Lions Led By Donkeys Podcast - *Unlocked* Valkyrie

Episode Date: October 4, 2020

Tom Cruise is the worst pirate ever. Support the show to get more bonus episodes like this: https://www.patreon.com/lionsledbydonkeys Follow our Twitch Stream: https://www.twitch.tv/lionsledbydonkeyspod

Hello. We're doing this. Hola, como estas? Bonus episode, Lions Led by Donkeys. Yes. You voted on it. Special guest. We watched it.

Me. Yes. Special guest. The guy who co-hosts the show. Who's never here. Yeah. You voted on Valkyrie. We watch Valkyrie.

For you. And, you know, before we get into this stupid shit, I had one listener slide into my DMs and tell me, my favorite Tom Cruise movie is the one where he dies over and over again, which I think it's like the day after tomorrow. Oh, it is. Yes, it is. Because nobody likes Tom Cruise.

I thought you enjoyed Tom cruise i don't i enjoy a mission impossible tom cruise he plays the same character in every movie he does literally no difference between nathan algren from lao samurai and klaus von stauffenberg from valkyrie it's the same fucking character just missing an eye yeah and then it rolls into mission impossible and it's great yeah he doesn't act differently in anything um which you know we're talking about velcro starring tom cruise if you couldn't guess directed by the uh the hollywood pedophile brian singer which yeah whoops oof um also we both have dumb personal stories that are attached to this movie. We do. For instance, have you ever taken a girl out to a movie?

No. On a date? Oh, no. Really? No, I have. What was the worst movie you've ever taken anybody out to see? It definitely was that King Kong movie. Which one? They made a couple of them. It was the one with Samuel L. Jackson. Is movie which one they made a couple it was almost Samuel L Jackson that's the one with black in it he no so

it was the one with Samuel Jackson I can't remember who he's in everything you have to be more specific this is rough Skull Island. Okay. I haven't seen it. Was that a shitty movie? I did not enjoy it. Okay. So I brought a girl to the movie theater to watch this movie. And it should come as a surprise to nobody. That was the first and only date we went on. Now, was that based off of the movie or joe uh well the popular opinion through the women i've dated through my life is it was probably more to do with me than tom cruise nice when i'm putting

the burden of proof on tom cruise here he needs to come forward i'll let him on the show we'll talk about it i like this i'm blaming tom cruise um you know i enjoyed spending time with you so i would blame tom cruise too you want to fuck not not on the show okay maybe later uh so uh there's an interesting thing that i ran into while i was researching this movie um tom cruise and scientology in general not super welcome in Germany they're like they categorize as like a dangerous cult

yeah so like people were really really upset that he was playing Klaus von Stauffenberg to the point that like Klaus von Stauffenberg's grandson no it's his son who's still alive or was still alive back in like 2006 when this movie was being made uh was like i wish time like i i don't have an issue with tom cruise i just wish he kept

his fucking hands off my father jesus yeah i didn't know he fiddled his dad well like he he just hates tom cruise uh like play the idea of playing um their dad right um also like i don't think he fiddled him oh seeing how class one stop and break died in 1944 tell me how you did it fiddle fiddle fiddle and unless you unless you buy into the Scientology belief that Tom Cruise really is an infinite life form and traveled back in time to have sexual relations with Klaus von Stauffenberg, I don't think that happened. I'm going to go with a strong no. I like the idea. I mean, it's weird because they look so much alike, which is why Tom Cruise is picked for the roles. He really does look a lot like Klaus von staffenberg yeah he does um yeah a lot of people had probably at one point the ministry the german ministry of defense refused to allow the movie like anywhere near historical military

sites because scientology was involved and because tom cruise's a super Scientologist. Other than that, though, it strangely was... Historically, it's okay. I'm going to say, as far as all the movies we've watched for this show, it is the closest to historically true, which is not saying a lot

seeing how the last bonus episode involved space Nazis. And the one before that was The Patriot, which is completely made up. So, you know, we're not exactly come from strong stock. I do enjoy The Patriot from time to time. You know, it's guilty pleasure. I like the movie a lot.

Yeah. So with that, we will get to Valkyrie. The movie opens with a bunch of screaming Germans resetting the Hitler oath. And it will go to be like a recurring theme through the movie, which is weird. Like every time anybody brings up the plot, like you swore an oath.

Yeah. Like it fucking matters. I said an oath too. I've probably violated it like 20 times uh those are meant to be broken yeah that's more like guidelines if anything um so after that it flash forwards to the african theater of world war ii and tom cruise's klaus von stauffenberg is speaking in really bad german can we talk about the accents throughout the movie too oh man so yeah uh so he's a his character is ranting about um nazi war crimes talking about how the war is

totally lost um and he declares are the enemy of the world but more importantly uh the enemy of the german people and most war movies uh certainly every war movie we've watched for the show, even when they're starring people who are supposed to be German or Russian, like Enemy at the Gates, they all have British accents. Yeah. Even the Germans. Jude Law. Yeah.

Great. The Germans and the Russians have the same accent, which is dumb. And this movie's no different. The Germans all have British accents, with the exception of Tom Cruise, who just talks like Tom Cruise. Yeah, it's just a tom cruise accent yeah yeah um which tom can you do a little accent i am doing one oh what what language that tom cruzese i feel like he thinks he's doing an accent yeah he probably thought he was actually speaking

german the whole movie there's like what is this guy doing i mean i'm not saying that they should have well i mean it probably would have been more true to life they just got like a whole german cast and a german director and everything but um i'm not saying that tom cruise should have spoke german but like i don't understand the point of having him speak german for 10 seconds yeah for the two hour 10 seconds and you're kind of just like, what? Yeah. So he ends up speaking to a field marshal who he tells, like, obviously the campaign in North Africa is lost and we should try to save as many soldiers' lives as possible. Right.

They'll need them throughout the war. Yeah, yeah. Then he gets attacked by aircraft and partially vaporized via strafing run. And you have something to say about that fucking plane, don't you? You're dying to tell me. Well, it's kind of cool because when they were, because it was a P-40. And the museum I used to volunteer at before I really got into reenacting. Was it like an actual flying version?

Like it wasn't just like a stationary museum object? The museum I volunteered at, they strive for having all their planes flying. version like it wasn't just like a stationary museum object the museum that's kind of cool the museum i volunteered at they were they strive for having all their planes flying like they were known for that that's impressive so they have p47 p38 p40s they're trying to get their b17 up which oh i hope they do man i'd hate to be the fucking test pilot for that thing i would too go ahead and fly this 100 year old thing tell us how it works out so yeah the the same one i used to clean and tell people about this p40 was in that movie it's really cool i also had a few people i knew that were extras in the movie like for this scene or just for that scene specifically i mean you do know a shocking amount of reenactors who really like playing Nazis. I really do.

God. And boy, did they hate the actual actors that were extras. Oh, because how dare they have talent in acting and not wear the uniform correctly? Yes. That's exactly what they were mad about. Yeah. How dare they dishonor the dead Wehrmacht veterans of the African Corps? It was annoying when they came back.

