Lions Led By Donkeys Podcast - Episode 84 - Lax Bros Strike Back: The Michilimackinac Massacre

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

A game of Lacrosse leads to the dumbest massacre in Michigan state history . Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/lionsledbydonkeys Buy some merch: https://teespring.com/stores/lions-led-by-donkeys-store Follow us @lions_by Sources: https://mynorth.com/2010/05/deadly-lacrosse-game-in-mackinac-straits-at-fort-michilimackinac-in-1763/ https://www.mackinacparks.com/books-publications/attack-at-michilimackinac/ https://ss.sites.mtu.edu/mhugl/2015/10/11/pontiacs-rebellion-at-fort-michilimackinac/

Still waiting on that heifer, Julio. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. You're cool. And fuck you, I'm out. Hello, and welcome to yet another episode of the Lions Led by Donkeys podcast. I'm Joe. With me today, as always, is Nick. Joe the Beautiful or Nick the Beautiful? Because I don't think we fit either one of those.

Maybe Laika, who's also here. She actually does. Laika's lovely. Should we start introducing her? I feel like at this point, it's just assumed that she's always here. Because she does not take her union-mandated vacations, no matter how many times I've told her to do so. It's true. She's always doing shit.

Yeah. her to do so it's true she's always doing shit yeah uh so the last episode we talked uh and shit on the state of ohio for about an hour i don't regret that and i don't believe that i should have to equal this out but that's what we're gonna do today by shitting on michigan for about an hour um you're also wearing a red wing shirt i am uh i i don't have to wear a red wing shirt at this point it's just imprinted on my soul nice um disappointment so we're going to talk about one of the best known ambushes uh in i would say american history but definitely state history and that is the one at fort mishilly mackinac and fort chili mack mishilly mackana. And I actually know for sure I am pronouncing this one right.

It's fucking MRE. I did abbreviate the script as Chili Mac Massacre. Which is exactly what happens whenever you come back from the field. Are we going to rename all those Confederate bases we have to MRE names? I would argue if we're going to name them anything that anything works but MREs for sure because even MREs

are more useful than confederates. Fort Hood would be Fort Chili and Beans. Fucking Fort Brag would be I don't know. Fort Tortilla Soup. Is there a Tortilla Soup one? Yeah there is. I don't know. Fucking. Fort Tortilla Soup. Is there a Tortilla Soup one?

Yeah, there is. Holy shit. I didn't know that. I knew there was the fajitas. The pizza slice one. Fort Pizza Slice. Fort Hood should be Fort Pizza Slice. And that's because you've been looking forward to it for a really long time.

And when you finally get there, it's a huge disappointment. When they say pizza slice, they mean pizza slice. It's a small disappointment when they say pizza slice they mean pizza slice it's a small shitty square so when i was at fort knox they told me i came down on orders and i literally said out loud as long as it's not fort hood i really don't care at the like the the pat guy was like oh it's fort hood i was like fuck and then i started wondering like how fast can I get to Canada? And then I went to Fort Hood. Um, never made it.

No, no. So, uh, we're going to talk about the ambush at Fort Michilimackinac today. Uh, but before we do that, we have to talk about a guy named Pontiac and the war that he started.

Now, uh, since we're going real hard in Michigan here, I have to explain that Pontiac is a local Native American warrior And certified badass Who now has a city named after him That is so notoriously corrupt That it's entire police department had to be fired

In order to save money Because the city embezzled it all away That's actually true The Oakland County Sheriff's Office Now has to cover it because the Pontiac Police department had to be disbanded to save money Wow And even though I grew up in areas now has to cover it because the Pontiac police department had to be disbanded to save money. Wow. Yeah.

And even though I grew up in areas of Detroit, which most people would consider kind of bad, we all considered Pontiac even worse. One time... Everybody has those areas. One time I was there with my cousin and he got stabbed for a single Camel Crush cigarette. Really? Because it's okay. It's like a laugh out. Over a Camel Crush cigarette. Really? Because it's okay. It's like a laugh out of me. Over a Camel Crush?

Yeah, it was actually the night they came out. Wow. Yeah, we were at a bar, which name escapes me now, and I think it got closed down. But Camel was there handing out cartons of Crushes, not even IDing you. Yeah. So I was definitely underage.

And we all got fucking tons of cigarettes. And we went outside because it was a non-smoking club. And some guy asked, like, hey, man, let me get a cigarette. And my cousin's like, no. And he got fucking stabbed. Wow, for a cigarette. For a camel crush. Which is somehow worse because those are terrible so i don't smoke anymore but those

fucking terrible cigarettes i don't think i know anybody that smokes them no i i smoked them for a really long time there but that's because i had so many from that night it makes sense yeah yeah freeze free yeah but we're not talking about that pontiac i i felt like i just had to bring that up because i don't know how big our michigan fan is, but they've all probably heard of Pontiac. It's also a car. I think they don't make it anymore. I don't remember. I haven't seen a Pontiac in a long time. Maybe I'm confusing Pontiacs

and Buicks. I haven't seen a Saturn in a long time. It's because they stopped making Saturns. I haven't seen those in a while. Like most Native Americans before the time of the white guy, there's not a whole lot of written history about Pontiac's life. There's actually a really good chance that Pontiac is not even his name, like more like a moniker that he took up later. OK, some people think that he was born in what is now Ohio, which sorry, I have to get into all I can.

