Loremen Podcast - S2 Ep1: Loremen S2 Ep1 - Yuriko Kotani - Jinmenken and Twelve Parsons

Episode Date: December 20, 2018

In Series 2 of Loremen, James and Alasdair shudder at the phantom jinmenken and witness the ministrations of TOO MANY parsons. This episode also features a Deputy Lorewoman, in the form of award-winning comedian Yuriko Kotani. The Loremen ride again! @loremenpod instagram.com/loremenpod/ www.loremenpodcast.com/about www.facebook.com/LoremenPod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK | @yurikocomedy PS The Family Ness Episode 1 PPS Proof That Is / Isn't A Great Andy Parsons Impression

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King, the last man still sane in a world gone mad. And I'm James Shakeshaft, the last man still in a Tesco Metro after closing. In each episode, we'll unearth pieces of forgotten folklore and hold them up to the searing light of our arbitrary scoring system. This is Series 2 of Lawmen. In this series, we'll be joined by deputy lawmen and women to bring you tales from the British Isles and beyond.

This story is a personal favourite. We have a guest law person, and it features a lot of things that I like, including man's best friend. I like friends. Right. Oh, I'll just put this caveat in there now. We are recording in new premises for Lorman for the first

time. Unfortunately, those premises seem to be next to a band who are recording their own thing, which is music, and that might come through at some point, which has made me very angry. I felt bad for them because they're going to have hilarious

thoughts and witty remarks in the background of their recording. Oh, yes. Disturb the rhythm. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And also, we've got a deputy law person, lawwoman.

It's very important to introduce our honorary deputy lawwoman, Erika Katani. Hello, everyone. Is that the speed you normally speak, just for the listeners at home? Is that how you normally say hello everyone? I would say hiya. That's more like it. No, just be natural. You can be natural here as a law person. Lawman. Lawwoman.

I'm a lawwoman. Now, also another thing about you is as well as being a woman, you're also from Japan. That's correct. I'm aware this is coming out both sexist and racist, but I am just stating facts that are unarguable facts. It's the expression on your face, really.

And the fact that you're shaking your head whilst you're saying it that I think is making it seem a little negative. Well, I apologise to you for being... I was going to say I apologise for being Japanese. I don't want to apologise... Me too. Me too. So do I.

James, do you want to say anything? I'm going to keep out of this whole Japan demonium. You have a story to present to us today. Oh, yes. So today I prepared the one story about the Japanese urban legend. Yes. And in Japan, we have so many yokais.

And yokais are like monsters. Yokai. Yokai, yes. And we got so many of them, and I couldn't choose. But then, because it's the dog year, isn't it?

Yes. I'm going to say yes, although I don't... Yes, it's the dog year. We did say no topical. This could come out in four or five years' time, and then it won't be the dog year anymore. Oh, okay. But it has been the dog year at some point. Yes, it could be dog year this year, so I'm...

One in twelve, Charles. It does take a long time to edit these. Give us a break, Yuriko. Stop dropping us in about what year it is. Did my phone just make a noise? It did. Yes.

We still have phones, guys. Spoiler. Spoiler alert. We still have phones. I think I just got a telegram. Excuse me a moment while my butler brings me a phone on a salver.

So, Yuriko. Yes. Yes. So I don't think this story is a yokai story, but I thought it's quite interesting. So, it's about the jimmenken, which means human-faced dog. Oh, wow.

Now, I saw this name in the email, and I imagined a human with a dog's face. No, it's opposite. I've got it completely wrong. Yes, completely opposite. So you know the dogs. I've seen dogs. Stop showing off, James.

Just because you're a cat. And then they got, you know, human face on it. Yeah, you know. I feel like you're trying to describe a dog we know. You know that dog? You know that dog, but it's got a human face on it. I see a lot of dogs, so can you be more specific?

Because people tend to start to look like their pets, don't they? So is this a dog that had a human as a pet? It's the urban story, so I don't they? So was this a dog that had a human as a pet? So it's the urban story. So I don't know where people saw this dog, but let me share with you. So apparently this dog had seen in a dark night in Japan that someone was walking down the street. And you know, like, you have that rubbish bins corner.

