lemonparty - 069: fat kid glory days

Starting point is 00:00:00 I'm a fruity tootie, extravagant, I hope that light me always in my face, talking with a neck, girl I had to bust a piece of dead neck. Fruity tooty, extravagooty. What is that? It's the IHOP commercial, but... Oh yeah! I heard it! I heard it!

Starting point is 00:00:37 Fruity tooty. It's the rooty tooty, fruity tooty, extravagooty at IHOP. Are we recording then? Yeah, yeah, we're rolling. No, that was literally we were driving. And were you playing? I couldn't. I was playing them like it was a mix. They you're playing restaurant.

Starting point is 00:00:50 Jingles. I was playing I hop song. I was playing two opera juniors for just five dollars BK's. A ten dollars. And we were laughing just at how it really shows how retarded everyone is that like the I hop jingle is like, eat it, baggage, kill yourself and eat it, bag it. Like to the tune of like fairy shaka.

Starting point is 00:01:12 The funniest thing was when I played it and I was like, this was a, this was posted a month ago. It has 23 million views. 23 million views. That means people were like screaming at a cowboy's game. And they're like, oh, wait, that rocks. Let me go check that out. That jingle is actually pretty nice. That rules.

Starting point is 00:01:30 Is that boy genius did that? Because that kicks out. My gay daughter listens to them. Dude, commercials are just, you realize, like that's art for a lot of people. It really is. It's art. That's a great way to put it.

Starting point is 00:01:43 Yeah. People are like, damn, this jingle, Dude commercials are just it's you realize like that's art for a lot of people. It really is a great way to put it It's people are like damn this jingle kid like kicks ass The the comments on the Rudy to do for like we were crying Rudy to the fruitie extravaganza extravaguti Yeah, this was the best jingle I heard in a minute Yeah, Denny's been real quiet since this drop. Like they have like wars going on. Like there's people like on the streets

Starting point is 00:02:10 that are like, what's your set? They're like, I'm IHOP. Yeah. I run Denny's at this crew. Oh, fuck. This is a banger for some reason. Yeah, the amount of also like black comments on it is very weird.

Starting point is 00:02:23 Yeah. 23 million views in a month. The amount of people who like black comments on it is very weird. Yeah. 23 million views in a month. The amount of people who like, man, I hop Rudy Tooty is a vibe. Damn, I'm actually really impressed. Someone understood the assignment. Dude, we're becoming so retarded, we have to talk in meme words now.

Starting point is 00:02:40 Like a guy's like busting inside his wife and he goes, somebody understood the assignment Somebody comes ago that you got me like whoa, that's you got me like Well, hey moji face with his eyes pop my penis is like whoa whoa like yo like My eggplant went like water. Yeah that peach emoji got me like eggplant water. Oh like my wife's peach That peach emoji got me like eggplant water emoji. Yo, like my wife's peach is so sad. Yeah, sometimes like when I'm with my wife and like she makes me really happy,

Starting point is 00:03:10 I feel like the hundred emoji. She makes me in his vows. He's like, you make me feel hundred emoji, weed smoke emoji, leaf emoji. When you get naked, like my tongue comes out and my eyes are hearts. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I love the Rudy, Tooty, Fresh and Fruity. Rudy, Tooty, Fresh and Fruity, extravagootie. Someone earnestly commenting on the Rudy, Tooty, Fresh and Fruity commercial comment section saying, this is so catchy and it's my favorite commercial now.

Starting point is 00:03:52 I need to go to IHOP right away. Yeah. Like someone watched this on their TV and then they turned the TV off, stood up, grabbed their car keys and got in the car. There's, like, they immediately left their home. People who are so dumb advertising immediately works on them.

Starting point is 00:04:08 Immediately. Yeah, they're like, I should eat the pancake. People are checking the AMC like app to see if the Rudy Tooty commercial's playing. People are so stupid, they think the TV is their internal thoughts. They don't have a bilateral mind and they think words they

Starting point is 00:04:25 hear are the voice of God coming out of the television. We got to play it for people by the way. Yeah. Yeah. But watch this. This is the one thing that nukes our channel is the, is the faggots eat free out of commercial. It's a great goddamn jingle, Ben. I was playing it in the car like I'm going to burn this.

Starting point is 00:04:41 She fuck you. You need you. You need to be. Yeah, kill yourself and eat it. Fat. Fat. Get your dick sucked at the, I have eaten it and killed yourself. You're like, this song low key of I'm. This song slaps. All right, here we go.

Starting point is 00:04:58 Everybody come for the bread. Sham fruity. Only it I am. Come fruity. Tootie. A little complicated. Tootie, jam, tootie, goody, Rudy tooty extravagance baby.

Starting point is 00:05:10 Seven dollar pancake combo. That's great. And there's this 35 year old man like turning to the west and be like, can I get this for the fruity and the divagation? They have like a case of deer that they pour syrup on. Yeah. They're walking to IHOPNIGO. Come on, the commercial food.

Starting point is 00:05:29 Can I have it from this? And they pointed their phone. I want this beef. Can I have the eating faggot come on? Can I have the cake instead of eating faggot? I was watching the blue collar comedy to a red again on Walmart TV because I have a TV

Starting point is 00:05:48 The government gave me a TV to make me extra retarded And I want to I took a picture of it. I Took a picture of the pancakes. I want these people are like my favorite rappers the BK guy My favorite rapper is the BK guy. There's a microphone hanging off a wire hanger. These people are so dumb that like, they don't know what deja vu is. So like when it happens to them, they think they can see the future.

Starting point is 00:06:33 Right. They're like, I have powers. They're, their dad comes to visit them and like, you low key like look mad familiar. But. Yo, like I feel like I've been in this situation before like, I think I got superpowers and shit. They're like, you know what's low key of vibe is I just figured out, like, if I

Starting point is 00:06:53 can't see something, it might still exist. And that's when she had like, I unlocked shit. Oh, it's based on an old commercial. Did they just rip off a song? Oh, they ripped off an old IHOP commercial. You have a great breakfast at the international houseOP commercial? Oh, it sounds similar. Oh, interesting. This is like Kanye, like when he like made 808s and heartbreak. Yeah, it looked like food at one point. People just love the breakfast. I'll have the roti-toti.

Starting point is 00:07:27 They just take the name. And then they, so they have a German woman in the- I mean, tits pushed up. That commercial makes, the first commercial makes that look like Don Draper made this one. Yep. Like Don Draper was in a boardroom like, what if we have a guy with a paper bag on his head?

Starting point is 00:07:42 They got Mrs. Doubtfire in it and shit. What if an old bitch is in disguise to eat the pancakes? What if it's an old lady wearing Mark's brother's glasses? What if we had Hitler's granddaughter in the commercial and she was in the disguise? And she had a big fat tits and there was a peach on a pancake. Yeah, and now it's just Andre in a boardroom

Starting point is 00:08:00 being like, what if we made slop for retards? What if we, their new commercial is just them hitting a big dinner bell like pigs get fed with? It's called Baja Blast. It's blue. It's blue. It makes you infertile. If you like monster trucks, you'll love this.

Starting point is 00:08:18 It'll make your nuts fall off. Two opportunities for just five dollars. Kill yourself and suck off your father. Fuck you and kill you. Kill the president. Oh, baby, government. Make sure you consume and buy stuff. Dude, if it's 27 million views, I can't reiterate it.

Starting point is 00:08:40 There's 27 million views. It went up four million views from when we checked it in the car. Ha ha ha ha. IHOP has 47,000 subs. By the way, people are bumping this. People love this so much, they're subscribing to the IHOP YouTube channel. 27 million views, 700 likes.

Starting point is 00:08:59 As many likes as one of our podcast. Yeah, brutal. That's crazy. Can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you,

Starting point is 00:09:15 can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you,

Starting point is 00:09:24 can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, can't tell you, my friends that come into the car. I got like a cool like cooped the village. And I go like, check this shit out. And it says the 1-800-GENERAL NOW! We're just driving around a parking lot, smoking bloods. Bouncing up and down. Yeah, you ever heard this shit? Yeah. Hey, hey, homie, you want to hear some shit? You want to hear some straight, this John's fire.

Starting point is 00:09:40 And then you put a CD and it goes 1-800-Empire. I want to see if like people are remixing. Like, is there a chop and it goes 1-800-IMPIRE. I wanna see if people are remixing. Like is there a chopped and screwed, the general car insurance? They made a new general, it actually kinda pisses me off. They made a kid general. Chopped and screwed. Well I'm seeing if there is a, oh here we go.

Starting point is 00:09:59 1-800, oh is that the suicide song that Logic made? That's retarded. Damn, I was hoping there's a screwed and chopped general. Maybe there's a bk. Have it your way chopped and screwed Hmm. There's an in the air tonight chopped and screwed this actually probably got a kickass bk have it your way bk Have it your way Do you I just remembered you remember Travis was playing

Starting point is 00:10:24 Do you, I just remembered, do you remember Travis was playing Fleetwood Mac's rumors for us? On 33? 33 RPM and I said to you, genuinely I was like, I finally get chopped and screwed. It makes sense to me. Yeah, that was actually like a, I was having like a mushroom trip moment when he was playing Fleetwood Mac slow.

Starting point is 00:10:39 Like the wheel is playing. You're like, oh shit, this like, I want to do drugs and overdose to this. I want to do lean and listen to Fleetwood Mac. I wanna abandon my children and drink lean while I listen to this. And you guys had like a seven hour conversation about jacking off while I was preparing for the live show.

Starting point is 00:10:54 You guys talked about beating off till maybe four in the morning. Like your eyes were red. Did we? And you're like, but Alexis Texas, she brought some different shit to the game. Let's be real right now. That is true, that is true.

Starting point is 00:11:03 You guys like held court about porn. We did. Like no irony whatsoever. We did do like fire. We did the dick cabbage show for jacking off. And it honestly ruled. It was amazing. We were really letting it out.

Starting point is 00:11:16 I'm sick of the shit that porn gets. I'm sick of everyone acting like need to get away from it. Let's be honest. It's the best thing that's ever existed on earth. It's the only thing that keeps us going. And these women should be given medals. They should be given the Medal of Honor every year. I truly think Gianna Michaels should be on the Supreme Court.

Starting point is 00:11:35 They should meet the president like when you win an all start, like when you win a championship. And they all fuck him. They should fuck the president. I want Alexis Texas grinding Joe Biden's dick off of his body. Back in the day, I used to look them up to make sure they're doing okay. I'd be like, well, I haven't seen her in a while.

Starting point is 00:11:50 Is she all right? You're like, oh, she hung herself in a hotel room. Oh, she does real estate in Tucson now. Yeah, it's good for her. Good for her. We con her at one point, like we were talking, I was like, dude, my favorite porn star, I don't know if anybody's heard of her,

Starting point is 00:12:03 her name's Siri. And then I was like, dude, my favorite porn star. I don't know if anybody started or her sure name's Siri. And then I was like, dude, I fucking love Siri. And then we like, we like did like the predator high five. Yeah. Well, you guys are acting like, like these people hang out like at low end theory and like have like, like their own mixtapes and stuff. You guys were talking like B side pussies and cock.