They didn't want to get proper German haircuts. They didn't want to wear the uniform properly. And I was like, dude. I feel like that is, I don't know much about uniforms of anything, really. But that is spoken from someone who reads a lot and and isn't like they completely lack critical thinking because it's like i'm sure you've seen it i've taken part in it maybe you have as well whenever you watch modern war movies like they wouldn't wear shit like that oh from time to time but like more egregious things like gear that simply doesn't

exist or like you know the people who like to velcro their old acs all the way up to their throat yeah but like no one's ever like he needs a haircut when the when the when the movie's taking place like several years into a war right like i looked like a fucking homeless person during my last deployment because i mean and this is like an american deployment which by contrast to what i imagine a africa corps soldier member of the vermox was absolutely nothing terrible like i generally still had running water most of the time i had accoutrements they just simply did not and like they're not showering they're not shaving they're not getting their fucking haircut but like how dare they not have that top button of their jacket buttoned not getting their fucking haircut but like how dare they not have that top button of their jacket buttoned and that that's like something me and um when i had uh civil war humor on to talk about the

uh civil war and and mr pillow the biggest fucking idiot i think of the war um where i i was a little worried about uh talking about the civil war because there's all the reactors like they have it's like an intense fandom. I'll call it a fandom, more like a fetish. I don't really take part in any particular fandoms. Maybe a fucking Firefly or Final Fantasy or something.

Oh, he wouldn't wear those particular buttons that way. It's so serious. I can't even pay attention to this. No, and it is that way. It really is that way and it's really annoying because when you're in that circle it's kind of just like holy fuck it's grindingly annoying it really is because it automatically ruins a movie for that person yeah and i'll never be that way like i don't i don't hate don't please yeah like i don't hate

uh the hurt locker because of their stupid convoys or what are their stupid like none of that shit that makes sense i hate it because it's a bad movie yeah like i like velcro i'll still say i enjoy this movie it's is it historically accurate for our show sure i like the beast which is probably one of the dumbest fucking war movies i've ever seen it's entertaining like it doesn't have to be yeah we're broke ass historians that have a pseudo historian show but like we can have that uh suspension of disbelief when it comes to entertainment yes i enjoy battlefield one i enjoy battlefield five thank you I don't give a fuck if half the weapons didn't really exist. Like, I want to have

fun, man. This is for me to enjoy. Right. It's like, they, oh my god. Could you imagine how much? Because they hated the movie Fury and I fucking love the movie Fury. Yeah, the movie's, that movie is objectively a good fucking movie. I don't care what anybody says. Oh my god, I loved it. And I'm

sure I'm contractually obligated to enjoy it because I'm a tank crewman. But still, I liked it because for how unhistorically accurate it was, there's still parts of it that are like, yeah, that's realistic. And I don't give a fuck if this Sherman fired a goddamn laser beam.

It's a fun movie. That's all I... Could you imagine how boring and annoying an actual historical like war game would be the history channel tried doing it so they're making the civil war game the onion was terrible the onion ripped on that when they're like there's a a realistic iraq war game and it's like people like yeah i just drove around in circles for six seven hours and then like nothing happened and then i just went to sleep and then i noticed like yeah i my vehicle got blown up and i get sent home and now i'm really sad and i can't sleep

like it's fucking stupid like nobody wants to play that game. And if you do, you're a fucking psychopath. No, man. That circle had a lot of psychopaths. I believe it. They all wanted to dress up like Nazis in their spare time. Not all of them. I wasn't one of them. That's all right.

You could be the only Mexican Nazi that I know. No, but I did know a Mexican guy who joined the 12th SS in that circle. He fucking hated it because he joined it out of, I really like history. I feel like that's how I almost ended up in reenacting. That'd be kind of cool, dressing up as a grenadier in Napoleon's Grand Army, and then you end up meeting some of the weirdest fucking people on Earth. Your uniform would be terrible on you.

Oh, yeah. Your body proportion for the time. And I would have been kidnapped and turned into one of the king of Prussia's weird tall guy. Sir, you are absolutely giant. Yep. You are a titan of the old days. Yeah. We are going to go ahead and ship you to a different country to be fetishized by a weird guy named Peter.

Now chop his legs off so he fits in the boat. I can fit just fine. Alright, so back on topic. After the strafing run, Tom Cruise is pretty much half dead. He's pretty much blown apart. He loses his hand up to his wrist and a couple fingers on his

other hand. He loses an eye. And there's actually a fun fact here, if you want to consider any of this fun. Bryan Singer didn't want to actually put this in the movie because he was afraid people would think that they're trying to make Tom Cruise look too badass. But Klaus von

Stauffenberg refused all painkillers during this thing because he didn't want to be addicted to morphine. Which is like a surprising thing. That speaks to me in 2019 America. I don't want to get addicted to opiates. That was a big problem back then. Oh, and drug use in general

was a huge problem in the German army. They wrote a whole book about it. It's called Blitz. It's really fucking good. And then the movie flashes to the eastern front in 1943 and hitler and his like posse or click yeah or gaggle what do you did we come up with anything for that i don't know what you call a large group of nazis a murder like crows oh i mean it's apt i don't know uh anyway they land uh for a meeting and after they land everybody sits down to a nice piece of cake at a dinner table, as one tends to do whenever the evil incarnate human shows up.

Then it becomes pretty clear that several of the officers present are plotting something. Several of them are building a bomb, which is concealed in a box of whiskey. I would hate to have my whiskey tampered with. I feel like that's, you know, it's weird because Hitler wasn't considered a drinker. Like, he didn't do much of anything. Like, he was kind of a teetotaler. I feel like he probably just got it just to get it. Well, he did a lot of drugs, like pharmaceuticals that his doctor gave him, like methamphetamines and all sorts of other shit.

But, like, he didn't drink because he thought it was below him, which is weird. But I think that they were sending that box of whiskey to a different officer in Berlin. They weren't giving it to Hitler. They were giving it to their buddy back at home. Oh, yes. That makes sense. Unfortunately for them, the plan doesn't work. They learn Hitler

landed safely, and that is actually something that happened. Someone tried to kill Hitler with an IED hidden in booze, which is pretty fucking cool. It is. There was like a dozen serious attempts on Hitler's life

while he was Chancellor of Germany. I feel like this says something about him. Not a very popular guy, it turns out. The film then jumps to Berlin, which shows tons of members of the German High Command are all part of the plot to kill Hitler. And they begin to panic about their plan failing. It also seems that officers in this movie, who I should remind you, are plotting to overthrow Hitler, which is terrifying.

It is a police state. We talked about this a little bit during our White Rose episode. We're like people were knocking out their brothers and sisters yeah to the gestapo so like you know the fear is definitely in place um but they're totally comfortable just openly discussing their plans oh my god it's like the nazi version of the west wing dude just like walking shoulder to shoulder like taught openly talking about like national security plans yeah in the in a hallway and then going through a defect surrounded by, and there's like armed guards in the hallway.

