Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: The Zizian Cult Murders

Episode Date: February 5, 2025

Henry & Eddie bring you this week's wildest stories and true-crime news - starting off with a series of killings connected to the radical vegan trans death cult "The Zizians", members of online "Gooning" community hold "Goonlord Vigil" aka "Gooneral" for deceased Arizona man caught masturbating at Bikini Coffee Drive-Thru, a scorned ex-lover's farting selfies land UK woman in hot water, Listener E-Mails, and of course... Join the boys on the high seas for Crimewave 2025! Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. Sign stories? Yes. That's when the cannibalism started. SIGN STORIES. Yes. Man, last night I was watching Mulholland Drive. Oh, I'm going through it back there. Obviously just the full David Lynch. Yeah, I'm still stuck I watched them Twin Peaks last night. I'm still working on it. It's great. Yeah, it's great But it man you just like forget just how Like sexy that movie is I haven't seen it since the theater. That's good I just remember the little old lady by the dumpster. That's a man, but played by a lady

Oh, okay, but it's labeled as a man. The character is a man, but it's played by the lady that plays the nun. Oh So I'm kind of right you are yeah, but that's pretty good 20-year memory. It's pretty good It's also I just forget because also forgot that it has like he had published the nine things to remember while watching Mulholland Drive To kind of pull it apart a little bit better and it's great. I forgot like oh the movie that actually makes a lot more sense than people say. Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. I'm sure I won't have any idea what's going on. You will. I promise you. Especially once the boobies come out, then you're like, those are boobies. Yeah, you're like, oh and I know what that is. Your Lost Highway made almost no sense. Lost highway makes far less sense than Mulholland

Drive. Yeah, but I think that I was a sliver of sense I viewed lost highway is his most pop savvy film because his soundtrack is scut so big Well, that was a huge sound. It was a huge soundtrack where Mulholland Drive is his best movie Okay, which is so good and then blue velvet's wonderful, but it's the most understandable movie. I feel like a blue velvet Yes, except for the straight story, but it's not for me. That's fine. A lot of people I do. I'm glad to see how many things he can straight stories, children's movie, right? He made a PG movie for Disney that was extremely straightforward. That was very well lit and acted. It's just painfully boring. Oh, I can't wait. That sounds right

up my alley. What you like. Yeah. That's that's I love a boring. Oh, I can't wait. That sounds right up my alley. It's what you like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, I love a boring movie. And welcome to a boring podcast. My name is Henry Zabrowski. This is Side Stories. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. Oh, I'm so sad because of all the boring things in my life.

I wish that I had more exciting things to do, which is why, you know what actually really helps? What helps? Methamphetamine If you just want to so long dude I almost forgot that it existed if you want to add some like a pinch of excitement. Yeah smoke meth Yeah, cuz the vitamin C just ain't cutting it. I really don't tell me chia seeds Yeah, it is not exciting me at all. Yeah, I'm smoking meth and I feel vivacious. I am ready for work. I'm productive Uh, I'm having sex with my wife five six times a day

Yeah, how about the man you having sex with them again? Yes, two three times a day Whenever there's a man around me, especially a police officer that I'm trying to score meth from I'll suck his fucking dick I'll put his baton in my ass. Yeah, it's great I love I love to smoke out of a light bulb with a cop. You really should. You try it. You guys smoke teeth at home. You should smoke. Don't smoke teeth out in the streets. If you're going to smoke your teeth, smoke them at home. See, I thought you were about to segue into promo for our live shows. Oh, we can, we can. If you want to smoke some teeth with us, we

got a big one. Ooh, we, ooh, we, baby. Ooh, we, ooh, we, baby. Won't you let me take you on a city cruise? That's right. Whoa. That's right. That's right. Sides toers is hitting the seas. We're going to be a crime wave coming your way on Royal Caribbean. Oh, yes. So we're doing this crime wave. I saw many people say on sale on Friday. Yes, they do. I many people ask is this I thought this was a bit No, I thought you guys were making this up. No go to the Royal Caribbean website You can buy tickets starting this Friday for crime wave Yeah, we are providing the comedy and I I mean it we are going to Eddie and I were decided one of our bits We're gonna choose top five women on the boat to push off and the top five guys who look like they're gonna push exactly

We are gonna have so much fun and I say our hope honestly I hope we only lose about 10% of the audience Yeah, you cry because here's the thing like if you want to come and you want to see us This is a vacation. You should plan it leaves out of Fort Lauderdale Go to crime wave at see comm slash left to get your tickets on Friday It's from November 3rd to 11 to November 7th, and I cannot truly stress this enough This is gonna be one of the oddest weekends of all of our lives I don't even know why we said yes.

You've got to come to this because I don't know if we're going to do it again. But when you come doing it again, I don't know unless it's the funnest thing that we've ever done. So you're going to come out. We're going to have a blast. And our goal is to bring the true crime to the other two thirds of the boat that doesn't know that there's a true crime cruise happening on their cruise. Yes, that is the beauty of all this. We are going to info dump. We're going to go to that karaoke night, which I'm going to probably host. And I'm going to get a hold of that mic. And I'm

going to tell everybody about the black Dahlia. I'm going to tell everybody about Andre Tickatillo I'm going to ruin the cruise for everyone else for the sake of you come and watch us We're gonna have a fucking blast. That's one announcement another announcement. Oh, I'm gonna host a belly flop contest. Hopefully I've told them it's one of my demands. We have to get an insurance though. Yes. Oh really apparently Oh, okay, just because some people don't know how to properly belly flop You know what it is sure in the middle of the sea? sure But yeah But no I feel like when you flop into the bed like because this is the problem truly with about people that they a lot of People think they can belly flop. Yeah, but you got to be really pretty fat

Oh, there's lots of bloody noses when it comes to the belly flop content. It's a big part of it. A skinny lady. I've seen a skinny lady belly flop and bounce off the water and go off the pool. Yeah, they skip. So again, think about your BMI. Yeah, that's a big thing there. I'm sure you're huge. Yes, please. And we want to also a little and a little other announcement. If you happen to ever hear a pro-Trump commercial on our show, it is some kind of digital artifact. A lot of times they lie, especially people within the Trump administration. They lie, especially evangelical right people,

about what the frame of the ad is. They then sell it on a big group stock, however they do it to these digital companies, and then they just put it in without our permission because under no uncertain terms, President Trump can absolutely go fuck himself. Go fuck, go eat shit, go suck shit, go fuck shit. But that's the last we're going to talk about it because I'm not going to let us become Jimmy Kimmel.

We do not want to talk about this motherfucker. No. We're just forced to talk about it because he keeps invading your beautiful ear holes. We're just letting you know we're working on it and that man, I can't wait to see his grave. Oh my God. So let's go into- So the mayonnaise burgers are going to take him down at some point. Very, very soon.

