Lifeline - 42. Dookie Howser
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Transcript
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Lifeline is an advice show for entertainment purposes only.
If you need real help or advice, please seek a therapist or a licensed professional. okay dude so let's talk about it man because first of all let's talk about baby let's talk
about you and me let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be let's talk
about let's talk about.
Let's talk about.
Okay, and I don't do duets, so you're welcome for that, but that was free.
I am going to get yatted up because that's the thing. When I see myself in a smaller shirt because I wear big shit, right,
because I'm in the trends, but when you see this,
I'm going to get yatted right here, and the shit's going to come down, and it's going to look absolutely ridiculous.
I'm going to have to hand out towels.
I'm going to look yadded.
I'm going to be yadded up, right?
And then I'm also, you know what I'm also going to do?
Get a fucking cityscape like this right here.
Cityscape?
Cityscape, yep.
Get a fucking cityscape.
I already got the 40.
I got the elevator and the triceratops, and I'm going to get yadded right here.
I'm probably just going to get like a street sign or something. don't know what i'm gonna get but it's gonna be insane
what cityscape you're gonna get well i have to pick i don't know send in your submissions comment
what cityscape should i get right there send you get uh get uh boulder colorado right i don't know
about that that would be you know but i should be like one of those annoying guys that get the
silhouettes of the trees on his fucking arms.
You know what I mean?
They get the trees on their arms.
And that's like the new barbed wire tattoo.
Trees?
Yeah, they get like silhouettes of a forest.
Boo.
You know, I don't know.
I'm just saying.
You know what I think of when I think of Boulder, Colorado?
Mm-hmm.
I think of over-the-shoulder boulder holders.
Remember that?
We used to call bras
No
The bra
The bra
The brassieres
Don't swear
First five minutes of this
The brassieres
You already did by the way
I know I did
So we gotta bleep that out
But then I thought about it
Over the shoulder
Boulder holders
You know what that is?
Yeah I get it
They're bras
It's a bra
Brassier
Okay
Yeah
But what I'm saying is
We had a little bit of a tiff
Before we started
Because I was talking about How you said you wanted to get the loop earrings.
Oh, yeah.
No, no, no.
Dangly.
Well, you said loop earrings.
No.
Okay.
Well, I didn't mean to say loop earrings.
I'm getting the dangly cross.
Let's talk about what exactly happened, though.
Because what exactly happened was.
I don't really remember honestly.
You said, I'm going to get some loop earrings.
I said, well, you know what?
You know I'm going to get the dangly cross.
And you said, I said that first.
I did.
And I said it way back when in congratulations.
I don't care what show you said it on. I said it in Dad's Balls. I said it. We've got to bleep that first. I did. And I said it way back when in Congratulations. I don't care what show you said it on.
I said it in Dad's Balls.
I said it in Grandpa Bam's Balls.
Okay, we've got to bleep that out.
You can't say balls?
Well, you can if you're talking about a bunch of balls, like soccer balls.
All I have in this world is balls.
Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls.
Balls, balls, balls was on a weekend.
So look, dude.
The Barry Bonds, baby, baby.
And George Michael.
Those two are my ear idols.
I should...
Dude, I should be the one getting the dangly earring, by the way.
And I'll tell you why.
Look at my ear idol, dude.
So big, dude.
Jesus Christ could be on it.
You got to put the photo here.
By the way, dude, you've been putting the photos way too late on the Lifeline episodes, man.
We're talking about it, and then you put the photo too late.
It's got to be when we say the thing and you flash the image.
So we're not going to fire Anthony, but we need to fucking make sure that that's what
he does, dude.
I would fire him.
I'll fire him.
No, we like the way he does, the work he does.
He's got a promising life ahead of him.
You know what I mean?
I agree, but I would fire him just like that.
You could fit Jesus Christ on the hook.
I need to get a fucking huge cross earring.
That thing looks mad.
When I'm walking, it's like this, pulling my ear, dragging and-
Major back problems.
Yeah, and Jesus christ is on it
or somebody that looks like just get a guy like me who looks like jesus yeah
no take the weight take way too much time it'd be very uncomfortable and then when people say
what the hell is that i say well stop sinning and i won't have to do this stuff um but so i think
that i'm gonna get yatted up i'm gonna get the dangly
earring i'll tell you why i should get the dangly earring and that you okay we can both get it i'm
getting it but what i'm saying and you don't care if i get it too i don't care about anything in the
whole world besides wow the dangly ear okay but what i'm saying is imagine me on stage doing my
comedy rocking it bam talk like this and it's swinging bam bam bam and it's swinging
i'm yatted up i get a dangly earring with the cityscape and everyone's like so this guy is
somebody that i want to be like this guy is somebody that i see and i go i gotta buy a
ticket for this guy's show because of how mysterious yatted up with a dangly earring
i think you would look bad with a dangly earring i think i would look good you don't look good with
like bullshit good stuff on you
that's why you look good in that stupid shirt because that's a bad shirt i have okay well it
says new jersey so that's sacrilege i mean we're from new jersey i don't i don't bow down to the
gods of new jersey all right that's fine but you're gonna say i look bad with stuff on he's
got the wimble no he's got the gold band he's got it with he's got the braces for focus anytime
there's like a bracelet for focus you look bad in it you know i'm saying You look bad with cool stuff. He's got the bracelet for focus. Anytime there's like a cool hat, you look bad in it.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I look bad with a hat.
I don't look bad with a dangly earring and the Wimbledon and the gold and then the bracelet
for focus.
Why are you saying Wimbledon?
That's what the Rolex is.
Oh, really?
It's the Wimbledon Rolex.
Is it green?
It's got green in it.
Oh, yeah.
