Lions Led By Donkeys Podcast - *UNLOCKED* Windtalkers

Episode Date: May 15, 2020

Nic Cage and John Woo flamethrower karate fight their way across the pacific theater of WWII. support the show: https://www.patreon.com/lionsledbydonkeys

Oh no! Not the bee! Not the bee! Not the bee! AHHHHH! AHHHHH! AHHHHH! What is that? AHHHHH! AHHHHH! What is that?

What is that? What is that? What is that? Hello and welcome to yet another bonus episode of the Lions Led by Donkeys podcast. Lions Led by Nick Cage podcast. Yes. Because today we're talking about Windtalkers. Rage in a cage. Fucking terrible movie. Windtalkers. A John Woo classic.

And this is Nick's fault I should point out. I mean. If you're like one of the people that are like oh they put out a bonus episode so now I have to go watch that movie so I remember what they're talking about. This is his fault. Technically you agreed to it. Of course I did. It was a better idea than I had.

I don't even remember anymore. I'm not sure why I agreed to this. This movie sucks. And also this continues a wonderful chain of things that keeps happening every time we do a bonus episode of movies that I've seen before. I used to like this movie and I saw it in theaters.

Really? Yeah, I was like a freshman in high school, I think. Wow, that's crazy. I used to watch it on TNT. Yeah, they played it a lot. I'm pretty sure they had like a Nicolas Cage day on TNT. Every day is Nicolas Cage day. Yeah, where they played like The Rock.

I do have to say, I have every Nicolas Cage Day. Yeah, where they played The Rock. I do have to say, of every Nicolas Cage movie that I have watched since he's gone off the deep end, this is his most restrained he could possibly be. And he still randomly yells at people for no reason whatsoever. I still like The Rock. Well, The Rock is a dumb fun movie

I think that's something that a lot of people seem to have forgotten that a movie doesn't have to be good for it to be enjoyable you know what I mean? It doesn't have to be a piece of cinema art I don't think I like any movies that could be considered like art

I like Chappie you rub that in my face all the time it's a dumb movie it's a dumb movie but it's fun it's not even fun uh and you know i didn't learn a whole lot about windtalkers going into this uh i know that um so i obviously we're gonna be talking about the nicholas kidge classic windtalkers that despite being named and based on stories, the native American code talkers, namely the Navajo and a few other languages,

uh, this, it stars a white guy. Uh, it does, uh, also, and I cannot point,

I can't say if this is true, but Nicholas Cage, uh, when he signed on for the role, um, and this is just a rumor, went out and attempted to learn Navajo and then was really disappointed when he found out he was playing the white guy.

Hold on, really? I don't know. I actually would believe that, too. I totally fucking believe it. He tried to immerse his own self into the character, and he's like, hold on, I'm not playing. Because he's the dumbest character actor on Earth. He's dumber than Jared Leto, and he's like hold on. Because he's like the dumbest character actor on earth. Like he's dumber than Jared Leto and that's saying something.

I think it also helps that like Nicolas Cage is legitimately nuts. Oh yeah dude. So he would probably believe he's playing a Navajo code talker. I think they just told him like yeah we're going to go ahead and shoot this scene. Turn off the camera. Let him do his thing. Like there's a whole other

B-roll somewhere of like Nicolas Cage running around around speaking really bad navajo or what he thinks is navajo what's he speaking we have no idea yeah uh and you know it sucks this all sucks because the code talkers um is a really fucking great story like it's a great story and it would make a awesome movie or miniseries or something. But instead, they slapped it with Nicolas Cage and John fucking Woo. And I'm pretty sure this is the only movie that actually talks about it.

So there's nothing. And this is what it is. This is what we get. Yeah, we get Nicolas Cage running around doing somersaults and Tommy Gunn moves for fucking two and a half hours. His kill count. Instead, we get a fucking shit movie starring Captain White Savior, a man who should be noted actually went broke from buying stolen dinosaur bones from Mongolia and had to give them back.

That's something that happened to Nicolas Cage. Oh, my God. I think it was a giant skull. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It ended up being like illegally smuggled. And the Mongolian government, I think it was Mongolia,. Really? Yeah. Yeah. And ended up being like illegally smuggled. And the Mongolian government, I think it was Mongolia, had to ask for it back.

That's awesome. And he lost like $150,000 or something insane like that. I wonder if he's trying to, he was probably immersing himself again with the National Treasure character. No, his next movie, he's playing Barney. And he has to dress up like a dinosaur. But, okay, that's ridiculous. But think of a Barney movie starring Nicolas Cage.

But like full-on Wicker Man level insane. And he's running around in a Barney costume. Not the bees! Not the bees! But instead of a Barney head, it's an actual fucking T-Rex skull. I would watch that movie. That movie makes me happy uh and i know i've already shit on john woo like six times and john woo has made some admittedly badass hong kong

kung fu movies and like hard-boiled detective one was called hard-boiled he made fucking face off which is a really bad movie but it's also enjoyable yeah It's also enjoyable. It's great. I loved Face Off. Nicolas Cage and John Travolta switch faces sign me up. Like, the movie's dumb as shit, but it's awesome. You have a whole prison

off magnet boots. Yes. I forgot about that. Good times. Yeah, but... That movie also had a lot of combat roles

in jumping in the air. But who let him direct a gritty World War II movie? I don't know, dude. It was so bad. Fucking stupid. If this movie had a subtitle, I'd be like, this is dumb as hell.

So you know how you hear a lot of movies, like the behind the scenes where they force actors to do some small amount of boot camp shit. This movie is what happens when instead of doing that actors play like Counter Strike or something for like six hours and they're like I got it. I got it figured out.

So they start jumping up and down and teabagging people while firing blanks from Tommy guns. Combat roll. Yeah. There was more combat rolls in the two and a half hours of this movie. And there was the entirety of world war two hot take. I don't give a shit. There's so many combat roles.

Yeah. I honestly wish this movie had, you know, a little bit of more Navajo in it. Or maybe a, a, a Navajo character that was more than just a sidekick that had 50% as many lines as Nicholas Cage and wasn't

treated as a fucking idiot for like the first half, an idiot and a coward for the first half of the movie. Actually the first three quarters of the movie, like, uh, Yazzie doesn't become like anything cool until the very, very end. At which case they turn him into a psychopath.

Yeah. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. He switched just like, bam, 180. Yeah. Yeah. Admittedly the other guy uh white horse yeah is a ninja he was a fucking bad bad ass i fucking loved it dude with his sweet like buck antler like knife yeah it was like a kukri yeah which is weird

because i don't think native americans had those but i'm okay with it other than that i don't know where the fuck he learned all that cool shit he knows native american judo or something yeah i don't know uh anyway let's get to the stupid fucking movie sadly so the movie opens with the sometimes heroic always insane nicholas cage as one joe enders balls deep fighting in what was the solomon islands uh with the united states marines the sometimes heroic, always insane Nicolas Cage as one Joe Enders. Balls deep fighting in what was the Solomon Islands with the United States Marines. Marines are surrounded and they decide the best way to fight their hidden enemies

is doing sick front flips while bayoneting people and randomly running around in every direction with no sense of tactics whatsoever. There really wasn't. Yeah, there's just people just fucking running around. In the whole movie. There's nothing like, all right, here's what we're gonna do this this actually no there was it was later on no at one point at the like near the fucking end you actually see marines like take cover that's very true this whole time they're struggling to fucking i don't know what they're

trying to do honestly like even the Japanese people in this movie have trenches, but they stand up over them like a bad clipping video game character that won't fit behind cover. God. At one point, a Japanese soldier, and this is true, watches a Marine somersault in front of him with a weapon pointed at him, does not shoot him, only for the Marine to jump up and shoot him with a strange bolt action operated M1 Garand.

Dude. Did you catch that? Yeah. They definitely have M1 Garands, but at various scenes, you see people working bolts on them. Not enough blank firing adapters. It's like...