And we have another update. Yes, obviously, which I should have pressed you more on last time. What happened? Is that I did know this, but I did want to ruin this for you what dogs will eat you when you die not all of them It's a some do it has happened. Yes. Yes, but for the most part cats eat more than dogs eat more So here we go. This comes from a vet clinic When you work in an established general practice in an older upper-class community you get to know a lot of the regulars Especially the elderly they usually have a lot of the regulars, especially

the elderly. They usually have a lot of time in their hands. Their pets are usually seniors too, and they are their lifeline to the outside world. I don't know what that's like. Yeah. They also like to get small dogs to spoil them so their health problems are abundant. What? We had these three clients that were a pair of sisters in their 80s and one of their daughters in her 60s Funny as old ladies with the most stereotypical little dogs mini poodles crusty eyes awful teeth and all one day I answered the phone It's the daughter of one of the older two her and have been found dead in her apartment the day before and she wanted to schedule

An appointment to bring her poodles in for a checkup with the veterinarian a sap Her aunt had been deceased for a couple of days at least before someone had checked on her and in the time The dogs each no more than four kilograms had eaten most of her face Especially her lips and nose the tips of her ears Luckily the dogs they were happy healthy and never had any health issues stemming from their little snack The niece new owner of the dogs was distraught and I felt terrible for her but I will never get the image of those three little dogs cuddling with her while licking her face in the waiting room. Yeah I would say you know that's fine you know some poodles they

they'll eat you a little bit you know and they didn't go hard on her. They were hungry! Little lips, some ear lobes. It's not what we're really talking about that's not bad. No, no, no, I think that's okay That's fine. I only know is tootsie has seen a lot of death. Oh, she hasn't eaten anybody Well see tootsie is one of those dogs I can imagine, you know, like she's picky eater But after World War two in Russia, they had these massive food and she was there. Yes Yes, and I think that tootsie would have done very well in the cannibal runs of Post World War two Russia where the people were forced to eat the sickest child of the neighborhood and eat all the dogs And eat all the cats I can see Tootsie there being on the right side quote-unquote of history being like

Yes, eat the infant. Yes. I can see her being like i see oh i heard that grandma was coughing like i can feel like she knows yeah she could do that she knows how to survive yes i know that at least one dog a couple dogs have eaten their owners after they died i'm just saying as a whole all cats do it most dogs don't yes i'm sticking to my guns sure you're allowed you're allowed but you're allowed. But I also want to bring something up to you that I brought up to you when I was venting to you about our veterinary experience, because we also just went to the vet. And I thought it was really funny.

So our little dog, Wendy, right? She's got her fucking little mohawk dyed purple because we're a childless couple with extra money, we don't care, right? And so what we did was that we're sitting there with Wendy and this lady the most typical LA woman I've ever seen how old if you don't mind me asking anywhere from 25 to 60. Oh, okay That's you know that type of LA woman Yeah, she could be any one of those ages and looks great for any one of those decades and Ellen Barkin type Yes, but emphasis on the barking this was. And so what she did was she

asked us, she saw us that we had dyed the hair of Wendy and she said, oh, oh my God, who did that? And we're like, oh, we have this little, we got this little spa for the dog, you know, we take her as fang, groomer, whatever. That's nice. Yes. And she was like I was wondering if they do a procedure so my dog's face is getting so gray Uh-huh as we just die her face Like black so that she can look young again, and we're just sitting there looking at this woman And my first thing is so this is your vet. This is my vet This is no this is the end the vets lot. This is in the lobby

Oh, no waiting room is a lady. It was your vet Oh, yeah, but then she looked at me and and and so my problem is is then I don't have a joke I was like well The thing is is that yeah, honestly with her we were trying to get her face redyed because obviously she's so old I don't know what to do with her We've been trying to figure out what I asked our groomers if we could get her some filler Yeah up in here we get some filler this woman did not Reactions did not react to me did not react like almost seem curious

Yeah, and then we just moved on Natalie want to go we go in the vet I'm going inside of the vet imagine a dog with big beautiful lips I go into the vet we're talking about all this stuff. She's like, is there anything else you want to do for Wendy? I make the same joke. Yeah, I go in there and I say what work. Yes. I know it's She didn't laugh, but I'm sitting here. So I say to the vet She we're sitting here in a moment of silence and I was like Let me tell you do you have a do you recommend anybody that does like local that does dog filler? Because obviously Wendy's just not

Super hot anymore. And so but the vet did not react right and she said Yeah, I guess you got one too. My husband's a comedian as well. And Natalie was like, yeah Yeah, he's a comedian and I'm sitting here. I am one you are one. Yes your husband It's just some funny guy at an office somewhere And how hard is that to be screaming yes Yeah, did you start telling her your credits no, did you tell her about the SNL thing? I stayed in silence because I have class Do you know but no no, yeah, that's a little that's just you know What you get in that's what you can get to experience if you go to a vet in Los Angeles Well, you know one thing that I've learned and the reason why I asked you about your vet's age is

I'm very ageist when it comes to vets. You've talked about this. I don't want no young vet. I know, I like a young, my, I like my vet. All the old, 50 and over. I like my vet. That's what I said, for vets, 50, otherwise they ain't seen the shit.

They don't know what's going on. But sometimes they're just like, kill it. That's what the young ones have always telling me to kill it. Kill it. And the old ones are like like see what he's got. Well tootsies Tootsies almost can fucking buy alcohol. I'm talking about Rambo bunch of kids were like kill him. He's dead Who are these guys at the emergency vet a year ago? Well, it was again They're just don't want to deal with it exactly and then the old-timers like I see what happens cuz they're old

Yeah, they don't want somebody they don't want their daughter to show up and so kill it. That's what I'm saying. Old vets, good young vets work on it. Wow. I'm going to, we're going to get so many emails. We have so many, they should have it. It's hard.

Side stories, LPOTL, gmail.com. I'm pro young, able veterinarians. We need them. I'm going to hear that. If you want to actually show up to work and do your goddamn job They're like, oh I got a family my kids got a game. I got stuff to get to no you work till eight Let's get to some news. Okay, cuz I already feel it already feel the I want the hate. I know I know It's called engagement Now I Was so lucky to stumble upon the story

We've had many people send this story in as well, but I will say this is one of the toughest decipher Stories, okay. I've had to pull apart in a minute and stories. Okay. I've had to pull apart in a minute and it doesn't largely make sense, but we are at the very beginning of this and the only reason why I even wanted to kind of broach it with our peoples was because it's interesting, it's unique, we haven't seen something like this yet. It's our wheelhouse for sure. And it's in our wheelhouse and I just want to track this story for a while and see where it goes. So this is a it's very confusing So just try to follow along with me. No, right this involves are you talking to them or me the humans? No, I'm the show. Yeah, I never talked to you. Thank you. I

hate shit So this involves a cult, uh-huh now they call themselves But I guess we have known themselves they're kind of claim themselves as a group called the zizzians fuck yeah, man Which was built upon it been on some scissors? It's nothing cool about this really okay like literally like the only thing that is sort of cool about it is the fact It's the first hyper Like hyper hyper left-wing. It's a what they call extreme vegan. Okay trans

death cult Really right it is do vegans murder. Yeah. Well these guys believe in extreme veganism they also believe in a system of thought that is so fucking stupid an academic that all it does is Confuse people and it is why people have a hard time with left-wing ideology in the first place. Okay. It's a bunch of word salad that never mind when a cult leader gets involved with it,

it makes it even deeper word salad and convinces a bunch of vulnerable people in the most vulnerable place possible, especially in mid-transition. They are literally courting people and weaponizing them against what they consider to be low-level offenders. So these guys are, right now they are implicated, this group is implicated in six murders. Whoa! One of them.

That's crazy. Yes. That's a lot. But right now we're not quite certain yet. We don't know if they did it. They're not, it's not official official. No. They're accused. The two murders that have definitely been tied to members of this group was one.

