Lions Led By Donkeys Podcast - *UNLOCKED* Red Dawn (2012)

Episode Date: March 18, 2020

Imaging being a North Korean conscript, thousands of miles away from home and watching your friends get gunned down by the guy from Drake and Josh. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/lionsledbydonkeys

Hello, and welcome to yet another bonus episode of the Lions Led by Donkeys podcast. I'm Joe, and with me today, as always, is disappointed Nick. Not beautiful this week, sadly. Because we watched the 2012 version of Red Dawn! Absolutely terrible. Which, we say this a lot on the bonus episodes of this show, routinely calling things the worst movie we've watched for the show. I'd rather watch Under Siege again.

I would rather watch Windtalkers again. And that was before we got to this one. That was the movie that took me the most amount of attempts to watch. I had to watch it in three settings. No, two settings this one did it for me then how many times did you have three rented it three times that's like 15 worth of movie 14 14 14 99 thank you very much amazon prime uh this movie fucking sucks um so bad and you know it sucks for reasons that we were not aware of going into which is uh why we get to talk about red dawn 2 chinese no wait north korean boogaloo wait wait like literal whispering in the background uh now most people know about this because that

was like the tagline that uh uh the movie started with is like haha they were originally supposed to be chinese uh because apparently the fine people at miramax forgot china was a country and was worth billions of dollars uh so this this movie uh or sin of theater uh began all the way back in 2008 there's a long fucking time ago, that was when pre-production began. And this is actually a pretty good explanation as to why Chris Hemsworth ended up in the movie. Because this is before Thor came out. So he wasn't a nobody. People kind of knew who he was,

but he wasn't like a fucking Marvel. Yeah, he wasn't like a Marvel movie star. Yeah, not yet. Which, down the road, when the posters came out i was like oh shit this movie must be good thor's in it uh but it's kind of like when the leprechaun comes back up you ever watch leprechaun yeah have you ever watched like on netflix or amazon or whatever when it pops up jennifer aniston's on the very front of the cover uh she yeah uh she had a very small bit part in it before she was on friends that's like a clickbait yeah yeah that's pretty much this whole movie is hemsworth based clickbait uh because uh he uh he signed up for it

before he made a bank so yeah that explains how uh he ended up in this shit storm you know a colder whiskey just hits different yeah why are you drinking lafroy that you left in your truck for a week as you said it's aged it's truck like like it's 10 years and one week in the truck aged like most scotch it's scotch right sorry 10 years oh yes like most scotch is is is meant to be served by like like the end the scottish ancestors when they set out about flying totally off the... When they dug up this fucking bog shit that you drink, they're like, this would taste much better aged in the backseat of a Dodge pickup truck. In my mouth. Dead body in the bog? That's the 20 year.

Yeah. Now, like I was saying, Hemsworth ended up in this movie because he wasn't Thor yet. But thankfully for Red Dawn, due to delays, it actually came out around the same time, making it look like a big-time author or author. Big-time actor. They got the timing perfect, too. They put it out, and they're like, oh, shit, this worked. Yeah, and it may look like a big-time actor came off his big break and picked this film,

which is kind of how I felt. I knew this movie was going to kind of suck. I didn't think it was going to suck that level. I'm like well it might at least be entertaining because Thor's in it. That was way off. Sorry. As for Josh Peck. Did you watch this in a movie? Yeah I saw this in movie theaters. Wow why? Because I hate myself.

We've made this abundantly clear. Jesus Christ. Now Josh Peck is also in this movie. So it's also horse shit, Josh Peck is also in this movie. So it's also horse shit because he pissed me off throughout the whole movie. His best time is best ever on the screen. Drake and Josh. Yeah, I would. Hands down.

Drake and Josh is not a show I'm super familiar with. But I mean, what the fuck else other action movie was he going to be in? So, of course, he signed up for it. And for good measure, they also include time cruises son connor yeah uh which i don't think i've seen him in anything else so i think that's the only thing i guess his career isn't going that well but also imagine being imagine being a north korean conscript right or i'm assuming korea is unified at this point it really doesn't give a whole lot of background because remember it wasn't supposed to be korea uh and you're like oh we're gonna go destroy the uh you know those american imperialist pig dogs and you get fucking deployed to eastern washington oh you get deployed to fucking spokane and you get

you get fucking murked by josh peck i can imagine them talking where'd you get deployed to? Spokane? Oh, man, you should have been deployed to D.C., bro. I think D.C. got nuked. It got, what was it? Which means it was non-nuclear, but... Oh, it was an EMP. Right, it was an EMP, which we'll talk about in a little bit, because as a last-second-slap-together plot device, it made no sense. So of all the problems that this movie would eventually have,

framing it as the chinese people's liberation army as the main bad guy should have been seen from the second they wrote the script in 2008 china wasn't quite as influential on movies as they would be or as they are today in 2020 like uh whole movies are designed to pretty much flop here in america knowing that they'll blow up in china and they'll make more than enough money to make a profit now. It's just that's what happens when a completely different market exists and can influence things. Right. But it was still a billion dollar market that required every movie to be approved by a state board, which I think is still mostly true today.

Like the interview probably didn't blow up very well over there such a good movie uh but there's no fucking way this shit was ever going to be approved um so if we did the lines led by donkeys the movie uh i'm gonna say we're not gonna be well we haven't shit talked china yet that's right we've actually managed to not holy shit the largest uh uh population people on Earth. And I don't know if we have many Chinese listeners. Buy a sticker? But we're huge into Xi Jinping thought.

Please buy our stuff and don't send us to concentration camps. Anyway, now Hollywood does consist of a bunch of bright dead pedophiles and sycophants. So nobody really said anything that this would be a problem. Or maybe they didn't like, I don't know, use Google or check their fucking financial reports from the year before and realize how much money China puts into them. But the movie got made anyway, all the way through with China being the main bad guys. The movie was actually filmed around the Detroit area of Michigan, like the metro Detroit area, even though it takes place in Spokane, Washington, which is an irony

that is not lost on me. Because I also come from there and am now here. What strategic ground do you hold in Spokane? In Spokane, I have no idea and that is never explained throughout the movie. I don't understand. Now, my friends actually, I knew about this movie being made because uh i know a ton of people live in the

area and i know a ton of people who stole shit from the set what uh yeah uh that's fucking awesome which includes you have a personal connection to this movie uh they stole like fake pla propaganda posters oh fuck yeah um and freaked out about being stuck in traffic behind an M1 tank. Which is pretty fun. Jade Helm? Right? Nobody cares when it's Detroit, man. That's true.

The cops, normal day. Now, if anybody has one of those stolen posters, feel free to send one my way because it'll look really good in this recording studio. Yeah. It'll look really good next to the Mao Zedong satchel that I bought in china

town in victoria bc it was three dollars i could not and by the way the chinese guy who sold it to me was ecstatic that i wanted to buy it which means i'm not sure if he's really down with the mao or he wanted to get rid of a satchel that has chinese hitler's face on it? I'm not sure. Maybe he's like, one of us. Yeah. Yeah. I'm all about that little red book, bro. Now, there's a good chance

this movie would have eventually been released without alterations around 2009 or 10. That's just kind of spitballing it, but MGM, its owner, went tits up and bankrupt.

So they actually did not have the money to publish it, which is a level of broke I was not aware existed for a Hollywood studio. I didn't think MGM could do that. Yeah. They were going through like restructuring and shit, and they eventually got bought out.

They were forced to sell a whole bunch of shit and shell other stuff. They couldn't sell Red Dawn. Nobody wanted it, which they call that a clue. You've made a shitty movie. And it was too expensive to just like uh release it like direct the dvd or whatever um so like they just had to kind of hold on until someone could uh buy them or or inject them with cash uh or capital or whatever until they could get their shit straight uh and eventually they decided the best way to do that was to sell off a bunch of their movies and yeah,

probably some Coke or something too. Nice. Now at the same time, the global times, which is a state owned news outlet in China managed to get their hands on a leaked script of the film. And they did not think very highly of it as you would imagine them being the bad guys.

Right. They also point out that this is pretty racist which yeah we don't often agree with uh state organ media but yeah yeah the the chinese really got this one right uh it was pretty fucking racist and it only gets more racist because if you remember, they just switched one Asian for another and hope nobody would notice. Awesome. So MGM attempted to change all of that on the down low without it really getting out. Like they're like, fuck it, let's make a North Korean. Close enough.

Which did not work at all because you can't do like a million dollar overhaul on a movie without nobody figuring it out. And the L.A. Times immediately broke the story. like a million dollar overhaul on a movie without nobody figuring it out and the la times immediately broke the story uh mgm decided it was in their best interest to change the enemy from chinese to north korean uh going like they dialed the racism up to 11 like they literally made their entire rebuild or reboot or whatever you want to call this into the all asians look the same racism trope which is like god damn how does nobody ever bring that up like one person in the room's like guys we can't do this nobody did that yeah nobody did that because i'm willing to bet they all looked like me yeah they're all like except old and fatter that'll work uh also this would require a massive effort when it came to special effects.

