Loremen Podcast - S2 Ep12: Loremen S2 Ep12 - Athena Kugblenu - Anansi the Spider and The Longridge Boggart

Episode Date: March 7, 2019

Comedian Athena Kugblenu joins the Loremen with a fable about a Ghanaian trickster. Meanwhile, James takes Alasdair boggart-bowling in historic Lancashire.  Featured image: A garden spider, shown in the centre of its web. Chromolithograph, 1870. Credit: Wellcome Collection. (CC BY 4.0) @loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK  | @athenakugblenu

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Becker-King, and I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. And I'm James Shakespeare. I've also seen Blade Runner. This story comes from Ghana via East Finchley. Well, this episode of Lawmen, we have another guest law person. It's Athena Koblenu. Hello.

Hello. Did I get it right? Please don't worry about it. Yeah, you got it spot on. Yes. We were just checking how to pronounce your name because it's got a stray G in it. It's got a very unnecessary G. It's a waste of a G. I don't know why it's there.

It's just hanging out with these guys. I don't know what's the point of silent letters in names that are made up. Like in words, you can have silent letters, but someone made up a name. Literally one day it was like, this will be a name and they just put silent letters in them.

How bizarre. But where do you think words come from? Latin. Gosh, I'm learning so much in this podcast i'm gonna just pronounce the g i'm gonna call you athena that makes me like a gangster like yeah i like that better am i thinking you're from east finchley um i am from east finchley which is an extremely mythical place it's magic oh man we've got cherry tree woods oh yeah um with no cherry trees right so i think the cherry trees are a myth yeah right there the silent cherry tree yeah exactly got

margaret thatcher that was her constituency um and also god rest his soul george michael yeah was he also an east finchley boy a finchley boy indeed um um before he moved up further north you've got that really nice it's a really nice Indian takeaway there. What's it called? Majos. Majos. Wow, you know about Majos? I used to live on the high street. Majos is the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember when there was Newsroom South East on, they got done for like an environmental health violation and they was on Newsroom South East. Really?

And we were so excited that someone from Newsroom South East, it didn't bother us that they had like rats running around. But this was like 30 years ago.

I tell you what, it's worth it just the from the punjabi samosas is i'd take it a few rats running about that it's very good i've not been there for years yeah because i've only just recently moved back there so i should yeah i should go back there it's been ages you're a new baby world yeah yeah you guys have my baby twins in safaris you've both got one it's just sunk in yeah yeah twins i've got to tell you this story okay I've got a twin brother he had a baby same day as mine what

so we've got twin cousins whoa twins exactly that's exactly what they are officially so my little girl's

middle name is Attaway which means female twin in the Ghanaian language that I come from because she's technically a female twin and I think that's just

I still can't get over how the meticulous planning worked out no no it wasn't planned if anything i mean yeah that's an awkward phone call yeah it is have you guys started okay all right now they have they started i'll tell you what the the day he said oh laura who's his girlfriend is he said oh we're having a baby and i knew i was piglin i was just horrified so i didn't tell anyone else like another two months. I just thought, this is really weird. You didn't want to pull focus by going, also me. Yeah, because he's in a relationship and I had a Tinder baby.

So it was like, oh, this is really embarrassing, that. But it all worked out in the end. Tinder baby sounds almost more convenient. And that would be an Uber baby, I suppose, where you just phone up. Yeah, right. And if you don't like it, you just give it a bad score. Why have relationships and go for that malarkey when you can just go on a few dates, get dinner?

And swipe right for baby. So am I right in thinking that your heritage is Ghanaian and that you've brought us a Ghanaian story today? That is exactly right. It's almost as if we spoke before the podcast. It's amazing this has just happened by coincidence. No, yeah, I'm half Ghanaian. And yeah, I thought I'd choose a Ghanaian story to tell you

because you might not have heard it before. I don't know if the listeners know that James and me are white guys from Britain. We have a podcast, so I'm pretty sure they know. So, Athena, you have a story for us that comes from Ghana. Would you like to tell us that story? I would love to and if I can just preface it by saying specifically the Ashanti region of Ghana

Oh right because it predates colonialism We'll get on to that guys Phew That I said with an extremely threatening tone of voice We'll get on to that well you just told me you're white

so I thought oh I've got a word of you I love the idea that you didn't know we were white until now I knew she hadn't noticed because i really thought we were getting away with it open my eyes all right i'll tell you the story um because it's a good story and it's actually even though it's a myth it's true it's a story of the anansi spider um and the anansi spider has actually lots of stories where he gets up to all kinds of things and they're kind of stories that you can learn from like fables and this perhaps is a really important lesson i think which is

why i want to tell it today. So once upon a time, a long time ago, there lived a spider called Anansi. And the spider had a wife. And the wife was an amazing cook, like cooked the most delicious food in all the land. But Anansi always liked to try food from different people. It wasn't enough that his wife was a good cook. Is there a metaphor for him sort of playing away? Is that or is it just food... It's a children's story.

