Killing Dad: The Crystal Howell Story - 10: A First-Degree Mistake

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Crystal is given a polygraph regarding her claims, the District Attorney speaks on the case and Crystal has a message that will hopefully change everything. 

Verano, verano, reciclar es tan tu mano Es la lata de aceitunas que te tomas a la una, la crema que se termina cuando estás en la piscina El en base de ese polo que no se recicla solo y una lata de caballa que te coves en la playa A usar el aspatatací del refresco la lata un en base de paya y del agua My name is Jason Alexander, the star of bedtime stories of The Ingle Side In, a brand new scripted comedy podcast in which I play Palm Springs Hotelier Mel Haiber, who in the 1970s turned the rundown Ingle Side In into the best kept secret getaway for Hollywood's elite, Theaves and mobsters. The series also stars Brian Jordan Alvarez, Michael secret getaway for Hollywood's elite, thieves, and mobsters.

The series also stars Brian Jordan Alvarez, Michael McKean, Richard Kind, Lance Bass, and Moira. You can find bedtime stories of the Ingliside Inn on Sirius XM, Pandora, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts. Don't forget to follow the show so you never miss an episode. The following episode contains graphic material and talk of suicide that may be triggering to some audiences. If you are in distress, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 to be confidentially connected with someone in your area.

People kept telling me like, do you have a story to tell? Do you have a reason for me or we may not know what it is? But I feel like it's connected with what happened to you. And basically a lot of people are telling me like, you might not be able to change yours, you're consistent. But you'll be able to change someone else's lives. You're going to be able to make the impact. I can't help but look back and think all the way back into the day that I tell my dad on trying to keep myself that day in the gun PMC all the way until now.

Now let's do a side-of-sense on things that normally would kill someone else. I'm just going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say trying to use what happens to make a change to better other people's lives because there are some of these blotters and probably don't feel like they have a voice and it's taking me over 10 years to feel like I didn't have a voice. So my point is that at the time I can feel feel like so worth it, never really is. We've come to the final episode of this special series, but is it really the end for Crystal Howell? Once a lost and struggling team, a product of her unstable and tumultuous upbringing, Crystal has accepted the responsibility of taking her dad's life.

Now that you've heard all that she went through, did she get the sentence she deserved? It is a topic that is widely contested and hotly debated. Should teens be given life sentences or they deserve a second chance at a future? I'm Melissa McCarty, and I'm Kelly McClear. We bring you a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more

of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more

of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more or something different, anything different, I guess. Maybe let him kill me, I don't know. But I feel like anything will be better than living with it. It's not easy. But honestly, I don't know, because when you're sitting in a jail, so you know, a million things are in your head,

I could have done this, I could have done that. But at the time, you know, a million things are in fear, and I could have done this. I could have done that. But at the time, it doesn't seem like there are a million options. It only seems like there's a one. Now I know now that my dad was going to kill me, and that's just something that's hard to accept, too, to know that somebody that's so close to you. I don't know.

I think there's another way that it's a betrayal to me. And in the same way that I feel that betrayal, I've betrayed my dad. And so are we really all that different? Somebody asked me one time, I was locked up in our cup of weird. They asked me, do you ever wonder how he would have died as he hadn't killed him? Like that's how they said it.

Um, I just looked at them and I said, no, that's not what I think of. I think of all the ways he might have lived. All the changes he could have made. I just had a way for me. I've just been out. I'll never know what he could have been. I just been away from him. You did now. I'll never know what he could have been. I'll never know.

He could have changed. I'll never know if things could have been better. Or if I could have gotten help. I just went away from both of us. And now I guess I'm the one less wondering what could have been. As it stands right now, Crystal Howell will be in her 40s when she's eligible for her first parole hearing. In the meantime, she recently threw a Hail Mary pass by way of filing a MAR, a motion for appropriate relief.

Among the items listed in the mar are newly discovered evidence. The plea was unlawfully induced. The conviction was obtained by the use of a coerced confession and ineffective counsel. For a legal interpretation of this, we asked famed former California deputy district attorney Matt Murphy. So every state has a different name for that sort of thing. Essentially what that is is she is, she's presenting new mitigating information in the hopes that the court will re-evaluate her sentence. But again, part of the problem here is she did that herself, right? So she threw everything against the wall.

