Lions Led By Donkeys Podcast - *Unlocked* Rambo (2008)

Episode Date: April 30, 2020

We take a walk down white savior lane as Rambo kills more people than an atomic weapon. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/lionsledbydonkeys

Hello and welcome to a bonus episode of the Lions Led by Donkeys podcast. Yeah, it's us. We're doing the Rambo thing. We're doing Rambo. I wish we could have done a better Rambo. You know, I feel like it was a good idea to do this Rambo, Rambo 4, or John Rambo, or Rambo from 2008, or the one Sir Vester Stallone movie where he reminds boomers that Myanmar is in fact a country, despite the fact he calls it Burma like the whole time.

And they changed the name of that country decades ago. But, uh, we, we picked this month to do it and this will come up sometime in September. There'll be the second, uh, bonus episode that comes out in September,

but because the new Rambo movie came out, the, the racist version of home alone. I haven't watched any of the trailers yet. new Rambo movie came out, the racist version of Home Alone. I haven't watched any of the trailers yet, so I'm kind of just I want to watch it, but without watching the trailers, you know, kind of going in surprised.

It doesn't look good. It doesn't look good. All right. Based off this Rambo, it doesn't look good. Yeah, because this one was over a decade ago, and Stallone Right. Based off this Rambo, it doesn't look good. Yeah. This one was over a decade ago, and Stallone was already looking pretty bad. Oh, yeah. How old is

he now? Fuck, he's gotta be in his 60s. Jesus. 60s or 70s. Something like that. So, this movie, I will give credit where credit is due, in Rambo 4 that unlike pretty much every other Rambo movie where Stallone and the 1980s action movie Magic

turned someone that was just an enemy of the United States into a mustache twirling evildoer that needed to be shot in the face this one actually picked someone a government that is quite legitimately awful. You can

say what you will about the law enforcement community of the Pacific Northwest from Rambo 1. They drew first blood. Yeah, they did. I think the one guy he kills in that movie is an accident like he just was he threw a fucking rock and the pilot went oh the dude was fucking yeah who would have thought that like tens of millions of dollars of aviation machinery

the rest of the fucking department that's all right early retirement baby like with punchy fucking traps oh man i never thought working the beat would be like fucking vietnam yeah i i signed in to just ticket black people and i stepped in a pit full of sharpened sticks yeah uh yeah i mean the the myanmar military um and the military government that in charge, now it's a hybrid of the two. And the Nobel Prize winner who is nominally in charge is just as fucking awful. Like, she is a very good point or very good argument for the ability to revoke a Nobel Prize. I don't know if they can do that. But, yeah, I mean, there's a genocide with the

Rohingya people. And I don't even know how many people have died. I don't think anybody has any idea because how closed off the areas are. But yeah, fuck them. I would actually be totally for just firing Sylvester Stallone into that part of Myanmar and see what happens. See what happens. I mean, I understand that he's a 70-year-old man whose body is made up of mostly steroids at this point, but I'm willing to see what he can do. It's

wide-scale rape, murder, and kidnapping. It's kind of like what you saw during the Congolese Civil War in Africa, where it's not actual offensives or war. It's small groups of psychopaths going out and burning down villages and raping people that's what that movie was yeah

yeah um yeah it's it's awful and the guy who plays the main villain in the movie um muang kim is actually a former korean freedom fighter and witnessed the crimes of the government firsthand and nearly turned down the role because he was afraid the government would kill his entire family. Oh yeah. Uh, which is, I mean,

imagine, um, he did really well. I mean, there's, there's no, yeah. I wonder why he,

he really, uh, he got into the role real hard. It's like, I'm just gonna, it's gonna talk to my family and like, yep, yep.

These guys suck. Uh, I can't imagine how awful that would be. That would be like asking somebody who survived the Sinjar Massacre in Iraq, like, we really want you to play an aces fighter. Like, no, I'm not going to do that. Another thing is they actually tried to film this movie as close to the myanmar coast as they could where did they film it that's actually uh thailand like a lot of it's in thailand um and uh so stallone got dangerously close to myanmar and actually got shot at

how what'd he do they like went into the the territorial waters of myanmar uh which led stallone to pull a trump and call the country a shithole you know why dude you're at a movie production that accidentally invaded another country uh i'm not saying i'm like i'm not standing for the myanmar Junta. Wrong movie. If you're going to wander near the coast of any country to film a movie, the only one I could think of that is worse than Myanmar is North Korea. And he still went there. That's fucking awesome.

So if you're watching this film, I'm sure most people listening have. Otherwise, why are you listening to it? Uh, you probably noticed as this way more fucking violent than all the other Rambo movies. Oh dude. Yeah. Uh,

I mean the other Rambos with the exception of number one had the normal 1980s action movie levels of killing and violence, but very, very little blood. And, uh, like the first one, the guy dies in a helicopter accident yeah uh i mean at one point in like this one rambo kills like of italians with the people the reason for that is while stallone got his movie greenlit he was given an incredibly low budget and uh you would

expect him to get more money because it's like Rambo and he's Sylvester Stallone, but he didn't. So Stallone literally said, quote, I was sitting around in a production meeting looking at our small budget and said, hey, look, fake blood is cheap. So yeah, Rambo turned into the Terminator because of budget constraints.

Really? Yes. I think that was just an excuse for him. It might be, but he didn't have a very big budget. I would expect it to get more money. I think the new one probably got way more money. Oh, yeah.

