Loremen Podcast - Loremen S5Ep63 - 2024 Almanac Part 1

Episode Date: January 9, 2025

It's Almanac time! The Loreboys take a look back over the episodes of 2024 and re-listen to some of the best clips, as voted for by the Lorefolk. This is a bumper compilation, with loads of extra chit-chat and a deep dive into The Art of Kissing. (The book.) This is one of your classic Top 11 countdowns, starting at 9 and counting down to 6. We'd love to say that'll make sense when you've listened to the episode. But it won't. The featured episodes are: S5Ep59 Oxfordshire Fairies S5Ep27 Leicester Fairies, Nuns, Ghosts and a Big Stone LIVE S5Ep29 The Japanese Tree With A Human Face with Uncanny Japan S5Ep25 The Beast of Belper and the Surrey Puma with Long Cat Media S5Ep34 Oxford Mysteries LIVE Part 1 S5Ep31 Gregor MacGregor, The Prince of Nowhere Join us LIVE in Leicester on the 9th February 2025 (2025): comedy-festival.co.uk/events/loremen-live Join the LoreFolk here... patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shake Shaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett King. Alistair, it's that time of year. January. Yeah, it's that bit between Christmas and Plough Monday. That famous time of year. It's the time for the lawmen almanac.

The lawmanac. Whoa. We've been doing this for years and we've never called it a lawmanac as far as I know. Well now we have and this is part one of that. Lawmanac. Part one. Part uno. Nice.

I mean, this is just us still talking now. Alastair. Alastair. We're just still talking. We are just still talking. I mean, just really summarizing the podcast at this point. Oh no, I didn't mean to break it down like that. We started eight years ago and we're still talking. We're just still talking. But yes, this is the top number of episodes of the podcast as voted for by the law folk.

I'm looking at your list. Are there three in joint eighth place, James? Yes! That's why part one is the countdown from nine to six. Who has ever heard of joint eighth as a category of... okay. Go for it. I never understand your system for this. I appreciate you putting a spreadsheet together, but I'm more confused. I think it's probably because the people in the Law Folk Discord... Thank you for voting, people. Law Folk. Excellent at voting, but I'm really tight with how many votes they can use. And so there's... with how many votes they can use. And so there's all the numbers are very similar.

For all the episodes. Mason- So, okay, the top number of episodes are all pretty much as popular as each other. Jason- Yeah. Mason- Apart from the first one, which is clearly the best. It's not even in this episode, that one. Jason- No, no, no. That's next week. That's for next week, people. So I think there are 11, right? In the top 11. But three of them are number eight. I don't know, should the bottom one, should it be number 11 and then three eights or should it be nine and then three eights? I don't think there's a consensus.

I don't think there's a normal way of doing this because most, most top tens don't have three eights in them, James. What? We should have done it alphabetically. You Vale What? We should have done it alphabetically. You're right. We should have done it alphabetically. Jason Vale It's the final countdown. Come on, James. What's the first or last? What's number nine? Jason Vale The least popular of the most popular episodes is series five. Oh, by the way, 2024 was a year dominated by Series 5.

Yeah. Yes, it was. I think it took us all the way from the start to the end of the year. Yeah. Thanks, Series 5. Respect. Nice work. The class from Series 5 there.

This one is the most recent episode. I've got loads of stats as well, by the way. It's the most recent episode in the top 11 from the 20th of November. And the worst. If you think like a lot of these votes are done on recency biased, not this at all. They aren't. Everything's rose tinted glasses. I don't think there's any other episodes past June.

Wow. Oh, what a bad autumn we had this year. Yeah. Sorry. I can't believe the listeners to the Middle-aged Men Remembering Things podcast Lawmen are into nostalgia. It's weird, isn't it? They think things were better in the past. But I've mentioned this before, you know there's a nostalgia magazine, genuinely. There's a magazine called nostalgia. Is it a print magazine?

Yeah. Of course. Can I get it as an app, James? Instead of having like a, you know, at the back of the magazine, it's like, what's in the next episode? Do they have like, what was in the last episode and why that, that magazine was better? People making the nostalgia magazine isn't as good as it used to be jokes must be, that must be a daily occurrence in the letters page. That can only be what is in the letters page. That joke over and over again.

I don't think the letters making that joke are as good as they used to be. Excellent point. But in at number nine, we've got series five, of course, episode 59, Oxfordshire Fairies. It was a bit of a grab bag of an episode of a few fairy stories from Oxfordshire. It took in Adwell Cop, which I'd done a little field report for. Oh yes. And there was a little song. But I think for me, the highlight was in the back of one of those 70s books, the adverts for other 70s books.

Yeah. Including your friend and mine, The Art of Kissing. Of course, The Art of Kissing. We've all read it now, since we heard about it a few months ago. By Hugh Morris. Someone pointed out that could be a joke name. Because it's humorous. Yeah.

Yep. Yep. Yep. But Alistair, the Internet Archive is back online and the entirety of The Art of Kissing is on there. All 21 pages of The Art of Kissing. 21 pages? I guess that's all you need. It's quite the pamph. Would you like to know the contents? Please.

First of all, this was written in 1936 and I don't need you to be a reader of Nostalgia Magazine to know it was a different time. Should we explain what Will of the Wisps are? I assume they're widely known entities. I've got an explanation in a little guy, in a field guide to the little people. Of course. I forgot that you had the hand buff. They are phosphorant frames or lights seen in swamps and other deserted

places that have long puzzled scientists. Do you want to stand in for a puzzled scientist there, Alistair? What's the current sort of... That just doesn't make any sense. There's no scientific explanation at all. What is it? Some sort of gas coming out of the ground that's somehow igniting? Yeah, it's like marsh gas, isn't it?

I thought it did have an explanation. Some kind of phosphorescent gas. This book, by the way, is so old, it cost 95p. It cost 95p new. That's the, yeah, when you buy books secondhand from that era, they've got a gold price massively. The best investment in the world, buying books in the late 70s. Yeah, and sell them to me. And this is, this edition is 78 exactly.

And it's one of them books that's got adverts for other books at the back. Nice. Unsurprisingly. You enjoyed this. You might enjoy Jonathan Trouser's guide to cycling. It's always some person you've never heard of and some dull hobby. There's Tony Soper, Wildlife Begins at Home. That's exactly, you're reading it from the book.

That's exactly the same as the thing I just made up. Well, Alistair, there's one more racy one, The Art of Kissing by Hugh Morris. I am immediately skeptical of Hugh Morris. What does he know? Before the sexual revolution, ushered in this liberated age, rights of courtship included the formal act of osculation. I don't know if we have to bleep that. Originally published in 1936, this book expounds on this ancient ritual.

Why people kiss. Naughty kissing. Naughty kissing. Preparing for a kiss. Naughty kissing. And this is the late 70s, so that probably was very naughty. Preparing for a kiss, how to put variety into your kisses. You'll come away from this book with a few winsome thoughts on how far liberation has really taken us. Wow. Yeah, you want to kiss like a revel with a different flavor every time. You want to confuse and baffle the kissy.

And do you remember Anthony Hipsley Cox? I recognize that name. He wrote, he wrote one of the sort of classic 70s haunted Britain books. That's kind of like a travel guide to haunted Britain. Well, he teamed up with Araminta Hipsley CoxCox to write the Book of the Sausage. Carso, maybe it is quite sexy. The Incredible History of the Sausage. Before feminism ruined sausages, we all enjoyed how amusing they were. Well.

The naughty sausages. Preparing for sausage. Now, it's The Incredible History of the Saus the sausage from ancient Rome to the succulent seventies, the A to Z of the sausage, from Alpenkluber to Zampone, the gastronomies geography of the sausage, the arts of complete do it yourself sausage making. Look, if I'd said, when I was saying a guy to cycling, if I'd said a gastronomies geography of the sausage, you would have said, no, that's a ridiculous riff, that's too implausible, do something more realistic like cycling.

What happens in that book about sausages? Does it tell you how to serve and enjoy the banger, plus a guide to drinking with sausages? So folk belief has been able to explain Willow the Wisp for many years. They're no ordinary lights, they're ones that show us Elfland, flashing from its borders as lightning before a storm. Many humans find these lights hypnotizing and will follow them wherever they lead, into bogs and marshes or over cliffs. So it says the flames are not elves but lights carried by elves.