Crystal doesn't have the money for an attorney and had no access to legal aid in prison. So she filled out the mar on her own. What she threw against the wall was a lot, but not everything, as you've heard in detail in this podcast. Crystal sent us a copy of the Mar and the Superior Court judge for Haywood County denied all nine of the motions, Crystal filed. A way more effective strategy, I think, for any defense is you take the best piece of mitigating evidence, maybe the best two or three, you focus in on those and say, look, like in her case, here's evidence that my father was actually abusive,

and this was not presented before. Please give me relief based on that. It's almost like if you have a couple of really good things, you don't want to dilute them with a bunch of crap that it isn't going to help you. We asked Matt if Crystal can file multiple appeals or if this is possibly the end of the road for her. She may not, depending on the procedure laws

of North Carolina, she may have exhausted that at the state level, but she can file that in federal district court. She can go to them with a, with seeking habeas relief, but she's, you know, she could do that herself. What I see happening in her case, probably long before she is successful, would be I see somebody intervening

with knowledge of the case, or some sort of either national or perhaps legislative change in North Carolina where juveniles are, you know, afforded additional review. You never really run out of appeals, okay, which is another thing. Once you're done with state appeals, that's when you can go to federal court.

On a case like this, she can have a... she can appeal to juvenile advocacy groups to sponsor an appeal based on the new... this new information. And I... I could see that happening. There is another person Christo could appeal to. The current prosecutor in Haywood County, North Carolina. In this circumstance, I think that this woman was certainly going to consider anything that she hears, whether the court is denied it or not, every prosecutor is trained from day one that you

must maintain an open mind and listen to all sides throughout. So if you guys presented evidence to her of abuse, of, you know of something that is truly mitigating, I guarantee she would consider it. I wouldn't be at all surprised if in a case like this 30 to life, it's heavy for a Jew that killed her own father. And especially in a plea, that's a heavy sentence. This was her dad, there's a dynamic there.

This was, she's a product of a bad divorce. She had some mental health issues. And that maybe, maybe in that mess, there's enough mitigating evidence in the mind of a good professional prosecutor where she gets her reduced sentence. Will that be the case? Can she get a reduced sentence?

We went directly to the district attorney for answers. is HECK O-M-S! Ashley Welch is the current district attorney for the 43rd District of North Carolina, and she agreed to talk to us. I've been a prosecutor for 19 years. I've never been a defense lawyer. So I'm coming at it from a prosecutor's standpoint. However, this was a really strong case for the prosecution, very strong. And she was risking a lot in going to trial. And so she had the way whether she was going to take a life with the possibility of parole. And as young as she was, she was granted parole after 25 years, she could still have a life. Or was she going to take a chance to be convicted of first degree murder with no possibility of parole? And those would be the two decisions which she was weighing. Now it's not a great outcome for her

by any stretch of the imagination. But she could have faced the harm we're sent up to shoot on the trial. Rather than taking her chances at a jury trial, she signed a plea deal. But Crystal says she was threatened with perjury by then public defender Bridget Aquire if she didn't sign the plea deal accepting first degree murder. When I read the note, it sounded like Ms. Howell was telling her attorney, I'm giving you permission to engage in plea negotiations to a second degree murder plea or a life with parole. And life with parole is what she ended up getting. And in terms of what Ms. Howell says about her

attorney telling her that she would be charged with perjury if she didn't take the plea after signing that, I have such a hard time believing that. Miss Aguire, who's now retired, I believe, but she was a very well thought of, equitable, long time public defender. One of the best in the state, I cannot imagine that she would have done that. It just doesn't sound like her. And when I look at everything and I did look at everything

because I was really concerned, especially after what y'all sent me. The last thing that I want to do is somebody, have somebody sitting in prison that doesn't need to be there, or is there for too long. And so I have read her file again about five times, and then also sent it to the investigators and sent Senate to one of my chief assistant DAs so that it wasn't just me. And we've got her psychological records, her school records,

