Lifeline - 128. Die Regular
Episode Date: September 22, 2024Live show Dec 5 in Oxnard! Tickets here! LIFELINE ✨LUXURY✨ is available at patreon.com/lifelineluxury. Extra episodes every month, no advice, all for $5. Also has a full live show. 🤳 Want to s...ubmit to Lifeline? Go here: forms.gle/EYbqjvyy1A9r728Y9 ☎️ You can also call the hotline at 213-973-8095 🎧 Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: apple.co/3NG2G2G 🔊 Subscribe on Spotify: spoti.fi/3NPUwoT 🔗 All our links: linktr.ee/watchlifeline TODAY, we talk about unfollowing vs. muting on socials, frontin about tattoos and if that's a big deal, a possibly mistaken wedding invitation, on what temp what you set your thermostat, Diet Coke vs Coke Zero, and a heartwarming question about reconnecting with a blood relative. 💚 Lifeline is the first podcast about you, hosted by Matt D'Elia & Chris D'Elia. 📆 Book 20 or 40 min one-on-one sessions with Matt at mattdelia.com. More LIFELINE: Instagram: instagram.com/watchlifeline Tiktok: tiktok.com/@watchlifeline Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Okay, let's start baby.
Lexington, Kentucky.
I'm going to be in Lexington, Kentucky in Birmingham, Alabama and Montgomery, Alabama
and Mobile, Alabama and Toronto.
Go to chrislea.com and I don't say this, but let's get it Bismarck, North Dakota chrislea.com and I don't say this, but skid it Bismarck, North Dakota, chrislea.com,
Oxnard, California.
We have our Lifeline live show,
which will be on our Patreon.
If you wanna sign up for our Patreon,
patreon.com slash Lifeline luxury.
Skid it and I don't even say that,
but also there's new merch.
The yes got another that one merch,
which is at lifelinemerch.com.
Go over and get it and
wear it to the Oxnard show. Happy birthday Andrea Bocelli. It's obviously
doesn't know who he is. Who me? No yes I do he's that blind singer. Nice dude you're
Rizzed out for getting that right. Look at my eyes. Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, Dordi, D joke was rizzed out, dude. That was baste. Wow.
That was so baste, dude.
DC principal on vacation with a hat.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Dude, your hat.
What do we got?
Lay it on me.
Your hat, sunglasses, hair, shirt is crazy.
Hat, pimpin' pimpin'.
Glasses, booyah booyah, and booyah.
What was the other thing?
Shirt? Hair and shirt. Shirt? And hair is? An alien. A meerkat. An absolute meerkat.
That's a cool thing to say. I mean. Well, that's what I'm wearing and what are
you gonna do about it? I ask you now here and now to your face, what are you going to do about it?
Malcolm X.
Dude, the Lifeline Live is December 5th.
Tickets are in description and you can go, it's in Oxnard, California.
Fly there.
Fly to Oxnard.
You know, the Lifeline Live was so great and I'm'm so happy to do another one, and I can't wait.
Yeah, me too, man.
It was, you know what you said to me right after?
I think so, what?
I don't know the exact words,
but it was something like you were so surprised
at how good I was.
Yes.
And it made me feel good,
but then for the rest of my life thus far,
it made me feel bad,
because you expected me to be shitty.
Come on, dude.
How's that feel?
No, first of all, don't swear two minutes into the episode,
but second of all
No, that's that's not something that you can do. You're not even that's a problem. You have not even something. I actually thought
No, it actually the reason I remember is because it made me feel good and that's it. That's it. Great bottom line feel good felt good, dude
So you have contacts in right now? I do remember the okay, the last episode was the first day in years and years because of my migraine
and I needed sunglasses on.
And ever since then, I totally forgot about this, but I had like a mountain of contacts
from years ago that I never used.
Just in a drawer.
And now, oh, I lost my prescription sunglasses.
So I have to, if I want sunglasses, I have my prescription sunglasses.
So I have to, if I want sunglasses, I have to work on those.
And that's why I know that I gave you those sunglasses
last time and you said you'd bring them back this time.
Oh, you have them?
Let's see here, do I have them?
I think, ha ha, yes I do.
Okay, cool, well then I didn't bring sunglasses in here,
because I was like, he said he'd bring them.
He's my brother.
He doesn't lie to me.
I'm a man of my word.
He didn't.
I'm a man of my word.
PC principal on vacation.
So.
I love Oakleys, but more than I love Oakleys, I love me in Oakleys.
What do we think?
What a great non boring thing to say.
And talk amongst yourselves about it.
No, but you know what I will say this
Okay, okay. This is kind of I took a picture of myself in Oakley's and posted them a
Week ago. Oh, okay, and and now you're like I'm getting Oakley's and and you have Oakley's
Let me see the pic. No, it's a story probably no
Making it up making so yeah, and it happened.
Trust me.
And it was in Toronto.
But nobody saw me.
But what I don't think happened is I don't think you saw the picture
and think, I need to get Oakleys.
Of course not.
Right.
Well, no, not of course not.
I mean, that happens.
Well, I would have said that by now if I was like,
I'm wearing Oakleys because I saw you.
You looked so good.
And maybe I want to buy them.
That's a weird coincidence.
I did not buy these.
These were in my house and I actually just put them on
because- Who put those in your house?
I had a baseball player over the other night.
No.
Todd Zeele just came over?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Dude, Darren Dalton was over?
Dude, I wish.
Oh, RIP dude.
Oh, he died?
You know he passed?
I don't know. John Croc was over?
Lenny Dexter was over?
All the Phillies.
I was gonna say Lenny Dexter.
That's weird.
Just saying Phillies.
Um.
Yeah, anyway.
All right, well, so that's cool.
So what you were saying, you don't think that.
No, I don't think you saw it and then decided to do it.
Right, but you do think what?
But it's a very weird coincidence.
Oh, that's what you're saying, yeah.
And what also is a weird coincidence
is I would always say that I wanted a dangly earring.
Well, we've fought about this already.
We've what?
We have fought about this.
Fought about it?
Early days of the podcast before I got it.
Early days, mate.
We were talking about it.
What did we fight about?
Getting it.
Who's going to get it?
Right, right, right.
Getting it first.
Right, right, right.
But I talked about it on the congratulations
well before that, which is weird.
Honestly, I talked about it on the day
you were going to drop your first episode
of congratulations. I said it out loud and everybody heard me.
I talked about it in Dad's balls before I was born.
Did you really?
I go like this.
What was the thing we were talking about?
I'm going to get a dangly earring.
Oh yeah. Dude, what's great is that these lights make my eyes cloudy.
Great.
Oakleys, dude.