Because they're doing a communist dystopia future. So there's going to be fucking flags everywhere, right? Right. All of them would have to be redone with a completely different flag. Every single scene that an enemy soldier pops up, the flag on the uniform is going to be changed. All this would have to be done in post,

along with opening credits that would scroll through. Opening credits sucked. And you can really tell that they just kind of winged it when it came to the backstory because there wasn't one. Like, in Red Dawn 1,

or 1988, whatever, 84, whatever, they actually kind of, it was a stupid backstory, but it was a backstory. Yeah, there was something. This one is just like, oh, North Koreans invade,

fuck it up. Yeah, we got a few news articles that we can put in the intro, put in some cool hacking letters and whatnot. Literally all they did is use actual news clips, which do not explain how any of this happened.

Exactly. That's all they did, and they put a bunch of little fucking anonymous hacking shit all around it. It's just like, oh, the EU's broke. I'm like, okay. What does that have anything to do with the United States and North Korea? Yeah, anyway. So all this should have to be redone.

With a war movie, with people running all over the place and flags over this is gonna be kind of hard it's gonna be an intense thing that requires a lot of money so unfortunately mgm didn't do fucking any of that it only took like six months and it cost like a million bucks which sounds like a lot of money but it's really not for special effects yeah so they did fuck all they did less work than like i don't know like a hearts of iron modder on this shit another important bit here the original red dawn was thought of as an anti-war art film as we talked about before and birth in the world as screaming right-wing propaganda still managed to to hit the right notes like three times throughout the hour and a half.

But it still had something. There were scenes where the Wolverines grapple with their emotions and their sense of self as they go to war. They even straight up ask, what is the difference between them and us? Bella plays a tortured Cuban revolutionary turned imperialist colonel who recognizes that he has become everything that he hates.

In Red Dawn, the yellow menace version, none of that fucking exists. The Koreans are treated like faceless, formerly Chinese people. All the nuance is thrown out the window. Never once did this version of the Wolverines have to grapple with the moral implications of what they're

doing. They never reflect. They even make Thor an Iraq war veteran to kind of smooth things over it didn't need to be fucking done it gets rid of the entire importance of like oh these are just normal people like no you have a very high original movie yeah you have a very highly skilled combat veteran to teach you everything in a montage uh you're not just a whole bunch of kids that later when they meet a fucking air force colonel like what's a flank yeah it's like oh no you had thor teach you all this this is fucking boring um somehow even worse they based the film in

washington state uh for people who are unaware our state um has a hell of a long uh history of racism against asian people they whitewash an incredibly long track record of Asian racism. There were concentration camps here that housed Japanese Americans during World War II, one not even hour from the studio. Furthermore, mobs in Seattle routinely attacked and killed Chinese people in the 1800s. They even practiced ethnic cleansing by forcefully deporting Chinese Americans into Oregon upon threat of death. ethnic cleansing by forcefully deporting Chinese Americans into Oregon upon threat of death. This became so prevalent that when L.A. tried to do the same thing, they called it the Tacoma Method.

Jesus. Yeah. Let's go ahead and smooth all that over. The only one good guy in the entire movie that is played by an Asian has the last name of Smith. They had a plan for a Chinese American member of the Wolverines, but that was just scrapped, which is amazing because Washington has an enormous Asian American population. The movie is so problematic in the industry

that the crew had a hard time finding extras to actually play the Korean soldiers, leading them to ask for friends to be actors in the film, which I'm pretty sure is against the union rules. You can't just have people come out and do that for speaking roles, I think. I don't know. There's also various points in the movie where the soldiers switch from Korean to Chinese

when they speak and back again because, again, MGM really didn't try all that hard to fix Oh, fuck, I never noticed that. I didn't either. I found someone who spoke Korean and was like, that's Chinese. That's not Korean. Yep. So before we get into this movie, I think it's best to describe this with a Guardian headline for a review of the film that says, quote, the Red Dawn remake. Just no.

Strikingly similar to how you're supposed to treat crack. But yeah. So with that, we can get to the movie. You feeling good now? You feeling good about this movie, Nick? I never felt good about this movie. It was never on my list of, ooh, this is what I want to do for a bonus episode.

No, and this is mostly my fault. Because all these bonus episodes I know about, I think are funny. Yeah, and there's humor in here. We have to dig pretty deep for it. I mean, the movie itself is fucking hilarious just unintentionally. Yeah, but other than that, no, this movie

was god-awful. I set this up for failure myself because I said, we can't do the original if we don't do the remake. It's about a series. And I was like, we could do that for all the movies that have reboots from here on. You know what? Now we shouldn't. We shouldn't do that anymore because this sucks. It's terrible. There's not a series. And I was like, we could do that for all of the movies that have reboots from here on. You know what? Now we shouldn't.

We shouldn't do that anymore because this sucks. It's terrible. There's not a single part of this movie I enjoyed except when everybody died. But not enough everybody died. Yeah, exactly. Because we missed. Oh, I guess we can't. Oh, whatever.

So, the movie opens, much like the last one, with a montage of world events and exactly how we ended up here. Kind of. montage of world events and exactly how we ended up here. Kind of. This one is mostly a recession in the European Union, as well as some mysterious cyber threat. I assume they foreshadowed the interview hack or something. I don't know. The PlayStation hack later on.

All it is is a bunch of hacking letters, and they use the word hacked. Yeah. That'll scare somebody. Just throw some Matrix text in there. North Korea stops being a hermit kingdom and joins the Pacific Rim cooperation group, which sounds like the least protection block on earth. Kim Jong-un rises to power surprise in North Korea and Russia falls into something resembling

that Call of Duty Civil War storyline with ultra nationalists and terrorists fighting one another um though they still managed to invade the republic of georgia like what happened in real life so sure that scans well they'd probably still do that uh now you can tell this is where they just had to throw something together really quickly uh because they don't really give a hint as to how north korea a country that routinely cannot feed its own people. So it only becomes a world power, even with this Pacific Rim group, because they've had like, I mean,

the famine in North Korea is so severe and has been going on for so long that like, I think they're the first country on earth to like markedly lose two inches of growth on the normal population scale. Like how tall people are because they're so like malnourished so sure world power fuck it why not uh at least in the original ed non we got some shit about europe turning communist america's and becoming strong with the soviet client states this leak this is reeks of low effort bullshit nicaragua yeah nicaragua became

a world power fucking cuba appears. Mexico turned communist. Whatever. Yeah, there's nothing. None of that here. Just North Korea. Boom. It doesn't even say- Russia supplying stuff, sure.

I could be wrong. Somebody please tell me I'm wrong, but I don't think I even noticed them saying that Korea unified, which would be a pretty big fucking stepping stone to becoming a world power. I didn't hear that at all throughout the whole movie. No. It was just North, North, North. Yeah.

The movie opens with the glorious Wolverine football team being bad at football. Well, fucking Josh Peck. Yeah, with Jed Eckert and his entire family watching from the sidelines because Spokane is apparently that kind of town. I don't really know. I've never even been to Spokane.

I hear people call it Spokompton, which is not good. What? Yeah. I think people just tag that on to everything on the West Coast they don't like. I believe that. Then the movie introduces us to the bravest future member of the Wolverines, Robert, who is a podcaster, the only true warriors of this world.

Did you notice that he's thrusting the recording thing? It's for the podcast. It's for the high school podcast. And they immediately have like, that's going to have shit sound quality. You're in the middle of a field with people screaming around you, Robert. Is this fucking amateur hour?

Anyway. We should introduce him to Nate. No, take Robert to the fucking gulag. Anyway, the Wolverine's loose and everybody calls Jed's brother, Matt, the quarterback, a bitch, which he's Josh. Yeah.

That's kind of fun. I feel like, I feel like they have, of all the people have differing opinions on this movie. We could all bond and call it Josh Peck a bitch, right? Yeah, for sure.

So there's a scene introducing us to jet Eckert, who is in this version of Marine as we've said before. He's drinking in a bar and people are asking about a service and they ask where he's stationed as he's clearly on leave because Marines aren't stationed in Spokane. He answers Najaf which is in Iraq

which is not how anybody would ever answer that question. It's not. Because you're not stationed there. You're deployed there. He's probably in fucking 29 Palms or some shit. But those guys had to question him because, you know, stolen valor. No, they had to question him because they didn't make civilians look fucking stupid. Because then they have to show how dumb civilians are and ask if Najaf is in California. That's why they should ask stolen valor.

Also, sir, aren't you Australian Oh fuck they're on to me I already hate this fucking movie Like I don't remember this scene Like I didn't remember the scene when I started rewatching it They just had to make some random civilians look dumb I feel like they were also at a Chili's

Like the high school kids were in there There was a bar situation going on I mean Spokane is a small enough town Where everybody probably knows like a bar where they don't card Also all the high school kids were in there. There's a bar situation going on. I mean, Spokane's a small enough town where everybody probably knows a bar where they don't card. Also, all the high schoolers look like they're 30. That's true. Like most movies, so they'll be all right. Dude, that was a Chili's. And someone who names their kid Jed is the type of family that would get torn up at a Chili's.