I mean, that's... It's a big budget movie for its time. It's not like Saving Private Ryan big budget, but it's like big budget-ish. They couldn't get enough prop rifles. I mean, it has points where it looks big budget and then also has points where it just doesn't. Yeah, and there's definitely the point

that they could not afford a beach landing scene. Definitely. So literally five minutes into this movie, I can tell this is already the worst thing that we've watched yet i enjoyed the random japanese guy bayoneting the dude out of the tall like elephant grass yes and then just get fucking lit up and every single time a japanese guy dies in that movie they gotta scream it's the same scream yeah it's like the same canned scream yeah they like just all right clip it and put it on all of them dead

i wish somebody could make like a super cut of all the screaming japanese people in this film at no point does a japanese soldier come up to attack without it being in a scream even orders like if you remember uh like later on when they're like uh ordering artillery strikes they have to be fired via screaming commands, which is like... Everybody's screaming. Everybody's screaming all the time. If they're not running around cluelessly,

if they're not doing somersaults, combat rolls... Also, they clearly had the Marines ambushed in elephant grass or whatever, and they're not even shooting at them. They're only rushing out one by one to attempt to bayonet people not even shooting at them. They're only rushing out one by one to attempt to bayonet people. I don't understand.

They'll come out of the little clearing that they have in the elephant grass, look at them, yell, shoot a little bit, get killed. If they shoot, most of the time there's bayoneting. The only time it shows a Japanese person shooting 90% of the time

is to directly impact showing a Marine getting shot for really bad emotional effect because I hardly remember anybody's name this whole fucking movie because I didn't give a shit. percent of the time it's to directly impact uh uh showing a marine getting shot for like really bad emotional effect because i hardly remember anybody's name this whole fucking movie because it didn't give a shit very true yeah uh i remembered white horse white i remember white horse yazzy like joe anders and like chick because like chick yeah the fucking nurse no no like the the not the not nurse. The fucking guy named Chick. I forgot about him.

See? I remember the nurse more than him. What was the nurse's name, Nick? Chick? I don't fucking know. I don't know. Even though they make her a strange romantic character without ever making it romantic.

The only reason she's romantic is because she's a woman who seems to care that Joe Enders doesn't kill himself. Because it seems to be on the track that he's in. Like the last bonus episode where we did Rambo and how she was... It was that weird romantic, non-touchy...

Yes. This is exactly what it was. Yeah, yeah. World War II with Nicolasolas cage i don't think that she would sign up for a sex scene with nicholas cage oh your ear oh god your ear looks like fucking chewed bubble gum man uh so at one point a japanese soldier with a samurai sword jumps out of nowhere pass what is about a platoon of Marines, and chops off a guy's hand, but the severed hand looks so bad

it could pass for that rubber dildo fist from Borat. Oh, so bad. The fucking effects are so bad in this movie. Okay, during this whole time, nobody really gives an order whatsoever. No. Nobody's even talking. They're just screaming. screaming like what is their objective

are they trying to hold a hill they don't explain that for about 10 minutes uh and that's when they get to that log and uh and shitty and they realize that like they were their orders were to hold their position which they by the way have not been fucking doing because they've been sprinting through elephant grass bayonetting people for the last 10 minutes they had to hold the strategic log no they had to hold this large strategic swamp with like 10 guys it doesn't matter where you're at in the swamp just run around in little circles that's fine but you gotta stay in the swamp fuck you swamp people um and like everybody's like we have we to retreat. Like we have to hold the position. Then at one, one by one, all the, all the Marines die increasingly stupid ways.

Like at one point, some dude just like stands up and starts screaming like point break and get shot. Oh yeah. Dude, what are you trying to do? Uh, and then of course, uh, in the most stereotypical, like shitty war movie way possible. Actually, this is more like a buddy cop way. His friend, which actually makes sense when you realize that John Woo has directed a lot of Hong Kong cop movies. Or John Woo has.

And his friend gets shot in the back like 10 fucking times. Oh, dude. And then makes eye contact with him and goes, damn you, Joe Enders. And then promptly fucking dies. Like, really? You gotta get that out. You gotta get it out. Like, the only thing that's gonna happen after you get lit up with, like, a fucking machine

gun in your back is you're gonna shit yourself and you're gonna ruin your buddy's uniform after you fall on him. Oh, man. You're gonna get, like, a melon hole-sized fucking mass blown out of your gut and then your buddy's gonna be cleaning him out of your fucking boots For like a week you didn't talk about the dude that Took that grenade oh yeah It does not get blown apart whatsoever

No he just like does sweet summer He just gets heated through the air by a grenade Blast and lands and then has a one liner And dies everybody gets a one liner before They fucking die in this movie everybody gets one Yeah unless you're a white horse you get a stern But solid nod. Yes.

Very stern. Yeah. Respectful nod. I mean, like, the damn you Joe Enders thing is like, it's buddy cop movie mixed with soap opera. Yeah. It's not even... I didn't feel sorry for anybody, to be honest.

No, they're all really dumb. That's who you get for following Nicolas Cage into combat. Yeah, you should immediately know not to. I don't like that guy's crazy eyes. I'm not going to follow him. I'm going to go join the Japanese. Funny you say crazy eyes. That's my Indian name in the movie.

Yeah, he just gave himself an Indian name. We don't know why, whatever. He thinks he's speaking Navajo. We can't get him to stop. This is very offensive. Anyway, Joe gets his ear mangled with a grenade blast for some reason. That's it. Yeah.

So later on, I know we keep skipping ahead, but we are both under the assumption that you've already seen this movie because you're listening to us talk about it. So I'm not really worried about spoiler alerts. Almost the same effect of a grenade blast kills Whitehorse. And like eight people all at once. It kills everybody around Joe who's still alive, which I think is two people at that point. And only somehow wounds his left ear. Yeah.

Which for some reason makes him wheelchair bound. There's so many things about that whole hospital. Now, I get that his equilibrium's fucked up. And that's why it kind of makes it hard to walk. Right. Sorry, I'm having a hard time not burping my hard seltzer into the microphone. Try chugging one and not burping. It's like shitting without pissing. It's doing the impossible. Try chugging one and not burping. It's like shitting without pissing.

It's doing the impossible. Exactly. Picture that for a bit. Yeah, like, I get that his equilibrium's fucked up, but he's sitting in a wheelchair looking like Stephen Hawking's, like, hardly able to move.

And, like, a week passes, and the only thing that happens is he gets, like, a shoulder rub from a nurse, and he's like, yep, I can yep i can walk fine now oh yeah can you also help me uh anyway yeah he's wheelchair bound at camp pendleton um i'm sorry at uh connelly bay military hospital uh meanwhile the camp pendleton the navajo code talkers are being sworn into the Marine Corps and learning the U.S. military code that is based on their language. It is not just like them speaking plain Navajo. That's not the code.

That's what they kind of make it look like. But they have certain Navajo words that stand for like tank and airplane. Also, an important thing that this movie for some reason leaves out is that the code is important because they have to memorize it. Yeah. It is not written down. It is in their brain. That's the whole point. Yeah.

And they do not say that. They don't go over anything that they should have gone over. John Woo was like, look, first, most of the budget went to Nicolas Cage. Most of the budget went to Nicolas Cage running around dressed as a Native American and fireballs, which he thinks that he can throw. He thinks he's Native American Goku. We keep giving him the Thompson, but he keeps insisting on having a bow and arrow. Oh, God. All of these things I can picture happening. Yes.

