lemonparty - 076: Frat party crash???

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

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I'm not a huge fan of just because it feels like the Cheesecake Factory of deserts. You know, yeah, that's that's true Yeah, and you know the game But gay guys who like like to eat at Chili's like it's a weird gay guy who lives in Palm Spring. Yeah, that's true Yeah, did you see they erected a big AIDS statue in? Enjoy and Palm Springs really is it they erected a big statue that looks like a huge asshole and it's it's It like raises awareness for having AIDS right raises awareness for how gross it is to get AIDS They're like this is what you did to yourself. Yeah, it's a public reminder. Yeah.

The statue's called the monkey's asshole. It's a really skinny statue. It looks like a huge asshole. Have you actually seen the AIDS statue? I think back, yeah, I think I think they'd be tweeting it out or something. I think they had to take it down because everyone was trying to have sex with it Here's like it was like a public health hazard. Yeah Gay guys were trying to fuck it. They weren't trying to fuck the whole they were trying to get fucked by the statue

They're grinding their open asshole against it like how cats will scratch themselves Thank you. You're my headphones up. I can't really hear myself Yeah, no, that's a fucking that's an asshole scratch themselves. Ben, can you turn my headphones up? I can't really hear myself at all. Thank you. Yeah, no, that's a fucking, that's an asshole. That's a prolapse asshole. That looks like the sand worm in Dune. That's literally it. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, that's the gay guys, the guys in Palm Springs are so gay they can travel through the sand by swallowing it with their ass and then spitting it out their mouth. That's Bob Hope's asshole. Yeah. Yeah, man, that sucks ass. Pretty cool.

Every statue, they're just terrible at making statues for some reason. What was the one they made? It was like a Martin Luther King statue and it was like a hand grabbing a chick's ass or something like that? I don't know. All I know is they really need to perfect

the black people statues. Because they start looking, they very quickly turn into racism. It looks like we're making fun of somebody. There's the MLK one in DC they made that looks like Goku for some reason. He's got a karate stance. They got worse at statues.

Kobe's statue kinda sucks ass. Yeah, every every sports stars statue looks like they have Down syndrome. Yeah. Yeah The Kobe statue looks like they made it out of him after he died. Yeah, it looks bad He's the yeah, they pulled his parts together and molded it Ben has the vape they have a big statue of Stalin in Georgia that they're really proud of the vapes great man Yeah, no wait in like Athens, Georgia. They have a Stalin in Atlanta, Georgia Really? No, Georgia the country. Mm-hmm of Stalin I've stopped cuz that's where Stalin's from is he just he's like he like it He's you know, like like someone makes it out of the hood

Yeah, or whatever and then they're like, holy shit like Tyler Perry, you know, you made it out of the hood or whatever he did that and in Georgia and then became like the apparently he was a Like he became like the dictator of like Russia or something. I don't really understand history, but apparently he did like he Apparently he like became Hitler. Yeah, but still it's all Georgia has right? So they're they have statues of him everywhere apparently it's crabs in a bucket Sounds like I will kill 90 million people but shout out ATL my friends thought I sold out when I started murdering farmers I think the South's got something to say and that's that we should kill people through famine It's it's like area code like going eight one eight. Mm- like 818. It's the same shit there, but with like,

they don't give a shit. Being a fan of an area code is the most retarded thing you can be as an adult, honestly. A fan of three numbers. Yeah, if I was like, shout out 325, Abilene, Texas. I'm like shouting out the number the government assigned me based on where I came out of a pussy. Yelling out your barcode as a robot.

I found out pretty quickly if you type in your area code into YouTube and then the word rap or hip hop. OK. You realize that there's dudes that are really proud of their block in that area. There's hundreds of these guys. And they all have music videos that they post on Facebook and YouTube that have like 300 views,

and they're acting like so hard, so hard, and it has like maybe 16 views. Wrapping about their, can I play some from Abilene, Texas? Or will they come kill us or something? They can't get here. They don't have enough money to get here They can't afford the spirit of mine. They're like 180 days from now when I've hitchhiked out there your fucking ass is grass There's this one guy that's like

For track mob presents Let me get off this John Ford move track mob presents Abilene, Texas cipher Yeah, that was that was one Abilene, Texas ciphers is an appetizer course you can get a TGI fries. Oh This was one. I really like this guy's name is dice. Okay, let me plug this in He's named after how high you can count the 12 I'm getting a little bit of a Back. Ooh, daddy like getting a little bit of a, ooh, a little feedback. Ooh, daddy like that. Let's turn that down.

There we go. Very, very good. Very good. All right, here's Dice with Get That, official music video. Crooked activity possessed. I love how they all have an LLC that doesn't exist. Yeah. I wonder if people can, can people see the TV is my fucking head in the way

I think it's fine. I guess we'll get like a switch we can barely see I mean this was filmed on itself when they sneaked in Their ass it's so rainy. This was filmed on a cycle He goes yo, what's up your life suck my life sucks to all our lives We got no hope What's up your life suck? My life sucks to all our lives Shout out no chance of peace and they're flipping out the camera It is like cuz they're they could basically be like Ralph Stanley in the mountains of like West Virginia Just forgotten by the government, but they're wiggers I think these guys are cholo's that like love to go to HB just forgotten by the government, but they're wiggers. Yeah. No one does it for the struggle. For the struggle. I think these guys are cholo's that like love to go to HEB.

Yeah. I think- Shout out HEB. They're so retarded they think they're wiggers, even though they're cholo's. Even though they're- They're like, they're like,

hey fool I love you, wait. Yo, the Conoco was closed today. The Conoco was closed today. The Conoco was closed today. They don't have any vegetables at the dollar store. How my family supposed to eat when the Conoco closed today? Conoco closed today. My daughter doesn't have the top of a skull.

She was born without it because of the Kupar plant. Dude, what if these guys find me and kill my whole family? They like, they execute me, gang style in my house. They roll up on you with rubber band guns because they have nine dollars. They're like, we're gonna give you a fucking, fucking Indian burn, fucker. By the way, everybody watching on YouTube We also can't see the video. It's so great. I just see them in a coup de veal, but I'm sure if the camera pans out

It's being pulled by a mule This is literally a camera phone they give to poor people You can't buy it unless you have a chin strap Can't get it. They'll take you into the back room. I want you to be found and it's a must I gotta find it. There's some money to be found. I'm stacking quarters, nickels y'all.

Man. I'm running time where I'm a blind. What? Y'all like my shit. Icy big baby man I'm making my shit. They're making a rain with Kraft singles. I love that they're like Hickory Street shout out three to five where it's like they're like they're literally on top of a big hill actual shit

Represent plant the flag nobody's gonna take this pile of shit from us nobody wants it It's my favorite part of hip hop is having to brag about the piece of shit place you're from. My favorite part about hip hop is having to explain where you're from is before you rap it. You're like, Hickory Street across from Magnolia Boulevard on the western part of like southeastern Houston. Yeah, God, that sucks ass, man.

Track Mob presents Sacrifice Zone. The water's black. Yeah, God, that sucks. Abilene, the 325 boss, freestyle in the hood, Cypher. He misspelled Cypher, by the way. These are the guys that like, every like five months on Facebook, they post like, just killed my baby mama today.

She was a bitch, man. Right, yeah, they're like, killed my baby mama today She was a bitch right? Yeah, they're like damn going to prison again Damn their Facebook is literally them being like got out of prison damn going back to prison Dude I used to live by this 7-eleven. That's the one across the train tracks west of Abilene Christian That's 7-eleven should have had a trap door in it to kill people That's 7-eleven was all that 7-eleven like made Abilene Christian. That 7-Eleven should have had a trap door in it to kill people. That 7-Eleven was the, that 7-Eleven made Abilene Texas look bad somehow. It was like a knockoff 7-Eleven. Well, Jase. Dude, it literally looks like a fake set

from a movie about a shitty town. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But this is Abilene, the 325 boss. Yeah, this is Manchester by the P. This fucking sucks. Also I love, he misspelled cipher. He spelled it with an F instead of like a fucking.

Yeah, it says chifer. It says chifer. It says in the hood chifer. We can't afford ciphers, we do chifers. Maybe on his keyboard it's missing the P. Yeah. So he just has to like work around it. He raps, he can't speak

because he's born without vocal cords Because he lives inside of a telephone pole. So he has to rap with a speaking spell He's like I fucking like I drill holes in this shit dog And he has to he has to rap with a speaking spell that he pushes out buttons on. These are the towns where nobody they're so racist. There is no clerk at the 7-Eleven. Yeah, like we're still waiting for a Muslim. They they have to go to the library to Google black people to get angry at. That's how few minorities.