But also now, 80s nostalgia is... Top Gun 2 is coming out. Yeah, I mean, it's the entire reason that Stranger Things exists is 80s nostalgia and ripping off Stephen King and everything else. But yeah, I mean like there was not a whole lot of that 10 years ago or 11 years ago this movie came out and now to the movie

so the movie opens with a real life highlight reel of Myanmar's army's war crimes against the Korean people and then the moves the movie goes to a convoy of army trucks pushing people out of the back and into a rice field where our main villain, which they never really give a name to. It's in the credits, but his name is never voiced.

Bad guy one. Yeah. Aviator McSmokes a lot. Because he's always wearing aviator sunglasses and chain smoking or attempting to rape children. And Aviator McRape. And sweating. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's the jungle.

Aviator McRapeface is not a nickname I'm going to get behind. Liar pants. So he is watching his soldiers throw a bunch of landmines into the rice paddies and forceful run across them. Just, you know, minefield shuttle sprints. Yeah. It's just the newest. It's the gritty reboot of across them. Just, you know, minefield shuttle sprints. Yeah, it's just the newest. It's the gritty reboot of the Olympics. Oh, yeah.

You either win or you get horribly maimed. When people start to get blown up and freeze in place, he just machine guns them, which seems... It's genocide with extra steps. Yeah, it really is. With that lighthearted opening out of the way, the camera cuts to our hero, John Rambo, who also, would he be significantly less intimidating

if he went by Jonathan or Johnny? Yes, he would be. Yeah, I feel like he would be. I mean, Johnny still kind of passes for a 1980s action hero, but I'm Jonathan Rambo. Okay. I feel like his middle name is probably like Spencer. Jonathan Spencer Rambo. I. I feel like his middle name is probably like Spencer. Jonathan Spencer Rambo.

I'm going with Spencer. I can't think of anything less intimidating than that. Preston. Ooh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. His name is Jonathan Preston Rambo.

Yeah. Sorry for anybody listening, but I mean, come on, come on. You already know. Yeah. Your cards have been dealt.

So he moved to Thailand. And by this point of both Rambo and Stallone's life, his face looks like it's made of a melting candle. It really does. Like it looks like a lot of mashed potatoes with a little bit of rocks. I think some of it's bad or botched plastic surgery. He's kind of always had a bit of Bell. I think some of it's bad or botched plastic surgery. He's kind of always had a bit of Bell's policy going on.

Those three things never just never bounce back. No, he didn't pull a mountain and start being able to use his face again. Yeah.

Also, throughout. I don't know if you noticed this, but I did that the entire movie Rambo was never once dry. He was always fucking either sweaty as shit he's sopping wet

he's a big moist boy like that's why I was actually gonna say like he has a sheen like it's just like all moist when threatened the wild Rambo secretes a poison moistness from its pores small farting noises

I think it's like a broke-ass bodybuilder show type thing. He's like, well, I don't exactly have the physique that I used to, but if I stay really, really shiny, I might look like it. Maybe he's going for the sauna type thing. Except his hair is gross.

It really is. Greasy. I feel like if you just touch him, you're just like, oh, God. He'd be sticky if you touched him. Rambo's doing Rambo stuff, like attempting to wrangle fucking cobras because sure why not that's what he does i feel like there was like a production there's a production meeting where he's like how can i make rambo seem like the most badass guy that you've ever seen well we could make him a mercenary Mr. Stallone no it's wrangled cobras I also want to be humble to begin with he doesn't say a line except like grumbling

yeah for like 10 minutes that's just fucking him he just can't enunciate anymore and I mean Stallone can never enunciate no he never could all the way back to when he was in that porn movie he goes spearfishing and just kind of hangs around with locals who have seemingly accepted the shambling corpse of sylvester stallone as one of their own don't don't don't he'll touch us just

let him do his thing who's the large white man swinging cobras around just don't look directly at him uh it turns out rambo is selling snakes to a snake wrestling show at a local village. Which, sure, I have never been to Thailand. I cannot argue that this is something that exists. This happens in the poorer areas. Like, if we go to LA. I'm just kidding. Everybody in your block is like,

Hey, Nick, you want to come down to the weekend fucking cobra wrangling jamboree what would the la version of cobras be just big fucking rats like what a good little rat boxing yeah oh dude that'd be fucking awesome because those rats don't give a shit i blame the schools yeah uh yeah so he is that's when rambo is spotted by some Westerners. The Westerners would like to rent his boat to cross into Burma, which I have been calling Myanmar because that's what it's called. They pissed me off the whole movie. They're dumb as shit.

Yeah. She tries to conquer Rambo with the power of love. I did notice that. Hold on. I'm going to touch him. Like all the locals. The only human contact that Rambo has throughout the entire movie is people he has killed and one strange church woman. And I really wish that Rambo would have abandoned this group of Westerners to be murdered by the locals.

Like the fucking random evangelical guy that tried to go to the islands off the coast of India and got fucking speared to death. We need more of that. Maybe evangelicals will just shut the fuck up. But no, Rambo's got to go in and save them all. So Rambo warns them that going into Myanmar

is a really, really bad idea because it's in the middle of a rather large multifaceted civil war that puts Game of Thrones to shame. In a wonderful bit of dialogue, Rambo asks him if they're bringing any weapons with them. And of course, they say, of course not. We're a church group.