God. All of these things I can picture happening. Yes. So that is when Yazzie and Whitehorse are the two closest things we have to Native American main characters this entire film. Also, pretty much the only two that get screen time. Like there's the dude on the naval ship. Yeah. You have the other code talker that's in about 30 seconds of film on the ship at the very end. And you get this class in the naval ship. Yeah, you have the other Code Talker that's in about 30 seconds of film on the ship at the very end,

and you get this class in the very beginning. And then there's an hour and a half somewhere in the middle where they're it. Very true. Way to go, John Woo. That's like,

this is, we're going to make a movie about the Buffalo Soldiers starring Tom Cruise. Which they kind of fucking did with Glory. Oh, they so did. I mean, granted, they did make the African-American characters almost starring roles,

but the starring role was still a white guy. Glory was so good. But Tom Cruise also did this with the last fucking samurai. He really did. Which was a Paul Mooney joke on dave chapelle and i can't say it because he says the n-word but he's like i'm gonna make the last n-word on earth starring tom cruise well technically he was the last samurai if we want to go into the movie again just we just don't we just won't um at the same time they're learning that enters is in the

hospital uh for reasons that are not explained whatsoever um that his ear is still mysteriously covered in blood it's disgusting even though like later on his ears cleaned up and it just looks like fucking smashed hamburger yeah but uh like in this scene he's sitting there they're still like dried blood like so apparently they're gonna give you what i'm assuming is a bath uh they're going to stitch up your fucked up ear because that looks burnt and got flayed or whatever with that shit all the way down his neck but we're not going to clean the blood off i wonder if he insisted keep it this is actually my friend's blood. I like to remember. I mean, I'm really happy

to see that military healthcare has been virtually left unchanged in 100 years. They left out the part at the end where Ender survives and then the VA shoots down his claim. Your ear was from...

Clearly not the Solomon Islands. Yeah, this is not service-related at all. I mean, they could have done that with Yazzie. Like, actually, we're going to shoot down your claim for two reasons. One, you're not white, and two, you live on a reservation. Also, were you actually in the Marine Corps?

Yeah. I have the papers. How about you call them down Corps? Yeah. I have the papers. Eh. How about you call him down there? Yeah. Fuck. God damn it. Honestly, I like the fact that he's trying to get back to active service because they have him kind of backlogged, recovering.

And they're claiming that a blown eardrum would keep him from frontline duty. Okay. I blew one of blown eardrum would keep him from frontline duty. Okay. I blew one of my eardrums. And this is in 2012, 2011. I can't remember which. And they're like, yeah, whatever. That's like when they were actually kicking people out. If you have medical issues, like, yeah, blown eardrums, whatever.

You're fine. World War II, when they're drafting half-literate farm boys, they're like, we don't care if you're all the way deaf. And then he goes on to cheat a hearing test with the help of the nurse, which I can attest to doing so myself, but not with a nurse, with a private. Really?

Yeah, yeah. You know how they say, so if people who are listening are not in the military, have never taken a group hearing exam before, they set you in a soundproof room with six other people, sometimes more. If you have really bad hearing like myself, if anybody's ever been to one of my book signings,

they know this because I kind of yell at you because I don't realize how loud my voice is. It's really hard to produce our podcast because Nate's like, you're too fucking loud. Shut up. Because I have really bad hearing. And the way I passed all the time, which ended up fucking me over in my disability rating, by the way, is you look at the ranks and you don't copy off someone who's like E4 and above.

Because they've been in long enough to fuck up their hearing. You got to look to the guy who looks like he's 12 and he's like an E1 or 2. They've only been around guns for like a month. So if you watch their hands, you know when to press the button. Really? Yeah. That's how I passed all of them. I usually just press the button. Just over and over and over again. Yeah. Until the dude comes in there and says, hey, stop doing that. The voice comes up. It's like, only hit the button when you hear the beep. Yeah. I just watched the hands. Like there is a private next to me. I think it was a corporal at the time.

I was like, hey, turn and face me. It is what why like I need to copy off you like corporal. I said, shut the fuck up and let me copy off you fucking narc bitch. Don't ruin this for me. Also, after faking that hearing test, Enders doesn't have a hearing problem for the rest of the movie. No, first off, he has a shitty smug look when he fucking raises his hand like, like, fuck you, dude. You look like, fuck you.

I don't like your fucking face. Doctor, this is unprofessional. I'm sorry, nurse, but fuck that guy. I saw him in Wicker Man. His shit sucks. They should have, I don't think they would ever put him in an area with visibility for him to have a chance to cheat. Yeah.

When I make my soundproof boxes, I like to give him a really giant window. Whereas you just have her fucking cheating, like raising her hand. Yeah. There's parts of the movie where someone else is like, you have problems with that ear, don't you, Enders? He's having a normal conversation with them.

If you're deaf in one ear, that fucks your shit up. I'm not deaf in one ear like he supposedly is. I can't hear 30% of what's told to me whatsoever. I have a shitty right ear. Thank God it's not my Nicolas Cage left ear. I'm glad my ear doesn't look like it got melted. Sadly i'm good sadly i just share the same name so yeah yeah uh got

that going for me nick cage jenova oh god that's bad halloween costume yep there you go halloween costume i'll get the blowtorch we'll fix it here right up i don't want to do that can i do the wicker guy? So Joe is brought to an office with a major who's overlooking his file. The major tells him about the Navajo code because Joe's new mission is to be a code talker's bodyguard.

I feel like you have to have really good hearing for that. Or like, not be nuts. Be able to walk straight. I don't know. And because this is a Nicolasolas cage john woo flick uh they have to dial up the insanity by telling them uh that he has to stop his code talker or the code uh he has to protect the code at all costs no matter what which means kill your code talker if he falls in enemy hands which i shouldn't have to say this

absolutely did not happen that's not a thing that happened. They didn't do that. Definitely not. I think there was a report of one, I think, being captured. Well, like, so in real life, the Code Talkers did have handlers and bodyguards. That's not because they had to be fucking murdered

if the Japanese got their hands on them. There's a good chance they were probably going to be tortured and executed. Anyway, the Japanese weren't great. They were captives. But it was because of racism. They were afraid that Marines would mistake them for Japanese soldiers and shoot them. So if they were walking alongside another Marine, they'd be okay.

And that's actually a legit worry that they had. Granted, this is also a time where I would gather that the vast majority of Americans hadn't actually been in close contact with Native Americans before. Completely ignorant of everything about them. Yeah. Kind of like when I was in basic training, I knew a guy. I can say now. Yeah, definitely now. I knew a guy in basic training who never saw a black person before.

I just, yeah. Like, where do you live? But yeah, I mean, and that was in 20 2005 so like um the idea that like everybody in the 40s were like yeah yeah i know i know all about native americans especially because when you think about there's a very good chance that their grandfather oh man took part in the indian wars so it's like not a whole lot of uh cultural exchange going on there no and one of the characters chick his granddad did scalp and sell native american scalps uh he makes sure to point that out because he's like the racism yeah he had an emporium yeah scalp emporium uh yeah uh so afterwards uh joe gets promoted to

sergeant because he's the oldest fucking corporal in the entire Marine Corps I had to look he was about 38 when this movie was shot he looks old as dick still he looks to be at least 40 but it's because Nicolas Cage is nuts and crazy makes you age prematurely

but yeah he was about 38 I think as a corporal Joe then meets Ben Yazzie and promptly shows himself to be an asshole. Well, Yazzie shows himself to have bricks for hands by dropping his food and drinks all over the place. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, first time ever using hands, bro. To the shock of absolutely nobody, the Marines quickly pull the racism card by acting shocked that somebody would invite Navajo to play poker with them

and call them shit like Injun and Chief, which is probably the most accurate part of this movie. The racism? The military's racism. Yeah, shit. And I have to say that it took me a long time to figure that out because I'm a white guy. When you're white, it's kind of hard to notice racism because it makes you have to be empathetic towards other people and their plight and how they're treated.

And growing up in the military, because I enlisted when I was 17, doesn't exactly make you the most empathetic person on earth to anybody, even yourself. So it took me a while to realize like god damn everyone around here's racist as fuck oh yeah dude everywhere it's insane i can imagine you figured that out uh within an hour basic training yeah oh man can you imagine what it'd be like to join now as like a young mexican american man from cal. Now? With all the people that would... If you were 18 years old in 2019 and enlisting now. I don't know how I'd feel about that. It can't be good.

Yeah, I honestly don't know. The people are definitely more comfortable saying the quiet part out loud all the time. Yeah. So anyway, the next scene they get their orders to take part in the invasion of Saipan. Uh, and I had to point out this cause it was kind of off putting the actor, uh, delivering them a guy named Peter Stormare, which is a Hollywood name.

He's a, he's a Swedish guy, uh, with a very, very Swedish name, which I did not put in my notes. Okay. Uh, but he's doing such a bad job masking his accent to sound slightly American. Fucking Jesus Christ. He just kind of sounds like he has a brain injury. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll make it work.

