Loremen Podcast - S1 Ep3: Loremen S1 Ep3 - Pelton Brag and Long Compton

Episode Date: January 4, 2018

James and Alasdair encounter the most dangerous animal of all, and discover how many witches it takes to pull a hay wagon. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, the podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm James's rival and co-sleeper, Alastair Beckett-King. In every episode, we present a piece of forgotten folklore, and at the end of the tale, apply our entirely arbitrary scoring system. Our first tale poses the age-old question, are elderly women degenerate liars? Right, well, this comes from a village called Pelton in County Durham,

which is three miles away from Chesterley Street, just to put that in context for you. Right. Chesterley Street is... We've got an Argos there. Is that where you're from? No. I'm from Durham.

Chesterley Street is just one of the places in Durham. It's a street. Which is fine. It's not a street. You've made the first mistake. Yeah. It's a town, but it's called Chesterley Street. It's spelt Chester-le-street.

Ah, yes. Chester-the-street, French. Yeah. But it's called Chesterley Street. It's spelt Chester-le-Street. Ah, yes. Chester-le-Street, French. Yeah. But we all say Chesterley Street. Twice as confusing as you could be. Yeah, I've deliberately made this difficult to understand. So we're not even talking about Chesterley Street. No.

It's in a place called Pelton. And this is the story of the Pelton Bragg. Do you know what a Bragg is? Is it a type of horse? Yes. Wow. Almost. It's a sort of bogey horse. So it's a sort of a kind of magical horse

that, I don't want to say haunted, sort of trolled would be the 21st century version of it. He trolled the village of Pelton. So it's an evil being. Whether the horse is evil or not is not clear. Okay, but in general, a brag, is it mischievous?

I would pronounce that mischievous. Everyone says mischievous. I read the beginnings of words. And then just strike out on your own. Yeah, I think I've got the idea and my idea's pretty good. It certainly is a mischievous creature.

In a book called Bishopric Garland, which is good because it's got the word bishopric in it, which is always a nice word. And it sounds like it's got b***h in it. Doubly entertaining. Sir Cuthbert Sharp took down the story by finding a 90-year-old woman in Pelton. The book is 1834. And she was nine. She was in her 90s, and all of what she's saying happened presumably in a time that

only she remembers and therefore some of the less believable parts of the story in the mid 1700s yeah yeah so so that's that that's the time frame we're looking at here for the for the pelton brag so i'm going to read it in an impression of an old lady from pelton which may not be spot on it might come out ch Chesterley Street. I never saw the brag. I'm just pausing there to make sure that you're on board with the accent. Yeah. All right.

I never saw the brag very distinctly, but I frequently heard it. It sometimes appeared like a calf with a white handkerchief about its neck and a bushy tail. It also came like a galloway, also another kind of horse, but more often like a court horse

and went trotting on down the lonin, which means lane. It went trotting along the lonin of four forks, setting up a great knicker and whinny every now and then. So far, like a horse would. Well, like a number of different horses. Like a range of horses. It would set up a great knicker and whinny every now and then,

and it frequently came like a dickass. Now, that's in inverted commas. So that's a direct quote. It frequently came like a dickass, and it always stopped at the pond at the forlorn end and nickered and whinnied. Now, what's a dickass? It's this thing that's made up of the word dickass. Yeah, it is spelt the traditional way. I would guess, because an ass, that's a horse that's been bred with a donkey.

Mule is a crossbreed between a horse and a donkey. And I think an ass is just a synonym for donkey, so I googled dickass. Didn't help. Not on my internet, I hope. No. What I did then was, having guessed that it was a kind of donkey, I tried dickass donkey. Worse. Much worse. Safe search on. Because there are loads of websites that have tried dick-ass donkey. Worse. Much worse.

