Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Halloween Ham

Starting point is 00:00:00 There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. Sign stories? Yes, I love your glaze. That's when the cannibalism started. SIGN STORIES. Yes.

Starting point is 00:00:13 Oh, yes! Ah, yas. I'd like to start today's episode by saying I love Puerto Rico. Yeah, it's wonderful. And I think it's nice. I went to V8 case. And all I hope. I saw all the horses.

Starting point is 00:00:33 And I pray that you invite us to Puerto Rico to do an island. We could just go. Let's just go. I mean, it's wonderful. Now that I'm even thinking about it, I don't even... If they want to show, sure. I don't want to show no, you're right. I'm immediately over the idea of doing a show I just want to do a vacation. I'm gonna go to Puerto Rico. Oh, hold that work the poor whole that work Oh, it is so good. Of course. It's good. It's so they have so many extra piggies and then the the horses of the eight case

Starting point is 00:01:02 They're great, but they're not like, you know, wild. They're more homeless. Horses. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Horses? Sometimes choose it. Sometimes horses choose it.

Starting point is 00:01:13 Yeah. OK? Sometimes there's nothing you could do for a horse that's homeless because they have decided on this. Yeah, wild horses don't eat trash. I don't know. You never know.

Starting point is 00:01:23 They're not offered any. Yes. So who knows what they'd be a case It's the most beautiful place I've been ever. This is our Halloween episode So that's the first thing I wanted to talk about was Puerto Rico and horses Second thing I want to talk about nay is the power of the dead. Oh my god What happened are there more dead people that we need to talk about every day? You know, we were looking through the stories today and it was a brutal week

Starting point is 00:01:46 It's a very brutal Halloween a shweek. Nothing spooky just sheer brutality and all I gotta say is thanks America Yeah, yeah, but before we get into it first first what welcome to side stories. Welcome to side story My name is Andrew Zabrowski. I'm your host I'm sitting here with the other person that I would say is co-host. Yes, my breasts are yearning for you. That's Ed Larson. My name is Ed Larson. Hi. Hello.

Starting point is 00:02:16 Get, get, get, get, get, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. My Halloween music. Yeah. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Actually, my favorite Halloween song is could you look in the mirror. In the mirror. That's your favorite Halloween song is That's your favorite Halloween song, I mean all Michael Jackson music is Halloween music now, of course I mean like, you know, it's terrifying because you never know what song can you imagine what song he played before each time You want in there? No, yeah Dangerous probably probably no, another part of me, which is what the boys said to him, touch another part of

Starting point is 00:02:50 me, not this one. Another scary, scary moment. Dirty Dianna! On Side Stories. She's covered in shit. Now, Eddie, you wanted to plug something at the very top. We got a show on Saturday in Los Angeles at the Wiltern last podcast on the left is going to be at the Wiltern this Saturday doing our fucking big

Starting point is 00:03:10 ass show. And we definitely didn't forget that there was a massive show in Los Angeles two days after Halloween. It was hilarious. And there are months at our weekly meeting. I was like, so Saturday's the show and both you and Marcus really know it's next week. And then the entire staff looked at you like y'all were fucking crazy. Cause we are. Yeah. And we're like, Oh, that's right. That's right. It's because last night we were, I was exhausted because you spent, you spent several hours helping me lift Natalie in rigging. Yeah. In our backyard. That was wild. I never pulled eat a woman. Yes. Well Congrats. You did very well I do did very you did very good you were there but for our

Starting point is 00:03:49 Party's gonna be strong enough. You did so good. You do so good. You could have done it on your own I'm gonna make you do it on I got lats dude. I got big old my backs huge Yes, but we're having a big ol Halloween party. Mm-hmm and a lot of it's gonna involve Natalie in the air. Nice Nice, are you gonna have beer? No I might not make it Absolutely gonna beer but yes, we do have a live show at the Wiltern this Saturday. We are very very excited We are this shows tied as a drum. Yeah, no and we're also having it all over the world We've been doing this fucking we're having a blast and then also

Starting point is 00:04:31 Edward and I are performing in Humboldt and it's not just because we're getting weed for free. Yes I mean it's mostly for that but yes, we are doing a show on three weeks after the show at November 23rd the Saturday before Thanksgiving At the material community center tickets are available at last podcast on the left comm we're doing it with our good buddy Billy Wayne Davis can't wait. We're gonna have such a blast. It's gonna be we're doing crowd work. We're gonna be improving We're gonna fuck around we're gonna smoke a lot of weed It's gonna be a great weekend for us and hopefully for you as an audience and also today later today. We're announcing More shows. Yes, we do

Starting point is 00:05:03 We got a bunch of new shows coming out and you will see where they're at when you go to lastpodcastontheleft.com. There's a bunch of different cities. I know one is Atlanta in January, which I'm excited for. Yes. Yeah, Atlanta in January. And also, tell us where we should do Side Stories in Atlanta. Yeah. Because that's what we want to do.

Starting point is 00:05:17 Or close by, because we're doing it. We've got Nashville, Dallas. We've got a bunch of stuff. Toronto, Detroit. Yeah, we're going around. We're going to hit it up. And just so you know, when people ask about Portland, we are going to get to Portland. I love for we are. Well, so today, what more? I love heroin. Hey, don't even just, I mean, just, you can

Starting point is 00:05:33 tell just by looking at him. Yeah. How much he loves. I want to stop you because I know you were going to fly. We have too many stories, but how's your 31 for 31 going? I'm pretty much through. I meant through most of it. I'm almost done myself. Yeah. I'm a bunch of the only things I'm kind of saving or for Halloween night. And there's certain things that I like to specifically play on Halloween night. Like the great pumpkin. Charlie Brown will actually be fun to put it in the background. I will probably put Halloween six and nightmare three on in the background of the party. I have those on DVD if you need it. Oh, I have them as well my friend Yes, I just watched Nightmare 3 this week. It's fucking unbelievable. Yeah Elm Street 3 is perfect

Starting point is 00:06:11 It is it might be the best one I think so It is because the four is just it's fun four is where it kind of turns into a comedy Yeah, which I like though. Yeah, we were cutting We just had a conversation with we talked about how as much like we like Freddy because he's funny But objectively the funnier films are not as good as the earlier scarier films. Absolutely, but they are so it's what I love them It's why I love Freddy and then I didn't realize Nightmare 3 was actually written screenplay wise by Frank Durupont

Starting point is 00:06:42 Durupont who did Shawshank Redemption. And crazy. And then Freddy Krueger, he walked through a mileage ship, he came out king on the other side. And then I also watched House of Wax which was a lot of fun. Yeah, Vincent Price is incredible. Vincent Price is one of my favorite actors to be stoned and watch. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:03 Because his face is so funny. Like when you're high and you're watching him, he's so good at making his lips and his eyes move. Do you know he could eat a man's ass? Oh buddy, man there ain't nothing left. Yeah. If he's eating ass, Vincent Price ain't leaving seconds. That's right.

Starting point is 00:07:22 He's getting all in one go. And I dipped my toe this week. But he's famous romantic Vincent Price. Oh, is loved his wife He's a very good man. Really? Yeah horny guy. I really thought he was gay He's too street. He's too gay to be straight. I gotcha. I know I mean he's too gay to be gay I know that brand. Yeah, I know what you're talking about living it. Um Ju on the the the grudge GU J you that. Livin' it. Juon the Grudge? G-U. J-U, that's how you say it?

Starting point is 00:07:48 Yep. No, it's Juon, it is Juon, but I'm just saying, I'm clarifying for the audience. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but you know, I was cheering for him like they were Jews. How do you like the Grudge? It was fine, it was good. I was expecting it to be, I don't know,

Starting point is 00:08:01 scarier and bloodier. No, man, that's how it is. You know what, I actually rewatched with clear eyes, it's been a long time the og the wicker man and You should rewatch it now. Dude Christopher Lee is Perfect in that movie. I forgot I feel like I thought it was boring earlier on and then when I rewatched it I was like this movie's great. Yeah, I don't know why. I guess it was just like, folk horror, I think I'm kind of in and out on. And I realized folk horror requires you to pay attention. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:31 So if you're kind of half paying attention, you're not going to like it. If you're kind of looking at your phone, you're not going to be as brought into the world. I've been putting my phone in the other room during my horror viewing. That's what I've been doing too now with movies. I've been leaving my phone outside the room. Because otherwise, I'll just watch my phone the whole time like a fucking idiot. Yeah, because we're children. I can't help myself.