All right. But yeah. So anyway, I got the bracelet on for focus oh okay christy gave it to me boring part of the whole thing you said so why are you repeating that
she was like this is for focus put it around you when it breaks off that's when the true focus
kicks in so i gotta be focused but then when it breaks because it'll break eventually it's been
so fucking long i wanted to it's annoying honestly but i'm focused for now what
happens when it breaks that's when the focus really kicks into overdrive i mean you hope
what if it's gone you don't think about it anymore uh you know what i'll be focused on
where was my bracelet where's my dangly earring um so yeah dude um anyway uh i'm gonna be in
let's see well what's sunday uh was is it jacksonville lakeland somewhere
in florida go to chrislea.com what's the sunday one um because it'll be tonight do you know uh
and then i'm gonna be in next week i'm gonna be in sugarland texas and san antonio texas and then
in a few weeks i'll be in rhode island new jersey i'm sorry new york not new jersey rhode island
new york and then um fuck yeah
Jacksonville dude that's where I'll be Sunday night I believe unless it's Saturday what's the
28th that's Saturday oh fuck so you missed it dude I'm gonna be in San Antonio Sugarland New Orleans
Providence Rhode Island New York New York Chicago Illinois Kansas City Springfield Tulsa Oklahoma
go get tickets just at chrisalia.com. And we're having a good time, dude.
Having a good time.
Having a good time.
What's up?
You want advice?
You want one-on-one advice?
You want nobody to know about what's going on in your life
except one person who gives you advice on the matter?
Mattaleah.com for your troubles.
Okay.
Well, that's good.
And if you want to do do a uh question which we
love your questions we love your videos watch lifeline.com uh and you can get the lifeline
merch and get that spin movement mentality adopt the spin movement mentality promote the spin
movement mentality let people know you're bad about it when it comes to the spin movement
mentality at lifelinemerch.com thank you very much and we got new merches coming soon we got
new merches coming soon and we're look we're sorry, but we have to pay some bills, right? We have to pay some bills by saying all that stuff.
So leave a comment and let us know if me or Matt should get the dangly earring or if we should both get the dangly earring.
First of all, if you do that, everyone is going to say I should get it.
So everyone always says that you're like the better singer and all that stuff.
I want you to understand something.
That's a joke.
They're doing that to be ironic.
No.
Because you can't do shit like this. No, nobody likes the Joshban thing that you do that wasn't even josh groban but you
do a josh groban thing i do do that but i also go i put a sign up right in the front window
advertisement right in the front window and all of a sudden success coming out of the blue
and that's not josh groban at the end josh josh my ball no remember that we're gonna have to bleep
that out no we don't we can say balls you can say soccer balls grow my soccer balls you can say um so yeah so that's from mush nick and son
with little shop of horrors okay loser um dude i wanted when i was in high school i wanted the
fucking role of the dentist so badly i know when you didn't get it i felt bad i didn't get it
trenton reynolds got it that's bullshit trenton reynolds was good though but no he wasn't he was an actor he was going places
he you know he doesn't even fucking act anymore he's a mormon neither do i but he does yeah no
he is a mormon and he's a great guy he's one of my friends and he's a great artist by the way
what kind of art well not singing dude but like he just painting and shit and he's really good
he's really he's really good okay like you look at his stuff and you're like wow that's really
interesting it's not just good it's interesting okay okay so but when it comes to not be your day hand test fitting
braces that would be my shit that is by far the best part in the whole yeah show for people that
don't know what we're talking about little shop of horrors the dentist role is the in the movie
it's steve martin yep who's hilarious yeah that's the best part of the movie as well. Yeah. And generally in the Broadway show, it is like the scenes, the show stealing thing.
And it's also, you only have like two numbers and shit that you got to do.
And you get to be like super like kind of like Elvis if you want to be, but also have
your own style on it.
Look, if I did it.
It's kind of like a rockabilly vibe.
Yes.
Dude, if I was in it, I'd shut the shit down.
Not be your day.
Hint is fitting braces. Getting castrated in the very beginning dude
somewhere somewhere and i know i know that my mama still loves me and a success oh yeah yeah yeah dude and the success dude um i tried out for that i didn't
get it i was a freshman and it sucks and trenton just got it because he was a junior it's fine
like a harbor no i don't know i saw it and i was sad that you didn't get it then i saw
trenton do it i was like actually he's better than my brother would have been. You've been holding that in for 25 years.
I didn't know that.
I didn't want to say it to hurt your feelings.
I wanted your confidence to be high enough.
But it's true.
Trenton's better.
Remember when you got so mad at me when I said Charlie Plowman said I was a real shooter
and I was going places in the NBA and you got mad because you said you wanted to be
a basketball player and you said, why would you tell me that story when you know I want
to be a basketball player?
That's got to be fucking horseshit. Oh, no way you tell me that story when you know i want to be a basketball player that's gotta be fucking horseshit oh no way dude no absolutely
i felt so bad you were like why would you say that you know i want to be in the nba and in my mind
i'm just thinking you're not going to the fucking nba dude you really thought that yeah dude also i
was brother also because i was better at basketball than you and i was 11 you were better for your if
you try to play with the try to play with the 14 year old you wouldn't be sorry for the big boys yeah no dude i used to play with
the big boys remember new jersey all the big kids used to call me little man you think you're a
better athlete than me and you know what i mean it's fine you pitch and you're a good pitcher but
dude when it comes to like actually ass kicking and trying to like you know if you needed a getaway
driver it would be me but well you're better at martial arts okay because you've done
them that's why why do they do that can you explain for people that aren't gonna release
the ki what is what well because it lets the energy out and it makes your fucking strike
stronger earlier what's ki a ki is what that is yeah oh oh that's it like just regularly yeah okay say ki it seems like a waste of energy no
it's it's it's what you need it's what you need it's the power you need okay but imagine me doing
it when i'm yatted up that would be crazy right and how much would the shit dangle
dude no you can't get into fights with that shit on your ear they just rip it right out and win
the fight right but if i keep them at a distance with my ki power but i'm a peaceful man i never get into fights that's
why i should get the dangly earrings anyway dude what i'm trying to say is um i should have gotten
the part in a little shop of horrors and i would have been i would have killed it you don't know
and that's not fair you didn't see me in the full get up trenton got the full get up if i had the
full get up and the hair i would have blew trenton out of the water and the song that bangs in that
is the suddenly seymour is standing beside you it means there's no worries
wow the sweet understand and that song sucks ass what dude. What? Dude?
Yeah.
That's bullshit.
The good one is Feed me, Seymour
No, the good one is
Feed me all night long
It's good, but that's just like fucking
The Dark Horse one is the
Suddenly Seymour
Standing beside me
That shit sucks, dude.
That's like such a fucking show tune.