Gotta put on the Oakleys.
I don't know, man.
It's weird. I get it.
My eyes do some weird things sometimes.
I get it.
I'm getting older, I guess.
Yeah, well, we all are.
Ha ha ha.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's all good, so.
You're getting older.
I'm getting younger.
By the second, I'm literally de-aging.
It's fine.
Oh, like that guy who's like, don't die,
that whole thing who's going on, don't die.
It's so annoying, that guy.
What is that?
He's like 50, but he's like, my biological age is 42,
because of the way I take care of myself,
or whatever it is.
Oh, it's Brian Green, not, yeah, yeah. Not Brian Green.
The hacker guy?
Yeah.
What's his name?
And then he's like, he posted a thing the other day where he was like, it said don't
die and he's like, everyone's laughing now, but it's going to be the main thing that everyone's
concerned with soon.
And I'm like, no, dude, all the time everyone's talking about how they don't want to die.
Yeah, what do you mean soon?
Like that's-
Nobody's laughing at you for that reason.
They're laughing at you because you look like a mannequin you're laughing at you because you look like a vein in in human form
You look like a living walking breathing big vein. He's like tinted blue dude
Just die regular. You're not like sad you are die
Regular the the the the ninth installment of the Bruce Willis franchise.
He's 80.
He just it's it's him in the in the in the hospital.
Hello, Miss. What's the McLean McLean.
So I am the fucking son of the guy who you killed 900 years ago.
Worse script.
Worse ad living.
Remember, they did that, though?
They would do that.
They'd be like, I am his son.
Yeah, yeah.
Jeremy Irons was Alan Rickman's cousin, I think.
You have 30 seconds, he'd say.
Oh my god.
And I would say that all the time.
We used to say it all the time.
So much to the point that dad said,
if you ever won an award in his speech, he would say,
now, Chris and Matt, go to bed.
You have 30 seconds.
Yeah, I mean, we're 40 now, you know?
Too bad he never won.
Shit!
Well, he did go accept the award once for Robin Williams.
Called being a big time loser.
Yeah, he did.
Dude, we should get in that on luxury.
That shit was sick, dude.
OK, well, watch that on luxury.
My dad was on the thing.
All right, cool.
What award?
Emmys, right?
It was when Robin Williams?
When Christine Lottie won an Emmy, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. For Chicago Hope?
Yeah.
Christine Lottie starved my very first wet dream.
Just give it up for Christine.
So like not like.
No, just triggered the worst memory of all time.
Oh yeah, yeah.
I forgot what I asked.
Oh!
Can we all talk about why we're all being
such space cadets today?
Yeah, we are.
Me all morning, you forgot what you were gonna say earlier.
You forgot what you asked.
But you did something a woman would do.
We look over and Anthony's just like, what?
He's fucking dead.
Literally drooling on his chair.
He's like this.
You did something a woman would do, explain it.
Dr. Phil.
An episode that never aired.
Explain it.
What? Now what? You did something a woman would do, explain it. What do you talk? I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you good thing. So what'd you do? I got
lost. I was coming here and no I didn't just get lost. Powerful women get lost
though. Getting lost is not what I did. Dude, it's not just men that get
lost, women can get lost too. Powerful women? Yeah, powerful women with short
hair. Okay now do you want to know the answer? That wear blazers. What I did? Oh yeah. I, on my way here, like an idiot,
because I've been to space-
Women are idiots.
Since I woke up, man, I started driving
a route I commonly drive, just like this one,
but the wrong route.
I was just going to a different place
that I often go to.
And I didn't realize until I was just about
to get on the freeway, which is the wrong freeway.
So I had to do, you know.
And you're telling me a woman wouldn't do that?
I mean, I guess a woman would do that,
but also, so would a man.
Women can do anything a man can do.
So a woman can also, that could happen also.
Cause so I don't want to be sexist about it.
A woman can also get lost.
Honestly, what if you answered a question like that
on the stand in a courtroom?
Like that much tripping up and having to go back.
I'm not tripping up, I'm saying women for sure
are able to get lost just like men
and they're able to go do the wrong route just like men.
In fact, they might even do it better than men.
The most roundabout way to insult an entire class of people.
I'm tired of just the inequality, dude.
I think that women are the same as men
and I also think that they have cocks.
Vote for me.
All right, well, that's an interesting take.
You're talking about men, but all good.
All right, let's do, let's start the show.
Hey Matt and Chris, I have a question about social media.
Her lips haven't touched yet.
I don't know if you all are aware of the mute button,
but it's basically where you can make it
so you don't see anything anybody posts.
But you're still like their followers,
so they don't know that you're not seeing what they post.
They never touch. I am trigger happy with the mute button
Yeah, if they're most of the time it's like people who I'm comparing my life to theirs too much
I just I mute it right away, and then I never think about it again
And it's a really great way for me to protect my peace, but lately I have been wondering if it's actually
weakening my mindset
I have been wondering if it's actually weakening my mindset because I'm just shielding myself from things that make me uncomfortable so I'm not growing as much as I could.
So my question is, is it growing as a person to not see that shit or is it growing as a
person to expose yourself or is social media bullshit and this is kind of just like a fake
problem. That's a great question. I think that's I think that's a cool let me know what you think
also I would love some more sweatpants I missed the congratulations sweatpants
even though I know they were out forever but think some lifeline sweatpants would
be cool okay just an idea okay bye we got the merch you can get the yes got
it of that one t-shirt and hoodie I I go to thelifethemmerch.com, but I think that's a great question.
Cause I actually thought about this a bit.
Me too, probably before you.
And it's a coincidence that I thought about it
and then she's bringing it up.
I'm not saying she copied,
but women copy too because they're equal as men.
You know?
I think,
I wish somebody, if somebody was gonna, I will say this,
if somebody is gonna mute me,
I wish they would just unfollow me.
And why is this?
Because I don't need that.
Like just unfollow me if you don't wanna see my stuff.
But, okay, but why do you care?
It's all the same to you in that no one is ever
gonna let you know about it.
You'll never think about this person anyway, no matter what.
I think it's all doesn't matter to me.
But like when I I muted when I like I muted, I muted some people in like 2022,
2021, when I realized that they like were just like they were my friends.
