Sergio. He goes on a whole character arc and becomes a man. And then makes her eat his ass. Hell, yeah. So she can respect him again. Yep. He's getting late. He's getting uncle and she's getting laser after the show.

Yeah. Like, I could see Uncle Laser like Highway to Heaven, like Michael Laser helping couples. I don't understand any of your 80s references. Is that another one? Michael Landon? You don't know Michael Landon? What's wrong with you?

I'm 38. Oh, I thought you were older, sorry. I was as an insult. I thought you were a nipple jet. No, I've never flown the kites of nipple Mike. Patricia, Sergio, I love it when shit like this happens. You guys are one of those fucking magical, very interesting couples.

I love your energy. I love your fearlessness. You guys look like you're having fun. And that's what it's all fucking about. Make some noise for Sergio Guzman and Patricia Guzman. I'm going to give you guys each a big joke book, because I like you so much. There you go. Enjoy it. How about one more time for the happy couple there?

All right. You guys want to do something special right now, huh? One of our regulars just got back from a long week headlining the great country of Canada to the north. He's back to his home in Austin, Texas, one of the great writers, comedians, and roasters, the one and only David Lucas, everybody. Everybody.

Yeah. I like fat bitches. I think the reason I like fat bitches is because I like big ass titties. Like, I like my areolas to look like McDonald's sausage patties. Yeah. Like, damn, bitch, I want some scrambled eggs now. But I like fat girl pussy, though,

because fat girl pussy be like 40 degrees hotter than other girls pussy. It's like, shit, bitch, bring me that little easy-bake oven. Fuck you, man. You can't even wear a condom with a fat girl because they'll melt that shit off, isn't it? Bitch, I gotta fuck you raw. Don't you hate when a fat girl tell you no? It's like, bitch, what you mean no?

You're 380 pounds. No should not be in your vocabulary. I bet if I put ketchup on my dick, you'll suck it, bitch. Alright, man, thank y'all, yeah. The great David Lucas. Yeah. Strong as shit, as always. Fresh back from fucking Canada.

I love it. Love to see it. Hey, this nigga look like Ari Shafir Daddy. Are you Shafir Daddy? Hell, yeah, he got you. That motherfucker look like an Iranian version of George Jefferson. Top of his head look like a scream door nigga. Jesus Christ. I was about to compliment the science on the 40 degrees hotter of fat girl pussy.

I appreciate it, bro. Well, it's just the pressure. It sounds like a lot, 40 degrees, but that's about right. You drank white claw, I don't trust you. I'm being white clawed. That is incredible. What the fuck, are you a 19 year old white bitch? What the fuck?

I don't think 19 year old white bitches are out here doing Michael Landage. I can't believe it. Y'all never heard about Jesus Christ, nigga. The disciples, nigga. God damn. My goodness. David Lucas coming in fucking hot and fresh, ready to go. New hat fucking clearance stickers still stuck to the top of that fucking thing.

Coming in here two shades of brown looking like a fucking caramel fudge sundae or some shit like that. Tony, you dressed like a homosexual shoemaker. I'd imagine you would know what shoemakers look like. Your ass make Harry Tubman boots, nigga. The part as Paul Revere's. The British are coming. That's a porno in Tony's world. Oh my goodness.

Hey, that's actually true. I love it. Hey, Tony, it was such a good job you did two weeks ago stopping that shooter at that gay club in Denver. Well, yeah. They said two Lesbians at a transsexual took him down. It was a good job. I want to give you your flowers while I'm here, nigga.

I was two of the three of the people that brought him down. This is absolutely true. I love it. And I'm sorry to hear about last week the fire at the car garage. You're Jay Leno, right? Come on. Jay Leno is in a fire. My chin ain't that big, nigga.

Your chins? That's right. David's favorite rapper is two chins. And he's got him a few on. This is incredible, David Lucas. What size shirt is that? What would they call that? Is that a fucking car cover or something like that?

Is that something you put on a fucking... Tony, you got on a six-watt, nigga. Shut your ass up, nigga. That nigga shop is Zara for kids. You dress like that baby on that Balenciaga ad, nigga. Oh. How dare you. You son of a bitch.

