Loremen Podcast - Mystery Bonus Episode - Amy Gledhill

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

While James continues his convalescence, we are busting out another bonus episode from the vaults! Enjoy some more previously Patreon-only extra stuff from episodes with the hilarious Amy Gledhill. Plus join us for live shows... At the Bill Murray - 17th September https://www.angelcomedy.co.uk/event-detail/loremen-live-again-17th-sep-the-bill-murray-london-tickets-202309171830/ At Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival - 31st October https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-1 LoreBoys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Alistair. Hello, James. Hello. Ordinarily, I'd whisper at the start of these mini-sodes. But at the minute, at the time of recording, I'm still laid up ear-wise. Yeah, so you can't tell if you're whispering or shouting right now. Not really. I don't know if I'm David Lynch in Twin Peaks or David Lynch doing some sort of guided meditation that I imagine he does.

Yeah. Relax. Allow your cares to drift away. You're lying on a beach. You can hear the sea. You actually are very loud there. I'm sure you can't tell. I think you're slightly louder than you're meant to be.

Your cares are drifting away on a raft. I don't feel any more relaxed, David. If anything, I feel more tense. No refunds! I've got a weird sense of uncertainty. So, yeah, so what's happened is old man Shakespeare has knackered his ears. I've had a run in with the blooming sea. Yeah, whereas I, the hip teen of the of the duo i'm fine

relatively speaking yeah for the full story on what's gone on just listen to the last minisode check out the last episode yeah and in the meantime whilst i are and are becoming a farmer or a pirate not clear carry on do they does that mean that they just never get any time off? It's constant relaxation time if you're a pirate. That's what the pirate strike breakers want you to think. So please enjoy this week some of the bonus episode taken from a couple of Amy Gledhill's appearances. Oh, good. We like Amy, don't we?

We do. When you can get her away from Chris. He's a bad influence. He is a bad influence, isn't he? She's very well behaved on her own. Well, for context, this contains references to the episodes that she appeared on, which involves her...

Oh, the revelation that you, Alistair, caught her in flagrante 20 plus years ago possibly i mean we may have we don't we'll never know for sure but it sounds like that may have happened in a sort of magical bit of retconning yes for our own lives and also unrelated uh the term stink pots is something that uh amy used to work in the york dungeon and those were things that were in each room to create the scent of the past horrible historical things yes so is that all the information the listener needs to to enjoy this well also there's a bit in the second section where we try and do a bark in Geordie,

which is a lot of fun. Do listen out for that. I'm very excited. Oh, and evidently there was a running joke about hair conditioner in the Yorkshire World Rangers episode. Maybe go listen to them as well. Go on, do that.

Just listen to some other episodes. Yeah. James is ill. I listen to some other episodes. Yeah. James is ill. I beg pardon? Come on. And I'm going to tuck myself up in bed with a glass bottle of Lucozade. Original flavour. Oh, nice.

Hey there, smellpots. I hope you've listened to Amy Gladhill's episode about Brother Jocundus, because if you haven't, that introduction will have been needlessly aggressive. Also, this little bonus extra interview segment will make more sense if you've listened to episode 60 of series three of the Lawmen podcast. So here comes Amy Gledhill with a spooky story. Amy, have you ever had a supernatural experience? Apart from the one we briefly touched upon in the episode with Alistair lurking. Hey, hey, hey, how am I the bad guy in the public nudity scandal as a mere bystander? To quote Back to the Future, he's a peeping Tom.

He's a peeping Tom. He's a peeping Tom. Just a strolling man. A strolling Geoffrey. Have I ever had a supernatural experience? I, well... Oh, yeah. At the Orc Dungeon. Oh, yeah.