And then they were just like once 2020 happened and all my fake bullshit came out
but they were like, oh, they just stopped liking
my photos and stuff and they would appear on my feed
and I just be like, I don't wanna see this person
cause it hurts me, it reminds me of that
and it reminds me that they're fair weathered
and so I just muted them
cause I didn't wanna unfollow them cause I didn't want to unfollow them because
they didn't make it a whole thing yeah yeah that's what the mute button is for
yeah which is wanna unfollow someone but you don't want to make it a whole thing
especially when that kind of person is the kind of person that would check if
you're the kind of person who checks if someone still follows you I'm not saying
if you happen to find out this happens you go to someone's page and then you
realize wait they don't even follow me anymore or like you go to comment on the story
And you can't and you're like wait, of course, and then you're just like bing bong and you realize it
No, but like I think that the mute button is in my mind specifically for people you want to unfollow
But don't want to deal with the potential fallout of them
Looking and then finding out and then that annoying conversation
that is inevitably coming.
What I wonder is,
oh, she's talking about something a little different
than what we're talking about.
She is, yeah.
But she's saying, is it,
I think that social media is kind of just bullshit,
so it doesn't really matter.
That was the number three option that she gave us.
Yeah, I think it just doesn't really matter.
Like, you're muting people that you're're following you don't need to be following them anyway
so who cares if it helps you not feel insecure about yourself or your mental
health or whatever then just mute them. Okay, totally. I don't think you should
feel like oh well it makes me uncomfortable maybe that's a good thing
maybe I should let happen dude it's all you should curate these social media
things as much as possible to enhance your life not don't like add things that are that make you uncomfortable
On purpose. Yeah life is uncomfortable enough. You don't need the aid of fucking Twitter
Okay
Right. Great. Okay, but I get it and it's a good question. Yeah her mouth didn't close until halfway through
She's I don't even say I don't agree. I was looking at the moment you said it,
I saw it happen right away.
If you slowed it down and really zoomed in,
you would see her mouth did not close
even when she said M words until halfway through.
Okay.
Don't agree, but okay.
Somebody's gotta be wrong.
Hey guys, long time listener.
I'm a true baby.
And hopefully this is the first submission
to Lifeline from India, I think. Oh nice nice. But yeah this is the best podcast. Let's
move on. Hell yeah. Thank you very much. You know lately a lot of, a lot, I've gotten
a lot of Indian love. That's great. I, but I don't know what it is. Where? In person?
No, in online. Like comments. Obviously not in person? No in online like comments.
Obviously not in person.
No at my house at my house dude when they come up ding dong.
Hello. Hi. I love you.
Bye.
Is obvious but maybe that shows.
I mean you know what what just looking at everybody's everyone's Indian.
Curry. Everyone's Indian. Curry?
Ah!
So, the worst joke.
The worst joke and the worst joke.
Yeah, the worst joke about the thing.
So, no, the, yeah, so I wonder what that is all about.
I mean, I wonder what's up with India just all of a sudden.
Who knows, man, maybe your shit went viral.
It's not just me though, it's also like our stuff,
like YouTube, the YouTube.
Now I'm listening, now I'm listening, me too.
Anyway, so thank you, what's up, appreciate you
and appreciate you listening and watching the show, bro.
Doesn't wanna hear his question.
Let's do it.
I wanna talk about tattoos, I have a few tattoos on me,
you know, and usually when a stranger, an acquaintance or something comes and asks me do it. I want to talk about tattoos. I have a few tattoos on me, you know, and usually when a stranger, an acquaintance or something
comes and asks me about it, I'm an open book.
So I love talking about it.
I love talking about their tattoos
or maybe why they want to get one.
It's a great conversation.
Sure, yeah.
But there's few people who come and ask you about it.
And then, you know, you take a few minutes to talk about
what this tattoo means to you.
And then they just go with, ah, cool.
Well, you know, they just make a joke or something like,
my tattoos are not your small talk, right?
Like that makes me blood red mad.
And yeah, what do you do in these situations?
How do you respond to these people?
And also, would you get a tattoo that doesn't specifically
have to mean something to you?
Like just something you think is funny or ridiculous
or just cool?
You can. All right, thanks guys.
I haven't yet but I would I guess.
Absolutely to the latter.
It's just all that matters is if it's something that you think truly believe
you will like having on your body for the rest of your life.
I mean you don't even need to do that but.
You don't need to but that is the only like real to me like stipulation going into getting
a tattoo like could I see myself with this for the rest of my life?
Yeah, well if you take the time to answer somebody's question, you're respecting their
question and respecting them. And if they say ah cool, you say no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no. Listen listen listen. You asked me a question.
I respected the question, which means I respected you
for this moment in time.
I gave you a well-thought out answer, okay?
Now, what you're going to do is
tell me how you feel about that.
And then wait, ah, cool?
No, that is very disrespectful,
especially since I've been so respectful to you.
It's just the whole thing about people.
I mean, I get it, but it's a real problem when people just feel like they have to say
something.
Then they say something in the form usually of a question, get you to answer it, and then
it's revealed that they didn't give a shit all along.
They were just uncomfortable, needed to say something, and now you had to put in all the effort and thought.
You did a bunch of heavy lifting.
And then you have to realize,
oh, this person doesn't actually give a fuck.
It's like making a cake.
It's like being, especially for me, dude,
what I do for a living, I talk.
So somebody is gonna ask me something
and I give them the, that's like if I'm a chef
and I bake somebody a cake because they ask me to and they go, thanks,
and don't eat it.
For free, obviously.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. No, thanks.
And they don't eat it and it gets stale
and it just stays in their kitchen.
Taking it so long, taking it so far.
And then I'm like, hello, I called them once.
I'm like, did you eat it?
And they're like, no, I didn't.
But like, yeah, no, that's what it is.
Yeah, it's really, really, I think, disrespectful is the
right word. What's annoying is that they don't even think, they're just like almost in a mini panic
when they ask. Right. Like I gotta say something. A lot of people do that. A lot of people do that.
It's actually, sometimes it's hard not to do that, honestly. It is, but honestly, let's do this everybody.
Just stay quiet. No one's awkward. no one's offended, it's fine.
You know, I was thinking about that earlier yesterday.
Did I not text you guys this?
What?
I was next to a guy that was just yapping.
Okay.
Dude, yapping to somebody else.
Okay.
And loud.
Did I not text you about this?
I don't think so.
In Lifeline?
Dude. I don't think so.
He was just yapping about shit.
And you know what?
To no one?
No, to a woman.
Okay.
And I was listening and it was,
and I was like,
I can't believe he's saying all this stuff loudly.
And then I started thinking about myself
and about how I'm here also,
and I'm next to him and I'm not talking
and then I'm like and guess what last time I saw this guy who's doing the same thing
picking up uh school oh kids from school so he's somebody's dad you know and I'm just like he's
just yapping dude and too loud and I'm like oh you did mention the too loud thing. I did, didn't I? Something like that, yeah. Yeah, and I'm like, dude, who you doing this for?
Because the woman was like, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
And she'd pepper in some shit.