The elves are animated by the souls of men, women and children. So they're closer to being ghosts than any other elves. The elves are animated by the souls of men, women, and children. So they're closer to being ghosts than any other elves. So in Russia, they are unbaptized children that have died. In English and Scottish, spunkies, they're called. They're also the souls of unbaptized children. They are also the souls of boundary stone movers. Usurers and swindlers can become Willow the Wisps in England. People used to hate usurers so much in those days. And boundary movers. What is that? That's literally someone who moves a boundary stone. It says, I guess it was really important before Google Maps. People get very upset if you move your garden wall into their garden.

So is it that? Yeah, I guess it is. In Sweden, the Ligteminn are the souls of landmark movies. So again in a completely accurate Swedish accent? Ligteminn. Oh, it's like being in Sweden. Wow. It's like being in Sweden with... Oh, what's his name?

I think he vaults the, the, the Bavarian actor. Oh, I don't know. Is it a Bavarian actor? Or the director. That's easier one. What's his name? You know, staring into the darkness. And you see the Villa of the Whips.

This is going to be annoying for Joe, cause he'll be able to remember. Come on. He's very famous. I want to say Gert Wilders, but he's just a racist. I know who you mean. The classic one with the hat is in Star Wars, would you believe? He's in The Mandalorian. Verner Herzog. Verner Herzog. When the Willows show themselves at sea, they're called St. Elmo's fire. No funny voice for that. No obvious voice brings to mind for St. Elmo's fire. Would it be an 80s Brat Pack voice?

I was going to do Elmo, but. Oh yeah. Why, why the Brat Pack? Didn't they do a film called St. Elmo's Fire? Wasn't that one of the Brat Pack movies? Not directed by Werner Herzog. Probably not. So there's Tickle Me St. Elmo's Fire.

It's a song as well, isn't it? I only know of it as a type of lightning that hovers around the masts of ships. Yes, in Scotland, the nimble men are the merry dancers. So I'm doing all the accents. Yeah, that's great. In France, the chevrois dancing it or dancing goats. That's what the Will of the Wisps are called. That sounds like a band.

And a song, Hey, Hey Men. Kit with the can stick, Jack o' Lanthorn, Joan in the ward and Hobbani's Lanthorn. The Will o' the Wisps are known throughout Europe and can be met on sea or land. They're most often shown themselves in late summer, autumn and winter. And they prefer to live in damp places such as swamps on moors or in the vicinity of graveyards. They're rarely seen when the weather is sunny, but often on heavy overcast days. That is what the field guide to little people has to offer. But these ones near Fringford Mill are kind of deadly.

They're red lights and they resemble little gnomes about three feet high, who looked as though their lower legs were concealed in grass and they bob up and down, emitting a singing sound. Ooh, I like that. They'll come within a foot or two of the human and then of the human, a human, and then bob away again. And apparently in 1972, girls were run over by a car because they'd been following these lights off a grass verge near Fringford mill. Oh, was it your classic two lights?

They're following them. They're following them. And then it's a reverse of the, it turns out to be the headlights of a car. They thought it was two little glowing fellas and suddenly the headlights of a car. Oh, maybe I think, I presume they got away without two severe injuries because the story got out as to what they were doing. It doesn't immediately say, and their widows.

Whilst their widows, yes. And a shire horse that was kept in a field near Fringford Mill always trembled with fear whenever the corpse lights would appear. So we've got the testimony of a horse. Good. It was a different time. It was a different time. Some might say a worse time. The first quote is, arrange it so that the girl is seated against the arm of the sofa. This knows its audience of the time. And it only seems to acknowledge that kissing is done by men on women. That's the only format of kiss. Even though, as you'll hear when I read out the table of contents, it does admit that there are different kinds of kissing, but that is all within that very small sphere of male on female kiss.

small sphere of male on female kiss. For the contents, one, different kinds of kisses. Two, why people kiss. Oh, yeah. A bit of background, kind of like a flashback episode in a Netflix series that you could do without. The next one, why kissing is pleasant. Okay. Approved methods of kissing. This is what we need. People cannot keep flying off the handle improvising. Just as a highlight from the approved method of kissing, it says the only kiss that counts is the one exchanged by two people who are in love with each other, which is quite a

nice touch, I think. That's quite sweet. Yeah. That's actually quite nice. The next is a little less prescriptive now. It's kisses are but preludes to love is the next one. And then preparing for the kiss, how to approach a girl. So they've kind of fallen back into that trap there. Yeah. It's a bit like, is it called the game? It's a bit sort of pickup artist-y for the 1930s.

Well, yes. Like a 1930s pickup artist going around with a sofa under his arm. Just the arm. Just the arm of a sofa. Vex is the technique of kissing. And after that, and this is very, this is very 1936, the game, it's how to kiss girls with different sizes of mouths. Yep. Yep. You are going to need to think about that. And then you've got enjoy the thrills of kissing. Then the French soul kiss.

Oh. Which is literally, actually it describes French kissing as in Avec tongue, as I guess the French call it. Thank you for saying that in French. Way. I don't want our English listeners knowing how to do that. It says the French, so it's kind of, oh, right. I'm just, I'm just picking out sentences.

You're reacting as if there are diagrams? No, it says lava will run through your veins instead of blood. Wow. Breath will come in short gasps. There will rise up in you an overpowering, overwhelming surge of emotion, such as you have never before experienced. Oh, wow. OK, wow.

I think we might have to save this for lawmen late. This is very late. This is too saucy for the start of a lawman episode. What are the highlights from the French soul kiss paragraphs? An entire paragraph that is simply the four words learn from the French. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I've said a few things on this podcast, but you know, they know romance, don't they? Kissing. Romance. Riding around on bicycles with bread. The good life. Well, it also says learn also from the old Romans,

Well, it also says learn also from the old Romans, especially Catalyst, whose love poems to Lesbia have lived through the ages because of the sincerity of his passion and the genius of his ability to express his emotions in the form of beautiful poetry. Is his love poems to Lesbia? Yeah. It sounds like he might be wasting his time. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It sounds like he might be wasting his time.

Yeah. Okay. It says kisses cost nothing is the gist of it basically. Then to those kisses add a hundred more, a thousand to that hundred. So kiss on to make that thousand up to a million, treble this million. And when that is done, let's kiss afresh as if we ever first begun. Okay. But have some chapstick to hand. Yeah, that's three million kisses. It's too many.

I think that's too many. And that's, yeah. So anyway, well, actually the next chapter probably should help with those three million. It says put variety in your kisses. Yeah, you'd have to. It's just a list of types of kisses. The vacuum kiss, the spiritual kiss, the eyelash kiss, the pain kiss. Don't do the vacuum kiss. Don't do the vacuum. Don't do the pain kiss.

And then the nip kiss. No! That's... no! Yeah. And variation kisses are the spice of love. Then it extols the virtues of electric kissing parties. Do you want to know what they are? Is it like static electricity? You wear rubber-soled shoes, you rub around on the floor and you get shocks? Absolutely. Have you been to an electric kissing party before? A gentleman never tells. No, obviously I haven't. That would be a ridiculous thing to do. So according to this 1936 book, some few years ago, a very peculiar kissing customer rose,

which deserves mention here because we can learn how to adapt the method to our modern devices. So young people would get together and they held what was known as electric kissing parties. See, they didn't have Netflix. They couldn't Netflix and chill. They just had to electrically kiss. Yeah, they had to carpet and rub. Young people, as ever, on the outlook for novel ways of entertaining themselves, they've moved on from ether sniffing parties.

What's wrong with just knocking the hats off gentlemen in the street and running away? And shouting quals. Yeah, come on kids. So the ladies and gentlemen range themselves about the room in a leap here the ladies select a partner and together they shuffle about on the carpet until they are charged with electricity, the lights in the room having first been turned low, then they kiss in the dark and make the sparks fly for the amusement of the onlookers. It does sound quite fun. Yeah, they've made it sound good to be fair. The electric kissing party. Then you've got the dancing kiss, the surprise kiss, not sure about that one, kissing under the mistletoe,

and general kissing games such as as Post Office and Kiss the Pillow. Doesn't really explain what those are. Assumes that we'll know them. And as you know, Post Office. Yes. Yeah. So that was a bit of extra reading for this episode. The only purpose this book could serve would be being confiscated by a nun in a school.