And then this person saw a dog and then the dog was just, you know, how do you say, scuffing around. Snuffling? Snuffling's a bit too cute for what is a... It would have seemed cute until... Okay, so at this point... I'm guessing a reveal. Snuffling. Snuffling's a bit too cute for what is a... It would have seemed cute until... Okay, so at this point... I'm guessing a reveal.

Snuffling. Snuffling around. And then the dog turned back and the dog was with human face. Wow. I mean, I sort of knew it was coming, but I still enjoyed it. How?

No twist. Yes, it's straightforward. The dog was a human face. And then the person thought, oh. Obviously. Yeah. And then. Just for the benefit of the tape, you pulled a scared face for what the person thought.

You're doing it again, but we can't. Oh, oh, oh. Can you give us a sound that represents that? What? Perfect, I think. And then, the dog said... Whoa, whoa, twist. Yes. Instead of dog say, one, one.

That's what Japanese dogs say. I have some knowledge of this. Yes. One, one. One, one. That's the dog say. I have some knowledge of this. Yes. Wanwan. Wanwan. That's the dog say. That's the version of woof woof.

That's what Japanese dogs say, wanwan. Yes. Japanese cats say. Nya nya. And Japanese horses say. Hee hee. Thank you. Why are they so smug, Japanese horses?

What do they know? I think British horses are pretty smug. They're very derisive. Or just naysayers. Should we just end the podcast there? We're not going to beat naysayers, I think. I think we can. So the first, the dog said... The dog said,

which means, leave me alone. With a deep male voice. Then he walked off. He didn't even run away. He walked off. I think, I don't know. I just, I didn't.

Yeah. Just for the record, you're allowed. No one cares if you lie. You can lie all you want. Okay, so I'll just stop. Yeah, so walked off. On four legs. Yes. So there was some cross-examination there too. And then, so this one was a famous story that the dog has been witnessed.

But there are more stories that for example this dog can run super fast so if you are driving highway at night and then when this dog runs faster than your car

you might get car accident if he runs past you I'm just aware that as you're speaking there as if this were a David Lynch film you might get a car accident. If he runs past you? Yeah. Sorry, I'm just aware that as you're speaking there, as if this were a David Lynch film, the drums are just starting to make us all scared in the background. The music has really synced up really well with your story.

Oh, thank you so much for preparation. It's incredibly expensive. That has blown the budget, this one recording. So, I had a question, but I'm a bit sleepy, so I forgot what it was. I have some questions. Yes. Sorry, I remembered my question. You remembered your question.

I wanted to know when this happened. Is this ages ago? As you said, urban legend, so is this quite recent? It happened in the 1980s or 1990s. In the 90s? So this is sort of Dawson's Creek, Friends, Dog with a Human Face era. You're looking

at me as if Dawson's Creek wasn't as big in Japan as I assumed it was. Could be. I had some questions. Is there more to tell? So people see them... So one goes by a bin and then running down the road, down the highway. Yes. You might get a car accident.

That's a scary bit. So does the dog cause the car accident? No, just... It just predicts the car accident. No, it just happens. That's what people heard. I think if you were driving and you saw a dog running faster than your car, you'd be on a motorway.

What's the speed limit in Japan? Oh, I forgot. Fast. 70 miles an hour? What we'll do is if we just record all the numbers, we'll edit in the correct one afterwards. So just 10, 20, 30, 40, 50. Is it kilometers or miles in Japan? I can't remember. They're kilometers, yes. So maybe 110? 20, 30, 40, 50. Is it kilometres or miles in Japan? They're kilometres.

So maybe 110? We'll say that. 110 kilometres an hour. Maybe, yes. And you see a dog running faster than that speed, overtaking you, and it looks over its shoulder, and there's a person's face looking at you, and it probably mouths

something. It's all gone, leave me alone, in a human man's voice Leave me alone! But you wouldn't hear that because of the wind You'd lip read it though Leave me alone! And lip reading that, that would be distracting enough to cause an accident That's it, that's one of the reasons

isn't it? That's the most likely outcome The psychologically scared and panic. I'm not going to see anything better than this in my life. Yeah, swerve into an oncoming vehicle. Yeah. Yes.

And also, there's one more thing. And this is, so I heard that, so this was not written anywhere, but this is what I heard. So this was not written anywhere, but this is what I heard. So the human-faced dogs do green poo. I was a kid and I heard it and I thought, oh my, what is it? Did you ever see any green poo? I think so, but I think it's a burrito. Was it of the amount usually produced by a dog?