A man by the name of Curtis Lind, who was an 82 year old landlord who stabbed to death in Vallejo, California. Okay. And then, on the other side of the fucking country, David Milland, a border, I believe he's a border patrol agent, was also killed in Vermont. The two suspects, and those two separate, but according to police, they now are saying that they are connected. One was the suspect for the Vallejo murder was Maximilian Snyder, and Teresa Youngblatt was for the Vermont one. And now we know that Youngblatt has has been arrested and so as Maximilian Snyder

I am sorry if I'm also dead naming anyone. I will say that some of the writing on this the Newsweek Newsweek did a breakdown of the story and That that whole building needs to just be shut down Newsweek used to be reputable that article was fucking Unreadable and it's supposed to make it all make sense. I'm not quite certain because a lot of these people within this group were transitioning. So some of them, some of them are reporting them as their new names and some of them reporting them as their dead names. And I have no idea which is which.

Well, if they haven't officially changed their name and committed a crime, I imagine They would be known as their legal name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's, again, it's all over the place. But they are, the whole thing is that what these people have done is created a school of thought where they don't believe in surrender and they believe in this kind of, it's a fight between the good and the non-good. And they have this decision-making process called functional decision theory that comes from some highfalutin, old-school, ideological, something kind of like left-wing concept about you're not making decisions every day. I'm butchering this, but it seems one of the layman terms

to kind of describe this is that it's very similar to Uronimus in the Batavia series. Okay. Where all decisions are, there's no quantifiable morality that can be put on your decision-making. What you're deciding between when you make a decision, you're not deciding between results, you're deciding between strategies to get results. So the strategies, so they all you're caring about is the strategy. You don't really care if the results are good or bad because those things don't matter. They view themselves as double good, which means they view themselves at some kind of form. They said it's extreme altruism, mixed with extreme veganism, which means death to all people that are not vegan. citizen world where the goal is to constantly engage in an aggravating way people of low level authority to the point where violence gets involved.

So why did they kill the border agent in Vermont? Was he bringing in moose meat or something? Essentially what happened is that these two, the two people that were pulled over, they were part of this supposed group. The Zizians. The Zizians. They got pulled over. They had already been tracked.

These two people were at a hotel a couple of days before. They looked suspicious. They were dressed all in black, carrying guns around, being really, really extra, looking like Columbine killers. Yeah. Know that if you're going to commit such crimes, if you're wearing that type, people are going to notice. Well, they're doing it on purpose.

They're doing it to be noticed. And so they get told that they got someone from the hotel called the police and said, I'm worried about these people. The hotel manager went to go talk to them. They said they're just staying in town to go look at property that they're going to buy. So the police are already aware of their presence. They get stopped.

And it's literally just within the traffic stop that they decide to shoot at these officers. They just pull their guns and start shooting. Oh, okay. Because they just decided that they were being persecuted and now was the time to begin to shoot. They both got shot, both were shot, but the cop that got shot died. And then- Did they live? Yes. Well, one of them lived. Okay. That young blood who is now going into jail the other and the on the other side of the the world in

California that a man by the lind who was a landlord who owned this piece of land had a group of these Zizzians live on what they believe one of their big Concepts another one is this They don't necessarily believe in personal property as well. So one of the big ideas- They shouldn't have signed the lease. Of course. The central character of the story is known by the dead name of Jack Lasota.

And what they have put together is a series of like from their blog, where they had a blog called Sinceriously, where they wrote all of these very, very long-winded theories about rationalism. This whole thing is an AI vegan cult. But they hate AI. No, yes. Well, they believe that AI needs to be risk mitigated. They work in risk management. These are all people, everybody that seems to be involved within the Zizian cult. They work in risk management, but they're out here killing people? Exactly. But it's because they believe that there's a war that is going to be involved within the Zizzi and cult. They work in risk management, but they're out here killing people? Exactly.

But it's because they believe that there's a war that is going to be happening between the good and the non-good, whatever this means. But this Ziz person for a while was living what they called the rationalist fleet. One of their jobs, the concept was, we'll live for free on boats in the water, which just didn't work. No. It didn't work. Boats are very expensive extremely expensive and you have to park it and it costs money to pay. Go two best days of having a boat Do you buy it? Do you sell it? Amen brother. And then that was a big problem

And so what happened was that a group of these zizzians Were living in... Every time you say their name you sound drunk Zizzians! Come here zizzians! Come here zizzians! I saw you kissing a piano player! drunk. They were living on giant storage boxes. These big like what you call, uh, what are you? They're like, um, import. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you call it? Storage containers, containment units. They were living on containment units on the skies. They were living in containment units on the skies land during the rent moratorium of 2020 and in the California area they had all checked he stopped charging them all rent once the moratorium

Ended the 80 year old man showed back up to say hey I'd like to get rent from you guys now right or you're gonna get ejected yes And then they did the exacting by fucking stabbing him to death. And so they all attacked him. He'd already had run ins with this group before right now. And then another member of the Zizzians. God, it's so rare you feel bad for a landlord. Right.

And it's like another member of the Zizzians killed their parents. So that's that's the other like two deaths that are floating around. We're trying to figure out exactly how organized they are. But all of this comes from the Internet and all of it. It's about being aggressively against anybody that is not in their philosophical system. So when did this all break? Is this new? It's just happened.

Is this like have they been around for a while now? A couple of years. The thing where it really kicked off is that there was a protest in the, there was a protest where it first kicked off where the Ziz is now in jail. There was a protest at this place called the center for applied rationality, which is hilarious because these are all, I also love that all of these reactionary essentially terrorists and cult members all call themselves rationalists. Oh yeah. Because the idea that it's believing that human intelligence will save us.

Yeah, has the whole world gone crazy when you're the one who's gone crazy. Yes, and then AI will also help us if we properly mitigate the risk. But this place for center applied rationality was a local kind of outreach about this rationalist thought and Ziz decided apparently that they weren't, first of all, weren't being included. Then eventually turned into really histrionic accusations of CIFAR essentially telling them that they were like, saying that she, that they were attacked by CIFAR,

like making shit up. Then they did a bad protest at this place during this big meeting. And the way they were dressed people thought They were there to kill everybody instead of doing a protest because they were dressed all scary and they were holding guns And so they all got arrested so they're all currently in jail right now the whole crew is basically in jail They're basically all in jail already Not really, but I would say if you're interested in all because you just you know me Yeah, the reason why I'm even talking about this is because I love cult systems. Mm-hmm. I love thoughts in cults I love the inner workings of cults and what I love is a new one right now

If you go and look it up like you can go and see their entire like they have a whole mission statement that is fascinating at zizzians.info. And I will say it doesn't make any sense. And if you, please somebody try to explain to me what the living hell functional decision theory and this idea of hemispherical thought and on hemispheric sleep. That's what they're trying to teach them to sleep with one half of their brains at another. They're also cutting people off from their family. The big thing with Ziz was telling brand new members essentially like your parents don't get you, you need to kill them. Oh yeah. And, uh, you know,

again, whether they're where you, whether your parents get you or not, don't kill them because when it comes down to them not getting you is why you're cool. Okay. If your parents get you, you're not cool or they are. Yeah. And you're real dumb. That's annoying. Yeah. Your parents are cooler than you. I don't want to think about that. Yeah. What that's up with Riz down with this. Yeah. So go and check it out. Go try to fucking pull this apart. It's just all over the place. I just thought it was a, it's fun to see a baby cult and also see how, you know what I will say truly? These Zoomer cult leaders, you need to spend more time outside of your fucking phones. Okay? If you're going to be

a Zoomer cult leader, I'm going to be talking to my alphas, my gen alphas, the fucking cult leaders. You need to get out there and you need to start working on your interpersonal skills. Yeah, meet some people. You can't hold a cult together with blogs alone. It's not how it works. You need to physically control them. I'm not saying to do it. I'm saying what you should do.