You know, Arabs wanted. If you know an Arab, you got a job right here. Until then, the 7-Eleven will be closed. Yeah. We just so what we do is we, we take turns robbing the 7-Eleven for food. Our economy's based on stealing. I forget the guy I knew here, but he was like a classic comic con, like Star Trek guy

who just didn't care about anything. And he smelled so bad. And I would buy from him. And routinely I would be in there and black dudes would walk to the back and grab a 30 rack of beer and then walk out look him in the eye and then go out the door. You're right and he would do and I'd be like you're not gonna do anything about that. He goes no if it's not over $500 the police don't do anything anyway so they just I go they just do this every night he's like yeah pretty much there's nothing

I can really do yeah They just kinda help themselves. That's what I love being. He just would shrug and then check me out. Being in such a shitty part of town that people steal like it's the Milkman, where they go, howdy, neighbor! Just here to steal my 30 rack today. Hi, Clarence, how's the wife of Mrs.?

It's like Mayberry. It's so funny to calm, it's not even stealing at that point, you're calmly walking out. It's borrowing Mayberry. It's so funny to calm, it's not even stealing at that point. You're calmly walking out. It's borrowing, yeah. Mm-hmm. The whole town is a barter system. Put it on my tab.

This is a three, two, five boss. This place is so shitty, people get the death penalty for loitering. Oh, Jace, this is actually that EZ Mart on the west side of town. It looked like the 7-Eleven because of the saturation. Chyfer in the hood.

This is that good shit. This is this is the type of 7-Eleven. You ain't got to listen. In the shittiest plays in America, where they're waiting in line and they see like a two DVDs in one thing. And they go, what the? Rush Hour. I've never heard of Rush Hour. They watch Rush Hour for the first time

while getting an old England. They see the DVD and they go, they made a Rush Hour one? They only know about Rush Hour three. They don't know it's a sequel, they think it's called Rush Hour three. Where there's a guy in lines, like I'll take a Twix and what the fuck is Shrek? Give me that. Wait.

They go, give me that CD. They think it's a DVD. Give me that CD based on the musical I saw. It's just goddamn freestyle in the hood. Or the whole town hear my beat. 23s on my feet, ready for a sweep. We pass some lucky air flows. By the way, if we walked past this guy on the street in Abilene, Texas our dad would make us cross the street

He'd be so scared So that's him just wrapping into a camcorder. I want to see what he does in front of his Mm-hmm is actually his car that really kicks ass and is really cool. Yeah, there's a lot of There's a lot of things. He's not taken care of to have car. And he's got the 32 ounce Budweiser, I respect that. I don't even know if they sell those anymore. The 32 ounce Bud? He pours it into that. It is so funny in these towns where they have to represent

an area that fucking hates the Super Racers. They're like, 325, the clan is out here every fucking night. They wanna kill me and my whole family and shit. We ain't ever gonna leave. Three, two, five, for life. Shout out Grand Wizard Phillips holding it down. My grandma's hanging from a tree right now in town square. They're basically in like.

Yeah, I got a chain and they're holding up a noose. They're basically in Killers of the Flower Moon, but they have to be like proud of it. They have to be proud of it. They have all my extended family members. They're gonna let all five of them dead. Mumbling name gone. My sister's head exploded in a creek somewhere.

I'll kill myself if I have to move. I would never move to any place that likes me. I don't know that other places exist. I have Stockholm syndrome. Racist Stockholm syndrome. Move to any place that likes me. I don't know that other places exist I'm wearing 3d glasses. I stole from Walmart Yeah, I think that guy just wraps into the camera which Yeah, yeah, it's hard to like I've been saving up for an 808 for 14 years now You could type in any town though. So like do like a different one besides Abil- You just type in fucking-

Scottsdale? Like Odessa, Texas. Yeah, type in Odessa. Yeah, Odessa's a really fucking bleak. See if it comes up. Kid Dynamite. Damn, he's kinda killing it. Yeah, this guy's killing it though.

141,000, good for Kid Dynamite. Yeah, good for Kid Dynamite. 95, good. We will not be watching Kid Dynamite. Wow. I'm looking for some sub-2000 views right now. This is straight out of the brain of Anthony Kamiya, that video right there, on the block, Kill a Capo.

Yeah. Let's see here. There's some good, I mean, I think Odessa's going to mostly. Go to the West Texas Cypher. Yeah. What is a West Texas Cypher? Maybe they all battle each other. Yeah.

It's a Mexican standoff. They're all in cowboy hats. They go, well this ghetto ain't big enough for the both of us. Everyone look at each other, we all used to be running backs. And now we're here. Shout out Booby Miles.

West Texas cipher, medicine. So they're doing the classic thing where they're all in a parking lot of some kind or like a skate park and then there's just There's a drone going over them. It's the it's this in this many times. This is not parking lot This is where their house used to be before it was leveled while they were inside of it. They start filming I'm 2017. No, I think you said 2017. Yeah. It's the only way it has to be. Imagine if it's mad than half of what he said in his raps to me.

He'd have been knocked out flat a cow with a man on hands and knees, but that would never happen because this man could only rap three times. Yes! Again, not going to make fun of him. He's like, shout out Lemon Party for bringing it back. They took an X out for the F word and the award. Nobody was saying the award in 2023.

I am happy we were saying R and F before it was cool to say R and F. Yeah, we stuck our necks out for those two words. Yeah. And now everybody on Twitter, you go viral if you stand up for that word. It wasn't conscious though. Like, like. I know, we just never stopped saying it. I just, listen, listen, retard is the white man's N word.

That is true, yeah. And faggot. And the N word. And the N word. It's our, is the white man's N word. The white man's N word's the N word. Yeah, it's the hard R, that's what I call it.

It's our second amendment, we're not giving it up. Yeah. It's the right to bear arms. I'm gonna say F, and I'm gonna say R. Right to bear tards. And in private, I'm gonna say some other things I'm not gonna, but I'm not gonna let you know what they are. Yeah, in private, we just kind of talk about,

we make fun of pronouns. Yeah, we go, my pronouns. In private, we just go like, man, my pronouns would be like fucking like fucking hee-haw dude that's so fucking kick-ass I love pronouns jokes my pronouns be like real n-word yeah I'm gonna do like an Esposito rape special but it's a it's about it's all it's an hour of pronoun jokes Cameron Esposito, did she listen to her own comedy? She meets herself. She meets herself with her jokes.

Yeah, she raped herself with her hair. I kinda miss that era. Cameron Esposito. I'm starting to, honestly. We saw, you shared that video of, what's that fucking retarded comic who did the, my pronouns are. Look, Jace, you don't call retarded people retarded.

Oh yeah, sorry. No, there's a comic who actually has Down syndrome. did the my pronouns are you don't call retarded people retarded oh yeah sorry no he there's a comic who actually has down syndrome he has the answers from he dressed like a Mexican wigger and you sent me a joke of his where he goes my pronouns are what was it real n-word really n-word yeah but he said the n-word and people like whoo I was just like I was like God his pronouns are real n-word yeah in a weird way when he said it It was more offensive to do a joke about pronouns than say the N-word. Yeah.

If you do a joke about pronouns in a stand-up special, I feel like you should immediately have to go back to your office and yell at your secretary. At your office you have in a strip mall in the Santa Clarita Valley. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that was an interesting one Poor guy. It's really going viral. A lot of people hate it. Yeah You know, it's funny to go viral saying the n-word and bombing Both things. Yeah, the third thing is like you shit your pants. Yeah, I don't know how many more things you can have that embarrassing My favorite is when we know comics who have who have made clips They've cut clips from the stand-ups where they're bombing in the clip. Mm-hmm, but they don't know they're bombing Yeah, but you know, it's like it's literally like they've been at five hours in front of Premiere Pro Just listening to like wind blow past the microphone while they tell their jokes Yeah, it's really weird that like that clip that like that guy like had that made

Yeah, like there was a process like he sent it to a clips guy He had like a day to think about it, right? Yeah, and it went out But you know, what do you guys do? Yeah, I mean you get I just can comics go back to like being funny doing stuff like Like crashing frat parties after the show Remember when comics were funny and they would they would be really cool guys who drank a lot and crashed frat parties after the shows Remember when comics were funny and they would they would be really cool guys who drank a lot and crashed frat parties even though They're 51 years old. Yeah. Yeah, I remember when like Cosby and like Carlin Remember when remember that great bit Carlin would do where you get on stage and you drink

Miller light out of a shoe. Mm-hmm. Yeah, remember that classic bit My favorite Louisville was when he took his shirt off and complained that his wife sucks Even though he's a piece of shit. I Loved that Louie bit I Loved that Louie bit where he was dying of alcoholism for 25 years By the way, you're actually not that fat and disgusting if you can take your shirt off and make an act out of it That's like Louie takes his shirt off. It's probably really gross, right? That would dude it would be funny if somebody started stealing

from Burt, but he was really fat, and he like became mega, he stole like all of Burt's money. Yeah. He became mega famous. I don't like curated fat. Yeah. That's what I'm saying, cause he's a... He's so fat, it's like you're afraid to take the shirt off.