But imagine being the armed guard. Like we were both shitty specialists at one time and you're an E4 and like a general walks by talking about killing the president. You're going to shut the fuck up. Like you're not supposed to be there that day. Yeah. Like I'm hung over. Dude,

I wasn't supposed to work today i didn't hear shit i am barely awake i puked like five minutes ago and it's hiding in the side of my really weirdly tall boots dude it's just jack boots i'm gonna vomit down my boot i'm gonna boot in my boot oh i at that point i'd be like fuck I hope I still have food in the fridge where's my fucking relief he's 30 minutes late and this is something that happens throughout the entire movie like if there's a hallway

and they're walking down it they're shoulder to shoulder that was a constant joke while we were watching they're talking about killing Hitler like in the open and even if they're not they're openly talking about other peopleler like in the open and even if they're not they're openly talking about other people who are connected yeah to the plot like like the one thing you don't want to give out is like the the strings connecting all the dots on the wall and they're

just like talking about it in the fucking chow hall we got fern over there fern raise your hand yeah hey oh so colonel stoffenberg yes my brother is invited raise your hand sir Yeah. Hey-o. So, Colonel Stauffenberg. Yes, my brother is invited. Raise your hand, sir. Yes, he's... See him? Across from him? We're gonna kill Hitler! Yeah.

What? We're gonna kill Hitler! Oh. Yeah, I'd like cake. No, no. Okay, yeah. Oh, we're gonna kill Hitler! Okay!

But cake sounds good, too. Yeah. And, like're going to kill Hitler. Okay. But cake sounds good, too. Yeah. And then, like, nobody ever hears anything. Yeah. Which is starting to make a lot more sense why the Germans lost this war, because they're apparently fucking oblivious. I mean, I'm oblivious as well.

Yeah, I'm totally guilty of that. I get lost on my way home all the time. Oh, wait, nope. That's the brain damage. My bad. this is the first house i've been to where i haven't had to use directions from my house you live 20 feet away from me it's great i'd like to say that uh the movie finally gets back to tom cruise who is recovering in the hospital and has been turned into the worst pirate ever um and he can't like button his shirt anymore

because he's like claw hands uh claw hand okay friendly reminder here it's totally okay to insult wounded soldiers if they're nazis so yes take that claw pirate you bitch he was giving out the awards too like the fucking best and all i could every time he throw an award on their chest like here you go bitch here you go you bitch make it hail he can't make it rain because it's not cash he has to make it hail because they're coins but like his hand is effectively

the claw grabbing machine from a shitty carnival so after he hands out all those medals they're called wound badges to German soldiers, it becomes clear that Stauffenberg has joined the plot to kill Hitler and is invited to one of their meetings. And that whole scene of him handing out medals is supposed to be pretty poignant, I assume, to less jaded and bitter people watching the movie. But it looks really weird because nobody around him is that badly wounded as he is.

There's that one dude that has a cut across his cheek. Yeah, he has some scratches. Like fucking the cat or something got him. He actually was wounded by a cat on the eastern front. It was a real mean pussy. Those Russian pussies. And he's

handing wound badges out to everybody like dude you're And he's wearing like a white jacket Which I'm sure is a dress uniform for the Nazis And I really don't give a fuck But like it just looks stupid And that's something that happens throughout this whole movie Every time they try to have like a poignant scene We laughed at it

It's like it's objectively funny It's just the idea Of this guy holding like Almost like a ring's objectively funny it's just the idea of this guy holding like like almost like a ring bearer and he's just like here we go yep there you go you bitch yeah make it rain here you go you pussy nice scratch on your face i don't have any fucking hands you asshole um and so he stop and bring it starts attending this meeting and like i don't know about you you've maybe you've never been to like you're not a political guy i've been to i've been to several political meetings and this is actually maybe an accidental great representation of every political

meeting i've ever been to is it yeah because it's a whole bunch of people who like fancy like they're like fancy boys. They're wearing whatever clothes they need to subscribe to whatever subculture they agree with. And they're just arguing about small details while accomplishing absolutely nothing. Shout out to Olympia. What's up, guys? But yeah, that's pretty much every political gathering I've ever been to. And nothing gets done they'll they'll sit around circles and like argue about like bylaws that are completely unimportant and in the end of the day you might have some kind of agreement of like what color

the curtains to the room are and that's anything else like that's pretty much it yeah it's completely pointless okay i i'm completely i have no desire to go i'm completely disenfranchised y'all i don't know what you want me to tell you um so stoppenberg waltzes into that meeting and pretty much takes control like i just want to point out also this dude has i don't know do you uh big dick energy i guess throughout the whole movie he definitely definitely is Big Dick Energy. Throughout the whole movie. It's weird to me to say that Tom Cruise is Big Dick Energy. But I believe BDE is pretty apt here.

I think the Jack Boots gave him a few inches. I don't know. He's been always kind of a mini badass as much as any Nazi has been. He's a colonel, which, I i mean not a low rank by any means he's been in the military since like 1930 um but this room is full of generals and field marshals yes like and he's like no this is what we're gonna do listen up y'all because and they're like we're listening he replaced a dude named oster yeah i call him oyster for my for me general oyster general oyster and uh this guy goes the good thing about oster hosting the parties he never talked oh and they all had

did their fucking laugh right so they're basically talking like talking shit on him it reminds me of that meme where it's like the family guy meme where meg walks down the stairs it's like you get you guys always think you're better than me and then it pans to the rest of the family sitting in suits around the living room like that's pretty much what happened when Stoffenberg walked into the room and which is dumb to me because like it makes

Stoffenberg look like an outsider when like in real life his brother and cousin were involved and Stoffenberg is related to German nobility. His real name, his full title name is Klaus Graf von Schenck Stauffenberg. He's a baron. He's quite literally aristocracy, which all these people are as well.

So this movie tries to play him as an outsider when that was just never the case. Right. They weren't cool with him. Right. He wasn't part of the clique at the point he was definitely part of the crew that would be playing this shit and then all after that scene the nighttime raid the liberators oh yeah when he gets bombed yeah so uh yeah going back to his family uh they go softenberg goes back to his house and uh his kids dress up in nazi uniforms and

march around they're it's at first sound like goose stepping and then it looked like they totally were and like his kid was wearing his officer's hat and throwing up the hitler salute and you know i feel like tom cruise is only upset because his kids well his kids at home normally dress up as the c-org and like he was like that's not the right fascist symbol and then so another really poignant scene that we laugh at is like his family takes over from an air raid which

Nick points out is probably the British yeah Nighttime yeah the Liberator Night Raids and then like Wagner's Flight of the Valkyries play in the background get it get it the movie's Valkyrie. Are you understanding the point? It's not like ham-fisted.

The whole fist is ham. That's if you know that song. Who does not know Wagner's Flight of the Valkyries? I can fucking name off 20 people off my contact list. You're in the army that does not count. Okay. You know that's fair that's not even discriminatory that is really fair no it is and what's even funnier is stauffenberg's uh

relatives openly so wagner is really popular um current day with like neo-nazi types and stuff but he was really popular as part of like um he he he was folded into the greater nazis are the um the or the germans are the iran race type shit because look how great this music is right but stoppenberg actually hated wagner like the real guy didn't like him and like i feel like brian singer slid that in there as like a diss. Go fuck yourself, Klaus. You one-eyed bitch. Yeah, his own family is like, he hated Wagner. He would not be listening to that.