DSS records all the way back to when Ms. Halton kindergarten. And so based on the totality of everything that I have, and then the knowledge that I have of Miss Aquire and her reputation, I just have a really hard time believing that she would have said that to her client. Miss Welch went on to explain why Crystal's mar was denied. So in terms of why it was denied, I can't speak for the judge, but I can tell you that

when I looked at it, I could tell that it wasn't likely to be an M.A.R. that was going to be granted. I have seen, and a lot of times, the judges get those written by individuals on their own. And so, it doesn't really make a difference when they're reading it. In terms of, is it a pro- they're reading it in terms of is it a pro-say individual writing it themselves or an attorney except for an attorney of course has the skill set to document exactly what needs to be documented. I will say for whatever it's worth and this won't make Miss Howell feel any better, but the judge that would have reviewed her in AR

is very, very careful. And he, when he reads these, he doesn't just summarily deny them for the sake of denying them. As prosecutors, we're answering these all the time. And it didn't even get to that stage. Now, Ms. Howell could reach out to prisoner legal services and reach out to attorneys and they could refile.

But when I look at the M.A.R. statute, I don't see, based on what I have right now, a reason for the granting of an M.A.R. unless she knows something that I don't know, was she may. One item that was never presented before was the letter that Crystal's dad Michael wrote two holds that depicted his unhinged mental state. That's the first I've heard of it.

Certainly it's something that would be helpful for us to have a copy of. I can't promise you that that's going to make a difference in terms of a new hearing because ultimately at the end of the day, what we're dealing with is a young lady who waited till her dad was asleep and killed him in a sleep. Now, I'm not telling you that there aren't reasons for it. I'm not going to tell you that she had this great childhood. And she certainly had mitigating factors. That's what I would call all of these things as mitigating factors.

And that played into our decision in not pursuing the life without parole on her. But certainly part of our job is prosecutors is to do justice. And so that doesn't always mean, and a lot of times it doesn't mean a conviction or the most serious conviction that one can get. A lot of times the public doesn't understand that. So I'd be interested to see it. Do you believe Christel's claims of sexual abuse by her uncle

and physical and mental abuse at the hands of her father? I do. I do. I mean, I don't want to say for sure that she's telling the truth, but one of her mental health diagnoses out of several is Indicator of a sexual abuse and trauma

So that doesn't surprise me and also in a lot of the ways that this howl was acting and some of her Psychological in her school history and her running away and she was very sexually active. That's classic of a young person that's been sexually abused and certainly it sounds like an addition to that. It was a very contentious and very difficult divorce between her mom and dad and she was going back and forth. So I do tend to believe that. When asking Miss Welch if Crystal had any options or avenues when it came to getting a reduction in her sentence, she brought up the Raise the Age Act.

That was put into effect in North Carolina in December of 2019. At the time that Miss Howell committed this crime, North Carolina had not passed the what we call raised the age act. So at the time, the minute that Ms. Howell turned 16, she was considered an adult. Now, that's not the case anymore. The legislature has passed the raised the age act.

However, there's exceptions in that act that if you are 16 or 17 years old and you commit a certain class of felonies in North Carolina, first degree being murder being one of them, you are transferred as an adult. Does crystal have a chance of say a second chance at a resendant

hearing under the raise the age to say, Hey, can you take another look at my case and see if I could get a sentence reduction under the raised the age act? You know, I reviewed all of the motion for appropriate release statutes. And of course, the law went into effect about this life with parole

aspect. I don't ever want to say absolutely not because there's always a possibility. But based on the facts that we have today and right now, the chances are very slim. A judge would have to find certain factors to grant her a new hearing. And then out of that hearing, she would have to find certain factors to grant her a new hearing. And then out of that hearing, she would have, or the judge would have several options. One would be a recentencing hearing. Two would be a new trial. Three, and he would have to show certain issues, but they could throw out the conviction altogether. issues, but they could throw out the conviction all together. But once a plea is in her and in a judgment is in her, in North Carolina, we have these motion for appropriate relief statutes.

And under that statute, in order for someone to be resented, very specific things must be shown by the petitioner. So in this case, Miss Howell, number one, ineffective assistance to counsel. And you've got to show that that counsel would have caused that ineffective assistance would have caused a different outcome for her. New evidence that we wouldn't have had at the time

that we believe, and the court would believe that caused a different outcome. If her constitutional rights were violated, if the statutes changed, those are all things that could open her back up to a new synating hearing. But what about just based off the medical research of a juvenile's brain development, just that alone, where one mistake, you know, sets the rest of their lives?