Oh, okay, right. So there's no subtext there, like just popping next door for a sandwich or something. You know, now you say it, I'm starting to feel sorry for the poor spider wife. Is the wife also a spider? That's the other thing I don't know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, right, right. You know, you wouldn't marry, like, a bear if you was a spider. No, I don't. Not, like, mixed species. species right thank you for clarifying yeah that movie got banned spider bear so anyway this this is the spider and nancy spider was like i'm gonna go out and eat from somebody else's house so he popped by to rabbit's house he's a rabbit okay just a friend not a mate just friends i understand yeah and the rabbit was

cooking vegetables right and uh the vegetables smell amazing like so nice uh and and actually said i love my vegetables uh can i have some and the rabbit was like well they're not quite ready yet now here's the thing rabbit always asks spider to do little jobs around the house okay i guess because he's good at it i personally got loads of hands yeah but they're so small like unless the job was build a spider web there's not much else you can do but anyway a spider was like oh my gosh i don't want to do any jobs what i'll do is this i'm going to start making a web i'm going to tie one into my web to the top of the pot right and then when the food's ready the rabbit can tug the web and i'll come back does that make sense checks out so he wanders he wanders off and he goes to uh the frog's house

okay he's got a mate he's a frog right um because he's got friends from all the species a nice frog like that and the frog's cooking and the frog's cooking delicious beans like a pot of beans it doesn't specify what what kind of beans you're looking at me like especially because you're vegan yeah like i need to know. You're dying to know. I need deets, as we call them on the internet. Let's just say they're kidney beans. Oh, nice.

And you need to cook them because they're poisonous if you don't. Yes, that's true. They'll kill you dead. In a can? No, they're cooked in a can. Oh, good. Anyway, guess what? The beans weren't ready. And so the spider was like, well, they're not ready.

I'm not hanging around to wait. So he makes another bit of web, ties it around the pot of the beans and wanders off right then he goes to the monkey's house and the monkey is boiling sweet potato and honey right could you imagine sweet potatoes they're sweet then you're adding honey that's sweet sweet potato but guess what they're not ready so he's like i can't wait for this this is working out so well for me anyway what i'll do is i'll tie a bit of string around it and wander off and the first person to finish cooking can tug the bit of string that will spy the web and then i'll know where to go so anyway he visits other people's houses he ends up tying all of his legs to different pots around the village and he goes to the river to wait and

then he feels a tug he thinks brilliant the beans are ready then he feels another tug and he thinks brilliant the sweet potato is ready then he feels another tug and And he thinks, brilliant, the sweet potato's ready. Then he feels another tug. And he thinks, brilliant, the soup is ready. And then all of a sudden, all of his legs are being pulled. And he's like, oh my God, everything's ready at the same time. And then all of his legs get pulled off. And he falls into the river and drowns. However, that is actually the reason why spiders have long spindly legs. Because even though he drowned, he must have left his DNA somewhere.

Does that mean his wife had little stumpy, eight stumpy legs before this? Look, she's been through enough. Yeah, she's widowed. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's the widow and Nancy stumping around on tiny, tiny little legs, like a bowling ball.

Yeah, and all alone, I guess, because once you've got stumpy legs, it's hard enough to find a man. She's a good cook. Yeah, but obviously, like, there's a moral to this this story but i'd like to ask you what the moral is so to make sure you've learned it oh to maybe help your wife when she's cooking i don't know stay at home yeah don't try and do eight things when you could just do one thing and not get your legs stretched right maybe have a varied diet just eat different things on different days. Well, don't forget, like, he lived with someone,

he was, like, a good cook. So if, you know, he could have just had her food, right? Or he could have had patience. Mmm. Patience. Because if someone's cooking something and it smells nice, rather than saying, I can't be bothered to wait, you know, then you just wait and then you end up with delicious food

and not drowned in the river with no legs. Because he wanted too much he actually ended up with nothing yeah it's exactly it but don't forget the reason why he didn't want to stay at the rabbit's house just because the rabbit always asked him to do things but he wanted something for nothing oh yeah you know that's not very nice is it so there's lots of little there's lots of little bits to take away from that story you both look like better people oh yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And James is actually quite tall. And I'm wondering if your arms and legs were ever stretched at any point in a fable. I do like lots of different food. It might have been an ancestor.

Yeah. You had four groups of friends all getting takeaway. Yeah. And you were stretched between them. KFC, McDonald's, Burger King, Pizza Hut. Majos. I'll tell you what, Majos. Tie all my limbs to Majos please

it's delicious I quite like Anansi I have heard of Anansi well I think most people in Britain have probably heard of Anansi through the band Skunk Anansi who were partly named after Anansi and partly named after

the popular animal skunks I assume that's what that means I never made that link do you think it was just a coincidence? I don't think I think it is actually named after the the trickster character and nancy oh okay well yeah then he's a trickster but he's dead now although i was being facetious i don't think the skunk in skunk and nancy is actually the animal skunk i think it's the other i think

oh the weed i think it's a drugs reference oh marijuana in the music industry i know i know james it's shocking isn't it because when I was looking it up, I immediately thought that it reminded me of Br'er Rabbit, who's another trickster character. And then I went on the Wikipedia page and it says, oh, it's a bit like Br'er Rabbit. Well, what a surprise. A bit of cultural appropriation. Hold on. No, no.