Starting point is 00:08:48 Yeah, I don't know why. If it's like on the couch and I kind of see the back of my phone, I'm like, oh, I wonder where it's on the front. People say that the Generation Z, the Gen Z are the worst with the phones. We're the worst with the phones. Millennials are by far the worst with the phones. That's because they've grown their whole life with it, so they're kind of sick with it. We didn't have it. We're still obsessed with the shit. It's so kind of exciting that it exists. But it's not. It's bad for us. Oh've grown their whole life with it. So they're kind of sick with it. We didn't have it. We're still obsessed with the show kind of exciting that it exists, but it's not. It's bad for us. No, no, it's killing us.

Starting point is 00:09:09 And I can't wait for the solar flare that will come and destroy all of it. Then but that's also all of our careers. No, because we will go on the road. Oh, we bring in the podcast Street by Street horse carriage. We're going to get you start working with the ongoing street. That how we, and honestly, Eddie, I think that's where people were. I think podcasting is too fast for us. I think that maybe the internet's too immediate, too strong for us that maybe we do need a Troubadour like existence. Us on the vaudeville circuit would have been us at our best news of the world.

Starting point is 00:09:44 Tom Hanks from a week ago, traveling. best. News of the world, Tom Hanks. From a week ago. Traveling, yeah, traveling the west. It's a terrible movie though. It is a bad movie, but I like the idea. I like, that's what I'm hoping for. I want a postman like existence, but it's for cum. Kevin Costner postman?

Starting point is 00:09:57 Yes. Well that's a future movie, so you're actually correct. Exactly, it's a, but for cum based humor. Oh, it'll exist. Absolutely, well you can go to, you won't be able to hear a single comment about shooting ropes It takes two weeks. Yeah to hear talk about being glazed like a One of those hot pockets. Oh, yeah. Yeah hot pocket. Come on. Yeah, very big old sloppy, Virginia Ham you can't get shoots a fucking shot all over it

Starting point is 00:10:24 Properly in your and and think about it unless I come the Postman's here. Yeah, I've been oiling up my Halloween ham by the way. Oh, yeah, which is I'm very excited for my Halloween ham It's really rude. It's called Julie that because she's a beautiful woman. She is a beautiful woman, and that's why she's my Halloween ham Hey, we all got different stories inside of our homes. Yes. Now, let's do some stories. I do have an update Oh sure. Just a quick update on wood chippers. Oh awesome. Yeah, because you know, we we know a little bit but not too much We had a certified arborist Because we brought this up. I've got last week a man

Starting point is 00:10:59 He glossed his legs his first day on the job with a wood chipper. Yeah, and again, we just talked about how happy he looked Yeah, yeah, he was going like yay And we were kind of curious and like how fast a wood chipper works like it was his show He's the grab. Yeah, so we were but this guy writes and he said your chipper talk this week Which is a funny way to put it in it This week on side stories inspired me to write in. Um, I work with wood chippers often. And as part of my job as a horticulturist, simply put a plant person in a municipal park system.

Starting point is 00:11:32 Do you think if you suck a lot of dicks in that job, you put the whore and horticulturalist? Come on. Hey, probably. Um, although I've been working with these machines for about eight years now, I helped train new seasonal staff and always warn them about the extreme dangers of using a chipper. I feel like that's your first thing you should say. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:53 Would chipper. Hey, kind of dangerous. Yeah. Never wear loose clothing. So tight yoga pants are probably best. Yeah. One of those morph suits. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:02 Don't have gloves, your hair down obvious reasons. Um, but one time, one time, one of loose-fitting gloves got snagged on a branch while feeding it into the chipper Which started to pull her arm into the feed? Thankfully she was able to slip her hand out of the glove before ending up face first in the feed wheel Another time my co-worker was using a rake to throw in the last bits of sticks and such into the chipper before he knew it. The wheel ate the rake right up metal pieces and all several rakes since then have lost their lives to the almighty chipper. So in essence, yes, the chipper will pretty much devour anything that you will fit into the chamber. That is absolutely it's a, that's frightening, but you know, what's also interesting is that

Starting point is 00:12:43 maybe they could use like what we saw in Iceland when we went to go see the lava show it's called the lava show. God the lava show was cool. And they just Put lava in a room. I've never been in a room with lava Yeah, and we were talking like I feel like it seems like a stupid science experiment. It is. Had a great time Yes And we went the 25 year old girl that was dangling over the railing to play with the lava also gave us a pause. She was riding that rail. She really was like, I mean it. I think she was getting horny for the lava. If one labia slipped, she would have went right face first into the lava.

Starting point is 00:13:19 Yeah. And so we were watching the lava. It was hot in that room, but we brought up, because we were the only people asking questions. We were at Mushrooms too. brought up because we were the only people asking questions We were our mushrooms too. Yes, but we were the only people asking questions Saying hey like why would no one use lava as a method of execution? And Viking times we asked a bunch of stuff. Yeah got nothing. Mm-hmm Nothing returned, but I feel like that's a good alt for woodchippers You know, I talked to another guy the day after you left because I stayed an extra day. Yeah, Stefan our driver Oh, I remember. Yeah, you good guy He talked a lot about his body slans weed used to be Iceland's weed used to be really good

Starting point is 00:13:53 And now they got smoked out by the Albanians. Yeah. Well, I didn't get any of it. Yeah, but anyway, so Stefan had a buddy who Lost his foot to lava. They said yes. He lost his he lost his whole heel. Yeah, his heel, yeah. And then it ended up like, and it just evaporated into nothingness. No, lava's hot. Don't let anybody tell you any different. Lava's super hot. But I feel like that would be a good thing

Starting point is 00:14:15 to toss wood into. Oh, for sure. Because remember she threw the disk of ice on it. We're all like 10 feet from lava. Yeah, no, it was wild. There was no regulations. And it was all cracking and shit. Oh yeah, dude. No, it was like lava. Yeah, they're all like 10 feet from lava. Yeah. No, it was wild. There was no regulation cracking and shit. Oh, yeah, dude No, it was like

Starting point is 00:14:27 Lava. Yeah, they're like, oh, we're trying to bring it to Hawaii it's like just too many rules in America for this show to exist they had a purposely built $350,000 In Michigan by the way, so the American the American-made lava machine in the back of this place that squirts lava out a little hole and then they wait for all the lava to cool. They smash it up, put it back in the machine and it squirts the love out. They then told us that they're making a one that's three times bigger to go to Hawaii, which is going to basically work. This is

Starting point is 00:15:01 a Bond villain story beginning. Oh my God. They're just making their own lava. And if you're making their own lava, what else can they do? And if they have control of the lava, because guess what we saw? Lava is difficult to control and it's hard to stop. What are the police going to do against walls of lava? Yeah. We're like, how long is this lava going to be here before anyone can, you know, move it?

Starting point is 00:15:22 She's like, ow, six hours. That's when they have to redo it. They have to go to the other theater I didn't realize they had to build a second theater because it takes so long for the lava to cool. Absolutely Why do you think Dick Van Dyke had to stop doing matinees? Because they had to put him out they added it's hard to put his bones back together in order to do the next show It's very long process But yeah

Starting point is 00:15:42 We saw they go check that out if you're ever an East lot go to the lava show because that's very long process. But yeah, we saw the go check that out. If you're ever an East lot, go to the lava show because that was very, very interesting. Surprisingly awesome. And because we were talking about like, Oh, this is probably stupid. And then you, me and our, and our road manager, Brian, we became like little boys when the lava came out. We're like, it's lava. Oh my God. Science class day when they just showed us the volcano movies. I was like rock and roll Hell yeah, but then I will say for and this is my note to the lava show if they're listening and Their guide the tour guide was lovely. The host was lovely and she was very informative

Starting point is 00:16:17 But you might need somebody with a little bit more upper arm strength to deal with the pole on the lava Yeah, because she was there was a point where she was struggling with the lava. She knew her rocks though. Oh damn, you can know rocks. I know rocks. You don't know rocks like she knows rocks. Well of course not, I'm not a nerd. I'm a sort of rock dweeb.