If you want to be better at being a cult leader, you're going to need to go out there and meet people. I'm sorry. I know you're anxious, but you're going to have to go out there and say people. I'm sorry, I know you're anxious, but you're gonna have to go out there and say hi to people if you want your cult to stick together and eventually be attacked by the fucking ADF. Yeah, and also, you know, we gotta work on these outfits. Seriously.

This is crazy. I've caught guys. Like, you should know. Dress cool. If you're not employed, make a costume. Make a uniform for your fucking cult. A tie-dye moomo or some shit? None of you guys are making good shit for the future!

Where's my soul? I want my fucking Order of the Solar Temple, but now! Yeah, I want like headbands and shit. And stop killing just randos and just kill yourselves! Yes, and make the old school! The real cult! Just fucking kill yourselves! The aliens are coming and you gotta kill yourself to meet them.

But first you know just do something fun with it. Yes. But Sisters of Mayhem would be a better name than Zizians. I love Sisters of Mayhem the band. Yeah yeah yeah. Love them. So yeah go look it up. This person will talk about Roko's Basilisk.

I hate philosophy. I like philosophy because I'm trying to sort of get into it. I've been reading it more right. I read some so system. I read a little bit of fucking some style for well What was that? Sound for that doesn't mean anything to me. I saw all through you can keep saying it but you're not really Through side stories LP o TL if you know what Henry's saying Sartre, but I tried to I tried to read it And I didn't fully understand it I've tried to read I've read some niche niche II notch II

Me some I've read Freddy nachos. I've read a lot of Freddy nachos and I kind of fucking get that too So I got I sort of get it. Yeah, so it's one of those where how is this helping I? Do think it would be better for and I've said this I have a lot of friends on the left wing fully left-wing people that I've talked to and they all agree with me which I do I do think so is that the language needs to be cleared up I need to make it so that we can understand it because we're all stupid Okay, and just because we're stupid does it mean that we don't deserve to be educated. Yes Absolutely, so try to help me try to reach me try to understand me I guess you can't I guess you won't I guess you front that's how I know my life is out of love fool whoa

gangsters fucking paradise damn dude That was wild fucking coolio. All right peepee Hanging with Norbert. No he's dead. He's dead. Yeah another one look gone too soon the Patriot gone Alright now that was my first big story of the week all hell's is no But yeah, I just get it's just nice to see a left wing one you never got one. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, that is that is good. Hmm But the other big story this one's huge Again it Mm-hmm, but the other big story this one's huge Again

Who's into gooning who's doing the gooning I It's weird. I didn't know what gooning was then you explained it to me now I'm like remembered that I kind of knew what it was gooning Is like, you know what? I'll say back in our day editing and I were saying this before the show We masturbated with a purpose. That's right, man. We masturbated to come I want to see results I'm not here. I'm gonna feel and see results to masturbate if I just wanted to sit and play with dick and balls I would have been a fucking altar boy, right? I want to go back and be a priest all right

But if I just want to sit and play with my hard dick and balls all day, then it's just like what am I doing? I masturbate to come. Yeah. All right It is fun to play with your dick and balls when it's not hard. When it's not hard. And you just slap it around and scratch it and shit and be like, oh, there it is. Yes. Especially when you're sick.

Oh, my god. It's the best. Yes. But still, used to have a purpose. But these kids found a new way to make gooning have a purpose. Yeah, these guys. Oh, yeah. All right, gooning.

Oh, boy. I do love this term. Gooning may be this simply defined as the state usually achieved after a prolonged edging session when a man becomes completely hypnotized with a feeling radiating His penis that's not good. It's not good. It's gooning is normally you do you don't you get a heart, but you don't come Right. You think it's like it like started as a practice to just last longer. No, I just think they're just bad at jerking off I think men are broken Eddie. Yeah, most of them are. I think that this came from, have you ever left a comment on a pornography video? Never. These are the people that are doing this. These are the

guys with usernames. Yes. Okay. Gotcha. Yes. This, this, this is a very unfortunate. Not that hot. Not that hot. Barely goon. So sad sad. Yeah, I'm almost I almost came. She's so ugly Now you ever see that the Martin Scorsese movie goon do That's actually a very funny idea for a parody It's perfect. We are still holy if we keep it in. Now this story, obviously this story starts sad.

It kind of gets happy. Alright. So a man with the most unusual name of Nautica Malone. He... That is his Christian name? That is his Christian name. And he went viral for a little video now first Eddie I want to show you the video now. This was Filmed outside of a Tempe, Arizona what they call a bikini beans, okay

Now bikini beans for them just those that you don't know it seems to be a kiosk Boiling Sun worse 18 year olds are in bikinis selling coffee hot coffee I can't even have a bikini dangerous, but also the same time fun idea But also these poor ladies are fucking just sitting ducks. Yes and so this man was filmed in the drive through of The bikini beans and we're gonna see right now why this caused a bit of a controversy. Okay He pulls up Have you been here before yeah, sir you need to leave unacceptable unacceptable

So what you don't see no pants on he has no pants on his penis is in his hands, right? He's where he's driving a very manly car. Yeah, he's got a Dodge Charger Now that's a man by Nautica Malone. Now. It's interesting is that he has a beautiful smile He seemed very handsome. He is a husband and he's a husband and father it also seems that this is a I'm going to say repeated behavior because the Barista knew to film the man So he came up he showed his penis and he showed that he was touching his penis the woman that was

Serving the coffee he then went and committed suicide So now to come along went and blew his brains out now because it went viral became his family's gonna find out that he's jerking Off to the girls not even being well. I'll tell you what buddy his family before it went viral Yeah, the family went to shame the bikini barista for putting it on the internet Yes, and she said your son's a pervert Then he committed suicide. So yeah, they tried to be like why did you ruin my son's reputation? And it's because ruined his own reputation. And they decided to take mad legal matters in their own hands and provide some civilian

justice by putting this guy on blast. They didn't put his name out there. They just showed him. It just went really, really viral. He committed suicide. It was bad for this guy. Right? Yes.

You think now end of this sad story, you would think you think. You would think this would be the end of the story. No. The children of the internet always win. Yeah. Well I don't know if they win. No, they're actually all in danger. But what they have figured out is to embrace it, create a new thing. So the gooners of 4chan decided to call they looked upon this man this is a group I don't know what they I don't know they were live streaming though they live stream this is from they call they're called the gooners of 4chan or they are gooners of 4chan this is according to Complex magazine okay they a group of gooners arrived at the Bikini Bains and held a memorial for who they called their Goon Lord.

