Leah on the Line - 36: When is 'too soon' to move on & learning about a partner's past with Clare's Law

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

Hi babes! Thank you so much for joining me for another episode, I absolutely loved this one (even though I say that every week). We spoke about everything from how to deal with someone moving on too quickly, to whether or not someone's past should be considered a red flag. I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did! Thank you so much for all the love and support, you are the best friends ever! As always send in your confessions/dilemmas to [e-mail]. Love you! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello hi everyone welcome back to a brand new episode of leah on the line how are you happy tuesday how was your weekend i hope it was really good Did you have a hangover yesterday? Oh wait, no, it was Monday yesterday. Did you have a hangover on Saturday or Sunday? I did not go out this weekend. I had a really nice weekend chilling. I'm back home in Somerset, but I'm going to Tenerife. I'm going to Tenerife on Saturday. Oh yeah, I'm ready for it, honey. You bet I'm ready for it. Oh my God. I've been on a family holiday since I was 15, literally 15 years old. I haven't been on a family holiday. Like, can you believe that? It's literally 10 years. Oh my God, it's 10 years. And I'm really excited. So if anyone's in Tenerife

next week, hit me up, babe. Do you know what I mean? Let's go out. Let's go get drunk, clear on the line, get together, you know? Anyway, I hope you guys are really good. sorry to rub it in your face if you're not going on holiday but i've missed you guys so much i hope you had a really good weekend today we're back with the usual tuesday episodes you guys know we do the dilemmas we've got a weekly debate coming let me know what you want for friday's episode this week like what should we do do? The blank episode, the what? You know, I'm really excited. I really love this Friday content because we get to just do whatever we want. And like, I love the freedom, you know, I love it. I love the freedom we have every Friday. So let me know any ideas you guys have. But do you know what? I haven't really got anything to

update you on. So I feel like without further ado, let's just get straight into the episode. No messing around today. Okay, so we have a really interesting weekly debate this week. I was actually really shocked that we haven't done this already. Like I felt like we'd already had this debate, but I checked through and we've never done this. So I'm really excited to dive in you know so this week's week um let me god I really oh my god the the messing up my words has started already honestly honestly I can't honestly seriously who likes her on TikTok the girl that's like let's not talking cunt I love her honestly I

need to get her on the pod oh my god everyone dm her i can't even remember her name but every time she comes up i think oh i love your face just seriously seriously let's not talking code anyway fucking elia jesus christ how irritating can you be i really feel like i'm one of the most irritating people on the planet and like you guys listen to me in headphones like are you guys actually okay like is there something wrong with you guys like why would you want to listen to me i'm not complaining like love you so much i mean please don't stop but honestly i couldn't listen to me jesus christ when i edit i'll just fucking skip through because i can't bear the sound of myself anyway weekly debate the weekly debate this week is how soon is too soon to move on after a breakup. Now, I really felt like you guys would be like,

oh, at least a year. You need to heal. You need to heal. But you know what? We've got some very different responses. So let's just dive in and read them out. This girl says, never too soon. I broke up with someone who wasn't right for me and found my person. Oh, I can't see the rest of her message. Sorry about that. But let's just say probably quite soon. Anytime everyone moves at different paces, but make sure it's not just a rebound. Oh, yeah. Preach it, girl. Preach it. I'm with you on that. Someone says a week later. Yeah, I mean, Jesus, Jesus, a week, seven seven days it took you seven days to get even imagine that i'd actually cry um i met my current partner a month after i ended it with my ex and i'm the happiest i've been anywhere up to one month is too soon someone says best way

to get over someone is to get under someone i mean i don't know if that's true because i mean i feel like sometimes you might do that and then be like well i just feel like a piece of shit now like i feel like sometimes you do that and be like oh i just feel so shit you know but then sometimes i feel like it's like it's it's it helps you dip your foot into the single life and it makes you realize that it might just be a whole lot of fun so I can see how that would help someone says within 12 hours I mean yeah if we're talking the same day babe then Jesus I mean Jesus um within the first six week how six weeks however soon you feel comfortable in my opinion if someone moves on

quick it's because they mentally checked out of that a long time ago depends how long you've been checked out of the relationship just not how long it ended you've got to do what you've got to do to feel better be it 24 hours or two years jesus why did i just like freeze then depends how long you've been together you know when you're ready most cases it ended long before it actually ended somebody says there's no such thing um they say half the time you was together but sometimes a distraction is nice okay half the time we discover so that means it should have taken me a year and three quarters to get into something else that went well moving on um there isn't a time from it's whenever you're ready depends on the right person right um took me two months of hell followed my month followed my a month i'm gonna assume she means by a month i'm really struggling with the reading today if you haven't clicked off the episode

already i love you so much really appreciate your commitment to lear on the line took me two months of hell followed by a month of dating before i met the right person so three months in total been together four months now and all going really well makes me question why i was with my ex for six years although i will say that i received a lot of judgment for moving on so quickly yeah i feel like people judge don't they like why do you care well you actually care i mean it all depends on the environment of the relationship um it's less about a time frame and more about a state of mind it's too soon if you're still thinking of your last partner every

day take as long as you need to process the breakup i'm with you on that one when you know you still love them need to make sure you're over them before you move on six months at least i think it depends if you've been mentally out of it for a long time a lot of you guys are saying that i feel like it should be half the length of the of your relationship to get into something serious um my recent ex-boyfriend had a new girlfriend four weeks after we split we were together six years ouch never let it never let it happen naturally i thought it'd be a year i thought it would be oh my fucking god i hate myself today I thought it'd be a year and a four year relationship, but it took months. It took two months. Oh my god, I hate myself today. So my opinion on this is whenever the fuck it feels right, like I got, not really that much,