So I believe in that research, and I believe with the scientists and all of that research about brain development. So I won't tell you that I don't believe it. However, as a prosecutor, when you're looking at the laws, the laws are what they are for a reason. We're allowed to treat 16, 17 year olds as adults in certain types of crime, one of which being first degree murder. That's kind of the ultimate bad act, you know, is to kill someone with pre-meditation and deliberation. And it's our indication as prosecutors that in this case, that's what Ms. Howell did. So we're having to weigh up a justice and a safety issue. So you're looking at her age, which certainly makes her more sympathetic, her background, her mental illness, and her upbringing.

But you've got to balance it with the safety to the community and punishment and justice. And she will get out and still be an adult and not old. So, in balancing those two factors, I feel like that's fair. I mean, the risk that we take, if we say, well, your brain's not developed and we know that, you know, until you're mid-20s. Does that mean that everybody who commits murder gets to pass?

And that's really dangerous. Author and developmental psychologist Dr. James Garibino has testified as an expert witness in countless juvenile murder trials, and he disagrees on the safety concern, and has a specific time frame most teen killers should serve. I think having worked on many, many, many cases of recentencing of juveniles who committed murder, it's pretty clear that she should get a recentencing hearing in which the full story leading up to the murder of her father is told as well as you know what the story is in the years that followed. It's the murder occurred in 2014 so there's

a significant period of time to see how she has behaved since then. She's still she's just about 25 now so that it's only now that we could presume that she has a mature brain and is fully equipped to deal with these issues. So I think there's all these reasons why a recentencing hearing and a recent in itself would make sense. Based on my work in this area for many, many years, I came to the conclusion that a sort of developmentally appropriate sentence is more like 20 years for a teenager. And I'll fears to get them to the point where they have them at your brain and then a

period of years, let's say 8 or 10, to use that brain to process the issues that got them in trouble in the first place. At the end of our conversation, we encourage DA Welch to listen to all episodes of Crystal's story. I will listen to it and I will let y'all know if I hear something or there's something that caught my interest that changed my mind. If you don't come up with something else, I'm always willing to look." Well, we did come up with something.

Since DA Welch does not believe Crystal's claim that her court appointed public defender Brigitte Guire forced her to sign a plea deal she didn't want to sign, Crystal took a polygraph to address those claims. While a polygraph is not admissible as evidence in court, it can factor into prosecutorial decisions. Lisa Rybakov is an EPA Advanced Trained Polygraph Examiner with International Investigative Group, and the one to administer the testing.

Did Richard Aguilier pressure you into signing the plea deal? Yes. Did you tell Brigitte Glyar that you did not want to accept the plea deal for the first of your murder? Yes. Did Brigitte Glyar tell you that you could be charged with perjury if you didn't accept the plea deal for the first of your murder? Yes.

Did Brigitte Glyar ask you to sign a handwritten note pertaining to your plea deal before you received the actual deal from the Diaz Office? Yes. What was the result of that polygraph examination regarding her public defender Brigitte Guyer? There were no significant reactions in response to the relevant questions on all three polygraph tests that were administered about this topic. And so what does that mean? That means that she was telling the truth on all three polygraphs. For anyone listening that does not believe the accounts of abuse she experienced at the

hands of her dad, Crystal also wanted to address those claims in a separate polygraph test. Did your father ever fire a gun in your direction? Yes. Did your father ever strike you, leaving a marker bruising your body? Yes. On the day of your father's death, your father threatened harm you. Yes. Did you ever find any winter evening, did your father instruct you to spend the night in the

woods because it was your punishment for running away? Yes. And did she pass fail or inconclusive? With regards to this examination and after scoring the physiological tracings that her body produced in response to these four questions, I'm able to render an opinion that no significant reactions were present and that she was telling the truth on all four relevant questions.

