Leah on the Line - Bonus 25: The ANXIETY episode

Episode Date: November 25, 2022

Hey huns! Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I hope it can bring at least ONE of you some comfort and support as well as just remind you that I'm here and you're never alone. Thank you for opening up to me, I love you guys so much! As always send your confessions/dilemmas to [e-mail]. Love you! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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It's getting closer to midnight. I try to get closer to you. Hello. Hi, everyone. to you. I mean it's not serious like we're not in trouble or anything not like that kind of serious but I guess deep no not I guess it's going to be deep okay I may have to stop the podcast and go off and have a little cry maybe and maybe the odd anxiety attack who knows but we are here to talk about anxiety I've spoken about doing this podcast for a few times for a few times a few times um and you guys wanted it so I'm here to deliver the goods um i just need to make a disclaimer i like i always do whenever i do these kind of episodes i am not qualified to give any advice or really even talk about it to be quite honest on any kind of platform um who gave me this platform

who knows but um you know i'm just here to bring some comfort to be a friend to you all let you know that you're not alone do you know what I mean we're all in this together even though anxiety is literally the loneliest feeling in the world but we'll get to that but yeah I'm gonna say trigger warning we're gonna be talking about probably emetophobia, health anxiety, fear of death, all kinds of anxiety and fears and things that might be a bit upsetting for some people. So if you feel like you're not mentally in a position where you're ready to kind of hear those types of conversations right now, I would recommend listening to one of my other episodes where I'm talking about willies or some kind of sexual activity. They're much lighter and a little bit less crumbling inside.

You know what I mean? So, yeah, I hope you guys are all doing really well in every episode, but especially now while we're talking about mental health. And, you know, I just want to be a friend. We're best friends, as you guys know, and I feel like we always have a laugh, we always have a giggle, but I want you guys to know that you can, you are safe here to talk about absolutely everything, you know, like I always say, this is your safe space, so I'm just going to talk about

things from, I'm going to tell you guys my story with anxiety, and my sort of journey with my mental health, because it's been a ride, can't wait to revisit that. But yeah, I hope you guys are ready. If, like I said, if you don't feel like you're mentally in a position to have these sorts of conversations right now, definitely click off, definitely listen to another episode. And yeah, without further ado, honeys, let's get into the episode. episode. Okay guys, so if you have made it through past the intro, welcome. Let's have a cozy chat. Hope you guys all doing well. I love you guys so much. I'm sending you a big hug to anyone that needs it or doesn't need it right now. So I thought I would start it off with my sort of story of anxiety and you guys know what I'm like with my talking so I'm gonna try and just stay on one fucking track because this goes back this goes

back and I'm gonna try and not make it too boring sort of cut to the chase where I can but I thought I would tell my experience and my story because maybe there's someone out there that can relate and might make you feel a bit more normal. I'm normal. If not, then maybe you guys can just be like, oh my God, that sounds crazy. That must have been shit. So, you know, it's not that bad, but we'll get into it. So as I've mentioned a ton of times on this pod, I have a fear of death and severe anxiety. No, I actually wouldn't call it severe anymore but it was it was severe back in dear so let me take you back to i was actually at uni i was in my second year this is gonna sound really random i was on the toilet okay i wasn't having a shit i was just having a wee i was late for uni i was

having a wee and i have a vivid memory of this moment this is where it all sort of goes downhill for me okay i'm just gonna jump to when I was 20. And I'm pulling the toilet roll off of the toilet roll holder. And I'm just, for some reason, my fear of death is heavy on my mind this day. And I've always had a fear of death. But I thought it was normal because it's one of the things like nobody wants to think about it. Like nobody wants to imagine that it's all of our reality do you know what I mean so yeah I've always had this fear and I thought it was really normal um jumping back actually I remember watching Loose Women and

Stacey Solomon was talking about how she used to go to bed at night and like as a young young child and be like oh hope I wake up in the morning and I was like oh my god I remember that I remember that and my mum was like what and I was like don't don't don't we all like think we're gonna die when we go to bed at night and she was like no and basically then I was like oh my god whoa whoa whoa whoa I just got possessed that's when I realized that you know I might have an issue on my hands yeah but this was way before the moment of uni we'll get back to the toilet ball moment but I'm just it just came to my mind so yeah I realized as a child I would literally go to bed when I say every night every single night and I mean from the age of like three four

five I would go to bed and I'm like please don please don't die. Like I was literally just like, I had this fear that I had impending death on me, even though I'd only been alive three, four years at that point. I probably wasn't three, I was a bit young, isn't it? But anyway, so yeah, figured out, well, not everybody does think of death the way I do. So anyway, it's always been in my mind, back to the toilet roll moment. I'm 20 years old now and I'm thinking about death just like I do every now and then and I just normally I think about it to a point and then I just go oh and then I just go enough I can't think about it anymore because it doesn't make me feel good but this day I didn't stop thinking about it and I continued that thought and I let it progress and I let it progress and then I imagined oh I literally struggle to talk about and then I imagine what it's like to be gone and like just you can't even think oh my god this is

gonna be so triggering for anybody with the fear of death I'm so sorry I love you so much but me too do you know what I mean we're in this together so anyway without getting too um scary on that one I just took the fort a bit too far and I remember because I lived in Cambridge so everybody cycles there and I was cycling to uni and I was in like a dream like something just came over me and I didn't feel real I felt like my whole life was fake like it was the weirdest feeling I kind of I guess that's disassociation I'm not 100% but whatever and then from that day forward I did not function the same. It's literally like I unlocked a part of my brain that I'd never been that deeply into. And all of a sudden, it became this like reality of like, oh my god, I'm gonna die one day and I'm just to be dead and you're going to be dead you're I'm going to die you're going to die do you know what I mean and it was just like this awful fear that just suddenly became like this reality to me so fast forward in then I it became then I went into third year of uni bearing in mind I didn't really get massively anxious it was just more this like fear I was just afraid like I was