Safe search on. Because there are loads of websites that have those words, but in a different order. And that caused many problems until I found the Dictionary of Obsolete and Provincial Words 1880,

which defines it dick-ass, a jack-ass, so like a horse, but also maybe like a jack-ass is an idiot. Or it's a northern phrase meaning a jackass, a sort of hobgoblin, or a dicker Tuesdays. Which just sounds like a prospectus.

I haven't seen you in a dicker Tuesdays. I'm not sure what a dicker Tuesdays is. Or a will with the wisp, it says here, not will-o'-the-wisp. Just an associate of the wisp, it says here, not will-a-the-wisp. Just an associate of the wisp. Yeah. So it appears to just be either a donkey or an evil donkey. And that's...

Shall I proceed with more of... Oh, yeah, if she's got more. Old lady's account. Yeah. Well, this is where, for me, it veers into what folklorists call obvious nonsense. My brother once saw it, like four men holding up a white sheet. I was then sure that some near relation

was going to die which was true. No details follow. My husband once saw it in the image of a naked man without a head. Dr. Harrison wouldn't believe in it

but he met it one night as he was going home and it almost killed him but he would never tell what happened and he didn't like to talk about it. How does she know?

But she could just tell that he'd met what could be one of several horses. Yeah. Or four men. It's starting to sound like several separate things. Yeah. First of all, it was a bunch of different horses. Now it's not even horses.

And now it's just an inkling that she saw something in a doctor's eyes that he wouldn't speak of. Whenever the brag was mentioned, he sat trembling and shaking by the fireside. Even if he wasn't at a fireside,

when he would have to go, he'd be in the middle of surgery and someone would say, the brag! He'd have to go and sit by the fireside. I think some of the truth of the story comes out in the next passage. My uncle

had a white suit of clothes and the first time he ever put them on he met the brag. And he never had them on afterwards but he met with some misfortune. And once when he met the brag and had his white suit on being a bald man and having been at a christening, he was determined to get on the brag's back. But when he

came to the forelondon end the brag joggled him so sore that he could hardly keep his seat and at last it threw him off into the middle of a pond

and then ran away setting up a great knicker and laugh just for all the world like a christian so I think that's the key element it's a horse

a wild horse where if you get on it while drunk and wearing a good suit it will throw you off into a pond and then just run away laughing, which is not that bad.

It's the human laughter coming out of the horse that is the spookiest thing. To have a horse go past just as a bad thing happens, just sort of going, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Creepy. But that could be the four men and the sheep. I mean, they would be perfectly capable of laughing.

Yeah, like humans. She ties it up quite sadly with, but this I know to be true of my own knowledge, which suggests that a lot of the rest of it is questionable, that when my father was dying, the brag was heard coming up the lawn by a coach and six, like a coach and six, and it stood before the house,

and the room shaked, and it gave a terrible yell when my father died, and then it went plattering and galloping down the lawn as if heaven and earth was coming together. That could have been a

coach with six horses coming up. A coach with six coming past. Yeah. And someone shouted and then it carried on as a gallop.

It is quite easy, cynical, cynical James, to dismiss this as several horses and four men. Several unrelated horses. The same story is told in two other villages in the area. Oh. So it seems that either the Bragg travelled from village to village,

not doing a great deal and then laughing about it. Yeah. Or they were all easily fooled by multiple horses. Well, they all just want to get in on this brag story. Yeah, because obviously that's the big help and deal. They've all spoiled their fancy white suit and need a good excuse for why they spoiled it. What was it?

Oh, brag again. You know, that ghost horse. Do you mean the one that looks like four men holding a white sheet? Yeah. And it threw you in the pond and laughed like a human. But it was definitely a horse. Yes.

That's the thing about it. Because usually in a story like this, you'd expect there to be a bit where it explains how you could tell. But the way you could tell it was the brag. There isn't a way that you can... You just would know it's the brag. Because you see a horse at the same time that something bad happens. Yeah.

It's the brag. Yeah. Or you see someone who's cold by a fire. You know that they've encountered the brag. He's seen the brag. Even though they expressly deny it at every opportunity.

