Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 598: The Horrible Lives and Deaths of the Saints - The OGs

Episode Date: November 15, 2024

This week the boys travel way, way back - to the days before the advent of the Holy Roman Empire to examine the dark, bloody history behind a handful of "The OG Saints" and the often brutally gruesome tales that led to their consecrations. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes and get exclusive access to bonus content.

There's no place to escape to this is the last on the left Where are Mother Teresa's bones are you quizzing your fucking ass? Where are Mother Teresa's bones? Are you quizzing your fucking ass? I would know I would feel the shards Where are Mother Teresa's bones? I have a business opportunity Listen where Mother Teresa's bones. I'm looking it up right now according to house. She's in the mother house of course yeah Mm-hmm. Oh this liar the mother house is black liar. What was was she in Calcutta? She is in a Where is it in Calcutta? I think it's next to Calcutta Cleveland Yeah, mother Teresa's tomb is in Kolkata it is in Calcutta where because she had such good memories there Yeah, absolutely laughing laughing when she was telling people they couldn't have their food

Whatever favorite things is being like, oh look, it seems you have dropped your testicles. But I'm saying if we got a little weight are we? Oh, can I eat your nose? I eat your nose. Mother Teresa, if we smash her bones and we piss all over her bones and we take that piss because of the magic of Catholicism The piss becomes magical then we're making our own magic piss using the bones of Mother Teresa And that's called money making money because piss is cheap You can just get a priest to bless your piss. No, yeah

It's got to be filtered. They do this shit all the time You got to filter it through something else what they do is the one way they keep Saints bones They this is true They smash them up into little Doritos sized pieces and they put them in giant vase and then people pour oil in the top that Comes up the bottom so it runs all over the bones and then magically the oil becomes magic because of the bones the magic bones Yeah And that's why when you piss in it too, that becomes magic piss. And God has to like it, because God set up the fucking rules.

Except it was man who did it! Hell yeah. Welcome to Last Podcast on Love, ladies and gentlemen. Technically, this is a magic episode. My name is Marcus Parks. Bring me Mother Teresa's bones! I want her skin! I want her organs!

I want her face! I'm here with the entrepreneurial Henry Zabrowski. Because that's all you need. That's the collateral. I want her skin, I want her organs, I want her face. I'm here with the entrepreneurial Henry Zabrowski. Because that's all you need, that's the collateral. I heard St. Francis of Assisi gave his bones to the dogs because he liked animals. You know, is it true? Is it true? Side stories help potl.com.

And if you're emailing me though at the same time, send me him on the Teresa's Bugs. And we're here with the fun fact filled Ed Larson. That's right man st. Jerome. He loved playing with skulls. Yes He did who's that st. Jerome the actual st. Jerome? Yeah, the actual st. Jerome known for loving skulls Yeah, well the only picture I saw him. He's holding the skull looking at it like a tablet I think sometimes that was what TV was Guess what the face used to look like why won't you talk to me? One day I'll bury you Not this day and this day I turn you into a pong

All Saint Jerry Realize I'm the only Protestant bastard in this room both of y'all are Catholic. I'm fully I'm indoctrinated. I'm in the cult I'm fucking I'm confirmed. Yeah, I can you can't leave if you're confirmed. What's your confirmation name Xavier? Oh Xavier I did it because of comic books cool And I'm saying Papa they said cuz I wanted to pick the dumbest name in the same they said, because I wanted to pick the dumbest name in the same. You truly were sort of almost like a brave figure in a way because you were openly against God.

Yeah, I hated it. In Catholic school, me too. They used to call me little devil kid and used to do this at me. No, I used to always tell them that it doesn't make any sense and then when I left Catholic school, because I hated Catholic school, one day I told my parents that if they sent me back to Catholic school,

I was going to fail on purpose. Then I told my Jewish father, I was like, I want to go to free school. And then I was able to go to that school. They sent me to CCD to finish out my learnings. CCD, that sounds like a fucking juvie center. CCD is the Sunday school essentially for Catholics. Yeah. Well, you got to go on Sunday or like after school to learn about Catholicism more but the thing is I went to Catholic school So I knew more than the fucking teachers did and so I'm just sitting there playing on my ass

And they every time they're like hey, no, oh you said no a lot and I'm like ask me something You know, I fucking got your ass, man. Guess what? Jesus was Indian. Was he? If he was anything. I don't think he was Indian. He was in there. I think India is a really long ways away from the Middle East.

He was Asian. He was Israeli. Yeah. I don't know. Now he's worm food. To put it simply, the reason why we're talking about Saints is precisely because of how they become Saints their significance in Catholic Orthodox Anglican and Lutheran churches come from their acts of holiness sacrifice and martyrdom aka Magic torture and getting murdered. Yeah. Yeah, honestly just sound like a fun like topic altogether, but only

Religion can make this boring Topic all together, but only religion can make this boring But because of the horrible fates of the Saints They're considered closer to God than the average Joe and they have some of the worst deaths You can imagine that usually come as a result of religious persecution Well, especially if your main dude is the flayed Savior boy, you were of course then gonna view that as as good Oh, yeah, we're gonna get into that angle of it here in a bit It's weird is like if you're a good guy and you just help out everyone and then you die of cancer

No one gives a shit. Yeah, you get your fucking guts turning the jump ropes And I think that that's a thing that we should start talking about I think that too many people get called survivors Yeah, these priests just die of natural causes. Yeah, they just get to go up. We should be stringing them up and flaying them. Mother Teresa should have been cut in four parts. Like, if we were really going to make her a saint because they... Cal cut her into four parts.

Thank you, thank you. And that comes from the pun-ish mint center of the Vatican. Well, today we're going to start with the OG Saints, the ones who existed before the advent of the Holy Roman Empire. This was a time when Christianity was decidedly more magical, and Jesus, according to the stories, would pop down to earth from time to time to kind of sort of help out sometimes maybe. Hey, you know, hey, what's going on everybody?

You blind? Now you can see, see how ugly I am? to help out sometimes maybe. In a way, the stories of the saints are sort of like DLC for the Bible. It's bonus content. Saints build on the original concepts of God, Satan, demons, and angels intervening in the lives of everyday people. Except with Saints, it's done through lightning strikes or miraculous healings, and they involve a whole new cast of characters and a whole different kind of story. Yeah, it's like a different stroke.

You remember a different stroke when they go into college? Different world. Different world, yeah, Different strokes was scary. The guy, yeah, yeah, yeah. What you're talking about, Willis. I thought you meant there was like a spinoff of different strokes called different stroke. Different stroke, which is just the father. The father of that, having a stroke or trying to figure out how to jerk off again. God, I love the old television. They don't make shows like this anymore. But the upside to being a saint is that according to some, you're allowed to skip the line and

get directly into heaven instead of waiting for the day of judgment like everyone else. Or at least, that's how it worked way back when. Ancient Christianity has almost nothing to do with modern Christianity. Like what it all turned into from the old, old, old right after Jesus quote-unquote died like this is like it really was much closer to the ancient pagan like actual magical process thought like it took a long time they had to make it white you know like they had to take it out and they had to strip all the fun out of it in order to convince you the parishioner that you had no power And that you had to speak to the priest that is the only person that could gatekeep God

Yeah, right. They're like the Scientologists of the day. Yes. No, yeah. Yeah, cuz everyone's like what the fuck you talking about? No, it's 20 guns. You're a fucking idiot. Well today canonization is a whole different deal. But we're gonna cover the more modern saints and how they come to be a part of the lore in a future episode. This is pre-Constantinopelian... Pre-Cen... Pre-Constantinopalian. And you'll have to wait for...

Saints of the future! I am saint 45794. I am in charge of our plastic angels. Eliminate Jewish. Oh, cut off her breasts. Really fun stuff. That's just a funny sketch. Just a room of malfunctioning robot saints is a really fun idea.

But the thing about the saints is that they make Christianity a little stickier. Because not only can you pray to God God for the big stuff, Big arch, big umbrella stuff. Yeah. You can also choose a personal mascot for your faith who can protect you from illnesses and situations while also assisting you in your profession. They are middle managers for the Godhead who is supposed to literally be the most powerful creative force in the face of the planet, but what this shows you is that sometimes God doesn't care.

And then he needs to pass you off to his other guy. You want to do well in your roller skating competition? Talk to St. Rollisafari, he's the guy that's been saying the wheels. I got to do shit like make volcanoes that kill deer that no one can see. While saints don't perform miracles per se, only God or Jesus are supposed to be able to do that, they can intercede on God's behalf. For example, if you're a sailor out at sea during a storm, you can pray to Saints

Nicholas, Christopher, or Elmo, and one of them might tell you to take a right instead of a left while the ship is getting tossed, and suddenly that rolling barrel that might have knocked you overboard, it misses your path. Maybe. Maybe. Similarly, if you're having problems with something in particular, like say you got a problem with your feet, you can invoke Saint Servatius.

