Lions Led By Donkeys Podcast - *PREVIEW* The Battle of Palmito Ranch

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

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Hey everyone, what you're about to listen to is a preview of a bonus episode that is available on our Patreon. If you like this clip, you can grab the whole episode, as well as years of other bonus content, at www.patreon.com slash lions led by donkeys. The Confederacy had not actually officially ended, but... I mean, what's the most Southern thing you can do except get a little fruity with it? Try to be like a southern belle for just a day to try it on. He's just like doing that fucking like Bobby Hill thing from King of the Hill when he turns into a southern gentleman. I mean, you would like to think that Jester Jefferson Davis would have tried to just not

be obligated to say a word, but if he had, what you realize is that he would have effectively been the first incarnation of the mayor bee voice. What do I do to Claire? And a higher register than that. My voice is kind of fucked from a, I don't know what kind of fake asthma cough plus vaping too hard I've got, but it's the life of being me Vaping your asthma medication Someone get me an ice tea this flowers wilton

Fanning himself surrounded by Union soldiers like miss mr. Davis. We know that's you you can stop now Who said I wanted to stop? You know as a really quick aside there was an article about I wanted to stop? As really quick aside, there was an article about, I want to say it was probably about 10, 15 years ago, where a guy recounted his experiences going to a very rural town in Brazil that was populated by a lot of descendants of Confederates who fled to South Side. Oh yeah, the Confederados. Yeah. And he had actually interviewed these people in the early 80s where there were still people

who could remember their grandparents who were Confederates. They were adults when they left and they spoke English, but it was like kind of passed down, hand me down English. And he was like, you cannot fathom how syrupy the accent is. So strange. It's like DJ, I mean, he didn't use this term, but basically it's like you take my grandpa's fucking depression era Mississippi Delta accent

and then have DJ Screw do a treatment on it. Like that's genuinely, it was just like, oh y'all, down in the south, it's getting so hot in daytime. But they also speak Portuguese. Just surreal. And their grandkids are now making ballet funk under artist names like MC Bin Laden. I really like the idea that descendants of Confederate, like people who ran from the Confederacy can now hang out with people who ran from Nazi Germany, like the descendants of Nazis and everybody can just pal around.

But you know what? The Confederacy was all about the liberal ideal of property rights applying to human beings and you know that these descendants have redeemed themselves because they have one pirated copy of Fruity Loops and they will never buy a license. So you know what, like in a way we know the Confederacy lost, at least in Brazil. Oh shit, that's me when I'm 16. However, our story takes us far away from all of that,

specifically Brazil, I guess, as well, but to a land that is always different. And by different, I mean stubborn, backward as shit, and always up its own ass. Texas. Texas. Yeah, fair enough. Woo-wee!

I'm sure a lot of people are mad at me about that. Fuck you, Texas. I hate you. Texas is just, here's the thing. It's got some good things. It's got a lot of bad things. But it's just, it's so... I just feel like people have notions of Texas

and it's like depending on if they've been there or not. And it's like the panhandle is a different country to even East Texas, even places like a, well certainly East Texas, even like West Texas, like El Paso is very different than like the fucking, the sort of like place where there's nothing but highways and tornadoes and the panhandle, but like compare El Paso with Houston or Corpus.

Texas is an interesting place where a lot of people say a lot of things about it and they're almost always true Yeah, I mean there's amazing cultural stuff that's come out of Texas and also like the place where no culture exists Dallas is a major city like so it's just like like I fucking hate Dallas It's a fucking it's a fucking you know Why they filmed Robocop in Dallas was because they want we need sterile future city that looks like shit even though it's modern. They're like, we've got the perfect place. I know we're setting this in Detroit, but we want it to look worse. Detroit, Detroit seems more home-like.

Yeah. I lived in Texas for a very long time. And I say this full throatedly, there are things I like about Texas. I shit on Texas all the time, but everything I shit on Texas for you also deserve that. Fuck Texas. And I lived in Alaska, worse Texas. What if Texas was cold? Yeah, Arctic Mississippi.

So like I said, the army lets you go to great places like Texas, Alaska, Oklahoma. And weirdly, most of these, well not Alaska, relevant to the Confederacy for some reason. I think I told this story on the show before, but when I got sent to Fort Hood, I was stationed in Kentucky at the time at Fort Knox and they were like, Joe, you got orders. I was like, oh, thank God, I'm finally leaving Fort Knox. And like, you want to know where it is? I'm like, anywhere but Fort Hood, I don't give a fuck and they're like bad news, buddy

Like god damn it. I like I'd rather go to Afghanistan. I really go to Iraq. I'd rather go fucking anywhere Don't send me to Fort Hood I mean, I think I told you the story right that I when I quit the special forces course I got four options. They were Fort Hood Fort Bliss Fort Sill Sill, or rather, Fort Hood, Fort Bliss, Fort Riley, Kansas, or Korea. And not just Korea, Camp Casey, the worst place in the army. I picked Korea. It's still a better choice than any of those. Yeah, exactly. Probably better than Texas.

They just need to adopt bimmbop in Texas. Oh, there's plenty of bimmbop. There's no shortage of that. And there's fucking great, great, great Vietnamese food in Texas too. Texas has a lot of good food if you want to fucking eat yourself to death, I will say that. Second to none. Probably the best Vietnamese food you'll have in America, or at least aside from California, neck and neck, are going to be the hardest core Trump voters you've ever met. Now, specifically, we're going to remote Texas, which back then was all of Texas, but down to the southernmost part where the Rio Grande meets the Gulf on a small island known

as Brazos Santiago, more commonly known as Brazos Island. And if there are any Texans listening, it's that place you go to in the summer that you never tell your future loved ones what you did there after you woke up. Not quite South Padre, maybe you couldn't afford to get to South Padre, but oh well. Brazos had been taken by the Union during the war and there were around 2,000 Union soldiers stationed there, mostly black soldiers of the 62nd and 87th US Colored Infantry. And we've talked about that before before it's not my word for them It's what the US government called them at the time moving on

There was also soldiers from Indiana there as well as a few loyal Texan volunteers who signed up with the Union to be cavalrymen But had never been given horses but I do assume they had the one thing that every soldier in American military history has. A tattoo of the state of Texas somewhere on their body. Listen, as having recently been on a trip to Switzerland to probably get one of the best tattoo collections with like photos of tattoos from like the 50s until the late 90s and a lot of them in the US. I can confirm they were doing this back then as well.

Man, I don't think I've ever met a soldier from Texas that did not have a Texas flag or the outline of the state of Texas tattooed on them to include one man who knows shit had a full Texas tramp stamp. It was incredible. Does the panhandle go down the crack? Oh no, it's like the part that we're talking about today would kind of just be sitting just above his belt line and then it went up to his mid-back. Oh, okay. If we're using the human body as a map in the specific circumstance, yeah.

Right, okay. So yeah, so the Rio Grande, is right near the ass, but it's not actually like a full on tramp stamp. It doesn't say, remember the Alamo and then jumpers hit it. It's an airborne joke for the airborne people. They'll get it. Everyone else will be like, what the fuck are you talking about, Nate? If we're going to use this example for the, it's fully in back shot territory. Yeah, I was thinking about that. Like it's funny to me to think that-

Back shots. Back shots, yeah, Texas back shots. Yeah, yeah. It's a- Texas back shots when you pull out and spit tobacco juice. Yeah, Texas- Pull out and aim for the Rio Grande. Yeah, Texas back shots is basically,

it's like a fake out when you think you're, you get a satisfying climax and instead you get covered in Texas Pete red hot chili sauce. They love fucking around like that. Like to get a little weird about it.