I think it does talk about, it sort of laments that people aren't taught kissing properly and that kids, I think it says some... Where was it? Basically, this is under the heading of approved methods of kissing. It says, there are still young women extant who believe that babies are the result of kisses. Actually, this is fact. And this condition exists because our parents are either ignorant of the methods of explaining sex to their children or are too embarrassed to enlighten them. And the result is that their children obtain their sexual information from the streets and alleys. Yeah. Kids are always on the telegrams these days, aren't they?

Yeah. Learning about back alley kissing techniques. What are you doing in there? Are you doing Morse code in there? Different sized mouths. How to kiss large mouth. So yeah, that is- Well, thanks for that disgusting interlude, James. That was awful. You're very welcome. And Alistair, now we've got to the log jam that is place eight in the rundown.

We're on 8A of our top nine. Yes. I hope the listener is as exasperated as I am by this. This is from the 10th of April and is. Or day 9A of April, as I call it. Or 9B. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Carry on.

It's series five, episode 27. It's Lester Ferry's Nun's Ghosts and a Big Stone. And I don't know if I've said this, but that name has James written all over it. Yes. Yes, it does. That title. That is how James loves to title an episode with a list encompassing everything in the entire episode.

Absolutely. And a big stone. It did have a big stone in it, to be fair. This was the edited down version of the live from the Leicester Comedy Festival. Yet another James story. Well done, James. Two so far. Two so far, yes.

Incidentally, we're going to be back in Leicester. In February 2025. Yes, we're going to be in Lester on February the 9th 2025. 2025. We'll pop a link. We'll pop a link below. What this is, is a masterclass in animal impressions from me. Listen and learn.

I'm going to tell you about a place called Humberstone. Do you know the place? Do you know the Humberstone of Humberstone? Just next to the KFC. There's some vigorous nodding happening for the benefit of the listener. Some real nods from the less, less types. Locals, locals. Locals, from the locals.

We'll just say locals. So the Humberstone is thousands of years old. It's on all stones, thousands of years old. That's a very apart from like hot new lava. Yep. And it is granite and it stood eight to 10 feet tall and seven and a half feet wide until the mid seventeen hundreds. Well, happened, James?

Well, according to someone who wrote into Gentleman's Magazine in 1813. It's one of them things, as we've talked about before in the past, you could just name stuff. When you were the first people to give things names, you could call them anything. So I did do a bit of Googling into Gentleman's Magazine. I got somewhat distracted. Googling into Gentleman's magazine. I got somewhat distracted. No, don't. It was a magazine from the past.

Do you think in those days people were routing around the sidings of the railway and pulling out Gentleman's magazine and just learning about standing stones? I'm like, oh, eight feet tall, eh? Four! Seven and a half feet. Grannit, you say? Thousands of years old, you say? According to someone who wrote in JD, a fella, come on. JD?

What a lad. He just calls himself JD, so I'm going to call him JD. I don't think that sounds like a self-applied nickname to me. I don't think his mum calls him JD. I was taught to drive by a JD. Were you? Yeah, JD. What, like a 12 year old boy in a baseball cap?

Taught you how to drive? It was fully illegal. He didn't have the dual control either. He just kept leaning over and pushing my pedals. And that sounds weird. So JD wrote into Gentleman's Magazine to describe how the Humber Stone had stood in a hollow until the 1750s when the top was chipped off and the hollow was filled in. And now it's just like a couple of foot sticking out of the ground.

If you look at the top of it, if you Google the pictures on the internet, it looks like a scrunched up cheek. It's like a pinkish color and it's got these sort of undulations in it. It's a very peculiar thing to look at. Do we know why? Why anyone would not just, I can see why you might fill in a hollow, but why would you then lop the top off the standing stone? I don't know. I don't know. They say it was to enable the field to be like plowed better. I think it was quite a bumpy field. Okay. So they sort of leveled it. But also they've got this big stone, which I don't know, I guess they wanted it a bit flatter. That's the thing with standing stones. I can't

stand how standing they are. Yeah. Make them flatter, I say. Yeah. Okay. Sign my petition. If you get 100,000 people to sign it, it will get debated. Should stones be flatter? Standing stones, it would say. Make them lie down. Yeah. They all used to be lying down before, like, students in their 70s put them back up. Yeah.

Well, back up is the real thing. Anyway. Sorry, are you Stonehenge Truthur, James real thing. Anyway. Sorry, are you a Stonehenge truth-er, James? Yes, yes. Jet fuel can't melt whatever. I don't know. I don't know. I've become confused.

According to the then frequent remarks of the villagers, the owner of the land who did this deed never prospered afterwards. He certainly was reduced to absolute poverty and died about six years ago in the parish workhouse. This is in 1813. Are you quoting JD there? I'm quoting JD there. Sorry, I should have changed it.

Could you do a sort of a young teen's voice? Got on the bus when we did this ever. That's my, that's my in. I've lost it again. I don't know what my ears heard there. I was a kid getting on the bus with my day saver. It's from a viral video from 20 years ago. No, it's just, it's just the way you vanish into the character. It's baffling to me. According to the then frequent...

You know what character I vanished into is Chris Gantrell again. According to the then frequent remarks of the villagers, the owner of the land who did this never prospered afterwards. He certainly was reduced to absolute poverty and died. About six years ago in parish workhouse. Yeah, so don't mess with the stone. What a lesson about chopping the top of a stone and then filling in the bottom. Don't do that. Exactly.

Leave them where they are. And a plot. Well, according to this is all according to JT. JT? Plot of land 100 yards northeast was called Hellhole Furlong, which is now a KFC. And in Hellhole Furlong, it is, well, it is widely thought that that's where Druids did their human sacrifices and they might have done it even on this Humberstone or as it's called in some cases, a hell stone. On the subject of fried chicken, James. Oh, yes.

So I realized you were moving on to human sacrifice. So I better jump in. There's a fried chicken place near me and you can see that I think it used to be called Perfect Fried Chicken, but presumably another business has already got that name. Yeah. So they've had it like a just, they've just, it isn't actually perfect. I'm sorry.

I can't say I can't make those claims anymore. So that what they've done is, and they haven't changed the whole sign. They've just got a new letter done so that they've replaced the P at the start with an F. It's called Furfect Fried Chicken. Furfect Fried Chicken? I know that probably you can work out where I live based on this information, so don't. But Furfect Fried Chicken, FFC.

Do you want to go for FFC, a Furfect Fried Chicken? Furfect Fried, why would you do that? Replace the C as well so it's Furfect Fried Chicken, why not? If you're the C as well? So it's perfect fried chicken. Why not? If you're going to do it, do it commit. Perfect fried chicken. So it's FFS. But then it would be difficult to Google.

I love it. I love something that just teaches you its own backstory. Just for you can be like the F is not even the same size as the P would have been. It's smaller. They're like, this is the largest F we could get. Do you think maybe what happened was the P fell off and then they went to the terrible miscommunication. Yeah, they needed, they needed to go, or they went to the letters shop, which I

presume is a place and all they had was one F. That was all they got. Just got an F. You can do it yourself. Fill it in. Could they not fill it in? Maybe. This, I don't know if this is broadcastable, but in Durham when I was a kid, there was

a fish and chip shop called Benny's B-E-N-I apostrophe S. Okay. Yeah, right. Are you visualizing those letters? And if it helps, it's in like a script font. So it's like a handwriting font and some really industrious vandals painstakingly broke the bottom loop off the B. I think you're ahead of me. So it said pennies.

Because they didn't get the apostrophe and I was like, well, that would have been funnier if you got the apostrophe. You've made a fool of yourself. The hellstone. It seems believed it comes from the old English he-er, which means death, or it could be hell-er. Hell-er. Hell-er.

It's not an alarming noise for a word that means death. Oh, death. Hell-er. It could mean that this place is a gateway to hell, or maybe not, because... Those are the options. It is or it isn't my big my now there's the option perfect or perfect there's the only two options perfection So in 1790, a contributor to the Gentleman's Magazine. That's that's that.