We'll make it fit in. And I've seen him in other movies. He doesn't really have an accent, but this movie is damn near 20 years old now. So, yeah, maybe he lost it. Or, I mean, they never really named the guy that he's supposed to be playing. Maybe they wanted him to have the brain injury.

Maybe. He is a Marine. Yeah. But, like, I had to look it up. The character he's playing has a kind of Swedish name, which they never have it be a serious storyline part because this guy really doesn't exist. Oh, he never has an arc? No, not at all. Is that an arc?

No, not at all. So it's weird to say that someone watching this movie in 2003, before you're just going to pull out your phone and Google, why does this guy sound like this? And why they just made him a Swedish character as well. They said, aw. They should have just made him go full Swedish chef. Like, herg, you girl, derg, herg.

And everybody's like, I got it, sir. It's fine. That must have been code talk. He also speaks code. The Swedish code talker. They're just making meatballs and selling people Ikea furniture. It's fine, though. It defeats the Japanese by confusing them by putting together their Herc and Fjörgen Garschen or whatever the fuck the dresser is called.

What? We don't understand how to fuck this. We're just going to kill ourselves. These directions are fucking horseshit. That's actually what drove them to kamikaze strike people. They had two choices. Put together something from Ikea or kill themselves. How did the Allen wrench come in?

Not in the right size. I'm missing bolts and... Fuck this. I'm getting in the plane. You ever end up with more bolts? All the time. At the end? All the time, yeah.

So, in my honest opinion, that just means you made it better. I'm more efficient. Yeah, you used less. Sure, it rocks back and forth and can't withstand putting my fucking beer can on, but I didn't need those parts, motherfucker. Yeah.

So, after this briefing, Joe runs outside and just pukes. I don't know what that was from. Was it from the ear? I don't know. I'm assuming he still has a pretty wicked concussion. Yeah, I honestly assume they're still trying to make his ear thing a thing.

And then another second of accidental accuracy in this movie. Accidental. They have him vomit, shut himself off from all of his peers, and start popping pills. They had to stop him from eating his vomit as well because he had identified himself at the time as a Marine. Yeah, he was playing real hard as a Marine,

and he was going to eat his own vomit and then eat crayons. Exactly. And then immediately after this part where he he's still suffering the after effects of a brain injury and eating pills he goes to a barn so it's getting drunk alone this is the most accurate part of the whole movie yeah i honestly wish that he would have talked with some severe brain damage i mean it's nicholas cage he always kind of acts like he has a brain injury. The only part after this that would have made getting drunk by yourself and doing drugs more accurate to military life is

like he married the bartender after meeting her for 10 seconds. Or if he married the nurse before he deployed. That would have been fucking amazing. I'll wait for you. Then it cuts back and she's driving away and is like mustang or his twin or his fucking model t or whatever with 24 percent interest ford v8 oh wait for me and then gives him like a spam can like the ring from it thanks

here hold on to these weird dog tags that are also chokers. I don't know anything about military uniforms. I'm sure this movie drove you nuts. I didn't care. I'm not into that shit anymore. You didn't care enough to be angry? Back then, honestly, I probably would have. You just had a fucking stroke. Yeah. All me and my fucking reenacting friends.

But now I just don't give a shit. Their dog tags were like literal chokers. Surprisingly, yeah. Yeah. Is that accurate? Yeah. Oh, that sucks. I could not.

They also had those shitty, those weird dog tags. The Marines had the weirdest dog tags back in World War II. Because I didn't wear my dog tags when I was in because they were uncomfortable. I just kept them in my pocket. I definitely wouldn't have wore a fucking choker. Silent. Yeah. Fuck. I mean wouldn't have wore a fucking choker. Silent.

Fuck. Sure, it's silent, but also it doesn't matter when you're running through the hills screaming with 5,000 other marines. Oh, the human waves. Can we please talk about the human waves? Oh, yes, because that's about what we're going to get to with the invasion of Saipan, and for reasons that can

only assume are budgetary related, totally skips the actual landing at Saipan. for reasons that can only assume are budgetary related totally skips the actual landing at Saipan yeah because one the budget they spent it on Nicolas Cage and his fucked up ear the special effects budget is really tapped out by the melted ear fuck we couldn't get we'll give them an invasion

of this trench it's a it's a John Wu film so a lot of it was spent on fire balls which by the way is the only award that they won was best fire stunt. That's not surprising at all. Because they're all fire stunts. Every scene. In the hospital when he's sitting there in the

chair in the background. Someone runs by the fire. So I'm going to put that guy out. So they invade this island, mysteriously teleporting past the uh the invasion part finds our faithful marines conducting a human wave attack against open grounds against entrenched japanese forces who are by the way standing on top of their entrenchment and screaming and firing guns enter some really bad cgi planes that only 2003 technology could bring us and they kind of look

like they're copy and pasted from Battlefield 1942. Nice. Good game. Yeah. That swallowed a lot of my childhood up. Yeah. And then so the Japanese are firing machine guns and cannons and artillery at them and

every time a Japanese field gun hits their target it looks like they're shooting a goddamn flame cannon. Because everything they hit burst into brilliant fire. I assume this is the bizarro 2008 Rambo film where instead of investing

all their budget into fake blood, they invested it into pyrotechnics. We invested it in fire. Which, I mean, I always encourage people to invest their money in fire yeah which i mean i always encourage people to invest their money in fire uh you can fix all your problems with fire you're having a problem with your your mortgage burn your house down you're having a problem when you're in your home life burn yourself down of course no movie about the pacific theater would be complete without a bonsai charge.

Now, we haven't really talked about bonsai charges. We probably will eventually. So bonsai charges were generally less desperate suicide charges. Sometimes they had specific targets in place, like airfields, stuff like that. But it was largely accepted the people in the charge were going to die and they were going to open up the,

that front for other forces to move in. What you, what you don't do is just throw out a random bonsai charge in the middle of a giant open battle, which is what they did. The Marines are running at them while they are in their trenches. And giant open battle, which is what they did. The Marines are running at them while they are in their trenches. And the Japanese are like,

well, they're running at us. It's only fair if we meet them in the middle and also run right at them. This is like... I imagine they're probably... Well, this isn't hardly fair. Yeah, it's not fair if we're behind the trenches. If only World War I is figured out that way.

Guys, guys, guys, stop. Doesn't this seem a little skewed? We gotta balance balance the teams a bit have we tried running at them too you know what let's go let's do it hey friends uh yeah this is what happens like when i'm drunk it's 3 a.m and i'm playing shogun total war and i just make everybody charge at each other oh dude i always do that i love giant line battles in the like total war but like the the god of the japanese side of this battle just toggled off the fire at will and just made him charge he's like i really want to see this shit yeah now instead of sitting back and gunning down the charging japanese or vice versa the marines and the japanese do their own charges at one another, screaming all the while.

Joe goes full cage, begins screaming, having flashbacks, while machine gunning everything in sight. And somebody fires a bazooka, and when it hits, it looks like a 500-fucking-pound bomb went off. It literally detonates like an entire ridgeline, which is fucking impressive for, what, a 30-pound warhead? It's actually

really, really light. Super light. Yeah, and I believe it is a shape charge, too, because it's supposed to be an anti-tank weapon, which don't make large explosions, because that's not the point. Pretty much. It's just a giant tube with a battery in it, and it sends off an electrical charge to the... Yeah, I made one of those when I was a kid, and it was

called a potato launcher. Yeah, we were smarter. Not really because my brother made it and it just kind of turned into a pipe bomb. It happens. Trials in air. They also had their pipe bombs. Now, the only thing that the two native soldiers during this entire exchange is

jump around, look shocked, and make scared facial expressions and hide. I honestly was waiting the whole time while Nicolas Cage was yelling for him to yell about the Declaration of Independence. I was waiting for it. As he's machine gunning people, not the bees!