Starting point is 00:12:21 I was like, have you ever seen her like 2017 work? Like that's the best. Like when she was at her fattest and her jugs were huge. There's truly nothing gayer than the guy that thinks he's like becoming a samurai by like cutting out porn. No fap guys. You're a fucking faggot.

Starting point is 00:12:34 Porn kicks ass, it's tits, it's ass, it's cum, it's cum shots, it's fucking everything we want and you're gonna pretend it's like killing you They always cave by the way. Oh, they stink right they suck my ass. They always relapse on jacking Oh, and they post their relapse on red. It's very funny and they'll go like made it 97 days, brother And I just succumbed like they're in a foxhole and they're not even sure they're not even Christian They don't even believe in there's a happy and they're not are they doing they're not even christian they don't even believe in their's a heaven and they're not they're not going nofap to get pussy more they're not getting no right it's not that like they're like oh i want to like make more come for my wife's pussy they're just like no i have to get better at coding so i'm not jacking off anymore

Starting point is 00:13:19 they just want to get high t so they get really good at hating women. Yeah. They're taking testosterone supplements to log in faster and hate women more. I realize I'm more racist. I was jogging. I was jacking off so much I couldn't even tell AOC to kill herself. There was three tweets in a row. I didn't tell her to kill herself.

Starting point is 00:13:40 So that's why I'm becoming a nofap warrior. Those, those, the nofap guys, their hands turn into like paws. Like their fingers stop working. They try to grab cups like this. It's like they're constantly taking stuff out of the oven. They just have mitt in their hands. Turn into like crab pinchers.

Starting point is 00:13:57 No, I've never gripped anything in my life. And they literally post like, my vision has gotten better since I quit jacking off. Like what are you talking about? You're retarded. It's all policy. Like they live in shit. They have seven roommates.

Starting point is 00:14:10 They post on Reddit about how like their roommate, like ate all their frozen meals that week. But like not jacking off is like taking them to the top. Right. Now they're literally going like, yeah, so I not jack off, I meal prep, and it's all in preparation to have more time not having friends

Starting point is 00:14:25 or loved ones in your life. What they don't understand is that they were masturbating for 14 or 15 hours a day. Not only because it's awesome, but they don't have anything else to do. If there was other stuff to do, they just wanted jack off. Don't take stuff out, make your life not wanting to put a gun in your mouth. People that have shit to do, they just want to jack off. Don't take stuff out, make your life not wanting to put a gun in your mouth.

Starting point is 00:14:46 People that have shit to do love porn, they just have their shit and they do it, they jack off and then they move on. These people are like, porn's killing me. It's cause they watch it all day for like, fuck it, like recreation. It's the equivalent of them taking a walk around the park. It's insane.

Starting point is 00:15:05 You're supposed to do it and get it out. No, they do it. They take like a long bath. They ask the room. It's like, you need the bathroom. I'm going to go watch porn for three hours. And then they take it out on porn and all these these beautiful people that do it for us,

Starting point is 00:15:18 that ruin their lives and they can destroy their life. Never be respected again in any other field because they fucking did something for you. They did the only thing anyone's ever wanted. There's the only thing anyone's ever wanted out of anybody is to get naked and get fucked for our pleasure. And we just go online, you're fucking her. Fuck you, me and Khalifa, you bitch.

Starting point is 00:15:44 It's disrespecting the flag. You should be saluted. I'm not kidding, I watched Mia Khalifa. Mia Khalifa get shit on by the country. You whore. How dare you have an opinion, you fucking big-titted bretor. You don't think we forgot.

Starting point is 00:15:59 I like that root of the tootie right there. And I read it and I go, yeah, you whore. And then I open up a new tab and I jack off. It would be a Caliva Clip. Because thank God for these whores. They are doing a bit more service than the United States military. And we're just screaming baby killer at them

Starting point is 00:16:15 as they get off a bus from Vietnam. Yep, they're all standing on a freeway off ramp, like fucking Lieutenant Dan with big debts. If it wasn't for them, we'd all be on the street with big swords cutting each other's necks open. The worst part about porn is the men. The men are rough. You go, well, they must be deranged.

Starting point is 00:16:33 The women are lovely angels. The men are sick. I've met porn stars. They're very sweet ladies. They're very sweet. Have you met a male porn star? Never have. Never met a guy. Because that guy's crazy. And you're also gay You're gay you're really gay. Yeah, everyone's

Starting point is 00:16:50 Big your dick is you're fucking you're letting a bunch of guys jack off every guy seeing your dick Mm-hmm. I guess you guys to imagine you and you're having your penis. You should be like, oh, no I don't want anyone to see this. Yeah, you know, it's what's even gayer They're letting people see your dick? People are seeing your ass and your balls at the same time, which is actually the gayest thing you can do. Yeah. Oh, people are seeing your ass balls and stuff.

Starting point is 00:17:11 There's a guy with a big camera. From the under shot. From the under shot, and they're getting a shot of your balls and your asshole as you're fucking somewhere. Your balls pounding the ass, and it's making a drum noise. Yeah, it's like really like gay of them. But you know, we do need a dick. I don't watch really.

Starting point is 00:17:28 I'm not one of those guys like in middle school that's like, I only watch lesbian porn. Nothing with dicks in it. Yeah, if I see a dick, I'll fucking kill myself because I'm a cross-ided homosexual. I'm terrified I might be gay. Yeah, I've like looked at porn where I go, I want it to like where it's like, like it looks like my dick. I'm like, hell be gay. Yeah, I've looked at porn where I go, I want it to, where it looks like my dick,

Starting point is 00:17:47 I'm like, hell yeah dude, normal dick. This is great porn. He's giving it to her. I think you were, there was almost a tear in your eye at like 3 AM, I looked over up for my index cards, I was writing racist monologue jokes on, and I was like, look at him go. He's like, you had a tear in your eye,

Starting point is 00:18:03 and you were like, I love fans, look at him go. He's like, you'd like a tear in your eye and you're like, I love, I love fans getting fucked. That's my shit. Cause you go, that's me. They're fucking me. I go, that's my dick right there. That's that, that, that normal dick. It sucks. There is, he's going, oh, he's coming immediately.

Starting point is 00:18:18 There's nothing better than a fuck a fan. You love a fuck a fan. I love a fuck a fan. When the guy comes early and the women like make fun of him. I go, that's me, baby. You finally saw yourself represented. Yeah. And a bunch of guys kick him out of the fan.

Starting point is 00:18:33 They go, get out of here, fan. It transfigured like some deep loneliness for Devin in his teen years to see a fuck a fan. I used to come home on the bus from school and the whole time I'd be preparing to jack off. I was setting up an event. I'd be like, all right, I'm gonna warm up the banana peel. I got some rubber bands.

Starting point is 00:18:57 Were you really doing that? Yeah, I fucked my couch. You fucked your pants. I would fuck my couch. Devin was like, where he flint as a 12 year old. I was like, demo was like into Harry. I was so bad at miserable. I'd buy a combo box of Chinese food, you know, the combo way.

Starting point is 00:19:17 Sure. It's three items, three proteins with Chow mein and fried rice. And then I get three items and I'd have that waiting there on the table. We all get combo A, buddy. And I'd fuck my couch. I would steal condoms from Goodwill and like out of the closet, the place that like the gay AIDS thruster. It's four AIDS or no, it's not, it's against AIDS

Starting point is 00:19:40 but they raise money for against AIDS. To give gay people AIDS. To give AIDS to people. I would steal condoms from there and then I would fuck my couch and I'd set up like a little like pussy in my couch. And then I'd have my combo box of Chinese food next to it on the table and it would be like dinner and a movie for me.

Starting point is 00:19:58 I could have. I can imagine you also really trying to fuck the shit out of your couch. Like you're giving your couch backshots. It was the first time I knew what like thrusting was like. I'm like, I would, my friends would be like, I've never had sex. But I do. Like you're a fag, dude. I fucking I fuck my couch every day.

Starting point is 00:20:17 But you like you like thrusting like your feet are coming off the ground. You're going up on your toes and kind of I'm walking around the house like my knees are weak. I'm like, whoa, that was easy. Would you ask your mom to get bananas at the grocery store? So you know no no no I don't know is I don't know do it when I get knew they were gone for like six seven hours Also, I gotta ask as a fat kid were you eating the banana or were you just no I hated fruit I was fat

Starting point is 00:20:41 I was fat. I'd be like, what even is this shit? Get out of here. Give me that sweet little man. I can't fuck it, so it's gone. Exactly, I hated fruit. Do you remember the exact amount of time you were microwave it? Because I'm assuming it's like pulling a shot of espresso,

Starting point is 00:20:54 you had it down to a science. Okay, so my mom, it was this was in the- But the folks at home know how to- This was in the era of like coconut oil was making a big comeback. And your mom? They said it wasn't bad for your heart anymore and shit. Your parents were already kind of bohemian.

Starting point is 00:21:08 So my mom had a lot of coconut oil around. So I'd take that if it was summer, there's no need to microwave. But because it's already hot already liquid. But if it was winter, I'd throw it in the microwave a little bit, you know, like a ramekin in a little bowl and a little bowl. A little. So you did in a little like ramekin, your mom would serve butter and and stuff.

Starting point is 00:21:27 Yeah, exactly. Not truly. You have like a mola hette that you're grinding up, your pussy juice. And I'd throw it right in that microwave, maybe like 45 seconds. And it's a perfect liquid. And you put it all over your Johnson.

Starting point is 00:21:39 Smells amazing, by the way. Makes you smell great. Perfect lubricant. Beautiful dick skin, I'm a bad chair. I would like have like. Perfect lubricant. I would have Tupperware bags, I would cut the zipper thing off of it, and then rubber band it around my cock,

Starting point is 00:21:53 and then put it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Cause I literally thought I will never touch a woman. Oh, for sure. Back then I was like, there is not a chance in hell. Anyone will fuck this. Right. So you were fucking your couch like it was a whore. I was like, yeah, I would put the laptop on the couch seat and it would be like I'm fucking the woman. Would you go POV, POV video? So it felt more like fucking a woman.

Starting point is 00:22:23 Here and there. Maybe a Friday, Saturday night I'd do POV, POV video, so it felt more like fucking a woman? Here and there. Maybe a Friday, Saturday night, I'd do POV. You know what? Baby Dad's gonna treat himself. Little POV. And then that would end, and I'd eat my Chinese food and I'd watch a movie, I'd kick back, and I'd put my arm around nothing.

Starting point is 00:22:39 Have a great night. Can't I, it's, I mean, that's still kind of me to this day, honestly. Now that I'm living with my girlfriend, if I know she's gonna can't tell you, it's, I mean, it's, I mean, that's still kind of me to this day, honestly. Now that I'm living with my girlfriend, if I know she's going to go visit her mom, like I'm counting down the, the, as soon as I hear the car turn over, pants around my ankle, she's jacking off into my couch.