Poor woman, dude.
What?
Poor woman.
I know.
And it's, but, or maybe she liked it.
I don't even know.
I don't have a clue.
But like, she was peppering in some talking
and like, dude, hey, dude, like relax, you know,
to pick up your kid after school
and be the guy who's just gonna run amok with conversation.
You like, how annoying is, oh no, dude, here comes the guy.
When I was a kid, I used to play baseball
and I remember there was always one parent on,
the parent of like a player of my team,
that every other parent would be like, oh no.
Yeah, I mean that's his part for the course.
Even I was aware, it's like an eight year old.
It's like one piece of shit, like Mrs. Ballard,
you know what I mean?
It's just like, oh no, Mrs. Ballard dude.
She watches the show, for sure.
It's her favorite. Her son's son might do it then we might get in a die-hard situation
Di-regular. Yeah
Wait, dude, I thought of something cool for luxury. Okay
That clip that you sent
All right, fuck it. All right, go three extra minutes anyway. Yeah, all right
Just robbed a bank hey guys, what's up in search in their comment, so I'm listening to show
I've been driving back from a gig
Why is no one got problems anymore? Where are the problems?
Used to be back in the beginning the show there was like a guy
My wife's like stealing my house and kicking me out of my family now it's
like I'm a photographer I didn't get tagged in the Facebook or hey guys what's
your favorite color I mean I'm on problems I mean my biggest problem is
that there are no more problems on the show. You know, I don't, I don't.
I had never had that thought.
Is that true? I believe it.
I just had never had that thought.
Yeah. Yeah, there's, there's different stuff now, but like.
Maybe the world's a better place than it was.
We fit, well, honestly, we're fixing it.
Our audience base, at least.
Yeah, we're making everyone's lives better.
We've been doing this show long enough.
Nobody has any problems anymore,
because they're listening to what we have to say.
There you go.
I think people like the,
honestly, what I think people like the best
about our show is the banter, Banta's sick in it.
And,
Yeah, people,
And so they're asking questions
that will lead to Banta is sick in it.
Yeah, they're putting the ball on the tee,
so we can smash it up.
They're not being like, oh, my mom died.
What do I do?
Because then we won't be like, well, you know,
and joke about that.
We're going to be serious about it because her mom died,
and that's sad.
But we would make it funny.
Of course.
Because we can make anything funny.
It's fucking honestly, death can be hilarious if you really
think about it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So they love the band.
It's sick, isn't it?
And so they want us to do that.
And I get that.
And if you really, really want that,
go to Lifeline Luxury,
because that's all we do.
We don't take submissions.
But I will say that guy did look like he was in a band
and he was obviously in a band and that's great.
But he's in a band like in Minnesota or Wisconsin.
No, no, no, he's for sure European.
That guy's European?
Yeah.
No, he was Australian.
Whatever it is.
While we're all so different.
I think he's Indian, honestly honestly because he was on my show and
All right next
Yeah
Hello Chris and Matt I have a question is he far at work there are two
Co workers that are getting married
Now a joke I'm quite new at this workplace
And I have been invited to both weddings robot I don't know these people a robot mostly we
moke we will work work remote and I don't see them or talk to them or know
them okay have a remote wedding and one of them sent me an invite.
You got a wedding on Zoom. With the wrong name. It's a different name. It's not my name. Oh. She was like,
okay, she got the wrong name. You get it. Yeah, she got the wrong one. And I did not answer. And they
called me from like the wedding ceremony ceremony, crew planners.
If I'm going to come and I just said no and that's it.
Should I also write politely to the co-worker?
Send me the invite? Or should I just say nothing and continue with my life. Robot. Cheers.
Bro, if you want everyone to think you're the biggest fucking dick in the world,
then don't do anything, I guess.
Yeah.
No.
Hey.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
No.
No.
That's crazy.
No, I think what he did was there's an option yes or no.
So he replied no.
He said the planner reached back out.
No, no, no, no, no, that would be fine.
Oh, okay. He said he got that invite. Yeah. Name was wrong. So he didn't. He said the planner reached back out. No, no, no, no, no, that would be fine. OK.
He said he got that invite.
Name was wrong.
So he didn't respond at all.
Then the wedding planner reached out and said,
is that what he said?
Yes, right?
Yeah.
And then he said no, period, the end.
Unreal.
But in that, hear me out.
Yeah.
And I don't know where he's from.
In that country, that might be the most polite thing
you can do, you know?
It might be, but let me tell you,
you're from Dixville, if you do that in America.
Yeah, but I'm just saying.
Anywhere in the West.
You know, different customs, sometimes you're like,
what the fuck, dude, has anybody put their finger
in their anus and put it under your nose yet?
And you're like, no.
And you're like, oh, they hate you.
But in what?
Like, what? In what fucking world? Oh, we love you. We love you. We love you.
You know, wiping just so disgusting. Paraphrasing for the story. I know that's true. That is true.
You should say you should say why it's weird if they do. They got his name wrong. You know what?
Actually, let me just go ahead and say since I know this because I've been married.
Dude, they got his name wrong. You know what?
Actually, let me just go ahead and say,
since I know this, because I've been married,
that might be not the person's fault.
That might be the wedding planner's fault.
You're sweet.
You're saying it might be the wedding planner's fault only.
Yes.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, I guess that's possible.
In which case that doesn't,
but it's still weird if you barely know him
and you just work acquaintances
and he's usually on Zoom or whatever he said like remotely.
And they got your name wrong?
Yeah.
Also I wanna know was it like Thomas instead of Tomas
or was it like Gene instead of?
Was it Alpha 15?
Right, yeah, exactly.
Because you're really Johnny Mnemonic or was it?
Yeah.
Was it not your name or your name misspelled?
I mean, I would have liked to know.
I would just reach out and be like,
yo, I can't make it because you invited the wrong person.
Ooh, and then never touch it again.
I would say I can't make it, sorry about that.
But it's too fucking late for that.
Well, no, it's not.
Why?
You did the dick thing.
No, no, no, but he told the wedding planner.
Uh-huh, so you're saying what?
He could reach out to the person.
He could reach out to the person
and just be like, yo, I don't know if your wedding planner
told you or whatever, but I just wanted to explain,
like I can't make it, you know.
I don't think that's, I think that it's not too late.
And then I hope what they say is,
but you got the invite, right?
Why didn't you respond?
So then he could say the thing about the name
and then they could have a big fight.
You know?
It opens the window to a potentially big fight
and I would immensely enjoy that.
Okay.
You know?
Okay.
We'll do another one?
Okay.
Chillin'.
Guys, quick question.