Yes, and he shows up. I'm a sucker toad. Oh yes, this little piggy went straight down my throat. I love the New York Jess. Ha ha ha. He's the patron saint of foot ailments. Oh good, so he might help you out with your foot problems or At least he could give you some comfort. It's like the guy that got caught for sucking all the toes. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, well know that the guy in Big Bear there was like breaking into people's homes and sucking on their toes while they were sleeping

Real saint like I behavior you see this is What is interesting about the function of the saint is that it comes out of the very very og way of Practicing Christianity so for a while like when it first started I was watching I watched a good documentary on it, and they watched a the The Christian Church would they'd have some formal churches and temples But that's not really the main way because they were the way the religion developed is that actually had developed in secret and part of the way it developed is that the

Worship services would largely be in Crips they would go in a ground they would go into tombs and Also, most of the time the way these functions did is that there was a loose group of believers and there was a guy that would be the Intercedent for you and God they believed this this guy was that he was holier than all the rest of us for some reason Probably because he dick didn't work and then what he did was like say they would pray to him while he was alive And then what would happen is that he would die. And then that person would be then, their bones would be put in the crypt where they're working. One thing they notice is a very early Christian establishment is that when you went into a crypt, there would

be benches and you'd have bones all around them and you'd see written words written on the walls to the bones as intercedents for them to talk directly to God. Because again, God's bazine doesn't give a fuck about you so you need you need an agent you have to you're supposed to have an aid this is what we believe in Catholicism representative representative so when that guy would die that's where all this started where this guy a person that and then it would eventually become like what if that guy was like a super popular version of that the guy that would die and then when he was dead would then

Become the direct way to talk to God and this was also based off of the hero Cults of the Greek and Roman myths like things like Hercules Those are based off real people like those stories are all based off real actual heroes of the time that then people would use as an intermediary and Largely this kind of just comes from the fact that we as humans love poly theistic religions Yeah, and this is a way to cheat that yeah inside of it And we also love novelty, you know, we love something new we love a new story and we love having variety. Yeah It's fucking necromancy

Yeah this whole thing is necromancy because it's about talking which is the reason why nobody else like the Catholics because we had this little function where everybody else had like essentially they could talk directly to God. God wasn't busy enough for them. Yeah and also cannibalism. Yeah. Because you eat Jesus and drink his blood. That's later. Yeah. Yeah, we'll get to that here in a bit. Saints also serve as examples, because the whole point of a saint is that they were persecuted for being Christians but never wavered in their faith. Today though, saints are more used as models of endurance, a story to point to as to why

you should still come to church and give them your money week after week even though your life still fucking sucks. Like Saint Cal Ripken Jr. I cooked him nachos once It was delightful I never met him, but you know the waitress said he was nice Then they stole his mother Well the problem is that because of the continuation of these stories of oppression because what saints' stories are, especially these old ones. They're stories of Christians being oppressed.

Many Christians today still have a massive persecution complex they just can't fucking drop. Many or all. And they really do need to drop that fucking persecution complex for all our sakes, because the persecution we're going to be talking about today is 2,000 years old. It keeps coming. Yeah. And it's's it doesn't keep coming It ended a very long time ago. Also the persecution here is you got her they are using it as propaganda

Yes within the church to say don't you want to be a saint? The way you do that is to make sure you die Extra gnarly for Jesus Christ and it has to make that gnarly death like an advertisement like we want you to do this Like please please be flipped over on a grill four or five times Now amongst many other sources kudos to co-producer Madeline Shaw for gathering them We also used a book called Saints Preserve Us by Sean Kelly and Rosemary Rogers and our quest towards today's hagiographies. Saint Peresar! Saint Peresar!

Now, it is believed that suspicion of Christians and their subsequent persecution began in 64 AD with the Great Fire of Rome, which burned for six days before being reignited to burn for a further three. Rock and roll. It was rumored that Emperor Nero created the fire himself to rebuild his palace and some of the more rundown parts of Rome so he could increase taxation. It's basically engaging in an extreme form of gentrification. But when we were in the British Museum, I was reading a thing about Nero, like as we were sitting there, and it is interesting because largely the stories about Nero seem

to have been because he was so popular and young and then eventually Blamed a lot of stuff on him after the fact. Yeah Yeah But no matter what the real story is Nero still needed someone to blame for the fire that had swallowed much of Rome and Christians were convenient scapegoats See before this people didn't really give a shit about Christians one way or another because they had no bearing on how people live their daily lives But because they were seen as having such bizarre beliefs, what with their one God that was also a man,

but also a ghost, they were easy to otherize in a society that worshipped thousands of gods. Because the older religions, God is a lot more nebulous. And what the Christian religion did was, essentially, I feel like maybe, obviously speaking entirely out of school, but it really seems that they like the concept of He started that God started as a dude He started as a dude it shows you it shows you what you could do in this life If you're just make enough if you're just Humble enough you to become the ever-loving Lord of all existence You know it never made any sense to me because it's like is he God of just Earth

You know yes, but no no no he's not so in charge of the moon. Yeah Yeah, the entire universe yeah the heavens yeah The heavens are also like heaven and the heavens are two different things So then some people say heaven technically was a planet and a place that was considered for a long time So Jesus is Earth's Delegate as far as we know it's talking like this is Jim's This is the we're in we're in a cult store talk You're slowly gonna be covered in turquoise any I don't you you're not allowed to go to Sedona with this line of thinking

Alright, I can't allow you to go because you're gonna come back like you're gonna not wear pants anymore Yeah, and you're gonna be talking about the Pleiadians and I can't deal with that. I know you're this far I know that it's funny. You think it's me, but I think that you're the closest to start showing up in a tunic Aliens come and what I'm wearing across Aliens come and what I'm wearing across Well, cuz I feel like they would I feel like they would do it much like what we were talking before the show That's like a punk thing Well to redirect the anger about a fire that destroyed nearly three-quarters of Rome Nero ordered that roughly 900 Christians be punished for starting the fire and keeping it going some Some were crucified, but quite a few were torn apart by wild dogs.

Cool. Yeah, they like that over there. Yeah, they really like that. Crucify him! I just want to be able to say that once. Say what? Crucify him! You can say it whenever you want.

I do a lot. But, you know, I mostly do it in the car, I do it with the dentist. Well, that's how you should put Wendy. Crucify her! You can't make her carry. Are you sure we can't just give her the shot? Yeah, well, that's how you should put down Wendy Well as far as the motivation for starting the fires went it was said that Christians hated Rome and therefore hated all of humanity Because of their worship of this one God who was nowhere to be found in the Roman pantheon. See the Romans church, state, and private life were all intertwined, meaning that the

fortune and strength of not only your day to day existence, but the empire itself depended on which God was mad at you that day. They've been kicking it down to the fucking, the single person for this whole time, dog. So if you went against this notion by worshiping one god, and if your religion had rules saying that all other gods were just different heads of your religion's bad guy in disguise, then that meant that you could fuck things up for everyone. And so the Romans began spreading rumors about Christians, saying that they only met at night so they could eat the flesh of innocent Romans and engage in incest most foul. Basically they took the concepts of the Eucharist and the Christian practice of calling each

other brother and sister and made them literal. They really did. They did the thing. It's a smear tactic. They would just say every single time they would do these sort of activities. Saying, calling each other brother and sister, talking about like the... You call each other brother and you just fuck your brother? You're fucking your brother? Oh, that's what you do, you're sucking your brother's dick? Even though technically I don't think that they even... well, dick sucking was around. They love dick sucking in Rome. My God. Don't worry about that. I don't think that they even well dick sucking was around but they love dick sucking I know Weirdly I think it was the opposite where it was just like you had all these fucking pains in the asses

Christians showing up and they weren't sucking dick Yeah, and in Rome everybody was already sucking dick and fucking and they didn't even have I feel like they didn't have concepts for like Sexual identities in Rome like it was all just all over the place. We're just like they did it. They stunk it up I remember we had the concept of a sketch that we never wrote that was called Jeffrey Dahmer time-traveling police officer Being gay is't a thing. Murder is legal. The cutting room floor of the murder fist writers room. So many brilliant ideas slipped through our fingers. Why aren't we on Jimmy Kimmel? Christians were also blamed for environmental disasters like plague, drought, or earthquakes

because their worship of one weird god was making the Roman gods really angry. I'm starting to actually think this is, they're correct. I'm starting to think that we gotta go back. We gotta start talking to fucking Odin again. Well the Roman gods were imposters. They were all fucking take, they were, the Greek gods changed their names. Yeah and all the Greek gods were just like like guys have walked around and give them funny names that was the problem they got kicked out of the EU

it's been bad there it's been bad in Athens no yes Christians were killed in absolutely horrendous ways they really were ripped to shreds in Roman amphitheaters by wild animals for the amusement of the public and they really were ripped to shreds in Roman amphitheaters by wild animals for the amusement of the public and they really were Tortured most terribly and burned alive en masse. I was like in the Coliseum in the front row people used to get pulled in All the time, too. Yeah, it's like the front row was apparently fucking Battles with crocodiles crazy We saw it. Yeah, we were like how like they have that whole like underground

Section of theatrical stuff that would like lift a man. It must have been awesome. It was very cool Yeah built in the year 72 Memory any way? Way too much we know random shit gets put in there literally sitting on a wheat nug Way too much we know random shit gets put in there But sometime in the second century Stories began to appear of Christians being given magical powers through direct intervention by God himself or a failing God Jesus Now obviously this was propaganda designed to keep people in the faith because Christians could always believe that there was a chance that they could be one of the Christians whom

God arbitrarily decided to bless personally. And the more Christian you were, the more likely it seemed that you would receive God's favor. Isn't it weird? Like, not to get too MSNBC about this about this but like it is interesting is that you see that statement and then you realize oh the Christians still Think that they just think it about billionaires If I pay fealty to him enough if I just am good enough Elon himself will pick me like he's gonna allow me to hang out and make me he might and I will go

To guy and I will go to heaven which is you know? Yeah, Tesla. It's a Tesla burning in the bottom of a canyon But it obviously worked out quite well for the Christians in the end and it instilled a sort of stubbornness in the religion that Persists to this day. That's what Christians are! Stubborn! Really, fucking stubborn! It would not have worked, however, if the stories hadn't been good, and since humans love a good bloody story, I don't think they would have worked half as well had they not been as incredibly violent as they are.