I wonder if while he's in the bunker, he's like, fitting. Just listening to that bullshit. Anyway, Stahelberg begins to unveil his plans to overthrow Hitler, and that is Plan Valkyrie, a contingency plan that really did exist in the case of civil unrest the german reserve army would seize and secure the state from the outside agitators but the for the in order for this whole plan to work it would require them to rewrite velcri totally excluding the ss giving them the ability to deploy the reserve army against the SS,

saying that they had killed Hitler and were staging a coup. That is all things that happen. Can I, the scene that you're basically explaining, before they get to the reserve general that basically just is in charge of the whole reserve army. That's General Fromm. There we go, General Fromm from before they get to them they're talking about it in another hallway yes on their way to his office yeah on their way like full of and you know from has probably like 10 people that

work directly for him like are you talking about from being a traitor must have just heard things like there at this point throughout the whole movie i'm just like oh yes another hallway perfect time i can think of no better time to talk about high treason yes um but so they have to win over general from because he commands the reserve army um so they have to go meet him and upon upon meeting him, Fromm immediately insults Stauffenberg for having his hand blown off. Which is like weird flex, but all right. He says, I'd shake your hand,

but I'm afraid I would never get it back. Which is like, fuck you, buddy. You don't even know me. My stump is cool. Yeah. So once in his office, Stauffenberg immediately rolls out the treason sales pitch.

He, really straightforward. If Fromm backs the plot, Fromm would earn a promotion. If he shoots them down, like, so, and then,

Fromm's pragmatic, which ends up biting him in the ass in the end. He knows this plan isn't going to work. Like, because like I've said a million times, the Nazis did a really good job at forming a police state. If you're terrified of Hitler, you're never going to act against Hitler. And that's where Fromm kind of buys in.

He tells them as long as Hitler is alive, he would be on Hitler's side. Well, shit, that's easy. We just got to kill Hitler. Then Fromm's ours, right? who's going to kill Hitler than from czars, right? And then they go to a party, um, where Stoffenberg slips his fucking fake eye into somebody's drink to get their attention,

which admittedly something I do all the fucking time. If I had a fake eye, I, I, yeah, I would too. I enjoy doing that. It's weird that they did this because...

Do you think he chilled his eye? I would hope so. I mean, otherwise he's going to ruin the whiskey. Yeah. Because up until this point, Stauffenberg has never once put a fake eye in. It's true. He only slips in some dude's drink,

which, honestly, that's like how I see Dan Crenshaw finally asking about AOC. It's like she's going to go to a congressional meeting and there's going to be an eye floating in her fucking cucumber water or whatever. What kind of eye would he use it's probably gonna be like a fake eye with like a texas state flag in the middle oh i was thinking like his number oh that is his number you actually just pick up your phone and just fucking scream alexa texas and it just calls dan crenshaw because he's the most the most Texas man to ever exist. Jesus.

As someone who owns property in the state of Texas, I'm allowed to say that. But also says everybody else because Texas sucks. I also imagine at the end of that scene, fucking Stauffenberg is like, time to put the old eye back in. It stings because all the ugg ugly... I should rinse this off. It's covered in whiskey.

Committed. Already committed. I wear contacts every day. That's like... I can't imagine... That's your defense? I can't just blink really fast and hope the tears take over.

But I'm just going to fill my eyeglass cases up with German whiskey and see what happens. that's terrible um and then uh as any good high treason plot does staffenberg begins dictating his new valkyrie plan to his secretary under a fucking bridge yes this whole meeting took place under a bridge. Like the most inconspicuous fucking people on earth. These guys live in Berlin. Like the hive of Nazi activity in Nazi Germany. I hope you understand this has to be done under the bridge.

The hallway is quite full at this point. We're like, even though every single person that's currently talking has their own office they really do or let's let's just say maybe their their office is bugged because like in that in that scene where they're talking to from yeah from on his phone because he assumes that the gestapo has bugged his office which sure probably taps you know yeah um but like they all have houses but no let's go to let's act like a bunch of trolls and hang out under the bridge. Not the Red Hot Chili Peppers song under the bridge.

They have a song called Under the Bridge? Yeah. I'm assuming like every Red Hot Chili Peppers song. It's about how cool weed is. And also California is kind of cool. I like Red Hot Chili Peppers. You're from California. You're contractually obligated to like.

They have good music. It's like I cannot legally badmouth Eminem or the White Stripes. All children who listened to Eminem in my school that were white smelled of like secondhand smoking cat piss. I mean, I probably also smelled that way. Including cat piss? Probably. If you live in it enough, you don't smell it anymore. No, yeah.

Same reason why that smelly kid that comes to work or school every day, like, how does he not smell that? Because that's probably what his house smells like too. Yeah? You are the true Eminem kid at school. No, because I had no talent. No, you were the kid that listened to Eminem at school. Oh, definitely.

You were definitely that kid. I listened to ICP when I was in school too, like middle school, because I thought it was edgy and cool. Well, I mean, when you're in middle school, your taste is terrible. That's really true. Like, I thought the chicken fucker episode of South Park was like the pinnacle of comedy, because it's just, huh, huh, huh, that guy's fucking a chicken. So, of course, I thought ICP was entertaining. Like Red Rocket, that episode?

Not the same episode, but same idea but same idea no yeah that was my middle school episode for me I mean like I wanted to be like I thought that was funny but then like if I watched or listened to that now it's hilarious in a different way because how stupid it is very and I thought

Eminem was like the peak of edgy because like I was listening to the song Kim, I think it was like second album or something like that. He's killing his wife. Now I'm 30, almost 31. Now I'm like, oh my God, it's domestic abuse. This is horrible. That didn't age well.

No, nothing about middle school aged well. If you're as old as I am, nothing about middle school aged well. If you're as old as I am, nothing about middle school aged well. I watched a movie the other day, if you remember, Waiting. Yes, oh my God. That movie is terrible. It's literally nothing but homophobic slurs

and sexual harassment for two hours. So yeah, when I was younger, oh, this movie's great, it's so funny. And then you watch it now, and you're kind of like, hmm. Like American Pie. I grew up with American Pie. It was a little bit before your time you caught like the the tail end of that like revenge porn is within 20 minutes of the first movie like jason biggs character would

be in prison for like five years for what he did oh man good times yeah yeah things age badly they really do anyway back to the nazis which also that's a good pivot there yeah um so they're talking about like because the the start of operation valkyrie is the fuhrer adolf hitler is dead and then like she's typing it and then looks at him all concerned. It's really confusing. Wait, is this why you invited me under the stink bridge of the nomad?

Wait, when Hitler and death are in the same sentence, that's the look you give. Like she looks at him super concerned like, oh, oh,

this is treason. Yeah. Like they invited you under that bridge for a reason, Broomhilda. Hitler dead. What?