Why is it always so hot in there?
Oh, oh, and here once every
couple episodes you guys comment on how frank and hot it is in the studio and
even on graduations Chris you comment on how hot it is in that studio as well
where are you and why doesn't it have adequate air conditioning does but we turn it off
Follow-up question people don't know that what do you set your house?
Thermostat to I'm a big 66 to 68 guy. Are you a fucking snowman? I know are
76 just which I would just be sweating my 70 for to 70 Frank and that's a little too warm, but that's great
Not for me. I love it. Let me know
Dude, I don't man Sam
Videographer comes with these videographer. Oh, yeah. Yeah he
What he likes it really cold I'll go in his room is an obscene thing and I'm like Sam
Yeah, dude, you ordered a pizza. We ordered a pizza. We were in some Is it really cold? I'll go in his room. That is an obscene thing to do. And I'm like, Sam.
Yeah.
Dude, he ordered a pizza.
We ordered a pizza.
We were in some Peterborough, Ontario, I think.
We ordered a pizza because that's all you could get.
And dude, he was like, you want to come here to your room
or you want to go?
I said, do you have two beds or do you got one bed?
I said, I have one bed.
He says, I got two beds.
I was like, all right, let's do it here.
I went in and it was,
I have one bed. He says, I got two beds. I was like, all right, let's do it. You're right. I went in and it was,
it was so cold.
Now I go, you got to turn that air off. That's great. That is crazy.
He's in shorts and a sleeveless shirt.
Some people actually made different. And I say, yo, I'm built different.
You know me, I'm built different though. You like, you're, you're an orchid.
You want to be in a fucking hot house.
Different dude.
Is that what you're saying?
Sam's like skinny as hell.
I know.
That's what I'm saying.
He's just built different.
So then he turns off the air and then opens the window
and it's not warm outside.
And I'm like, bro, it's cold still.
And he's like, I was trying to get the air out.
And I'm like, you're trying to trick me, bro.
I don't understand people who are
cold
Who are not cold? I'm I am always cold and when I come here we do yes
Oh, yeah, you just preferred it like an orchid likes it. I didn't know no, I'm cold really. Yeah
Kristen I all the time. We're like, come on, dude
I'm like Kristen Kristen all the time. She's like it's it's it's too warm. I'm like, no. like, come on, dude. I'm like, Kristen what? Kristen all the time, she's like, it's too warm.
I'm like, no.
Yeah, dude, honestly though, I've
considered not going to your house before,
because I know how hot I'm going to be.
I know.
I hate being hot.
This is my issue.
I don't like AC.
Not me.
But more than how much I don't like having the AC on,
I cannot stand.
I'm such a fucking baby when it comes to being hot. Give it to me. But more than how much I don't like having the AC on, I cannot stand. I'm such a fucking baby when it comes to being hot.
Give it to me.
Give me that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that Gucci stuff.
And the bunker me.
And the bullshit me.
Well, I didn't do the swear because.
I know, but I'm the X-rated version.
All right.
Wait, wait, wait.
What was the first?
What I love is how the last guy was like,
where are the problems?
And this guy's like, what do you set your temp at?
Yeah, really.
But wait, what was the first part of his,
I forget exactly what the first part of his two-parter was.
Second was why is it hot in here?
Because when you record it, it's often hot.
If you really want to know the answers,
because the building is old, the ceilings are really high,
and it wasn't built originally with an air conditioning unit
because it was built before air conditioning was a thing.
What do you mean?
Fuck off!
We have air conditioning though.
It's just too loud to run.
That has nothing to do with it.
After the fact, it's not part of the building.
So it's too loud because of that?
No, it's not.
Oh, well we would always turn the AC off
because it makes a sound.
Yeah.
Let me tell you a little Hollywood insider thing.
Every movie scene they shoot.
This is what I was saying.
You're just.
What is your fucking problem, man?
I'm explaining a part of what you said.
I'm extending it.
Why do you have to think like ownership?
I can't add to it?
No, you can add to it, but then why are you like, I was what I was saying?
Because I said that and then you started saying something else.
Like it was that.
Which is what I was originally saying.
But when you came in like a fucking Mack truck, I was just going to say what you said because
that's the topic.
Because you came in like a fucking Mack truck.
Out of 10, how mad are you?
Like five or six?
It's too high.
It's too high.
If you did that to me, I would only be at a two.
But you always do that.
You're always saying, that's what I'm saying.
That's what I was saying.
It's like, that's what conversation is.
People add onto the things that other people say.
But I'm not, but I'm not, you know how mad I am?
Zero.
No, I know that, yeah.
So why are you six?
I don't want you to be six.
Child psychologist, a child psychologist.
I don't want you to be six.
Why am I six?
It's bullshit that you're six, I'll say.
I started thinking, damn,
are we gonna have to cut this out?
No. No, we'll never do that.
That's very him.
Yeah, it is.
Get out of here, bro.
It was fleeting, but that's... I was looking at your face and you were,
it was too high of how mad you were.
Yeah, but I mean,
it's an honest assessment of five or six.
I mean, you guys have seen me really mad.
It wasn't like close to that.
Oh, whoa, yeah.
No, you get pretty fucking mad.
And then I feel bad for 17 days after.
Okay, well look.
I think I should be good.
You're fine, but I said it's because we're recording
and we have to turn the air off.
Then you said, yeah, this building is old,
this ceiling is high, they didn't put air into the,
that is not the reason why it's hot in here.
That's one of the reasons.
When we record.
I know, no, but no, I mean, this building,
it runs hot basically is what I'm saying.
Okay. In general. Okay. When it's hot the heat is just like collects inside here. Well when he asked about the
congrats, then he said congratulations it's always hot. It's because we're recording.
That's really why. And then if we weren't recording we could turn the air on.
Right. Yes, of course. So then you went back and said, oh it's actually because of...
You reminded me of... Go ahead. You say it's actually because of... Let me tell you
a Hollywood secret. I already said that. You said Hollywood secret? Well I
didn't say Hollywood secret but I... This is about a Hollywood secret. Well why didn't
you say Chris let you in on a Hollywood secret then? Because... Instead you get to
six.
Because why would I say, what do you mean you're policing just the word in which I say words?
I'm just saying, out of 10, what are you right now?
A three or four?
I'm zero.
All right, well that's good.
It's good I'm going down.
It's good you remained at zero.
Everybody's good.
0.5 maybe.
I get it, the truth comes out.
Hollywood Secret, every movie you ever see
that takes place indoors, the AC at that location
or on that set is off, okay?
Thank you very much.
Elvis.
Because it makes even the slightest sound,
it will fuck up sound, okay?