It's like an ironic mustache. Yeah, exactly. But it's his, it's his ironic beer gut. Yeah. Yeah. It's a Jack Blacky kind of his ironic beer guy. Yeah. Yeah, it's a it's a Jack Blackie kind of Beer got kind of yeah that being said I think it's really cool to like drink with like teenagers after a show I think that's sick. Yeah, no Bert tweeted Bert tweeted something where he's like, hey, I'm at Penn State

I'm gonna should we go to a frat party after the show and somebody quotes? We did know what I got like 80,000 He's like it wasn't it like you're 51. You're 51. Yeah, you're like 80,000 likes, you know, well He's a you know, he's a he's a He's like a retard vulture. Yeah, you know, he's not like culture. Well, he's like a retard vulture What are you doing? What's going on with you?? You keep sounding lower. I know I sound weird. I don't sound right in my headphones. You're not drunk enough. Turn my headphones up. I turned you up, but I don't know what's going on.

Yo, this is the West Texas Cypher, Mid-Dessa edition. Yeah, I mean you're all the same, I don't know. I think it's fine, I think it just sounds good. I think you just suck. I think I just suck. I think you're off the show. That's fine with me, I'm sick of you anyway. Devin, you're fired.

I'm really sick of you. You're already going down a weird path with the vape. You have a vape necklace, like you work at GameStop. Yeah. You guys jelly of my new bling? You should become the producer for the Mid-Desa West Texas Cypher Group. I could see myself getting that Furby necklace

from Uncut Gems but turning it into a vape. Mm-hmm. Spending like $30,000 to suck cotton candy clowns out of a Furby's ass. Walking outside and immediately getting choked to death by a black guy with it. Just cutting off your fucking veins to your head. It wouldn't be really funny if you're killed by a black guy.

You kind of deserve it. but just cutting off your fucking veins to your head. It would be really funny if you're killed by a black guy. You kind of deserve it. Yeah. I hope when you were in New York, you get knocked the fuck out. Not only- That's the first non-Chinese person to get knocked out, James.

You know what's funny is I would deserve it, and then it would justify everything I've ever said. Yeah. At the same time. But here's the thing, you wouldn't get knocked out by a cool, just schizophrenic black guy. You get knocked out by a black guy dressed like Batman, the guy that tried to shoot up the subway.

You get knocked out by the guy who sang Rock and Roll McDonald's. Yeah, right. You get knocked out by a black guy in a Charizard outfit. You get knocked out by a black guy who gets bullied at public school. You think I could become the white George Floyd if a black guy who gets bullied at public school. You think I could become like the white George Floyd if a black guy killed me?

Like especially if a black cop shot me or something. I think in the way that you would bring the whole country together, because they'd be like, that guy sucks. Glad that black guy kneeled on his neck. And then it would heal this country a little bit. I'm like, I'm getting kneeled on by a black cop. I'm like, I can't breathe.

He's like, exhale the vape cloud. I refuse to exhale. You're getting kneeled on by Colin Kaepernick. I can't blow a smoke ring. You are really, it's crazy there's no nicotine in that. There's like a big trial where they prove I have popcorn lung from vaping. Yeah, they just go, honor my client is requested to do a freestyle about racism in the court

And you just know beats start like trying to like lay down bars you accidentally say the n-word and imagine imagine the lawyer representing my I'm deceased but they're representing my family and they hold up the the the Furby vape That I wear as a big bling necklace. They're like this vape here was a classic sub on vape It was only turned up to eight point five mags. It wasn't even that strong the defendant claims the defendant claims that strong. The defendant claims that he couldn't chuck clouds that big at 8.5. And they bring up an autistic incel like Mona Lisa Vito. She goes, that was obviously a 1998 vape.

That was a copper coil. Because a copper coil could not produce a smoke cloud like that. As everyone knows, she has huge tits. Huge fake tits. Yeah. You know whose tits I think about all the time? Who? Is Jennifer Tilley's in Liar Liar and the lady on the elevator in Liar Liar too. Yeah, yeah.

Great tits in Liar Liar. Amazing tits. Amazing tits. It's crazy how good they are. I still think about them to this day. It's been 20 years. You know what's funny? As I'm not getting two weeks ago. I was just driving my car I go man that lady had big tits Jennifer Tilly Jennifer Tilly and the lady in the elevator

Yeah, the lady in the elevator too. I don't know who the fuck she is We really were great. We have such a great spectrum of thoughts as we drove around It's like man that lady had great tits or it's like Jason Sudeikis sucks ass I want to kill Jason Sudeikis sucks ass. I wanna kill Jason Sudeikis. For no reason. No, you have a reason. You just drive around and you're like, God, I love tits. I wanna kill Jason Sudeikis.

I was literally driving downtown two weeks ago and I was doing an argument in my head from nine years ago. I lost. I was I was doing an argument in my head from nine years ago I lost I was redoing it and then ten minutes later I was thinking about I was literally going like now which celebrity would I titty fuck if I could choose any celebrity? Oh, you know, I'm like, why do I have an opinion on anything? Why are these? You should have a hall pass for body parts You have a hall pass to fuck someone in the ass a hall hall pass for pussy, a hall pass for titty fucking, hall pass for blow job.

Cause that way you get to spread a little bit bigger net. Yeah, I'm the guy who has a, I tell all my friends I have a hall pass, but I'm just secretly cheating on my girlfriend. Yeah. I drive around sometimes and I'll just be like, Miles Taylor's a fucking asshole. I don't know why.

I think he's a good actor, but I'm just like, he's a fucking asshole. Well, supposedly he got in a wreck and sued that guy Oh, yeah, yeah I guess I got a wreck and he got a scar from it and then he sued this guy that hit him Mmm for like millions and millions of dollars and damages and now that miles tellers famous and like really rich like he doesn't need the money He's like still suing. He's still suing the guy Take him for everything. He's worth and all he has? He's still suing the guy. And trying to take him for everything he's worth.

And all he has is like one like little scar. Which is like. Which makes him look cool. Made him. Yeah, exactly. The scar, yeah. But Miles Teller apparently is still suing the guy for ruining his life.

Yeah. It was like a wreck from eight years ago. I think I. I like the commitment. Yeah, I do respect that, honestly. I like that he's like, I'm not a sellout. Yeah. I don't care that I made it, like you still hurt me.

I think the reason I don't like Miles teller is that he's a good actor But I think he is like I need to get in a transformers movie somehow like that's his number one goal Yeah in Hollywood. Yeah, yeah, I have no respect for actors who listen to podcasts. Yeah to me. They're like freaks does he? Yeah, you like he loves podcasters. He's like always, he loves podcasters. He's always taking pictures with podcasters and stuff. It's like, no, stay in your lane. Go be a guy. Yeah. Go be a guy who is super famous and rich.

And you're supposed to be, by the way, you're supposed to be like Nick Cage. You're supposed to be transcending to that old Hollywood archetype of you're so high and fucked up in this Hunter S. Thompson-y kind of thing, you should be throwing away all your money, buying private jets, being insane, smoking cigarettes in 7-elevens and they kick you out.

Be a real celebrity. You should also look at podcasters or dirt. That's right. Don't pretend like, we don't exist. You don't wanna like, act like you like, look cool for knowing about some friend, you know? Like, it's just so annoying when you ever, you're like, oh, this huge actor's a big Neil Hamburger fan.

And you're like, fuck off, you don't, you, you. I know. Oh, it makes me so upset. It's not for them. No, you're putting on a fucking, putting on a, like a hat, going to the satellite, and watching DJ Thug Pound do a set, like to Capri, go to Lakers game.

Anytime I saw. You're not cool. Go fuck models, stop being here. Yeah, this is for losers. Yeah, fuck off John Hamm, you're not funny. Take your big dick elsewhere. I literally saw him at Hot Tub one time. He's everywhere. I was checking the door, he staggered in drunk and he smelled like actual shit.

Yeah. He smelled like actual human shit. I feel like him and Liam Neeson are competing for who can piss their pants the most in public. Do you think if their dicks are too big, they keep pissing themselves? They're not even alcoholics, their dick's too big to hold the hole shut.