That sucks, dude. There's no worries Josh Groban! that shit sucks dude that's like such a like a fucking show tune that's wow it's nice dude i don't remember all the lyrics but anyway dude i used to listen to that
while i drove it's good it's all good shabop little shopper oops i mean more that's the chorus part but i was doing it
remember hang on i just got a text stop singing at your neighbor all right so uh let's go to the
first one actually we don't do this at my house so i, I know. We don't do it at your house, but I was making a joke, dude. Everyone was just... All right.
Hey, Chris and Matt.
I have a friend who thinks I'm their minion, and I tried to back away slowly.
I'm trying to get through this really quickly.
But she was a little bit more psychotic than I originally thought, so I didn't want to
rock the boat by
just you know doing anything harsh she asked me to go get her belly button pierced with her while
she's five months pregnant I told her no then she asked me to ask a friend from high school um if I
about her body that she had surgery done too and I did said no to that too because she can do that
herself obviously that's weird neither one of us talked to this girl um she got mad and she deleted me on
her own which is fine but i have confided in her about my current relationship in the past and i
wonder um if i need to approach people with what she might do with that information tell them you
know be on the lookout that's not you know whatever she might say to you you know it's not me or should i just like brush it off consider these people smart enough to know the difference
thanks 100 the latter you definitely don't want to preempt yeah some you don't want to preempt
to sane people because some crazy person might tell them things that are obviously crazy like yeah everyone knows how to filter out
a crazy person it's fine you're fine you're you're you're good don't don't do that you'll create a
problem out of nothing yeah um and then uh also so she was saying so sorry help me out the minion
thing this other person thought she was their minion the friend thought the caller in that girl that
woman was her minion and a minion is just somebody that does everything for that does their bidding
okay and and so now she's like i don't want her to be in my life because she's being crazy she
were you listening i was yeah i was listening literally to every word she denied the her
friend's request to like do stuff for her that she didn't want to do.
Yes.
And then she deleted her as a friend on social media.
Right.
And now she's worried that from things that she used to share with her, that she's just
going to start spreading the news about it.
Start spreading the news.
And I know she doesn't want to rock the boat.
Sit down, you're rocking.
Sit down, sit down, sit down, you're rocking rock the boat Sit down, you're rocking Sit down, sit down Sit down, you're rocking the boat
Sit down, you're rocking the boat
That made me sweaty
Well, I think it made me
But it's amazing how much can be musical
It made me feel bad when you did it
That's why it made me sweaty
Do you know that?
Do you know the sit down, you're rocking the boat thing?
The song?
Yeah, it's from Guys and Dolls
Yeah
Okay, man Okay The sit down, you rock the boat thing. The song? Yeah, it's from Guys and Dolls. Yeah.
Okay, man.
Okay.
You were in that.
I was, dude.
Who were you again?
Everyone that nobody wanted to be, dude.
I was seven characters.
All right.
Sit down, you rock it.
Sit down, sit down.
Sit down, you rock the boat.
Sit down, you rock it.
Sit down, you rock the boat.
Sit down, you're rocking the boat.
Or you go, the boat. It depends on what fucking part you want. You can also not do it at all. That's the best part. If you're not in it. Or you can go, the boat.
It depends on what fucking part you want. You can also not do it at all.
That's the best part.
If you're not in it.
That's the best way to do it.
You can mouth it.
So, all right.
Yeah, you don't preemptively do anything.
Don't, don't, don't.
Look, I like the idea.
I almost never preempt anything.
I like the-
Just for the record.
I like the idea of bombing first, but I don't think it actually helps situations.
You like the idea of what?
Bombing first.
Like battleship?
Hey guys, this person's crazy.
Boom.
It doesn't work.
It's not worth it.
It's just forget it.
She's crazy.
She's gone.
Be happy.
Yep.
Good riddance.
Yep.
There you go.
Okay.
Next.
Hi, Chris and Matt.
I am currently listening to the Unauthorized Sound podcast episode.
Nice.
And somebody called in about um not liking how
people don't say bye on the phone oh yeah and it made me think of how annoyed i get when people
brush their teeth in movies and tv and then they just spit and they never rinse their mouth and
it drives me crazy and i wonder if anybody else notices it. And like, what's the deal with that?
They don't do that?
They don't do that.
But here's the thing, and I think I said this last time, and I understand and I agree, if
people are going to try to represent reality, then they should do things that people really
do.
But, hey everybody, let's remember, movies are not real.
Yeah, right.
So we can take the shortcut and we can take artistic license.
We don't rinse our mouths out. We don't say real. Yeah, right. So we can take the shortcut and we can take artistic license. We don't rinse our mouths out.
We don't say bye.
It's okay.
That is true, except for not everybody's making a David Lynch movie.
A lot of times the people are going to be doing, do you know what I mean?
Right.
But it's, you know, what does bother me is when people are like, all right, well, what's
the number to that place?
It's 555 and then like the movie phone number thing.
That's 555.
So what would they do instead?
Say other numbers.
But then people will be calling that number later.
But there are other area codes that don't exist.
Why don't they do that?
Not every possible combination of three numbers is an area code.
I'll text it to you.
Bye.
Do that.
Or that.
You know what it is?
I'll text it to you so I don't have to say the 555 thing.
Yeah, that would be better. think that uh i don't so she's talking about people brush their teeth with toothpaste well yeah and they're and they spit and then they're just done brushing their
teeth yeah they spit and they rinse their toothbrush and put it back and then they don't
they don't do the that happens in movies yeah yeah whoa i've never seen that yeah you probably
have you just have right right i
didn't register it that's awful here's the thing too most movies i would say most movies try to
emulate this sort of realness that's why it's annoying i agree but they shouldn't my problem
is that movies try to emulate reality yes and movies that try to emulate reality let me tell
you something none of them have been remotely realistic no of course not so don't even try make movies that are absurd or like real life which is absurd you it's a win
win for me if people actually did the right thing yeah yeah i agree lose lose because people are
like make it real right make a real winter's bone oh it's so real it's so gritty yeah nobody ever
acted like that in the history of the fucking world well yeah winter's bone was took place a
while ago that That's just...
Okay, okay.
Jennifer Lawrence,
first breakout movie,
and she got nominated,
and she won, actually.
Okay, relax.
She didn't win for that.
She didn't win?
No, no.
Oh, I thought she won.
Did she win?
No.
No, Dale Dickey won,
her co-star.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
It was John Hawks.