But Br'er Rabbit is not a white people's story. Oh, yeah, that's true. It's an African-American story. Oh, that's right. There we go. So it's a slave story. There's the connection. Yeah.

Because do you know the stories of Br'er Rabbit? I know we've talked to Br'er Rabbit before when we were talking about... Is he... Song of the South. Disney ripped him off. Yeah. I've not seen that one. In the 19th century, a white journalist went around collecting the tales of Uncle Remus,

who's the sort of slightly Uncle Tom-like avuncular old slave who's very nice to the little white boy and tells him the stories of Br'er Rabbit, who's a very lazy sort of trickster character, quite like Anansi, and is a very likeable sort of hero. And he does appear in the Disney Song of the South. I think it's Song of the South, yeah. Which they have yet to commission a live action slash CGI remake of, I've noticed.

It's scrupulously not recommissioned. It's got some great songs in there. I don't know what the issue is. It also reminded me of, it's kind of a Just So story. Like, do you know Rudyard Kipling's Just So stories? Because it sort of explains how spiders got their legs. Yeah. And I remember reading those as a kid and thinking,

for a kid's story, this contains the N-word a lot. Like loads more than you would usually expect. Like on every page. Rudyard was quite the colonialist, though. You promised that colonialism would come in. Oh, did I? And I think it had. What story was this?

The one I'm thinking of is how the leopard got his spots. And the way he got his spots was super racist. Oh, right. Oh, dear. Which is that a black guy prints the spots on with his thumb because black people have dark skin. Because they're faking it. It's not even a...

Like, the underside of our hands... I know, black people's thumbs are not even... Yeah, if it was a's not even a night, like, like the underside of our hands. I know, black people's thumbs are not even. Yeah, if it was a headbutt, I'd be like, oh, fair enough.

They headbutted the leopard. Like, yeah, that's fair enough. I've got this theory. It's not a theory, it's fact. But,

but if you're, if you was, if you're European, so from any of the European countries, and particularly from a colonial power, and you're white, and you're a man, and you're successful, you probably were racist, because you would have learned that at school. It would have been

in your textbooks, it would have been in your newspapers, it would have been anywhere, and you wouldn't have elevated yourself in society if you weren't, if you didn't comply with what society thought at the time. So it's just sort of stands to reason, and it's just whether or not you had an outlet for that. So obviously Roger Kipvin was a writer. He had an outlet for that so obviously roger kipman was a was a writer he had an outlet for that but if you invented like light bulbs

you can't invent like a racist light bulb there's no way to look at it why is that why is that light bulb like does it work well on black people i don't know but you did get racist those racist hand dryers the hand dryers that can't see black people it's true they don't um so the early dysons if you see like a dyson one they actually don't work that well on brown skin this is totally true i used to work in this office where it wouldn't come on automatically for me i'd have to like give it a good go i think you say like phone down to reception just we'll send a white person yeah we had to employ a guy we had to get a guy in just to like stand by the handrails I wonder if they fixed that I'm not sure

but yeah it's very true he seems like a Dyson I mean usually at this point you start slandering Noel Edmonds

so it's nice to see you branching out to get Dyson in yeah yeah what's your beef with Noel Edmonds he's a just please say something

we don't have to edit out he claims that he can do therapy on cats cats Just please say something we don't have to edit out. He claims that he can do therapy on cats. Cats? No one can do therapy on cats. They do what the hell they like. He did it on the radio. Yeah, I'd like to see that. Look it up. It's him speaking to a cat on the radio,

trying to give it live therapy. Did the cat phone in? I think the owner phoned in. With its problems. Oh, right. Okay, fair enough. They had to get the owner to do it, like you have to get white people to operate hand dryers for you Yes, exactly that

Lots of things exclude people who are non-white It just happens subconsciously Can I say that? Yeah, I'll talk about this You get told about breastfeeding loads When you're having a baby And the NHS are very militant with it Like, you must breastfeed your child Otherwise you're scum of the earth