The hole's too big. Yeah, the hole's just wide open. It's just like a beaten up whore's pussy. They go to, they're like, I'm gonna go piss, and then the water just, and it just falls out, like a bucket. I only respect dudes like Russell Crowe. I respect actors that take the craft to the next level,

and they let it ruin their life. Yeah, and become fatty shit and chain smoke cigarettes. That's the thing, is you could actually ruin your life so much that it rules again. Yeah. You know what I mean? My favorite, my favorite favorite the one I knew I really loved Russell Crowe I listened to an interview with him where he's like, here's what I do, mate I'll drink a polymer tequila and a high voice and then I pour water in it and that that's how I'm falling and he's like

He's pretending he's fine. He always gained like, you know 250 pounds over five years what I do I like will fight croissant in a blender And I drink them with a little boo. What I do my is I don't drink be anymore I do the little chocolate liquor bottles. That's all I tell looks like he does the Bailey's on the go You know they make Bailey's the Irish coffee mixers Yeah, booze in it it says on the go there you literally is like a like in case you're running out the door Yeah, he looks like he goes to Dunkin Donuts and brings his own Bailey's to mix with the ice by shake

Yeah, and he kept he cracks a Cadbury cream egg like it's an actual egg It's like fuck I'm hungover and he starts cracking eggs on a skillet He's like, oh fuck I'm hungover and he starts cracking eggs on a skillet He's like eating eating chocolate oranges If you because of like if you struggle with your weight then your life sucks But if you decide to become that guy, yeah, then it rules again. Yeah, yeah, like rocky. It's a rocky road Am I right folks? I say this once you once you get to a certain age you start realizing how short life is and you're gonna be dead soon And you go well What's the difference between like dying at 55 and 72 and there's actually done just a lot more TV?

Yeah, a lot more aimless moments. I think there's also a die early Yeah, there's also a thing of getting like you're very successful, you have all the money in the world, you're in a long-term relationship, and you're like, well, if I gain 150 pounds, my stupid wife will still fuck me occasionally. So what's really holding me here? Dude, there's no way I'm going to care about pussy by the time I'm like 50. You're going to get tired of pussy very, very quickly. Pussy sucks. I hate it. Pussy sucks. I hate it.

Pussy sucks dude. I hate it. I don't like it. Your tea is plummeting by the way. I don't like pussy anymore. I just wanna like read Herman Melville and like drive her out of my minivan and be like a pedophile.

Just thinking about. I went out to you convinced your wife. You got the minivan for your kid, but it's because you want to get other kids. You're you're at the car dealership. Like, so how many kids can we fit in here? You like turn to your wife. You're like, cause we want more, right? It's backseat fits a lot of candy. Right. You view your baby is chum. It's bait. Like bait on a hook. Yeah, like I put on a big rope and drag it behind. Last night I went to like You guys were like at a bar like late. So I drove downtown to meet you at a bar last night

I drove like 45 minutes just because my wife has been in Texas for like three days and I've been on a real bender here. I've had got really good work done but I've three nights in a row I've done Mickey D's. I know the two times door dashed one drive-through and it's been really nice. I literally knew the minute Katie left you're gonna turn into the scenes from Elf where he's cooking. It's bad. Yeah. You're gonna be doing spaghetti and pop tarts. Dude it's bad. I do the spicy McChick, they got a deal on DoorDash where you get like free spicy McChickens and like 10 nuggets if you order like two Big Macs. Yeah. So I'm like well I gotta order two Big Macs and then get all that other stuff and what's

fucked up is after I eat it all I'm still hungry. Because that's how McDonald's works. Yeah that's their whole trick. Yeah, yeah, you've become a crack addict for McDonald's Twice it's the easiest place twice in one day. No, no, no, I've been doing this routinely every night at like 1130 p.m I saw a mukbanger lady. I found a new lady a mukbanger on the live streams lemon party clips channel live streams And it made me really want McDonald's. And so then I got it, and now every night I want McDonald's about 11.30. Do you eat along to the mukbangers

for like companionship in your binging? Eh. I have. You start the Nikocado video and you're like, okay, I need 19 hamburgers, eight curly fries. I've been going through all of Kubrick's filmography and eating McDonald's. And I gotta say, it's really awesome.

You're watching 2001 pounds. You're watching Mouth Wide Open. Yeah, full metal XXL jacket for fat guys. But so I drove, like last night, I drove in the, so I have a minivan now. And it took you forever to get parking. Meanwhile I've got a minivan. Because you got too fat to fit in the old car. That was kind of part of it too, where I'm like, I don't really fit in this car anymore, like my ass is getting bigger and it sucks.

They measured your hips at the dealership. They have a tailor there, specifically for me. They go, you're almost at Bill Parcell's level. They had to customize it like your shack. Yeah, they don't make the seat back. They make it more. Wider. Wider, yeah.

They tear out the passenger seat and just fucking move it over. Me and Andy Reid are buying the same car. We're fighting over the same Toyota Sienna. It's even sadder, you're going to the dealership where it's a picture of Andy Reid giving a thumbs up. Like at the big and tall store. Deluring more fat people.

There's something about the pictures of the big and tall store that make you want to kill yourself, because it's just a huge fat guy who looks exactly like you giving a thumbs up. It's brutal. They always have like a Samoan guy, a black guy, and then two shitty white guys. And you look at the Samoan guy, you're like,

that's who I am. I'm not the fat white guy. Yeah, I'm the big fat guy who smells good. I'm the fat guy who's made out of cocoa butter. Yeah, he smells like pineapples. And he has tattoos that don't suck. That's me. And he could be jacked if he wanted to. No as you're there's totally a lady that's following you around

Mm-hmm is for breezing you every step you move. There's a lady following you with a tranquilizer gun In case you start to fall you get a diabetic coma if Hemingway was alive today. He would hunt that DXL in a big safari vest. But be like, at Flabbergast, he'd be like, Ma, good god, Ma. We're making candles. Right. That's why he killed himself. He's a really fat guy.

So then I drive out, and it's weird, because I'm meeting my friends at a bar, and it's a really hip place. What's it, Art City something? Pulling up in a minivan. And I pull up in a minivan. It takes me 45 minutes to find parking, and I'm just circling,

and there's like all these cholos and stuff screaming, and I'm blaring the Moby Dick audio book. So I'm listening to like Father Maple's sermon about Jonah before they go in the Pequod ship. You really listen to audio books as you look for parking? I love listening to audio books on long drives. I think you're trying to get your ass beat in downtown. Yeah. I think you're trying to get your ass beat in downtown. Yeah.

So dude, there was this trick. I think you're trying to get in a death wish situation, but reverse. He looks like undercover immigration. Like when they have a picture of a guy in the New York subway and he like is obviously a cop. But he's got a Radio Rocky boombox. Yeah, he's like, I love hip hop and the Yankees.

I'm not a cop. But it's like Derek Chauvin dressed like Malibu's most wanted. He's got the gun imprint under his fucking hoodie. I'm just blaring it. And at one point, I'm turning by the Staples Center or whatever. And I look to my left, and there's a cholo who's fucked up. And he's leaning out of the car, and he's looking at me like this.

And I look at him, and I just go, I just start laughing. And he goes, he starts doing the Jack Nicholson jiff like this. Like they're nodding his head. From Arrested Development. He's like, that's great prose, fool. He's just doing the anger management fucking nod. He's like, hey, is that Billy Butt? Oh, it's Moby Dick?

All right, well, that's kind of hack. Call me, call me Ishmael. Call me, oh, that's a Mexican name, I don't know. Call me, call me Edward. Call me Ishmael. Call me, what's the Mexican name? I don't know. Call me Edward. Call me Edward. Call me Ishmael. Well the famous opening line from Moby Dick is call me Ishmael.

Call me Edward. Yeah, call me Ishmael. How about call me back? You made him Muslim in the book somehow. It's Ishmael, not Ishmael. Oh, I'm listening to some audio recording of a guy. They always like, I love, I find the audio book recording where it's, I either want like Charleston Heston,

or Charlton, Charlton, Charlton Heston. Charlton Heston, yeah. Charlton Heston. It's Charlton Heston, the famous dance. The Charlton Heston. I either want like that guy reading a book, cause it's always like a guy always a guy catching a big fish and he fucks kids or something.

You want a guy who's actually really cool to read for that voice, or I try to find audio books of a guy who's clearly very, very overweight. Yeah. I want to hear the breathing, I want to hear the pauses, I want to hear where they clip it for intermissions for him to go shit. You want to hear the pauses. I want to hear where they clip it for intermissions for him to go shit.

You want to hear in chapter two he's curly chewing on something? Have you guys heard Harold Bloom talk about books? No, I'm not, no. He's just a great big bullfrog who worked at Yale. And he apparently, he was like, he read more books than anyone. He was one of the greatest literary critics of all time.