Did John Hawks win, too?
Whatever.
Anyway, so, I mean,
so cocky what you're doing.
What?
John Dickey.
What, Eva?
David Painter. Yeah, but anyway,. What are you doing? Whatever. Don't think he... Whatever. David Painter.
Yeah, but anyway,
Jennifer Lawrence is a phenomenal actress.
I don't know if you know that.
Okay.
But she is,
and she was on my show once,
and she said,
good job.
So it's all good.
Okay.
Yeah, dude.
That is all good.
Remember when she was dating our friend?
Oh my God, yes.
And he was working on winter's bone
he was shooting is that where they met yes really dude and he was like oh man he was like i don't
know man i'm dating this girl she's she's like the lead of this movie it's called winter's bone man
and he was working on winter's yeah and he was like i don't know she's like my girlfriend man
i don't know everyone's saying like she's doing real everyone's saying she's so good man dude
she is such a good actress, man.
Yeah, he would get really mad.
I think she's going to get nominated for an Oscar.
Yeah, he would get really mad when she would like go to Hollywood parties.
Oh, he would?
We were like, she's 19.
I don't remember that.
Yeah, one time he was complaining about how like she was hanging out with Colin Farrell.
And I was like, she's 19, dude.
And Colin Farrell was just like, gorgeous.
Ah, you're gorgeous.
Ah, you're fucking gorgeous.
You're just fucking gorgeous. You know? And he was like, ah you're gorgeous ah you're fucking fucking gorgeous fuck you're fucking
gorgeous you know and he was like oh man ah you're fucking gorgeous ah you're gorgeous and he was at
home like oh man all right uh yeah dude um so anyway about your question um the i never seen
that happen but maybe maybe matt maybe matt saw it I have seen it happen, and I agree that that is distracting and stupid.
I have a hangnail.
Nobody cares.
Okay, next video.
Okay.
Nobody cares.
Hey, Chris and Matt.
Love you guys.
So thankful for the podcast.
Oh, thank you.
I wanted to ask you guys for some advice.
Okay.
I'm talking so British, but not with an accent.
I am a doctor at a children children's hospital and it never fails
that when i walk into the room okay parents will say something god bless great job she is her whole
face and her mouth is talking british without the accent what do you mean because she's like doing
it like this you know what i mean she's talking like this that's with the british accent she's
not doing with the accent but imagine me just talking like this but like i'm just but i'm not
like look at me like like talking like this like i'm talking like this but like she not doing it with the accent, but imagine me just talking like this, but I'm just... Look at me, talking like this.
I'm talking like this, but she's doing it like a British way.
I've never encountered someone making less sense than you are making...
Only as little sense.
All right, fine.
Then it's a lose.
I missed.
No, I get what you're saying.
There we go, so now he turns around.
British people don't look like this when they're talking.
Have you seen fucking Gilligan's Island?
Yeah.
How about the guy, the British guy who talks like this?
There you go, dude.
Okay, so that's one British guy, not British people.
Deep pull.
She talks like him without being British.
All right, start it over.
Start it over?
Oh, wow.
So offended.
You want me to actually...
Oh, hang on.
The nurse is here.
Or are you my nurse for today?
Sexist.
Oh, I got you. oh hang on the nurse is here or are you my nurse for today sexist oh i gotcha so i would like a
spin move um ideally professional to give back to these people um because just because i'm young
and blonde does not mean that i can't be a doctor that's crazy yeah she's a doctor and we love you
for that and you're doing fucking god's work here's the thing if i went to a hospital and
she showed up and was my doctor, I would be thanking my
lucky fucking stars.
Yeah, because you don't...
Because I'm fucking hap...
Because most doctors are fucking dead inside and don't even look you in the eye and act
like they've never had a good day in their fucking life.
Yep.
And she's smiley and nice yep the only thing that
would be better is if honestly if she was indian and then i would be all in what though so you're
racist no no opposite indians are the best doctors yeah so you're racist against non-whites
no i i am pro-indian yeah so thus you are i'm not saying anyone else is bad politician dude she this is what you do when there's a are you the nurse you go like this he's like no
i'm the doctor all good i'm gonna you know what i'm actually prescribing you these medication
you give them some pills and they say oh well i'm not here because i'm sick and they say no these
these actually these pills help with sexism because you're sexist so because i'm a doctor
or you could go more hardcore and and do
that and the person says no i'm not i'm not sick and she's and you say oh no i know these you just
take one and it'll kill you just like that and then the world would be a better place oh wow
dude gonna get fucking disbarred or whatever they call it sued yeah for sure what do they call it
for the thing uh they take your license away take your license away there's gonna be a name for it but anyway
malpractice gonna get sued for malpractice yeah she tried to kill me but she should do it the
british really she's not british actually if you listen to her talk um so the british nurse she's
a doctor and she's american um so yeah dude i feel like uh i feel like uh that's bullshit that
sucks you're probably gonna have to deal with that for a few more years until you start looking a little bit older maybe right and probably which sucks
yeah but female doctors well how old do you think that lady is she looks like she's probably my age
she looks like she's like in her well i think she might even be younger than i think we saw her
walking on the street we'd probably be like she's 30 she looks like she's in her early 30s probably
older she's been through residency in med school and all that shit.
I don't know, dude.
I met a doctor recently.
She looked even younger than this woman.
Oh, dude.
I had a doctor once.
I went in.
I was sick.
I had a doctor.
Yeah.
She was 12 years old.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it was horrible.
The diagnosis was horrible.
She gave me two sugar cookies and then she shit all over the floor.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a shame.
Take two days, come in, I'm on.
And they were just frosted
in a and then she in a heart with pink it was like for valentine's day and then she
shit all over the floor yeah she well dukey hauser
wow okay hell yeah dude dookie hauser md why do you listen to any other podcast you get here? Hilarity.
Advice.
Brothership.
Brothership.
Wow.
Brotherhood.
You get the interconnectivity with the audience.
You get vibrant colors.
Look at this here.
We've got Lifeline right here.
And this is just L-I-F-E-L-I-N-E.
That's L twice.