Then Rambo tells him, we're not going to change anything. And then just kind of grumbles the fuck and walks away. He just grumbles. He's like the cat lady from the Simpsons as she walks away he just grumbles going he's like uh that the cat lady from from the simpsons as she walks she's just like except it's rambo and he just has the snake guy the creepy snake guy and they call him snake man don't they they might yeah or that's interchangeably snake guy and boat man. Yeah. Which is the worst.

Whichever one they want to call him. It's the worst tag team duo. It's true. Snake man and boat guy. And of course, there's a scene where Rambo is randomly banging away at a forge. He happens to have enough straw that he lives in molding a piece of rebar into a fucking knife. It's not. Sorry. it's a it's a boat uh it's a it's a blade for a boat engine either way just just rambo things yeah like if this was

like a place to forge yeah if you're surrounded by dry straw yeah probably not unless his greasiness is all around he's gotta be flamm to be flammable. No, the greasiness. It's just like an added layer of protection. No, Rambo is a grease fire warning. I feel like he just touches the forge. This shit don't hurt. It's like if I could picture a sticker in my head or like a stupid decal. It's like just horse girl things like people put on the back of their truck. It's just Rambo things.

It's like swirly text with butterflies over it. He's got that on the back of their truck it's just rainbow things and it's like swirly text with butterflies over it he's got that on the back of his boat randomly forging rebar into a fucking boat engine piece he didn't execute the quench very well either i don't know if you watch forged in fire but you should i'm i'm glad that now it's a it's a history channel isn't it yes a large group of large white men attempt to forge metal into ninja swords. Yes. I feel like that the only way that they... It's so fucking sweet. Those should only be tested by actual gladiators.

It's tested by this one guy who's apparently an edge expert. How do you become an edge expert? I don't know. What community college course is that? I don't know. I went to DeVry University to major in edge specialty. Yeah. that i don't know i went to devry university to major in edge specialty yeah um every time i watch it i just hear that like a bunch of nerdy like the katana episodes like fucking sweet bro

just neck beard things so fucking sweet like that's not a sure the spartans wouldn't have used that uh anyway back to aviator mcsmoke's a lot he burns down a village and canaps a bunch of kids to be used as a child soldier uh which is his brand uh that actually happens it happens a lot uh it's tragic and i'm not gonna make a joke about that uh because there's no good joke that goes to child soldiers i didn't know if you had a joke lined up for it i mean i guess if you if you're a child soldier and you can retire in 20 years, it's all right. You can retire at 28. So look forward to that new Army strong ad.

Drop out of elementary school list today. Or they'll come and get you. You're going to have some 12-year-old squad leader. I've been in the Army 10 fucking years. You listen to me. What? Rambo finds a member of the church group in his boat which is the uh up the uh it's actually not even like a love interest because rambo doesn't feel love except he might fuck his knife i don't really know i she's just using him definitely

they're like the boat the weird boat guy won't agree. Let's send the one pretty blonde girl to go talk to Rambo. But they don't even agree with it. They're just like, don't talk to him. But she knows what she's doing. And you know he only fucks cobras at this point. Yeah. Fangs and venom still intact. That's actually why his face looks like that.

That's what your face looks like after a prolonged dosage of cobra venom through the tip of your dick. Cobra foreplay. Cobra foreplays you hiss a lot. Yeah. And you have to flare your neck out. And since Rambo has so much extra skin, he actually passes as well as their own. And I hope now for the rest of the movie

that you just picture... Is that why he's known as Snake Guy? The fucking? Yeah, probably. The snake fucking. Rambo fucks snakes is what we're saying. Boat guy. He fucks boats. Okay. That's why he had to repair the blade. For the rest of the movie

and every action scene, just imagine Rambo gyrating back and forth with his hands by his side pretending to be a snake and hissing, trying to pick up ladies. Why is that man hissing at me? He's in the wrong club. So that's when she starts talking to Rambo in the boat and gives her the

sales pitch of why love can conquer all or whatever. And Rambo eventually caves and takes them along for the ride. Fucking idiot. Rambo can't be a smart guy. How many TBIs does this motherfucker have at this point his brain is just a water balloon sloshing back and forth that's why he can't talk at this point in the middle of the night

because Rambo doesn't fucking sleep they come across a group of Burmese pirates who immediately start shooting at them. Rambo stops the boat and tries to reason with them, which is when they spot a blonde lady and prime themselves to go full pirate. So Rambo goes full Rambo,

which is actually, if you roll a dice and it comes up full Rambo, you win every time. And then you get shot in the head by, I believe, a Colt.45. It was. And he guns an entire boat down in one fluid movement. Just Rambo things. And the uppity guy at this point too, he's like

you didn't have to do this. We don't kill people! And he's like, I'm gonna report this. Dude, go fuck yourself. It's a giant floating boat of white savior complex yeah like i was rooting for the pirates yeah what were you gonna do i really wish at this point ram would be like all right pirates i'm with you let's kill these people yeah um they're just gonna bring you bibles

and fucking mres and shit that's horse shit finally rambo delivers the church idiots and their supplies to burma before going back to Thailand and because Rambo is never wrong the village the church group goes to is immediately raided by the Burmese army and they're all captured I have to say this is a weirdly extended scene that shows and this is a list here oh man

rape children being bayoneted about five solid minutes of shelling all while soldiers are running around machine gunning everything this is an action scene that some dude who only plays About five solid minutes of shelling, all while soldiers are running around machine gunning everything. This is an action scene that some dude who only plays Call of Duty would have written. I got a Nain King. Like a Nain King? Like the Rape of Nain King.