They were like, baby, shouldn't know about buns. Hey, this nigga's 38. What the fuck is going on, man? This nigga's grown as hell, man. Tony's so gay and white, Madonna want to adopt him. Oh, my goodness. Look at you piling on like you're at a buffet right now. This is incredible.

This is absolutely incredible. Let Kurt Meskert talk. It looked like Wolverine's daddy wanted to say something. I just want to say... I just really respect your work as that lesbian on the wire. This nigga look like Saddam Hussein's right-hand man. That is fair, I do look like that. You know how to smell atomic missile in three languages, nigga.

Is that a compliment? What's your ethnicity? Tony looks like he cobbles dildos for a living. Let's go. I've made every dildo joke in the world against that, nigga. Yeah, we've dildoed everything that there is to dildo in the dildo territory. I can't think of another dildo joke with Tony, bro.

Where were you in Canada? Winnipeg. Oh, because I always think... Oh, you from Winnipeg? Oh, shit. Huh? What happened? Oh, my God. What the fuck is that?

Holy shit. Right when you think Kurt's the only one drinking white claw here tonight, this chick chimes up out of nowhere. Winnipeg, it's so bad there. The fuck? You've never been to Canada, lady. Get the hell out of here. Kind of girl with an accent. I don't even like Canada.

No shit. What kind of accent is that? Oh, that's what I thought. Okay. Columbia. Oh, my God. Oh, God. I didn't realize Columbia had their own Fran Drescher.

Your voice is fucking horrendous. But they do make good nannies, so it kind of makes sense. Anyway. Hey, Tony, you ain't going to LA next week for a roast. You're going for a BBL, nigga. Don't be out here fooling people. You're trying to get a BBL, nigga. What the fuck's a BBL?

A Brazilian booty lift, nigga. What? What? Tony won't like 0.360. He's like, I'm gonna be a bad bitch. I'll be stuntin' on these hoes. What'd you say? 0.360, what is that?

0.360. Say your weight? Oh, my God. Jiminy fucks. Tony, your little fucking teenage body ass, you still go to the pediatrician, nigga. David thinks the pediatrician's a foot doctor, everyone. That's the funniest part.

And you're going to have to when that diabetes kicks in. That fucking... That foot's going to turn so green, it's going to blend in with your camo pants. Perfect, like... Tony, when your boyfriend reached 45, he's going to finally be able to use your promo code for Bluetooth, nigga.

Same 20% off with promo code, kill Tony. Unfucking unbelievable. Just order it, honey. I love it. David, you're fucking unbelievable. So much fun every single week. He's out there, killin' it. We're goin' everywhere.

We're doin' everything. What else? If you are in Tampa, Florida, December, I think the 16th or 17th, grab them tickets. Hell, yeah. There's only like 40 more left on the early show. Where did they go? David Lucas.

DavidLucasComedy.com, grab them tickets, man. DavidLucasComedy.com, you heard the man. There he goes, David Lucas, everybody. The great, the powerful. Back to the bucket we go. We still havin' fun out there, you guys good? Let's keep this fun train moving along smoothly. Wait, will the other contestants be attacking me?

No, no, not like that, at least. I'd be surprised. Christopher Ian Seven. I'd be surprised. Christopher Ian Sellers. Or Solero or Solera. Christopher Ian.

There he comes. Christopher Ian Solera. It is interesting being gay and Asian to come out of COVID just to dive right into Monkey Box. Now, I didn't listen to the COVID lockdowns on the first issue. So, as a consequence of my actions, I, a part Chinese guy, cut the woof-loop

from a white boy. Easily the worst in the reverse carplay in history. But, that wasn't the dumbest thing I'd seen during the run-up. So, during a monthly gay sex orgy, because we gays aren't stopped from the spread anytime soon, there was two light-skinned Latinos, I have no idea why that's an important detail I'd like to add, who rolled up with blue surgical face masks

and participated in the man-on-man action. But, the dumbest thing I've seen beyond that is when the Monkey Box verse came out and all these other alphabet people, they were chanting or protesting about its new AIDS crisis. The government's killing us. Look, sis.

We should ask why, well, where's the vaccines? Ask yourselves, where's accountability? That's on you, dick-a-chew. Chris Stoffer, Ian, Celera, am I saying that right? Oh, uh, negative. You can just say Chris.

Chris. Yes, sir. Chris what? Oh, Celera. Chris Celera. Okay, very good. Why'd you sign up with that different name? Oh, uh, I didn't think I would actually get picked.