Nautica and he called them Goon Lord, hashtag Goon Lord. And they hosted whatever the first ever hashtag Gooneral. Gooneral. Where they showed pornography in this parking lot in memory of Nautica. And they had t-shirts made up, a memorial and they had t-shirts made up a memorial good lord t-shirts made up yeah and the funeral was promptly broken up in 20 minutes 20 minutes by the police I know I know that none of this is good but they're so awful but so I will say do they call themselves gooners people who goon? Yes. Yeah, I believe it's goonists

And they practice goonism, yes The goon lord memorial only lasted for a short time, but I think for all of us I think a goon role is now we very rarely see a novel idea put into the lexicon that can really take off in a good way. Yeah. You got to have a guner roll. Like there has to be paid admission, you know, because if you just like for the pornography, for the pornography and like you can't do a guner roll out in public, you know, there's

got to be, you know, there's got to be like waivers and I guess 18 and over. See, I feel like a guner roll. it doesn't have to involve you gooning, it's just more all of them understanding that this member of our gooning community is gone. And that pillar, that corner of our gooner world, I can't hear that... It's like, you know, with the clicks of your dog's nails? Yes. How comforting that is yeah Yeah, when they're always done they're walking on the for goodness the sound of well. Is it that fast or is it just like slowly? Let's just face it Eddie a lot of these guys can't get hard or come anyway

I think that it's gonna have to be like a lot of slapping you got to slap your penis to keep it awake You know and then like you know, I don't know, I've never gooned. I never gooned. I always, you know, shoot to win. You know, I'm on a time limit. I'm a results-oriented person. Yeah, if you're-

I'm a person that must, I am not- Put a clock on it. I'm not wasting my time to not come. No, it seems crazy. That's why I don't even like strip clubs. I love strippers, but I don't like strip clubs. Yes. Because it feels weird to be hard in a public place with friends.

Yeah. Well, you don't have to get hard. You can just have fun looking at boobies. But she's touching your ding dong. You don't have to get a lap dance. Yeah, yeah. I never have. You can just sit there and watch.

Well, I got a lap dance one time at the Claremont. Oh, well, that's- From a seven-year-old woman. That's what you have to do at the Claremont. Yeah. Yeah, so that's, you know, if I ever went to the Claremont, I would have to get a lap dance one time at the Claremont. From a seven year old woman. That you have to do at the Claremont. Yeah. Yeah, so that's, if I ever went to the Claremont, I would have to get a lap dance. We will be going to the Claremont in Atlanta.

Yes! When we had there in June, I think that we should go and host an after party at the Claremont. I think that's a very good idea. Now- Our wives love it! As someone who worked at Hooters, we would run into this kind of shit sometimes.

Like guys would go in the bathroom and start jerking off and shit like that. And we'd have got to kick them out and stuff like that. There was guys that would leave horrible tips for the girls. Like they like half a hundred dollar bill or something like that in a room key. You know, like a bunch of horrible human beings.

Yeah, that's not cool. And so I think, but like when I look at this Bikini Beans place, it seems like it's worse than Hooters What it seems like you mean to tell me? Yeah, I think there are business slash morality issues with a bikini barista Coffee institution in Arizona our most pure state. Well, they're one of the best states in the union Our most pure state. Well, they're one of the best states in the Union

It's gonna have a problem with 16 to 18 year olds in Bikinis and what I would only describe as easy rape huts. Yes Then I feel that it would be you think that there's might be problems It's so weird because I have to wear it when I worked in the kitchen. I used to have to wear a hairnet You know and like a bikini just seems like yeah, you know, they know they don't got bushes anymore half of them I know but still but your hair. No you in here down to your butt. Yeah, of course you had to have a hairnet I wore I wore a hat. I'm saying everyone had to have a hairnet or something ladies. Yes, they do Oh, no, not the servers. Yeah, not on the floor, but they're making coffee She's who's coffee though. Yes, it's just coffee. It's just coffee

But they're part of me thinks Hooters has an as like walls Hooters has another staff It's got a bunch of insurance. It has some security. Yes, there's a bunch of stuff where this is just a lone 18 year old in a bikini just waiting to be harassed. Yeah, that is the problem with the Bikini Beans coffee is it seems like, cause like, But I also love it though. I actually like it. Hoarders was like shirts and shorts.

This is a bikini. But I also, I like the concept. I do, I like the concept. I think that they should be allowed to make this concept. I don't mind this. I just think that. I think that hiring the age of the women that work there should be a little higher. I honestly, I'm going to put it this way. If I was a business owner, right? If I was a business owner of a bikini beans, minimum

35. Oh yeah. No, that's how you get a real employee. I think a lot of people should, to be honest, if we focus more on the MILF end of this Yeah, think about how much more money you'd make like oat milk. Oh, yeah Yeah, no exactly oat milk says fun. Yeah, I like this a lot. I like where you're going Oh, it's you because like milk then you could be 25 28 legal crazy legal and you sold it whole milk is what 50 And that's crazy legal and you sold it whole milk is what? 50? Cuz I'm milk can hold her ground

You get a 40 year old woman in there and she's gonna be like you watch your fucking mouth you bastard You don't mean like that's what we need Unless that makes them harder than ever before but I just think it's fucked up Like first of all these kids don't know how awful they're being or they do know how awful they're being. But it's like, it's like the goon Lord's doing the fucking goon or all you think it's bad. What are you talking about? It's like a candlelight vigil for a pervert. We don't even know that this guy was doing it. We don't even know he's a gooner. Well, he wasn't not doing well. He was, he was, we don't know. He would could have been about to come I didn't see that you see if you look at the video again He's not he just got to the window his pants are not there. No, they're not there

Unless he's wearing very thin leg hair hero is a fraud. Yes. I agree Yeah, I don't think Eddie you're right modeling themselves off of some guy who committed suicide the moment he gets caught gooning. You know what it is? He should be fucking thankfully got caught if he wants to be their hero. You know what it is? To be honest, it's not about this man. It's about gooning. Yeah. It's not about Nautica. It's about other gooners coming together and be like, if we could just find a safe place for us to be

certainly not the parking lot of a coffee shop no jizz real if we could form jizz real oh i like for the gunas yes they can go down there to jizz real and they can all goon together as a community yeah and i will give them galveston let's give them galveston. Let's give them Galveston. If we can section off Galveston, we'll give it to the goonists. They can sit in there and they can, because again, it's more just don't rub your lifestyle in our face. I don't want it anywhere else.

Literally don't rub it in my face. I want you to go down to with Benjamin Nutanyahu in Jizz Wheel and just just and then finally maybe they can come. in Giswil and just and then finally maybe they can come. in Giswil and just and then finally maybe they can come. Nutty Yahoo! Thank you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm not fully, I'm not fully, I'm not fully fluent in Gounish. I'm not fully fluent in Gounish. Well I wanted to say one thing. I don't think anyone should be going to these Bikini Bean stores because they do not treat their employees correctly. I just did a brief search. And first of all, the application's

all about your social media. And none of it's about, they don't even need to put their age on the application. Yeah, and there is absolutely no, I just feel like the coffee is suffering. Yeah, well, the coffee's got to bad, you know, but I don't know I beg it we are we are coming five stars Five stars for girls a bikini serving coffee coffee was good service with good girls were nice. Yeah, right and be this Westwood, New Jersey

Arguably a sexist concept, but it seems to be done for what it is and it's in good fun Brian tried Brian even tried to negate. He even tried to say, I don't like it. He had to basically say, you know what, in the end, it's allowed. This is something that if President Eisenhower had looked upon, he'd be like, and that's why we fought the Japanese.