What, what, what, what, what? And then, uh, Stauffenberg is promoted Broomhilda. Hitler dead. What? What? And then Stauffenberg is promoted to chief of staff of the reserve army. And so his revised plan, it has to get signed by Hitler for it to be final. As part of his new position, Stauffenberg gets a aid. So they bring the aid in for a kind of like a job interview he was really straightforward with that aid yeah so

he looks at him and says he's in the middle of committing high treason with like every means that are available to him are you okay with that and the LTE just like shrugs like yeah fuck it I'm in, whatever.

And now there's a lot of historical sources that point out that that exact conversation actually happened. Which is ballsy as fuck. It is. Big dick energy. Maybe that's what it was. Yeah, he just makes eye contact and he's like. Single eye contact. Not both eyes. Yeah.

He aims for the t-slot like he's like gonna kill hitler the lt's like yeah right just don't look at me ever again just please never eye me like that and so it's so they they have um an interview with hit at Berchtesgaden. And this is where real life and the movie kind of take a turn. And Bryan Singer has actually openly said, I did this to not confuse people. So there's a meeting in the movie where Stauffenberg meets Hitler to get Operation Valkyrie personally signed, which has never happened.

Remember, Stauffenro might be a chief of staff, but he's still just a colonel. In reality, what happened is the plot was for the first plot because Stavro had two plots to kill Hitler, both of them with a bomb. The first one was that Berchtesgaden was

abandoned. In the movie, they just turned it into a meeting with Hitler, which as far as anybody knows, just never happened. In order to get Valkyrie signed by Hitler, like most things in the military, it involves weeks of sending paper back and forth by General Ulbricht, who was the one person up in the chain of command and also in the plot from Stauffenberg. So this scene never fucking happened. But what's really funny is that's the first time in the whole movie

that he puts his fake eye in because Hitler just can't stand to look at his fucked up face or something. He's like, oh, seeing the fear, I got to put in my dress eye. Yeah. My whole thing is he should have gone in there with the eye patch and said, Hey, Adolf, old boy, this eye patch is a talking piece. It's peacocking for Nazis. Yeah.

I hope you like my Hitler appreciation eye patch. Yeah. It's got your face on it. It just says Hitler, and he flips it up. It says forever, but like the number four and like the heart around it but in the movie because hitler's a doddering old idiot he just tells everybody in the in the meeting room just like himmler and gobles and everybody else because it's like the fucking evil triangle of nazis and he just signs it because he's an idiot so also what do you think all three

of them talked about just hanging out together poop stuff like they're probably all in a weird like so you know you know the the overarching like ideas like hitler either is missing a testicle or he's into like weird sex stuff well robert Evans, Behind the Bastard, did a full episode about Hitler's sex life. That's awesome. It's fucked up. They were all really cool fucking their cousins. Hitler fucked two of his cousins. Because we're talking about Hitler's sex life,

and I want to make everybody know the things that I know because this is why you're here. He had a love affair. Like, he wasn't fucking his cousin. He was in love with his cousin. Like, full Alabama love here. And he kind of, like, ghosted her, so she killed herself. Oh, I did hear about this.

Yeah, like, shot herself with his handgun. Yeah. But that's probably what they talked about. I was like, so fucking a good cousins lately. And like everybody in the room, there's just so much tension. Also all of Goebbels kids first name start with the letter H out of like reverence to Hitler. Maybe they fucked. Hitler and Goebbels?

Yeah. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if Goebbels Cucked himself to Hitler So Hitler would fuck his wife That's totally something they would do Sit in the closet But like all fully clothed And they just unzip enough to slip their dickhead through That'd be really nasty with some wool on

Yeah Wearing like full wool uniforms Just fucking through the fly But also through a hole in the sheet because you gotta stay pure to be an aryan it's true while bone dry the wool doesn't help magda gerbils was not allowed to be wet because that is unter mensch god i wanted to say something about the room they like there's a lot of tension in the room the whole time that stoppenberg is in there i just want to move forward now but you don't want to picture the fucking gobls having sex i don't want to picture either one of

them all i had to say was that hitler Goebbels probably for sure fucked. You know, so Eli Roth and so he was in Inglourious Bastards is like the bear Jew and that was directed by Quentin Tarantino. So like we have to blame them for what I think is the only sex scene that Joseph Goebbels character ever had. Oh, yes. Oh, fuck. Yeah. And he's fr ever had. Oh, yes. Oh, fuck yeah. And he's frantically banging some chick from behind, fully dressed, and screaming. And she's just like,

we should go get Strudel later. No care in the world. No, because he's definitely got a baby dick. For sure. Baby dick. Baby dick energy. Yeah. Explains all the racism.

So after this meeting, they begin to get all of their bomb materials together from another Nazi who kind of looks like a human thumb wearing glasses. Very. The idea was the bomb didn't need to be super powerful because one needs to be able to be carried on your person or in Stauffenberg's case like a satchel

a man's bag which also I really just wanted one of those leather sweet bags it just reminds me of the Friends episode where Joey got a man's bag and it's called a purse and Hitler had a tendency would I carry my laptop in it?

I don't know. Nope, just sandwiches and bombs. Yeah, I'd carry a sandwich or soup. Just a satchel full of soup. What do you carry in there? Do I hear sloshing? Soup. What is it?

Chicken noodle. Ah, good choice. That's just in this compartment. Check out the laptop compartment. Clam chowder. Oh, that smells so bad. That's just in this compartment. Check out the laptop compartment. Clam chowder. Oh, that smells so bad. That smells terrible. Imagine clam chowder just fermenting in your satchel.

Yeah, because I definitely would forget about it. I for sure would. I forget about my lunch every day. Like with the protein? Here, your fucking shaker bottle. Oh, when was the last time I opened this? Oh, God. This smells like the taint of Satan himself.

Well, the idea behind their bomb was it could be small because Hitler always had their meetings in a bunker, like a reinforced concrete bunker, and then the air pressure when the bomb went off would effectively liquefy the insides of everybody that happened to be at the meeting. Then they began to fuck with the reserve

army by randomly ordering them to mobilize. Now this made sense. Honestly. If you condition them to just be constantly mobilized, when the day actually comes, they're not going to miss it. Keep them on their toes.

Yeah, and that angered their commander who happens to be swimming laps in a pool decorated with giant swastikas made of tiles, because of course it is. And I don't know why him getting out of the pool, it totally just brought me back to Casino Royale with Daniel Craig coming out of the water. He, I don't

know why I wanted to see that i'm not saying i believe phrenology or like nazi racism i'm gonna go ahead and say if there is a master race like a multinational master race daniel craig is definitely perfect because that dude's a snack yeah he is oh my god he's a snack. I'd let him get me pregnant. Oh, definitely. Now I want to play Battlefield V. So, meanwhile, Staffenberg flies out east

to attend his fateful meeting at the Wolf's Lair. Also, when they're assembling this reserve army, these guys are picking up helmets off a shelf. They're just rushing from their bunk beds. There's just shelves of fucking helmets and then weapons along the weapons racks.

First of all, I know for a fact with my luck, somebody would definitely grab my helmet. Oh, definitely. Who has my helmet? That happened all the time. Our helmets have fucking name tags on them. Like emblazoned all over them. And people still grab them. Does somebody grab yours?