So, I just thought for fun. Normally Asians are very lucky at lotteries. Oh, yeah. But, see? You thought the gay thing, maybe Jesus had a hand in it or something and then balanced it out? I mean, there's a lot of balancing

than, you know, COVID-19. I don't want COVID-20, so, you know, got pick and choose. Right, COVID-19's a little bit old for you, you know, and I'm saying you like COVID-17, I would bet. Okay, Chris, let's talk about it. You're gay, you're Asian,

and you look like Pete Davidson somehow. That's incredible. I didn't realize that Pete Davidson's always just looked like a gay Asian. That is incredible. Wait, was that your first time on stage? First time here? Yes, but before the Rona,

I have been on stage before, but it's been on about five, six years for comedy. I mean, you... Well... Wait, what did everybody grown at? He's been doing stand-up five or six years? Is that what I miss? I mean, I did raise my awareness.

I guess. What? About monkeypox? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Is that really going around your community? Have you been near that at all? Not since I've been a gay.

I'm talking about the gay thing, not the Asian thing. Oh, the gay thing. We know you guys don't ever have anything to do with the start of the spread of any disease whatsoever. Thank you. Yeah. Still on YouTube.

No, for real, there were... We had monthly gay sex orgies, and, like, during the lockdowns. Great, and what is the exact address and time of these orgies? Serious notes I have to take. So, it will be on Briarcliff Avenue. No, no, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

He's not kidding, he's not kidding. I'm just kidding. Totally don't say the number of the address. I mean, there's, like, probably three kinds of vice cops getting graded for. Yeah. Yeah. There's ice and...

Oh, right, forget it. Chris, let's talk about it. Where are you from? I was born in the Philippines, but I grew up here most of my life. All right, now you're getting Europeans filled. Okay. And what do your Filipino parents think about you being gay?

They're very, very, very Catholic over there, right? Oh, they're extremely Catholic, but that's the thing, my father, he actually didn't give a shit. My mother prayed for me a lot. Right. But now she sees that I'm the only hope for grandkids, so now she's back to liking me again.

Oh, because you're gonna have, you and your engaged, you and your partner planning on having kids? Oh, yes. Oh, wow, you say that like you're about to be like John and John Plus 8 or whatever the fuck. Well, not immediately.

We're gonna wait till it finishes grad school first. Oh, my goodness. And then have you already shopped out the necessary woman for this roller? What's your plan? You're gonna... I'm gonna try to get with that one dude earlier. He was looking for those illegals.

Maybe I can work a deal with him. No, I think you need a woman. How do you make a baby? Where are you guys getting your babies from? Well, it's not for the lack of trying. You're gonna go to the pound or whatever? How does this work? And now,

definitely we're gonna rent a womb from a surrogate, but this is like all far in the future. All very far in the future. Okay. But you're planning on having a lot of kids? You know, threes are a respectable number. Okay.

All right. What do you do for work? All right. So I do overtime at Tesla. I also do a shift at unbar on rainy. I also work at a bull and bull by six. I do remote work for the Mason law firm. Holy shit.

You are Asian. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Jesus Christ. Incredible. Cause, and I could also tell he's gay because When do you have time for orgies between all those jobs? Oh, I have a set schedule.

Do you even want to see my Google calendar later? It also has the addresses too. What? Also what? Oh, if you want to see my Google calendar as far as schedule and going, and there's also the addresses. Okay. Okay.

Very good. I get it. Call back. Chris, what do you do for fun? How do you have any time? You work so much. I need to sleep for four hours because I'm bipolar, but when I am,

Wow. That kind of buy as well. Incredible. Oh, no. Like, Digmatize. Like, Sorry ladies,

I know I like, I'm not going back, but the, I want you for fun. I enjoy swing dancing, comedy, poetry, horseback riding,

kayaking, Wow. photography. Oh, my God. This is incredible. My God. There are lasers up there loading a gun. This is shocking.

Do you think maybe that you're gay because you don't have time for a woman? No one has time for that, honestly. Right. Right. And when did you, have you ever been with a woman before? You ever try it out? Negative.

Not at all. Never. When was the first time you hooked up with a boy? When I was in the Marine Corps. That was, Oh, wow. Look at you. Thank you for your service.