Yeah, that's what I'm getting from this. Yeah, except that goes on for six months. Yeah. It's grotesque in its longevity. And I don't think I've ever been like, it's so long. It's just, just a shit ton of like torture porn. It's torture porn is exactly what it is.

Like people insult Eli Roth for making hostile and rightfully, rightfully. So the movie's awful. All three of them are terrible. Yes. There's a third one. Were you aware of that? No.

Yeah. It was so bad that even Eli Roth was involved. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It stopped after kids started killing fucking dudes was involved. Yeah. I stopped after kids started killing fucking dudes for candy in the first. I think that movie was

so bad that Slovakia threatened to sue him. I would. Yeah, I would have. Or at least send a group of bubblegum chewing toddlers that beat him to death with a rock. People shit talk his movies for being torture porn. But like, sure. sure i mean they're

not wrong but this one was worse i they nobody got their eye blood torch out of their head but like it showed a child being bayoneted yeah it did like throwing kids into fire yeah like holy fuck and then i want to hear the pitch for this yeah someone who writes the scene and i've written query letters to agents and publishers before and they're like, okay, explain the scene to me. And you have to explain why it's an integral part of your story. I like the whole neck beard. I like where we're going

with that. Alright, guys. Turns on some sweet music. Machine gun noises. And that's it done i mean i've had to i've had to to sell some pretty dumb action scenes before like a 10 foot tall fire breathing alien fighting somebody with a sword and a fistful of hand grenades that got passed because that my argument was it's cool and they're like okay that checks out but like i want to know like okay so listen it's really important that we underline how evil everybody is and even though

we opened it with literal actual footage of war crimes we need to bayonet some kids for fake now yeah and and just and make sure people know that um that these guys are raping people yes artillery is still coming around and like people are still, but this guy's totally going to pull his dick out and start raping people. Fucking ridiculous. Yeah. All right. I hate this movie so much.

I actually saw this movie in theaters and I'm like- Did you? Yeah. Why? Because I hate myself. We've been through this. And I was like,

it wasn't bad for a Rambo movie, which is like, you know, that's a metric. Some movies can be bad for Rambo movies. Like, Rambo 3, arguably, is a shit movie. It's terrible. Even for a Rambo movie. But at least you see, like, something ridiculous, like a helicopter get shot

down with a bow and arrow. First off, I'm kind of pissed off that in this fourth one, he did not steal a helicopter and fucking fly it. Because that was definitely the criteria for the second and third one. Yeah, yeah. He really I don't think they could afford a helicopter. No, they couldn't. They just afforded some five tons. We got a lot of fake

blood though. So that is when back in Thailand, Rambo was approached by a pastor from the church group. A pastor from the church group. A pastor from the church that the group came from. Fuck that guy, too. Yeah, he sucks.

He informs Rambo the group had gone missing, and he was hiring mercenaries to go rescue them. The pastor just needs Rambo to bring them to the exact spot where he had dropped off the group. Enter another Rambo forge scene, and Rambo is forging yet more more rebar where the fuck is he getting all this rebar into a knife yeah into his machete yeah it's like first off it's pretty nice yeah as far as rebar knives go I've seen worse yeah

I mean I would just sharpen one end of it make a big pointy stick but you know what I imagine he was just like hitting metal like I don't I don't know how much rebar goes into one knife but he was only I mean he is an endless maybe he gets paid in rebar oh

I brought you six snakes that is one piece of rebar you know our bundle of rebar it's a rebar gig economy he eats rebar it's uber but for cobras yeah just more beaten on on hot metal and getting moisture oh god rambo and the mercenary set off uh and they just continuously shit talk rambo for being the

boatman and uh like the whole time and like i understand that one one guy's entire point I think he's a former SAS guy or royal marine or whatever that his whole point is to be the British guy who takes the piss out of people like that's his whole job but like he's getting up in his face and Rambo is bigger than everybody on that

boat so I don't know how fucking dumb these special operations guy is and if there's one thing I've learned in my life is that the special forces guys are way dumber than I ever thought possible. So like maybe, but they Rambo is still fucking Rambo. Like I wouldn't shit talk Sylvester Stallone. If he came into this room right now,

this podcast and immediately changed how great this movie is i think without pause yeah like oh and anyway mr mr rambo mr do we call you rocky okay okay how do you spell that? Adrian isn't here. He sounds like a geriatric man coming. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. But yeah, he just shits out. The whole point is like the boat's moving

and Rambo is getting shit talked. That's his job. Without saying anything. Yeah, that's his job. He's doing you a solid. Yeah, it's the Rambo roast live on a boat in the middle of some fucking river or whatever

and then they finally get into the into the area and they land and meet with some Corinne freedom fighters and the and Rambo grabs his bow and arrow and his knife and all that shit and the mercs refuse to take him with them because he's the boat man

his job the boat man I want's his job, the boat man. I want to know, like, that church group obviously knew how badass this random fucking American was who lived in this snake village and enough to hire him. But so did the church pastor who hired the Mercs to contract Rambo. Did he just forget to pass on that, oh, by the way, this guy is a body count of like 6,000 people. I imagine they probably don't even know, to be honest. They're just like, you know what? This guy speaks English. He has a boat. He knows