but I got like a couple of messages being like, you move on quick. And people was like, oh my god, do you think it's okay that you moved on so fast? was like yeah I actually think that says a lot you know like like a lot of you are saying a lot of the time in relationships you know it's over before you physically are separate like a lot of the time you can be together and you just don't feel like you're together anymore so that when you're when you physically separate mentally not a lot changes it's more you have to go through the final stage, which is like acceptance, you know, like, especially for me, but in breakups, I grieve the relationship as I feel it's ending before it's officially over. Like

when I'm in the relationship, I'm like, oh my God, my relationship's ending. I'm losing this person. I'm heartbroken. And then you go to the next stage which is like this can't happen like I want to be with them I'm going to fight for the relationship and then you have to go to the next stage where it's like I don't think this relationship's going to work what can I do and then you go to the next stage blah blah blah you go through all these stages before you both have that conversation where you you agree you know or you know whatever if one person breaks off with the other and you're like this, you know, this relationship's over. And if that's the case, then I can imagine people move on quick. But it's also like quick

according to who, like, you know, you guys remember that girl who sent in a dilemma and was like, oh, I've broken up with my boyfriend but like I haven't even cried I thought about doing it for months and I finally feel like a a weight has been lifted I think when you think about leaving a relationship you get this release of like months of of like fear and pressure and guilt and then you end it and you're like like, oh, I've done it, so if that is the case, I can see how it's easy to just meet someone and catch feelings, because mentally, the relationship ended a while, a while back, so yeah, honestly, I'm with, I'm with a lot of you on that one, I do totally understand where people are like, I think you need to be single for a long time, especially after a

really long-term relationship, because you can lose yourself in a relationship. And it can be difficult to find yourself again and find who you are now, because that person might be different to the person that you were before that relationship. And you're like, okay, who am I now? And like, how do I function as a single solo person, you know? And if that's the case, I think totally normal, like you spend time on your own, whatever feels right for you. But if you do move on quickly, do not let anybody tell you that that isn't the right thing to do. Obviously, there are situations where you jump into a relationship because of negative feelings, like you feel rejected, you want validation from somebody else or you're scared to be alone or you have like abandonment issues or whatever. Like I can totally understand how it can

be a negative thing but I feel like deep down you know if it's if it's a good thing and if it's for the best and at the end of the day who fucking cares like we keep saying this on the other line we're all gonna make a conscious effort this year who cares okay next year because it's coming up the end of the year who cares what anyone thinks do you know what i mean who fucking cares i don't care what i do i do i really care but i'm working hard not to care all right i don't care i don't care i do i really do but anyway really interesting weekly debate i actually was so curious to see your guys's response and i was so um like i i didn't i really did expect a lot of you to be like be single for a while like get over the person I really did expect a lot of you to be like, be single for a while,

like get over the person, la, la, la, la. But a lot of you were just like, whenever you want, babe. Do you know what I mean? And I love that from you. Supportive, amazing, best friends. I love you. Okay, let's get into some dilemmas. All right. So this dilemma actually leads us on from the weekly debate so if you have been a listener since day one you may remember this dilemma but if not we're just going to read it anyways so hi leah this is not so much a dilemma but more of an update and a question you may remember me as one of your first listeners to write in and we even had your mum on the line to offer her advice you guys remember when we called my mom mid-episode so she was like i'm bored in my relationship i don't know what to do i don't feel the same about my boyfriend and my

mom was like we'll try and salvage the relationship first so you can say that you gave everything before you walk away you know anyway i ended things on my boyfriend two months ago and i still have down days but on the whole i am so. Congratulations. I'm so happy for you. I love you so much. My question is, a guy I've always fancied since school days messaged me a few weeks after the breakup and we've now been speaking ever since. How soon is too soon to be dating someone or considering to date someone? Is there a too soon? I know I shouldn't worry what other people think, but I worry that people will talk about me and say it's too soon after coming out of a relationship thank you so this definitely just kind of leads us on from my um last statement of the weekly debate of just like

honestly all you need to worry about is what you think and if you're okay with it and if you in your heart feel ready and if that is the case, if you do feel ready, then no one's else opinion actually matters. Like, you know how we were saying in the self-love episode, like, what everyone else thinks of you is none of your business. That is, that is a them problem. It is none of your business. And who actually cares? Like, who cares? If I meet somebody and I'm really happy with them, you should be proud of yourself for walking away from a relationship, for not being selfish and holding somebody else in a relationship that you weren't 100% in you know and if you've met somebody

now that you're really willing to get to know on that level then there's absolutely nothing that should stop you if you feel like you're ready to do that and you know nothing bad can come from it besides worst case scenario it doesn't work out or you you later down the line go do you know what maybe i should have been single for a while you can be single again you know just prioritize what you think is best for yourself and do not overthink it do not worry too much okay i love you so much okay next dilemma this one is so interesting i'm obsessed with it. Okay. It says, I'm in love with a criminal. Okay. I'm just, I can't wait to get into this. Hey Leah, love the podcast and love you. I love you too. So I've been seeing this boy for the past two months. He's sweet, caring, kind

and attractive. He always messages me and takes me on amazing dates. He is just my type, he always messages me and takes me on amazing dates he is just my type but he has a past three years ago he was in court for a fight on a night out the boy nearly died and he nearly faced time in jail but somehow he managed to not face time my friends say this makes him a walking red flag and i should run but the way he treats me is so lovely i can't help but want to give this a chance help would this put you off completely or would you give him a chance i've attached pictures for you because i know you love to put faces to the to the dilemmas lots of love online bestie i love you so much can i just say i know it's so probably i mean oh my god i'm getting so mad at myself sorry if i chatted in your ears sorry if