Starting point is 00:16:35 I'm sorry Ellie, I have geologist friends that are already getting mad at me. But I'm just saying, she waited for the lava to slightly solidify and then she flips it like a pancake using just the pole Yeah, to push it up and it's like look at time. We're like, yeah, I know and we had to take our clothes off It was so hot. We were in t-shirt. She's sweating over the thing going Trying to move this pole in and out of the lava and me and Eddie are both like, Oh, also she's like, it's my second show. She said a second show. And I was like, I feel like lava. It's not a thing that we fuck around with. Like lava. There's no open mic night at the lava show, you know, cause that's straight up lava. And it's just, but they are like, well, we

Starting point is 00:17:19 only make so much. So that's what keeps everyone safe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, who knows? I felt like we were at Jurassic Park I was very impressed. We were both joking about how at some point we're like it just feel like we're playing with an elemental level of Earth and reality that might bite us in the ass, but until then life finds a way Go grab your lava making machines only finds a way Go grab your lava making machines only 350 thousand dollars. We got free. We got free rocks Yeah, we did they give us free rocks free shiny lava rocks

Starting point is 00:17:52 So easily fucking bought and sold I like I literally turned into a little boy All right. Let's get to some stories. Now this is speaking of lava. I wanted to do this first story because at first this story sounded very straightforward, but now we're seeing that it's actually a little bit more complicated. We don't really know what's going on. This happened in our neighbors up North and ye old, canada And they got some of our walmart disease right obviously we're spreading walmart everywhere This is a walmart supercenter. You know it's a fake one because they spell it wrong with No, no, I'm joking because it's Canadian and it's British or whatever it is right so they say they super sentry Right, so they call them wal Walmart super sentries now this a

Starting point is 00:18:47 person here is a Halifax Walked into a 19 year old bring it to a kinkos and they do it for you. What that's how you fax Did you are you mad that I interrupted you this poor girl I'm doing my best Are you mad that I interrupted you? This poor girl. I'm doing my best. I'm just doing my best to try to figure out how to concisely deliver the log lines of articles. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:19:11 It's so it's my the part I am least good at as host. Yeah. So let me ramp it back up. Halifax. Eddie, I mean, you dial it, you know, you press nine, then one and the maritime six society on Thursday, they identified the victim at this local Walmart. Her name is Gersom ran cow. She is from India. She was a young according to this, according to them, which is nice to say, they said she was a young, beautiful girl who came to Canada with

Starting point is 00:19:41 big dreams. Now this was from her fundraising page. So she got locked into what they have, these giant walk-in ovens. I believe it's for the various bread products they have, they serve there, all that kind of thing that they serve at the bakery in Walmart. And she got locked into it, and she wasn't found till the next day

Starting point is 00:19:59 by her mother, who also worked at the same Walmart, and she was literally turned into jerky. She was completely cooked. Now this is it's a horrific story. They came into having the mother find it was really rough on her. She spent hours looking for her daughter, couldn't figure out where she was, finally discovered her inside of the oven. Now first blush, horrible accident.

Starting point is 00:20:23 What happens? Last week, I find it interesting because we didn't get to cover the direct stories from last week because we were away, we were in Iceland, but if you look at the old stories and you see how last week they said Walmart had a mysterious accidental death in a Canadian super center, but they didn't want to talk about it at all So this stuff is now slowly the only reason why it's getting leaked out at all is because the mother Decided to they put together a go fund me and they were allowed She was I guess allowed to state the name of the person that got hurt right that got killed under Walmart's jurisdiction

Starting point is 00:21:03 But apparently that's the wasn't what Walmart wanted to happen at all They've been trying to keep this under wraps because one thing they're trying to figure out is whether or not She was on shift because if she was on shift the person that is largely Responsible is the shift manager and the reason why we now know that it's this is getting weird It's because since the story came out everyone of course and course, and Walmart too, everyone, what a horrible accident. She must have went in either. Went in to go get something inside the oven quickly or was retrieving something and they said, oh, maybe what happened was at the door, bounce against the wall. She opened it too hard door, bounce against the wall and the oven door close accidentally behind her or she did something to accidentally close the door behind her and they cut to tiktok

Starting point is 00:21:47 Right then and once they're ready to do tiktok. I obviously don't I'm not a huge fan of yeah, but when they get it, right They get it right. There's a lot of detectives on there Yes, and that you had several people that were employees of Walmart show on tiktok how people that were employees of Walmart show on TikTok how explicitly it's almost impossible to have that door closed behind you. Well, I know that they do that with the freezers in restaurants. Yes. So if you could see the way there is a mechanism, I believe that what account is this? The Brandon Gones show on TikTok.

Starting point is 00:22:20 God knows, but this is just where we've seen the clip and And it shows a Walmart employee showing that there is like a stop gap. The door rolls through the very heavy door to the walk-in oven. And the door rolls to a close and then bounces against a barrier. And then it needs to be fully clicked in. And on the inside, there's the release, there's a release bulb, there's a release bulb. So which is what's in freezers as well. Yes exactly the same So now we're saying this is extremely Mysterious this is now went from total accident. So Walmart is trying to keep this under wraps. There's no cameras That's this is now we're trying to figure this out. They are going through all of the camera footage They're going through everything because they don't know who it is

Starting point is 00:23:02 Obviously also, you know who suspect number one is the mother. Why? Because she found her and she was also working at the Walmart. So but the thing is like she found her. Was she distraught? She was deeply distraught. But there are many people that have faked being distraught after doing a crime. I mean, it's the truth.

Starting point is 00:23:21 There's many people kill your daughter. People make up shit all the time. We just talked about, you know, like Casey Anthony we talked about the case Sarah Boone who finally got that guilty verdict that she was fucking begging for the Suitcase murder where she zipped up her boyfriend in the suitcase and he died We're like she changed her story 90 different ways before they finally but she they had her dead to rights on video showing that she Mercilessly killed her boyfriend Whatever the fuck it was that was going on

Starting point is 00:23:47 But he was not a present danger at the time of the murder now you see here They're all saying like why was she even in the oven in the first place? They're all be no one knows why what it seems is be the big issue is is that there's There's usually a lot of according. This is according to the labor department. There's obviously a lot we don't know. There's usually a lot of safety protocols in place for equipment like this, but the safety protocols only work if they're checked on later and verified that they're still operating. What they're trying to figure out is whether or not this is just, is this the most extreme case of a manager checked out, walked away, said, ah, fuck it, you guys

Starting point is 00:24:27 can handle it, you guys done this a million times, and then a horrible accident occurs, like a million to one shot accident occurs that locks the thing behind you. But she would have, she could press the button to get out. Unless something fell against the door or you know she was unconscious when she went in there but that's what then is that murder then how does someone how does you how are we getting unconscious inside of your workplace what if the gas killed her don't know they say i don't know if it works like that i don't know if it's cooking i don't know if it's a gas oven if it's bacon cookies we could assume it's like 350 375. Yeah, but could be electric

Starting point is 00:25:05 Yeah, I know but how long do you think it takes to die at 350 degrees? Well an hour at least yeah Like I imagine it would run out of oxygen pretty fast. Yeah, it's not fun. Yeah. Yeah, it's not a cool way to die It's not like getting blown to death. Yeah, no for sure. It's you know same. It's not the same It's definitely not the same but it's not the same. It's definitely not the same, but it seems, I don't know. I would think it'd be like, I don't know. I think it lasts at an hour. It ain't good. Either way you're in there for a little bit. Oh yeah. It's not just like you're not toasted immediately. No, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't my quiz nose. Now how long was she in there? Overnight? They saying they, they think that she was

Starting point is 00:25:42 there for many, many hours. This is going to, is kind of a, I guess an inappropriate question, but was she like cooked? Was she like, was she like done? Oh yeah. You know, like pass the recommended serving temperature. That's crazy. Yeah. She's way over medium rare. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It was, it was not a,, again, yeah. Gordon Ramsey wasn't doing this. Somebody else was doing this. This is like airport food was what she got turned into. Yeah. When that's fucked, you know, no one deserves that. It really based me. All right. I'm saying this right now, but you can support the family

Starting point is 00:26:18 of Gersom Ron. She lost her life at Walmart right now. It's up to $194,000. Is that Canadian dollars? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. They pay for maple syrup and a pocketbook and they hand She lost her life at Walmart right now. It's up to 194 thousand dollars. Is that good? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they paid for maple syrup and a pocketbook and they handed to you that's racism and I'm sorry We're trying to end racism on this show And I won't do that to you. But yes, this is the yes. So go support if you want. I'm certain we'll find out It will be a horrible Tragedy if you gave a bunch of money and it turns out the mom's responsible, but we'll find out. It will be a horrible tragedy if you gave a bunch of money and it turns out the mom's responsible but we'll find out. Well either way, I mean, you know, her father and brother are in India and they got to get