Hollywood insider shit, now you know.
Ha ha ha ha!
You know?
They're dog shit, the office dog shit.
We had to cut, because the office dog shit.
Is it, and-
It could have been Anthony, but we think it's the dog.
Those kinds of reasons are the only reasons
we will cut not, if we ever get into a fight,
you will see it all uncut.
Okay, that's fine.
Do you agree that you shouldn't have gotten to six? Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I feel bad. Yeah, you know you feel bad
Yeah, why do you feel bad?
Didn't expect you to agree with me
Alright
Abra Chris and Matt huge fan of the show
Chris have been a fan since day one. I was actually on episode four of Congratulations.
I made you that shirt that says Sucks and Alkaline.
Wow.
My name's Eric O'Neill.
You totally roasted me on stage.
It was great.
Oh, you did?
But anyways, something crazy happened to me yesterday.
My biological sister reached out to me
because she just turned 18.
And through the adoption
agency they found me. I'm 29 and so she's there's a huge age gap there and she was
raised by a Hispanic family and she's white like me. So she speaks Spanish,
she has a Spanish accent, but she's like really desperate for a connection and
not desperate, but like she really wants that and
Things are not so good in her life right now. So I feel all this responsibility to like be her big brother and to like
Protect her, you know and all that stuff, but yeah, I just you know talk to her for the first time yesterday. So
Yeah, I just you know talked to her for the first time yesterday, so
Um I guess how would you guys go about gaining a sibling or night? That's what?
What would you do? Well? You know it's a
Crazy thing, but I'm sorry I feel super blessed
But at the same time you know how do you guys think I should go about it like how forward should I should I be? How much should I protect her mind from all the?
Crazy stuff that our mom put us through and stuff. So anyways, that's my question. I love you guys so much
I keep doing what you're doing Chris. You saved my life multiple times
and
Matt you're just the coolest dude. So rock on
So, rock out. Yeah, we both did it at the same time.
I feel you, bro.
Two men, man.
Thank you.
Spaniard siblings.
That's crazy, man.
That's truly wild.
I'm trying to imagine, you know how sometimes
you can like put yourself in this situation
and like actually kind of feel how it is,
even though you don't know truly,
you can still have feelings about it?
Like you can just think about something
or you can be like, all right, what would it be like?
And then you kind of start to feel things.
Yeah, I don't think I could possibly do with this,
but I do know what you're talking about.
Well, you can't do it to the level of what it is ever,
but you can do it a little bit, no?
Like imagine-
This is so crazy sounding to me.
Really?
It's hard to, yeah.
Like imagine yourself sitting at a diner waiting for
your half brother
and it's dad or mom's, you know, half of them.
And you're like, wow, this is gonna happen.
And then you see them and then you're with them.
I can feel what that might feel like a little bit.
Can you?
Yeah, but what I can't feel is not knowing I had a sister
and then suddenly some girl calls me and says,
hey, I just turned 18.
I can.
A little bit, not to the level.
Yeah, I don't know.
You can't do that.
That's so crazy, though.
Must be why I'm such a good actor.
Maybe, yeah.
That's the reason.
Now when people ask you, you can answer with this.
Show them this clip.
That's wild. I mean, how do you even answer with this. Show him this clip. That's wild.
I mean, how do you even answer that question?
I mean, I would just say follow your heart
but proceed with caution.
Like don't, don't, don't block her in any way
and don't like not let her in,
in particular or specifically.
But I think that you gotta just be careful
totally opening up your heart and life and everything
to this person you actually don't know.
Yeah, that's true, you don't know her.
Of course she's your sister and you wanna
have a good relationship with her
and a deep relationship and a meaningful relationship.
You wanna tell her things that she might not know
or maybe you don't wanna tell her certain things,
but let it come to you and again, I think,
follow your instinct,
which is to have that relationship,
but really do try to do it slowly.
If for no other reason than to give yourself
the opportunities to see maybe something bad is coming
at you and if you were moving fast into it,
you wouldn't be able to see that.
Sadiqebert. I think though, you're right.
That's good that you said you don't know at all.
You don't know at all.
Yeah, you'd be getting scammed.
Who knows?
What if it's not even fucking his sister?
That would mean that would be crazy.
But I'm sure he's taken some kind of step to-
That's on you, honestly.
If that happened to me, and then I found out later
that it wasn't even my brother or sister, I go like this.
I fell victim to the game.
Yeah.
I mean, that would be the craziest scam though.
What would she be trying to get?
I mean, I don't know, just time with hanging out with me is really cool.
Just wants a buddy.
What?
You used me to be a buddy?
That should be kind of flattering, you know?
But yeah, it's tough, dude.
I mean, I guess kind of congratulations,
that's pretty cool.
Like it's cool to just out of the blue,
have a sibling that you might get along with
and have share some kind of something with.
That's not common.
No.
What do you think about-
You seem like a really sweet guy though.
Yeah, you really do.
So I think you probably wanna move fast,
get to know her really well, let her in, open your heart,
and that's cool that you want all those things,
but you know.
You know what's funny?
Guard your heart while opening your heart.
Being so, yeah.
What?
Being such an 80s song.
I remember saving his life.
I ran into a burning building and I brought him out.
Hey, what do you think people mean when they say
you saved my life multiple times?
Because we've had about a handful of people say that to you.
75, 80.
What do you think they mean?
150.
You know?
200.
They mean they were in such a low place
and listening to the podcast or my standup, whatever,
pulled them out of it.
Okay, got it.
Good answer.
Succinct, the very succinct answer.
People's lives fucking suck, man, you know?
Well, I got friends in low places.
But I know what that's like, you know?
Like when you are in such a deep hole,
and then you find something like fucking,
it doesn't even need to be something great.
Like it could just be something that pulls you, like a...
That grabs your hand.
It could be a guilty pleasure. Like it could be, you know.
Like for me, I would watch Love Island when I was in The Dark Place and it just like made
me feel better. And that's for idiots.
Yeah. God, yeah. That show. You tried to show me once.
Yeah.
I was trying to be nice. That gonna be nice that like this is just season was
Awesome, it was lit. Yeah, it was litty. Do you go to me?
Alright well man
Start it over start it over Is that a hack? Is that a hack? There, dude. This is lame. Wow.
Andrew from Planetary.
Start it over, start it over, start it over.
So far, I think we've talked to this guy before.
Second of all, the first second, let's see how he walks his back, because the first second
of the video, I want to punch him in the face.
It's crazy how much I want to punch him in the face.
It is weird to have a punchable face and to do what he did in the first two seconds.