You spent a couple hours with Crystal during the polygraph examinations. What was your impression of her? Crystal has a great personality. She is funny and vivacious and she is strong-minded considering the circumstances that have occurred in her life in the current situation that she's currently in pertaining to her incarceration. She is educated, she is likable, personable, and she, again, she is forthcoming with the information. She's not denying anything pertaining

to the responsibility of her actions. She understands that there are consequences for behaviors. And she's just wanting to go ahead and make sure that her side of the story is heard and that what she has been saying this entire time is the truth. And I had the opportunity to validate her thinking and her thought process, as well as her memory recall,

to determine that she is not being deceptive and that she is not showing any indications of the deception. Throughout our months and years of speaking with Crystal, all she has ever wanted is to be heard. I felt like maybe because I was taking a plea people didn't feel the need to provide the facts or the real evidence or the mitigating factors of my case and that was something that really bothered me because I feel like I was sentenced to nobody

ever really knew what happened. I just don't get why, why, why not do your job right the first time? Why not? Looking the same deeper because if you all can find this stuff out, by simply speaking to a few people, they just, I feel like they wanted to believe the worst. Over the years, Crystal's great aunt, Brenda Ennis, has stood by her side through it all. When you heard about the actions of Mike, to Crystal,

do you believe that that was Mike? Doing those things. Was that in his character, in his nature? Oh, I believe he, I believe it 100%. But I think he had snapped. I think he had been gone so far with so much hatred and bitterness in his heart that he snapped and went too far and probably couldn't get back. You know, none of us want to believe that it's in any of our nature. But if you're hard enough, and you're desperate enough,

and you're isolated enough, and you don't have really anybody to call your own, you're going to do some different things. She killed her father. No doubt about that. Do you believe she deserves to be in prison for the rest of her life? I don't think she deserved prison.

I think under the circumstances of what transpired, she needed psychiatric help and healing. And I can tell you that I've been in Christ's place. And I believe what she believed, I probably would have did the same thing. For everyone who can't get over the headlines, the sensational headlines, for all the people sitting at home going like I was abused,

I was physically beaten, I didn't kill. What would you say to those people when it's like I had a rough childhood too, I didn't kill. What would you say to those people when it's like I had a rough childhood too, I didn't kill? I would say unless you walked in her shoes, you can't judge. When they hear in the full details of what I'll transpire. And you know, a lot of it, to me, the sensationalism, I've heard more people talk about what took place. They're just repeating what they were told and heard. They don't know what took place.

And the whole circumstances were so far from how it was portrayed. And they want to make it as nasty and salacious as they can possibly make it. We traveled to Maggie Valley, North Carolina, where life has moved on without crystal. But still there, living with the after effects of this tragedy, is Crystal's good friend Taylor. I don't think Crystal is a bad person. I don't think she's a monster. I don't think she's heartless. I don't think Crystal is a bad person. I don't think she's a monster. I don't think she's heartless. I just think she did a bad thing when she was put in a bad situation that she didn't know how to get out of. And

she I'm not gonna sit here and say that she hasn't caused trauma for me because I mean I'm still going to counseling. I have nightmares. I wake up and cold sweats all the time, but I still love her and I don't think that if she would have known what this was gonna do to the people that she loved, if she would have actually thought about the repercussions of what was gonna happen, she never would have done it. I feel like you know her the best of everyone, and what would you say to the District attorney who is looking at the facts? I would ask her to put herself in the position of a scared 17 year old who has been through mental health issues and that has been exasperated by mental and physical abuse.

And the parties that she or the officials or adults that she has tried to reach out to has, I mean, not, not done what they were supposed to do. What do you do in that position? I mean, you're, you're not an adult yet. As much as we want to say, you know, 17's close to being an adult, 18's, 18's an adult, our brains don't stop maturing till we're 25. I mean it's just she's not thinking at 100% adult capacity and on top of that she's mentally ill. When Crystal pulled the trigger, she never anticipated how many would feel the effects of her actions as Crystal's friend Summer explained to us. How has this affected you and changed you? This has probably changed my life, honestly. Uh, I still struggle with it, obviously, that's not something that you ever really get

over. Trust wise, I don't really keep friends because of that. It affects my day to day, as it would probably anybody. Eventually you do get desensitized to it after you, you know, just an exposure of exposure. But there's still that trust aspect. I think the more people talk about it, and although it's emotional as hell, obviously, like, I feel like, as a whole, people who need to come together and realize that emotions are normal. But mental health is serious.