One scholar said that specifically the stories were exaggerated Yeah, like it was to stoke a reaction So yeah, I mean we all want to have their hands cut off and their tits cut off and their faces cut off We'd like that. We all like that as a group Also, it was told to each other like it was toss like we're you know person to person person to person. And did you hear they also cut a tits off? Oh great, thanks Brad. Wow.

Life from Northway. Now one of the earliest saint stories involves an enslaved woman named Blandena who lived in what is now the city of Lyon in France. So maybe it was Blondena. Oh yeah, I thought I was Blandena. Blandena, you get back in here. Blandena, get off the home. Yeah, where are you from?

Lyon, France? Yeah, I bet. Are there stupid Lyons? Blandina! Blandina, you get back in here! Blandina, get off the hog! Yeah, where are you from? Lyin' France? Yeah, I bet. You're a stupid liar! Well, I'm from truth America! See, this is during the reign of Marcus Aurelius, who had decreed that while Roman citizens who were Christian,

they would be quickly beheaded upon discovering their faith, non-citizens like slaves, they needed to be tortured first. So once Blandina was outed as a Christian, she was brought to the Amphitheater of the Three Gauls to be publicly tortured and killed. I love that name! Bring her to the Amphitheater of the Three Gauls! You got it, boss! Blandina's on the menu! Come on, y'all! Now be careful of them Gauls! They'll steal your fries if you're not paying attention! Yeah, and that's the biggest crime that happens at one of these activities. Well, in the arena, she was bound to the stake and the Romans

released wild animals, most likely lions or bears or dogs or what have you. And most of the imagery that you see of Blandina, it's lions. But the animals simply circled circle blandina and did nothing so she was thrown back in jail much to the chagrin of the audience taste like shit Sometimes maybe periods random away Maybe the periods ran them away. Maybe she's bleeding. Maybe them periods don't ran them away. You know what?

That's some good math, Caesarius. Sounds like something would come out of the mouth of the fucking inbred family in the time where I grew up. You do think that maybe the periods scared them? You don't know, they don't like, frisk me. Blandina! Well, a few days later, Blandina... You got them jellies?

Blandina, you got jellies today! A few days later, Blandina was brought back to the arena where she was whipped, placed on a red-hot grate, and enclosed in a net before being thrown to the mercy of an enraged bull. That finally killed her. But since she... Now that's how you kill a Blandina. Good work, everybody.

Good work! But since she had prayed to God during her first round in the arena and he'd saved her at least once, she became Saint Blandina. You know, he should save you all the way. Yeah. No, he never does. No, he really does. That's the whole point.

That's why they didn't eat her, because she was bland. They put a little pepper on her, a little salt, some garlic. Yeah, call me again when she's C-dina. You know what I mean? Oh man, pepper-dina? Pepper-dina, you get over here. That's her spicy sister from Mexico. No, it makes total sense that martyrdom became a central feature of early Christianity, because after all, the whole point of Jesus coming to earth was so he could be killed for the sins of humanity.

Not if you asked Jesus early on. He'd be like, maybe we could think about me just sort of doing this symbolically, huh? But while there were absolutely people who went to their deaths defiantly clinging to their Christian faith, people like Blandina, you're not going to have much stickiness if it's the same story over and over again. So, the lives and deaths of martyrs came to be greatly embellished with magic. Just like Christians embellish the history of Jesus with magic. And that's if there really was a guy 2,000 years ago who was simply walking around telling people to be nice to each other. That's cool and everything, but it's a better story if he's a wizard.

They actually are pretty certain that he was. I doubt did some research and I'm not, you know, I've had so many people call me an edgelord 14 year old for saying that Jesus didn't exist, but there is yet still actual proof that he existed. But there is a, you know, there's, there's some talk around it, but it seems like mostly was they were really confused about his ability to rile people up. Yeah. And he was definitely a human man with like a wife and like had a if that was all real like then that's what he was just some guy who's a rabbi. Yeah that's why Pontius Pilate famously came out and said, Hey, what's the cool loudmouth? Hey me, how I wanna do? Stupid name though Pontius.

Oh man don't you glad we don't got stupid names like Pontius no more? Not like me, my name's Carl-O-Glio. And me, Mr. Ding Dongs. Power of the Jerry Ding Dongs, ready to pierce the Christ. Now just as there were magical relics stemming from Jesus, like the Shroud of Turin, Fake! Pieces of the True Cross, Fake! And the Spear of Destiny,

Fake! The bones, ashes, and bloodstained clothing of saints have become magical objects too, and they're very real. And those are real. These were venerated in churches first in secret, then as tourist attractions for converts. Come see the bones of the boy saint, Sessianus, and toss a ducat into the plate on your way out. They talked about, it's true, it also fed the merchant world. They would have these, though it first would start as a secret worship place, then it would

become a public worship place where people would come and then they'd start selling. One of the most found artifacts of the day is these things that are little flasks that people would collect the saint oil with. They would point the, like exactly what I said, they would have a thing called like a rectory, I think it was called, I forgot what it was called, what they put the things in. It was like the ventilation box.

That's not rectory sounds, right. And they would collect it, but then they'd start selling the little flask. And then eventually a whole market would devolve right there. And they literally, the Saints became the first version of like Buc-E's Like big old traffic stops that you go big rest stops that you'd go with I should know that's what you need to do Get mother Teresa's bones put some money on the table. Oh, yeah

I don't think you can afford mother Teresa, but we probably get you some other little guy Honestly, I just need one and you see one bone Yeah, the reason why I want mother Teresa just because she's the most recent and it's all like, she's not the most recent saint. She is. There was that kid who just became a saint recently. Again, but they're all lies, dude. Yeah, but there was a there was like a 17 year old kid who just died and became a saint.

I just feel like in the end, I want to see a miracle on camera if we're doing this now. Well, you don't have to have a mirror. You have to have a miracle to be attached to you. With Mother Teresa, what they did was after the fact, after she died, is that some guy was like, I couldn't see before, and then I prayed to Mother Teresa's ghost, now I can see. And they're like, done, because she didn't work or whatever.

Oh my God, the latest saint, here's a kid, his name is Carlo Acutus. Oh, yeah, I bet. He's referred to as God's Influencer and the patron saint of the internet. Yep. What was his miracle? He was a computer whiz.

Was his miracle Taylor Swift's rise? He's the first millennial saint. What was his miracle? I don't think he had one. You have to have a miracle to be a saint I don't think you do you do I looked it up have to like you know that you have to have a miracle attributed to Bought his way in he was exactly he was a miracle power of money He was beatified in october of 2020 after the vatican officially recognized that he interceded from heaven in

2013 to save the life of a bra a Brazilian child who was suffering from a rare pancreatic condition That was science second Doctor did it second miracle a girl from Costa Rica suffered a serious head trauma after falling off a bike in Florence, Italy But recovered after the odds after her mother prayed at a cutis's tomb in Assisi. It just means yeah, that's fine They're not real miracles. He was a sissy It just means, yeah, that's fine. He's not real miracles. He was a sissy, huh?

He didn't fight. But in the same vein of, you know, like, martyrdom, the heroic displays helped convert people. Because if you're watching a person get ripped apart by wild dogs while basically singing Amazing Grace, you're going to be impressed on some level no matter who the fuck you are. Oh yeah. Yeah. Being a Christian in Roman society meant that you were basically cut off from everyone and

everything else. It meant the true definition of a cult that demanded you live a separate life from the rest of humanity at all times. Every house, marketplace, street, and tavern was filled with pagan idols, signs of Satan. Public events like festivals, sports, and theatrical performances, these were always associated with the gods, which, more Satan. You also couldn't serve in the military or public office, because all that was tied up in the gods as well.

You also couldn't be in any sort of like cultural profession, because that was also tied up in all the gods. And you might be asking yourself, how do the Jews fit in all this? Where's the Jews? Hey, Blandina, where's Jews at? Pre-Christians. Yeah, because after all, I mean, they were around for thousands of years before the Christians even thought about this shit.