Her husband saw it as a man with no head. A naked man. A naked man with no head is, that is the only one, that is, to be honest,

in the whole list of things that they saw, that's the only thing that is actually sinister and frightening. Yeah. Because a naked man with no head is that is the only one that is to be honest in the whole list of things that they saw that's the only thing that is actually sinister and frightening because a naked man with no head is a frightening sight

the four men in the sheet and she knew someone was going to die that sounds like would they stand underneath a window by a burning building

or something because that's not that's neither a brag nor particularly strong detective work on her part. I think the brag does fall into a category of monstrous animals that plague villages. Right.

And for comparison, there is... I've never heard of such a cheeky horse. Yeah, well, apparently it's often horses, because over in Northamptonshire, they have Old Ball, which was a shagged foal. Oh. If you think a dickass is badass. Well, you see a shagged foal. Oh. If you think a dick-ass is badass. Well, it is a shagged foal, which was...

The devil would appear in the form of an adolescent horse. Right. Doing nothing. Wow. She's spin a tail. She can spin a... That's the advantage of being the oldest person in your town. Yeah.

You're the only person who knows. Yeah, someone's come down to do a book. What was her name? Did she? She would not have her name Oh So she is an old an old lady An old lady

If that's enough for you James An old lady from Pelton I now have to ask you for the scores for the Pelton brag Great My first category for you

is Quantum Horse The idea that you can you can tell how fast this horse is galloping, but you can't tell whether it's a horse or four men and a sheep. Yes. Your observation of the horse can change it to a calf with a rag on its head. Yeah. So she's the woman who knows the most about this Pelton Bragg,

which is a horse, and she opens by describing it as sometimes looking like a cow with a bandana. Are you telling me that isn't frightening? It's a horse, but it looks like a cow in a bandana with nothing to lose. What could be more frightening than that? Or is it more like a Quantum Leap, like the TV show Quantum Leap, where Sam Beckett leaps from... I wasn't going that way, but if it's going to give me more points, yes.

I think it's because it's the idea that the brag is leaping from animal to animal to four men to a naked man with no head. Yeah, like a body-hopping monster. Trying to chuck a man in a white suit in a pond in the in that case what ziggy says that sounds like a high score that is a very high score al is backing us up uh yeah that is i mean the the fluctuating nature of this bogey is uh you've cleverly built that into this um title so I'm going to have to give it a five. Five?

Yes. It's the most quantum horse I've ever heard of. Five for quantum horse. Okay, my next category, supernatural. Ooh. What do you mean, ooh? Well. It's a quantum horse.

Yeah. That's been established. But on paper, it's a number of different animals, including the most dangerous animal, headless naked man. Yeah. I think he's the most dangerous. I feel like once the head's off,

some of the danger dissipates. Yeah, well, it does and it doesn't because you don't know what he's planning. If he's lumbering towards you, I'd be more afraid, I think. You can't tell if his intentions are evil or

benign. As if an endless naked man arrives in town and just helps out. He might do. I don't know. Does the shop for some of the old ladies give him an apron now actually that's the worst thing it would slip right off right uh well super there's nothing supernatural about an old lady listing animals is there you're very cynical they don't even have a cohesive, like,

they haven't got a through line that they're at least all trying to do the same thing. They've got a catchphrase, laughing like a Christian. Laughing for all the world, like a Christian. Like a Christian. Which the only,

I mean, even the sense of humour is not consistent across these beasts. We don't know what they want. They want to throw you in the pond. They want to be there when your dad dies. The only thing is they give up a nickering winnie. A nickering winnie?

A nicker and winnie. Well, that's just lost your points from the naming category when it comes up. What's this category? Supernatural. I have to press you for a number because I feel like the longer this goes on... Two. Are you serious?

Yes, I am serious. Come on. All right, fine. The next category, Unreliable Narrator. Oh, yeah. That's great. I'll just say it in an American way. Unreliable narrator.