But anyway, turns out he raped like 100 women at Yale or something. Hell yeah. Well, you know, they don't do much exercise, these writers, so they get it out in other ways. That's the thing, he's always bringing out a handkerchief and pausing and wiping the sweat from his brow. And then at the same time, when you read,

apparently a girl comes up and she's asking about her essay about Shakespeare or whatever, and then he just starts filling her pussy through the back and stuff. You never suspect it's that guy. No, that's how easy it is to rape women, actually, is that that guy can do it 100 times. Yeah, but if someone's wearing Earth tones and they read Shakespeare,

I just assume they don't assault women, but that actually makes perfect sense that they won't. If you're a college professor, you're gonna plow some 19 year old pussy. It's going to happen. Social people. Yeah. Yeah, if you wanted to fuck college girls,

I guess you would become a professor, right? I mean, look at Huberman. I mean, that's what you do. It's literally you have like, you know, like fucking? Women are very easily impressionable You fucking laugh like a Chinese guy in an opium den You should be chilling you should be the Chinese guy true grit who owns the store you look like you like rooster cock

We're in pays you rent Yeah, you go mr. Cobb will know here I do podcasts today You do a podcast into a into a peeking duck that's hanging Use a peeking duck as a mic stand And you have a big foo man chew made out of pubes Yeah, where were you saying that no I'm saying women are retarded and you know If you literally like if you're a 19 year old woman and you see one guy talking and then 300 people listening you're gonna want to Fuck that guy. Yeah, it's the power dynamics. It's literally like tribal caveman shit where they're like, oh good that guy's the leader So I have to offer him my my 19-year-old pussy to him,

because I don't have a prefrontal cortex. But guys don't wanna fuck the leader of the group because we're more like lions and we wanna pick off the one that's straying behind that slow, right? We don't fuck the leader, we kill the leader of the group, and then we wanna become leaders. Literally, if we see a strong woman,

we have a very strong urge in our reptilian brain to hit her with a rock in the back of the head. There's no women leader of the group. I was never the guy that was like, oh, I wanna fuck the captain of the cheerleader squad or whatever. Like the cheerleader captain. You weren't ever that guy?

Well, that girl usually like kinda sucks. You know, it's like, what are you, are you that vapid and boring? You wanna fuck the most popular girl in school? Yeah You want a desecrator You know like I fucking painted her face Get back out there and cheer for all the men Get back out there and cheer for all the men

That's right just ruined your makeup in this locker. Yeah, that was like yeah, I want to fuck her through the drywall I think I think here's I Think here's we're all sick people But here's how you and me are sick is we don't have the confidence to want to fuck the leader of the cheer squad Yeah, I never it was never an even I almost asked out a disabled, like, RJ Mitty lady in college, which I had gone over. Yeah, I remember. Yes, that's what it says about me. Yeah, you almost ate a crab lady for a second.

Yeah, you started crawling up the wall. She looked at you making crab from the Little Mermaid. I was like, hey, baby, how about me and you go somewhere? They got a new Chick-fil-A on the north side of town. It's handicap accessible. When you say me and you go, you lick Chick-fil-A on the north side of town, it's handicap accessible. What do you say, me and you go lick Chick-fil-A sauce out of those little cups? What do you say you and I have a date at Skull Island?

I can be your Dr. Moreau, baby. I saw you looking all good and shit, crawling on all fours up that mountain. I can turn you into a cream crab, baby. Wait, why am I going up to her like a fucking? You go, damn, Shawty, you looking all good and shit with your mollusk. Damn, you just wax those crutches?

Damn. They looking good. Hey, when do you shed that shell? I want to rub some of your goo on me, baby. Some of that slime. You're like kissing her colostomy bag in bed. Like you work your way up from her toes up to her colostomy bag, you're kissing her poop

and her pee in her bag. You're so bad at eating pussy, you're eating her colostomy bag. Wait, there's poop and pee in that or is there food in that? There can be poop, there can be pee. It's both. So they eat their poop.

Yeah, so I'm saying you're going down on her, you're actually eating shit out of the bag. So that's why they, it's like that's your problem is you you're eating poop you think people eat out of their colostomy bag Well, I'm saying like it's where they shit and piss no, but some people have like they don't have stomach So they have a bag and I don't know if that's a closet. That's where they shit and piss. Yeah, that's the cost to me bag Yeah, they don't also go like all right. I'm hungry and then like stab it open start sucking. They don't go all right I've lost the right to eat food anymore.

I kind of thought it was like a recirculating bird bath. You thought it was perpetual motion. Yeah. Where you just put like a turkey sandwich in there, and then it just runs forever. Yeah, you're eating out with him. He goes, no, I'm good. I ate in 1987.

I'm fine. I want to be the first guy with a colostomy bag who still gains weight You have to get a bigger cloth yeah, my bag is growing you're the guy who doesn't change his bag You just add another one so you got like nine hanging off of you like a fur trapper. I'd kill myself That's so funny, like they're beaver pelts. I'm in the Revenant. Yeah, you're the guy. You're a Frenchman. You're the guy with the dead body and true grit, who goes up

he's like, I'll trade you four teeth for him. I'll trade you four human teeth for my colostomy bag. 20 bags hanging out of my gut. I practice dentistry on retarded people. Big bear fucking head on you. If I was a guy with like Crohn's disease and I needed to have a bag Then I like ate shit out of or whatever the hell it is I still really don't really understand what what's going on down there. Yeah, I couldn't do that You also couldn't be a guy who eats through a tube where you just you pour you hook up

But he has like a matrix thing in the back of his neck and they like pour Gatorade down it when he's thirsty What's the point? I can't do that. What's the point? You got a chill? Yeah, you have to chew You can hook up, he has like a matrix thing in the back of his neck and they like pour Gatorade down it when he's thirsty. I can't do that. What's the point? You gotta chew. You have to chew. Yeah. What a hell.

We would all be the opposite of an inspirational story. Oh, yeah. We wanna be the guy like, you know, Edgar lost his legs and he speaks to local high schools. We'd be like, you know, Edgar lost his legs and he tried to kill a dog with a big stick. You know? I've just seen all this whole thing going on

where all these 28-year-old white women keep killing themselves. They keep setting up for being euthanized. Why? That is like a Swedish thing or something. It's becoming a real thing where people go, I'm depressed, and then they sign up to die. They say, I'm neurodivergent, so I'm going to kill myself.

Yeah, that is like, I, yeah. Yeah, truly. I can't stop'm neurodivergent. Yeah. I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. That's like I, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Truly. Like, like I can't stop like watching like Hassan on Twitch. I will put me in a death. Yeah. I'm a really hot lady, but I convinced myself I have autism because I'm retarded. So kill me. It's like an epidemic right now. Yeah. Of the, the legal suicide. Cause you can get assisted suicide. It's like all these like 28 year old, like mildly depressed people like signing up for suicide and Norway. It's like all these like 28 year old like mildly depressed people Yeah, like signing up for suicide and Norway. They're like I'm kind of shrugging If you're just a retarded 23 year old who wants the government to kill you I don't yeah I mean, what were you gonna turn that ship around?

Yeah, yeah, I mean best case you're gonna be a like a mindless thing that pops out kids. It's one of those things It's like oh my god. We're missing out on so many false accusations You could have ruined the TV industry Babe dotnet do now without you accusing somebody of something We're losing women who hate fun damn it. So it's like it's actually working. We're convincing young women to kill themselves. Yeah. It's just like women. Good work, guys out there.

It's just women that like Gavin McGinnis is like, damn it, I would have had a long argument with them online. But who's gonna yell at Ben Shapiro? Yeah, I'm getting, I was getting pretty pissed at the fake neurodivergent ladies. I keep seeing on TikTok where it'll like scroll and it'll be like a lady with like fucking D cups and like the most beautiful face be like,

here's some tips for my time-related autism girlies. And they're like, they say they're late because they have autism related to reading clocks and shit like that. You know how I watch your videos? I watch your videos like this. Like I just cover the top half of the screen and we're good and turn it all the way down Yeah, yeah, just the bottom half from the top connect the air pods and then take those babies out

Put them away the fuck over there And then just cover that shit you could you connect to your air pods at night so you can jack off to porn without getting caught Yeah, my wife's like why are you staring into the closet? Yeah. I don't know. Fuck you. Just decide what I want to wear for tomorrow. You're wearing AirPods to bed that are playing pornography. She's like, she's like, all right, good night. You're like, huh? What's that? So I was in a Moby Dick. I was listening to Moby Dick.

As you take the air pod out you just hear oh my fucking wet pussy Like I love this part. Oh, this is the part where the Moby Dick has a really wet pussy and they fuck it He habs leg is it's wooden and it goes in and out of his mouth So the asshole and he's Chinese lady, right? I love your black cock in my white pussy. I'm like, that's the white well He has a black Fuck the Pequod ship. You know narwhals? They're a white whale and they have black cocks on them. That's how narwhals exist.

You fall asleep to the sounds of a ball sack hitting an ass throughout the night. Bart Simpson is like, is looking out at a rainy, out of a rainy window. It's a beat tape. Low-fi beat. Low-fi to study to. Low-fi balls hitting apps to study to.