Jesus was a Jewish man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But basically, it seems like Jewish people were grandfathered in because they just always sort of been around and they weren't all weird and pushy About their faith like the Christians were So yeah, yeah, that was basically it like they're a part of a fabric of society Yeah, basically like I were cool with them. They're cool with us. They don't bother us We don't bother them. Everything's cool, but then eventually would begin, you know, they're always were then persecuted in certain ways, of course

Yeah for sure, but they also there were trying to push their religion on anybody. No, they specifically don't have an evangelical arm Yeah Now the Romans started cooling it on the persecution of the Christians after the reign of Emperor Odysseus in the mid-third century Who came up with a sort of compromise? He decreed that all citizens of the Roman Empire Except the Jewish ones had to present themselves before the local magistrate and perform a sacrifice for the gods. After killing an animal in front of a local official, that magistrate would give you a certificate of compliance.

Some Christians did perform the sacrifice just to get the paper, but most of them just faked the paperwork, and that was deemed good enough, at least for a little while. Yeah, that's good. Honestly, I like the old-school red tape. And as a result, Christianity grew from an estimated 1 million followers to 6 million over the next 50 years, and by 300 AD, churches were prominent in major cities across the empire. Now, there was one final push during what was known as the Diocletian persecution, but Emperor Constantine the Great brought that to an end when he famously converted to Christianity and issued the Edict of Milan, which gave all Romans religious freedom.

Oh nice guy! Yeah! Is he really Constantine the Great? Yeah, that's what they call him. By me in terms of how great was he? Well you don't know man. Yeah, we absolutely know, We have a very good idea. So why is he great?

Well, yeah, because he made Christianity legal. He doesn't know. He doesn't fucking know. Holy Roman Empire, all that stuff. Make Constantine great again. I think. Yep. Yeah.

I think. But... I like putting him on the spot. Really grinding shit to a fucking halt. But during the time in between, after Romans decided Christians were a good scapegoat, but before Constantine made it safe to be a Christian for literally 1700 years now, a lot of Christians did die horrible deaths as a result of Roman policies. A select few however were remembered, and their stories were rewritten to include even

more magical properties than those written about in the New Testament, all to create the entities we now know as the Saints. Whoa, Constantine named Constantinople! He built it! That's an easy guess. Yeah, that's why it's called Constantinople. Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople. In-tem-ple, not Can-stan-t-o-ple In-tem-ple, not Can-stan-t-o-ple In-tem-ple, not Can-stan-t-o-ple

In-tem-ple, not Can-stan-t-o-ple She'll be waiting in Istanbul, even old New York Was once New Amsterdam Why they changed it, I can't say People just like it better that way Better that way Amazing, I'm very impressed God, I love that song

Now, our first saint today Now, our first saint today is St. Lawrence, died 258 AD. Larry, please. Yeah. Yeah, Lawrence was my father and he got burned to the stake by his ass. Leisure suit Lawrence. Leisure suit Lawrence He's the patron saint of cooks and comedians because he made a joke when he was being roasted alive by the Romans Now when Lawrence was a young man, he was friends with the future Pope Sixtus the second when Sixtus was crowned pope in

257 he named his buddy Lawrence the archdeacon of Rome the treasurer of the church and the keeper of the library of sacred books You know you could ask somebody better because I'm the kind of person that I looked all right You know I like to write new material every day I try to make sure that every time I go and they do a different bit everybody is a super entertain But what I do all right, that's me Larry. I would have assumed the patron saint of comedians would have been Jewish That same year though Christian comics. This is Jim Gaffigan's saint. Oh no. Yeah, this is the saint of Hotpockets material.

That same year though, the Roman Emperor Valerian told the Christian clergy to perform sacrifices to the Roman gods or face banishment. The year after that, he ordered the execution of all Christian leaders in the city and decreed that anyone else who didn't worship the Roman gods would be reduced to slavery. But I don't know if I'm the kind of guy who want me to be a slave I'm not gonna work very hard look at my hands very soft right I sweat it's hard for me I don't like being outside I like to be an insider, I need air conditioning, I need a nice little bench, I need a bunch of grapes you know what I mean like would come down to anything. You don't really want me to be in there being some guys' slave.

It's Saint Gleason. It's my Jackie Mason. I don't know why I started doing Jackie Mason the other day alone in my house. Cause he's fucking hilarious. Yeah, he's great. Now Pope Six is the second was captured and executed quickly, but before he died, he told Lawrence to collect the church's wealth and distribute it amongst the poor. Overhearing this request, Roman officials told Lawrence that he had three days to round

up the church's treasure and present it to the local prefect. And so, Lawrence assembled a thousand orphans, widows, virgins, lepers, and people with all manner of disabilities to the prefect's palace, and when he was ordered to present the treasures, he pointed to his poor sick huddled masses and said that they were the church's greatest treasures. It's called irony. It's kind of fun, right? In a way. I did this to know it's kind of a fun thing.

Wait, look at this, right? Oh, I said it's treasures because these people are all frowning, right? Everybody here, they suck, right? Everybody here, they're sick and no one wants to be around them, right? That's why I brought them, huh? You see what I'm doing? You're going to laugh. You're going to laugh about it. I hate him.

The Romans predictably were not amused. For his disobedience, Lawrence was scourged, branded, clubbed, stretched over the rack and torn with hooks. The most famous torture however came when Lawrence was cooked. Come on let's think about this. I ain't gonna think about this. I think we've already done enough. His body was placed on a gridiron, which was a new technology for the time. Oh, wow, this is new. I got that new gridiron smell. I love it. Absolutely love it.

And after he was roasted for a bit, he allegedly said, quote, Turn me over. I'm well done on this side. And that's why he's the patron saint of comedians. Come on, I saw you laugh. I saw you smile. The first rose! Yeah! I wish it wasn't like this. He supposedly survived and was able to baptize several other fellow prisoners before dying in jail. Turns out they didn't want me well done. That made me medium rare.

Come on, everybody. Come on. There's no reason to be upset. You seem to be frowning at me because my face is a sea of scars. Someone throw some water on Charlie. Our next saint, however, was not a simple archivist like Lawrence. Instead, he was a warrior, although he did seem to be somewhat slow-witted, or at the very least, easily influenced. His name was Saint Christopher, and he represents travelers, ferryboatmen, and bachelors. All the women in my family of Saint Christopher statues are like metals in their car to protect them when they're traveling.

Dude, he's the hot one. Yeah. Often, Christopher is invoked against nightmares, peril from water, and sudden death. But before he was baptized as Christopher, he had one of the worst names I've ever heard. Before he was Christopher, he was named Reprobus. Oh, God damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's Reprobus.

Reprobus? Reprobus. Reprobus. Hi. Hi. Hi, you know, hey, I'm a doctor. I work out five times a week and I have over $100,000 my 401k. My name's so attractive. Yes. My name is we're probis Johnson. Thank God. I also love to eat vomit. Yeah. Tell these baptized, he's Reprobus.

Yeah, because also I'm not calling on Christopher to save me. Yeah, because he honestly acts a lot more like a Reprobus than a Christopher throughout his journey. Now, depending on the source, it said that Reprobus was somewhere between 18 and 24 feet tall in a time when giants walked the earth. This is around 3rd century BC. It was said that Reprobus served the king of Canaan until he became disillusioned and decided that he wanted to serve the greatest king in all the world.

And so, after traveling for some time, he believed that he had found the greatest king, and so he pledged his service to him. That went all well and good until a minstrel appeared at court one day. Let's not blame the comedians, okay? We did this once. This guy, it's like, he's just a comedian. You can't have an opinion these days. Yeah, it was so hard to do comedy back then. Well, the minstrel performed a song and sang a verse that referenced the devil. And when the devil was mentioned, Reprobus saw the king and made the sign of the cross.

Reprobus, who was apparently quite brash, demanded that the king tell him what the sign of the cross meant and why he did it. The king said that when the name of the devil is uttered, he feared that the devil's power would overtake him, and thus he did the sign of the cross as a form of protection. This told Reprobus that this king was not the greatest in the land after all, so he left court to seek and serve the man the king feared, Satan himself. Fuck yeah! Yeah, of course!

I seek Satan! I will find Satan and I will work for him! I, Reprobus! Sorry, my own name. Yes, I'm sorry, I don't think I can hire Reprobus. But according to your resume, it seems to be going very well. I also hate the stupid cross thing that they do. It doesn't do anything.

It's fake. Now, your name is Reprobus. Have you thought about shoving things in people's asses? To be honest, I'm looking at your CV here. The first thing it says to me is that this guy loves to long-distance beg Well eventually Reprobus came across a group of Knights one of whom was a cruel and horrible man This cruel Knight asked Reprobus why he was traveling and Reprobus said I'm out looking for the devil What a coincidence the Knight said I'm the devil whoa the ultimate switcheroo dude

And so reprobus bound himself to Satan service. You just got yourself kissing a guy, man That's what that is. He just got picked up dude You know it's like if a woman asks you if you're God you say yes Yeah, I'm the devil Do that could have been anyone the idea of always kind of like the idea of like running into a first date And pretending to be a time traveler and saying you got a fuck because you gotta go back because the future's over and all the women Are illegal? Why it's good to fuck you that's the way you do is you gotta come in and with a character sometimes

Yeah, but one day is he and the devil were traipsing around the desert They came upon a cross and the devil immediately panicked and ran away. As sticks! And when asked why he had done this, the devil said that a very powerful man named Jesus Christ had once hung on a cross, and whenever he comes near a cross, he gets scared. So, Reprobus once again changed allegiance and began his search for Christ. The cross is how they killed him! I don't understand, so he fucking, yeah, he should love the cross, I never understood that.