And the story, the life story, this is like fucking gay Asian forest gump right here. We are finding out more and more every second, this guy likes ping pong and ding dong. You know what I'm saying? He fucking likes it in his bubblegump and his fucking bubble hump. You know what I'm saying?

This guy fucking, sex is, his sheets are like a box of chocolates. You should use all this, because I, I'll never have a gage and forest gump up here again. I've been doing this show almost 10 years, I haven't gotten to do that,

sheets is like a box of chocolates. Holy shit. I broke Kurt, which is an unbelievable honor. This is a great moment in history, that I got to hear that. This is a great moment in history, that I got to hear that.

This is a great moment in history, you got to hear that. I was pretty proud of it myself just now, that's incredible. It really is. Have you ever thought of yourself as a gage and forest gump before? Sometimes I've been a bit retarded my exes, so I get it.

Mama always said, when you get your life figured out, call me back. I love it. Chris, you have a great sense of humor, what's your partner do? He is a grad, well he's going to be a graduate soon,

right now he's finishing up his last semester in psychology. Okay, is he Asian as well? Oh no, he's Turkish, he's white adjacent. White adjacent? He's Turkish? I mean, he calls himself white, but you know,

it's a little bit off-white, when you take a good look closely. I think in Turkey, you're white if you're the one pitching. Oh, we haven't done that yet, we're waiting for marriage. Wow. Well, he's waiting.

Wait, wait, wait, are you serious? No, yeah, he's a virgin, and you know, that's really sweet, so I'm trying to dehoify myself. Holy shit, is this true? You're waiting for marriage? I didn't realize gay guys did that at all. I thought that was an entirely straight thing.

I thought it was the opposite. I thought you guys butt fuck, and then like meet each other. What? I've had this backwards the whole time. Yeah, put in the cups. So you literally didn't get to stuff a turkey this Thanksgiving?

This is incredible. Wait a minute, hold on. Is the guy's name Sergio, when he has a wife named Patricia? I don't think he's Turkish. Oh, shit. Wow, do you do anything? Do you do anything?

Now this. Unbelievable. Do you do anything with your partner? I mean, like, I know, you know, people that haven't had sex that you were like rubbing on the outside or anything like that. Yeah, I mean, it's very interesting.

Like, I don't know what is gay third base. Do you guys know which way to even run after you hit a baseball? Yeah, he's a really sweet guy, so we just, you know, hold hands. I kiss him goodnight, take him out to dinner. Holy shit. So you guys don't even know mouth stuff.

Oh, no, no, like, I remember the first time I kissed him, so. D-Madness is homophobic as it gets. We are finding this out live, in person. I've never seen him plug his ears that hard. I literally just saw the tips of his index fingers come through his eye holes. Because you know what?

We are finding out D-Madness likes because none of the he-madness. By the way, is what's bothering you is like the romance of it? Yeah, it really is. I've never seen him this offended, and it's like... No, it's not like... When he said that he kisses him to sleep,

he's like, give me the fuck out of here. Listen, I'm watching. It's the love that's what gets to you. No, it's not like this. No? Welcome to another... Welcome to a new segment called Straight Homophobia with our host D-Madness,

our senior... John Dees is laughing so hard right now that it makes it double true. Is it considered phobia if you grab your ears and scream? Oh, my God. The main man going on the wrong jet. Oh, my God. Too much fun. Chris, I fucking love your style.

Thank you so much for signing up. Great fucking interview. I don't remember how the set was, but I'm giving you a big jokebook. Thank you so much. Gay and Asian. He just bowed. Which is a little bit of both. Should we do one more out of this bucket, huh?

Eh, we had one out there. Make some noise for Zito. One word, Zito. With a Z. Zito. They're coming. It's gonna be a while. I guess they're coming from that way.

It's a big building. 350 people every week. Every show is sold out here in Austin. How cool is that, huh? Here he is, the long walk from the second floor. Zito, everybody. I just got to say, I'm glad it was Sergio following Uncle Laser because he's used to eating ass.

How many of you all like getting Brazilian waxed? All right, two of you. How many of you all like it when your partner gets Brazilian waxed? Yeah, you selfish pricks. All about you. So, the other day, curious, I'm scrolling the internet like you do at 2 a.m. when you're bored.

