Loremen Podcast - S2 Ep11: Loremen S2 Ep11 - The Cheshire Prophet and Hayfield Mermaids

Episode Date: February 28, 2019

Two extraordinary tales from North West England. An ill-fated prophet predicts the wholesale destruction of Northwich. Meanwhile, a lost story from Series 1 re-emerges from the depths to drag you under (because it is about mermaids). @loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK  

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alastair Beckett-King. I am the one and only, nobody I'd rather be. And I'm James Shakeshaft. I'm a man, not a boy, which is Chesney Hawke's other song. I'm James Shakeshaft. I'm a man, not a boy, which is Chesney Hawke's other song. And now the story of an unprofitable prophet from Cheshire. For this story, I looked over to the west, the northwest coast of England, because my dad's from Manchester. I thought I'd find a Manchester story, but looked over to the west, the northwest coast of England, because my dad's from Manchester. I thought I'd find a Manchester story, but there aren't really any, because Manchester wasn't there in the past.

It just sprung into being fairly recently with all the textile mills and all the sort of, all right, yeah, Manfred kind of vibe. Manchester. Yes, as I believe it was known when it was created, when this town was founded in the mid-90s. So the best I could do was find a story from Cheshire, which we'll have to do. Yeah, lovely. It's the story of Robert Nixon, the Cheshire prophet. My main source for this is the wonderful prophecies of Robert Nixon,

which was printed about 1822. Self-published? No, because it was long dead by then. There's a few, basically a few Victorian pamphlets were printed in which his place and date of birth vary wildly. So we don't know exactly when he lived. But according to this one, he was born in 1467, which is quite a long time ago. Yes, I can verify that. Thanks for checking, James.

So the important thing to know about Robert Nixon is that he was an idiot. And that's how he's described in the books, the pamphlets, I should say. The thing is, I mean, it's obvious now in the present that he's probably someone with serious learning difficulties. However, what you have to remember is that in the 15th century, that was hilarious, and therefore it was fine to make fun of him for it, as everybody did. So the wonderful prophecies of Robert Nixon describes him as, and I really like this phrase, being remarkable for a stupidity and an invincible ignorance. I really like the phrase invincible ignorance,

because it's almost complimentary, but it is like you could not teach this guy anything. Apparently he had an annoying voice. The pictures show him as being sort of fat and drooling. They've drawn the drool in the picture and having big googly eyes. But he was a prophet. What was his first prophecy? It was ox-based.

Good question, James. It was an ox-based prophecy. Of course it is. He was poking an ox which I understand is part of the general ox business you have to do, but he poked it too hard. He properly gouged the ox and whoever was in charge came over and said, too hard. He properly gouged the ox and whoever was in charge came over and said, you invincibly ignorant fool, stop poking the ox that hard. And he said, well, in three days time, you won't even have this ox. And what happened was in three

days time, the Lord of the Manor came down and he claimed that ox and took it away. And everyone went, oh, that's just like what Robert Nixon said was going to happen. That's strange. He went on to make a series of bizarre but very parochial provincial predictions about things that would happen in that exact area of Cheshire. So he got into a barney with the abbot of Vale Royal and said, in an angry tone of voice, when you the harrow come on high, soon a raven's nest will be. And the abbot was like, you bloody what, mate? He's starting something here.

What's that about ravens? But as we all know, it comments, as is well known, that came true, those words he just said, because the last abbot of Vale Royal, his name was Harrow, and he was put to death during the dissolution of the monasteries by Henry VIII. And the abbey was given to a knight called Holcroft, whose crest was a raven. Whoa.

So that contains some of the same words as the prophecy. Yes. Pretty conclusive. He said Northwich was going to be destroyed by water. What happened to Northwich? Nothing. It's still there. Uh-oh.

I had a gig there, which was tepidly received. Maybe the water was around the ankles. That was the reason. It actually says Norwich, but he means North northwich which is the norwich of cheshire big salt mines apparently the whole town is undermined so at any point the salt mines could collapse and it could and it could yeah at the time it was being printed by the victorians they were saying which is widely believed to be about to happen however it has not yet succumbed but who knows climate change so it could still happen.