It can cross people to do crazy things that they don't even know, that they can't explain themselves. I'm sure she didn't want to do that, but I can't speak for anybody else, but I know how she was. I know how she is. She's not a bad person. She's not. At the heart of Crystal's story, her case and her childhood

is the importance of mental health and seeking help when you needed it. The time Crystal has spent behind bars reflecting has given her a deeper understanding of what she went through in her formidable teenage years. I feel like, like I said, that my mental illness probably did play a factor in it. I don't think it's an instance where, oh, I'm taking off my head and I just like, hey,wire or anything like that. I just think, I think I need to disable hormone, I'm at stable environment in a place that was safe.

I think those are things I needed. Maybe somebody to listen when I'm asking for help. Why did I get those things? Is that not equivalent to a mental health medication? You know, all those factors are equivalent to a mental health medication, you know, all those factors are important to your mental health. Feel like even if you're on a mental health medication, if you're thrown in, the din with wolves, what's going to happen? I mean, what's going to happen to you? You're going to eat

in a lot of, like, you're not safe. I don't know, I just feel like, I feel like it's a crush. I don't want to blame everything on my mental health. I feel like everybody has their role in this. I don't think it was all one person's fault. It's just saying it says no, no flanks feels like it's responsible for the avalanche, you know. I feel like I would portray those to be this like... Basically, like that I just keep the A, then I just keep it as I keep it as...

And it's just always about what I couldn't do. I don't know, it's really difficult to put the words. I just feel like... I mean, my dad's dead. It is my fault. And I take responsibility for that. But I don't think it was because I was just this terrible person that wanted to know. And it was never anything like that.

And I feel like that's how it was made out to be that. I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. And that's the hardest thing for me, sure. Looking back, I think I was brainwashed. Like, I didn't realize it at the time, but I'm a very different person today than I was seven, eight years ago. And I guess I see things a lot clearer now. The life Crystal had all those years ago is all but a glimmer in the rearview mirror.

Time moves on. People move away. Friends get married, have families of the room. There's one person though that crystal regrets not having a relationship with, the most. Her sister, Sierra. Whenever I was arrested, you know, I tried to tell her what happened. She didn't believe me. But that didn't change how I felt about her.

That's still my sister, like whether she believes that you're not that didn't change the dynamic of our relationship. She basically told me, like, whenever I get out, that she's going to be there for me when I come home, that she's going to be able to take care of me, stuff like that. And, you know, I just believed her. And I feel like something changed, like, because when I came to prison, I've seen my sister once, since I've been locked up.

I haven't received a single letter from her at all, so I want to be locked up. Crystal doesn't hear much from her mom these days and hasn't spoken to her sister Sierra in years. We reached out to both and never received a response. But Crystal hopes the following words will make it to Sierra's ears and heart. I spent a lot of time crafting this letter

to my sister Sierra to open that to the message. Okay. Last week I called mom and she told me about a mission trip that you went on and how you helped the woman regain her vision after not being able to see for 30 years. 30 years sitting dark and it seemed been sad and will rule the me until I realized that 30 years is a time span I'm all too familiar with. And I asked myself a question, will my sister choose to keep her eyes closed to my situation? Will she remain blind for the next 30 years? The last time I heard your voice was July 4, 2020, and before that, it was person since 2018.

Now I don't even know your phone number. In eight years, you and mom haven't sent me a single letter. I don't know what your favorite color is or what your dog's her name. I don't know what you ate for dinner last week or what kind of clothes you wear now that you're an adult. You don't know what kind of needs to be listened to or that I dated a girl named Morgan for two years. You don't know that I try to commit suicide 17 times over the plan on my incarceration. I'm eager to see my dad again. You and I, our sisters were strangers. How can you hate someone you don't even know?

For instance, our mate for rehabilitation and growth. I've changed so much in eight years, but you've never known. In every day, you said I've been in the silence and solitude, all I can think is, that this is how dad felt when everyone left him alone on the mountain. So this is how it felt when everyone left him alone on the mountain. So this is how it feels like to be forgotten. No one has ever asked me if I'm okay. Not before and not after. I've spent my life keeping secrets and telling lies, fighting to protect people that I love, struggling to survive. Do you remember the time that bad beat you so bad that you literally had to

fight it away from him? Do you remember that fear? Do you remember having to constantly think before you spoke, afraid that your words will make you angry? None of those things stopped after the divorce. The only difference is that once I moved in with dad, there was no one there to witness the storm. There was no one there to call it, so it only intensified.