Starting point is 00:26:52 them over here and I don't know, just give them money. It's one of those things where it's like, Jesus, it's so upsetting. My thing is if I'm in India and I found out that my sweet daughter went to Canada to have a better life and she got cooked in an oven, I'd be like, let's stay in India. Yeah, let's not go to Canada. That's what I would say I'd be like sounds like things are not much better over there We got to go and kick some ass and then come back. Yeah, okay. They're worse about kicking Canadian asses They just go like oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, you're right. Well, they love to fight No, we go they fight they fight. They love throwing it. They have it a go. They like losing fights

Starting point is 00:27:25 Yeah, it's all yeah hockey is all fights. God. That's what they do. It's simulated. Yeah, you know, I mean before it gets full murder Before you get full on MMA level. Yeah, he's got to fight over each other's clothes and almost like I got off in a sexy way Don't let me die at Walmart. No, I won't pull your body out to make sure you die in the parking lot Yeah, I yeah, I'd least the parking lot. Yeah, I'll make sure you don't you become another Swept under the rug corporate mishap man I know they're terrified after Tracy Morgan took all that money from them Well Tracy Morgan also had some great lawyers and they completely fucked up these people have nothing just these people they can just delete Exactly enough. I want Tracy Morgan to get involved another Oh, another one. Make me more. If he just was constantly Walmart villain. Yeah. Every day he showed up and he's Walmart

Starting point is 00:28:08 joker. Nothing would make me happier. He's just being like him to show up looking for money again. I'm going to get money for these guys. Yeah. He deserved it. Well, God, he deserved it. Um, does it not the only mystery this week? There's a bunch of fucking mysteries this jam packed with jam packed. So this next story is another fucking mystery. So this happened in This is a little What state? Montana, ah everyone's favorite two weeks. No, it's two weeks after a camper in Montana They found him this guy that they found him dead a guy named Dustin. I think it's cure sem

Starting point is 00:28:41 He was 35 years old. He was found in his tent dead earlier this month and he looked like he was killed by a bear. That's what his friend said when they found him. He was completely torn to pieces. They freaked out. They did some investigation. They said there's no evidence of bear activity, but we do see some with an axe activity. Yeah. So it looks like this motherfucker got caught up by a goddamn axe Yeah, and like someone chopped the shit out of him and it's so much that it looked like a bear attacked him They hit him in the fucking head with the axe. My bears is gonna mean like don't put this shit on me. Amen I eat the guts. I eat the butt. RIP 399 we lost one of the most famous bears in the world this week. They got hit by a car 399

Starting point is 00:29:24 Did he like change his name like what's his name like Ocho Senko? You know, it's cute, but I take this to heart. This beautiful bear, she's delivered. She's sired so many. 300. It's a big pussy. I mean, yeah, she's like the Kate Gosselin of bears. She every and she likes to hang out by people as a protection. And because because of that she got hit by a car She died. That's really very I literally watched the documentary about her on the plane back from Iceland and then I landed and it's like she's dead She got hit by a car. Jesus Christ. Never never fall in love with a bear Never fall in love with a bear. You never know what's going on. Yeah, so this is you know, this is this anti Bear bullshit. No. Well, this is not stamp.

Starting point is 00:30:05 Technically the bear was, there's no bear. Someone tried to blackmail a bear. That's what this is about. So many bears almost got fucking shot in the head. And I'm telling you this right now, bears, if someone's trying to blackmail you, you just spread that to control the narrative. If you're having an affair with a goat and you're afraid your bear wife's going to find out the goat saying, Hey, guess what? If you don't tell everybody, I'm going to fucking

Starting point is 00:30:30 steal your berries or whatever, you know, tell your wife, tell your wife, honestly, I mean this bear, tell your wife because you'll get over it. You'll heal. Well, bears, the male bears are solitary. So given them, yeah, no, this guy, cause this is good. Oh God, this is so brutal. They are really getting into it now because they're now seeing that things were missing from the crime scene. They have no idea who did this. No one has been arrested. And they're pretty certain that whatever it was that was done to him was done with what he already had. So they said they're looking for blue blue and silver estwing camp ax with the 26 inch handle as well as a remington shotgun and a ruger. They were all taken his car and also his cooler was

Starting point is 00:31:12 taken. Yeah the uh it took his beers his guns and his ax. If you take that from a montanan you might as well kill him. Oh my god. That's all he's. That's what he has. They love their yeti coolers out there, dude They fucking love their fucking they love the cooler so much. They named it after their favorite cryptid the fuck in the woods Right now, this is but we have no idea. There was no cameras. He was out in the middle of this Wildlife reserve I believe it was in the I forget which reserve it was in he was at the Moose Creek Road apparently That was like it was a makeshift camp site. He was in middle of the forest and No one has any idea was happening them. We don't know what happened to him There's no evidence and maybe we'll find that out who knows multiple chopped wounds

Starting point is 00:31:58 They're still looking for the person who did this it might have just been a yes This is more of a the other I feel like the Walmart oven story It's a more of a complicated mystery because we don't quite know what's going on. Well his go fund me 24,000 see it's actually double standard if we could it's for men Where's his money going to the local weed store is it going to the fucking his buddies D&D group probably gonna need a new axe Mmm, oh it's kids. Yeah, that's going for his kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so yeah He's a brother and he's a skilled tradesman and he's a doting father. So that's actually quite sad. So yeah. Yeah gift is stuff Gift is stuff. It's here Dustin. Could you're some KJ?

Starting point is 00:32:41 Er S E M you can give it there about $25,000 frame about $25,000 raised poultry some Yeah comparison to the cute young lady. Yeah now kind of looks like Palin He does look like our old buddy Palin Wow. He does kind of yeah used to live with us Eddie And I used to live together in a two-floor Apartment that we turned into a bit of a slum. Yeah, we destroyed it Yeah, we destroyed it. Yeah. And we would have been sued if everyone else didn't

Starting point is 00:33:07 sue the people who own the place. Sometimes you just got to be faster than the other guy. You know what I mean? You don't got to be faster than the tiger. You just got to be faster than the guy next to you. That's a man. That's a legal game. So we'll find out.

Starting point is 00:33:20 I feel like we're looking at a drifter. This might be a drifter level killer because of the thievery. If he was just chopped up, I think this would be slightly more like, ooo, spooky spooky, where it's way more that because everything was stolen, as I think that it might have just been a bad forest person. We all think, I think because I'm a city person, that the forest is just filled with animals, but actually sometimes I think that the forest is filled with worse people than in the cities

Starting point is 00:33:47 Yeah, you're lucky if it's the animals you run into I think that out there if you're a person that's like out out there you're much more like Unpredictable than a person within the city. This definitely proves that viral thing that the ladies are talking about how they'd rather run into a bear Then a guy man. Yes, because this is obviously a man who framed a bear. It's like the ultimate proof that that's true. Unless again, it's a goat or a pig. That could be interesting. They would need fingers in order to hold the axe.

Starting point is 00:34:17 You can use their mouths. Tape it to their hooves. I still feel like the man is better than the bear, but I do know what they're saying. Yes. Allegorves. Yeah. I still feel like the man is better than the bear. But I do know what they're saying. Yes. Allegorically. Yeah. Now, let's go.

Starting point is 00:34:31 We have, all right, we got a couple. This is another good story that was really fucked up. Now, I'm happy I haven't had kids every day. Like, there's never not been a day that I've woken up jazzed that I don't have children. I'm happy that you don't have children as well. I mean. Because then I'd have to be with them all the time.

Starting point is 00:34:54 If I had them, I would be a good father. Oh, for sure. I'd be a doting and controlling father. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd raise them in a comedy-like boot camp. I would raise them physically to do physical, they would do fighting training, gymnastics, and comedic and theatrical arts each day.

Starting point is 00:35:10 My nanny would be a great father. Yes, oh God, my nanny would be the best father that my father, my children would ever know. They would, oh God, my nanny would be such an incredible force in their lives. I could see you rounding up some children and having them later in your life, adopt a bunch of kids.

Starting point is 00:35:27 Oh yeah, Natalie and I were talking about, I gave her this idea of like, what if we adopt a 17 year old from, you know, university of Michigan. She's a marine biologist major. She needs to be raised up into a thing, you know what I mean? And she said, no, she said, no.

Starting point is 00:35:46 But yeah, I think I'm infertile, but I'm thankful. I know my semen so dumb, it comes out my butt. That's white shit. You're dying. Now this, here we go. Now here, this is a story that is aft. So a woman, I'm going to loosely say that a woman, Tara Sykes, 36 Pensacola, Florida. Oh, of course. She was convicted by using what is roadblocks. Roadblocks is like a computer. It's a game, right? Child's like, I think it's almost like math blaster, but it's not my game platform. All right. So it's like a little thing, right? They do. They do. That's a game for the kids. It's like Minecraft, but I guess you can talk to... There's a chat.