He said that Peckfort and Mill shall be removed to Ludington Hill. That can't happen. No. I mean, it changed the whole nature of the Mill. The dynamic of the place. Did it move? I don't know. It is not in the list of... The Wikipedia page has a list of one of the ones that

are supposed to have come true. One of them is that, quote, all sorts will have chimneys in their mouths. And the way they formatted it is it gives the quote and then an example of how that came true. And what it says is all sorts will have chimneys in their mouths. And that just cigarettes. No, I'm just cigarettes. So he predicted cigarettes there. So that's pretty good.

Called cigarettes. Pretty impressively, he predicted the Battle of St. Albans, which is most remarkable because it happened six years before he was born. So amazing that he... Nailed it. But what he's most known for in his lifetime is the prediction of the victory of Henry VII at the Battle of Bosworth Field, which was in 1485 after he was born.

So even more of a challenge. During the battle, he wasn't there, he was back in Cheshire, he was seen to shout out, Now Richard! Now Harry! Now Harry! Get over that ditch and you will win the day! And he predicted the victory of Henry VII over Richard III. And then, spent the rest of the week running around,

saying that he was going to be taken to the king and starved to death. And everyone thought, no you aren't, and they're all laughing at him as usual. But then word of his prediction reached Henry VII and he sent a messenger out. The messenger came and he picked up Robert Nixon and he took him away. And Robert Nixon put up a great fight because he didn't want to be starved to death, but he was dragged off to see the king. And Henry VII, who was a pretty canny guy, off a big high from the Battle of Bosworth Field, pretty much in his pomp, thought, well, this is quite interesting, but I'm going to test this kid. And he hid a valuable ring somewhere in the castle. And he got Richard Nixon.

No, he didn't get Richard Nixon. I am not looking for his rings. And he got Robert Nixon. He challenged Nixon to find the ring. And Nixon repeated an old proverb, he who hideth can find. And Henry VII went, I get it. I get what you're saying.

You're a genius. You can stay in my castle forever. He who smelt it dealt it. Fine old proverb. Of course, Robert Nixon didn't want to stay in the castle forever he was terrified he was going to be starved to death

and so the king said I tell you what you can live in the kitchens and stay in the kitchens the whole time and I'll have this officer of the castle stay with you at all times

to make sure you don't get starved now the people of the kitchens were not that keen on having Nixon in the kitchens because

I've prepared a pun here so I hope you're ready for this he was not a cook like i am not you see what i did i'm not a crook i'm not a cook so what's he doing in the kitchens spoiling the broth exactly dribbling in the broth they really picked on him the other servants and cooks who i can't understand why they wouldn't have wanted this famously stupid drooling extremely annoyingly voiced idiot in the kitchens but they wouldn't have wanted this famously stupid, drooling, extremely annoyingly voiced idiot in the kitchens, but they didn't. And so they were always bullying him. And so what the officer did one day was to just give him a little bit of a break.

He just locked him in the cellar, locked him gently in the cellar, and then got a message from the king saying he had to come away and went away for three days. And Robert Nixon starved to death in the cellar. That's the end of the story. He was right. Starved to death in the cellar. That's the end of the story. He was right. Whoa. Starved to death in the cellar. Whoa.

And also he predicted cigarettes. So that's the end of the story. Wow. Oh, that's really sad. What a sad, stupid story of a man saying some nonsense. But it's like, I remember a tale that made me very sad was the guy on the, when they first invented submarines, there was this captain fella he was in

the navy and he was like he was really good at being a captain in the navy but he was like these submarines are rubbish that's never gonna work you'll never get me on one and then basically because he was such a good captain they were like you have to be the captain of this first submarine it's like the start of a film i'm out i. I'm never going to go on a submarine. You have to be the captain of this submarine. Oh, and it breached and drowned. Everyone drowned. Oh. And I bet he was thinking, I bloody told you.

It would be annoying, but also a little bit sort of like, I knew it. I don't want to say I told you so, because I'm drowning. It's hard to drown in a smug way, but I bet he managed it. So you've got any scores, any cats categories? Categories, right. So I wasn't, we didn't discuss that abbreviation beforehand. Cats, that's pretty standard, isn't it?