the waters. He'll take you. Just give him some rebar. You have to go on the Cobra Uber app and pay him in rebar points. Do you think he would get Cobras and like, like skates and have them like fucking he would ride. Dude,

that'd be the shit. I don't think Cobras move fast enough for that to matter. Like the snake guy, you can make it. He moves at two Cobra speed. Yeah. I look forward to the 2019 version of Rambo where he's actually just a, a Congressman from Texas with a book deal that talks about how much he hates

brown people. Well, I think in the new one, he's just the ranch guy. Yeah, he is. He's fighting the cartel or some dumb shit. Okay, cool. So, you know the reason why they had to do that, right? They couldn't make Rambo go back to Afghanistan because he knows all the people were fighting. What up, bro?

Oh shit, it's my boy. But I would pay to see Rambo join the Taliban and become a Shaheed blowing up Kandahar Airfield. Oh, Akbar. Shortest movie ever. And he's just bound back together by steroids and default. Yeah, so he would just walk out of it. It's like the part of Dragon Ball Z

where Majin Buu gets blown up, except it's Stallonebo movie, so he would just walk out of it. It's like the part of Dragon Ball Z where Majin Buu gets blown up, except it's Stallone. He just forms back together. Yeah. Anyway, the Mercs get to the village, meet the current Freedom Fighters, and run off without Rambo. The Mercs get to the village that was razed by the army and then run directly into them because of the worst fucking mercenaries on Earth.

Because if I'm trying to dodge a giant genocidal army, I go directly to the last place they receive. They witness the army start to play their little landmine game again when motherfucking Rambo comes out of nowhere with a motherfucking bow and arrow and starts stacking bodies. fucking Rambo comes out of nowhere with a motherfucking bow and arrow and starts stacking bodies. I think he fires off... He kills four people before anybody fires a shot. Yeah, because they're probably in all like... There's fucking bows and arrows?

I mean, nobody expects to be the guy to die from a bow and arrow. It's like the part in Halfback where I want to be the first guy to die from a crossbow. Yeah. And that's when the mercs want to retreat Go back to the boat because obviously this shit Isn't worth it and Rambo

Holds one at fucking bow point Bow point arrow point Which has to be like simultaneously The most terrifying Because if he slips He's already greasy and sweaty. Yeah, his fingertips have got to be slick. That one guy that he kind of missed on in his leg,

it was because of his slick fucking fingers. He's like, oh, my bad. Can of corn. Can of corn. Can of corn. Yeah, being held at bow point. He says a shitty one line or two. This is what we do and the british guy's like does anybody fucking understand the boat guy this is this dude

did not come with subtitles we understand burmese better than this this is why when they did their whole plan it was during the day but then when they executed it was at night they didn't understand him throughout the whole time he was planning. They kept going, hold on, hold on, hold on. What the fuck am I doing? Square one. Run that past me one more time. Burmese guy, what does he say?

I don't fucking know. Somewhere like the U.S. Green Beret guy's like, don't worry, I speak fluent TBI. Where the fuck is he i went to language school for this so i could talk to my other fucking green beret friends um yeah uh just just just rainbow things yeah little butterflies and sparkles come again uh the group begin to plan the raid on the nearby army camp to grab the church, people in the middle of the night, and pouring rain so Rainbow could get even wetter. He's like a slug. If you leave him out to dry too much, he'll just die.

At this point, he's like a shower. I can only do this if I'm sopping wet, and the level of wetness I am now is not sufficient. We must wait until it is raining. Did you come? He's just constantly coming. He's like a pig. He comes for like six hours. He was talking to everybody and a snake rolled past him. He's like, that's beautiful.

Just look at the way it shimmies. What is he looking at? I think we somehow made Rambo scarier by putting a sex predator cat away. For snakes. Snakes are like, oh fuck. He's this sex pest for South Asia's

snake population. Rambo is cancelled. I think we just cancelled Rambo. So inside the camp the soldiers are all drinking, getting high and in various states of sexually assaulting various people at various times. Like... We get it.

Yeah. Like, get it. Like, holy shit. Fuck man. Like how many times can you highlight something before you just color it yellow?

Oh yeah. And then one of the fucking church people, the dude looks at him and goes, put them with the pigs. The pigs eat them. The pigs eat this guy. Maybe that was the point. Like, holy shit

you gotta channel your inner fucking snatch fucking big Tony guy whoever his name is bullet to Tony feed him to the pigs Errol yeah you do it you know how many pigs in Burma it takes to eat a man

this many yeah like fuck man we get it at this point I'm expecting In Burma, it takes to eat a man? This many. Yeah, like, fuck, man, we get it. At this point, I'm expecting him to don aviators and summon Satan. That would have been cool. Yeah, the surviving church group and the Karen civilians are all rescued one by one. But not before Rambo sneaks up behind a soldier who is in the process of you guessed it raping someone and then literally tears out his throat with his

bare hands it was fucking awesome but just enough time for him to turn around and make eye contact like what my throat not this one and then dead it's the dumbest fucking scene I think I've seen in almost any action movie.