And I'm just not OK with that. Nobody is even certain which tribe his parents are from. It was some historians arguing that they are members of the Ottawa or Ojibwe tribes and had been born of a different tribe altogether and then kidnapped and raised as a member of the Ottawa. I guess Pontiac is just a land of contrast. So does this guy exist? He both exists and he is Schrodinger's native american warrior yeah yeah uh he was raised in the shadow of fort detroit and like myself probably wrote moody poetry and listened to fallout boy nice now pontiac like so many other native american uh tribe like like many

other native american tribes fought on the side of the french during the french and indian war now if you're not super familiar with the French-Indian War, we haven't talked about it. We probably will eventually. But it's a North American proxy war between England and France. This is largely because the French were kind of sort of nice to the natives as far as colonial powers go. They were still imperial dickheads of the highest order,

but their rule was largely benign in comparison. So a lot of the natives sided with them during this war. I don't mean to make it sound like the French were the good guys. It was more like, let's deal with the devil that we know rather than these dudes that we don't. Unfortunately for the native allies of the French,

the French got the shit kicked out of them, forever changing the history of North America. France lost all of French-speaking Canada, forever turning a part of Canada into insufferable pricks while forcefully expelling a large amount of the French-speaking population, accidentally creating Cajun people. That's how that happened.

They created Cajun people. Well, they moved south and ended up in Louisiana. And now that's how Cajun people got started. I see. How you go from the very, very north to the swamps, I have no idea. Yeah, Louisiana shouldn't exist either. I've been to Louisiana. And one of my first tank commanders was a Cajun guy.

Really cool guy. But the home that he was explaining where he came from, it's not a place I would look at and be like, let's settle here. It was like a mud shack or something. He was from like the, he was like a swamp person. Yeah.

He did not go to school. Guarantee it. The only reason why he was allowed to enlist is because we invaded Iraq. The dude did not go to school yeah he was literate because he taught himself okay yeah yeah he was um for people are unaware like your first line supervisor writes what's known as counseling statements for you which is effectively an evaluation those How did those look? They looked exactly how he spoke.

Those are the best counseling statements I've ever received. He had a Cajun accent so incredibly thick he needed subtitles. Even the subtitles go, question marks under it. It just says foreign language in parentheses. In his counseling statements, when I read them, I felt like a code breaker.

But I love that guy to death uh sergeant dupree if you listen to this podcast i love you don't don't hunt me down please don't kill me uh another fun fact about this war is that it pretty much tripled the british debt and led them to increase taxes on its colonies in order to try to recoup some of the losses which eventually sparked the american revolution uh the same loss of war that would go on to weaken the french crown and contribute to the french revolution so yeah sweet dominoes and stuff there's there's a bigger idea there that we could explain but we're not the people to unpack it no yeah anyway back to everybody pontiac as you can imagine this kind of destabilization of power in the Americas also affected the tribes that had come to all but depend on French rule. Tribes picked up and moved further west in order to get away from the British, causing tensions between the tribes as they pressed into one another's turf.

British troops moved into the areas that had formerly been garrisoned by the French. Now, there was some friction between the two almost immediately. Now, the French treated people about as well as you could entreat, as well as a colonial overworld could treat the tribes of North America. I mean, they did all sorts of bad shit. I'm not saying they did good, but it's a low fucking bar that they had to cross to be considered decent. And they largely did that,

which is more than they could say for a lot of the parts of Africa they took over. Oh, man. But what is important is they didn't really treat the natives like they were conquered people. Instead, they kind of treat them like allies because the French didn't have the same ideas for this area of America as the British did. They weren't trying to build cities and shit. Okay. So the French had

roommates. They had outposts and trapping groups and stuff like that. There wasn't a huge population of them, which probably goes into a lot of the reason why the Indians like them, because they're like, well, there's not a ton of them. Like I said, low fucking bar here. Low fucking bar. They're not genociding us right now. Yeah, we're good for now um also the french had this uh policy of pretty much bribing them which helps um they had they had a kind of a

standing policy where they would buy tribes loyalty they would gift prominent tribal leaders with money weapons um like stocks of fur, pretty much whatever they wanted. Nice. Well, now some people consider this diplomatic as like a sign of goodwill between two people who are now neighbors because one took over your home. The British thought it was just a bribe.

Which, sure. Yeah, it was. It was definitely a bribe. Yeah. But like you took over their country, maybe give them stuff every once in a while yeah i'll take some fur but that's when um the the british when they took over they stopped doing it so that's like nail one in the coffin like now i have no reason to be your friend

you didn't give me fur dude yeah you're fucked you're not gonna give me guns you're not gonna give me fur you're not gonna give me like low ar arp on this fucking car alone. You're not going to give me an AR? I mean, now, think of this. Someone write this historical fiction novel. Go back in time and just hand them AKs and be like, go forth and do what you will.

Look, there's going to be this guy named Columbus that shows up. Let me teach you small unit tactics real quick so you can wipe that motherfucker out i mean i'd probably still be speaking armenian right now but like i'm not seeing the downsides how different would the world wars be like the great paniet confederation spans from mexico to canada they start taking over with their advanced ak's now give Give them fucking Jetson shit. Man, I don't know why, but there's dive bombers

from the North American Confederation bombing London for the sun god. And it shows historical pictures of this dude showing him an AK. Just like you. Some guy in a Red Wings jersey in an AK showed up out of the ether. Someone write that. Someone do that fucking art. some guy in a Red Wings jersey in an AK showed up out of the ether. Dude.

Someone write that. Someone do that fucking art. I'll get it tattooed on me. So, like I said, when the Brits took over, they ended that practice of the AK-based primary. In a decree by General Jeffrey Amherst

in 1716, he forbid gifting virtually anything to the Native American tribes, believing that it was a drain on the British government, and it led to, quote, excessive coddling on the native population. Coddling? Yeah. What? Being too nice to them. Jesus, what? Are you guys having a massacre in weeks?