All the time. Whenever you have like a basic training. Ready line! You're just scrambling for shit. I'd find my vest and my helmet's gone. Whatever, there's a helmet. And then you have to think thin and squeeze the chin strap in. Yeah.

It's when you can't talk. It's one of those types of squeezes. You're just like clenching your teeth. I've definitely put one on that was way too big. Yeah, that was pretty much all of mine forever until the ACH came out. When we had the old K-Pot

because the K-Pot never really fit anybody. That's before me. Yeah, it's a little bit before you. Showing my age. You really are. Yeah. Anyway. Before this goes in any more of mine with your goddamn kids and your jewels and your Fortnite. Staffenberg

flies out east to meet with Hitler at the Wolf Slayer, which is kind of funny. Hitler named a lot of things Wolf. If people haven't noticed, that's because that was a nickname that he gave himself during his early days. If you give yourself a nickname, it's not cool. No, like during the beer hall push, he like demanded people called him Wolf and dumb shit like that.

Like there was this code name. Yeah, I never had a nickname that I ever fucking picked for myself yeah i never had a nickname that was cool like the second you make a nickname for you it's not a nickname it's something to be mocked by like i had a couple nicknames while i was in military one of them was ass because like i had i have ass in the middle of my last name if you haven't noticed yet. And another one was Clydesdale because my legs are big and I can carry a lot of weight. It was my code name. If I'm a fascist dictator, I'm like,

call me Clydesdale. Fuck no. You just need to remember the fucking horses from the Budweiser commercial. Mine was penis wrinkle for a little bit. I can see that. I can't. I don't know how you can. You kind of look like one. I don't look like a wrinkle at't. I don't know how you can. You kind of look like one. I don't look like a wrinkle at all.

I don't know who resembles a wrinkle other than... Also, I don't know what a penis wrinkle is. What a penis wrinkle is? Yeah. All right. Take your dick out right now and look for a single wrinkle. I mean, there's plenty of wrinkles. That's what it looks like.

But no one ever looks like one. Exactly. Which is why I guess I was one. I guess you just look like a circumcised penis. I mean, it's better than an uncircumcised one well an uncircumcised penis have significantly less wrinkles true so you know take it for what it's worth yeah i took it for take it for that that was my name that that was my name i mean yeah because like hitler was in the in the german army during world war one so like you know he had a significantly worse nickname. He was the dude that got bitched on for sure.

Hey, shit dick. My name is not shit dick. It is wolf. You will call me wolf. Shit dick, get up here. Just fuck him up with that velvet. He just sat there smoldering with his shitty little mustache. And when he became like, you know there was someone

who actually liked his political ideas. Like, hey, I remember Shit Dick when he was just a corporal. And that dude got executed immediately. I am Wolf now. You will call me Wolf. I hope there is some dude, Shit Dick!

At the Nuremberg rallies, all the way in the back. Shit Dick! Just wait. Then there's another dude, the vets on the other side. at the Nuremberg rallies all the way in the back shit dick there's another dude the vets on the other side yeah I remember shit dick anyway so he

he called his entire lair the wolf's lair because he's lame as fuck and then in the movie because we've already explained that there's the initial attempt was at the Brescia. And then in the movie. Because we've already explained. That the initial attempt was at the Brescia's garden. And in the movie. The initial attempt is abandoned. Because Heinrich Himmler isn't there.

Which is kind of a big problem. Because he was supposed to be one of the major targets. Forcing them to call off the attack. During that process. Of them saying hey. Himmler is not here. And it has to go down the line. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I imagine once it got down the line, it was totally, completely different. It was literally the definition of the game of telephone. Yes. Because they're using the old like cord where you have to plug in to talk to

the next person, the next person, the next person. By the time it gets down to like general Ulbricht, it's like, sir, Colonel Stauffenberg says, says uh the turkey is very moist i i don't know what that means moist turkey is that a code word something's wrong turkey moist he says himmler is not at the moist turkey i don't know what he's talking about

whatever that's what i honestly and then it has to go back up which is awesome by the time it gets back to Stauffenberg it's just birds screeching Olbrich says caw caw caw tookie tookie he lowers the phone

looking directly at the camera in his steely one-eyed Tom Cruise gaze. He's like, the general says, caw, caw, caw. That means I have to abandon the attack. Also, he wore an eye patch in the wolf layer. I don't think Hitler liked that. No, Hitler was definitely, because he remembers like, ah, mein fuhrer. You remember Colonel Stauffenberg?

And he just looks over at him like disdainfully where is your eye sir well you see i have a different eye patch from the last time yeah you see i i dunked my eye in whiskey sir and i can no longer use it um and so it leads him to call off the attack and they end up going and talk to Fromm again, which kind of leads to an inadvertently hilarious scene where Stauffenberg is forced to throw up a Hitler salute. And because you give the salute with your left hand, or is it right hand?

Right hand. Right hand. You're forced to give the salute with the right hand. That happens to be the hand that Stauffenberg is missing. He gives the right stump. Yeah, so he like throws up his gnarled stump and then you get a wonderful wonderful scene of tom cruise screaming heil hitler which i'm sure he doesn't regret at all oh man i really hope he would and you know the whole scene ends up looking really dumb because

like i know this is supposed to be poignant. Again, every time they try to be poignant, they look stupid. And we laugh at them. Yes, very. Like, oh, he's trying to show his loyalty to Hitler. Cost him a hand. Yeah. This is deep. Yeah.

Let's make this. Let's do it. So fucking deep, guys. Anyway, Stauffenberg and his boys decide to go head out to plan the next day at another meeting. Yes, Wolfslayer Part 2. Yeah, Electric Boogaloo. But not really. The weather turns unseasonably

hot, moving the meeting to a different room with windows. Not the concrete bunker, but he's planned for. Again, this is something that actually happened. They planned for the uh the concrete bunker they got a room with windows because ac hadn't been invented yet or they just live in washington state nobody owns fucking ac it's awful here uh my house has ac fuck you sir

you bougie bitch it's so good once inside the meeting stoppenberg is forced to set up his bomb um which so you end up getting a pretty glaring lesson on the fact he has about one half of a whole hand to himself his aid has to pretty much do everything for him making him have to rush the job only to set up about half the bomb because if you're setting out to kill the most powerful man in your country you send the half blind fucking cripple to do it yep

if somebody was plotting to kill an American president you send Helen Keller I would who would expect that it's fair I wouldn't expect Helen Keller to merc the commander in chief. Also, do not know how I would explain to her the plan. That would be really hard. She knows sign language.

You just have to like... I don't know sign language. Well, then you're fucked. Exactly. So I'd have to be like... Braille? Get a translator. No, with me, it'd probably be like, I know how to make dots.

I can spell out the with dots. What I'm getting here is Helen Keller's Weapon of Mass Destruction. Yeah, smarter than me. Oh, dude, Helen Keller is definitely smarter than me. Oh, very. Also completely off topic here. So how do you know Helen Keller? You probably know her from a movie you were forced to watch in school.

Very, yes. You know, there's a reason why that actually stopped when she grew, when she became like 10 or 11 years old, right? Like the movie just kind of ends. Yeah. Because she became a socialist organizer. Really? Yeah.