And so Reprobus is gonna fucking, he's a fucking fair-weather friend, man! No, Reprobus is just, he's just looking for the most powerful guy. He's just jumping around! Mm-hmm. Now after a very long and boring story in which Jesus appeared as a child and made Reprobus carry him across a river... Carry me! I'm just a boy, my legs don't work, carry me across a river. Fooled you, I'm Jesus!

Ha ha ha ha! I'm turning piss into soda! Now suck my dick! Oh, I didn't know. Ha ha ha ha! After he carried him across the river, Jesus revealed himself. Hello! And gave Reprobus a magical

staff that would bear flowers and fruit when it struck the ground. Jesus then baptized Reprobus as Christopher. Your name is Christopher. Which means bearing Christ, because he carried Christ across the river. That's where the name Christopher comes from. And so, Christopher, with a brand new name, traveled to the city of Lycia to pray for and comfort Christians who were being killed by Romans. So Christopher is essentially like Christ's caddy?

That's all that means? It's a Christopher, yeah. He literally carried Christ across the river and bearing Christ means carrying Christ. Not because they didn't call him Jesus. It's also, you know, Jesus is also Jesus. Carried Christ across the river and bearing Christ means carrying Christ It's also you know, Jesus is also Jesus they can only be one Jesus you're gonna be one Jesus now there's not there's a Millions upon millions of men named Jesus. Yeah, that's later on when people got fucking lazy Now after visiting future martyrs in prison Christopher was attacked by the guards But of fighting them, he struck his magical staff into the ground, and when it bore fruits and flowers, everyone present converted to Christianity on the spot, and

everyone clapped. This was enough to impress a local warlord named King Dagnus who sent two knights to retrieve Christopher But when the Knights came back with Christopher, they'd also been converted along the way So King Dagnus told Christopher that if he didn't sacrifice something to the gods then and there he would be tortured and killed Christopher refused and the converted knights were beheaded, so King Dagnus sent two sisters named Nysia and Aqualina to see if they could tempt Christopher into having an incestuous three-way. Fuck yeah! So killing you didn't work. Have you ever thought about getting fucked by two hot chicks?

No, I actually haven't. But when they touched him, Christopher began praying it, Christopher began praying and the two sexy ladies were converted as well. Damn, man, he flipped two hoes? That's a shame, dude. You can't be losing hoes. Not just two sexy ladies, but two sexy sisters who were willing to go fuck a dude together. They were about to go all around the world?

Yeah, I guess they did need Christ. When the sexy sisters also refused to make sacrifices, a quillenna was hung and a heavy stone was tied to her feet which popped her limbs out of her sockets. None of these people were made saints by the way. No, Nyssaia was thrown on a fire then beheaded. Oh wow. And finally it was Christopher's turn. First he was brought before the king and beaten with red-hot burning iron rods. Then he was bound to an iron chair where a fire burned underneath. The seat supposedly melted like wax, but Christopher remained unhugged. Cummy, cummy, cummy, HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU The king then had him tied to a tree where he would be shot by 40 archers But the arrows all stopped in midair just before hitting him When the king advanced to investigate one of the arrows turned and shot the king in the eye

There's a bunch of arrows floating in the air you don't go up fucking Yeah, what is this fucking you know nothing about Daffy Duck? Christopher then said that after the king killed him he should anoint his blinded eye with Christopher's blood and it would be healed It's a little fun tip. Yeah Cuz he's a fucking saint yeah Yeah, Christopher was then beheaded but when the blood of reprobus was dabbed on King Dagnus his eye He could see again and the king converted to Christianity as well Wow what you know that's amazing. It worked Wow Wow Should it be D headed instead of be headed? Yeah, I actually wonder why it's not D headed Yeah, right English is a funny little language. It really is

You know cuz it's D nutted. Yeah, they think when they take your balls D nuts See we're having fun with language right now. Yeah, that's what he does. That's what I do by being a fucking moron One of the weird things about st. Christopher was not just that he was at least 18 feet tall, but that he's also often depicted as having the head of a dog. According to the Irish Passion of St. Christopher... Was that a fucking gay pornography about the Troubles? I bet you I can fuck this dog!

I bet you could! And I bet you I'd watch and I'd jerk and watch and I'd... I'd... Who said that the Catholic and the Protestant can't come together? Alright, one, two, three, come! Oh, I can't come unless I'm thinking of me mother. And she will raise you up on eagle's wings. According to the Irish Passion of Saint Christopher, he came from a dog-headed race that ate human flesh and had tusks like a wild boar.

This however isn't the only place that dog-headed men show up in religion and myths from this time period. You've got the Egyptian god Anubis, thousands of years before that. Jason and the Argonauts, they fought dog-headed men, and Alexander the Great claimed to have fought dog-headed men in India. But what's incredible about St. Christopher is that his representation as a dog-headed man might come from a mistranslation. See, Christopher was from Canaan, meaning he was a Canaanite.

The Latin word for Canaanite is Cananius, while the Latin word for dog is Cananus. So it could be that someone just wrote down the wrong fucking word, and all of a sudden you got a dog-headed giant as one of your most popular and well-known sub-characters in your religion. Shit like this used to happen all the time. You know, dogs got a good sense of direction. You've seen Benji. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Homeward Bound. For the Traveler. Yeah, Homeward Bound. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, dogs are good for that. White Fang, you know, they're always traveling. Yeah, that one old yeller whacked him.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he was traveling straight to his death. Now while Christopher became popular because he was the patron saint of travelers and almost everyone travels, our next- They're definitely not driving. No. The key is to make sure if you're a traveler, and that's how you know you can tell the police officers that you're traveling, that you have the St. Christopher thing up there and you cannot be arrested because you're not operating your motor vehicle in a business aspect.

Our next saint became popular because of a plague, and in the process also became sort of a gay icon to boot. Okay That would be st. Sebastian. So st. Sebastian was H o t t o g o. Oh, we're gonna get into a bro Now Sebastian was a soldier who joined the Roman military in the mid third century as a secret agent So he could be of service to Christians who were being Persecuted by Romans a closeted Christian. Whoa, if you will very sexy Well in the military Sebastian was promoted to the praetorian guard of the Emperor I bet All while secretly converting and baptizing other soldiers and civilians. With my own special homemade white wine.

It's thick! Hope you like the aftertaste. It's more of a syrup than a wine. Yeah, it's more of a glop. Don't put it in your pussy. Unless you want a little baby Sebastian. But his cover was blown when two twin Christian brothers named Marcus and Marcellian were imprisoned for, again,

refusing to make a sacrifice to the Roman god. You did it. I know Marcus is an ancient name. Oh yeah, very much so. Marcus Aurelius. Wow. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah.

Marcus is the most Roman name there is. Yeah, Mark Anthony. He's probably Marcus. That's Mark. Wow there is. Yeah, Mark Anthony. He's probably Marcus. That's Mark. Wow, yeah. Yeah. There's not more Roman names. Marcus is pretty much up there.

You're going to see any Eddies. No, but we came around and once we got to Europe, you know, Eddie started popping up. Edward did, yeah. And Henry. Yeah, Murray won't continue. I'm sorry I did this. I'm sorry I did this to us. Well Marcus and Marcellian's pagan parents tried to get them to renounce Christianity,

but Sebastian actually talked them into accepting the fate of their sons by converting the parents to Christianity as well. To sell them on it, Sebastian said that he would endure torture and death to show Marcus and Marcellian how to give their lives for Christ. But it actually kind of ended up working backwards. Yeah, he didn't want to show how he could bottom for Christ. Just take it. See before Marcus and Marcellian were killed, Sebastian went on a bit of a converting spree

which led to his capture. A woman named Zoe, married to a Roman official, had been mute for six years, and Sebastian supposedly cured her by simply making the sign of the cross which that don't make any fucking sense to me because that's a miracle which is something only God and Jesus is supposed to be able to do. But the reason why they are so the reason why they miracles have to be attributed is because it has to show that they were chosen specially by God and that they worked that God it's not them doing them miracles it's God doing it through them and so that's and Jesus was supposed to be the ultimate

example of you're destroying the avatar of God that I've brought to you to open it up because the whole point of the Jesus sacrifice is that he then opens heaven for us Right said everybody can go to heaven. It's not just angels It's not the most pure is that everybody can go if they follow the way of Christ This is kind of the same thing as that he has to go through he has it's about being the middle man Yeah, and when I also think he just asked her a question for the first time because he's the only gay man that she's ever met Was flogged and he didn't bleed, that was the first miracle whip. Something's wrong with this whip. What's wrong with this damn whip?

Like, you're all just whipping each other. Ow! But Zoe's conversion caused a whole cascade of conversions amongst local Roman authorities, which caused an equally strong backlash. Zoe was the first to be arrested, caught praying at the grave of st. Peter She confessed to being a Christian and in probably the worst death out of all these She was hung by her hair over a smoking pile of shit until she choked to death on the fumes I mean that sounds nice

When your Julie has to deal with it She has to go into the bathroom. We do this thing now where she sits on my lap when I shit. Married life. Married life is amazing. I love chicken and the egg in it. That's what we call it in our house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the chicken.