Also, their dad's a cop, so you know they're not going anywhere cool because nobody wants them to hang out there uh so anyway the power dies and they're forced to leave the bar the radio points out now it's important note that the radio still works they'll become important later that the entire northwest is blacked out everybody goes back to the eckert home while their dad a local cop has to go to work jad like most on leave, just kind of sits around and drinks beer while imposing on his family, who don't even have a place for him to sleep anymore. I might just be

projecting there. Also, this movie was definitely sponsored by Rolling Rock. Yeah, for real. What the fuck? Why Rolling Rock? That beer sucks balls, man. It's not good. No, every time it shows Jed chugging a goddamn Rolling Rock, he just, like, faces the camera. Like, come on, man. It's not good. No, every time it shows Jed chugging a goddamn rolling rock, he just like turn it so it faces the camera.

Yeah. Like, come on, man. This is like that office of the episode where the guy keeps saying, eat fresh. Yeah. It's like, God, fucking, I don't know. You ever had a bad day at the office? Knock back a rolling rock.

Eat fresh. Even a Marine has a taste better than to eat or to drink a fucking rolling rock. Eat fresh. Even a marine has a taste better than to drink a fucking rolling rock. When they're desperate, they go for Pabst. I would think higher of you if you drink Bud Light. And that's yeast water. So the next morning, they all wake up to the ground shaking. They run outside to see the sky. Sky Jews.

That would have been cooler. If this is the North Korean version of Godzilla, I think it's called Pulgasari. What? Hold on. What? You never heard of that? No.

So Kim Jong-il is a world-renowned, or was, he's dead as fuck now, rest in piss, theater nerd. Yeah, he had a few Americans. I don't remember that. No, I think they were Japanese. He kidnapped a director and his wife for the purpose of making

a communist version of Godzilla. It's called Pulgasari. And they escaped him via high-speed car chase, which I don't know how that isn't an action movie. But yeah, it's called Pulgasari. I'm gonna watch it. It's as good as any other shitty kaiju movie made in like the 80s or whatever.

It's just a guy in a giant suit. But yeah, they wake up to the ground shaking. It's not Pulgasari. They run outside to see the sky carpet with paratroopers, which seems really stupid to do in broad daylight, as they obviously just caused a blackout and then just waited like 12 hours to invade. Yeah, right. So the last time when we watched the last Red Dawn we said how dumb it was for the army to just have a helicopter response

to the Soviet invasion of a nothing town in Colorado. This time it's kind of different. There's an air base and naval air squadrons literally all over Washington State. But nope, there's a giant slow-ass moving transport craft just dropping North Koreans from the sky. One of them did get knocked out. Yeah,

just one randomly. Sure, that random AA battery in downtown Spokane. It's like, my time to shine! Whatever. Or the local Spokane resident. Also, the amount of transport planes shown on the screen in just one take is more than the actual North Korean Air Force has. I did some research on this.

Now, the most recent estimates as of 2019 from the Global Insight website shows they have exactly four transport planes, one of which is from 1957. Plenty. Yeah.

Which turns out is exactly how many you need to invade Spokane. Who would have fucking thought? They sandbox that shit like, aha, four. Perfect. We don't need the fifth one. Who would have fucking thought? They sandbox that shit like, Aha! Four! Perfect! We don't need the fifth one. It's actually just my cousin with some cardboard wings.

Anyway, the Eckert kids run off to find their dad, and they also discover that along with the blackout, the radio doesn't work. Which is strange, because they were just listening to it on the way back from the bar. Yep. During the scene, just saying, you see a USMC tattoo on his forearm, just so everybody knows.

I did not notice that. Yeah, I noticed that. I was like, hold on. Is that a fucking? It is. They have to make the Marines in every Marine movie boot as fuck. They have to make them Marines. Yeah.

So they find their dad and find him through the streets as Korean soldiers land all around them. Now, it's him through the streets as Korean soldiers land all around them. Now it's important to note that the Korean soldiers are apparently better trained than the Soviet ones because they did not just start machine gunning everything that moved. Cool? I don't know. The Soviets started massacring

a school. The first one started them launching RPGs through the windows of a school. The North Koreans had a very the North Korean Chinese army here had a very low bar to cross as being the superior army um they started shooting at the cop immediately i mean come on uh i mean i feel i feel like uh in a situation like this or like any kind of like a fascist or you know weird monarchy

communist takeover like North Korea would do the first thing they would do is attempt to kill the functionaries of American power which would be like politicians, cops, firefighters maybe not firefighters. Wow. But like you know like the people who are attached to the government. Right. It's like killing

political officers, except they're civil servants and are just like fat and racist. And don't know anything. Yeah, like, come on, man, I'm a traffic cop! The road guard guy. Yeah, I saw shirts everywhere saying Blue Lives Matter, so it's pretty obvious everybody supports you. We have to take you out.

Fuck! Now, the dad tells them to run to a cabin in the woods and uh along the way they decide to pick up matt's girlfriend which seems like a bad idea right i mean you're not married man like just just hit the woods plenty of fish my man yeah there's plenty of fish in this uh futuristic dystopia if you're going off roading through some people's yards, which is one of the only scenes I kind of liked. Really? Just because it showed the last movie.

They're hauling ass through nothing-ass Colorado. And this one, they're just mudding out through some dude's petunias. Did you notice the old truck? Yeah. Yeah. They couldn't give them a Jeep or something. I know they're not going to give them a- They couldn't update it?

I knew they were like, hold on, we still got this bad boy from the last red dawn budget cuts no that's what fucking jed drove back from a leave because he's a fucking e2 can't afford anything else this baby's got 23 percent oh shit before they went to the bar and the fucking bitch got picked up by his girlfriend and the mustang she sold it to one of the korean the private koreans i don a low like it's a payday alone bro we got this yeah how many won is that doesn't matter i just noticed there was a mustang in the movie she did have like a red mustang it was blue was it blue yes well done i didn't remember that it's important that changes everything i literally had to watch it uh today

it's important because later on it has a gatling gun attached to it. But we'll talk about that. All right, cool. But yeah, I liked him mudding out through some people's petunias in his shitty fucking truck. So like I said before, they didn't just randomly machine gun everybody in this scene as well. They're actually trying to capture people. It doesn't seem like an outright... Somebody's got to fill the camps. Yeah, it doesn't seem like an outright genocide like the last movie. But right as the North Koreans almost look competent, they all just shoot one another. Right?

Because Jed gently pushes one, which apparently is like hitting the spot when you're scratching your dog's belly and his leg starts kicking. He punched him in just the right place that caused him to shoot his friend in the chest. I would do the same. You love to see it. Like, it's a total dumbass move. Galaxy brain shit. There also seems to be an entire squad dedicated to capturing Erica,

which was Jed's kind of sort of girlfriend, right? What did she know? Right. Sleeper agent, that's what I'm saying. She's real into Jujay. But it doesn't really say why they're so dedicated to her family. But sure, whatever. Jed floors it to get away with him,

and Robert sprints out of nowhere and jumps in the truck, as does Tom Cruise's son, who is named Daryl in this movie. Not a good name. Who is the mayor's son in this movie. So, yeah, whatever. The Koreans give chase in what I assume is a stolen humvee uh because they all have humvees but they did they did have enough time to steal humvees for this invasion and slap big north korean stickers on them because they had the american flag and then some shitty sticker

it was like the korean people workers party symbol i think but like how how much time did you have to steal all these they also have an m1 Abrams later on in the movie, which is like, why do you know how to drive that? North Korean Army, I'm pretty sure, still uses T-62s. Cross training. But yeah. Did you see them launch that kid into the Humvee?

Yes. So Jed is running off into the woods towards the cabin, and a bunch of kids in their shitty high school cars follow after Jed in the most redneck convoy ever. I don't know about Spokane, but my high school, that convoy would have been made up of a whole bunch of cop cars that he bought

at auction. So, how I thought the scene would go in real life if they did steal those Humvees, they'd say all right get them and they just hold on sir this one's dead line this one's broken down but i thought you checked it i really just walked around it i just yeah the tires i checked the seat belts they were good i slept under the truck for like three hours the humvee is a miracle mobile in that

and that thing was speeding in the movie. Yeah, it reached like 70, which I don't think I've ever got a Humvee over 40 without it feeling like it was breaking through the stratosphere of the earth. I've definitely gotten it on 50. Yeah, but it feels like you're like coming in from orbit, like everything's shaking itself apart. Yeah, if you have the up-armored ones.

Oh, yeah, true. The up-armored ones are just like, like the transmission is not made for that. None of it's made for anything. It's all put back together by high school dropouts who didn't really pay attention to AIT. I mean, that's every MOS, but also mechanics. So the Koreans T-bone Jed's truck

and sends one of the kids that was in the bed of the truck through the North Koreans windshield and it definitely kills him but nobody really seems to even notice or care fuck that guy nobody said that cool nobody says shit about him which is funny because like he was enough of a friend for this whole thing this is the fucking world for them to say get in yes and he's like I trust those guys they're like fuck it Pete's gone like the North Green's like they threw their friend at me I didn't see this coming

he fucking disabled our whole truck high school board IED that's except it's just full of blood surprise that's maybe what the enemy needs to start implementing

just throw pick up trucks they need a T-bonus like it's like after World War or during World War 2 when they capture enemy vehicles t-bonus like it's like after world war or during world war two and they capture enemy vehicles and take them back like out of like the uk for testing so like meanwhile in pyongyang there's a whole bunch of north korean officers sitting around throwing kids out the back of a pickup truck like i don't understand it worked it worked against us

worked on the movie give me more kids uh so much like the original movie, Jed immediately begins taking charge of the group and starts telling everybody what to do, which in this case seems like a better choice, though I'm going to pick Swayze over Hemsworth here. Swayze, even though he had no military training except bouncing outside of clubs and roundhouse kicking people, I like him better as a leader. Hemsworth kind of sucks. And he was the star quarterback of the Wolverines. I mean, so is this one. So is this one. They don't really go over it. No, they swap out football stories for hardcore bullshit.