I have no idea. Have you ever seen green poo on the street? Well, funny story, horrible story. I was very ill once, and I had terrible stomach pains. I took lots of Rennies, and that was over a weekend. And on the Sunday night of that weekend, I did a white poo. A white poo? A white poo? A white poo. If you had said green, I would have been worried

that you were turning into a dog with a human face. You were like a were-dog with a human face. Do you remember, did you have this in Japan? Because in the 90s, say Dawson's Creek era. Don't. Don't say Dawson's Creek era. It doesn't go down well.

In the 90s, dog poo, white dog poo on the streets was everywhere and now it doesn't exist anymore. It's gone. Did you get white dog poo in Japan in the 90s? No way. I'm pretty sure they pick up their dog poo in Japan, right? So then who's picking up the green dog poo?

The dog itself, presumably. The human part of it. But he's only got a human face. He hasn't got human hands. He'd have to use his human face. He'd have to ask someone. Yeah. Oi, mate.

Mate, you got a bag? Could I bother you for a second? Excuse me. That's a second dog saying, is this dog bothering you? Leave that man alone. He's busy. So there's more than one human face dog.

That's the impression, right? It's not just one human face dog that's snuffling around bins and causing car accidents. There's potentially more than one. I think so. Is it a race or is it like a spirit? So some people say it could be the spirit, so that only the people who can see the spirit can see them. However, someone said it's due to a

biotechnology experiment. Yeah. That classic experiment. We all like dogs, don't we? But do you know what I hear about them? Their faces. On the other hand, human faces.

Do they all have the same human's face? When I see the drawings it will look similar. Same human? Could be. So then it sort of makes it sound more like an experiment

as well. Yeah, like they were just like this guy was like, I'm going to... This guy was like, I'm going to need a bunch of spare faces. And like they grew an ear on a mouse's butt because that was the best way to do it. It'd be like the best way to keep a face alive is on a dog.

So I'm going to... They've got out again. Oh no. Oh no. Went to the bins. It really saddens me that they just want to be left alone

that's the thing that my mind keeps coming back to leave me alone leave me alone it's like it's not even trying to haunt you

if he's a spirit he's the opposite of a haunting he's like just leave me alone please stop staring at my human face

I'm licking trying to lick my balls. Because that's the thing. That's the thing what dogs do. A lot of the things they do, apart from cocking their leg, they do with their head and face, like nuzzling people's crotches, the ability to lick their own balls, eating dog poo and stuff. You know, I've got another horrible story. Do you want to hear another horrible story?

This happened in Edinburgh last year or a different year, depending on when this gets released. The worst thing that's ever happened to me happened. There was a smelly dog in the flat I was staying in and one day it came in and while I was eating my

lunch, it threw up onto the kitchen floor a half digested bag of dog poo. And I just took my lunch and went into a different room, finished that lunch, and then just left the flat. Yeah, it was the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Well, he was just like, leave me alone. That's what I like about it. I was the human face. One time or another, we've all been a dog with a human face. But I can't believe you ate your lunch after you've seen that. I think I would have been sick. It was the nature of the lunch was something like an omelette or something. It's like you didn't want to let it get cold.

It wasn't just like a cold sandwich and it'd be like, okay, I can come back to this. But it was like, I've seen that. This is going to get a lot worse. So I should eat this because I'm not going to want to eat this after I've dealt with that. I don't think you have to justify yourself, James, for the choice you made in that moment.

I don't know, man. And if that had had a human face that I'd do it. Yuck. Just be like, Clive! What? Leave me alone. Don't look at me.

What a tense Edinburgh flat that is. I mean, they're all like that, but there isn't always a dog with a human face in it. But there's always a lot of tension. And everyone's going to his show as well. He's packed out every night because he's a dog with a human face. He's got bloody short legs, you know.

Really stretched out. Ate half a bag of dog food. Don't look at me, Steve Bennett. That's right, because apparently this human-faced dog story has been told since, like, 18... Something like that, 18...

18 in the past. You can pause, or you can just say it with confidence, and whatever it is, we won't correct you. Yeah, it doesn't matter about you. Just say, yeah, no one cares. Yeah, it's a long time ago. Or not, depending on when we release it. Oh, no, wait a minute.