But we have different letters e twice two and i twice
brothership being so loud brotherhood
so what was the advice here for her oh yeah the real the real advice i mean i guess you gotta tread carefully because
i don't even remember what it was such complaint what do you mean no clue who the person was just
went with bits have no idea for doctor oh yeah she was really sweet yeah how could you forget her
for a nurse every time she walks in a room yep which by the way i don't think it's an age thing
i think it's a sexist thing it's both oh it's definitely both it's both it's both but you're
totally right but like if she was 50 it would be a little different yeah but no i think it's a sexist thing it's both oh it's definitely both it's both it's both but you're you're totally right but like if she was 50 it would be a little different yeah but no i
agree it's sexism but it's also ageism reverse ages if she was indian everyone be like i get it
okay stop saying stuff about indian people but um i think that
i think oftentimes in situations like that like from from India, not Navajo. If you just keep, retain.
Yeah, we know.
If we retain.
Why?
Because you're racist and prejudiced?
If you retain eye contact when you correct someone and just stay looking into their eye
for a little bit longer than is, I don't know, like normal.
I think that kind of thing goes a long enough way where that also now that you're the doctor
and you're already in a position of authority, it will make the people slink even more into themselves you control the room even more
say yes without apology without hesitancy and just stare into their eyes and say yes i am the doctor
right and pause and keep eye contact or you can be be like, you think I'm the nurse?
Well, if I was a nurse,
would I be able to do this
and then quickly do surgery on somebody?
Just grab somebody from the hall.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
On the person.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Open heart surgery.
No, no, please, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, you did it?
Okay, you're a good doctor okay okay all right guys this shit wow hello matt and chris um my name is gage so here's the situation
pause it what is his name gage gage g-a-g or cage gage his name is gage gage g-a-g-e or cage gage his name's gage gage hey i'm gage yeah he's gage dude again
he's gonna look because that's crazy if his name is gage dude he is gage i don't want anybody else
saying other things gage to her g Kombat character. Gage is a name.
Gage wins.
All right.
Let's go, Gage.
All right, guys.
Hello, Matt and Chris.
My name is Gage.
So here's the situation.
I just got really high, took two edibles, and I was blasting Nirvana, and I went into Planet Fitness.
Oh, you're me?
I had a panic attack.
Oh, you're me? I had to come out to the car. And so I can i can't drive and i can't work out so i'm just kind of chilling here and
my first thought was to send you guys in a video because i've been wanting to do it for a while but
i've been too shy so uh fuck i i guess my question is what do you do? Any advice for when you feel very, very sad for a very long time?
Like, that's just been my life lately. And it just becomes like a habit to just feel sad.
How do you just get out of a rut, basically, when when like, you get very comfortable in said rut?
Because that's how I felt lately. Like, I've just been so comfortable in my sadness that i haven't been wanting to improve in any way i don't know any advice in that regard would
be very helpful thanks guys appreciate you jesus bye you break the cycle you
you're just high yeah no that's a big part of it you know but one way to you break the cycle
because he's right he he said something interesting,
which is that you get into a rut,
and then the rut gets deeper and deeper,
and you become so accustomed to it
that you sort of like lean back,
almost like it's a warm blanket into the sadness,
because it's a thing that you know,
you're familiar with it,
and we always lean back into the familiar things.
That's why people who are traumatized,
re-traumatize other
people move forward in life to traumatize other people because it's what's familiar but what what
you're doing is pissing me off because you're just sitting there texting i forgot and that's
traumatizing me yeah but um what i think it's it sounds a lot simpler than it is because obviously
being in a rut and being sad all the time is shitty and hard to you know correct for
but i think that breaking the cycle is important but but forcefully and with purpose break the
cycle for instance if you're sad every day uh day in day out take two edibles and go to planet
fitness things like that will help you get out of your rut it seems
like this might have done the trick he's sitting there he's smiling he's laughing and he's calling
us well he's high yeah but that is what i'm saying like shit you got to shake yourself up okay if
you're in a rut whether it's sadness or just melancholy whatever it is you got to like shake
the shit up so that when you resettle, your perspective is even slightly shifted
because you can't just trust yourself to be like,
okay, I'm not going to be sad.
Right.
This is not how it works.
We lean into whatever we are familiar with,
and if we happen to be familiar with sadness period of our life,
we're not going to just snap ourselves out of that.
You've got to shake your shit up.
I mean, it sounds like you're on the right
track with the two edibles planet fitness thing but you know i don't know yeah i mean i would be
careful careful using substances to try and get out of that situation but you know it's fine to
do that but uh once or twice and shit but uh yeah i i think that uh well he's doing things that are
good going to planet fitness working out exactly doing things that help himself so that's good
but um he's overcoming his shyness by calling into us yeah a bunch of good things i mean look
he's sad i understand it's sad sometimes and that's good that you at least know that and you're
you're you're you're you're identifying it um but yeah what matt said was right i think that you
know that's a good idea i think that that's a good idea yeah just fucking shake your shit up shake your shit change change the usually when i'm sad day in day out i usually find that i'm
doing the same things over and over and it's like i'm upset that i'm sad but then i'm not doing
anything different any of the days and once i realize that you change shit up you act a little
bit different you do something different one day then the next day you do something else and the next thing you know you
suddenly not as sad and then suddenly you are oops suddenly you are feeling a little bit better
and all you need is that one little rope that's dangling off the cliff that you grab suddenly
you're pulling yourself robbins pulling yourself up pulling yourself up suddenly you're standing on the mountaintop like this robbins and suddenly the
world is yours and you're not sad anymore all you need is your rope look you get your rope all right
you gotta find the rope okay you have a little bit dangling rope you pull it you pull yourself
up you pull yourself up you pull yourself up you get to the top of the mountain where you want to
be top mountain and you gotta be screaming ah now don't lose that hunger right because the only
person more hungry than the wolf on the top is wolf on the bottom looking at the top that's pretty
good that's what he would say okay so don't lose that hunger just because you only person more hungry than the wolf on the top is wolf on the bottom looking at the top that's pretty good that's what he would say okay so don't lose that
hunger just because you're on the top okay my face is too big go ahead my head entirely too big
hey chris hey matt beautiful shot so i've seen this guy started working at my job recently
no and more recently i've been having to specifically work with him
and okay so we have to kind of you know talk with each other during breaks and stuff during the job
and an mtv cartoon he's not he has a bad social awareness okay like he doesn't know how to read
the room why does he have like people that had worked with him before it said the same thing
and now i'm experiencing it i understand what they mean like he just he'll talk about himself or one topic for like beating
it to the ground the same thing over and over and you're like who do i get it like we're it's been
20 minutes and it started with me like asking him about a sandwich or something i'm like we've said it all like i don't know what else we could possibly be talking about right now
about a sandwich but he just i don't know he just has like poor awareness and i'm bad with
confrontation so i'll just sit there and let it happen and i'll try to change like change the
subject but then he'll then we'll just be talking about
that thing for like 20 minutes so i'm kind of at this place where i'm like i know i have to do
something more i'm not sure what because like i said i'm bad with like i guess calling people
out on their shit so is there a way without being a dick that i can tell him like alright like okay we've talked about that
for a long time or
you know without completely dismissing him
you know like sometimes I'll get on my phone
like to purposely be like I'm not
interested and
he'll keep talking
and it's just
so I need to say something so just anything
that you guys come up with would help
thanks
it's you it's you So I need to say something. So just anything that you guys come up with would help. Thanks.
