Loremen Podcast - Episode 150 Livestream Minisode

Episode Date: November 17, 2022

Episode 150 will be LIVE on YouTube.com/LoremenPodcast At 8.30PM GMT on Monday 21st November 2022. Loreboys nether say die! LIVE TICKETS! https://www.angelcomedy.co.uk/event-detail/loremen-alasdair-beckett-king-james-shakeshaft-27th-jun-the-bill-murray-london-tickets-202206272100/ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Psst. Psst. Yes, James. Hello. Alistair, we're doing a special minisode again. I want to pretend this is content in and of itself, but I think we know, and the listeners definitely know by now, that when you see the words minisode, it means we're pushing something. No, it means hot content. Like a sun consolidated downolidated down?

Is that what suns do? Yeah, it collapsed in on itself to produce a smaller piece of more concentrated content. That's what this is like. It's like squash. It's like drinking neat squash. Just a full episode of Lawmen. You don't need the water. I thought you meant like the largely obsolete sport.

Ah, I played one round of squash with a friend and I didn't hit the ball once during it. That's how bad my hand-eye coordination is. It was humiliating. I was a member of the Chippin' Norton Squash Club and I think I was a member for a couple of years. I don't think I hit a ball once. I was going to say, I thought maybe that was the big difference between you and me as a duo, is that you're good at squash. No. But it's a lack of awareness about how bad you are at squash that separates us. The main thing I remember about squash is that the squash balls had different little colours on them.

Did you know about the little dots on the squash balls, the little coloured dots? What are the dots on the squash balls? You know, the squash balls, I really like the colour of a squash ball. That sort of green was a very dignified color but then within them they had little dots there was you most often it'd be a red dot which i think meant that the squash ball was recording and then there's also other colors like blue and white and yellow no i i don't know how to emphasize this i've never been that close to a squash ball

i couldn't get near to the ball so i don't know what they look like no i got to look at them and i'd be like ah that's what i'm trying to hit oh it's got a little dot on it and then i'd have distracted myself but i think squash clubs were just there to cull 40 year old men in the 90s because that's all you ever really heard about them is that a four-year-old man had a heart attack playing squash while playing squash yeah yeah so what are we plugging today james we're going to plug the live stream because alistair i don't know if you've been keeping count but i certainly haven't but i did a load of maths the other day and i added up all the various different numbers of our various different series yeah yeah that were clearly deliberate that was just the way we planned the series is to go. Yeah. Eight episodes, 13, 900 episodes.

That's just the pattern. And those numbers at the time of broadcast of the last episode added up to 149. And I went, oh. Nice round number, 149. That's close to a stepping stone, a leapfrog. No. Milestone. Milestone.

Thank you very much. Or a leapfrog, if you prefer. Or a leapfrog. To the leapfrog? No. Milestone. Milestone. Thank you very much. Or a leapfrog, if you prefer. Or a leapfrog. To the leapfrog of 150. Mm-hmm. So we should celebrate with a live stream. A 150th episode of Spectacular. Yes.

Is that what you've got in mind? Yeah. Next week. Not got a story for it yet, though, mind. I don't know if this is going to get him to tune in, James, you admitting that you haven't really planned it. I've got an amazing super secret story coming. It's so secret.

Oh, wow. Can you tell us any information about it? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I dare. Wow, that makes it even more special. So when is this much vaunted, is that the word?

So when is this wildly oversold 150th episode spectacular going to take place james on the 21st of november 2022 2022 at 8 30 p.m 8 30 p.m gmt gmt gumped some people might call that next week if you're watching this live now it's going to be a week today and if you listen to the podcast when will it be live thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. About five days, four or five days, depending on when you listen to the podcast. Not if they're listening to it after that. They'll say, they'll be going, it was yesterday.

I missed it. I'll have to go on YouTube and watch the live replay. I've never listened to any other podcasts, James. Do they all feel the need to explain the passage of time every time an issue like this arises? Sometimes I do when I'm doing the edit, and I have to just go in and put in a little bit of like, well, when we were saying this, it was, of course, the daytime.

I've re-edited all the old ones that had the lockdown fever to explain what lockdown was, in case some people had forgot. In case our podcasts end up in some kind of Voyager shuttle going out to outer space and people need more context. Yeah. Because the last thing we'd want is for this podcast

to have any obscure bits that people didn't get. And the picture, it will be that Leonardo da Vinci, you know. The Truvian man. Yes.

But it'll be Jim Manken. It'll be a human-faced dog. I don't know if Leave Me Alone is the message we want to send out to alien life is it depends how i'm feeling actually yeah maybe just leave us alone

for your own good leave us alone yeah there's nothing here do you have maybe a little small story i've got a little story list for you just to, you know, sweeten the pill. Yeah, yeah. It's not just an advert. It is a thing. So I was in Bristol this week, or a different week, depending on when you listen to this. Yeah, I'll put a link in the show notes of my explanation of time. Yeah, just put a link to explain when it was. I was in Bristol, and I was accosted, James, accosted by one of two men. It was either the writer, Jem Roberts, or it was his correspondent, the mysterious storyteller,

Brother Bernard. Both of them together are responsible for this book, Tales of Britain. So I thought I'd just give you uh one of the scottish tales how about that i'd love it i'd love to hear it well this is the the kintraw doonies the cantril what now calm down can't this is not a cantril alert thank goodness it's it's kintraw k-i-n-t-r-a-w uh which is uh which is a place just north of kilmartin in Scotland, in Argyll. Yeah, really bad news for Martin there. And the Doonies are a particular brand of fairy that are peculiar to that area.

Mooie warning, they sound like mooies. They've got a bit of a mooie vibe about them. But while the mooies I've always seen as sort of cow-like, the Doonies are a little bit more horsey. Oh. So they sometimes appear as little people, but also they sometimes appear as horses with flaming hooves. Ouch.