That's a standard abroov. Abroov. My first category for you in the scores is naming. Okay. I pointed at you overly confidently. Robert Nixon. Yes. Good name. Sounds a bit like Richard Nixon. you in the scores is naming okay i pointed at you overly confidently robert nixon yes good name sounds a bit like richard nixon i've called him richard nixon in several times that we've definitely edited out of the podcast yeah uh yeah robert nixon that's a good name the cheshire prophet

that's it sounds like it sounds like a publication run by an elderly woman you think it's a real newspaper then you know it's mostly made up of adverts for the Alpha Group. Hey, why don't you pop around to one of our events? Yeah, we've got coffee. Yeah, I've got coffee. I don't have to listen to Jesus, Bear Grylls. Bear Grylls advertises Alpha Group.

Well, yeah, I was never a fan of Bear Grylls in the first place. No, he's a real wrong-un. If you're a really posh person, imagine making a TV programme about how you could just live by eating twigs. Like, you're rich. Justh person imagine making a tv program about how you could just live by eating twigs like you're rich just buy some twigs get them delivered yeah so we've got a couple of beautifully named pamphlets like the wonderful prophecies of robert nixon yep well let

me give you the full title of that because it's got um it's got a load of incidental details i like a long title has it got an oar there? You better believe it's got an or. Yes. I think it's got an and. All right, it doesn't have an or in it. I was wrong. Should I say it in different volumes based on how large the font is? Because every part of it is printed at a different size.

So it's The Wonderful Prophecies of Robert Nixon, the celebrated Cheshire prophet, from Lady Cowper's correct copy with an account of life and death of the author. London. Yeah. Sixpence. They always whisper the price, don't they? And then the text.

Sixpence. I like that that's the correct. I'm glad that's from the correct copy. Yeah, from Lady Cowper's correct copy. Not the inaccurate one. Yeah, that's definitely. That alone as a name has given you five out of five. That's a great name for a pamphlet.

Thank you. That's, I guess, from the days when they couldn't have pictures on their pamphlets, so they had to fill it up with words. Yeah, it was probably too expensive to have too many pictures, so they just did all the letters different sizes. Like a ransom note.

Okay, five out of five. So my next category is... I've just written soups but it means supernatural i've done an abbreviation good lad glad that's the portmanteau or panto yeah supernatural is not very is it um cigarettes yeah nor north which here's what's supernatural about it how come north which isn't under water yet? What have they done? What enchantments have they woven in the town of Northwich? That was a bad point poorly made. A raven's nest will be.

I guess this guy probably babbled quite a lot. Yes, he was known for babbling. In his annoying voice, yes. So it's that thing. People were just reading into stuff, I think. Reading into it? Yeah. It's pretty specific.

Peck Fortin Mill shall be removed to Ludlington Hill. And that didn't happen. Ludlington Hill. Well, I just don't know if it happened. That might not have happened. How much research do you expect me to do? I'm not going to Ludlington Hill to check if there's a mill there. Is this...

It's always been here. Where did this mill used to be? He poked an ox and then three days later, vanished. It was taken away. Vanished. I mean, it's a little bit, it's not very scary though, is it? He predicted the outcome of a

battle between two parties. With the 50-50 odds. He gave live commentary on a battle. He wasn't there though, so it was quite impressive. Yeah, that is quite impressive. A low it's not because a lot of the stuff come on predicted a battle that happened before he was born aka remembered yeah he did remember something from school yeah okay i'll take that three we've got no other categories that rely on

his superpowers well my final category, and if you thought that the wordplay involved in Richard Nixon, Robert Nixon, I'm not a cook, I'm not a crook, was good. If you think that was good, you're going to be extremely impressed with this. Okay. My final category, Nostradamus. Oh. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Because he predicted things, but also I'm being quite offensive about somebody who obviously had learning difficulties. His key point is that he could not learn. Yeah. He was invincibly ignorant. Like, everyone tried to teach him things and they were just... Facts just bouncing off him.

Yeah. That's the invincibility music from Mario. No, I think that was the Sonic music. Mario is... And then he runs into a camera like, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. I lost my rings. But I know where they are.

Because the loser is the person that knows where they are. Shut up, Robert. That's the star. That's the correct Mario music. That's the star music from Mario. So what was I singing then? I think it was Sonic in general. Like Green Hills Level 1.