I don't quote them direct quote it's genuinely strongly implied it's strongly implied that if you don't breast yeah if you don't breastfeed your child that you don't deserve the chance it's like it'll be taken away from you like um but all the literature shows white breasts right with these tiny nipples and you just think and they say things like you got to get all in the baby's mouth and i think are you sure mate it's not gonna fit in and a little and it's you need a bit of diversity when you're talking about stuff like that because other because one person's experience of how it works is wildly different to other person just based on a different anatomy what's insane is that white people are the global minority it's just like so that's like the

hashtag white genocide i didn't think it was going to take that kind of a turn but wow yeah uh yeah but that's which is really uh which is really funny because it's like you've got this worldwide thing that's being used around the world but it only caters to the minority of the world's population so great you brought it up i wasn't going to say nothing i was going to keep it to myself um but i will tell one story makeup okay if you're a comedian particularly a female comedian you've got to deal with makeup artists you sometimes struggle with like skin that isn't white and there was this one makeup artist who just couldn't get her head

around the fact i didn't want blusher like couldn't like and i'm like i don't my my cheeks don't go red like it's fine um and she was like don't't worry, don't worry, don't worry, look fine. When I've seen the playback of what I look like on screen, I just, I hope it never, she's the light of day. Like, it's just, you know, if you get, tell your seven-year-old, I'll go and put makeup on me. And they put makeup on you. And you look like you've been to clown school in France for a day. Like, it's just ludicrous.

So that's my lighter story, I think. The white genocide one. I mean, we might trim down the white genocide section in the edit. We'll see. So I think it's time for the scores now. Yes. I also think that.

Well, if we both think it's time for the scores, it probably is. Athena, what's your first category? Names. Oh. Well, Anansi's a great name. Anansi's a good, so good. A wonderful name. It's 50% of a great name and that's a good wonderful 50 of a band name so that is an endorsement yeah and then mrs anancy uh yes she doesn't have a first name

does she no yeah it's not working for me um do any of the other animals have names yes uh rabbit is called rabbit okay frog's called frog monkey is monkey and uh pig is called pig he also responds to hog he's hog is he the boss hog is that have i just mentioned another racist thing with the really racist car it's not racist because he's got the confederate flag like flag all over it. Could you imagine if it was Nightlight Ride and it just said things like... Michael, a black man is driving me. His taillight is out, Michael. Sort him out.

Michael, we're getting pulled over again. There's not much else to say. They don't have names. Score me lowly. I predict zero. Oh, it's not zero. It's not zero. Anansi's a name. Anansi's a name, yeah. Anansi's a really good name. Oh, zero oh it's not zero oh and that's his name yeah

and that's a really good name oh that's it how come how come anancy's got a name but but all the other animals are just called the animal they are he's got a proper name let me say something right that will probably work in my favor there is a west african tradition if not african tradition to call people things do you know what i? So you tend to be named after your situation. So for example, my daughter's twin cousin is called Ato'o, which means female twin. Okay.

And if you was born on a Tuesday, your name would be crazy because you was born on a Tuesday. And my Ghanaian name is Ato', which means female twin if you have a female and a male. Do you see what I'm saying? So the rabbit is called rabbit

because that's what we do in Ghana. Because he is a rabbit. Exactly, that's what we are. What is Ghanaian for rabbit just like my no I'm from East Finchley oh no

I only know what I know I only know the answers to questions I have in advance okay yeah so that you know if he was to mark me lower

because they're named what they are that would be incredibly offensive to my community. It would basically be a hate crime. You could never go to Edmonton. There's a lot of Ghanaians in Edmonton, North London, for anyone who wants to know where that is. I'm pretty sure I can't go to Majo's anyway at the minute.

Oh, because of the rats. Yeah, literally, North London is becoming a no-go zone for you. I'm going to say it's a three for names. Is that sufficiently not racist? Oh, that's a lot. That's a lot-go zone for you. I'm going to say it's a three for names. Is that sufficiently not racist? Whoa, that's a lot. That's a lot? That's a lot. I'm really trying to avoid...

Because there are many names. I really want to go to Edmonton. I do. There are so many guy names in Edmonton. We used to call the 144 Bus Garner Airways. True story. I really like the name of Nancy. It's a lovely ring to it.

Don't make me sing to you, James. Okay, I'll go three. Definitely to limit any further singing on this podcast. So it's three out of five for names. Steady, steady. Okay, what is your second category? The second category is supernatural. I don't actually know.

So the animals can all talk. That seems somewhat supernatural. And cook as well. Yes, and cook as well yes and cook and a spider can cook well well it's a lot of it is about multitasking and if you have eight legs albeit stumpy legs

it has got to be a help you know you can be turning the heat down on one you can be just sort of sauteing with the other but don't spiders just wrap the thing up and then let it dry out kind of thing so maybe they do yeah they probably do I think that's part of the cooking process

I think they're dissolving it in acid. It's marinating. Yeah. We wouldn't know much about that. It's getting very racist in the scoring section there. I've read about marinating. I've bought some Jamie Oliver products. I know all about marinating and non-racist food.

I think I deserve a five for that alone. Actually, but also there's something supernatural in the Just So story explanation of how things come about. I do like how the black got its blank. Yes. Well, I did like them until I heard that there's one that's incredibly racist. But don't forget, the spider... Blank is actually an offensive term to white people, James.