like like scared but it wasn't anxiety taking over kind of feeling it was just like a fear right and then I'm in my third year of uni and I am home no actually it was just before my third year I'm home for the summer and I'm just like I can't remember how I felt it but I felt this like lump in my boob okay again I've already put trigger warning but I just want to keep referencing trigger warning if this is too much for you and then I feel it and instantly I just feel this dread through my body where I'm like this is it like I'm fucked and I went straight to my mom and I was like feel this like is this normal like it it's hard. And then of course I went straight to Google, straight to Google, my best friend Google. And it's like dead, dead, literally died

yesterday. Like literally telling me I was dead, dead meat. Yeah. And then I'm panicking like crazy. Literally the first time I'd ever, I don't know if it was a panic attack. Like I can't, I can't pinpoint whether I've ever experienced a level of panic or if they're just anxiety attacks because you know when people talk about panic attacks it's like you feel like you're gonna die like people say like you feel like you're gonna about to have a heart attack or like you feel like your heart's gonna stop and like I don't think I've ever experienced that feeling and maybe I feel like I would know if I had but anyway I just had anxiety really really bad to the point where I was literally breaking down into tears and I was

it was a mess right I didn't even feel like a human being it was the weirdest feeling and then my mum's like okay let's go to the doctor so I book a doctor's appointment the next day um go in absolutely petrified oh my god like this is the start like this is awful I cannot I cannot tell you the feeling, like, it sounds, like, so minor when I talk about it, but I can't, I can't explain it, it literally is that simple, like, there is no words for the feeling that I felt that day, it was as if I'd been told, like, yeah, this is really serious, like, you're gonna die, like, it was literally that real for me, that feeling, anyway, I go in, and I had a male doctor, which immediately, for some reason,

I was like, oh my god, he's not gonna, he's not gonna feel properly like he doesn't have boobs to know what they feel like do you know what I mean so I was just like already a bit like oh god I don't believe him so anyway he like puts me behind the curtain tells me to take my top off and then comes around fills my boobs for I reckon about seven seconds and was like yeah you're all good and I just thought bullshit bullshit bullshit rubbish rubbish doctor rubbish I was literally like oh my god like did you even go to medical school I was literally just for some reason thought I knew better than a fucking doctor like idiot and then I go home and I'm like oh my god he said it was fine but I don't believe in blah blah and my mum's like Leah if you don't believe a doctor, like surely you can understand that the

issues with you. But all I'm hearing in my head is like all them horror stories about like the doctor told me I was fine. The doctor told me I was fine. And that's all I'm hearing in my head, right? So everybody else made me just feel like I was crazy. They was just like, Leah, you're crazy. Like a doctor told you you're fine. Just like get it get on with your life show I mean you're fine but the feeling didn't go like I expected this relief I expected to feel like I've got my life back and I didn't so then the next day I went into there was a walk-in clinic in my like local boots and I just walked in I hope I hope this isn't really boring by the way I just walked in um and I had an appointment on my own like I didn't tell anyone and then as soon as I sat down to talk

to the woman I had a woman doctor this time which immediately women just make me feel safe I just love women like they just make me feel especially like women of like my mum's age because they just have this like warm like motherly nature and I just feel safe and I want them to hug me do you know what I mean I might have some issues there but whatever anyway so then I'm talking to the doctor and I'm breaking down into tears and I'm like I literally got them checked yesterday but I didn't believe him I feel like he didn't he didn't listen like he didn't feel it properly and I just feel really like I just don't feel I don't feel peace right and she's so lovely and she's like okay okay darling well let me feel exactly you show me exactly what it is you think you can feel you show me exactly where it is and I was like okay taking all these deep breaths calm my fucking eyes out right

and she feels it and then she goes oh oh oh yeah and I was was like, oh my God, I know it. I know it. And then she's feeling it and she's getting, oh, oh yeah. I'm like this, shut up. Just shut up and tell me I'm fine. What the fuck are you doing? Anyway, she's like, okay, I'm going to refer you to the breast specialist clinic this evening. I was like, right, I'm dead. Do you know what I mean? Like emergency, like right well i'm dead do you know what i mean like emergency this is bad do you know what i mean so i'm i'm petrified i feel even worse i feel way way way worse and then i go home i'm walking home from town because i'm like oh my god i knew it i should i listened to my god and i knew it and i get home and i'm like mom mom i told you i told you and she's like then i can see she looks a bit concerned and i'm like oh

my god fuck i'm fucking petrified at this point so she comes to the doctor with me that evening and we get into the room with the doctor and it's actually the woman who referred my mom to hospital when she had pneumonia so i'm like oh my god amazing like this woman knows what she's doing this woman saved my mom's life like this woman is the fucking woman yeah so then I'm getting really upset and she's so lovely that she just has this motherly nature and I just wanted to hug me again and then I tell her exactly what I'm feeling and then she feels it and she literally puts her hand on my shoulder she goes darling I'm not even gonna refer you for a scan because I can promise you now there's absolutely nothing to worry about that is totally normal and I cried my eyes out I was like I've got my life back

oh my god thank god that feeling I've been feeling for weeks because it took me weeks to actually go to the doctor by the way it took me weeks to actually talk about it I was just having an internal panic the whole time but whatever and I was oh my god I've got my I've got my life back this is amazing and I felt this instant relief and I was just like oh my god thank you universe thank you thank you I'm free I'm free thank you thank you I've never been so grateful for good health thank you thank you thank you right next day work out with a sore throat I was like I'm dead I'm dead we all know what that means yeah sore throat we all know what that means google knows exactly what it means dead yeah anyway so as you guys can probably figure out i became addicted to this cycle of something being wrong with me but after the really traumatic experience of going to a doctor