Low-fi gooning material to goon slash bait to. My wife just texted me, why have you only been door dashing food? Yeah, she just checked the Door Dash app. I've gone a little nuts. You gotta block her right now. Because she's gone, you literally don't know how to get food now during the day. I'm healthy. I get Indian and then at night I go look great your wife checks the ring camera footage and it's just different Mexican guys bring sacks up to the door

There is like mr. Every we have your nap We have a bag of naps We have a bag of naps. Yeah. Mr. Avery, is my third time here today. Mr. Avery, you ordered the chicken tikka five hour nap? Dude, I gotta get on a plane at 3 a.m. after this. You're just gonna stay up all night, dude. What, are you gonna go to bed tonight?

I gotta meet. Wake up at two? I gotta meet my wife's whole family. They're flying in for this eclipse in Dallas tomorrow. I gotta meet everybody. Who gives a shit? They're all gonna be terrified. They're gonna think everyone's black. By the way, you should.

They're gonna think it's Armageddon. They're gonna think it's the end times from the Bible. They're gonna start trying to kill people. And these are killing everybody in a Buc-Ease. Yeah, they see a gardener and they're like, oh, the locust from Revelations, the big locust. I think, fuck. Yeah, dude, I can't be, you should not invite me

to the eclipse, I'm gonna look at it. I always look at it every time it happens. Well, you can look at this one, because it's a total eclipse. You're getting 100% eclipse. I don't know about that, man. Well, we got like glasses for my baby so my baby could look at it.

Yeah, you're just holding her up my baby so my baby could look at it. Yeah, you just hold me around No glasses as her eyes burn You're like look at it Start shitting herself you shake your baby during an eclipse it makes it Hitler. That's how Hitler was made Someone shook in there And an ancient evil entered. A god from the year 6000 BC. An ancient god arose from the desert. It thawed from a hellish ice. Yeah, an inhabited Hitler. Honestly, I want to, even if my baby grew up to be like a like a Stephen Paddock or

like a dictator, like a fat, like a, I wouldn't even give a baby grew up to be like like a Stephen Paddock or like a dictator like a fat like a I wouldn't even give a shit. I'd actually be proud Yeah, it would rule you on the news after your kid does a mass shooting. You're like, I don't who gives a fuck Yeah, you're gonna judge me you can't I'll fucking shoot somebody soon Hey, I go hey man, as long as it's not hurting anybody Death count is 85. She killed 85 toddlers. You're like gives me shit. Wait, did you do it school shooting in preschool? Yes She's three. Yes. She's three and she walked in like Robo cop She walked in like terminator

She walked in like Terminator. She walked in like three years old and she's like Terminator in the police station. And then blowing a guy's knee out. The first school shooter who crawled into the school. Kills the teacher, kills the principal, kill everybody. She's getting around the school by like fucking shooting the gun and it's blowing her backwards. Yeah, and they still criticize the police for how they handled the situation.

None of them ran in. They were terrified. The police are like. None of them ran in. Yeah, the police are looking around the corner and they just see a baby next to a guy and they go, oh fuck. She has a necklace of her victim's teeth. They're like, it's a macaroni necklace.

Dude, you see cops, you're like, a three year old could outrun you. Yeah. They're like chasing a three year old child. She somehow like makes like a gun out of a blown up like doctor's glove. Like a macaroni necklace gun? A turkey.

Yeah, yeah. That's how she practices shooting on little fucking turkey hands that she drew with the black I hope America does get to that point. It's just like Wingers finally come to their senses damn right damn right God Yeah, I want America to get to the point where a baby does a school shooting coming.

I want a baby to do a shooting coming out of its mom pussy. Like the doctor's got his head down and then you just see the barrel of a gun. He's like, I think I see the head and then you just see the barrel of a fucking 9mm. I think I see the iron sights. Oh yeah, it's a Mosin the gun. Alright, no bayonet. Alright, it's coming out. And she has a cock. She's got the safety on. Sorry. Stupid. Sorry, your daughter's a liberal. Your daughter's a damn lib. You want us to make her trans real quick for you?

You want us to put her in the microwave? We'll give her trans. Hey, we're doing the shots for your daughter. You want us to give her the one that makes her trans real quick? That's what they do in Canada, probably, is just like, how do you want to kill your baby? We got like nine different.

Every time a baby's born in Canada Justin Trudeau walks in in blackface. He's like hey, I'm here to give the shot that makes your baby trans He's dressed like fucking Jafar Because hello, I'm here to give this shot to make him turn Is this bad? I don't know, it almost made me piss myself. I might have to go pee, because that fucking room is killing me. Go piss, girl.

What do conspiracy theorists say about the dollar, because there's like a pyramid on it? Is that the Illuminati? Like people are like, look, and they're like, that's why Jay-Z. Yeah, people think they're a national treasure at the supermarket. That's how retarded Americans are.

They think they're reading Benjamin Franklin's will at fucking 7-Eleven. But it's coupons. Yeah. Yeah. They're literally holding the coupon up to the left. They're like, Frida lays behind this. We have to kill the president.

You know what I've been listening to a lot in my minivan also, besides Moby Dick? Gay pornography. I've been watching gay pornography. You get the fucking- Between my knees. You get the Cybert cyber truck to watch gay porn on your fucking- Yeah, don't drive it. On the fucking 48 inch TV they give you? It has zero miles.

I had it delivered to my garage. I only turn it on to watch gay porn. You're tweeting at Elon Musk, Mr. Musk Musk the audio quality for my gay pornography is lackluster at best Use you sir have won the Internet's you sir have lost the Internet today No gold for you kind stranger. I can has cheeseburger. I can has cheeseburger and gay pornography just a guy who just I was gonna say

Flying no no just like right before this we were talking about something about fucking what you do cyber gay porn get pornography watching eating No, literally right before you said the cyber truck thing. I said I was gonna say something. Oh fucking god damn it baby school shooting Shooting Oh Justin Joe makes you trans Yeah, I don't know something like that. I got nothing man Some bad conspiracies. I forget. Oh, yeah

Oh, I know what I was gonna say what I've been listening to a lot. Sure I remembered what cuz I was gonna say, what I've been listening to a lot. Sure. I remembered. What? Because I was gonna say what I've been listening to a lot. Gay pornography. You say gay pornography, now let's get back on track here. Let's stay focused.

Thank God someone's steering the ship. Yeah I know. I tell you the inmates are running the asylum. Speaking of man, steering the ship, maybe my life is kinda like Moby Dick. I'm Captain Ahab. Right. You're just chasing a big fat guy.

You guys are the ones beating the whales. You're Queequec. You're Ishmael. Your whale is airsoft fatty. That actually makes sense, because Ishmael's a super ego. And then Queequec is the id. I don't know your gay shit. I don't know what that means.

I don't know what you're talking about, Reet. Stop reading. Stop reading shit. Why don't you just scroll? You should know more. You should know. You should read less, and you should watch more S should know you should read less than you should watch more Sopranos video essays on YouTube this I've been listening to a lot of jay-z recently

Okay, that's the most racist for for the most racist And you're like his mom was a day No, I've been listening to that story of OJ song a lot because I really like it No, I've been listening to that story of OJ song a lot because I really like it. And I listen to it in the minivan, it makes me laugh really hard that I'm driving around blaring it. And I say all the words.

Yeah, yeah. I say all of them. It's awesome. It is awesome. I feel really cool. Yeah. I remember when the story of OJ came out, you acted like Keith Olbermann during the Eminem Trump rap.

You're like, after 20 years, I finally like hip hop. I don't know, how did Jay-Z get away with that line where he goes, you want to know how Jewish people own all the property in America? This is how they did it. Credit. Credit. Credit. Or no, I think credit is the strip club line.

Where he goes, you know what's more important than blowing all your money in a strip club? Credit. Something like that. And this is how they did it. How did he get away with it? No, he said, he has a line where he goes, you want what's more important than blowing all your money in a strip club? Credit, something like that. And this is how they did it. How did he get away with it? No, he has a line where he goes, you wanna know how Jewish people own all the property in America? This is how they did it.

And then he just starts, he doesn't explain it, but that is a line in the song. Yeah, black people hate Jews. Yeah, yeah. See, but why did Kanye not get away with it then? Everybody took it down and then Jay-Z. It wasn't as, he was just like, I love Hitler. Yeah.

He didn't have a line that was subtle. It wasn't really subtle, yeah. He's a real sledgehammer type of guy. So people, you're saying people are more tolerating, they tolerate hate but they don't tolerate love. So if Hitler goes, so if Kanye goes, I love Hitler, people go, that's bad, we don't love things in society. And then if Jay-Z goes, I hate Jews, people go, that's bad. We don't love things in society. And then if Jay-Z goes, I hate Jews,

people go, that's better. Wow. Cause it's all about hate. I see. Cause hate is how. I just pictured Kanye with a gun to your head as you passed the bar exam. And he's like, you're my new guy.