Hmm. Yeah. She went super left wing. Didn't know that. Yeah. And everybody's like, she's a communist. We'll never speak of Helen Keller keller again we must silence her because even because even a blind and deaf woman could see capitalism is fucking bad but whatever um so once inside the meeting um also still wearing an eyepatch during

the brief yeah well you know he he's he's boys with hitler now he doesn't get to dress up with his eye right and um and then by the way these bombs we're looking at here they're about the size of palm of your hand an ipad that's like plastic explosive yeah you know um maybe a note yeah it also operates much like a note in which it explodes when you don't need it to very Very. So, Stauffenberg places his bag, which is carrying the bag, under the table. No soup in it. No soup in the bag.

Nor sandwiches. Now, a lot of people say that this happened or that the conclusion of this happened because Stauffenberg placed the bag under a particularly heavy leg of the table. A load-bearing leg, which sounds

like every leg of a table to me. Yeah. It's not like that one leg is supporting the whole table. For me, it sounds like they thought they were going to be in a bunker. My left leg is my load-bearing leg. And two, if they just put a grip full of

nails in that bitch, everybody would be dead. Or create some kind of shrapnel. Do the bomb. Yeah. Pour soup on it. I mean, then they would just be sashed, but also exploded. Yes. Hot soup. You know, for me, possibly even sticky.

You know, when I was fighting the Taliban, the main thing I was worried about was like an IED just full of Campbell's. It's like, mother of God, it's minestrone. I'm sticky. Fuck. Oh, that's kind of gross. One of the parts of his plot was like he had to wait for a phone call.

That phone call would give him a reason to leave the room, at which point he would just haul ass. Right. In this scene, you totally see Mission Impossible. Right. Without the finesse, because he definitely leaves shit behind. Yeah, he leaves his hat behind, he leaves his pistol belt behind, and he walks out, which makes him kind of stick out.

It really does. Because he's the only dude not in the meeting with Hitler. And he's the only guy with one the meeting with Hitler. And he's the only guy with one hand there and an eye patch. Yeah, Stauffenberg doesn't exactly melt into a fucking crowd. Especially when he's not wearing a cover or his pistol belt that he walked in there with.

It's kind of obvious. As he's walking out to his car with his A-knit, the bomb goes off and they have to haul ass. Back in Berlin, the reserve army is mobilized once again, this time to activate the Operation Valkyrie. But this is not before a whole lot of waffling. Right.

Can we talk about the driver on their way to the plane? Oh, like the guy who did not know he was actually involved in a plot? Yeah. So he starts noticing, like, we're leaving already? All right, cool. And then like his aide throws the, because of how fucked up Stauffenberg's hand is, they only can activate half the bomb. So like they throw the other half out, which he totally sees.

Right. Dude, he throws it out on the same one road that he has to use to go back to the Wolf Slayer. Yeah. I feel like they could just go back and be like, that's a bomb. Yeah, the driver is just playing a game called, what am I an accessory to today? Oh, man. Man, he's a snitch, bitch. Yeah, he is.

I mean, I don't blame him. They didn't fucking succeed. Very true So um Soon the reserve army Is like mobilized again Because um Operation Valkyrie The plotters put out The movie

He's circled back around again The plotters put out information Adolf Hitler is dead and the SS Is attempting to take over the government Dun dun dun It's like the Law and Order that I might actually watch Really? Yeah

I haven't seen it I would totally watch a Law and Order procedural drama About like the Gestapo Like not because it would be like good and wholesome But because like I feel like it would end the same for every episode Yeah, they die Yeah Pretty much Execution Execution good and wholesome, but because like, I feel like it would end the same for every episode. Yeah.

They die. Yeah. Pretty much execution. Execution. Yeah. We're not really sure about this one, but we're going to kill him. Oh,

okay. He was innocent. Right. So the, the plotters of the, the plotters for the, the operation Valkyrie confront from saying Hitler's dead. Operation Valkyrie's in effect. At the same time,

General Fromm calls the Wolf Lair and finds out that Hitler's alive. But it doesn't matter because Stauffenberg just orders him arrested because he just keeps repeating I saw the bomb go off. Hitler's definitely dead, I saw the bomb go off. Which, admittedly, if you see the pictures

like the real life pictures of the room after the bomb went off, the bomb completely obliterated the room. It's absolutely insane that Hitler survived. The Reserve Army fans out to start taking over public buildings of Berlin and the garrisons all across greater Germany and to include the areas that the third reich controls and then soldiers are sent to secure the ss headquarters in berlin which surrenders a lot of fight because the ss are a bunch of political pussies who don't fight um and that was when so

there is a competing area which is like a teletype area. You have a whole bunch of operators passing messages around and orders and things like that. And they're kind of the middle ground. Their officer in charge says, it's not our job to interpret the messages. It's our job to pass the messages around. And so then they

receive an arrest warrant for Stauffenberg and an arrest warrant for Goebbels at the same time. From Stauffenberg. Stauffenberg passes an arrest warrant for Goebbels while at the same time the surviving government

because Hitler isn't dead, passed an arrest warrant for Stauffenberg. And they get them both at the same time, so they pass them both around. So the Reserve Army who is led by a major who's never really named, is sent to the Ministry of Propaganda where he meets Joseph Goebbels himself. Yeah. Who actually has a plan.

Because Goebbels is a conniving bitch like that. He's like prepping a cyanide capsule. Yeah, he puts a cyanide capsule. Yeah, he puts a cyanide capsule in his mouth. Which I was hoping he was going to fucking take a nice big old chunk on. The world would be a better place if Joseph Goebbels was never born. Very. And Hitler and every Nazi who's ever existed.

But to include current day neo-Nazis. Throw them all under the sun so Goebbels' plan is when that major starts walking up the steps he says, Major, are you a dedicated national socialist? He's like, well of course I am, sir and so he picks up the phone and Hitler's on the other end

and hands him the phone this scene made us laugh and it did make me laugh, but also this happened. This really did happen, which is mind-blowing to me. But, yeah. Mainly it was the part, this guy went to attention once he heard Hitler's voice. Yeah.

That's what made me fucking laugh. Yeah, I could get the fucking text messages from the commander-in-chief right now. I wouldn't go to attention. I'd get the fucking text messages from the commander-in-chief right now. I'd still be shitting. I would send him pig balls. The pooping pig balls picture. So Hitler orders

the major to take the traitors alive. And as the orders continue to pass the teletype area, the teletype area decides to take sides because a sergeant very rightfully points out like, our lives might depend on whose side we take here, so we need to take one.

And the officer in charge is like, okay, cancel all orders coming from Stauffenberg, pass along all orders coming from the Wolf Slayer. And it's from there that the plot pretty much dies. Definitely goes way south. Yeah. Because it seems like Stauffenberg, it seems like they're getting like really good foothold.