Just everywhere. Are you treating these brown people like people? Monocles fall out across britain what uh the real motivation behind it was probably that the government was being cheap as fuck um the british had always a love for crippling austerity measures uh what up uk sorry about that election um but there was a worry um that if they kept giving the natives everything they needed they could simply be stockpiling it and planning a revolt like maybe we should stop like these guys don't like us maybe let's stop giving them guns and for yeah you can't let them be like

too prepared for the winter yeah exactly uh if like if they stopped giving them stylish like also it was practical if you're an asshole think of it this way if they stop giving them stylish. Also, it was practical. If you're an asshole, think of it this way. If they stop giving them so much stuff and make them work, they won't have so much time to like plan a rebellion. That's literally what they thought, which I mean, it'll be far too busy. I mean,

that's kind of like a weird Spartan idea on the hell. It's like, if we just treat these guys like shit and work them to death all the time, they can't possibly parents do. We got to keep them far too busy to do anything stupid. That's what the army does. Holy shit. Yes.

We got to have the soldiers rake dirt. Otherwise they might get in trouble, which quite legitimately like, Oh no, we didn't have the soldiers. Mo fucking a rock field for three hours somebody got a dui fuck i mean that's not completely off the mark there it's not and they stopped giving us fur and um this is where uh actually you can see this uh all the way up

until like the times of the wild west where a lot of alcohol alcoholism based racism comes into play um they immediately stopped trading alcohol to the natives for no reason other than like the red man can't handle his alcohol what the fuck yes somehow that racist ass shit carried almost word for word over a hundred years and still like there's a lot of places you go today um in reservations and especially up in Alaska, in the native Alaskan population, where alcohol is forbidden. Yeah. They got dry counties there.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like the whole village is dry, and you can get arrested if you bring it in and shit. Dude, that's fucking sucky. Yeah. Yeah. I would hate that. I mean, I understand that there's a whole bunch of underlying issues there probably with when it comes to the

inequality of capitalism up in alaska but um and you know racism based oppression but like if you're gonna make somebody live out in a village where a gallon of milk costs 25 fucking dollars because of its remoteness let me drink myself to death yeah there's like police alaskan state trooper you see him fly in yeah like once a month yeah they come in like once a month yeah like oh time to pick up all the pieces fuck oh did you see the thing that can't totally off subject here but they have the um the public safety patrol or whatever that is not they're not cops but they're like kind of commissioned by the state of alaska to be unarmed police in these communities um it turns out they weren't doing background checks and a lot of them are sex

offenders yeah oh wow yeah way to go alaska just a bunch of snitches i mean that's what they are they're like one step above a crossing guard in school you give someone a fucking pt belt and have them stand up by the bus and you can immediately tell who's gonna start wearing blue lives matter shit like yeah oh yeah anyway uh bringing it back around to uh to native america um the the british also banned british traders from going out to uh out to the villages this would require the natives to go to british forts allowing soldiers to keep an eye on them so like there wasn't a whole lot of this um like the french weren't going out to these villages and getting ambushed i mean that murder certainly

occurred but a lot of it is made is we're going to make them dependent on us they're going to come to our forts we're not we're not going to go out to their villages yeah it's like fucking stupid ass peacocking but for imperialism you're gonna check out our fort you're gonna see our power and you're going to be cowed by it look how cool we are yeah come see how cool our red jackets are you bitch um now amherst strictly limited the amount of trading of black powder and ammunition to the natives. I see. So he would effectively force them into rebellion. Now he didn't know that that's important because he's dumb.

This is because they had, the native people had long since moved on to an economy that included treating deer skins to white people skins. They obtained by hunting deer with muskets. That's got to be the shittiest type of hunting. A lot of people still do it. Do they? Yeah. With muskets?

Yeah, black powder rifles. Oh, black powder rifles, yeah. They're not technically muskets, but same thing. I thought you were talking about legitimate smoothbore, like the Kentucky rifle. No, there's definitely rifling. I'd be fucking pissed. I think it's about the same amount of um of technology you'd see like civil war but yeah people still

do that because apparently just mowing down deer with an ar isn't fun enough i don't know i don't hunt yeah neither do i um now this is because this this is a huge problem because the natives had long since moved on from being bow dependent. They're like, why the fuck are we still going to use this? We have a gun. Which, sure, I get that. But now with the amount of ammunition and black powder cut down drastically, it would force them to go back to the bow. But since their skill kind of sucked now and wasn't as good, their numbers dropped dramatically of how many deers they could bring in.

Oh, wow. Yeah. You think they started throwing the muskets like spears? Like that one movie? Oh, I fucking hope so. Like the Battle of the Crater status. That's why he actually was carrying on his grandfather's proud tradition of deer hunting by throwing a musket

at a spear. So Amherst accidentally on purpose destroyed their livelihood and economy all at once. Like there's no better way to make someone immediately want to fucking rise up against you. Yeah. I mean, the British do that everywhere. They still do that.

Like everywhere they go. They hit a combo. Scotland doesn't even want to be part of their country anymore. This meant that Amherst did something that almost nobody else was able to do. Create a unifying bond across all the local tribes. Fuck up Whitey. Yeah, they all looked around like, we don't like each other, but man, fuck Jeffrey Amherst. Fuck that guy.

With that, Pontiac met a group of his fellow natives in lincoln park about 10 miles away from detroit which is actually where my grandpa lived before he died really uh and it and uh this is from the book the uh indian uprising over the lincoln park oh not no they're not from there uh okay cool strange coincidence yeah okay um now from the book indian uprising he said, Quote is important to us, my brothers, that we exterminate from our lands, this nation which seeks to only destroy us. Which, yeah.

Solid. No, that is registered as a direct quote from Pontiac. I don't know where they would have gotten that, but I cited it. It's on him. And that started what is now known as Pontiac's Rebellion. Catchy name. Now I just feel like that just... They just made them up.