the first time i had this worry i never went to the doctors again. I actually avoided them at all costs, at all costs. So even when I ran out of my like contraceptive pill, I was like, well, I'm coming off it. I'm coming. I'm not stepping foot in that doctor's room because they're going to take my blood pressure and it's going to be wrong. And they're going to tell me I'm dead. So I was absolutely petrified of doctors, but I was stuck in the cycle of something being wrong with me feeling really, really unwell. And then, you know, it would go away or my mind would change and all of a sudden it's nothing to worry about because something else has come up. Do you know what I mean? So I was just stuck in the cycle for a good year. And I cannot tell you the disassociation

that I felt. It was like I was living in a whole nother matrix. Like it was this fucking trippy, it was like I was on hallucinogenic drugs. Like I was just fucking losing it. Like I literally remember saying to my best friend, I've lost control of my mind. Like I have lost it. Right. So this was in like 2017. Yeah, 2017. And then I just remember talking to my mum about it. And I was like, mum, I have lost it. I have lost the plot. Like I'm so scared of myself. Like I don't know what the fuck is going on in my head. I miss Leah. I want to be leah again i want to just like live and function like leah again and she basically my mum works in mental health well she's a probation officer but she's studied very hard in mental health and um she basically has all these folders and books and massive big fuck off folders on mental health right she gets this book out off of her shelf whips it open to

anxiety whacks it down in front of me and she goes read that and I had a read and I was like no no no no no no no no I don't have I don't have mental health problems I'm normal I'm normal like basically just wanted to just deny it because I never ever experienced anything like that and just didn't understand it at all like when we was when i was in school you're not taught about that like it's a normal thing like it's it's so fucking normal now what now i'm older and i can understand pretty much almost every single person around me struggles with the mental health at some point in their life but it wasn't normalized when i was growing up so i was just was like no i'm not crazy i'm not crazy i don't want to be i don't want to be that i don't want to have anxiety i don't want to be crazy and then um i got to a point where

and i remember saying to my mom during this conversation i was like but why like why like where's it come from like why why do i feel like this all of a sudden at 20 like 20 years into my life and now i feel like this like why and she would say to me like it doesn't matter why like right now right now in this moment it doesn't matter but you just need to figure out how to get through it and how to function with it and live with it and be in control of it because why isn't gonna isn't gonna take it away it's just gonna go okay that's why but I still feel like shit you know what I mean so yeah I basically was just at the point where I was like okay I'll figure out why I feel like this later right now I need to figure out how to get back in control how to feel like me again how to not let this take over my life anymore

and I went back to uni after the summer a summer of hell my ad actual actual summer of fucking hell little side note my I was in a different bedroom at the time it was it's summer a summer of hell my ad actual actual summer of fucking hell little side note my I was in a different bedroom at the time it was it's now a spare room in my house but I was in the bedroom because I didn't live here a spare room and my mum decorated it for me bless her so it still felt like home and my favorite color at that time pretty much all my life was purple like a deep purple so my bedroom was like purple and now if I can't stand that color because that was the color I was surrounded by in those moments and like during those feelings and those anxiety attacks now I literally when I see the color purple it makes me fucking shiver I can't bear it

interesting so anyway I go back to uni and I'm just struggling. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel, I keep using the word normal, makes me feel sick that word, like fuck that word. But you know what I mean? I didn't feel like myself. And I remember getting to the point where I was like, I'm desperate. Like I am desperate. I can't live like this. I literally can't live like this. I hate this. I hate it. I just, I felt so sorry for myself that I was like I I'd never lived like this I was never like this like before if I got ill I was ill I was all right and now all of a sudden it means there's something terribly wrong with me and it's the end of my life do you know what I mean so I genuinely believe I only did this next part because of how desperate I was for the help um and I don't think I would have

done this if I wasn't at my absolute lowest of lows at rock bottom I could not have gone any lower in life and I went to my uh university like mental health support and she just took myself in and I was like hiya hun yeah help help me like actually help I'm not do you think I'm joking help me and she set me up with a meeting with one of the counsellors and she asked me like what's going on how am I feeling and I was like oh my god am I happy to see you basically and I explained everything and then they set me up with a counsellor literally the start in the following week like they were amazing that's the best thing to come out of my university experience the best best best thing right I'm so grateful for it and

they were amazing as well let me say like they literally really prioritized you getting the help as quickly as you could um so then I started my counseling and I had a woman like I said women just make you feel safe and I remember my first session like she would say things to me and I had a woman like I said women just make you feel safe and I remember my first session like she would say things to me and I'm like what are you talking about I want you to talk about like she'd be like I remember she did this thing to me and she had like a load of little figures on the shelf they were like little animals right and then she was like right okay go and pick a little figure they weren't all animals go and pick a little figure, though in all animals, go and pick a little figure that represents you. And then I picked like a lion.

For some reason, I think I'm this big fucking legend lion, right? And then she asked me like, what made you pick it? And then I'm like, well, just because I'm a Leo, that's sort of it really. And then she was like, okay, fair enough. And then she said, go and pick one for every person in your circle that you consider to be close to you in your life um and place them around you on the table like around this lion right so i'm picking up like hey there's my mom there's my sisters there's my brother there's my nephew and i'm placing them around me and then she asks me to

explain like why this person's been placed there why is this one right next to me why is this one all the way back there and i'm at the time of thinking hun i've got fear of death this is like what are you talking about my family for and i think if i wasn't desperate i would have been frustrated and i would have been like oh my god just shut up and help me do you know what i mean i would have just been like what's this got to do with anything but i was just so like whatever whatever you say like honestly I will do whatever you want I'm that desperate for you to save my life like that's literally what it felt like and then like I had six weeks of sessions by the sixth week those little figures made so much

fucking sense and we figured out like we spent like three weeks talking about me and my upbringing and like my family and stuff like that and I learned so much about myself that I never really processed like so much about myself um as a child because when when she spoke to me like tell me about your life tell me about your childhood I was like yeah I've had a gorgeous childhood like I'm really lucky I love my siblings I love my family I was brought up in a nice home I had food on the table every night we went on nice holidays but it wasn't really about that like it was more like how did you feel as a child and it made me realize that was like well I always felt very insecure and I always was craving safety I wanted to be with my mom's side all the time I always felt a little bit different to my siblings and like all these feelings I never really processed