She's making the eggs. Yeah, can you sneak one through? Ultimate gatekeeping. From there, the Christians that Sebastian converted, they were killed one by one. They were stoned to death, one was drowned at sea with rocks tied around their necks, one was made to walk across hot coals before being beheaded, and a few of them were just burned alive. And as far as Marcus and Marsalinius went, their feet were nailed to a tree stump, and after they prayed all night to be saved, they were stabbed with spears when the sun came up.

Sebastian, of course, was saved for last. The emperor he served, Diocletian, was particularly angry that one of his own guard had betrayed the Roman Empire so thoroughly. This is especially since Diocletian was at that time presiding over the biggest and bloodiest persecution of Christians in history. So Sebastian was bound to a tree where he would be pelted with dozens of arrows. Once the archers did their duty, Sebastian's body was sent to resemble a sea urchin, and he was left to die full of Arabs. Once the archers did their duty, Sebastian's body was said to resemble a sea urchin, and he was left to die full of arrows.

But when a Christian went to retrieve Sebastian's body for burial, she found that he was still alive. The Christian brought him home where he recovered, but he still couldn't just fucking chill out. He stood at a staircase where he knew the Emperor would pass, and when Diocletian showed up, Sebastian started heckling him. Stink ass bitch! Stink ass bitch don't know shit! Stink ass a bitch! For a moment, the Emperor supposedly thought that maybe there was something to this Christianity

thing after all. I like this energy. But after waving that away the Emperor said nah fucking kill him. So his soldiers beat Sebastian to death with cudgels and threw his body in the sewer. No fixing that. The location of his body appeared to another woman in a dream who retrieved the body and buried him where supposedly the Basilica of Sebastian now stands. Bury me at the Sephora.

But how Sebastian became a gay icon goes back to the days of the Black Plague. See arrows have been associated with the plague since antiquity, when Apollo sent plague-tipped arrows to punish the sins of Agamemnon. Likewise, the Bible uses arrows as a metaphor when God unleashes plagues upon humanity. But since Sebastian was on the receiving end of many arrows and survived, it was said that he could petition God on behalf of those infected with the plague. And since there were so many devastating plagues, Sebastian became a very popular figure in Europe. Therefore, when the Renaissance came about, St. Sebastian was a popular subject for many paintings and frescoes. But, for some reason,

and this is how he came to be a gay icon, because no, Henry, Sebastian himself was not gay, Sebastian was invariably portrayed as a nude or semi-nude handsome young man with a perfectly sculpted and bound body Giving off a general sense of ecstasy and sensualism Basically all of his paintings look like a guy who's just about to come during a BDSM session My question is is that do you think on some level? They would masturbate to this material like I mean genuine question some level who would masturbate to the material the monks

that make the paintings like the people that these are specifically don't masturbate these are no you're no this is Renaissance painters this is Renaissance this is not monks this is Renaissance. This is not monks. This is Renaissance. This is like fucking the the master Making him sexy. Yeah, are we not like then jerking off at it because is this not what porno was? I mean they make him sexy to be good like him Jude Law like the sexy Pope What kind of the point was is that you could jerk off to him? Wow, like you could jerk off to a painting of st. Sebastian That's how sexy and homoerotic paintings of Saint Sebastian were. But do they? Well, the

thing is that Saint Sebastian was a favorite of Oscar Wilde. Yes. Oscar Wilde used Sebastian's name as a pseudonym when he was exiled to Paris after serving two years in prison in England simply for being gay. Keith Haring also used like Saint. Sebastian's imagery, but St. Sebastian really became important in the gay community during the worst of the AIDS crisis when a plague was indeed wiping out their community. And while he has somewhat fallen out of fashion, he still remains extremely important to some of the people who survived those times. Yeah, cuz he's sexy. Yeah, and also- He's sexy and fun, and and he did, you know, that was his whole thing.

Yeah, and he protected against plagues. So you know when- He didn't. Medicine did. More could have died. Yeah. No. No.

Black Plague killed as many as it could. It really did its best. I think that medicine stopped, well, AIDS, in terms of working on that. Yeah, I wouldn't say it was the Saint Sebastian, but it it was a comfort. Yeah people, you know, like many Saints are Oh, yeah, that's why I fucking prayed the fucking Noid No, that is your saint. Oh, yes. Oh the Noid is my saint the Noid Yes, say it the Noid of Assisi. Yeah Saint the Noid of Assisi. The Saint the Noid of Appipee is one of my favorite saints.

Now while Saint Sebastian is known as the sexy saint, our next one, Saint Lucy, somewhat lies on the other side, as she's often invoked against eye diseases, hemorrhages, and the bloody flocks, AKA dysentery. So she's hideous. Well, she's alt. She's alt. Okay. She is, however, also the patron saint of sex workers, as well as the patron saint of

blind people and ophthalmologists. That's a lot to cover. It really is. So many of these saints cover like nine or 10 different things. Did mean charge of all sex workers and ophthalmologists It's a fun conference Yes, I'd like to see my sex worker better I've been paying my wife for sex. I love how you use your mother tongue.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it was right there. Lucy was born to a noble family in Syracuse, Sicily at the end of the third century. God, even Sicily has a Syracuse. God, don't go to fucken Albany, Italy. The great Syracuse of the soul. And she was raised by her mother after her father died young. Her mother, however, had the bloody flux, which is so named because its symptoms include bloody diarrhea.

Flux meaning flow. We know. Bloody flow. From your butt. With all the feces. Yeah shit fuck My hemorrhage is so bad. I had to rename my toilet to Sandy Hook You like that are you happy with that audience? We're gonna keep it in Give it in because we want to because we want to and because the Sandy Hook parents one

And then he gave it in because we want to. Because we want to. And because the Sandy Hook parents won, it was extremely real. And the Sandy Hook parents won because they bought Infowars. No, we say this on the day that Infowars officially went off air. The Onion bought it! Wow. My god. Interesting time.

Very much so. So, thinking that she was about to die, Lucy's mother arranged for her daughter to be married to a wealthy pagan family to ensure her future, even though both of them are Christians. You should never hear that anymore, wealthy pagan family. Where's the old money pagans? Where would the wealthy pagan families be today? I don't know. In the meantime, though, Lucy and her mother made a pilgrimage to visit the shrine of St.

Agatha, who died 50 years earlier after she was stretched on the rack and her breasts were ripped off with tongs. About time. Get some breasts ripping. We're getting there. Yeah, we're getting there. How many saints can we talk about without ripping off breasts? Well apparently, miracles happen at the shrine of St. Agatha and after a night of praying

Lucy's mother... No more bloody diarrhea! I found a cork! Sorry I just thought about that Sandy Hook joke again. Yeah yeah yeah. It's in there. But again in this, it's activism. But now that her mother was no longer in mortal danger, Lucy confessed that since she was

a young girl, she'd wanted to remain a Christian virgin all her life. And since her mother had been cured by God, they should likewise give away all their wealth to the poor. This is why there's no more wealthy pagan families. Lucy's mother said, sure, why the fuck not. So they started redistributing their stuff to the huddled masses. But when Lucy's betrothed pagan heard that his dowry was being given away, he got a little huffy and told the governor of Syracuse that Lucy was a secret Christian.

This got Lucy arrested and interrogated, and when she again refused to burn a sacrifice, the governor of Syracuse sentenced her to be defiled in a brothel where she would become a sex slave to disabuse her of any notion of remaining a Christian virgin. But when the guards tried to remove her, she allegedly became heavier than a boulder, and she still wouldn't move even after they hitched her to a team of oxen. So they figured, fuck it, let's just burn her right here, right now. Can we fuck her first? But when the wood was set aflame, Lucy didn't burn.

She was finally killed when a sword was thrust through her throat though, which really does seem to be the secret weakness of any saint, because God for some reason just can't fucking deal with neck injuries There's something about it. He doesn't like happen helping the neck It's hard to kill a lesbian That's what I heard That's what I heard from my father. That's what I heard from my grandfather. That's what I heard from my baseball coaches But as time went on lucy's legend evolved to include for some reason torture by eye gouging

Lucy's legend evolved to include, for some reason, torture by eye gouging. It was said that Lucy foresaw the end of Christian persecution, and she said this to the governor of Syracuse, so he had her eyes removed. Other accounts, however, are far more dramatic. In one form of the story, Lucy greatly overreacted after a suitor commented on the beauty of her eyes. After this seemingly innocuous comment, Lucy cut out her eyeballs and sent them to the suitor in a package and said, please leave me alone.