A whole bunch of Pontiac Aztecs driving slowly through a separate... They're just driving. So I heard something I don't think is true, but I have a lot of family in the auto workers sector to this day. And they said the Pontiac Aztec, when it came out, was so deeply unpopular and it was a huge flop and cost millions of dollars to the company that as punishment the ceo of pontiac made the designers drive pontiac aztecs wherever they went like they forced them

to drive them everywhere what yeah like as punishment you have to drive this piece of shit you designed you're like okay i feel like that's probably not true, but it's funny enough to bring up. It's always good to bring up funny shit like that. Now, Pontiac was not a dumb man, and he knew he wasn't just going to square up with the British and win a fight. Instead, he and about 300 of his followers disguised themselves as traitors and concealed weapons on themselves. How the fuck are you going to conceal a giant musket?

Oh, I think they were like hatchets and knives. Oh, okay, yeah. And walk into the fort. That's better, because if they're concealing muskets really badly, like in their pants... You see a buttstock sticking out of their pant leg? This isn't a gun, I'm just happy to see you, Mr. Amherst. Oh.

That engine also has a huge dick. It's terrifying. Please keep it away from us. So, unfortunately, Pontiac had a narc in his midst, and the garrison had been warned and drove them off with gunfire. Fucking snitches get tomahawks, bitch. Not as catchy, but it works.

Did they find him? It doesn't say. They didn't find them all. I'm going to say they did. Just so we can have a happy ending here. They found him and fucking hatcheted him in the face. That did not stop him from returning a few days later and laying siege to that same fort, though. Now, Pontiac's men were insanely brutal.

There's a very good chance they literally ate a captured soldier. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? But their blood loss was not directed at French settlers. You think that was the first time they were just so red? All they saw was red. They were like, let's eat this fucker. Or it's something that they read through oral history.

Someone told them, yes, you're supposed to eat your enemies, but none of them have actually been at war before. So they're like, fuck, are we supposed to eat this guy? I don't know, man. Somebody told me that we're supposed to eat him to scare them. And the British soldier's like, I heard that you don't eat people. I heard you're really cool. Yeah.

I heard that we should be mates. And they just fucking eat his face. Let's fucking eat him. But there's always that one crazy guy, that one Indian that's already starting to eat him. The Indians look around like, who'd you vote for? Conservative, let's eat this bitch. Quick, favorite movie, go. Wind Talkers.

Oh, fucking cut his face off. Chappy, eat him. That's how my grandfather died. He was eaten by native warriors because his favorite movie was chappy uh now they're that like bloodlust and ire was not directed at the french who happened to be their settlers and traders um they were still they were still considered allies and friends and they were allowed to leave i don't know what this test was like password uh all they do fromage let him him go. He speaks French.

You think they had him line up like everybody got a question? Yeah. Say somewhere there's a British conscript who took one semester of French back in high school. He's like, my time to shine, baby.

Oui. Let him pass. This friendliness was quickly returned by their French bros. As the British army rushed to reinforce the besieged fort, French settlers returned to warn the natives that they were coming. So the natives set a trap for the incoming forces. And this is what is now known as the Battle of Bloody Run. Pontiac's men would chase off the British army and kill its commander,

Captain James Dahliel, and then eat his friends. Holy shit. In front of him? It's like the French come back, everybody gets one. Thanks, Spider-Man, but French. Everybody gets one. Everybody gets one. They fly off through the trees again. Unfortunately for Pontiac

and his native warriors, they lacked a logistical system like most armies really did back then or really any heavy weapons for siege warfare. Also, the coalition of tribes that he managed to slap together for this action was pretty tenuous

and a prolonged siege wasn't exactly what they had signed up for. So people just started to go home. We wanted rage man i got shit to do i got like uh you know something to farm i have to go hunting i'm out i thought there'd be more rampage and if steve's leaving i'm out of here and then you always got that one guy once he leaves everybody's gone that's like the scene from braveheart where everybody's like yeah the one guy's like why don't we just go home oh that's an option why didn't i think of that fuck this i'm going home i'm not getting paid yeah for rick and morty yeah i'll do it for money when the when the native soldiers points out like bro we're not getting a gi bill or anything i'm going home fuck this who's paying for my college uh pontiac was hoping that the french would see their former

allies rise up against the brits and support them but that never happened because the french had more important things to worry about like their fucking empire collapsing um so in november pontiac walked away from the siege and began to plan his next move now imagine like you're in the fort and you're like they're just going home just walking out like you just watch them eat several people and they're just gonna go home they're full they're tuckered out

yeah they had the fuck they were you eat so much you get tired get the itis get the itis off the humans get the human itis oh that's that's got to give you some fucking heartburn especially those guys have been sitting in there

eating a hardtack or some shit you know their meat tasted like ass oh yeah dude no flavor yeah I mean they're white so yeah no flavor this tastes like boiled chicken Pontiac's rebellion began to spread throughout the region with individual tribes jumping in and jumping out of the fighting as they wanted uh using it as an art like as opening their air of grievances against the british i'm really starting to think that pontiac isn't violent you know there's a lot of people who

kind of ask that but i mean there's a little bit of evidence that he like there's um some art and stuff that exists from after this that shows pontiac and there's like he's got no pictures or selfies and no unfortunately uh his selfie stick uh had not been invented yet and um there's like a huge oral tradition passing down of history and stories and stuff and he's in a lot of them does that mean that Pontiac is some kind of tall tale fuck I don't know so I got two things cool if he is even cooler

so oral history way back in my head I got blowjob history I knew you were gonna fucking say that the back of my head was like blowjob history that's how we transfer our history in Lincoln Park Michigan the museum of blowjob history. That's how we transfer our history lessons. In Lincoln Park, Michigan, the Museum of Blowjob History stands to this day. It would be in Michigan.

People come for the auto jobs. They stay for the blowjobs. That's actually where we built our first dick-sucking factory. Chilalabad local dick- dick sucking union is the secondary one. I feel like the Detroit dick sucking would suck. It'd just be all teeth. Can't complain. Yeah, you can.