Full-size horses, or... I'm imagining them little. Ponies. I'm referring to the text ponies. Ponies. A small horse. Sometimes they can be kind, sometimes they can be cruel. You know fairies. Yeahies. A small horse. Sometimes they can be kind, sometimes they can be cruel. You know fairies.

Yeah, fairy stuff. The story takes place in Kilmartin, in Argyle, and a farmer has three children. Their names are Hetty, Betty and Archie. Great names. They've put a lot of work into them. Unfortunately, the farmer's wife goes missing one day and is presumed dead. And that's the beginning of the story of the Kintraw Doonies, because every Sunday when this farmer goes off to church

to hear the sermons of Father Jock Martin, which I don't think is a real name. I think that is a humorous Scottish name invented by Jem Roberts. Prove me wrong, Jem. Father Jock Martin. It sounds like Doc Martin. I don't think that's a humorous Scottish name invented by Jem Roberts. Prove me wrong, Jem. Father Jock Martin. It sounds like Doc Martin. I don't think that's the real person. Every Sunday he goes off to hear the fire and brimstone.

That's a quote, the fire and brimstone sermons of Mr. Jock Martin. Reverend Jock Martin to you, James. Yeah, okay. When he comes home, the three kids tell him that they saw their mum, that she came by. And he says, nonsense, your mum's dead. What a terrible thing to say. And the next Sunday, he goes off to church. And when he gets back, the three kids say, we saw her

again. She came in, she kissed each one of us, and she combed our hair. He says, what are you talking about? That absolutely couldn't possibly happen. And he goes off to church again. It's classic mum stuff, though, isn't it it is the kissing on the head and the doing of the hair

mums love that the next Sunday the mum comes again to the three children and they say but you know dad's saying that this can't be happening

and she she lays it all out to them what's happened is she got lost one night over in Kintraw, which is a wild area full of standing stones and monsters. She came upon a couple of people.

They called themselves the good people, but she didn't realize they were in fact the doonies. That's the thing. If you're self-labeling as one of the good guys, like, hey, I'm one of the good guys here you're probably not the twitter bio of these doonies is full of red flags oh uh for people in the future twitter was a social media platform yeah for people listening to this next week so she explained that the the doonies live in in yon hill and she has to go back to them they They just allow her a little break every Sunday to come and see the children.

But she's overstayed her welcome, and suddenly, she vanished before their very eyes. That's not classic mum stuff. That's not classic mum stuff, no. Well, when the father came back, the kids explained what's happened. They said, we weren't lying. We're not telling stories.

It's the Doonies. And he did not believe them. He went to seek the advice of Father Jock Martin. Did he refer to Archbishop Espadrille? Well, it actually is an Espadrille. I don't, I know the word. It's a type of shoe, right? It's literally the only type of shoe I've been able to think of for the last two minutes. So he went and sought the advice of, and I'm quoting here, the old purple-faced, white-whiskered zealot who flew into a rage

and said, this isn't true. You know, there's no such thing as doonies. This is nonsense. These little things, they're devils, they're fairies, they're sprites, they're a pagan superstition. He ranted and he raved. Hagan's superstition. He ranted and he raved.

Well, that was the last time anybody saw the poor mother. She was never allowed to return to the house. But it wasn't quite the end of the story. Because after he gave that terrible rant, a hiker was wandering around in the Kintraw area and he came across a body all twisted and mangled. Well, it was the body of Father Jock. And it seemed like he died in an accident because, well, his body was covered with hoof marks, James. Oh no. But the strange thing was that each hoof mark

was scorched into his skin as if it had been seared by a red hot poker. So, the lesson learned by Hetty, Betty and Archie was you do not speak against the Doonies.

So that's the story of the Kintraw Doonies. Wow. As told by me, ripping quite heavily off Brother Bernard and Jem Roberts. So thank you, Jem. I think it was probably you

who gave me the book because of the lack of a tonsure and hood. But I'll never know. Well, that was a very terrifying story, if I'm honest. Very downbeat. Really? Yeah, I know.

Sorry, I should have said it ends badly, but I think most of the Scottish tales do just end with a terrible bleakness. But what's interesting about that story, it started off bleak as well. Yeah. With a missing one. That's true.

And the middle, bleak. There should have been some warnings for that, sorry. But I think we've all learned a valuable lesson. I think we have. So, Alistair, what time... James. Can you...

Here's a test. What time and date are we going to be doing this 150th episode live stream? Well, James, our live stream is at 8.30pm

Greenwich Means Times. Gumped. Also known as Gumped on the 21st of November, Year of our Lord 2022 2022 perfect that's my answer

absolutely perfect seamless thank you yeah so please join us and we'll have a little party I might see if I can find a party popper

ooh might even let it off yeah alright I can't wait to roll on 150 yeah exactly roll on CL is that Roman for 150 Yeah, all right. I can't wait. Roll on 150. Yeah, exactly. Roll on CL. Is that Roman for 150?

Probably. So see you next week or in a couple of days or you've missed it. Yeah. Thank you to anybody who dropped in for the actual live version of this that was principally a proof of concept to see whether doing it differently tech wise works yes and hey how did those people hear about it alistair i don't know they heard about it in the in the law folk discord oh yeah you can become a member of if you become a patreon at patreon.com forward slash lawman pod just. You could be the first to hear about things like this.

Yeah. I'll come up with some better reasons to join. Yeah, there's probably other good things about it as well. I'll edit some of them in. Yeah. You can have a look at all my essays on time. But you don't have to. Yeah.

Cool. Well, see you next week, everybody. Or the past. Bye. Bye.