came up all from me trying to just get over this fear of death that was taking over my life and it was so amazing and I literally it's one of the best things I ever did um and then like the last three sessions that's when we really dug into the whole like fear and what why and like what I thought this thing that I was so afraid of like wanted from me and she made me do this thing it sounds crazy and I'm gonna sound like a lunatic right but she was like what does it look like right and it's it was one illness in particular for me and I can't actually say the word like I'm actually not there yet it's very triggering for me but it was it's pretty obvious but yeah it was one thing in particular and she said to me what

does it look like because I kept saying I see it as this like thing this like evil thing and she was like well what does it look like and I was like well it sounds really cliche but it's literally like this big evil thing in the corner of a fucking ceiling like what a kid would draw in a horror film and then she like put me in a room with it this sounds so crazy she made me shut my eyes and go into a room with it and talk to it yeah it sounds crazy it fucking helped like it really really helped and it changed my perspective on it so anyway I had amazing six weeks in counselling and my life since then just sort of massively improved and it became a game of me understanding that it's my head do you know what I mean like it's me am I the drama like what's that Taylor Swift song it's me hi I'm the problem

it's me like it was literally that was the moment oh my god that's a great TikTok there I should make that anyway so yeah I think the best thing that came out of counselling was me realising that I was literally making up you know that sound on TikTok when it's like but you said you really like me Chloe and she's like you've made that up you've made that up that's literally me you've made that up like everything I'd say to myself I'd get a sore throat and I'd be like well it's inevitably this you've literally just made that up you've literally made that up and once I understood that it became not easy but easier I was like oh fucking hell I'm thick as shit do you know what I mean don't get me wrong it's still my ultimate ultimate biggest biggest biggest fear it still has its days where where it does take over but they're so rare

now that I am in control do you know what I mean it's like I know it I know these feelings I know these behavior patterns I know my safety behaviors that actually not helpful I know that I have no evidence to believe what I'm believing so now that I've been through so many of those cycles I'm able to be like Leah just shut up you fucking idiot like it's it's just easier when you when you realize oh it's me like it sounds so simple but it's just easier for me that way so yeah to wrap it up to wrap up my story sorry it's literally half the episode but I had a feeling it might be but I hope it helps any of you to be honest anyone that's ever gone through any sort of health anxiety fear of death I hope it

makes you feel a little bit more heard and seen because I had no idea how things like it was a thing I never heard of it I never seen anybody talk about it. We didn't have TikTok back then, back in the olden days. And I'd never heard of it. So I was just like, well, obviously these thoughts are real then. But now that people talk about it, it's nicer. It's nicer to know they're not real thoughts. They're just thoughts. They're made up. We're not fucking psychic. We we are catastrophizing and it's quite frankly a waste of everybody's time like let's not waste in our own time shall we do you know what i mean i will add that there is i have a long way to go still with it like there's still parts of my body i won't touch or like when i wash my boobs in the shower i tense them up really hard because i'm petrified

of finding anything petrified of feeling them and that's not a good way to live because we're supposed to check them but it's way too triggering for me so I'm having to learn now like the next steps is learning how to have a healthy relationship with my body and looking after my body because I love it and not because I'm scared of it because I was afraid of my body like I was like I was out of control and the worst feeling for me was you know like with um I'm trying to think of an example like any sort of fear like you know when people have like massive fears of spiders it sounds really this sounds really like shit to say this but some people have genuine massive massive fears of spiders right you could say to some that person it's not going to hurt you because it's not so that spider isn't going to hurt them right but you can't say to somebody

with a fear of death that they're not going to die because they are so it's like no one could make me feel better no one could take it away from me nobody could tell me it's not going to happen to me and like when i'd talk to my counselor i remember saying to people like you can't sit here and tell me that i'm not going to get this one day and I'm not going to have this isn't going to be my reality one day. You can't tell me that because you're not psychic. Do you know what I mean? So and she was like, well, you're looking for somebody else to fix you and make you feel better. Why can't you fix your thinking?

feel better why can't you fix your thinking and you know sort of made me realize that like i was searching for somebody else to save me and take it away from me rather than going i'm not going to fucking torture myself no more so yeah in summary i'm in control it's always going to be there there are days where i lose control but it's absolutely fine because i've never oh my god i feel like i'm going to jinx this whole fucking thing after this episode please universe lords heavens above whatever whoever i need to talk to you right now please i love you so much thank you i'm so grateful that i'm now in control of my anxiety please do not take that away from me please do not take away my good health please do not oh god i can't even say it i don't want to die i don't want to die. I don't want to die. Okay.

Hi, it's Fido. Start the semester with a new phone and a plan full of data without breaking your budget. We have everything you need for an A-plus year. Come check out our special back-to-school offers. They'll leave you with more cash in your pocket for the stuff you love. Select plans even include data overage protection so you can go all out without going over. Don't wait. Our back to school offers are only available for a

limited time. Go to Fido.ca or a Fido store near you and save all semester long. Fido, at your side. So yeah, that's my story, guys. I hope it brings comfort to anybody um I hope it might be enlightening for somebody if you're in a relationship with somebody with health anxiety or a fear of death or just anxiety in general because it's just a crazy it's a crazy ride it's a crazy ride um but if you're somebody that's going through health anxiety and you're not in control right now I hope my experience with it helps you understand that there is ways of being in control again um and I remember this is so random I remember when I was at my low Holly Hagen from Geordie Shore honestly lifesaver love you she put up an Instagram post