They sent the editor a brief account of the very best ghost which ever made its appearance in England. People are already laughing, James. You clearly said goats. I know I nearly said. You clearly said the very best goats. I did. I think I better retake that. I think a retake is probably in order. They sent to the editor a brief

account of the very best ghost which ever made its appearance in England. You're right to oo because it's a ghost. What we'll do is we'll cut that and make it sound like you were impressed by the goat. How good is this goat? You're wrong to ooo because it's a goat not an owl. James knows all the animal noises. I've got a kid. I've got a kid. You've got to learn them. You have to learn them. Dog. Rabbit.

Carrots. He's got me there. That's what a rabbit would say. There you go. What other noise does a rabbit make? That is the noise a rabbit makes. This is the rabbit's internal monologue. Made flesh. I think that I think part of what amused me about it was not just you saying carrots,

but the way you sort of said it in a very small rabbit's voice. I'm just trying to be accurate. I'm trying to do the rabbit's justice. Episode 8B, the second eight. Oh yes, the second of the eights. It's the Japanese tree with a human face. Featuring Teresa from Uncanny Japan. Yes. This is the first of a guest-id podcast.

Oh, I do want to do some honourable mentions as we go along. Another guest podcast that didn't quite make the top 11 was Graveyard Js with Icy Sedgwick. Oh, that was a good one. That was a lot of fun. People in the Discord very much enjoyed the list of things not to do in a graveyard. It's exactly the same as the list of ways of kissing. It is similar. Do not do any of those things in a graveyard.

Yeah. Don't shuffle around in a graveyard trying to get a static charge. What to do with graves of different sizes. Terry was a wonderful guest. It was her first time as a deputy and she told us some really funny stories. I do like the Japanese bit of yokai-ness. You like a Japanese thing with a human face. I do.

I do. I do. It's probably in part because my wife is part Japanese and she does have a human face. Really? I don't know. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so surprised there. Which was the most surprising? None of those things are surprising. I'm sorry. They're all fine. There's a whole bunch of things with human faces. We already talked about the gin man Ken, which is the human face dog. By the way, on another podcast, I'm involved with rural concerns with another deputy, Chris Cantrell. It often comes up, he's got a vendetta against someone in his village who is constantly leaving gin cans.

Will Barron Yes. A dangerous driver. Chris Willard Yes. Will Barron Who is behaving quite badly. Chris Willard Terribly. But they- Will Barron Chris also, in setting up a vigilante death squad, has perhaps crossed a line. Chris Willard Yes. Will Barron He's going to bit John Wick, like a rural northern John Wick.

Chris Willard Yeah. Will Barron A Jim Wick, if you can imagine such a thing. I think he would like that comparison. He's like John Wick, but he kills your dog. He refers to this person, this litterbug, as the Gin Can Man. And every time I think, oh, I should mention the gin man Ken, but it's just such a bunch of leaps. It's a lot of information to explain it.

And I've just done the reverse of that with this. But that's a little plug actually for that rural concerns. If you've already grown tired of the top 11 of the lawmen almanac. They're all halfway through the eights. Yeah. Midpoint in the eights is a classic drop off point. Don't leave in the middle of the eights, you fool. So I heard word that you did the Geneman Ken. Oh yes.

The human faced dog. We left him alone. That's what he wants. He wants to be left alone. Wouldn't you? I'm a human with a human face and I like being left alone. So I can only imagine how much dog with a human face would want to be left alone. For the newer lists, yeah. The Jim and Ken we covered in an episode with the comedian

Yuriko Katani and it's as far as I recall, it's a dog with a human face. I'm picturing the face of Noel Edmonds, but I think that's based on one of your illustrations, James. And I'm not sure that's Canon. I think that's a fair show. It can run as fast as a car on a motorway. It does green poop and eats rubbish out of bins. And a sighting of it involves someone seeing it. And whilst it was eating rubbish out of a bin, it turned around and looked at him and said, in Japanese, leave me alone. Leave me alone. Awesome. Great catchphrase as well. Such a great catchphrase. It really is. And in Japanese, it's even better. It just sounds funny. It sounds like an old man kind of like,

yeah, get out of here. What is it in Japanese? Hotoite. It's kind of slingy, male slingy. But today we have another human-faced thing. Is it a human? It's not a human. Thank goodness, because no offence, that would be a little disappointed if it was a human-faced human. Human-faced human. No, But it's kind of attached to a human. It's older, so the Ji Men Ken, the dog, kind of is recent. Like I said, more of an urban legend. But this one goes all the way back to the 1600s.

There's quite a few records of it, even in China, I guess, if you want to dig way back. So it probably came from China, but it kind of came into its own in Japan too. So 1600s, 1700s, 1800s, there are, you've got stories written about it, you've got artwork, it's in ukiyo-e, there's pictures of this thing, there's medical records, and there's newspaper articles. I even found a newspaper article about it. What it is, Jinmen Sou, and the word sou, so Jinmen, human- faced, soul is sometimes translated as tumor, but

it's going to get gross. It could also be pox, skin eruption, boil, pustule. So it's a human faced skin eruption. Like a human faced zit. Wow. But, but big, like really big. It grows. So it starts out, the story seems to be that it starts out, you wake up one day and you're like, oh, there's something on my knee. That's strange. And you leave it alone.

But a couple days later, it's getting bigger and bigger. And then eventually it gets big enough that you look at it and you're like, oh, geez, that a pair of eyes and a nose? Could that be a mouth? Does it have ears? And you go to the doctor and it seems like doctors can't do anything about it. They just poke and take notes which again it's in medical records like a doctor actually wrote down that it had two ears and closed eyes. What? Yeah yeah so it's very the, is this made up or is this your kind of real thing?

I don't know. So yeah, there's real medical records of it. Doctor can't do anything. Send you home. You go home. Do you both get a lollipop? Or is it just you? You should.

That is yes. Because what happens is when you go home and you're drinking to numb your pain of having this face on your knee or could be anywhere, usually knees, but could be shoulder, stomach, whatever. You think to yourself like, Oh, wouldn't it be interesting if I fed or gave a little sake to its mouth? I know, right? No, no, no. I mean, I don't even know what's going to happen in the story, but I've heard enough stories. No, this is a mistake. This is not going to end well. Don't give it sake.

And it laps it up and it says, and it wants more. So you give it more and it starts to get red in the face, I guess. And then you start saying, well, maybe it wants to eat. So you give it some food and then it starts eating. And it turns out that eventually it becomes like an entity of its own. It starts demanding, like every day, it's like, feed me, give me more sake. And people start wasting away because they can't eat and drink themselves because everything they've worked, all the food that they have in the house has to go to their little geniemen soul.

Wow, like a parasite. Like a parasite, yeah. Destroying the host. Destroying the host. Can they speak? Yeah, some of them do. And this is where I found there's another story. And he's found this one, actually, the other day. This one's not in the book because I just found it. And there was a story of this is in when at 1600s, so late 1600s, there is a man, young man, he's living with his parents. And the story goes, I love this one. So his father had laid hands on the maid servant, uh-huh. Out of jealousy, the wife killed the maid servant. Oh, I'm not sure. I'm not sure she was the one to blame in that situation.

But yes. So the maid servant gets killed. After that, a swelling appears on his right shoulder. I'm not sure she was the one to blame in that situation, but... Yes. Okay. So the maid's servant gets killed. After that, a swelling appears on his right shoulder. So he's getting a g-men-so. A few days later, his wife suddenly dies, which is a little suspicious. And then he gets a swelling on his left shoulder. So it's got one on each shoulder. Then they start talking to each other and to him.

So he's got the swelling here talking, he's got a demon soul here talking, and they're constantly talking to him. They just don't stop. When he ignores them, he suffers from such difficulty breathing that it seems as if he would die. So you can't ignore them. They're just like, God. Then a traveling monk comes through and he stays at his house and he learns about the situation, obviously because talking talking.

So yes, I was like, it would be quite difficult to hide. So he chanced the Lotus Sutra in front of the swellings on the father's shoulder. As a result, snakes emerge from them and they're pulled out. They're buried in a mound. He offers them prayers. And then finally the, the demons show, so on his shoulders disappear and all is well. I mean, it's not, it's not well. It's not well. The wife is dead. The maidservant's been murdered. I feel bad for the maidservant particularly badly.