You know what I was picturing? I was picturing Ben as Robert Mitcham in Night of the Hunter. He's like, if you love Jews with the left hand, but if you hate Hitler with the right hand. Yeah. It makes sense though because as a damn society. Sure, yeah, break it down. As a damn society. Bring it home.

We tolerate, like we are not accepting of love. They kill anybody that like tried to spread love. Martin Luther King, John Lennon yeah Patrice O'Neill John Ritter you're everybody that had a message of peace you're using Patrice and Malcolm X When they kill brother Patrice When they kill John Legend yeah Bob Saget Bob Saget John Madden They shot John Madden in the streets because he because he because he's had a message of love we didn't land on Xbox 360 Xbox 360 landed on us tough actin tin actin I'm sweating a lot. I'm in the stuff Island hat that stuff Island sent to me

I love Tommy and Chris so much. Yeah, they're very good. I'm sure they're gonna be glad there's merches in this episode No, but their hats are very nice I'd say go check it out online. He's amazing. They have great merch. Yeah Speaking of the fall to sleep. I keep a accent. I've been doing something not quite as says gay porn But I've been I keep falling asleep in my bed with sopranos YouTube videos playing in my air pods. I've done that like three nights in a row I think I gave myself an ear infection a little bit. That's nice. Just clips on YouTube No, just like literally a guy breaking down. He's like, here's what here's how Patsy was the guy who whacked Tony

You can't listen to Italians talk too much. It's gonna give you an ear infection There's too much butter in their words. Yeah, it's gonna curl in there too fat and you wake up quarantined in Ellis Island 1930 I Wake up I should start slowly talking like Tony. Just eating meat out of the fridge. My bare hands. Ben, this is becoming, I can't believe there's no nicotine in that and you just keep doing it.

It's the gayest thing I've ever done. I'm wearing a vape with no nicotine. It's around your neck like you run a camp. Yeah. Like you take kids out to the woods and you show them how to vape. Well, it's like a whistle. I, like you go or like you take kids out to the woods and you show them how to vape Well, it's like a what it's like a whistle like coach Harbaugh or something. Yeah, what's the guys name? You're like Jerry Sandusky, but everybody knew immediately

Yeah, I Hate looking at yeah. No, it really sucks. It does and also from afar It looks like I'm wearing jewelry like a big medallion It does look like you're carrying around CP on a hard drive on a necklace. That's what I would That's also a vape. I'm like, okay that's CP. That's also a vape. Yeah, just on your personage It's crazy people think they can still get away with that by the way. CP? Having CP? Yeah when you find out a guy has like you know where the amount of CP he has it would

take him like it's like the theme it's like the parks at Disney like you spent your entire life you couldn't ride them all it's like dude why are you biting off this this piece you can't chew here? Yeah. It's way too much. Here's the library of babble of CP. It is crazy, you know? It's like just stream it.

Why do they download it? There's no need to download. Oh, it's probably.onion leaks, so they have to download it. I don't know what that means. What are you talking about now? Onion is a, you gotta go on tour to- You're a pedophile.

You're a goddamn pedophile. I'm not a pedophile. I've watched documentaries, I know things, I've talked to people, I've interviewed pedophiles before I've come into contact with pedophiles It is a you know, it's a weird thing. I think about sometimes it is I uh, it's so weird because three percent of the popular like three percent of the comments on this video are from guys who are Pedophiles, it's way higher than that You think it's lower than three or higher?

Statistically, everybody, Joe Rogan's podcast, 3% of the people commenting are pedophiles. That is true. The economy has run off of pedophilia now. Yeah. Well, no, that's a real sad, is that 3% of all people are pedophiles. They're at least attracted to children

if they don't act on their urge, which is a peder-est? Peder-assed? No, just pederer-est is another word for a pedophile. But how many of those are like, they want to fuck a 17-year-old that's stacked? Is that like a pedophile too? Or is that just like a scumbag? Is that a Seinfeld situation? I never know the scumbag versus the kids. You have to be like a kid-kid. They have to be watching Blue's Clues.

I think in some states it's like 16 though. So like you can find it. Some states it is 16. But in some states 16, that's a kid. It's all, it's still a kid. Even 18 is like a little weird. What do you think it should be? I think it should be, I don't know, like 13.

No, I mean I think it should be, I think sex should be outlawed. Because it's just, it's ruining everybody and everything. Until you're like 50, sex is outlawed. It's just insane. It's just, everybody is apparently like running gigantic human trafficking rings Everybody we should we should ban it for at least like 10 years or something my whole life Trafficking was such a big word and now it's associated with like all almost every famous person is involved in

Trafficking yeah, did they change the rules of what trafficking is? in trafficking. Yeah. Did they change the rules of what trafficking is? Trafficking, to me, used to be like fucking literally like a Steven Soderbergh movie. Yeah, yeah. About a underworld. It used to be like Russian women on shipping crates

Literally. In the port of Houston. Women in crates. Yeah. And now it's like, I don't know, like you just like talked up a dumb bitch. And you're a human trafficker now. I don't know what it means anymore.

I do love the people who get trafficked who are American citizens. They get sex trafficked in America. You got trafficked from Houston to Dallas. Yeah, you're like, well now I'm in Cincinnati getting my pussy bust open. You get trafficked to the M&M's store? Yeah, across town.

Yeah, they ship me from East Boston to West Boston and they are tearing my pussy up I guess you could get traffic to cross a big house. Yeah, that's true from like the West Wing to the East Wing Yeah, a big mansion. Mm-hmm. Yes, sir. That's traffic than my book. Yeah, no, but it is crazy Yeah, like everybody your neighbors doing like sex trafficking now, you know And we we we go after all those people to distract from the fact that the people running the country are human traffickers and celebrities. You know the highest sex trafficking per capita

is Washington DC. Of course, of course. And we sold that show out real quick. Now we didn't, there's still tickets for it. There's still tickets available. For DC, Philly, Boston. Unless you're a pedophile sex trafficker. Because it's DC, but it's like, DC tickets available Unless you're a pedophile sex trafficker

It's like it's like dc is so funny like they're like they act like all sophisticated and shit and they're like a big city But like everyone lives in virginia. Yeah, you're just like city hillbillies And fuck them in the actual city. It's either joe biden or a guy smoking crack cocaine That's the entire city of dc or both. Or me. Or Hunter Biden. We got him. Yeah, come to those shows, livingparty.live, DC, Boston, Philly, New York, if they're not sold out. Dude, what if Hunter Biden came to the show? What if he was a fan?

I could see him being a fan of the show. That would kick ass. And he pulled his big cock out and we all fucked him. See, but the problem is, is everybody's like, I feel like perverts get lumped in with like human trafficking where like you look into a story they go like oh R. Kelly is a human trafficker and then like you read the article and you're like I think he just peed in a lady's mouth and like he made like ladies drink. There's a lot more came out. They were they were like 12 years old.

Well I kind of skimmed the article. Well that was the famous one. He peed on a kid. That was from like 2002. Yeah that was back when we were like, meh, this is you know. It's funny. That's what they do. That's hip hop, baby. That's hip hop. That's R&B. Yeah but then it came out he was keeping them like you know trapped in an air vent and his mansion for like years Yeah, then we all found out like he had like a job as like a crosswalk attendant like a school and he was just throwing Yeah, have you seen the clip of him doing that concert in Nigeria? I think by the way Ben. No, he's literally on He's on say have you seen this clip? He's on stage in Africa. Whoa He's on stage in Africa. Whoa Who is it this isn't coming call hold on this door dash just shutting down your account

You're gonna die in seven days interesting you called this number on a dead guy's phone This guy's been door dashing all day, no, I'm just kidding that was mom dad died Anyway we got to wrap this up we gotta wrap it up. She was crying a lot That sucks did they finally got what he wanted? Right before the eclipse to them. He got he got a he made a bunch of cows run him over He made himself a stampeded and like the Lion King sort of way where he fell off a cliff Yeah, he quartered himself with cows instead of horses dude I'd hate to get I I wouldn't mind getting trampled by a bunch of like horses like wild steeds Mm-hmm, but damn dude if I got trampled by like a bunch of pigs I couldn't

Astro world and you Trap the last thing here is Travis Scott using auto-tune as a bunch of fat chongas By people that have wings on their 98 Honda for getting trampled while people are spilling sprite on you as you get pounded in the dust. Oh fuck. Yeah, messing Katie. If she called to make sure everything's okay.

Yeah, what is going on? Your life is really. This is in my head, I need to, dude. It's like get off my ass. I gotta create, I gotta create another door, I gotta have two dash passes and charge it on a card she doesn't know about. Yeah.