Starting point is 00:22:56 Oh yeah, dude. You're in your house, you're like, was that the fucking, did she lock the door? Is she home? I think I heard a beep. Is that the car beep? Checking her location to make sure she's a mile away and it's safe to start fucking gooning. You're like, you should hang out with your friends more.

Starting point is 00:23:14 Yeah, yeah, she's leaving. She's like, all right, I love you. I'll see you in my head. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking choke this shit out of my penis. The second the cats are there, they're watching. They don't care. That was the worst part is my penis. The second the cats are there, they're watching. They don't care. That was the worst part is my dog. My dog would just look at me the whole night and I'm like, just get away. Get out of here. Licking the coconut off your knuckles. You look over, he's jacking off. I never. I know a lot of people

Starting point is 00:23:36 probably did that, like had their dogs suck them off. No, no, no, I said, like, off your knuckles because you just have coconut oil everywhere. I just mean like I didn't like the voyeuristic nature of my dog sure you're worried he might be getting off It's just sitting there like panting looking at me, and I'm literally my ass is out. I'm fucking a count Well, yeah, I think you're being attacked by the couch by the way also my living room has a giant window I know I've been in it. So that's the same couch. Did you get a new couch? There was a new it was a leather couch Okay way better. I don't fuck my couch ever.

Starting point is 00:24:07 Fucking a leather couch, that's better than fucking a woman. I live with my girlfriend. I fuck her now, but like. You put her on the couch. I do tell her. You dress up like the couch. I'm gonna put on a cushion. Sit here. Let me put this banana inside you.

Starting point is 00:24:21 You put cushions around her pussy. You put cash cushions around her pussy. You put cash cushions around her pussy. So use the coconut oil painting or pussy the color of a banana pill. So you can I throw her in the microwave. I'm like, we need to warm this up. Chinese food right next to her head. I'm not kidding. There were so many times that I would jack off in the living room

Starting point is 00:24:44 and I would forget that the window was wide open and then the mailman would come and I would have my pants around my ankles and I was so lazy, I would jack off and come in my hand and be like, ah, this is a good scene and something. I'm watching like a movie is on or something. And I would just sit there and be like, pants around my ankle's hand,

Starting point is 00:25:02 like being molded to my cock. Like glue. Yeah, you're growing to your cock. Cumb is now turning into a tree, like its roots are growing. I've been sitting there for so long, and they're like, oh shit, there are fucking mailman's here. And then I would get up and I'd hop over to my bathroom

Starting point is 00:25:19 and wipe it all out. Very good. It's a beautiful time, beautiful time. And then the best, you've always got to jack off before the food. So you want to get the food, you want to get the food, have it in the bag, make sure it's like still kind of hot.

Starting point is 00:25:31 And you got, you know, you're pathetic, you're going to finish quick. Yeah, you're going to throw it in the same microwave you just put your pussy juice inside of. Exactly. Yeah. And then it's a great time, nothing better than having food to look forward to after coming.

Starting point is 00:25:42 People that eat and then come come, that's the range. Oh, it's insane. Truly insane. If I eat a big Chinese meal and try Jack off, I'll kill myself. What are we doing? You feel your stomach rumbling as you're trying to jack. It's gross.

Starting point is 00:25:54 People that go get Mexican food and then fuck, that's disgusting. You earn your first Valentine's with the ladies. You get a big meal, and then you go back and you have to try and fuck. Yeah. You're like, my blood sugar is so high, I might black out. I know. It's impossible. It's really crazy.

Starting point is 00:26:11 I'm imagining, because all of your life was based off of movies you had seen up till the point you were like 13 years old as a fat kid. I'm kind of imagining you like jacking off and then laying back on the couch and smoking a cigarette. And if you just got laid. I used to come really hard, like it was, like I was with a woman.

Starting point is 00:26:31 Told me. I would like be on the bed like, ah! Ah! Like so much would be released. Like true romance. True romance. Like I'd lay rose petals out to come. Jeff jack off. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:47 Romance in your own hand. They're like, ooh, baby, you're looking good. You come up behind your hand and start rubbing your dick. Yeah, I buy my hand like concert tickets. Your hands like making dinner and you like walk up behind it. You're like, ooh, baby. Hug it.

Starting point is 00:27:04 Hug your hand for my like. Look at you. Look behind you like, ooh baby. Hug it. Hug your everybody like, ooh look at you. Look at you and your little laugh. Hands trying to brush you off. You're like, no, no, no, come on, come on, just a second. But I have to, let me kiss you for a second. Part of you probably misses these glory days of being like the fat kid who just discovered porn Like there is something somewhat magical about that's why I have like a reverence for for porn and porn stars

Starting point is 00:27:32 But I'm over because I kind of saved you in sex is obviously like much better sure and I love Love love my girlfriend, but yeah, no, of course there was a period of time where I was like Figured this out. I'll be all right. But there is still, there's still a doubt. I was like, well, I was like Robert Crumb's like third brother. It's so funny. You're like, oh, no, I think I can figure this life thing out.

Starting point is 00:27:53 I got it. Yeah, you're like, you know what? I've patched up enough holes, I can make it to 80 without blowing my brains out. I don't know what fake tits feel like, but I think I got this life thing kind of, I've grabbed it by the horns. You know, the imagination is almost better.

Starting point is 00:28:07 It is. When you find out like how everything actually feels and shit and how everything actually is, you're kinda like, eh, I kinda liked my fake. No, if men didn't have imagination, they'd stop having sex with women when they were like 22. Yeah. They would stop having sex with anyone.

Starting point is 00:28:23 They'd be useless. They'd be completely useless. Yeah. The ideal is like- They're big hands sex with anyone. They'd be useless. They'd be completely useless. The ideal is like- They're big hands. They are. They don't know it, but they're big hands. They don't know it. They're big hands and sometimes they smell.

Starting point is 00:28:35 Sometimes they do smell, Devin. Sometimes they do smell. I've hooked up with a couple of ladies you know pull the pants down you get a little SpongeBob anchor noise effect yep you ever fuck a lady that smokes cigs you go oh my god your pussy smells there's something off it smells like a bowling alley down there like a pH level that is not right is that a thing with the cigarette pussy cigarette pussy yeah does it get dry or I think it just I think it just throws the acidity off.

Starting point is 00:29:06 Something's off with the plasticity. Does it have a pre-workout? It just, it's, I don't even, it kind of smells like, you ever like a glass of water? That's been sitting out overnight and it has the bubbles in it? No, like, and it has like almost like an algae smell to it.

Starting point is 00:29:23 Yeah, it's a fishy smell. Like a fishy, like a glass of, you know when you pull something out of the dishwasher and it's almost too clean and it smells like it's nothing's alive at all and it's a weird smell. I don't really know how to describe it, but yeah. I'm glad I don't have to suck dicks though because I imagine dicks and balls

Starting point is 00:29:44 smell worse than pussies on average. Oh, by far, yeah. I mean, the fact that we can't even enjoy the smell of our own groin areas after. You can enjoy it. You just reach down and just scrape off a piece of dirt and bring up to your senses. I see people do this in public.

Starting point is 00:30:02 They reach down, they scratch their nuts, and then they smell their fingers. You see them smell their fingers. Yeah, I see disgusting pieces of shit do this all the time. And act like they're not doing it. When I'm by myself, I'll reach down, and I'll rub my finger on my tank like it's a cigarette. It's a match I'm trying to light off a box. I go, shh.

Starting point is 00:30:17 I go, give me that sweet smell, baby. I'll do it to check to be like, do I smell like shit? Sure, yeah. I always smell like tortillas, I don't know why. I used to be, when I was a fat kid, I'd smell it through my basketball shorts. Oh yeah. I'd be hanging out with my friends and I'd be like,

Starting point is 00:30:33 I'd be like, yeah, ha ha ha! Oh fuck, yes, what is that? I've been washed in days. I know when you're going out to steal more bananas and you're like, ah man, my thighs are coated in my own God. Oh, no. You know, apparently black people think we smell like cheese. Really? Yeah. That's a thing, I guess. Is that just some force? We smell like milk and cheese. Is that just some sort of forced, like,

Starting point is 00:31:00 we got to smell like some kind of, you know, it might be racism, actually. That might be right. And you know what, we don't talk about this enough. Like we smell good actually. Like the mayonnaise shit, you know? Yeah, no, that's, I think it's a preconceived. White people do love mayonnaise. They do.

Starting point is 00:31:16 Who doesn't love mayonnaise? Manage is good. What are you talking about? That's what I was weird about, because black people like mayonnaise too, I see him put them make sauces with it on Instagram. Sure. To put on chicken. What the misconception is, is I think,

Starting point is 00:31:27 I remember I used to watch undercover brother when I was 15. I get furious at the TV. I'd be screaming at the TV. We don't. You're barking at it like a dog. I'm barking at Eddie Griffin. Like I'm like, I'm Anthony Kumi is Rottweiler. And I go, we don't need it like that.

Starting point is 00:31:41 You don't know white people because I think in black people's head, like we literally pull out like a fucking 44 ounce thing of mayonnaise and just eat it. But you know, you just take it, you take a thin layer across a sandwich, across whatever you're eating. That's, that's it. It's amazing. I mean, a good fried baloney sandwich with some mayonnaise on top of it. It's the same as, as as the people who think like soul food is like literally an entire pigs, like spinal column and asshole, you know?

Starting point is 00:32:11 Yeah. It's like they might have like one hoof. And that's it. Well, there's a lot of differences we've found with black people and white people. Like black people apparently, like they think you're supposed to, you have to like wash the chicken.

Starting point is 00:32:22 Yes. I've seen this. With like soap. You have to give it like a shower. It is being cooked. Yeah. It kills all the bacteria when you cook it. I think you're actually making it dirtier by sticking it in a sink with soap and water.

Starting point is 00:32:33 It's a little gross. I mean, there's chlorine in our tap water, I imagine. Yeah. That's weird. It also feels retarded to wash a chicken with soap. Yeah, I just don't. Like it just was in a tar pit and you're trying to save it? Yeah, I've never gotten sick from cooking chicken

Starting point is 00:32:47 without washing it. No, I think the only thing they kind of, they caught us with our pants down and we've all tried to do better. They caught us with the couch. They caught us fucking the couch. Our food is under seasoned and they caught us on that. That's true.

Starting point is 00:33:04 They will say that and then they will say that and then they will cook shrimp with orange soda. I swear to God. I literally see that. That Bayou guy? Yeah, the Bayou guys. What's up y'all today with coconut? What's up?

Starting point is 00:33:15 What's up today? My family's coming over. I'm gonna take the rest of their feet away from them. There's some shit that's insane. I literally see that guy pour a case of squirt and like four balls of Tony's satchelies, just throw him in. What's up y'all today? What cooking?

Starting point is 00:33:30 Knob meat is toes. It's, I've seen it. It's like black Texas chainsaw massacre. Yeah, he's like, I'm cooking, I love cooking chicken stuff with lollipops. Like that sucks. That's actually retarded and you've ruined your time. They love things that come in packets.

Starting point is 00:33:45 Like I always see that guy having it. He has a packet of something and he opens it and he sprinkles it over. I don't know what's really going on. There's shrimp in it. It is, they want all food to be Kool-Aid. I think that's what it is. I didn't want to say it.