Hey, gamers, write in. I'm sure the gaming slash law audience is a massive crossover. Yeah, there's at least one person that I know. Hello. Hi. By the way, this is another classic James Shayshawe life hack. When you go to the airport, I actually got this off a friend of mine, but I don't think he listens to the podcast,

so I'm going to pretend it's mine. Nice. When you go to an airport and you get them travelators going along and you're walking along, I always, because my mate mentioned it, now hear the Mario Star music when I get on that. So I step on it.

Just walking along normally, but I'm shooting along. And then the boop, boop, boop, boop as I come off. James Shankshoff life hacks. I mean, we haven't quite got to the point where it's worthy of a spin-off podcast, but I think it's getting there. Haven't we? So, but like, he was wrong, but he was right.

You know, he was wrong. A lot of these prophecies weren't correct, but when he was right. Or were just remembrances. Or were just just things that happened in the past described vaguely genuinely the lie the live chat of the battle as it's going on yeah blow by blow that is that is pretty exciting it is and he predicted his own starvation and then precipitated it by being annoying yeah and it wasn't done in such a way that like he could it's like he made that happen no yeah nostrid dumbass i'm gonna give it four four i would have give it five because what would have made it sweeter is if he just made loads of predictions and literally none of them happened but people still talked

about it like not like a sort of reverse cassandra complex he was cursed to be believed while talking absolute gibberish. I'm going to take my four and swim off to Northwich. Now, a lost tale from series one. The tale there was a pun because these are stories about mermaids, famous for their tales. Today, we're venturing to the Peak District. Ooh. Yes.

My wife is from there. She grew up there till she was like eight. And her mum is from a village mentioned in one of these exciting... No. In one of the tales. You've edited it out. Yeah. The adjective.

Yeah, I don't want to build it up too much because there's a triptych of tales. These are pig district-based mermaids. It's not a coastal area. I was aboutermaids. It's not coastal area. I was about to say. It's not a famously seafaring region. It's more famous for being peaky. These are three mermaids in three pools

which are all believed to be linked to the Atlantic Ocean by an underground method. In one in particular, the mermaid's pool on Kinder Scout, which is by Hayfield, is apparently particularly acidic and briny. And so people have sort of thought... No animal will drink from it.

So this kind of brackish water, maybe it's connected via unknown means to the Atlantic Ocean. How else are you going to get that? Seems logical. Yeah. It's going to be a massive undersea tunnel, which the mermaid swims up. Yeah. And there's another one in Rothstein. There's Rothstein Meer. A third pool, Doxy Pool. It's named after the daughter of a notorious highwayman. And Doxy is the most polite way of referring to her. It's an old-fashioned term for a prostitute, isn't it? Exactly right. And that's the name of this pool in which lurks

possibly the most sinister of the mermaids, but we'll come to her later. So, first of all, Hayfield's Mermaid's Pool. That contains a mermaid. This is the salty one, right? Well, they're all salty. They're all spoken of as

places that animals won't drink and there are no fish in them. But they're remote enough that it seems that no one's actually bothered to sort of check. So, yes, the mermaid's pool at Kinder is at the bottom. There's a waterfall on Kinder called the Downfall.

Nice, if somewhat vague. I think accurate. Yeah, but it describes a lot of waterfalls. It doesn't particularly individualise this waterfall. No. Also, most falling is downwards. Good point. It's very little up-falling.

Well, actually, Kinder Downfall, if you go on YouTube, when it's really windy from a certain direction, it actually blows back. In other words, that renders the name even less appropriate. Yeah, what sounded like a good, intense, solid name is plain wrong. This particular mermaid, the Hayfield Mermaid, would appear on midnight of Easter Day. Early morning Easter Day. Right, so just of Easter Day. Early morning Easter Day. Right, so just as Easter begins.

Just as Easter begins, this mermaid would appear. And if you saw her, she would grant you eternal life, or maybe kill you. It's a very remote place. It's quite hard to get to. But if you went up there and you looked into the pool at the stroke of midnight, Easter Sundayay morning you would see the mermaid and it could either be very good or very bad for you so uh do we have any cases of people being killed or granted eternal

life well there is a guy from hayfield called aaron ashton who was a bit of a... He was the most famous man in Hayfield. Aaron Ashton died in 1835. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that he wasn't granted eternal life. No, but he was 104 when he died. Well, that's not bad. That's not bad for back then as well.