Wrong movie again! Fuck! We can't cut it. Just cut his mic. You say you see him wordlessly mouthing things. Yeah. He's speaking Navajo again only after this they finally use the

code talkers to do their job and call in strikes on the Japanese guns that have been shelling them non-stop for most of the length of the movie at this point so you get premium Navajo time now yeah yeah this is it this is this is their shining moment in the movie that is named after them yeah but none of that matters because the Marines just launch another human wave attack after the Navy bombards dog shit out of the hill.

I think they use like 80s Navy footage or like 90s. Yeah, it was stock footage. It definitely wasn't World War II warships. Yeah, it was definitely stock footage, which is really weird to cut in there. They'd be like, oh, look, a tank! And instead of like... Like an Abrams pulls up in Iraq.

Thank God the armor showed up. It's like a fucking Evangelion runs by. Oh, man. I would watch that fucking movie 10 times out of 10. Just stock footage of fucking... NTC footage. After a brief scene where a Yazzie and a Japanese soldier

get in a Mexican standoff, only to have it broken up by Joe slitting a Japanese guy's throat, which, by the way, there's no actual blood, really, when he slices his throat. There's a tiny sp spurt and then there's no cut in his neck again all the budget went towards nicholas cage his ear and the fire yeah uh ben yazi's care uh actor just just worked for exposure like a freelance writer i honestly i was told i would get a job after this i honestly thought that the land that they used for most of the scenes, John Woo came in like, hey, we got to do it quick.

We got to do it quick. I don't have a permit. We really got to do this quick. It's in some guy's backyard in Arizona or something. This movie looks like it could have been filmed in Florida. I didn't look where it was actually filmed, but I'm going to say it's like, I don't know, fucking Jeffrey Epstein's backyard or something.

So after slicing a guy's throat, Joe immediately turns to popping more pills before suicide charging a Japanese pillbox with a satchel charge. Oh my god. And action, I assume, is made a lot easier when you're riding a fucking oxy high like a motherfucker through battle. The best fireball.

Everything's a fireball. I'm surprised when he shot people as Thompson and catch on fire. Just shooting fireballs?ball. I'm surprised when he shot people as Thompson and catch on fire. Just shooting fireballs? Yeah. Hadoukens left and right. Fully automatic Hadouken machine gun. Finally, the first battle is over.

And it wouldn't be a war movie without a group of soldiers sitting around and worrying about Jody fucking his wife or setting their wedding rings home in case they die. Which is like, it's like a copy and paste war movie scene at this point. As somebody shows a picture of it, like,

check out my gal. Check it out. And then you know they're gonna fucking die. Oh yeah, as soon as you... Everyone who took part in the scene is gonna die. And I was right. Everybody did. We had to feel bad for them some way. Yeah, I didn't. At this point, I assume they're all human trash. I'm rooting for

the Japanese. And then a big stupid fuck named Chick who we've talked about corners with Yazi. Oh, this fucking piece of shit. And while Yazi's taking a bath, which I assume just means Chick is on the down low and wants to fuck him, and he starts

going full on racism, talks about how his grandpa used to scalp them, and and wants to fuck him. And he starts going full on racism, talks about how his grandpa used to scalp them, and then spits on him. Finally, the movie lets Yazzie do something cool and punches Chick in the face. I think we're about over an hour into the movie. Yeah, something like that. And only then it's fleeting because Chick immediately starts beating the dog shit

before people show up and pull him off. Fucking big dumb idiot. Yeah. After this, the bodyguards and the code talkers begin to bond despite strict orders not to. They're supposed to be strict, unfeeling killing machines. It's like when you raise a dog to fight. Don't name it. Oh, man.

Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah. This is the Michael Vick way to make friends okay so you're trying to be friends with yazi have you tried electrocuting him and drowning him in a kiddie pool you tried cutting his ear off maybe making it look like your ear or cropping his tail oh they don't have those hmm i guess i don't know then this is why i don't consult the michael vick guide to friendship anymore

But Then Joe pops a bunch of pills again Randomly verbally abuses Yazzie What kind of pills do you think he has? They had to be some kind of fucking opiate Definitely It's not like she had a prescription back then At the same time over in Germany they're eating meth like candy

I honestly imagine they gave him Just for his character This is for the sake of the movie. They gave him the pills that just don't work at all. No, this would make a whole lot more sense. I said this is the most repressed version of Nicolas Cage we've ever seen. They were actually downers. They weren't props.

They're like, fuck, just keep feeding him Oxy and maybe we'll get a good fucking roll out of him for once. During the scene. Yeah, he's just high as fuck, never taking a shit. That's how they got the Joe Enders experience. Nice. I don't think anybody wants that experience. The Joe Enders experience is what happens when you cry after sex.

Oh. I touched your ear. God. He rubs it while he's fucking. Yeah, rub my ear. I don't want to. Now, does it feel like ground beef? He rubs it while he's fucking. Rub my ear. I don't want to. Now. Does it feel like ground beef?

It's like needing raw hamburger. Yeah. So he eats a whole bunch of pills and then starts yelling at Yazzie for writing home to his family. Because there's like under no circumstance he's supposed to write home. Afterwards, he immediately does a 180 and starts talking about kids um and their family and shit which means he's just like a weird he's like the the a cartoonish version of bipolar syndrome which i assume is actually just nicholas cage in your life yeah along with joe enders yeah well i mean this the the bonding that we see between Ben Yazzie and Joe Enders is exactly like I assume every relationship is in real life with Nicolas Cage.

And it's a lot like the war movie that he's in. Moments of joy followed by screaming and sheer terror. Yeah, in references to his old movies. In references to just him. He's a weird fucking guy. He's one of the weirdest dudes in hollywood like and that's why like i started this episode off by uh so let me rephrase it he's one of the weirdest guys in hollywood that nobody's accused of raping someone yet yet um

because like i started this off uh by telling that rumor about him learning how because he thought he was gonna be the code talker and I fucking believe it just like if somebody said to prepare himself for national treasure he went and slept with like had fucking coitus with the

original copy of the Declaration of Independence oh yeah totally like yeah Nicolas Cage fucking do that you do that you'd do that i think he or for face off he actually wore john travolta's face very or or he probably killed a homeless person and wore their face around that probably happened you could stick your dick in their eye socket oh god anyway the mar Marines are driving along towards their objective in Jeeps and get ambushed by...

More fireballs. More fireballs and strangely well-aimed fireballs. It's not like an artillery barrage. Individual Jeeps are getting lit up, which means these are the cream of the crop Japanese gunners that they're fighting. And it goes back to their favorite pastime in this whole movie,

which is running around in circles getting shelled like idiots. They don't do anything. The whole movie is just, I'd say like a solid hour and a half of footage is Marines running around with fireballs erupting out of the dirt. Like they're getting ambushed by a wizard.

It honestly makes everybody who took part in this movie look really bad yeah yeah there's nothing enjoyable other than what i mean i know i said about an hour and a half or whatever but like i'll also i need to point out that a solid portion that is people doing slow-mo combat roles very true both sides both sides do this or slow-mo getting shot slow-mo getting bayoneted yeah like most of their other battles this uh this turns into the marines and the japanese while they're running at each other while only shooting uh if they're within about 10 feet you have to be within uh what the whites of their eyes in order to shoot is what i've heard. Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, modern battle rifles in 1942,

I think this was, 1943, I don't remember. Saipan, like 43, 44. Yeah. We're bad historians, but there are a lot like black powder smoothbore muskets

in which if you point at someone who's about 20 feet away, you might just wing them. So you got to wait until they're real, real close and then you might as well bayonet them while screaming. Into a sweet fucking combat role.

That's right. Next time I get shot at, which is hopefully never, I'm going to escape by screaming and somersaulting away. I hope that guy fucking mugs me after I do that. I deserve to die. I imagine you'd go full Nicolas Cage and maybe talk about your book

while you're doing it. If I go full Nicolas Cage, I assume that means I actually just consume them. I unhinge my jaw and I swallow them from the head down. Alright. Then in order to bamboozle the Japanese, they get this brilliant fucking idea

for Yazi to dress up like a Japanese soldier and pretend to capture Joe to sneak into Japanese lines. One, this is kind of really racist. It really is. And the fact that they found the exact Japanese guy that has the exact same size uniform and everything. Yeah. Like, how?