Starting point is 00:33:56 I didn't want to say it. But I think that's what it is. The funny thing is the guy we are referencing is a white guy in the bayou. I'm not referencing that guy. I'm not referencing that guy. There's another dude. I see other guys where they're like in Houston or shit

Starting point is 00:34:11 and they're like, hey, what's up? We're doing the barbecue today. And they literally are pouring orange soda and like orange juice into like a croffish boil. And they turn like a salvage like F-350 into a grill. Yeah. Like they took the inside of it out and they just put coals in there.

Starting point is 00:34:24 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like they took the inside of it out and they just put coals in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the file cabinet that cooks pork. Yeah, and they all like, it's always like a 19 year old. It's a 19 year old who's like the fittest person you've ever seen. I, and then four years later, they're the fattest man who's ever lived. It's insane.

Starting point is 00:34:39 It's such a short shelf life. It's like they're in that weird and gorging porn where you get bigger while you're fucking. Human milk. Yes. It's what's're that weird and gorging porn where you get bigger while you're fucking. Human milk. Yes. It's what's the poison shit. It's the Gary Indiana, you know, water supply type of shit, you know?

Starting point is 00:34:53 Yeah. That's why they want the water spicy because it has all these chemicals that kill them. They're putting seasoning in their baths. They're like, I love that Flint Michigan water, baby. Give me that Flint water with all that metal. It's that, it's that Aaron Brockovich water, y'all. Oh, you gotta do a little cayenne pepper in there that kills all that three-eyed shit.

Starting point is 00:35:13 Futures, yeah, futures got a song called Aaron Brockovich. Aaron Brockovich. Aaron Brockovich water, baby. Yeah, I'll drink in that Rock-a-Bitch water. Ha ha ha ha ha. So I think we, I think we kind of gave up a little too easily on that argument. The seasoning thing.

Starting point is 00:35:27 White people can season a little bit more, but some times people are like, black people can't be like Willy Wonka for chicken. Yeah, and I think also it's like, we already have so much sodium in our food because it's bad and fucked up that we're not gonna put more like salt and pepper on shit. Do you ever actually look at the amount of sodium

Starting point is 00:35:45 and shit that you're putting in? Dude, cause I'll make food and I'm like, well, oh, I guess I forgot about the sodium thing. I guess there's sodium already in this. And then I'm realizing how much hot sauce I'm putting on it or like my favorite sauce. And then you look at that and it's the insane amount. It's, you know, 92 servings and every serving

Starting point is 00:36:03 has 300 milligrams of sodium in it. A teaspoon will be like 6% of your daily sodium intake. What the fuck is a teaspoon? I eat teaspoons all fucking day. Are you kidding me? Who is actually abiding by any of that shit? Oh, no one at all. It's insane.

Starting point is 00:36:19 If you eat anything out of a can, that's like a block of salt, basically. Yeah, no, I mean, I drink Coke Zero, it's giving me cancer from the inside out. I should stop drinking it immediately and never drink it again. But it gives you like a cancer that protects against cancers. I might be coding another cancer.

Starting point is 00:36:35 It's like a vaccine for cancer, I feel like. So it's like painting over like a blemish on my wall. Yeah, pretty much. The cancer version of a sheepdog, like it kills other dogs that are trying to kill yourselves. Yeah, yeah. That's what I think. You might be right.

Starting point is 00:36:49 It's like, well, I guess that's, it's kind of like a crime syndicate where it's like there's gonna be a crime family. Who do you wanna control the area? And for me, like in my body, I'm not gonna let like normal cancers control it. I'm just gonna like flood it with Coke Zero and let that, I'm like, that's gonna take the reins.

Starting point is 00:37:07 That's Tony Sopranos. I will say this. I don't feel like there's that much evidence of Diet Coke having really any adverse effects on people. I feel like it might be a perfect thing. Diet Coke, supposedly it's like the worst thing. No, I've seen studies that say aspartame is like not that bad.

Starting point is 00:37:23 I don't think, I think that was overblown. I think a kid did a science fair project in like 2002 and then we all like we're like, oh what a brilliant fact and We had to go along with that It's like the same type of kid that like did a study on like how like Fiji water has like the fecal matter in it And then we were like, oh my god, oh, I don't think it's that true I had a grandma that drank Diet Coke's all day, every day for like 30 years. She never even died a cancer, she never got cancer, she just died of like old shit.

Starting point is 00:37:49 She was just like, they were just like, you're an old bitch and she died. But like, it wasn't cancer, she was still drinking Diet Cokes all the fucking time. But she could have made it to 99. I guess, but who wants to? Yeah. What's the point?

Starting point is 00:38:01 I mean, I wanna make it to 99. You kidding me? You can't fuck your couch at 99. God, Devon, the minute You can't fuck your couch at 99 Yeah, Devin the minute I can't fuck that catch Take me out ready No, but truly like like I I think soda soda gives you cancer I think we might have I think diet coke might be a Perfect, but so here's the thing that I this is why I think it's all bullshit by the way,

Starting point is 00:38:27 is you never hear about like fat Mexican kids getting cancer or anything like that. You never hear that. Yeah. You never hear that and all they drink are those, they drink like, Jareethas. Yeah, the orange torpedo things.

Starting point is 00:38:42 Yeah, they drink. They drink napalm. Yeah, they drink like the liquid that goes in neon signs. That's what they drink. They drink lava lamp. They drink lava lamp. They go to Walmart and get a lava lamp and they put a straw in it.

Starting point is 00:38:54 Yeah, they drink candles. They drink a vanilla candle. They go to the Yankee candle company. They go, we just gotta wait for it to melt and then it tastes so fucking good. What you do is you finish it off with a little glow stick use. It's a cinnamon de leche candle.

Starting point is 00:39:10 No, I- And they're fine. They just turn into like little hard, like if you put a baked potato in the oven for way too long, that's what they turn into. Yeah. And they fossilize and they age. Sugar.

Starting point is 00:39:21 Now the inside of their stomach looks like when you microwave like tinfoil and it starts sparking and that's their stomach. It looks like when you leave like a plastic bag in the oven and you gotta clean the oven, you go, oh God. It looks like a lightning storm really far away in the hot summer, like in an Indian summer. You look off and you go, is that lightning way out there?

Starting point is 00:39:41 That's how they treat their body. They go, that's like 70 miles away. Yeah. Their body's not connected to them. their body. They go, that's like 70 miles away. Yeah. Their body's not connected to them. They've got my stomach, that's somewhere else. Inside their stomach, there's a little osmosis, Jones, being like, is that ball lightning? The phenomenon of ball lightning floating across.

Starting point is 00:39:54 But then who does get, the people that get cancers are the Michael Douglas's of the world, people like that. Yeah, he's even pussy. Evil pussy. Catherine's out of Jones's pussy was evil and gave him cancer. Probably gave him cancer. Yeah, it wasn't from, here, but also. He's an evil pussy. Catherine's out of Jones's pussy was evil and gave him cancer. Probably gave him cancer.

Starting point is 00:40:06 Yeah, it wasn't from, here but also It's enzymes. Sugar gives you cancer. This is Coke Zero. I know, so I think you might be good, but I think we might have figured out diet stuff. I've never actually seen a study that relates back diet sodas to the cancer.

Starting point is 00:40:23 Okay, but sometimes I think I might, I'm like, what if I just had a hemorrhage in my brain and I just died? Because a kid in my high school that happened to him, he was like 20 and he had a hemorrhage in his brain. That's the beauty of life, is that no one will never know. You'll never know, it's all random. And really, the true answer is that God decides

Starting point is 00:40:39 to punish some people and some people he loves, and that's really how it goes. Yeah, be a Japanese guy for Mythbusters, dead. You drop dead, he had a thing in his brain snapped and he just dropped dead like a... And he was all healthy, right? Yeah. He's a Japanese guy.

Starting point is 00:40:52 And he was the only man of color on that show and he died. Is he a man of color? Is it racist to say a Japanese guy's a man of color? Well, yellow is a color, so you can say that. That's why I meant is it racist? There we go. There we go. There we go.

Starting point is 00:41:05 Hey, I'm starting to. His number was up. I think that's the scary thing is there's a lot of it that is literally like, well, there's no, some people are born with a little bomb inside of their brain and it will scale them when they're 40. You know what I think would have saved him? What? Actually being an unhealthy piece of shit.

Starting point is 00:41:39 Probably. I think, I go, you know what happened to you? You ran, you jogged every morning and that sped your blood up and it like made a blockage in your brain. And if you just like, you know, if you were just like a zen dude who was like, you know, like 130 pounds overweight, like you ate fast food

Starting point is 00:41:54 at least once a day and just was like, you just been on Twitch for the last eight years. Dude, you would have made it to 65 easy. Yeah. Like you're preserved a little bit. Yeah. You're like a pickled human. I kind of feel that way.

Starting point is 00:42:06 I mean, there's also. I mean, you age faster and you look like shit, but. Sure. But your head doesn't explode. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I always, whenever something happens

Starting point is 00:42:16 that I can't identify why, and it freaks me out on an existential level, I go, well, they didn't have the thoughts that I do. You're like, well, I worry about that. So that means it won't happen. Exactly. I go, well, he didn't have the thoughts that I do. You're like, well, I worry about that. So that means it won't happen. Exactly. I go, well, he never thought that would happen. And I do think about that all the time.

Starting point is 00:42:31 So it'll never happen now. He's like, well, he didn't cling to a false idea that keeps him more immortal, even though my own death is screaming, hurtling towards me. He had an aneurysm. Well, I've covered that base. I think about it all the time. I'm terrified of that.

Starting point is 00:42:45 So that's why it won't happen. You just have to every morning you gotta think of a new disease you have. Yeah, I cover every day I go like this and then that and then spinal disease and then it all has me. Well I've thought about it, can't happen now, that'd be silly. That'd be ridiculous if I thought about it and it happened.

Starting point is 00:43:00 I mean the only reason I've been thinking about my mortality more is I had food poisoning for like four days this week You get weak you get weak in the knees you start feeling like oh shit and you guys go What did you eat? I was like well I had I typed I said I had sushi and milkshakes And I was like I set my phone down. I was like man. That's really great. I can't believe I type that you didn't get food poison Dog shit. You didn't get food poisoning. Your stomach is on strike right now No, I'm like did I get food poisoning or Your stomach is on strike right now. No, I'm like, did I get food poisoning

Starting point is 00:43:26 or is my food poison? Yeah, that's deep. Like I'm eating like a fucking dog and I have to stop. It was like a wake up call for me. I'm like, what am I doing with my life? You do it. I wasn't able to pick up my daughter for three days. You were that sick?

Starting point is 00:43:43 Dude, I was in bed for 48 hours, like not getting out of bed. I couldn't shit, I was throwing up. You know what's kinda crazy is that we were all confused like how you got sick and then we did watch you eat moldy bread at a Denny's. But it was so long ago, it was like how did that hit you that, how did it take like three, four days to hit? Cause I just eat, I eat dog shit.