Now, as it spread throughout the region, the rebellion at the blowjobs. God damn it, Nick. Fucking ate you. So every once in a while, I have to wonder what Nate's face looks like When he listens to this before he fucking slashes it to ribbons So we don't get cancelled

These tribes It wasn't like a central command or anything It was like a wave of rebellion That spread through Someone was like well I guess we're killing the Brits now We're eating them Or hey if they're doing it we're going to join in It was like everybody's chance to kind of air their grievances Against the Brits now. We're eating them. Or, hey, if they're doing it, we're going to join in. It was like everybody's chance to

kind of air their grievances against the Brits with sweet, sweet violence. Yeah, we got to attack them. Do we have to eat them? They did it. We got to now. Yeah, we have to one-up them. Now we got to eat their feet. For instance, the Wyandotte tribe warned the British about building a fort

in a particular area, saying that, like, hey, man, if you come in here and build, we're going to burn that shit down. Like, we won't let you stay here. Rampage. But if you don't build a fort here, we're fine with you. Just don't build a fort. We're cool. So they built the fort.

Oh, fucking assholes. And so once the rebellion started, guess what they did? They burnt that motherfucking fort down. They made it with wood, I assume. Well, it certainly wasn't fucking steel that's awesome hesco walls it's just like one angry british soldier filling a hesco basket it'd be hard to burn down dirt you can't burn down dirt uh in another incident at fort miami which is in which is not actually the Miami, Ohio, which we talked about. This is in Indiana.

What? There's a lot of Miami. Who wants to be a part of that? So the commander of the fort there had a native mistress. Oh, that's nice. He's like progressive? No, no. It was more like, I want some native strange while i'm away

from my wife that type yeah um i take back what i said so actually uh we can we can i'll give a shout out to the native mistress whose name has lost the history because she lured the commander out of the fort and then shot him in the face that's's badass. Fuck yeah. Then the rest of her tribe ran into the fort. Did you hear the haunted music binder? Like, that'd be fucking badass. Then, like, once he got lured out, all of her tribe stormed the fort

and started slaughtering motherfuckers. I mean, that does include men, women, and children. Also, a lot of them were scalped and eaten. But, cool. And then the French settlers inside were also allowed to leave like imagine like this orgy of violence with like children being eaten they're like you guys are cool yeah we have our papers we're french those papers long live king louis

they can go we have a baguette recipe leave I just can't imagine what it's like seeing those guys stormed in and just fucking slaughter everybody. Covered head to toe in blood. Like, you can go. Yeah, they have a TSA line for the French to make sure they're French. They have to draw some of their blood like 50% cheese. We're good here. Imagine this scene from Half Baked. Do you do you remember half-baked yes all right so the guy's like fuck you fuck you fuck you you're cool and then but like but instead of

like pointing at him they're just eating your co-workers like you're cool you can go dude just stops and goes like oh shit pierre you're good into my book. You can leave, my man. It's like, thank you? Or like, was it Billy Madison? Where do I go? I have nowhere to go. Like, you ate my boss. That's the first thing I would think.

Can I just join your tribe? At that point? Do I have to eat people? I'll do it, but... We do have to have like, we have to do people? I'll do it, but... We do have to have, like, we have to do our historical due diligence here and say a lot of the accounts of cannibalism

are secondhand, and a lot of them come from the British, so there's a good chance they never happened. But I like to believe that they did because it's funny. I know everybody talks about, like, the cannibalistic native savages and stuff, so, like, I know someone was going to leave an angry message saying they didn't really do that. They probably didn't.

But we're going to roll with it. Yeah. We're in this far. Yeah. We've only been doing this for almost two years. You know what you're into by now. Small ambushes like this continued to rage across the greater Great Lakes region. small ambushes like this continue to rage across the greater great lakes region and the more the british tried to respond to this uprising with more troops like just

yield surge techniques um somewhere our british commander's like about to turn a corner and really get a handle on these people and then someone just eats them i imagine the natives when they see the birds coming like hmm the buffet is coming they got all dressed up to die yeah uh they'll dance their final dance of death now remember someone get the hot sauce now if you remember like when the main reason people were getting pissed off and joining in on their belly is because like a lot of british soldiers were flooding the area along with settlers so when they tried to respond to the uprising with more soldiers, the tribes that weren't involved were like,

well, I guess we're going to rebel now. Which brings us to... I think the other tribes were like, well, we are kind of hungry. Well, I mean, also, the tribes that were killing the Brits and chasing them off from the forts were getting really, really rich and powerful

because they're taking over all the muskets and all the forts were getting like really, really rich and powerful because they're like taking over all the muskets and like all the cannons and shit. Oh, so they got all the good shit. Yeah, yeah. I mean like the war loot and shit. Yeah. So they're like,

well, we want in on that. I feel like they're- Also, it's really important to remember like these tribes are definitely going to eventually go to war against one another too.

So they want to be in the best possible position for that. And we have a fort. Yeah. Bitch, we got a fort in a cannon. And we've got these sweet powdered wigs. What do you got?

We have the HMS Beagle. And some guy came out from a portal and handed us this weird rifle from Russia. What's Russia? This brings us to one June day in 17 1763 it was incredibly hot day in michili mackinac and if anyone is not aware chili mac day is definitely a hot day michigan summers are fucking brutally humid like a lot of people just assume that it's like i don't know like a washington summer it's a hellscape of just frozen ice all the time. Filled with bad people. I mean, one of those things is right. Which one?

The bad people. Okay. I figured that one. Michigan summers are actually really fucking hot and really goddamn humid to the point it kind of feels like you're living in soup. So I can't imagine how miserable it is. Human broth? Yeah. I can't imagine how awful that is before air conditioning because it

kind of sucks when we had air conditioning. Now imagine enduring that wearing layers of wool because that's what the Brits were doing. I'm not really sure why I'm explaining how shitty Vidae is, but just try to imagine you're a British soldier on guard. And you look really good to the brown people. You look really tasty. Would you eat a British soldier?