We haven't got a time machine. I think 1810. Yeah, so I think the story, we got a folktale story. And then, so one household had puppies in, like, yeah, 1810. And then one of the household had the puppies in like 1810. And then one of the puppy had the human face dog. Only one of them?

Yes. Then it became well known. And then the dog became like, yeah, the showcase. Oh, right, famous. Yeah. So that was the beginning of that's the first recording of it is that apparently in real

life there was a real dog born with a human face that was a famous... Went into theatre. Show this. So we knew this human-faced dog stories. Yeah, but then in the 1980s and 90s, the boom came back again. Sort of like with hula hoops.

Yes. Sorry. Yes, it's delicious. I meant the wiggle it and doesn't matter. Oh, I thought I meant the wiggly... It doesn't matter. Forget it. Oh, I thought you meant the snacks. No, not the snacks.

The snacks are always popular and delicious. So every 20 years, it's always like musicals in cinema. Every 200 years, human-faced dogs are all over the papers. Incidentally, if anyone from Hula Hoops is listening to our mainly dog poo based podcast we are available for sponsors

Yes So the score section No that's a really weird way of saying it Now the scores That was a weird way of saying it It comes out either like a wizard or like a sportscaster The scores To the scoring

Now we move over to the scores Look away now if you don't want to know the results Scores The scores. To the scoring. And now we move over to the scores. And now, look away now if you don't want to know the results. Scores. So what is your first category, Eureka? The first one is naming. Naming. Okay.

So what's it called? They're jim man ken. Jim men ken. Jim men ken. Jim men ken. Jim. Men. Jim Menken. Jim Menken. Jim Menken. Jim means human. Men means like face or mask or surface.

And let me stop you there. What does Ken mean? Dog. Right. Thank you. Ah. So it means human face dog. Yes. Well, I mean, it's a sensible you. Ah. So it's Jimmy's man from Fume and Face Dog. Yes.

Well, I mean, it's a sensible name. Yeah. But it makes me think of loads of guys called Ken in a gym. I'm picturing the gym man Ken. Like an awful superhero. He has to explain who he is every time. Gym man Ken. Oh, right.

Yeah, I remember. You were around here last week. I told you you couldn't come back. You stink. So Jim Man Ken. It's a good name because it sounds funny, but also it means dog with a human face. And that also sounds funny.

And that is in itself a really good name. What are the names? It's not lots of names. Do we know the name of any of the particular... Do we know the dog who was snuffling at the bins? Do we know his name? Did he have a particular name? No.

What about the guy who crashed his car? Do we have a name for that guy? Any of the people that crashed their cars? No. The famous human-faced dog from 1810. Did he have a name? Puppy. The dog's name was Puppy?

No. We knew you were lying. We both knew. He wouldn't need a name, really, if he was the human-faced dog. You'd call him Jim Mankin, really, wouldn't you? Yeah.

Jim Mankin. The original and best. Jim Mankin, because there's only one of them. There was the reverse in America. There was Jim Jim the Dogface Boy in America, who's kind of the reverse of that. Visually, that would look like one of those face swap apps. Yes.

And I was wondering if that's what happened in the first place, in one of these labs. They were trying to make a face swap app. They were doing a face swap, and the wind changed, and then they were stuck. How many should we give? We got Jim Mankin. Good. Human-faced dogs. I think it's three out of five.

How do you feel about that? Slightly above average. Makes sense. Because, yeah, if you have a story of Jim Mankin and this Jim M Menken needs a name and doesn't have the name. You seem so sad

that I'm going to increase it to four. Oh. Is that? Yes. She did it. She made up a name in there. I'm sorry. This is not even two names.

That's actually just one name. To a bilingual person, that's one name that we've given four points for. What a precedent you're setting. I weakened. She looked really sad. I didn't realise I was being manipulated. Because, for example, if the X-Men has Wolverine.

Wolverine? Yeah. Yeah. Is that his specific name? He's also got another name. His name is Logan. Logan. James Logan, I think.