Let's see if he walks it back and let's see if I start to feel bad about wanting to punch him in
the face. Now wait before you do that what I would like in my fantasy is I'm
left handed you're right handed with his face is here. We both simultaneously
punch him so his face cracks and smushes and he's got nowhere to go on either
side so the impact fucks his face up even more. Wow. Okay what if he goes like
this though and we go and our meet, and we become more powerful.
This is the most epic fist bump.
Either way, it's a win-win.
OK.
What's up, man?
Chris?
It's your boy, Andrew from Portland, Oregon.
You already know what it is.
It was on episode 56.
You guys helped me out with that volcano situation.
That was right.
Super funny episode if you haven't seen it.
Go check it out anyways.
It's OK.
Six months later, I got married. Six months later after that I had one of these.
Aww. Very nice. Very tight. Being a girl that is awesome but it seems like every time me and my
wife go to eat something or go to record her doing something cute she starts crying. Really?
Awesome. Not awesome. Chris just wanted to know
did your kids do this or is it just my little sweetness over here uh yeah love
you guys Matt be sexy Chris you already know you're funny so get out of here love
you guys I mean I don't want to punch him in the face anymore I want to take
a baseball bat no he's just doing his thing he's just being hammer hammer his skull. No, no, no. That's really looking.
Look at what it pause like Gallagher with the watermelon.
Now he's obviously a really sweet guy. I know that's not what you're not saying.
He's not. Of course he's sweet. Yeah. What he's doing. Look at,
look at what the pauses. Look at his pause right there. I'm looking,
it's amazing.
So now he's fucking he's, he's, he's good. Okay. So
So, no, he's good. Okay, so,
my,
Kristen does this thing, man, all the time.
So she never has her phone, right?
I always have my phone.
And it's always in my pocket or something, you know?
I'll be doing something with the kid, kids, one of them,
and it's cute, and then she'll go, give me
your phone, I want to record it. And I always give her my phone to record it, but I know
that once I disrupt what's happening and move, give the phone, the moment is over, and the
kid never does the thing again and she can't record it.
It's happened so many times, I haven't even brought it up with her yet and I'm going to.
But I'm like, just let the moment live.
Or have your fucking phone.
At that point, you gotta let the moment live because you should know that by the time you ask,
open up the phone, frame it up, the moment's gonna be fucking gone.
So don't bother even asking in that moment.
Here's even worse, this is even worse, this is even worse.
If something cute's happening, I'm with her
and she's like, get your phone out, start recording.
That's actually even worse because then I'm like,
I don't want to.
Oh yeah.
And she makes me do it
and then by the time I get it out, it's done.
So I don't think that that's, I mean, the crying thing,
I don't know, I mean, babies just cry,
but man, for me, they just stop doing the thing.
And it drives me nuts,
because why can't we just live in it?
But that's a different thing.
That's a different thing, what he's saying.
You know, I don't know if, I don't know.
See, it's hot.
Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do.
Dude, I wouldn't hit that.
Okay.
Well, that's good to know.
Did you move it out of the way
because you thought maybe I'd hit it?
Yeah.
Or were you just giving him more room?
Both, what's the difference?
There's a difference.
I'm sorry, explain the difference.
If you thought I was gonna hit it. I didn't think you were gonna hit it. So you were just giving him more room. I thought it's difference. I'm sorry, if you thought I was gonna hit it.
I didn't think you were gonna hit it.
So you were just giving him more room.
I thought it's possible.
So why not give him more room?
So see how they're linked?
So you moved it because you thought
you would give me more room.
Not because you thought I would.
This is such a fucking crystal, you think?
Because it was possible you'd hit it.
You don't need more room in general.
But you didn't think I was gonna hit it.
No, I wasn't like, he's gonna hit that.
Okay.
I'm being fucking courteous. I know, thank you, but it's different. It's different than you thinking I'm gonna hit it. No, I wasn't like, he's gonna hit that. Okay. I'm being fucking courteous.
I know, thank you, but it's different.
It's different than you thinking I'm gonna hit it.
I'm not clumsy.
Oh, I know what this reminds me of.
What?
You know how much you hate it
when somebody puts a drink down next to your drink?
That's like, in the same cup.
Yeah, like they're trying to do the old switcheroo.
I hate that.
No, it's fine, no, but that's fine. It's different.
If it's the same cup or if you had the same peri, I can.
It's like, dude, like come on, bro, that drives me.
It's like, dude, what are you doing, dude?
The switch, I always say doing the switcheroo, huh?
And I love that.
The switcheroo.
Dude, people don't really think about the right things.
Oh, that I could not agree with more.
And I know I have my own.
You think about the right things the least amount
is what's interesting is that you say that.
That's really rude.
Ha ha ha.
I think that they're just, come on guys.
I mean, having the hardest time staying up upright you know the way you just did that with that shirt around your neck
looking down. They just make noises they're babies dude they're gonna be
annoying you know. Yeah yeah also the baby will that baby looks so young it's
gonna be in another phase before you even know it. Okay.
Yo, what up, Chris and Matt, I got a question that you may or
may not be able to help me with that I figured I would just ask
it anyway. A lot of people are into this like whole diet coke
thing. Like I see a ton of people who just like, are like
the cult of Thai coke. But what I can't understand is I don't drink a whole lot of soda
I don't drink regular sodas, but on the occasion that I do drink a soda
I'll go for the zero version or whatever that soda is. So instead of coke or coke diet coke, I drink coke syrup
Yeah
and
instead of Dr. Pepper or diet Dr. Pepper I drink, Dr. Pepper Zero because the flavor is just
Incidentally better than the diet version and it's the same kind of deal with zero calories, zero sugar, all that jazz.
So what do you say to the people of the
Coke
cult to get them to stop drinking that nasty can of chemical water and drink a
really good can of chemical water.
Yeah, so.
Diet Coke is truly awful to me.
It's crazy bad.
It's truly awful to me.
It doesn't taste like Coke.
Coke Zero is awful.
What I don't get is people only drink Diet Coke.
They love Diet Coke. It is like its own thing.
And I think maybe it's the kind of thing
where if you don't like grow up on it
or get addicted to it,
you just are gonna fucking hate it.
I mean, dude, it's the worst tasting soda.
I'm thinking about it now.
Coke is amazing.
And it's truly astounding how terrible Diet Coke tastes.
I agree.
And Coke Zero though, by the way.
But no, Coke Zero does not taste as bad as Diet Coke.
Not even close.
Yeah, you're right.
But it is bad.
But it's worse and demonstrably worse.
It just is worse, there's no doubt about it.
But it's not close to as bad as Diet Coke.
But Coke is amazing.
Coke is too good.
I haven't had a Coke in years.
Whoa, really?
