Loremen Podcast - Featherstone Corrections Minisode

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

Alasdair is back! But literally only just so we are not back up to full speed yet. Hence the minisode. Plus we have some unfinished business to take care of... namely the recent guest Deputying of Lore-Host Chris Cantrill. There's a couple of errors that need addressing and some very funny names that need flagging. For patreons check out the bonus episode feed for a sequel to "The Maggotting" www.patreon.com/loremenpod

okay uh let's begin we'll do a mini-sode style again and then we'll do a mini-sode style yeah we are kicking it mini-sode style yeah kicking it mini kicking it mini i tell you what doing mini-sodes is it takes less effort than doing full episodes do you think people notice it does we don't have to sing the theme tune there's no singing i don't have to get all my instruments but i normally get out to play the theme tune every time live. I'd make the noise of record hiss, which is kind of the easy bit. I just freestyle that, to be honest. Yeah.

I always have to make sure to sort of, it weirdly slows down and then speeds up, and I have to get that exactly the same every time. Yeah, but you're good at it. It seems to be like a second nature. Maybe we should start again. So, Alistair, you've been away,

you've returned the conquering hero. Yep, I'm back. I'm back at home. Back in the garret. James, I had a sellout run

in Edinburgh. You had a sellout run? Yes, I sold out all my shows and then we put on extra shows and I sold out all of those as well.

And people say that being a sellout is like it's a bad thing, but actually it was okay. It's a lot of fun. Yeah. And that was, I was going to say that was a sellout is like, it's a bad thing, but actually it was okay. It's a lot of fun. Yeah. And that was, I was going to say that was due in no small part to listeners from the podcast coming, but actually it was quite a small part because there weren't that many

of them. Did you meet listeners from the podcast? I met several listeners, several. No way. And they were all like, oh, it's not as funny when James isn't there. And I was like, shut up. I'm trying to do the show. Get out.

Stop interrupting. I'm trying to do the show. Get out. Stop interrupting. I'm five minutes into the show. I'll do the music at the end just for you. I'll just play the music. You won't have the record hiss, sure. Not without James. And they cried. Well, while you're away, Alistair,

I don't know if you know, but we had some guest deputy law hosts. Yep, I was aware. one of which was your enemy and mine chris cantrell yes of course who deserves a certain amount of congratulations because of course his his comedy partner amy gladhill was nominated for best newcomer at dave's edinburgh fringe awards and his i suppose it's fair to say that a show he's quite involved in, The Delightful Sausage, was nominated for the main award in spite of my best efforts.

Do you think that some people came to his show saying, oh, it's not as funny when it's not just Amy? I can only hope so. Well, that brings us to the subject of today's mini-sode, which is corrections. Yes, yeah, because this is what you get with... Okay, to be fair, he was doing two shows and he did get nominated for at least half of one.

Mm-hmm. So he was quite busy. Did he let the side down? I addressed one of the main errors in the next episodes the jenny collier episodes post post credit sequence i just want to let us know in the abk does the editing era there were no post post credits sequences that was the middle of three this thing doesn't happen when my hand is on the tiller. I just want you to be aware. Strong ending.

Not a Peter out. Not a classic Shake Shelf Peter out. It's letter Peter out. Sealed at Petergate. Which is a street in York. Oh, yes, that could be a street in York. It is a street in York. There's no could be about it.

I'm telling you, it is. Petergate. What's he done now? Do you think that's a scandal? it is a street in york it's there's no could be about it i'm telling you it is peter gate what's he done now do you think that's a scandal because it's caused by peter yes chris came in very excited he had a great story about featherstone castle he's always full of beans isn't he he was full of beans and i let him go with it i didn't fact check to anything so what i'm saying is that the blame lays squarely with chris cantrell it was a hundred percent his fault basically i got two books about a week after recording with him and they both had entries for featherstone castle and they corrected him in so