Oh, yeah, that's true. So even he's got... If you had the superhero... Did you bring that up to back up your case? It's back down to three in my view because of the spurious Wolverine comparison. He has got another name. You tried to think of someone with only one name

and you came up with Wolverine, who has at least two. You could have had Madonna or if you wanted to stay in the animal kingdom, Seal. You tried to think of someone with only one name and you came up with Wolverine, who has at least two. You could have had Madonna, or if you wanted to stay in the animal kingdom, Seal. So it's three points, and don't try and manipulate me in the next category. They're always going to be manipulating the scoring section,

so just be aware and ready for that. Okay, thanks. Supernatural category. Very. Oh, you say that? Okay. Thanks. Supernatural category. Very. Oh, you say that. Oh no. But if it's genetic engineering,

that's science. So if it is a face swap gone wrong, as a lot of reputable scientists presumably think,

app developers, it's not supernatural at all. So it's either a really high score or a really low school. So you need to decide what you think. Because the rumors, we don't know. Is it a biotechnology experiment or supernatural?

I think the fact that it's snuffling around bins implies that it needs sustenance. So therefore, it is a biological thing. But I'm going to weigh in now because I had done some research on this. There is an English version of a human-faced dog. The Gabriel hounds. William Wordsworth referenced them in one of his sonnets. William Wordsworth referenced them in one of his sonnets. For overhead are sweeping Gabriel's hounds, doomed with their impious lord,

the flying heart to chase forever on aerial grounds. Yeah, I don't know either. Poetry, isn't it? I did. It sounded great, but I stopped paying attention. I stopped paying attention as well. Because I didn't realise he mentioned Gabriel's hounds in the first sentence, so I didn't even want to read any more. It sounds like a Because I didn't realise he mentioned Gabriel's hounds in the first sentence, so I didn't even want to read any more.

It sounds like a really good name for a band. Gabriel's hounds. The Gabriel hounds. So, yeah, what it was, basically, in around 1686, there was a mysterious phenomena over all parts of England. People heard this weird barking sound flying overhead, and some people thought they were birds with red eyes. And if you heard them, it meant doom.

An ornithologist said they were a particular type of bean goose. Well, that sounds like he's making it up, to be honest. It's bean geese. I think it was a pie pigeon. For some reason, these flying beasts, most people interpreted them as dogs. I don't know why. And some people in Sheffield said that they had human faces.

Wow. And some called them sky yelpers, gabble ratchets. Gabble ratchets? Gabble ratchets. What they think it was is the Archangel Gabriel being pulled across the sky by a pack of human-faced dogs. And later someone said,

yeah, I think if I know human-faced dogs, they're the souls of unbaptised babies. The last thing you want, though, if you hear a sort of howling sound in the sky, is to look up and have a lot of green poo land on your face. That is the last thing you want. Oh my God. Imagine that.

What's that? I've just washed my cart. Typical, isn't it? Now then, you just wash your chuffing cart, and then there's meant to be a Sheffield accent. I don't know if it's reading. Yeah, yeah. No, not at all.

You know you. No way. No way. Welcome to Sheffield. Bloody ratchet dogs going over. You know you. No way. No way. Welcome to Sheffield. Bloody ratchet dogs going over. That's good. Dropping green poop all over cats. Oh, chuffing it.

But that adds credence to the idea that it's supernatural. Yes. In which case... Internationally supernatural. I'm going to come down on the side of supernatural and say it's five out of five for supernatural. Yes. Yes. These human-faced dogs are not of this world.

Poo the category. Poo the category. Poo, colon, the category. Well, I think it's one of the poo-iest stories I've heard. Yeah. I did both my poo anecdotes. That's all I got. Poo related.

Have you ever talked about poo on this podcast? Oh no, not on this podcast. First time. I think we might have. I think we have. I think we edited it out. It's a little poo heavy. There's no way we can extricate the poo from this one.

So it's staying in. We can't extricate. I was way we can extricate the poo from this one, so it's staying in. We can't extricate... I was going to say extricate the excrement. I think we should call a moratorium on poopons, I think. Poopons. Okay. Poopons. Poopons.

Right. I was tempted to say poopon, poop off. Like a sort of karate kid. Like the karate kid, but it's a mime-based wordplay and it doesn't make any sense. I don't get it. Poo. Yeah, I think.