Starting point is 00:44:01 Your body probably hadn't processed that bread yet until you got back home. I eat like, did you eat? You guys see me that one night I couldn't stop. I ate like 12 bags of like little Oreo cookies and then Travis stopped me from eating that whole tub of ice cream. He took it away.

Starting point is 00:44:16 It was the Bluebell cereal flavor. It was dog shit, it was awful. You do eat worse than anyone I've ever been. It's crazy. How fucked up I eat. It's crazy. You eat like we put a dog brain in a human and he just had 48 hours to go fuck wild.

Starting point is 00:44:28 We order sweet grain before the Austin shugs. We were trying to be like good and healthy and like prepared and for some reason your sweet grain I was like is that, it looked like Popeyes to me. You just had a bowlful like fried chicken. By the way, I almost fucking gagged when I eat sweet grain.

Starting point is 00:44:43 I hate it. I'm like fuck your body up. I wanna fucking gag when I eat sweet grain. I hate it. I'm like, ah! Fuck your body up. I want to put Aunt Jemima's syrup on it. Yeah. Just to get it to go down. That's your dressing. It's syrup.

Starting point is 00:44:53 Your buddy from Elf. Yeah. You're eating pop tarts and spaghetti. And I have the old bottles with her on it. I don't go for that new shit. You buy the new bottles and then pour them into your old bottles. Do that stuff, buddy. You funny. You buy the old bottle.

Starting point is 00:45:08 You went on eBay and were like, most racist Aunt Jemima bottle from 1937. The syrup in the old bottles is a lot darker. I kinda noticed it is actually. Dude, I think they like, you started using less coloring in it. No, now we're drinking fucking Drake syrup now. It's bullshit.

Starting point is 00:45:26 Fucking Steph Curry, Aunt Jemima's. Do they still call it Aunt Jemima's? Cause I know they were worried about being racist. What is it called now? No, no, they had to take her off the bottle. Yeah, but it's still called Aunt Jemima, right? Or is Jemima in itself races? I mean, that's what I'm saying is like,

Starting point is 00:45:41 it's like you might as well call it Aunt Juwanaman. Yeah. That sounds racist to me. They just took, yeah, they just took like is like, it's like you might as well be like called Aunt Juana man. Yeah, that sounds racist They just took they took yeah, they just took like Al Jolson's face off the bottle Yeah, but I don't meet modern black people named Jemima. Yeah, it's like I think it's just Jimmy Kimmel like doing like caramel on the On the bottle now just put just put Amy Schumer's fat fucking disgusting face on it Put her fat fucking face on and she's blaming's blaming some sort of, what is she blaming? She's like, it's allergies.

Starting point is 00:46:09 Yeah, that's the reason my face looks- She read too many comments about her special. She's so fat her cheeks are eating her mouth. She looks like her head is squinting. She's so fat she's doing like Asian racism now. I kind of get off looking to her at her face Almost like I'm behind your gutter in a chokehold. I know that's how much her fucking face We get it would get so fat if you just fucking choked her out

Starting point is 00:46:33 I know would it be great to come up behind her on the couch on one while she's talking to Jimmy. He's like, yeah Her head gets even twice as big. Yeah, it looks like a fucking like adult swim cartoon Yeah, what's that thing with the gumballs in it? She looks like that the thing from a bunch of gumball the gumball guy Her head would look like that. I mean her head already looks like meatlood from aquating and hunger for us, so I Love to squeeze her neck until her brains come out of her ears She that that picture isn't like a stressed all her face her fat fucking head. That's the thing is her and Lena Dunham. The only way they can stay relevant is by looking more and more disgusting.

Starting point is 00:47:14 But yeah, I'm is looking pretty rough. They both lean and Adam and Amy Schumer look like they live in an aquarium and they like they sleep on wood chips. I could see Lena Dunham floating past me in a big tank. and they like they sleep on wood chips. I could see Lena Dunham floating past me in a big tank. Going oooooh. And we go, we're taking Ben's daughter and we go look, look, look, it's Lena Dunham. Yep, they look like they hydrate out of a thermos in a cage.

Starting point is 00:47:43 I love the hitter with my car and watch her skate across the intersection. And watch her live. Of course, cause I want to keep torturing her. Yeah, I know. I'm like the computer in that Harlan Ellison short story where he keeps torturing people and putting them back together. I have no mouth and I must scream.

Starting point is 00:47:57 But her, I have a mouth and I must eat ice cream. Yeah, Lena Donovan and Amy Schumer, they look like we make candles out of them. Like who's your doctor, Madam Trusard? You weird looking fuck. Yeah. You could put a string in Amy Schumer's head and light it on fire.

Starting point is 00:48:19 Yeah. She'd melt away. If you go to the wax museum, there's a candle on top of their head. What is she allergic to stealing jokes from comedians? Very good. Very good. What is she, hey, what is she allergic to?

Starting point is 00:48:29 I heard Amy Schumer stole Patrice's diet. Devin, I think we're back. I think. How's that we've fallen off for four episodes? I think we're back. I'm starting to think we're fucking back. No, people have said we I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:48:46 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:48:53 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:49:00 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Tony Hinchcov, so we have three months before we suck ass. That was so funny when he shook our hands. I know.

Starting point is 00:49:09 And we were like, too. Tony loves the sketches. He said he literally watched the sketches. And he wasn't lying, because he actually recognized you. He goes, yeah, you're in the sketches. And I was like, oh, wow, that's, all right, thanks. I didn't know he was behind me.

Starting point is 00:49:22 And I suddenly turn, and it was like when Indiana Jones meets Hitler in the movies. Like I turn and I was like all right, thanks. I didn't know he was behind me, and I suddenly turned, and it was like when Indiana Jones meets Hitler in the movies. Like I turned, I was like, oh, fuck, and I'm like, God damn it, now I have to shake his fucking faggy hand. That night was like momentous, because I was like, we have a decision to make. I'm like.

Starting point is 00:49:38 We're in the comedy mothership. And these guys are like, hey, I haven't seen you. And we're like, yeah, I think I said you should die. I think I said I wanted to kill you with a baseball bat. I think four weeks ago I said you should be killed like in the end of a glorious bastard. There was a couple of people who were like, dude, big listening to the podcast is great.

Starting point is 00:49:57 I'm like, that's a lie because I've said you should be raped by dogs. So you're lying about listening to the podcast. It did feel like we were in the tavern and in glorious bastards. Yeah. And one of us holds up the wrong sign for a new drink. And Tony's like, what? Right. One of us has something too funny and they know where we don't belong there. Yeah, I really hated it there. It was rough. They should consider taking comedy out of the name. It was a rough, yeah, very good.

Starting point is 00:50:30 Very good, though. Very good. Very good. It was an interesting night. Yeah, it was very interesting. Interesting time, interesting city to be in. I'm just kidding, it was a fun hang. I loved it.

Starting point is 00:50:43 It was great. You can't, you can't. Listen, we are humans that have souls. Like I'm not gonna. Yeah, but we're very hateful. I wasn't gonna be like, fuck you, motherfucker. Like of course you're gonna take a compliment. I'm not gonna, you know, we weren't gonna be dicks.

Starting point is 00:51:00 Oh sure. I mean, the guys in Madison Square Garden, two sold out shows. Baby. People are flying in from all over the country to get on I swear they want to be in the ring with Hans Kim. Yeah, he's just he's just the release and lab leaks all over that fucking show Come on they want to go punch for punch with Hans on stage could you imagine huh holding your own with the great Hans Kim Who somehow looks like skinny Amy Schumer. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:31 Yeah. It was it was it wasn't it? That was like kind of like that was a fascinating moment in archer. It was a fascinating moment. Yeah, it was very weird. I tried to not go. I was like, I want to go to sleep.

Starting point is 00:51:41 Oh, you were going. You guys said I couldn't go. We got the text that we were going to get into the mothership. We were going. Yeah. I was worried I was going to walk in and Joe Rog you were going. You guys said I couldn't go. Once we got the text that we were gonna get into the mothership, we were going. Yeah, I was just worried I was gonna walk in and Joe Rogan was gonna kick my head off of my body. Once Gardini let us in there, it was like. Gardini couldn't get us in, Shane had to get us in. They were like, we're not letting these guys in.

Starting point is 00:51:57 Did Shane come out? No, Gardini had to get Shane to give us. Get Shane's approval to let us in. Right, right, right, yeah. So we had to get like a nod from the... And then they lead you through like the retard, like Kopa Cabana, like good fellows saying, you're like walking through a kitchen,

Starting point is 00:52:13 just a bunch of people with arrows in their head. And you hear, you're, be my, be my, be my baby. The Coca-Cola Cabana. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby.

Starting point is 00:52:29 Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby.

Starting point is 00:52:36 Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby.

Starting point is 00:52:43 Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my baby. Be my's bombing. The music is blasting so loud. They're like, everyone's killing tonight. Yeah. Everyone's a killer. Hey, big news everybody. Everyone here's a killer. We're all killers cause no one can hear each other. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:56 Yeah. It was interesting. No, it was great. I mean, Shane came over and I couldn't hear a single word he said and he was talking to us and he said something to me and I just heard. And I was just like, dude, I don't belong here. I haven't earned this.

Starting point is 00:53:12 You and I were getting so stressed out, we smoke cigarettes. We start, I smoked a cigarette. I felt terrible. I hadn't smoked a cigarette in like a year. And I was like, I got, I'm just panicking right now. Yeah, I stole one of Gardini's cigarettes and started smoking.

Starting point is 00:53:24 Everyone's coming up to ban act and like they've always had respect for him. Yeah, I stole one of Gardini's cigarettes and started smoking. Everyone's coming up to ban act and they've always had respect for him. Yeah, that was a weird thing. Very fascinating. I was like, I thought you had no respect for me. Yeah, interesting. They're like, I swear, I remembered a couple episodes back in the day.

Starting point is 00:53:37 I thought you thought I was some sort of a slave prick. I had a feeling I saw you do something once. Very mean to him. Yeah. And now we're cool. Interesting stuff. They're like, man, the Patreon's high enough that I've unblocked your number. So I'm now pretending to have respect for you again.

Starting point is 00:53:56 Oh man, yeah. It was a fun time. It was just like I was like. It was great. And it was cool because... But I just, I told you guys, I I'm like I don't want to meet anybody I just like literally one it was fine being like Shane and Gardini and those guys were like awesome But I like mostly want to stay in this I feel like we're in a clubhouse

Starting point is 00:54:15 Just throwing rocks at old women that walk past on the sidewalk and I kind of want to keep that It felt like we climbed down from our treehouse to like grab the mail and then we like ran back Running back up to look at pornography and say no no, but as soon as we get up there We grab our rifles we start firing at them again like we ran back to here to talk shit Yeah, we're like thank you so much. We love you and then we just came back here We're like they came back and we're like, thank you so much. We love you. And then we just came back here. We're like, hey, thank you. We came back and we're like, damn, fucking David, man. We talked so much shit.