Ooh, Lucy's brat. You would have to pre-address that, you know, obviously. It's going to be difficult to stay with that in my mailbox. Yeah, you can't wander outside of your house with your fucking eyes, but, because somebody mailed this for me! I didn't think about this through! Wander outside your eye your house with your fucking eyes But the miracle was that even without eyes Lucy could still supposedly see Another of the female Saints is St. Catherine of Alexandria, who lived and died around the

same time as Lucy. Also born to a noble family, Catherine was intelligent, educated, and beautiful, and was known to say that she would only marry a man who surpassed her in nobility, wealth, comeliness, and wisdom. Okay. So she was the saint of standards? Mm-hmm. So, Catherine's mother, a secret Christian, brought her daughter to a hermit who lived

in a cave, which I'm discovering was kind of a common trope in early Christianity. Because there was a whole side quest in St. Christopher's story that involved a hermit as well. They viewed that as the, that is the local holy man. That's kind of what they're talking about. Somebody that was specifically so, you know, just so in tune with Christ So they became like sort of an aesthetic. Yeah, and he had to you know live outside of town. Yes Yeah hide and so and so hermits were the first people that realized what assholes were. Yeah

They were the first one to say fuck all y'all. Yeah But this hermit was supposed to solve the problem of how Katherine was going to find a guy that met her standards So he gave her an image of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus Where's the hermit going? The hermit's not going where all the single guys are So he gave her an image of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus and told Katherine to pray to the image concerning her heart's desire So you think that baby Jesus is gonna make sure your coochie gets fucking filled? Well, baby Jesus is gonna give sure your coochie gets fucking filled? Well, baby Jesus is gonna give you an answer.

One way or another. Where is my daddy? Why isn't he here? Daddy's got a big old dick. He fucked mommy until she forgot he existed. What Catherine did as she was told, and much to her surprise, the Virgin Mary appeared, holding the baby Jesus. And the Virgin Mary told baby Jesus to behold Catherine to see how fair and virtuous she

was. She's fuckable! Unimpressed, the baby Jesus turned his head away and rejected Catherine. BLEEEEEEEH! This is a spit-hole. He never does this. Jesus, we came here all the way from the afterlife. Puzzled, Catherine returned to the hermit who introduced her to Christianity.

And that same evening, the Virgin Mary and Jesus appeared again, except this time Jesus was a guy. Yep. Full grown man. Oh yeah, because all he did was have to look at her once. And he gave Catherine a ring as a token of her betrothal to him. How much you want to bet this is just a hermit? Just dressing up as Jesus Christ. He's got a local hooker helping him doing the Virgin Mary stuff. Slipping her some fucking shrooms.

Oh yeah dude. And it was a nuva ring. You're gonna want to put this in your pussy. But unluckily for Catherine, the Roman Emperor Maximian just happened to be in town, and he asked Catherine for her hand in marriage. When she refused, saying she was a bride of Christ, the emperor condemned her to death by breaking on the wheel. This method of torture, now known as the Catherine Wheel, after St. Catherine, was quite popular in the Middle Ages. First, the executioner would drop a big, heavy wheel on the victim to break their bones. Then the victim was tied to the wheel

where the remaining unbroken bones would be broken with the club. Then the ragged limbs that were all broken would be intertwined into the wheel spokes. And then the person would be left there for hours or days until they finally died of their wounds or of thirst Very very very bad way to die It's one of the worst ones Yeah, I still think that crucifix is pretty bad too because you drown in your own blood Yeah, and you said the one where the lady was hung over the flaming shit was real bad

But the other one seemed worse to me where they tied the rock to her legs and that just like stretched out her bones I do think that's worse, too But again, there's a meme that I've seen that but the first couple of seconds of that probably feel great Oh, yeah for a little bit. Mm-hmm Well in Roman times the wheel was usually reserved for slaves and Christians So it was the wheel that Catherine was sent to but But miraculously, the wheel broke at Catherine's touch. Whoa! So the customary beheading was ordered.

Yeah, a lot for fucking head off. But this time, in what sounds like a visual from a fucking Ari Aster movie, Catherine's body flowed not with blood when it was beheaded, but with a stream of milk. Oh, milk! It's milk! Everybody get your bowls!

Catherine, by the way, was one of the three voices who spoke to Joan of Arc. Wow! Another one of Joan's spirit friends was Saint Margaret of Antioch, the patron saint of pregnant women, servant maids, and sufferers of kidney maladies, as well as being a protector against diabolical infestations. Oh wow, thanks Joan. No, that's Margaret. Does she also shoot milk? No dude.

No, she's lame. It's not the same man. She didn't even do it out of the titties which is the fun way to shoot milk. She did it out of her head. Technically out of her neck. Yeah. If her head was still attached, would have came out of her nose. Someone said something funny.

It's all right though. Got to be careful. If her head was still attached, what came out of her nose? Someone said something funny. It's alright though. Gotta be careful. Like Catherine, Margaret was lusted after by a Roman official, but was thrown in jail for being a bride of Christ. Margaret was then tied to a stake and tortured by being beaten with rods and iron combs to rend and draw out her flesh from her bones. After remaining defiant about her faith, she was taken

down and placed in a cell where she prayed to God to reveal the enemy who was fighting her. At that moment Satan arrived as a dragon and swallowed her whole, but when Margaret blessed herself the dragon split in two. Awesome! That's like Evangelion! When he's inside, when he goes inside the creature. Don't spoil it too much. I'm watching You haven't seen every guy. I know but I'm still you never seen the og series of Evan Gulley It's so much to go through it is it's a lot to go through I'm really surprised you haven't watched all of it and we talk

It's we're friends. There's a bit of a barrier at times. Yeah. Yeah, that idea. No, no, no, no, with me watching the show. And me. When they bring the penguin in. It's called fan service, and they're making fun of fan service. Are they? Yeah, that's the idea. Pen Pen is making fun of fan service. Is that what it is? It's meta.

Fuck Abigail. It's also, I just can't, I can't stand to hear a boy whine when you get to the end it's good cool I like the 20 hours, but I am NOT as good I don't like I don't like the boy whining either, but I like it towards the end Okay, well Satan then appeared in the likeness of a man who tried to deceive Margaret She however saw through the disguise flung Satan to the ground, and stomped on his neck. Yes please.

And when she took her foot away, the earth opened and Satan returned to hell, while Margaret was beheaded the next day and sent to heaven. Oh well, I guess that's good. She literally saved earth from Satan three times. But it's said that since Margaret's story is so fantastical, what with the dragon and all, her feast day was removed from the Roman Catholic calendar in 1969. Matt Reeves is a good director, but he's ruined everything. Nothing, everything has to be grounded.

It could also be, however, that the Catholic Church, none too fond of women, weren't that comfortable with a super aggressive female saint. Can't say that for sure, though. Who knows. But when it comes to legacy, one of the more interesting saints is our last today. That would be Saint Barbara. Oh, yeah. The patron saint of architects, firemen, and miners, who is predictably invoked against explosions, fire, lightning, and sudden death. Honestly, if you have time to pray to Saint Barbara before an explosion, you should be running

Barbara also lights all the explosions with cigarettes. Yeah Yeah, give me a carton of menthols Again, she was a beautiful young maiden hailing from either Lebanon or Turkey probably Lebanon So beautiful was Barbara that her father hid her away So no man could see her beauty and her only contact with the outside world was with her pagan tutors. Who are not going to be the horniest people in the face of the planet than pagan tutors? They don't even have to worry about keeping their jobs! Tutors are paid by the hour!

That's a gig work! Now there are many sources that all have a different answer on how Barbara was introduced to Christianity, but like all the other converts, she liked what she heard from someone and weird shit started happening after she accepted the Christian faith. Her father became enraged when he discovered she was a Christian, but when he drew his sword to murder his child on the spot, she ducked the blade and fled the tower in disguise to hide in a cave in the surrounding mountains. Have you ever tried that when you're getting like, you know, it is bad.

You ever run from your dad? Yeah. Before you get the fucking spanking or whatever and then it always makes it worse. You realize that while you might be a quick small thing he's a large fast thing. Yeah, he's big. Yeah. He's big. Well, you want me to talk about when my dad hit me? Honestly, I'm already bored.

While she was in the mountains, she was found and ratted out by a shepherd. Barbara later cursed the shepherd by turning his sheep into locusts and turning the man himself into stone. Kazam! Barbara was dragged back to the city and handed over to the local magistrate, who sentenced her to death by beheading if she didn't renounce her fate. When she said no, she was flogged with rawhide and her wounds were rubbed with hair cloth to increase the pain. But each night she'd pray to Jesus, and he'd appear to heal her wounds so she could go through the whole thing all over again

the next day Alongside Barbara, however was another Christian woman, Juliana And together their bodies were raked and wounded with hooks before they were led naked through the city amidst cheers and hecklers When it finally came time to execute the two women, however, the magistrate gave the honor to Barbara's father, who, with a swing of the axe, beheaded his daughter in a public forum. Every father's dream. But at that moment, a crack of thunder was heard, and Barbara's father was struck by lightning, immediately reducing him to ashes.

Yeah, fucking dead, he got blown up! That's fun as hell. But he did behead her before he blew up. Very much so, yeah. Now because of this lightning strike, Barbara is invoked against thunder, lightning, and accidents from explosions involving gunpowder, as well as violent workplace accidents of any kind. Oh wow. Slip and falls. Yeah, she really is. She's the patron saint of slip and falls.

But that's also how Barbara became the patron saint of artillerymen and miners The most interesting legacy of Barbara however comes from Lebanon where st. Barbara's day was turned into a version of Halloween See in the local version of the story st Barbara evaded Roman officials by dressing in a costume when she hid in the hills before the Shepherd found her don't tell anybody But I'm a taco. So on December 3rd, the day before the local annual feast day, children in costumes roam neighborhoods screaming, Hush-oo-lee-yay, Barbara!