I don't think I would. If I was a part of the rebellion? Yeah, I think I would. I could eat everything once. That's for sure. That's my rule. I feel like I... What we're saying is this podcast stands for cannibalism. It's pro. We're pro cannibalism.

Lions led by donkeys come for the podcast. Stay for the long pig. A group of natives approached this fort, which is not uncommon. I feel like human would be tough. So maybe you could turn it into a roast, make them real tender. Now, I don't want to get into that. I just know I probably wouldn't eat.

I wouldn't want to make any lingua with humans, I guess. I don't know. Ugh, that face meat. That's barbacoa, right? Yeah. No, I probably wouldn't eat like... I wouldn't want to make any lingua with humans, I guess. I don't know. Ugh. That face meat. Ugh. That's barbacoa, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Ooh, we can do... Lingua's tongue. Yeah, I feel like tongue on a human would be bad. What would be good on a human? Probably legs and butt. That'd be make good roast, I think. Yeah. Ooh, the backstrap.

Maybe. I don't know. How much do they lift? We're going to move on from this. No, I can't do a dude that does too much muscle because then it won't be that tender. It'll be chewy. Yeah. Nobody wants to eat some chewy.

I got to have a chilled out guy. I mean. Doesn't do much. Just give me your laziest soldier. I want to eat the fat bastard. Who's your laziest shit bag? Is all this getting cut? Now, imagine you're on guard on this fort,

and you know there's kind of a rebellion going on. But the people in the fort have a good relationship with the locals around that garrison. Natives routinely come into the fort to trade, because remember, Amherst made them. It made those trips to the fort mandatory for a functioning native economies i honestly i think at least one of the forts got really good with the tribe around them because they're like do you don't let them rebel against us now uh by all accounts that is mishilly mackinaw like um

all of the the written accounts were like they were all pretty cool with the natives or at least to their face i mean the natives could have been biding their time well they did that dumb shit they're like hey what's up homes and they're like trying to be cool with them and they're like and like go for the try to have like a fancy handshake yeah maybe go for the handshake but the hug but the hand like they didn't know what to do natives like fucking white people yeah or or like one of their wives like look i have a bead in my hair. Just one like look. Like that friend that you know that went to Arizona for like two weeks.

Oh my God. Now, the natives were not there to trade. They were actually there to hang out and play a game called Bagateway, which I may be pronouncing kind of wrong. Which is really similar to lacrosse. So I'll just call it lacrosse. And I didn't know a better place to get the history of this game than the website for Major League Lacrosse, which is actually a professional league that exists, which I found out.

Yeah, I had no idea. Do you ever play lacrosse? I have not. So Bag It Away was more than a game. It was a religious activity that the natives believed the game was given to them by the creator. Uh, the player's equipment would be prepared by shamans and the result,

the game would thought would be controlled by spirits. Their sticks looked kind of like today's sticks, uh, lacrosse sticks, but the ball was made out of deer leather and stuffed with deer hair. Um, that sounds forgiving. Now it doesn't actually say deer hair.

It just says hair. I'm going to assume it's from the deer. It actually sounds like it doesn't hurt when you get pelted with it. Not as bad as a modern lacrosse ball, which will fucking kill you. Oh, my God. Now, if you're wondering why soldiers wanted to sit around and watch a weird religious ball game, well, it was the 1700s, and life was boring and brutally short. Like, what the fuck else were you going to do?

Most of these dudes are probably illiterate. They couldn't even go and read a book. I already jacked it 10 times today. I guess I'll watch that. The spirit is willing, but the skin is spongy and bruised. Like, what the fuck were they going to do? Also, this game kind of sounds fun as hell. Like, lacrosse is fun.

So these goals could be anywhere from five yards away to six miles from one another. What? Yeah. That's not a game. There was no out of bounds lines. And whatever rules happened to be playing that day were totally up into the air until the match started. Kind of like house rules for beer pong. There's just like a rough outline

agreed before everybody started beating the shit out of each other i pictured charlie mcdennis from the start fucking bitch gentlemen suck my dick yeah uh like i also assumed like no no that's against the rules we already we agreed house rules you can't do that like we never agreed on that go fuck yourself. I assume that it all just comes down to prison rules every time. Everybody's just beating the shit out of each other. Yeah, from the start, as soon as, and go. They just start hitting each other with the sticks.

Yeah. Also, everybody was drinking, so everybody was pretty drunk, and everybody that wasn't playing was betting on the game. Sounds fucking awesome, honestly. I would watch this game. I would definitely shirk my guard duties and watch this game i've shirked my guard duties for significantly less uh matches were full contact brutal affairs kind of like how lacrosse is now minus all the frosted tips and rape accusations also there is no pads oh because why would there be that's true don't eat them and uh unlike today it could last from sun up to sun down i think it may have only been a spectator activity that like

a soldier in the 1700s would have seen other than some kind of public execution i don't think i'd watch the six mile game though no you definitely like what's going on on that end? Yeah. No clue. Because the transmission will take days to get there. Sending a runner back and forth. Yeah, they might die. Yeah. Someone just got hit in the head with a stick and they're twitching a lot.

Oh, man, I missed it. That was two weeks ago. Oh. Now, the game attracted hundreds of natives from the local tribes. Because remember, it's a religious activity. Also, they get drunk and bet on it. Why wouldn't they go? Now, watching them from the garrison was all these soldiers. They were in the

command of Major George Etherington, a British officer who had actually been born in the Americas, and at 30 years old, there's a good chance he never actually saw the country that he was part of the army of. Etherington fought in the French and Indian War, but he was apparently a the army of um etherington fought in the french and indian war but he was apparently a bit of a dumbass um so etherington was in was the commandant of this

fort and was in charge of local trade so he probably should have noticed that several hundred more hatchets and axes had been brought into the fort in the preceding weeks and months now these weapons are supposedly for trade but they never sold that's not suspicious. I guess I should point out that the only people who would have been buying them were natives. Instead, they did not. If I was a soldier and I started seeing a shit ton of hatchets come in, I'd be like, hmm, weird. I'd get out of there.