I was looking at ways to make your dick bigger, right? Like most boys do. Found an article that said, how to double the size of your dick. Instant click. Clicked it, scrolled through all the ads about my neighbor who wants to have sex with me. Whatever.

Found where the article was talking about how to do it and said, get a wax. And I was like, great, like who wouldn't pay $80 to gain two inches? Like that's a no-brainer. That's what I got. Oh, shit. Damn.

That's a good hour title. That's what I got. Zito, welcome to the show. This is your first time. I'd remember you if you've been on this show before. No, never. Right. Do you wax?

Do you Brazilian wax? I've done it a couple times. Yeah, quite. I don't know. I can't explain that one. Zito, what ethnicity are you? What exactly is going on? I have no idea what the fuck's happening here.

You look like a Mexican that's pale and has got hit by a tornado and a car accident. Do you have a matching goatee on your dick and pulse? No, so actually I passed on the butthole wax, so I went for the taint, mullet. Okay, let's get away from the set that didn't work for a second here. Zito, stick with me.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? So virgin to comedy. Okay, a virgin, like that was your first time or a virgin like the last comedian's boyfriend? No, first time. Okay, so that was your first time. Okay, and how long have you been planning on doing something like this?

So I've watched your show for a year. I was drinking at a speakeasy this weekend and I was telling this story about getting waxed and they said, that's a stand-up bit. And I said, finally I have a minute. I've had these seats for four months. So you just took the advice of somebody randomly drunk at a bar that's like, the...

You got pranked, dude. Yeah, it was a great idea, right? Yeah. Was it your idea for that to be your minute? No, god no. Someone else pointed out to you that they thought under the influence of many drinks that that was funny. Yeah, great advice.

How do you feel like it went? I mean, yeah, it was... What do you do for work, Zito? So I'm currently in finance. Finance, okay. You got American Psycho Balls. What do you do for fun? Well, disc golf is one of the...

What else? I enjoy it. Jesus Christ. What's disc golf? No, it's pretty lame, right? You disc golf, I spend time with a girlfriend and... So you have a girlfriend? Yes, I do.

Okay, how long have you been with her? Eight months. What does she do? She's got three jobs. So she's a paid intern for a unnamed college. Works in marketing. She's got a job where she bartends for a catering company. Okay, you live with her?

You live by yourself? I live by myself. One bedroom apartment? Five bedroom house. Five bedroom house. How many roommates? One. Just one?

Yeah. What do you do with all the extra rooms? I have a poker room. I have a personal office. I have a guest bedroom. And then the... Wait. So when I asked you what you do for fun, and you said disc golf, and then said disc golf,

and then disc golf, and then nothing, I'm bored. Yeah, yeah. No, I was nervous and I panicked. Yeah. But you have an entire room built for poker in your house. Correct. I do enjoy poker on the side, but I was too nervous to remember that. Does she wax her balls?

Okay. On every day that ends with why? No, I don't know. Very good. Very good Zito. So you have this big house. You have this girl. Yes.

What's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? God, expired guacamole. I don't know what the weirdest thing. Some obscure off-brand, like, you know, you go to HEB and you buy cheese. Think about it. Think about it for a second. All right. So, I mean, weird weird?

Picture your refrigerator. Yeah, no, nothing weird. I've got, like, the sauce that you don't know what the brand is. Like, you go to HEB, you buy cheese and you get five free things. Everything in there that I'd never used. But I got the cheese and I got five free things, because I felt like it was a good deal. God.

What the fuck? Jesus Christ. What the fuck, Zito? Would you ever have come here if the one guy at the speakeasy that you were at didn't say, like, were you like... No, unfortunately, yeah, I just would have been probably worse. But I had nothing. Okay.

What's some other most exciting thing that you've done recently? You seem like a real risk taker. You were willing to come here and do that minute on the show. Yeah. Yeah. So what else? You know, adventure fear is something that I have lacked. It's always been fun.

I just, I left car sales and it was one of those things where... What kind of cars were you selling back then? Fords for three or four and then Cadillacs for two. Okay. Sell us a Cadillac right now. They sell themselves. What's the problem? I see why you got out of that business.

Jesus Christ. Right. I'm looking at the owner of a Porsche dealership right now just giving me the hard head shake. Give me three seconds. I was, I live in San Antonio. Tony, I forgot there's more than just discos. Right. You're right.