you're driving oh my gosh anyway i know it must be so annoying when I look at photos because none of you guys can see them but we have a gorgeous gorgeous girl on our hands everybody beautiful big amazing eyes luscious curly locks gorgeous girl gorgeous um and we're looking at the boy he you know he's a handsome guy. He's cute. You look great together. So my first, I don't know, response thoughts on this one are, if any of you guys don't know about Claire's Law, I feel like this is something really important that I should talk to you guys about just in case there's anybody listening that doesn't know. I say that basically you know you can have fights on nights out and like it happens all the time like guys not aggressive not dangerous people like they can just get into a fight on a night out and just like go a little bit too far and he just could

have got himself in this really awful situation hopefully it was a massive lesson for him and he would never like lose control like that again but you know it does not hurt to be careful um and especially as a woman like i think everyone in general should just be cautious especially when it comes to like danger do you know what i mean not to like be really dramatic but let me talk to you guys a little bit about claire's law so it's basically a scheme where you have the right to ask the police for a disclosure of anything on your partner's records that might suggest that they could be dangerous so any sort of um history of violent crimes or domestic abuse like anything like that you can also request this as a third party so like say your sibling or your

mum or your daughter or your I don't know if you can do it for a friend maybe I'm sure you can and you think that somebody you know might be dating somebody who you're a bit cautious of you can also request this as well as a third party and then the police will check their record and then they will then decide if they feel like they should disclose any information to you. So like say they had on their record like a history of domestic violence, they can disclose that information with you. And you know what? It's an amazing thing. It came from a woman who made loads of reports. Her name's Claire, obviously. She made loads of reports her name's claire obviously she made loads of reports to the police about her boyfriend i think they might have been separated i don't know

completely but um she made loads of complaints about to the police about how like he made threats to kill her and like some really awful shit that she went to the police for help with um and they just didn't do enough um and he had a history of i think he kidnapped one of his ex-partners he had a history of violence and it ended very very very fucking terribly and now we have this amazing thing that claire's family actually appealed for called Claire's Law. So you have the right to ask the police for any violent history, any domestic violent history. If you're with somebody and you and if they feel like you might be in danger with that person, then they can disclose that information to you. It is up to them if they want to disclose it. If they make the decision that you might be at risk, then they will

disclose that information to you. But you have the right to ask, essentially, is what I want to say. Now, that sounds very dramatic because obviously we're like, he's just had a fight and a night out. But it's honestly the first thing that came to my mind. I feel like that's probably only necessary if it does get serious with this guy, because obviously you said you're only dating him. But it just reminded me of Claire's Law. And then I was like, you know what? How have I not spoken about this on the pod before? Like, I don't know.

I just hope if anyone didn't know that. And you're in a position where you might find that useful or helpful. I just wanted to put it out there anyway. I love you guys. Be safe. Fuck. But I also want to say that, like I I said you can just make these kind of mistakes you know he could just be a genuine guy he could just be you know he was out on the town being a

bit of a lad it was obviously a few years ago so he was younger you know hopefully he's grown from it he was honest with you about it clearly which is really nice I'm assuming that's how you know about it you know which we can really appreciate the honesty because essentially he didn't have to tell you that. Like, I don't know, I respect it if he's been really open and honest with you. But you know, people can just make bad stupid decisions, especially drunk. So I don't immediately think like,

oh my God, run, like this is gonna go really badly. But I can totally see why your friends would be a bit like a red flag. But because it's just not just a fight on a night out, like that can totally see why your friends would be a bit like a red flag, but because it's just, not just a fight on a night out, like, that can end fucking terribly, and, you know, we've all heard about stories like that, but luckily, you said, the boy, you know, it almost ended like that, but thank God the guy's okay, and yeah, I can just see how that would happen, like, it happens all the time unfortunately like

fights on nights out it's I hate fights honestly if there's a fight on a night out I'm literally crying and going home like I hate it so yeah I can I don't think he it makes him a walking red flag I don't I do believe fights can just happen and hopefully that doesn't mean like he's this really aggressive person but if it does get serious and it does end up um you do end up in a relationship I think if you ever start to see red flags and he you know if he ever gets like aggressive with you know at the beginning it's obviously going to start slow if it is going to go that way but you know it's really important to just know about Claire's law just as people like if you didn't know that it's really helpful to just know about it so I just wanted to mention it but yeah I'm not saying like oh my god run for your life like no I'm not saying that don't worry

um but honestly keep me updated with that I wish you all the best I hope he's a lovely guy I'm sure he is um and yeah honestly good luck babe I think it will be fine but just wanted to let you know in case I love you so much next dilemma okay hi Leah firstly love you know in case. I love you so much. Next dilemma. Okay. Hi, Leah. Firstly, love you and love the podcast. I love you so much. I have a dilemma. Well, not a dilemma, but I just kind of want to rant off to someone. I'm 23. Me and my boyfriend have been together for six and a half years. We have a house, two cats, and he has a daughter from a previous relationship who lives with us. She's seven, so I've pretty much been involved in her whole life. However, the last few months haven't been right at all. We've both noticed this but last week we officially called it quits and decided that this isn't right anymore

and it's not fair on anyone. This means I have to move back into my mum's. I also have three other siblings who live at my mum's so there's literally no space for me. I won't have a bedroom. I feel like I'm completely losing my independence. Naturally it makes me feel like a bit of a failure. Your podcast has helped me loads listening to you talk about this. I guess I just want advice on how to deal with this because it's really affected me. My mental health, my job, my everything. Also may I add I have no savings and I feel like I'm losing everything because we're all in a big friendship group and they naturally gravitate towards him other than me so I'm going to be the one left out. Sorry bit of a long one. Okay first of like I'm losing everything because we're all in a big friendship group and they naturally gravitate towards him other than me. So I'm going to be the one left out. Sorry,

bit of a long one. Okay. First of all, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Going through this like huge adjustment of a breakup is hard enough, but having to like sacrifice and give up so much as a result of a breakup makes it so much fucking harder. as a result of a breakup makes it so much fucking harder. But what I will say is think about where you will be this time next year or this time in two years. And I think give yourself the time to just sleep on the sofa for a bit, to just get your shit together for a bit, just to rebuild yourself and see this as a chapter. See it as like a stepping stone into becoming solo, independent, a new woman and try to just accept, you know, this is just going to be my life for a bit and it's just for a bit, you know. Work really hard on your happiness, on yourself.