Where did the snakes come from? Sorry. I feel bad for the maidservant particularly badly. Where did the snakes come from? Sorry. That's the, they were inside the, inside the store evidently. Yeah. So even though they had faces evidently, they were actually snakes. This is the only one I've ever heard about snakes. Usually it's, it's like the thing is that it is a little head kind of thing.

It is a little, I mean, when it comes to snakes, certainly better out than in. You don't want them. You don't want them in your shoulders. You don't want snakes emerging from any part of your body, but you also don't want them staying in there. So at some point you're going to have to choose and I better to have them all wriggle out. I'm not a doctor. But you could be.

Yeah, I've got pretty much most of the qualifications. You want to get the snakes out of there? I'm not a doctor. But you could be. Yeah, I've got pretty much most of the qualifications. You want to get the snakes out of there? Oh, yeah. As ever, we just need to remind listeners we are not trained medical professionals. A lot of people have somehow got the impression that we are doctors. We're not doctors. If you do have snakes in your shoulders, just dial...

Just squeeze them out. Squeeze them out. Do it yourself. Squeeze them out. Or try and contact a 17th century Japanese doctor. Very reasonable rates. Travelling monk, that work seems travelling monks are very efficient. That's a terrifying prospect. I had no idea that such a thing ever happened in real life. There's another story. This is the newspaper article. This one's interesting too. So this

is an actual newspaper article. 1882, August 25th, the Kyoto Shiga Shimbun, and it says that, In Nanmuro district, Mie prefecture, a farmer developed a swelling resembling a human face around his groin. The swelling opened its mouth and appeared to be asking for food. So the farmer tried giving it some rice. The swelling quickly devoured about one shawl, which is like 1.5 kilograms of rice, and it still seemed unsatisfied. Wow. I mean, did he put any soy sauce on the rice? Or was it just plain? It doesn't say. Is that one and a half kilo, is that in its uncooked state or is that cooked?

We don't know. Because that could be a huge quantity of bland rice. And if I were living on a guy's groin eating bucket loads of bland rice, I wouldn't be satisfied. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Aleister Beckett King. I will not have you besmirching the good name of Japanese rice. Genuinely, good rice is really good. Not 1.5 kilos good, but I will not have you say as bland. All right.

I mean, yes, it's good. I wouldn't shovel a kilo and a half of it into my groin. Even if it was asking for it. There's no follow up on that story. That's it. That's it. There's like, I have so many questions about this. There's no letters to the editor. That would surely have prompted letters. No follow up letters. Wow. I couldn't find any.

Or not even in, you know, like, you know, the Miss Connections one, like. Oh, yes. In the in the metro they have for people who who see somebody on public transport that I to to chat them up in a way that I think is it's 95% creepy and 5% charming. Yeah. You know, I was the passing monk. Who was on the lookout for snakes. You were feeding 1.5 kilograms of rice to your crotch face.

Made me meet up for some more rice. And a little sake too. Just see what happens, I suppose. But Alistair, you've also got a new podcast. Nicely set up, James. Yes, me and Eleanor Morton, comedian, internet celeb and author and Scottish woman have created a new podcast called Eleanor and Alastair Read That, where we revisit childhood classic novels from our childhood and decide if they are good, because there's a lot of them that might not be. So we're just going back to check really. And we have one episode out and it's about

The Hobbit, which I'd never read. And I don't want to do any spoilers, but annoyingly it is quite good. It is good. It's a good book. I think my kids are almost at the age where we can do The Hobbit. I think they're just about the right age for that. It'd be a good one to read aloud. So check that out. More episodes to come in January and coming months of our lives. Excellent. We'll look up.

So what is called Alistair? Eleanor and Alistair read that. It's called Eleanor and Alistair read that. Or read that because the word is spelt the same. What I thought is why have only one podcast that you can't tell how to pronounce it by looking? I did a similar thing by having another podcast called Rural Concerns, which is very difficult. Very difficult sounds for Americans to say.

Anyway, check out the pilot if you want. Yes. Yes. Or do always remember when we advise you to do something that is only if you can be bothered. 8C. It's time for 8C now, James. Is it?

Or do we? We're already there. Should we go back and re record? Cause it's a, it's a Because it's a countdown, isn't it? So this should be 8A. And we should have done 8C, 8B, 8A. Oh, James, I've ruined it. Is that how it works? But anyway, it's another guest episode. I think there's no precedent in there being three eights in the top nine of anything. Top 11 of nine.

Which episode is it, James? You've got to tell me. top nine of anything. Top 11 of nine. Top nine of... What? Which episode is it, James? You got to tell me. It is from the 27th of March. And it is series five. It is series five, episode 25. The Beast of Belpa with Long Cap Media.

First episode led by me, by the way, in the top 11 slash nine. Oh, yes. Yeah. First one isn't a James story, but really,, in the top 11 slash nine. Oh, yes. Yeah. First one isn't a James story, but really it was, it was long cap media. It was Lawrence and Lindsay telling us about a wild beast. I met someone from Belpa recently and I just had, I couldn't remember why I knew Belpa and I sort of, and it was in the normal world and I was like, Oh, I know.

I've heard of Belpa. And then I realized why I'd heard of Belper and I couldn't really tell him. It's cause you've got a beast. Oh yeah. Because of the beast. Because of the beast. Um, but this was a lovely fun episode. Uh, and spoiler, Lawrence has actually seen that beast of that Belper.

Oh, he's seen belt. Oh yeah. Oh, he's seen it. All right. Let's hear an eyewitness account. The first hand, because we've heard some other eyewitness account. Let's hear an eyewitness account from his hands. From his own hand. The horse's hand.

Or Cougar. He's not a horse. We really had to go. We really had to go at Cougars in this episode. Was it Cougar or Onyx's? I can't remember. We were quite cruel to all the big cats really. The smaller big cats. Yeah, we had complaints. The Longcats are still here in Lawmen HQ, trapped by an unwieldy and burly door person.

Yes. And while you're here, we'd love to squeeze another story out of you. Okay, well, I actually have what I believe to be a positive ID on a real life cryptid. What? Yeah. You've seen it. You've seen it yourself. I seen it with my eyes.

No. Before you knew about the story as well? Yes. So which I hope will add more credence to my tale. It's laden with credence now. It has more credence than a Clearwater revival. Jeez Louise. So if I may kick this off, I'm from London, but my sister lives... Ooh.

Sorry. Sorry, I forgot. I am Northern technically. Fair enough. I thought you were booing sister. My sister lives... Boo! Sorry, sorry, sorry, I forgot. I am Northern technically. Fair enough. I thought you were booing sister. My sister. Boo! We hate sister here.

Yeah, boo! You're on the internet now. Girls are loud. Boo for being female. Boo! So she decided to get out of London. Boo! And move.

It's as though we're in a pantomime. We've gone very pantomime. This is more pantomime than I'd intended this early on. Oh no it isn't. I was all right. There you go. How perfectly did I set that up for you? I even left a lovely little pause for you to jump in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you deserve most of the credit for that. Thank you. Oh no I don't. So my sister moved to Belpa, which is small mill town in Derbyshire. And the mill, I'm going to tell you this, the mill was founded by a Derbyshire industrialist, the hosier and cotton spinner Jedidiah Strutt. Jedidiah. Jedidiah.

That's D's in the middle. I'm just dropping that. Not Jebediah. No, not Jebediah. I read it twice. Jedidiah. Jedidiah. That's D's in the middle. I'm just dropping that answer. Not Jebediah. No, not Jebediah. I read it twice. Jedidiah. Jedidiah Strutt. A man and a walk.

Walk like you own a mill. The Jedidiah Strutt. It's like a kind of another ragtime number, isn't it? The Jedidiah Strutt. He was a pioneer of a machine known as the Derby Rib, which made rib stockings. He didn't invent it, but he basically bought it off the guy who invented it and called it his own. I could well imagine how he left that business meeting.

So I feel compelled at this point also to say just quickly that Jedediah Strutt had five children whose names were William, Elizabeth, Martha, Joseph and George Benson. He's the... George Benson is the only... none of the other Strutt children have two names, just George Benson. Benson's not a name, is it? Benson's a surname. Maybe he suspects that George wasn't his. Is there an actual George Benson in the village who is doing the opposite of the Jedidiah Strutt? Yeah, just a little skulking along.