Yeah, which, I mean, like, the only true troops are football players. Come on now. That's podcasters and football players now. I'd rather have a guy giving me a route on a football than on a sand table. Fair enough. Yeah, because the second you route on a football than on a sand table. Fair enough. Yeah, because the second you start explaining to me

something in a sand table, I immediately dislike you forever. Exactly. But also, I don't think I've ever met a quarterback that I've liked, like in person.

Okay, fair enough. So it's a toss-up. Wow. This is the let them fight moment from Godzilla. Now, when they go to this cabin and there's like a trailer outside of it

they find a whole bunch of unsecured rifles, handguns and ammunition all over the place which sounds pretty on brand. Maybe Spokane? No, that sounds American. There's a good chance you can break into any house surrounding the studio and there'll be an unsecured gun in it. You can go to my bedroom and there's an unsecured

gun in it. That's true. I've definitely seen it on the dining table. I need it to eat. It's my spoon. Is there a spoon attached to it? It's a bayonet. Concealed. I mean, if you break into enough random cabins in the woods, you'll find a gun.

Yeah, for. They also managed to get their TV to work again. Weird. Because remember, everybody's supposed to lose power now. Well, they're using like a fucking, I don't know. It was an analog TV. Like they required bunny ears and shit, which I'm not sure of the particulars of an EMP

or of the particulars of how much they want this plot to make sense. I remember the bunny ears thing. I don't ever remember holding up a satellite to try to find that i don't know yeah i've never done that i feel like a bunny ears tv would work i don't know there's we're arguing we're trying to get a whole lot more in depth here than the fucking script writers did someone moved on right past it i'm just gonna say this plot doesn't make any fucking sense um because it's not the only time that like electronics work that shouldn't uh If they're going to keep this EMP angle, which they don't seem that attached to.

It's not even a plot device. It's just like, I don't know. It's dumb. There's no point of explaining it. It's just stupid. So that night, someone approaches the cabin and turns out it's someone friendly. But the wonderfully named Joe,

because what else would it be named, randomly fires off a handgun, nearly taking off Thor's head. Yeah, what an asshole. Joe is obviously going to be the class president in this role of challenging Jed's authority. And despite the fact that he almost committed negligent homicide,

leading Jed to just take the gun from him for being a little shithead. Fair enough. Yeah, you probably shouldn't have a gun. It turns out being made to look like a little bitch in front of his friends made Joe and his friends take all the food and run off in the middle of the night. Which is a real dick move.

Especially because he ends up being a puppet for the North Greens. You didn't need to steal the food. He would have just given it to you. That's one of the prerequisites for being well taken care of is to become a fucking stoolie. Which is what he did. He's just stealing food to be a dick. Exactly.

Meanwhile, the North Koreans begin their occupation, which starts with what, of course, building a concentration camp in the high school and reinforcing it with conics boxes, which sounds like my three least favorite things in the entire world combined. No, just in general.

Concentration camps, high school, and Connex boxes. All in one, though. I mean, it sounds like a shotgun, like it's scattershot, but, you know, I have my reasons. I'm not a big fan

of any of those things. I feel like you have experience with two of them. I mean, my family has experience with the third. Ooh. As a group that is looking around the town,

the Cranes find their cabin and go through everything. The mayor and Daddy Eckert are forced to tell their kids I don't even remember his fucking first name. Officer. Fuck it, I don't give a shit. Sergeant? I don't fucking know. Yeah, he was a sergeant. You're right. But he's not a real sergeant. Are we just calling him Daddy?

Yeah, call him Daddy with an I. Daddy. That sounds so bad. It's bad. It's real bad. I don't know the actor's name, but he is a lot of that guy in a lot of movies. I've seen him in movies, and you're just like, who the fuck is this guy? I've seen him before.

I've seen him in a hundred different things. Yeah. He's like the old guy from Babe. He's played the president, and he played FDR, but I don't know the guy's name. I've seen 20 like the old guy from babe. He's played like the president and like he played FDR, but like, I don't know the guy's name. I've seen 20 of his fucking movies though. So daddy Eckhart and mayor Daryl's dad attempt to tell their kids via

bullhorn to surrender to the North Koreans because North Koreans are forcing them to do so. But Tom Eckhart, Tom is, there we go. I wrote it later on. His name is Tom. Sergeant daddy, Tom ain't about that. greens because north greens are forcing them to do so but tom eckert tom is there we go i wrote it later on his name is tom sergeant daddy tom uh ain't about that shit he takes the bullhorn and tells his kids to go to war fuck these guys yeah uh i want you to kill this piece of shit or

die trying like could have left out the second part yeah no pressure kids kids i want you to go to syria become shaheed oh man i have to take up the black banner uh so that a lot of people in our our show we fantasize about joining isis i don't know what it's a thing but whatever um anyway the north koreans captain But whatever. Anyway, the North Koreans captain or commander, which is a captain, strangely. At least in the first Red Dawn, they give a little bit of background. Bella and his stoolies were former guerrillas. This guy is just Captain Cho.

That's all you ever fucking know about him. And he never wears headgear. No. I bet he put his hands in his pocket, so I'm not sure. That's got to be against Little Red Brook, homie. Now, he just shoots him in the face, which, yeah, moral victory there, I guess, Tom. Sounds like it would happen. Yeah.

I mean, probably. Yeah. He kind of just talks shit. I mean, he's a pretty bad North Korean for letting him get that far. Right? I expect more from the hermit as soon as he went off script you should have been like hold on a second yeah like that's not uh you're you gotta get got now or maybe they just didn't know english and they didn't get that

far and they're like hold on maybe we need a translator yeah i i don't think cho speaks english the whole movie no i that leads me to believe he's using the Google Translate app. And have you ever used that before? Yes. I used it in Japan. It's fucking terrible. It's awful. It's like, what's he saying?

It says his microwave is on the run. Fuck dogs. Degenerate. We have to shoot him. Because I remember asking some lady at this mall where Kakarot is at. Well, that's stupid. He's very obviously with King Kai. Well, first of all,

I wanted to watch the new Dragon Ball Z movie while I was there, and I was asking where, and they told me Tokyo. I was on a different island. And then I started telling other people. You could have led with, where is the movie theater? It was too much work, and I was drunk. I mean, you can't expect a random Japanese woman to like ah yes yes the super saiyan god i mean yes yeah he's right here that is my son i am a huge fan um and then i told other people that i was a famous baseball player because you're the only tall

Mexican that they knew. I mean, that probably would have worked. I got free Red Bulls. But their Red Bulls were weird because they were in a can. Like, not a can, but like a bottle can. Weird. It was like aluminum BLs. Oh. Yeah. You know, it's funny because one time

when I was in Austin, Texas, I think I was 20 at the time. So almost 11 years ago, I printed out and photoshopped fake press passes for South by Southwest. Nice. And I got to meet like a lot of famous people. So, by the way. Can you still do that? If you're listening to James Hetfield, I never got around to publishing that fake article I told you about,

but I did get to go to my first Metallica show ever for free. Every year. He just looks like, where's that fucking article on there? Is that little bitch? I have a picture of the fake press pass too. It's, I don't know if it's good or not.

I mean, who actually has a, a thing taped to their ears like he had a little pen to the collar of their shirt that just says press with it didn't say who i worked for like security sucks microsoft word just said press it wasn't much better than that i don't know how to fucking photoshop that's why he's at francis makeover t-shirts anyway moving on the uh after thomas shot uh the koreans and use a humvee mounted flamethrower to torch the cabin which admittedly is pretty

fucking sweet yeah yeah i'm assuming they didn't steal that one uh the group then decides they're going to fight uh because you know their dad told them I guess. And also after a big dumb speech by Jed. No, sure. I've imagined Josh wouldn't give a better speech. No. I mean, if,

if watching your dad get dome pieced, like outside of a cabin doesn't make you want to fight. I don't know what will. Would it make you fight? No, I'd actually probably go back. Thanks. I've been trying to do that for you! If you just waited two years, he was gonna do that

himself! You're just in the woodland giving it to yourself away, like, who the fuck is this guy? You know, I wasn't really into the whole Kim family dynasty until I killed my dad. You guys are pretty cool. Now I'm really into Cholima Theory, it's great.