It's you.
Okay, but hang on.
It's you, Joe.
He said the same thing nine times and it's fucking three and a half minutes in.
This is a common theme among people calling.
I'm bad at confrontation, but there's this thing that I need to be confrontational for.
You have your own fucking answer in your inquiry.
You need to be confrontational and you're not going to be a dick. The fear always like oh i don't want to be a dick it's those things are not synonymous
confrontational is not the same thing as rude or just like shitty or uncaring or whatever
you can be confrontational and kind actually confrontational doesn't necessarily imply a kind of rudeness tell the guy shut the
fuck up well you've been saying the same fucking thing over and over again who the fuck would want
to listen to this did you ever think about that okay that's where you're gonna get fired and also
these people well first of all it's you but let's say it's not you right these people will will will
go towards the weakest link.
Explain that.
They will find the person they can talk to like this.
They don't do it to me, bro, unless I let them.
I go, hey, hey, hey.
What do you really do, though?
Come on.
I go like this.
Oh, yo, you've been talking about that for way too long.
You do, yeah. I do, yeah, 100%.
I say, I got the information, and you're saying the same thing.
That's what i do uh and i get not everyone can do that not everyone will do that when people do shit like that i do because i like to be confrontational and i also like when people
talk for so long about certain things you like really weird people boring weirdos yeah so maybe
you could give him advice for how to enjoy it because if he's not going to confront somebody if you're not going to confront him you got to
figure out a way to enjoy it so either confront him like i said not as rude as the way i did it
or be like him but you like really fucking weird annoying people why don't you try this this is
what i do why don't you try asking more questions in depth about the thing that they're talking
about and see if you can
pull interesting things out of the boringness because that's what i do if a guy's going to
talk about sandwiches for an hour i say so what about the bread do you like and they say i don't
know it's just good yeah but what is it yeah don't accept good don't accept these bullshit answers
you want to talk talk motherfucker you've been talking an hour. Yeah.
So what are your top five favorite types of cheese?
Right?
Munster.
Okay, so now we got something to work with, right?
I don't know what I think about Munster, right?
So then when did you first have a sandwich, do you think?
Oh, my mom used to make sandwiches.
And then we get to talk about your mom.
What happened with your childhood?
Dude, all of a sudden, it's an interesting fucking thing.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe. Maybe not. If not, then we learned something about your mom's friends. Maybe something happened with your mom what happened with your childhood dude all of a sudden it's an interesting fucking thing maybe maybe maybe maybe not if not then we learned something about your mom's friends maybe something happened with your mom's friends who knows what the fuck happened we learned that you
liked the same show i liked when i was a kid oh now we talk about the show and this is interesting
to me you like whose company whose company i think you should uh who's the should just get real with them and be like, you're stunningly boring.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
Miraculous.
You are stunningly miraculously boring.
How is it?
What's going on?
When you're talking to me.
But you have to actually be interested.
Don't be a dick.
It is a dick thing to do.
But if you're genuinely interested interested the dick meter goes down significantly
so if you're like look i'm really genuinely curious how are you this boring yeah how do
you think it's good to be saying what you're saying yeah i'm genuinely curious yeah now
obviously that's very rude but i'd like it to me you don't know if he would take that rudely he
might be like well if you really want to know the truth and then then we'll cook them with gas
yeah if somebody told me you're being boring but you're talking about this too much i go like this
dude you need to know this this is stuff that's not actually boring for instance what if i'm
talking about like what i like about pants what i like about pants you really know how to be on me um and so but like yeah and so i you are
i think people don't know what they're interested in this person is probably not even interested in
what the fuck he's saying he's just talking to talk like diarrhea of the mouth you can't handle
that talk to me about what you're interested in that's why i say when you're asking the deep
questions about the boringness then the deep shit will come out and then we're both
interested yeah maybe that's riskier than just straight confronting actually it's way less risky
confrontation can turn into fighting but you're not gonna fight no he's not but i'm just saying
it's less risky okay all right next one
hey guys so huge fan here from Texas.
Such a soft voice.
Okay, so I am a new mom.
I just had a baby boy 10 months ago.
Congrats.
And since then I have been a stay-at-home mom, which I love doing.
I love being home with my son.
However, he's almost one now and I've been wanting to start my own business.
So I've recently started a small candle business.