You're right. No, I was in San Antonio and our Cadillac dealership was right next to an Air Force base and there was a lot of ethnicity that came to our dealership. I mean, who the fuck are you to say anything about ethnicity? Well, I'm... What are you, Zito? And the last guy had a lot better history. After the first question, I'm 25% Italian and the rest of me is a mutt.

Just a lot of everything. I don't know. And I think Mama lied to you, dude. Probably right. You're probably right. Zito, I don't know what the fuck to say or do about a guy like you. We've had an episode with a lot of very, very actual like characters that should sign up for a show like this.

And then there's, and then there's you really showing like what a viewer of a year that just has a half a fucking, not even a story. But we got that. I feel down now. Like only one way to get up. Any other funny moments from your life or anything that you think are funny, not that a drunk guy had a speakeasy that's drunk enough to be drinking with you thinks it's funny? Yeah.

No, I've had, I've had like minutes that I thought I would like make work for this. But like what about a premise? Like just like instead of... A premise? Yeah. Like what's something else that you think might be funny about you? The first minute that I had prepared for here was... Again, you don't have to do the minute.

I just want an idea for the love of God. So go to Kalahari and you see like, because it's like super rich Six Flags and you see like the amount of people, the kids that you see with money. It's just how different the culture is to have somebody that goes to Kalahari. There's a whole premise about like money buying things. It worked in the minute, but explaining it, it felt forced. Did you fucking fail at crypto? And that's what this is.

Is that what this is? A backup plan? Like how porn stars do? You're hanging out with Kevin Leary. My God, this is the plan B of everything. It feels that way. Zito, there you go. Here's a little joke book.

Can you catch? Here he goes, Zito. Very good. There he goes. Zito, everybody. Holy shit. I'm still bothered, Tony, that... You know who will cheer us up?

What? The final regular of the night. The guy who's done more new minutes than anybody ever in the history of the show. He's an absolute monster. The Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, the one and only, William Lights Out Montgomery. Here he is, folks, live in the flesh. The real deal.

First off, a little word to the wise. Do not take those penis pills. Zito was talking about, I took some a couple years ago. My penis shrunk by two inches. And it was already about two inches. And now it's like literally inside my body. It's the work. Don't take the fucking pills.

The World Health Organization is going to rename Monkey Pox because some people find it offensive. The new name is going to be Blowjob Listers. As a soccer fan, I hope Saudi Arabia wins the World Cup. And as a journalist, I hope they don't behead me. And secretly extract my dead body from an embassy. That's what they did, the Saudi Arabians. President Biden just announced that the United States supports climate reparations.

I didn't know the clouds ever had slaves. But seriously, it must have been something to do with the Juneteenth Parade that got rained out. 7,000 child molesters have been released from prisons in California the same year they were convicted. Proving yet again, it only takes 20 minutes depending on traffic or depending on how turned on your uncle is when he's banging your little cousin. Okay, that's my time. Happy Cyber Monday.

Wow. Happy Cyber Monday! Oh shit, he's very excited. He's very excited about Cyber Monday. Hello Cyber Monday! Oh shit. It's my favorite holiday of the year. I love Cyber Monday.

Tell us what you love about Cyber Monday. Oh my god. Oh my gosh, just all the things that I get on the computer. I got these fucking corduroy pants and they turned out a little too short. I feel like a dumbass, but they're so comfortable. I kept them on. Oh my god, they're so short. They're really short.

I didn't even notice until you said that. I tried them on with my cowboy boots. I looked like a fucking pirate. I had to immediately take those off. I would feel... I feel like everything goes with crazy red hair and a beard. What? What? You just wear anything with it.

Yeah, no, he's got very good fashion. Yeah. He's a slice... Cool, thanks so much. Why'd you kind of laugh at that? You kind of scoffed after you said that. Like you were kind of mocking me. It did sound like racism, but I don't have any...

I support your whole thing. I like that you're not... It's a dumbass off the stick. William, you have to stop yelling at the guest. Seriously, it's Cyberfucking Monday, Kurt! You dumbass! You knew it was Cyber Monday! I've still heard from...