and she was talking about her experience of anxiety and she was like I lost it like I lost control of my mind I didn't feel like myself ever and now I don't I barely feel these feelings anymore I love myself I love life and when I read it I thought oh my god because do you know what yeah when you say to somebody like how do I get rid of anxiety they go well you don't get rid of it you just learn to live with it when people say to you you just learn to live with it that to me sounded like you're gonna have to accept that you're gonna feel like this how you feel right now you're gonna have to accept that you're gonna feel like this for your whole life let me tell you that is fucking bullshit that's not true you don't have to feel like that for your whole life and you won't you literally won't if you get the

help you need if you help yourself you won't feel like this every day like it's oh my god I can't anyway so yeah that is um my experience with it and do you know what as well the worst thing about health anxiety I will move on to other kinds of anxiety in a second but whilst we're talking about my experience with it to anybody else the worst thing about it not the worst but one of the worst things about it right is anxiety makes you so ill it makes you so ill you get like headaches dizziness aches and pains you'll have fucking heart palpitations your eyes flash with lights you literally like it makes you ill and our fear is of being ill so it's actually this vicious cycle of like oh my god i'm so scared that i'm gonna get ill and die one day and you stress yourself

out about so much makes you ill and then because you're ill you go right but i'm gonna die and then you stress yourself out even more you lose sleep you feel like this is the end of your life and then you get even more ill honestly it's a vicious cycle and it's just about ending the cycle to be honest my biggest advice to anybody with health anxiety the biggest thing that changed my life never ever google shit again when i tell you google is not your friend right if you google i found a lump here or i've had a sore throat for this long do you think it's going to come up, I'm sure it's fine. Don't worry about it. I'm sure it's fine.

No, it's gonna come up with all the worst cases scenario. It's gonna tell you to ring 999, call an ambulance immediately. Like it's not your friend. You will never, it's called a safety behavior. We go to it because we think it's a safety behavior. We're looking for reassurance. But actually what you're doing is keeping that four alive.

You're basically manifesting one thought into a bigger thought and a bigger thought and it's progressing and progressing and progressing and eventually leads to a state of panic so my biggest piece of advice is is ban yourself from google i remember i said to myself i swear on my mom's life i'm never googling anything irrational any minor health problem I literally said I swear I literally made I said it out loud I swear I'm never gonna do it again and I didn't because I knew I wouldn't if I said that out loud and once I'd accepted this is not fucking helping me anymore I won't do it so now if I do have something where I feel like oh I just sort of need a bit of reassurance what that might be I'll get my boyfriend to google it for me because then he's going to ignore all the

fucking stupid ones that tell you it's the end of your life and he's going to read out the ones that are actually helpful do you know what I mean so that's a piece of advice to anybody um another piece of advice is to ask yourself am I psychic the answer is no unless you're Teresa the Long Island medium I'm such a big fan of her. I'd honestly love to meet her. Can we set that up? She's got a podcast. It's called Hey Spirit. I love her so much. She talks like this. She's from Long Island. She's so cool. Anyway, literally off topic, Leah, shut up. So yeah, that's another piece of advice. What other advice do I have for somebody with health anxiety? Leave it alone. Leave it alone.

That's what I say to myself now, right? If I find something on my body, first of all, I will not look for it anymore. I used to literally go looking. It's like a game. Oh, what can I find to panic about today? Or if I wouldn't have something to panic about, that would worry me. I'm like, oh my God, I'm not panicking. I'm sure I must be worried about something. And then I'd definitely find something. But anyway, um, when you find something that triggers you and you think, fuck, this is it, just, I say to myself now, if it's not gone in two weeks, I'll worry about it then. Guess what? It's always gone. Touch wood. I'm just going to touch wood. Be right back on set, guys. Yeah, touch wood. Do you know what I mean? So that's another piece of advice. But anyway on that was my story I hope it wasn't

really boring I just really hope it brought some comfort or maybe even just open somebody's eyes like the bare minimum if I've helped one person today this this episode was worth it I mean if I was at my low and I was hearing somebody talk about this it really would have helped me so this is your sign to go to counseling stop googling read a cbt book i don't fucking know whatever is going to help for you because you know not everybody's the same and i love you so much and i'm giving you the biggest biggest biggest hug and good health and happiness and control baby i love you so much let's move on to some of the other I put a load of um Instagram stories up really really interesting it's actually kind of crazy let's move on to the next section

okay guys so sorry about the tangent I just I didn't want to like rush through it I wanted to make all the points I wanted to make and talk about things properly and be an open book with you guys like I always am and just share my story I hope it brought some comfort to anybody I hope it did but so moving on I did some Instagram stories and these actually really interesting so the first poll I put up was do you consider yourself someone who struggles with anxiety what do you guys think the response is just like mentally in your head like what would you guess out of all of us listeners we're all within roughly 15 years of the same age most of us majority um so what would you guess like how many of us do you think we struggle with anxiety let me tell you yeah 90 said yes and only 10 said no that is crazy to me 90 of us basically almost all of us

consider ourselves yeah i struggle with anxiety how if you actually deep that that's actually quite sad like as a human race now we're just fucking all walking around anxious trembling do you know what i mean like it's actually crazy that shocked me I was expecting maybe 70% but that is crazy to me okay next one it says if you answered yes which one of these most applies to you and I put social anxiety health anxiety relationship anxiety or something else and then I left a little box for you guys to pop in 49% have said social anxiety 24% have said social anxiety, 24% have said health anxiety and 20% said relationship anxiety. Everybody else put something else and I'm just going to have a little read through. So this person says anxiety about the future and always my uni work being good enough,

anxiety with my business, work anxiety, career anxiety anxiety mostly anxiety over nothing just have the anxious feeling in my chest so just general anxiety social and relationship somebody put all of the above babes um most of the time i have hangziety and then it's real bad oh my god i completely forgot when i was in my bad anxiety phase the hangs i stopped drinking for a whole year i didn't drink i was at uni i was at uni i didn't drink out i didn't drink a sip of alcohol for a year because the anxiety the anxiety was horrendous i remember i'd wake up at like five o'clock in the morning my heart would pound up my chest i have to face on my mom and be like mom i'm panicking i'm panicking i'm panicking and she'd always say to me go back to sleep just go back to sleep you're gonna wake up in a few