And I have all my product,
the websites up and running. Now, my only question is what is the best way to advertise my product
without being too pushy or annoying? So what really gets your guys' attention and makes you
want to buy a product when you see an ad and any advice on just starting your own business would be
greatly appreciated
thank you guys thank you well photo shoots i mean you got to get a fucking banging photo shoot right
and your market is obviously to women no guys go out there and buy candles unless they're soft as
shit so you're going to buy nice photo shoots with like pinks and lavenders and do that shit
light them up and make it nice and get an instagram page and then hashtag all the things
that everyone likes like you know candles uh ambiance titties whatever the fuck you want to do but people will get the stuff you know
what i mean no what you really don't what you need to not do and i need everybody to not do this
jimbos is this don't try to be funny in your ad anymore i'm gonna put a moratorium on people being funny in ads why it's
never funny well and that what that makes me do is never buy the thing that's being sold to me
commercials are always bad though it has honestly nothing to do with that's why directness is is
is the best thing like this is a commercial no bones
about it yes that's what i'm saying here to show you this thing photo shoot because it's good right
photo shooting tagging the things that people like foreign you put the fucking photo shoot up
with the nice lavenders and the pink shit dimly lit you hashtag it candle life you know moms wait
what is candle light candle life i don't know that'd be a hashtag
call a candle life that's yeah but i'm saying you have to get nice candle light candle light
ambiance you know uh uh spit sharing the stuff that people click what is that what even is that
never mind the stuff that people click to you know and then oh look this nice candle one in
the middle of looking at spit swapping like oh oh well actually that's
actually a nice photo shoot of a candle maybe i'll get that is she only going to advertise
on pornhub no no but that's just the stuff that people click you know i see what you're saying
like um what do you call it uh um uh ambiance
she screwed up she should have said the name of her company i'm gonna i'm gonna email her and get
it yeah get the name and get the candle life you said by mistake because you definitely weren't
trying to be smart because we're gonna give her a free ad candle light is a thing so candle life
is kind of a cool turn of but that's my thing that i created so now we're giving it to her
you fucking asshole i'm gonna sue her i want to have a candle take that like you know like a nice dinner by candlelight she probably something like that but candlelight
already has a name for her company i'm not saying name your company that i'm saying that's the
hashtag that's something an unintentionally good that you gave her you didn't mean to i know you
didn't mean to i do mean to i do i do that stuff good no but you didn't say you didn't know what you were doing tags that people like right scented candle bbw by the way what is
bbw big beautiful woman oh really oh wow i didn't realize it was so clean that's just like a clean
term i i assumed it was something disgusting yeah exactly yeah bbc yeah bbc is also a thing not just a channel yeah that is that too
yeah oh i don't i don't know what bbc is isn't it big black cock yeah okay yeah oh my god i said
the magic words foam big black cock why is that happening i don't know what was that i don't know we have to bleep it all out but
um all right oh no he said it next one
go back oh dude he's still being the shit the whole time
what up chris matt um this is andrew finish eating coming from kennedy city i'll be there
you will march man yes shit dude first off uh when i'm in like a conversation with someone
i want to start a conversation i don't want it to be boring so i want to start it
right on like a hot topic it looks like send your burner and um
right on like a hot topic.
It looks like Sandra Burnham.
This is just one of the many things I come up with.
I was thinking about when you're super thirsty,
you go drink something.
The right way to drink it.
People usually just drink it and chug it.
But that's not the right way.
Take a sip first.
Get the thirst quenched
and then drink another one, a big gulp,
so you can actually enjoy it and you're not so focused on getting your mouth undried.
Oh, you didn't want to be boring, huh?
I explained this to my friend, and my buddy's just like, it's not that he doesn't agree,
but he says, who cares?
Like, who cares if that's a rule or not?
Yeah.
He says it's more boring that I'm saying that rather than if I'm talking about, like, say, like, I don't know, the weather or something.
But I don't think that's how it should work.
And I was just wondering what you guys think about that.
Like, is it weird to, like, come up with certain rules like that?
Because that is the right way.
Like, he's not changing my mind.
Okay, this guy.
I don't know.
What's one of your guys' thoughts on that?
Peace.
Thank you, DJ Qualls.
Dude, I want to know how many people he's killed.
Dude, because he's definitely killed at least three people.
Why is he talking like he doesn't have teeth when he has teeth?
Because he has... Was he eating? people. Why is he talking like he doesn't have teeth when he has teeth? Because he has...
Was he eating?
No.
Also, what was the question?
I don't want to be boring.
His question was, what was his question?
I don't want to be boring, and that's the thing.
I don't want to be boring.
I want to talk about the things.
And so, when you drink a sip of something you most people think you just drink it but then
instead what i think you should do is drink a little bit of a sip and then let it go and then
drink more of a sip and that's when you taste it so to preface i don't want to be boring my friend
says the most boring i don't want it i don't care about that and i'm just like but these are things
you should care about and the weather talking about the weather, is better than that. So what are you guys saying about that? Dude.
What is he?
What?
What, bro?
I think his question was.
There should be.
Are there rules?
Are there unspoken rules?
There are.
I don't know what that one is. The question is, he's saying he wants to have conversations with new people.
This is what I think it is.
He wants to have he wants to
talk about stuff that's not just like hey what's up what's the weather i can relate i get things
like hey what's the best way to drink yeah i get that sure and go on reddit though and then his
friend said that oh this guy's on reddit trust me you can't force that though yeah no you can't be
like oh who cares about the weather let's talk about the best ways to drink drinks yeah how you doing man hey what's up what's your name oh cool my name
is uh kevin um how when you drink a drink do you do you probably just drink it straight up yeah
dude so i got this thing where you take one small sip and then you wait and then you start drinking
so anyway and then guess what guess what you're never gonna where you going guess what no matter what you say you're never gonna change my mind
what were you going how's the weather
dude i mean you're on the right track i guess but like you might want to sharpen the exact
questions you got you know you say you're not gonna change my mind so anyway i'm kevin dude what the fuck that might have been the worst question we ever got who wrote that
was that you wrote that or him no no he wrote it okay good well i don't know well yeah maybe
he's got a self-awareness or something but this guy doesn't have self-awareness so um
well that was great we love you we'll see you in kansas city for sure in march when i'm
chrisley.com i mean you know sandra bernhard March. You kind of looked like Mick Jagger. Chrisley.com.
I mean, you know.
Sandra Bernhardt and Mick Jagger had a baby and it's that guy.
Sandra Bernhardt looks like Mick Jagger.
Had a baby, eats a boy.
Wow, that was amazing, bro.
Thank you so much for your call.
I wish there were more calls like that.
For real?
I hate how when people yawn, they hear my yawn.
I know, but that's why I don't look.
I don't look when people yawn.
I look away because they don't control me.
The sound is enough. I go like this. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. When people yawn why I don't look. I don't look when people yawn. I look away because they don't control me. The sound is enough.
I go like this.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
When people yawn, I go like this.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
because they're not making me yawn
just because I'm looking, dude.
Cool.
Let's go to another one.
What's going on, Chris and Matt?
My name's Nico.
Huge fan of the show.
Hell yeah.
Chris has been a baby since day one,
but I actually have a question about a proposal.