He was born in the 18th century, yeah. He was born in 1731. Give or take. Yeah, he was one of Hayfield's minor celebrities. This is in quote marks in Westwood and Simpson. He served 30 years in the army. He fought in the American War of Independence for the British. Bad luck.

Yeah. When he came back to Hayfield after being in the war, he would go up every year. Never missed going up to the Mermaid's Pool on Easter Eve in hope of seeing the mermaid. But he lived to 104, so he might have thought, but from about 88, he might have been thinking, maybe I did see her. If anything, without wanting to be sceptical on Mermaid 1, the fact that this guy went there every single Easter and never saw the mermaid seems to be a pretty good evidence that the mermaid wasn't there. What, a 104-year-old man? A 104-year-old man went there every year and never saw it.

So for 100 years it didn't happen. Yes, yes, yes. There was a poem written about it. Oh, fair enough. If there's a poem, it must be true. And apparently you could get granted riches if you saw the mermaid.

But yeah, the downside is the mermaid's so beautiful you're never able to love. That's the mermaid. Is that mermaid one? Oh, they also drowned a witch

in that pond. In the same pond. In that mermaid's pond. Jenny Crumb. Jenny Crumb was considered a witch and in the 1800s they drowned her in the mermaid's pond. In the pond. In that mermaid's pond. Jenny Crumb. Jenny Crumb was considered a witch, and in the 1800s, they drowned her in a mermaid's pond. In the 1800s?

That's a very late witch drowning. That is pretty late, isn't it? Yeah. Hold on. Let me fact check. While you fact check, can I go and get a top of my tea? Oh, yes. Oh, no, this is...

Right, okay. I read this research Right I'm okay I read this research when I was ill and I took some of the main words from the story and came up with they drowned a witch in the 1800s Let's find out

what really happened So a moment ago James before you did your fact checking you said that a witch called jenny crumb was drowned in the 1800s yeah uh what's the story i've fact checked that and yeah i've i've remembered it almost wholesale inaccurately so jenny crumb no susanna higgin was this witch. 1760 was the year. And basically there was this charmed wooden weaving pin that was bewitched and it caused loads of bad problems in Hayfield in 1760.

So everyone was like, Jenny, you bloody bewitched weaving pin in here. They chucked fruit at her. The vicar got involved. He agreed to perform an exorcism on the wooden weaving pin in here. They chucked fruit at her. The vicar got involved. He agreed to perform an exorcism on the wooden weaving pin. Held a ceremony full of solemn words. Some of the people swear they saw the witch chum

plunge into the mermaid's pool while others say it flew over a gate. But that was the end of the trouble. So nobody got drowned in the pond at all? No one was drowned in the pond. But a wooden pin might have got thrown in there. Might have got thrown in there. Or could have flown over a gate.

Or just, yeah, got flung over a gate by a vicar. Mermaid number two, Ross the Mere Mermaid. Pretty much standard, bottomless lake, linked to the Irish Sea by an Underground channel. And this mermaid comes up on Easter Day and rings a sunken bell. But Easter Day again. So I think it's the same mermaid, just on the way to work. She can't be in two places.

Oh, right. She rings the bell. Ding, ding. All right, Aaron. So they're quite near each other, these two pools. One's in Cheshire, and the other's Peak District. So I guess that's kind of the route that this imagined underground tunnel takes okay so this but this is called black mirror if you were to gaze long enough on the shimmering surface then this second moment will rise from the depths

combing her hair and there's there's a little rhyme about this another supporting poem yes she calls on you to greet her combing her dripping crown and if you go to meet her she ups and drags you down. So light-hearted Death by Drowning

there. It's kind of like a little a more attractive version of those 80s or 70s don't go near

the dark water. I think it was voiced by Donald Pleasence and it was like a shadowy figure of death it's always on them

clip shows trying to scare kids away from standing water yeah I'm not sure beautiful ladies is the way to scare people away from places

well that's what they did in the past that's Mermaid 2 it's not got much going for it well let's hear Mermaid 3 we come to Doxypool boom

sexual name this mermaid's called Ginny Greenteeth nice It's not got much going for it. Well, let's hear Mermaid 3. We come to Doxy Pool. Boom. Sexual name. This mermaid's called Ginny Greenteeth. Nice. And she, if you go in the pool, if you foolishly swim in this pool, she will come at you. She will rise from the reeds, growing from the pool to a height of 25 or 35 feet, and she will eat you unless you run away, which is what happened to one person.