Yeah. So, unlike the first Red Dawn, Jed begins to trade everybody in firearms and bomb making. And also some dumb kind of marine karate I'll call Semper Fu. They also have a pretty easy job sneaking in and out of town by the looks of it. They go in and out of there repeatedly to get supplies from people who support them. You know, recon. But it doesn't, like in the first movie, their support system, it was fleshed out. Like, they're family friends. Yeah.

This is your cousin, whoever. Everybody knows Jed from being the quarterback or whatever. But that's not really explained. They're just going in and out of stores. Sure. Why not? But they do this all in a montage with a Jed speech in the background to make it all look more American or something, even though, again, he's Australian.

They try to make this the dumbest American movie possible with having a very foreign crew. I understand that really shouldn't matter, but I find with all the jingoism mixed in, it looks really dumb. But also, I don't know what kind of regular ass marine knows how to build fucking ieds i don't fucking know uh i assume i have the same level of training as jed eckert does in this movie and i definitely blow my fucking face off if i try to like wire up a

command i feel like you wouldn't try or something no i definitely wouldn't i wonder if he's winging and he's like, holy fuck, it worked. I can't believe this worked. I only had to pull up three high school kids to figure this out. Since they have a bunch of hunting rifles

and lever guns, they decide they needed better weapons. Like the first Red Dawn, they use the women of their group as bait, luring soldiers away from a checkpoint

directly into a trap which has covered up foxholes in an alleyway in broad daylight in the middle of a city which is patrolled by North Koreans. Exactly. How did they do it? How did they dig up all this shit, cover it, and say, this is the plan?

Hey, fellow North Korean soldier, what do you think those Americans are doing over there digging five-foot fucking holes in the middle of broad daylight in that alleyway? No, no, we should just let them do it. Don't you think we should maybe arrest them, put them in that concentration camp we turned the school into? Nah, they're probably all right.

Okay. I did an ocular pat down. Yeah. One of them clearly has a gun. Is that a... Yep, that's a gun. And there's... Oh, yes, they're also wearing our uniforms.

Weird. Okay. So afterwards, they strip the dead soldiers uh for weapons ammo and gear and scamper off they use the north korean uniforms they stole to ambush another checkpoint and jack a humby doing the same thing again stealing weapons and ammo again in broad daylight in the middle of a city which i'm assuming has thousands of soldiers in it i imagine i also don't know how big Spokane is. It's pretty big city. What's the capacity for North Korean soldiers in Spokane? More than there is now.

That's true. They then redo that scene from the first Red Dawn where Jen and his brother shoot a deer and drink its blood. Yeah, they did redo it. Which is wildly out of sequence when you think about it because he had just taken part in the killing of like eight fucking people. He didn't shoot them. So I don't know if this was a scene that might get him to be confident.

He squeezed off a random burst and didn't hit anybody. But again, he actively took part in the murdering of around eight people. Like killing a deer at this point, fucking meaningless. Maybe executing like a POW or something real slow with a knife might do it. Uh, but like, yeah,

this doesn't mean anything. He's like, Jed, I've killed people. Please. I just need therapy. Yeah, sure.

But like, it's not what I'm thinking. It's dumb. I've, you know, there's no other way. Uh, there's no other better way to bond than hunting the most dangerous game,

which is, Oh, yes. Deer people. I meant the North Koreans. Deer is definitely most dangerous game which is oh yes deer people i meant the north koreans deer is definitely most dangerous uh yeah probably i mean the the deer does just have you ever gone hunting and the hunting party never comes back it's just a deer covered in blood yeah the deer spine some hunter wearing human skins like there was a an old computer game that was that. You played a deer hunting people.

Really? Yeah, it was on a floppy disk. That's awesome. Yeah. It was not entertaining if you were my mother and I was seven years old. I thought it was great.

She doesn't know. It was my first revolutionary act. Now, Jed gives a little speech how in iraq he was the good guy which i won't totally go into here because one no you weren't exactly and two i knew this was good well as soon as i saw that scene i was like oh man yeah what the fuck like yeah bro the now we're the bad guys we did we did multiple specials of why Marines in Iraq are all bad. No, seriously, guys. Don't play yourself as the good guys.

Shouldn't. But this time it's different because we are the insurgents. And I was really, really hoping that for a minute, Rajed is probably going to proclaim himself to be a terrorist because we don't get that. But also, he's a terrorist, which is fine because it's interesting where we always have to use pretty words

to church up what we're trying to be. Insurgents or partisans or guerrillas. You're a terrorist. That's fine because John Brown, the guy who launched slave rebellions in the South and massacred slave owners with broadswords in their families. Yeah. He's a terrorist.

But like he's a good one. You have to differentiate these two. You're using terror as a weapon. You're like you're blowing up checkpoints. You're launching machine gun ambushes in the middle of a crowded city. The Wolverines definitely killed a lot of civilians in this movie, and they just don't talk about it. The Wolverines are a terrorist group, but they're an all right one.

It's okay to say that. It's like, come on now. It's like, we're fine with the Zipistas in this podcast. But, like, it's cool. We're fine with it. Just have some nuance here. But anyway. You're going to lose a lot of followers over this. We're fine with it. Just have some nuance here. But anyway. You're going to lose a lot of followers over this.

That's fine. Yeah. The members of the Mexican government that listen to our podcast are finally going to cancel us. Anyway, like I said, Jed swears allegiance to al-Baghdadi and we're going to move on. Then we get a scene that has to be the first ever skateboard born ied yeah um it's like a skateboard with a fucking block of c4 attached to it and they hit it they they he's riding down the street and then just like steps up steps off of it and then just lets it glide into place it has to go obviously off course a little bit to hit the bunker. Yeah.

It's either remote controlled. With my look, it fucking hit some civilian shop. No, I've seen these skateboard and what would happen is I would attempt to do this, hit myself in the balls with the skateboard and then blow myself up. Oh, dick. Oh, right, Tate. And then you just die.

Because it's full of C4. But sure, whatever. The bomb blows up a fucking city block. We're not going to talk about the probably dozens of civilian casualties involved there because there's cars driving by and shit. Yeah, maybe there's some traffic. And this make-believe world, every car is driven by a North Korean, despite the fact most North Koreans

don't have cars. But sure, whatever. The Wolverines are watching from the windows as they see their first collaborators. One of which happens to be Pete, who was the guy who stole all their food with Joe. Yeah. Fuck that guy. And also nearly shot Jed in the face. I'll say fuck that guy.

Yeah. I was with him at first, uh, almost shooting Jed because I don't like him. But yeah, then you went and joined the fucking glorious People's Republic of Korea's... I forget. Democratic People's Republic of Korea because they're DPRK. Boy Scouts or whatever. Pete notices a member... After he kind of lightly bombed.

No, he puts the bomb in. He walks it in. There's a little explosion and everybody starts running in yeah to draw people in yeah yes then they blow up the secondary because jed learned the shit in iraq yeah uh because uh the north koreans don't trust him enough to give him a gun because apparently they heard what happened when when he almost shot jed yeah they also heard that he's a giant snitch yeah uh welcome to the uh the communist boy scouts you fucking snitch oh shit snitch platoon he tries to get everybody's attention

seeing uh not doing a good job because i'm pretty sure they don't understand what he's saying again they don't speak english they're speaking they whatever else the movie studio needs us to speak for this not to be incredibly racist. But yeah, him and all the other collaborators are then vaporized with a bomb. And it was so cringy when Josh Peck came out. And then gave him the middle finger right before. Hey, Pete! Middle finger. And I was just like, dude,

really? Yeah, in reality, he comes out like, there's only one God! Like, oh, Jesus! It'd be great if he went out and they're, hey, Pete! And then he, Josh, gets got. Right there. That's how Josh Peck should die. Like, there's a checkpoint across the street, like, what is this guy doing? If we're gonna redo this thing,

Josh Peck with the suicide vest he just walks in off rip the start of the movie north korea is not even involved yet the football game because he lost oh man fuck you walla walla also beginning of the scene wolverines didn't have a D-line. I mean, they were awful. Their draft this year really sucked from fucking Spokane Middle School. I don't know. Afterwards, Daryl, you'll have to forgive us. We're not up to snuff on Spokane High School football.

And if you are, get a different hobby. Don't tell us about it unless you have a kid that goes there slap a sticker on his helmet it's like when I was in Texas I worked in the Temple area when I worked EMS and a lot of the people

that worked for the same agency said hey man you going to the football game? and I thought they meant Baylor because it was only down the road and also we were owned by Baylor. So we got free tickets all the time. And they're like, no, Temple High School.

I'm like, man, I don't have fucking kids in Temple High School. It's weird as shit. It is weird. Like, why the fuck am I going to go watch that?

This is definitely a Texas thing. I mean, Texas has stadiums that cost tens of millions of dollars to play high school and they don't have healthcare. So, priorities. Yeah. I mean, also that's America. I tens of millions of dollars to play high school, and they don't have health care. So, priorities. I mean, also, that's America.

I've also been kicked out of Baylor. I mean, Texas is the id of America. All the problems America has are amplified there with an accent. Because Texas. We know we can declare ourselves to be our own country if we so please. God damn it. Anyway, Daryl and Robert end up in a subway. They decide now is a good time to commit an armed robbery.