For years all he did was rain down on me, and still no one asked. Basically my friend has been hard to tell. The hardest part have been having to face so long. I felt so many things over the past eight years, doubt, clear, anger, confusion, but more than anything I felt alone. You've made me for the things I've done, but I promise you that I'll hate even more. If I could turn back your time, I would do a million things differently, but I'm unable to do that. I've written you countless letters and the follow-up in every way I can imagine.

All I'm able to do now is grow and work on myself daily. I can't continue living my life in this in-between place, waiting for you. But I need you to know that the time and distance is staying in between us whenever stop us from being family. Nothing can erase all the after-maintly spent watching cartoons or undo all the road trips we spent figuring in the back seat. I won't forget writing our bikes to neighborhood schools

or sharing these shoulder clothes as we got older. Sites are an argument, the memories are what makes the sisters. You're at all always loving. Was it cathartic to you in a way? To put all these things down on paper and then to read them out? Yeah, yeah. I just feel like I'm at a point where she reaches out. I'll be happy, but if she doesn't, I feel like I can move on.

While she had a message for her sister, Crystal's first love Tyler has a message for her. You know, I'm sorry for everything that happened to her. I mean, I did that, you know, as you know, if you remember anything to point out to us, that's what we both said. They're describing, you know, those clouds, you know, I see guys running

into things, we both winters. And I hate that. Her, her, her, her, her, you know, her, her, her, something more serious than what mine did. From hope that one day she can accept that everything that happens to happens or that it makes through years, you can still see the size that you want to be and overcome that.

Crystal has been incarcerated since 2014, but the memory of what she has done in thoughts of her father still keep her confined to a prison of another sorts, one that exists in her dreams and in her mind. I think it's just, they're so real that it's like he's alive sometimes. And like maybe this, maybe like this, written line isn't my line. Maybe it's all the night there, and maybe during the farewell, what's real. From hearing you and hearing your story, everybody in your life has let you down. Your father, your mother, your sister.

So when the time comes of your 30 years to life, what do you see your life being? 25 years from now, 20 years from now. I guess I feel a lot of lonely. Like, I'm trying to think about it. I don't know. I feel like I can't go home because I just can't sound like weird.

But I have this like fear that like if I live with my mom or my sister, they let me come in there that they're going to be afraid of me. Like the thing I don't know is how I feel at this point. I think this only would be something that I have. I don't really think about when at this point. I think this only would be something I have. I don't really think about when I get out, because you know, I struggle a lot with depression. So a lot of times when I think about the future, I've kind of pictured suicide.

I know that silly, but that kind of, I feel like there is in a future, at the silly, because I don't have any jobs, but I've never had a life thing, but I've never, not been having children. I'm not gonna know any of these things had a thriving society, so I just feel like some way quickly to continue on.

Not really knowing how to survive, not knowing how to take pills, not knowing how to get a job. It's not not Don't be sorry Not having him to talk to you like I am Not really having someone to guide me and tell me This is the way you need to go. Make it. Not being able to pick up the phone and call them.

Because all those things make it feel real. I don't know. And it just, that's just like, my whole life, all I wanted was to be somebody that you could eventually look at and feel like this is my kid, this is my daughter. I raised her like a moment where I could make some proud. And now I feel like, where's the moment? I'm living the the right small life and for you. And I don't just don't know what the moment's gonna be. Do you see a day or a time when you might come out of this dark forest? It is hard because it's like

everything that I ever saw in my life I saw with my dad next to me. So for me to be standing in that frame alone, I don't know, even if they let me out today, it'd be difficult to find it without him here. So I have a lot of students out there, It's easy to just revert and I think I'll be thinking and be like, well, I want to be with my dad, where my dad is, where I want to be. So if I show myself, I'll be with him.