And while you're watching it, you're totally calling it. You're calling it because he has this claw ready. It's the claw! Be afraid of the claw! And he just goes for the throat like like a snake! Like a snake! I learned this from my wife. He channeled his fucking inner liar liar

and gave him the claw. Yeah, he's sitting there doing this. I'm a snake. I assumed he would just, I don't know, get throat stabbed because, again, he has a rather large knife on him. He does. And you know, I was expecting Rambo 2 style killing

where he was a straight up mud person hiding in mud and then he opens his eyes it's just nice pearly whites and he just stabs stabs stabs stabs a guy I have been really lazy on patrols before about no one's ever gonna overlook a man covered in mud leaning against the wall or a really dusty guy

on the side of the road oh fuck the only explanation for that is they were all just drunk as shit on boot polish. I don't know, dude. So Rambo rescues that church member and they run to escape. And they're eventually seen by two soldiers who immediately turn to shoot at them. And immediately get domed by the one merc who stuck around with the sniper rifle.

First of all, holy fuck. This guy's sniper rifle. The Barret. Yeah, it's a Barret.50 cal. It is a anti-material weapon that I don't think anybody would lug around. It's not materializing their fucking heads. Yeah, it's like the ultimate Call of Duty boy weapon. Also, the only thing missing was him hopping up and down

at the end of the road trying to no-scope people. Yeah. He's probably doing it. Yeah. And then afterwards, he's like, wait, wait, Rainbow, I can't go yet. He runs over and starts fucking rubbing his dick against the bloody remnants of the road trying to no-scope people. He's probably doing it. Yeah, yeah. And then afterwards, he's like, wait, wait, Rainbow, I can't go yet. He runs over, starts fucking rubbing his dick against the bloody remnants of the fucking Myanmar soldiers.

Yeah. This movie was written by people with only a very vague understanding of weapons. It's the neckbeard guys that are just... No, I didn't see one Desert Eagle. That's because they didn't fashion it.

They didn't have the money for it. He's eventually going to forge one out of rebar. Pretty much. Now, Rambo, the girl, and the sniper all run off, and that is when Rambo discovers the mercs have all abandoned them because they've rescued a couple, which is really weird. Because Rambo ran out of time. He did run out of time,

but at the same time, like at that point, did you want to piss this guy off? You know, he's not going to die. Yeah. He's the fucking, he's Terminator with a weird face.

Um, yeah. I mean, friendship with mercenaries canceled new friend with church girl. Uh, now the army camp is waking up after a whole bunch of people got shot and had their throat ripped out and stabbed after a long night of, you know,

rape and find out dozens of people are dead. They begin to include one of the child soldiers that Rambo killed, who happened to be the boyfriend of aviator Mick Smokes a lot. There's a lot of layers here. Yeah, there is.

Uh, yeah. Rambo is well known to be the onion of film. Except when you peel it. Every time you peel it, it's just more dead people. Super moist onion layers. It's an awesome blossom, but every layer is war crimes.

I want a blossom right now. Uh, they begin to mount their trucks and start chasing after Rambo. era's war crimes. I want to blossom right now. They begin to mount their trucks and start chasing after Rambo. To be honest, the dickhead Mark was right when they said this would happen. He's like, if we raid the camp, they're just going to come

fucking chase us and they have a whole battalion. Rambo's like, and then they go and do it and then they immediately get chased by a fucking battalion full of soldiers. They're getting fucking jumped. I'm starting to feel like Rambo isn't the best tactician. Soldiers stream into the jungle and the asshole Baltimore steps on a landmine, shredding his leg to fucking ground meat, which good. Fuck that guy. As everybody stops to take care of him, more and more soldiers show up.

stops to take care of him more and more soldiers show up the sniper discovers the soldiers are tracking them with dogs and takes a piece of cloth from the church lady and ties it around his boot before running off in a different direction to distract them also I know I keep calling this person church lady

it just reminds me of Dana Carvey's church lady skit from SNL oh my god that would have been better every time somebody gets raped or banned Reminds me of Dana Carvey's church lady skit from SNL. Oh my God. That would have been better. Every time somebody gets raped or banned at it, she's like, oh, are you with Satan?

That would have been better. And then, no, they are. Because you're not the church lady. You're just going to die. So Rambo plants a claymore against an old unexploded bomb from World War II. This fucking scene. This is like the scene from fucking Boondock Saints where he's like, they got your fucking rope right here because like so much shit has passed by now

that you just don't expect to see anything this dumb. But then they find what is apparently an unexploded goddamn nuke when the explosion goes off. Yeah. Oh, look, it's Fatboy. A giant mushroom cloud that flattens the jungle. I mean, I don't know a lot about ordnance disposal. I'm not an EOD guy. I'll never claim that.

I literally attempted to fuse an IED by kicking it once. Don't come to me about intelligent tanks about bombs, but I feel like propping a Claymore against one of these bombs. I don't think it'll do it. I don't know if this will work

because one, Claymores are a directed explosive, one that he points decidedly away from the bomb because it has to be triggered where it says, surprise, surprise, front towards enemy. Right. And it has to be triggered by the coming soldiers. You read that part. Yeah. So it explodes towards the soldiers. Maybe he wasn't expecting the bomb to go

off. I'll just take care of a few of them with this claymore. That surprised me as much as everybody else. Holy fuck. That was a with this claymore. That surprised me as much as everybody else. Holy fuck. That was a really big claymore. Yeah. Actually, that part makes a lot more sense. That Rambo's so fucking brain dead,

he's like, that's a weird looking rock. Metal rock, cool. That's pretty rad, bro. But yeah, he turns to Claymore. Yeah, he turns the jungle there into Hiroshima momentarily. The army catches up with the mercs at the boat they're trying to use as a getaway. And they start beating the shit out of them for once again. A very long time.