The Benson skulk. So, yeah, Jedidiah Strutt and his many children have no bearing on the story. I'm just very aware that I don't have any other names really beyond this point. Billy Strutt. Billy Strutt. Nice. So my sister moved to the town of Belpur in I think about 2010 and I went to visit her

and near the mill founded by Jedediah Strutt is the River Derwent and there are houses with gardens that back onto the river. And we were walking around near this mill and we saw an animal in one of these gardens. So it was sniffing around the garden, around some furniture, like a table and chairs, garden furniture. At first I thought it was a dog

because it seemed to be dog shape and size, but then we realized, no, it's a cat. And we were looking at it and going, wow, that's a big old cat. And then there was a sort of a pause where we both let the cogs in our heads turn and sort of came to the conclusion, wow, that cat is really massive. But it was in the shape of a dog.

It was a cat in the shape of a dog. It was a cat. I would say the size of a dog and it didn't look quite right. It didn't have the proportions of a normal cat. It was a bit longer. Not stocky like a panther. Not like big cat proportions. More skinny. I didn't know what a lynx looked like at the time. But, Lindsay, you showed me a photo of a lynx and it pretty much was like a lynx.

Tiny head. Yeah. Small head. Range-ier and weirder than a normal cat and much bigger. And compared to the chairs, I would say about the size of a Labrador. If you're a Lynx listening to this and you've got body image issues, this is not going to help. I apologise. We can put a... It looked like a Lynx, you know, really disgusting.

Weird. Well, I've got a very tiny head for my body. I wouldn't necessarily say that's a bad thing. So you're allowed to say that. The listener might not realise that you taper to a point. I do, I'm like a Christmas tree or an iceberg. So we're looking at this in links and we start going through a sort of skeptics checklist going first of all are we absolutely sure that this is not a dog? And we looked

at it for a long time. We were seeing it. It was not kind of just a thing that we saw briefly and then it was scampered away. We looked at it for about two to three minutes, this thing. So we concluded, no, we know what dogs look like. We have cats in our house. We know what cats move like. This is a cat like being. And so the next thing we thought, well, are the chairs tiny? Good. That was going to be my next question. I can see it in your eyes, James, that you were about, you were small chairs. Well, thank you. Thank you for-

Little Wendy House playset. Yeah, I've, I thought I saw a sort of Godzilla once, but it was, it was just a toddler with a doll's house. I'm sorry for, I'm sorry for you. I would love for you to see a Godzilla at some point. In the wild. In the wild. In a zoo. Just for all...

They get stressed. Are the chairs tiny? Is that the remarkable thing? Are we in fact looking at a normal cat owned by a community of pixies? Maybe the cat is not the interesting thing in this. Maybe the pixies are there. Yeah. So all of this crossed our mind when we were talking. Did you check that you weren't nearer to it than you thought you were? Yeah. Yeah. That was another thing that we ruled out quite quickly. We had various points

of reference. We had sheds, fences for scale, houses. How long were you staring at this? And this was all going through your head? About two to three minutes, we were standing, looking at this thing, having this conversation in real time. But unless the houses were an elaborate Disney Imagineering style, tromp-doy, where the whole thing had been set up purely for the benefit of us looking at this creature, I think they were real houses. And yeah, and we were even thinking, is it just like a really big Maine coon? Which is

like one of the biggest types of cats. No, it was just too big. And anatomically, it didn't look right. We're definitely going to anatomically weird. We're going to get angry letters from links is and I know, but I can hear the, didn't look right. So we went home, we looked it up and it turns out there are numerous big cat sightings in Derbyshire. So we weren't going mad. Am I right in thinking, because you told me Lawrence, with I think a tone of shame that you'd written a song about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have written a song about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have written a song about it. Why the shame? Why the shame? You're right, music, what's to be ashamed or embarrassed about? Well, I think what I did in my lyrics there was try and make it better than my kind of slightly sort of, oh, it's a bit big. Yeah, that's really quite big.

If I'd gone for a more honest account of how it went, but I tried to improve the story further for the purposes of art and actually that's where I went wrong. Ah, so you feel ashamed. I feel ashamed about that. I think maybe you should have done more of a punk song like, horrible links, disgusting. Yeah. You know, just try and really emphasise how stupid little head. You've got an excellent punk voice, Lindsay.

I like the, it's very Vivian from the young ones. It's the only style I do really. How old are you when you did this song? I was about, I'd say 21. My sister, actually, who is a theatre maker, she made a piece of promenade theatre, children's theatre, called The Beast of Belpa, inspired by this very sighting. See, I reckon this is what happens with cryptids. Artists. They build on the story. And all of a sudden this absolute nonsense is disseminated throughout the community.

Yeah, what a shame that this disgusting Lynx was seen by two people who cannot contribute to society and have decided to work in the arts. Liars. Instead of do something useful, like own a mill. I'm going to improve this disgusting links through art. There we go. I can't remember if we discussed in that episode the difference between a big cat and a small cat.

It's something to do with whether they meow or roar. Is it? I would have said size. You would think. cat, something to do with whether they meow or roar? Mason 21 pages have the answer for me. Next up is another live episode. Now we've left the eights and we're on to seven. This is seven. Just a pure seven. It's the final seven. Because there were several eights. It's from the 29th of May. It is another live episode. It is series five episode. I can't say series five episode altogether without saying it wrong. Series five, episode 34 Oxford Mysteries Live.

Part one. Oh, no. Another James led episode. James, you are tearing ahead. You've been doing so well this year. Congratulations. I'm really upset at how badly I'm doing compared to you. Well, this was another grab bag though. Well, yeah, it was a classic Shake Shack grab bag, but what a selection of characters and accents.

Yes. This was very unique in that they all came from, pretty much all came from the one book which was written by someone who was in the audience. Yeah, that's never happened before. That was a magical moment. It put me on edge, I must admit. But I think, I think, Well, that's because most of the books we read are written by people who are dead.

So if they were to appear alive, that would be alarming. That, yes. And one of them runs someone over that time, allegedly. Yeah, yes. And one of them runs on one over that time. Allegedly. Oh yeah. Yeah, allegedly. Um, and it featured, I think my favourite accent I've ever done. And I think your favourite name of a person that we've ever had. Is that the poor landlord?

Yes. Yes. Yes, it is. Let's just have a listen. Since we are in the old fire station in Oxford as part of the St. Audio podcast festival. It's been converted into an arts venue, just to be clear. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're not really, really getting in the way. There's one of the sliding poles. We moved the sliding pole and they're just going to drop straight down. But we must record. I just realized I was doing the sound of them going down and up.

I don't think they can go unless it turns out it's not a fire and they just go straight back up. How can you guys do that? Someone put a tea towel over it. That was a chip pan. I've got three little fire service themed tales for us. And I've forgotten how the first one was fire service themed, but hopefully my notes will reveal that.

Oh yes, I remember. Okay, so first of all, I'm going to take you to the Bull at Burford. We're very near the Cotswold Wildlife Park right now. We've been taken there by our parents and we hope we're going there, but we're going to end up going to Burford Garden Centre. That was very much a local reference. Thank you very much for being local. That meant nothing to me. So yeah, the Bull in Burford, as Mike says here, it can boast a history of famously indiscreet couples.

Lord Nelson and Lady Emma Hamilton stayed there. Charlie too. The King Charles too and Nell Gwynn stayed there. And some 50 years ago, which would be the 70s, because this is a recent book. That almost never happens on our podcast. Wow. I've almost put an exclamation mark as to how recent that 50 years ago is for once.

Juliet Waldron was staying there. She was holidaying in the UK from America. Ooh. Yes. And she was staying in a room on the third floor and around 10 p.m. she went up to bed and she briefly fell asleep and then the next thing I knew, this is quoted text from the American, I should do an American's voice. Next thing I knew. I'm Juliet Waldron here. I think this is slander. I was standing

in the hall a few steps beyond my door. The light had apparently gone out because it was pitch black. I was in my flannel nightgown. It was confusing because I didn't know how I got there. And besides, it was uncomfortably cold. That was when I saw him. A gentleman with a mustache and beard. Listen, I can't hear you're miming holding a cigarette. Or a small cigar. It's a cigarilla. Listen, I can't hear you're miming holding a cigarette. Now.