Wait, wait. One person ran away or was eaten? Ran away. Mrs. Pettit survived the encounter with Jenny Greenteeth because she ran. So it's not as scary. She seems pretty limited in her movements for a 25 slash 35 foot weedy woman.

Jenny Greenteeth. So it's a good name. Very frightening. So then it's the mermaids. Do you want to know anything more about saltwater and freshwater mermaids? There is a difference. Yeah, I do want to know more about saltwater. Because I was going to say Mermine Sea.

So these are sort of mermaids, like lake maids rather than mermaids. Yes. Even though this water is meant to be linked to the Atlantic, these are considered to be than mermaids. Yes. Even though this water is meant to be linked to the Atlantic, these are considered to be freshwater mermaids. Well, they're inland. They're not necessarily fishtailed. They're more likely to be just attractive women who will drown you. Right.

Shall we score? Let's do the scores. These three mermaids. Is it cheating to have three? No, because they're connected. The tunnels all connect, presumably underground. Well, they'd, yeah. We'd be mad to assume that that

didn't definitely happen. Yes. Good. Phew. That's hopefully triple my scores. Okay. Supernatural. Supernatural. It's got to be high. I mean, mermaids are, they're supernatural beings, aren't they? Well.

And we've got three of them here. These seem to be trying to be explained to us in a quasi-scientific fashion. Oh, so are these just a species unknown to science? This seems more, I believe the term is cryptozoology nonsense. That's this particular type of nonsense. Cryptozoology. Ah. Nonsense.

That's this particular type of nonsense. So because like the fact that they have a tunnel from the sea, so it's like that's how they get around. It's not like they just appear out of nowhere. The bestowing of eternal life, I mean, that's as close to supernatural as you get. It's pretty supernatural, but doesn't happen at any point in any of the stories. So I was ready to slap down a five stars on that. But since it's cryptozoology, I'm going to edge it down to four.

Naming, come on. Naming. Jenny Greenteeth. Jenny Greenteeth. That's good. The Mermaid's Pool. Is it called The Mermaid's Pool? Yeah, that's the other one.

But that is on Kinder. Which is the paedophile version of Tinder. No. No, it's from the old word meaning thing. You can't just name a place thing. Or as in like a monster, like a being. Oh, right. An unknown being.

So it could be the Kinder. Or like the white in Isle of Wight. Is it? I think white means a living thing. Ah, like a something oh right an unknown being so it could be the kinder like the white in Isle of Wight is it I think white means a living thing ah like a something a thing

yeah a being so this and this kinder is could refer to this mermaid or

one of there's a couple of other beasts there was the milking hillock ghost

which would rattle chains and Peggy with a Lantern. Oh well Milking Hillock is way ahead of Peggy with a Lantern but you I like Peggy with a Lantern.

Your last minute introduction of even more interestingly named monsters has clearly made this a five. It's five for names definitely. Even though you threw a ringer in there

with that you just chop it up with some more weird ghosts. Just say some silly names. Jimmy the Nose. No-headed Bobby. Martin the Ghost. I think there was another one.

There's another one. These are just... We've already scored. I know. I mean, you're doing well. There's no need to throw more. These are other mermaids that have just got some cool names right so there's a ginny green teeth i think there's multiple ginny or jenny green teeths around the

country or the same one working on shift on these going through these underground flumes basically peg powler had green tresses and insatiable lust for human life Grindy low and one from Yorkshire and Shropshire is Nellie Longarms Nellie Longarms ah imagine her long arms they're so long

you'd see her standing in the water you'd think it's a girl standing in the water and then the long arms rise out of the water ah she can't get me

I'm well over here oh no they're really long arms lechery was the next one lechery well we do have this what was his name aaron ashton aaron ashton a minor celebrity a minor celebrity at 104 104 who every single year went to try and see a naked lady in a pool that's real commitment to the craft of perving on women in pools isn't it well before you had your internet yeah that was the only in those days they wouldn't have even had a railway siding in order to find your thrown away magazine porn

you had to actually look for it in the realm of the supernatural or cryptozoological. Well, I think Aaron certainly represents a high score for luxury. The mermaids, though, including Doxy... Yeah, Jenny Greenteeth is from Doxy Paul Brosnan. Which promises a certain

degree of lasciviousness but actually eats you. These sisters that are sort of doing it for themselves in this case yeah to coin a phrase

yeah yeah yeah so do you so to that because that's kind of the thing of the mermaid isn't

it it's going like oh the siren have a look at these and then they and then the man dies

maybe actually that's quite a... It's possible that there's a misogynist angle there. Yeah, maybe there is a reading. I would give it a five for lechery because I think Aaron's quite a character. I'm going to give it a four because of possible misogyny.