Unreliable. I am the least reliable narrator. You're doing it one step beyond narrator to narrator. Nerder. Americans don't pronounce any letters. It's just vowels. Nerder. Nerder.

Nerder. That's Kenneth Williams, I think. Unreliable narrator. Yeah, she is the least reliable. Can you tell me a story about horses? Yes, it was a cow. And also four men. It's very much like

American Psycho if it were an old lady in Pelton. Yes. Why? Because he's an unreliable narrator. Oh, right, yes. And she had to return some videocassettes. Yeah, but her business card is perfect. Imagine trying to get her to tell you anything else this old. Like,

what happened in Corrie last night? Well, EastEnders. So I'm going to press you for a score for Unreliable Narrator. Oh, five. Five, good. Got to be. Good. And finally, now, you have, in contravention of the scoring charter.

Yes. Which I have just invented. Yes. You've already said that you're marking me down for naming but the next category and the final category is naming so explain yourself what is wrong with a knicker and winning i thought it was knickering winnie and that's and that is so much better i prefer it because it's like a knickering winnie so it's a particular type of winnie but now it's two things so you're getting twice the value both a knicker and a winnie yeah but a knickering winnie it's because it it calls to mind knickers

which is a very funny word and a horse somehow with knickers on its face as a kind of like some sort of weird muzzle like wearing a bandana and knickers as a... Yeah. And it's laughing, which you would in that situation. And that was a beautiful picture which has been ruined by finding out it's knicker and Winnie.

All right, but... That's just a list. There are a lot of strong names here. We've got weird words for Lane, like Lonin. Yeah, that's lovely. We've got the pelt brag, a nice, nice good word for

a horse sometimes it's spelt with two g's we've got a dick ass and a dick of Tuesdays

that's hard to beat and we've got we've got general bogey beasts bogey beasts bogey beasts

bogey beasts yeah the coolest disco beasts of the 19th century yeah so it's not gonna knock it's gonna still be a four boogie beast. Yeah, the coolest disco beasts of the 19th century. Yeah, so it's not going to knock,

it's going to still be a four, which is a very respectable score. But the woman hasn't got a name, has she? She's got no name. Are you telling me that if we use... They probably

didn't even ask her about the brag. They asked her what her name was and then she told this story because she... You've got the unreliable narrator score.

What's the score? Four. Four. Yubbin' and Yerth. Oh, Yubbin' and Yerth. Yeah. Yubbin' and Yerth. That's lovely.

Are you considering upping the four? No, I'm just... I'm just colour... I'm just drawing over it again and colouring it in a little bit. Put a little circle around it. Just underlying it. Just on the right.

Now, I don't know about you, but that story has changed the way that I look at headless naked men. So what's next? All will become clear. I'm just going to go for it this one. Go for it. Long Compton. Have you heard of Long Compton?

I think you may have mentioned it in a previous podcast. I love Long Compton, so I will have. Better than Short Compton, am I right? Oh, definitely. Or Little Compton, which is the actual... So there's Long Compton and Little Compton. There's Long Compton, Little Compton. I think those are the only Comptons. And then Medium Compton, which is the actual... So there's Long Compton and Little Compton. There's Long Compton, Little Compton. I think those are the only Comptons. And then Medium Compton, which was just right.

Yeah. It's the town that we most enjoyed driving out of whilst listening to hip-hop because we could say that we come straight out of Long Compton. Yeah. We had fun listening to hip-hop in the cotswolds. Yeah, Long Compton. First, this is just going to be a little tour around the village.

There's a number of things to do with Long Compton. The church, for example, is a very old church, which St. Augustine is supposed to have visited in 604. Now, I googled St. Augustine to try and get a bit of a vibe about them. And I came up with St. Augustine of Hippo, who was the Bishop of Hippo, which is a place in Algeria. But they died in AD 430. I like the way you're not gendering St. Augustine. I think it was a man, though.