The Orc Dungeon isn't actually a dungeon. It was an old school. And it is a really genuinely creepy building. And like a dungeon. Yeah, like a dungeon. But I didn't really have any strong opinions on the supernatural as such but it's the sort of thing where it's like i'm rational enough to think that it doesn't exist but then if i'm in a scary situation

my imagination is like oh my god there's a demon touching your ankle so i'd always be a bit scared but i could always just be like well it's because i'm sat in the dark in a dungeon that's perfectly there's a demon touching your ankle. So I'd always be a bit scared, but I could always just be like, well, it's because I'm sat in the dark in a dungeon. That's perfectly natural. But there was one time. Stinkpot fumes. Smellpot.

Smellpot. Stinkpots. Stinkpots and smellpots. That's my autobiography. The Gledhill story. The Gledhill story. Stledhill story Stink pots and smell pots And futtons for buttons Yeah there was a bit where I was dressed as a

Roman so I was in this Roman bit and there's like a mirror maze bit Oh yeah from the, there was the Roman era and then after that there was the mirror maze era wasn't there? Yeah the mirror maze bit. Oh yeah, from the, there was the Roman era and then after that there was the mirror maze era, wasn't there? Yeah, the mirror maze era. Yeah. Constantine. Yeah, it was Iron Age, Bronze Age, Mirror Age.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there was, because you had to put the audience in this mirror maze and then you shut the door and then they get lost and then you actually just move the curtain and you open up the same door. But it meant that when the audience was in or maybe there was nobody in but i basically was chatting to someone on the other side of the curtain who i thought was another actor because they'd come back and be like what time's your break and stuff and i was going hello and i was just chatting to them like normal and then i was like I can't hear you properly. And then I opened the curtain expecting to see a colleague and there was

nothing. And then I was like, Oh no, Oh God, I don't like this. So then I walked up to the next bit to see the actor there. And this actor was called Brian. And he's like this like 56 year old man who's worked at the dungeon for like

20 years. And he's not scared of anything. And I walked up and I was like, Brian, you'll never guess what's just happened. happened and he went just hang on a sec because someone's just been like flying off the wall back here and i just i'm just trying to work out what it is and i was like what so we were both like freaked out and then it turned out that paranormal investigators were coming to the dungeon that night for like most haunted or some sort of program like that. And the woman who does the displays. So she's there late at night on her own and isn't scared of anything.

And she was like, if they know paranormal investigators are coming, they start playing up. It's like school kids at Ofsted, isn't it? It was, but nobody that, cause I was still quite new, but nobody that had worked there had ever,

ever mentioned anything about supernatural or ghostly things or being scared of it or anything like that. They were all so, like, immune to it. And then to find out that, like, yeah, this woman that does the displays, who's like salt of the earth, she was from Hull as well. Oh, you can't scare a woman from Hull. You can't scare a woman from Hull.

I've always said it. But she was just like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They know we've got investigators coming tonight. So there are all sorts of stuff going on. And that really put the willies up me, like in museum gardens. So there you go. Thank you very much. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore.

I'm James Shakeshaft. And I should be doing the intro for this one, I think, because it's my story. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, yeah, I thought it was about last night. Yeah. Yeah, no, okay. Is that alright? Yeah. You just threw me. I threw me.

Now this is how it's done that's how he got into the sausage in the first place you're like yeah yeah get the tray bake guy get me that tray bake man you are actually american yeah don't tell anyone i have visited christopher cantrell in his village and i've been to Andy's cafe where they do the tray bakes and I've had one and it was brilliant and it really felt like you could be making some money off doing like tray bake tours

you know for the fans, for the real fans How would that manifest itself? We go to that cafe? No, you just send people on a bus to that cafe. Ah, so we don't have to go. So you get a percentage of the money. So when they're selling Treybakes, after we've

advertised them, we should be getting a little bit of that sweet, sweet Treybake cash. We could lay on a Treybake carabang. That's an old word for a crap coach. For a bad quality coach I thought it was pronounced

charabank but go for it maybe it is I don't know I heard it off a cockney I'm sure I'm saying it wrong I read it out of the book so I'm sure

carabank is correct yeah but you know I'm trying to say caravan but he was too cockney he might have been too cockney for a caravan yeah yeah we could like let's do let's lay on a that's a good idea do you now want to cut who's too cockney. You might have been too cockney for a caravan.