You know, like, that's what our American flags are for. They used to have this horrible concept there at the Bikini Beans. Are you ready for this? They would make you pay for your training. So if you got trained there, you would then owe them $300 before you ever got a paycheck. Arizona, according to Matt H,

I follow Bikini Beans Coffee on Instagram because of their beautiful baristas. I stopped at this business while I was visiting Tempe. Their coffee is very good and the service is friendly. They were a bit slow getting my odor out. It was great seeing the beautiful ladies and their smiles. I was disappointed when I was unable to get a picture with the girls. They said they couldn't come outside and stay inside the building. Yes. Yes. Yes. They're like a thing that if we stay like within the bulb proof glass, like we don't get taken. It's just like girls keep getting taken. You know? So according back to Matt H, if you want to get a picture,

they said if you stop by about closing time, you can get a picture with them. So a perfect time to stop here would probably be between 9 30 and 10 PM. Is this what the manager told them? This is when the girls are alone and walking to their car? Girls run, run. He gave it us three stars because he couldn't touch them. Good God. He couldn't wrap his meaty reopen paws around them. Fucking Indianapolis, Matt H the India. I can't even imagine the sadness inside of the Indianapolis bikini beans. Oh my God. What that must be like because I just feel like the Indianapolis bikini means it just has me working there

That's for schooning if you live there. Hey, you want a red eye or a fucking black guy? Yeah, you think they're bringing out Bridget when it's 20 degrees out no, they got me bar to be All right, I got the tents about the suit. You got a fucking problem with it Gooning gooning in Indianapolis is just jerking off a bratwurst. I Can't believe it will not come Gooning in Indianapolis. I think is god. That's my it's gonna be my fucking album Here you got to give us some stories before we get out of here. We gotta run through some stories.

We gotta do more. All right. Well, this one, if we only get to one, this one I feel like sparks a debate here. A woman used fart selfies to harass a partner's ex. Okay. A woman- Yeah, this is interesting. This is interesting.

All right. X okay a woman yeah, yeah, this is yeah, this is interesting This is interesting all right a woman who sent videos of herself passing wind in a series of harassing messages to her boyfriend's ex Partner has been given a community order. That's right. Yeah, she got 12 months of fucking parole She got sending fart video for sending fart videos now over what this is UK. This is UK This is the UK so that's a part of it to remember. Yeah, this is definitely is UK. This is UK. This is the UK. So that's a part of it to remember. Yeah. This is definitely the UK. Um, she sent more than, uh, three more fart selfies to Deborah on WhatsApp on December 22nd, right before Christmas. Maybe that's why it was good. I've been a gift. People are upset. Um, four more in the following days. It was one was boxing day. Yeah. She got at New Year's day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is honestly, you know, you got your biggest fucking fart saved up for those days. Oh my god. Because you've been eating ham. After Christmas dinner? Oh yeah, Christmas day, you've been fucking pounding the ham. And then you've been drinking fucking especially, and fucking getting, and the UK, they're drinking a little bit.

All the nogs? All that beer, too. Oh my god, nog. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Beer runs through a woman. So Evans was arrested at her home, admitted to sending the videos and was given a 12 month community order and fines. She suggested she wanted to send videos because she felt her partner was being treated unfairly and said that it was purely malicious. She was smirking throughout and found it hilarious,

but the victim did not find it hilarious. Yeah, definitely not, because that was the point. She's sending fart videos to her ex, which should be one of the most celebrated, non-invasive way to tell someone to go fuck themselves. It really is like the most innocent way to attack your partner's ex. But we have had this happen a lot a lot because UK has a different what they really are more concerned with it seems

They don't like farts as much as we do. Oh, that's not true. You don't think so you think so There are just some this is one thing out that you'll discover even more as you research deep into things in UK Yeah, the type of horny that are really Gross Kurdish couple are into you know what I mean with the big ears big crooked noses Horrible fucking adams apples spindly knees. Yes fucking gray skin. I know how they look. Yeah, right These guys are fucking they're eating each other's farts. They're eating each other's shit

These guys are fucking they're eating each other's farts. They're eating each other shit Yeah, the nice ones, but I'm saying they're like that's a normal couple in some of these smaller towns in the UK, right? Like that's what they do. Yeah, so farts are like they've been doing farts forever Penny Hill like Shakespeare Shakespeare had fart humor comedy bears as well hard fart humor like literally Yes, Shakespeare plenty of farts farts are actually a huge part of the entertainment history of the UK I'm not even being I stand correct facetious. No, which is hilarious to even use a word facetious when you're talking about far culture And so far culture I would never even think to be facetious about fart culture Yeah, right and the fault the first fart joke came back from the to them the Sumerians That's how old fart humor is. The fact that this woman can't freely send.

And because, well, it's because in the UK it seems, when we did the Somerset Gimp, and we did a couple other people, they really, they have a, which I do, I like the idea of- I remember the Somerset Gimp. He would just show up and get stepped on or something. But he would jerk, he would rub his generals

in front of people. And in the UK, they take that way more seriously than we do in the United States of America they take the concept of you breaking my consent by Showing me something. I don't want to see like in America. We're just used to it I mean, I feel like I've just seen so many people fucking I saw a man openly take his shit I've seen men fucking masturbate. I've seen a man openly take his shit. I've seen men fucking masturbate I've seen a homeless woman's open pussy. I've seen all that kind of stuff, right? And it heard back gates is about to be the the surgeon gunnaroll

Taking him down a peg they say the first joke ever recorded was a fart joke It's so silly. I mean, that's how you get kids a laugh It was a Sumerian proverb something which has never occurred since time immemorial a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap. Yeah This woman said that the reason I think I actually had an uber driver say that to me Well at the time she sent the video she had some drinks and then she sent them Understanding that this has caused some the victims some distress the video, she had some drinks and then she sent them understanding that this has caused the victim some distress. Yeah, she tried to.

Yeah, she sent them without malicious intent. Yes, she did. I think she sent them with malicious intent. Yeah, she sent a fart video to her fucking husband's ex. Why is this that complicated or bad? But I'm still like, I know it's rude. Yeah. But I don't see the crime.

How is this a crime? How is it a crime? I don't see the crime. How is this a crime? How is it a crime? I don't see the crime. Sides stories LPOTL at gmail.com. I think most people. Maybe it's harassment. I think people are. Put the ass in harassment.

If you could. But you know what? I've had a couple of people even say that they think that Eddie and I take the side of the bully often. Only because, in my view, is I think that over punishing something stupid, I hate red tape. I hate the concept of, this is something that very much could have been sort of handled between y'all. Right, like you could have been like,

hey, stop sending me fart videos, or I'm gonna come over there and slash your tires or like old school blocker Yeah, you can block the number, you know Yeah, you know what you also could definitely do and I want to say this to everybody with power You know what you can do close your phone. Yeah, it's on the phone You're on your phone too much. All you had to do was just not look at the text from your fucking your ex's new girlfriend Why are you looking at the text don't look at him delete him don't be involved Why so many people want to go back to their exes why people so obsessed with their exes move on just move the fuck on

If they're gonna text you Billy great who cares I'm getting fucking corn hold but by somebody else now I'm bugging with that golf DJ that you knew that I was gonna be with you're getting corn all by golf I play in the character of the X I think the X took it too far by bringing it to the police of course by being like cuz then what this is all doing is just playing you further into the X's fucking world well she knew she had her fucking ass in the sling because now she's got to go to six because her ass was on the fucking phone Not to be anything she looks like she could Really fart. Yeah, she does look like she has some in her but she's cute. I like her. She seems nice This is a creative way to get revenge even though there's no revenge to get why is this the crime?

I don't know why it's a crime, but she has 60 days of alcohol abstinence monitoring and two year restraining order against the victim. What? She has to not drink for two years because of the farts? No, a two year restraining order against the victim, 60 days alcohol abstinence, and 15 rehabilitation sessions.