I'm pretty certain it was a man. Yeah. But I think it's very modern of you to have used the they pronoun. Yeah. Well, I think it's more indicative of my slapdash research. I don't want to get caught out. To go to the extent of not having any idea. So it's not St. Augustine of Hippo?

No, annoyingly, because then I'd be winning names right out of the bag. St. Augustine of Hippo, who's the patron saint of brewers, printers, theologians, and Bridgeport, Connecticut. Yeah, that, no, it's not that St. Augustine. I mean, it's amazing to think that when he was a small boy in Hippo, he had no idea he would one day be the patron saint of Bridgeport, Connecticut. Yeah, from 354 to 430. Now... Is that years or time of day?

That's the thing I noticed doing this research, is you have to put AD at the start, otherwise it sounds like you're talking about time. Oh, yeah. So, St. Augustine. So, that is not the right St. Augustine. The right St. Augustine was from Italy, and he is St. Augustine of Canterbury

because he became the first Archbishop of Canterbury. And he died in 604. He also visited Longcompton in 604. These events are unrelated. Very quick to exculpate Longcompton from any involvement in his death. A kind of an anti-spoiler warning. He doesn't die in this story. Okay.

Now, he visited the church in Longcompton where the priest complained to him about a lord who wasn't paying his tithes. And the priest had threatened the lord with excommunication. The lord didn't give a flying fig. Which was the tithe at the time. One flying fig. Literally, yes. give a flying fig which which was the tithe at the time one flying literally yes because he threw

10 nine other ones on his uh on his own back so he was through him next communication did not care so saint augustine called the lord to the church and threatened him again still no figs. And so St. Augustine said, right, I'm going to do mass. Do I need to say that I'm paraphrasing? Can we just take it as writ? If I'm quoting someone from the past, unless I speak in a very forced manner, I'm giving you the gist. I understand that, right, I'm going to say mass. It's probably a summary of the words that were actually said yeah so he said so in essence he said i'm gonna say mass let those now this is the real quote you can tell because i do i do that

sort of voice let those who are excommunicate leave the church now that's the direct quote so the lord left the church as he's going through graveyard, a grave lifts up and a ghost emerges and begins to walk out of the churchyard. So Gustine was like, again paraphrasing, what? And commanded the ghost to tell him what the F word is going on here. What the fig? Yes. What the fig is happening in this graveyard. What the flying fig

are you doing ghost? And the ghost said he was of a Briton who'd been excommunicated for not paying his tithes to the Saxon priest and he was now burning in hell. And St Augustine has said

all those excommunicate get out and he's fair play. So the ghost just assumed that he was the one being addressed. Yeah. And got up and left. He said all those.

St. Augustine asked him to point to the grave of the Saxon priest who had excommunicated him. He did. St. Augustine raised this guy from the dead and said, could you pardon this Briton? And so he did, and they both crumbled to dust. And from then on on the Lord paid his tithes

I should think so I mean that does sound like an elaborately staged hoax oh it sounds to me like

you're going straight in for Scooby-Doo level conspiracy theory I don't think I don't think that someone pretending to be a

ghost is a conspiracy compared to ghosts exist. And you can have conversations with them if you're St. Augustine. Yeah, maybe even St. Augustine was the... Like, it was just the priest wanted the money. So he was like, right, you... I know you from the cafe where me and my mates always hang out.

I know you're an out-of-work actor who's now the waiter. I need you to pretend to be St. Augustine. He's a man. For Mr. Belding, aka the Lord of the Manor. I'm talking about the plot of Saved by the Bells. Okay, good. And then we'll get a couple of other mates, put a bit of sheets on, a bit of dust on their face. And then there was the other time when the Pope in fits. When the Pope went away and St Augustine threw a party for all of his friends. But they actually made a real mess of the Vatican and they couldn't clear it up in time. Yeah. They all learned a lesson.