Green poo. I think there's potential for more poo, so I don't want to go hard with a five. I wouldn't say it was impossible for us to have a pooier story in the future. So I think three. Because it's one poo, but in the future. So I think three. Because it's one poo, but it's very distinct. I think it's four. Really?

What are you going to remember? Were you looking at her face? You're going to remember... We've got a human-faced Yuriko in there. How dare you suggest that me looking at Yuriko's face would have made me think of poo? How dare you suggest that? It's green.

Green. I'm going to remember a human-faced dog, and then it steps aside, and what is behind it? A green poo. That is the lasting image of this story for me. What? It's the stuff eating. Why is it green?

It's just found its stuff in the bins. But do you have green poo? I've only ever been white, as discussed. I've only done two colours of the rainbow oh no babies do green poo the first poo

a baby does is like black tar and then it turns into like a green poo really and then a kind of a mustard someone's just

discovered a third poo anecdote yeah I forgot I have a baby of course I've got poo anecdotes yeah I think I think it's a four James I think you've been Of course I've got poo anecdotes.

I think it's a four, James. I think maybe your baby has inured you to poo, but I'm still shocked by it. Yeah. It's a four. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know why it's not five. Okay, then the last one.

Putting on it. I realise what's happened here is you wrote down a different thing to what we discussed during the bit where we paused the... You've left out probably the linchpin of the story as well, ironically, from that sentence. I don't want to speak for you, but I think the category was supposed to be

putting a face on it. In an attempt to make it more relatable. Yeah. But you actually made it a very unrelatable category by removing the human face. I don't know whether we should be generous and score the category putting a face on it, or whether we should be fair and do the category putting on it. What do you think? Because for putting on it, I'm getting very low scores category putting on it. What do you think? Because for putting on it I'm getting very low scores for

putting on it. I think so, yeah, because I don't know what it means. It's not a sentence. But putting a human face on it, I mean that's maxed. The only way is if the dog had a human face and he said,

leave me alone, he turns around, his bum is also a human face and he said, leave me alone, he turns around, his bum is also a human face, out comes a green poo. I'm just pitching that because I think that's... So you think more than one human face on a dog would make it more relatable? I think if he had a human face and he said, leave me alone, and he turned around

and he had a human bum with a human pair of pants on... round and he had a human bum. With a human pair of pants on. What you want is a human, I think. That's just a human. Yeah, this is a hairy human who doesn't want to be seen rifling through the bins. That's quite relatable as well. If I was rooting through the bins,

I would say, leave me alone a minute. Yeah, yeah. Things have got bad, mate. I like the confidence, though, that you're the one intruding on it. I really thought you were going to say, I like the confidence that you have a human face. No, I just like the sense that, like, if I was

scrabbling around the bins as a sort of monstrous freak, and someone looked at me, I might go, ugh, rather than, oi, what are you looking at? It's his confidence which goes, leave me alone. I do what I want. I think it's five out of five. Yeah, definitely five out of five. Well done. You're okay.

Oh, thank you very much for having me. Sorry, I just... What happened? I disturbed you. You disturbed me? When did you disturb? Just now? I thought you were going to say and then I jumped on. No, no, no. You did it exactly right. Oh, thanks. And this bit here,

terrible. I'm going to have to cut all of this out. But the bit where you said thank you was absolutely... Sorry. Can we do it again? Yeah, let's do it again.

No. I'm going to only use the bit where you did it wrong. Thank you so much for coming on our podcast and being a deputy lawwoman. Oh, thank you very much for having me.

And then let me talk about the Japanese folktale. Thank you very much. Thank you. Oh, and thank you very much to our backing band, the Gabriel Hounds. If you want to catch the Gabriel Hounds, they're going to be gigging all over South London. Just get on their website, www.geocities.

I can't remember the name. It's a make-up from the 90s. Very much a Dawson's Creek era website. Just there. This next tale is of an exorcism

in a country house. This is quite a short tale. It's quite terrifying, I think. It's got, yeah, potential. If you think about it. All right. So have a think. I will.

Okay. I'm thinking now. So this is Longleat House, which is in Wiltshire. Is that the place where the eccentric guy has the safari? Yes. Longleat Safari. Yes. And I think, is it the Marquis of Bath? I think he's made a stone circle as well.