Guys, don't forget, the spider actually dies in the river, but still all of its ancestors end up having long spindly legs. Yes, that's true. So that's quite supernatural. That's definitely supernatural. Yeah. What do you reckon, James? I think it's a four for supernatural.

It's a four, good. I think it's a strong four. You look angry. No, that's my face. Sorry, that was my get in there face. I'm like a football supporter. You know when their team scores a goal, they go... That's what I do there.

I'm super chuffed with the four. Yeah. Great. I'll take that. Great. And what's the next category? Stealability. So what do you mean by stealability?

Well, basically, most things from Africa have been stolen by Caucasian people. Hey, not just us, but mostly us. Yeah. Not just you. Like, you know, some Middle Eastern guys took some stuff and you know some stuff we gave away freely

but a lot of it was stolen and you know a lot of mythology you know a lot of like Grecian mythology and myth and science comes from Africa

and this is a great story like would you want to steal it today and tell it to your kids but change the name and answer to like Steve Steve the spider he's losing a point

if his name is steve yeah yeah we'd have to go back and rebut yeah and also the band skunk steve i don't think it's a different genre of music i think skunk steve is a great name for a band it sounds like that bloke that goes down the street and pretends he's a lorry and he reverses and goes beep beep yes that's a great made up crazy guy oh no no, there was a real one of them. Oh, okay. In the town of Bridgewater in Somerset. I think he's called,

he's called, literally called someone like Laurie Pete. And he pretends that he's driving a lorry and he like runs down the street and gets annoyed if people like beep him in the cars and stuff. And one time he went into, someone saw him, he'd gone into a cafe and came back out and was shouting at a Ford Focus owner because they'd parked their car on his lorry.

So you think Anansi is a breakout-stealable property like Br'er Rabbit? I'm surprised... Well, it is Br'er Rabbit. Exactly like Br'er Rabbit. Yeah, sort of, basically. It's exactly like Br'er Rabbit. So I'll tell you another story about, like, sort of African diaspora. Actually, this is actually really interesting.

So there's lots of things we do in africa that like african americans and southern american black people do so for example like we have like our names and we have cool names right so my ghanaian name is attar but you can call me athena right and most people like in in like america having two names is quite common like you see in the hip-hop community so it's not a hip-hop thing you just generally have your call name or your nickname and your government name so to speak and also pour and drink

on the floor through your ancestors we do that in Ghana that's not something that's come from America to Africa it's come from Africa to America

and Br'er Rabbit would be an example of this because Br'er Rabbit is just like an anisee so it's already been not even stolen but it's already just like travelled

it's there just got to give it a 5 unarguable I think to avoid any accusations of cultural appropriation we've got to give it 5 out of 5 James

yeah definitely just conclusively a 5 out of 5 for stealability yeah what is the final category life lessons okay

well you've both got little babies yes so you guys are a better judge for the important life lessons you're going to be dealing out than me. Yeah, I'd want my kid to stay away from any hot boiling pots.

Would you tie it to the pot at any point? No, I would encourage him not to tie any of his limbs to boiling pots. What, like just a finger? No. No. You can't wrap them in cotton wool, James, if he wants to tie himself to... No, I would not wrap him in cotton wool. That's also dangerous.

They will overheat. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't want my child eating any food I hadn't prepared because I am a good cook, if not incredible, and I don't see why she's got to go to Majo's Food or, you know, Pizza Hut. There's food in the house. You know, there's something that, you know, there's a very famous saying, a lot of mothers do, why eat out when you can eat at home? You know, why order? I can make that better at home house you know there's something that you know there's a very famous saying a lot of mothers do why eat out when you can eat at home you know why older i can make that better at home

you know so um so she's gonna read that story over and over again and learn to not leave the house hungry my mum would say we're not having fish and chips because we can make it just as good at home and she'd have the the breaded fish it was it was not as good her attempt at a big mac was pitiful but my mum was always i can make it at home but it would be something totally different so it'd be like i can make my lords at home it'd be like a curry they don't serve curries in mcdonald's mum uh it's not quite like not the same can you get because i haven't been to mcdonald's for years being vegan but can you get curry at mcdonald's now because when i I was a kid, no adult would voluntarily eat there. Do you know what I get from McDonald's?

Coffee and Wi-Fi. So, like, the coffees are like a pound, and they always have Wi-Fi. I only go in to use the toilet. If you want to use a pub toilet, just go in. Like, if you catch the bar person's eye as you go in, just go, I'm just going to the loo. Just sort of point and do that. Go in the loo, do your business, come out on your phone going,

oh, what, you're where? I'll come and meet you there then and walk out. Nice. Wow. James Shakespeare life hacks. I regret tying myself to all those pub toilets now. I'm just waiting for them to become free. I've got an even better one, right?

If you want to use toilets for free at any point, anywhere, get pregnant. That is the other one. What a life hack. The ultimate life hack. Yeah, like when you're pregnant, you can do so much. It's so good. And yeah, you can just go into anywhere. I need to use your toilet.