What's his name? Dave Attacky? Yeah, David Lucas. Because that's not fair. First of all, look at him. Like, he's got... I can't say nothing to him. You know he's going to be killed by cops

for selling loose cigarettes eventually. That's true. What the fuck was that? No, I didn't really hear that. What the fuck was that? He's talking about David Lucas, William. He's talking about David. So let's talk about this setup.

Oh, because he's black? God. Why did you... I was assuming you were talking about me. No, he was talking about David Lucas. Awkward. That was really racist, Kurt. I couldn't believe.

I assumed that was totally directed towards me. That was directed towards David? Oh, my God. Somebody get this fucking dude out of here. William, you cannot kick the guest off of the show. I've warned you about this before. You've been misbehaving lately. Let's talk more about Cyber Monday.

Let's keep talking about the things that you like to talk about. You got these pants on Cyber Monday, which somehow we're also delivered today, which is super weird. Nobody's talking about that. You ordered them on Cyber Monday. How did you get same-day delivery?

How's this... FedEx. Federal Express. You bought it from Federal Express directly. You cut out the distributor and go straight to the fucking deliveries. Yes. That's actually really smart.

That's actually really smart. Oh, what are you talking about? God, you sounded like an idiot all night, dude. William, stop. Why do you always attack everybody? So angry. It's because of these fucking pants. I swear to God, I paid $900 for these fucking things.

I'm kidding. I've never really noticed how tiny your ankles are until right now. You have these little very constitution... You were there to sign the declaration or something. Very tiny ankles. Yeah. Yeah, I have little ankles, so...

Why do you think you have such little ankles, William? It's dripping too much Capri Suns. Okay. Red Band. I don't know why you do this to yourself. Yeah, I'm not even going to respond to that. No, it's dumb, man. Stick with me over here.

Why do you think, William, over here, why do you think you have tiny ankles? I don't know. I think it's a genetic thing. Did your father... Both my grandmothers had small ankles. I swear to God, it's a genetic thing. I used to break my ankles all the time.

I used to play soccer. That's why I had that soccer joke tonight. I'm a giant soccer fan. I used to play all the time. I used to break my ankles like at least once a year. I was breaking at least one of my ankles. It was... Yeah, it's genetic, though.

Okay. What else have you been doing? Tell us a little bit about your Thanksgiving. What did you do for Thanksgiving, William? Oh, my gosh. Went to Philip and Margarita's house. It was so nice. Our very good friends.

Michelin Star award-winning chefs. Yeah, it was a very delightful lunch. I thought it was very sweet. Red Band read a prayer at the dinner. Yeah, he did, which was very, very interesting. Red Band. That was so weird. Can you recite the poem that he...

Do you remember what he said? Dear Lord, thank you so much for all of us being here today. It is so sweet of you, sweet Lord, for letting us all be here for Thanksgiving. Thank you so much that Sweet Janus is finally with me again today. Lord, you know we've been fighting a lot recently, but sweet Lord, thank you so much. Sweet Janus is sitting beside me right now. Sweet Lord, it is Thanksgiving. Thank you so much.

We are all here. Thank you so much. Janus is talking to me again, sweet. Wow. It was so awkward. Yeah, Janus was right there. I didn't know you had been fighting. Brian, that's beautiful.

Yeah. I figured it would have been different than that. I didn't even notice I was sitting at the same table as all of you. I didn't notice him say grace at all. Well, I just got a volcano vaporizer and I've been high as shit. Oh, shit. The past couple fucking days, I found this wonderful game on PlayStation 2. It's called Hot Shots.

I'm pretty much a professional tennis player right now. Whoa. You're playing tennis and you're hot. On a PlayStation 2. Yeah, that's new. That's incredible. That's good. I thought maybe it was Nintendo Wii.

I was worried you might break an ankle out there. Not on Cyber Monday, Tony. I'm not breaking any ankles tonight. I swear to God, and I'm going to be running outside after this. I still haven't gotten anybody with my new belt I have. I've been hitting people I did in a couple of states over. But I haven't in Texas yet, so I'm going to be doing that tonight. And I have my ankle stuff ready in the car.