Is it Marquis or Marquis? Ooh. Let's not go down that road. Unfortunately, this involves him. Or one of his previous... It's a hard S. I think it's Marquis. Like the way we say valet with a T.

Some French words that came into English long enough ago, we pronounce in an anglicised way. Like valet and Marquis. A two fingers up to Jean-Luc Frenchman. Or Jean. I was doing phone banking for the Labour Party and I'm going to have to change the surname. Otherwise, I'm just going to say the name of this person

who lives in... Wait a minute. I can't because it's a French name. I can't say it in the podcast. What's phone banking? It's where you phone around saying, are you going to vote for the Labour Party? Oh, right.

And everyone says, no, because you're the immigrants. And you go, all right, thank you very much. And then they talk to you for another 10 minutes. And they had a French surname and you're like, that's a bit critical, mate. Well, this guy was great but we can't include this in the podcast

it was a guy called I thought I was looking for a woman because it didn't have the sex and it said Jean so I thought it was a woman called Jean

you could just say a different French surname I know but I can't think of one Renault but then it's Jean Renault isn't that a famous yeah that's the actor

think of another French surname for me to use Peugeot there isn't a car it's Jean Reno. Isn't that a famous... Yeah, that's the actor. The actor. Think of another French surname for me to use. Peugeot. There isn't a car. It's just... Clio. His anecdote is impossible under these circumstances. So you're looking for Gene Vavavum. Shall I just bail out the anecdote and get back to the story?

So yes, Longleat House, Safari Park. Marquis? Slash Marquis. Shall I Google it? I'll Google it. Well, can't help me Google it. I think a Marquis is a tent. I think you're right.

Thank you. I thought it was a Marquis de Sade because of the song. He was French, though. But he actually was French. Marquis de Sade. Feminine Martianess. Really? Is that how it's pronounced?

Martianess. That's like a female Martian. Yeah. Well, Martianess. Really? Is that how it's pronounced? Martianess. That's like a female Martian. Yeah. Well, Martianess. From the TV show The Family Ness. It should have been a lot better than it was, I always thought, that program. I remember loving it.

I liked the theme tune, but the actual program was a little disappointing. It was one of those cracking shows where it's got completely different theme tunes at the start and the end, as was traditional in the 80s. So it's got a brilliant opening theme tune full of lyrics, and then it has a closing theme tune,

which is a different song completely also about the Loch Ness Monster. We'll put links to this for anyone who is younger or foreigner. Or older. Anybody who isn't exactly mid-30s. Right, so the Marchioness, the female Marquess, the Martianess of Bath was haunted by her dead husband. She was haunted. So the Martianess of Bath was being haunted by the deceased Marquess of Bath.

And she called 12 Parsons to lay his ghost, for some reason, in the Red Sea. Now, laying a ghost, for anyone who doesn't know which is probably no one listening to this is i think you somehow get the ghost and you put it in a bottle i don't know how you do that i guess it's something like the trap in ghostbusters and then you you bury that bottle somewhere and woe betide anyone who uncovers it and uncorks that bottle because that's got a ghost in it but for some reason she wanted this marquis of bath put in a bottle and then put into the red sea i don't know maybe he'd always said that he loved the red sea anyway the 12 parsons came they wrapped her in sheepskin and put her in a cradle and they waited until the ghost appeared at midnight and each person in

turn asked the ghost what troubled him he said he just wanted to touch the hem of his wife's dress and the person was like soz mate she's wrapped in lamb's wool now they say that that's what he said to each and every question i imagine once it got to about parson number eight and they said what troubles him he might have said being asked the same question all the time so what and then after that to to banish the ghost they walked through the house reciting the lord's prayer backwards isn't that satanism well i don't know i think backwards i think you want to be careful with that there's a lot too much ambiguity in that 12 Parsons walking through the house reciting the Lord's Prayer backwards. Did they walk backwards?

Did they say the Lord's Prayer backwards, like as in starting with the word Amen? Or did they do it like the little guy in Twin Peaks? It'd be like... Did they do that? in Twin Peaks and be like Nima River Luna did they do that? or did they

I mean I would put my money on not that there's 12 of them whatever the options are there's 12 of them they would have I hope they got it anyway it worked

it got rid of the ghost so maybe they didn't get it all together and there was just 12 Parsons just freestyling around Longleat house and the ghost was like nah stuff this this is this is more trouble than it's worth to be honest the thing about the wanting to touch the hem of the dress that's a that's a common thing with ghosts apparently i can't remember the reference but there's another story where they just want a hanky from the woman. And the woman gives them the hanky and they rip it to shreds.