You know, if you lose the friends, you lose the friends you lose the friends at the end of the day I think real real real true friends they got you for everything um and if they do gravitate towards him and you lose friendships that's just what's going to happen and you're going to be fine and you're not going to lose who you are as a human like you still have an amazing heart you're still beautiful you still have all your talents you're still an amazing sister you're still an amazing daughter you know and I just think see it as a a chapter see it as a stepping stone stepping stone why does that sound right wrong I mean oh my god am I okay anyway see it as a challenge um and see it something that you are going to get through you know obviously it's really hard when you can't see how it's going to turn out you can't see you know

where am I going to be in a year or like how am I going to move out I haven't got any fucking money it's so hard when you can't see it but believe me something will figure itself out you will just figure it out like one way or another. Shit like this just figures itself out like in a year's time, in six months time, you could be somewhere totally different, you know. You could meet another guy with loads of friends, fall madly in love with him. He's your soulmate, twin flame. You could live with him in a year, you know. You have no clue where your life's going to go. Just focus on building up your independence again and living at home and not having a bedroom doesn't mean you

don't have independence. Be grateful. You know, I'm so lucky I've got this. I've got my family home. My family are willing to take me in. I've got my siblings around me. I'm grateful. I've got support. I've got love. I've got my health. I've got my happiness. You know what I mean? So yes, see it as a temporary period of your life that you will get through because you have no choice but to get through it and you will. And you'll look back and go, that was a crazy time. You know, I did the same thing when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. Well, he actually broke up with me, but whatever. whatever when we ended I had to quit both of my jobs I had to move out of my flat I all my friends were in London I had to leave everything I knew behind and move back in

in my family home who for me every time I've moved back here is because something didn't work out you know like oh I was moving to I moved to London I did a show but the show's finished and I couldn't get another one I couldn't land on my feet go back home to my mum's and I associated this place with failure and not getting on my feet and not landing right and you know so I did the exact same thing. And let me tell you, I have not been happier. Like I feel so content. I feel so proud of myself. I found myself when I came home and you know what? I think that will happen for you. I think you're going to go home. Everything you know, like you are you again, you're you at home. This is, you know, you grew up with these people. These people raised you. This is where you can be you. So it you so it's like you're gonna you're in the best place to fall back in love with yourself because

that's all you have in this moment and that is a good thing um yeah I saw it as a really scary thing as well but honestly I I can't I cannot tell you how grateful I am for the experience because I was so happy so much quicker than I thought I would be I thought it would take me so long I thought I was honestly I was like how am I going to afford to move into my own flat in London I'm never going to be able to afford that I was here for a month I was like fuck London I don't want to fucking go back to London do you know what I mean and I still don't really sorry mom but not yet anyway so honestly your feelings might just change um plans will change financial situations will change like never worry about stuff like that because it is it does not define you and you're an amazing person you have all the strength in

the world that it takes to get through this and I'm with you every step of the way baby girl okay I love you so much next dilemma okay so this one says hi Leah hope you're doing well girl been here since day one oh my god I love you how many of you been here since day one I love you well I love I love you if this is your first episode I love all of you equal I'd have favorites okay writing this as I walk on the treadmill listen to the sex episode having just rejoined the gym i love it i actually hate the treadmill i can't lie it's torture it's actually from a torture like get me off immediately anyway i'm worried i sound pathetic saying this but i'm sure i'm not the only one i feel like anyone i date or sleep with i catch feelings for way too quick and the

only way i get over those feelings is by meeting somebody else. But of course we all go through dry periods and I end up dwelling on guys from my past even if I know there was no future there. For example, I went on a holiday a couple of weeks ago and I met a guy there. We matched on tinder while abroad and it turned out we were staying in the same hotel. Our rooms were just a couple doors down from each other. We spent quite a bit of time together and ended up sleeping together. It was probably the best sex I've ever had which is so rare for what you might class as a one-night stand. We got on so well but unfortunately in the UK he lives four hours from me. So I know there is no future there and even if he lives closer there are a few red flags which mean I probably wouldn't date him

anyway. But for some reason I cannot get this guy out of my head and wish something more could happen even if it was just another shag the word shag on a sleigh just i can't take seriously sleep sleigh how do i stop thinking about this person and become more carefree about people i've slept with or dated any tips on reminding yourself that someone isn't all you're building them up to be thanks oh my god i nearly read your name out you guys always um sign off your emails with your name and I'm like you just try and trip me up every time because I literally nearly read them out every time okay so immediately my impression it just sounds like you're filling a void like for me I've definitely been there honey like I have been in your situation where you're like I need someone to want me