It's a shitty getaway boat when you realize that these guys have actual boats. Yeah, they have like a brown water navy. Yeah. It's like, quick, everybody get in the rickshaw. Yay. This outboard motor has two horsepower. Don't worry, it's my old lawnmower engine.

What's the armor rating for these shitty wood slats? And then Rambo once again appears out of fucking nowhere. He machetes off a guy's head who is manning a.50 cal machine gun. Oh, the point blank. And then aims a gun directly down into the truck to point at the driver and the guy next to him and turns him into hamburger meat. Dude gets fucking molested by.50 cal.

And then he turns the machine gun onto the gathering of soldiers quickly being joined by a sniper uh fun fact the script originally called for rambo to hold the 50 cal machine gun in his hands that would have been fucking badass and run through the jungle mowing down the burmese army wherever he went but fully, the gun weighs well over 100 pounds. And even though Stallone, the juice to the fucking gills, could pick it up and run around with it, he could not fire it because he attempted to and it blew out of his fucking

hands. Like something out of a goddamn cartoon. I want to be in that meeting. He's like, I can do it. Yeah. And like whatever fucking... You already know that what the outcome could happen they have some kind of military advisor on sets like that's not a good idea i guarantee you if it's like me i'd be like i kind of want to see what's gonna happen yeah he's not like yeah sure sylvester go

ahead i honestly don't know what would happen so let's try yes i've never seen anybody dumb enough to try this and i mean it's a hollywood blank so it's like not a 50 cal 50 cal but like it is more than enough i fired 50 cal's the blanks and they still have a a decent enough recoil right and he did it holding it in his hands which is saloon's kind of a big guy but this is about i'm gonna say 50 of his goddamn body weight that he's not trying to fire things out of yeah anyway uh the the soldiers scatter attempting to fight back and that's where they fucked up fucking idiots you simply don't fight back

against Rambo you surrender unto death and you render unto Rambo uh soldiers are literally blown to pieces and in one scene the bulk bald merc literally headbutt somebody to death yeah like all the mercenaries are like oh cool scram let's get weapons i've been shaving my head for years to prepare for this moment i won't even have

to wash the blood out of my hair uh the mercs spread out and begin to join rambo in the slaughter all while rambo is firing his machine gun non-fucking-stop churning through what has to be run a thousands and thousands of rounds of ammo without a single jam where normal m2s would have melted into putty and exploded by now rambo keeps going meaning it must be rambo must be manning the rambo of machine guns yes okay so i did the math here and this may have changed i know new versions of the m2 have come out since i have used one since i'm an old old man um the m2 fire is around 600 rounds per minute depending on the model rambo fired unbroken for three minutes i timed it uh before he was forced to reload for the first time meaning he

fired at least 1800 rounds out of a hundred round box of ammunition did he even get a chance to reload no he reloaded once okay um this leads me to believe that Rambo is in fact a wizard. Solid. It's not even a theory. It's a fact. This links back to what else? Our I ran our X series. Yep. Saddam Hussein's personal magician was Jonathan Rambo.

Holy shit. He was in the third. Alright. Also, the first time Rambo reloads, it takes him about half as much time, about a minute and a half, to reload the gun. So it took him half as much time

as it took him to fire the gun to reload it. This means that Rambo's kind of a shitty wizard. I mean, at that point, I think he's probably tired. He ran a little bit. He's been screaming and sweating an awful lot. Yeah. Maybe a little down, depressed a little bit. This also cuts directly into a scene

where a church member brains a guy to death with a rock. So that's kind of fun. Oh, yeah. I remember that part. Just as it seems a small group would eventually be overwhelmed by what they said would only be about 100 soldiers, but instead saw them be zerg rushed

by an endless stream of faceless Burmese redshirts, the Corinne freedom fighters show up to help. And when the Corinnes show up, things get even more ridiculous and chaotic. I enjoy the rolling, the combat rolls. Yes. I really do enjoy that in movies. I mean, nobody's trying to use tactics anymore.

It's like large lines of people just blasting away with AK like if you had a really bad mod of Empire Total War. They just like crest the top of the hill, combat role in place, and start machine gunning in various directions. Which sure, fuck it. Why not? The end scene reminded me of a Windtalker's battle. It's so

bad. Like, it's bad but it's so out of this world. But without all the gore. This one had all the gore. A Burmese Navy boat shows up from around the bend of the river and begins lighting people up with machine guns and flamethrowers.