And people are just more than happy to let you wee in their toilets. Maybe because they think you're going to give birth and they're going to make the papers. I don't know. They just tell you their name just so, just in case you want to name them after you. And then you've got to name your baby Weatherspoons or something, which is not good. But they get to drink for free for life

in that Weatherspoons. I guess, oh, I should have, and I was induced, so I knew when I was going to give birth, so I should have just taken the pill and then gone to Majo's. Got in like free food for the rest of her child's life

just a tiny little rat midwife just just there just helping out he works there now yeah he's cleaned his act up

he went on the courses he's got his own little certificate little A a little small picture of a rat he's got a meat

chopping board and a vegetable chopping board he's got a little upside down watch attached to his ratty chest. I think it's a five out of five for life lessons because that has been so many great life lessons.

We've got a couple of great new ones. You can wear a policeman's hat when you're pregnant, apparently. What? I've been doing it regardless. Especially when you're pregnant. Or is that like a pregnancy test? If you think you might be, you just get one of the copper's hats,

have a little wee in it, and how angry he gets, there's your answer. Is that the end of the podcast? I'm off to have another Tinder baby so I can put some hats. This is brilliant. Would you like to plug anything? How can our listeners find out more about you, hear some of your jokes and thoughts? That's an excellent question.

I'm glad you asked. I'm on social media, so I think the best thing to do is just find me i'm on facebook because i'm old i'm on twitter because i'm black and i'm on instagram because i'm beautiful i'm never gonna say that again um um yeah i'm on those things you can type in my name and i pop up thank you very much uh athena kublenu kublenu kublenuu Should we do that again where I don't get it wrong? Thank you very much Do not edit that out please End of the podcast

Athena Kublenu Perfect And this tale will terrify anyone who's leaving the pub after a late-night session in the past. What have you got for me? This one, right, OK. I'm going to put my cards on the table. First of all, this one's from the North West.

Of England? Of England. Heard of it. I'm not from there. That's okay. But I did live there for a bit. So I think that's all right. Also, I quite like this story.

It's from Longridge, which is a town in Lancashire, near the River Ribble. Already famous on this podcast. Yeah, this is the... I'm also from Lancashire. Are you? Yeah, I was born there. Really? Where?

Sorry. You just repositioned yourself in the chair. Really? Where? I hope you've got some hard evidence of this. I was born in Lancaster. Oh. Yeah. The main bit of Lancashire.

Yeah, capital of Lancashire. Well, this is Longridge this. I was born in Lancaster. Oh. Yeah. The main bit of Lancashire, right? Yeah. Capital of Lancashire. Well, this is Longridge, which is a town in Lancashire. It's the Longridge Boggart. Ooh, I like a boggart. Do you? Oh, yeah. Do you know a bit about boggarts?

Oh, do I know about boggarts? I'm from Lancaster. So, yeah, boggarts are traditionally an indoor boogie or bogey type creature except in the northwest northwest is one of the only places you'll find a boggart out of doors and the outer door boggart because of homelessness because of tory policy right probably uh the boggart in the northwest the outdoors one they're a little bit more feisty than your indoor friendly boggart that will just occasionally maybe turn your milk sour are they are they are they helpful or unhelpful are they like a household

spirit that does repairs or one that knocks pots and pans over those they can be a little bit naughty but they can also help out sometimes okay the indoor boggart they're law unto themselves um the boggart also known as the shriker the bar guest or simply trash uh there's supernatural creature i guess that's kind of obvious that's sometimes seen as an omen of death this is particularly the um northwest type they'll sometimes take the form of a white cow or horse or an enormous dog with glaring saucer-like eyes one in fact appeared fact, appeared to a chap in Manchester as a headless dog, and it ran the man home with its front paws on his shoulders. If he'd had a couple of drinks,

that sounds like he might be doing him a favour, just sort of guiding him back. Yeah, that doesn't sound too bad. I know what I am now. Just stop us off here, anywhere's great. Like an old Uber. Well, we hear famous boggarts include the Boggart the Brook, which is on a bridge near Garstang.

It may be the ghost of a murdered woman, but it would be a skeleton in a cloak and hood that would hitch a lift and she'd only reveal her terrifying true identity when on the seat and then she'd whip the horse into a gallop until the rider's thrown from the horse. That sounds a bit like Silky. A little bit Silky-esque. There's White Dobby.

He's a human form of Boggart who just wandered round Furness in a dirty white top coat, accompanied by a white hair with mad eyes. And some say that White Dobby was the ghost of a murderer and the hair was one of his victims. Because it would stare at people really angrily because it was a murder victim, presumably. The ghost of a murder victim that's now cursed to walk around with its murderer.