I need someone to want me before I just like feel like I'm absolutely worthless um and I'll be dating someone and in my head I'm like oh my god I don't even fucking like you like I'm really not and then they'll end it with me and I'll be like oh my god oh my god that oh my god, that is pain, that is painful, and I realised I was just filling a void, and I feel like the, you know, getting attached to people, catching feelings for people, if you sleep with them, or just dating them for a bit, a lot of the time, it can be with filling a void, and sometimes you have to just figure out what that is, you know, and I figured out that mine was that I just did not love myself and I needed somebody else to you know I was like well I don't make myself feel loved

so if there's not a man there fulfilling that role I don't feel loved I don't feel loved I don't feel good enough and I need someone to come along and make me feel good enough so I would honestly take a long hard look at yourself and I'm joking I would just be like you know show yourself more love I feel like remind yourself that a lot of these boys aren't even good enough for you you know and also I will add that like four hours away isn't actually that big of a deal you know you know yeah oh my god who is that trisha trisha but you said there were red flags and stuff so like fuck it but you're saying that there's red flags and you wouldn't date him anyway but you're like i can't get off my mind this guy is not

special this guy is not special at all i think you need to show yourself more love babe give yourself all this energy that you're giving into men and i think over time you just think about them less you need them less you want them less your standards are higher your expectations are higher and your your boundaries are better you you allow less shit in your life and it all comes from loving yourself just a bit more so honestly I don't know you very well well I don't know you at all actually it's completely anonymous I do know your name though um but I will say just from reading it obviously I don't know you I could be totally wrong but my first impression is you just need to show yourself a bit more love um and figure out why you might be filling a void you know maybe there's a reason for that maybe if there was some rejection previously maybe you're

still healing from that I don't know it could be literally anything so yeah I would just say show yourself some more love babe honestly because I love you We all love you here at Lear on the Line. And you deserve just a decent person. And do not settle. Never settle. Okay? Ever, ever. Okay, I love you so much.

Next line, Emma. Hello, my boyfriend and I have been together officially for just over two years. About eight months ago, we moved in together, renting. That's in brackets, by the way. That's why I said it. It sounds like I was talking down, like that's a bad thing. Renting. No, I just meant it was in brackets. Oh my God, Leah, just shut up. So we had our own space and spent less time traveling back and forth to each other's houses. Things have been really great and we get along really well. However, there's about an 18 month age gap between us. I've just turned 27 and he turns 26 in January.

I'm in a good position in terms of career and I'm trying to look at the future in terms of owning a property, engagement, wedding, starting a family. We've discussed all of these at times. We'd like to do a self-build and really make it our own. But financially, that isn't possible at the moment with the economy as it is. really make it our own but financially that isn't possible at the moment with the economy as it is all my children all my childhood school friends are engaged slash settling down um be it in rented or house ownership and i really feel like i'm behind naturally i feel like the next step would be engagement before we settle down and move forward but he's seriously dragging his feet and coming up with every excuse under the sun i I'm 27 and not getting any younger. I have

a stable, strong career. Good for you, girl. With a good salary and in a safe position, so to speak. Do I just sit quietly, ticking along at his pace and accept that I'll probably be in my 30s before we start a family? Or do I cut my losses and find happiness with someone else who has the same goals as me? I'm not getting any younger and I feel like him dragging his feet is seriously building a gap between us as a couple and we've become more housemates. Help! Okay so immediately I'm thinking two years just over two years isn't that long. I think to ask somebody to I might sound really brutal here to ask somebody to, I might sound really brutal here, to ask somebody to, you know, decide that they want to buy a house with you, marry you, start a family with you is huge. You know, to decide that, to decide, I want to have children with you. Let's, let's do that now. I

want to get married to you. I want to buy a house together. That is huge. And some people don't even get there until they've been with someone 10 years, you know? So, and don't get me wrong. Some people are there two months into a relationship and that's absolutely fine. But nevertheless, I still believe it's a huge, huge, huge commitment. And I don't think it's unfair that he's not there yet two years in. I really don't. And I hope you don't take it the wrong way. I love you. Please don't be mad at me. Please don't be mad at me. I'm not taking a side. I'm not taking a side. I'm on your side always. You know that. But I will just say, you know, try and look at it a bit differently. It's not personal. You know,

you could be the most incredible, amazing girlfriend, which I know you are. The most beautiful, gorgeous, sexy girl, which I know you are the most beautiful gorgeous sexy girl which I know you are and that doesn't mean that they're going to get to that point yet you know hopefully he will I'm sure he will you know but I think we have to accept that it's a huge commitment and just because somebody isn't there yet doesn't mean that they have doubts it doesn't mean that they think oh maybe she's not going to be the one you know you I would know I would know if I wanted to marry you and I don't know yet I think it's normal I think it's so normal um and unfortunately unfortunately you

can't ask someone to be on that page when they're not that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or your relationship. Now, I will also say that you say in like, should I just break up with him and find someone else? Put it this way. So let's say you do meet somebody and they're with you two years and then they decide they want to marry you. That's still two years away. So you'll still be 29. Not still be, but like, let's say, in two years time, you're going to be 29. And you've been with this person two years, right? But all you can say in this relationship, which hopefully there's nothing wrong with, and you do actually want to be with this person forever you've been with him four years and he is more likely to be at that point because he's been with you four years than someone that's been with you two years because then what if you get with somebody else you were with them for two years you're 29 and they're not in that position yet

which is it's common you know a lot of people to use into relationship they don't make that commitment yet you know it's very common that you don't get engaged to somebody within that time frame um so then what you're gonna still have to wait you're just waiting with somebody else you know but you've had to start again your time frame starts again when you enter a new relationship you're you've then only been with somebody a month and they're not gonna buy a house with you most likely unless they're fucking crazy you know no offense no offense if you've ever done that um so i feel like i feel i think you can have a conversation with your partner and just be like babe just out of curiosity like do you see a house babies wedding bells in our future and if so

when just roughly just roughly when can I expect a ring you know no pressure um and just haven't it's really normal to have these these conversations as adults and be like you know is this something you want is it something you see for us um and hopefully we get some honesty but I just think do not rush it do not let age make you feel like the clock's ticking for you because you're still so young like you're 27 that is still so young I'm 25 and honestly I cannot imagine any of this stuff right now so I think don't rush don't put pressure on yourself Enjoy your relationship for where it is now. You will never get these days back. And let's say this relationship doesn't end up where it's going to go. You'll still get that with the right person at the right time in your life. You might be 35.