hours and it's you're gonna feel better and i did every time but it's the worst oh my god i feel you on that one anxiety is the worst um anxiety over my sister niece and parents safety and health oh so you have like second hand what's the word is it secondhand when you feel like somebody else's feelings oh I mean that just shows what nice of a person you are to be honest emetophobia is that health anxiety maybe she said I feel like emetophobia is different so my best friend has emetophobia she's literally had it all of our lives our lives like we share a life well we basically do but anyway she's always had it um and i remember as a kid just not getting it because i was like nothing bad's gonna happen to you like literally the most ignorant way to feel think about somebody

else's anxiety nobody's gonna happen to you but i just didn't get it like like i said when i was a kid it wasn't talking about talked about this kind of thing wasn't spoken about, and now, like, she's gone through counselling, she does amazing, like, she is so amazing, she literally blows my mind, she's a mum, she's a partner, like, she works in a, what's it called, like, a social club, I think, you know, like, where the kids go, the youth club, that's it, youth club, social club, what's a social club? Anyway, she works in a youth club, so for her that's like her idea of hell because like kids are just full of jazz but she just does amazing like she she goes to counseling she does everything she can to stay in control same as me she has a moment so

she's not in control but she's just insane um and i know i obviously will never oh hopefully hopefully touch wood sorry one sec guys hopefully i'll never know what that feels like do you know what i mean i hope i will never wish anxiety on anybody to to the 10 of you i'm so happy for you and i hope you never ever ever ever understand that feeling but like she spoke she we've had so many conversations about emetophobia and it's just all the little things that you would never even imagine like when we go out in public like she just would rather not touch the door handle um if there's like food out in the open she's like i need that do you know what i mean like all these things that just like her worst nightmare and i'm like i don't even process this stuff um so yeah i like i said i don't know what

that feels like but it sounds like fucking hell like actual hell so yeah but that's also a massive one very very popular popular it's a choice very common very common is the word um overthinking anxiety before going out anxiety about life feeling it in my chest all the time yeah it's like that shooting pain up into the chest for me um health slash death anxiety overthinking anxiety and remembering anxiety so what's remembering anxiety is that like when you remember something and it gives you like dread feeling i'm not sure about that one i should look into that um just general anxiety it takes over my life oh my god no no these are horrible to read these are horrible to read sex anxiety struggle to relax to enjoy it health anxiety is the worst

i convince myself i have a brain tumor when it's a headache i think generally but i've definitely noticed the health anxiety recently emetophobia anxiety probably falls under health I don't know if it's the same because I feel like if you have a metaphobia then you definitely fear of your health anyway because then you fear that whatever's wrong with you might result in like being sick do you know what I mean but yeah I feel like it's it's a really specific thing isn't it um agoraphobia so that's like the fear of like leaving the house doing things going out do you mean so yeah i feel like that's awful like oh god i can't even i can't even right carrying on um life anxiety everything is a trigger it's exhausting just overthinking that's all but i don't think that's part of anxiety well yeah i feel like overthinking can just lead to anxiety

and anxious feelings can't it um one thing i get anxious about and always try to avoid is phone calls for doctor's appointments etc generalized anxiety yeah so there's a lot of us that have um general just that impending doom feeling do you mean what i mean and it's it's awful because you know what yeah anxiety is the loneliest most solo riding feeling in the world nobody what it feels like nobody's feeling what you're feeling nobody's hearing the thoughts that you're hearing nobody is seeing through your eyes you feel disassociated you feel like you're on another planet you feel like your life isn't real you feel like you're in a fucking simulation but we've just learned through the bowl that most people actually do feel it as well but even though

you know that it is still the loneliest fucking feeling in the world like even though we're doing this podcast together and we've just discovered you feel like this I feel like this she feels like this he feels like this it still doesn't make you feel less alone in it and that's the weirdest thing about it um the next thing I popped up was have you ever seeked help with your anxiety let me know what you tried and what helped slash didn't help or why you never have so let's have a little look so as i said guys i've had counseling um and that's it so when i finished my sessions she said to me that she feels like the next step for me would be cbt which is cognitive behavioral therapy um but she said you'll just know when the time is right for that um and i've never done it but i feel like it would

never hurt to do it and i could have done it there were times in my life where I probably could have used it um but I read a lot of CBT books and articles online and stuff like that so I have an idea of like some CBT techniques and stuff that I definitely use um and obviously I've got my mum who is just trained on this as well so but I feel like yeah I I definitely want to go back to counselling I literally would love to just have a counsellor through my life to be honest I think it's like one of the healthiest things you can do but I've never taken any medication and stuff just because it's never really something I felt like I needed at the time because for me the help I wanted is I just wanted to talk about it I just wanted to talk to someone but I just wanted to talk to someone. But I feel like it's an amazing

thing. I know so many people are against it, which I understand as well. But I think it's an amazing thing. And I, to be honest, the way I feel about it, right, is, you know, like, if someone had high blood pressure, yeah, and they had to take tablets, like you go to the doctor, they do blood pressure, it's like, oh, your blood pressure is very high, you're gonna have to take these tablets to keep your blood pressure down, right? But for some to take these tablets to keep your blood pressure down right but for some reason mental health is viewed as so different it's so fucking taboo and people find it embarrassing and other people have their opinions on it but realistically it is no different to going to a doctor and being like i'm just really struggling to get out of bed at the moment i don't even want to get in the shower i just feel

like there's no point in life i just feel really fucking depressed depressed every day. I can't find motivation to do anything, even when I'm doing something fun. All I can think about is the fact that it's going to be over soon and I'm going to be feeling shit again. And then the doctor goes, okay, got it. Take these tablets.