Yeah, good shout. We've cleared that up forever. I'm dusting my hands. Yes. Not giving yourself a hand clap, an applause. No, no, I'm dusting my hands. Yes. Not giving yourself a hand clap, an applause. No, no, I was dusting my hands as if to say, sexism over. Right, next challenge, next... Category?

Yeah, bad science. Bad science. Slash bad geography. Yeah, extremely questionable geography. The huge underground tunnels. The huge underground tunnels. The huge underground tunnels that nobody has ever seen and there is no evidence for in the slightest. No, just that there's no fish in these ponds

and animals don't want to drink from them. And no one's tested whether they have salt in them. And these are remote ponds that nobody, people only ever really see once a year if they go there deliberately to sit. So how people know that animals never drink from them. Very good point. There's a lot of poor science.

It's that no animal will drink, no fish will swim, and no birds will fly over. No birds will fly. Yeah, that's, come on, really? You are all the way up that column of

air all the way up to the stratosphere I've seen those in upper limit be reasonable yeah it's five out of five for

bad science there's not a single there's not a single fact in this story that is supported by any empirical evidence it's a

series of claims about things that never happen or always happen and there is no evidence that the things that never happen never happen and there's no things that the evidence that the things that always happen or always happen. And there is no evidence that the things that never happen, never happen.

And there's no evidence that the things that always happen, ever happen. I mean, that sentence did make sense, but I'm so confused in saying it. Five points. Few. And now the deal or no deal category. Explain the title of that category. It's the Edmonds factor. It's the reward the mermaid offers of eternal life,

or you will be killed. It is a Noel Edmunds, yes. Edmunds, yes. The conundrum. Yeah, it's... What's in the box, Noel? I don't think they... They don't tell Noel.

Don't they? Have you heard Noel Edmunds' latest scam? No, what's Noel Edmonds' latest I'm calling it a scam Yeah, I was going to say For legal reasons Noel Edmonds has never carried out any scams But

What is his latest game? He will ring up And offer Presumably amateur I'm not sure if it's psychology or psychiatry To your pet. What? To your cat, specifically.

Let me say he will ring up. Is this something you request or something that he does against your will? Well, he would probably claim that the cat was sent a request out to the cosmos. He's become a pet counsellor. Yeah, that's what he does now. He did it live on the radio on Jeremy Vine, I think. One of the Vines. He's history's greatest monster.

Five stars. Yes. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I can't remember what the category was, but I don't like Noel Edmonds, so that's five points. It was the Edmonds factor. It was the Edmonds factor. The monstrous nature.

Yeah, do you get killed or do you get eternal life? But like with Noel Edmonds' scams, what you actually get is disappointment and nothing is delivered in all of these cases. Take that, Edmonds. Yes. Although that sort of means that Ginny Greenteeth is in some... She's been diminished in my mind

because I'm now imagining her looking a little bit more like Mr. Blobby. More likely the reason she couldn't catch that woman is because she fell over into some... Well, if you did live in a lake, you would have a crinkly bottom, so there is...

Them three mermos, pretty high-scoring mermos. Yeah, high score. Are we done? Is that the end of that? Yeah. And Noel Edmonds is a murderer. I mean, there's no evidence

that Noel Edmonds is a murderer. Oh, prove to me he isn't. You've been listening to Lawmen. The Lawmen are James Shakeshaft and Alistair Beckett King. Please subscribe, rate, review and recommend to a friend. You can tweet us at lawmenpod or email us at contact at lawmenpodcast.com to suggest

stories from your area. Do you want to do Hayfield Mermaids since it's your story? Oh, yeah. Now a lost tale from series one. And there is actually a pun in tale because it's about mermaids. Famous for their tails. With a T-A-I-L. It's too long. Play the music!