Yeah, years, three years.
I had one the other day because I was nauseous.
Yeah.
I didn't drink the whole thing.
I drank half of it.
You can't drink a whole Coke once you, Hulk Hogan,
you can't drink a whole Coke if you go for a long period of time.
Oh, really?
Dude.
Why, the sugar?
I mean, that, yes, but also just the taste is overbearing
Oh, right. Right. Right tastes so sweet. You know, I drank some it, you know, it was really good for nausea. But uh, anyway
It was so good
It sucks that it's so good, you know, yeah, cuz it's so so bad for you
It really is so so bad for you. She's gonna fit one more in sure
about for you. Should we try to fit one more in? Sure.
Hey, Van Chris, big fan of the podcast. Thanks for everything you guys do. My question is about when you meet a stranger on acquaintance, do you
actively try to make them laugh? And if so, how do you go about doing it?
Because I know myself, I think I'm pretty funny, but I really like wordplay. I like
doing bits. Most people are specular Jones, they won't humor me and it's really hard to make something out
of nothing so how do you go about making humor especially with someone that you
don't know that well I'm finding lately that I tend to rely on things that are
easy to complain about that we might be able to identify or bond with but I don't
want to be a Debbie Downer so how do I make it fun how do I make some laughs I
think any help would be great thanks I. I think you just gotta be funny, bro.
How can you answer that?
Yeah, maybe you're just...
You gotta just take what's in front of you?
What the last person said?
Maybe you're just not that funny.
I don't know, maybe he is funny, but I'm just saying like...
He says he is, I mean not like he's bragging, but he says he's good at that stuff.
There could possibly be the fact that... You know, it's weird, it's like everybody thinks's bragging, but I know. He says he's like good at that stuff. There could possibly be the fact that,
you know, it's weird.
It's like everybody thinks they're funny,
but a few people are funny to the majority, you know?
And like maybe, I mean, I would love to see an example
of this guy just being like, what if it was just-
What I wouldn't give to get him on camera.
That would be a great example to have.
Just meeting a new person.
So the weather, that's crazy.
What is this, London?
What if he's hilarious?
Oh dude, and nobody's laughing?
Well that would be nuts.
That'd be like you have to move, you have to get out of wherever you are.
It's unsafe for you. Yeah.
I don't, I think when you're trying, it's tough.
Unless you're a professional,
like I can compartmentalize and be like,
okay, that'd be funny right now, and then do it.
But that's because that's my whole life, you know?
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But if I'm just gonna have a conversation with somebody
and I am like, if you're a normal
person right and you're just going to be talking to someone and you try to be funny and they
sniff that you're going to try and be funny, it's not funny.
It's like when a guy's trying to be sexy, it's like, oh, you lost it.
You dried the ASAP up.
Whoa.
I did a radio version.
Oh, nice. You dried it up. Yeah. Dude, you dried the Aesop up. Whoa, whoa. I did a radio version. Oh, nice.
You dried it up.
Dude, how about people who just...
Even though I can do it,
I can be sexy and wanna try and be sexy
and then be sexy and then get everyone so fucking wet.
It's unbelievable.
Oh, nice.
This is good.
What is up with people who think
the funny person in their group or the funny or a funny person period yeah I mean there's comedians like that dude that
where I'm just like they only go up on stage and they only bomb and it's been
15 years and why aren't they not giving up? Really? Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.
Yes, dude.
But what, okay, so I'm not gonna ask for names obviously.
No, yeah.
But like, what is their life like?
Cause they're obviously not like booking bigger things,
right, if they're not good, they're not good.
Nobody thinks they're good, so what's going on?
In their...
They can figure out some semblance of promotion
or to be frank, it's a lot easier for women
if they're not funny, because if they're pretty,
guys will be creeps and just go see them anyway.
Okay.
But yeah, it's one of those usually,
or you're well connected, I guess.
I mean, look, nobody's getting Netflix specials in bombing,
but I'm just saying these people who are just,
I could name names,
nobody would know who they are,
but they've been doing it for 15 years.
I see them, they only bomb,
and sometimes they're on shows with me, they'll bomb,
and then I'll go up and I'll be like,
that should be your answer right there.
You just saw it, it's not the crowd. Right. Right. Or you know, not even just me, anyone,
whoever goes up and it's just like, yeah, it just it happens, but it's really, it's
really weird. I don't know. I guess people are delusional, but with sense of
humor it's just like, I don't know, it's such a specific thing and tailored to
each people that each person that maybe it's just, nah, they didn't get it get it it's easier I mean I've seen it with so many people dude all
right see what specific people bomb years and years and you're oh yeah yeah
they bombed for years they never kill uh-huh they never do well dude what
that does to their minds that they think they kill. And you talked to me, they're like, oh, it's great crowd.
Oh, wow. And you're like, oh.
Yeah, I know, I'll show you how good.
Wow.
Absolutely losing it.
What's happening? What was each one?
An explosion from far away and radioactive waves got you.
But the-
Oh, I was way off when I was thinking.
What did you think?
I thought you were like doing some parachuting out of somewhere.
I was so off.
Anyway, sorry.
Sorry to have been wrong. Look, look, look word. Killed everyone.
And then the people who bomb are just like, it's a great crowd.
And you're like, yeah, when you're in the audience.
Surfer.
I mean, dude, it's just weird bro.
I don't get it, I don't get it.
Damn bro. And I don't like it.
And it's one of those weird subjective art forms where,
well art, but subjective things where.
Well that's kind of what I wanted to say.
It's not, okay, stand up to me is like the most clearly
and it's impossible to not be like a merit meritocracy situation like
either yeah you're that you're making people laugh or you are not and if you
are making people laugh you will move up the ladder yeah and if you are not you
won't it's the clearest it's like almost arguably no it is it's clearer than
sports even no it is almost impossible.
Well, no, because there's a winner and a loser for sports.
All I'm saying is audience is laughing
or audience is not laughing.
Yeah, but there's levels of laughter.
There's like, yo, you think you did well.
Sometimes I'm like, oh, I did well.
And then I see somebody go on
and they do better or something.
And I'm like, oh, okay, actually I did good.
But that was, maybe he's either where you are in the lineup
or they're not jiving with you 100%, whatever it is.
It never really happens to me, but you know,
it's the same.
No, I'm saying sometimes it does, yeah.
It has happened, maybe. Depends it does. Yeah, it's it has happened. Maybe.
Depends on who you ask.
Haters.
So, all right.
Well, there you go.
I'll be in Toronto.
I'll be in a bunch of different places.
Go to crystallia.com.
I have a lot of dates in Alabama and have a good time.
Get a new merch.
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