Starting point is 00:36:29 Yes, there's a chat function. And so this lady decided, Tara Sykes, to talk to this 10-year-old girl and try to convince her through Roblox to kill a two-month-old boy. And her parents. And the parents. Now, according to, I know that they might have had some previous relationships, Sykes and this 10-month-old boy. And her parents. And the parents. Now, according to, we find out that they might have had some previous relationships, like in this 10-year-old.

Starting point is 00:36:49 Yeah. The girl, the 10-year-old girl said she was extremely frightened talking to this person online. And this woman, she ended up, she went as far as to drop her two-month-old brother on the floor. On his head. Yeah, to give him a a and he had a literal like a head injury cracked his skull cracked his skull open and the basically little

Starting point is 00:37:10 girl's not culpable she was so afraid she's ten she's ten she had no idea what was going on but this woman messaged her through roadblocks that was like talking her through it trying to say you got to kill the baby you have to kill the baby drown the infant there's a court this, this is a sentence Tanya's like sent to this 10 year old girl. Drown the infant in the bathtub. Burn the infant with scalding water. Drop the infant on the floor to kill the infant.

Starting point is 00:37:34 And it's like, I don't know why. Lots of options there. She also said that she should slit her parents' throats while they slept and burn their bodies. Cover their foster chair, cause they were foster parents apparently. Yeah, they slept and burned their bodies. The foster chair, because they were foster parents. Yeah, they said cover their blankets in aerosol and then light it on fire. She actually went as far as to cover the blankets in aerosol.

Starting point is 00:37:55 She went, she spiked the baby like she was Dion Sanders. She went upstairs. She sprayed the whole thing down with aerosol. The parents woke up and that's when they realized what the living fuck is going on here But we don't know yet what going on what their actual relationship was because they're saying that like that's what we kind of this Is one of those where this is not an ungroomed crime. There's no way this little girl just immediately jumped into doing this This is something that this Tara Sykes woman has been working on Yeah, this kid, because this woman was

Starting point is 00:38:26 also already previously arrested. And her husband. Yes. James Sykes, her husband, they allowed a 20 year old man to live in their home after he impregnated their teen daughter. So it's like a whole long, very complicated story where they had an underage daughter that was being, that got sexually battered by a 20 year old named Kyle Myers. They never filed any charges against him. They were living in there and they were just, it's just all, it's pretty gross. Yeah. No, this is a demon.

Starting point is 00:38:55 This is a demon woman. Yes. She didn't get locked up for a while. Oh yeah. Because her, the baby that was just like left at her house. They arrested her for child neglect on the other baby. So this woman's a problem. And Pensacola's tough town. They filmed Jaws 2 there. It is, yeah. And it will be one of those that will be sucked into the ocean within the next 10 years. And that's where she'll be down there amongst the coral.

Starting point is 00:39:20 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. But yeah, it's a horrible story. Yes, it is. But hey, they didn't get the kid. Mm-hmm. Ding-a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding- Cool. There is a, a boy, a 15 year old boy shot his parents and three siblings dead. And then this is outside of Seattle. They're very well off and he shot and then he tried to frame his 13 year old brother as saying, as like, as a murder suicide for the whole thing. What's his name? His name,-year-old boy killed his parents and three siblings in Fall City, Washington. I don't have the kid's name, but the father's name is Mark Hoomaston and his wife, Sarah. He was an electrical engineer and his wife was a registered nurse. They had a luxury $1.4 million home.

Starting point is 00:40:22 This is more like Daily Mail. They always tell you how much their property is worth. Yeah, yeah. They're good and classless. But it was 30 miles outside of Seattle and like nothing ever happens in this town. It's one of those places where it's like, it was like someone stole someone's mail a couple of years ago. You know, it's like one of those neighborhoods and the kid apparently when he called the nine one one on himself, when he called to try to blame his little brother, it sounds just like a little, like just like a fucking older brother. Oh, my brother just shot my whole family and committed suicide too. Yeah. Cause he just put the hand, just put the Glock in the kid's hand. And obviously

Starting point is 00:41:02 he had no residue on his hand and the bullet hole didn't match up where it should have been. But you know what stopped him? What? His meddling little sister. So it was little sister hid and actually was the one that told the police that he was the one that killed everyone. So the little sister actually, she, she lived and survived the 11 year old. Yeah. She's legitimately going to be Laurie Strode. Yes. You know, as this guy gets out of jail later on to become Michael Myers, getting out, you know, well with juvenile cases, it's, it is interesting because the whole family, well

Starting point is 00:41:36 now like you look at the slender girl killers, like the slender man killers, like they are still one who got out. The other one's still begging to get out. It's going to be a little bit. You're looking at them and then his brothers are really close to getting out But that's all different. There's like a motive there. I mean we don't know what's developing mental illness and you're 15 years old You don't know what the hell you're doing. Yeah, like even though yeah, you're killing everybody I doubt he'd get I'm saying I doubt he gets out of jail

Starting point is 00:42:00 Yeah, but when you kill somebody that early a lot of, there ends up popping up a chance every once in a while. Man, I don't know. 15 is like the age where you can almost be tried as an adult. He will probably not see the outside of a jail cell ever again. Yeah, no, for sure. But yeah, no, it's a crazy. The family, everyone says they're totally sweet

Starting point is 00:42:22 and all that stuff. You should never know. That's why you don't have kids. Yeah. Because think about this. This sounds like an amazing life. What an amazing life. These kids these kids had mm-hmm Yeah, I mean look at this is a nice neighborhood unless he's getting unless they're all getting the finger treatment from daddy pants, right? Yeah, and things aren't that bad You can't just be mad about living in the suburbs. That's why you start rap metal Okay, listen to me if you're in the suburbs. That's why you start rap metal. Okay. Listen to me. If you're in the suburbs right now and you're upset, that's why you go and you smoke resin and

Starting point is 00:42:50 you make up rap metal. You don't kill your family. There's plenty of rap metal in Seattle. There's so much you just got like, I'm trying to think what else, what's another good thing for suburb kids. You learn to skateboard. Oh yeah. Start trying to sound like an African American older gentleman. Bottle cap collection. Yes. Get your broccoli haircuts. Yeah. Oh yeah. Start trying to sound like an African American older gentleman. Bottle cap collection. Yes, get your broccoli haircuts. Yeah, oh they love their broccoli haircuts. That takes three hours to get the perm. Really?

Starting point is 00:43:13 Look at them. They all look like my fucking mother from 1992. I was thinking about doing it. You want to get the broccoli? I don't know what I'm thinking about. Maybe I should do a little makeover. I think that if we made you look, I'd do a full Gen Z thing on you. I think that might be in order. The only thing is Julie won't touch me now being on also is that

Starting point is 00:43:31 And this is not a body shame thing. Am I too big? There's fat ones. I've seen them fat and muscular I Did I'm that I'm you know, well, you're big. Yes, there's a difference I don't know you might be too broad-shouldered to be Gen Z. My sense is Gen Z's pretty stoop-shouldered I know there's some offensive lineman I'd say in high school that got the broccoli haircut Yeah, I guess they must but they're but those are those frighten me the most Wow Does this kid inspire us? Wow?