Or a small cigar. It's a cigarilla. Or is it just a toothpick? Is she chewing on a toothpick? In a quarter of a mouth. I didn't know how I got there. A gentleman with a mustache and a beard wearing a hat went with a flowing plume and dressed in restoration over the top garb.

Weirdly, he was visible, but only to the shin. Sorry, Mike, I think my interpretation has caused befuddlement, as in the vision of him stopped at the shin, not that she could only see him through her shin. Visible to the naked shin. It was only visible to dogs and shins. He bowed, removed his hat and greeted me,

saying that he was an ancestor and he'd been waiting there in Boyford to see me. I hadn't realized how fun I was going to be to say. He'd been waiting there in Boyford. Near the guidance center. Just past the Cuttswood Wildlife Park. He'd been waiting there in Boyford to see me for quite a long time. And Juliette says she wasn't frightened. And he seemed to have a strange glow, but she did feel overwhelmed by the

strangeness of the situation, which is quite right. And she felt like she was sort of seeing him through a crack in time. And then suddenly, like, as it says here, like a skipping track of a CD, I should use a voice for it. Like suddenly, like the skipping track of a CD or DVD.

Yeah, that voice hasn't heard of CDs. No, it's from the 70s. Like a skipping of an 8-track cassette player. He vanished and she found herself staring at the patterned wallpaper in the dimly lit but unmistakably modern hotel corridor. And she was gone. So yes, I was in my nightgown.

Yes, it was icy cold, but my visitor was gone. I dashed back into my room, slammed the door and locked it, then jumped into bed and pulled the covers over my head. I thought I'd never go to sleep again, but I did. The big sleep. The post-ghost big sleep. So all that was left was the patterned wallpaper, the pattern of a restoration man

that goes down to his shins. Very popular seventies wallpaper design. Yes, and so far, so an obvious dream. But the following morning, she was having breakfast downstairs and she was excitedly telling her mother the story of what she'd seen the night before and obviously... Ma! Ma, ma, you're gonna hear this!

Sit down, Ma, you're not gonna believe it. If she sounds like that, what does the mother sound like? I don't... Peter Crepitt is the mother. Oh, Juliet! There you go with your stories again. Your Uncle Joey didn't make parole. Is that Back to the Future, James? That's today's first Back to the Future reference.

There are other films, James. Yeah, two and three. And then the proprietor came over, obviously overheard, given the deep resonance of her voice, and came over and said, now, this is a Burford accent now, please whisper, he hasn't been seen up there for months, but he's no good for business, so I don't want her to get around that he's back. So not the first time this specter had been seen on the premises. Corroboration, if you will. Or a man who creeps around the hotel at night.

Oh yeah, that's the point. No, but then he seemed particularly interested when Juliet mentioned the apparitions missing feet explaining. He seemed particularly interested when Juliet mentioned the apparitions missing feet, explaining... He was befeeted in the 16th century or something. Yes? I nearly did, no. No, I thought we had a befooting on our hands. I knew it.

It's the best place for them if they've been befooted. It's the second best place for feet, really, isn't it? The first is only ever seen by the shins. So many great new catchphrases for you, James. The second best place for feet? The hands. The hands. He seemed particularly interested when Julia mentioned the apparitions missing feet.

The guy had no feet. I've just knocked the accent out. I've knocked the perfect accent out my head doing that. That's because he's standing on the old floor. Ever since we redid the third story and covered the old warped floor, he's been chopped off like that. Oh.

So it's one of them, isn't it? I think I believe that one. Yeah. Yeah, that's really good collaboration. Yes, nice one, The Landlord. The tenuous link to Fire Serviceery is, if you go around the back of a bull, you will hear the sound.

Is this a pup? Yes. Okay. Yes. Although, actually, this works, this is Max in Works for All. If you go around the back of a bull, you will hear strange noises.

Yes. So if you go around the back of the bull, you will hear strange noises. So if you go around the back of the bull, you'll hear the sounds of terrified animals. And that is because in 1797, a candle was overturned in the stables and the stables burned down and there were some poor little horsies in there. Seven coach horses which were indicted and died. And that is the ghost of the horsies that you'll hear behind the back of the pub. Mixing the tones, isn't it, by referring to them as horsies, when I said.

When they have just burned to death, yeah. Yes, yes. So that is the first, the triptych of a fire service themed, the second. Very tenuously themed. Oh, oh, it gets tenuously. That was the best. I've seen tenuous, huh? That was the best. I've seen tenuous before.

This is tenuous. So in Ensham, at the railway in... Is that how that's pronounced? E-Y-N-S-H-A-M. Wow, Ensham. Yeah, what would you have said? I would have said Ein-sham. Ein-sham.

Call me an offcoming northerner, but I would have said Ein-sham. I'm pretty sure it's Ensham. Yeah, what would you have said? I would have said, Ansham. Ansham. Call me an off-coming northerner, but I would have said Ansham. I'm pretty sure it's Ansham. I'm sure you are. I'm not correcting you. I've been lied to. Ansham. I genuinely wasn't correcting him.

Don't look at me like that. I'm just saying it's not, shut up. So I just arrived in Ansham. No. Shut up. So I just arrived in Ainsham. No, this isn't Juliet Waldron making a second appearance. Apologies to Juliet. No, in the railway in Ainsham, detailed by John Donnelly in the Clarendonian magazine in 1967, the landlord of the pub, Mr. Little Child. That's his surname.

He was legally allowed to run a pub. He was not. No, the minimum is three and one trench coat, right? Mr. Little Child. Was his first name Tiny? Yes. The landlord announced that he was giving up the pub because of the continued presence of a customer who'd been murdered on the premises over a century before.

Should have cleaned it up. Are you going to make a little child do that? So what had happened is that the haunting had begun four years previously. We're just suppose he was Mr. Toddler. I'm going to try and leave it there, but I'm not going to succeed. There'd been no sightings of a ghostly figure, but there were a range of strange and inconvenient events that made life a very unpleasant for the landlord and their family. There were electrical failures.

The fridge was continually switching itself off. That is annoying. The beer tubs in the cellar would regularly close themselves or the pressure just go from them. But the thing that tipped him over the edge, Mr. Little Child, was the cellar doors would constantly rattle angrily like someone was trying to get out. Okay, that one's the first one that is even slightly spooky. That's quite...

The rest of them sound like general pub business that might occur in a pub. Well, I've got... There's a quote from Mr Little Child here. Are you going to do the voice? Yep. There's no logical explanation. Hold on, hold on. Get a phone book for him to stand on so he can get nearer to the microphone.

Do you want my phone books? Just checking. There's no logical explanation. I've got to get out. He's frightened the life out of me. Yeah, so. Poor little child. So yes, it's so far so nothing to do with the fire service.

But in 1976, that pub closed because a van crashed into it. Still no link to the fire service, I hear you cry. That lorry crashed because the hay that was its load spontaneously caught fire, distracting the driver so much that he crashed into a pub. For a while it must have looked like he was delivering some fire. And then like he was delivering it really badly.

Oh it may have got your fire! It's going to burn out before I get there! They don't make you sign for it, they just take a picture of you with the fire now. Sorry we tried to deliver your fire but you're out. So we left it in a safe space which is no longer a safe space because it's full of fire. PS you no longer have a shed. And that was a very fun episode. My main recollection of that live was there was way more people than I thought would be there. And I was sweating the whole time. I was very sweating. It was quite a hot day.

And yeah, it was a lot of fun though. I really enjoyed it. Well, you didn't seem nervous. Nobody would have known from the quality of the accent work. Well, I hid behind that American girl, that American teenager. You disappeared into the character really. I did. I did. Oh, quick plug again for the live coming up at Leicester. If you want to see me hiding how nervous I am in real life, you can do it in Leicester

on the 9th of February 2025. 2025. Oh, sorry. I got distracted and forgot to say it. I thought the lag had come back. 2025. Now I've said it. You can drop that in whenever you need it.