This is going to balance out these happy hormones in your brain and the chemicals in your brain. But instead it's like, oh my God, crazy, crazy she's crazy do you know what i mean like what the fuck what's the actual difference between me having a physical health problem i have to take medication for to help balance out whatever needs to be balanced out what's the difference between that and having a mental health thing that i need support with

do you know what i mean what's the the difference? Actually, what is the difference? And I just pray that the next generation of kids don't have to grow up the way that most of us had to grow up where it was like, shh, don't talk about that, don't talk about that. Oh my God, she's depressed, she's depressed. Like, yeah, I feel fucking depressed. I didn't want to brush my teeth today. Do you know what I mean?

Why is it not a normal thing? It is normal. Look around, 90 fucking percent it's normal do you mean anyway so let's see what you guys have said to that one um i was diagnosed to the nhs was given cbt and antidepressants um i haven't because i get told it's just all in my head okay but that's exactly why we should seek help because it's in your head and we need to get out of there let's get out so whoever said that to you i'm not being funny fuck them people um yeah it's in your head that's what mental health struggles are that they are in our head but that's

why we go to somebody for support so that they can get in our head as well do you know what i mean it's not just all fucking crazy up there bro do you know what i mean so i'm really sorry that people have spoken to you like that and made you feel like that but i'm telling you right now that that is every reason why we should go and get help and i love you and fuck them people um this one says i had five sessions of counseling on zoom pretty useless but just didn't click with the woman this is the thing i feel like it there it does come down to compatibility with a counselor sometimes like some like like i said with me i'm a perfect example i feel like if i had a male counselor i don't think i would have felt as safe as comfortable as willing do you know what i mean it literally is you have to be like compatible like it sounds really weird but sometimes you

can go to a counselor and be like this i'm just not feeling the vibe this is not going to work out between us um and then you know we try again with a new counselor do you know what I mean so yeah I understand that and I don't think you're at all wrong for feeling that way but I wouldn't give up on the idea of it being helpful with somebody else um but then I do also want to say sometimes talking therapies aren't for everybody. You know, it's just like medication isn't for everybody either. Everybody has their own ways and whatever that's going to help them. Here we go.

I feel like everyone has it at some stage without realizing and sometimes just can't be helped. That's a great point to be fair like i didn't realize do you know what i mean i didn't realize what was going on um had oh do your podcast count you always relax me make me feel comfortable oh you guys that's actually really sweet i'm glad i'm glad honestly if that's one thing you guys can take from lear on the line it's worth it to me it's worth the twice a week recording sessions editing on my own uploading wanting to cry when I miss an episode you know I'm joking um I've been looking into therapy more recently

but it's just so expensive and I can't get in touch with the NHS and the waiting list etc it's just too long it is very. It is very long. It is very long. But, you know, now that we've discovered 90% of us are feeling the same bloody way, are you really that surprised, to be honest? What I would say is you said you can't get in touch with the NHS. So I don't know. What do you mean you can't get in touch?

I don't know what do you mean you can't get in touch um you could if there's a walk-in clinic anywhere near you you could go to them and they might be able to help you and refer you or you could call 111 and ask what your options are that's like the non-emergency helpline right um you could I think I'm sure there's like a thing you can fill out online for the nhs to apply for the therapy counseling waiting list um try that honestly like just have a little google of your ways into the nhs because regardless of the fact that it's really long the waiting list is long it's better to be on the waiting list and struggling every day knowing that you know you're on a waiting list to get help than just be struggling every day and not really have an end to being on your own and suffering on your own do you know what i mean so

this is your sign to get on that fucking waiting list even if it's two years two years long do you know what i mean um um if i'm having a panic attack i'll sit in front of a fan and watch youtube to calm me that's so interesting because when i have anxiety like hangover anxiety i feel like i didn't pronounce that properly when i'm hungover and anxious sitting in front of a fan laying in my bed under my quilt with a fan really close to my face it It is the most relaxing, comforting, relieving feeling. It's almost like it blows the anxiety out of my fucking body. Like it just feels so good having the fan on your face. That's crazy. I didn't actually know it was a thing. I just did it one day and now I always do it when I'm anxious. I had therapy, which helped tremendously. Amazing. Breathing exercises helped me quite a lot.

CBT therapy twice, somebody said. CBT helped but not until I was a year or two older and could reflect back on the sessions. Oh, that's really interesting actually. I went to a counsellor. Tip, look at counsellors and see what kind they offer. They are all different. That's a great point. A therapy called DIT worked wonders on my anxiety

i don't know what that is i'm gonna look into that medication helps me it calms me see i can't meditate you know did i say medication or meditation she said meditation but i feel like i accidentally said medication anyway meditation i can't fucking meditate to save my life I reckon I've got ADHD no I don't think I've got ADHD maybe who knows I talk like I've got ADHD anyway I just can't meditate it's literally like um my brain like it's like I'm going wait and relax and my brain's like ha no no it's hard I really struggle to meditate but saying that i went to a few weeks of yoga and at the end of every session we did a bit of meditating and i was so relaxed i was loving life so maybe i should give it a go maybe i can't meditate alone maybe i need like um what are

they called an instructor like a yoga instructor meditation instructor sort of thing i don't know what i'm talking about um i've tried a few things therapy and antidepressants but what saved me was spirituality i love that for you i love that i haven't i feel like it's maybe too small or silly to talk to someone about absolutely not never ever ever is it too small or silly if it's causing you to struggle in your daily life or even in life in general even if it's not a daily struggle it's absolutely worthy for you to talk about no matter what you think no matter what anybody else thinks this is your sign it's worthy um i tried and the counselor was so shit just said try not to worry. Thanks. That's a brilliant idea.

Honestly. Where did you go to university? No, but like I said, some counsellors just aren't going to be for you. And that one definitely wasn't. I tried in May. It has helped massively with counselling via the NHS. Amazing. Yes, I've been to CBT, but it didn't help that much.