Starting point is 00:54:51 We ran out of comics to talk shit about. I'm not even kidding. It was the fourth night. It was four days of us being like, he's a fucking cocksucker. I hope his wife rapes him and his kids die. Vile shit. It got to the point where we were like,

Starting point is 00:55:06 who just started comedy? Put up somebody. No, we start doing open mics again to just shit on new comics. We ran out of comics. We were looking at, we had YouTube loaded. We kicked Travis's friend off of his own TV who's playing video games on

Starting point is 00:55:18 because we haven't shit on open micers in four days. We were starting to shake. Like it was heroin. We forced Travis's friend to fly his jet pack in GTA to the comedy store and shoot it up. We were getting upset. We were like, dude, let's go, find it. Find Sunset Boulevard, add whash.

Starting point is 00:55:36 It's Sunset. It's past Carnies. Get to it. It's past Carnies Express. God. And then we were literally, we had YouTube up and we were literally, we were going like, okay, what is another comic we know?

Starting point is 00:55:47 And we couldn't thank anybody. Yeah, we were out of shit. So we were like, all right, let's start back at the top, put in, you know, Flea-Pflip-Plop in there. Flea-Pflip-Plop. Let's tell Flea-Pflip-Plop he should kill himself and burn in a fire of hell. It was, it was, it was cool cause there's,

Starting point is 00:56:06 I don't know. You know, I liked, I really respect like about 0.3% of the community that we were around. Yeah. And oddly enough, those were the only people that seemed to care about us. Yeah. And that was cool. That was very cool.

Starting point is 00:56:23 That was very cool. The shows were great. The shows were so cool. When you guys loved to like pull out every single one of Amy Schumer's teeth with a pair of pliers, like duct tape or do a chair, and start and pull out every single tooth. She's screaming, she looks like a baby.

Starting point is 00:56:39 She's just getting really fat, newborn baby. And you know, it would come out like just picking up a coin off the side. Just the amount of sugar and gravy. She's eating it just slides right out like Jeff Goldbloom halfway through the fly. You think she wakes up every day and her husband picks the dead skin growing into wings off of her back. That fucking Zionist bitch retard.

Starting point is 00:57:03 Her autistic chef husband. Yeah, how could you be that ugly and be like rooting for Israel? Whippin' up like Palestinian baby Alfredo. Yeah. She wants to take Gaza, so there's a place big enough for her to live over there. Yeah. They can't wait to turn it into a parking lot

Starting point is 00:57:20 so they can charge high prices. Dude, I want to squish her with like a steamroller. Like those things that they like smooth over concrete with shit on construction sites. She does look like one of the people in Fury that they run over in the tank. She'd be the first person to dent a steamroller. There'd be a big cave dent part on it.

Starting point is 00:57:38 Yeah, I'd love to like wrap a wire around her neck. You know what I mean? Oh, that's, you'd have to have a really strong Garrett wire. Yeah, you'd have to have a grand piano. Oh my God. The longest, the lowest note in the piano case. If you put her in a guillotine, you'd have to do like a bunch of chops.

Starting point is 00:57:57 You'd have to be violent. You'd have to build a giant slap chop to behead her. I love the slapper with the broad side of a sword right across the face. Yeah, a killer with a dull sword. Yeah, with the flat part, not even the sharp. I go, wha! Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:14 Across the side of her fat head. I don't even use the blade. She doesn't deserve the sharp part. You're doing gladiator shit on her, doing spins and shit. You don't want to get the blade bloody. No. You want to, yeah, use a butter knife. I would love to take a pitchfork to her stomach.

Starting point is 00:58:29 You stab her with a pinner to a wall. Thousands of times with a butter knife. Takes like three days to get her. But what if the first stab, she just pops like a balloon. She just, and just birthday cake goes everywhere. What did she say? She's like, I'm not fat. I just saw a picture of her.

Starting point is 00:58:47 She goes, I'm actually not fat as shit, and I'm not evil. I have, and she said like, I have. She said she's sick of the troll comments. Endometriosis, I think she said she has. Every fat dumbass like her. Yeah, they all make up. They all have autoimmune, whatever.

Starting point is 00:59:02 Right, they gave themselves by eating. Yeah, always. Just own up. Own Right, they gave themselves by eating. Yeah, always. Just own up. Own up, you're a disgusting person. And you should not be alive. Yep. And you eat as much as you do because you're empty inside and you're trying to fill a hole.

Starting point is 00:59:17 And it's because you're evil to people that are close to you and you're actually close to no one. And you feel like a fraud and a fake because you haven't. You're the worst. And you're the worst person in your family and your uncle is Chuck Schumer. You're somehow the worst person in your family. Your uncle is a senator.

Starting point is 00:59:34 Yeah. And you're somehow the most evil person. Your uncle's a senator of maybe fuck's kids. Right. Your uncle's out at Epstein Island being like, I mean, Amy, she's just such a bitch, God. Ha ha ha. And she's getting his dick sucked by a fetus.

Starting point is 00:59:47 Didn't she say like she hasn't even met the guy? She's met him like once. Like he's like a distant cousin or something. But that's what they all say. They all say that shit. Yeah, we know what's really going on. There's all no connection. There's no connection, but we, but you know, we're all.

Starting point is 01:00:00 All that napathism shit. Her response to this stuff, I remember it was like, okay, so you think I'm ugly, I don't care. I found a person who wants to fuck me. And it's like, well, you've trapped an autistic man into a weird relationship. You found a guy at the Warhammer shop in the mall who also cooks.

Starting point is 01:00:20 Yeah, that's your boyfriend. You sick bitch. You sick bastard bitch. You fucking weirdo. You joke thieving shit head How did she get a pass for that by the way? We have there's hours of footage of her stealing. I don't know I Don't know I'm But I think I think here's here's how she could Here's how she could everyone would like her again

Starting point is 01:00:42 I think here's how she could, here's how she could everyone would like her again. Here's, and I'm gonna offer this to Amy Schumer right now if she's listening. Who knows who listens to this show? Amy, if you're listening, right here in this room, we'll go live, I will kidnap Seth Simons. I'll lay him right here on a big dinner plate. You sit in this chair and you eat him.

Starting point is 01:01:01 You eat Seth Simons on a live stream piece by piece. You put him down in your belly. We're gonna rate, we'll raise a million dollars on the YouTube channel. We'll donate it to the IDF. Donate it, obviously her wishes. Her wishes. But then she's done something good for comedy finally.

Starting point is 01:01:17 She ate Seth Simons. God, it would be, wouldn't it be great if somebody like, you know. What's that? Did something to him. It would be great if somebody like, you know. What's that? Did something to him. It would be great if somebody did something. Something nice. Something like they gave him a gift.

Starting point is 01:01:32 Yeah, that's a ticking gift. If somebody gave him a real nice gift and a visit. Do you know his Tumblr article? What's that? He wrote like another Tumblr article after Shane got SNL. Okay. And he was like, so about that SNL thing, is the headline or something like that?

Starting point is 01:01:47 Right. And he goes, here's how I've won, even though I'm writing journalism for Tumblr now. Here's how I've actually won. My tweets are protected because I suck so much ass. I will be killed if anyone sees them. Imagine if, dude, if Norm MacDonald told, like, told, like made death threats against me

Starting point is 01:02:05 I'd be like I have to kill myself. I have to if it's someone as great as norm thinks I should die I want to take that frame and I want to take that tweet of norms and well Here's these people these people write off all greatness They find something to make up about all great people so then they feel comforted in their own mediocrity all great people so then they feel comforted in their own mediocrity. Like they tried to change the parameters of comedy to fit their own like mediocre contributions or less than mediocre. And so everybody, they have something about, they have an excuse for every single grade. Well, Norm, Norm, you know, took a picture with a woman and put his hand on her shoulder

Starting point is 01:02:42 once, so he's a rapist. Or every, there's something for everybody. All their betters, they have figured out some way to convince themselves that they suck, to make themselves feel better about their worthless existence. Yeah. Truly.

Starting point is 01:02:58 I think Seth said, he said in the Tumblr article, he goes that the right wing people started doing comedy during the pandemic and they didn't wait they didn't try to stop the spread and so since they got a head start on all the liberal comics and that's why they're right right wing Nazis won comedy. Oh yeah all those right wing comics. That's why Shane's hosting SNL. Right all those right wing comics who started in the pandemic but also 2011 somehow. Right. All those right-wing comics who started in the pandemic, but also 2011 somehow. Right. What a fucking retard. Yeah, that's the new thing. God, he's so retard he came and just say they're racist and just like that's that. You know? No, it has to be like deeper than that. Yeah. Well, I guess they got a head start on and that's why like nobody's a fan of,

Starting point is 01:03:43 I don't know who he thinks people should be fans of like Greg Proups it's like they had their day they all had their like fun in the sun who is who does I wonder I would love to find out who that guy who Seth Simons thinks is great who is somebody he's like they're the best comic I think he would if you like got into his subconscious like in a Christopher Nolan like inception, like gay kind of way. And you went into like all into the deeper parts of his mind, you'd find out that he would save me. It actually is me, I'm great.

Starting point is 01:04:15 That's probably what I'm saying. And that's why I want Amy Schumer to eat him on a big plate. I want a guy to be cutting him up like the dude at a golden corral that's cutting into flaming on with a big hat. Just a little slices and just give him out to the comedy community. Yeah. Everybody comes by, they get a piece of sass diamonds and they eat him.

Starting point is 01:04:31 I would love for him to be on like a shawarma spit at Legion of Skanks and the guy just slices a new slice off of him and just hands him to a fan and a falafel. You live off stolen jokes. I kind of feel bad by the way. I spread another rumor about Breck Elman that's fake on Twitter. Don't feel bad ever. I didn't mean to do it, but I told everybody

Starting point is 01:04:53 he only had sold seven pre-orders of his book, which I don't know if that's true, but everybody thought it was and it kind of went viral. That's great. Never rat on your friends, and never apologize for shitting on retards. And never don't stop shitting on Brett Gellman. Oh, you popped your cherry.

Starting point is 01:05:10 Kids just own Brett Gellman online. 1.5 million impressions, he said Brett Gellman died. Everyone took it seriously. Everybody thought he died. I didn't mean it for people to actually think he died. Why? It's funny, this is. He's already dead.

Starting point is 01:05:23 This is also. These people are already is. He's already dead. And this is also. These people are already dead. He's a walking overdose. Yeah, it's also funny, this is like the only good thing you've ever done on Twitter, actually. It's shit on Brad Gelman, so don't feel remorse for this. I guess it's so right it feels wrong. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:05:37 I feel guilty for being like the righteous man on Twitter. Well, yeah, I mean, you are like bullying like the equivalent of like a retarded kid at school. It is a guy going like, I eat pennies and you go, I mean, you are like bullying like the equivalent of like a retard at kid at school. It is a guy going like, I eat pennies and you go shut up nerd. You shove his head. But then the whole school is like, go, go, go, go. But somehow it's morally right to shove the

Starting point is 01:05:55 I eat pennies guy into a locker. Somehow it actually is morally okay. Yeah. I only sold seven copies. That fucking retard. No, don't feel bad for lying about people and saying they're dead. I'm going to keep lying. I'm going to keep making up lies on Twitter that go viral about him.