So, yeah, that's, boom, that's just the church of Longmont. Just the church has all that. And anyway... Two ghosts. Two ghosts. A casual raising from the dead as well. Yeah. I like the way he just sort of says,

where was he, by the way? That's from the dead. All right, what's going on here? You two got problems? You sort it out. Yeah, there we go. Like a psychic Jerry Springer, beyond the grave,

just trying to sort everything out. I'm glad you chose Jerry Springer rather than Jeremy Coyle. I suppose it is more like Jeremy Coyle, isn't it? I suppose they wouldn't be able to do the scam because there would have been more DNA tests involved to check that he actually was a Briton. Right, so anyone who knows about Longcompton is going, James Shakespeare, again, I'm paraphrasing,

is going, James Shakespeare, why haven't you mentioned the witches? Because Longcompton is famous for witches. If you've heard of Longcompton, you've heard of witches. There's an old saying, not Parabasic, which goes, there are enough witches in Longcompton to draw a wagon load of hay up Longcompton Hill. That's the end of the saying.

It's not great, is it? It really catches saying. I remember, yeah, any situation that applies to you, you can just use it whenever you feel like. How are the witches, are they being yoked and pulling it? Is that how they can carry a wagon load of hay? How heavy is a wagon load of hay? I've got a load of problems with that well-known phrase.

One, it's not well-known. Two, it doesn't scan very well. Three, a wagon load of hay is not the heaviest thing. A wagon load of stones. It sounds to me like there were quite a few witches, but not enough for a sufficiently exaggerated saying.

Yeah, they didn't want to go nuts. You know, people arriving expecting it to be thronged with witches. You say that. I've got the story of a bunch of witches. Okay, how many? I don't know whether to spoil it. All right, tell me the story then.

It's between 15 and 19 I'm spoiling it that's more than I was expecting yeah okay one Mrs H she was an old woman who was dying

but was so bewitched the nature of her bewitching was that she couldn't die with anyone present which actually is quite a it's quite a harsh little bewitching anyway she was very really ill she was dying but she couldn't die with anyone present, which actually is quite a harsh little bewitching. Anyway, she was really ill. She was dying, but she couldn't die with anyone there.

So her family left the room, and they heard a terrible noise, and they went back in, and drawers were tipped out. Her stuff was everywhere, and a big black pigeon flew out the room, and the old woman was dead. The big black pigeon, it was said, was her evil soul. Right, leaving the room. Yeah. I'm thinking murderer.

There was Mrs F, who could turn into any kind of animal. Now this is from Westwood and Simpson. She could turn into any kind of animal, bracket, mouse, cat or rabbit. That's the main three. That's all the animals. Do an ocelot, people would cry. It's a kind of animal, bracket, mouse, cat or rabbit. That's the main three. That's all the animals.

Do an ocelot, people would cry. It's a kind of cat, not a cat. That was cat. Well, caveat on that. She could turn into any kind of animal as long as it was white. Mrs. F. She got issues. Mrs. Fig to give her her full name.

Yeah. Mrs. H. Witch three. She put a spell on a schoolmaster, and he could only break it by burning his nail clippings. The nature of the spell is lost. Well, traditionally you work magic on people. You need a little bit of the person.

So that's why people have always been very careful of their hair clippings and nail clippings because if a witch were to get a hold of them, they would be able to do magic against you. But it's unusual to break the spell by burning future nail clippings. It sounds more like a preemptive defensive measure than the breaking of a spell. But hey, who am I to contradict the...

I want to use the word evidence. I mean, the author of the book that I got this from would love you to. Who am I to contradict the cold, hard facts of the case? Nail clippings are made from the same things as hair, aren't they?

It's keratin. I've never burned mine, but I've burned hair inadvertently. It stinks. That's like an espresso of hair, isn't it? It's like distilled hair. I believe that's the perfect way of describing it. A hair espresso. So that must really reek.