It feels like you're living the same day over and over again. So you feel like you don't have purpose. Like, what is my purpose of being alive just to sit here for? And I got it. It's a heavy weight we carry in sharing Crystal's story, not knowing how it'll end. Kelly, who's known for her strength,

shows the impact of telling Crystal story. I need you to promise me that you were not going to attempt suicide again. I can't promise me. I can't promise that because it's a mental statement. It's not like I sit there and be like, all right, and that's the time to try again. I just say it on the second problem set.

Because I want to break it. Can you at least make a conscious effort to try? I can make a conscious effort here. But I feel like it's something changing, not perspective on it. you at least make a conscious effort to try? I can make a conscious effort, yes. But I feel like something changed my perspective on it. I don't know, it's like really hard because when I get to talk about my dad, it's kind of when it starts.

But the last time I spoke with my therapist, I was talking there and I told her kind of my concerns, because you know, for the last year, maybe two, this podcast has kind of been my purpose. It's been what keeps me going to try to give my story out there to help other people. So I asked her, like, you know, whenever the podcast is over, what would it all have? And she's just explaining me, you know, if there are people that you're helping out there, and if there's a young girl or a young guy that hears what

you went through and that you survived it and you're still out there surviving, that's what's going to be important. But if they look you up and see that you've committed suicide, then that's just going to make everything that happened that even greater tragedy. So that kind of changed my perspective a lot on things. I feel pretty good as of the time being. I've been getting sad some, but I haven't been thinking about suicide. So that's pretty good.

Well, that is one smart therapist because I'm not going to lie. When we were thinking about the last episode, right? The line I do not want to have to write or read or say. And I'm gonna start crying when I say this, but I don't want to end it. With Christa took her life. They don't want that ending. Great, now you got me crying, thank you very much. Christophe took her life. They don't want that ending. Great night. You got me crying.

Thank you very much. I'm sorry. I'm crying. So you understand where we're coming from when we say this, right? We don't want that ending. I don't want that for you. I guess I guess it took someone outside of my situation

a bit because it's easy for someone who cares about me or is invested in the story or things like that. It's easy for someone like that to say, oh, you're not going to live for. Whereas my therapist, she's a fairly new therapist to me. So she doesn't know much about me. But for her to be able to say that, you know, I guess put them full outside her. I guess that's kind of what they think and a little bit deeper. And she's one-hundred percent right. I mean, everything we will have, you will have done would be for not, you know, because if there was any sense

of inspiration in your story, it will all be for nothing, because of the outcome. So that's why I wanted you to promise or at least make a conscious effort not to. I just wanted to make sure I say that. Yes, I will make a conscious effort, but I feel like, like I said, that I'm doing a lot better than having a long while, but that's really earth-saying that is what is thinking. Because I don't know what if someone's other could hear this, like, oh, well, that's the her thing, that's what is thinking. Because I don't know what someone's other could hear it is. Like, oh, well, that's the only way I'm going to be able to make it out. And then there's going to be another life that I'm responsible for having lost.

Crystal grew up singing in church. And now the only ones that hear her sing are the concrete walls and the fellow inmates. She's behind the barbed wire fences with. Sentenced to 30 years to life, she helped one day. She will be allowed to see the light and walk out of the facility that raised a team into a woman. I feel like it's a story that needs to be heard so that other people who are going through the same thing can kind of see the live end of the tunnel, maybe some what I don't know

really what that is yet. But I don't think it's too little too late, maybe for my court case. It is, but at this point, is it really about that? Or is it, how do we stop a lot of people from getting into this situation? A petition has been created in an effort to get her case another look for a reduced sentence. The petition can be found through change.org, entitled, please reduce Crystal Howell's sentence.

Crystal wants to be an example to struggling in lost teens and others who may feel there's no way out. Our story should be one that everyone going through tough times or issues with mental health, sexual, emotional, physical abuse or thoughts of suicide should take to heart. I want to take all the things that happen to me, not to make people who are busy with what's differently, but to stop young people beforehand from becoming the thing that I for it to light for them. I'm just a man I'm just a broken man Will you hold, fall, put your arms around me. I must see on the skin in these bones.

Yeah, I'll be coming home. Oh, it ought to be on my name And I just want to know I will have a gotta be Up with me in the chair, so I don't even care now Run as I can rest and get my peace, look me so lonely Like the only one in the world, which I was like me So I can go home Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, See on this endless road Thank you.