Yeah. Yeah, we could like, let's do, let's lay on a... That's a good idea, Amy. Do you now want a car? Well, yeah, I want about 60%. But then other than that, split between you. Honestly, that's all I'll tell you. Don't worry about it. You're welcome.

You're very welcome. I appreciate also how seamlessly you also plugged stray bags. Like it seems really natural the way you brought that in, Amy. Wait a minute. Oh, have you been gotten to by Big Tray Bake? I think she has, James. Big Meg. You don't need to pay me to advertise quality, luxury, confectionery goods.

But they do. They do, yeah, yeah, yeah. They pay you in tray bake. I'd love that. Do they save all the corners and mail them down? Oh. That would be a dream, wouldn't it? The crunchy corners.

What's good about that is you can reassemble a much smaller tray bake with just the corners. It looks like it was a full tray bake. It's a good start for a tray bake jigsaw as well. I want a cut of that. I want a cut of that. I want a cut of that. I just want the corner. You're smoking a pipe, James.

What's that? It's a pen. It's a pen. It's a pen. You're just wiggling it like Groucho Marx. Oh, he's pretending. Bless him. You're like a real man.

So relaxed. So masculine. So cool. you're like a real man so relaxed so masculine so cool I don't think you can stub a pipe out like that or is it a cigar I don't think you can stub out a pipe

I don't know it's everything it's everything I don't know what that one was I've seen people do it on skins I think

just on a fat Catherine wheel a big wheel of Catherine we know if any of us died we wouldn't make even the third page of chortle which is a blog doesn't even have more than one page and we wouldn't make a third page it's on the internet it's a bit like how footballers it's not like it but there's it's just reminded me oftentimes around christmas

with the congested football calendar footballers will try and get themselves sent off so that they can spend christmas with their family and they don't have to play on boxing day really yeah not all of them obviously but like if your team's just like in the middle the games don't really mean much over that time you might try and get yourself sent off so you can uh have a little do with that the fringe just just uh yeah just get briefly cancelled just for a couple of yeah just for a couple of days just for a wednesday just like sorry the show is not on because i've uh i've been cancelled one of them is almost a locked room mystery. And the other one is

a bona fide ghost story. Emphasis on the bona. No. I didn't really think the sentence through before saying it. Cancelled. Cancelled. You are cancelled. Was that Steve Pepperami? Or Steve's Pepperami? Simon

Pepperami. Sorry. Simon pepperami. Sorry. Sorry, Simon. I'm sorry for saying bono. I didn't mean to. Bono. Bono. I lied once about doing cow tipping and that haunts me.

Oh no. I said I did, but I didn't. Of course you didn't. It's bad for the cows. Yeah. It's bad for you as well, because then you've got a cow running at you. You've got an angry cow. You've just woken up a cow. The thing about a prank is, for me, that the victory has got to be in

proportion to how clever the person you've fooled with the prank is. And if the person is a cow, and the prank is tipping them over, what is the achievement there? Just sort of, just reminding them of man's dominance at the top of the food chain. Yeah, that's cool.

I mean, maybe the fact that they live in a fenced-off area and have milk squeezed out of them on their eggs would be enough. Amongst other things. And yeah, they're destined to be killed for food? I believe so, yes. Yeah. But what if the cow's a pr***? What if it's snoring?

What are you supposed to do? Spoiling your field time. Yeah. I deserve to be in fields at night, and it'd be peaceful. None of this wildlife stuff, none of this snoring, mooing. No, no, no.

You shut up, cow. Get over, cow. Over you go, cow. Anyway, I didn't. Go along on the short of it. If I told you I did, it was the person that I lied to. If you didn't think Snaffling Jock was nasty, there's definitely a nasty world ranger in my final tale.

Oh, can we guess who? It's an unnamed world ranger. Go for it. Pitch any names you like at me. I can only remember the fake ones. What was it? Scrofula Marjorie. Tin Whistle Joe.