It is a scene that is so out of place and fucking pointless, it is the best scene in the entire movie. That's why I said this is my favorite scene. If you separate it from the rest of the movie, it could just be the L.A. shootout. From like... Two people dressed in body armor and AKs bust into a place and rob it.

Or the riots. Yeah, or... No, because the black guy didn't get shot immediately. Oh, you're right. He's there. He's at the subway. No, LAPD is going to parachute down to commit a hate crime we heard we were needed um now the whole they they hold the counter guy

at gunpoint and force it force him to fill a trash bag with food which to be honest kind of smart uh maybe i would not rob a subway yeah but like hey at least they and now this is 2008 remember back before like subway was total shit uh they at least have vegetables i guess whatever um but also it's a subway full of americans that probably would have just given them food dude i also like hey we're the wolverines you've heard about i'm fucking you so i wonder also but they're all redid this scene. They're all very calm by the way. Very despite the fact a fucking bomb just went off like large enough to kill an entire building of people.

They're like, I spent my $5 a month on this foot log. I am not moving from this table. Exactly. If we did redid the scene i'm imagining half that subway is a shit ton of officers from the north korean army yeah just eating in their life on their 30 minute lunch break or whatever they just have their standards like give a veteran discount i'm sorry uh also i didn't enjoy the part where he puts a fucking bucket to the fountain drinks uh orange soda

because you know, Guerrilla War is funded by orange soda. I just see it sloshing everywhere. There's only one thing they love more than terrorism. It's orange soda. Because you know who loves orange soda? Kel loves orange soda. You're welcome.

You're welcome for that. But also remember, this is a subway in America. Two people bust in armed with rifles they're just like i guess it's a whole day i'm just gonna keep eating my fucking sandwich these ones probably aren't nazis whatever uh yeah after their feast of subway and orange soda matt decides it'd be a really good time to go on a solo recon mission to the local concentration camp which is a sentence did not think i was gonna have to say uh now that's where he discovers his girlfriend is being held which at this point he's like yeah let her go but also it hasn't been decided that they are boyfriend and girlfriend yet maybe side piece a really good

side i think he i mean it's josh man. He's, he's a guy. I'm not one to like shame people for how they look. Cause I'm an ugly man, but he's supposed to be like 16. This movie, he looks like he had a stroke. Like he's not, uh, even though Josh Peck is probably in his mid twenties by now,

when this movie is being made. Uh, I think he's the guy who's like, you know, I, I sent you a text if you liked me or not, and you never answered back. Oh, yeah.

But now if I rescue you from certain death, you have to give me the time of day. Now you have to answer my text messages. Yeah. Some real weird incel hero shit going on. But yeah, he finds out that's where she's being held. He goes back and talks to Jed,

who obviously isn't too happy about his idiot brother walking off into town. And that's when Matt reveals he took pictures of something important, which, again, has not been important this entire movie. But a local political rally that Cho is going to attend. So Cho and all the local puppetsets are all gonna hang out and talk about north korean stuff i don't know talk about how cool they are yeah uh meaning the wolverines can target the entire korean leadership apparatus in the city in the district all at once yeah also it's uh it doesn't expand upon what exactly that means or how big their district is is it just spokane or what the fuck does a north korean occupation of the western united states look like did they also invade new

york dc never fucking says but spokane you're on the radar uh now using uh deciding this is like their time to act uh and deciding that this this was a fact they cannot pass up, they decide to build a giant cartoonish bomb that is equipped with a giant clock on it. A giant clock? Ding!

It's like they made it from the Acme Guide to Jihad fucking magazine. He's looking at this giant bomb like, this giant bomb will be under the stage. They have the decoy bomb with the car. First off, they're trying to make it look like nothing's going on. It looks really suspicious of what they're doing over there by that car.

In broad daylight again. In broad fucking daylight. They're throwing a giant screw under it. It's like, ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah, and they're attaching wires and shit to everything. Come on, man. It's like, ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah. And they're attaching wires and shit to everything. Like, come on, man.

It's like 10 feet away from like a hundred Korean soldiers. And a few people that are around that one might be a fucking snitch. Oh, definitely. One is definitely like secret police. Hey, Hey, there's something going on over here.

It's looking real suspicious. Yeah. Maybe look out for the fucking one with the droopy face. Uh, I mean, I'm not, I'm not going to speak to the quality of a North Korean conscript, but they're not fucking blind. But this also looks at how bad their security is.

It's terrible. Awful. I mean, they have an active guerrilla group operating in their city. They're going to have an outdoor rally. 50 feet from the stage. Yeah. Matt forces the ambush to begin early because he's stupid and wants to rescue his girlfriend yep um which by the way it never really explains why

that just so happens to be a convoy of school buses driving down the street i think only one bus and he happens to see her when they start turning yeah it's really easy coincidence it's actually really easy to pinpoint a single person who an orange jumpsuit amongst 20 other people in orange jumpsuits from a moving bus at 40 miles an hour. In an orange bus. Yeah. Yellow. It's a yellow bus. Yeah, it looked a little orange in the movie.

It's because it's a communist bus. So, this action immediately gets a member of the Wolverines killed. So, good job there, buddy. Yeah. Just gets machine gun in the streets. Uh, while Jed discovers that Cho's already defused the stupid cartoon bomb. Yeah. He fucking, he's like, yeah, I heard the clock.

It was loud as shit. I heard the alarm go off. That was really dumb. I heard the tick, tick, tick, tick. This leads the Wolverines and Kareens that run around like idiots at the same time while wildly shooting at each other. This is also where they find out that Spetsnaz is after them. Yeah, some random Russians. I think they're doing the same thing.

That's pretty common that you see in really dumb media is that when they think Russia, they still think Soviet Union. Definitely not a thing. Got it. Maybe it's a nod to the fact that this is Red Dawn. I don't know. But still, Soviet Union doesn't exist anymore. Stop making those jokes.

Because the Russian military is incredibly inept all on their own. They have their own jokes that can be made. Small side note here though. That bus that Erica, who we've dubbed Matt's girlfriend, is riding on

says it's from the Ballard School District. That's 300 miles away from Spokane in Seattle. So, nice. They couldn't, like, you know, catch over. Yeah, also, like, the idea that, I mean, obviously the idea is that North Korea is probably occupying all of Washington,

but I have a hard time believing they relocated school buses from 300 miles away. Also, Maybe they went on a tour. Yeah, we really want to see scenic Spokane from Seattle in a school bus. You can go see our other camps. Yeah. Matt then jacks that bus that is full of people and takes it off through the city, while Jed begins being chased by Russian spetsnaz.

And Matt kind of says, fuck everybody on the bus, except for that one girl. Yeah. Like I said, they're fine with killing people. It just happens off camera. Exactly. The group makes their escape in a station wagon,

but not before Jed is shot one of many times. He gets grazed in this scene. Oh, no. He is a slight little... It does not look like a graze. He just gets gotten aside. But the bulletzed in this scene. Oh no, he is... It does not look like a graze. He just gets gotten aside. But the bullet wounds in this movie don't make any fucking sense.

The group makes their escape in a station wagon, like I said. But Matt is in a running gun battle with what seems like the entire Korean army in Spokane. But thankfully for him, he has a never-ending AK magazine, which never needs to be reloaded. Matt Erica quickly changed clothes,

ditching her bright orange jumpsuit, and leaving a weapon with the store clerk, which is now a surprise accomplished to it in a guerrilla war. Thanks! I wouldn't help Josh. No, I wouldn't fucking help him. He's running through the city, machine-gunning hundreds of people.

Well, just because he's Josh. I'd probably help your brother but you need to fuck off kid yeah your brother's good looking remember when you

lost that high school football game I now wish you death thankfully for Jed and his point Blake wound from an AK

it can be easily healed with just some stitches I feel like it was just cotton maybe some cotton it's like any stupid Hollywood movie that's like,

oh, you got shot, just stitch it close. You have those organs behind that skin, right? We went to Michael's. We got the sewing kit. I watched some YouTube videos. The movie then goes back to the city where the Cranes immediately attempt to execute the woman who helped Matt and Erica.

Who saw that coming? She has an orange jumpsuit and a rifle in her fucking store now. You'd think she'd get rid of those stuff. Really? Throw it in the trash. Yeah. Or maybe like, you know. This whole place is lousy with AKs. Throw it in the subway? I don't fucking know. Instead, she is saved by another Wolverine's ambush.

This leads to the big Wolverine scene where Matt fires off the longest burst from an M249 SAW machine gun. Surprised it didn't jam. In history without a jam. Yeah. It's like 80 fucking rounds.

You're like, holy shit. And then he fires it into the sky while cheering Wolverines. That bitch would have blown up in your fucking hands by now. And then we even more romance angles, which really have no place here i'm not gonna lie i skipped over that i mean this movie retroactively fucks up the bechdel test uh from the first red dawn uh which managed to do better despite the fact it was like 35 years ago um the first red dawn the women were soldiers uh there was some weird shit with the 50 year

old pilot and the high school girl for five seconds yeah there was but nobody ever spoke about that again and it was never brought up and he died so and she died no witnesses pretty much everybody died uh like in the first red dawn uh they attempt like there's that five second thing there and the very being like wash the dishes she's like fuck you all fight too and they're like okay cool we're soldiers which is like way more progressive than the goddamn u.s army is in 2020 but like in this one that's not the case at all uh these like they're all single uh like the first are done every single one was single they don't get paired up they're like they're an operating guerrilla squad yeah and this movie every single woman is paired up with a man. Until one of them gets killed. Yep.