Have you ever burned a nail clipping? I've never burned a nail clipping. Not yet. And that's where you are. But which to this day... I'm able to break the spell. Witch 4. Murder!

Exclamation mark. And this was in 1875 in Long Compton. That's insanely late for a witch murder. That's almost within living memory. Yeah. So in 1875, James Hayward killed the 80-year-old Anne Turner. This is going to get grim. He impaled her to the ground with a pitchfork through the neck

and slashed a cross in her throat. Now, he said he wasn't trying to kill her. He was just trying to draw blood above the breath, which is a way that you can apparently take power from a witch. I mean, for a man not trying to kill someone, he's taken it a bit far with the pitchfork impaling. It's got a tang of crazy serial killer to me about it.

Incidentally, sidebar, in 1945 on Mion Hill, which is nearish by, there was a similar killing. And they never found the moiderer. But they did, well, James Hayward confessed to this crime. He said he wasn't trying to kill her, just trying to take her power away

because he thought she'd bewitched him, given him terrible stomach cramps, so much so that he couldn't work. He said that she'd made cattle and livestock ill in the village, and also that the water was full of witches. I think we're getting more of a picture of James Hayward's mental state. One of his bits of evidence against Anne Turner for being a witch was that she kept toads.

He said there were 16 witches in Long Compton, and, quote, if I had my way, I would kill them all. Unsurprisingly, at trial... How did that fly with the jury? He was considered insane. During the trial, he asked that Antonia's body be weighed against the church Bible, which is a classic witch test.

So, yeah, he was... At trial, he asked that they get out the giant scales they have for these kind of things. Yeah. So, he was considered insane, so he wasn't hanged, but he was jailed. But he still thought he was bewitched, and he died a few months later because he couldn't eat properly. But the ghost of a hideous crone has been seen on several occasions around Long Compton with grey matted hair and grotty black clothes.

And that's believed to be Anne Turner's ghost. Well, you'd be pretty angry, wouldn't you? Getting pitchforked. But if you're a witch... So you think it's an occupational hazard for a witch? Yeah, surely. If you're going to practice the dark arts, you're going to dance with Satan.

You've taken a very harsh line. I always imagined the witches were sort of mainly just people making potions and healing things and mostly mostly not

kissing the devil's asshole well at least one of these witches was a confirmed racist so oh well that makes me feel an awful lot better

yeah impeller I mean that said I don't know a great deal about the village of Long Compton but did that know a great deal about the village of Long Compton but did that separate her to a great extent

from the inhabitants yeah inhabitants therein good point how was she a racist I don't remember there was the witch that she would only

turn into well she could turn into any kind of animal as long as it was white very much the Henry Ford of the witch world you could have

any car as long as you're not a Jew. Oh, another little sidebar. Phantom Coach. They've got a Phantom Coach as well. Of course they have. It's a Phantom Coach pulled by four horses.

The driver, all the horses, they're all headless. And it's seen hurtling down Harrow Hill at dusk in winter, usually after a thunderstorm. Numerous caveats afterwards. Yeah, in very specific circumstances. Yeah.

But headless horses. That would be quite a thing to see. It would be terribly unbalanced. It would be like a running couch, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's a very good image. With long legs. A running couch. You can imagine a couch with long legs.

Yeah. Having a run so my question is how much does a cartload of hay weigh and how many people would it take to pull it because I would have thought

the 17 or 18 witches that have been referred to yeah could easily 17 people could easily pull a hay weighing up a hill

yeah I mean that's not counting all the witches in the water yeah but I guess I thought I was, that's not counting all the witches in the water. Yeah. But I guess they're small. I thought I was. I thought that's where there were 15 in the water.

I don't know. I imagine they're tiny little witches. Very small. That's dust, mate. They're sea monkeys. It is a steep hill. That puts it in some context. Because that's the trouble.

You need to know an awful lot about long comps to understand that common saying. Okay, so scoring. Yes, we're in the scoring round. Here are the categories of which I would like to get scores from, please. First up, bad fabulist. And what do you mean by... I like the way you've pronounced fabulist. Fabulist.