Starting point is 01:06:15 I'm going to make him. I'm going to bully him into an O.D. What are you going to tweet next that he's funny about? Oh, well, that's the next thing I'm going start doing is I'm gonna start going viral saying he's like a really good comic and everybody loves him. I'm gonna invert it on him. Anything's gonna have to call you a liar. He's gonna have to get on Twitter and be like I actually suck ass and everyone hates me.

Starting point is 01:06:38 I'm gonna say I'm a neo-nazi and Brett Gellman's my favorite comedian I go, Brett's perspective on comedy and life opened me up to this new way of life. That would actually. Hail Hitler. That would actually be jeans. You're like, I'm a neo-nazi and I love Brad Gelman. I thought he was a cuck retard. And then I realized he wants to kill people of color.

Starting point is 01:06:59 Yeah, that is great. And because of that, me who loves Hitler also loves Brad Gelman. And that's why he divorced his black wife and that's why he divorced his black wife. That's why he divorces black wife so he could kill black people. So you could kill brown people in buildings. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:11 That would actually be genius. He'd be at a, he'd read that at computer monitor and be like, he'd kill himself like wire, wire. I'm killing my own ass. God, yeah. Holy shit, Amy Schumer. I love to land a plane on Amy Schumer. I love to learn how to fly a plane so I can clip at the top of her head with the big wheel that comes down. A lot of way. Like North by North West.

Starting point is 01:07:38 Yeah, and dude, and like send her flying like a thousand miles per hour down the runway. Like the way like a car crash simulator is when you make an 18-wheeler go 3,000 miles per hour down the runway. Like the way like a car crash simulator is when you make an 18-wheeler go 3,000 miles per hour in the game and it just make you, it flies into outer space. I wanna actually do that in real life. She does. She looks like firefighters use her to like catch people

Starting point is 01:07:57 to jump out of buildings. They just hold her. They just hold her out and they land on her stomach. They go jump and they jump and then she opens her mouth and just swallows them. The thing that pisses me off the most about her is it's just that she's fat. But it's the fact that she gets fat and her tits don't get bigger really that pisses me off. None of the fat goes to her tits.

Starting point is 01:08:17 She sucks her own tits to drink the milk. She's that hungry all the time. She milks herself. She gets pregnant to make milk. And then she sucks it out and makes milkshakes with her own titty breast milk. And then she stabs her baby, cause she heard it was black.

Starting point is 01:08:36 Cause she fucks black guys. She carries Ness quick with her in like a little rock climbers bag where they put chalk just so she can mix her own titty milk. Proud gluttonous Zionist, sucks her own, sucks her own breast milk and stabs her her interracial child, her belly. I don't know how you can have the same opinion as Amy Schumer and be like, oh, I'm wrong. You see like this woman, you're like, oh, she thinks what I do. Yeah, exactly. How do you see her with her confidence?

Starting point is 01:09:03 She looks like the guy from Dune, the bad guy from Dune. She looks like she floats around the room and sits in a big pot of goo. Yeah, she does. She looks like something that they're working on in poor things. What do you just love to like step on her head? I mean, I don't know if I have...

Starting point is 01:09:20 Yeah, I try to... I don't know if I have the energy to get that done. What a big head. I try to curb stomper, but she might eat it We just want to you want to press your boot into her face when she's looking up I when she flosses there's just like she pulls out like a ribeye a Lady like her she flosses over the sink. She clocks the drain You know what I mean? You know you know I mean I know you mean brother hope that bitch has Drano on hand after she's had a nice steak dinner she's draining for her own threat get

Starting point is 01:09:54 the food to move through it I'm kind of convinced she's always been Richie and I used to talk about this and Richie had some good points about it too but like like I'm I've kind of being him have both been kind of convinced. I feel like she's been protected by comics her whole life because they knew she had some power with the Chuck Schumer thing. Because no matter what, everyone just gave it up to her early, like it tells and everybody, I feel like she like has shit on people or something.

Starting point is 01:10:20 Yeah, people are also just afraid of psychotic liars because when you witness someone who lies 100% of the time, that person thinks that they're really good at lying and no one can tell, but everybody's actually afraid to call them out on the crazy lies they say, because they go, oh, they're just psychotic. So everybody just gives her what she wants. Yeah, you don't even want to,

Starting point is 01:10:39 it's like a homeless guy in the street. You go, yes, you're right, like whatever you're saying. They don't surround themselves with unagreeable people because if an unagreeable person is in their presence and says the thing that's actually the reality, they just turn around and go, that person fucking sucks. And they just make up crazy lies about that.

Starting point is 01:10:57 And, but everybody knows they're lying too, but I've seen these, how these people orchestrate. All they do is they constantly do crazy psychotic lies. Forever and that's the shield that protects them through life all the way to the top to make a bunch of money. And you hope they just have the Irishman moment at the end.

Starting point is 01:11:19 And they will. I mean, if she had a soul, she would go to hell. So. Yeah, the end of the the hour leave the fridge door open Yeah, Joe Pesci comes with the bread and wine she just rips it out of his head Yeah the gingerbread man Because she's fat she really that that picture is crazy for

Starting point is 01:11:48 yeah holy shit of her face what a big bit so what did she say she has what a big bit what is very ugly as well extremely ugly and evil yeah evil cunt evil horrible fucking piece yeah if she was in the movie, Shal Hal, she would look exactly the same through his POV. As she does to everyone else. As ugly inside as she is outside. Burn in hell. Go to Long Island with your tens of millions of dollars and just, you know, rape your gay boyfriend

Starting point is 01:12:20 or whatever the fuck you do. Go, go, just have, you have enough money to just have assistance to torture all day so you feel like you're like Caligula or something. That's all these people want to do, they just want to, they want another sketch show on Hulu so they have another, they have people to manipulate and torture and to make feel like they're small little ants.

Starting point is 01:12:41 This being said, I do love life and Beth. Life and Beth is great. What is that? Well, season- Life after Beth. Season two cleans up a lot of the mistakes they made in season one. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:51 Really? Yeah, it's like Better Call Saul for breaking things. Yeah. They hit a stride. Is that her show now? She's in Life After Beth? Life After Beth. And I just realized it's like Life After Death,

Starting point is 01:13:01 but her name's Beth. Is that, is the plot of the story, some guy fucks her and then has to like live with himself afterwards? So it's a life after Beth. Yeah, God, it is crazy. She's just like, you know. There also, she's that type of evil.

Starting point is 01:13:16 You're right where nobody will fuck with her because you could literally be like, oh, you know, Devin accused her of being a joke thief. And she's like, Devin raped me. She is that type of crazy person. Like that type of insane. She just keeps adding lies, adding, adding lies. Yeah, yeah, it's like trying to own Cartman.

Starting point is 01:13:32 Yeah. The best way to lie is actually to keep lying. Yes. It's to have so many lies, someone can't even single out a single one. There is a, there is a- She's taking her diet to court. You raped me.

Starting point is 01:13:46 She has a whistle when she eats food. Yeah, she was raped by Benigans. No, there's a moment when you get old enough where you're like, oh, actually, if you, um, if you're a bad person, you will get punished. But if you're a worse person, you actually won't. That's right. If you, if you're bad enough, like everything will actually, the universe will reward you.

Starting point is 01:14:06 Because there is no God or justice at all. Well, because the devil created this world and he rewards his greatest soldiers actually. With the things in the world. And he goes, now my masterpiece, Amy Schumer. Yeah. These people are just- The devil was in hell and they go,

Starting point is 01:14:20 they go, sir, she's much too evil and ugly. May you say, shut up. I'm the devil. I'm gonna make the ugliest meanest bitch of our time. And she's Jewish. Shit. And they're like, well, yeah, of course we do that. Well, I assumed.

Starting point is 01:14:37 Yeah. No, we kid, we kid, we love this reel. These people, they're auditioning for Satan. It's just a big showcase for Satan. Yeah. It's truly everybody is such a phony fake piece of shit sociopath for the most part. You see these people, they're so like Amy,

Starting point is 01:14:57 like she's so off-putting. You go, who literally is a fan? Who is a fan of this? That was the nice part about the shows is fans would come up to us afterwards and a couple of guys drinks and one guy was like, okay, who in comedy is evil? And I was like, oh, this every, like I was literally,

Starting point is 01:15:13 I was like, name a famous comedian. He was like this person was like, evil sociopath. He, evil sociopath fake sober. He screams at everybody's, throws whiskey bottles around his dressing room. And he's like, he's like, what about this guy? Complete narcissist insane. No one refuses to work with him, yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:32 Did you guys see Tom Segura flew a chef out to make a croissant? I thought that was funny. What? You know what's funny? What is, what is, who, but for who? But the bit is, is that he can afford to do that. But what's the damage?

Starting point is 01:15:46 He can fly a croissant private from France to Austin for him to eat it. You don't get the bit is that he's an unlikable cocksucker. That's the bit. Didn't he used to be like a kind of a normal funny guy? Devon, let me tell you. I don't remember this always being a thing for him. When I put on a podcast and comedians start talking

Starting point is 01:16:04 about flying private, I'm pounding my knee. Get your drinks, clear them off the table, cause I'm pounding the wood, David. I go, that is some funny ass shit. It's very funny. I go, you know it'd be the perfect podcast if Ronald McDonald interviewed Warren Buffett. I go, that would be perfect.

Starting point is 01:16:22 Tell me about how your eyes roll and you're destroying culture. Buddy, come in here, Tom Sucker. He flew private to Cincinnati. And then wild things ensued. Honey, come in here, his dad was the vice president of Merrill Lynch. Honey, come in, his dad was literally the vice president

Starting point is 01:16:37 of Merrill Lynch, you know, he's flying private. I comment, I go, yeah, I love flying a croissant private story, that was funny, but the I love the flying a croissant private story. Like that was funny, but the rest of the episodes sucked. More stories about flying private, please. And I'll click. And I go, comment. Jesus Christ.

Starting point is 01:16:55 I post my comment. Him and Burke-Crisher, they have a tequila. They're selling, they're talking at tequila. Sure, why not? Burke-Crisher's flying private. Yeah, that's great. Burke Berkresher flies PB and J Very good right folks very good when they're like when they're on stage like and then the other day I flew I flew private I go

Starting point is 01:17:21 I'm gonna fucking piss my pants. No, stop. Stop, no. Oh, you got it. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. No, but I'm genuinely curious. Who is laughing at this stuff? It's a trick, it's a standup trick of rhythm

Starting point is 01:17:37 and manipulation of bad standup. I watched that promo with the croissant. Like what am I, what is wrong with you? I mean, Devan, you forgot, these are the people who love the IHOP commercials. These are fans that don't know what a croissant even is. They don't know where France is. They don't know what a plane is.