Mushroom Charlie. Slap Face Ned. Mushroom Charlie. Two different types of drug. No, all of these were real people and all of them are completely blameless because none of them, I think, were alive at the time that this story happened. Okay. This features an unnamed Wold Ranger.

That's the sound of the neurons firing. Right. That is excellent sound effects. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, real good. I thought that was actual neurons firing. No, it wasn't.

I made that noise. No chance. Can I just say, as a matter of importance, if I die, it's vitally important that you sever my head and it stays in one of your two houses at all times. Yeah, sure thing. Yeah, we'll do it. James, just say yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You know what happens if you're fibbing? I'm going to absolutely wreak havoc. That's a good point. Say what you will about Amy. She didn't like having her head thrown out of a window into a cart full of manure.

She hated that. Oh, she's changed. Moving to London, getting all fancy. This is the kind of detail that will appear in your total obituary. Yes. Probably not in the North China Herald. Are you popular in China? Do they enjoy you and Chris, your brand of filthy colloquialisms?

Does that translate? Like pure Yorkshire comedy. No, I don't think it's... I think double acts are big in China, I understand. And I think a lot of Asian comedy is double act based. So maybe you could try it. Oh, well, we'll give it a go. We'll book a tour.

Yeah. On your recommendation. Most of China. We'll just book a huge tour. We once got a review from, well, not a broadsheet, let's just say, like not a fantastic publication, but the review said they communicate like two Chinese ping pong players. In Chinese?

Yeah. We were like, oh, wow, we're trying to speak English. I know Yorkshire's tricky for some people, but like, come on. It's like offensive to you and the Chinese, wow. We're trying to speak English. I know Yorkshire's tricky for some people, but like, come on. It's like offensive to you and the Chinese, that. And the Chinese and ping pong players. I said Mandarin, maybe. They've got many dialects, many languages in China. Exactly.

I'm aware of that. Yeah. You escaped cancelling. Yes. Yes again. Well done. That's cancelled. For one of our posters or something, we trimmed the quote and it just said, they communicatelling yet again. Well done. That's cancelled. We, for one of our posters or something,

we like trimmed the quote and it just said, they communicate like two Chinese. And I thought, what a fantastic, what a fantastic quote. Because what does it even mean? It was just bonkers. Was it T-W-O or T-O-O? Was it they communicate like two Chinese?

Like two Chinese. Yeah, it was T-O-O, was that they communicate like two Chinese. Like two Chinese. Yeah, it was T-W-O. But both work, actually. I'd like to see you and Chris communicate like three Chinese ping pong players. Me too. Just talking about ping pong. Strategies. Pure ping pong tactics, yeah.

Nice spin. Have you pong tactics. Nice spin. Have you got your bat? Yes. Have you got your shorts? Yes. Yes. Have you got your shorts to the third person? Yes.

Kawasaki. Kawasaki. Can I have some biscuits? Woof woof? Woof woof? Woof woof? Sausages? Maybe if you say the woof in the style of the laugh from Biker Grove.

Woof woof? Woof woof? Woof woof? Woof woof? Woof woof? Woof woof? Woof woof? Surprisingly difficult noise to make, Geordie. Woof man. Woof, woof, woof, woof. Surprisingly difficult noise to make, Geordie.

Woof, man. Woof, man. And it's got a Jeff Mann tash as well, this dog. It's a real cutie. You wouldn't blind a dog by shooting paintballs at it. No. You wouldn't do that. This sounds like the start of one of those video piracy adverts. You wouldn't steal a car.

You wouldn't blind a dog by firing paintballs at its eyes. Which is what happened to Anton Deck. Amy, your cup of tea I've thought it thrice now and I'm going to say it from the angle, it looks like It's so big. It so big the cup is the same size

as you but it also it looks like the cup that you get with um with with washing up powder washing powder yeah but if you're doing like if you're washing a giant's pants i'm yes absolutely massive scoop of non-bio you haven't seen the size of my knickers. I need a full one of these. It's actually a microwavable soup mug. What's it filled with? Pepsi Max cherry. Microwaved.