I will say this lady must love that I just looked up her name Rian and Evans Farts and it's just her. Yeah, you know I mean that if you type in her name That's punishment enough, okay I really do think that the social punishment of her name now being forever tied to the word farts Yeah is enough. I mean, I think it's great for her. Of course. She was smirking. She was visiting her She was shooting herself farting. Yeah, it's funny to do it is On the day after Christmas, it's hilarious. It is funny. You got them far. She didn't have to spell anything with over the phone

Oh, did you? Seriously. You know what? Actually, Eddie, that does bring me to... I actually could further understand if she came and farted on your pants. Or property even. But still, I don't even think it's fine. I think it's fine.

That's technically like I bring the HOA in. Dude, I had this situation. Tell me what you think about this. I almost got in a fight in the bathroom a couple weeks ago. At work? No, no. This is a solo bathroom, so I had to get in a fight in the bathroom a couple weeks ago. I work no, no, it's a this is a solo bathroom So I'm gonna fight with you. Yeah Yeah, it's be kicking the toilet. I gotta fight No, but I'm fucking and fighting kissing tugging so I'm at a urinal and

I let a big old fart out and the guy next to me looks at me and goes, really? I would deck him in the mouth. I was like, oh. We've talked about this endlessly. We have talked about this on this show. We've already talked about this. This debate is settled. Yeah.

You fart at the urinal. Yeah. It's a bathroom. It's a bathroom. You can fart at the urinal. I literally did like, where the fuck do you want me to do it? And then he immediately realized he was wrong. Well, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's, first of all, don't talk to me. I'm a gentleman. I came in here and did it. Also, him talking to you is the violation of the urinal code. Yeah, I got my dick out. The only way you're supposed to talk to each other if you go like, if the only thing he ever should have done was nice.

Yes, exactly. That's what a man is supposed to do. Hell yeah, bud. That's why you know who's really good at this supposed to do. Yeah, that's what you know, who's really good at this trans men Yeah, you get him in that fucking bathroom because they are fuck They can't like that's what I like is a hardcore trans man You could do that thing when you go like fucking dude with the fuck dude, and they're fucking ready to go They're farting they're shitting. They don't give a fuck dude. They're low down man. They're gonna go out there

I'm gonna fucking fight for you. Yeah, man. I got so mad shit. Yeah, that makes we want to get other cis men out Yeah, this is a fucking bathroom dog this is Civil War going on yes I'm farting a bitch party. We know this though, but we've already do we know this yeah on the audience noses. Oh Well, I think we should get this in the center man let's get this the most in a mail Eddie there was a there was a podiatrist You got caught jerking off at people, but we don't need well, I don't see the most Disgusting thing about the podiatrist was the fact that he was a podiatrist without a license Which I think is what kind of pervert you have to be to voluntarily be a podiatrist and then jerking off While you're touching feet all day. Well, he touched tells, well, it's also the sad part about the way, I mean, now we're doing the

story. He got caught because he got, he jerked off in that front window, right? And then the lady called, he's like, I think somebody's jerking off my front window. And then the saddest assignment that a cop had to get, which was then put on duty watching that window and had to watch the man go jerk off at the window, watch him leave, go collect the common little cup. Yeah. You go make sure it's the guy. That's a bad job. That's a shitty day. That's all your job. If this guy was a gooner, he would have never got caught. See? Gunas. Yeah. Some. Yeah some Gunas have a point

No material left behind But also I just really I've brought this up last time we talked about a cum bandit They're not stealing cum. They're leaving it. We don't call them bandits and it's a good shit It's cuz it's not no banditry is happening. I'm sick of these people being called gun come bandits They are just they are essentially they are mailmen for ejaculate. Yeah. All right, so let's let you write Eddie. Thank you. It's so mad. You should. All right, so here we go. Let's talk a little bit about this. I got a couple of go. I got a couple these two letters in a row that I'm excited about. I was peripherally involved in a UAP incident at Vandenberg Air Force Base in 2003. I just transferred to Vandenberg Air Force Base as a security forces staff sergeant in

late October, early November. I was assigned to Delta Flight, which was the night shift. The master sergeant in charge was giving me the tour of all the security areas before I actually started working. He told me that he needed to stop by the L.E. desk, which is what we call the police station for the L.E. desk, which is what we call the police station for the base. The master sergeant went into his office, and I decided to get to know the two guys working there that night. After a while, they asked if I could watch the office while they stepped out for a smoke.

A couple of minutes later, the phone rang. A woman claiming to be a dispatcher with California Highway Patrol was asking me if we had any planes in the air. I told her that due to security reasons, I couldn't give her that information. She then said that two chips were pulled over on Highway 1, which ran through Vandenberg, and were observing green lights over the base. I immediately thought this was a case of play a prank on the new guy, but the new guys stopped smoking and ran in. They recognized the dispatcher on the phone as one as they have communicated with in the past. So she was legit. After a brief conversation, they laughed off the incident

and politely ended the call. Just then, the flight chief darted out of his office and sped off. I was stranded at the L.E. desk for a few hours. Just before sunrise, he returned, saying he had taken eight sworn statements from security forces members across the base Who had all seen a quote red cube? moving silently overhead

That was the last I heard of the incident until yesterday when I saw a program covering the incident on vice Yes, which is okay. It was the cube of that. There is a cube of it. There is a bit Is there multiple cube events? Yes, okay, and cube is a new this is a news shape to me. It's been around there's been cubes I know that is just weird So it's just like a floating square or is it or like this or is it like a like it's kind of cube It's got all right. It's got edges you keep saying cube But how many sides like it looks like that the one that right shot a cube that looks like a D&D die Yes, so that's not a cube. Okay

So that's a cube but that also looks like a D&D die It's cuz you're seeing it's semi translucent So as you can see through it because that's kind of what they're saying It seems to be sort of like a glass box a glass cube. Okay, that's something inside of it. That's mostly what we see We don't know what the hell that shit is. So cubes are, this is old news kind of. Yes. Alright. But this is new news. This next one's new news.

Alright, alright. That was a kite. That's about to be a balloon. Unfortunately. Now this one, I think that it's also going to break on some conversation. Alright. Because I really think that this is egregious. You alright? I'm gonna throw up. This week's segment on buffet related crimes. Oh, please reminds me of a crime that I witnessed many years ago

My husband and I were out at our local Chinese buffet unusual enjoying our usual date night dinner After working up a mighty appetite canoeing and swimming all day. I know what that code for Yeah, getting canood but sex. Yeah I know what that code for Yeah, getting canood but sex. Yeah Good good good good. Now you've gone too far. I'm trying to figure out a new one. I know My blood you I eagerly grabbed my plate ready to slam my holes all floating out summer says Oh and get into the line ready to load up on some Americanized Chinese goodness

To my horror. I saw an enormously fat woman in line directly ahead of me picking out all the remaining beef Out of the beef and broccoli. It's rude, but I don't know it's allowed Yes, it is not I would be upset. Yeah, it is all especially out of the beef and broccoli. It's rude, but I have to say it's allowed. It is not. I would be upset. Yeah. Especially out of the broccoli. So you mean to tell me this is a dish by the name of beef and broccoli.

You don't just get to pick out the meat and leave none for everyone else. Doing that kind of shit in public makes all of us either, all of the rest of us fat people look bad. He's correct. Or you lose weight because you're just going to have broccoli. But no, it's all covered in the sauce. Same.