Starting point is 00:44:02 Does this kid inspire us? Wow. But you gotta go make things so complicated. See the pain you're at next. So many years. It got me frustrated. That's me, man. I know. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:16 Suburbs, angst, Henry Zabrowski. Yeah. Um, oh, and here's a, here's a story that, you know, it's got a little lighter. We've been pretty heavy today. If that's all right. I've been laughing a lot. I've been like, I know, but the content is upsetting. Yeah. I mean, sure. But this is also kind of upsetting to be honest with you. We were just in Auckland, New Zealand and now they, the New Zealand government says that airports are hotbeds of emotion and they're saying that you have to keep your

Starting point is 00:44:47 hugging and goodbyes to three minutes or less when you're going to the airport. I'm going to put it this way. After the time we spent in New Zealand, it's a very New Zealand rule. Yeah. Like it is a good idea that you, they can even, are they going to time you on your hugs? They said the hug has to be as brief as 20 seconds What does it even mean? How would you even know? Yeah How would you know you're gonna be staring at families? As they all hug each other like a fucking state That's it you're done you're done no more touching that's enough that's done. I don't care if she's from Sri Lanka

Starting point is 00:45:25 No more touching. That's enough. That's done. I don't care if she's from Sri Lanka. They said, if you want to have a long hug, go to the parking lot. What are you talking about? I'm not going out there like we're, I'm getting a rubbing tug. I'm getting a hug from my grandmother. The parking lot allows 15 minutes. I can't fucking hug as much as I want in the open air of God. I literally can't hug as much as I physically can handle. Cause that's what this is about. The CEO says their team has seen interesting things go on over the years. You're a fucking dad. What people fucking talking too long. Doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Yeah, so no more Did he say anything to Russell Brand when he did a full national tour in there sound like some of his hugs were pretty aggressive

Starting point is 00:46:12 Did they come after the hamper do they let him fly through customs? But at the same time I mean like You know sometimes you just want to get out there. Well, it's also it's kind of nice like how long can you really hug your uber driver? Well, you get to be like hey, you know listen Marvin I love you so much and honestly everything we've been throughout this carousel has been has meant so much to me, but I like Unfortunately, I can't hug you anymore According to the law we have to stop hugging yeah, all right So you go back to your home you go back to your family and in whatever country

Starting point is 00:46:46 You're from okay. I love you God I love you more fun. Oh, yeah, God. I wish I wish we could be together more fun, but your culture and mine Do not match all right, so please the little God release me Cuz I'm not a man to call the airport police. There's one more fun story. I really wanted to get into before we move on. Um, there's a man in Greece. Well, this is very, this is one of those where this guy, 28 years old Greek man, he doesn't look like he's 28 years old. Well, they never do when they commit weird crimes. Yeah. He's been sniffing shoes. Yeah. He's been breaking into people's like homes and Outside shoes that's the thing. I feel like even I am like

Starting point is 00:47:30 Obviously, I know it's a violation and people get mad when we say like what kind of violation is it? But it's just like, you know, he's been repeatedly trespassing on his neighbors property They don't own their shoes that they leave outside. Oh god, and he came from the Salmoniki, which sounds like a kind of like a foot medication. Yeah. Now. Yeah. He's on this. He's trespassed several times. It's a small town. He breaks in. He sneels. He sniffs the shoes. According to him, he says, I do not know exactly how I came to do this act. I feel very ashamed Disappointed myself. I can't explain it I will ask for support to see what is happening and not to make it worse He says he's gonna call his doctor. Dr. Scholes

Starting point is 00:48:19 The neighbor said that he's never acted violently no, you know know, he does it. He's not, you know, why? Cause he can access the shoes. Yeah. And if he doesn't have a stinky shoes, he might get violent. I don't know. And so then, oh, they said that they got, they eventually got sick of this guy smelling their shoes. And they got upset. They went to the police. It's a weird day. It's a lot. You know? And they said the next time they catch the guy doing it to call nine one one, and then they would, they would show up and you know, once they caught him in the act. Cause the cops don't want to deal with it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:50 You know that they don't want to deal with this. You also at this point are you, you're setting them up. Oh yeah. You're leaving the shoes out as bait now. Now you're encouraging it. You're enabling them. Yeah. That's what you're saying.

Starting point is 00:49:02 So you're meaning you mean he's letting living that you're letting these fucking stinky hiking boots out They're like little sluts in a row Sit up there with their whale tails hanging out begging to get their whole sniffed Oh Man, the six-year-old neighbor who filed the complaint against the younger neighbor Smelling their shoes told the court that he spotted the defendant three times on their property Adding that other neighbors had also caught him sniffing their shoes over the past six months. Hey man, maybe he's just got a brand. Maybe you got a brand he likes. Yeah. And he copped

Starting point is 00:49:31 to it immediately. Oh yeah. What's he going to do? I wasn't sniffing shoes. Yeah. Oh my God. Hey, you know, again, whatever gets you through the night. Yeah. Just someone just give him shoes. A stinky shoes. Just fucking just also story. Is it not like, I guess a lot of it must be a bowling alley. I think sometimes I wonder if it is obviously the transgression. Cause at some point just smell your own shoes. Well, that's not fun. Why though? Yeah. When another neighbor asked him, pretended somebody else's shoes. Well, here you go. And when another neighbor asked him why he was doing it, he said, uh, because it makes my life better. It obviously doesn't buddy. You're in jail. Yeah. You know what I mean? A month they gave him and

Starting point is 00:50:13 then three years probation. I think that's, oh, it's, it's, it's a little much. It's intense. You probably could have slapped him with a pro parole or whatever, but I do feel like, how do you feel like, have you ever gotten positive validation once from smelling someone else's shoes? Has someone, I'm just saying, has smelling shoes ever led anybody to Carnegie Hall? It doesn't improve your life. I see, I see, you just, you look at yourself and you're just a shoe sniffer, but when I see you, I'm thinking you could be sniffing shoes at Carnegie Hall.

Starting point is 00:50:41 All right, so listen, just give me 10%. I'm your new manager. I'm taking you all the way. Then I just fucking kill them and steal the shoes, you know It's it's hard, you know It's just getting harder and harder out there to have a fetish And so you just gotta fucking you got to deal with a community of like-minded individuals that will help you get access to stinky shoes They're out there. They're all over the internet. Yeah, you can buy stinky panties stinky shot Children's shoes anybody. Yeah, it's not even a nursing home

Starting point is 00:51:07 I know several grown-ass women that will take full real money, and they will give you their old shoes I watched Quentin Tarantino drink champagne out of Uma Thurman shoe. Yes, we all did yeah I was fucking those fucking bizarre. Yeah, he's well gets how you get a throat infection Yeah, that's the reason why I didn't do a Shoei when everyone was trying to make me do it in Australia. Oh, yeah. Because you get a throat infection. It's like I gotta fuckin', I have to talk.

Starting point is 00:51:31 Sadly, this is me talking professionally. Yeah, no, you can't be fuckin' with that. Especially on tour. Fly from your grave. And now it is time for some listener pastas. Oh! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Oh! And now it is time for some listener pastas Creepy It's just upsetting that we don't actually get pasta Derebes

Starting point is 00:52:06 We can't have pasta anymore. We shouldn't have a pasta Because now we are too old to have fun. Isn't it crazy that they tell you you gotta stop pasta? Yeah, it makes me super angry. Talk about spooky. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't- that makes me angry. I wish we could have pasta. And I blame the Italians. I think they purposely gave us bad pasta so that- bad in America, but it's good in Italy. Yeah. So we have um, we have two listener pastas each now We're just going to do this just because we got we did honestly we had a tremendous amount

Starting point is 00:52:39 A lot got sent in we got a lot sent in. I think we're going to try to read some more Soon But these are the ones in our ziti We got a lot sent in. I think we're gonna try to read some more soon But these are the ones that are ziti. I think that'd be better Really put some time into it. You just want food. I'm starving Just are hungry. I want pasta. I know you want pasta. We can't have no. No, you can't you have protein you get protein And you're gonna like it you get protein and you get vegetables Because that's what we're supposed to eat because the second I eat pasta as soon as I smile. I know I'm trouble. Yeah Alright, so the

Starting point is 00:53:15 Greek roasted chicken salad and zankou. Yeah, that's fine. That's keeping me alive. Yep. I eat out of a out of spite Yeah, no exactly. It's one of those are like go fuck yourself Yeah, every time I put a fork into it. I'll just say go. I just forced myself to eat leaves. I hope you die Yeah, I hate the leaves, but I I'm talking to the leaves. Yes the leaves not us Yeah, I want Henry to live for at least ten more years Yeah, all right now that we just talked about this spookiest thing of all, how our diets have to change. Italy is trying to kill us!

Starting point is 00:53:51 Post-40 life is too real to be not frightening. But first, let's get into this ritual. Now this was a ritual written in by the corn man. The corn man? Yes. Alright. Does that is a Christian name? I think so. Corn man. Perform this ritual if you are feeling negative energy. To perform the ritual you need the following. A cell phone with cell surface. A bathroom with

Starting point is 00:54:21 a locking door. A mirror is optional. I got one. To perform the ritual, first lock yourself in the bathroom. Done. If you do not lock the door, you have not performed the ritual incorrectly, but you may welcome unwanted spirits in. What if you want to get out? You just better be fucking be ready. To perform the ritual, open your internet browser.

Starting point is 00:54:44 If you do not use incognito mode, you have performed the ritual incorrectly and may need to start again. Okay. And I wanna say toss a VPN on there as well. Search mommy milkers. Mommy milkers. Or quote, help me, I'm stuck.