Which totally takes away from the whole egalitarian resistance movement of the Wolverine's ethos that I thought I believed in. Which I think is kind of disrespectful in the way that it's used. But who would have thought that this really weird military movie wouldn't be problematic as shit. Anyway, the Koreans begin bombarding the Wolverines' hideout, tragically killing Jed's truck

and also two members of the Wolverines' truck. Damn it, no! The truck! The survivor of World War III! Do you think all the people are dead around like, Jed, look at all our friends. What about the truck? He's crying over a tire. Yeah.

Soldiers then swarm the area and force them to run. The Wolverines, so this forces the Wolverines to live out in the woods, where they're accosted by a group of not special forces, but special forces marine guys. Retired? Yeah.

That doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. There's a whole bunch of retired fat guys, but also we're sneaking through the woods. We're marines. Didn't you retire? Including a guy named Hodges, which is the most annoying fucking marine ever to put to film. Oh, so much. Which is honestly impressive

because, like we talked about before, they try to make the most boot-ass Marines possible in every Marine depiction of movie. When Jed smirked at him after he said, Jim, we're fine. Jed smirked.

Jed got a little hard on him. No, they fucked. They definitely- They had to. Yeah, they get a semper bust out of that. Yeah. Yeah.

I just fucking hate Hodges so much. The Marines filled them in what they missed, which include the fact that we talked about before that the EMTs, the EMTs, the EMPs jam electronics. The EMTs jammed everything. The EMTs fell asleep and got in a car accident.

Now, the EMP jammed all the electronics, facilitating the invasion, which doesn't make any fucking sense, but whatever. Cam Pendleton died. Yeah. Which, I mean, from what I understand, good riddance. I've never been there. The whole reason the

team is there to help the Marines went to seek out the Wolverines, which are apparently known in quote-unquote free America. What that is is never expanded upon. They said something about Alabama and a few other places, which is like the worst places to be. Yeah, I'd rather join the North Koreans. I'd be like, conscript.

Wait, the Confederates rose again? No, I'm actually really into this North Korea thing now. Yeah. You guys got my size? It turns out free America reinstituted something called slavery. This new concept. Yeah, the actual constitution has an asterisk next to it. reinstituting something called slavery. This new concept. Yeah, the actual,

the Constitution has an asterisk next to it. Now, the whole reason that the Marines are going to capture this radio that Cho has, which is apparently EMP proof and somehow holds the secret to the entire war effort, which, again, no information further is given. They talk about it being like a closed network and how it can't be hacked. So if they grabbed it, they can listen in and be all of a sudden like in their shit. Wait, you mean code breaking?

Yeah. This thing that's pronounced as literally the beginning of communications during war. Says we attached fucking notes to pigeons. This has been a thing. But sure, whatever. Fuck it. I hate this goddamn movie. You picked thing. But sure, whatever. Fuck it. I hate this goddamn movie. You picked it.

I know I did. I fucking hate it. I picked something cooler. Just saying. Now, the Wolverines and their new buddies move into an apartment across the street

from their target building which is like the Spokane Police Department. All these buildings just completely vacant. Like Wolverines just run free. Yeah, like where are all the people that live there? Did the Wolverines already kill them or are they in the camps?

Those are the two options here. So it turns out their plan to capture what I assume would be like attempting to capture the nuclear fucking launch codes, which are, by the way, given to some random captain who's apparently an MP or something. I don't know. But so it all boils down to doing sweet ninja parkour jumping off a rooftop. into some random captain who's apparently an MP or something. I don't know. It all boils down to them doing sweet ninja parkour jumping off a rooftop. I do remember that. Across an entire street onto another

rooftop. That dude said, cover me. Which really, this is the kind of shit that really reminds you that this movie was directed by a guy whose only other jobs before this had been a stunt coordinator. This would be fucking bad. Yes.

Like soldiers would just like go downstairs, walk across the street. Hmm. That's not cool enough. We need to do a front flip or some shit. Anyway, they jumped to the beginning, the,

the cross straight to the building and begin clearing it. Finding a Korean guy drunkenly stumbling around and hitting on somebody and kind of sort of attempting to commit sexual assault. Which, I mean, they are the military. This checks out. The building that they're raiding is the repurposed Spokane police headquarters. This is a big police headquarters for Spokane.

And it has a fucking moat in it! The entire first floor is a series of bridges with a moat! Or a pond or whatever. Every serious of bridges with a moat or a pond or whatever. Every serious police station needs a moat. I mean, I... With alligators in it. This wasn't shot in Spokane, and I've definitely been in the fucking Detroit police headquarters.

It does not look like this. LA police headquarters doesn't look like that. I imagine LA's police headquarters is the closest thing to a pit of misery as you can imagine. But sure, fuck it. I mean, maybe Spokane has the amount of money where their police department has a lake in it. We should take a...

That's what, Patreon, we go to Spokane. We're just going to go into the front door of the police station. I demand to see the lake! And you immediately get shot because you're slightly not white. That's why I'm not walking in. I have to stay in the car. Fuck, they'll think I stole it.

Shit! I still get shot at the end. Somehow I'm only going to be arrested. How do I not get shot in this? They're going to attempt to shoot me, but they're going to hit you. They'll want it if I can. And then I'm going to be arrested and uh they're going to uh on the news my high school graduation photo will be shown and my mom's like he's very

misunderstood you are now um their stealth plan in this building goes to shit almost immediately as they run into Korean soldiers and Matt tackles him while Daryl holds the drunk officer in his booty call at gunpoint. Yeah, and she starts screaming. And immediately just starts screaming like a banshee, which, sure, a random person is holding a gun in your face.

Meanwhile, outside the rest of the Wolverines begin to attack the front of the police station with RPGs, firing them with no backblast room whatsoever. Miraculously not blowing their own legs off, which if people are not aware, when you use a rocket launcher indoors and there's no room behind you, you will die or be badly maimed. You don't need it. Yeah. They also have to run because the cranes bring in an American made M1 Abrams to blow them up.

Sure. There's not even any tanks in Washington, but sure. That's a fucking striker brigade at JBLM. Need it. I mean, to be fair, if I was going to attempt to look cool, I wouldn't steal a striker either. The North Koreans jump in them and they're like, dump these in the sound. Fuck this shit. This sucks.

Inside the building, Jed tracks down Cho and starts shooting at him trying to get his magic box or whatever his Korean magic box he's trying to fucking clear his history before they get to it clear my browsing history it turns out

Jed can't be within 100 feet of a school like every other part of this movie the action devolves into ninja jumps and running gun battles until Cho starts winging grenades at the Marines, thankfully killing Hodges and forcefully finally fighting. Forcing him to shut the fuck up!

This whole time. About dumb Marine shit. And he, oh my God. I hope he's cremated and his other Marine buddies are forced to dip him. I feel like that's like the how high of Marines, right? That'd be the driest dip in the world. You're going to piss in it a little first.

Marines like pissing on corpses, so they're going to piss a little in the ashes. It's like how high, but for Marines. It turns out they dip their friend and they're just still dumb. I'm just kidding, Marines. I don't love you, but I don't hate you any more than any other branch of the military. I hate you all equally. You can blame the Army. Coast Guard's pretty cool.

Coast Guard's all right. No, they're with the Department of Homeland Security now. They're not technically in the military. They're the real winners here. Now, meanwhile, Daryl is tackled by his Spetsnaz guy and injected with something before running off. I thought he got fucking stabbed at first.

I thought he did too, which seems to make a whole lot more sense. But yeah, whatever. Because I guess they're trying to go remember the old Red Dawn? Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Because this scene doesn't need to happen whatsoever. No. Or maybe the other scene could happen exactly the same is because this scene doesn't need to happen whatsoever. No. Or maybe the other scene could

happen exactly the same way because his dad is still the fucking mayor which is the whole point of that character's background. I don't like this movie, Nick. Neither do I. I thought it was terrible. I bought it three times. Because the first time I was like,

nah. Second time, got up to the subway part nah two days ago at this point i'm on the side of the north koreans because they shoot jet again uh they do and uh they start playing hide and seek in a cubicle farm with uh with cho before the two of them fist fight and uh jet attacks him with a water bottle like you're surrounded by office equipment. There's a stapler around there somewhere. He sees a stapler, sees a pen. Empty water jug. Sees a letter opener.

Ah, water jug. Drink water, bitch. You look dehydrated. Cho's like, that didn't even hurt. I have a knife right here. Anyway, he eventually,

Jed finds himself of all these desks, of which is apparently hundreds. Spokane's a huge police department, apparently. Huge. Finds himself rolling under a desk, which just so happened

to be his dad's. And he just so happens to know his dad's lockbox key code that he has at work. I would forget that if I even did know it also you you think the koreans would have noticed a strange safe under this desk they've been working at a whole desk and then all of a sudden there's this giant metal thing sitting right under and they're like huh

yep anyway he pulls the gun out shoots cho after saying a dumb one-liner which i do not remember oh you fucked with the wrong family yeah and then kapow i think he said messed because it's a pg-13 movie he doesn't say fuck. I think it was fucked. Was it? Yeah. Because I remember hearing pussy in the movie too.