I don't even know where to start. I'm not sure how to parse the racism here. Let me play it out loud. Earlier on in the movie, Chick is racist. and a lot of the other marines are too because they believe well shit he looks like a japanese soldier too and i'm not going to say the racial slurs they say because you know i'm not going to do that um fast forward about an hour and yazi himself is like i do kind of look like one of them. And then he puts on the uniform, which again, mysteriously fits. Perfectly.

And then he is taught one word of Japanese, which is the word for prisoner. That's it. And I assume this sounds a lot like when I was in Iceland and somebody taught me how to say, like, thank you. Right. sounds a lot like when i was in iceland and somebody taught me how to say like thank you right yeah they they said it back but it's because it's like you know um your dog when it sits like yeah cool yeah you learned how to copy you look dumb but yeah um like i was saying it completely incorrectly with the wrong accent i did not if i passed you on the street and didn't say thank you for any reason you would not believe that I'm an Icelander. So then Joe and Yazzie.

Do you think honestly, Nicolas Cage's character, like just Nicolas Cage in general, when Yazzie put on the uniform, he actually thought he was the Japanese guy and tried shooting him with blanks. I wouldn't, I would believe at this point that Nicolas Cage believes this is actually

a documentary. Yeah. So he's like, Yazzie, where are you? He takes off the hat. I'm right here, Joe. actually a documentary yeah so he's like yazi where are you he takes off the hat him right here joe oh thank god yeah it's like there was a japanese guy superman's disguise works on nicholas cage um so and then yazi and joe walk right behind enemy lines very little effort yeah that's what which leads me to believe that why didn't the rest of the brain questionable right behind them but also another layer of racism here that the japanese

soldiers in the movie see what is very clearly a native american man who does not speak japanese walking towards them chanting one word like a fucking brain dead idiot and you're like checks out yeah oh it's our fellow japanese soldier yeah yeah who's definitely speaking our language without problems ah yes brain damage yeah oh that's abe he's been a little special since the artillery round went off next to his head but yeah i mean like this is something that is this is like like if the Taliban got their hands on an American uniform and walked into base like, Hello, fellow Americans. Do you have a pen?

Why does he keep asking for a pen? I don't know, but he's fine. Yeah, he has a beard, and that's not allowed, but he's probably one of us. God, he smells. Yeah, like... The soul seed is fucking ridiculous. It's like that scene from the last samurai going back last samurai with that one guy the only bit of english he knows is jolly good oh that's

fucking awesome that's the only thing he says no matter the situation jolly good as he's like getting fucking bow and arrow to death yeah yeah But of course it works. That was honestly my favorite scene was when they went behind enemy lines effortlessly. Yeah. They just appear. It doesn't even show how they just

flanked around like low crawl through anything. Yeah, they didn't show a plan of how they were going to do it. No, they just walk out of the woods

behind enemy lines. Like Joe, if you have the power to teleport people like maybe teleport your whole unit behind them and then just shoot them

can't do that anyway Joe springs his trap which it turns out is just shooting a bunch of people and screaming like a maniac and their whole plan is to grab the radio that they just assumes in their trench which they do and then Yazzie somehow tunes it to the

marine frequency and calls for artillery support on a Japanese radio and that's not how any of this works. I imagine it doesn't. That's not how any of this works at all. Fuck. I don't even the whole scene in general

just doesn't know where it's not. No. No, it's really dumb. It takes out the whole trench. I mean, whole scene is is prefaced by um yazi's radio getting shot off his back which i and i left that out but like also it doesn't fucking matter because even if i say that it doesn't make the scene any less dumb um anyway after the battle a colonel randomly shows up who nobody points out who this guy is or if he's their commander or what but he happens to have a random bronze star on him and which he gives to

Joe but not Yazzie which again probably pretty accurate it's the same reason why like it's the same reason why like like African American soldiers from like 100 years ago are still getting

medal of honors today because like the like racism has ebbed a bit oh yeah and it's okay to do that but like still not all that much so with this bronze star another total accurate scene this is how i get awards someone just walks up and gives it to you that's it no paperwork none i just get the ribbon yeah someone just walks up like here you go thanks uh-huh he's getting in his jeep was like wait sir how am i gonna put this on my erb wait wait i don't have paper fuck god damn it um and then um joe goes back to doing what joe does let to just get drunk off some sake he found and starts verbally abusing Yazzie before being nice to him again. Yeah, that's just how he does things.

Afterwards, Yazzie has to carry his drunk ass This movie is so bad. back to his tent, and he does some Native American ritual involving cigarette smoke. I'm assuming it's some kind of cleansing thing because Joe Enders is just full of demons. I'm sure this is just some traditional stuff

but again it doesn't it's the long con I'm giving you lung cancer you bitch I'm sure it's some like traditional Navajo stuff it doesn't talk about it at all he just starts doing it which is weird like if Yazzie was Armenian

he would actually just pour brandy over his face and punch him they got big noses fuck you joe has a big nose that's what i'm they've seen it they've seen it i know i i see it all the time i i look like a really mean Turkish caricature of an Armenian. It's awesome. Thanks, Dad. The Marines then move into a village, which is largely blown apart and abandoned, and the village gets attacked.

Oh, I fucking hate this. And this is like the peak moment where the Japanese soldiers appear out of nowhere and are just standing in the open shooting down at them um and the flamethrower guy which is chick yeah gets uh is attempting to bond with a japanese girl by feeding her chocolate which is like the most again it's a copy and paste from 100 other war movies yeah but while they're getting shot at she refuses to run away and the only and the only way he can get her to run away is by throwing chocolate behind cover like a dog like there's a thousand

people fucking shooting at you his racist mind he's like my dog responds really well to this but also how dumb is the kid like how dumb is like, you know, she's in the middle of a war now. She was a part of the ambush. Yeah, she's like, if I keep him here long enough, he'll get shot. And that's what happened. She's a sleeper cell. I'm calling it. Calling it.

What was her word to get her to fucking, like, Jason Bourne? The fucking Marines. She looks up at him, makes eye contact. She's like, long live the emperor, as he explodes. Wait, what's the fucking meme where the dude's like, oh, goddammit, I can't remember. I'll show you later. Sorry, people.

It's awesome, though. That's an in-joke that you don't even understand. But yeah, yeah. Chick dies, which is cool. Fuck Chick. Doesn't Joe shoot him? Noe shoot him no oh yeah yeah because he catches on fire yeah yeah he just 45s him yeah he you know like i'll take yeah sure i mean i wish fucking yazzie would have done it yeah that's like fuck you white boy and shoots him in the face

and someone's like he was only wounded. He would have been fine. Meanwhile, Joe and Ox, Ox being the other Code Talker bodyguard played by Christian Slater, another very- Which is awesome. I love Christian Slater. The other strangely old sergeant in this movie. He also plays Christian Slater in this movie as well.

Christian Slater always played Christian Slater in every movie he's in. Same sweet always played Christian Slater in every movie. Same sweet, slick back hair. In every fucking thing, to include Mr. Robot. To include Archer. Yeah. He literally plays himself on Archer. Exactly.

Which was not a stretch of how he acts in this movie either. Now, Ox is with White Horse, the Navajo he was supposed to protect. And no matter how many sick jumps or somersaults they do, they can't seem to get away from the surrounded Japanese. Holy shit, the Japanese come in one by one and just get fucked up by both of them. It's like a bad Kung Fu movie. John Woo in every combat scene

is channeling his inner Hong Kong director, which means he can no longer play Blizzard video games. But no, really, fuck you, Blizzard. Yeah, really. If anybody's ever seen Tropic Thunder or Adam Sandler, where they're actually getting shot at

in the movie. Adam Sandler wasn't in Tropic Thunder. Yeah, he was. No, he wasn't. No, I'm sorry. Ben Stiller. How could you get those two confused? One of them's an actual good actor.

The other one's Adam Sandler. That's my fault. I'm sorry. Talking about a really bad movie. So Ben Stiller goes out and shoots blanks. Tropic Thunder is a great movie, sir. I'm talking about Windtalkers. That's fair.