Instead, they remained. I started learning French. Now, when things went unsold and the natives went home at the end of the trading day, they stayed in the fort. There's just hundreds of weapons in the fort now. So they stayed in the fort? Yeah. Why? Were they allowed to? No, because if they brought... Well, yes. No, the weapons, not the natives. Because if they went home

and brought all their goods, they could trade elsewhere. So they left them in the fort. As if we dictate where you put your goods, we dictate where you can trade. That sounds like a backfire coming up. You know some soldiers like, man, there's an awful lot of hatchets in here. All of a sudden, Edrington's like,

shut up, peasant. Fuck, fine. You idiot. Also, there's this one site that sells really cool hatchets where you can get designs on them, like a heart or something. I was thinking about getting one. I had my unit give me a hatchet during my last deployment.

Those aren't the cool ones, though. No, they're not cool. The tactical hatchets aren't cool. There's no such thing as a tactical matte black hatchet. Exactly. Yeah. Which is why there's air quotations in that. I have one, though.

The only thing I ever used it for was throwing it at the wall. I'd use it for like opening an mre bot now he also missed a few other cues that should have tipped him off for something french canadian traders had told etherington that they heard like a lot of uh from a lot of different natives that they're planning on killing brits who were stationed at the fort etherington did not trust the frenchman, despite one of the traders who had... It was snitch.

Yeah. Why would you snitch on your bros? Despite one of the traders had warned him as being Charles Legandle, a man who was literally raised by the local tribes and fought with them against the British in the last war. So many of the traders warned him that he said the next person who dared warn him

about this impending doom would be arrested. He doesn't like snitches. You know, this Charles guy was pretty much as native as a Frenchman could be. And even he was like, they're going to kill you. And he's like, no, they're not. We're bros. Yeah. You see what I do?

What do you know about the natives? Fine. They're not going to kill me. I'm really fucking cool with that. Yeah. Another hint that something was off was that the natives who were not taking part in the game were off on the sidelines, were not drinking, as is tradition, and they're wrapped in thick blankets. Remember, it's fucking June. This part will become important later. Almost like they're hiding in thick blankets. Remember, it's fucking June. This part will become important later.

Almost like they're hiding something. Yes. Now, all of this is really dumb. You think they're doing paces? What? For their mortars? Calling ye old mortars. No.

I'm going to have to say no. Now, this whole thing is dumb. What happened next takes the fucking cake. Because without this next step, none of it would have worked. So this is like on a cake of dumb. This is the frosting on the cake. I don't know. I'm not good with cake metaphors.

Neither am I. I don't know why you went with cake metaphor. It was there. I went for it. I took it. Yeah. So the Ojibwe tribe invited the Brits out of the fort to watch the game up close. Ojibwe. Ojibwe. It was there. I went for it. I took it. So the Ojibwe tribe invited the Brits out of the fort

to watch the game up close. Ojibwe. Ojibwe. Ojibwe, okay. They invited the people from the fort, mostly Etherington and his main command element.

Like, hey, you're kind of far away. Why don't you come watch the game up close? Down here with us. Front row seats. Woo! Yeah. Now, this is not just the game up close? Down here with us. Front row seats. Woo! Yeah.

Now, this is not just any game of lacrosse, mind you. This game, according to the natives, was a game in honor of the birthday of the King of England, which it was. It was the birthday of the King of England. Good planning. Etherington placed a bet on one of the teams to win and decided, this seems legit,

and led his handful of men outside the fort, about 35 of them, leaving the gate wide open. He then sat down on the grass amongst the native crowd, which had to be around 500 people. Jesus Christ. Selling peanuts and shit. So if you were to guess what happens next, what do you think? Can I go with eating? Consume? So the native sitting next to Etherington just unhinges a John Swallow so he can play a thought?

This is our fort now. Almost immediately, exactly what you thought was going to happen began to happen. The people playing the game hit the ball towards the fort. It bounced right through the open gate. The players then chased after it, storming the fort. Yeah, they can consider that an attack. Holy shit.

Everybody's just watching. I'm like, oh, they're still playing. There's no out of bounds line, right? Weird. They're coming right in here. Yeah. So those people wrapped in the blankets shed their coverings, revealing that they're concealing knife axes and tomahawks.

M60 machine guns. Dual wheel. I got my trusty M60 right here. One guy has a flamethrower on his back. They then begin to hand those weapons out to the people around them, and then they begin to slaughter and butcher the people who are outside.

I can imagine some of the soldiers like, they're still playing, right? This game's really weird as a tomahawk just comes into the side of your head. I feel like this is a penalty! Fuck! The men who ran into the fort

armed themselves with a cache of weapons that sat unsold, and the massacre began to spread into the fort. We know this because an eyewitness actually survived to write about it. Alexander Henry was a young English fur trader, watching as the natives slaughtered every single British person

they came across, once again sparing the French. He really risked it by watching. I would have been running. Well, he was inside of a fort. I would have been fucking out of there, dude. Henry watched this and ran to the cabin of Charles, the French guy that we talked about earlier, asking for help, begging him for help because he knew he wasn't going to come to his cabin.

Charles literally poked his head out from the door and go, what do you want me to do about it? And then closed the door and locked it. I don't know, let me in. You think he saw one of his native bros? What's up, man? I'm taking a nap. We got one over here.

He's being a bitch. Thankfully for Henry, Charles' slave hid him in the attic. What? Yeah. I mean, it's the 1700s. I would... If I was a slave,

I would not fucking hide him. Here he is. Take him. Yeah, I would be a little worried about that myself because if the natives find out I've been hiding one, like maybe we're forfeit now. I think they'd eat me.