Because what's a Rambo movie without a flamethrower? It's not really a Rambo movie at all. Another truck full of soldiers show up, but they are quickly handled by Rambo and his machine gun of justice as is the Burmese army and navy shooting at this point he just sees objectives fly up on like in his eyes

like it's all a duty kill streak unlocked kill streak unlocked somehow all through all of this fighting aviator McFuckface not only survives the battle but manages to run smack dab into who else? But Rambo, who grabs him and

guts him while making eye contact. This, of course, causes the Burmese army to retreat because you defeated the boss battle. And I'm pretty sure making eye contact with another human being as they're being eviscerated is the only way Rambo gets hard anymore. I think they had to cut

over, like, I think he was making noises like, Oh, God. In case anybody was wondering, so, now I know the joke is the Rambo movies have gotten progressively more violent. And they did. But nobody's probably sure exactly how violent. Somebody did the math on that it turns out

so in this movie rambo kills roughly about 245 people that's a body count now that is people that he directly kills not people he wounds and somebody else picks off or whatever no team kills count here uh only people he directly killed rambo 3 he killed 115 now again if anybody remembers that movie was supposed to be over the top ridiculous because he shoots down a helicopter with a bow and arrow the total as it stands right now according to uh verified scholarly resource rambo.fandom.com is 503 throughout the Rambo films. That's a real site? Yeah.

I found it. I want to go through it. It's full of interesting stuff. I want to go through it. All of it bad. Do you think it's like, who would win in a fight, Rambo or Stallone? That would be just the scene from Fight Club where it's the guy punching himself in the face.

Rambo or Rocky? I'm going to go with Rambo because Rocky's never killed anybody. That we know of. So would you ever do like a Rambo versus Steven Seagal? Rambo wins every time. Sweet. Solid choice. Yeah.

I mean, how about Rambo versus Iron Man? Rambo vs. Iron Man? Rambo. Again, I would watch that Rambo film where he goes to Afghanistan, joins the Taliban, and kills Tony Stark. Because Tony Stark has been carpet-bombing Afghan civilians. Stark Industries. Way to go, guys. So that is Rambo 4. Not even a good ending

no he goes home like it ends with him I think he talked it ends with him going back to his shitty farmhouse which is where the fifth Rambo last blood picks up which you would think

is gonna be the last Rambo but Stallone has already said it's not. So it's like, what the fuck, man? Why would you name it that? I mean, sure. Money last blood.

I don't know. Yeah. Cause he said, well, if there are more blood after the last blood, I don't know. I think he killed the entire world. That's going to be the last Rambo is he fucking straps a nuke to himself and

jumps into a polar ice cap or some shit. God, there can be no more bloodshed if i kill all of humanity like the punisher garth enos special where he commits genocide against the entire human race this is a bad movie to watch like you're looking good i mean if anything it's it's perfect to go into rambo 5 because it's not gonna be good it's like i said it's perfect to go into Rambo 5. Honestly. Because it's not going to be good. Like I said, it's racist home alone. Which is why, one, first Rambo, loved it.

Second Rambo, enjoyed it. Third, nah, wasn't really my cup of tea. The second Rambo actually has a lot of purchase. actually has a lot of purchase and that conspiracy theory, urban legend, you could call either one, that the government left POWs behind alive in Vietnam after the Vietnam War.

So thanks for that, Stallone. I know that existed before then, but why would they make a movie about it if it wasn't real like noted they brought it back noted fucking documentary of rambo too you know the real winner of the rambo movies the guy who wrote rambo the first one it's based on a book it is yeah first but it's just called first blood but it's still based well in the end of the the end of the rambo book rambo dies

yeah they both died both the sheriff and the rambo yeah uh the rambo yeah the rambo uh but yeah he just keeps the books actually pretty good i like he he just keeps making tons of money man the dude is is actually unverified on twitter and only has like 2 000 followers because like nobody remembers who the fuck he is i honestly hope he goes for another rocky stallone he well they're fucking great they're on the creed series now yeah they're up to two of those now i want to see a rocky there's gonna be so it's like the stallone fucking cinematic universe where like he has creed movies like he has rocky movies now he has creed movies and then if stallone survives until he's like 80 or 90,

there's going to be like Son of Creed, or like Grin Son of Creed movies, and then like Rambo's shitty kid, and Creed's shitty kid, are going to have a fight. Their last blood. Yeah, and it's going to end by Rambo coming in and macheting them to death. And we do plan on watching the new Rambo.

Sadly. I don't know if I want to pay for it. There's so many things that I'd rather watch in theater. Also, to be drunk enough to watch that Rambo movie. It's going to cost a lot at this movie theater. It's going to be enough to get us kicked out for being that intoxicated. So we might have to wait until it goes streaming. Or if anybody has a bootleg copy,

feel free to shoot it to our email lines led by donkeys podcast at gmail.com. I am being dead serious. Please send me that illegal copy of Rambo five. Now I know this is a bonus episode, but we're still going to do a question from the Legion segment here to end our wonderful Rambo episode. Lorenz asks,

how many Flaming Hot Cheetos can Nick fit in his mouth? Dude, if I had a bag, I'd totally try. Let's get a ballpark estimate. Well, definitely more than 20. More than 20? Oh, 20 oh yeah for sure i feel like you have the determination the drive the competitive nature the intangibles to fit at least 30 i think so too i think i i got the cojones yeah uh so was that the question yeah that was the question nice i'm not upset about that i that. Thank you everybody for supporting the show. You make everything we do possible. You help us pay our bills. You pay Nate. You pay for all of our stickers and dumb shit.

You donated to charity recently. You donated $300 to a very, very worthwhile charity. So thank you for that. Next bonus episode, we'll be buying hot Cheetos apparently and finding out. If you would like to ask a question that we will ask either in a bonus episode or answer in a bonus episode or a regular episode. Put it on the Patreon and I will get to it until next time. Yeah. Later.