I love Tropic Thunder. Tropic Thunder is actually one of my favorite movies. It's one of the best war movies ever made. It really is. And it's really good because it's not a war movie. So when he goes out and shoots blanks and he fucking has his hand out just blah blah blah. Yeah, yeah. That's what I imagined Christian Slater was doing throughout the whole fucking

movie. And his facial expression not changing at all. Yeah. It was awesome. The default Christian Slater expression. I don't even know how to explain it. Dumb face. It's default when he dies. So they start, the Japanese start filing in one by one because they're nice about it, but they can't kill their way out of the problem.

And Ox eventually gets his head cut off with a motherfucking sword. Who does White Horse save throughout the scene with his fucking sweet throwing knife from his boot? That is Chick. Chick was not the flamethrower guy. Yeah, now I remember. Yeah, he throws the kukri knife thing

and saves Chick. I thought I was going to hit Chick when I was younger. I wish you would have. Yeah. Because back then I was like, oh, he's going to hit Chick. Now I'm like,

the Japanese guys have thought to kill Chick and White Horse is like, nope, he's mine. And if anybody's going to kill him, it's going to be me. You stole my kill! The Japanese guy's like, that was my kill! Your guy's like that was my kill

your mom's a whore fuck so Ox gets his fucking head chopped off and then he gets his neck shaved by sweet Canton yeah yeah and then somehow the Japanese know immediately on eyesight like it's like love at first sight but they know he's Navajo just by looking at him and don't kill him.

They just capture white horse. Yeah, I don't understand that scene. They just immediately start wrestling with him. That one, he looks kind of not white. We're curious. They're all wearing the same fucking thing. And they're all dirty from weeks of combat and living in a goddamn jungle. But sure, they know what he looks like immediately. Exactly, yeah. fucking thing and they're all dirty from weeks of combat and living in a goddamn jungle but sure

they know what he looks like immediately exactly yeah it's like they they all have a flow chart of all the navajo code talkers in the united states marine corps um and uh as they're dragging him away uh joe so during that scene ox looks over at White Horse and contemplates killing him, only to change his mind. Yeah. Because they're friends. Honestly, probably the best friendship throughout the whole movie. Yeah. Ox is like the most normal guy in the whole thing, which is weird because he's Christian Slater.

He tries being friends with Joe at first, and Joe blows him off because it's Joe. He's the only one who treats the Native Americans as people. He's the one that invites them to play poker. Yeah, like humans. Holy shit. He doesn't say one racial slur, which is a low bar, admittedly, but for this movie, it's a high one.

And he doesn't kill his code talker. He's the only person who treats them normal through the entire movie, gets his fucking head cut off. And they show a snippet of it too like his head it's because if they zoomed in they'd realize it was a rubber mat like it was like a melon with hair on attach it like you saw how bad the fake hand looked so bad yeah um and so they're dragging white horse away and joe battles with the idea of killing white horse as well and that's when they make eye contact

and White Horse gives them the stern nod. I think White Horse is like, goodbye, fuck you. And Joe's like, cool, that means grenade you. And he's like, what? It's like the scene from Team America when he's waving his hands. Help me, help me. He's like, Joe's like, what's that, kill me?

All right. White Horse is like, no, goddammit, white people. Oh, he's mocking us. What's he saying? Kiss me? Kiss me? Kiss this, you smart-ass motherfucker. And he throws a hand grenade at white horse, which goes off like a fucking goddamn airstrike.

He's fucking the IJA soldier into the grenade. Which should have dulled it a bit. Yeah. No, dude. It came down like a mortar, apparently. I think I was closer to a hand grenade before than white horse was, and I'm fine. grenade which should have dulled it a bit yeah no dude it came down like a mortar apparently i think i was closer to a hand grenade before the white horse was and i'm fine honestly i honestly think that joe over shot the grenade and a mortar just came down or some shit like a knee mortar yeah

and not to mention uh uh cage's hand grenade throw was like five feet short it looked like he's trying to shot put it too he's kind of like yeah yeah it he it was a short throw and hand grenades unlike movies do not have a large kill radius they have a decently large wound radius as i can attest to uh but like it's also in your book yeah yeah i wrote a whole book the hooligans of kandahar released like last year i don't remember anymore but uh yeah yeah uh and most of you that are listening to this episode got for free uh but yeah yeah he's like 15 feet away from this motherfucker when it comes up i paid for two copies that's your fault i got him signed um but yeah uh what's really dumb is like nobody knew that he killed White Horse.

Because it's war, people die. And Yazzie comes up and he's like, have you seen White Horse? And Ender's like, he's over there. I killed him. He kind of does a little point look. It's trying to be, I don't know what they're trying to make the scene. He feels bad about it. Yeah, that's pretty obvious that he feels torn up about it.

But it's Nicolas Cage, so he shows sorrow through kind of giggling. I don't like... But then he could have said, I found his body or something. But he's like, I had to do it. I had my orders. Like, dude, you killed my best friend. What the fuck? You have a shit ton of Japanese guys around.

You can literally diverge it into a different direction. Yeah, like don't tell your friend that you killed his best friend. His only friend he has. Yeah. Literally. Because Christian Slater's gone. Nobody else is nice to him. It was the guy who baptized his son.

Yeah. Nobody else is nice to him. There's only two guys nice to him, and they're both dead in the same area. Yeah. Who the fuck else is he? That's why he goes 180. I totally agree with his 180. Yep.

And then there's some obvious friction between the two of them that because neither of these guys can act really no and admittedly the guy who plays yazi um he's his acting has gotten better since then like uh he's turned into a really good actor he's in a great movie on netflix uh he's been in a few he wasn't actually he's in deadpool yeah he was uh but uh i think he was also in i mean suicide squad you're right he was in suicide squad Yeah, he was. I think he was also in Suicide Squad. You're right. He was in Suicide Squad, not Deadpool. I fucked that up.

Which, honestly, he had, I think, two lines. Then he got exploded in midair. Yeah, because he's like, fuck this. Fucking Batman's his way out. Just doof. Yeah. So not the greatest part. Not the greatest thing to be in your resume, I guess.

But yeah, I mean, he got better. Nicolas Cage has only gotten worse. But this scene, neither one of them can act off one another. So it has this weird live action Command and Conquer clip vibe than anything else. The Marines march out again. This time they're caught in the middle of a minefield, which you guessed it, starts blowing them up again. So first off, Yazzie walks through with no fucking care. Yeah, yeah. I don't give a fuck.

Yeah. And he's not supposed to because he's the valuable one because White Horse got fucking grenaded. The Marines keep running around in circles and doing sweep jump skills. You think Yazzie started carrying around Ox's head and like making it talk like nice to him? That's why he's also going insane.

Just loses it. I've lost my only friends. Everybody here is racist as shit. I killed a guy. Well, my friend Ox is here, and he pulls his head up. He pulls up his satchel, just petting it. Thanks, Ox. Your hair still looks the same. Pomade.

Now, they run through the minefield when the mines suspiciously blow up like fireballs. And they press the attack and everybody starts dying again and how many fucking people are in his platoon that just die i feel like their whole platoon should be dead just fucking marine red shirts um and then the you get the call back to the opening scene of the movie where joe's unit is surrounded running out of ammo and they can only speak in cliches um that and they're like we gotta get out of here and then Joe starts battling with his inner demons about

doing like holding the position or being a human being and uh you know those two things are hard he's honestly only worried about losing his other ear throughout this scene well he knows he's he's invincible until like the end so like clearly I'm not gonna die everybody else is going to

die. I've still got my one good ear. Every single person here with a loved one is fucked. I'm good. I'm all alone. I just have a crippling pill addiction. I didn't show anybody a picture of my family. His family is just a Polaroid inside of his helmet with his Oxy bottle in it.

Yeah, and right behind that picture is his good ear um so uh yazzy loses his radio again this guy kind of sucks yeah his his si first of all he has no account i don't know how people lose radios like it's literally a backpack but it's fucking giant uh and then the two sides start playing keep away with it like the marines should run after it and the Japanese run after and grab it like a game of capture. The Japanese know exactly what they're going to do with it.