Starting point is 00:55:01 Oh, one of, now, either or, or you can probably do the whole sentence. Your results may vary, but this is what I've searched for with successful rituals. You click on any one of those videos. If an ad plays promising a larger penis, you know that you have thus far performed the ritual correctly. Okay. At this point, a voice may sound outside the locked door of the bathroom.

Starting point is 00:55:22 It will sound like your romantic partner. Ignore the voice. This voice may ask the following, What are you doing? What's taking so long? Can you help me with something? To dispel this voice, recite the following, I'm shitting. I'll be out in a minute. Which is honestly, I'm actually kind of even angry that he's revealing this. And you're reading it. I know. But I think it's important to have full transparency here.

Starting point is 00:55:50 Mm-hmm. This is breaking the man code. Now if you say anything other than the phrase, you may fail the ritual. The voice is simply there to test your resolve. Take your index finger and thumb and pinch your penis lightly. You may use your entire hand, but this is all I've needed to complete the ritual. With your wrist locked, move the index finger up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down.

Starting point is 00:56:14 You may look in the mirror if you have one and pretend your penis is real big. This part of the ritual is optional, but I found success in it. Who has a mirror facing their toilet? Some of us put it up there on purpose Wowie wowie. This is according to the ritual. Oh, okay. Wowie wowie Make sure to flush at least twice to remove any evidence of the ritual if you do not complete this step You may not be able to complete the ritual in the future. Mmm. Congratulations. You've successfully completed the ritual ritual in the future. Congratulations.

Starting point is 00:56:44 You've successfully completed the ritual. Julie and I we installed toilets that face each other. Yes, so we can masturbate at each other. Oh great. I always loved masturbating after I farted into a toilet. Yeah. I'm fascinated. She is you better be mine is called the purpose of revenge by Laurie Zonka. Full disclosure here, I have not read the story.

Starting point is 00:57:14 I just chose it because her name is close to Larry Zonka. I know. Yeah, the football player. The football player who's still alive. Not just a football player, but co-host of American Gladiators. Damn. Great career. And now she's here.

Starting point is 00:57:34 It was a dark, rainy Saturday. Jennifer Zeeland had stayed in her condo for the evening. She'd been scheduled to make an appearance at the Funeral of some big fish at the family farm on account of the weather Had blown it off and was instead browsing the dating app elope Elope on her living room sofa elope. I guess you're looking for it to be serious. That's a weird one. Yeah Elope. I guess you're looking for it to be serious or let's say weird ones. Yeah Her father was furious with her. It was supposed to be some big PR coup or something Yeah, she she'd been paying attention that was hours ago. Anyway, it was past nine o'clock now

Starting point is 00:58:19 She'd flick through the litany of duds and bots until she landed on a pretty good catch. Mandarino was a tall, lantern-jawed, already tenured marine biologist at the tender age of 23. Wow, that sounds like a lie. Sounds like a series of lies. They've traded texts and intimate pictures. It had all gone swimminglyly So Jennifer gave out her phone number to continue the conversation off the app her phone rang immediately Jennifer picked it up hesitantly. She hated phone calls I don't know. She shouldn't be go feels like you know, it's it's the whole point of the app You just keep talking there until like you meet them in person That's what you think why would you give your number away on an app when you're already talking to somebody?

Starting point is 00:59:08 I you know what honestly I feel like this person Might not use the apps a lot well she answered uh Hello, she said mm-hmm his voice was far higher pitched than she had managed Little forward with the phone call, huh, sis? Why, Chica coo have died. What? I don't know, I don't understand it. I'm just reading it.

Starting point is 00:59:35 The name was familiar. She couldn't place it. To get to the other side, she tried to joke. Because it's a chicken. Oh, yes. Yes. Man paused. Sounded as if he was trying and failing to suppress his laughter with a mouthful of liquid. Jennifer actually took this opportunity to laugh as well, but man wasn't actually laughing.

Starting point is 01:00:03 Think funny. He asked in an icy tone. Why don't we try that again? Think funny you? He asked in an icy tone. Uh, kinda. Better joke. What purpose of revenge?

Starting point is 01:00:22 Uh, I don't know. What? Show you very soon, he squeaked. Uh, I don't know. What? Show you very soon. He squeaked. Whoa, no. Before breaking into a chittering round of inhuman laughter. Call drops. Jennifer rolled her eyes.

Starting point is 01:00:41 Weird. Of course, all the creeps and incels she had to contend with on elope this one had probably been the biggest try hard. Just to be on the safe side, she got up off the couch and called her building security guard, Marlin, on the intercom. Yes, Miss Zealand. Marlin answered Marlin. I think I have another stranger danger situation. It's probably nothing, but could you do a sweep of my place? No problemo Miss Zealand slow day today, but say I hope I'm not being too forward Missy,

Starting point is 01:01:24 but your daddy He runs Sealand the amusement park with all the fish and such right? He does Nice thought so now. Yeah, I hate to ask missy, but my granddaughter She's been bugging me and bugging me for months to go see the singing dolphin show at Sea Land but for the life of me I cannot get my myths on a pair of tickets. You wouldn't happen to be able to pull some strings for ol' Marlin would ya? These all fish? I'll see what I can do.

Starting point is 01:02:00 Are these what they're saying here? Is it that they're all fish? I think Marlin's just a name. He's also the Florida Marlins. They share a stadium with the Dolphins. I see what she's doing here It seems that the what this is like there. It's good turn. They're all fish the intercom cut off Jennifer took a moment to sit back down on the couch and breathe deep, but she couldn't shake the name Chichaku Chichako Maybe Cheech Chacko.

Starting point is 01:02:26 Maybe it's Cheechakie. She couldn't shake it out of her head. It probably had something to do with the company. So she decided to bite the bullet and call her sister. Maven always paid closer attention to sea lands day to day. The prodigal daughter. Maven answered coldly. Oh, maybe I should do it. The prodigal daughter may have an answered coldly.

Starting point is 01:02:46 Oh, maybe I should do it. The paddical daughter may have an answer coldly. Do very good with all the different characters. You're like you're very good. You're like Andy circus. Love you too.

Starting point is 01:02:58 Look quick question. Who or what is Chikaku? There was a pause. Or what is um Chica coo there was a pause You can't not be serious Answer the question sis, please. Oh my god You don't know who chick Chico Chico is the singing dolphin only our number one attraction 1.6 billion in net ticket sales year over year or was until daddy sold her calf to the Japanese? The elevator chimed so she could hear it from inside of

Starting point is 01:03:35 her house because of the thin shitty door. That would be Marlon. Jennifer went back to the intercom. Maven continued, she refused to eat for five weeks, bitched yourself and just screamed and screamed. Jennifer buzzed Marlon through. And then what? She asked as the elevator doors parted. Marlon stepped out clutching his torso. His face shot an agonizing sigh at Jennifer.

Starting point is 01:04:06 Quote maven Ever more Jen the funeral was today You know the one you blew off Marlins, it doesn't really make sense. No Marlin slumped down into the pastel shag smearing steaming blood everywhere. Marlin! She shrieked. Jennifer knelt and flipped him onto his back.

Starting point is 01:04:34 His shirt and jacket were soaked with blood. He was still leaking from deep sucking wound just below his right breast. Jen? Jen! What's going on? Oh, this is the ma- this is Maven. I'm sorry. Let me check it out. just below his right breast. Jen? Jen? What's going on? Oh, this is the Maven. I'm sorry. Let me check it out. Jen? Jen!

Starting point is 01:04:52 What's going on? Who's Marlin? Maven demanded. No answer came. The phone slipped from Jennifer's fingers and fell into an inland sea of blood. Oh. An inhuman laugh chattered right behind her.

Starting point is 01:05:10 Jennifer turned to see a rude shape darkening her private elevator. It was a man, but he was bent, stuffed unnaturally into a long yellow fisherman's raincoat. The hood was drawn up and clenched tight over what seemed a rubber plague doctor's mask. In what looked like bloody rubber gloves, he held a steaming human liver. I wouldn't know what it looked like. I can see, I actually can probably identify a human liver. Who are you?