many ways now the main one so featherstone is spelt as you would imagine f-e-E-A-T-H-E-R-S-T-O-N-E. Yep. Featherstone. That's the ancestral home of the family spelt F-E-A-T-H-E-R-S-T-O-N-E-H-A-U-G-H. Now, you'd think that whore noise at the end would, when you coupled it with Featherstone, give you the sound Featherstone whore. Yeah, I imagine that would be pronounced Featherstone whore

in Chris Cantrell's voice. Is he back? Featherstone whore. That's how I imagine he'd say it. Oh, has he heard all the stuff we've been saying about him? I'm here. James, I heard everything. Feels like he's in the shed somewhere

i was in a footstool i heard it scuttling he's just he was he was in he just popped off the leather top of a footstool and scuttled out the door classic control just one of his classic moves but no you would be wrong to think as we we did, that that made the sound Featherstone Howe. It actually makes the posh surname Farnshaw. Farnshaw. Yes. Farnshaw. Farnshaw. Farnshaw.

As angry as I am that we got it so wrong, I am appreciative of the fact that they just saw the beginning of a word and then just made up the rest. Yeah, game recognises game. As angry as I am that you got it wrong, I'm angrier at those posh people for pretending that's their name. Yeah, it's called Farnshaw or Fanshawe. They can't even agree. This is Magdalen College all over again. Just because you're posh doesn't mean you can just say things wrong

and then make the rest of us go along with it. It sounds like you can. Hold on, I'm just checking in the book, and yes. Yeah, it turns out. Yes, you can. He also, I'm just checking in the book, and yes. Yes. It turns out. Yes, you can. He also got the date wrong. According to my new book, In Search of Britain's Haunted Castles, by Mark Alexander and Paul Abrahams, friend of the show, I think, Mark Alexander.

How hard is it to find a castle that you have to search for them? Oh, they're all in this book, with coordinates. Wow, you really don't need to search. The search has been done. Yeah. It says here the oldest part of the castle dates back to at least 1212, this book with coordinates wow you really don't need to search the search has been done yeah it says here the oldest part of the castle dates back to at least 12 12 which is nearly quarter past 12 not as chris said 20 to 2 he missed a couple of open goals that um it was originally set up by

someone called helios to fan shore who i believe was a hot air balloon. Yes, yes. Sort of frilly hot air balloon of a man. The young lover that the girl was pining after was from a town called Hard Riding. Mm-hmm. I can't see anything he could do with that. And according to your friend of mine, Sir Walter Scott, he was called Dick.

Ah! And in fact... Cantor's going to be kicking himself there. I can read you some notes from a ballad. Yes, please do. Could you read them in Chris Cantrell's voice? Well, I could read them in Chris Cantrell doing Sir Walter Scott's inimitable voice. The death of Featherstone Howe.

It should be fanshow. Who to our lads? Who to our? It should be fan show. Who to our lads? Who to our? I heard how the Ridley's in the fields and I set up on Albany Featherstone and taking his life for dead man's. There was William Muteswick and hard riding dick and you have howden and

will of the war. I can't. I cannot tell. I cannot tell. How I cannot tell her. How many a man that the devil may know. Uncanny, right? You all right, James? I got a bit of a cough.

Is that how you intended it to sound? Because it was quite distressing at points. That is from Sir Walter Scott's poem, which I think might have some of the Meg stuff in it as well. He did a sort of series of borderland-based poems. So he's missed an open goal on naming there with that.

Yeah, yeah, he really has. If you haven't listened to the episode, basically, a girl wants to marry someone, is forced to marry someone else. The someone's family, Hardwired and Dick, and his family have a massive fight with the girl's family hard riding dick uh and his family have a massive fight with the girl's family

and everyone dies and their ghosts haunt the castle the battle where everyone died took place in a gloomy wood called now i don't trust myself for how to say it now. It does look like it's written in Chris Cantrell's vernacular, though. Yeah. It's P-Y-N-K-I-N-S-C-L-E-U-G-H. So it looks like it's called Pinkin's Claw. Nature, Pinkin, Tooth and Claw. And also, after this battle, there was a bowl-shaped rock that the protagonist collapsed over and their

blood flowed into it. And two ravens came down and drank their blood, giving it the name Raven's Rock. That's quite goth. Which is apparently is still in that wood. Just ask for pinking's cloth. And not only that, he also missed two other ghosts.