I think you're at least going to catch a tomahawk between the eyes. Bye, Henry. It's been good. But Charles' slave had a head ring in the attic where he watched all of his friends and family get slaughtered and scalped, which I'm sure did not impact him in any negative way. No, he's probably just been like, brutal game.

They're still playing the game, right? Like, this is all game? Who's winning? Not the British! I don't know who's winning, but we're definitely losing. Henry was eventually captured, but his life was spared when the natives who took part in the attack recognized him as a friend.

The other seven people who were captured with him, however, were executed and yeeted into a river. That ain't. Yeah. The other seven people who were captured with him, however, were executed and then yeeted into a river. That ain't so bad. Yeah, I mean, at least you didn't get eaten. Yeah.

Maybe it was a cold river. No, I mean, they're dead already. It really doesn't matter. Oh, okay. Yeah. I thought they were still alive. I mean,

they might be bleeding out. So, like, I don't think getting dunked into a cold river is on the top of the list of things they're worried about. They're probably worried about the sucking chest that they have filled with

river water. I'd Rambo it. In what way? Black powder, you know. Oh, God. I forgot that he did that. Yeah, he did do that. Remember we covered Rambo? I tried to forget about it. Yeah, we gotta cover it again.

They spilled first blood. Shut up, Henry. Now for Major Etherington. He was also captured, because they recognized that he was in charge. The natives wanted to kill him, but recognized a major as someone who'd be worth a pretty high ransom. He's eventually ransomed from one tribe to another, before eventually making his way back to the British Army. other before eventually making his way back to the British army. And because officers really only exist to kill their subordinates due to their incompetence,

nothing really ever happened to him. Despite the fact he lost his entire command due to a lacrosse game, he would go on to get promoted and lose an entire other command to the French in a war in 1779. He wasn't punished for that either. You think after all that, he was like, yeah,

I bet it on that one team. I don't think they won i don't i don't know who won but uh a lot of my friends didn't come back yeah now if you've ever been to mackinac michigan you'll realize that one of the main roads cutting through there is called etherington it's named after him i think anybody's been to mackinac oh i definitely have okay it's it's a pretty big tourist actually. As far as tourist spots go in Michigan. It just is. It's pretty cool. But yeah, the main drag

is called Etherington. It's named after him. Nice. It's literally a monument to his incompetence. Here's a road. Yeah. As for Pontiac's rebellion, like many other native rebellions, is eventually crushed by overwhelming military force as thousands of British soldiers were eventually deployed to destroy it in the

coming year. Pontiac surrendered as a plague swept through the native community, devastating them and destroying their world to fight. But only 13 years later, many of those same tribes and warriors that had helped slaughtered the British joined forces with them to fight a common enemy, the rebellious American colonies. And that's where we end our episode today.

I like this one. Yeah. This is a good one. Like I said, I take as a lot of joy talking about native populations destroying their colonizers. Oh, yeah, dude. And if they can do it through a fun ball game.

That was a good plan. Like, you know, on all the planning like this isn't really gonna fucking work man oh god it's working it's actually working yeah there's like fuck it let's just try holy shit now uh before we go into our end of episode spiel here um we're gonna go to our questions from the Legion. Now, I actually got a... We still have any of that. Okay. The music is just the sound of a human being being...

Aztec death whistle. Being consumed, yeah. Oh. It's the human being slowly eaten. So we got a whole bunch of questions here, because right before we started recording, I messaged the Discord. Can the questions from the discord can the uh

questions from the legion be the world war one whistle oh the last whistle you'll ever hear before you get chewed up by a fucking maxim yeah yeah that sounds good so um our question is um of all the shows that you've done and events you've covered which event

stands the biggest fuck up if you had to quantify in terms cause of most deaths and the biggest fuck up if you had to quantify in terms cause of most deaths and the biggest defeat fuck ups per square meter or uh so i'm actually uh gonna answer my opinion on that one is to go all the way back i think before we even had a producer and before most of you were even listening we covered um uh was it uh fucking the general um god it's killing me now i can't remember his name there's a soviet general that ordered the the attack into grozny while he was drunk oh that fucking guy yeah yeah and we have that sweet picture of him yeah he looks hammered yeah i know what you're talking about um i was definitely

gonna go with early episodes too after researching uh our own podcast i remember his name is pevel gratchev there we go yeah uh he was he or he got torn up i think on his birthday or new year's on the two and ordered the attack uh the main russian attack into grozny during the first chechen war and got several thousand of his own troops slaughtered yeah um and of course face no repercussions what would yours have to be i'd have to go with the psalm for sure that's that's a classic it's a classic line it's goal though it, but at the cost of a shit ton of lives. Like 10% of the entire British Army. Oh, man.

You got to love strictly ordering your soldiers to march like a parade field into a machine gun. Yeah. Don't run. Only walk. Yes. So thank you, everybody, for tuning in. Thank you for supporting the show. If you think what we do is worth a dollar, you can throw it to us on Patreon.

One dollar gets you access to the Discord. You can ask us a question for a question from Legion. Gets you access to one bonus episode a month. Five dollars more gets you access to all that plus one more bonus episode a month. A copy of my book, The Hooligans of Kandahar. And even more than that, at the $10 level, you get all of that plus a sticker.

So look that up on Patreon. The link will be in the show notes. Stickers are badass. They're on my fucking laptop and I get questioned at work all the time about it. I get really weird looks whenever I'm on planes because the sticker's on my laptop. Oh yeah, dude.

So you can follow us on Twitter at lions underscore bike and follow me at jcas99. Follow Nick at nickcasm1. We also play Call of Duty. Yeah, and you can go on our Twitter account and see our stupid usernames. Activision.

Yeah, Activision usernames. Which are fucking, I think they're fixed now. Because before when we first tried it, they were pretty horse shit. Oh yeah, I think they fixed it so we can actually play together. So until then,

hit us up, and see you next time.