Starting point is 01:17:54 They're like, I love the colors and the shapes. The thing you put on- Tom's eyebrow rose like this. The thing you put on for your daughter that's just shapes moving around, they're like, I like when the steps move and he's he's Tom and I know him and sometimes he goes on to show his Joe and sometimes he goes on to show with to you. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da man mask anywhere. He doesn't look like he has any human emotions in him. Yeah, his face looks like it's made out of like Kardashian ass. Like that's left over. It's sculpting it. I don't know. I don't know. Is it? Oh, nice. Nice. Alright, well who else

Starting point is 01:18:57 sucks cack? Who else is a man? What other bridge can we bear before it even gets built? I guess we better get out of here before we like say because I said some vile things about Like things I wanted to call. I said some vile things about a big grub worm in hell Look, I'll be the first to admit I called for violence against a woman. Right. Did you know? She's not a woman. She's one of the words to say it. She's one of the worms from dune. She's not a woman Can you get in trouble for talking shit about objects? No, no, no. I would love to put her on a big hook and cast her into the,

Starting point is 01:19:32 I'd like to put her on a hook like bait. Right, and then every fish swims away. Empties, they're swimming on the land. She, the bait is eating the other fish. They're confused, yeah. It's like using a whale as bait. It's like using a whale. bait. It's using a whale. A shark swims up through it, she just knocks it out,

Starting point is 01:19:49 starts to dive on it. Dude, that would be the eye. Here's what I actually want to do. I want to lower her into an aquarium at SeaWorld. OK. And the. It starts overflowing and kills everyone. She does the orca whales and the dolphins do that thing where they fucking dive at her the way they

Starting point is 01:20:08 like kill sharks. I want them to scream like that or head slightly above water or fat fucking head. As to humpbacks or low tower or high towering her. Spinning her like John L. Way in the Super Bowl. There's a documentary like like Blackfish about how she's not treated badly enough. Yeah, this Japanese guy stabbing her with big oars. Oh, that would be awesome, too.

Starting point is 01:20:37 If I ever saw her swimming like in a lake or something and I was on a Seadoo, I would I would turn that bitch right for her head. Yeah. I'd write before the Seadoo hits her fat fucking head. I would turn that bitch right for her head. Yeah. Right before the C.D.U. hits her fat fucking head, I would bail. It would be great too, as if we were like, I tricked her into going on a fishing trip with me,

Starting point is 01:20:51 and I stuck her head down into the motor, and just turned her into Chum off the coast of Florida. Like a big, big rent street. How do you have a daughter? It's so insane, you're holding your child downstairs earlier. It was so insane. You're holding your child downstairs earlier. It was such a lovely moment. And you come up here and you just,

Starting point is 01:21:10 you're insane man. You're the judge in blood, Maria. Jesus Christ. We met all these people on the trip and then we got to Houston and you're just on stage like, he should die. We're putting that one out on Friday on the Patreon. It was a good one.

Starting point is 01:21:31 Live in Houston. That was a fun one. That was a great one. It's not shot the way the Shane episode was in Austin, by the way. But it's kind of, we kind of liked it more because the first show all the, it was, we were glad everybody showed up,

Starting point is 01:21:41 but it was kind of like a lot of like the crazy show. First show was more of a circus. It was a circus. The Houston one felt like we were doing the real podcast with like a respectful. Both crowds were amazing. I tell the FBI story at the end of that. And you reveal the whole FBI story.

Starting point is 01:21:55 That was fun. But if you guys don't know the live in Austin featuring Shangillis, that episode is on the Patreon now, actually. We put the video at the $5 tier for everybody. We're very generous people. So everyone could enjoy it. And you know.

Starting point is 01:22:11 It's one of those things I don't think we could put it out publicly, cause we... Oh yeah, we didn't wanna do that. We didn't wanna do that to him. Before SNL. He's got SNL. We'd be like such cocksack guys. He was already being the coolest person ever

Starting point is 01:22:24 for doing that, right before that. Yeah, Shane's awesome cocks. He was already being the coolest person ever for doing that before that. Yeah, Shane's awesome. No, it was honestly so awesome that he came up and did the show. It really ruled. I still mad at LaMaire for stealing one of my hamburgers. LaMaire did steal a hamburger. Not a great look for the black community.

Starting point is 01:22:39 LaMaire came in, stole a hamburger and then left. Which is so funny because like I told him he could just have a burger and then he stole one somehow. Even after having permission. We had 20 cold hamburgers left over. He could have had all of them. He came in and had one. I guess he didn't hear me.

Starting point is 01:22:57 Apparently he like pocketed one on his way out. He pocketed one and I called the fucking cops on his ass. And I said, there's a black man on six street and he needs to be taken you. You have a frisk. I go they pat him down to see if he's a burger on him. I go, I go put fentanyl on him. He will do this again.

Starting point is 01:23:20 Imagine La Mer like GTA like he gets the five star wanted rating trying to get away from the cops on the sixth street. Yeah, just because I'm an evil cock sucker. I'm like, his ass has got to fry. That burger cost us 45 cents. That was so fun. Yeah, the whole trip rolled.

Starting point is 01:23:38 Everyone was great. And we're setting up a East Coast tour right now. We're trying to do New York, DC, Boston and Philly. So hopefully those are good. Our lady who's awesome is doing it now, who also does our ad. She's great. And who? Hello, Clay. Hello, Clay. Oh, Clay. Oh, wow. Is that an on alcoholic beer? Thanks, buddy. We were just wrapping

Starting point is 01:24:03 up. Glad you're still here. We'll be dotted a sec. I still here. Has he been watching the baby and like Katie went to bed? I hope not. That's our friend Clay Casice. Yeah. What were we saying? I think we were wrapping up.

Starting point is 01:24:20 Yeah, at patreon.com.com. We'll do that. Yeah, yeah.com.com. We're on the East Coast at some point. We'll do that. Yada, yada, yada. To our East Coast, fuck Amy Schumer, fuck Brett Gelman, fuck everyone who isn't us for the most part. It's, it's, you know, it's so funny.

Starting point is 01:24:35 This is in, in summary, I fucking love you guys and I love doing this show because it's inconsequential. Like we can just say whatever we want and we don't have to leave this room. We actually don't have to ever leave this room. For a hundred and a second. There's kind of a part of me that never wants to like meet any of these people

Starting point is 01:24:50 because you kind of can unless you are in a, we're like in a sniper's nest in Afghanistan. The minute we walked into the mothership, I was like, oh, I don't know. There's maybe, there's four people here that I'm happy to meet. And then the rest I'm like, I don't want to know. It's like Band of Brothers when like they brought like a new platoon of young men

Starting point is 01:25:10 and they're like, I don't want to get to know you because you'll be dead soon. Right. It was a lot of people. I'm like, I don't you're going to ruin my show. Right. I'm like, you're not human. You're like, I met you and now I have to have met you and call you an evil cock. Yeah, it's a lot rougher. You don't want to see him. But, you know, I'll get through that. So we should die. Yeah, it's a lot rougher. You don't want to see him.

Starting point is 01:25:25 But you know, I'll get through that. I'll get past that. No, yeah, we'll be OK. Yeah, we literally did do it the next day. We did it 10 minutes after walking outside. This one's been fermenting for a bit, I think. I feel like I'm kind of cheating because this one had half a percent of alcohol in it.

Starting point is 01:25:41 And it feels a little bit like it has a little bit more of an edge to it. Are you getting wild right now? Well, watch that, Amy Schumer. Somebody's about to drive to Long Island with a diaper on. I crack a non-alcoholic beer and I black out immediately, and I wake up in like, Belle, more Long Island, wherever the hell she lives. And I just, I have a knife standing over her bed.

Starting point is 01:26:03 I hope that's exactly where she lives. Amy admitted, she admitted to rape, didn't she? She did actually admit to rape, you should look that up. She had a speech for like a woman's award. She admitted to like raping a guy who was like blackout drunk in college. Yeah, but she told her like this story of like, he didn't want to fuck me because I was fat.

Starting point is 01:26:20 So I raped him while I was blackout drunk. And you know, Gloria said,am's like, this is great, ghostbusters and women, everything sucks. Fuck me, fuck you, fuck us all. You can't even see yourself eating faggot. You can't even see yourself eating faggot. That's me, I'm the Fagan in the commission. This week at IHOP retards eat half off at the International House of Retards. I whore. Come down. If you finish your meal in 30 minutes, we'll kill you with a gun. Mm-mm, mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Uh, fuck. All right, it's getting really hot in this room.

Starting point is 01:27:09 Oh, thank you to whoever sent the Ginny Sack shirt. Oh yeah, it's definitely got a thing, yeah. And I want to quickly just really apologize for being a little mean on the live Austin show to a couple large gentlemen. One came up on stage, he was very vulnerable. Devon or Bull, I forgive you. I think his name was August.

Starting point is 01:27:29 I was just going with the flow of the show. But thank you for putting up with me. You were on Adderall. No, not in Austin. Oh, Houston you took Adderall. Houston I had to take. I had no sleep. But Austin, yeah, when we did like therapy on that guy, I felt like I was, I watched it back and I was like,

Starting point is 01:27:46 oh, I'm mean. And I'm a mean man and I'm not that really. That's why I don't watch it so I can't ever correct myself. But I was scrambling for things to say and if you're fat, you're fat. If you're fat, you're fat. If you're fat, you're fat. If you're thin, you're thin. But if you're fat If you're thin you're thin But if you're fat it's funny or not

Starting point is 01:28:07 I'll make jokes And if you're evil it's kind of morally justified Even though it's not But I can pretend it is like Amy Schuma At the end of the day I'll just use comedy as a shield For everything I've done that's wrong. At the end of the day you just say it's jokes and you can get away with the worst things on earth. Even if it's not you just use that to not be accountable at all. Oh yeah. I say all the things I said about COVID were jokes even though none of them were funny at all. They were just jokes because I don't want accountability except when I do and nobody's mad at me.

Starting point is 01:28:51 But truly thank you everybody that came out. It was like one of the best weeks of my life. Very surreal and it was awesome. Really cool. And I feel like we're already as close as can be but I feel like it has made us closer. It was amazing trip. It brought us together. It brought us. It brought us together. It brought us together. I feel like we're already as close as can be, but I feel like it is made as close or it was amazing true.

Starting point is 01:29:05 It brought us together, it brought us. It brought us together. It brought us together. We're a big family now. Yep. Well, I mean, yeah. It's like band of brothers. We are band of brothers, that's right.

Starting point is 01:29:16 Band of brothers. Mm-hmm. Okay. Now, now we're cooking. Now we're cooking. Okay, now let's do 30 more minutes on that. All right. What if black people were black? We're cuckoo. Now we're cuckoo. OK, now let's do 30 more minutes on that. All right.

Starting point is 01:29:25 What if black people were black? Man, podcasting is so easy. All right. Man, I love podcasting. All right. Anyway. No, we should actually end. Yeah, no, just say goodbye to the camera.

Starting point is 01:29:37 Bye, everybody. God bless you. God bless everybody. Everybody. Out in the west Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican poet Night time would find me in loses Cantina Music would play and Folida would whirl Black earth and night were the eyes of Bolida Wicked and evil while casting a spell I love was deep for this Mexican way I was in love but in vain I could tell One night a wild young cowboy came in, wild as the west takes his wing.

lemonparty - 069: fat kid glory days

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