Telling Barbara to run away while replicating her escape. That's cute. They then go door to door collecting sweets and money in exchange for a song or a bit of dancing accompanied by a tambourine or hand drum And if the host gives a good treat the kid will sing a song to compliment them. I like your treat I thank you so much Please don't cut my clitoris off. But if the treat sucks, the kid will end their song with an insult and run away. Yeah.

You're fat. That's it, that's all I have. But perhaps where Barbara is most popular is in Poland, where they hold a feast in her honor that has the most Polish name I've ever heard, Barborka. Happy Barborka to you! Have you fondled your grandmother's breasts? Happy Barborka! It is the season for big heathen bosoms to be found laying in soup.

You have barely touched your woman pie. It's in the shape of a giant. Filled with pork corks. Sweet sweet Baborka. We get five weeks off. I love Baborka season. Baborka revolves around miners, like the people who mine. Not the children. Not the children, no. They're also miners, like the people who mine. Oh, not the children. Not the children, no.

But they're also miners. Yes, they are. Well, mining as a profession was... I meant like, the workers. They're working, okay? They get paid almost five dimes a year in whatever they're moving. Oh, you've seen this? Wow, it's just a shirt that says, I love Baborka.

Wow, look at this. Say Baborka's good, wow. Continue on, I'm looking at pictures of Baborka. Wow, look at this. Saint Baborka is his love. Continue on, I'm looking at pictures of Baborka. Well, mining as a profession was held in high regard in Poland, especially during the Soviet years, because coal, yes, it had high value, but being a miner was among, if not the most

dangerous jobs one could have. You were the worker amongst the workers. And so, to celebrate the patron saint of miners, Barborca began with a mass followed by a parade where each mining company would have their own marching band, accompanied by ranks of miners and their ceremonial mining uniforms specific to each company. Additionally, each company would sing their own distinctive mining anthem. The festivities would continue throughout the day, culminating in a firework show at night and a gathering in which miners would divide themselves into teams based on age and rank. They would then roast battle with songs.

And if your roast or your song was bad, you had to either drink salty beer or you were put in actual stocks where people roasted you further. And this was all done by the Carxmi Pruini or Loosely translated the Brewers Lodgings. So this is like what this is like dude club stuff Yeah, so the minor groups get together and that's just all they do all night is they raise hell and they get drunk and they Play pranks on each other. Yep. It's something a blast. They scream the word bar You know, it honestly sounds like a lot of it sounds very interesting I'm looking this nice because it's like because how important petroleum is to the pole petroleum and salt Yeah to the Poland's economy. Yeah. Yeah and

Yeah, they they say they they hold miners in high regard yeah crack out there's a a salt mine that you can go down into that's apparently a gorgeous they like built a whole like kind of a Chapel down there was be really fucking cool, but I got claustrophobia, so I couldn't go is there a difference between like like fresh salt What do you mean you got fresh off you went down to the salt mine and you got some fresh ass So I think salts the same I think so, but I don't know Keep them good for a very long period of time. Yeah, but I wonder if there's different levels of quality of salt I think so. Yeah, I figured you know this

I know those types of salt, but I don't know whether or not if it's fresh salt like you don't really want freshly brewed beer It's gross. No, I guess not. I don't know. I never I would have no idea. They have the born on date I know that for beers, you know is that was a big one for a while in the early 2000s. Yeah, I remember that Yeah, yeah, and you wanted a fresh one. Yeah, you don't want cuz the old ones was skunky Yeah, sometimes have you left them in the back the bad fridge. Mm- Yeah. And you wanted a fresh one. Yeah. You don't want cause the old ones was skunky. Yeah. Sometimes if you left them in the back, the bad fridge, they'd get skunky. Eat shit. Just so happy. Cause I remember skunky beer played such a huge role in my life for a very

long time. It really was. Skunky beer was a part of my life and then it just stopped. I don't know why. It's not not the beer got bad. You got successful Beer drink it. Yes, you are well. I guess I'd be Modelo's yeah. Yeah, I guess it's that Reben box Yeah, you can't take them in and out of the fridge. Yeah, and you can't drive with them anymore. No. No yeah Yeah, I went to the Nalek stealing keystone light from farmers trucks like we used to do That should get skunky because you had to hide it. Yeah, and you can drink it at school. Yeah, you could Couldn't drink it until the weekend. You steal on Tuesday drinking on Saturday. This is gonna keep here where uncles get together and talk shit then about things that no one remembers. Anybody remembers skunk beer? You're at red dog beer. We made the course drive. We start

naming all of the specific beers that we have. This is officially, this is what you asked for. We're having our own barbarca here, aren't we? So while these are just a few of the stories of the saints, we'll certainly be bringing you another installment in the future that covers the saints of the Middle Ages, when shit gets really weird. Because the old days, they used to vote, the community used to canonize, and it used to be more informal. But then as the church got involved, when canonization actually became an official process,

that's when, as it always does does it becomes like Nefo babies essentially But if the Saints show you anything whether it be with the Mormons the Scientologists or the Catholics The key to growing a cult into a religion is always to have solid bonus content Yes, always expand. Yeah. Yeah, always expand your universe. You need a patreon Yeah, the Cimmerillian the thesaurus Yeah, that expands the dictionary, right? We've learned nothing Nothing we went through so much here today and we're not better for it. Yeah, I want to say thank you so much for being here

That's right, because without you being here. We can't make our own future religion Mmm, I think it's huge for us. I've been you know ruminating on it. Yeah, we should How do we get canonized? Oh Man, you have to sell the catalog. What if we lied at the church? Oh Yeah, and try to get in I mean I've been lying to the church ever since I started going yeah No, yeah They say one confess like twice a week and I'm like I didn't sin yet. Yeah, so I just start lying about sins Yeah, got you creative certain thinking about you know. Oh, that's a great sin. Yeah, I should do that. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds fun

They were not happy when I started asking about dinosaurs. Oh, they got real mad about that Oh, it's not it wasn't just a Bill Hicks bed Like it was they get really angry when you fucking ask about dinosaurs and you're six years old It's a lot dinosaurs you're talking about it is like, okay So there all the animals that was the dinosaurs and then you get in trouble for asking questions It's like you were and all of a sudden you're the kid with a big mouth Oh, that's how it is If you were a good-ass priest you would improv your way to and fold it in fold it in help You know, that's the idea you go like, oh, yeah sure dinosaur

they Angels yeah, my Sunday school teacher wasn't ready for that. Regina was not ready for that question Yeah, well, she should have just told you they tossed him in on Noah's Ark. Everyone knows that yeah, who knows? Yeah, then they drowned them Dinosaurs when the flood came Noah did it see it's so important to learn says he's a good guy But he fucking drowned the dinosaurs when the flood came. Noah did it. See, it's so important to learn. Yeah, but it says he's a good guy, but he fucking drowned the dinosaurs. It's all he wanted to do. He's a murderer.

He... The dinosaurs are the Natalie Woods of the Bible. Patreon.com slash last podcast and left. Speaking of DLC, you can get all of our extended adventures on the Patreon. We got BTS. We have live streams. Come see all of our fucking bullshit and shit on there. It's like you watch us wiggle around on there. extended adventures on the patreon we got BTS we have live streams come see all of our fucking bullshit and shit on there it's like you watch us wiggle

around on there go to LP on the left for all of our socials take tag and Instagram and go to last podcast left.com we are going to be doing live shows we're out there we have so many fucking live shows coming December 7th December 7th is a big one in New York. King's theater. I can't fucking wait and not wait Yes, and then after that we're gonna be in Atlanta in January and then Dallas in February Nashville in March Detroit in April on 418 two days before 420 On May 3rd will be in Toronto But next week next Saturday Henry and I are gonna be with Billy Wayne Davis doing Side Stories Live.

Can't wait. At the Mateel Community Center in Humboldt. Yeah, we're going to be fucking have the goal is to make sure we can perform Eddie. I know because Billy Wayne right before he sent me a bar before the show. I was like, can it be after the show? Yeah, I don't think we should do a dab bar and then attempt to perform. I feel like we're going to forget to do the show. Yeah, I don't think we should do a dab bar and then attempt to perform I feel like we're gonna forget to do the show I'm not gonna do my fifth dab ever and then get on stage. No, it's frightening

I did it a podcast with Frank Castillo There was the we he did it all with dabs and it was one of those where it's like 45 minutes in and it's like Yeah, what I know I'm like, you know when you've been talking for so long Yeah, and they're all looking at you and it's like what in the living fuck if I've been saying 45 minutes. Well, Frank's a psychopath. I've seen him drink a hundred milligrams and then go on stage and do 30 minutes He's got to be careful. I don't know what's going on. That's taking the joy out of it. He's literally dabbing and shit So you yeah, exactly. You have to yeah, you gotta live your life I love dabbing but that's for when I'm finally not talking to anyone. Yeah, yep

Give it up to you Barbara Beach boys they know beach boy. There is no beach boys Boys, they know beach boy. There is no beach boys Take my freedom away. It's honestly it bear in your big whale of a bellybutton! Barborga...