So if anybody wants to meet me after, I'll be right out front. Going to get some homeless people tonight. One last time. So you're thinking about ending your Cyber Monday by committing a... I'm never ending Cyber Monday! Yeah, but it's my favorite holiday of the year. I love it. Don't you think it's sort of crazy that when you do that Cyber Monday thing,

the whole band responds immediately like that? How do you do that? Can you explain that? Because I always do stuff on this show, but they don't always do that for me. It's a contract. I didn't want to tell you all this, but... Pluckers, I mentioned Pluckers the other day.

I'm mentioning Pluckers again now. Y'all send me another $100 gift card, please. I mentioned Pluckers one fucking time, but don't eat their chicken wings. I got sick as shit when I ate them. William, I don't think that's how a sponsorship works at all. I'm kidding. I love their chicken wings. I don't think that's how it works.

So they sent you a $100 gift card. You ate some of their chicken wings and you got sick. Sick as shit. Oh my God. On Cyber Monday. Can you describe... Wait, that was also... That was earlier tonight.

I got sick as shit on Cyber Monday. Wow. So I'm guessing the underwear matches the shirt on this one, huh? It does. Filled with shit. There is shit. It's been a very busy Cyber Monday for you. Did you do anything else? What did you do?

I discovered in my shower earlier, I was putting my hands in my butthole. I haven't wiped. It's been like three or four years I discovered if you just got in the shower, it's way faster. I felt some hemorrhoids up in there. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I've been eating.

I've been eating a bunch of chicken noodle soup. Maybe it's that. But yeah, I have hemorrhoids now, Tony. So I don't know... Are you drinking enough water? Huh? Are you drinking enough water? Can you say that a little slower?

I swear to God, I couldn't understand you. William, you've got to stop fucking with the guests. This has been every week. Now he's pounding his white clothes. Was he fucking with me? I thought you just wanted some advice about being hydrated. He used to be so nice to everybody. Now he's always mad at Red Band.

He's mad at the guests always. He never, ever, ever takes a shot at me. Yeah, what would you say to Tony? Like what? Listen. Red Band, I just now... I couldn't even fucking hear what you just said. I heard some little voice.

Okay, Red Band, very good. Listen, if there's blood in your stool, it makes you cranky. I don't think you know who he's going through. Yeah. All right, so there's a couple hours left of Cyber Monday. How do you plan on closing it out? I am going to hit that volcano immediately. I'm going to put on hotshots too.

I'm going to... That thing that you do, that type of screaming thing that makes the band go pop afterwards. Do you ever do that at home? Like when it's just you? Bitch, you better get my water! It's a lot... It's a lot of...

What else? Bitch, you better make that pedal quick! It's a lot of that. It's a lot of get the fucking band up. The band adds a lot to it. It's unbelievable. Really? We love them.

Is the band there? Do you have the band at your place sometimes? Yeah, they come over all the time. They're actually coming over tonight for Cyber Monday. We're having a little party. Oh, shit. Having a little party after the show tonight for Cyber Monday. That's it.

That makes it official. We got to end the show so that the band and William can have their Cyber Monday Super Party. How about one more time for the great William Montgomery, everybody? Check him out on Cameo. He's on tour with me, with himself. Make some noise for the great Kurt Metzger, everybody. Kyle Dunnigan's show, the Jimmy Dorshow. Check out his amazing work.

Truly one of the great writers of comedy out there. Anything else you want to plug or anything like that? No, nothing can compare to that. My sheets are a box of chocolate. Yeah, no. That changed my life then. I agree. Thank you so much.

I actually felt that too. Kurt, you've been in many great writing rooms and written many great, great things. So I respect your opinion a lot. I'm so grateful that you came by. There's the drawing from Ryan Giebel. He draws every single episode of you holding a kite with me on it or something like that. It's amazing. RyanGiebel.com for all those prints.

How about one more time for the best band in the land, huh? That's the Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball, peanut butter, whiskey. I'll tell you, I had some of that fucking peanut butter whiskey with an espresso martini. Oh, it's great. It was like a peanut butter fucking telling you. It's the shit. We've been having fun every single Monday. One more time for Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

John D's on the keys. The great Paul Deemer on the horns. That's Daniel Howard is joining us on the band tonight. And how about one more time for the great D-Madness, everybody? This has been Kill Tony Live again in Austin, Texas. A lot of fun announcements and fun things around the corner. I love you guys. Thank you so much for coming out.

We'll see you around. Love you. Good night, everyone. We'll see you around. We'll see you around. Thank you. Thank you.