Because I have a dash pass on this one and that's why we share it because then I save so much money on getting food delivered. Yeah. You got a lot, you got a long way to go. Now I need to get another dash pass. You're going to have to start. What you're going to do is you're

going to get a secret trash can she doesn't know about. You're going to keep it on the side of the house. I'm going to watch heavyweights like it's game tape. Yeah. I'm like, so you can put Jolly Ranchers in the bedpost. You're going to be taping Twizzlers to your body. Like it's Wolf of Wall Street. You're trying to get them to Zurich.

I have like a suicide vest of salami Like tape to my 18 sticks around you, you know, you're just eating off your body Patreon.com slash lemon party. Do you guys wanna go to McDonald's now? See there's also a Louisiana fried chicken over here. That's so good No, and it looks like the fried chicken that the whale eats. And it's awesome. I ate a bunch of tacos. I was at a barbecue. And they have the soda fountain machine

where it's kind of fucked up, where the Pepsi's slightly too sweet, but it kicks ass once the ice melts a little bit and cuts it. Yeah. They go, we do that just for Ben. Just for Ben. We turn a screw a little bit more than we should. Yeah. Turn a screw a little bit more than we should yeah

Patreon.com slash lemon party for the bonus episodes To do I'm trying to think live shows on the party dot life Devin at hate watch paw Jase's had drugs by Jase subscribe to the lemon party clips channel for live streams subscribe to us on Twitter for live streams, subscribe to us on Twitter. At Devon James Costa on everything, I think. Yeah, he gives a shit. Whatever. Yeah, who cares, they know who he is. Who the fuck gives a shit at this point? You know, you should.

Who cares about promotion? How about you follow Jesus Christ and you stop following us? How about you go read the great Gnostic texts and read the Christ's real message. It is funny. Of love and peace. You're supposed to like say who you are at the end of a podcast texts and read the Christ real message. It is funny. Love and peace. You're supposed to like say who you are at the end of a podcast because people are so retarded that those were people speaking.

What was that? I've got emails where people are like, I was in the video. I said the podcast and they go, what's your name? They go, is that one guy, your brother? They go, show yourself. And who's the other guy? Yeah. No, most of our fans are like odd tip like Alzheimer's grandpa's They like get sundowning me while watching

They're midway through an episode they go I listen to the podcast on YouTube. You guys should get video. Yeah We're reading comments under a Burt Kreischer tweet of people defending Burt's sucking ass, and I literally got the image of like, these people would be in a slaughterhouse complaining about the line not moving. They're like, what's he doing?

He's giving some young people the time of their fucking life. Yeah. Yeah, you guys hit on Burt Kreischer, but you're just jealous of how actually cool he is, and he can do something like that. Yeah. And everyone's like, huh, read in the comments below this. And I see that there's millions of people who are just playing haters.

Everyone's a hater. By the way, does anyone have a liver? I'll be dead in a week. Somebody needs to step up. Can somebody step up for me? Everybody hates on Bert, but honestly honestly he's just living his life he's living his life anyway I'm gonna go in this big shoe with a bunch of other cows and I'm gonna get a big bolt put in my head guy that lives in the a guy that

lives in the big shoe from that nursery rhyme yeah the old lady lives in he lives in a big Air Force one a guy who smells like a guy who has a day job as cattle he's getting killed in a skill farm factory farm He's like hey, what's up? I've been working as cattle for like two years They're gonna kill me today. I'm not gonna like I don't I don't even hate Burt right sure I think he's I think he's fine and like I've met him in person He's a he's a he's a nice guy right or whatever Yeah

I do get depressed every time I see a video of him walking on stage and there's like four million people or I'm like, that has to be like, there has to be like standards to this, right? My views of, yeah. That's the country. Yeah. That's the country. He like plays like a fucking arena.

Like the whole like stage shows up for these shows. It's insane. Yeah, it's like Dune. They're all just like, give us water, please! It's Baron Arconan, he's just in a vat of fun, just sucking his own tits. They're like, we son of all retard. Yeah, no, it's kind of like, I feel the same way

about George W. Bush, where I'm like, he seems like a cool guy, but he is responsible for evil on this earth, you know? It's the same for Burt. Burt's responsible for evil. I generally think Burt is an evil force on this earth, you know, same for Bert. Bert's responsible for evil. I generally think Bert is like an evil force on this planet. Why are you comparing him to a war criminal?

He's a war criminal. I think Bert is as bad as George W. Bush. Yeah. I think he's as bad as the war on terror. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. Shout out to Bert Kreischer.

Shout out, Bert. Shout out, Bert Kreischer. We're going on tour with Bert Kreischer. We're going to start doing stand. Anyway, we're going on tour with Burke. Chrysler. We're going to start doing stand up and we're going to open for him by we're going to wear big hats and on the hats. It says weed and we go out and we go, we go, how's it going to lead? Oh, who's out here? Who's drinking tonight? Yeah, guys, get Burk.

Chrysler's backstage. Let's scream real loud so he lets us know you excited. I'm here. God. Let him hear it, guys. Yeah! All right, everybody, we got a load of guns underneath these seats. Everybody pull out the load of gun. All right, murder, suicide, your family.

One, two, three. All right, yeah, you all missed. Turn the safety off. Come on, one more time. We put a lot of bullets on the guns. There's some spare clips, too. Keep trying to kill each other. I know your fingers are too fat to pull the trigger,

keep trying. Who's here drunk tonight? Who's here's kids are dying in the parking lot in their cars? Who here is on the most wanted list at CPS? Who here has a seeing eye dog because they're too fat to walk? They have to go for the school for the blind

because they're too fat. Who got so fat they're blind now? They got blabrum diabetes. Bunch of guys with milky white eyes and fucking blab room hats that have the California flag. You know what that is? Births fans are due to have the California flag on a flat brim.

Yes, those are his fans. They don't even live in calif. Guys run a Chevron extra mile and they see the hats and they go, Oh fuck. Yeah. And they buy like three of the hats. Yeah. And they take them home. He's awesome. Anyway, he rolls and we're opening for him now. Yeah. I'm just going to start telling people I'm doing standard by the way. And I'm going to name fake people I'm opening for. Oh yeah. Deb Johnson and

Willie O'Neill yeah blind lemon Jefferson Patricia Patricia Jefferson Dude, I did it. Did you guys know I was at the mothership the other night, and I did a chapelle brought me on stage Yeah, you open for miss fat Is making up comics He's making up comics. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you guys could make up new Kill Tony regulars that have a million followers and I wouldn't be surprised.

Yeah. If you guys were like, oh, you haven't seen Treehouse Johnson? He goes on stage and he blows one of his toes off with a gun. He's very famous now. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, we should get you some Louisiana fried chicken before you Well, I've only eight You tell me if this order is bad. Okay, two orders garlic naan one order butter chicken. Yeah, that's it. I see

Yeah, fuck, but I didn't eat until two intermittent fasting What I do is I eat in a eight- hour window, but I eat like 9,000 calories Yeah, it's the same your eight hour windows. It has a bunch of pies cooling on it Window system right eight windows in my home pies cooling Yeah, there's an eight hour window where there's a big pie and then I float to it on the smell of it Then I eat I have eight grandmas in my house baking pies. It's the eight window intermittent fasting.

I cracked myself up with that one. That's a good one. That's a good one. So you had Indian food at 2 p.m. today? Yeah, and that gave me a pep in my step, because it's spicy. Yeah, that's a Celsius for you. It's a full bowl Indian.

I'm the guy like by myself. I'm doing like the hot, the really hot, hot wings challenge at 1 p.m. Like on my lunch break. I'm like, all right, let's do 12 atomic. If we do in five minutes. If you and I'm not kidding, if you can't get this binge eating under control, I'm going to get on a massive amount of steroids. I'm going to spend 60,000 a year to hire a guy to get me in really good shape and I'm gonna flip-flop on you

I'm gonna be a real dick about it. I'll be real mean about it You know what I'll do then I'll grow a beard and I'll just gaslight people and they're thinking you're me and I'm you How about that yeah, that'd be pretty good Yeah, you're gonna become a problem Not if I put Nick if I put nicotine in this it's game over for both Of you really yeah, I'll be like on another level. I'll be all nootropic out I'm gonna look like if I put nicotine in this in two weeks. I'll look like Andrew Huberman I'll walk around like Bowser at the end of Super Mario 64

You're gonna be spraying you're gonna be spraying Nick salt on pie and eating it That's what's gonna have a big article comes about how you're cheating on restaurants You're seeing six waiters at once I'm cheating on seven diets at once But anyway, that's the episode head over to the patreon if you want more patreon.com slash lemon party And we'll see you guys next week Out in the west Texas town of El Paso, music would play and Polina would whirl. Blacker than night were the eyes of Polina, wicked and evil while casting a spell. My love was deep for this Mexican maid, I was in love but in vain I could tell. One night a while young Calmore came in, Wild as the West Texas wind.