The soup of kings. Lovely warm. That's BMC. BMC Max. Smells like Christmas. Ooh. Or it's leavingconditioner at gmail.com. Was that a good enough plug for our literally numbers of listeners? was that was that

a good enough plug for our for our literally literally numbers of listeners about that that was incredible is there anything else

I should have because I thought I segued into it really well I'm not sufficient for compliments it felt really smooth so good

the only problem is I'm going to have to book bigger venues now I imagine for the tour they're not going to all fit in but uh yeah great because our listeners are well into this into the double figures to book bigger venues now, I imagine, for the tour. They're not going to all fit in.

But, yeah, great. Because our listeners are well into the double figures at this point. And a little tip, if you're not able to book a hotel,

get yourself arrested. That's genius. I could go sleep in barns. I could do a barn tour. Oh. I wonder if I'm related at all to any of the world rangers. I mean, there's more than one ginger one. Yeah.

Your eyes are blue as well, aren't they? Oh, yeah. Yeah. How many fingers have you got these days? I've got three on each. I guess we'll never know. We'll never know. And what we'll do is we'll probably use a filter on the sound

to get rid of the noise of that chicken that's tied to your leg. Oh, right. I wondered if the mic would be picking that up. It has picked up a little bit of its squawking and scratchings as it tries to flee, but can't, because it's tethered to you. Do you think it's on a rope tied to it? Or it's like tied to it? Like you'd tie someone to the...

Oh, I think he's got some leeway, James. He's not a monster. Oh, right, okay. I don't know if the chicken's bound to his leg. Like it's been naughty on a ship in the past. Just gaffer tip to his thigh. Like Ulysses latched to the mast, the chicken is tied to his leg

as chicken temptations pass by. Corn. Whatever else it is chicken's like. Chicken temptation sounds like a sort of frozen chicken product that you'd have in the freezer. Ooh, I'm going to have some. You got any dip for my chicken temptations?

This dip tastes weird. Oh, this is leave-in conditioner. So also, you could come and see us live and, well, see if I am alive. Yeah, come and see what remains of James Shakespeare. Yeah. The eldest lawman. Yes. The elder lawman.

He cannot die until he passes the roll on to someone else. So don't touch him. If you see him, don't touch him or you'll become the new lawman and he'll just wither like the emperor in the Dark Crystal. I am still a lawman. That's what it would sound like if a Dalek was playing that character. Or the baddie out of what was the hand puppet

Gerry Anderson one oh I don't know the witch evil witch in that come on everyone everyone who listens to this podcast definitely knows the name of the witch from the terror hawks the terror hawks I've never even heard of the terror hawks

the witch from the terror hawks just have a little google I've genuinely had nightmares about this Terror Hawks. Oh my god. The Witch from the Terror Hawks. Just have a little Google. I've genuinely had nightmares about this thing. Well, come to the live shows basically. It won't just be James describing Gerry Anderson projects that I haven't heard of. Yeah. Remember Space Precincts, James?

Yeah, it wasn't very good. I didn't like it. Zelda is the main villain. Live shows. Oh, sorry. I'm just looking at a Wikipedia is the main villain. Live shows. Oh, sorry. I'm just looking at a Wikipedia page about the past. Stop remembering things, James. That's not what the podcast is about. That's not what we're here for.

The 17th of September. 2023. Bill Murray, Islington. 2023. We're Lawmen live again. And then the 31st of October. Better known to you and I as Halloween. 2023.

the 31st of October, better known to you and I as Halloween. 2023. We're doing the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival in Ballam in the Bedford pub.

And it will be terrifying. Yes, gosh, terrifying. So the first one will be lovely and then the second one will be terrifying. Yes. So see you there. Goodbye.

Goodbye. I just, oh, wow. Honestly, the terror terror hawks you should look it up is everything okay yeah yeah yeah you should look up them terror hawks okay terror terror hawks oh yeah isn't she scary isn't she just