What do you mean by bad fabulous? Well, I'm reliably informed by you that a fabulist is someone who makes fables. Yeah, or tells stories. Or tells stories with a moral, that are intended to provide a moral lesson. Yes, like Aesop. Now, this is referring to the St. Augustine in the church story. That's not a lesson. He got away with it. The guy that had been excommunicated had done the same thing that the Lord had done.

So he's letting him know that if you don't pay your tithes, eventually someone will just let you off. Technically, the Briton did spend some time in hell. So maybe that... And also, if it's like council tax, he will now have to pay in arrears without any being dead.

He has no way of earning all the money he owes. The tithe, yeah. Yeah, presumably he still owes the tithes. Do you still have to pay tithes when you're in heaven? Is that like rent? Because I heard Jesus said his father's house has many rooms, but he didn't mention what the rates were. That's absolutely true. I mean, is there compound interest on

unpaid tithes? I don't know. I just smiled and nodded whenever they passed the tray round. Is that a tithe? That's when you're going to put your money in. There is a box for tithes and offerings, which is a lovely name for, I think, my second album.

So I've tried to game the system by calling him a bad fabulist. Well, he is. Calling attention to a plot hole. If you'd said brilliant moral lesson, I would have been going here's a two. As it is, I'm going to say it's, because being in hell

for a hundred years would be quite bad, I'm going to say it's a four. But you're right. There is some punishment. There are some serious logical holes. A classic Shake Shelf side note, in one of the versions of the story, St. Augustine actually offered for the priest

to continue to be alive, but he refused. So that might be a little sort of teaching the lesson that heaven's really great well that's good, you shouldn't really I'm going to have to knock it down to three now because that makes a good point I'm sorry fine, I don't make the rules

ok, naming well I have to say I like the characters who are just identified by their initials because it creates a sense of murder mystery to me

you know Mrs F Mr H okay so we've got Mrs H Mrs F and another Mrs H that might be a typo

then we've got boring old James Hayward and standardly named Anne Turner St Augustine was very nearly St. Augustine of Hippo. I like the way you just showed him as being nearly St. Augustine of Hippo. I don't think that's exactly correct.

Well, if I hadn't fact-checked that properly... We would have had a whole Hippo-related sidebar. Oh, there would have been so much. I would have really got into the fact that he's the patron saint of printers and I would have done probably an un fact that he's the patron saint of printers and I would have done probably an unhilarious misunderstanding about dot matrix

he's who you pray to when it won't log on to your wifi and you can't print the colour cartridge is dead but you just need to print black and white Saint Augustine of Hippo why have you forsaken me so no points

for that I think it's another three I'm afraid James it would have easily been four if you could have squeezed a hippo in there but I'm afraid you didn't another classic perennial supernatural

that's strong. Because you've got Waterfall of Witches, Several Witches, and two Raisings from the Dead. That's a five. Two actual ghosts. I mean, you do sort of cheat by telling three stories, but still, it's a five for Long Compton.

Yeah, it's Long Compton as a concept. Yes. It's more than acompton as a concept. Yes. It's more than a village. Five all the way through. Definitely. Solid five for Supernatural. It's officially entered into the ledger. We didn't even get onto the headless coach.

Well, everyone's got their ten of penny in the Cotswolds. Yeah, they are. There's some that are flaming. Some of them have got a headless. They just... Some of them are imaginary. Looking at you, Papa Bayliss You have been listening to Lawmen The Lawmen are Alistair Beckett-King

and James Shakeshaft If you enjoyed Lawmen, please rate and subscribe in all the usual places If you didn listening to Lawmen. The Lawmen are Alistair Beckett King and James Shakespeare. If you enjoyed Lawmen, please rate and subscribe in all the usual places. If you didn't enjoy Lawmen, we'll set up a reek-knicker-and-whinny.