What helps me the most? I need to find the second half of her thing. Oh my God, guys, we might never know. I can't fucking find it. Guys, we're never going to know what helps her the most. Oh, it's just too bad. Well, I love you. I'm sorry. Well, I'm glad something's helping you. Okay. I'm 22 and i've been in and out of therapy since i was seven okay therapy breathing and positive affirmations help me and reassuring myself it's not real for sure um better help app oh there's choked on my own spit better help app so we hear people talk about better help all the time they sponsor sponsor a lot of podcasts, YouTube videos. I've seen them do TikTok collaborations.

And I'm glad that somebody's actually using it and it's working for them. I think it's an amazing thing. I'm glad. Therapy for health anxiety and it did nothing. Yes, currently on a waiting list for therapy. Anxiety caused from past relationship trauma. I've also been prescribed propranolol to reduce panic attacks slash muzzle spasms etc um yes books and therapy literally changed my life finding the right therapist is so important yes this girl i always read out and i just recognize her picture and her name all the time

she always gives out great points like she's always just bang on with with the advice i just love her i love you i have an anxiety piercing best thing i ever done oh my god what's an anxiety person what is that i bet it's in the ear somewhere because there's a migraine piercing in the ear interesting oh my god and it actually helped fucking let's all go get matching anxiety piercings um never as i feel like the gp don't care about mental health issues i'd love to get a oh my god guys this can't keep happening okay this is our sign to make this a point right here right now if you guys have more than one thing to say in a more than like one box worth of words to say in um in a response to a story just send me a dm and i'll be able to read it

do you know what i mean because i don't want to miss half your message i think i found it never has never has as i feel like the gp don't care about mental health issues i'd love to get a therapist but can't afford one so i just suffer in silence really as I don't like people to know that I'm struggling mentally that is not the answer babe okay fuck whoever we think the GP care or not like fuck what we think that they think it doesn't matter what they think when we go in and we say I'm really struggling it doesn't matter as long as we can get ourselves on that waiting list it doesn't matter what they think when we go in and we say I'm really struggling it doesn't matter as long as we can get ourselves on that waiting list it doesn't matter what that doctor thinks in that moment because we're going to get referred to a therapist and they're gonna they're gonna be the professional in that in that area do you know what I mean and that's what we

need okay guys I feel like we've been going on for a while I don't want this to be too long and too deep and too sad um so I love you guys so much thank you for all being so open and honest with me and let's wrap up the episode okay honestly thank you so much to everybody who listened to this listen to my really long story thank you to everybody who answered on the polls who sent me messages told me your stories um sharing things with me honestly i love you guys you're all safe here i'm wishing you all positive physical health mental health um and yeah this is your sign that if you've been debating whether to reach out for some support and some help this is

your sign to do it get on that waiting list i know it's long but it's better to be on it than not be on it at all just because it's long do you know what i mean like when we had this thought six months ago of like oh i'd love to join and get a bit of therapy but it's just fucking so long we would have been on it for six months at that point do you know what i mean so this is your sign to get get yourself on that waiting list call up your doctor tomorrow or it'll be saturday there we shut don't you love that anyway call up your doctor on monday and say you you want to talk to someone for some mental health support um if it's for you obviously if if this is something you'd actually want um and just fuck it fuck what anyone thinks fuck what you think we're just going to do it for

ourselves because think of young you and what that person deserves okay we love you we love her we love him everything's fine it's going to be okay and how you're feeling right now if you're in a bad place right now just know it's it's not going to feel like this forever it feels shit but you won't feel like this forever i promise you so much um and yeah I love you guys this episode was a little bit different um normally we like to have a laugh over here but you know like I said we're best friends I want to be a friend to you I want you to feel like I'm your friend I want you to feel like you've got somebody here with you you always have me with you just whack me on in the background of whatever you're doing and we can just be in it together do you know what i mean but yeah look at me now hey who would have thought it how many years ago

was 2017 eight five five years ago i was about to count by the way i wasn't about to say eight years i was gonna go 18 19 20 21 22 five almost years ago, if I'd seen now that I was actually going to be fucking happy and all right, I would have said, thank you. Thank you. And honestly, I wouldn't believed it, but it was like a year. It was a long year of feeling low and, you know, don't get me wrong. It hasn't been one year of feeling shit and then four or five years of just feeling like a fucking babe like it was it was it's been hard it's been a journey um and it took a lot of self what's the word development to get to the position I'm in now as a 25 year old woman do you know what I mean um and you know every day is

growth every little blip you're never going backwards that's the thing as well I remember like I would get the odd day of health anxiety I still do now and I used to think like oh my god why am I here again I thought it'd gone I thought it'd gone and now I accept that like I'm just having a difficult day I'm just having a difficult day and that's okay. Because tomorrow doesn't have to be as difficult. But if it is, that's okay, because there's always the next day. Do you know what I mean? Now I know that my bad days are temporary. It's okay. And your bad days are temporary too. And I love you. This is your sign to do what you've been meaning to do, whether it be get on that waiting list, go to BetterHelp, buy a self-help book,

like whatever it is you've been meaning to do, this is your sign to get up tomorrow and do it, or Monday if it involves calling the GP. So yeah, I love you guys. You're never alone. I am gonna put a link in my link tree. Go on my Instagram. Go to my Lear on the line Instagram, not my personal Instagram, but you can always go to

at Leah Levine and give it a follow if you want. But at Leah on the line, click on the link tree in my bio, I'm going to put a, just a page full of anything that might be helpful for you. And yeah, whether it be the NHS website for you know seeking mental health support or some books I don't know I'm going to put a little page together for any sort of help and support that might be useful to any of you and yeah thank you for listening you guys are everything I love you so much and sending you the biggest hug and big juicy sloppy kiss on the lips i love you guys and i will see you on tuesday for a brand new episode i love you bye Hi, it's Fido.

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