Now, there was also nice boggarts. They'd help farmers. One farmer used to reward his boggart with a jug of cream. But he died and his son took over the farm and started giving it skimmed milk. Which the boggart... Yeah, the boggart didn't... Who likes skimmed milk anyway? Let alone when you've been having cream every day. Actually, I prefer skimmed milk, which the boggart, yeah, the boggart didn't. Who likes skimmed milk anyway, let alone when you've been having cream every day? Actually, I prefer skimmed milk.

I'm a vegan now, but when we grew up, we only had skimmed milk, so I hate anything, even half and half, I don't like that. The decadence of a semi-skimmed. We decided that anything above skimmed was counter-revolutionary in our house, so I wasn't allowed to have it. Well, this boggart was annoyed at getting the skimmed milk and it messed with the farmer. It would steal things.

It would make the cream go sour. It banged pans. And in the end, the farmer and his wife tried to escape the boggart. They packed all their belongings onto a cart and they left at dawn. And at the edge of the village, a neighbour saw them and asked them if they were flitting.

And before they could reply, a voice from one of the churns said, Hi neighbour, we're flitting. Yeah. And the one way I want to talk about is Gabriel and the Boggart. Now, this happened in the early 1800s. And Gabriel was just a bloke, not the angel Gabriel. This is a bloke called Gabriel. He left the White Bull, a a pub in longridge after a

big old session and i had him in the road walking away from him he saw an old woman uh carrying a big basket covered with a cloth and she was wearing one of those you know the big bonnets you know the sort that look like um like the like a funnel that a dog wears after an operation oh yes but they come coming out from the face calls tos to mind to me, do you know a fancy like toilet roll holder that your nan has? Yes. Just a little lady with a big dress that goes over the toilet. I tell you what, have I told you this? No.

My gran had had one of those. She didn't just have one of those that went over the toilet roll. She had a massive one went over the hoover. What? Yeah, she had a hoover. It looked like a French maid. So when you open the understairs cupboard, there was a French maid there and you had to pull it off to reveal the hoover what yeah she had a hoover it looked like a french maid so when you open when you open the understairs cupboard it was a french maid there you had to pull it off to reveal the hoover

yeah because imagine if the neighbors knew you owned a hoover how embarrassing let it conceal it no i've just got a maid who never moves and lives under the stairs i've got a child slave um yes so in answer to your question yes i'm extremely familiar geez wow uh how does that work though because the thing about the thing i always thought that was clever about the because it's kind of like a bathroom toy it's the closest thing to a toy you'd find at my nan's house and the thing about it was was the legs would go in through the hole in the middle of the toilet roll so that kind of made sense but i don't know were there no legs on this one on your hoover no no it's very much a bag for putting a hoover in that had a picture of a french

maid on it that's haunting um right so she had one of them hats on and he tried to speak to her and he got no reply she wouldn't even turn to look at him she just carried on walking away and he was for walking after her and he said you met a lift you your tongue at home, Mrs. And she still... Could you just subtitle that for those of us who don't speak language? You might have left your tongue at home, Mrs. You might have left your what at home? Tongue. Tongue.

At home. Right. Mrs. Mrs. Mrs. Still knout, if you will. Gabriel offered to carry a basket and everything. And she handed it over and he had

a weirdly muffled voice say you're very kind i'm sure and it giggled and when he giggled he realized the sound it's coming from down near his hand and he was surprised and he said what what what in the world could it be and dropped the basket the cloth fell off the woman turns to him and reveals that inside the bonnet is nothing. And he hears another laugh, this time from the ground. And he looks down. The woman's head's in the basket laughing at him. He runs away, unsurprisingly.

And that could be where the story would end. Except the boggart gave chase. So she's chasing after him. The head or the rolling along the ground or the body? Well, the boggart chases him and then bowls the chasing after him the head or the rolling along the ground or the body well the boggart chases him and then bowls the head after him and it rolls and bounces along beside him snapping at his feet he managed to evade the boggart in the end by crossing a stream and it gives up presumably because it wouldn't want to roll in the stream because traditionally though lots of creatures

can't pass moving water yeah or it could be because he didn't want to get his head wet. Even though it had been bouncing down the road. And so he got home and told his wife of this adventure, and she was all like, well, I told you bad things would happen if you stay out late, which seems a little bit smart-alecky. And she said, I'm going to paraphrase, but if it makes you appreciate your home, then I'm glad, and now there's a direct quote,

for each more a woman with her head on her shoulders has been able to It's more than a woman with her head on her shoulders has been able to Aye. Well that tied up with a very neat actual moral at the end there And what part of Lancashire is the accent you're doing?

It's from I don't know, you tell me you're from there. I didn't live. You tell me. You're from there. I didn't live there long enough to get the accent. So scores. What's your first category? Naming. Naming.

Boggart's a great word. Boggart. We've got Gabriel's Boggart. Schreiker. Barguest. Trash. Yeah. I feel like those were just dropped in.