And it's like, oh, it's an evil ghost. And basically, if you let it touch the hem, it would have attacked her. Or it was a saucy ghost and it would have whipped that dress off. But she was protected by the Lamb's Wool. So did the ghost end up in the Red Sea? No, he just left. It just says he left. That's extremely disappointing.

Yeah, they didn't put him in a bottle. You can't put Chekhov's bottle in the Red Sea at the start of your story and then not have him end up in the Red Sea at the end. Just 12 Parsons getting more and more annoying until the ghost leaves. That is an outrageously annoying story. Yep, and that's the end. Okay, what's your first category? I'm going to go in hard, supernatural. Supernatural?

Yes, come on. You've got one ghost. We've got a definite ghost. Yeah, you've got a ghost that's been witnessed by 13 people. Well, that's depending on whether or not she could see through the lamb's wool. So that's a lot of witnesses. Who's able to answer questions. Yep.

Who is able to answer questions. Who's able to answer questions. Yep. Why is he able to answer questions? Who's able to answer questions. It's pretty indisputable, but it's not that spooky. But what did he want to touch her... Why did he want to touch her dress, was it? She's his wife. Check the fabric. Is that her velour?

Wearing velour. Yeah, imagine she's wearing... Imagine Martianesses wear velour? Wearing velour. Yeah, imagine she's wearing... Imagine Martianesses wear velour. I'm picturing her now in like a Star Trek uniform. Oh, good. No belt. So when they want to have a wee, they have to take the whole thing off.

It's like a play suit. It started off like that in Star Trek, but I'm sure later on it turned out... I was like, oh, no, it is a jumper and trousers. It's just the same colour. I'm pretty sure at the very beginning it was like a romper. You don't want to think of Jean-Luc Picard. Jean-Luc.

Jean-Luc. Johnny Frenchman having to climb out of his entire clothes just to have a wig. So it's five for supernatural. Yeah. Naming. Naming. I mean, once we got there. Now that we know that it definitely is Martian-esque.

Martian-esque. That's pretty good. Yeah. Long-link. Martian-esque. That's pretty good. Yeah. Longleat is a nice name. Longleat. But we don't have names for any of the 12 Parsons. There are 12 Mystery Parsons, aren't there? I like the phrase Mystery Parsons.

I think it's a three for naming. I think it's failed to distinguish itself. Yeah. Red Sea. Of all the seas as well, the Red Sea is the worst named. It's misnomer. Yeah. Because it's not red. Isn't that like inland as well? It's not where you expect

to find a sea. No. It's the last place you'd look. Exactly. The land. So I think it's a three. Brilliant. Last category, Too Many Parsons. I mean, there's no argument. She didn't even try one parson. No. Or mean, there's no argument. She didn't even try one Parsons. No.

Or three. It's a story which completely lacks the traditional sort of grammatical structure of narrative, where she tries a few ways to get rid of the ghosts, and they don't work. Like the way in Power Rangers, they always try and fight it without using the Megazord, and then eventually have to use a Megazord.

She just went straight for Megazord. Yeah, just I've heard about this before. This guy is quite annoying. I'm going to just wrap myself up in a rug, pop in this cradle, you twelve angry Parsons, sort it out for me.

I'm having a nap. It's five out of five. I can't imagine how a story could have more too many Parsons. Unless maybe it was Andy Parsons. He's the little one who looks like a boiled egg with his shoulders up. I think you could have too many Andy Parsons. I think one is my limit. Twelve? It's in the red for me.

What troubles you? What troubles you? Sorry, she's wrecked in Lamb's Wall. That would be... Can I get a six out of five? It's a strong five. A strong five out of five. Too many Parsons.

Thank you very much. you've been listening to lawmen the lawmen of james shakeshaft and alistair beckett king please subscribe rate review and recommend to a friend you can tweet us at lawmen pod or email us at contact at lawmenpodcast.com to suggest stories from your area. You can also tweet us at lawmenpod or email us Sorry, my phone went blablaboo

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