There's two other ghosts in the castle. He sure changed you. There's a green lady who makes an appearance from time to time, but whose story remains a mystery. And now, again, I don't know how you're supposed to pronounce this. It's Sir Reginald Fitzhurst. Fitzhurst? F-I-T-Z-U-R-S-E.

Sir Reginald Fitzhurst. Thur. Yeah. How do you pronounce Thur? Sir Reginald Thur. It's pronounced F-T-H-U-U-R-G-H. Thur. Thur.

Sir Reginald Thur. And he was a prisoner in the old tower, was starved, and you can hear his groans and the clinking of his armour. The groans every time someone mispronounces his name. Ugh. That's actually how you pronounce it. It's pronounced, ugh. Clink, clink.

But I think if you were being starved to death you should take your armour off yeah you need to conserve energy take your armour off guys it's too heavy so on behalf of Chris Cantrell who we thank very much

for stepping in and helping us out that those are the 10 minute corrections episode that we've had to put out in response well I accept I accept Chris's apology 10 minute corrections episode that we've had to put out in response. Well, I accept.

I accept Chris's apology. He did send me some lovely pictures today. He's just visited the Whitby Museum. There's a lovely picture of him posing with the Hand of Glory that's there. Oh, nice. And you could get, I think from the gift shop, you can buy Hand of Glory candles.

You could buy your own little handy candy. Yeah, handy candy. You can either buy the full hand or buy the finger. But I think it's a false economy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're just going to be going back for more fingers, aren't you? Yeah, exactly. Shall I read the rest of the poem? Shall I read the whole poem in a normal

Scottish voice? Was it actually quite difficult to tell what you're saying. This is The Death of Featherstone Whore, or Fanshawe, by Walter Scott. Now, it is written in a Scots vernacular. So apologies to Scottish people for what you're about to receive. Who to are, lads?

Who to our lads, who to our? Have you heard how the Ridleys and Thirlwalls and our has set upon Albany Featherstone Har and taken his life at the Dead Man's Har? There was William Moatswick and Hard Riding Dick and Huey of Hardon and Will of the War. Oh, sorry, I missed him. I missed him. Didn't quite realise the implication of that Huey's name.

But at least the other guy has a completely unamusing name, Will of the War. I cannot tell her, I cannot tell her. And many a mare that the deal may gnaw. The old man went down, but Nicol, his son, ran away afore the fight was begun. And he run and he run, and afore they were done, there was many a Featherstone gatsicker stun,

as never was seen since the world was begun. I cannot tell our, I cannot tell our. Some got a scalp, and some got a claw. And they guard the Featherstones, how'd their jaw. Nicol and Alec and I, some got a hurt, and some got nan. Is it being written by Rhys Sharesmith at this point? and sin ran wallowing hen. Hoot, hoot, the old man slain outright. Lay him now with his face down. He's a sorrowful sight. Janet,

thou do not. I'll lay my best bonnet. Thou gets new good man afore it be night. Who away, lads, who away? We'se be hanged if we stay tack up the dead man and lay him and enter the bigging here's the barely a halt whistle we is great bulls pizzle that supper up the brew

and sign in the piggin that's i'm joking. That's what it says. I mean, I thought it was confusing when you were doing it in Chris Cantrell's voice, but doing it in your own voice has not clarified anything. No. Oh, wow. I should have proofed that last paragraph before I read it. There's another pizzle right there.

Sorry, people from the past who know what that means. That might just have to go. Maybe that's just for the Patreon. The Patreon pizzle crowd. They're nuts for that. I like the random Janet. Thou do not in the middle of it. Janet!

Janet! Janet!