Somewhat irrelevant. Those are the names for the boggart in the north west River Ribble Long Ridge So named because it's on a long ridge Well that's helpful Factual, descriptive Garstang That is unarguably a great name

White Dobby I don't know why I find the name White Dobby so amusing Because Dobby is white Even in Harry Potter Dobby's white I'm not familiar with Harry Potter find the name White Dobby so amusing. Because Dobby is white, and even in Harry Potter, Dobby's white. I'm not familiar with Harry Potter. Oh, the character called Dobby. Right, okay. He's a house elf.

That's kind of like a boggart, right? Or a one-form boggart. Well, they're a helpful one. And in fact, in Harry Potter, Dobby is freed by being given a piece of clothing, which, like lots of things in the books, is a traditional bit of folklore that I think people think J.K. Rowling invented. Ah. Like the way the Philosopher's Stone is a real thing.

Yeah. And a lot of the stories of helpful sprites end with them being given a hat or something. And then they're off. Yeah, because that's how you get rid of them. So that's quite a lot of names. A lot of names. Some quite good ones. Yeah, mostly good names.

I think it's a three. Yeah, it's a strong three, but I don't think... White Dobby? It's a four. Yes. Yeah, it's a four now that you say White Dobby to me again. Yep. And next, Supernatural.

Come on. Well, I just can't argue with you. It's five out of five. Yeah, there's so many terrors. A laughing, bouncing head chasing you down the street. Probably saying cocky things as well, because it sounds like... Because it's from the North West and they've got a sort of sense of humour. There's a real wit. Yeah.

I can't understand. You are from there. I think that was Manchester I was doing there. How does Peter Kaye talk? The white Dobby was a... White Dobby? White Dobby, hold on. I might be able to do Bolton if I think about it. White Dobby? You remember white Dobbies?

In the 90s when Dobby's were white I've lost it I think With a white hair next to him With mad eyes What's that about You don't see White Dobby's anymore Some of the best Peter Kay work Yeah

That's such a spooky one, the white Dobby. It's a man in a dirty coat with a hair that's giving stink eye. And that's meant to be the ghost of a murderer and one of his victims. Imagine having to hang out with your own murderer in the afterlife. As a hair? Why a hair? It's five out of five. For such a short story story it really packs it

in terrifying uh morals well there's the moral that um you shouldn't stay out too late drinking in the white ball because you'll see something absolutely insane yeah which is somewhat unsympathetic wife delivers with a degree of smugness that frankly makes me think that she set the whole thing up but hey we've accepted that it's supernatural, so I can't go down that road. Does the milk always remember to pay your boggart? Pay your boggart. That's an important moral. Yeah.

Don't literally skim anything off the top. Oh, nice. Any other morals? Don't go out in Manchester unless you want to get a lift home by a headless dog. Well, I do want that. Yeah. Sorry, is the dog headless again? Yeah, that was a headless dog. I missed that the dog was headless. Oh, yeah, it was a headless dog? Well, I do want that. Yeah. Sorry, is the dog headless again? Yeah, that was a headless dog.

I missed that the dog was headless. Oh, yeah, it was a headless dog with its paws on his shoulders. Why do people keep throwing headless dogs at us? I don't know. A bodiless dog would be more scary, frankly. Don't be murdered by someone or you'll come back as a hare. Yeah, good moral. Or don't be murdered by someone or you might come back as a skeleton in a cloak and hood all good morals yeah they're all real classic moral moral tales don't be

murdered the moral don't try and help out people because they'll turn out not to have a head that's true although he was being a bit annoying yeah how many points? I'm going to say it's another three. Yeah. Is that all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough.

And final, I think I'm going to score quite highly here. Final category. Yes. Accent work. You're asking me to rate your accent work in the delivering of the story. Yeah. I genuinely can't tell what you're saying when you do

it Lancashire Lancashire one out of five you're only one you're only one out of five I had an extra

tongue pushing to do with Jack Hinch she's really implanted one out of five get my voice tutor

onto you you're gonna rain down on you like a Johnny Rich it's a shame you can't subtitle podcasts

you've been listening to Lawmen the lawmen of james shakeshaft and alistair beckett king please subscribe rate review and recommend to a friend you can tweet us at lawmen pod or email us at contact at lawmenpodcast.com to suggest stories from your area. Well, my favourite Bray Rabbit story is the one where the fox has got him, and the fox is saying, I'm going to eat you. And he's like, oh, eat me if you have to, but whatever you do, don't throw me into that briar patch. I hate briar patches. And he says, well, I am going

to eat you. He says, great, please eat me, as long as you don't throw me into that briar patch, because I flipping hate briar patches. And then the fox or the wolf is like, actually, I am going to throw you into the briar patch because i flip him hate briar patches and then the fox or the wolf is like actually i am going to throw you into the briar patch and then i was like no and he throws him in the briar patch and he's like joke's on you i actually love briar patches i was born in a briar patch and he runs off and that's why i'm always trying to get people to throw me in briar patches is that why foxes go through bins i imagine they're so furious at having having been outsmarted by a rabbit rabbit they just want to eat from the bins