You think so? Yeah. Oh. Very sure. Maybe they get two per movie. You get a fuck and a pussy. You only get two. Yeah.

Anything after that, that's a hard R. Afterwards, everybody gets their giant gaping bullet wound stitched shut again by magic, I assume,

from an RPG. When you're playing Final Fantasy or whatever and you get punched in the face by a demon, don't worry, I know cure. You get shot in the chest and you bandage up like this? Yeah, it's like Fallout. You just pull the knife out of your arm like, I'm healed! That's not how that works.

They start shooting the shit, having family bonding time, which means having another smooth bottle of Rolling Rock. Oh, yeah. In another apartment. Yeah, in another apartment, which also happens to stock the fridge full of Rolling Rock beer. And then Jed walks out and gets shot directly in the fucking head.

Immediately, too. Just drops. Great shot. He doesn't even get a one-liner. Which, by the way, this has to be the most terminal case of blue balls ever because like he's leaving matt to go hang out this chick who's definitely doing like the fuck me eyes they're gonna go right because he even said unwashed gorilla war said to her like

i'll be there in a second gotta talk to my shithead brother and he just dies with like the most unrequited boner on it. It's just like, oh yeah. Also, Dome Beast. I saw this movie in theaters, like I said before, which is becoming a trend on the show. I watch all the worst movies in theaters. And I have to say, I did not see this coming. Well, you don't think that they killed Chris Hemsworth. No, exactly.

They would kill Josh Peck. No, they still should. Exactly. But also, there's no way this would have fucking happened if they filmed this with him already being Thor. Oh, yeah. Remember, they just thought they were killing off Crimson Hemsworth.

They didn't think they were killing off a movie star. Yeah, they didn't think they were killing the dude with a hammer. He didn't even get final words. He didn't get like a... He had final bones. I really wish I would have got some pussy before I went. He never got anything.

Like, just boom, dead drops like a sack of shit. It's over. Which again, honestly, cool death scene. Best death scene in the movie. Boner intact. The whole time.

He had it flipped up in his waistband. So his brother did see it. But yeah, I mean that to be fair, they killed him off in a way that was pretty rad. It was. Like you don't see the star of many movies getting shot blindly in the side of the head and dropping like a sack of shit

to the floor and not even getting off a one-liner like, I love you. Or whatever before they die. It was awesome. He just hits the ground

and shits himself or whatever. Definitely. Yeah, I mean, South Park told me. It's normally what happens. Yeah, anyway, then the house is raided by the Spetsnaz

because, sure. As Matt begins to take command of the Wolverinesines which all of a sudden yeah yeah i mean i guess it's i mean they're fighting the north koreans the north koreans follow a family dynasty rule to beat the north koreans you must become the north koreans that means power could only be passed to fucking north korea now yeah so you'll have to pass power through the Eckhart line. Oh, because dad died. Son took over. Son died.

Dome piece, bam. Josh Peck is Kim Jong-un! Breakthrough! I don't know. Future confirms past, man. I told you. When are we gonna get killed? I don't know. By somebody. I've had a lot of death threats to book events and stuff, which if you meant it, I'd tell you where I'm going to be.

You do in advance, too. Yeah. I've definitely been at most of these places with you. I have to be for the sake of marketing, but I also bring a gun with me because I've had enough Nazis to tell me they're going to kill me. You also bring me with you. Oh, yeah.

At the last one you were on crutches. I'm going to crutch slowly towards you. This is my danger zone. Everybody knows where I'm going to be. The address and time is published. I never took it seriously

until someone sent me a picture of the Seattle Barnes and Noble. Which, by the way, I didn't know where it was sent me a picture of the Seattle Barnes & Noble, which, by the way, I didn't know where it was when I went myself. We couldn't find it for a while. Yeah, and, like, they took a picture of the front of it under construction, which means it was really new and sent it to me as a threat. So, like, I brought a gun to that one. I mean, you only can be threatened by Nazis so many times until you take it seriously.

Until one of them is crazy enough. Yeah, yeah. And I mean, if you want to show up and wing me to make me famous, I'm cool with that. But I really don't want to die. So Nazis, aim for the arm. Left arm, preferably. I'm a righty. So if you're taking notes, take a note.

So do you throw right hand? Yeah, I do everything right-handed. I dohyllum variety. So, you know. If you're taking notes. Taking notes. So, do you throw right hand? Yeah, I do everything right-handed. I do everything right-handed. It's weird because I eat left-handed, throw right-handed. So, you can do both at the same time. I'm amphibious. Ambidextrous. Amphibious.

Of course. So, that's when it becomes clear that Daryl has been low jacked by that injection uh by the spetsnaz uh put like a cell phone gps in him like how small was it it it had to fucking hurt because that needle was the size of a goddamn bowie knife i thought it was a knife going in him and then they stuck something in him how does he not feel it which again this this whole part of the movie yeah you definitely would remember. They just sewed it up. But like, um,

this whole part of the movie is pointless. This again, we always go back to like, that's that scene from the volcano movie where the old lady is pushing the boat. Just get the fucking boat. Like this didn't need to happen. Cause like in the, in the original red Dawn,

he turns on them. Yeah. Because his dad, who is the mayor and a puppet tells him to on them yeah because his dad who is the mayor and a puppet tells him to in this one his dad is the mayor which is a plot device from the first one but no let's low jack him which gets rid of and and because now it's not his fault exactly they don't kill him which gets rid of that entire moral conundrum. They just leave him. All fucking pointless! They just leave him there and do a fucking suicidal last stand.

What? A little peace sign. You think they ever went by and they said, oh, he's by himself, and they just left him? That's what I would do! Oh, kill me, no! I mean, like, in reality,

you should, because, like, maybe they won't believe it works anymore and they'll let them back in yeah or i don't know he knows where they're going wasn't there also again there wasn't any how is this working you can't see me because this is a podcast but i just i literally facepalmed uh like unless every piece of electronic equipment that Spetsnaz and the North Koreans use are EMP-proof, in which case means that magical fucking box that Cho's carrying means nothing because you can just steal some fucking random squatty's goddamn radio and it has the same technology.

I hate it, Nick. I hate it so much. Sugar Ray is coming around 2020 thank you you know how sugar ray soothes me i have never been this mad at a movie before anyway the marines and their magic fucking boxer whisked away leaving the wolverines behind the movie then cuts to matt giving a speech to the group of what i assume are wolverine hated this speech i don't remember everything josh does is so fucking cringy in this imagine the guy from what drake and josh was disney channel right nickelodeon nickel even worse i like i think i don't know i used to when it was good nick at night was good too i mean now nick and night is

just friends and other shows i used to yeah it's weird i haven't watched tv in years uh but like imagine the guy from nickelodeon imagine imagine amanda binds from all that oh god follow me to battle the amanda show admittedly she's batshit insane now and would probably make a much better gorilla soldier than fucking josh paul a ruthless one too yeah yeah she she's trying to set somebody's driveway in fire not that long ago yeah um but that so after the speech they give this giant fucking frontal car assault on a concentration camp during this speech first off i was going over like i was like all right cool he's got more people is that a fucking minigun on a mustang oh i noticed that and then it zooms in as they're charging into

battle against a concentration camp which remember full of what i assume is hundreds of people that they know uh just blindly firing a minigun at it like just slaughtering their family and friends minigun rpgs going off minigunning my family and friends to own the communists. I'm liberating you from your body. You know, Wolverines. Yeah. And then the movie just kind of ends. It's kind of just falls off. It goes,

there's no epilogue, no grand ending of what we assume is world war. There's no rock saying like partisan rock doesn't exist. This just fades to black. We blew up con X's end. Yeah. Yeah. The only.

That was the best part of the movie. The only thing they did, that whole movie that I actually support is mini gunning Connexes. That's good. And that is Red Dawn 2012. I hate it. I wish I never watched it again. I'm hoping the next bonus is better. It has to be.

It has to be. We actually, we're going to have to watch a decent movie. Wait. I think I know. There's two that we were talking about. Oh, there's a few that are on the list for sure. There's two that I'm excited for. Nick, as always, thank you for

damaging your brain with me on this bonus episode. With this fine scotch. Josh Peck, if you're listening, we're coming for you. Also send us Patreon money. Thank you for supporting the show everybody um you paid for this movie actually i'm so sorry um you make what we do possible uh we're never going to run ads our regular episodes will always be free um and you get punished to

listen to an hour and a half of this for giving us money. So thank you for putting up with us. You support us. You support charities. You support a lot. December's was cool. I like that one. Yeah. Thank you so much for everything. Until next time.

And we hope that we have a movie that doesn't make me want to eat my microphone. Nick, any passing words? That is disgusting. All right. Nick just slapped his jaws into the mic. Until next time.