You know what I mean? But that is when it's meant to happen, who it's meant to happen with, You know what I mean? But that is when it's meant to happen, who it's meant to happen with, the journey you're supposed to go on and enjoy where you are today. Enjoy who you're with. Enjoy your life as a woman. You know, it's not all about getting married and having a ring just because everyone else is doing it. Take the pressure off, have an open conversation. But if you really, really do feel like that's something you need and your partner's like look i really can't see it happening within the next year or two then you make a decision whether that's something you're willing to accept or not and no one can tell you if that's the right or wrong thing only you will know that for yourself but i love you so

much you're so marriable and so co-owning a house-able. Oh my God, Leah, just shut up. I hate myself. Okay, I love you so much. Next dilemma. Okay. Hey girl, hope you're doing good. And you, I love you.

I need advice, please. My boyfriend of a year and a half dumped me suddenly because he didn't feel good enough to be in a relationship anymore. He said i deserve better even though i've never made him feel like that that's an excuse i'm sorry it's an excuse i've always been grateful for what he has done for me and he also said he feels like he needs to finish uni before he can be a better boyfriend but we already did one year already where he was at uni

and it wasn't an issue considering we did four hours long distance we made it work very well it's an excuse this boy needs to grow up it's an excuse honestly it's not me i mean i say that every time every time i say it's not me it's you what i mean is it's not you it's me anyway it's not you it's me bullshit get some fucking balls yeah some balls anyway it was super random and i just didn't believe that was the reason okay so you were not expecting this breakup you're like we are not on the same page here okay i'm left completely heartbroken but don't feel like i can heal until i know the truth three weeks later three weeks later he started following the girl he told me not to worry about

okay he used to like her pictures, message, etc. when we was together. So I asked him about her once and he told me that she broke his heart before he got with me because she left him to have a baby with someone else. Three weeks post breakup and they have started following each other's Instagram and liking each other's posts. It just seems like this is why he left me so easily and his excuse was just lies. I'm now questioning everything like was she around the whole time? Were they a thing during our relationship? Did he leave me for her? Has he moved on already even though his excuse for ending the relationship

would make that wrong? I'm sitting here making myself ill assuming the worst. It makes it worse because he don't he don't follow any girls. He doesn't follow any girls only his boy mates i just feel really disrespected and i feel like i deserve to know the truth but i also don't want to reach out and seem bothered this is my first breakup and honestly it's the worst pain i've ever been through but i know i'll get through it i just know i can't start to heal 100 until i know the truth why he made me a stranger so quickly his reason for giving up everything we had was not valid and i know is not genuine bs your podcast is helping me so much through this shitty time so i can't thank you enough i love you i'm always here for you okay so immediately i agree with you

i think it was bullshit i think it was a stupid excuse um and the fact that he's following this girl he doesn't follow any girls he's following this one girl the one that he's following this girl, he doesn't follow any girls, he's following this one girl, the one that broke his heart before you were even together, the one he told you not, he told you not to worry about, I do think there's something going on personally, sorry to say that, because that probably fucking hurts, but you know, it's what you're thinking as well, and I just want to validate those feelings for you, because I would feel the same if I were you, but you know what you need to tell yourself? It does not change anything. All you need to know is this boy doesn't want to be with me. And that is all I need to know. Thank you. You don't want to be with me? Got it. I don't need to know why. I don't need to know why. I know I'm amazing. I know I'm amazing.

You don't need to explain that to me. Okay. Oh, it's not you it's me piss off honestly you don't want to be with me bye get out of my life at this point like if he's gonna run off with another woman like honestly you need to take a deep breath and think it changes nothing. I think a reason this might be so hard to accept is because like maybe a part of you is hoping he's going to come back. And if he's, if he is moving on with somebody else, that almost can be confirmation for you that maybe he's not going to come back. But listen, it doesn't stop them. He could go to somebody else because he thinks the grass is greener. Like say it is this girl, Say this is what's happening, you know, what we think. Let me tell you, he liked her before you were together.

He was fucking bullshitting to you when you were together, messaging her, liking her photos and that. That is so disrespectful. Honestly, so rude, so disrespectful that he was doing that. And then you've broken up. He's given you some sad excuse why you're not together anymore, why he cannot possibly stay in this relationship. You deserve so much better than me. And then he's gone to this girl. I think it's a classic case of he thought the grass would be greener. It's not going to be greener. And he might come running

back. Listen, he might. But we're going to say no. gonna say no okay i don't know no no you do what you want to do baby you do what you're gonna do but listen i think say this is the case do not take that personally do not think there's anything wrong with you it's just a case of he's been rejected by this girl she broke his heart as you said and he is dealing with a bit of rejection and i think if he is chasing this girl I think that's why because he feels that he felt rejected by her um and now you feel rejected which is just bloody brilliant isn't it thanks a lot um but honestly all I would tell myself is you could reach out to him right and say look Billy I'm gonna need some honesty here is there something

going on with you and Molly right and let's say he says yeah all right yeah I did end the relationship to be with Molly ouch that's just gonna cause you pain so much pain you're not gonna feel better you're not gonna feel any better it's just not going to feel any better. It's just going to make you feel like absolute shit. It's not going to help you sleep any better at night. It's just going to make you compare yourself to her. It's going to make you feel fucking terrible. So my advice to you as your best friend is keep telling yourself, all I need to know is you don't want to be with me. And that is, that is it. That's all I need. Thank you. You don't want to be with me and that is that is it that's all i need thank you you don't want to be with me okay walk away like it's nothing i say this every time if somebody shows you that they are not willing to give you what you deserve and what you need you have to walk away from that

shit like it is nothing okay because you you know who you are you know what you deserve and and billy ain't giving it to you yeah sure go and give it to molly yeah i'm sure i'm sure yeah i'm sure that'll go really well good luck but at the end of the day all that matters is you in your life all that matters is you you're not with billy no more and that's okay we're gonna just work really hard on accepting that that relationship is over regardless of the reason, regardless of what Billy decides to do with his life. Now, we're going to get over Billy. We're going to grieve the relationship and we're going to move on and we're going to build our independence. We're going to build our self-esteem. We're going to show ourselves so much love and compassion and give myself so much time and look after myself. I love myself. Billy didn't love me.