Same. Right? I went back to my table with my beef and broccoli list plate and complained bitterly to my husband, but face staff did put out a new tray within 10 minutes, of course. Great. But the damage was done. To this day, the beef and broccoli lady is mentioned in our house when discussing shamelessly gluttonous behavior.

Yeah, because that is the truth. Don't let people see it. You know, I get it. People don't like vegetables. You need to learn to like vegetables. Oh, God, I just got a lecture today. You got to like vegetables. Yeah.

But the people don't like vegetables, but you got to mix them in and you got to at least pretend for other people. Yeah. Pretend for other people. You know what I do think? But she could have been, it could have been one of those situations Where you know like sometimes you're at a Chinese buffet and they will like take the food You don't eat and like weigh it and charge you that does happen and she knew she wasn't gonna eat the broccoli and she didn't Want to get charged well?

She just didn't do something that has no broccoli in it whatsoever well Then there's to pretend you need to put out a beef only dish. Where's the Mongolian beef? I don't think that was there. It's yours to be even broccoli dish You can just eat some of the broccoli's I that's what I think you need you can she can eat some of the broccoli But I'm just I'm giving I'm saying I understand where she's coming from I think this might actually cause some debates. I'd stories LP o TL a gmo.com Yes, did you feel like there are people that will say that it's a buffet you're allowed to pick elements? Yeah, but part of me thinks that... I hate pea shoots. Well, just the concept of you...

If there was a chicken and there were pea shoots in there, I would work around the pea shoots, especially if I was able to do it. I'm just locked in by a sense of a supreme food-based embarrassment. Like the idea of choosing the ends of the meat that are left would make me... I know that I'm disappointing someone. Yeah. And because I know... But you also are, I know that I'm disappointing someone. And because I know. But you also are a line cutter.

I'm not a line cutter. Yeah, you admitted it. No, I'm not. Last week you said you cut the line. I was absolved by people saying that no, it's true, on a second swipe through, you can go to the food that you want. Yeah, you were absolved by a bunch of other rude gooners.

No, nude good guys, good no good guys good people Yeah, people who also cut the line places to go things to do people to see things to make no I'm a love to me. You're in a buffet. You shouldn't be in a rush if you're at a buffet Yeah, you look sometimes you have to be because business calls. It is a quick way to get food it is Well, just know the idea there's some rules. They don't double dip I be respectful what you're turned in line give the other diner space. Sure. But still I was going, I'm just looking for a break in the, don't eat in the line. Don't tell me what to do. These rules are Google AI. I don't want to listen to Google AI. No, no, you can eat in the line.

What? Yeah. No, you can't. Absolutely. That is fucking unsanitary. You really think you can't eat in the buffet line? Well, I have trauma because when I was a child, I got caught eating mushrooms at the Ponderosa right out of the not mushrooms, marshmallows out of the out of the right out of the dip. And then it was right by the soft serve. And I was just eating the marshmallows. And then I went back to my table and the guy who the manager came over and he's like I'm sorry, but I'm afraid of you all have to leave because this child was eating the marshmallows and then I was like six

This is really my father was happy though because he got a free meal You know, I did not know what I stumbled upon Especially to ponder I do feel like yes, I see why you're upset and why you are upset. Why this is as the story really does ring true for you. Oh my God. The crime wave has a midnight buffet every night. Dude, I'm going to be a king of that midnight buffet. I fucking can't live every day.

Some goddamn shrimp. You live every day. This! You better be some goddamn shrimp on that buffet. You live every day, this Thursday, this Friday, waiting for those tickets to come out for this cruise. And then you are going to love the fact that you have purchased not even two, I'm saying one ticket to the crywave at C.com slash left this Friday. And then you were going to laugh your entire cruise when you're out there because we are going to fucking cause some fucking mayhem on this cruise. Well, we can only do it if you're there.

And I mean this, we don't get more money if we sell more tickets. We're literally on a, there's not even, I mean it. We are literally just doing, I need you to come. There are gonna be some normies there who are gonna be very upset about what they're CSA it's gonna be wonderful and you're gonna love and that's why all I'm saying is that like so we dyke We're not even pushing tickets because we make more money to sell the fucking tickets. We're literally pushing

I just want you there. I want you there. I want you to see What in the living how this is gonna be sinister hood is also doing it so that's gonna be cool They're there and I'm certain they'll be doing a lot of stuff So you we can bring your white wine and you sit you guys are all bring the white wine You have to buy what's on the boat. Yeah, and then you bring it to the shop. Yeah Yeah, some of these ladies gonna be some intense late. We're bringing our wives. Oh very much protection I was actually thinking about bringing extra security. I just I want to I you know what I want is the crew from fucking What's his name? I'm from?

the Gaddafi Oh Gaddafi, you know the security didn't do a great job. I must say Anal knife thing. Yeah, he wasn't a good boss That's the problem a great boss Gonna be chair comm slash last podcast and left and watch me be a great boss on side stories. I'm a great boss. Go to pgo.com slash last podcast and then watch me be a great boss on Side Stories. Cain Pixels. Yeah, Cain Pixels is already here. Our interview with that child went great. Yeah, he is.

He is so much smarter than all of us. God, he's very intelligent. It was intimidating in a weird way. And talking with him, I felt like I wanted to ask advice of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In my mind, I'm like, I gotta give this kid advice. Then I'm like, what are you talking about? He's fucking directing a movie. He knows everything. He knows everything. He's very, very smart. Go check that out and go to our on our socials at LP on the left.

You can go take it all on a tick tock. Go help China leg up over on tick tock and go to twitch.tv slash LP and TV to watch our Twitch streams and then go to our YouTube channel where we currently have honestly I think our greatest triumph and good put yeah. Oh, it was a great episode I love our episode of the the the New Year's Eve resolution. Yeah, check up. Yeah, bad cop fat cop. Yep It's really and also tomorrow on Thursday February 6 is the hoop akugu gamer coming back

Hgx to Natalie's gonna be on the show. Yeah, We got Frank Castillo and Mike Lawrence judge. It's going to be so much fun. It's going to be a really great one. And then make sure you check us out on the road. We got February 22nd in Dallas, March 14th in Nashville at the Ryman auditorium. And then side stories. Just Henry and I is going to be in Huntsville on March 16th. We got April 18th, Detroit, May 3rd, Toronto, June 28th, Atlanta. The 29th is already sold out for side stories at dad's garage. Yep. The other one, but we are ready to go with these. These shows are going to be fucking great. I can't wait. And then we're going to announce some more Florida dates coming up for side stories. And I'm doing a full, uh, solo standup tour, which I'll be announcing

next week in Florida in March and in May, so get ready for that. If you live in Florida, it's gonna be a lot of fun. I love you guys. Yeah, fuckers. Hell yeah. Hail Satan. You know what?

Hail Satan again. Thank you. Yeah, and down with the gooners. Hey man, I say up with the gooners, and why don't you go ahead and come, guys? Yeah, just come, man. Here's your fucking permission. That's my problem. Here's your fucking permission.

That's my problem. Use your permission to come. Just give it a shot once, see how it goes. Just once we can get them, then we can kind of get their brains back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get rid of one, because I think you're backed up with all that extra semen that's making you make some bad decisions. We're supposed to come guys.

Yeah. All right, like you want to get it out of your prostate, you want to be coming at least 20 times a month for the sake of fucking lowering your literally just to lower your state your Get possibility of getting prostate cancer. Yeah, so it's fucking goon it for your health Don't goon it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah Cume it for your health