Right. And in the movie they are, the movie makes it seem like they're much closer to achieving a coup than in reality. But I mean, if they, now if that side really did think that the ss was in a in a coup and shut down the wolf slayer talking something completely different here but then it's not

right um stoffberg's plotters begin to lose contact with the outside world as their communication network is slowly but surely shut down. That night radios openly broadcast to everybody that Hitler is alive. Pretty much shit canning Stauffenberg's plan. He tries to radio broadcast this fake Hitler is dead. Operation Valkyrie is still in effect but nobody

is listening anymore. His window is closed. Then Hitler goes on the air. Yeah, well that was the radio. It was like, if anybody's ever heard, blah, blah, I'm alive, everything's fine. Yeah. I mean, there's a reason why the radio is so effective in Germany. Hitler knew that the radio was an effective propaganda tool.

The Third Reich gave out radios to people so they could contact them directly. It's the old day version of trump's twitter account right now like it was really really good way to quickly pass information or whatever you want to say immediately right um because everybody has everybody has a cell phone you know um so the same reserve army that stopberg had been ordered for the coup so far turns against him and it's been deployed and is now surrounding the building which he is planning the coup which knows the bendler block and all the assistants that were there everybody knows they're gonna die now yeah well all those people just started leaving during this scene. Good choice, honestly.

Oh, yeah, very. But this one girl stays. The same secretary that hung out under the bridge. Under the bridge. Stays. Yep. But then he obviously tells her, you can go. Yeah.

Which, you wouldn't have to tell me. I already would have been running. Yeah. If I was stopping to break out, I would have ran hours ago. He would suck at it. Yeah, he would just be running to corners everywhere. Death perceptions fucking them all up. So after that, reserve soldiers storm the Bendler block.

And it leads to a quick but completely pointless gunfight in the middle of the hallway. Yeah, I didn't understand that part. Stauffenberg manages to get shot in the arm, and then everybody's arrested. His stump arm. Yeah, yeah. And also, he shoots back, but he doesn't hit anything because he has terrible depth perception. Saw that coming. Yeah.

Fromm is freed from the closet where he's being held this whole time. Fromm is freed from the closet where he's being held this whole time. Along with this very fat German general. Well, I imagine most reserve component officers who are sitting back in Berlin while all this war is kicking off all around them, they probably look like Fromm. No, there's another one, remember? He was going around yeah that guy hitler's alive hitler's alive yeah yeah i need a strudel somebody get me a goddamn pizza yeah

uh once from is freed uh he immediately orders all the plotters arrested and then to be shot in a really bad attempt to hide his knowledge of their plot which he had known about for probably about a year oh yeah um and they're brought out to an execution area which is now known as the german resistance memorial which we'll talk about a little bit more uh later um and by one, they're gunned down until they get to Stauffenberg, and then his aide jumps out in front of them to get shot. I wouldn't even say jump.

He casually walks in front. Like, don't worry, sir. I'll take the first few rounds. And they make eye contact. Yeah. One eye contact. And then Stauffenberg gets shot, whose final words are

long live sacred germany and then he's like blasted away um now then it goes to like bits and pieces where it shows the uh german people's court which you talked about in our white rose episode where roland fryser is screaming at people and then orders them killed as well because it's a kangaroo court. So this comes down to Stauffenberg. They turn Klaus von Stauffenberg into a hero, effectively. They did. And at the end, the movie is dedicated to the resistance to Nazi Germany by German resistors, which is a tad insulting. So as most people probably know, and maybe some people don't,

Stauffenberg was not a good guy. No. I am not taking away from anything he did during the July 20 plot, because all this really did happen. He was killed trying to kill Hitler and trying to take over Nazi Germany. And he was not a Nazi party member. He was never an official member of the Nazi party,

but that does not mean he was not a problematic dude. Um, for instance, his, his brother, which the movie completely ignores. For sure. His name was Bertolt Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg. So he was a member of the German Kriegsmarine, and the vast majority of the meetings that the plotters had happened at his apartment. Which is way better than a hallway.

So, yeah. While they did kind of, but not really, acknowledge Berthold, at the end, you see someone being strung up on a meat hook. Yeah. By a wire to be slowly strangled. That is how Berthold died. In the movie, I think that was that one general that was in charge of comms for the Wolf Lair. Yeah. Which...

Now, unlike Klaus, Berthold was captured alive by the Gestapo. Now, Berthold pretty much admitted that him and his brother were totally down with being Nazis, but not quite. So one of the things that Berthold was questioned about was the final solution to the Jewish question, now known as the Holocaust. So Berthold Stauffenberg said, quote, my brother and I basically approved of the racial principles

of national socialism, but considered to be exaggerated and excessive. He went on to state, the racial idea has grossly betrayed in this war and that the best German blood

is being wasted. While simultaneously, Germany is populated by millions of foreign workers who certainly cannot be described as high racial quality. So to go further, there's that asshole.

Yeah. Stauffenberg was a racist and an anti-Semite who believed in the German concept of the Ubermensch. Um, he believed in the master race. He believed in all of that, where he drew the line was killing people um he said that um the well like the night of the long knives the night of

the broken glass that was the eye opener for him like oh man nazis are kind of bad just an eye opener though just just well at that point at that point had both eyes. During the movie just one eye. I want to point that out. This is where I take I am upset at the end of how this movie ends. It's like this movie is dedicated to German resistance but the people that it shows in the movie being

German resistance are all fucking Nazis. They're all assholes. They're all career Wehrmacht officers under the Third Reich. Now, Stauffenberg was not a Nazi member, but he was a fucking Nazi. I don't give a shit when anybody says he believed in Nazi ideology.

Meanwhile, the true members of the German resistance, like the White Rose and the Eitelweiss pirates, who were not Nazis and did not kill anybody, are completely ignored. That's where the movie lost me, to be honest. Where they set him out to be heroes. Now, it's problematic.

Stauffenberg is a contentious character, but he's also the closest thing you could see to being German military resistance. Because to become a colonel while in the Wehrmacht under Hitler, you're going to have to be kind of a Nazi. And I'm not discounting anything that Stauffenberg did. He died for what he believed in. That's admirable, at least a little bit. But he was still a fucking Nazi. And the movie dances around that quite a bit because he never once has he taught nobody brings that shit up a single

fucking time the only time uh stoffberg talks about anything is like oh the oppression of the jews is bad and the german war crimes are eye-opening and awful, but like it never broaches the subject that he was totally for them. Like he even defended the colonization of Poland, which by proxy supports the liquidation of the Polish people. So fuck you, Stauffenberg, you bitch. Like in my perfect world,

he would have succeeded in killing Hitler and then been fucking executed anyway. So fuck you. Pretty sure he still would have gotten. I would like to think so. I don't know. So Saffenberg never actually committed any war crimes. I feel like I need to point that out.

He never took part in any pogroms. He never, as far as anybody... Except that hideous eye patch. I mean, he didn't have a fucking eye. That's his fault all right no i'm right now i mean he can at least write for congress now i'm biased i have my patch a racist wearing an eye patch is good enough for the u.s congress now so he gives a shit my eye patch is brown and leather oh whatever fuck your eye patch well it was also wear it this whole time because you couldn't read shit. Yeah, it was hard to read.

I could have done it, but it would have been hard. You know what? You suck at methodic acting, sir. With that, that's our episode. Thank you so much for supporting our show. Thank you for voting for this. Oh, the next one's gonna be amazing.

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