That's okay. That's okay that's okay i mean he probably he probably does love you but you know sometimes it's not enough um you know what you don't want to be with me see you later okay goodbye at the end of the day that's all you need to know personally i do understand that feeling of like i just need to know i just need to hear those words from his mouth i need confirmation because part of you just wants to hear that it's not true. It's not true. No, honestly, babe, it's not true. I'm not talking to Molly. I don't want to be with Molly. That's what we're hoping to hear. But unfortunately, that may not be the answer we get. And at the end of the day, no matter what the answer, Billy doesn't want you. Whether he wants Millie or he just wants to be single, he doesn't want to be in the relationship. And that's absolutely

fine. I don't need you to want me, Billy. I don't need that from you. If you don't want me, I'm absolutely okay with that. I'm fine with that. So honestly, babe, I love you. You have everything it takes to get through this. Do not compare yourself to Molly. Okay. Because you're way, way better than her in every single way. I don't even know who Molly is. Her name's not even Molly. I've made it up by the way. I hope nobody thinks that I've just like told you all her name. But anyway, I love you so much and you got this. You're amazing. You will be totally fine. I love you so much. Okay, guys. That was intense. That was really intense. They were all boy related this week. I mean, they are a lot of the time, I know. But we normally have like the odd friendship

one, the odd career one, the odd like bridesmaid dilemma. But that was all boys, wasn't it? Anyway, no problem with that. I love boys. But anyway, I love you guys. Thank you so much for the dilemmas this week. Really amazing dilemmas. Thank you all so much for all the drama going on in your life. Really appreciate it. But without further ado, let's get into the confession diary. all right who is ready for some confessions let's get juicy make sure you are sending these in guys do not forget about the confession diaries i know it's right at the end i don't know how many of you guys how many of you listen to the full episode and do you listen to it in one or do you come back to it oh my god let me know I'd be so curious to know that. I can probably just check the insights and see for myself.

But I'd like to hear from you guys. So yeah, let me know. I love you so much. Let's get into these confessions. Number one, my ex was cheating and didn't think I knew. So I made him drink his own piss in his coffee. so I made him drink his own piss in his coffee firstly the first my immediate thought is where the fuck are you getting his piss from does he not flush the toilet and you're just like fishing it out ew like I'm I'm so curious where you got the piss from you know like so curious honestly please

tell me some more details to that one babe but you know what i'm not mad at that at all the cheating little rat cheating is scumbag behavior and i hope he enjoyed his pissy coffee i don't even think you taste piss in a coffee you know it depends how much coffee there is and how much wears that's what they call it in victoria isn't they i'm gonna take a wears anyway next confession me and my boyfriend had a massive argument on holiday so i put his toothbrush in the toilet i mean if it was like a flush toilet there's nothing majorly dirty in oh no there is quarter there's people shit in the bowl just kind of gross anyway right it's just a gross area people will listen to me then going leah

there is something not right in your head thinking that oh yeah i drink toilet water no no guys yeah i mean you know what i want to know how massive the argument was before i can confirm whether i feel like that was a um reasonable thing to do if he cheated on you like the last confession i'm all for it but it was just an argument so i mean yeah pretty savage babe pretty savage i said this before but imagine if we brushed our teeth one day and somebody's done something with our teeth brushing we would have no clue you know what i mean okay i have a new boyfriend i had to lie about who i've slept with as one of them is his friend i I mean, what if that comes out?

Like, what if that comes out one day? You know? Like, what if that comes out? What are you going to do? You've lied. We can't build a relationship on lies here, you know? But you know what? I get it. I get it. Okay, next one. Me and my boyfriend have been using the pullout method for five years. okay next one me and my boyfriend have been using the pullout method for five years listen I know there's so many people listening to this and they're doing the same thing all I say is um you that's some risky risky biz and I hope this doesn't go wrong for you I really hope it doesn't um I'm in love with my brother's best mate my brother found out and had a fit i feel like that's every brother's worst nightmare isn't it though like you don't want to introduce your your friends to your sister

because they're all gonna have sex with her oh but you fell in love with him though did you have sex with him because if you did girl okay a bit of a longer one okay little bit of a long one here we go hi leah so i was meeting up with the guy i'm dating and was getting the train over to stay at his for the first time he was picking me up from the station and was already waiting for me when i arrived he'd driven a long time to pick me up so that I didn't have to catch two trains so the drive back was about 45 minutes. Very sweet. So when the train arrived at the platform I desperately needed a wee. Were there not train toilets? He'd already been waiting a while so I raced to the toilets at the station to not have him waiting too much longer. The loos weren't the nicest and I decided to squat rather than sit on the toilet seat. Oh yeah we've all done the hover

over the toilet seat right? I wee'd as fast as I could and when I pulled up my leggings I realized I had pissed all down my leg oh shit girl my leggings were brown so you could easily see a huge dark wet patch on the bottom of my leg okay but were you staying there for the night because if so surely you would have had a bag with some trousers in. I mean, clearly not. Otherwise, you probably would have used them, wouldn't you? Just shut up, Leah. I panicked and tried to dry it under the hand dryer. Yes, great. There's a hand dryer. Phew. But he was waiting and I felt bad, so I left it. Oh my God, no. He could have been waiting half an hour, hon. I'm not going out of my way down myself. I mean, you're obviously a very selfless person and I'm clearly very selfish. selfish luckily i had a bottle of water with me and made up like