Yeah. They're good. They're going to teabag it. Exactly. They're going to call up the U S Navy and be like, hello, is this the U S Navy? And the Navy's going to be like,

yes. Who may ask, speak to is like, well, is your refrigerator running? And the Navy's like, why? Yes. Like, well, you better go catch it. And then, and then the IJ is going to? He's like, well, is your refrigerator running? And the Navy's like, why, yes. Like, well, you better go catch it.

And then the IJA is going to hang up like, got those motherfuckers. The Marines keep prank calling us. Guys, we don't know how to continue the war. The Japanese keep calling us and telling us they're going to fuck our moms. Yeah, they were doing that. And the Navy was like, is that code for bomb that? Yeah, I guess. That ended up being perfect Navajo for show this position.

Yeah. And they're playing Keyboy at the radio which is exactly like a lot of schools now because you're playing a fun game and then a stranger comes in and shoots all your friends. I'm sorry. This is, of course, made easier by the fact that the Japanese are, again, unable to use cover. Much like the Marines are.

They're surrounded by trees and ditches and trenches. And nobody uses a fucking thing. It looks like Arizona. It really does look like Arizona. I haven't spent a lot of time in arizona but i think there's too much green there's a lot of birch yeah there's a lot there's a lot of brown yeah um this is of course um so like while the japanese are shooting at them it is important to note that like in the background you'll see like muzzle flashes and stuff nobody's moving anywhere they're just like

standing there waiting to get shot like a bad rail shooter game that you'd play in your cell phone honestly like they would respawn if the marines moved up a little bit this movie was bad like that's it's a it's a real shooter that you only play because like you have to take a shit and there's no cell phone service so you can't troll facebook or twitter like well fuck i down down this one. So I was drunk. When you're at the clinic. And for some reason,

every clinic has no cell service. Yeah. Yeah. And you just have to play a shitty phone game. Yep. This is the game that you play. Nicholas Cage's wild ride. Or you put,

let's say you try to watch Netflix. The only thing that pops up is wind talkers. I would like to give a big shout out to YouTube because I found this for free on YouTube and it had Russian subtitles. Feel free to watch it while you listen. Yeah, I'd recommend. I would not recommend it. So during the scene, both Yazzie and Joe are wounded and Yazzie finally gets a call in for some support. But they're getting overran and worried that Yazzie will be captured.

So, of course, he refuses to kill his new friend. Once they also cut scene, Nicholas Cage also does his scene where he does the same thing. Yeah, go ahead and give a break. Now, Nick, you're Yazzie. Just do it. Fuck yeah. So, yeah, like I was saying, Joe refuses to kill Yazzie, so he picks Fuck. Yeah. So yeah,

like I was saying, Joe refuses to kill Yazzie. So he picks him up and starts running and just, just think of, of like, of like how different this movie would be if like they're having that, like the, the orchestra is swelling in the background.

Bombs are going off all around. The Japanese are doing their weird canned screaming thing all around them and like Nicolas Cage looks over at Yazzie they make that emotional connection and then he shoots him in the fucking face that's just like that just credits

oh I guess Joe Andrews didn't change at all there's no character development honestly that would have made a better movie because it would have been shorter also like I never would have saw it coming very true like oh fuck okay john woo master of twist yeah what a twist um joe runs yazi to safety and planes bomb the shit of the japanese everybody's happy but probably not the japanese oh definitely not yeah they're getting firebombed. Also, now because this is the most...

Have you ever heard the webcomic Control-Alt-Delete? Yes. Okay, well this is a really weird reference, but he got a lot of shit for copy and pasting, like literally his own designs, and never doing real art, which is a valid complaint.

This movie is the copy and paste of every single emotional moment that's captured. It's a copy and paste from another film. Very, yeah. The whole movie. Yeah. The only thing that is a John Woo original is the action scenes, and you can fucking tell. Dude, I can't imagine

how many of the crew or the pyrotechnics guys have third degree burns. Yeah. They did get the best fire scene award from some award that i've never heard of somebody has to have some type of degree of burn uh joe ender's ear very now uh during this part joe got shot and now he's dying because of course he did he sacrificed himself for his friend bill like every other cliche ever like imagine if uh he's like i can't kill you oh i understand joe we've come a long ways like but that doesn't mean i'm gonna stay here with you either i just get something like i'm gonna go fuck a nurse

just runs off in the wrong direction just runs towards the Japanese but then he shows him running back wrong way he's carrying a wounded Japanese person what are you doing now this is a code talker right oh god and the entire US Marine Corps is like yeah looks good enough

and the Japanese are like I think he has a code talker I don't know they took Shinji fuck The Japanese are like, I think he has a coat. I don't know. They took they took Shinji. Fuck. Now, this is supposed to be a poignant moment where, like, Nicholas Cage has a last statement, like his last words. But he's acting and chewing the scenery so hard that you can't understand what the fuck he's saying. National Treasure was my best movie. I really peaked in Con Air.

Oh, fuck Con Air. God damn it. He's just coughing up blood. That was the best fucking Nicolas Cage movie ever. Put the bunny back in the box. And I watched this scene about three times, mostly because I hate myself, but also because I wanted to try to parse what he was saying.

And I think it's some kind of weird prayer, but I'm not sure. I think he was trying to speak Navajo again. And also the blood, he's like, the blood pill that he bit into to make it look like he's coughing up blood. It's like a ketchup packet. It's like neon red. It was a ketchup packet. It's like he's bleeding robot blood.

And then the movie ends with a wounded Yazzie back home with his wife and son. What did he name his kid? George Washington Yazzie. God damn it. Why? He hates his own child, which, I mean, my dad hated me, and that's why he named me Joseph. God. I mean, sure, fuck it.

Why not? I, too, want my son to be named after the dollar bill man. I'm going to name my son Donald Trump Kasabian, just to make sure he gets his ass kicked at school. Yeah, you get the kid, and as soon as you look at him, you're like, I don't like this kid. Yeah, it's like naming your boy Sue like the Johnny Cash song. I want to make sure you get fucking dunked on for as long as you live and you're not going to have any

money to save yourself because your dad's a writer and a podcaster. So go ahead and leave the car that you live in and go to school. What would you name your kid? Top name, go. Fuck, Batman. Fuck. Batman. Nice. Or I'd just go the big daddy route and let him name himself.

Cuddlingus. Oh god. Why would you name your child Cuddlingus? God damn it. So, let's try to, on most of the movies that we watch we try to pull one good thing from this movie this is gonna be cut hard the credits the credits are the best part i so i i have to say that i think the best part was um just how dumb the action scenes are mine was the first the grenade

scene with the guy running straight into the grenade with the fucked up arm that was my absolute i like the japanese guy cutting off the the the boret dick hand um notice how both of our favorite scenes have nothing to do with nicholas cage no he is truly the low late of this film. Now, the film would probably be bad good and not just bad bad if they let him go full unhinged Cage status. That's definitely the way to go. Their casting was not good

when they picked Nicolas Cage. Nothing about this was good. John Woo actually admitted that he wrote this movie pre-9-11 or him and the screenwriter wrote it pre-9-11 and then sat on it because they couldn't get funding and then 9-11 happened and patriotic shitty war movies were a fad and

then it got green lighted so now we know why this movie exists so I truly believe this is actually the worst thing Elkhead has ever done to us. Yeah, thanks a lot to you guys. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden. So everybody, thank you so much for sitting through this awful horse shit with us. Thank you for supporting the show. Thank you for donating to the Kurdish Red Cross. I hope we can watch a better movie next time. I mean, this is on us. We do this to ourselves

99% of the time. Every single time I put a poll up, they pick the best possible movie out of the three options. So like our fans care about her mental health. Oh, right. Yeah,

dude, it's us that suck. Yeah. Um, but like I said, thank you for supporting the show. Um, your support makes,

uh, all this possible. Our, our, our video games that we play for, for reviews, the movies that we watch, the production that you,

that you hear instead of the earlier episodes. Thank you. Thank you so much. We will see you next time.