For a year. For the whole year. Oh yeah, I'll get my 2025. Just pop that in the bank. 2025. There's a couple of options. So, Alison, we're at the final one of this episode, this not half of the top 11 from nine to six. Classic run. It is from the eighth of May, 2025.

Oh yeah? Series 2024. I got the year wrong. Series 5, episode 31, Gregor McGregor, the Prince of Nowhere. Yes, it's an ABK episode. Closing out the first of the Lawman Acts. Canonically and officially better than all the ones that have gone before. Officially, mathematically better.

Yep. Yes! It got more votes, so therefore it's better. Although I can't actually see the amount more votes that it got on the spreadsheet. Which is it got one more vote. It got one more vote. No, it got a lot more vote than the eights. What was Gregor McGregor, the Prince of Nowhere, apart from a very enticing title?

He was a Scottish man who pulled a terrible swindle, really. I think it was like he was your NFT seller, but as well as scamming well-to-do people in the UK, he also really set up a load of people who were travelling, they thought, to a better life, up to fail quite disastrously. To the point that I had to edit out some of the things that happened from my telling of the story. Because it's a fun podcast and really a lot of them died. Loads of them died.

It was very, very bad. Tobyus Well, in the retelling of the story, there were also some funny moments that we had. Loads of them died. It was very, very bad. Mason all that Rob Roy stuff going on and he had loads of fake documents like that book about the... Nobody would write a massive book describing a place in enormous detail if that place didn't exist. Toby acclamation is that he starts every paragraph with Poyers! with an exclamation mark. Right, just to remind people. That they exist. But I can't help reading it in the rhythm of the way the village people say, young men, Poyers! I now bid you farewell, Poyers! On the 29th of April 1820, the king of the Mosquito

Nation by a deed executed at Cape Gracia said he has granted to me and Maia's forever the territory of Poia. It doesn't work as well. Poia's it shall be my constant study to render you happy. Poia's you definitely exist. You definitely exist. Bam bam please come to stay in my real country. It's definitely a real country. It wasn't a real country. It wasn't a real country.

So he was pretty successful, remarkably really, when it came to selling fictitious tracts of land. That said, people buy stars, don't they? And they buy plots of land on the moon, but they don't actually then go there. Yeah, they don't buy tickets. Well, actually, people do buy tickets to the moon. Yeah, they don't just go there. Yeah, they don't buy tickets. Well, actually, people do buy tickets to the moon. Yeah, they don't just go there. It started out really well, but he had a bit of trouble when it came to selling government

bonds because there was a stock market wobble. In Poyer? And investors, well, in South America, in South and Central America in general. So basically nobody was buying anything because they got a bit worried. That some of the places didn't exist. Well, maybe because, yes, people were starting to make their way back from Poyer and the was buying anything because they his wife's health. I don't think his wife's health was even in Italy. Next category, Gregor, he enchants. Oh, wordplay on like Gregor, he enchants.

Gregor, he enchants. Thank you. I could see in your face that you hadn't got that. Yes. So like Gregor, he chants type of type of singing listener and Gregor, he enchants. That's the name of the category. That's very nice. And I haven't really got much to back this up, except I thought that would be enough to carry me to a five. Well, he managed to enchant the very barest minimum two boats load of people. 250 people. Uprooting their lives and moving to a place that didn't exist. I mean, it's not enchanting when you tell it back.

Leaving him while he was in prison for being a fake. Yeah. He still seems to have believed it. Even one of the direct victims. Even the victim came back and said, no, leave him alone. No, I think it was probably one of the other conned people that I fell out with on the boat. Well, yeah, it is a five.

He clearly had a talent for something, didn't he? Yeah, they didn't even mention the scam in the papers when he died. Yeah, it is a five. Definitely. Yes, finally. Well, I dedicate this five to the victims. Final category. It's like NFTs if NFTs could give you malaria.

It's like NFTs, if NFTs could give you malaria. Yeah, yes, that's a very good point. I hope they weren't all dressed as grumpy apes, annoyed monkeys or whatever it was. Do you remember it was such a big deal? Everyone was like, oh, that's the future. On both sides it was such a big deal though, like people going there and other people going, this is what are you doing? Like really both sides, it was such a big deal, though, like people going there and other people going, what are you doing? Like really going on about it was ridiculous, but it was kind of the people going on about it ridiculous didn't help. Don't right click and save my imaginary Central American nation.

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh yeah. I mean, it is a hundred percent. I can't, I can't say anything less than a five for that. So what would a hundred percent be if you expressed it in terms of an out of five James? It would be a five. All right. Thank you. And you can right click and save on that five. I'm telling you what, I'm giving that five to the world. Thank you.

I'm locking it away in the blockchain. It's an open source score. Oh wow. What a, what a terrible man. Really? Yeah, very unpleasant Scottish man. Is there any idea about his motivation or anything? I'm paraphrasing the summary from David Sinclair's book here from memory, but he reckons that Gregor McGregor didn't leave an awful lot of documentation of his internal thoughts. Most of his writing is sort of in character writing and also things that are like anonymous

letters to the newspaper in defense of himself and things written by Thomas Strangeways and other things, you know, which are all probably written by him. So we don't really know, yeah, like sock puppet accounts. We don't really know what he was like as a person internally. We know he seemed to stay loyal to his wife who followed him around even when she wasn't really ill and was having to go to Italy and that sort of thing. She wasn't really in Italy. She wasn't in Italy. She was in, she was with him. But yeah, we don't really know what his

motivation was except that he quite liked people giving him money. Just scammed, just a scammer. But he can't possibly have thought it would work. That's the thing. When he must've known that when the boats arrive, ships, I know they're called ships, he must've known that when the big boats arrive, people would say, hang on, they would start to rumble it at that point. Did he think that if he, it was like, well, if I tell him someone will have some,

you know, some now, so now build their own city, like a sort of fire festival thing. I think maybe he thought, yes, if he had managed to keep selling bonds and raise loads of money, maybe the idea was fake it till you make it. Maybe he was going to like Theranos his way out of this situation. I don't know. There is an advert on YouTube. For the island? Don't, Alistair, don't buy it. advert on YouTube for the Island. Don't Alistair. Don't buy it.

There's an advert for the Republic of Poirier saying come to the Republic of Poirier, go to www.republicofpoirier.org. But that website doesn't exist. Is it not Rick Roll? Is it like the ultimate? Is it Rick Ashley's website? So there you have it. That is the rundown, the top 11 from 96, including all the eights. All the eights you could possibly imagine, which is three. There they were.

Thank you very much to all the Lorefolk who voted in the Discord, in the Lorefolk Discord. Thank you very much in general, all the Law Folk, for supporting us and just being really nice and being lovely in the Discord and having lovely chats. And thanks to you, the listener, for putting up with a clip episode and listening all the way to the end. It contains some original content. We learned a lot about kissing, too much. Yes, too much about kissing in the 30s. a lot about kissing too much.

Yes, too much about kissing in the 30s. But I do, I do not. I do think that the static thing still works. Or carpets, have they? James, are you rubbing your feet on the carpet now? A little bit. Just trying to build up a charge. Or do people just wear wellies all the time? Is that what it was? Yeah, that's how you knew someone was down to kiss in those days.

The wellied. Half a sofa and two wellies. Hello. Hello. He's been learning stuff from the back alleys. And then join us next week where we will have the classic top five of the top 11, just top five. Are there any weird numbers of numbers? Are we just doing one for each number this time? I think we're going to we're going to go off piste and just have one number for each number.

OK. All right. It might be confusing for people. They should have one like a poster up like in the swimming baths of the things you're not supposed to do in the swimming baths. They should have that in churchyards with like tying a rope around a sack and pulling it. It's just a simple cartoon drawing of that happening and heavy petting and all the things you can't do in the churchyard. You should definitely not have it. If you see any of those things happening.

No, no. Grabbing your knees up against your chest and then jumping into a grave. Don't do that. It's not deep enough. Yeah. No bombing a grave. Yeah. Bombing. That's what it's called. I'd say it's fair to say no splashing. No, I think that's good life advice. Really probably. All right to smoke because it's open air. I mean, it's just making more business for the churchyard really. Isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Good point. How old are we that we remember there being don't smoke in the swimming pool signs as if it wasn't a given that of course you wouldn't be smoking in this recreational area full of children.