I'm thinking about getting engaged
my girlfriend going through the ring process now the whole nine yards but um i want to know what's
a great way maybe a unique way to propose to my girlfriend we're in new york city there's obviously
a lot of great spots but there's also like companies that charge like four or five thousand
dollars to do a proposal i mean wouldn't make a dent but not gonna do that but
um definitely want like pictures of it and yeah and it just to be nice special no restaurants or
sporting events anything like that but um we'd love to hear your guys advice and hear what you
think um keep doing what you're doing and life rips i think i know i have a good idea i've always
had this in mind but i've never been able to do it because it's like uh i've never been married never asked somebody to marry me if i did they
would surely say yes but okay well i mean you know so you just get on one knee and you say
somebody stop me and then you say will you marry me why would you do that i like that movie the mask remember that
but that's not romantic at all okay fine about this smoking no that's that actually would be
the worst way to propose i can't think of anything worse maybe shitting on the ring
you say smoking and then you say will you marry me i love you yeah and but she doesn't hear the second part because she left she's already driving smoking oh okay well what's
your fucking great idea then uh the first when i was married first the first time i was married
i've been married twice this is my second end in tears this story and it's cool and it's all good
and it's fine but uh i wanted to do it in a memorable place and a memorable area and a memorable time.
So I went into the – oh, wait, no.
Oh, my God.
Doesn't remember.
Wow, that isn't what I did.
Wow, dude.
That was when I first told her I loved her.
Wow, Jesus.
I thought that that would mix it up.
It was 20 years ago.
Just lie a little bit then.
So, all right.
So then I went into the middle.
This is when I first told her I loved her.
No, this is how you proposed, dude. But it isn't though.
I don't want to lie.
I thought it was.
And then I realized, no, this is the first time I told her I loved her.
Oh, okay.
Wow.
You had a whole thing about like.
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay, go.
I went and drove.
We were driving.
I pulled over in the middle of an intersection.
And I walked out into the middle of the intersection and i said hey i wanted to do this for a long time in a
memorable place um but i i i every building i picked i was like in 20 fucking 30 years the
building probably would be a different building or a different place or demolished or whatever
and i know this intersection will probably
be here for a really long time. So I wanted
it to be symbolic of this.
And I said, and I love you.
And people were honking and driving by.
And so I'm going to go, move the fuck out the way.
But didn't, I thought that's how you
propose marriage. No, it isn't. I thought it
was until I realized it wasn't.
So you're a big fucking liar. Well, this was,
I'm a big fucking liar.
You did propose that way, dude. You did propose pretended like something was wrong with the car yes but that was after the movie we saw a movie and we
pulled out of the drive the the driveway and i didn't know how to do it um and so i just pulled
over and i was like i don't know how to do this and i showed her the ring in the um in the uh in
the headlights and then she came out and she was crying and then we and then she said yes she came
out she was crying because you had abducted her and then she kept running no and uh and so yeah
so that was the i mixed it up but it was 20 i have bad memory it was 20 years ago yeah i have
a worse memory but do you yeah what's my name crimps crimps no not crimps that's not even a name
um so yeah i i don't here's the thing i don't think you said no sporting events and no restaurants
and i get that yeah i don't think that's ever really a good idea maybe if you're both that
kind of person okay no but it's never i don't think so but you gotta do what's good for you
um i think it's nice to just do a romantic thing like um you know i get
it if you don't want to do it at home but something like a park is great oh i got a good or if you do
a picnic i got a good one so all week like complain about a pain on your lower back
oh my god my back's been killing me my back's been killing me and then like a few days in
you tell her you know what it might even be like i don't know but you just take a look
and then you bend over and pull your pants down a little bit and you have the ring in your asshole
matt what i did not know that that's where you're going and that's a bad what did you think i was
gonna say you you say my back hurts and you keep having to kneel down to like do some back exercise
until she doesn't suspect or expect yeah and then a week later you do it and she's just like oh he's
gonna stretch his back and then you pull out the ring and she's like and you say my back wasn't
hurt all along that's a good marry See, we came up with it.
That was a collaborative effort.
I kind of came up with it.
No, I had the first half.
But your second half negated all of it.
And the ring is in your asshole.
What do you say?
It would be unique.
It'll be unique?
Yeah.
Your butthole's the ring holder.
Yeah, no, I get it.
Just go down face down with your butt up, put it in there, and wait for her to walk in the door.
You'll be there all day.
Then your back really will hurt.
Yeah, yeah.
And then when she comes in, when she walks in the room, just be like,
Will you marry me?
Yeah.
Because your face is up against the floor.
No, do like Ace Ventura with your butt cheeks.
Will you marry me?
But then the ring will go boop in your butt.
Oh, no, you're right.
You'll be like, oh, no, I lost it.
We're going to have to wait four hours, but I have something to ask you bring me the x lax no but i think i think as as long as it is
personal to you and her like something that you both will remember and cherish as a memory forever
like if you like both both like michael buble and you go to a michael buble concert don't do it at
the michael buble concert but do it afterwards in a nice place, right?
Or something like that.
Yeah, but don't talk about Michael Bublé.
Who, me?
Yeah.
Well, he's good.
Oh, okay.
Well, then never mind.
Or the fucking guy, Daniel Bedingfield.
I don't even know who that is.
But...
You know that song? No, I mean, what are the lyrics? I'm going to get through this. lyrics i'm gonna get through this i'm gonna get
through oh okay okay you know i do know that yeah i gotta get through this
i'm gonna get through this song
all right we good yeah i think we're good dude we really figured that one out so we figured them All right. We good?
Yeah, I think we're good, dude.
We really figured that one out.
So we figured them all out pretty much.
So fine.
Thank you very much.
I know that's what I said last time.
He says, that's last one.
Wow.
The fucking guy writes, that's last one on the thing.
In the smallest font.
In the smallest font, dude.
I don't even have my contacts in.
So I fixed it.
Now it says, that's the last one, a little bigger. And it's growing.
Yeah. I'll see you's the last one, a little bigger. And it's growing. Yeah.
I'll see you soon.
San Antonio, Louisiana, which is New Orleans, and Sugar Land, Texas.
I'll be there next week.
And then I have Rhode Island, New York, and also Chicago.
I see it there.
Milwaukee, Salt Lake City.
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Elvis.