knocked it over on the train down my leg oh it's a good excuse to be fair you're like fuck it i'm just gonna have to say it was water he even said as a joke are you sure because are you sure you haven't pissed on it but i still lied because i was so embarrassed why did he know why did you actually know though? He still doesn't know, but I think if it goes well and we end up boyfriend and girlfriend, I'll tell him one day for a laugh. Yeah, you have to. You have to tell him one day if you do go to the boyfriend and girlfriend stage. So yeah, girls, don't rush your wheeze. The man can wait. Hell yeah, he can. I mean, it's not, it's not not terrible if you didn't have a bottle of water you would have had to quickly go and buy bought one buying one oh i hate myself today i'm sick

of myself i'm really sick of myself yeah you would have had to go and buy one but what if there was no shops you'd have had to like pour half of it out because half of it needs to be down your leg i mean anyway great confession amazing amazing story well done okay final confession just recently came across your podcast and I'm absolutely obsessed been binging it for about a week and I'm almost caught up oh my god wow imagine listening to me for a week straight has anyone ever dreamed about me I'm so obsessed with myself just shut up I hate myself okay my confession is my best friend and our boyfriends went on vacation oh my god are you american vacation okay i'm probably just like mocking you now we went on vacation for new year's 2021 and my boyfriend got pissed off at me and accused me of

trying to sleep with my best friend's boyfriend's brother whoa best friend's boyfriend's brother okay it didn't happen or even come close to happening but his delusional ass legitimately left me on vacation with my best friend and her boyfriend i was so devastated and laid in bed the whole weekend crying because i was so confused and upset no this is not a nice confession this is horrible okay however he left all his belongings with him oh am i okay he left all his belongings with him. Oh, am I okay? He left all his belongings and so my best friend was so furious with him for leaving me that she put his... What the fuck? She put his toothbrush up her vagina and in the toilet. Jesus! I hope it went up the vagine first oh god she told me to do it but i

but i believe in karma so i just couldn't i watched him brush his teeth with that toothbrush for months and i felt so bad since we got back together a year later we broke up and looking back now i wish she would have shoved it up her bum too okay you're definitely not American by the word bum honestly yeah like that's that's a good solid friend that she's passionate about you to be like no no you're not fucking with my friend give me a toothbrush I'm shoving it up my purse honestly that's that's hilarious I kind of like it but at least you broke up so it's not like he's your boyfriend now when you have this like awful secret you know amazing confessions this week guys let's wrap up the episode

oh my god i feel exhausted today does Does anybody else? I'm exhausted. Seriously. But I absolutely love this week. I love Tuesday episodes. I love them, love them, love them. I never get sick of them. I never get sick of them. I'm like, what am I on now? 37? So we've done like, let's say some of them are about 45 minutes, some of them over an hour. Let's just round it up we've done like 36 hours of talking about dilemmas and weekly debates that's crazy isn't that actually mental like when you actually think about it but I feel like I've done way more like I started this in January January and honestly it's only been a year in January it would be a year what should you do for our one year anniversary guys oh makes me so sad like i just feel emotional you know like look at us look at us who's been

here since day one that means we've been together for almost a year how long have we been together you guys like if you listen to me a week we've been together a week you know i love you guys so much i i honestly cannot thank you enough i don't know how you stick by me i stutter every week i swear every other word i give terrible advice i contradict myself constantly i have the most annoying tone i'm so bloody nasal i get all my catchphrases wrong like how do you actually put up with me honestly seriously honestly i put on stupid accents all the time speaking of i've not done an aussie accent in a while i need to get it out of my system who's watching married at first sight oh shit it's on right now i'm gonna have to watch

it on catch up they better not be watching it downstairs about me i'll be absolutely livid no we'll have a serious problem seriously we'll have a serious problem um we get who's watching maths i cannot wait for married at first sight australia honestly uh that's irrelevant what i want to know is who took those photos oh wait no not who took them who found those photos no who sent those photos where they came from who found them i don't remember what she says but anyway shout out dom i love dom from maths i just love maths honestly i just love it not mathematics she was so shit at maths halloween is coming up but more excitingly christmas who's turned me off already shut up leah shut up leah it's october can't talk about christmas in october

we've already done the secret santa draw for my family because we don't all buy presents for each other because honestly fuck that my family gets bigger and bigger by the day i can't bother with it so it's like we don't buy each other all presents we just do a big secret santa draw between all the adults like all the siblings mom auntie partners and i got my secret santa draw i wish i could tell you who I've got so you could help me but I can't because there's a chance that someone from my family will be listening to this. High chance and it will come out you know. Leanne if you're listening I've got you joking. Oh am I joking or have I got my auntie? Who knows? Anyway guys I love you so much much you guys don't really care who i've got for

secret santa do you because it doesn't make a difference to your lives anyway i love you so much thank you for everything you do thank you for always sticking by me thank you for all your amazing dms thank you for always responding to the weekly debates thank you for always sending me dilemmas thank you for trusting me with your confessions i am so grateful for every single one of you thank you for following me on tikt TikTok and supporting all the podcast clips and commenting and just everything. I love you. I cannot appreciate you enough. I honestly, you're amazing and I don't deserve you. I mean, I do. I'm a good person. But anyway, I love you so much. Let me know what you want us to talk about on Friday. The world's our oyster, babe. We can talk about whatever you want. Let me know. Send in all your ideas. You

can send me a whole list of ideas if you want i really appreciate how much you guys get involved so definitely send them my way and yeah i suppose that's that's all i've got to say really this week uh well not this week i'll talk to you on friday that's all i've got to say today and thank you so much for listening and be safe have an amazing week and i will speak to you on fr Friday for a brand new episode. All right. I love you. Bye.