Starting point is 01:05:43 Jennifer asked, quaver, barely above a whisper. The plague. Fisherman said the bloody beaks splitting into toothy mouth to squeal the words. I told you it's all fish with his bare hands. It's all fish and fucking dolphins. His gray hands. Let's see in the story. Yeah. Well, you know, he's just toward the liver and half. She's fine. Apparently I will say straight up Marlin had a bad day. Yep. But none of this could happen because they're all there. They're fish. I like this though. I like this character. I Really like this character. Obviously a fan working in long legs. Oh, you're getting it all in there

Starting point is 01:06:31 Yeah, oh, you know, it's great. Do great work. Yeah, nothing wrong with it. Thank you. Lori's Anka literally nothing wrong with it Good work. I'm glad I picked you by your Fake name. Yeah, the porpoise of revenge. Very very good. Very very good. All right, here we go Now there you got this I have another one now. I let's do this. This is a true story a true story apparently, okay Canna by Elizabeth Chriscom This is a true story Philadelphia 2008

Starting point is 01:07:02 The Phillies had just won the World Series. The city became fanatic. The ERs were flooded with concussion cases, all brought on by acute exposure to 9-volt batteries, improvised bonfires, mostly dumpsters and BMWs, filled the night with orange light, PPD had whole squads out dedicated to greasing light poles to prevent glimmers. We all love it. PPD sounds like a venereal disease. It is. It's called the Philadelphia Police Department. I, for my part, was a perfectly innocent semiotics major with

Starting point is 01:07:32 no interest in baseball whatsoever. Amid the press of a yingling filled hooligans at Cecil B. Moore station, I just got done with my evening 18th century Turkish lit class. Was trying to mind my own business slammed as my back was into a defibrillator pack just nursing my a treat big blue soda and eager to catch the Broad Street line South to my shitty apartment in devil's pocket.

Starting point is 01:07:59 That's when he sidled up to me. He was on the short side. Maybe only five foot four. That's short. My mother was five foot four. That's short. My mother was five foot four. Tiny lady. With dry mouse brown hair, clipped into a wonky bowl cut. I don't recall what he was wearing because his face filled my vision, and I swear every

Starting point is 01:08:16 single feature was somehow different from one side to the other as if two different people had been stibized together. The eyes were especially uncanny. The lower eye was large, watery, and gray, with a heavy exposed upper lid. The higher one was small, keen, and brown, the upper lid nearly hidden beneath a seemingly Asian epicanthic fold. Their effect together was mesmerizing. Hello, can I tell you a secret?" he said in a panting, eerie voice, not unlike Peter Laurie's.

Starting point is 01:08:50 Despite the fanatical noise, I could hear him perfectly. Uh, okay I guess. The world is going to end in nineteen years. He tapped the label of my soda bottle. So enjoy that beverage while you still can. So that's 2027. It's a long time from now. Okay I said quite put off I tried to back away from the gross profit but it was all hooligans all the way down and there was nowhere to go. God told me because I'm his only son I was born to a virgin in Bethlehem. Oh wow that's crazy. I said through clenched teeth. He also told me that the government would sterilize old man in 2026 chemicals in the water. Oh yeah that's

Starting point is 01:09:41 a Bethlehem in Pennsylvania. There is. Oh yeah, we went to the casino many times. It's horrible. But if I found my, my Mary Magdalene, before then, our children, there was a miraculous rush of air, followed shortly by the beautiful music of metal grinding on metal, the southbound train was arriving. Our children would be born fertile and without sin!" The train screamed up to the platform. Will you be my Mary Magdalene? As soon as the doors parted, I wormed into the crowd, impressed into the already royally sardined train. He made no attempt to follow.

Starting point is 01:10:21 His expression didn't even change. He just stood there, dumbly next to the AED pack, his motley eyes piercing me until the train pulled south, and he exited my life stage left at a decent clip. At the next stop, Girard. The train bled a good number of hooligans bound to disperse their lunacy into the RS and E lines. I could finally take a seat and exhale. Then the train spurred and we were chugged south again. Suddenly a shadow fell over me. It was a transit cop.

Starting point is 01:10:49 Close one. Miss, I know it's a special occasion, but you can't have booze on the train. Come on! He said tiredly. It was only 10pm and his blues had already been dappled with brown polka dots of dried blood. I immediately hefted up my bottle of A-Treat. Oh no sir, this is just soda

Starting point is 01:11:05 I squeaked. That's when I saw that the liquid inside had transubstantiated from electric blue to a deep wine red. I was dumbfounded. The cop snatched the bottle for me and twisted the cap. The lack of a hiss was deafening. He sniffed the contents. Oh yeah? Since when does a treat make a merlot? Oh weird It was Jesus. Yeah, he was that's what Jesus was probably like. Yeah, super creep Super creep is that are we done? You got another one? I got another one and I picked this one because it was short I picked this one because it was short. Yes.

Starting point is 01:11:44 It was also, it looks like it's written by a madman. There's no like sentence breaks or so we'll see what we'll see what happens here. It's called the clicking by Johnny maps. Go Johnny maps. It's just Johnny map, but you got to throw in a, oh yeah, sure. Of course. The clicking and tapping has been getting louder each day 333 a.m. every night I open my eyes and my clock

Starting point is 01:12:14 say 333 a.m. click clack click clack tonight is different though I hear the clicking and the tapping and now creaking. I open my eyes and what? It's 336. I search with my eyes surveying for the source of the creaking and I look in the direction of my closet. Why is my closet open? And why are there two shining things floating inside? My eyes acclimate to the darkness. Two eyes? I jump back, but she was quicker and she hurtled towards me. Eyes and predator-like teeth glowing in the darkness. I feel her clammy, loose, and hairless skin as she mounts me, ripping my flesh with her long, sharp, musty, talon-like nails. Her blood-curdling screech bursts my eardrums as I fight for my survival.

Starting point is 01:13:21 Do you want to do the screech? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH She lifts one hand in the air to deliver what has been a final blow, but I catch it as it's coming down. Oh, sorry I'm ruining your chaotic story. The last thing I see is the clock showing 3 39 before she shoves her rotting nails into my chest. I shoot up sweating breathing profusely. What kind of dream was that? I look over to the clock three 36 AM and that's when I hear the clicking, the tapping and the creaking. Yeah. That's the story.

Starting point is 01:14:07 Yeah. It's a lot of creaking, a lot of tapping, a lot of cracking tips. It just sounds like fucking, you know, living in New York tip, tip, tip. Oh, what a scary day. Oh my God. Oh, you know, and our audience gets scarier and scarier each week. Oh, the grammar. We are going to so scared of the grammar.

Starting point is 01:14:26 I want to say thank you to everybody who sent in. We had many of them. We still like the goal is to use these again. So I want to make sure we have a lot of them. I just wanted to make sure we got to stories today as well. We had so many fucking crazy stories. Lots of crazy stories, lots of listener pastas. And now we say we have lots of them, so

Starting point is 01:14:46 Don't write more. No, we got them now. We got them We're gonna do we're gonna work through this and then I will ask for more again. Yeah, I promise you So thank you guys so much for listening. We got back this week. We're finishing We're gonna do more the Kruger's door cult murders for Halloween week And we had a lot of stuff coming down the pipe. Also look out for something very special coming out tomorrow, Halloween day. We have something very little, a special gift for you. So go to patreon.com slash slash, like us on the left. You can watch us talk.

Starting point is 01:15:11 You can watch the livestream live on Tuesdays at 6 p.m. PST, whenever you get the chance. And side stories, we always put out the video episodes a couple days after on YouTube. So if you want to look at us while we do this. Please do. Go to twitch.tv slash LPN TV to see all of our twitch streams. And if you don't see them there live, go to our YouTube, which is just go look at last podcast on the left on YouTube.

Starting point is 01:15:33 It's all on there and then go to last podcast on the left dot com to buy tickets to our Los Angeles show. Please also tomorrow on Halloween at 5 p.m. Pacific 8 p.m. Eastern. We got the Hoopa Goo Goo game coming back. Yeah. Good put is also coming back Wednesday. Oh, nice. That's today. Yep. Great tonight. Oh, yeah. And good put cast is also coming out Halloween. We got a lot going on. There's a lot. We've a lot of the fact doing a

Starting point is 01:15:58 lot of shit, man. Yeah, a lot of shit over here. But check out Hoopa Goo Goo game. It's going to be Amber Nelson and I and Judge and Contestant 1 and Contestant 2. So we'll have a lot of fun there and go ahead and listen to the brighter side. A cynic's look at optimism. You fucking love it over there. Yes. Please take a look on the brighter side every once in a while. Ah, yes.

Starting point is 01:16:20 You dirty fuckers. Hail Satan. Hail Mandarino. Yeah, sure. Your love. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Halloween Ham

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